The post where I finally crack up for good

I just got back from the doctor.  Apparently I have a grab-bag of illnesses, including  a respiratory infection and sinus infection and severe mono.  But at least it’s a sexy disease to have, right?  After all, mono is “the kissing disease”.  And who have I been kissing? 

Dogs.  Apparently. 

I say this because the blood work also revealed that I’m also in the process of recovering from fucking PARVO.  You know, the dog disease.  So I’m both sick and insulted. 

Anyway, I’m relieved that it’s not something serious and even more relieved that it isn’t just all in my head but I can’t help thinking that it’s no wonder I feel like such shit because if I was a dog I’d be dead right now. 

This is the point where I would mention that hours ago my dad had a triple-artery-angio surgery and that my mom can’t get too close to him because I gave her double-pinkeye when she came down to take care of me while I was sick, except that it’s far too depressing to add to an already depressing post.  (Except for the bright news that the surgery was very successful in spite of the fact that he had one of his hunting buddies sneak him a bacon-double-cheeseburger into his hospital bed.  Apparently his hunting buddy wants him dead.)

Anyway, I’m sorry I’ve been a hurling ball of phlem and self-pity but I’m certain I’ll feel better soon.  Or possibly I’ll die from feline leukemia.  Definitely one or the other.

PS.  I just told Victor that the doctor recommended building my strength up with short walks and swims and he said “But did you tell him that all you can do is DOG-paddle?” 

He’s hilaaaarious.

74 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Wow…you won the sicko lottery! Pity they don’t give away prizes for this sort of thing. Glad to hear your dad is doing well, and that you’re on the mend. It does sound like your dad’s friend is trying to off the hunting competition. I’m thinking you could pay him back with some sort of prank involving your dad’s cat urine collection. The possiblities are ENDLESS! Feel better, funny girl!

  2. Wow, you’re a mess.

    Maybe Victor can pick you up a chew toy or some milk bones to make you feel better.

  3. You poor little sick thing you! I’m so sorry to hear all this (Mono! Parvo!!). I hope you take it easy, medicate, de-stress and feel better very soon.

  4. That would explain the black dog then.

  5. Oh Jenny!! You ARE sick as a dog!

    Mono, parvo, respiratory and sinus infections?! Goodness. You rest.

  6. Holy crap. To all of it.

    Please rest and get better. And good wishes to your dad too (but no bacon cheeseburger – I already ate it).

  7. Holy heavens! Your body is a cesspool of germs. I am happy we are virtual friends right now.

    Just kidding! Hope you feel better soon and the mega doses of drugs you were no doubt given start to have a good effect.

    Glad to hear your dad’s surgery went well.

  8. oh honey..wow. what a wretched mess of viral bacterial types.

    feel better soon.

  9. Wow. Just picturing you being chased around in an endless circle by a disease monkey that’s beating you with the Infectious Shit stick.

    You’re sustaining some bruising.

    Feel better soon.

    Shoot your dad’s friend with his own gun.

  10. Stop french kissing dogs and you’ll get better. Good news about your Dad. I feel your pain though my FIL lost his leg because of poor circulation due to years of smoking, guess what he hasn’t stopped doing.

  11. Parvo? I didn’t know there was a human version of that disease. I am so sorry – you were sick!!!

    Glad your dad came out of surgery successfully.

  12. that’s an impressive list, so is it better to get everything at once or spread it out over a longer period of time?

  13. Shut up!! You have Parvo?? I didn’t even know that was possible. Wait until I tell all my dog friends.
    :)

    Glad to hear your dad is doing well, despite the deathly bacon cheeseburger. And so happy to hear you’re on the mend. At least you didn’t test positive for worms.

  14. Um, Wow! What’s next? Dutch Elm disease? Watch out for men in hazmat suits coming to bottle your phlegm to make the next big thing in biological warfare. Seriously, feel better soon and healing prayers for your daddy, too.

  15. Geez! I didn’t even know people could get that! Do the doctors have any idea HOW you contracted it (I mean, I know you’re a little odd and all, but I can’t imagine you frenching a dog)? At least now that it has a name, they can do something about it.

    I had mono last year. Not fun. Though you wouldn’t know it from the number of people who laughed out loud when I told them.

    Get better now!

  16. Um. Please stay away from my beagle. Thank you.

    p.s. I love you. I hope you get better soon. Please be sure to take your heartworm pills.

  17. Oh, dear lord! You poor thing! ((HUGS)) What else could possibly strike you? Pestilence?

    Do you need a flea collar?

    (I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist.)

    Get better soon, sweetie. A dear friend of mine had mono recently and it was NASTY. She was like death for several months, so I know how bad it is. REST!

    And try not to lick your privates.

  18. Ummm…did you read my recent post about our puppy dying from Parvo and I cried uncontrollably? It was my second Trifecta (too lazy to link to it…).

    Get well…I can’t handle putting you to sleep, I’d have to join you :/.

    p.s. I see LawyerMama’s comment (last line) and that is TOO…TOO funny!

    your readers are totally hee lair!

  19. HA! Don’t lick your privates…

    Oh and I’d go with Advantage. Flea collars suck.

    Feel better soon. Seriously.

  20. You know I feel so bad for you, but must admit I’m laughing my ass off!

    Why gets parvo? You are indeed one special woman!

    I’m also a little sick. Sick that everybody got to all of the good dog puns before I did!!!

    Feel better – You’ll lick this thing in no time! (Hey, I said they took all of the good ones).

  21. Oh my god. I didn’t know one could get a dog virus without being a dog. Good thing I’m not a dog owning type of person.

    Mono sucks, but I’m thrilled to hear you’re not dying. Get all cryptic with people…sheesh woman.

    Truly, feel better soon.

  22. wow, um, that’s quite a batch of bugs you’re battling there, my dear… but, you will feel better soon, despite dogs and dog paddling and random kissing.

    (and glad your dad did well too!)

  23. Jenny — you need to rest, take care. And I’m thinking good thoughts for your Dad.

    Thank you for all the naked blogging posts. I can’t wait to read them!

  24. I just talked to my dog. She said the best way to avoid Parvo is to get the immunization every year.

    If your insurance doesn’t cover that one, you can go to Petco and get it cheap. :)

    Seriously…parvo AND Mono? Dude…when you do something, you go all out.

  25. I feel for you. And because I’m not really a dog person, I had no idea what Parvo is. So I went to Wikipedia and found out that the human version of it is a different strain, and it’s called fifths disease. So no dog jokes for me, just well wishes :0)

  26. I’m glad your dad’s doing OK. Sorry for all your woes. :(

    Keep in mind, this time of year it’s especially important to have your flea and tick treatment monthly. :-p

  27. What a wretched, wretched list of woes, Jen.

    Feel better soon, okay?

  28. THAT’s why they call it the dog days of summer :-D

    So, does Victor prefer doggie … nevermind.

    BTW, if he says come her Jennie and whistles you have grounds for a temp insanity defense in court.

  29. Would you stop making out with all the stray dogs in the neighborhood. You’re going to to get a bad rep if you don’t stop.

    Seriously, I hope you feel better soon and fast.

  30. Holy snikies, chica. I had no idea humans could get parvo. Eeeeew.
    Glad to hear your dad is doing well. Hopefully you will be back on your feet (um, all four of them?) soon!

  31. Fifth Disease (common amongst kiddoes) is a strain of Parvo…rest up and take the meds as prescribed and soon enough you’ll be back to your self.

  32. I was telling one of my friends about your list of ailments and when I got to the parvo she said, and I quote, “that’s what she gets for being such a bitch”. I would NEVER have said that – but I did laugh. Feel better, Jenny

  33. OMGOSH! MONO! PARVO! DUDE!

    (HUGS)

    Glad your dad is fine but sorry his family is too sick to be near him.

    And oh my that Victor!!! You tell him he is in the DOGHOUSE!

    So uh we’ll get together uhh sometime later…

    (HUG)

    Julie
    Ravin’ Picture Maven

  34. Hmmmmm I could insert something about that’s what you get for sniffing someone’s butt as a greeting, but I won’t, because I’m your friend and I love you too much to do that. Besides, who would I go to Lankford’s with??!!

    Parvo…. huh guffaw, snort!

  35. Damn! Is this in any way related to the drunken blog convention you attended? No more hooking up with handsome labradors for you!

  36. Must you always be the center of attention? Sheesh. Share the spotlight once in a while, will ya?

  37. OMG – you go all out when it comes to getting sick don’t you?
    I thought I was pushing the envelope when I had pleurisy and a lupus flare up at once, but you win girlfriend.
    Feel better soon.

  38. Good grief, I’m going to have to go google that dog disease because I’ve never even heard of it.

    But damn, girl. Go hard or go home, eh? Feel better soon. And I hope you and your moom can be with your father soon.

  39. good gawd and i thought I was the one who catches all the crazy shit at once. Ever had hand foot & mouth disease?? (no, not hoof & mouth – that’s mad cow disease)

    sorry hunny…fell better soon so we can go get plastered…er…ummm no, plastered…

  40. 41
    The Original Lisa

    You do remember your algebra don’t you? Now is the time to put it into affect.

    A(You got mono and parvo from kissing dogs)+ B (You have probably kissed Victor at some point) = C (Victor is a dog).

    Sorry Victor, but you can’t argue with math facts!

  41. To make up for the dog jokes, I’ve left you a little gift at my place…and no, it isn’t a MilkBone. Don’t get your hopes up.

    Is it getting old yet? It probably is, right?

  42. Jenny, babe, get better.

    And glad to hear your dad is ok!

    What stress you are under. Wanna go get a massage with me?

  43. Stay away from the milkbones lady….

    Really, that sucks! I’m sorry you’re feeling like crud. When my dog’s sick a good belly rub always seems to help. Maybe Victor can give it a try?
    :p

  44. P.A.R.V.O
    NO stinkin’ way!!!

    Well if they say so.
    And all the rest of that stuff – unbelievable.

    Are you going to wave from one of those hoaky ufo’s on U-tube, too.

  45. And for those “short walks” make sure to get a harness, they are much more comfortable than just a collar and leash. Har.

    Hope you feel better soon! That really sucks. And is really weird. Parvo? I had no idea people could get that. Arent you lucky!

    BTW glad I found your personal blog! Blogs are always more fun with cussin’ and such.

    xo Jenna in SF

  46. Pamela,

    Yeah, Jenny’s been captured and probed by aliens from Sirius — you know, the dog star. That’s how she got parvo.

    Jenny: Hugs and a scratch behind your ears!!

  47. I really thought all the dog jokes had been taken up by comment 20.

    Apparently I was wrong.

    Now if you’ll excuse, I have to lie down. I feel like shitzu.

  48. I hope you recovery from your collection of sickies quickly! I haven’t had a chance to read all the Naked Blogging posts – they are amazing and thank you for collecting them.

  49. Remember at the Blogger’s convention when you participated in the video about being hot and bothered? Who knew you were talking about Parvo and Mono?

    Poor baby. You need to crawl under the covers, only peeking out to take your meds, until you can’t stand to stay there any longer.

  50. Good God lady. Did you get the Parvo from that slimy beach? I don’t even know what to say. Maybe you could order yourself up some vaccinations from that Fosters and Smith pet catalog. But seriously, take care and I’m so sorry about your Dad. Glad he’s ok. I think that hunting friend better make sure he’s wearing a hell of a lot of orange next time he’s in the woods. Or he might find himself “accidentally” shot down my a petite brunette with a hacking cough and pink eye.

  51. Meant “show down BY a”

  52. im so glad your dad is doin ok and his surgry went well

    as for you

    go back to bed and rest that is a heck of alot to be dealing with!!

  53. Cheer up. Isn’t parvo more of a puppy illness? At least you have young dog’s sickness rather than the…um…other.

  54. I think Hamlet observed, “When sorrows come, they come not [as] single spies, but in battalions.” I think this means that the barbarious hordes of germs ravaging your body should be the first and last wave of disease you have to deal with for a while. Take precautions to avoid being re-invaded.

    I came up with a completely non-canine metaphor. Wasn’t that kind of me?

  55. Why can’t you just go back to being mentally ill, instead of physically ill? You always write so poignantly when that happens…seriously, though, Parvo? I had a friend that had a dog with that once, and he almost didn’t survive (but he did) – he was a bag of bones during the illness, but later turned out to be the meanest watchdog ever!

  56. Please feel better soon. I look forward to reading your blog after a hard day at work and it’s just not the same without you. Thanks for all the honesty about being a mom. Love ya!

  57. Gah. So sorry to hear you are feeling Crappy with a capital C. I’m not laughing at you but I am laughing at all of these comments.

    Hope you get some seriously awesome drugs! Rest up too.

  58. […] too tired to even go into the details because this mono/dog disease crap still has me mostly bedridden but I have to tell you that yesterday I left bed to take Hailey to […]

  59. Oh, you silly. That’s a common childhood disease also known as Fifth Disease (as in, the fifth on the list of common childhood maladies) or Slapped Cheek, for the redness that often comes with it. It’s caused by Human Parvovirus (with some code like B19 after it). Pumpkinpie had it last year.

    But if you start shedding and running in circles… you may want to go see the vet.

  60. Shitzu? I’d have thought you were more of a cockapoo.

  61. Jenny, Jenny, Jenny. What do I even say to this? Except glad your Dad came through properly.

  62. OMG I’m so sorry. That sucks. I hope you are getting a ton of rest and have a speedy recovery and all that jazz… and lay off the dog kissing, ok?

  63. Ugh, Fifth’s Disease (AKA Human Parvo) is NOT fun. I now know I had it in January 2006 when I went to the doctor with aching joints, extreme tiredness, etc. Instead of a simple blood test, he put me on an antipressant. Gee, thanks. So when I found I was recently exposed through a friend’s kid and I was (at the time) less than 20 weeks pregnant, my OB ran a test and said I’d already had it and was immune.

    Praying for a fast recovery for you!

  64. I understand the onslaught of shit — I just got done dealing with my mother almost bleeding to death from a ruptured esophagus, just days after I had to wheel my wife into surgery, while trying to complete a post on my own blog about the first time I thought I was going to die. Hope you’re feeling better.

  65. […] I’m not ignoring you, I’m just still really, really sick.  I am answering emails but in slow motion.  It’s not you.  It’s me. […]

  66. A good friend of mine was just diagnosed with parvo! She was in and out of doctors offices for months, had vial after vial of blood drawn and still no idea of what was wrong with her. She had three kids at home (small) and was afraid it was all in her head too! Glad you are feeling better.

  67. Are you trying to be an overachiever by catching everything at once? Because it doesn’t sound like any fun.

    Hope you’re better soon.

    Veronica recently posted Please someone save me from obsessive question asking.

  68. Blame Victor. Blame Mexico. Blame broken arm slowing him down during trip not ended sooner. Mosquitoes breed in stagnant water.

    Get better soon. And get yourself a Steve. Steve will tell you what you want to hear.

    mrtl recently posted My Daughters Covet My Boyfriend.

  69. clearly, you are not like the honey badger.

    Simone recently posted Changing My Makeup.

  70. Next time someone calls you a bitch, just say it’s your parvo flaring up.

  71. mwahaha LOVE the dog jokes/puns.

    Fiona recently posted Fiona’s Cooking a Lamb Roast.

  72. Oh, God. I hope you feel better soon! You should probably just quarantine yourself from cats entirely just to be on the safe side.

    Brooke Farmer recently posted Can someone please tell me what I have to say to get a cup of coffee around here.

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