We have the technology

So Bubba The Half-Paralyzed-Shaved-Tub-Cat is slowly improving although he’s still all man boobs and misery.  If he had opposable thumbs he’d probably slit his own wrists.  Also the bills keep rolling in and I just found out that the $100 we paid to have him humped by the vet was something that we could have done ourselves for six bucks. 

At this point we fully expect to come in and find that the vet wants to give Bubba bionic kidneys or a titanium uvula.  Probably our next conversation with the vet (who in my mind sounds exactly like Will Ferrell in Talladega Nights) will go something like this:

Our vet:  Well, it was a lot of work but I’m pleased to tell you that we replaced Bubba’s gallbladder with a solid steel one!  That’ll be $8000. 

Us:  Wait…do cats even need their gallbladders?  What about his paralyzed back legs? 

Vet:  Well, you’ll have to settle your account up before we can look at those.  Also, we gave him robotic front paws. 

Us:  But his front legs were fine.  Why would you replace them?

Vet:  Now Bubba can run 400 miles an hour with his front legs!

Us:  Yes, but he’s just dragging his useless back legs.  He’s started a fire out in the lobby.  He smells like burning corduroy.  We are not paying for this.

Vet:  Why?  Don’t you love your cat?  You don’t think your cat deserves bionic kidneys?  Look at him!  He’s totally bad-ass!

Us:  No.  No, he’s not.  He’s just half bad-ass.  He’s just…ass.

Vet:  Wanna hear our next step?  We’re flying in Salvadore Dali’s grandson to give him flame tattoos and pin-striping.

Us:  *?*

Vet:  Yeah.  It’s going to be insanely expensive but totally amazing.

59 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Yes, Bubba, the Six Million Dollar Kitty!

    markira’s last blog post..Struggle

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  2. 2
    Just A. Reader

    We can rebuild him. Better. Stronger. More pissed.

    Like

  3. This cat has some extra legs for Bubba…
    http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/bizarre/5488355.html
    (hopefully this works… not sure how to insert links)
    Although they wouldn’t be as awesome as robotic legs.

    Like

  4. The pinstripes might make him look taller.

    motherbumper’s last blog post..hang in or is that ten?

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  5. Oh Bubba. But robotic paws? Would be all kinds of cool

    Z’s last blog post..Quote

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  6. Titanium Uvula????

    Now he can deflect bullets with the little meaty thing that hangs down in the back of this throat !

    Totally AWESOME!

    OK, but seriously, when I had my gallbladder taken out, a solid steel one would have been so cool to have to replace it.

    Bionic kidneys though, not lets not go over the top here.

    Houston’s last blog post..My Away Message

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  7. I’m not sure I would dig a solid steel gallbladder. What I totally would dig is a pimped out Bubba complete with crazy tattoos. Get on with it, will you?

    Arwen’s last blog post..A picture is worth a thousand words

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  8. Bubba would get a Moob rash…ouch.

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  9. This may sound really cruel – but it might just be the time for Bubba to take a long walk (okay really pitiful limping, gimping, crawl) down a really short pier. Either that or make him one of those little “back leg carts” so he can drag his hind end around with his bionic front legs. It may work – maybe…

    Like

  10. Yes, but will he make that cool “neh-neh-neh-neh” sound when he pees?

    When they flame and stripe Bubba, see if they’ll do the same thing to your car. Not many people have vehicles that match their cat…

    CircusKelli’s last blog post..Reading

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  11. “Titanium uvula”

    On my first pass, I thought that said titanium vulva.

    ‘Cuz That. Would. Be. Awesome!

    Like

  12. Especially since Bubba’s a dude cat 😀

    (seriously little buddy, feel better soon!)

    Greta’s last blog post..Bad girl, Bad girl, whatcha gonna do when they come for you?

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  13. IF Bubba gets new bionic front legs, will they give you the old flesh and blood ones for when you need to sacrifice cat toes?

    Poor Bubba. Poor Jenny. Sometimes it’s hard to know what to do about your furbabies and when enough is enough. How’s Bubba – other than pissed and incredibly fast?

    Sayre’s last blog post..What have I been up to?

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  14. You guys are cracking me up.

    Actually he’s doing way better. He’s eating and drinking and purring and doing all the things a normal cat does if a normal cat had no back legs and man-boobs. Also he looks suicidal but all persians kind of look suicidal so it’s hard to tell. We looked at the cat cart but how does that thing work with a litter box? I don’t want a wheelchair cat living in my bathtub the rest of his life. I’m pretty sure no one wins in that situation.

    Like

  15. My husband would’ve already called in The Sopranos…kitty would’ve taken a ride.

    Bubba doesn’t know how lucky he is.

    Robin’s last blog post..Families never crumble in a day…

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  16. …on the next “Pimp my Kitty”

    I really need to remember not to drink anything while I am here…

    Domestic Chicky’s last blog post..Bloggy Giveaways – Mommy Calling Cards

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  17. Your cat stories are cracking me up. Bubba has to be th cutest cat I’ve ever seen!

    Kelly’s last blog post..My First Blog Awards!

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  18. Wow. You’ll totally pay out 8K and then the cat will get squashed by a car.

    Lotta’s last blog post..Brokeass Video

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  19. For $8K, I’ll come over every day and make your cat’s legs work manually. I’m just sayin’.

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  20. Or you could swap one front leg with one back leg to guilt the other back legs into working. You know give them a complex. Shame them.

    furiousball’s last blog post..if he was from venus, would he meet us on the moon?

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  21. Oh my, poor Bubba. (Just catching up on all the Kitty Drama) He’s definitely the bionic cat at this point. We’ve had to thrown down some serious bank on our dogs (international travel being the tip of the iceberg)and it’s never fun but. . . damn, you feel guilty if you don’t do whatever it takes for them. Hope he’s firing on all cylinders soon!

    Sabrina’s last blog post..I could eat him up!

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  22. Poor Bubba. I am amazed that no one else has mentioned your dad, the taxidermist. Best of both worlds – you could keep Bubba, you could quit hemorrhaging money, your dad would know what to get you for Valentine’s Day, Hailey could help. I’m not really seeing a down side except for the part where he has to be dead.

    Sandy’s last blog post..A Very Spatial Meme

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  23. Hillarious!! I cannot stop laughing!

    Like

  24. If he had a wheelchair cart, you’d have to put him in diapers. And keep at least his butt shaved. Hey, you could shave some designs in his fur. Less permanent than the tattoos. Also, maybe get him a moob bra (out of black leather so the other cats won’t laugh at him).

    avonlea’s last blog post..I Make Milk. What’s *Your* Superpower?

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  25. “IF Bubba gets new bionic front legs, will they give you the old flesh and blood ones for when you need to sacrifice cat toes?”

    Yeah, I can just see a new visitor at Jenny’s house. Sees a decorative basket, strolls over to peek, and BAM! Spare cat parts. Y’know, just in case.

    markira’s last blog post..Struggle

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  26. Poor Bionic Bubba.

    Kyla’s last blog post..Open to interpretation.

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  27. I was cracking up. Then I read Sandy’s comment. Now I’m laughing hysterically with tears streaming down my face. Thank goodness I’m alone, or I would be carted off to the looney bin. (Wait. I’m surprised that hasn’t happened already.)

    Christine’s last blog post..No Need to Exercise!

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  28. I thought of dear old dad, but somehow just couldn’t bring myself to type it. Sandy is a brave (and probably crazy) woman… Of course, the only difference between us is that I thought twice and she only thought once.

    Sayre’s last blog post..What have I been up to?

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  29. I have a titanium uvula. All the ladies love it. 🙂

    Jeff’s last blog post..No, You First

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  30. Oh Bubba, Bionic Cat.

    Julie Pippert’s last blog post..Knick knack paddywhack throw a girl a bone?

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  31. You should make him a little wheelie cart for the hind legs . . . make him look like a Monty Python character.

    Law School Hot Mama’s last blog post..To Be Anatomical or Not to Be?

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  32. Man, you’re like the best kitty mommy EVER. Oh, and I’d like you to hump me. I won’t even charge you 6 bucks. Come on, you already know what my boobs look like, right?

    😀

    Fuzzball’s last blog post..OneRepublic — “Say (All I Need)”

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  33. I have no idea what your boobs look like. Your nipples, however, I know like the back of my hand.

    You’re on.

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  34. I’m really glad that Bubba is doing better. I look forward to many fascinating pictures of this next step.

    Jess’s last blog post..I don’t like the rain.

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  35. You do realize that at this point you have a nearly perfect LOLcat, don’t you?

    I’m surprised the vet hasn’t suggested a set of $8000 captions.

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  36. I am laughing so hard I’m nearly crying. The comments just make the post keep going and going and going…like the Energizer Bunny of cats. Maybe that’s what Bubba needs? A battery port for his back legs? Just a thought…

    MommyTime’s last blog post..My Thighs. Really.

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  37. as soon as bubba can get up, he is going to KICK YOUR ASS.

    flutter’s last blog post..Things that won’t shake loose

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  38. You’re so funny. The cat moobs are not a vision that I ever wanted, but apparently were a necessity. Who knew?

    Spiderman? I was laughing so hard that I had to out my blog to Headless Dad.

    Headless Mom’s last blog post..Thanks for the warm legs!

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  39. That poor cat keeps cracking me up! Poor little Bubba!

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..Pepperocinis

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  40. What? No man-boob lift in the list of improvements? I am disappointed!

    Tracey’s last blog post..Boiled Fish Bones With a Side of Beef Skins

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  41. If you get Bubba those bionic kidneys, then maybe he and Victor can take the tag-team title in the “I can totally destroy that box with my urine!” competition.

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..Revelations of a (soon to be former) DA

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  42. Poor Bubba. Poor, poor Bubba. He’s going to need a kitty shrink after he gets out of the tub and finds out what you’ve been writing about him. And THAT’S going to be expensive.

    AMomTwoBoys’s last blog post..Friday Recipe- 2/1/08

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  43. Better the Bionic Man than the Bionic Woman. That’d be even MORE expensive.

    slouching mom’s last blog post..What Can Happen When Nothing Ever Happens

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  44. So does that mean he’ll have bionic hair, too?

    I gave you a little award. C’mon over and pick it up.

    daysgoby’s last blog post..making my day

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  45. “He’s just…ass.”

    Funniest damn thing I’ve read all night! Thanks for the laugh…sorry about your half bionic Bubba. 😉

    Anna’s last blog post..Just Call Us Betty…

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  46. If you’re going to pay that much for Bionic Bubba, just tell them you want him to be able to clean the litter box himself and make you and bring you your coffee in the morning.

    Phoenix’s last blog post..Just call me Mrs. Sick

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  47. Damn, I want bionic kidneys and a solid steel gall bladder. You should really look in to having his fur transplanted with genuine lambs wool. Then you can sheer him every season and recoup a bit of your money selling it. While you’re at it, have his skull enlarged.

    Your kitty makes me laugh. Ok, your kitty’s pain makes me laugh, but not in a cruel and heartless way, sort-of.

    Michael’s last blog post..Please, look to the right. No, your right. The other one.

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  48. Is the pet healthcare system any better (or free?) in Canada like the human health care system? Because if it is, I’d so make a trip north! Poor Bubba.

    Carrie’s last blog post..Heavy Thinker

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  49. i think i love you.
    p.s. my brother is a animal surgeon. send bubba to me in the mail and i can get him the best care for free. then i (might) send him back.

    supertiff’s last blog post..you win!

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  50. I don’t care what anyone says, I’m not clicking the “man boobs” link.

    Like

  51. Yeah, well, I would have done it for $5. Call me next time you need your invalid feline violated.

    Spamboy’s last blog post..Updates for January 19, 2008

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  52. >>a titanium uvula>>

    Okay what could possibly be on MY mind? I totally read this as titanium vulva.

    zenmomma’s last blog post..Looks like we got us a Non-Con tradition

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  53. >>Jeff Says:
    February 1st, 2008 at 12:51 pm
    I have a titanium uvula. All the ladies love it. >>

    I’m still waiting for one of the women bloggers to claim having a titanium vulva. Or the men.

    avonlea’s last blog post..Ch-ch-ch-changes

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  54. Oh. Dear. Lord.

    I think he wants, neigh DESERVES a miniature segway. Just strap him on with some bungees. And move the breakables.

    Spirophita’s last blog post..Tri Schedule

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  55. […] all about offending your ritzy neighbors by taking risque crotch shots in your front lawn and tattooing your half-paralyzed-man-boob cat”?  Because I’m pretty sure I would totally kick ass […]

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  56. […] Granted, it was somewhat one-sided, with me sending long, rambling emails about lap dances and my paraplegic cat and Guy sending back short one-liners such his most recent email to me which stated simply […]

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  57. jesus, could i ever put bionic kidneys to good use.

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  58. you said: “titanium uvula”
    i read: “titanium vulva.”
    which would be both uncomfortable and entertaining.

    Like

  59. 59
    Lady Penelope

    Just got a visit from Bubba; said he was from the future and to call him ‘The Furminator’.
    Oh, and we’re all going to hell…

    Like

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