We are tight like O.J.’s glove

Random hallway conversation with coworker: 

Kregg:  If I’m ever dying in the hospital I just hope someone shows up with a hammer and a pillow.

Me:  Oh, I’ll do it.  No problem.

Kregg:  Aw, thanks.

Me:  I’ll be all “Kregg said he wanted these” and then I’ll just lay them down in the bed next to you and leave.

Kregg:  And then the next day I’ll wake up and I’ll be all “Hey, who brought the pillow and hammer?  Cool.  I bet it was Jenny. Let’s go miniature golfing.”

********************

Homemade video + the lyrics “You have everything I want and need, just like Walmart” =  Awesome Valentine.

Giant squid + heart =  Totally fucked up Valentine.

Thought you should know.

********************

Bubba-the-half-paralyzed-shaved-tub-cat update:

bubba.jpg

56 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Have you thought of dressing your cat up in doll clothes?

    Gretchen’s last blog post..Note to self…

    Like

  2. is it sad that any valentine would be appreciated in my world? octopus and heart even acceptable. i’m officially fucking pathetic.

    dude. i love your freaking cat. and btw, billybob is doing the senile/kidney failure urination all over the house thing. it’s gonna get dark at the casa de madness methinks. guidance?

    Like

  3. Poor Bubba.

    Sandy’s last blog post..WW For Hallie

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  4. Bubba looks like he is ready to go on a murderous rampage. As soon as his legs work, that is.

    Nicole P.’s last blog post..Another Med Student’s Loan Paid For

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  5. Bubba doesn’t even look real in that picture. Or happy. Poor cat. He’s even embarrassed enough to cover up his man parts.

    Chicky Chicky Baby’s last blog post..Labor, part 2 – Don’t mind me, I’m just having a baby here

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  6. Bubba is so awesome. He’s one centimeter away from destroying us all like that thing in that movie that makes everyone puke.

    Jeff’s last blog post..The Dumbest Collection Call Ever

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  7. That is one adorable picture!

    Z’s last blog post..For me?!?!

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  8. I love that the photo is the entire update.

    Jess’s last blog post..From Lacoste to London

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  9. I’m reminded of the old saying, “When all you’ve got is a hammer, everything looks like a hospital patient.”

    And here’s wishing Bubba a speedy recovery, because GAT-DAMN that’s a funny cat.

    Like

  10. He kinda resembles my mom. A big, hairy sour puss.

    Redneck Mommy’s last blog post..Her Mother is a Boob

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  11. What is this valentine thing of which you speak?

    flutter’s last blog post..Be still

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  12. Yeah. If you hear dragging noises tonight and then a quiet chink! of a blade?

    You will KNOW the revenge of Bubba.
    (mu-ha-ha-ha!)

    daysgoby’s last blog post..little girl lost

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  13. That picture is fucking fantastic!

    Lotta’s last blog post..Mommy’s Over Here. Psyche!

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  14. Oh my! Poor Bubba! Look that helpless face. “HOW did I get here?” LOL!!! And that tail!!

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..DON’T Go to the Chevron on 610 & N. Durham

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  15. Where are the cat-in-doll-clothes shots? This is the perfect time! He’s helpless!

    Get ‘im!

    Bet his legs would suddenly get better, too….

    Hatchet’s last blog post..Why is it called Being Fresh when she acts so Spoiled?

    Like

  16. I’m not, under ordinary circumstances, a cat person, but I am starting to have feelings for Bubba. What these feelings are, I cannot say, but I suspect myself of something maternal nonetheless.

    Oh God.

    Dr. Ding’s last blog post..Home Cookin’ With The Dingster

    Like

  17. What would really be scary would be if Bubba started flashing the “squeezed by invisible bears” grin as you were taking his picture.

    On the other hand… what an awesome photo of Hailey to show to her beaus when you first meet them!

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..Sunrise

    Like

  18. Pillow and hammer buddies are hard to come by. I thought I had one lined up a while back, but now I’m not so sure. I probably should get a back-up pillow and hammer buddy just in case the first one flakes on me.

    Like

  19. Half of Bubba is better than no Bubba. Right?

    Oh, and when I am in the hospital, could you please bring me some Valium and Vodka?

    Tracey’s last blog post..Boiled Fish Bones With a Side of Beef Skins

    Like

  20. Bubba has the longest tail I’ve ever seen!

    Luann’s last blog post..A good cry

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  21. I am seconding the valium-and-vodka request.

    You don’t even have to wait for me to be in the hospital.

    markira’s last blog post..The 123/5/3 Meme

    Like

  22. Pooor Pooor Bubba. If my cats were incapable of escape I think they’d ask me for a pillow and hammer. Or maybe they’d just o.d. on their cat nip.

    Chris’s last blog post..Have a Heart…

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  23. Look at that cat!

    The tail.

    I’m snorting here…

    How’d you get them to stay in that pose???

    ~JJ!’s last blog post..Blew a what?

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  24. “How’d you get them to stay in that pose???”

    Um…he’s paralyzed?

    This is probably the only advantage of having a half-paralyzed cat. That and the kick-ass photo I’ll be submitting to stuffonmycat.com.

    Like

  25. I think I have to change jobs now… here’s the one I heard…

    “So she came over anyway”
    “Yeah?”
    “Yeah, but I’m totally confused how she went from having trust issues to having unprotected anal on the first date.”

    Actually, perhaps I should stay here.

    furiousball’s last blog post..Why the Shadow Shuddered

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  26. Lucky! Every little girl needs a half-paralyzed cat. I’m so jealous. All the cats I knew clawed me and ran away when I tried to get them to lie down like a baby doll.
    Also, I hope stuffonmycat.com is not a joke because I am SO heading over there right now.

    Anne’s last blog post..You are a bad parent to somebody!

    Like

  27. gah, commentluv does not love me.

    Like

  28. Can I use Bubba’s tail to swiffer my TV and bookshelves? i’m sure he wouldn’t mind…

    Like

  29. So how did Hailey and Bubba get along BEFORE? Because now, Bubba is every little girl’s dream cat. Just like a stuffed one, but actually alive.

    Poor Bubba – he can make me laugh and cry all at the same time.

    Sayre’s last blog post..Feelin’ Groovy

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  30. You guys are cracking me up.

    Actually Bubba and Hailey lived in very separate worlds before “the incident”. Now things have changed. But luckily for us, now Bubba has developed explosive diarrhea so that’s like his own mini defense system. I’m not kidding.

    At all.

    Like

  31. When Bubba regains strength to his legs, he is kicking everyones ass.

    Like

  32. OMG! Bubba does not look amused. Too funny.

    Sock Girl’s last blog post..Crystal Ball

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  33. Anne, commentluv may not like you, but it made me go take a look, soooooo….

    Jenny, I have total sympathy to poor paralyzed tub-cat Bubba. To think, INSIDE he is screaming and clawing for all he’s worth, and OUTSIDE…well, he’s a Barbie cat.

    markira’s last blog post..Today I’m on London Time

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  34. Is that your cat’s tail, or a Swiffer duster hanging off its butt?

    Spamboy’s last blog post..Updates for January 19, 2008

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  35. I’m scared of Bubba’s wrath. I think he’s going to go on a rampage and destroy you guys, then he’s going to check your blog to see who commented on his state of paralysis. Somehow, he’ll find me and half-run half-drag himself through the internet connection into my room . . . Man, I should really stop eating spicy food.

    Law School Hot Mama’s last blog post..I’ve been Memed!

    Like

  36. That valentine is a little fucked up, yet oddly beautiful at the same time… sort of like that cat…

    kittenpie’s last blog post..This is Your Brain on Drugs

    Like

  37. “I’d enjoy the itch if you were my rash,” that, right there, is some serious devotion.

    And Hailey and Bubba = true love.

    Carrie’s last blog post..Visit Me!

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  38. I think that Bubba should be happy that we can’t see his man boobs in this picture.

    Like

  39. Well now, doesn’t Bubba look like a big ray of sunshine?

    mamatulip’s last blog post..To sleep, perchance to dream

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  40. I totally want to see your stuffonmycat.com photo!

    I know it’s wrong, but the phrase ‘explosive diarrhea’ cracks me up. That’s an awesome mini defense system.

    avonlea’s last blog post..The Dread Pirate…

    Like

  41. Oh, and also . . . Maybe your cat can borrow the two useless legs from this one:
    http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2008/02/07/costanzo.cat.legs.removed.wpxi

    Law School Hot Mama’s last blog post..I’ve been Memed!

    Like

  42. Woman…I love how your mind works. I can’t even think of a pithy comment. I’m just laughing MAO.

    Also…I’m thinking your daughter is going to be Bubba’s pillow-and-hammer buddy.

    Greta’s last blog post..Guinness in the Gluts Chicken

    Like

  43. I think Bubba is the perfect counterpart to Hailey in that picture. It’s almost like she’s sucking any happy out of him with her smile.

    Simply Jenn’s last blog post..When you don’t feel well and your children are going through the plagues

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  44. I feel for Bubba, I do. But I swear to god that’s a girl’s dream cat right there (minus the explosive diarrhea). I’m generally opposed to clothes on pets now, but when I was little, I would have had that cat dressed up and sipping tea by 8 a.m.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog! Love yours, (laughed so much that it actually registered on my kids’ radar–a nearly impossible feat), and have added it to my blogroll.

    Jennifer H’s last blog post..My bright, young feminist

    Like

  45. When did Hailey become a little girl?

    And our male Persian loved to lie on his back like that, though not alongside a child.

    mothergoosemouse’s last blog post..What I’ve learned in the past week

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  46. Toooo cute in a poor Bubba kinda way. I’m with the others that think Bubba is going to kick some serious ass when he is walking again!

    Erica’s last blog post..My Social Network

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  47. Thanks for the excellent valentine advice, which I think will be most helpful while I’m helping my son make 32 valentines for his class and daughter make 33. By the time I hit #54, I’ll pretty much be ready to let them draw a squid if they want. But I will now try hard to avoid this. 🙂

    MommyTime’s last blog post..I am, officially, out of the (pantry) closet

    Like

  48. When I see that stripey hair I always think tiger, but zebra is so much better. Now I am going to laugh when ever one of those striped mom’s breezes by. As if I wasn’t weird enough already!

    clickmom’s last blog post..up for a breath of air

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  49. That pic of your daughter with the shaved cat? Should be next year’s Christmas card! heehee.

    motherofbun’s last blog post..Win something new for you!

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  50. Wow – fortunately for you AND us, you snapped that pic before Bubba had his explosive Diarrhea incident. Nothing like a bean bag full of a hershey squirt incident and a child screaming because the cat got his revenge all over her!

    Like

  51. Poor cat. And what f’ed up person put that squid/heart thing together? That’s just wrong.

    Like

  52. hm. that’s some very creepy shit. The one I got said: “Can’t Do It In Real Life? Do It On Defiantmuse.”. Personally, I don’t like the implications of that. It makes me think about the goings on in some sleazy whorehouse. wtf? btw, I love, love, love your blog. You. are. hysterical.

    Defiantmuse’s last blog post..Home is Where the Heart is?

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  53. OMG – I thought you said pillow and a HAMSTER!!! And I thought to myself, “Self, this Kregg must be one strange cookie if he wants Jenny to bring him a hamster when he is in a persistent vegitative state. The pillow I can see, but a hamster? And I thought everyone used gerbils… Are hamsters easier to sneak in to hospitals? Cheaper maybe?” HAMMER – Oh, I get it now… But I still like my way better.

    Like

  54. I’ve spent 12 hours reading your blogs today. Swear to God. And I officially love you, not least of all because you are brave enough to say the shit I can only think. AND you seem to be the type of person who will appreciate this: Go to that advertising slogan generator and put in Hairy Twat. It’s. Fucking. Hysterical.

    http://thesurrealist.co.uk/slogan.cgi?word=Hairy+Twat

    Like

  55. 56
    Lady Penelope

    As soon as he gets his land-legs back, you just know Bubba’s going to end up on ‘When Animals Attack’!

    Like

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