Kawa(stalk)i

in "Kawasakied" is the new black., functions I shouldn't be allowed to attend, Posts that will get me hate mail, Random Crap

Okay, prepare to have your mind blown or to be utterly nonplussed.

In a few weeks?  I’m going out to dinner.

.

.

With Guy Kawasaki.

I know, right?!  It’s gonna to be like meeting the Pope but with less genuflecting.  He’s speaking at a conference in town which sold out in a matter of hours.  I’m not sure what it’s about.  I suspect tech junk but who the hell cares because it’s Guy freaking Kawasaki, people.

This isn’t like that time when I got all jealous because all the cool bloggers got invited to shampoo camp and The Today Show and so I started that rumor that I was the original voice of the Fraggle Rock muppets.  This is actually true. Me and Guy Kawasaki.  And Laura and Erica if they can still make it to the restaurant after I slash their tires.  (Good luck, bitches.)

Anyway, I’m super excited and also a bit nervous because in real life?  Not that entertaining.  I plan on just sitting there, awkwardly video taping him while he nervously clears his throat.  It’s going to be great because most of my other video tapes of him are all shaky and grainy and end with me getting hassled by the cops for criminal trespassing.  Last time Sargent Rodriguez was all “What are ya, some kinda ‘KawaSTALKi‘?  Get it?  Because you’re stalking Kawasaki?!  Hahahaha!  I’m so funny!  By the way we’ve called your husband and he says he won’t pay the bail again.  Prepare to get jail lice.” 

And actually I’m a bit surprised that we’re still on for dinner because last week Guy sent everyone on Alltop a badge that looks like this

Alltop, all the top stories

and I told him that I thought they weren’t edgy enough and so I sent him a few suggestions and he actually featured them all on his blog (!) except for this one

alltop_170x30c.jpg

which he had to delete within the first hour because of the large number of complaints about my “horrific insensitivity”. 

Turns out though that people really liked my “Alltop: Confirmation that I kick ass” badge so Guy asked me if I had any more and I sent him a bunch, including these: 

alltop_170x30e.jpg

alltop_170x30h.jpg

alltop_170x30g.jpg

alltop_170x30j.jpg

alltop_170x30i.jpg

alltop_170x30k.jpg

Surprisingly none of these made the cut.  Probably not edgy enough.

PS.  Kawastalki.

 

kawastalki.jpg

You’re right, Sargent Rodriguez.  That shit is funny.

117 thoughts on “Kawa(stalk)i”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. What the hell? You are plenty entertaining in real life.

    I still haven’t figured out really who this kawasaki guy is, but I guess I am happy for you!

    Margaret’s last blog post..General Stuff

  3. I have several thoughts.

    First off, why the hell is it that every time you visit my blog you always read the lame posts and never the good ones? I DO have interesting thoughts, damnit.

    Second, I predict that when you meet Kawasaki, some door to an alternate universe is going to open and there will be a black matter imposion at the restaurant. And then inexplicably, everyone else at the restaurant will want to watch gay porn and put a knife in their eye. It’s going to be badass.

    Law School Hot Mama’s last blog post..The Sixth Totally Incensed Tuesday: Today’s T.I.T. = Idaho

  4. Dude. I think Ryan’s supposed to be there too. But did I get the invite? Noooooo. Guess I’ll just have to wait in the car since I’m not cool enough to be in the tech crowd. (hee hee I just used “cool” and “tech crowd” in the same sentence! I’m so funny!)

    Maybe I’ll sit one table over and blow straw papers at y’all.

    The Introvert’s last blog post..disaster

  8. “All your blogs are belong to us” – that is simply too funny. I wish I could have gotten into that dinner – but I am still looking forward to the CHICKFIGHT! with Steph.

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..Runoff

  11. I like the gay porn one, myself, but my imagination being what it is, I also want to see what badge you would design for gay porn-you know, in case my blog diversifies.

    re. #5, I think my laughing fit would be wholly organic.

    er, that had nothing to do with, umm, fertilizer. You are too damned funny.

    Menchuvian Candidate’s last blog post..Wherein I get political

  13. So jealous. I don’t know how but I started following him on Twitter (probably your influence biatch) and he replied to something I wrote – me a usual oversharing about my arse – MPS asked me what I was smiling at. I told him this ‘Guy Kawasaki’ said this and MPS fell to the ground.

    Now he thinks I am cool. Cause the bastard didn’t freaking believe me before.

    So tell Guy that my husband worships him and I still have no clue why, but I pink puffy heart him. Can I send you a photo of me to get him to tongue kiss? Cause this biatch needs some work done ’round here and that would be just the incentive.

    Kelley’s last blog post..Bouncy castles and idiots at the Psychic festival.

  14. Yea for you!

    Except it seems that it is blog/IRL season on them thar internets, y’all. I think every last one of you has gotten to do something cool with other bloggers.

    I guess that’s what I get for being anonymous.

    My consolation prize is that I’ve been Bloggessed. I’ll take it.

    Headless Mom’s last blog post..Just one more thing to add to my crazy life

  19. Okay, I’m telling you this as a friend. I’d be careful of that Kawasaki guy. That guy, Kawasaki, you know the one. I don’t trust him. He’s got too a waay too cool name.

  21. Until I looked at his link I realize that I’ve been confusing Guy Kawasaki with Guy SMILEY. You know…from Sesame Street? Here’s hoping your Guy doesn’t show up for dinner with a puppetmaster’s arm up his ass. Unless, of course, he’s asking for it.

    AB’s last blog post..Unthinkable

  23. Be sure to ask Guy about the ringing in his ears. If your blog can cure cancer, then maybe it can cure Meniere’s disease too. Gives new meaning to being Bloggessed. You’ve been healed! (said with, well, probably the accent you already have)

  26. um so i’m gonna pretend to be all jealous because i’m afraid if i tell you i’ve never heard of guy motorcycle-brand, until you started talking about him, you won’t be my friend anymore.

    so, yeah. this is me. jealous.

    but i SO had a slumber party with bossy and i KNOW you know who she is 🙂

    Biddy’s last blog post..letter to the IRS

  28. A. WOW… first time i ever wish i was going on a date with a guy, i mean the GUY.

    B. I got semi-Kawasakied (check my last blog posting)… he wrote back to me

    C. We need a term for being emailed buy Guy…

    D. Please reply on my blog ! 😀

    Atif Khan’s last blog post..Sell Yahoo, the big ‘Guy’ says so

  29. I Kawastalki him on Twitter but I am not cool enough to have an Alltop badge. Sigh.

    If I send you some handcuffs could you get a few “interesting” videos for me? Or do you think he might have you arrested?

    Lawyer Mama’s last blog post..Missing Her

  30. What will you do if the Ninjas strike? All of that power concentrated in one room might be too tempting for them to resist, you know.

    Also, I’ve got an award for you (I feel like such a nerd! As if admitting to playing D&D, video games and watching sci-fi movies weren’t nerdy enough already….) on my blog, if you would be so kind as to drop by!

    Hatchet’s last blog post..To All The Blogs I’ve Loved Before…

  31. I totally don’t believe you’re not entertaining in real life. If my fellow teachers think I’m a laugh riot, surely you would put them in a hilarious coma.

    I really like the “Motherf*ers” one, but maybe that’s just because I have to shout that everyday in my car on the way home from school to clear my head…I have issues?

    stephanie’s last blog post..how many days till summer?

  32. Puh-leeze…I know for a fact you ARE entertaining in real life, so don’t even sell be that BS. 😀
    Now, just remember the rules when you meet him:
    -no drooling (or at least put on the bib first)
    -no loud screaming of profanities (use the ‘indoor voice’)
    -take lots and lots of video/photos so we can all poke holes in your voodoo doll as we turn three shades of green [w/envy]

    Hope you have a blast. 🙂

    The Pear Lady’s last blog post..It’s time for the letter of the day

  33. I’m so gonna use the “Who’s retarded now?” one if I get famous. For now I’ll have to settle for “Yes, I write a blog that about 5 people read and only 3 comment on which is kind of unfair because the elderly don’t know how to leave comments”.

    You’re awesome Jenny:)!

    Kylie’s last blog post..What do you mean “It’s Illegal”?

  35. Well, I may just go down to the strip in town where all the car dealers are and grab myself a guy that sells Kawasakis. I’ll have my own little tête à tête, cause I’m a dork like that.

    amanda’s last blog post..Suggestive Pose

  38. Stop being witty and hysterical, people. You are making it very difficult to pick a “comment of the day”.

    Mrs. Chicken – I recommend emailing Guy and asking if he’d consider your blog. The guy can’t say no. He’s like me in high school.

    When people asked if I wanted cake.

  39. You are making me laugh my arse off this morning! First over at jen’s with all of the stalking comments and now this. Good, good stuff.

    janet’s last blog post..Oh, Baby

  41. I’m not sure I’m cool enough to be friends with you. Are you sure we should be hanging out? Don’t I need some sort of special pass or something? These are the things that keep me up at night.

    (psssst! write a book!)

    Fuzzball’s last blog post..Thoughtful Tuesday

  43. Fuck. EdT took my idea. You totally need to make some Bloggess badges, because I am such a loser that I have never gotten an award on my blog EVER and this would probably be the only one I have a chance to get. Ever.

    I am pathetic and you must take pity on me.

    Also, email me your home address please. (let’s see how many other people say that now! Stalkers galore!)

    markira’s last blog post..Big Word of the Day

  47. I think you should prep for dinner by making a list of 20 potential items of conversation. Of course, I think we should all be part of the process by which these items are chosen, which means you should come up with about a gazillion and then let us choose how you spend your dinnertime conversation.

    Totally.

    Kelley’s last blog post..Apple Pie FM

  49. i think jen is right. this big, splashy kawastalki bidness sounds like bullshit. thankfully, i get to find out the real truthiest truth on sat. bring the gin.

  51. Guy sent me. You seriously deserve stalkers of your own (and I mean that in the best way)

    ben’s last blog post..Sprung

  53. I think you could poop and describe it and people would build a pedestal for you, made entirely from the excrement you’d described, an “excrestal,” if you will, and then they’d turn it into an awards ceremony in your honor, and there would be poop-shaped cake.

    (they wouldn’t need to make poop-shaped ice cream. because, well, chocolate ice cream already exists. need I add, duh?)

    p.s. I would probably handcraft a poop-gown to wear to the event (of the season), and then I’d get a last-minute rejection letter because one of your PR peons will have not recognized my having participated in constructing the original “excrestal” and it will be this giant PR nightmare. and then I’ll fill lots of paper bags with poop and light them on fire and people won’t be able to go through the main entrance to the event, because of all that flaming poop. and then the whole debacle will be on CNN for hours, with running commentary about the attendees being splattered by bits of burning excrement. and it will be dubbed the all-poop-all-the-time news channel, and you will be internationally famous.

    I’m good at predictions (and by “good” I mean “crazy-good”) so watch out.

    Anyway, you know it’ll be a dream come true.

    If you want, I’ll help design your excrestal-ascending poop-gown. I have some fantastic ideas. Just you wait and see if I don’t. (I *know*.)

  56. THAT is your exciting news!?! You’re going to dinner?!?! I was expecting something about a sex change or Victor has added a opposum to his tattoo. Here’s a *newsflash* for you. I made my own dinner. It was meatloaf, and it was damn tasty. No one died who ate it, so that’s a bonus.

  57. Don’t worry about not being the life o’ the party, you’ll be hilarious. Just don’t try to be hilarious, because then he’ll probably give you one of those “looks” that says, “JEEEZUS, I’m being kawastalkied by a kawa-loser!” Not good.

    Also, wear something lowcut.

    It can’t hurt.

    Unless flamethrowers regularly pop out of your boobies… then, wear a turtleneck.

    Sensitiva McFeelingsly’s last blog post..Death by Embarrassment

  59. Jenny, you rock! 🙂

    My first functioning(*) personal computer was an Apple //e. Years later, I was among the first Java developers. On both accounts, Guy Kawasaki is one of my personal heroes, and I’ve had the pleasure of hearing him speak at JavaOne.

    I don’t think you’ll hear any nervous throat-clearing from him, but you never know. He might get a catch in his throat just knowing that you’re there. 😀

    DH

    (*) I actually had the parts to build a Z80-based system that would have used toggle switches to program it. But then the //e came out and I thought, “Ok, I’m a geek, but even I have to admit that would be way easier and just as cool. Maybe even cooler.” 🙂

    DH (Dear Husband of Avonlea)’s last blog post..I wonder what he’s thinking

  60. oooooo! You’re going to have so much fun with Guy and I’m so jealous!

    I kawastalki Guy on Twitter and when he followed me back I fell out of my chair. Though I suspect he followed back out of politeness and manners (because Guy’s awesome like that) rather than an actual interest in anything I have to say. I’ve considered replying to his tweets many times but am way too intimidated to actually do it. I mean what if he replied back and we had a conversation and I somehow ended up kawasakied? I would have no idea how to react. I’d just stand there saying Um staring blurry eyed into oblivion.

    btw – You need to get on Twitter because I definitely need more Jenny! I’m addicted but it’s not a problem, I swear.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Hump Day Humor: PMS

  61. I don’t know GK (yet) but I recently saw an article in Wired where they quoted him saying something technologically relevant/irreverent (delete as appropriate). Can you ask him a question for me? When will cheese become technically beneficial to the average blogger?
    Ta muchly.

  63. Pingback: misszoot.com » Bullets of Insanity

  65. I’d try to come up with something witty, but I think Debbie already left the best comment ever.

    PS: Tell the dude I want some Alltop action, just for the awesome buttons, though. 😉

    Kyla’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Home Run!

  67. a) If you do what lildb said, I’ll strip you naked, hide your clothes, roll you in honey and drag you through gravel.

    b) I’ll tell you like I told Guy…sounds to me like “somebody” wants to get in “somebody’s” britches.

    c) Bet he thought the first “somebody” was him.

    d) Something I’ll neither confirm nor deny.

    e) By “not that entertaining” you just mean you draw the line at “going into the special room after a lap dance”, right?

    f) I have no idea what I just said.

    g) I promise I’m not going through the whole alphabet, just one more letter and I’m done.

    h) Forget “Kawastalki”…I’m a Bloggesstalki and ALL that implies ;)…!

    PENSIEVE’s last blog post..Flittin’ & Buzzin’ (Why girls are butterflies and boys are bees)

  69. Pingback: Chicken And Cheese Worrisome

  70. Guy just twittered me.

    Which sounds mildly pornographic.

    Do you think that’s what they had in mind when they came up with the name?

    (He must’ve liked my alpha-numeric comment…or wanted to keep an eye on me in case I was one of those…you know…scary kawastalkers.)

    Since y’all are all up in each other’s business now, make sure he knows I’m just a powderpuff, a kitten, totally harmless, k?

    PENSIEVE’s last blog post..Flittin’ & Buzzin’ (Why girls are butterflies and boys are bees)

  76. Hi Bloggess, I met Guy at one of the Net Sol events and left unscathed … no worries! Then again, I’ve been known to evangalize apple pasties! Fun stuff … loved the buttons.

    vicequeenmaria’s last blog post..Traveling Light

  79. If you can’t think of anything to say, don’t talk. You can say that you are czech, don’t know English and use Babelfish to translate your posts.

    You are very much sitting at the cool kids lunch table now. 😉

    simplypink’s last blog post..skankalicious on aisle 9

  82. I think making fun of retards is a lot more insensitive than making light of women with one breast or mens who ride bikes for a living.

  83. sorry…I should read proof-read before hitting ‘Submit’. A thousand pardons.

  87. Thanks for the laugh. I’ve been up to my eyeballs in boring stuff and your post is now the highlight of my day. I have no idea in Hades who the cute Mr. K is but I’ll click on the linkies and figure it out.

  88. I LIKE the cancer one. A lot. For what its worth. Some people have no sense of humor. Or some people have a really horrifically insensitive sense of humor, and the other people with horrifically insensitive senses of humor laugh with them and the other 98% of the world complains about them. Us. About us.

    Kat’s last blog post..My Pretty House

  89. How do you keep getting fucking funnier every time I read you? I think I’m going to give up writing. Or just start a blog that says, “Fuck it. Just go read Jenny.”.

    But seriously, you are in your groove!

    Lotta’s last blog post..Smell The Lemons!

  90. Do you really need one more person telling you how funny you are? I didn’t think so. But you NEED to know that I am quite partial to “All your blogs are belong to us” and pretty much anyone who gets that reference. Well, except for those pasty, pimply gamer types…

    Izzy’s last blog post..The Age of Unreason

  92. So jealous! First of all, just being near a conversation that includes him would make me smarter, but you being there too would make me explode with witty puns and crazy photoshopped images. I crave smart people.

    Second, I have the totally normal badge on my site (I know, boring, but my grandma reads), and I had no idea you’re the one that invented the new snarky badges! Guy either wants to keep your talent to himself, or is taking all the credit. Maybe both. I like being in AllTop (Life category), and will continue to feel cool as long as I continue to be above Pioneer Woman.

    Third, if I had my druthers I would so put the gay porn one on my site.

    Fourth, the cancer one is really funny to me, but in all seriousness it was bad timing b/c a blogger on Twitter had just had a big regression with cancer.

    Fifth, make me a badge that says “I’m better than Pioneer Woman” and I’ll owe you forever.

    P.S. Come play on Twitter

    To Think Is To Create’s last blog post..Education Day: Chicago Moms Blog

  96. Ok i realize i am f*%#ing comment #96 or something pathetic like that. But i just had to get my most recent blog post title on YOUR blog biotch.

    Kisses!

    Peace, Love & Light~

    Ture Light Tracey’s last blog post..thinkarete.com

  99. Tracey, you are cracking me up. With the comments even moreso than the post.

    CommentLuv hates me too on other people’s blogs. It’s kind of a bitch.

  100. You’re following Ryan on twitter now? Crap. As if his ego wasn’t big enough. Now all I’m going to hear is how you like him better than me. Are you breaking up with me?

    The Introvert’s last blog post..arrogance

  105. You’ve really arrived, J-La, because you’ve gotten invitation to sup with G-Ka and I have not. I am hurt, horrified, saddened and made to feel insignificant. Instead of trading witty barbs with you, E-O’G and L-Ma, I’ll be sitting at home, enjoying gruel with my mewling brood.

    Life’s just not worth living, knowhutImean?

  106. How ’bout I come to dinner, too. Like, so *I* can do the videotaping and you two can chat — or nervously clear your throats.

    By the way, that last badge is my fave…!

    (And, I used to think he loved you more than you love him — but now I think the obsession is totally mutual.) 😉

    Haley-O’s last blog post..Me, ?Mommy Blogger?; or, 13 Celebrity STROLLERS

  108. You are too cool for school girl! How fun! You finally get to meet the man in person. I love how he posted your new and improved badges on his site and called you one of the funniest people he’s met in years. And the nice comment about Houston. He doesn’t know how crazy we can be!

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..Mariachis and Tequila

  109. i’ll definitely be needing the “who’s retarded now?” badge. jail lice, how do you come up with this? so random, so great.

    p.s. my dad had cancer and i STILL think your “bookmark it or you’ll get cancer” is quite hilarious for the LOVE OF GOD.

    jesus was gay you know.

    piglet’s last blog post..i’m not home

  110. Pingback: Maslow has been Alltopped! | Maslow Forgot about Beer ™

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It\'s like I\'m stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

Discover more from The Bloggess

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading