Nap box will warp your kid/is awesome.

in functions I shouldn't be allowed to attend, phoning it in, Random Crap

 I was waiting until I was inspired enough for a new post but then Ali and Greta got all demandy so I’m just going to write a bunch of random crap while I’m waiting for my drugs to kick in.  Feel free to skip it.

Stuff I’m thinking about today:

1.  My little sister has a tumor the size of an atomic fireball in her jaw which sounds…I dunno…delicious?  It’s probably not cancerous so we’ve decided to call him Mr. Lumpy.  But if he is cancerous we will call him Terrible John the Bastard King of Assholery.  Also, I’ll feel really guilty about telling her that it’s probably a silent twin that’s going to come alive and murder her in her sleep.  

2.  Have you seen this? 

tv-stool.jpg

 It’s some kind of a nap/TV/stool for kids and it’s the coolest damn thing ever.  I totally want one for Hailey but I want it to be the size of a refrigerator box so I can put her inside and sit on it.  ‘Cause “Mommy needs to blog, sweetie”.  But I mean, I’ll put air holes in it.  And a place for the catheter.  What am I, some kind of monster?

3.  This weekend I met up with Liv and Julie in a fancy french restaurant and somehow managed to yell “Vietnamese F-ck Table” in front of a baby.  Awesome.  But the good news is that we solved several issues worrying me about BlogHer.  See, I have a hearing problem and can’t hear anyplace there’s ambient noise so I try to read lips which doesn’t work at all at dark, loud cocktail parties.  This is why (true story) at the last BlogHer party I made my friend Laura stay in the bathroom with me throughout the entire party and why almost all of my pictures have toilets in them.

bathroom.jpg

Anyway, I mentioned to Julie and Liv that I was really nervous that I wouldn’t be able to hear anyone at the BlogHer parties so we decided I should buy a child’s Indian Teepee and carry it around like a giant hat and people can come inside one at a time and talk to me.  Also I’ll bring my flashlight so I can read your lips.  Or maybe I’ll put some taplights on my boobs because that seems more sophisticated.  Oh and I might be wearing a veil too.

I’m pretty much going to be the coolest person there.

4.  Two words:  Franken-gina.  I guess that’s really one word.

5.  My spellcheck says “Assholery” isn’t a real word.  How totally pisstastic.

6.  BlogHer 08.  Are you going?  If not I think we need to put together some sort of virtual get-together.  Maybe everyone meet here at a certain time and we break the servers or something.

Comments of the day:  What is a BlogHer party, and should I be attending them? They sound pretty important. And, after all, I’m in the freaking JUNIOR LEAGUE, so it is just not a party without me there….ummm….except that there’s a reason my name is The Introvert, so I’d just be standing in the corner by the bar watching Jenny do the worm in the middle of the dance floor while the crowd shouts “Go Jenny! It’s your birthday!” ~The introvert

And my response: Okay people…BlogHer: It’s a conference that happens in July. You get there on Thursday and party. Friday you go to a few sessions and realize they are all kind of boring. Go get drunk with your friends. Saturday you go to the sessions that your friends or celebrities are speaking at and then you stalk them and give them love letters with pictures of them and your cat. Saturday night you tell everyone your deepest secrets and also accidentally flash some people. Sunday important stuff happens but you skip it to sleep in and then you go to the airport. Also there are cocktail parties. In a nutshell that’s it. And you should go. But if you can’t, I will still love you. Maybe even moreso because I will not have embarrassed myself in front of you. ~ me

90 thoughts on “Nap box will warp your kid/is awesome.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. You’ve got two entries in Urban Dictionary and now you want your own effing spell-check regognized language too?
    Gettin kinda greedy there aintcha Miss Pissy Pants?
    🙂

    Hairy Weisenheimmer’s last blog post..One Good Chair

  5. I wasn’t going to go but now that I am thinking about you being there… Nah, still not going. Would love to meet you. And you’d love to hang with me because I am totally the best at communicating with hard of hearing people. Grandma can’t hear a damned thing except me, which is pretty much the nicest thing I have to say about myself. I need a drink.

    clickmom’s last blog post..trashy

  9. I wanted to make out with that sink. I remember thinking I could slip it into my handbag. or, no, wait, that was Motherbumper who I tried to slip into my handbag.

    *hic*

  13. You are everywhere these days woman. I don’t know you exist and suddenly you are written about everywhere I go.

    cool.

  14. It sounds like you need an Inverse Cone of Silence.

    Oh, and what is this about naming a cancerous lesion “Terrible John”? That is so totally down-putting to all the hard-working johns out there. I’m sure that Elliot Spitzer will want to have a word with you about this!

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..MS-150: the finish

  15. Maybe you could get one of those old fashioned horn thingies?

    Oh Good god, that’s the last thing they need at BlogHer – a Horny Jenny!

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..MS-150: the finish

  17. OMG. But, if it is cancer, she can just read your blog and then she’ll be fine, right? Right?

    And, I have a baby and he’s heard MUCH worse than Vietnamese F*ck-Table.

    AND, I’m not going to BlogHer because I’m pretty sure my husband would divorce me if I told him I was going to a CONFERNECE for BLOGGERS.

    AMomTwoBoys’s last blog post..Family Fun Day

  18. So you aren’t going? Or you just won’t hear shit while you’re there? Cause if the latter is the case you can bunk with me and this kid refusing to come out of my body. I get the sense that her recalcitrance now is a promise of hell to come.

    amanda’s last blog post..Through the years

  21. There are gonna be chicks at the BlogHer thing, right? Then I’ll totally be there – Look for the guy with the roofies and vodka.

    PS – Firefox says “roofies” isn’t a real word. pfffh… whatever… they are totally real. Right, baby? Baby?

  22. I’m going to BlogHer, baby! And you’d better have dinner with me again. I’ll write everything down for you.

    I mean if Amy Sedaris happened to say “Wow, Jenny, I really loved that letter you gave me last year,” I won’t even write down “Wow, Jenny, I really love it when strangers come up and lick my ears” just to fuck with you.

    I promise.

    Lawyer Mama’s last blog post..Us

  23. Oh Jenny. If I were going to blogher, I’d gladly pantomime for you. But really I’d mock you behind your teepee.

    As far as your sister and Terrible John the Bastard King of Assholery – maybe it is her twin, and they’ll find a tooth and some hair… creepy! Seriously, though, I hope it is ‘nothing’.

    Gretchen’s last blog post..Good Morning Sunshine!

  24. you need the cone of silence. contact agent 99, she’ll take care of you. agent 86 will just screw it up – again.

    Bob’s last blog post..Round Two

  25. Demandy. See…now when we get demandy, you give us Vietnamese fuck tables and assholery. Through in furiousball’s jizzerific and you’re a modern day Jane Austen. Admit it.

    Greta’s last blog post..Getting a Spray Tan

  28. i am entirely too poor to go to blogher…but i really want to.

    then again, i’m too poor to come to houston and meet you…

    i hate my life

    and assholery is probably my new favorite word

    Biddy’s last blog post..DAMNITT!

  30. What is a BlogHer party, and should I be attending them? They sound pretty important. And, after all, I’m in the freaking JUNIOR LEAGUE, so it is just not a party without me there….ummm….except that there’s a reason my name is The Introvert, so I’d just be standing in the corner by the bar watching Jenny do the worm in the middle of the dance floor while the crowd shouts “Go Jenny! It’s your birthday!”

    dang it.

    The Introvert’s last blog post..open letter to proactiv

  34. “I’m pretty much going to be the coolest person there.”

    besides me, of course.

    dude, that tv/bench/brain melty thing is creepy. Creepy, dude. really. on so many levels…..but a good tool, I’ll have to admit. When I’m desperate I totally bust out PBS kids so I can do my blog thing. Neurons not developing, whaaat?

    Defiantmuse’s last blog post..Conversations of the past few days…

  36. Hope your sis is ok, because it’s way more fun to make fun of a rogue twin.

    I have the ambient hearing issue, too, and I pretty much always act like I can hear people. I kinda thought it was too much ear wax or something, but “hearing problem” is so much more professional.

    I am going to BlogHer (my first time!) but I think that it would be a little kitchy for me to show up with a teepee too. I need other ideas.

    To Think Is To Create’s last blog post..Best Shot Monday: Tiny Profile

  37. Try being Australian… nearly every freaking thing I write is pulled up by the bloody Yank spellchecker. Bastard.

    And biatch, seems we are reading the same blogs cause I was going to post about that nap/TV thingy. But I can’t now cause then I will be a wanna be. Suckage. Argh you stupid American spell checker arsehole… Suckage, argh and arsehole are legitimate words!

    I am going to go and watch my water go down the sink the right way now…

    Kelley’s last blog post..A bit of housekeeping. Or not. But a whole lotta blogrolling.

  38. OMG…..I totally remember that cool bathroom with the rocks at teh Thursday night shouting party.

    I’ll be at blogher again this year AND I’d like to meet you AND I’d like a nap stool. Maybe we can bring them to the party?

    Kimberly’s last blog post..In the Dirt

  41. I hope assholery is a word, because I use arseholier than thou all the time. It comforts me.
    I doubt I would go to BlogHer even if it were held in my city. All those cute people talking and wearing bras, and new shoes, the pressure!

    witchypoo’s last blog post..April 14 Puzzle

  42. I am totally going to be at BlogHer this year. (I am pretty sure.) And after the entertainment of sitting behind you and talking to you while you were stalking Amy Sedaris, I call dibs on watching your next stalking. can’t wait to see you again.

    Hey, will be in Houston several times between now and then, we totally need to meet up!

    Jenn’s last blog post..When the paper clip mocks you it is time for a break

  44. Um, teepees rock. I went to a gallery opening which had a homemade teepee filled with soft, downy pillows. I wanted to move in, but it would have been trespassing/illegal/blah blah blah.

    I’m actually quite envious of your potential dabbling in teepee-ery.

    MsPrufrock’s last blog post..Music Monday: Beirut

  48. about the hearing thing: go to an audiologist and get tested. I had the same problem and found I had a deficit. I got a pair of these

    http://www.resoundair.com/micro/index.htm

    they can be programmed for frequencies of human voice and while, they don’t completely correct, they help a lot. Plus you might find you have been missing many environmental noises. I use one of those radio remote doodads for television because it doesn’t help me with that but these things are great. really invisible and drop dead expensive, but worth it.

    pookie addams’s last blog post..practical advise #56

  49. If you use it in a sentence, it’s a word and spellcheck can suck it. Who is the “spellcheck” and what makes him think he’s Word God, anyway? Sounds like a bunch of pisstastic assholery to me…

    ps — I can’t hear when there is ambient noise either. I also read lips. This makes me very creepy because I rarely look people in the eyes.

    Jen O.’s last blog post..4:30 a.m.

  50. I don’t imagine I will be heading there. We are probably going to take off in our sailboat for a couple of weeks, and when I weigh the sailboat and lovely beaches against Blogher you can imagine which one wins.

    Maybe we can have a mini-Blogher here at the coast? It is really lovely here, and we have some amazing places to eat and party. How does margaritas at a Tiki bar overlooking the marina sound?

    jody’s last blog post..She rows

  52. I vote yes on the tepee teamed with the tap lights. I have that problem too so you might be able to market the whole thing.

    I’ll take 3 of the nap TV stools which will allow me to get a little more blogging completed.

    HRH’s last blog post..When minivans attack (part II)…

  53. I think taplights are the way to go. I mean, last year it was MBT stickers on the boobs…actual headlights seems the natural progression of things, right?

    BlogHer 08, yes.

    Kyla’s last blog post..Ahh, memories.

  54. Instead of a teepee, what about one of those 70’s bubble umbrellas? Then you can keep your sight lines open to grab waitresses to bring you drink refills. Hah! AM SMART!

    Velma’s last blog post..Woo Hoo!

  57. Oh Good god, that’s the last thing they need at BlogHer – a Horny Jenny!

    I mis-typed: that should have been “a Hornied Bloggess” instead.

    Question: does blockquoting myself count toward the points needed to be declared nuts?

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..MS-150: the finish

  58. Damn, I’m not even sure what to respond to. Frankenjina? Porn? Headlight boobs? Invisible boxes you can have sex under? Air holes? Assholes? Horny Jenny? All of this equals horny Simply Jenn! Now I have to go on a hunt to find a man under the age of 60, who is not a complete bore, to jump. This is going to be a very hard task, considering I’m in academialand. Thanks a lot for the assholery.

    Simply Jenn’s last blog post..Fun Monday, photo style

  59. Wish I could go to BlogHer. But other stupid responsibilities are getting the way. Damn you adulthood!

    I somehow always manage to yell obscenities around young, impressionable children. Probably why I don’t have kids.

    Hope Mr. Lumpy doesn’t become Terrible John. And if he does, revolt and kick his assholery!

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Tuesday Trivia: Board Games

  60. Yes, I’m going to BlogHer this year and I’m pretty sure that I’m going to throw another Cheeseburger Party, so I’m going to go ahead and invite you now, so that you can’t use “I didn’t know about it!” as an excuse not to show up.

    Suddenly, I can’t wait for July to get here already.

    Naked Jenny at BlogHer. AWESOME.

    Y’s last blog post..Not a Photographer

  61. Okay, that Nap Stool thing is evil. I still believe “TV is chewing gum for the eyes,” unless of course I’m the one watching TV. LOL! Also, I love the idea of the teepee hat and the taplights on your boobs. Fantastic!

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..skirt! Blog

  62. Seriously, did no one hear Ryan? He’s gonna have roofies! And vodka! I’m gonna be at his table. Drunk/stoned blogging LIVE.

    You know, if I was going. Sigh.

    markira’s last blog post..Dressed To Impress

  63. Be appreciative that you won’t be able to hear the shit I might spew. Really. You won’t be missing out on all that much. Or you can just smile and nod and sip a cocktail. Whatever.

    Heather B.’s last blog post..Clingy

  64. WTH is a BlogHer? Is it like a ButcHer? Someone who slaughters blogs? Why would anyone want to go to that?

    And how is that you and everyone you know glows? How do I get some of that?

    (My family lives in Houston, which is kind of how I found you in the first place, but that also means that I’ll never be back).

    Kylie’s last blog post..You’ve got questions…

  72. Assholery is totally a word. Spellcheck can eat a fat one.

    I hope that the blob is just Mr. Lumpy.

    That table is creepy…or maybe not…I can’t decide. I think I might be a flip flopper on that subject.

    I want to go to BlogHer, but I know that Hubby would die if I said, “I am going to be gone for a week. I am going to a conference for women who blog, to meet all of my internet “friends”” He already thinks I am crazy enough for blogging, going to a conference for it would surely have him locking me up at the funny farm.

    Faith’s last blog post..Five More

  73. Yeah well I am related to you, so it will probably be a tiny leprechaun, and everyone will be like “WHAT?! I didn’t even know you could have a tiny leprechaun in your head!” And I’ll be all “I Knoooow, but my sister had a dog disease, so it’s all good.” And they’d be all “Duuuuude.”

    A teepee would just be crazy, but if you took one of those nap chairs and threw a sheet over it, that would be totally fine. Plus, that way you could finally watch the boxed set of Arrested Development that’s been sitting in front of your TV for the past year…oh wait, that’s me.

  74. Wait. *I* have the unopened box set of Arrested Development sitting in front of my tv! You are so my hermano. (Or whatever the female equivalent is.)

    Okay people…BlogHer: It’s a conference that happens in July. You get there on Thursday and party. Friday you go to a few sessions and realize they are all kind of boring. Go get drunk with your friends. Saturday you go to the sessions that your friends or celebrities are speaking at and then you stalk them and give them love letters with pictures of them and your cat. Saturday night you tell everyone your deepest secrets and also accidentally flash some people. Sunday important stuff happens but you skip it to sleep in and then you go to the airport. Also there are cocktail parties. In a nutshell that’s it. And you should go. But if you can’t, I will still love you. Maybe even moreso because I will not have embarrassed myself in front of you.

  76. a) THANK you. GAWD. FINALLY.

    b) Waaaaah, I wanna go to BlogHer.

    c) King John was an ineffective assmunch and militarily inept, but for some reason is not often associated with the Magna Carta. So at least there was that. He was also his father’s favorite child but not close to his mother, which is the OPPOSITE of what you look for in historically significant leaders (Lincoln, JFK, et al.)

    *the more you know*

    ali’s last blog post..A BLATANT CHALLENGE

  78. YAY! I’m going! I’m also terrifically frightened because I don’t know ANYBODY! (hold me!)

    I can’t hear well in noisy social situations, either. We can stand together and yell in each other’s ears. Because that won’t be weird at all!

  79. I am going. I hadn’t considered the need for boob lights. This changes everything.

    Once I decided to go (and paid) it seemed like a bunch of people decided not to go. I tried not to take it personally, but then Debbie decided to become a political blogger, or quit or something, so then who the hell will I know. Thank god I can look for the lights and know it is you.

    nonlineargirl’s last blog post..Five Alive

  81. You know what else should be a word? Taplight-tastic. I haven’t decided whether it should be hyphenated like that, or just one big word: taplightastic. You should probably go to BlogHer and mediate a session on that.

    I am not going. Too far away, too much money. I’ll just have to get drunk, here, with people I already know. Assholery all around.

    janet’s last blog post..To Elyse, on a Spring Morning

  83. Fuckstick, woman…how do you even READ 80-something comments??

    Alas, I will not be attending BlogHer this year either. (BlogHer ’06 still kicks every other BlogHer’s ass, yo.) This time it’s because of some STUPID WEDDING that I have to go to….my groom would be pissed if I ditched him. Meh.

    Chase’s last blog post..Zoot Suit Riot

  86. I so want to go to Blogher but I can’t this year because we are heading to Scandinavia shortly thereafter and that is where all my moneh is going. Maybe 2009? Wheeeee!!!!

    andrea’s last blog post..Twenty-Two

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