Puerto Rico, part one: Things I learned in first class

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(Taken directly from my journal because I’m lazy.) 

Things I learned on my trip to Puerto Rico:

1.  The President’s Club at the airport offers free alcohol.  Surprisingly, no one is drunk.

2.  There are no President’s and lots of old white people in the President’s Club.  Disappointing on both parts.

3.  I just figured out why no one is drunk here.  This amaretto sour sucks.  Victor:  “Yeah, and also it’s only 9am, drunky.”

amaretto.jpg

4.  Victor just yelled at me that if I get him kicked out of the President’s Club he’ll never speak to me again.  Two minutes late he was pretending to be a professional cockfighter and yelling “My cock is stronger than yours!” in a Spanish accent.  Alcohol is the great equalizer.

5.  These cocktails are better than I thought.

6.  We just almost got kicked out of the President’s Club.  Victor wouldn’t let me do shots with a bunch of guys headed for Vegas and then he got all pissy when I called him a “Republican”.  I was totally going to introduce him as an up-and-coming cockfighter to the Vegas guys but it’s too late now.

drunk-guy.jpg

7.  On the plane:  First class kicks ass.  They just brang me a hot towel.  I mean “brought”.  I don’t think you’re supposed to say “brang” in first class.  Or “fuck”.  I’m sitting here watching Frisky Dingo, drinking wine, eating cheese and some chick just set up some sort of elaborate picnic on my lap.  At this point the plane could crash and I’d still consider it a successful vacation.

frisky-dingo.jpg

8.  Scratch that last line.  That was the xanax talking.

9.  So I get these movie headphones FOR FREE?!  To keep?!  That is insane.  I officially hate rich people now.  I think I could ask the stewardess for Jim Morrison’s skull and eight blonde virgins and she’d totally make it happen.  Ooh!  More cashews!

10.  They just shut that flimsy little curtain that separates first class and everyone else and I was all “Good!  You poor motherfuckers shouldn’t be able to look at us.”  I think first class is changing me.  Also, Victor just reminded me that we’re flying coach on the way back.  Now I know just how Marie Antoinette felt. 

11.  The stewardess just gave me six pieces of silverware to eat a bunch of stuff that I’m pretty sure is all finger food.   Which fork is the cracker fork? 

12.  Me:  “This is so opulent. I feel just like Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman.  Except, you know, without almost getting raped by Jason Alexander.”

Victor: “Well, vacation’s not over yet.”

14.  3 hours into the flight I look out the window.  Nothing but water forever. 

bermuda-triangle1.jpg

Took another xanax.

15.  I want to live in the lavatory.  It’s all my air inside that room.  None of this re-breathing other people’s air in there.  I wonder if you can die from carbon dioxide poisoning on a long flight?  I bet you can.  I’m more concerned about the pilot, actually.  I hope the poor bastard has his own airtank up there.  Maybe I should mention this to the stewardess.  Victor keeps wondering why I’m spending so much time in the bathroom.  I’m totally not going to tell him.  Let him figure it out for himself.  That bathroom air is mine!

16.  Victor did NOT record all the Frisky Dingo episodes on his ipod.  There are like ten missing and when I told him about it he just shrugged.  There will be hell to pay.

17.  Found something else he downloaded though called “My Bare Lady”.  Disappointingly it is not porn.  But it does have porn stars in it.  So, partial credit.

18.  Journaling is a lot like twittering except with less feedback.  Also no people telling me they just made a sandwich or have to poop.  I miss those people.

19.  You know what they should make?  Twenty-five dollar bills.

Also, they should put ads on the cash and the money can go to lowering our taxes.  And they could put coupons ON the money to make you want to spend it and stimulate the economy.

img_2873.jpg

I’m pretty sure I just solved America’s national deficit issues.  Victor is frustratingly nonplussed.  The plane lands in 5 minutes.  I want another drink but Victor thinks I’ve had enough.  I think he’s just jealous that he didn’t come up with the twenty-five dollar bill.

To be continued if I don’t get distracted which will probably totally happen.

Comment of the day:  I am thinking you should not actually take Xanax and drink. Isn’t there a warning on the side of the bottle that says just that? Hmmmm, does it make the Xanax work better? Get back to me on this. ~ Cedarflame

And my rebuttal:  It is very true that you should not take xanax and drink. But you should also not poke cheetahs with sticks and that never stopped me. Eventually one of these things may kill me but at least I will have known the thrill of poking cheetah’s with sharp sticks.  I’m not making sense, am I? I blame the xanax mixer. Which I did not drink because they are illegal. ~ Jenny, the bloggess (who is a very poor example according to most people.)

113 thoughts on “Puerto Rico, part one: Things I learned in first class”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. I’m with ya on the $25 bill … I’ve said that for years … I’m not with you on the Xanax, but back in with ya drinking as the breakfast of champions when on vacation … or any morning I can get away with it, =)

  5. Dude. The picture of the Vegas guy? The guy sitting right behind the baldy?

    Totally looks like Robert Deniro about to kick someone’s ass. “You talkin’ to me?!”

    Chase’s last blog post..Zoot Suit Riot

  7. Apparently we had enough miles to upgrade to first for the way up. On the way back it would have cost $600 which is just stupid money. Then again, it might have kept me from pulling off that ladies wig on the way back.

  12. First Class Rocks. Except that all the years that I flew first I was, you know, under age and couldn’t drink, so that sucked. But usually the flight attendants would let me hand out the hot towels. I was seven, so that rocked at the time.

    Headless Mom’s last blog post..You Asked For It, You Got It *

  14. dude at the airport is sexy, that is a gorgeous journal, never heard of frisky dingo, but it looks promising.

    LOVE the sky photo complete with notes about giant squid.

    glad you made it back home alive!

    piglet’s last blog post..random stuff

  15. Dude, in all my flying the globe I have sat in first class exactly one time. IT TOTALLY ROCKED! It was Lufthansa and they have these seats that recline into beds – I slept the WHOLE time! But because of all that damn sleeping, I missed the booze. Sleep is such a time waster.

    And welcome back!

    Kylie’s last blog post..Segregation

  16. Glad you’re back, Jenny. Now, maybe I can get my comments approved and posted.

    Oh, and you’re so right – First Class RAWKS!

    (the cracker forks… not so much.)

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..More XTreme PhotoFX

  18. “I think I could ask the stewardess for Jim Morrison’s skull and eight blonde virgins and she’d totally make it happen.”

    “Which fork is the cracker fork?”

    Photo exhibit A: Giant squid/Bermuda Triangle
    Photo exhibit B: U.S. Mint Artist

    Why you’re The Bloggessssss and the next closest place in line is about 14th. Monkey cage climbing hee lair.

    PENSIEVE’s last blog post..Bridge over untroubled waters ~ PLT

  19. You never tell me that you need to poop. And no ‘you go girl”s or ‘awesome’ or ‘ew’ when I announce on Twitter… hmmm perhaps that is because you are not following me. And I was totally following you before that motorcycle dude(Kawasaki is a kind of bike innit?)

    And you do realise my lovely, that that ‘air’ you were sucking up in the bathroom was laced with the ecoli from all the other passengers…

    Kelley’s last blog post..Do. Not. Want.

  20. That’s because I suck at twitter. Really, I do. I forget to look at my replies until like days later and then it’s too late. I should have my license revoked.

    By the way, people, if you are my friend and I’m not following you send me a message because I’ve missed a ton of people and have no idea how to find them. I’m like the Little Bo Peep of Twitter.

  21. I fucking love you. You rock. We would have the best time if we went on vacation together, we could see who would be the first to say “crack whore” in first class.

    After my eye op I love Xanax too. It’s now officially my prescription drug of choice.

    LaLa’s last blog post..Poss

  22. Cracker fork…just when I think I might have it in me to write the kind of posts do, you bring cracker forks and blonde virgins into the mix and I realize I am without hope.

    You fucking rock, even in coach.

    amanda’s last blog post..Hum the Jeopardy jingle

  25. You are just amazing! Twenty five dollar adverbills (yes, I made it up. sorry)would be awesome!

    Especially if it was for useful stuff, like condoms! “Trojan Man says, ‘ Stay safe and keep one in your wallet!”

    Get it? Keep one in your wallet? Where you keep your money and an extra condom?

    Fine, I’ll leave and go drink more coffee.

    Chris’s last blog post..Yes, Johnny, You really can float away with helium balloons…

  28. For some reason my blog thought your comment was some sort of scam spam so I had to go rescue it. Imagine…thinking that an offer to buy $25 for $10 was a scam. Stupid blog.

  30. Advertisements on money! Why have the capitalists never thought of that? And they call themselves money hungry bastards…oh wait. Maybe it’s ME who calls them that. Oops.

    Xanax and booze, breakfast of champions.

    Kyla’s last blog post..Par-tay!

  33. I don’t think I could ever be that cool in first class. I would be the person yelling, drunkenly, “THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN COACH!” and “WHAT ELSE CAN I GET FOR FREE?”

    kirida’s last blog post..animal cruelty

  38. Your $25 bill would save this country. I would so totally vote for you for president. You’d be way better than the old guy, the black guy, or the old bitch who doesn’t know how to give a BJ.

    Jenny For President!

  39. Advertisements on money should get you elected the next president. Oh, I see another reader just had the same idea. Nevermind, it’s worth saying twice.

    You should be president.

    Except you might have to learn how to learn to use a cracker fork first, so that foreign dignitaries don’t make fun of you at state dinners.

    MommyTime’s last blog post..This Week at My House

  40. I don’t know which is funnier… the post or the comments today. Both had me stifling laughter so the other people in my office don’t think I’m nuts.

    The stewardess, oops flight attendant, must have thought you were in the bathroom getting your freak on while you were actually sucking up all the air.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Tuesday Trivia: Cookies

  41. Becky Mochaface: Are you suggesting that our dear Bloggess was flying solo into the Mile High Club?

  43. I flew first class from the US to Ireland almost 10 years ago, and it was awesome. I was 19 and the stewardess kept trying to give me alcohol. I had a glass of wine and a glass of Bailey’s, and the stewardess was like, “That’s all? Are you sure? You don’t want more? Please drink more!” I am thinking now that she probably wanted to get me drunk and have her way with me.

  45. I don’t have time to read all the comments, because I’m not drunk… but just wanted to say that was some funny shit.

    btw, nice job on slipping in the “up-and-coming cockfighter” pun. That’s some EXTRA funny shit.

  46. Crap. I knew I should have gone with first class for our honeymoon. So how do you go about dropping that fact to the ticket counter person so maybe, just maybe, they’ll upgrade you for free like in the movies?

    Jessica’s last blog post..Tamera and Scott

  47. Have your hubby tell the ticket agent that he’s going to propose to you on the plane and ask if there are any extra seats in first. Be sure you give him back your engagement ring before you get there.

  49. You know my son Ben made the same observation about the $25 bill. Perhaps you two are MIND-MELDING.

    BTW… The contest for my tramp stamp was a tie, which was leading me to believe I was going to have to do some amalgamation of Jenny/Beaver (which I would have enjoyed carrying on the small of my back for the rest of my life), but instead in a burst of last minute voting the “Sweet Angelic Jenny” won out.

    DANGIT!

    OK, so I will be going down to CAT TATTOO (I am assuming they tattoo things other than cats there) in Dallas to get this added to my back.

    I shall blog on…

    Houston’s last blog post..The Stupidity Of Others

  50. LOVE the $25 bill w/ adds…you should copyrite that..
    Use Brang more..it makes me look smarter..
    First time I went first class was a few weeks ago..Atlanta to StL.. storms the whole way all we got was a bottle of water..but I could cross and uncross my legs without assistance..AND Joe Buck sat behind me..

    mp’s last blog post..Recap Yet Again??

  51. Oh Jenny, the fact that you have a “no one things is this is funny but me” category is beyond awesome. And the fact that all the entries under that category make be pee with laughter, makes me think I need to build an Altar to Jenny’s Funniness” and worship there every day.

    Robin’s last blog post..Blurzerb, zert, guglug

  52. First Class to Puerto Rico? Oh, that’s nothing. My cousin flew it to Thailand (and back too) for a business trip last week.

    Justin’s last blog post..Finally!

  53. i agree with kyla, and, victor, i think it’s really cute how you make up dialogue for “jenny.” awesome.

  54. Man, I missed you. I missed you more than I usually miss my husband when he is out of town. Is that a bad sign? Next vacation = podcast, k?

  55. Comment #2: Follow me on Twitter – I’ll be the hit of my stalker gang, k?

    hollidaycribbs

  58. I think you have to drive a Dodge Charger painted like the Confederate Flag to get to use the cracker fork. They’ll give the cracker spork to pretty much anyone, I’ve found.

    Greta’s last blog post..Global Food Crisis

  66. I can’t wait to read part 2. I’ll probably still be laughing about part 1 when you post it. Also? I just pooped a sandwich I made yesterday. You’re welcome.

  68. You are the funniest person I know.Seriously.

    BTW, my husband is obsessed with the Giant Squid. He loves them. When they captured the first one on film he almost had a heart attack in front of the tv.

    Pattie’s last blog post..Therapy

  70. You know what would be a good invention? Virtual first class. Actually, I think they may have already invented it in the form of Xanax and whiskey sours.

  72. I am thinking you should not actually take Xanax and drink. Isn’t there a warning on the side of the bottle that says just that. Hmmmm, does it make the Xanax work better? Get back to me on this.

  73. It is very true that you should not take xanax and drink. But you should also not poke cheetahs with sticks and that never stopped me. Eventually one of these things may kill me but at least I will have known the thrill of poking cheetahs with sharp sticks.

    I’m not making sense, am I? I blame the xanax mixer. Which I did not drink because they are illegal.

  74. I love that he called you drunky. That’s one of my favorite words.

    I can’t decide if flying first class or having drugs in first class is a better thing. Do I ask my travel agent this question? Do you think he’d know?

    Phoenix’s last blog post..Asshats in purty clothes

  77. This is so awesome. You are like my best drunk friends, except all the time!

    Also? I think I need to get me some Xanax. You can take it all the time, whenever the need arises? Whenever you feel like you might die because all the air has been sucked out of the room? I need something to cure that.

    Fern’s last blog post..RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAH!

  78. I was going to mention the whole Mile High Club by yourself thing but someone beat me to it…dang*!*

    I flew first class once on a return flight…a 45min. flight…*sigh*…I still remember that beautiful day…sort of. I sucked down 6 Bloody Marys on an empty stomach (no snotty lap picnics for my tiny little flight….bitches).

    Dianna’s last blog post..My project………………….finally

  79. I love Amaretto Sours! I like my alcohol to taste good and then sneak up on me later and show me how my legs would work were they made of rubber like that Stretch Armstrong doll.

    First class is awesome. Especially when your job pays for it. Even better than domestic first class? Trans-Atlantic.

    Totally rocks!

    Even better than that? Singapore Air, first class. The stewardess tucked me in at night. And they gave me PJs to wear and keep.

    Which I didn’t, because I was a First Class Virgin (FCV) at the time. Siiiiigh.

    Hatchet’s last blog post..A Musical Interlude

  80. All I have to say is: The one and only time I took Xanax and had a glass of wine was also the one and only time I ended up stranded in Paris, and too dizzy and loopy to communicate, thus almost resulting in WWIII breaking out between Charles de Gaulle airport and my husband.

    You must have the tolerance of an ox. An ox, I tell you.

    ali’s last blog post..Puppies, Passover and Pond Inhabitants

  81. you’ve just given me the burst i need to not join twitter.
    as if i need blogging lite.
    shit. i want all fat everything. don’t try and put any splenda or margarine into mah writing.

    gwendomama’s last blog post..PLUGGED IN!

  85. Anytime I’m feeling low, all I’ll have to do is think of the phrase “cracker fork” and life will be good once more.

    Thank you Blogess!

    zenmomma’s last blog post..I am loved!

  87. 1. I am surprised that your are surprised, that the President’s club serves free alcohol. I thought the decision making made by the great head’s of state give that away.

    2. Cock fighting is illegal in most places, be careful. An accent doesn’t always get you outta crap either

    3. Thanks for introducing me to Frisky Dingo, reminds me of my high school maths teacher. Also, original tool of doom!

    4. First time I heard lavatory outside work (I work for a household cleaning manufacturer). I thought everyone else called it ‘the crapper’

    5. I’m from Pakistan, cracker forks are just as weird as rice forks

    6. I like this numbered posting thing

    Atif Khan’s last blog post..Firefox – leading the way

  88. xanax makes me forget entire days, conversations and i tend to lock myself out of my house constantly. Oh and i drop things. but it makes doing the little things i hate better.Also when I get to the place where i can’t leave my home to check mail or buy food it does help with that. it’s all a delicate balance of plusses and minuses. yin yang, good point, bad points, light dark, donny and marie.

    pookIE ADdams’s last blog post..if you’ve got the money, honey.

  89. Holy shit! De Niro’s in the President’s Club, too! Before we know it, you’ll have your very own star. On a sidewalk.

    But probably not in Hollywood.

    No, you’re much better than that…

  91. Just to clarify Goddess, I am not the Xanax police. I suffer from panic attacks and have a Monkey Pez-like Xanax Dispenser. I am thinking a total stranger’s blog is not someplace I should be mentioning this. Ah wtf.

    Cedarflame’s last blog post..Queen

  93. Cracker Fork.

    I need to get me some.

    Fast.

    We have too many crackers and not enough forks to eat them with.

    Faith’s last blog post..WFMW

  98. OMG, ads on money!

    There you have it.

    And for the record, I’d need something stronger than Xanax to fly over all that water. I’ve actually sailed through it and believe me, it was not a pretty sight – especially the bermuda triangle part. Let’s just say the bartender and my dramamine were my best friends.

    Carrie’s last blog post..Nothing Sweeter

  99. God I love first class. And the president’s club. Although we were always there when I was pregnant and all I got was some stupid hot tea. Sucked. Now that I can booze it up we don’t travel. Can’t wait to hear more about the vacation.

    Sabrina’s last blog post..Houston recommendations?

  101. Frisky Dingo fan, nice!

    Good luck and blogger connections in Atlanta made it possible to have Killface call my wife for her birthday. Lotta love her for the big white monster.

    If I could get Brock Samson or The Monarch for her next one, I’d be in heaven. No if only Team Venture lived in Houston I’d be set.

    Robert’s last blog post..Wednesday Night Photo Post: Plane:Wing:Engine 22

  103. Love it, however, I think it’s the xanax talking and not the first class. From my experience with the wonder drug, xanax makes doing the laundry feel like winning the lottery; McDonalds suddenly seems like a five star restaurant; and you want to hug the bitch, I mean sweet, sweet woman, who just gave you the finger, because oops you didn’t notice that the traffic light turned green ten seconds ago, as she is probably just having a bad day.

    You are hilarious-laughed out loud while reading this!

    laurieofthesevenstories’s last blog post..IT’S NOT THURSDAY AGAIN?!

  104. I’m pretty sure I’m in love you. Not sure if it’s because of, or except for, your vaguely abusive attitude.

    Seriously – finding “sponsors” for our legal tender is, as so many others have already pointed out, freaking brilliant. Unfortunately there are a few Federal Regulations that will have to be . . . um . . . altered first. And that will take time, money, and at least one member of Congress. Fortunately, Breck and Pizza Hut have plenty of money, but who will lead the movement? That’s where you come in. We need you, Jenny, to run for public office. You’ve totally got my vote.

    I might even *gasp* move to TEXAS if that’s what it takes to vote for you.

    Red Flashlight’s last blog post..Malignant Growths

  107. #18 is hilarious. I guess I have the wrong friends on twitter…no one has ever said that they have to poop. Nice! I think I’m tweeting that.

  108. They wouldn’t make a $25.00 bill now because they (they being “the establishment”…if you would, please say that with a very British accent b/c my southern one isn’t pulling it off) couldn’t say it was THEIR IDEA.

    Or maybe you’ll end up assassinated and we’ll all know it was because IT WAS YOUR IDEA.

    And then 2 days later Obama or Hilton will be announcing the new $25.00 as a means to save the U.S. from plummeting into a depression.

    Y’know, just thinking out loud.

    OMSH’s last blog post..This is one time when I’d say sue ‘em for all their worth.

  110. Pingback: You win this round, neighborhood watch program. — TheBloggess.com

  111. I know this is a reeeeally old post, but I just had to tell you that the $25 bill thing is a great idea! So great in fact that they already have them in the Cayman Islands. They don’t have advertisements on them though, so your idea is still better.

  112. So, this is pretty crazy. My friend emailed me a link to this blog yesterday that I just for around to reading today. I didnt understand why he sent it, at first. Then I saw that there was a picture of us in the President’s Lounge on our way to Vegas for a bachelor party.
    I’m the guy in the middle. Apparently I look like Robert De Niro.
    I’ll have to hear the story of how he came across this four years later.
    I’ve got a pretty good xanax, drinking ,and flying story that happened to me on our return flight, but I’ll save that one for another day. 🙂
    Epic trip. Glad to hear you had one too.
    Awesome blog. Keep it up.

    -Tom

  113. Ha, how cool is that comment above?! Love life’s little surprises.
    I was just going to suggest that first class is a lot better to end the trip with than start it. That way you aren’t hung over for the rest of the holiday. Oh, and vomiting in the nice first class toilet is also not first class behaviour, and it doesn’t matter how much better the facilities are than the cattle class crapper, you still wish the plane would just hurry up and bloody crash already. Speaking from experience …

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