I will murder my husband this Wednesday

in conversations, Random Crap, rants

Phone conversation with my husband who is trying to destroy me:

Me: Can you watch Hailey this Wednesday?

Victor: Which Wednesday?

Me: This Wednesday.

Victor: ‘This’ Wednesday means the Wednesday of this week which has already passed. Did you mean next Wednesday?

Me: No.  I mean THIS Wednesday, like this coming Wednesday.  This very next Wednesday.

Victor: Yeah, that’s next Wednesday.  This Wednesday was four days ago and no, I can’t watch Hailey four days ago.

Me:  THIS wednesday implies that it’s the coming Wednesday.  Wednesday four days ago was THAT Wednesday.

Victor:  I think someone dropped you on your head when you were a kid.

Me:  If it happens this next Wednesday then you call it “next Wednesday”.

Victor: Exactly.

Me:  Dammit!  You’ve mixed me up! I meant you call it ‘THIS Wednesday’.  Gah!  Can you just fucking watch her this Wednesday?! 

Victor: Four days ago?

Me: * violently slamming the phone receiver on the desk *

Victor:  Hello?

Me (trying to sound calm):  Sorry.  Dropped the phone.  What exactly do I need to say to have you say ‘Yes’?

Victor:  “Next wednesday”.

 Me:  *Sigh*  Can you please watch Hailey…next Wednesday?

Victor: No.

Comment of the day:  I don’t understand how he lived this long. I killed my husband about a year ago for the same kind of conversation and now his stuffed body sits at his computer and agrees with me ALL THE TIME. MY MARRIAGE ROCKS! ~ Motherbumper

123 thoughts on “I will murder my husband this Wednesday”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. Semantics. I’ve had these conversations too and YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! STOP ARGUING WITH ME ALREADY!

    But really, Victor sounds like a peach.

    Headless Mom’s last blog post..Accomplished!

  7. Last Wednesday was LAST Wednesday! This Wednesday is the next scheduled Wednesday. As it is Sunday now, even his “logic” doesn’t work. That was a different week! I agree, kill the bum! Next time, fight about a day that isn’t has hard to spell! I always have to think Wed-nes-day to spell it correctly! Otherwise I spell it like it sounds, wendsday.

    Soon you’ll be in for the ever entertaining “couple vs. few” discussion. For the record, couple = 2, few = 3-6! Few can also be several if it’s more than 4. Now you have that in writing.

  9. Is it possible for someone to reach through the receiver and pull someone’s still-beating heart from their chest? Because that’s what I would have done.

  10. We have arguments that go more like

    Him: Where did you get that sauce/cereal/onion?

    Me: From the cupboard. Right there.

    Him: Really? I never knew.

    M: We’ve had it for 3 WEEKS now. It was sitting, right there in front of you.

    H: huh.

    Which explains why he spent the last 3 weeks using peanut sauce as BBQ sauce.

  11. You’re a nice wife. In my house I say, “Guess what you’re doing this Wednesday?” And then before he can open his smart mouth I say, “you’re going to actively parent your child!!!” And then I leave the room before he can argue.

    If he pulled the This Wednesday/Next Wednesday stuff with me…there would be arrests.

    I’m a gem to be married to.

    Heather’s last blog post..Oh…Second Base Means Boobies

  17. Oh my. My housemate and I argue about this exact same thing except gender roles are reversed.

    This wednesday is the one coming up and next wednesday is the one after. Its SIMPLE! Like them. Dumbasses

    Clint’s last blog post..Boy for hire…

  19. That’s a damn shame since I’m pretty sure you were planning to give him a blow job THIS Wednesday. Alas, tis passed.

  20. He is SO wrong. There is no past “this Weds.” There is only “last Weds.” or “next Weds.” (upcoming”) “this Weds.” (upcoming). It makes no difference WHAT calendar week we are in. Why? Because THAT WOULD BE IDIOTIC TO SAY “this Weds.” for a day that has PASSED.

    Suebob’s last blog post..Never Been Prouder

  25. long time lurker, first time commenter.
    I just had to comment because that is SO exactly a conversation I have with my husband just about every day. too funny 🙂

  31. Yep, couple= 2, as in 2.0, not 2.5 or 3. Few= more than two, but less than 6. Who doesn’t get that? Anyway, I agree with Jill Twipply, the correct way to speak of days of the week are “this coming” and “this past” name-your-day. That way, even the idiots who don’t understand “this” and “last” still understand what you mean.

  32. A “couple” is definitely 2 only. But the “few” thing is confusing. “A few” equals 3-6 but “Just a few” could mean as little as two. That’s why I prefer “several” for 3-6, “bunches for 7-10, “loads” for anything over 10 and “a shitload” for anything that involves live, loose chickens.

  34. OMG. I had an aneurysm reading that. I would’ve understood you AND watched Hailey 🙂

  35. You wanna trade husbands? Because this sounds so mild in comparison and I think I could deal. I’m sad, I was all fired up about pimping one of my favorite Father’s Day posts for Good Mom/Bad Mom – but without internets I can’t get to the link. I know.. please don’t cry. hugs. ps. if something happens to your husband, this post will look bad!

    holli’s last blog post..Lapdog, literally. [Flickr]

  36. Hilarious. Sometimes I get so mad at my hubby on the phone, i hang up and then pretend like we just got disconnected. you know, cell phones.

    the mama bird diaries’s last blog post..q + a

  39. Victor is retarded. He needs a helmet and a pass for the short bus.

    Then you need to make sure that you beat the hell out of him with a large stick. I would be happy to hold him down for being an effing moron.

    MommasTantrum’s last blog post..Blogiversary

  43. Want me to make room up the back of the garden for him babe?

    I might have to dig another whole, seeing my husband will be residing there right about Wednesday…

    Note to self: Buy more lime…

    Kelley’s last blog post..Tiny hands

  44. what never fails to amaze me is how fathers “watch” their kids, while the mother, well, she’s just, you know, THERE. LIVING. which automatically includes PARENTING. i’ve never heard a mom say, “ah, shit. can’t go to the game tonight, sorry. gotta WATCH the kids.”

    what the fuck? does Victor ask you to WATCH Hailey?

    babysitters WATCH kids. and in-laws.

    (and pedophiles, i guess, but i digress. and anyway, ew.)

    and not that you need me to tell you, but your use of “this” is correct and perfect and clear as the “spring” water we’ve been drinking from BPA laden bottles so surely we shall perish of a slow and dysmorphic condition. which HEY!

    Victor likes WATER, right? problem solved.

    you’re welcome.

  48. It’s lucky for him that you were on the phone so you couldn’t wrap the phone cord around his neck and pull it really tight. BUT, that would be difficult since it’s not 1985 and there aren’t phone cords anymore. Ooh! I know! I know! Take the antennae from the cordless phone and threaten to use in in vulgar, crude, torturous ways. Use technology to your benefit.

    AMomTwoBoys’s last blog post..Weekly Winners 6.1.08- Nautical Edition

  49. For the record, not all men are like this. Hell, I woulda whacked Victor with a frying pan. Then again I can be (but am rarely) violent and have a bit of a temper.

  50. No way. I’m totally with Victor on this one. It’s all about what week it is. This is basic common sense.

  53. At some point in these type of conversations I start throwing in dates…as in, “Will you fucking watch YOUR OWN CHILD on Wednesday the fucking 4th of June, Year of Our Holy Lord Jesus Christ 2008?”

    About the time I start bringing in the big J people know I’m a mite bit peeved. Also two f-bombs in the same sentence. Although that also might mean I’m drunk and about to start professing my love for the universe.

    markira’s last blog post..Sex with Peter

  55. A friend and I have this argument all of the time! It’s this Wednesday, but she’s also the one that when referring to going to Wal-Mart says “The Wal-Mart”, another sure discussion starter. 🙂

  58. That is freakin’ hilarious! I feel like I have conversations like that all the time with my husband.

  59. Yep; you’re right. That man needs killing. I’ll bring my old shoes.

    (This is why I’m divorced. Saves on legal fees. Avoids all that digging, too.)

    The phrase “this coming Wednesday” works, if you do decide not to kill him this time.

  60. Oh. My. God! That was so funny! I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had with my husband like that. I’m happy to know we’re not the only ones who are nuts!

    Christy’s last blog post..Weekend Round Up

  63. Damn it, Ajewtino! Now you’re forcing me to admit that this conversation actually happened on Friday rather than Sunday but I accidentally published the caulk post instead of this one so I had to wait until Sunday to post this post and then change the number of days so it made sense which technically it still should because Sunday is the last day of the week and not the first day of the next week in spite of what you may have heard.

    Oh my god, I’ve given myself an aneurysm.

  64. So then it’s settled…Victor and Ryan shouldn’t be in the same room together. Their “I’m the shiz” attitudes would join forces to create a firestorm of arrogance that would manifest itself into a 50-foot-tall Tom Cruise/Russell Crowe hybrid who would destroy everything in its path and then tell you why its right.

    The Introvert’s last blog post..funeral

  67. I can’t believe I’m about to betray you like this… but… I agree with Victor. If it’s on Sunday, then “this Wednesday” definitely describes the next Wednesday on the calendar.

    *ducks from bricks which will inevitably be thrown*

    ali’s last blog post..To sleep, perchance to freak the $#@% out

  68. I don’t understand how he lived this long. I killed my husband about a year ago for the same kind of conversation and now his stuffed body sits at his computer and agrees with me ALL THE TIME. MY MARRIAGE ROCKS!

    motherbumper’s last blog post..such a knob

  71. I have to agree with ya. If you’ve already passed Wednesday then the very next Wednesday is “this Wednesday.” And that constitutes the greatest number of Wednesdays I’ve ever used in a sentence.

  73. Don’t even get me started when the movie “Friday After Next” came out. I was so confused. The syntax of that line made my head want to (willingly) explode.

    See, I thought they were talking about when the movie was coming out. And Mike was all, “it’s the sequel to “Friday”, dumbass.”

    jen from boston’s last blog post..London Calling

  74. “This Wednesday” refers to the closest Wednesday to the present time. Whether it’s 2 or 6 days from now is a moot point. Though the use of “this coming Wednesday” certainly helps clarify for those people who think “this” really refers to “past” and can help cut down on superfluous holes in backyards.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..LOST S4ep13

  78. What time is his wake and funeral? And more importantly, will there be a party afterwards?

  79. Ok I normally don’t comment but I can let this one go. The conversation we had was on a Thursday morning so “this Wednesday” was the day prior as it is in the same week. Next Wednesday would have been the next Wednesday.

  81. jean says:
    June 2nd, 2008 at 11:02 am
    What time is his wake and funeral? And more importantly, will there be a party afterwards?

    The real question is will his funeral be this Wednesday or next Wednesday? Oh, and your first mistake was asking him, not telling him.

  83. Sorry V… “this” never refers to something in the past… much in the same way “that” refers to what I just said, which is now in the past. Because if I was referring to something I am now saying or will come in the future – I would say “this”, but “that” has already been said. Am I making myself clear?

  87. I have these conversations with my SO and it makes me want to beat my head on the wall. He is so damn stubborn and convinced he is always right. NO. MATTER. WHAT.

  89. TXmommy, so if on Wednesday I say I am doing a big project “this week” that began on Monday that would not be correct since that began in the past? Sorry your logic is not correct in all instances. Therefore anything you say must be wrong.
    However if I said “this” blog has some comments from people who are retarded it works perfectly. 🙂

  91. OMG! It is sooooo this Wednesday! I’ve got your back my friend. I just use dates now when talking to my husband. Try it…it just might save your sanity.

    Tracey’s last blog post..Warning: This is Rude!

  92. Somebody may have dropped you on your head (I don’t believe anybody else has addressed that), you are right in your usage, but 31 years of marriage has taught me that it is best to use specific days and dates (including 4-digit years) in this type of conversation.

  93. The root of the problem lies in the ideological differences between people who believe that Sunday is the beginning of the week and those who think that the week begins with Monday. The nitpicking over “This Wednesday” is an outgrowth of that same problem. If something is in front of you and you gesture in its direction you say “this”. If it is behind you, like an odd looking cow your car has driven past, you would say “that”. Even if it is not a cow. Perhaps Victor is from another country?

    apathy lounge’s last blog post..Pardon My Ennui

  94. Oh, I love having that argument. It’s a mans way of getting you totally frustrated before just saying no, which they could have just said in the first place!
    If I might suggest instead of asking “Can you watch Hailey this Wednesday?” just say “You’re watching Hailey on Wednesday.”

    Takes the wind right out of their sails! LOL

    Casuallyeclectic’s last blog post..Foot-in-mouth disease

  95. Ask him if he wants to have sex THIS evening. see if he understands you then.

  98. You are right. He is wrong. (I am an English major so I know these things.) What an annoying conversation to have and then have it end in still no one to watch the kid!

    Barb @ getupandplay’s last blog post..Best kiss ever

  100. Who cares whether it was “this” “next” or “in two weeks”? The correct answer to “Can you watch Hailey…” (at any time) is YES!

  105. “This” is proximal. So whatever Wednesday is closest would be “this” Wednesday. Now, if your conversation HAD happened on the Sunday (as you originally misled us to believe in your original post to cover your faulty logic), you would be absolutely correct. But since then, we have discovered your oh-so-convenient rearrangement of the facts. Leaving aside your propensity for skewing the story in your favour, now that we all have the larger picture, it is clear that your husband was right. And more importantly: you were (say it with me now) … W-R-O-N-G.

    You’re welcome.

    Nils’s last blog post..“Hurray. Hurray! The First of May! Outside screwing starts today!”

  106. “This” is proximal. So whatever Wednesday is closest would be “this” Wednesday. Now, if your conversation HAD happened on the Sunday (as you originally misled us to believe in your original post to cover your faulty logic), you would be absolutely correct. But since then, we have discovered your oh-so-convenient rearrangement of the facts. Leaving aside your propensity for skewing the story in your favour, now that we all have the larger picture, it is clear that your husband was right. And more importantly: you were (say it with me now) … W-R-O-N-G.

    You’re welcome.

  108. Yes Nils, but since you posted your response twice it nulls itself which means I’m still right. I’m shocked you don’t know these rules. It’s as if you’ve never argued with a woman before.

  115. We prefer the ground vs. floor argument. I’ve been informed that it isn’t floor if it’s outside- it’s the ground. Gah.

    Someday my divorce papers will say, “Constantly mocks perfectly acceptable verbage.” If I get a female judge she will totally understand.

    jenk’s last blog post..Small Town Politics

  116. Oh my god! This is hysterical!!

    I do not agree with your murdered husband, for the record.

    Post a poll. I can’t read through all the comments, and now I’m curious as to how many people have this all effed up…

    Danielle’s last blog post..Happy 2nd Birthday My Cannon-ball

  117. Are you sure you weren’t in my house when this convo went down!? Holy shit… this is exactly the kind of thing that my husband does! Thank god I’m not alone… !!!
    Thanks for the laugh tonight…
    Best,
    Audrey

  118. totally consider myself a christ follower….and i freaking love your site!! maybe that’s why i scare some people…hmmmmm.

  121. OhMiGosh! Were you a fly on the wall in the bedroom? Excet my kid is not named Hailey and it wasn’t about watching the kiddo, but ANYWAY, I end up in one of the maddening coversations about every two weeks. I feel for you Jenny!

  123. THIS IS HYSTERICAL!

    You are (naturally) right of course and Victor is just trying to give you ammunition for your blog, bless him.

    Now you just need to work out whether to bury him in the front yard or the back yard.

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