FatSuck 2008!

in Good Mom/Bad Mom...why aren't you reading it now?, terrible titles, why the terrorists hate us

So this week I got my fat sucked out of me.  For real.  It’s totally as disgusting as it sounds and you should go and read it now because I’m not sure I can actually call someone a bitch on the Houston Chronicle so this might be my last post there ever.  I’m reasonably sure they regret ever having offered me a blog and would probably withhold my paycheck if I had ever actually gotten one from them.

Comments are open here as well just in case you can’t manage to leave a comment without saying “c0cksucker”.  God knows I can’t.

Comment of the day: I always thought the pubic mounds were where the Crab Indians buried their ancient ancestors…  ~Spamboy

76 thoughts on “FatSuck 2008!”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Good for you! Tell us if it makes you lumpy or does something weird. That’s what always happens in ALLURE, VOGUE, and ELLE, and if it’s there then it’s true. Obviously. Fashion magazines are like the bible, but without God, Jesus, and good clothes.

  6. Jenny. The women whose psychological set requires these procedures are also extremely secretive about these procedures.

    Fat reducing procedures and secrecy go hand-in-hand.

    You just posted an article about it (with pics) in the Houston Chronicle. You are unfathomable. I am saying this straight. You. Are. Unfathomable.

    Black Hockey Jesus’s last blog post..Dooce Backflipping Challenge

  8. I don’t have any words for this…except you know, I need to know if it actually works, how many sessions and if it’s worth whatever it costs. And where the hell do I find a place that offers it…also kind of horrified.

    Kristine’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Summer Edition

  10. You do know you’re insane, right?

    If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, Jenny.

  14. Oh, sweet Jesus. I could read that only through my fingers, because it is very gagging. Insert cocksucking reference here, if you must.

    Marinka’s last blog post..Light in August?

  15. OK, judging by the full-body photo you so graciously provided, I don’t see what all the fuss is about!! What are you, like a size 6? You look great sister!

    HeatherPride’s last blog post..Meet My Killer

  18. I find it hilarious that you can use the word “pubic mound” on Good Mom/Bad Mom, but not some others. (Okay, cocksucker is a bad expample.) This is very much how, when our local CW channel syndicates South Park or Family Guy, they have no issue with showing violence and blood, but throw in one little “God damn” and NO WAY, THAT CAN’T BE THERE.

    ali’s last blog post..Yet another query

  22. You know, I just recently found out there is an acronym for the pubic mound thing, from Kirida’s page: FUPA

    I just about caught bulima when I looked it up.

    anne nahm’s last blog post..Lime Curd of Denial

  24. To tell ya the truth, when I began reading it I thought I WAS at The Bloggess! You DO like to push the envelope, don’t cha?

    You get away with murder, kiddo…;)

    Robin’s last blog post..Reflections and Majesty

  26. That is just all kinds of wrong. It had better work or that would really suck.

    I get the Chron. before you in my reader-You really published that there?! I’m in shock, but not too much ‘cuz I know you.

    The funny thing is, I just want to comment so I can say cocksucker. It’s not often that I can get away with that.

    Headless Mom’s last blog post..July 4, 2007

  28. “Me: Holy crap, you’re pushing it down, aren’t you? I’m going to end up with a giant pubic mound aren’t I?!

    Fat-sucker: *utterly speechless*”

    And here, I stupidly thought that sentence was going to say, “…end up with a giant ankle.”

    hahahahahahahhah

    Ree’s last blog post..WW – Roy G Biv

  33. That would be the funniest thing I’ve read in forever except that I so don’t think that you should let anyone do that to your perfect body ever, ever again. Pinky swear?

    I’m with Ree, I thought ‘thigh’ and then fell of my chair laughing at ‘pubic mound.’

    anymommy’s last blog post..A Whale of a Tale(s) of My Traveling Past

  34. Oops. I forgot I was on the NEWSPAPER comments thing and used an EXPLETIVE so it will definitely get flushed.

    Ribbed and re-posted for your pleasure:

    Dude. THAT? Is fucking nuts. In the future please consult with me first for lots of ego-boosting compliments so as to deter you from such bruisy, hurty looking nonsense. You’re perfect just as you WERE.

    /lecture

    Izzy’s last blog post..The Seven Minute Itch

  37. If I was going to BlogHer, you could save yourself some dough, because all you’d have to do is stand next to pregnant me, and you’d look like a size 4 (instead of the size 6 you obviously are — you cocksucker).

    See, now, ordinarily I would have used “bitch” in that there parenthetical, but you challenged me. I had to do it.

    Deb (Missives From Suburbia)’s last blog post..Cleaning Up My Act

  40. As cool as it is that the Fatsucker 8000 breaks the fat down to Pee-able Toxins (now that’s a great band name), it would have been much cooler if the device really did just move the fat around. A highly-skilled Fat-Sqwoosher could make quite a tidy sum serving the Corvette-driving male demographic eager for a treatment that would undoubtedly come to be known as “the Tommy Lee” (when successfully applied) or “the circus freak” (when not).

  42. Jumpin’ Jeebus Jenny! Those photos looks like you were getting fatsucked by a gdmn Giant Squid! Or maybe runover by a dwarf (midget) driving freaking’ Bigfoot.

    Seriously, I think I’ll just keep my spare tire.

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..Can we fix? SHOULD we fix?

  45. Do you really (Comment 43) have a reader named The Laundress? Maybe Hailey’s imagination wasn’t running wild after all!

  47. I can’t leave a comment without ‘fucking’ in it so I will get it out of my system here, go and yell at the bunneh and then pop on over to see your fat suckage…

    Kelley’s last blog post..Mosh!

  49. Gawd you are brave! I’ve been wondering about this, but think I may just stop eating instead! 😉

  50. Niiiiice, Jenny! Reminds me of the time I went to a chinese medicine practitioner and she made my back look like I’d been beaten by bamboo canes for DAYS. Then she set my hair on fire. I paid her, too.

    M’s last blog post..Better Than Perfume!

  54. If I may be serious for just a moment (picture Jerry Lewis at the 22nd hour without sleep, adjusting his glasses), I just wanna say that I’m pretty sure you are the funniest person alive. And while I would echo the sentiments of others who have said you are a totally hot babe and you don’t need to undergo these kinds of painful and unnecessary procedures, they sure do make for great comedic blog material.

    (Me, I soiled myself at the “prom night” part.)

  56. Pingback: Thursday 13: Thirteen great posts by other bloggers « Fear & Parenting in Las Vegas

  59. You pee it out? I suppose then you need the plunger near by?

    Speaking of a pale, fat hidden stomach…who’s got a tan line that starts at the ankles, stops at the knees and then starts again at the hand to the mid-upper arm and finishes with a crew neckline.

    Practically a contractor tan for the desk worker.

    Janet’s last blog post..Do you apologize for the mess in your house?

  64. Holy Fat Smoosher Batman – that looks painful – are you allowed to show up for future appointments shit-faced drunk, ‘cuz, DAMN!

    I love the questions you fired at the smoosher-chick as she was smooshing – they were exactly the kind of questions I would have asked, only maybe a little funnier (though if I could do it drunk, I would be VERY funny).

    All this to hang out in the ladies room at Blogher…are the stalls really tiny or something?

    we_be_toys’s last blog post..“Everybody’s bill gonna come due”

  68. I tried to respond to another blog on the Chronicle, and in my response I used the c-word. But I asterisked all the letters but the c! This was not allowed and my response was DENIED. So, cunt cunt cocksucker cunt. Now I feel better. Thanks, Jenny.

  69. Honestly, dear Bloggess, if you ever again decide you want a full-body hickey … well, you know how to reach me.

  76. LOL…I just came over from AllMediocre…
    Funny stuff…do you engage those conversations because you know he will get all “technical” on you?? I just never imagined having a conversation with my dh that would get that involved in something like zombies…funny funny

    Dawn’s last blog post..Just what I needed to hear…and I want FREE stuff

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