This is the third post I’ve written today and I want a medal (alternate title – How to deal with trolls)

Yesterday someone asked me how to deal with trolls and haters. I have no damn idea. 

Trolls are just like you and me.  Only shittier.  Or more honest.  Or likely to murder gypsies.  Fuck, I don’t know.  I’m not a mind reader.  I don’t know the motivation of everyone reading your blog but what I do know is that in real life you come across assholes and weirdos and someone out there is selling computers to these people.  People like the guy who left me this comment:

“I was right, you aren’t that hot. Damn.”

I didn’t mind that some stranger thought I was un-hot but what was disconcerting was that in the photo the guy was referring to? I was seven.  And totally hot.

Or that comment I got on my I-invented-a-scooter/flame-thrower/cookie-warmer post which simply said:

“Your retarded.”

Holy shit, y’all.  “Your.”  This is a real fucking comment.  I laughed so hard I woke up the dog.  Who’s been dead for 4 years.  That’s not to say that it doesn’t suck when people write shitty things about you because it does.  Like recently I accidentally fell into a shitstorm and I was all “PEOPLE ARE WRITING HORRIBLE THINGS ABOUT ME!” and my friend Karen was like “O-o-oh.  You mean the stupid people.  You’re supposed to ignore those people.  Because they’re stupid.”  And I did.  And it was fine.  But when it’s happening it’s not quite so easy to just ignore it and then you get sucked into the everyone hates me/I’m not popular/I never get any comments shame spiral and that’s why I created these cards for people who are dealing with this kind of crap:

 

 

 

Meh.  They’re not all gonna be winners. 

I guess what I’m saying is that trolls can actually be a good thing.  Yes, they’re evil but they’re also entertaining.  That’s why they’re in so many children’s books.  I mean, that Billy Goat Gruff story would be pretty boring if it was about a kindly old homeless dude under the bridge who gave out Jolly Ranchers and compliments to the billy goats.  I wouldn’t read it.  Look, I don’t know why trolls are the way they are.  Maybe they’re bullies who never grew up.  Maybe they were picked on in high school and think this will even the score.  Maybe they’re right and you actually are the anti-Christ.  I don’t know.  But what I do know is that in a way trolls are kinda good for everyone.  Except goats.

PS.  If you are still depressed about getting nasty comments you should email me and I will tell you that whoever is fucking with you is a lunatic.  And also you should watch this.  Because it’s awesome.

Comment of the day: You are totally hot in that picture. Pa would be able to put his hands around your tiny waist for sure (remember how in Little House on The Prairie Laura was ALWAYS FREAKING TALKING ABOUT HOW SMALL HER MOM’S WAIST WAS GET OVER IT ALREADY YOU ANOREXIC-WANNABE PRAIRIE PSYCHO?…. ahem. I have some unresolved issues there. Also I typed “Hose” instead of “House” and that was funny, because I am a 12-year-old boy.*) 

*not really. 12 or a boy, I mean. It was really funny ~ Superblondgirl

301 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I now know that you can not assist me with trolls and haters. But, can you assist me in how to deal with lazy coworkers?

    I know you are not watching but either the wall behind McCain is changing colors or I am having a flashback.

    Jeremy Martin’s last blog post..Mental strangulation….

  2. I swear I’m gonna pinch two of those banners and send them to my own personal troll who finds endless ways to leave nasty comments on the blog, despite banning IP after IP.

    Trolls suck. So do mean people. Unfortunately I attract them like trailer parks attract those who need a better dental plan.

    Shit, that last sentence probably earned me some wicked-bad karma.

    Auds’s last blog post..A Different Kind of Angel

  3. OK it was flashbacks…my apologies.

  4. (((((insert metal here))))))
    people are just haters because they don’t get a box of tranny bits from lgo.
    chuck help them all.

    britt’s last blog post..bitchfest!!

  5. Affirmation Girl is kind of freaking me out.

    -R-’s last blog post..We’re Coming To America

  6. Those are the best cards ever.I need one for the troll that calls my 3 year old a slut because she wore a bikini.

    Amanda’s last blog post..Someday

  7. I had some loser person ask me if I lived in a tent, I was all like weirded out for days because my kid sleeps in a tent and I was like whoa donkey the comment troll is also psychic or video taping my house and watching my kids and dogs and HOLY SHIT!

    insane mama’s last blog post..Sassy little liar

  8. I love the cards. I don’t have to deal with haters, but I think my delete finger would get all twitchy if I had to.

    Nic’s last blog post..Okay.

  9. Um, Jenny? Ixnay on the Emingwayhay.

    (he sort of shot himself)

    Sorry to harsh your buzz, man.

  10. ….and Amanda? Who is that person??
    I TOTALLY WANT TO KICK THEM IN THE NUTS OR SCRAMBLE KNEECAPS. SOMETHING!!

  11. Fuck trolls. They’re ugly and short.

    P.S. I really wish my sound would stop giving me shit. I can’t hear the video, but the facial expressions, nose scrunching, and eye widening were totally entertaining.)

    Wendy’s last blog post..More Glimpses of Tripp

  12. TROLLS fucking rock.

    I was obsessed with those crazy troll dolls when I was a kid.

    Hemmingway shot himself? Really? Should have read more books instead of playing with trolls.

    Alaina, Ms. Single Mama.com’s last blog post..Single Mamas for Obama

  13. Thanks–this post actually made me feel better. I was having a low self esteem blog day, but it’s nice to know every blogger has those days…

    gingela5′s last blog post..Bitterness Brings Out My Good Side…

  14. Oh and the Hemingway sticker made me laugh–OUT LOUD no less…

    gingela5′s last blog post..Bitterness Brings Out My Good Side…

  15. I’m really enjoying your blog, but I have to say I’m pretty sure that Hemingway died drunk and alone. But other than that . . .

    Jane @ What About Mom’s last blog post..I feel so horribly betrayed

  16. If it’s not an extra leg, and it’s not a trunk, what is i—

    Oh.

    Ew.

    bejewell’s last blog post..A Conversation with Myself from Five Years Ago – The Beginning

  17. Maybe you should just stick a wand up their nose like Harry Potter did. That’ll show those trolls. Here’s a big piece of wood up nose. How do you like that!? And then you say, “incendio” and shoot fire at their brains. Then they’ll be sad and turn into zombies. Then what will you do, Jenny? What?

    Woodlandmama’s last blog post..Fun Monday 9/8/08

  18. Ok, so don’t take this wrong and I totally think you are so hot & funny, but seriously Jenny, that pic of you at 7…did you grow up on a “ranch” (er, commune) with one dad and 10 moms? Oh wait…my bad…if so, you would have been wearing all gray..definately not red!

  19. I came via twitter. I didn’t want you to feel like shit about yourself because nobody else was reading your post while John McCain was wheezing speaking. But my motto when it comes to politics is “Just because I’m uninformed doesn’t mean you shouldn’t listen to my opinion” and in order to stay true to my credo, I spend most of my time ignoring relevant political information. I’m sorry, what is this post about again? Oh, yeah, trolls. Haven’t had one yet but I did get called out in a comment (I think) by someone calling me a “bluddy cuntt” because I pasted my head on top of a picture of a buddha which is apparently a really important Hindu god, but of course I didn’t know that that when I found it on Google Image Search.

    Um, carry on, then.

    manager mom’s last blog post..Dear Keanu,

  20. I had the pleasure of getting my first not-that-troll-y comment from an anonymous Jen who said she was deleting the bookmark to my blog, but then! she kept reading anyway. So I called her out, and she responded, and then all my commenters started to like her more than me. So I killed them all and started over.

    Tamara’s last blog post..Doing the wave, singing the song, eating the dogs

  21. My second comment ever was a guy telling me in bad English that something was beautiful, he would see me tomorrow and giving me his cell #…delete!! Thankfully he never commented again-creepy.

    Love your cards, too funny!

    Steph @ Problem Solvin Mom’s last blog post..Keeping Memories Alive

  22. What the – I just finished commenting on your last one and you post another? What am I, a machine??

    The Introvert’s last blog post..taxicab confessions

  23. Yes. The 3 Billy Goats Gruff was my favorite story as a child. I cannot imagine that without a troll.

    My other favorite: the one where the big bad wolf ate the lambs, and then took a nap. Their momma heard them crying from inside his tummy, so she cut him open while he slept, took her babies out, replaced them with really heavy rocks, sewed him back shut, and when he awoke and was thirsty, he leaned over the river to drink and FELL IN AND DROWNED.

    I kid you not.

    Shades’s last blog post..Not Really Anything Much to Say…

  24. I would probably get my feelings if people said mean things to me in my comments section. Especially since I have to let a post ride for a good five days before comments trickle and stop at 30 or 35. So yeah…ugly words would definitely stick out then. I think if I was one of those mega-bloggers it might not sting quite so much. Maybe. I’m guessing.

    apathy lounge’s last blog post..These Are The Times That Try Men’s (and Women’s) Souls–Thomas Paine

  25. you are truly amazing.

    perksofbeingme’s last blog post..A reminder

  26. P.S. I don’t get trolls on my blog…because no one reads it. I win?

  27. I am pretty sure Hemingway was/would have been way too drunk to care about trolls. I am sure that if he was a blogger, he’d be the kind that lets comments rack up for weeks and then mass-approves every one together, trolls, spam and all.

    Also, I bet he’d have interesting Twitter conversations with F. Scott Fitzgerald.

    Jessica’s last blog post..Just another day at the office

  28. Well, I think you’re hot. And I would totally buy all of those cards. Plus you’re the one of the funniest bitches I’ve ever read!

    Jill (CDJ)’s last blog post..When Good Sisters Go Bad

  29. 29
    Sam (The Edge OF Insanity)

    The only troll I’ve ever had was a family member. ‘Nuff said.

    Sam (The Edge OF Insanity)’s last blog post..“Sam, Do You Want To Play?”

  30. Way to get positive bloggess. I’m right with you. And hey, shout out to all you trolls. We actually trolls on the playground. It makes things more magical and interesting.

    Whoever inventing the saying if you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all, was probably a mute, with a keen knowledge of psychology, and a desire to fit in.

    laurieofthesevenstories’s last blog post..Um apparently being born to a teenage mom does not ruin your life (cough, Barack Obama,cough)

  31. I love you people. Seriously. I’m laughing out loud and I really don’t laugh out loud. Except for the whole Hemingway shooting himself part. That was not so funny. Except in a kind of ironic way. Has enough time passed that we can ironically laugh about Hemingway’s suicide? I say yes.

    Also, that picture is totally me. My mom sewed that outfit for me for “Rodeo Day”. I recently found out that most people don’t even have “Rodeo Day” at their school and also don’t groom bunnies or castrate bulls in school. Which is weird. I mean you guys are weird. Not me. Castrating bulls is totally fine. Good for them, even.

    *sigh*

    Never mind.

  32. Trolls suck! And Hemingway did shoot himself.
    Which also sucks.

    This post still made laugh out loud. Even distracted the toddler from his cartoons.:)

    Susan’s last blog post..Mr. Independent

  33. Also, here’s your award. (you should enable images in your comments-although I imagine that would only feed the trolls)

    Jessica’s last blog post..Just another day at the office

  34. Finally, an advantage to not getting comments. I feel better already.

    Anyabeth’s last blog post..Not Won Over

  35. Seven year old me would have totally hit on seven year old you. Even if you were the anti-Christ. Especially if you were the anti-Christ.

    Captain Dumbass’s last blog post..And The Heaven’s Parted…

  36. We had “Go Texan Day” but I’ve never been that close to a bull’s balls, much less with any sharp objects.

    Am I crossing over into troll territory with three comments in about 5 minutes? Perhaps.

    Jessica’s last blog post..Just another day at the office

  37. This is really embarrassing, but my husband just informed me that you didn’t mean the little furry guys who ask questions for tolls across a bridge. I was all, they have trolls in Houston?? Sad, really.

  38. That video was awesome, and my favorite banner by far is the seesaw one.

    Aimee Greeblemonkey’s last blog post..The Video Game Conundrum

  39. When I was a kid I spent a handful of years in Oklahoma, and we did Sooner Day.

    They gave us each a numbered stake, turned us out in a cowfield and fired a starter pistol so that we would run all willy-nilly to stake out our piece of the landpie. It’s amazing how nobody ever stumbled and put one of those stakes through their face. There were lots and lots of gopher holes.

    Thees ess how we haf teh funses.

    But I got to rock a bonnet much like yours and a Holly Hobbie (Hobby? wtf.) pinafore. I was PROUD of that bonnet, much as you must have been of yours. The damned apron was hard to manage, though.

    Pinafore+gopher holes=you people have no idea how lucky I am to be alive and with all organs intact

  40. a friend just told me about your blog. I have never laughed aloud so much in public in my life! I spent the afternoon waiting in line at my grad school reading on my iPod touch. I was laughing so hard that people were giving me dirty looks because they were jealous that I was having such a great time waiting ten hours only to be told that they no longer sign deferment apps. Thanks!!!!!! Your blog fucking rules!

  41. With each post you write I love you just a little bit more which I guess makes me the opposite of a troll. Which is a total syncophant stalker creepy reader. Which is okay unless you’re looking for someone to make a doll out of you. Which I am. Hm.

    Well, I still love your blog.

  42. Well, you really AREN’T that hot are you? I mean compared to Cindy and Sarah?
    But you have somebody that loves you. So I should just buzz off.
    zzzzzzzzz.

  43. The seesaw one made me laugh out loud. I am remembering that for the next time someone I love has a bad day.

    Plus, you are totally hot in that picture. Pa would be able to put his hands around your tiny waist for sure (remember how in Little House on The Prairie Laura was ALWAYS FREAKING TALKING ABOUT HOW SMALL HER MOM’S WAIST WAS GET OVER IT ALREADY YOU ANOREXIC-WANNABE PRAIRIE PSYCHO?…. ahem. I have some unresolved issues there. Also I typed “Hose” instead of “House” and that was funny, because I am a 12-year-old boy.*)

    *not really. 12 or a boy, I mean. It was really funny.

    superblondgirl’s last blog post..Thought Process During Savasana

  44. i love trolls. they make this HOLE BLAWG THANG interesting in a stupid pathetic way.

    Karen Sugarpants’s last blog post..As If They’ll Care

  45. I’m pretty sure it’s been long enough that we can laugh about Hemingway shooting himself.

    blissfully caffeinated’s last blog post..Who Let Rove Out Of The Basement?

  46. yes i know i spelled hole wrong. unless i was talking about my own hole. anyway….

    Karen Sugarpants’s last blog post..As If They’ll Care

  47. The cool thing about trolls is that if you put them in the microwave they explode.

    Oh no wait…that’s babies kittens hot dogs.

    The cool thing about trolls is hot dogs.

    That’s what we call “commenting genius” in the biz. True story.

    Kurt’s last blog post..Random Friday Blog

  48. You know you are my hero, right? Anyone with a vodka pantry is pretty high in my book. (Wait, did I just pun?) And, I can’t even get trolls. Except at bars. Those trolls like me. But not the cool internet kind. And the people who hate me don’t even care enough to take the time to jump through the Blogger hoops to post something bitter. Sigh. I thought for sure my Palin posts would do it. Oh, well.

    I’m hoisting my martini to you, awesomeness. Merde. I just spilled a little. What a waste.

    Cheers!

    Raising my martini to you, Jenny!

    SAM’s last blog post..I’m Just Going to Say It

  49. Jenny: You’re wonderful, thanks for sharing your vlogs, you totally made my day.

    syd’s last blog post..this i believe

  50. I say haters are a sign of your true popularity. If people actually hate you, then you are doing the right thing. As Kat Williams would say ” you need to get more haters by the end of the summer” or something like that.

    I love seeing haters, I dont read their emails but I love it!

    Dr. WRight
    The Wright Place TV Show
    http://www.wrightplacetv.com

  51. You make me want to get the children off to bed so I can start cursing. I’m watching the youtube video right now, and I was thinking, wow this really sucks and then it hit the two minute mark and it turned totally awesome (especially the part about shitting on her vagina).

    Thanks Bloggess.

    Writer Dad’s last blog post..I Heart DVD’s

  52. I LOVE those cards! I totally want to steal the first one. And use it. A lot.

    Michelle Potter’s last blog post..Sarah Pain for President… uh, I mean VP

  53. The bird banner got me into that silent laugh. Tears are streaming.

    I may or may not be sleep-deprived, but that is irrelevant.

    Angella’s last blog post..I Am Slowly Going Crazy, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7

  54. I-invented-a-scooter/flame-thrower/cookie-warmer

    I personally think that many devices would be greatly improved with the addition of a cookie warmer pocket.

    Steve’s last blog post..Sharks Like Ice Cream

  55. Do you think you can make me one for all the people that have tried to degrade me in the last couple days after I let it out of the bag that I’m a republican?
    I love the cards, I want one!!!!
    stupid trolls.

    Kelsey’s last blog post..I can only laugh at myself

  56. “We would stab those fuckers in the genitals.”

    OMG. That really hit the spot. LOL

    anna’s last blog post..Turns Out This Site is Way More Popular and Has Way More Political Clout Than I Had Realized . . .

  57. You have to be at least SORTA popular to have trolls, which is what I view as the positive side of things. That, and anyone who hates me is obviously mentally incapable. OBVIOUSLY.

    Miss Grace’s last blog post..Conversations for which I didn’t plan

  58. Well, some people don’t get any comments at all, so I think you are ahead of the game!

    yes, you are hot. yes, you are hilarious.

    So those haters can all go fizzuck themselves!

    Petra’s last blog post..I’m a WHAT?

  59. Those cards are awesome and so are you.

    Zandor’s last blog post..Twitter

  60. totally love the seesaw one too! you making that into a t-shirt by any chance?

    i love when a troll can’t spell or use grammar and junk and then gets all “your stoopid” and shit. those are my favorite ones to read.

    i’ve tried to go, er, trolling for trolls and got jack. i’ve even tried picking fights with mac fanboys and nothing! so take your trolls as a sign of uber-success. and if there are any apple fanboys or criss angel groupies, feel free to stop my shithole of a blog. please? anybody?

    SEO Hack’s last blog post..3M Corporation Bankrupt?

  61. Adults are not the only haters with bad grammar. My sister, the high school teacher, asked her sophmores to write a report about frogs. One of the papers she recieved had one single line that read,”Frog r stupit”.

  62. Lovin’ you…is easy cuz your beautiful

    -Minnie Ripperton

    qt’s last blog post..Wednesday Obsessions: This Just In

  63. oh, and what petra said – you got it all! and what kind of sick fuck gets off on seven year old prairie girls? hate to shake his hand after a Little House on the Prairie marathon on the Hallmark Channel . . . .

    SEO Hack’s last blog post..3M Corporation Bankrupt?

  64. Jenny

    the hemingway sticker is brillers. Now, about the troll smack down. There happens to be a Canadian food critic for a large Canadian newspaper who likes to come to my site regularly and leave troll shits all over the place.

    Take care of it will you?

    Thanks love.

    Redneck Mommy’s last blog post..Middle School Madness

  65. when i got my first and only meanie people, i thought “hey maybe i’m popular” and then i realized it came from within an extended part of my life that i married in to.

    try and remember that the mean troll people spewing on your blog has everything to do with them, and definitely not you. they are projecting their stuff out into the universe.

    i’ve been wondering if it might be time to start up some blogger gangs.

    piglet’s last blog post..i maybe said too much here

  66. Why don’t you shut up and show us your –

    Honestly, I’m wiping tears from my eyes.

    The cards were excellent.

    Clayjack’s last blog post..Tattoos and Toe Rings

  67. p.s. personally, i’m HAPPY you’ve written three posts. we can’t get enough of our bloggess :)

    piglet’s last blog post..i maybe said too much here

  68. That scooter/flame thrower is why I read you every.damn.day. Eff the trolls-Jenny for Prez!

    Headless Mom’s last blog post..The Fog Has Got Me

  69. From now on, I’m sending my trolls to you…they’re out in abundance lately. It’s always this bitch named anonymous.

    Mrs. G.’s last blog post..Derfy Updates

  70. You TOTALLY were hot. And polygamist.

    X’s last blog post..Fender Benders Make Me Responsible

  71. OMG still inside laughing from the affirmation girl video! I must post that on my blog!

    Bad comments? At least you get some and thanks for leaving comments on my blog!

    imelda’s last blog post..Edited with Picnik – so many options! [Flickr]

  72. “Your retarded” – oh, oh my.

    I’m laughing now, but that’s probably from the xanax cocktail I took a half hour ago. Usually I want to take the you/you’re and their/there/they’re and to/too people, ask them to come closer and punch them in the neck.

    YOU’RE awesome!

  73. Affirmation Girl scares me…

    Alex Fayle | Someday Syndrome’s last blog post..Practicing Flexibility to Remain Steady – Full Text Answers

  74. What’s so bad about being a troll? I like to read mommy blogs just so I can tell those bitches to quit whinin cuz they CHOSE to have children.

    Anne’s last blog post..The Whole Year Inn

  75. That’s actually not true, Anne. I happen to know at least one mommy blogger who did not *choose* to have a baby. She just didn’t realize she was pregnant because she was kind of an alcoholic and she thought she was just getting fat. And she had a lot of unprotected sex. Like, a LOT. But she didn’t *choose* to have the baby. It just happened. In her car on the way to her dealers house. So, you know, maybe don’t judge so quickly next time.

  76. affirmation girl sort of gives me the creeps. kind of like blog porn. do you think that the whole comment thing is reminiscent of the cool table in the cafeteria?

    great cards.

    amyz5′s last blog post..Yesternight

  77. i am TOTALLY into the one with stabbing the haters in their genitals. that fucking cracked me up. this whole post cracked me up. thanks for being such a shit stirrer at blogher so i could find out about you and love you.

    jennster’s last blog post..ster-olitics

  78. Those cards totally made my day!

    Ginger’s last blog post..I need a mentor

  79. I will trade you 15 spammers a day for one troll. I can handle trolls. Spammers make my ears bleed.

    Namaste.

    Phil’s last blog post..Going for the clean sweep

  80. Get akismet.

    “Akismet has caught 19,441 spam comments for you since you first installed it.”

    I’d quit blogging without it.

  81. Okay, once you were vaguely freaked out by my “It’s okay, Sylvia Plath was crazy too, and everything turned out okay for her” post title.

    We are so even now.

    ali’s last blog post..Linkage: “Feminist” role models in film

  82. Also, I don’t think Hailey is your daughter: I think she’s your clone.

  83. Sweet Chuck! I will pay you cash money RIGHT NOW for a set of each of those cards. Particularly the stabby genitals one, which is so perfect I am without words!

    The words preceding that declaration that I am without words brand me a liar, of course, but eh.

    Seriously. CASH MONEY!

    foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)’s last blog post..‘you got the teeth of the hydra upon you’

  84. The seesaw was hilarious and then I think I peed a little when I got to the get there early part. The youtube vid was the topper. Thanks for making me laugh my ass off tonight.

  85. 85
    I can't read my nametag

    “I laughed so hard I woke up the dog.”

    That made me laugh so hard I woke up Hemingway.

    You’re welcome.

  86. “I love you, I love you, I love you.” Maybe I need to do that before I write a blog post. At this point I’ll take all the help I can get.

    PS- I forgot to thank you for coming by my blog. It made my day!

    Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday #13 – When Dad Makes Dinner

  87. First time vistor, adore adore adore. The vlog? Genius. Sending to friends…brave and really side splitting funny. Thanks!!!

  88. You know, if there’s one thing that I’ve always said is lacking on the Internet, it’s genital stabbing on see-saws. Thanks for filling in the gap.

    savia’s last blog post..Back on the wagon again

  89. What the hell is a period troll? That sounds fiercely unnecessary.

  90. And then the she said to the witch (who might be troll) that if you eat the goat its horns will get stuck in your oesophegus and pierce your lungs and you’ll die, to which the witch/troll said “Mutton!” and drowned in the river like Ofelia. *SICK* – Please make the first three cards into badges ‘coz I need that sort of ‘badassedness’ on my blog. (It’s not that I don’t like the other two, it’s just I have enough legs and I don’t have periods – I think my cervix is missing – the damn penis gets in the way I think).

    And then snow shite ran away with the old dwarf and the prince, who was actually Prince, lived happily ever after with the other 6 dwarves. The end.

    JL’s last blog post..The bad Juju of the cereal bowl

  91. Babe, I have been playing with my troll for a couple of months now. She is losing her freaking mind and it entertains me immensely.

    But I am getting rather bored. Wanna give yours to me? I need another plaything.

    Kelley’s last blog post..Chlamydia, Chlamydia, say have you met Chlamydia?

  92. Got here through Geekologie. I have to say that your blog is ridiculously entertaining and you are hillarious. Screw them trolls. I have mine own too but it doesn’t bother me. Cause c’mon, you’re only envious of what you’re not.

    Bitches want to be me.

    the constantly dramatic one’s last blog post..Mucho gracias

  93. Three posts in one day gets you the Crazy Award from me. But then, if you’ve got this much gold laying around, why sit on it, right?

    Who let those birds in here?

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..The rules of D-, Vol. 1

  94. Just found you through some guy peeing in the wind… FUNNY girl… Just remember… You are Good Enough… & gosh darn it…people like you!

    tressa’s last blog post..Too much Oprah?

  95. If some d00d was even thinking about ‘hotness’ when looking at a photo of you as a 7-year old… that is just creepy. As in Eww.

    :shudder:

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..Merrie Olde Texas!

  96. Affirmation Girl was great.

    Oh, you’re great too. I mean, I didn’t mean that you are not as great as Affirmation Girl. You are as great as Affirmation Girl. Greater. Way Greater.

    Please don’t send me a troll card. I didn’t mean to say Affirmation Girl was Great before I said you were great. Honest.

  97. that video rocks. Loved it Jenny! thanks!

    amy’s last blog post..And love a little longer/And soon you will be there

  98. # 1 reason I love my unpopular blog:). And my now 9 readers.

  99. You so need your own line of Hallmark cards. My father in law is my troll. That is why i have comment moderation on. Is that sad or what?

    Tracey’s last blog post..Photo Friday-Using Channel Mixer for Black and White Conversion

  100. I love to learn stuff. I am now a troll guru. A troll maven. Now what the hell is akismet?

    Ellie’s last blog post..Tiny Bubbles

  101. How had I never seen that Affirmation Girl video?? I honestly feel a little changed right now, like, in a good way.

    Thank you, Jenny, the Bloggess.

    Maggie, dammit’s last blog post..Bats all up in my belfry: Twitter, the expanded edition

  102. I love everything about this post. The video is hysterical!!! I don’t have enough readers (yet) to have trolls. One day… a girl can dream :)

  103. Holy shit that was funny!

  104. You can raise dead dogs with your laugh? What kind of high frequency sonar induced neighborhood are you living in?
    (but very cool for party tricks, so rock on!)

    Sprite’s Keeper’s last blog post..The Spin Cycle: Can you send a husband to time out?

  105. I would so do you for 22 hours a day.

  106. Jenny, you were SO cute when you were that age. Okay, fine, you still are. BTW, can I post some pics of you from the 70′s/early 80′s, if I can find them? I only ask because I saw some a few days ago. Please?

    Ellie, “akismet” was obviously supposed to be “a kismet”: http://www.thefreedictionary.com/kismet

  107. Why is it all the trolls can’t spell for shit? I got my first negative comment the other day and it was from some old weird ass man. I felt like I’d made it with my first troll. Then all my commenters turned on his ass and we almost had a murder. He then said he was joking. He was totally not joking. He has not commented again. LOL I have a pack of smartmouthed readers and he didn’t want anymore. And that video was so freaking funny. And I thought you sure were purty in your picture. LOL I think you’re great and just ignore all the shitheads out there.

    Tiffany’s last blog post..Bitch that’s MY bread

  108. Dude!

    (Why? Why must I use that word like I’m a teenager? I’m so lame.)

    I want those graphics and I want to use them as signatures in my emails.

    Especially the elephant. Nothing gets to the point like an elephant with too many legs.

  109. Damn, I forgot to tell you that the cards were awesome, and so is Affirmation Girl. I want her number, if you happen to have it lying around. And yes, people, it’s “lying”, not “laying”.

  110. I am currently troll-less. I guess I would have to have more than six readers for that to happen. Oh, well. I’ll just read your trolls and pretend they’re mine.

    You get the genitals and I’ll go for the eyes.

    Jim’s last blog post..College Etiquette for Students

  111. Girlfriend, if you was in my 2nd grade class on Rodeo Day and you came in there lookin’ all Laura Ingalls hotness like that I’d be on you like a chicken on a Cheeto. Of course I mean my seven year-old self would be.

    When people write comments about how much they can’t stand me or that I’m retarded or that I’m too stupid to be allowed to vote or that my penis doesn’t have the appropriate girth, I think of all the people who think the same things about me but they are too polite or too scared of me to say anything and it makes me feel better.

    Chickens must love cheetos, right?

  112. I always love the trolls who have multiple personality episodes, comment from the same IP, and leave a nice comment under one name, and a snarky one under a different name.

    Oh, and I lurve the Hemingway one. That’s great.

    “Just found you through some guy peeing in the wind… FUNNY girl… Just remember… You are Good Enough… & gosh darn it…people like you!”

    What the hell? Peeing in the wind? How are you associated with this?!

    Andria’s last blog post..The Business of Blogging

  113. How much does Heming weigh?

  114. Hey, you really are multifaceted – I sort of thought of you as my go-to blog for a great laugh. And now here you are all warm and fuzzy and defending the right to post whatever crap we want without troll-dom. You are a great advocate for bloggers. Wonderful badges/cards – cracked me up, of course.

    EmmaW’s last blog post..Hatred: the next generation

  115. First comment you referred to sounds like a paedo with high standards (especially since that was a totally cute pic!)

    Second comment you referred to – well it DEFINITELY would take one to know one . . . and they didn’t know what they were talking about!!!

    Affirmation girl – fucking hilarious!!! I nearly peed myself laughing!

    Paula’s last blog post..IN HIBERNATION MODE . . .

  116. I wrote this funny little post about how men should marry ugly women to achieve lifelong happiness. It was clearly written as a joke.
    Then some “high maintenance” lady stumbled upon it and went bananas about how offensive she found the notion that women with designer clothes and plastic surgery wouldn’t want to make homemade dinner rolls. It was the first troll comment I ever got and it really took me back at first. Then my friend Mollie reminded me that this was a crazy woman and I was fine.

    shonda’s last blog post..If I Think It’s Tacky, Lord, It Is!

  117. Oh my! between you and the video blog…I am cracking up.

    I love you both. Don’t let the trolls get ya down sisters.

    The Laundress’s last blog post..Haiku “Holy Hell, it’s Friday…Really?”

  118. Link up that “someone”. Give credit where it’s due. Plagiarist.

    Black Hockey Jesus’s last blog post..Charles Dickens X

  119. I used to get trolled on a support board I used to frequent. I have had the occasionally meany at my blog. People just don’t get that on my own little piece of the Internet – I get the last word and I am right (well, not the last part always.)

  120. God I love you.

  121. Damn you for introducing me to Lisa Nova, thus causing me to stay up until 1:30 a.m. watching all her videos.
    I feel like shit today and it’s all your fault! Or that could’ve been the xanax…nevermind.

  122. Twas I who let the birds in. Sorry.

    Amanda’s last blog post..Who the hell is this Kim Kardashian person?

  123. How could someone say that Laura Ingalls Wilder isn’t hot?

  124. Came across your blog and haven’t stopped laughing…loved VLOG girl. Today I am thankful to have only 3 solid readers of my blog.

    SNK’s last blog post..Widgets, Smidgets

  125. Oh my blog I cannot stop laughing at Affirmation Girl. I think I need to watch that again. You just made my day.

  126. Okay, so I didn’t read all 125 comments (I have a short attention span and I’m used to reading only, like, 4 comments on my blog. :::sniff:::)V/i>, but you obviously ROCK!

    Anyway, forget the trolls, your video had me holding myself so I don;t pee in my pants. Good thing I’m at home and not at work, huh?

  127. Ok, usually I don’t even write comments after there are already 30 because I figure who’s going to read like 100 comments? I’m sure you have a life. But I did have to step up to say that I totally defended you on some of the trolls’ blogs. You rock, Bloggess. And that prairie girl picture? TOTALLY hot. No question.

    HeatherPride’s last blog post..Biggest Disappointment of the Week

  128. The video is hilarious. Rolling on the floor over here!

    Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritas’s last blog post..Palin and A New Mommy War?

  129. oops, crap – I messed up the xhtml code crap. I’m obviously not skilled at this.

    kristin’s last blog post..A drought and a search for inspiration

  130. I read *all* the comments. Even if I didn’t want to I would have to because of my OCD. Lucky for you people I’m mentally ill.

    And seriously, thank you for having my back. It meant a lot.

    And to answer some earlier questions, I don’t know what akismet is either but Victor loaded it on my blog and it catches almost all of my spam comments. It’s awesome.

    Also, any pictures of my from the 80′s should be destroyed. No exceptions.

  131. [...] read this. Then I laughed so hard I fell down dead. Go do the same. Well maybe not the last [...]

  132. 132
    Just A. Reader

    Yeah, you really are that hot. But I mean now, not when you were 7. I’m not some sick freak, you know. I don’t care what the jury said.

  133. Most pictures of anyone from the 80′s should be destroyed.

    But Jenny… the dude who thought he was right… wasn’t. You’re totally hot. And funny as hell. That bit about waking up the dog? I think I peed a little.

    Lurve you girl!

    Mojo’s last blog post..55 Flash Fiction Friday (#10): Bannaa

  134. 134
    Just A. Reader

    You seem to have an awful lot of readers with bladder control issues. You need to hook up with a urology clinic. You could make a fortune on the referrals.

  135. I’m not sure which is better: the cards or the “I’m gonna shit in your vagina.” comment.

    CarolynOnline’s last blog post..What the eff word hands? They’re at it again.

  136. Is it sad that I aspire to having trolls on my blog? Cause I would take trolls as a sign that more than 7 people read my blog and maybe I can stop hanging out in the corners of blogoslavakia.

    LOVE the seesaw card. I am going to tell my friends that whenever they get upset of the hate-age. I’ll give you credit though.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..The Adventures in Windsurfing

  137. If the seesaw card were a bumper sticker – I’d buy one. No, I’d buy like 100 and randomly stick them onto people’s bumpers in parking lots.

  138. I have never had a troll and I am now burning with envy over your plethora of them. Admit it, Jenny, you have been hoarding all that delicious troll meat for yourself. Selfish girl. *tsk*tsk*

    cagey’s last blog post..What is a synonym for “thesaurus”?

  139. Trolls are like those little pieces of toilet paper that cling to your ass. Even if you wipe gently, they still show up just because they can…………….

  140. Dude. We totally had Rodeo Day. In elementary school. And there were definitely bunnies and chicks. But bull castration? Please don’t tell me you were inseminating cows as well. You could lose a lot of small children that way.

    The Introvert’s last blog post..taxicab confessions

  141. Can I nominate Superblondgirl’s comment for comment of the day? I lurve little house on the prarie…prarie…praire…I give up.

  142. I love the Hemmingway one. But you now have way too many comments to ever be as good as Hemmingway.

    And I don’t say that because I’m a hateful troll. I just say that because I’m typing faster than I’m thinking.

    Noelle’s last blog post..Won’t you be my neighbor

  143. on one hand, I kind of have to give props to the trolls. At least I know they’re paying attention because they’re so specific regarding the ways in which I have offended them with my sucktasticness. On the otherhand, I’m totally bring a meat skewer to the See Saw party.

    miss thystle’s last blog post..Wednesday Child is full of Woe

  144. And you see, I misspelled Hemingway twice. Just like an idiot. I’m turning off the computer for the day.

    Noelle’s last blog post..Won’t you be my neighbor

  145. I’m sure you get told this often, buy I think you have a future in greeting cards. Those cards were beyond awesome.

    Georgia’s last blog post..Bully

  146. Oh, and once I wrote a really heartfelt post about my dad or about my childhood cat dying or something, and some guy commented with “blah blah show us your tits” and it was the best comment I’ve ever received.

    Georgia’s last blog post..Bully

  147. I really want to steal your Hemingway card.

    How’d that whole writing thing turn out for him anyway? I forget.

    t2ed’s last blog post..Pour Some Sugar On Me

  148. I was in 4th grade during the whole “Hollie Hobbie” madness and had a dress just like that. Got my pic in the local paper wearing it. So don’t tell me it’s not hot.

    I liked the Hemingway one until the party-pooper brought up the shooting thing. Sheesh.

    People who don’t like you have no sense of humor. We have no need for them.

    Lunasea’s last blog post..Kinda Resistant, Kinda Not

  149. OK. I know I’m not a “numbers person,” but I’m still looking for the third post you wrote yesterday…

    Oh, and that video: Really fucking hilarious!

    Hip_M0M’s last blog post..When Did This Turn Into a Sex Blog?

  150. Ha! The third post is on my other blog. The one I have to remind myself that the number of comments don’t really matter.

    http://blogs.chron.com/goodmombadmom/

  151. But THIS? Genius.

    ms picket to you’s last blog post..Packed Up, Nowhere to Go

  152. Oh dear Lord this post made me wake up the dog. And mine has been dead for 5 years.

    Dude. That video is the funniest thing ever and should be shown at Blogging 101. I so wish I wold have seen it before dealing with my own trolls.

    I love you. I love you. I love you!!!

    OHmommy’s last blog post..Finding my place in the world, as an immigrant.

  153. You know, I have yet to receive/notice any trolls or haters in my world. However, you are the one with over 100 comments on your post…guess it comes with the territory? Perhaps the more trolls and haters you get, the more popular you really are!!!!

    the almost right word’s last blog post..the a.r.w. recommends: Gawker Artists

  154. That You Tube video of Affirmation girl? Hilarious.

    Seriously.

    Hilarious.

    And you as a child in that outfit?

    Wow, pretty cute…but a little scary.

    Rhea’s last blog post..Madcap Prevaricator

  155. and I think you laughed so hard you woke up my dead dog too.

    Rhea’s last blog post..Madcap Prevaricator

  156. OH fucking hell, that video is hilarious. And things usually aren’t that funny unless I can see myself in them. Except I don’t get the haters in comments. No one has ever told me they’d fuck me 22 hours then have me suck their dick for the other 2.

    I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.

    Queen of Shake Shake’s last blog post..How Can a Dull Wallflower Turn into a Farting GapMom with Friends?

  157. Okay – loved the post (as always – you rock). However, the elephant does NOT have too many legs – he has 4 legs, two tusks, and one trunk. (I think I’ve become slightly troll-y… forgive me Jenny?)

  158. Hahahaha! That video was just too funny!

    I bet Almanzo Wilder woulda thought you were haht. ;-)

    Attila the Mom’s last blog post..ABC and Charles/Charlie/Chuck Gibson Can Kiss My Shiny Heinie

  159. Oh, thank you so much. Every time I do a political blog, I get some racist asshole on my site and I can’t get rid of him. I feel like affirmation girl. I have to repeat this daily: “he’s just a troll, just a troll.”

  160. You are kinda my hero. I freaking love those cards. Can you make them into buttons so I can put one up the next time I get a tard comment?

    Issa’s last blog post..Happy birthday babe

  161. That see saw one was so absolutely perfect. And the elephant one! And the… well, you get the picture.
    No trolls, because no one reads, having trolls is a sign of popularity, so it should be positive, huh? Kind of like the popular girls in high school that everyone made up rumors about like that she was pregnant with the science teacher’s baby, oh wait, that one was true…

    Foxy’s last blog post..Know When to Hold ‘Em

  162. You’re marvelous.
    Which may sound just too buttery to be honest, but you’re the only blog all the women in my family can read and agree upon/laugh with/about.
    So – keep fighting the good fight?

  163. Dudette…I do a blog for a soap I watch and those people are wicked crazy…I have this one person who sent me all their personal info thinking I was one of the characters on the show.

    Mean people suck…that’s all I’ve got…yep that’s it. Have a nice F-ing day :)

    p.s. Your real minions dig you! Was that to obsequious?

    Jenn’s last blog post..Arachnophobia

  164. Trolls suck… and I’ve been introduced to a whole new category of troll: The Concern Troll. They suck too… they call me feminazi and tell me I’m going to spend eternity in the lake of fire (or pit of fire, I don’t remember – they sound equally hot.) I really dig affirmation girl – got flashbacks from my first blog post.
    My favorite: “I’m gonna shit on you… how will that make you feel? In your head?”

    Kelly’s last blog post..How Much Time Should She Do?

  165. I also laughed out loud when I read the Hemingway one. I’m thinking of putting it up on the sidebar of my blog. (With a link back to you, of course!)

    Your troll’s comment reminded me of the only one I’ve ever gotten (as someone pointed out, there is an upside to having few visitors and even fewer commenters) wherein Lil’ Miss Hater called me a “hoe.” Seriously? I’m supposed to be insulted when you can’t even spell your insult correctly?

    Anyway, someone else above called you “ridiculously entertaining” and that’s like a gift of a tagline. ‘Cause you are.

  166. jenny you are awesome. as soon as i get a troll i will definitely be coming back here :)

    katelin’s last blog post..It’s all coming together.

  167. Sorry about that. I showed her the video of Hayley singing in the car, but when you get to the end, it shows a little parade of all your other videos.

    Another building? That stinks. Since I’ve been working part time, my office is actualy upstairs in our warehouse. Like, if I had a window, I could look out and see all the junk we have in storage down below. But there aren’t any windows in the whole building. There’s no elevator, and there is just one bathroom (unisex) that I share with all the guys who move furniture around in the warehouse. I love them, but not so much there sanitary habits.

    Katy’s last blog post..Romans 1-3

  168. I’ll say it again, I’d give you a chest to pin the medal on but by all reports you do NOT need my help.

    always home and uncool’s last blog post..Singalong with Sarah Palin!

  169. That video totally cracked me up. I love it!

    Emily’s last blog post..Happy Third Birthday, Katrina! Part 7

  170. 149 comments in before I find out about the third post. So I forgot about the other blog, so sue me already.

    What was I going to say?

    Oh! Oh! I got trolled this week! Or was it spammed? Like I was going to bother reading five pages of drivel to find out? Don’t you love that *delete* button?

    Love you.

    Mr Farty’s last blog post..Farty’s Friday Chart

  171. How to deal with trolls: let your friends deal with them for you. Or, The Blogging Justice League. (Or, perhaps those two groups overlap in which case you are awesome because that means that I totally know you.)

    That’s what we do.

    Backpacking Dad’s last blog post..It was an honour just to be nominated

  172. You had me at “stab them in their genitals.” I had my friend on the phone and I couldn’t even ask him to hold because I was laughing so hysterically, I couldn’t even breathe!

    AV Flox’s last blog post..The Lolita Issue

  173. First of all- you are flaming hot. Like seriously, I am jealous! :) And you even make cute kids, so double jealousy for you.

    Second of all- trolls are people who haven’t found thongs yet. I mean, wouldn’t you be pissy if you had 8 inches of underwear up your butt instead of 1 inch? So, instead of hating trolls, take pity on them and buy them a thong. Thongs will save the world.

  174. Shut up and show me your tits.

    Classic.

    Thanks for the laugh!

    And I love the Hemmingway one.

    Gretchen’s last blog post..Every Day Counts

  175. For a second there, I thought you said hobbit not troll.

    califmom’s last blog post..Homeschooling: How Do I Love Thee…

  176. My God you have a shitload of readers. I laughed out loud at the Jolly Ranchers line. I mean, it wouldn’t be a great story but still pretty good. Cause who doesn’t love Jolly Ranchers? And compliments? The video was hilarious. Is that you?

    Stefanie’s last blog post..How To Get A Book Deal In Three Words

  177. That video is classic! Kinda reminds me of myself when I go to open my email inbox at work every morning.

    Jen W’s last blog post..It feels just like yesterday

  178. One of my trolls gave me “Winners Do The Math.” So, they’re not ALL bad. You know?

    (I’m lying. They totally suck, but they do bring a slight, twisted sense of joy to my life that I can’t really describe, but can’t fully deny.)

    (Did that even make sense? Probably not, right? And I should just “Shut the fuck up, get off my lazy ass, stop eating cookies AND GET A FUCKING JOB AND STOP WHINING TO THE INTERNET ALL FUCKING DAY LONG WWWWHOOOOOREEEEEEEEEEE” already. YES?)

    Y’s last blog post..Raaaaaaaaaage

  179. Well, I think “your” hot. How could you not be? You have a blow dryer in your hand.

  180. The trolls are reading you and to my knowledge it’s not mandatory to read your (your’re) blog so given free will and all I vote for the stabbing with too (two/to) many legs (not to be confused with Jacob Two-Two or Jordan Tootoo for that matter). What I meant to say was its a troll issue that they, are, well, you know..uh trolls and not super cool bloggesses or bloggesses readerers.

  181. Trolls are so entertaining…and so is Affirmation Girl!!

    But they don’t hold a candle to you! ;)

    Mrs. Schmitty’s last blog post..Can They Expel A Pre-Schooler?

  182. Except you totally are hot. SO THERE!

    Rhi’s last blog post..Friday Bullets: Different Area Codes Edition

  183. I love love love you for bringing a girl back from the bloggy doldrums. You are seriously the best. And when I was 7, I totally would have wanted that outfit because I thought Laura Ingalls Wilder was THE SHIT. For serious.

    MommyTime’s last blog post..Dear Funnel Web Spiders,

  184. Freaking hysterical, huge fan of Lisa Nova as well.

    Punk Rock Dad’s last blog post..Yesterday (Edit: Ska Type Stuff Video)

  185. I am convinced that trolls are the sign of a successful blog. And they’re all fat, white dudes with acne living someplace shitty like Idaho.

    Yeah – I said it. Idaho is shitty. Don’t shoot the bearer of bad news.

    Tranny Head’s last blog post..Knocked Up?!

  186. I think you rock. You should do a Video Blog. Well maybe the world is not ready for that yet. But YOU TOTALLY rock here.

  187. I just fell in love.. with a girl. Think my hub hub would mind? The bigger the balls people have, the harder I fall for them. Screw the trolls.. tell them to continue to play london bridge with their imaginary friends, and all will be well. Keep on trucking, and thanks for not sugar coating! Rock on!

    YoYo’s last blog post..Grandparents Day

  188. I love you and now I have another girl to stalk, Affirmation Girl!

    Yeah, trolls rank right up there with shitting in vaginas. Seriously, that’s just wrong. What kind of person thinks about shitting in someone’s vagina?

    slackermommy’s last blog post..All I want for my birthday is clean water

  189. 192
    Just A. Reader

    The video was hilarious. Is that you?

    OMG! (As they say in Blogsylvania.) That is so NOT The Bloggess! That girl is somewhat attractive. The Bloggess is insanely HOT! We now return you to your regularly scheduled insanity.

  190. I want that Hemmingway button. I NEED that button. Are you a buttonmaker now? I’ll link to you and everything. Puleeeze? I was born and raised in Texas if that counts for anything in your twisted mind. :D

    Wendy’s last blog post..Project Runway, the legend episode

  191. 200 freakin’ comments on a post @ not getting comments (well, that links to that…)?

    Your totally anonymous.

    (It actually, literally HURT me to write the above sentence. It’s against my religion.)

    Man, I miss you when I’ve been “gone” and then I come back and read you and realize I miss you.

    That made sense, right?

    Robin (PENSIEVE)’s last blog post..Everybody’s NUTS! Wahoo! A weekend give-away!

  192. OMG! You are so hilarious! Well I think you look really hot in the picture of you in giant rollers and a blowdryer. I love your cards! Especially the one about Hemingway.

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..I Love Houston in the Fall

  193. I love those banners. I need one that says, “I’m popular with Panamanian Spammers, they make my stats go up!”

    Jenifer’s last blog post..The fury…

  194. I love you, even if you DO want to kill the imaginary hobbits.

    flutter’s last blog post..Zero content friday night: Bell X1

  195. The video? Two words….

    Freakin’. Hilarious.

    Slick’s last blog post..Just Because….

  196. This was my first visit here – MamaKatsLosinIt sent me over here. That video cracked me up! Was that you? Probably a dumb question but hey I’m a little behind here ;)
    I’ll definitely be back – keep it up!

    Shanna’s last blog post..Meet-Up, Again

  197. That’s *so* not me in the video but bless you for thinking I’m that thin.

  198. I love the first two cards, just fantastic! Thanks affirmation girl, we’re all going to be okay! ^^ Great post!

    Also a first timer…thanks MamaKatsLosinIt.

    Ren’s last blog post..Is it wrong…

  199. Thanks to what I have to assume is a viral phenomonster (your Tranny Lego post–go figure) a co-worker IM’ed me a link to your blog. While our business is social media, I never have time to read much of the UGC that goes through all the social tools.

    I wish I had more time for it because this blog is pure gold. Your style is hilarious but insightful and now I am worried I may be addicted.

    Thank you for such a great read!

  200. I have to admit I was a little nervous about sending my little readers to Blogess territory…I was afraid they wouldn’t come back.

    But I refuse to be sucked in to that high school most popular coveting the friends thing. I like you…and I have to share you.

    Ahem.

    But if they don’t come back I’m going to start leaving anonymous heckling comments on your blog… ;)

    Mama’s Losin’ It’s last blog post..Dirty Trolls

  201. My fun and witty antics are lost this morning. Too much booze & revamped 80′s rock will do that to you. Instead I’ll give you some bullshit line about loving your brother, or turning the other cheek, or sending them prayers. I dunno. I’m gonna drink my coffee now. Just know that I love you!

    Jen@Happily-Ever-After-Land’s last blog post..PhotoStory Friday – Sticker Shock!

  202. You are awesome.

    Erica/TxGambit’s last blog post..Nothing for Saturday…. Again!

  203. Ya know, I’ve been reading your blog for awhile…it doesn’t occur to me to comment every time I think you are hi-larious or awesome or w/e because I assume you are already aware.

    So you are funny and awesome and I try to read your older posts because I’m totally convinced that I’ve been missing out on some good stuff and need to catch up. So there :)

  204. My trolls started a whole freakin’ MESSAGE BOARD about me. I think they’ve moved on to other topics now. I hope.

  205. I think that chick is my inside voice. Wow… here I was thinking I was the only one brave enough to sport the Holly Hobby look! And you were totally hot, so meh to the doofus that wrote that!

    I read your interview at that old guy’s blog… the Titanic one… anyway, loved that you started blogging for the same reasons I did. Not that you were copying me… just glad to know that greatness comes from wanting to find other weirdoes and to write The Book. I remember, too getting your reason for the curlers when I met you at BlogHer. I thought that made complete sense. I think I’m going to wear curlers for Halloween and anyone that says, Her are you the Bloggess? is going to be my new friend. Then I’ll drug them and take pictures just like you suggested.

    Love love love you! Like in a totally stalker kind of way…

  206. So i just found your blog from Mama’s Losin It and boy am i glad i did! You are friggin hilarious!! Thanks to Mama Kat, i just found another blog to stalk!!

    Miss Blondie’s last blog post..What do you think???

  207. Love the see saw card–that’s a winner.
    Your a winner. ha ha…idiots.

    How to Party with an Infant’s last blog post..Motherhood: A Gateway to Drunktown

  208. I am so glad I stopped by (for the first time evah) and read this. So true, so true. You have to think though, those goats had pretty good odds – 3:1.

    Love the cards, those are epic.

    Siobhan’s last blog post..Photo Hunt: String(s)

  209. Okay, One? Bonnets are hot, I don’t care what anyone else says. That Hollie Hobbie look still rules.

    Two? I’m a little scared by the moo cards. It may have been the elephant.

    Three. Heart Affirmation Girl. Total heart.

    Four. 200+ comments? Awesome. Struck a nerve there, eh? Trolls. Meh. I say bring ‘em.

    New Age Bitch’s last blog post..The Gratitude Thing: Oprah Was Wrong.

  210. “Iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou.” And I love the cards. And I love people with too many legs. So I think I’ll send that one out but, you know, more as a supportive type of thing.

    Lesley’s last blog post..Tomorrow Maybe Blog Will Have Burning Bush?

  211. I came over from MamaKat’s and I love it. That was an awesome video. You keep going and do listen to those meanies. They suck. You are so much better than them.

  212. You know what’s better than reading a post from one of your favoritest bloggers? Reading the comments from your OTHER favoritest bloggers.

    I needed this. I am SO sending *myself* the see saw card!

    Martie’s last blog post..R.I.P. Jake D…

  213. Your blog is too funny. This video is hilarious! I’m supposed to tell you that my dear internet friend Momma Kat sent me. :)

    Heather’s last blog post..What?

  214. Not to be a debbie downer or anything…but things really didn’t turn out alright for Hemingway. Well, not till after he was dead and stuff.

    I want people to love my blog today. Not after I’m dead. LOL

    jennydecki’s last blog post..My Long Term Career Plan

  215. “I never get any comments”??! How old is that thought? You get so many it’s not even funny.

    BTW, I agree, totally hot.

    Eolake Stobblehouse’s last blog post..Affirmation girl

  216. Touche. But on my other blog I average about 10 comments a post so technically I’m still allowed to be a little whiney.

  217. i’m laughing that ugly laugh i own, which never ever comes out in public.

    sadly, i am at starbuck’s. by myself. in public. just me and my deep-throated snorting.

    thanks. i have to kirtsy this. now.

    karey m.’s last blog post..another birthday…

  218. That is a riot! Lucky for me nobody likes me enough to tell me that they sh*t in my . . .

    No, that is NOT an invitation.

    Jenny, you so cool!

  219. Jesus, Jenny. You’re a Rock Star! But I already knew that : )

    That video is hilarious.

    Ruth Dynamite’s last blog post..Music to my Ears?

  220. oh that video made my day. I can face the world now!

    designhermomma’s last blog post..Runway ready we are not

  221. I’m thinking of getting a bonnet just like that one.

    shonda’s last blog post..As If I Don’t Cuss Enough Already

  222. Thanks for the advice on dealing with trolls, now can you tell me how to control my maniac teenager and the ridiculous ridiclous parents in my neighborhood, ’cause that would be hot and I would drool on your feet.

    insane mama’s last blog post..The Fastest Raddest ACDC Chick

  223. those are great cards. omg loved the affirmation girl video. now she can live inside my head. :)

    elizabeth’s last blog post..coronado shore

  224. The cards are awesome and affirmation girl made me laugh. Fortunately my blog isn’t read enough to attract trolls, but if it ever is . . . who am I kidding? I’ll cry myself to sleep.

    Stacey’s last blog post..Blame Canada

  225. I don’t get nasty comments, only horrific emails. Your post was perfectly timed. And thank you so much for the intro to affirmation girl. She’s a keeper.

  226. I never knew they were called “trolls”. i just assumed mine was Dooce’s husband.

    HappyHourSue’s last blog post..Slow News Day

  227. I wish I was cool enough to have haters…

    Cristin’s last blog post..How to make a scene.

  228. First I was prepared to tell you how you were hot and that I want those cards. Then I saw a comment that you have a VODKA PANTRY. You do? I’m going to stand in your front yard with a boom box over my head playing Peter Gabriel really loud.

    WhenSheWorePonytails’s last blog post..Happy happy birthday baby

  229. This is so funny!

    Maia’s last blog post..Putting Me in My Place

  230. I just found your blog today! I have laughed so loud that my husband has peeked into the room to make sure I am not just losing it or something. Anyone who would leave you a mean comment is a fucktard. You can tell ‘em I said so. Thank you for Affirmation Girl, just made my day a little brighter.

    that gypsy girl’s last blog post..He’s the DJ, I’m the Rapper

  231. I’ve never heard of her before but that video was hilarious! I just spent a half hour watching a bunch of her stuff on youtube.

    Lotta’s last blog post..Enhabiten Giveaway!

  232. Hey – you’ve got wigs. Why aren’t you making videos?

  233. Thank you. I’ve just started blogging, and I’m afraid.

    (and for what it’s worth: I read your entire blog in one go when I first discovered it)

    (and I’ll probably do it again)

    Classical Chick’s last blog post..Why I’ll never become addicted to alcohol

  234. I’m so new to this thing that I’ve only ever seen trolls in action over at other people’s houses.

    I don’t know if you have ever read Norman Cousins, but he’s a scientific type who became very ill and decided to treat his illness with laughter.

    As the story goes, he sat up in bed, more or less, and watched reruns of “Laurel & Hardy” while taking lots of Vitamin C, I think, and brought his health back from the brink.

    At this point, had you been there, I would have put him on your trail. But, sadly for Norman, he was before your time. Nevertheless, and fortunately for me, you are right on time. “The healing power of The Blogess” has a nice ring, non?

    I, on the other hand, now have a stomachache, and my husband will be mad at me for days because I laughed so fucking hard, uncontrollably, that he slammed his book shut because he could not concentrate to read!

    240 plus comments? Were you also pregnant at 15–by the Homecoming King with whom you shared the stage–when you were crowned Homecoming Queen in the 9th grade at Thomas Jefferson Junior High School in Oklahoma City? I’m just wondering…

    La Framéricaine’s last blog post..“You Are Really A Lovable Person…”

  235. I think I damaged some internal organs from reading your blog! Which, by the way, is a POSITIVE thing, as it is laughter-induced internal organ damage. I’m sure many of your readers have also experienced internal organ damage while reading your blog, and I’m saddened that there are trolls out there that cannot share in this experience. Their loss :)

    Brooke’s last blog post..Weekend Wonderland

  236. Blogville rookiedom, coupled with pathetically slow synaptic formation (or maybe damaged dendrites; I’m no neurologist) requires just the right post for me to make associations. I’d like to thank you for causing that dim bulb over my head to light up a little bit this morning, though. I know you said that goats are the only ones who have to fear trolls, but if I remember the story correctly (and there is every chance that I do not and that this is, therefore, a faulty connection I am making) the troll ended up getting his ass handed to him by those goats. Or some goat sympathizer. Or something. Anyway, the troll lost. Which leads me to the following brilliant conclusion about trollless status: I thought my lack of non-familial trolls was simply lack of traffic. Now I know it’s because I am constantly writing about my goats.
    I feel so much better about myself now. Thanks!

    WaltzInExile’s last blog post..Fissiparous

  237. My employer frowns on unbridled jubilation in the workplace, which had led to some odd squeaking as I attempt to supress my laughter whilst reading your blog. You are hysterical. Thank you and thanks to Mama Kat for sending me your way.

  238. My very favorite snarky bumper sticker? “Jesus loves you but His Dad thinks you’re a jerk”.

    Feel free.

    Sandy’s last blog post..Non-Sequitur

  239. Awesome. Hopefully I get trolled someday and get a chance to ask for the code to one of these cards.

    Shutter Bitch’s last blog post..Heavy

  240. I usually congratulate friends when they get their first troll, it’s like totally a sign of blooming popularity- TOTALLY *snaps gum* but on occasion they still manage to twist the old knife and then I sob a whole bunch, fantasize about punching them in the genitals and then locking them in a room with my MIL. That usually makes me feel better.

    fidget’s last blog post..Tears and Tribulations

  241. I’m just re-reading comments to make sure an appropriate amount of my peeps are leaving you love.

    I’m satisfied with the turnout.

    Though I did see one who failed to mention where she came from…maybe she was already a reader…I suppose that’s possible.

    She’s also a bitch so I don’t care that much.

    mama’s losin’ it’s last blog post..Tiny Tidbits: Color Me Crazy

  242. I must say that troll truly suck!

    I have only had a few and they were enough to drive me crazy! Of course, I am highly neurotic and a tad obsessive with just a little paranoia thrown in for good measure…so it doesn’t take much!

    Queen of the Mayhem’s last blog post..Injury….Meet Your New Friend Insult!

  243. That’s trolls…..trolls suck!

    MAN!

    Queen of the Mayhem’s last blog post..Injury….Meet Your New Friend Insult!

  244. 245 comments?!?! Are you frickin’ kidding me? You are like a mega blogger aren’t you?

    And damn funny at that.

    Here from Mama Kat’s place ‘cuz she loves you so that means I do too.

  245. I sat here for …. well, I don’t really know, but for a long long time reading all of the comments and they are almost as good as your blog!

    I too love the sea/saw card. I have a thing about knives… my son once gave me knife that has printed on it that it is Lorena Bobbitt’s knife. See where I’m going with this.. Only kidding. Except for the gift of the knife. I really do have it, somewhere.

    Anyway, I love your blog and I’m so lucky I don’t have any problems with trolls.

    Jan’s last blog post..Global Warming?

  246. I’m so framing that Hemingway one.

    Musing’s last blog post..Blogtations on YouTube!

  247. I used to think I was a troll, because people were calling me that. But then I realized they were saying I was droll, and then it took me a long time to realize that wasn’t a contraction of drunk and roll.

  248. [...] This one made me snort.  This one almost made me pee.  This one actually made me pee, a little.  This one made me mop.  This one made me shart. [...]

  249. Found you through Writer Dad. He is right – you are hilarious!

    Great topic, I just got my first troll last week and he (and it has to be a he, right, I can’t see any woman being that friggin’ weird) is absolutely batshit crazy. Thanks for the many laughs and the great video!

    BloggerDad’s last blog post..A long way to go for an inside joke

  250. I don’t know you but you rock! :)

    Igor Minar’s last blog post..Enough with the Flash Already

  251. That video was so great! She has a little Lili Taylor vibe going there.

    Beth’s last blog post..MonHaibun: Walking from One Chocolatier to Another

  252. I guess there are advantages to writing a blog no one reads except the people mentioned in it. If they leave a mean post they know I will punch them in the face. Or cry. Yeah, probably the latter.

    Liz C’s last blog post..Almost-brush with greatness

  253. 256
    bluebutterfly

    I love you…I truly, truly do…and not in some weird stalker kind of way…well maybe alittle.

  254. [snark]Your awesome![/snark]

    No, really. You’re awesome and quite a funny writer as well. Glad I found this blog. Some day, I too can look forward to trolls and having them direct their insults at me.

    Ian Parker’s last blog post..Gartner Says RIM Wins Smartphone War

  255. May I steal one of your cards for my blog? I never get any comments. :o(

    Mz. Nesbit’s last blog post..Another Meme! Hey man, don’t complain-meme’s are the only thing keeping this blog going!

  256. Of course you can, Mz. Nesbit. (And I’m going over to comment right this second.)

  257. Affirmation Girl was worth the price of admission alone.

  258. 261
    Just A. Reader

    Just so you know, posting three times in one day does not give you a license to take a week off. There are addicts out here. We need our Bloggess crack.

    Wait, that didn’t sound the way I meant it. Or did it?

  259. Sometimes I verbally beat the crap out of myself. I use strong words and paint pictures. The best defense is a strong offense. Then if a Troll comes around and says something uncool I’m like “Dude…, I already thought of that. That’s SO uncreative. Use your own words.”

    PAPA’s last blog post..Offices have (free) food. I like food.

  260. I don’t know what that troll was smokin’.

    You ROCK the prairie dress.

    AKA prayerey in Trollspeak.

    mommypie’s last blog post..This political moment brought to you by the Sex Pistols.

  261. Jenny, I got stabbed in the genitals with a knife. It was my Doctor who stabbed me. He didn’t call it a knife though, he called it a scalpel. Oh yeah, and he was performing a vasectomy. So actually I didn’t get stabbed in the genitals with a knife at all. It was just a lie to try and impress you.

    Thanks for dropping in earlier.

    Dave Fowler’s last blog post..Playing Tag

  262. OMG.

    Where have you been all my life?

    Are you married?

    I mean, Writer Dad told me you were something special, but . . . GEES!

    I have that weird feeling in my tummy right about now.

    You know, the feeling when all the pretty little butterflies are floating around in your stomach, but somehow the acid brewing in your tummy never quite kills the little critters — Yeah, that’s me right now.

    Or kind of like when the school bully has you cornered and you have no where to run, and you feel like your stomach is going to collapse on itself — Yeah, that too.

    Forget those idiots bloggess, they’re cretins — pay no mind to their tomfoolery my love.

    It is I, yes I, not me, who will save you from these comment-trolls my dear.

    Please, allow me to be your trollkismet, and I’ll slay the fools as they appear.

    Luis Gross’s last blog post..Should You Display Your FeedBurner Reader Count?

  263. Those cards are effing awesome. I need to have them, ASAP.

    By the way, if it wasn’t obvious – I totally love you.

    elise’s last blog post..People Confuse Me, Part 13,379

  264. I’m not sure if I laughed harder at “I woke up the dog…who has been dead four 4 years” or “get there early”

    Either way. I laughed pretty hard..thanks.

  265. trolls are just losers who try to make everyone else feel as miserable as they do. Hate trolls. I wish they’d find something more productive to do. Like take a nap in the middle of the highway or do bungee jumping or something.

    Elisa’s last blog post..help! I’m Paris Hilton!

  266. You are brilliantly funny. I love the little cards you made up, especial the one about the seesaw. And Affirmation Girl- LOVE her.

    lisa’s last blog post..How Many Books Have You Read?

  267. [...] This is the third post I’ve written today and I want a medal (alternate title – How to deal with t… at The Bloggess [...]

  268. [...] Bloggess is always hilarious, but I think this post is her masterpiece.  I’m still laughing, which is good for my abs.  Thank you Bloggess for helping me lose my [...]

  269. Totally hilarious. At first, I thought YOU were the affirmation girl in the video. But even if you were, that would be okay. Love yourself! Not in the naughty way, though. Oh, okay, love yourself there too, if you want. Who am I to judge.

    Sorry. Rambling…

    Texan Mama’s last blog post..Cheerleaders gone wild

  270. That video totally cracked me up!

    Ninja Mom’s last blog post..For Ninja Honey…

  271. Were you supposed to be Laura Ingalls or Holly Hobby? ‘Cause I totally had that same outfit when I was Holly Hobby for Halloween in ’75.

    Zellmer’s last blog post..Out came the sun

  272. Forgive me for not reading all 273 comments, but why oh why do videos not work for me? This is like the fourth today. Argh. And trolls? Are they the people who leave the 37 page religious diatribes? No? Then what are those people called?
    And, for the record, I still think you bear a striking resemblance to Leighton whatsername from the show for the younger set.

    amanda’s last blog post..I could *so* do it

  273. Dude, that hat? HAWT!

    Kristabella’s last blog post..Bacon Crashes My Pity Party

  274. Those cards kinda made me shoot coffee from me nose. In a good way.

    autumn dahlia’s last blog post..Work schmirk.

  275. [...] I just want the Bloggess to know, if she’s reading this, I totally took this picture for her. Actually I had my [...]

  276. My opinion on trolls in any internet setting is that they are pussies. IRL they sit at their computer in their mommie’s basement feeling as stupid and pathetic as they are, and they decide to try to flex their muscles in a setting they think they can pretend to be big in.

    It puts me in mind of the South Park episode with the online roll playing game where they got all fat and pimply and Cartman’s mom brought him a bedpan.

    I figure that’s exactly what any troll is doing and then they just seem stupid and laughable. If they had any real balls they’d go out and pick a fight with whoever actually pissed in their Wheaties that day. They don’t because they’d get their asses kicked so they do it anonymously only making themselves look that much more pathetic.

    And I sure wouldn’t sweat someone who can’t tell if he should use “you’re retarded” or “your retarded” Obviously he needs to look the word up… ;)

    Steph’s last blog post..Where do you start?

  277. The Hemingway card you created has given me hope! Thanks!

    CC’s last blog post..A word, is a word, is not a word?

  278. [...] gets tons of comments, which you will see on her original post, and they are usually just as entertaining as the posts.  A truly vibrant member of the blogging [...]

  279. Fucking brilliant. Thank you. :D

    +Jessie

  280. this is Awesome. i love the Hemingway one!
    i’m steeeeealing it.

    Maggie’s last blog post..Magpie’s Nest

  281. i prefer to consider myself a lurker, rather than troll–don’t even know how i got here, but i’m sure it started with ROFL awards . . . which i managed to kill most of a weekend reading. just have to say these cards crack me up–especially the blue one about the see-saw. totally reminds me of a bad preschool scene a couple years back–the mommy gang bangers in opposition. love it. coming back to laugh more, so keep it coming please!–Annie

  282. OMG I so needed to read this today. Someone called me a cunt yesterday and while I’ve been called a cunt numerous times, it bothered me yesterday. Maybe because it was my birthday.

    I should get extra points because it was my birthday.

    That Chick’s last blog post..Coming home.

  283. Man, the world is psycho – psychic, I mean.

    Trolls and haters have nothing better to do or don’t think better of themselves.

    Thank god for the rest of sane people!

    PS: so glad I found this place. A nice dose of reality and hey, I grew up in a Rodeo town and I had a patchwork apron dress and bonnet and matched my mama in hers. REally!!

  284. i so needed to read this today. don’t know why it took me so long to find it.

    tia’s last blog post..New Year’s Daze.

  285. OMFG. Seriously. Stop, you’re killing me.

    Sunshine’s last blog post..Pedophile or "Just" a Pervert?

  286. [...] In other news, I got my first troll!! To mark this momentous occasion I am awarding myself this badge from the Bloggess: [...]

  287. [...] January 31, 2009 by M I got my first troll!! To mark this momentous occasion I am awarding myself this badge from the Bloggess: [...]

  288. [...] Brilliant post at theblogess.com today. [...]

  289. [...] This one made me snort.  This one almost made me pee.  This one actually made me pee, a little.  This one made me mop.  This one made me shart. [...]

  290. Trolls can suck it to the left.
    Now how do I get my hands on one of those cards?
    .-= Denene@MyBrownBaby´s last blog ..Ha’ Mercy: My 10-Year-Old’s Body Is Too Bootylicious For Kidswear =-.

  291. How did I get here? what a giant loop you’ve made for yourself. But seriously those cards are awesome and some of them could work in other situations- like birthdays and funerals ( do you send a card for a funeral?). But really I think you could market them to 20 year olds or something. My sister is 21 and acts like everyone hates her- actually most of the 21 year olds I know act like that- or like douchebags- either way, don’t sue me.

  292. Thank you Thank you Thank you!!! This is exactly what I needed to read for a bit of perspective over my special trolls!!!
    .-= Shaz´s last blog ..Change Of Heart =-.

  293. my personal favorite is when people write, “your retarted”….its like, how retarded do you have to be to mispell it?!
    .-= katie´s last blog ..Quote of the Day =-.

  294. Hemingway was a miserable drunk who killed himself with a shotgun, so maybe things didn’t turn out so alright for him.

  295. May I please take the Hemingway button? It made me so happy and I promise I’ll take extra special care of it.

    I’m going to go ahead and do so. I feel you’d say yes. ‘Cause you’re awesome that way.

    Signed, Not an Idiot.
    .-= Kaylynn´s last blog ..Requiem of the Tide =-.

  296. [...] In other news, I got my first troll!! To mark this momentous occasion I am awarding myself this badge from the Bloggess: [...]

  297. I thought you were talking about the kind of trolls like the one that got into Hogwarts & was tearing shit up in the bathroom until you posted the comment a/b how that person was like oh you’re not that hot (which btw you totally were it that prairie outfit. *sizzle*), and then I was like oh…she means THAT kind of troll. Well that makes a lot more sense.

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  1. Her Royal Bloggess March 30, 2009

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