An open letter to Apple regarding dead hobo fingers

in bizarre, NOT dismembered baby feet, Posts that will get me hate mail, Random Crap, rants, stuff better left unpublished

Dear Apple:

My iPhone is very pretty but also totally useless because it thinks I’m dead.  I assume it was designed to only recognize live human touch on the touchscreen but I guess my hands are too cold and so my phone rings and I desperately try to answer it but 80% of the time it won’t work at all and I start screaming at my phone and then my husband rolls his eyes and gently touches it and then it totally works and he looks at me like it’s my fault my phone doesn’t think I’m real.  

I’m pretty sure it’s the same technology used on this TV my grandparents had that was all 80’s-high-tech because the buttons on the TV could only be pressed by living flesh for it to work but it didn’t work for me at all and if I was the only person at their house I had to hold the dog up to the TV to change the channel.  And when I pointed out to the rest of my family that this was a dumb feature because it’s not like we’d had a problem with zombies or the refrigerator trying to change the channel they just rolled their eyes at each other like I just didn’t understand technology.

Pretty much the only way I can get my phone to respond to my touch is if I heat up my hands by rubbing them together really fast and then I look like Scrooge McDuck menacingly plotting to steal gold from orphans.  So basically this phone which is supposed to make me look cool makes me look even stupider than before.

What I really want is to be able to use one of those stylus pen things but apparently it would have to be a stylus made out of human skin and when I asked about it at Best Buy they made me leave the store.  At this point my only option is to go back to my old phone or to use the detached finger of a dead hobo which would be difficult because people get all up in arms about that sort of thing even if you do explain that he wasn’t using it and also it kind of takes away from the coolness factor of having an iphone if you have to use a dead hobo pointer to use it.  And now that I’m thinking about it I’d probably take his pinkie instead because it would be smaller and easier to press those tiny keyboard buttons.  But still there would be the problem with temperature because probably the dead hobo finger would be just as cold as my own finger unless I kept it in my bra or something.  I can’t help but think this would be less of a problem if the iphone responded to any touch and not just particularly warm flesh because then I could just use a pencil and not have to think about putting dead hobos fingers in my bra.  And also I’m always misplacing my pens so I’d probably have to cut all of the fingers off all the dead hobos I find so that I have back-ups when I misplace them which would be difficult because I’ve only found two dead hobos in my whole life and as much as I love technology I’m not about to start murdering hobos just so I can use my damn phone.  Anyway Apple, I can’t imagine I’m the only person with this problem so you should probably fix it before a rash of fingerless dead hobos start turning up all over America because that sort of thing can’t be good for your image.  Also, apparently I have a lot of readers from Finland and when they read this those people are probably going to start ripping off hobo fingers too and where Finland goes, so goes the rest of the world and then when the craze gets to Yugoslavia maybe they start ripping fingers off live hobos and blaming it on substandard iPhone technology and then where will you be, Apple?  Screwed.  That’s where. 

Save the hobos.  Save the world.

~Jenny

PS. I emailed this letter to Steve Jobs and he totally never responded.  It’s been almost an hour.  Horrible customer service.

Comment of the day:  I once rode the subway in NYC and sat across from a dead hobo. I rode all the way up to 200th and Brodaway and he didn’t move one iota. And the smell, OY. well, lets just say..he was dead. And nobody got up to tell the conductor or whatever they call them in those little closets in the train that there was a dead hobo on his A train. I am pretty sure it was the A train. The numbered trains seats are too small and uncomfortable for big American butts, dead or alive.
Anyway, this dead hobo didn’t seem to bother anyone but ME? I get mad drunk once and hurl all over the subway floor ONE LOUSY TIME and everyone is up in arms and going to pull the little guy out of his closet to show them. Well, excuse the hell out of me. The little guy in the closet didn’t do anything. He just looked at the floor and went back into his closet. I did. I got up and moved. It was kinda gross.   Anyway. Aside from the smell, the dead hobo on the subway didn’t bother me. I just sat there riding north, wondering what his life must have been like and how it came that he would die in a subway car. He didn’t move or breathe or anything. I got off at 200th. He must have been headed for the end of the line, that’s the next stop up.  ~ Always, Buddy

175 thoughts on “An open letter to Apple regarding dead hobo fingers”

Read comments below or add one.

  7. There must be an alternative. I really don’t want to read about you getting arrested by airport security because you were carrying a cigarillo case full of dead hobo fingers. I’m pretty sure iPhones work on capacitive discharge, not body heat, so a warmed-over hobo finger might not work anyway. The good news is that someone’s made an iPhone stylus especially for you (and zombies with iPhones). It’s for sale here. Not as cheap as a hobo finger but it probably smells better.

    Steve’s last blog post..Charlie Gibson Interviews Elbot

  9. I read this while warming my hands under my armpits and now realize I’ll never have an iPhone. However, I also realize the many uses of Hobos. Perhaps I can use their armpits for finger warming purposes.

  11. You know, if putting a dead hobo finger in your bra would keep it warm enough to answer the phone, perhaps you could just answer the phone with your boobs instead. You know, in the interest of the hobos. Would it help if I promised not to call you more than 3 or 4 times every hour?

  15. I want to know where Captain Dumbass keeps his dead hobo fingers. Jenny – there’s a new bra available in Asia spot to hold collapsible chopsticks. I’ll bet the pockets would be just the right size for dead hobo pinkies. Which would be a great name for a band, BTW.

    Middle-Aged-Woman’s last blog post..This was Motown. This was New France.

  16. I’m pretty sure this proves that you are a robot. Remember that movie A.I. when the kid is really a robot but he doesn’t know it? Was that A.I.? Or maybe some other weird kid robot movie? Anyway what I’m trying to say is that clearly you are a robot but you don’t know it. Probably your parents “adopted” a robot baby because they couldn’t have one of their own. Except this was back in the days before the iPhone and really, NO ONE could have seen that technology coming, so the scientists who created you didn’t give you fingers with human-like technology.

    I think you should stop complaining and just be grateul to have fingerprints.

    (Theory #2 is that you are an alien. I’m still working on that one, though. Either way, you can relax knowing that I AM TOTALLY ON IT.)

    bejewell’s last blog post..It’s What You Didn’t Become That Hurts

  18. Well dammit cut off hobo fingers if you have too! No one will miss them. I would, or possibly just the pads off of a kittens paws, then you could sew them to the tips of your fingers (then you will never lose them) and presto! Not to mention those pads are little so your typing would be quite precise!

    I would probably do anything for an iphone. I’m thinking about turning tricks on the corner to be honest with you. My husband is all “Your a stay at home mom, your laptop is basically attached to you what could you possibly need an iphone for” and I’m all “I HATE YOU, YOU DOUCHEBAG! YOU AND YOUR VALID POINTS!” Yep, prostitution seems like my only option!

    LovingDanger’s last blog post..Still Fatherless, Still OK

  21. I have the same problem sister. When my iPhone rings, I usually grab the fingers of the closest person next to me. I lick them (cause you don’t know where those fingers have been) then I swipe them over my phone. Works like a charm, plus I’ve met some super nice people.

    jenboglass (steenky bee)’s last blog post..I’ve Adopted Another

  23. I was thinking about this exact thing last night as I was sitting outside with gloves on because it’s cold but I still wanted to answer the phone but I couldn’t because the iPhone won’t let you with cold fingers or the solution of gloving them. Apparently it causes you to use run on sentences too.

  24. Dead hobo fingers, what a great idea! I’ve been using strangers’ fingers…every time the phone rings, I run up and grab a stranger’s hand to answer.

    Wait, I don’t have an iPhone.

    Maybe that was just a dream? I do have some hefty restraining orders now…

    Rhea’s last blog post..The 6th Picture

  25. I’ve been forced to write my own letter to Apple regarding my iphone. Hate the damn thing. I’m on #5 right now. They are sending me the new 3g for all my troubles. Yeah, no thanks. I’m selling it and buying a BlackBerry.

    I adore your blog!

    Sissy’s last blog post..A Sign?

  26. It will totally reverse itself when hot flashes arrive. I couldn’t use my touchpad on the laptop with hot flashes. I had to wipe my fingers with a towel.

    witchypoo’s last blog post..Great Contest

  27. I once rode the subway in NYC and sat across from a dead hobo. I rode all the way up to 200th and Brodaway and he didn’t move one iota. And the smell, OY. well, lets just say..he was dead.
    And no body got up to tell the conductor or whatever they call them in those little closets in the train that there was a dead hobo on his A train. I am pretty sure it was the A train. the numbered trains seats are too small and uncomfortable for big American butts, dead or alive.
    Anyway, this dead hobo didn’t seem to bother anyone but ME? I get mad drunk once and hurl all over the subway floor ONE LOUSY TIME and everyone is up in arms and going to pull the little guy out of his closet to show them. Well, excuse the hell out of me. the little guy in the closet didn’t do anything.He just looked at the floor and went back into his closet. I did. I got up and moved. it was kinda gross.

    Anyway. Aside from the smell, the dead hobo on the subway didn’t bother me. I just sat there riding north, wondering what his life must have been like and how it came that he would die in a subway car. He didn’t move or breathe or anything. I got off at 200th. He must have been headed for the end of the line, that’s the next stop up.

    always buddy’s last blog post..x totally looks like y

  28. Well, no iPhone for me then. I didn’t realize you needed to be room temperature, which despite my occasional hot flashes I rarely ever am.

    Cold fingers equals sassy brilliant women, did you know that? And we can still give the finger, even if we can’t use it to answer our touch phones.

    Annie’s last blog post..Can You Prove Your Loyalty?

  29. I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen a dead hobo. I don’t like to get close enough to hear if they are breathing, and I don’t want to kick them to see if they react, because they would probably ask for change, and it’s so hard to keep a shine on my shoes even without touching dirty homeless people.

    Kevin’s last blog post..America Gets a Colinic

  30. i actually hope you start a trend, because i’m a blackberry user, and i’m tired of the negative connotation having a “crack”berry gives me. i don’t need any more negativity in my life. so, i’d rather the tides of phone animosity shirt towards apple. fuckers.

  35. If you’ve seen two dead ones, then you must know where there secret burial ground is. Like where elephants go when they die, except with hobos.

    ps: I live right around the corner from there, but it’s a coincidence not because I dump all the bodies in the same place.

    Kurt’s last blog post..An Open Letter to My Nemesis

  38. Funny, I too thought of using my boobs, and since I live in Minnesota, for most of the year they’re just a pointy as my fingers. However, that proved impractical because, as I was doing it once, I accidentally pushed the camera button and uploaded the result to the church email list. I finally gave up a bought a blackberry, which, thank God, doesn’t have a camera.

  39. Maybe you’re better off keeping one hand under your armpit or possibly in your crotch that would keep it warm. The drawback would b people wondering if you have a bladder control problem or if you are Mary Kathrine Gallagher.
    But it might save you from everyone thinking you are, in fact, a zombie. What with your freakishly cool skin and the stench you’d be giving off from the dead hobo fingers in your bra.

    Woodlandmama’s last blog post..And So It Begins

  43. I don’t go to bars but I did take it to the apple store and tried some other ones and none of them worked for me and the chick helping me was like, “Wow. That’s weird.”

    It wasn’t very helpful.

  44. I know just what you mean. Whenever I’m standing at one of those public urinals – the ones with the automatic people-sensing flushers (you are familiar with these, yes?), it’s like I don’t really exist. Either that, or the urinal’s electronic eye has a minimum penis size requirement for automatic flushing and it’s just mocking me. [This is where some of you are making up a joke about using a dead hobo penis to fool the electronic eye. You people are truly sick. And besides, that’s not the only solution – I could always buy a Corvette.]

  45. Dear Jenny,

    You are very brave to have an iPhone, considering your handicap and all.

    I want one with every fiber of my being but I resist because they have a monopoly with AT&T. I hate Monoply.

    I’m waiting for Apple to get a grip but I’m not holding my breath since they can’t even get a dial tone with the (cold) finger, much less a grip.

    On another note, I love you so much. I rarely laugh due to heavy preoccupations with the past. You are the only one who has been able to consistently get through to me. Does that make you what my therapist should be? She should be worried about job security, if that’s the case. I could save a lot of money just “seeing” you. Do you charge for that kind of service?

    I also love your “commenters”–they make me scream with laughter almost as much as you do (I regularly drive my husband from the room when I read you within his hearing.) I have come to believe that hilarious readers are an homage to a hilarious writer because, take it from me, there are other sites where the author is rather funny at times but his readers are so dreary that it brings the whole house of cards down in one swipe of the comments.

    You AND your regular readers ROCK!!!

    I’m sending this one out to all and sundry. You should see a stat spike. What the hell is a BlackBerry, anyway?

    La Framéricaine’s last blog post..“TGIFrance!”

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  47. Dearest Bloggess,

    My iphone used to think I was a corpse too. I tried to use a pencil on my iphone but it didn’t work. I’m pretty sure that’s how I lost all my pencils. It was only after I quit smoking and the circulation came back in my hands that I could finally stop trying to type with my feet. So I feel your pain. And the pain of the poor de-fingered hobo. Apple should stop being prejudiced against dead people who are still alive. After all, we pay our bills on time. 😉

    Signed,
    Lifeless in Chicago

    Amy Derby’s last blog post..Review of Liz Strauss’ Ebook: The Secret to Writing a Successful and Outstanding Blog

  53. Yikes! That has to suck big time! My Voyager isn’t as cool as I thought it would be and hell if I can figure out the dang camera on it! WAAAAAHHH!

    Heather’s last blog post..THANK YOU!!!!

  55. definitley go with the pinkie – it’s really the cutest finger on a hand. and here is your solution…put it on a string, or lanyard! have the lanyard long enough that the pinkie rests between your bossoms (which I hear are quite busty), and there it will stay warm until you need it!

    tada!

    apparently, there are others that have cold fingers and might benefit from this solution. I’ll be opening up an etsy store soon to fill any other hobo pinkie needs. also keep an eye out for my stylish new lanyards…

  56. I KNEW that iPhones were the work of Satan.

    It is part of a larger conspiracy to rid the world of hobos, I think.

    I understand why you would keep your hobo finger in the bra to keep it nice and warm, but wouldn’t it be more fun to store it in your panties?

    Just tryin’ to help ya out.

    Great post!

    -Six

    Six’s last blog post..Carver Extraordinaire

  57. When the whole biometrics thing came out and they started using finger-print technology me and my group of geeky friends were joking about it – having a “ring of thumbs” so that you could open/unlock things! And lo and behold – that’s exactly what you need!

    VHMPrincess’s last blog post..The googlemaps car!!!

  58. Unfortunately I don’t have an Iphone so I have no reason to have dead hobo fingers–that’s not saying that I don’t have any but I don’t have a good reason to. Also, I’m going to warn the Houston area hobos to be on the lookout…

    gingela5’s last blog post..Today, Today I AM a Mom…

  59. I HIGHLY doubt all those ex-wall street bankers appreciate you calling them “hobos.” I think “financially challenged” is more PC…

    kate’s last blog post..Going Green

  60. I woke my iphone up with my tongue once, but it isn’t the kind of thing you can do in public without raising an “eyebrow” or two, so you’d have to answer in private… unless you are after that kind of attention…..

    clickmom’s last blog post..with a sneer

  61. I would think this would be a blessing. Think of all the crap you could get away with since nothing recognizes your finger’s touch, probably not even fingerprinting powder! You could commit the perfect murder! But then, you’d probably notice a little flap of wallpaper sticking out from the wall and it would completely annoy you and you would walk over and tear it off, just to tear off more of the ragged edges exposed and get caught by the police since you had to stick around and completely redo the guy’s interiors since you are that anal. So, there goes that theory.

  62. If you decide not to take the earlier advice about answering your phone with your nipple, perhaps you could buy a pound of sausages and use them. See a finger is just meat inside some skin, and so is a sausage so that should work. Sausages might also be good for when the radio isn’t working and you touch the antenna then it suddenly works. Also sausages are 99% hobo free in most states.

    Plus, all the dogs would totally love you. Victor would be all like “Why are the dogs following you?” and you could just explain that you are like one of those Disney princesses where the birds flutter down out of the trees to perch on you, only with you it’s dogs.

    Possible downside and solution: If one of those Texas dogs tries to eat you again, you could just throw him the sausage – or phone for help, but not both.

  63. I have hot hands. Like when people go ‘feel my forehead I have a temperature!’ and I feel it and they are all ‘HOT DAY-UM! Your hands are freaking hot! Get your freakish hot hands off me, and I do have a temperature you know.’

    My problem with the iphone is my nails. Not only do I have freakishly hot hands but I have freakishly long nails. And they are like strong as bones. And the damn iphone makes me have to type sideways and then I hit the wrong keys and people are all ‘Are you on drugs, WTF are you trying to type with your freakishly hot hands and weirdo fingernails?’

    I give up. Carrier pigeons sound like a good idea. But only if I can put a diaper on them to catch the poop. Cause pigeon poop in your hair ain’t a good look.

    Kelley’s last blog post..Moo speaks. And she is a biatch.

  65. Your phone sounds like my electronic front door lock. It recently decided I did not deserve entry into my own house, and when I called my husband, he made me go run errands till he got home. He just thinks I’m retarded, because the lock works for him, even if he’s using MY code. If you have any spare dead hobo fingers, send me some and I’ll see if they work on my door.

    Lori’s last blog post..Sometimes Size DOES Matter

  68. Maybe you need to narrow it down some to, like…dead BABY hobo fingers. They would type so much better on the Iphone being so tiny. And you could keep them warm by sucking on them, cuz baby fingers always make me wanna do that…But baby HOBO fingers would probably have lots of germs on them, so maybe you wouldn’t WANT to suck them (not a problem for ME, considering some of the things I’ve put in MY mouth). So yeah. Carry around a cheek full of dead baby hobo fingers.

    derfina’s last blog post..I got the jimmy legs

  69. LMAO Maybe you could ask your friend who you requested blood from, to send you one of HIS fingers. And I hate how small they make the damn keys on the iPhone. I have to use like a third of my fat ass finger to type anything. At least my fingers are warm. Why is that? Oh because they are fucking FAT!!!

    Tiffany’s last blog post..My Baby is 5

  70. I was considering getting an I-Phone (in my dreams because right now I can’t possibly look cool with my six kids and any type of phone) but if I do I’ll have to figure something out because my hands are always always cold due to poor thyroid function – oh there you go, I’ll write a letter to let Apple know that they are discriminating about those with serious medical conditions (thyroid)
    Because I have so much time in my hands…

  71. As the member of the ASPCH (American Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Hobos), please know that I have alerted our leadership and you will likely be hearing from our legal representation tomorrow.

    Fight Hobo Cruelty!

    Cara’s last blog post..Rappin’ Sarah

  73. Maybe you could employ one of the (live) hobos to answer your phone for you? He probably wouldn’t mind if you still wanted to keep his fingers in your bra. Just a thought, because if you befinger him, it would be hard for him to tie the bandana into a knot to hang on the end of his stick.

  76. Whoa. Okay, so, like I didn’t get the Blackjack or the Blackberry, b/c my fancy acrylic nails (porn star french manicure, thank you very much) kept slipping off the buttons. And I didn’t get the iPhone, b/c it was too expensive. Settled for the LG VU, which has a touch screen that totally responds to my acrylic nails…which aren’t even ALIVE…so…wow.

    If the iPhone won’t respond to the touch of porn star fingernails, then it’s a worthless piece of crap. OH! But you should totally have some porn star fingernails put on and try it out, just in case.

    Tiggerlane’s last blog post..Random on a Dreary Thursday

  77. You’ll just have to start sucking on your finger when you hear your phone ring.

    I understand your pain. My voice sets off all fax machines when there is a phone/fax combo.

    Lotta’s last blog post..Everday Stranger

  78. I would totally get a iphone, but they don’t carry them here where I live!
    I have a treo and I love it…when alltel and verizon combine, I’m gonna upgrade though..sweeeeet.

  79. I forget what I had but I had something that responded to touch and it would NEVER work for me. Also, the bathrooms at O’Hare airport in Chicago have those sensors and they think I’m invisible. I seriously could not wash my hands one time. I had to have another lady start the water for me. And just now, the motion detector on our outside light didn’t detect me. I don’t think it’s about hobos so much as it is about turning into ghosts randomly and against our will. I bet if you took a picture of yourself when your iPhone doesn’t recognize you – you wouldn’t show up.

    Lunasea’s last blog post..No on 8, Please

  81. I used to have freakishly cold hands all of the time, which caused similar button pushing problems (and lots of anxiety about shaking hands with other people)–sometimes a knuckle worked better for me (for the button pushing, not for shaking hands), but not always.

  83. Maybe if you dyed the hobo’s pinkie finger black then it would think it’s a pen and not act so cold so then it would actually work. And when you chop off the other back-up hobo fingers, make them into earrings so you won’t lose them..then people (in Japan) will think you’re cool cuz you’re all technology advanced and crap.

    Robin @ Party of Five’s last blog post..What PMS Really Stands For..

  87. Well, shit! I asked for one for my birthday last week but I didn’t get one because it seems my husband is a PC. I love my Treo but I want to look uber cool and also sync with my Mac, so I was thinkin’ about heading to the Apple store today and buying one for my damn self and telling my accountant that it was a business expense, but I have super cold hands ALL of the time, so I guess I wouldn’t be able to use it, either.

    Have you tried those hand warmers that hunters use?

  90. I so needed that laugh today.

    You do realize that removing the hobo finger would make it as cold as yours? May I suggest a hobo carrying backpack? It would be great for squats. Imagine the ass you could have!

    mrtl’s last blog post..Biker MRTL

  91. I have the opposite problem in that my fingertips must radiate heat like ET’s or something, because even with gloves on I can maneuver the clickwheel on my iPod.

    I always thought ET’s glowing fingers looked like Steakums, and alas I was unable to consume Steakums after that realisation. The rest of the 80s, culinarily speaking, were never quite the same.

    MsPrufrock’s last blog post..Swallow the Key

  92. You could warm your hands up using the Mary Katherine Gallagher method ~ warm up your fingertips in your armpits. It comes with the added bonus of, when you get nervous, like MKG, you could smell ’em. *sssssnnnnniiiiiiiiffffffffffffffffff*

    That would save the hobos. Though if you choose this method, and if (when) I ever get to meet you in real life, please don’t shake my hand. I’ll happily give you the two cheek kisses that foreigners do, but yeah, not so much on the handshake from your armpits, even though I’m sure you’re hygeinically sound and use deodorant and all that stuff.

    Makes you want to meet me, huh?

    Shutter Bitch’s last blog post..SassMouth Clarifies

  96. My problem is that my apparently normal sized hands function as creepy giant sausage fingers whenever capacitive discharge is at work so I end up squashing like 17 1/2 buttons when I’m just aiming for one.

    Miss Grace’s last blog post..Rememories

  97. Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha [gasp] bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

    My biggest concern about investing in an iPhone was that I would keep turning things off with my face. I didn’t realize that it would also entail the phalangial (is that a word, or did I just make it up?? Ehh, sounds good) decapitation of the dead hobo population of our great city. Although, I work on the other end of downtown from you and probably have a greater hobo population around my building than most (as we run the busses). Some may already be dead. I will keep my eye open. But just one eye. The other will be slammed shut cursing the folks at Apple for their silly phone.

    Elizabeth’s last blog post..Search Engine Terms – Bringing ya back for more

  99. Unless the iPhone is less proprietary than all other Apple products, you’ll have to make sure the Hobo was an Apple hobo, otherwise the fingers won’t work. You can buy genuine Apple hobos at the Apple Store, if you can’t find any in your area. They’re a little pricey, but they’re more stylish than regular hobos.

    Hello, Jenny the Bloggess.

  100. This is much like when I try to use the “motion sensor faucets” that never seem to sense my particular motion and I’ll spend five minutes waving my hands back and forth in front of the sensor and it never turns on. Then someone else, who apparently is not invisible, will approach and all the faucets turn on at once and then I frantically try to wash my hands before they finish checking their hair.

    Great. Now I’m having flashbacks.

    Alias Mother’s last blog post..Things I did instead of sleeping after the Buddha woke me up at 5 o’clock this morning

  101. I doubt you know because you don’t know me but I’m so selfish that I quit thinking about your problem half way through this post and gleefully relived the time that I told my niece who is the child of a Micro-Biologist and an Engineer that she should tell her parents when she gets home that she wants to be a train-hopping hobo when she grows up.

    Sorry about your stupid phone.

    Betsey’s last blog post..Betsey Booms Goes Shopping, Chaos Ensues

  103. You could wear just one glove. Your iGlove. Kind of like Michael Jackson did. And sure, it might be kind of weird, but it’s better for people to think you’re molesting young boys than cutting dead hobos.

    Karen’s last blog post..What real love looks like

  104. I think you could get away with the dead hobo finger for the duration of Halloween. People will think it’s a kitchy little seasonal gadget. At thanksgiving though you may have to break out a turkey foot which may look odd. You will have to give up for good at Christmas because everyone knows elf fingers are too small and cold.

    I hate iPhone…tired one final time to appreciate it this weekend by using my husbands and accidentally purchased four hood rat ringtones on his phone. He didn’t think it was nearly as funny as I did. 🙂

    The Stiletto Mom’s last blog post..Best Southern Belle Joke Ever

  105. Out of morbid curiosity, I googled “hobo fingers”. The first two hits (after this page, of course) were, and I quote:

    “Hobo fingers, apparently, make better stogies than cookies.”

    and

    “Hobo fingers are very high in calcium, which is vital for young children’s developing bones.”

    At first I thought there must be some sort of snack food called “hobo fingers”. Like Keebler Double Fudge Hobo Fingers or something. Nope. I checked. There ought to be, though. Maybe some sort of frosted, strawberry jam-filled sponge cake with an almond sliver for a fingernail and a pretzel stick shoved in it to make it crunchy. Kids’d love them.

    Steve’s last blog post..Charlie Gibson Interviews Elbot

  106. You know how in Med School, they use Pig Skin to mimick Human flesh? Well. I say use the Hobo fingers only as a Last Resort. Go with the Pig Skin.

    Or at the very Least….Pork Rinds might work. And that would totally make your iPhone smell yummy. Especially if you bought the BarB-Q kind.

    Dunno about Pork Rinds in your Bra though.

    cIII’s last blog post..Trust and Pennies

  108. Maybe you should put your hands in your bra the whole day and then your fingers would be warm enough to answer your phone. When people ask why you’re feeling yourself up, you could say you’re checking for lumps. Gotta save the Ta-ta’s and all that jazz. If they don’t put you in a round room with carpet on the walls, well you’ll be able to answer the dam phone. 🙂

    Issa’s last blog post..Holy smokes batman

  110. You know, Saturday night, four or five old, smelly guys showed up in the E.R. They were all missing the distal digits (a.k.a., pinkies) from their left hands. They all also said that an attractive, busty woman had showed up, with a half-gallon of vodka for each of them. They said that she told them, “You guys drink this vodka, and have fun. I’m going to write my blog for tommorrow, and I might be back later.”

    Since there is more than one attractive, busty woman in Texas, I didn’t think much of it, at the time. Then this blog post shows up on Sunday. Anyone remember the number for CrimeStoppers? If they really do pay $1,000 for info, I might just be able to buy myself one of those new iPhones!

  111. “Hobosexual” is going to make it into at least ten of my conversations today. A couple issues to work around – One: all the kids I babysit are younger than 3. Two: It would kinda sound like I have a cold.

    Obstacles: Most can be overcome with the appropriate use of explosives.

    The Cotton Wife’s last blog post..Peanut Harvest – Part III, The Drying

  112. I used to have the same problem with a game on the DS Lite. You would have to breath into the microphone to make Yoshi fly upwards, and for some reason no matter how I changed my breathing, it wouldn’t work for me. It would work for everyone else but not for me. It was my conclusion after that that I was officialy a zombie or a vampire.

  114. “… not have to think about putting dead hobos fingers in my bra.” I almost blew something out of my nose when I read that! (Then, my 3-year-old wanted to know what was so funny. Uh …)

    I, too, have an iPhone, and I, too, have issues with it from time to time. I hadn’t considered a hobo finger. If you find them online, please forward me the link.

    Mary Anna’s last blog post..Pumpkin Crisp

  115. Yeah, you lost me when you started in the with the geography. I was promised no math on this test!

    Here’s a thought. If you’re willing to stick an amputated hobo finger in your bra to keep it warmed up enough to access your address book, why don’t you just use that other warm nubby thing you keep in your bra?

    Hello! Nice warm nipple stylus, always handy and always WITH you…and if yours are anything like mine (thank you 3 kids), you can probably reach over and loan it to the guy sitting 3 seats down from you on the bus…which is being helpful and all.

    Anissa@Hope4Peyton’s last blog post..No kids allowed weekend!

  116. The dead hobo finger in the bra is totally gonna be on one of the CSI’s any day now.

    You’ve now made me thankful to be an uncool Crackberry user.

    Lori’s last blog post..Surrrioussssly

  117. i went to the obgyn today because my boob hurts and is bruised for no reason and google convinced me that i have breast cancer. i probably dont, but i might.

    if it turns out that i do, i will totally send you my boob to use. a. my nip is small enough to press the buttons. b. you would look much more fashion foward holding a jug rather than a hairy finger with rat crap under its nail. c. alive or dead, my boob will always be hawt because i am so damn sexay. d. the only problem i can forsee is storage. my boob is gigantic.

    maybe i will just send you the nipple.

    katie’s last blog post..sicktastic

  118. and i just noticed how weird it is that i am by far not the first person to suggest a nipple.

    though i may be the first person (in history) to offer send you my boob for the good of apple technology.

    katie’s last blog post..sicktastic

  119. You remind my friend and I of a friend of ours who died recently… oh shit, you stole his fingers, didn’t you?

  122. How about using Steve’s finger? From below. Since you’re now pretty convinced he’s living in a gas station. That makes him a hobo, right?

  125. I very nearly peed a little when I read this, and had to cross my legs as I caught up on your last few posts. Its nice to read a blog that rarely (read: never) disappointments when it comes to hilarity.

    Emily’s last blog post..Whats new?

  126. I like hobos. They’re the only people other than myself that think “potted meat” is a real food.

    Also, don’t you think it would be ironic to use a dead hobo finger when hobos probably won’t even know what an iPhone is? I do.

    Mmmm … potted meat.

  127. So does this mean if you have a 5 hobofingers in your bra, that you are being felt up by your impromptu styluses (styli?)??

    That’s cool and creepy at the same time. Good luck hobohunting.

    (sorry for the double post, I didn’t realize the comment link was above the post 🙂

    M@’s last blog post..Haiku

  128. A crazy hobo by my office pulled out a knife on a guy the other day (the guy was inside his truck but still) so hobos carry their own knives around if you ever need one.

    OH and electronic things don’t like me either. Every time I call my sister’s house her answering machine will not answer. It answers for everyone else, except me. I’ve tried tricking it by calling from different phones, but it still won’t answer. Wow! I just realized I have a great blog entry here for my own blog. Thanks Jenny!

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..Random Thoughts

  132. ^
    o.O Wow. That makes me feel better about wanting an iPhone but hating AT&T. I used to be a customer, but then they were Cingular, then they decided AT&T again… I don’t like companies with identity issues.

    Hobo and Homeless are two different things, but hobo is lots of fun to say.

    Melissa’s last blog post..Tip? I’ll give you a Tip!

  134. You know, Jenny, I had this same problem. Then I realized that cold fingers weren’t the actual problem… I have this habit of placing another finger on the screen at the same time and somehow this deactivates the touchscreen and therefore I couldn’t answer the calls. Once I remembered to keep my other digits clear… I haven’t had another problem.

    Just a thought. 🙂

    It’s probably just your sub zero digits.

    Polka Dot Mommy’s last blog post..Holy Cripes

  135. I have to admit that I did not read through every comment left on this post. With that being said you could have already received a similar offer…but, I would be happy to let you store my hands in your bra and then when you needed the warm touch of human flesh for your iPhone I would be right there to assist you.

    P.S. – Do we need Victor’s permission beforeHAND?

    Jeremy’s last blog post..Could it be?

  136. Gee, kind of makes me glad I can’t afford the newest technology and just have a crappy Motorola Razr.

  137. Mmmmmm. Dead man fingers stuffed in my bra.

    I felt bad for the hobos though. How about vampire fingers instead? Apparently, according to that new documentary on HBO, they’re “living” among us. Maybe they’ve solved the whole dead/cold thing? Nah, they’re probably colder than hobo fingers. Nevermind.

    Julie @ the calm before the stork’s last blog post..drool me a river

  138. you know if your bra keeps hobo fingers warm enough to work your phone then I bet your boobs are warm enough to work your phone – just use those

  141. I really can’t figure out which is worse…your problem or mine. You, can’t work it at all because of your dead cold fingers. I, on the other hand, (ha, get it?) hit four keys for every one letter. My texts look something like this: “ckdeoi skaj93 akdhjf?!”

    Kerrie’s last blog post..Believe

  144. Dear Jenny,

    I am not an employee of Apple, but I am extremely grateful for this open letter, as I am a developer of aerobic exercise equipment with attached heart-monitor features, and it has come to our attention that a small number of our users in fact have no heart rates at all when running at high speeds (or even low speeds) on our machines. We had all assumed that these were actually dead zombie hobos sneaking into gyms across the country and using the equipment on cold nights, but now I am a wee bit worried that these are in fact legitimate patrons of the establishments in question — patrons who either have no hearts at all (though that would seem to undermine the premise of working out on an aerobic machine) or whose hands somehow are not connected to their hearts. If we can engineer a fix for this, I will certainly contact you again with a solution that does not involve cavorting with (or dismembering) zombie hobos.

    Best wishes, and many thanks,

    The Tech Guy

    MommyTime’s last blog post..Tutu-torial

  147. Heehee 8) I have that same problem with my cold fingers and the Iphone. Ya know what they say “cold hands, warm heart” Blah, blah…

    One good thing about having a lower than average body temp is that mosquitos and tics like hot people better. (hot temp wise, cuz I’m hot in all the other definations of hot)

    Lauraszoo’s last blog post..Almost a year….

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  156. haha this is so funny! It’s almost exactly like something I would say! so great!

  157. Heeeeeeey… FINALLY another use for my stash of dad hobo fingers! Now I just need to get an i-phone.
    I took a sneaky picture of a hobo in a Tokyo train, cause I do stuff like that, and noticed AFTER it was loaded to the PC that he looked suspiciously like he’d shucked his mortal coil. I shoulda got you some fingers then…

    *sigh*

    Another missed opportunity.

    Christina’s last blog post..Yep, I’m a slacker

  160. That really is the greatest comment ever.

    I haven’t been on the subway with a dead guy, but I HAVE been on the subway with people who have groped me and with one dude who masturbated in my general direction. And once I was puked on by somebody else. But my favorite was the old man in the wheelchair who was like 90 years old. And he was all cute in his sweater vest and whatnot. Until I looked in his lap and saw his big-assed stack of hawt porn. Not just regular porn, either. Hardcore gay porn – like Studs & Spurs. Good for him, damnit.

    Anyway, I have that problem with my iphone sometimes, too. It makes me crazed.

    trannyhead’s last blog post..Dear Tranny Head: Questions on Disrespect and Self-Destruction

  161. I can’t afford an iphone so I don’t have the button problem, but there’s something wrong with my voice that makes voicemails hang up on me and voice recognition systems go berserk. You know when you call your bank and they say, “For account balance, say 1. For customer service, say 2. For your last five transactions, say 3.” I’ll be shouting “TWO. TWO. TWO!!!” into the phone and the recorded lady will say, “I heard ‘chocolate pudding.’ If that is correct, say ‘yes.'”

    New Duck’s last blog post..Ears, work, parents

  162. Hrm. Maybe I’ll have to skip the iPhone. Not because of my body temperature, but because I have horribly calloused fingers. I’d like to say that is from playing guitar so much, because I am like Yngwie Malmsteen with the axe, but that would be a lie. I have a pathological habit of chewing the flesh from my fingers. Ah well. Lemme know when they make a stylus that works, or you figure out the severed digit situation.

    Raging Dad’s last blog post..In others’ words

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  168. My first time reading your blog, and it cracks me up! Keep it going! Just wanted to say you will find all the hobos you need if you happen to be in Britt, Iowa in August. Seriously. The dead part might be tricky, though.
    http://www.hobo.com/hobofaq.htm

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  170. This is a case for Fingerless Gloves man! Okay…a little self-serving but in the new age of tiny keyboards attached to phones, fingerless gloves are the only way to go. Some women think they look trampy or punky but I disagree. Fingerless gloves make you look at least five years younger and twice as fun. Don’t believe me? Get a pair and start working your phone pad….as soon as you see ‘that’ guy looking your way…wink. Instant date!
    .-= Mike´s last blog ..Welcome =-.

  171. I had the same frustration with my iphone too. I almost wanted to just throw it away. 🙁 Well of course I’ve gotten over that phase. Thanks Apple. I enjoyed my iphone too but have gotten the iPad just recently but I’ve only been playing puzzle games though. I’d like you to try out StarFaces. Certainly one of the best iPad app. I had played this game on my iphone for a while and now I have it for ipad and its great! Love the photos option

  172. I share your frustration Jenny. I have what has been affectionately coined ‘The Cold Icy Hands of Death’.

    I too cannot work anything that requires the body heat of a living creature. iPhones are my nemesis. Followed closely by my new Mac Book Air with track pad feature instead of a normal clicky mouse.

    My Aunt sent me Japanese Hand Warmers but they leave black marks on my hands so I end up looking like an extra from Oliver Twist.

  173. I hope this doesn’t offend anyone, but my family affectionately calls me “The iTard” because my fingers don’t work on the I phone. I will be stuck with Blackberry forever.
    -Mary Swanson 🙂

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