I’m not even sure why we *have* katanas anymore

So the other day I was wearing the only clean thing in my house, which was a beach sarong that’s basically two giant scarves tied around my neck, and it’s super-comfy but at the slightest breeze it flies open to reveal my nipples to the world.  This is called foreshadowing.

So I ran some errands and when I parked in front of my house I saw Quiet Asian Guy in his yard and considering how often he’s seen me naked I was mindful to arrange my scarves and exit the car all lady-like and  I was feeling very smug about not showing my junk to the neighbor when I tripped on something and practically broke my ankle but I still kept hold of my scarves with a death-grip because I have determination but then I turned back to see what I’d tripped on and it was A GIGANTIC FUCKING SNAKE and this is where I totally lose. my. shit and run into the house with my scarves flying wildly behind me, and I’m screaming at Victor to get a gun and I run to grab a sword and then Victor gets all yelly that I’m overreacting just because I wanted to use a katana to slice up a snake in the street.  Because he loves snakes and wants me to die.  Apparently. 

So we go back outside and the snake is still there but his head is sqwooshed so Victor thinks I probably ran over him with my car when I was leaving which means it was UNDER MY CAR WHEN I GOT IN, like in those emails where the gang member is hiding under your car and he slices your achilles tendon for his gang initiation, except this is even worse because instead of a gang member it’s a snake who doesn’t have a knife so he’s going to have to chew your achilles tendon in half.  Yeah.  So now you get why I was so freaked out.   So then I realized that no one would believe this so I took a picture of the snake but I couldn’t capture how HUGE it was and I needed something for scale so I grabbed some coins to throw at the snake but I didn’t want to get too close because it could be faking death to lull me into a false sense of security.  So I’m tossing nickels at it but they’re all bouncing off and rolling away and that’s when I realized that I’m standing in the street throwing change at a dead snake like it’s some sort of performing monkey with an accordion.  So I tried a few more coins before I remembered how bad I was at “quarters” in college and then Victor noticed I’d swiped his change bucket and started yelling at me that I’d better be picking that shit back up and of course that was not going to happen so I just kicked the change into the storm drain and walked closer to take a semi-closeup of the dead animal I ran over for you, gentle reader, because I’m a blogger who cares.  Would Guy Kawasaki do that for you?  (Answer: Probably not because I’m pretty sure they don’t have snakes in California.)  And I thought about putting a little tip jar beside the dead snake just to fuck with whoever found him next but I didn’t want to get that close and also I didn’t have a tip jar.

 

I added the bear and the lightening bolts because the picture didn’t capture just how fucked-up the whole thing was.  And that’s why now when I get into my car I have to circle it first, looking underneath it for snakes and then when I get in I leap into it from several feet away just in case a snake is hiding in the wheel-well, except that when I did it this morning I misjudged the height because when I jumped in I  totally slammed my forehead into the roof of the car and I panicked because I could feel myself about to fall backward onto the asphalt and all I could think about was how much it would suck to get bit in the eye by the wheel-well snake and so I desperately grabbed the steering wheel and caught it although I did break two nails which sucks but is better than being bit in the eye by a snake. 

And also I lost my checkbook.  That’s not related to the snake thing but it sucks too.

Comment of the day:  See, that’s one of those Driveway Vipers. The squished head with the tire tracks is just camouflage. Its hunting method is adapted for a suburban environment. First, it sneaks into your driveway and plays dead under your car, being careful to avoid the tires. You dispose of the “dead” snake but you’re so freaked out that you start doing stuff like leaping into your car and smacking your head on the door frame. Next thing you know, you’re lying in your driveway with a concussion, at which point the snake returns to chew your Achilles tendons at its leisure.   You got off lucky. Your best defense at this point is to start wearing a helmet when leaping into your car.  We’re doomed, people. The snakes are out-evolving us. It’s only a matter of time before one starts camouflaging itself as a katana and then you’d be standing in your driveway trying to kill the squished head snake with the katana snake while the Sunday paper snake sneaks up behind you. ~ Steve

256 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Well at least he had a last meal. Did you ask Victor to check out what the two little lumps are in the middle of the snake? That means you were probably safe…since it had just eaten and was no doubt too busy digesting to move. Still sucks. The snake and the checkbook.

    Wanda’s last blog post..Just a stroll in the park

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  2. If I had to guess I’d say the lumps were undigested pieces of achilles tendon from his last victim.

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  3. Dude. Vacation. Soon.

    Many drinks, lots of sand, no snakes and no katanas. Stop throwing change at dead runover animals and realize that you are a powerful woman who will make things dead with a thought and add lightning bolts and bears who talk if they even THINK of messing with you.

    Go on sistah, you jump in your car. Just wear a helmet next time.

    M@’s last blog post..A disagreement with my knees

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  4. The snake totally stole your checkbook. It makes complete sense.

    Nikki’s last blog post..For Sale: One Neurotic Cat

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  5. I tried to get foreshadowed this weekend, but it didn’t work out.

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  6. Forget the snake chewing on your heel, what about the venom?

    Kristine’s last blog post..Missing Baby

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  7. I am pretty sure I would just leave my car where it is and go get a new one. That way, no snakes would get me because they would think I never left the house any more.

    MayB’s last blog post..Weekend visitor

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  8. We found a snake in our new driveway of our new house in the country the day after we closed. I quit unpacking and I’m still waiting for us to move back to our old house. Of course, that was three years ago and I haven’t seen another snake since then.

    Melessa’s last blog post..To My Sisters in Zion

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  9. I think Quiet Asian Man
    a)saw what you were wearing so he planted the snake hoping to see you naked again
    b)went into the storm drain to retrieve the coins
    c)has your check book and is buying more snakes

    Karyn’s last blog post..White Ponies and Unicorns

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  10. I just can’t even try and be witty and come up with repartee to match your humor because I am sitting here at work, choking back my sniggers about “that’s when I realized that I’m standing in the street throwing change at a dead snake like it’s some sort of performing monkey with an accordion” or “panicked because I could feel myself about to fall backward onto the asphalt and all I could think about was how much it would suck to get bit in the eye by the wheel-well snake.”

    I am literally sitting here trying not to look like a crazy person choking back giggles, but at the same time, I have to because I don’t want laugh out loud and have people in the office come over and ask what I’m laughing about…because then I’d have to try to explain Jenny the Blogess to them, and I’m not sure the Dean’s office is ready for spermophile squirrels.

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  11. A friend of mine once rolled her boyfriend’s truck when she thought there was a grasshopper in the cab with her. Until today that was the oddest “a living thing might spring from my car and attack me” story I ever heard. Now you are the owner of that title. Plus, your story involves nipples and who doesn’t like that?

    Jen @problem girl’s last blog post..We just always love Obama

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  12. We don’t have snakes in NY unless they’re made into shoes. I think it’s better that way.

    mom101’s last blog post..Safe toys for kids this holiday: Good thing to buy if you ask me

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  13. De-lurking just to mention that your commenters are almost as wicked witty as you. Me=totally intimidated. Almost as intimidated as you were by the homicidal zombie snake.

    Dory’s last blog post..What do I win? Are there at least some fabulous parting gifts?

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  14. Sqwooshed!

    Marinka’s last blog post..Victoria’s Secret: They Hate You

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  15. It’s patently clear that the two bumps are what remains of your checkbook. Of course you had to run him over – the nerve of him hanging around digesting what’s left of your checkbook. Some (all) snakes just need killin’.

    Danielle Bourgeois’s last blog post..Happy Halloween!

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  16. Thanks for that! You got my day stared in the right way. Also, snakes might be scary but they’re good luck!

    Fivestar’s last blog post..“Sweet the Sting”-Tori Amos Cover

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  17. Are you sure you didn’t get bit by something? Because I’m pretty sure you have rabies.

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  18. Please tell me where you live again so I can never move there. 😮

    Amy the snakeaphobe’s last blog post..Memories and dreams

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  19. The snake had probably read your last post about the squirrels and thought surely you must have some squirrels about to be writing about them so often, and then while waiting for you to come out to ask about the squirrls and for an autograph, he hid under your car so as not to scare you and wasn’t actually sure it WAS you since you know, you weren’t wearing your curlers that day. So, because you were running late, he fell asleep there under your car. Then you backed over him. So, technically, you killed a fan of your blog. You can scratch that off your to do list now.

    Sprite’s Keeper’s last blog post..HASAY# 4: HASAY, Can You See?

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  20. Was there a rectangular shape to the snakes abdomen before you mooshed it? Cause then you might right well find your checkbook. But if he can’t use your checks to get a coffee or something, I’m sure he could use the change to grab one. However you might have bigger problems because I’m not sure that snakes are covered under identity theft provisions at the bank. I mean, metaphorical snakes are covered (like really shady dudes), but I don’t know about ACTUAL snakes.

    Wait, you said they were unrelated? Ok, forget all that.

    autumndahlia’s last blog post..Photostory Friday – This place is going to the humans

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  21. I agreel Quiet Asian Dood planted the snake and set up the hidden camera and we’ll be seeing the YouTube video in 3…2…1…

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  22. Fucking snakes. Fucking, fucking snakes.

    Mad’s last blog post..The October Just Posts

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  23. I’m not proud to admit I saw “Snakes on a Plane”, but if I learned anything from that movie, it would be you didn’t need to worry about the snake chewing your Achilles tendon in half; a chastity belt and lead-enforced bra would’ve served you much better than katanas and guns…

    …cause acording to SOAP, snakes like crotches and breasts…!

    You’re welcome.

    Robin ~ PENSIEVE’s last blog post..Don’t judge me…every once in a while, a girl just falls into sin!

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  24. Uh…it’s against the law to kill snakes in my state. Not like that ever stopped my husband.

    OMG…I can’t even look at the picture, b/c it’s making me all queasy inside. And look at all the BLOOD! For some reason, I think snake blood should be yellow. B/c they’re all evil inside. Just sayin’.

    Tiggerlane’s last blog post..NaBloPoMo Day Ten – Fun Monday, in Honor

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  25. OMG that snake is fucking huge!

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  26. dude.. snakes in california? hello!! they have rattle snakes there, bitch. yeah, try going into your garage to get in the car to go to work in the morning and wondering what the hell the baby is doing out there shaking it’s dang rattle.. oh wait, the baby is still in the crib! oh shit, there’s a huge rattle snake slithering on the floor of the garage next to my driver’s side door! screw that.. i’m calling in ‘snake’ today..

    true story.

    churchpunkmom’s last blog post..Fun With Squirrels..

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  27. I bet Quiet Asian Guy planted the snake so he could catch a glimpse of the hoohoo and you totally ruined it for him not displaying the goods and then mocking his snake with nickels.

    Carolyn Online’s last blog post..Not news.

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  28. Dear Jenny,

    You are so very brave and you deserve a medal. Plus, you did all this without showing your nipples to your neighbor, which is high class, admriable, and neighborly.

    When my daughter was 3, my husband was taking pictures of her in the garden, next to the scarecrow. He was artfully arranging the scarecrow’s hat when a snake slithered out of it.

    Operating on pure instinct, he says, he grabbed the innocent child and hid.behind.her. so the snake wouldn’t get him. He claims he was somehow protecting her, but I saw the whole thing from the kitchen window.

    He was not so brave, but we didn’t haved a sword.

    juliejulie’s last blog post..Hiking Half Dome, Startup Companies, and Anxiety Attacks

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  29. While the bear and the lightning bolts were descriptive they were also totally unnecessary because I assure you that any picture of a snake is plenty fucked up for me.

    Girl Friday’s last blog post..The Change I Expect

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  30. I thought at first the whole thing was a metaphor where the quiet Asian dude represented your desires while the snake was an attorney (of course) and the car was a blatant disregard for convention. The nickles were a pathetic attempt to make things right.

    That’s not the case?

    RhodesTer’s last blog post..The weirdest directions I ever gave..

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  31. Thank you; I think you just cured my bronchitis. I laughed so hard just now that it made me start coughing and well, no need to worry about my lungs anymore.

    WaltzInExile’s last blog post..Pass/Fail

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  32. Ok, snakes are the second reason I don’t live in Texas. The first one is hurricanes. I used to say George Bush, but he just got run over, too.

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  33. omigod, I’m laughing here. Your weekend totally beats my weekend where I got to watch a middle-school play ans see Mamma Mia the movie.

    I’m pretty sure we have no snakes in my neighborhood.

    kristin’s last blog post..Mamma Mia

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  34. Why do I read ur posts? You’re too funny!

    BTW, I tend to agree with Karyn.

    Also, when I saw ur post in the Kawasakied category and you mentioned a quiet asian guy, i thought there’d be a surprise twist where somehow Guy was involved, but guess not…

    Now that I think about it, why are you using checks anyway? Heard of online banking? 😉

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  35. OMG!!! A snake once slept in one of the rims of my car. I was leaving for my 8am class at 7ish in the morn and I saw the damn snake all curled up. I got so scared that I ran like a bitch and the first thought that I had was “Go to mom and dad, go to mom and dad”.

    So I ran to my parents room, jumped into bed with them screaming there’s a snake at my car. Then we all freaked out and called the firefighters but by the they got there the snake was gone.

    The moral of this story, if you are 21 years old and you found a snake sleeping in one of the rims of your car please do not jump into bed with your parents. Cause they will never let you live it down and tell all your relatives all about and it and your relatives will never let you live it down too.

    the constantly dramatic one’s last blog post..You filthy Pizza Hut bastards!! This is not over.

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  36. I think you need one of those mirrors on a long pole like they have at military base entrance points. That way you can look for snakes and bombs at the same time.

    Jane’s last blog post..You can tell a lot about a person . . .

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  37. Wait a minute, there’s a lightbulb over my head… ANKLE ARMOR! To protect your Achilles tendon from lurking gang members and snakes and bears and lightning and other shit under your car!

    This sould be my million dollar idea. Finally!

    Thanks, Bloggess. And no, you can’t have a cut.

    (Pun totally intended.)

    bejewell’s last blog post..I Didn’t Write a Post Today

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  38. I’d want to slice that bitch up with a katana too.

    Love the pic… the lightning bolts definitely add drama!

    Tatiana’s last blog post..Hell on High Heels

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  39. Shit, that was fookin’ hilarious!! Sorry you hit your head though.

    But you handle it well, I must say. I would have lost my shit if I saw a snake and took off down the road…never to return to my snake-tainted street. You had the presence of mind to grap a Hitori Hanzo sword. Badass!! So, I applaud you!

    Akilah Sakai’s last blog post..Shrek on Broadway

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  40. Wild Kingdom with naked girls. Your neighbourhood is awesome.

    Captain Dumbass’s last blog post..My Womb Twitched

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  41. Oh. My. God. You’re lucky you didn’t die. Those missing wallets are dangerous, missy!

    Cat’s last blog post..Ok, Now This Is Getting Kind of Ridiculous

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  42. This kind of post makes me scared to leave the house…for so many reasons.

    Rhea’s last blog post..Vampire Giveaway

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  43. Dudette, you totally need a pet MONGOOSE. They go all Riki-tiki-tavi-assed on snakes!

    derfina’s last blog post..Friendship…And a Contest!

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  44. @Karyn and @Jozet and @Carolyn are on to something.

    But I don’t believe in conspiracy theories.

    QAG doesn’t breed or plant or train snakes. And his cameras are carefully aligned to get daily shower shots, not occasional driveway drama. But I bet he did kill that snake. With a sledgehammer. Which is way bigger than your kitana and would totally smoke it in a wrestling match.

    And he killed it save you. Because that’s what good neighbors do. Kill snakes. And protect achilles tendons.

    Jake’s last blog post..Another Election

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  45. I laughed so hard I cried. And that’s saying something.

    Honeybell’s last blog post..Completely Random Crap I Thought About While Driving Home

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  46. See, that’s one of those Driveway Vipers. The squished head with the tire tracks is just camouflage. Its hunting method is adapted for a suburban environment. First, it sneaks into your driveway and plays dead under your car, being careful to avoid the tires. You dispose of the “dead” snake but you’re so freaked out that you start doing stuff like leaping into your car and smacking your head on the door frame. Next thing you know, you’re lying in your driveway with a concussion, at which point the snake returns to chew your Achilles tendons at its leisure.

    You got off lucky. Your best defense at this point is to start wearing a helmet when leaping into your car.

    We’re doomed, people. The snakes are out-evolving us. It’s only a matter of time before one starts camouflaging itself as a katana and then you’d be standing in your driveway trying to kill the squished head snake with the katana snake while the Sunday paper snake sneaks up behind you.

    Steve’s last blog post..Two-Tone Robo Wingtips

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  47. Video including everything or it didn’t happen.

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  48. I have mice in my car. Somehow, they’ve made it into the glovebox to nest. And they wander all throughout the car at night and leave little turds and spray invisible urine everywhere.

    I’d be checkin’ more than just UNDER the car. Just sayin’. (I know. I suck.)

    mommypie’s last blog post..Doogs Weekend #10: Quick, what’s your porn name?

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  49. Man, thank God you lived to tell the story cause it was pretty awesome.

    Petra’s last blog post..Ode to My Husband

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  50. OMFG! This totally skwicks me out. Remember that episode of Highway to Heaven where the snakes come up the toilet? Yeah, this is like that! And now I won’t be able to pee without thinking of it and so I’ll have to hold it all day and it’ll totally be ALL YOUR FAULT!

    I’m seriously so weirded out that I can’t move. Hey, maybe Asian Guy was out looking for his pet snake and you found it!

    Ruby Soho’s last blog post..I’d like to give a big “FUCK YOU” to November.

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  51. Dude lady, we are long lost twins. It seems to me you handled this entire situation appropriately.

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  52. This reminds me of when I was younger and we’d spot a snake in the yard. My mom would get out the lawnmower and chase it around until she chopped it to bits. Not because she was afraid of snakes or anything like that, but because they are the devil (Garden of Eden, apple, whatnot).

    Also, I don’t think the snake stole your checkbook, or if it did, you don’t need to worry about it. Snakes can’t write checks. Snakes don’t have hands. Not even magical ones.

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  53. […] ever wondered what I’m like when I’m panicking/stressing/overreacting, please read this post*from Jenny the Bloggess and then feel free to send Brian email telling him what a saint he is.  I […]

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  54. So, when I moved to Philadelphia from Tucson I thought it be a brilliant idea to drive cross-country by myself in a falling apart Volvo in the days before cell phones. It was August and my car didn’t have air conditioning so I decided to start the trip at night to get through the desert before it was 120F. Late at night, somewhere in New Mexico, I had to pee so I stopped at a really sketchy rest area. Visions of axe-murderers were bad enough but while walking up to the building I saw a sign that said “Watch our for rattlesnakes”. Ok, great now I have to hope a rattlesnake doesn’t bite me in the ass while my head is being chopped off by an axe-wielding maniac. I wasn’t sure which I was more frightened off – I guess the rattlesnakes. There weren’t any signs warning me about axe-murderers.

    What does this have to do with your story? Not much but it’s the only snake story that I got.

    Kim Woodbridge’s last blog post..Using Controversy to Attract More Blog Comments – Does it Work?

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  55. You’ll have to do better than this to scare me away as a reader.

    But I should point out that California does so have snakes. Huge, poisonous, aggressive rattlers. Like the size of boa constrictors.

    And I’ve personally seen Guy Kawasaki walking down the street with three of them wrapped around his neck. Because he “whispers” them. He’s like a snake charmer. He doesn’t have to resort to vehicular homicide to kill snakes. He’s that good.

    Something for you to aim for.

    Lisa Paul’s last blog post..Yes, Too Much Cuteness Can Be Dangerous

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  56. Oh how you make me laugh! I think I love you.

    Ashley’s last blog post..Day 9 ~ Pumpkin Oatmeal White Chocolate Cranberry Cookies

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  57. I bet this will totally be like that movie “Final Destination” and now that you’ve avoided death by snake, you’re destined to die in a more horrible fashion, like being eaten alive by roaches.

    Avitable’s last blog post..Method 4,982 to break blogger block

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  58. I’m super self conscious right now because Dad Gone Mad dissed me and said my comments incessantly seek attention and validation from him and other bloggers. I would’ve left a comment but I didn’t want to perpetuate his low opinion of me. Wait. Am I doing it again? Fuck. Dad Gone Mad’s like a psychologist or something.

    Black Hockey Jesus’s last blog post..Shipwreck

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  59. yeah, i used to see snakes around my car all the time, but then i stopped dropping acid. so should you.

    muskrat’s last blog post..on elimination

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  60. If it were any way possible for me to love you more than I already do, this post did it. Thank you.

    Rachie’s last blog post..Find the rapist before he finds you.

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  61. OMG – you phuking slay me! I dedicate the half-masticated glob of spaghetti I just laughed onto my screen to you, dear Blogess.

    Lucy’s last blog post..Best quote I’ve heard in a while

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  62. You’re practically like Marlon Perkins.

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  63. I think that the snake was wanting to commit suicide so it decided that your car was the best method to die.

    So, you actually are an accomplice to assisted suicide.

    And your checkbook, it was disgusted by your actions and decided to leave you.

    Jenifer’s last blog post..He’s my pick up man…

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  64. You almost just made me pee.

    Cynical Nymph’s last blog post..A Francophone-phile On The Palin Prank

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  65. not only did this post not make me want to unsubscribe, but now i wish i lived next door to you. as long as the snakes stay on your side.

    kerry’s last blog post..OMG, i think hell just froze over!

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  66. This is exactly the way I react whenever I see a bee or a big spider. We don’t get many snakes here, probably because they’re scared of me and the katana. But the bees and spiders are apparently not so wise. Harder to hit with a katana or bullets, but way more stupid.

    I think you should totally slice up the snake to get your chequebook back. It was obviously swallowed whole.

    Momma Trish’s last blog post..J, he’s got a …

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  67. You should fill your wheel-wells with mongooses (mongeese?) while you’re gone. That will take care of everything. Keep your checkbook away form them though. You know how they are with money.

    Jim’s last blog post..I’ve moved

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  68. Jenny, only you.

    God girl, you are a riot. Thanks for the huge freaking guffaw.

    BTW, I totally used to own snakes 😉

    Rachel – A Southern Fairytale’s last blog post..The Sister She Always Wanted

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  69. Although the set-up nipples didn’t get the bookended wrap-up I was expecting, your deliver is divine — and your checkbook tag is priceless. Write more.

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  70. I totally got the way you leapt into the car to avoid wheel well snakes. I used to jump in and out of bed that way to avoid under bed snakes, not to be confused with regular bed snakes, like husbands sport.

    witchypoo’s last blog post..Best contest Ever

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  71. The thing you have appropriately taken into account here is that wheel-well snakes can *only* survive if they get a chance to strike. If they fuck that up they’re roadkill. That makes them super-deadly. And super-rare. So kudos for your skilled taxonomy and ninja abilities.

    ps: We need katanas so that I righteous vigilantes can kill all the people who laughed at me in high school with fierce vengeance.

    Kurt’s last blog post..Singles

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  72. Sadly, I totally can relate to this story, except I didn’t trip over the snake in my driveway. I just saw it, screamed like a wounded bag of cats and told my children to jump out of the car and run like the wind.

    My husband wasn’t home, but did have the mind to laugh at my story and not come home to kill the large snake that surely was slithering away to get it’s friends to feast on me and my kids and not scared from the fact that I just broke it’s eardrums.

    SoMo’s last blog post..Stimulating the Economy and Smacking Myself, Really Hard

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  73. Is the bear drawn to scale? Cause that’s more helpful than a nickle.

    xoxo, SG

    ShallowGal’s last blog post..Things that make ShallowGal go hmmmm

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  74. I need a xanax after reading that tale of woe. Check your address for my mailing address. Send immediately

    alwaysbuddy’s last blog post..Suddenly..

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  75. All I can think is: where the hell do you live where there are venemous snakes at your HOUSE???!!?!?! What? Are you the Bloggess of the Bayou? HOLY CRAP!

    And now that I’ve calmed down from that, it occurs to me that not only do you have swords, but…you keep them near your door. Are they…part of your home defense system? Is this part of the whole ninja-test-system?

    rebekah’s last blog post..Funkywonder strikes again!

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  76. I’m pretty sure you’ve ruined the following for me, forever:

    The carefree way I enter my car, without jumping being involved.

    Finding a penny and picking it up for good luck, without wondering if it was a prop for some blogger trying to scale a picture for the Internet.

    Like

  77. So did he see your nipples?

    Miss Grace’s last blog post..NaBloPoMo: I excel at embarrassing my friends

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  78. My assumption is that he probably did see my nipples but since it was as I was screaming and running into the house yelling for a gun he might have been too scared to appreciate them.

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  79. I’m afraid I’d have to sell my house and move. Snakes are evil. And although the Bible CLEARLY STATES they’re evil, I live in the land of bible thumpers who dance around with snakes on Sunday morning.

    And yeah.. why have Katanas if you can’t slay Satan with them.

    I do think it’s odd that you gave it a love offering though.

    Mahala’s last blog post..Hooters, Dreams and Standing Up

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  80. ewwww, I guess Hailey will have to clean the driveway?

    Catizhere’s last blog post..One down, 19 to go

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  81. I hate being the 80th person to comment. Oh well. I guess I’d better be quicker next time.

    That story just made my day. Is that blood on the driveway? Did you check your shoes? Seriously, that story is so effing crazy. However, I’m sure it was a good fall – definitely noteworthy, though the snake sorta outshined that part of the story.

    SassyTwoSocks’s last blog post..Cat haiku

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  82. Ok, you had me all confused…when I think of the word “katana” I think of the phone from Sprint…plus I can’t believe you killed a snake–PETA’s going to be all over you for that one.

    gingela5’s last blog post..The Meaning of Compromise…

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  83. AAAACCCKKKK!! I hate snakes.

    goodfather’s last blog post..Bedtime routine

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  84. Don’t be mad at the snake, he was just sticking up for the sperm loving squirrel…you are a walking, talking episode of “when animals attack”. Which…may not be a good thing. 🙂

    The Stiletto Mom’s last blog post..An Open Letter To Facebook

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  85. actually, in CA we have snakes…and tarantulas (sp?). But what is much scarier, is that here in CA we have these freaking terrifying things called “environmentalists” (AKA Leonardo DiCaprio and various other celebrities) who like to yell at me as I drive my SUV while teasing my hair with some aquanet. And then I almost got into an accident cause PETA threw a bucket of blood at my car cause I had the interior lined with baby seal and then I couldn’t see but I was like “dude, that better be human blood” cause I would be completely saddened if PETA used animal blood cause they are supposed to protect the animals and it would be totally hypocritical if they used like pig blood. so yea, I’m sorry about your snake “incident”…

    p.s. I’m still waiting for Leonardo DiCaprio to wisk me off to Vegas for our quickie wedding but I think he’s stuck in traffic. If you see him let me know….

    Like

  86. Snake’s all:

    “I found yer checkbook, but I ated it.

    Also am ded now, thnx”

    Love the picture.

    Nervous’s last blog post..Everyone Has Their Reasons

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  87. Jenny, I think the universe does these things to you so that you can totally rock the blog.

    Andrea’s Sweet Life’s last blog post..Shhh! I Sleepin’

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  88. GREAT. Thanks a lot. A finally got over being convinced that every plane I get on is crawling with snakes and now I’m going to have to sell my car because YOU JUST NEVER KNOW.

    miss thystle’s last blog post..Oh, Schnapp!

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  89. Smashed snake head. The only word that comes to mind is, “Awesome.” Because I hate snakes.

    blissfully caffeinated’s last blog post..Feeling Like Such A Mess

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  90. Honestly, that snake doesn’t really look that big, nothing to be scared of anyway…unless it actually had lightning bolts shooting out from it’s body, that’s when you run into the house screaming and showing your jumblies to the neighborhood. On a related note, THIS is a big snake:
    http://www.glumbert.com/media/pythoneat

    residuetiger’s last blog post..America

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  91. You shall now be known as Jenny, the Snake Killer. You need a new URL and Twitter account.

    Like

  92. Too funny! The only thing I can say is at least you didn’t end up trapped in a catfood bin.

    http://ourownoasis.blogspot.com/2008/11/another-alabaster-story-tale-of-critter.html

    Fran’s last blog post..I’m a winner! Proximidade!

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  93. What’s with all the blood splatter in the driveway? Doesn’t look like it’s just from the snake. Do you guys line shit up to drive over it so you can blog about it later?

    Can you do a horse next?

    Clayjack’s last blog post..Spotted on the Way to the Job Site

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  94. Men and snake love? What is up with that? Last spring on our honeymoon, my husband and I were hiking down a trail called, aptly it would turn out, Snake Road (and we were oblivious) when I nearly hiked right over a baby rattler. In Illinois!! There should be snakes that far north in my opinion.

    So what does my husband do? Asks for the camera and then pokes at the snake so it will kept it’s little baby mouth open and he can get a good picture.

    Oh and I was told that I had scared the poor thing.

    annie’s last blog post..Now that Obama is President is the Monday Meme

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  95. We have a friend who was telling us how we really should come and visit him in Texas. As the night wore on, and he drank more, he began telling us about how they have snake boots next to the back door and that before the kids can play in the backyard, he has to go beat the bushes and make lots of noise to scare the snakes away. Ya, I don’t f-ing think so.

    Oh, and about the snake playing dead… once I found a live rattler in my grandpa’s chicken coop. We ran to the house and all the men in the family came tromping back out with hoes and shovels and, honest to God, a gun. After its head was completely gone, my uncle picked the body up. It was at this point that the reflexes kicked in and the body wrapped around his arm and he momentarily forgot that headless snakes can’t actually hurt you and he freaked and tossed the snake. And it landed on my aunt’s back.

    True story.

    Wendy’s last blog post..A Little Bit of Strange

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  96. I think I almost fainted just hearing you retell that story. *shiver*

    I do not understand why snakes need to be all out in the open like that. Can’t they just hide in some abandoned forest and stay there so we can all live our lives in peace?!

    Wasps too!

    Like

  97. Jenny – I love you. That’s all

    kateanon’s last blog post..for my fellow Scorpio

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  98. That image is the perfect crappy Indie band album cover. Ever.

    Like

  99. The truth is that it’s becoming increasingly dangerous to hide under people’s cars and wait to assault them. Three of my colleagues were killed last week alone. Two by snake bites. One by hydraulic shocks.

    Incidentally, it’s not the size of the snake that matters. Though I have noticed that women tend to throw more money at the larger ones.

    Hello, Jenny the Bloggess.

    Like

  100. you know, while i definitely feel for you and am very glad you did not get eaten by said wheel-well snake, i’m not completely sure i can forgive you for sharing this detailed story and THE PHOTO.

    …as i am now convinced there is a snake somewhere in my house. i don’t know why, and i don’t know where, but i feel fairly certain this cold chill i keep feeling up my neck is from snake death rays aimed at me from SOMEWHERE.

    thanks a lot.

    Sarcomical’s last blog post..Behold, Le Ricky:

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  101. I don’t think it’s blood on the driveway. It’s wine, isn’t it. Why do you drink wine on your driveway? No wonder there’s snakes.

    Like

  102. I’m with Karyn – Quiet Asian Man wanted to see your boobs again and thus created a ruse to make it happen.

    Like

  103. I love snakes, dunno if I’d be quite so disturbed finding one in the driveway as you were, but I do understand the atavistic “WTF?!?!?!” response, having brought a snake into the house once. Totally by accident, mind you, and totally unbeknownst. Until I did know(nst), at which point I’m sorry I didn’t think of the katanas that were on the table right next to me. And the snake.

    I didn’t. I just threw the snake out the back door.

    One of the explanations for my lack of snake-shakes is my childhood experience with rattlesnakes in the back yard. In…California. So Guy’s gotta watch his step too!

    Mighty CAsey’s last blog post..Venture Forum Announces 2009 Class of Greater Richmond Companies to Watch

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  104. I must ask, is that blood all around the snake? How long were you hopping before you realized him there? Or is that all from blog photography? Inquiring minds….

    Susan’s last blog post..A Protected Class

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  105. Thanks for making my day! I was really down until I read this – I love your stories – you make me laugh out loud!

    Like

  106. 106
    BurkeInTheOzarks

    Normally, I’d say something in defense of the snake, since they get a bad rap that they mostly do not deserve. I am always excited to see one around our house (of the nno-poisonous variety) since they feed on small rodents, such as sperm-loving squirrels, that can actually do some damage to your house.

    However, I’ll make an exception in this case. I mean, look at the SIZE OF THAT THING COMPARED TO THE BEAR!!!!

    Like

  107. 107
    Just A. Reader

    Why am I never there when things like that happen? Oh, yeah, it’s because I live hundreds of miles away. I’ve gotta move.

    Like

  108. Oh dear lord I’d have FREAKED out too!! I’m sorry, I’d have gone into the garage, grabbed the machete and insisted on decapitating the thing just to be sure it was dead.

    *All over body shivers*

    Dorsey’s last blog post..I never said I was a pro

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  109. now that? is a son of a bitch.

    Pamela’s last blog post..i got nothin’

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  110. Delurking to say that today is the birthday of a dear friend of mine, and I am keeping the bottle of Limoncello and the Chia Pet that I WAS going to give her, and sending her the link to your Blog instead. She is SO going to think I’m the shit, and be BFFs with me now. Kick ass snake stories FTW!!

    Jenny the Bloggess: The Gift That Keeps on Giving!

    Ri’s last blog post..The blue one is sexy…I’m just sayin’…

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  111. The one thing I hate about living in Texas, besides the heat… and the humidity, is the propensity to have a big ass snake jump out and surprise you. I think they do it to fight the boredom caused by the heat and humidity.

    The snake was probably trying to get a look at your goodies too.

    My mother is an avid snake hunter and can behead one faster than I can run screaming into the house looking for a jar of change. She is good to keep around. I love her. She uses a shovel. The only katana I have is my pink Sanyo cell phone.

    Like

  112. Are you sure it was a snake? After all, it could have been a

    :drum roll:

    tentacle from a Giant Squid!

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..Monday: Getting Ready to Pour it On

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  113. Part of me thinks that if that happened to me the only thing my husband would say would go a little like, “You’re so obsessed with snakes…” and then some kind of low-class trouser snake joke.

    I married above my station.

    jennydecki’s last blog post..Diversification is a Myth

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  114. Holy shit in a sock I would’ve thrown up, spontaneously combusted and left behind nothing but a pile of shoes and teeth. I was JUST talking about my hatred of snakes today at lunch, how a suspicious piece of hose freaks me out, and here you come with this wheel-well sonofabitch. I have to admit, the bit about tossin change at him almost made me pee, wait, yup I peed a little. Bless your pea-pickin heart man, I don’t know how you made it out…

    Like

  115. How the fuck will we know when you’ve jumped the shark?

    (I hear they hide under cars too)

    Greta/Does This Blog Make Us Look Fat?’s last blog post..Free Stuff and Is the Economy Making Us Fat?

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  116. Dude!! You totally almost died!

    Mitzy’s last blog post..The Following Images are Very Disturbing…

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  117. This is why you should get a debit card! The snake was telling you checkbooks are passe, so he/she/it had to make it go bye-bye. Granted snakes could totally work an ATM machine. No hands needed. They just put in the card and poke at the keypad with their nose (snout?). Yeah, never mind, keep using the checkbook. You don’t want to be cleaned out by the mad ATM’ing Snake Bandit.

    Like

  118. I don’t remember how I came across your blog but so far I’ve had more than one incident of reading it at work (so sneakily) and then laughing so hard I think I’m going to end up hurting myself. If I get fired for my not-so-sureptitious reading (and then laughing so hard I was crying) of your blog today will you donate to the fund to keep me in coffee?

    Lori’s last blog post..“Are you gonna bring me something?”

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  119. all i could think, after the part where you said “dead snake in my driveway,” was PLEASE TELL ME YOUR DAD IS GOING TO STUFF IT SO YOU CAN HANG IT OVER YOUR FIREPLACE.

    that shit needs to be mounted. stuffed and mounted.

    that’s what she said.

    *hangs head in shame at self-corn*

    *wonders what the fuck *self-corn* is*

    *begins worrying that this comment is beyond all unintelligible comments ever left by said commenter and is now seeking new ways to become ever more unintelligible in this already mangled comment*

    *success!*

    *sobbing*

    (does this count as hysteria, Jenny? because it might, although i no longer have the energy to look up the definition even tho it would require but a few mouse-clicks and some more of this typing-thing i’m currently doing, but the hysteria is making that part of my brain hurt to much to actually have the capacity to look the hysteria definition square in the face.

    did you know hysteria definitions have faces?

    me neither.)

    *falls on katana*

    lildb’s last blog post..all around me.

    Like

  120. A few weeks ago I ran inside screaming because there was a garden snake outside my back door. Unfortunately, it slithered away through some cracks in the ground and I’m convinced the cracks lead into my house and the snake will strangle me and my puppy.

    But anyway, I’m glad you didn’t try to autopsy the snake since you’re a blogger who cares to find the checkbook because I’m convinced that’s what the bumps in it are.

    Like

  121. We do have snakes in California and they’re way way bigger than that puny nothing you call a snake. Are you sure that’s not an earthworm? It’s totally an earthworm. You didn’t need a katana, a tooth pick would have been way more effective, if it were alive that is. Moral of the story, our California snakes, or snakenators as we like to call them here, kick Texas snakes’ asses.

    Like

  122. p.s. wordpress is cheeky. it’s trying to tell me i “may have already said that!”, with an exclamation point. like the exclamation point is somehow supposed to make me feel slightly less moronic for having not realized ON MY OWN that i was accidentally duplicate-commenting.

    thanks, wordpress. your exclamation point + not-so-subtle haughty inference that i am massively lacking in the ability to comprehend much beyond monosyllabic verbiage = my inevitable, ongoing internet shame.

    yay.

    lildb’s last blog post..all around me.

    Like

  123. i learned a valuable lesson today. don’t read “the bloggess” while at work, for it is impossible to giggle quietly at my desk.

    also, i’m sorry for giggling at your torment, but it’s f*ckin funny.

    Like

  124. Great. I’m looking like a crazy person sitting by myself in the deli, silent-laughing and crying into my grilled pork sandwich.

    That was one of the funniest things I ever read. Totally worth the public humiliation.

    Like

  125. I have a story that’s very similar to this except:
    a) spider, not snake
    b) bathtowel with a hole so large you could see my nipples, not a sarong
    c) dad, not husband

    But there was still change used for the purpose of adding scales to pictures.

    jb’s last blog post..Losing a Whole Year, Gaining Something Else

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  126. Somewhere right now, there is probably a member of that snake’s family exacting it’s revenge upon you for the death of his family member by using your check book to buy big ass flat screen TVs at Best Buy, which is really amazing when you think about it because, as your picture clearly shows, snakes have no hands to hold a pen.

    Also, that is a damn big snake!

    for a different kind of girl (FADKOG)’s last blog post..’til now, i always got by on my own. except nope, not really.

    Like

  127. Victor should be happy that you’re still alive because that thing looks like it could have swallowed you whole and washed you all down with a couple chickens and maybe a baby and some fruit punch. You should stuff it and hang it above your bed to remind him to cherish every moment with you because you never know when a snake is gonna fly out from underneath your car and end you. And, if you ask me, that would be a pretty shitty way to go. I mean, I’d be pretty pissed. There is nothing romantic about having a snake bite you in the jugular.

    Like

  128. Oh. My. God. THis had me actually tearing up with laughter, which is hard because I am sick as hell and really thought NOTHING could make me laugh. I was wrong. THis did the trick. love the pic with the bear!

    Sarah’s last blog post..Under the Weather

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  129. Next time just show your nipples.

    Carol’s last blog post..Family Day

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  130. Okay, you know what? You have totally fucking freaked me out. Between you and V-Grrrl’s snake in the house, I am going to be having fucking nightmares for MONTHS. I will become a total ambien addict, and because that doesn’t work well without alcohol, I’ll become an alcoholic, too. A stumbling drunk who will likely now trip over a SNAKE because you and V-Grrrl have now spread your curse.

    Damn you, Jenny, damn you. And your PICTURE. Damn that, too!

    Jane’s last blog post..In the 11th Hour, Republican Flop Sweat & A Crazymaking Strategy

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  131. LMAO At smacking your head and freaking out. That sounds like something I would do. Well not really because i live in the woods and would have chopped the snakes head off with a shovel. But I WOULD be checking out my car next time. I have issues with skunks around here. I swear they are gonna attack me and bite my leg. I had a dream about it one time. Skunks are ruthless!

    Tiffany’s last blog post..I Got Down Last Night

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  132. Hubby has been at home for a week, whining and complaining about having the flu.

    I’m gonna drag him out to the driveway, nail his ass with my bad CL 63 AMG, and swear I thought he was a snake. I’ll need two tablecloths because the scarves won’t cover my fat ass, though.

    Please make time for daily blogging. You are all that keeps me going…

    Like

  133. Oh Bloggess .. I love you. This is one of your best blog posts of late. You rock.
    Love
    Madness

    Like

  134. I love you. Seriously. You make me laugh. And we do have snakes in California. I’ve had rattlesnakes on my front porch, on my driveway, and in the shrubs at the curb. I have TWO YOUNG children so this shit freaks me out. Plus gopher snakes & garter snakes. Which are supposed to be good to get rid of the gophers. We still have gophers.

    But thanks for the image of throwing coins at a dead snake. whahahahahaha!

    Ciao

    Desiree – Mother Musings’s last blog post..Vomit post now with extra helpings of vomit

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  135. You still you checks? You’re such a Luddite.

    katie ~ motherbumper’s last blog post..like totally

    Like

  136. You still write checks? You’re such a Luddite.

    katie ~ motherbumper’s last blog post..like totally

    Like

  137. LOL! I just met this blog a couple of days ago and i’ve been reading it for hours straight since then, i laugh a lot here so Thank you!!

    Anyway let’s hope that the snake didn’t eat your Chekbook, and perhaps it may be somewhere around there like… UNDER YOUR SUV PARKED OUTSIDE!!! (BEWARE OF SNAKES)

    Like

  138. Holy shit that’s a big post!

    zenmomma’s last blog post..Saturday Night Five

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  139. snakes, heights and spiders all my mostest UNfavorite things….eeeek!!! glad you didn’t get bit by the ginormous snake!!!

    Like

  140. we have snakes in california… but probably not at Guy’s house. that one has all the luck.

    that girl’s last blog post..Exhausted

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  141. Tell Victor he yelled at you a lot in that post.

    You may need to hire a ninja to cling to the undercarriage of your car.

    Happy Hour Sue’s last blog post..The Jerk Goes to Target

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  142. Are Water Buffalo afraid of snakes? I’ll bet they aren’t.
    So if you owned a Water Buffalo, this whole episode could have been averted!
    Not to mention the scarf-y thang you were modeling would so totally go with riding a Water Buffalo.

    I think it’s your Spirit Guide hiding your Checkbook until you finally realize you need to own a water buffalo. It will be at that moment that your checkbook will re-appear.

    And the presence of Quiet Asian Guy only reinforces my belief that I speak the gospel truth.

    Never stop writing, Jenny!

    Aunt Evolity’s last blog post..I ought to be in politics

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  143. You had me all excited with the foreshadowing about revealing nipples. I thought this post would be all about some Bloggess nudity. Instead it’s about snakes which is just too freaky as I’ve had two – TWO! – dreams in the past few days about snakes biting me. If I have a third one tonight, I’m blaming you.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Six Things

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  144. 144
    Drunken Ferret of Doom

    Oh fuck! I just spit double apple martini (and when I say “apple” I mean I reached past the apple juice on my way to pull the vodka out of the fridge) all over my computer screen.

    I can’t remember laughing so hard and I’ve read your blog for a while.

    Like

  145. I know who took your checkbook. The bear.

    Georgette’s last blog post..Mondays, hyenas, and WTF?

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  146. Your next car should definitely be a steam roller. You could have an awesome driveway-flat-snake-collage. People would drive for miles just to see your beautiful snake art. That way, when your boob poops out of your beach sarong, they will just say you’re an eccentric artist, not a freak.

    Like

  147. O.M.G. first, I’m so sorry, that sounds terrifying.

    OK, niceties out of the way….man! my sides are aching! I haven’t laughed that hard in ages!!!

    Like

  148. Snakes are abominations.

    I’m sorry, shit just isn’t meant to move on land without arms and legs. I mean, have you ever seen an armless and legless man all up in your driveway? I didn’t think so.

    But, if you ever did see one on your doorstep, be sure and call him Matt. Or if he’s in your pool, Bob. Armless, legless people always find those jokes especially humorous.

    Overflowing Brain’s last blog post..Alone

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  149. Excuse me if I didn’t catch a redundancy from any of the 147 previous commments I haven’t read yet. ….

    It doesn’t look like such a huge snake to me … especially since it fits nicely within the two adjoining thumbprints your cam captured in the driveway cement. (That’s one of the dangers of using a camera ‘micro’ setting. Underlying fingerprints show up until you can photoshop them away.)

    I betcha the snake will make great gecko food.

    🙂

    Like

  150. If this post doesn’t get you into the top 3,495 bloggers on the internet, I don’t know what will.

    Like

  151. Oh. My. God. I’ve gotta stop reading your blog when I’m trying to relax because that just freaked me the hell out. I have to go get in the car RIGHT NOW in the DARK and that picture has raised my anxiety to dangerous levels.

    Lunasea’s last blog post..Not Always Sensitive

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  152. AAAAAAAAAAhahahahahahahahah!

    Best. Blog. Ever.

    Like

  153. God, why are guys so possessive of their CHANGE?!?!?

    Like

  154. You have swords? Plural? You appear to use them frequently as well, as there’s a lot of shit that looks like blood in your driveway. Who are you people?

    A Free Man’s last blog post..Kneel before her…

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  155. Is the brown stuff on the ground blood? I don’t think you should check for snakes lest you really end up with a bitten eyeball, I think you should just assume there’s snakes and be thankful every time you make it without injury! What eats snakes- you need one of those- whatever they are.

    jacqui’s last blog post..Done, done and done..r

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  156. That is a huge freaking snake. Eghh- gives me chills. If I weren’t so freaked out by it, I would totally post that picture as my desktop, b/c the lightening bolts and bear give me the giggles.

    Lacey’s last blog post..Like Letters

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  157. O, you are one funny, funny, chick. But, THAT one had me truly laughing and snorting while tears ran down my cheeks. And it had more to do with the thought that I could SOOOO see myself in that post and not so much to do with the fact that I had consummed 3 glasses of wine prior to reading you tonight…

    Thank you, Dead Monster Snake. For making my abs feel like I did 100 sit ups–and I didn’t.

    Martie’s last blog post..I Need To Ask For A Freakin’ “Parenting Raise”…

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  158. Thank God I live in California—I’d be housebound in a state such as yours. Which one is it by the way? I’d like to cross it off my list. With a Sharpie.

    jamie’s last blog post..How to Keep Your Backpack Safe

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  159. i have a very similar story.
    i used to live in hawaii and i came home one time to find a giant mothereffing scorpion sitting all nonchalant right in the middle of my living room window. i lived alone and knew, for a fact, there was no way in the sweet name of hay-seuss i was going to be able to deal with my life with that little bastard inside the house. so i grabbed a butcher knife and shish-ka-bobbed the thing. it’s stinger flailed against the glass, angrily. kind of freaked me out and made me feel all survivalist at the same time.
    totally not similar to your story except for the fact that if i had owned a sword at the time, that shit would have been put to good use.

    Like

  160. good news: i found your checkbook. please e-mail dcheney@hellhole.com.

    k’s last blog post..*six minutes of separation.

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  161. I am CRYING over here. CRYING!

    Holy crap, Jenny. I so totally needed this post.

    mothergoosemouse’s last blog post..The irreplaceable, inimitable mother

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  162. That was so stinking funny that I actually snorted Diet Coke through my nose while reading it. Now I have a new rule – don’t read The Bloggess while drinking or eating! But dang, I wish I was drinking a double apple martini like Drunken Ferret was!

    Lori King’s last blog post..I’ve Always Wanted To Be a Cartoon

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  163. You are very, very lucky. Either Steve Irwin or Jeff Corwin did an entire show on the “North American Wheelwell Snake”. Quite dangerous, but rare, ’cause everytime someone drives, the snake dies.
    Actually, it is entirely possible you killed the last one, making the entire species extinct. They can’t even keep them in zoos, ’cause the car is too big to fit behind the glass.

    miko564’s last blog post..Stuff That Works

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  164. Closer and closer with every post you bring me closer to pissing myself at my desk. It’s horrible but wonderful at the same time, oh wow.

    I can’t breathe.

    Untypically Jia’s last blog post..Cause I’m Lovely, Didn’t You Know That?

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  165. I need a bear, for just such occasions.

    flutter’s last blog post..Helicopters make him cry

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  166. 160 comments you are a blogedess.

    OMGfree’s last blog post..Kisses for everyone

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  167. I can’t decide if the gang member-Achilles tendon legend previously existed or just does from now on. Either way, I have a new Greatest Fear now.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..Copout: America’s Worst-Named Cities

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  168. Could you please amend the graphic to include the sarong on the Bear? I mean, I already laughed my ass off but that would just be the icing, you know?

    Christie@fig&cherry’s last blog post..By: AMOXICILIN information. » AMOXICILIN.US

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  169. Won’t you please, won’t you please, please won’t you be MY neighbor?

    (Then I won’t be the craziest one in the neighborhood.)

    Kylie’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday on Tuesday with Words

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  170. OMG! I just solved the mystery! THE SNAKE ATE THE CHECKBOOK!

    JL’s last blog post..I’m best friends with a four-year old.

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  171. i live in spain and have had the same experience with rats (not in my driveway, thank god). the last one was so fat it must have had 50 young inside. straight for the wheel-well or feet; whatever´s closer.

    Like

  172. Snakes are well known check forgers, search his pockets before you shove his carcass in the storm drain

    fidget’s last blog post..Shopping list

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  173. Not that it matters anymore, but I murdered a couple of these snakes this year in Katy, Tx. I believe them to be Texas Rat Snakes. One I killed for myself and one I killed for my sissy neighbor. I understand they are “good” snakes, whatever that means. I guess they are better than rats. I was waaaay more scared of the eight-pound possum in my garbage can last week. I think we need to give the Asian guy a name at this point, even if it’s fictitious. Maybe Ken, or Danny, or Lamont.

    Like

  174. Are you sure that’s a snake? It looks like a gigantic squid tentacle to me.

    Maybe you need a mini-trampoline and a convertible car? Then, you wouldn’t have to worry about concussions as much. Get a mini-trampoline for the passenger side, too. Also, some super-hero costumes.

    Like

  175. Oh girl, you’re not crazy..

    Crazy is pulling your feet up into the seat with you, and closing your eyes every time you see one on the road..while driving. My husband, (extremely crazy) believes I should risk it and keep driving in a straight line instead of swerving violently and also keep my foot on the gas pedal so that he doesn’t jolt forward into the dash every time. huh, It’s like he doesn’t know me at all.

    that girl’s last blog post..I have a DAMN good idea…

    Like

  176. You need to get you one of them Mongooses (Mongeese?). You know, like Rikki Tikki Tavi? They eat snakes and, as far as I know, don’t eat people. But they may stink like a ferret if they have that stink gland thingy. So check for a stink gland thingy first. Of course, that may get you bitten in the eye by the mongoose, so, have the pet store guy check, just in case.

    Like

  177. This is the best post ever. EVER!

    Kyla’s last blog post..Obama: Tastes Like Victory

    Like

  178. Sigh, I was totally hoping to read more about your nipples, like maybe the snake was about to jump up from it’s fake death and latch right on. Then you and snake would be entangled in a snake-on-nipple death match and blood and snake venom and neighbors (with cameras no less!) and well, it would have made for some really great blog times. But.. thanks anyway for that.

    david’s last blog post..The Acorn Cracks the Cradle

    Like

  179. Maybe next time Victor can take pictures of you jumping around like an accordion monkey? I think it would help with the visual.

    Lula’s last blog post..Hilarious!

    Like

  180. That snake ate your checkbook! And probably also something else, to account for the second lump. The bear is a nice touch, though the snake is freaky scary enough and I would have shit myself. I am so scared of snakes. Even pictures of them make me feel sort of wan and shaky. In fact, I need to go find some chocolate now to revive myself. And more coffee. It will help with the shaking.

    superblondgirl’s last blog post..Stuck inside myself

    Like

  181. I’m really, really sorry to have to tell you about a danger you have not considered: pedal dwelling snakes. The katana could be a useful tool for depressing the gas and brake pedals so you can drive with your legs tucked safely up under your bum, like any normal person would under the circumstances.

    Jacquie’s last blog post..I heart November

    Like

  182. That looked like either a water snake or a cotton mouth…that’s using my magical 7th grad snake naming powers…of course, its only been 21 years since then, I might be a bit rusty.

    Wish I had neighbors that wore such skimpy things…wish I hd cute neighbors instead of the older people.

    I totally thought of the Sprint Phone too…for a moment, but it didn’t make sense that you’d go in for the kill with a phone…well, not a lot of sense…some maybe, like if you took a picture or called a pest removal service…but those phones aren’t that sharp really. I have one, and it’s kinda dull. Doesn’t even annoy snakes…sorry, I digress.

    Jimh.’s last blog post..Scrubbed, Miffed, and Torqued

    Like

  183. When they make the movie of your life, you should be played by Paris Hilton because then she could be all running around and yelling and she’d probably not even realise it was just a stunt snake they were using and I would laugh my ass off.
    You rock,Jenny

    Mr Farty’s last blog post..Autumn Break

    Like

  184. The better class of gang member DOES chew through your achilles, FYI. It’s just that bit more special, no?

    Jaywalker’s last blog post..More fragments

    Like

  185. My life is so boring in comparison–just have to worry about kittens hiding under the car hood to keep warm in the winter. Re cracking your head–hope you looked as cute as Colin Firth when he cracked his head in front of the Lord Dashwood estate in “What a Girl Wants.” And no need to get all superior about my taste in movies, since some of your fans just admitted to seeing “Snakes on a Plane.” Glad to know about the crotch and breast thing though. . .

    Faye’s last blog post..Easy Company takes Hitler’s Eagle’s Nest

    Like

  186. Jenny, I’m so glad you’re okay. And even more glad that it was not a Teeny Tiny Abstinent Snake. Those? Are for more subtle but that’s what makes them the most dangerous.

    I have your checkbook. Send caffeine and I’ll send it back.

    Kim @ Ponytaildiaries.com’s last blog post..People should know

    Like

  187. If you had respected the snake enough to spare its life, it might have eaten some of those anti-American, sperm-loving squirrels. I guess that just shows how much you hate America.

    Dolan Mama’s last blog post..Sucker for Marketing, Part 2 (More Wine)

    Like

  188. I think if you are going to run over a snake, it is best to run over its head cos that’s where the teeth are and if you run over its middle the teeth are intact and there could be post-death tremors when you bend down to inspect it and you could totally get snakebit in the kisser and that would be a fucked up way to go. for both of you.

    Kimberlee’s last blog post..how one becomes worthy?

    Like

  189. My boyfriend is from Brazil and was unaware how terrified I am of snakes. One day he pulled up a photo to show me on his computer that one of his friends sent him from Brazil. His friend is a cattle farmer and the picture was of an anaconda which had just eaten AN ENTIRE COW. I started screaming like a loon and ran out of the room just from looking at a photo. I would have reacted just like you did if I had tripped over a snake.

    Sauntering Soul’s last blog post..No, my boss and I do not have that type of relationship

    Like

  190. Even though you warned me you had a picture and even though I told myself that I didn’t even need to look at the picture of a *shhhhh* snake, I TOTALLY LOOKED AND OHMIGAWD!!! SNAKE!!!
    ewewwwwwwwewwwwwwewwwwwweewww!!

    I won’t sleep for a week. Soundly. And you can forget me even setting foot outside my house, even if it is almost freezing here in Ohio and the *shhhhh* snakes are hibernating like the vile, slithering, creepfuckers they are.

    Like

  191. That is EFFED UP and it has completely wigged me out. One thing’s for sure, I will NOT be hanging outside your house with a telephoto lens hoping to get some nipple shots ANYMORE. You’re place is dangerous, lady!

    I will have to go back to following you on Google Maps Street View.

    Kevin Tumlinson’s last blog post..“I drink hot butter and eat raw mutton”

    Like

  192. yechghugh (that was supposed to be a disgusted beyond belief sound). I HATE snakes. Also, I live in CA and we definitely do have snakes. I grew up about 20 minutes from the beach and we had green and black rattlesnakes… not nice.

    Another disgusting snake fact: if you cut their head off with a shovel and bury them in the ground, THEY DIG THEMSELVES OUT. I am not making that up.

    Hence another reason snakes are the devil.

    And thanks for risking your life for that picture because there is no way I would have believed you otherwise:)

    Steph’s last blog post..Dream Dinners

    Like

  193. Your. Blog. Is. The. Shit.

    I about pissed myself laughing at this entry today. So thanks for almost being responsible for a piss-soaked fat lady sitting in a cubicle somewhere in the Dallas metro area.

    Miss Yvonne’s last blog post..Failing Miserably or Coolest Parents Ever?

    Like

  194. “OMG! I just solved the mystery! THE SNAKE ATE THE CHECKBOOK!”

    I think JL might be onto something here. That snake looks a bit lumpy. I count three lumps, though. If one’s the checkbook, what are the other two? Missing any pets? Lawn ornaments? Neighborhood kids?

    Steve’s last blog post..Two-Tone Robo Wingtips

    Like

  195. That has to be one of the best snake stories EVER.

    Lisa’s last blog post..I’m Afraid I Have Old People Feet

    Like

  196. 196
    I can't read my nametag

    Plissken? Plissken, is that you?

    Damn. He was a good snake and a better friend. I’m gonna miss him.

    Oh well, he’ll make a great zombie snake. (Might want to approach unmade beds and laundry baskets with extra caution for a while. I’m just sayin’…)

    Like

  197. OMG… this has to be the funniest thing I’ve read in days. Thank you thank you thank you. So glad I found your blog, Bloggess!

    Heidi Fischbach’s last blog post..“That Thing” we want to change

    Like

  198. On my way into work today I heard a story about a lady who was shot in the back of the head. While in her car.
    Wait for it.

    She reached back and held her head. Realizing she was injured she panicked and did not move. She passed out from fear and shock I suppose. She comes to and still no one has come to help her. She cannot move because she is holding her brains in after she was shot. Therefore her arms cannot be used for anything like opening the door and flailing for help. About 30 minutes later someone sees her hysterical and helps her. She is locked in her car and the police and medics have to break into her car to get to her.

    Today she is fine.
    In fact that day she was fine too.

    What had happened was, she had groceries in the car and it must’ve been a hot day because her can of dinner rolls popped open and sounded like a gun blast. A piece of dough hit her in the back of the head and when she reached back she felt her “brains” coming out. She then laid in fear for WAY too long with dough stuck in her hair and that is my story.

    The moral?
    DO NOT become her.
    Please Bloggess, I need you and your weed wrapped dog, hobo finger posts. So the only solution I think is that Victor needs to stay in your life. A lot more. Please bring him everywhere with you. Even though he loves snakes and wants you to die.

    Brookie Brooke’s last blog post..Limbo. And not the good kind.

    Like

  199. We have snakes in California. The kids found one when they were little and Bernadette played jump rope with it and it bit her and then died. Apparently my daughter was toxic. But hey, at least i didn’t make into tacos like my Dad wanted me to.

    Like

  200. omg
    i would not even dream of meeting such a snake
    i scream when i see a spider the size of my thumb nail… ;o)

    marie’s last blog post..Going round Paris and the news

    Like

  201. Won’t you be my neighbor?

    Lotta’s last blog post..New and Favorite Etsy Things

    Like

  202. If I had been in your situation, we would have had to sell the car. Because it’s obviously a snake attractor. And put the house on stilts. Metal stilts, so I could have snake-impenetrable fire pits burning around them 24/7. Plus, my husband would now be required to not only do snake checking detail, but to carry me to and from the car every time I needed to use it, just in case he missed one.

    I’d say you’re being quite courageous and reasonable about this whole thing.

    Sallyacious’s last blog post..We Made the Right Decision

    Like

  203. I think it’s your sunconcious mission in life to make me pee my pants.

    Michael’s last blog post..I Used to Date A Stapler…

    Like

  204. Also, I’m a little retarded and missed the day in school when we learned how to speel ‘subconcious’.

    Obviously I really don’t think you suffer from any kind of sunconciousness.

    Michael’s last blog post..I Used to Date A Stapler…

    Like

  205. “Also, I’m a little retarded and missed the day in school when we learned how to speel ’subconcious’.”

    Shit…

    Michael’s last blog post..I Used to Date A Stapler…

    Like

  206. We have katanas because without them, people would have to trip over a snake and then run in the house and grab a butter knife to kill the snake. At least then butter knives would have a purpose again.

    Houston Honey’s last blog post..We’re like Batman minus the cool car and the suit with nipples on the outside

    Like

  207. You should totally put a “Depends Alert” on your posts, is all I am sayin.

    Missie’s last blog post..Mr. Wrong

    Like

  208. I had to Google ‘katana’ and found out it’s a Japanese sword – a weapon of my people that I didn’t know about!

    I am, however, descended from sword makers, and my last name means ‘field of samurai.’

    Not that it has anything to do with your story. And I didn’t steal your checkbook.

    sweatpantsmom’s last blog post..And you thought your local news was bad

    Like

  209. I wanna know how many folks that read this blog and got snake phobias are too busy hyperventilating to comment.

    Cole’s last blog post..Bond Girl Draws Attention To Babies Born With Extra Fingers Or Toes

    Like

  210. snakes don’t scare me, i teach kindergarten. try THAT.

    Vodkamom’s last blog post..Am I Thankful? You bet…

    Like

  211. I laughed so hard, I actually peed a little bit. Well, I’m old and I’ve given birth, so that happens more than I care to admit, but still… you made me laugh so hard I peed myself.

    Congratulations.

    Andi’s last blog post..Respect

    Like

  212. Snakes scare the hell out of me… They are smart, growing arms and just messed up… they will come for you.

    http://conleyworld.com/2008/08/12/i-hate-snakes/

    Like

  213. dumbass who thinks there are no snakes in california:
    you just earned yourself THREE snake stories, courtesy of nablopomo.
    the RATTLER at half dome, the RATTLER in my fucking DRIVEWAY and then the INCREDIBLY FREAKISHLY CUTE striped baby snake which we found IN MY YARD just a few months ago but refused to touch.
    it wasnt THAT cute. it was a freaking snake.
    had it been a cartoon, it would have been cuter.

    gwendomama’s last blog post..A Special Education (Or, My year as a fourth grade fagtard)

    Like

  214. I hate snakes. I may have nightmares now.

    Nora Bee’s last blog post..The secret to shoo fly pie

    Like

  215. holy fucking shit…

    i’d probably never drive again.

    ok, that’s a lie, but DAMNITT that post just made me cry. that’s how much i hate snakes…and how much i love you and don’t want you to get eaten by giant, gold digging snakes.

    biddy’s last blog post..I am THAT person

    Like

  216. You bring neuroses to a whole. new. level. I just love how fucked up you are : )

    country mouse’s last blog post..the apple really *doesn’t* fall far from the tree . . .

    Like

  217. 217
    Aprylsantics

    I had a snake in MY TOILET. I assure you I was not worried about my achilles tendon.

    Like

  218. …revealing your nipples to the world…

    Is that foreshadowing? Maybe foreboding or foreplaying?

    P.S. I can’t believe you killed my snake. Please send all the money you threw at him so I can buy another one.

    Swampy’s last blog post..Recipe for Disaster

    Like

  219. You didn’t overreact at all. An overreaction would have involved dynamite, a SWAT team and flamethrowers.

    Although none of them are a bad idea.

    Chris Wood’s last blog post..Optimism For Beginners

    Like

  220. The bear looks pretty miffed too.

    My wife would have thrown a board at the snake.

    Like

  221. People from the offices across the hall are going to come in here in just a minute to see why the intern has lost her mind and is rolling around on the floor laughing hysterically.

    (In)Sanity Gal’s last blog post..Other people say it better

    Like

  222. I thought I should finally git over here and comment since you don’t have nearly enough comments on this post.
    The snake made me kinda gag. You ought to carry a shovel.
    Also don’t worry about your chequebook. I can float you a cool million once I’m rich from being a total deranged freak about the crafts. 😛
    p.s. Don’t forget to tell Guy I want fucked.alltop.com created immediately.
    kthxbai *smooch*

    Karen Sugarpants’s last blog post..Nothing is more sexy than a one-eyed cat…

    Like

  223. De-lurking to say, I laughed out loud, snorted,then cried real tears. You are THAT funny! Then I read some comments, more snorted laughter and tears. Thanks y’all.

    Like

  224. 224
    The Original Lisa

    Still to this day I have to yell at any potential snakes that I’m coming outside when I walk out of mom and dad’s house. Just so they can be forewarned. I had always thought this was a good idea so they would get scared and leave. Now that I think about it though I’m thinking that I’m just preparing them and they then have time to call all their snakey friends and gang up on me. Crap. Tell me again why I’m coming back there. I hate snakes.

    Like

  225. Gina: That sounds like the makings of a good Twilight Zone episode. “Submitted for your consideration: Bernadette, a seemingly innocent little girl about to be bitten by a snake. But the line between predator and prey is often blurred… in The Twilight Zone.”

    Steve’s last blog post..Two-Tone Robo Wingtips

    Like

  226. Is that blood all over the driveway?

    Like

  227. My uncle lives on your side of town & has been bitten TWICE by copperheads while gardening – so you are so right to go postal and pissy and freak. The picture? Not loving it though.

    Like

  228. Complete. Total. Chaos. I love it.

    Like

  229. Dude.

    The Bear. The Mother Fucking Bear is now one of the top 10 reasons that I love having you for my friend.

    Like

  230. 😀 You must have seriously been engrossed in the thought of not giving your neighbor a free nipple shot, to NOT notice that big, fucking monster snake. I mean, wtf?!! I am glad, however, to know that there are freaks out there like me that give things, like snakes, the ability to strategize and be sneaky. My nemesis is spiders!

    AngieSS’s last blog post..I Love Angie Email – Volume One!

    Like

  231. I am WAY too lazy to scroll thru 230 comments to be sure nobody else posted a smartalec remark about you wearing a “beach sarong” in November.

    I mean is it ever okay? 🙂

    Ryan’s last blog post..Dear Foxbury

    Like

  232. Holy Fucking Shiznit, I thought this kinda stuff only happened to country folk like me.

    shonda’s last blog post..The Song Remembers When…….Youtube trip to the past

    Like

  233. I was all set to write something clever about the snake having already eaten its last meal, as evidenced by the lumps in its middle. But Wanda beat me to it in comment #1. Which makes me not really clever at all. Or original. Especially since I’m comment #232. But perhaps I could get an award for be Queen of Stating the Obvious 232 Times on Someone else’s Blog? Maybe?

    Also. Damn. That’s one big snake. Srsly.

    MommyTime’s last blog post..“Assessment” Makes My Head Spin…and not in the good way, either

    Like

  234. Just thought I’d let you know that “Recipe for Disaster” has been continued at My Asylum. No snakes. Only worms.

    Swampy’s last blog post..Recipe for Disaster, Continued

    Like

  235. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate snakes. Blech! My skin is crawling.

    melanie @ meladramatic mommy’s last blog post..Wordles Wednesday: Roller Coasters! (Pic and Video)

    Like

  236. i love you.

    katie’s last blog post..how my in laws got me a free carwash

    Like

  237. Nikki sent me over and I’m glad she did. This is so funny! I would never have thought to throw nickels at the snake to show size, but it was a creative idea.

    Bobbie Leigh’s last blog post..Katelin’s Story

    Like

  238. I’m sure you will never get to this comment, but I’m a little in love with you after this story. This is one of the funniest things I have read in forever and I so needed the laugh today.

    Literally – that snake will provide fodder for your forever!

    Jarrard’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday

    Like

  239. Great, now my kids are always asking me why I walk to the car with a tire iron every day. Then I scream “WHEEL WELL SNAKES YOU IDIOTS!” …not really..I leave the idiots part out.

    Like

  240. I just peed my pants a little laughing so hard….coworkers are looking

    Like

  241. “I added the bear and the lightening bolts because the picture didn’t capture just how fucked-up the whole thing was.” I just want to say that may be the funniest thing I’ve read since the inflatable dog story in Don Quixote.

    Like

  242. I am thisclose to spending the next hour Google Image-ing snakes so I can figure out what kind of crazy snake that is. With the squooshed head you can’t really do that “triangle head means poisonous, rounded head means non-venemous” diagnosis.
    This is kind of like Snake CSI.
    Also? I totally have some underwear with that exact pattern on them.
    But they’re cotton.

    Babybloomr’s last blog post..By Popular Demand: Bell Buckle!

    Like

  243. You really ARE a strange and awesome force of nature.

    Kat’s last blog post..Winners

    Like

  244. Ugggggh this post gave me the shivers when i read it.I hate snakes but this made me laugh like a loon and spit tea over my screen 🙂

    Green Of Eye’s last blog post..Grower

    Like

  245. I’m building a home in your neighborhood. Guess I should take my townhouse off the market now because I sure can’t live with snakes slithering around. I’ve already googled on how to keep the damn things on the other side of the fence at all times. Seriously.

    Like

  246. I am so glad I am not the only one who jumps in her car from a distance. But I do it cuz I think the killer from the movies is under there. And under my bed

    Paige’s last blog post..Friday’s Paige-asters

    Like

  247. California has rattlesnakes. Maybe not where Guy lives, but in the less populated areas.

    Like

  248. I saw those animals on Picnik and wondered how they could possibly come in handy. I was very naive. The bear is perfect!

    deb’s last blog post..Letter to A Young Blogger

    Like

  249. It seems your cutting-edge posts are drawing a record number of comments there, Jenny.

    ~EdT.

    (PS: click the CommentLuv link I left for further instructions.)

    Ed T.’s last blog post..I am on a Tag Overload

    Like

  250. Shudder, I know a woman named Princess K*tana who is perhaps the most rude and hystrionic woman I have ever come in to contact with. She owes every one she has ever come in to contact an apology. despite her name, she is no princess. though she must think she is. I want to go back to a time when the people could behead the royalty they grew weary of. No reason to subject good folks to that kind of illness.

    Like

  251. […] The Bloggess would use a katana to kill a snake. Too […]

    Like

  252. […] to consider less conventional kill methods. I’m thinking I should ask The Bloggess to mail me one of those car snakes they got down in Texas. I could stick it in the glovebox, feed it Thanksgiving dinner and borrow […]

    Like

  253. Oh my god, that may be my favorite comment-of-the-day ever. Truly impressive. I’m sort of curious what the runners-up were.

    Like

  254. I’m not laughing AT you really… I’m laughing because the snake is dead. And also, I am gagging. And looking nervously over my shoulder, because I am in my house… and what if a snake got in my house??? *doing the “Tipptoe… Wildlife scares me to death” dance*.

    jennyonthespot’s last blog post..Maybe I should rethink this “vlogging” thing.

    Like

  255. The young will leave after 6-8 weeks and then they will start their
    own nest. You can also use your hand or trowel to flatten the raised
    ridges of soil. The value of your home is enhanced by a strong, well looked after garden.

    Like

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  1. Sunday Linky Love November 16, 2008

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