Note: This post isn’t going to make a lot of sense because I wrote it and it was more than usually inappropriate so at the bottom I said (for this post only) I would delete it if anyone asked me to and someone did so the redacted parts contain stuff that I swear to God is probably not as bad as what you’re imagining. Or possibly worse than what you’re imagining. I guess it just depends on how fucked up you are. Also now the comments will probably confuse you even more than usual. You know what? Just skip this post altogether. Come back next week when I write about something less offensive. Like the holocaust.
Last weekend my in-laws took us to Disney World with us and I took so much xanax I almost went into a coma. Things I learned at Disney World:
1. On the flight, when you’re watching “Love Actually” on your ipod and you realize that there’s a full-on humping sex scene in this sweet romantic comedy and you decide to freak out your husband by waving the humpers in his general direction you should keep in mind that his parents are sitting right beside him and will probably see it too and you’ll want to explain that you weren’t watching porn but you can’t find a way to broach it on a crowded plane with your 4-year-old beside you and all through the trip you’ll be waiting for the right moment to just clarify that you don’t watch p0rn on airplanes but that moment totally never comes.
3. A third of the Magic Kingdom was shut down because they were filming the Disney Parade that airs on Christmas and the Disney worker who was scooting us off the lot and into (swear to God) the back alley was all “Sorry folks, but this is how we make the Christmas parade magically happen on Christmas” and I was all “Oh, you mean by cheating. Asshole.” I didn’t say it out loud because my kid was there but I’m pretty sure he could see it in my eyes.
4. I ate bad clams the first night I was there and got violently, violently sick. All the characters look leering and fiendish when the only thing you want to do is find a place to throw up.
5. Disney World is supposed to be all magical but I didn’t see a single magician. I did see lots of animals though and none of them were masturbating but that was less “magical” and more of a “nice change from what I’ve come to expect from our zoo”.
6. If I ran Disney World I’d make all the restaurants fill their hamburgers with glitter so later you’d actually poop glitter and it would be a magical surprise.
7. Everything in Disney World is shaped like Mickey Mouse’s head. Sandwiches, plates, pancakes. I was honestly afraid to ask for a tampon.
8. At the “It’s Tough To Be a Bug” show everyone in the audience got acid sprayed on us and we were all farted on. This is part of the fucking show. Farted. On.
9. We stood in line for hours so Hailey could see Mickey and he didn’t even talk. Like, he just stands there and waves like some kinda incompetent mime. Next time I’m bringing my own Mickey costume and right when Hailey gets out of the car I’ll jump out and be all “Hey! It’s me, Mickey! And not the shitty mime Mickey…the real Mickey.” And then I’ll be all “Nice to meet ya! Now get on those rides and if you see a long-ass line to meet me you can just skip it because that’s the crappy deaf Mickey and (redacted).” Then Hailey will probably cry but either way she won’t want to see Mickey again and we can jump straight to the teacup ride which was awesome in that kind of way that will give you whiplash if you ride it with your husband who doesn’t seem to remember you spent all morning throwing up bad clams.
10. Tigger was awesome. Unlike that asshole Mickey who bonked my kid in the noggin with his big, fat nose. And then when Victor was all “You trying to give my kid a concussion, Mickey?” and he didn’t even respond at all, which I’m pretty sure is an admission of guilt. We’re totally gonna be millionaires.
Update: It’s come to my attention that I’m kind of an asshole and pretty much all of my awesome readers have had a make-a-wish-kid at Disney and they are all very nice about it but honestly for this post and this post only, ask me to take it down and I totally will. No questions asked. This must be what it feels like to grow a conscience. It feels like hell. Is this how you guys feel all the time? That must sucks. I feel like the Grinch when he realized what a bastard he was except that I don’t have any toys to give back.
Comment of the day: There’s nothing wrong with a Mickey shaped tampon. Especially if you have a Mini Shaped Vagina. ~ Marinka