Disney World is a lie (now less offensive)

in functions I shouldn't be allowed to attend, mixing medications, NOT dismembered baby feet, Posts that will get me hate mail, Random Crap, wow that's good to know

Note:  This post isn’t going to make a lot of sense because I wrote it and it was more than usually inappropriate so at the bottom I said (for this post only) I would delete it if anyone asked me to and someone did so the redacted parts contain stuff that I swear to God is probably not as bad as what you’re imagining.  Or possibly worse than what you’re imagining.  I guess it just depends on how fucked up you are.  Also now the comments will probably confuse you even more than usual.  You know what?  Just skip this post altogether.  Come back next week when I write about something less offensive.  Like the holocaust.

Last weekend my in-laws took us to Disney World with us and I took so much xanax I almost went into a coma.  Things I learned at Disney World:

1.  On the flight, when you’re watching “Love Actually” on your ipod and you realize that there’s a full-on humping sex scene in this sweet romantic comedy and you decide to freak out your husband by waving the humpers in his general direction you should keep in mind that his parents are sitting right beside him and will probably see it too and you’ll want to explain that you weren’t watching porn but you can’t find a way to broach it on a crowded plane with your 4-year-old beside you and all through the trip you’ll be waiting for the right moment to just clarify that you don’t watch p0rn on airplanes but that moment totally never comes.

2.  Redacted.

3.  A third of the Magic Kingdom was shut down because they were filming the Disney Parade that airs on Christmas and the Disney worker who was scooting us off the lot and into (swear to God) the back alley was all “Sorry folks, but this is how we make the Christmas parade magically happen on Christmas” and I was all “Oh, you mean by cheating.  Asshole.”  I didn’t say it out loud because my kid was there but I’m pretty sure he could see it in my eyes.

4.  I ate bad clams the first night I was there and got violently, violently sick.  All the characters look leering and fiendish when the only thing you want to do is find a place to throw up.

5.  Disney World is supposed to be all magical but I didn’t see a single magician.  I did see lots of animals though and none of them were masturbating but that was less “magical” and more of a “nice change from what I’ve come to expect from our zoo”.

6.  If I ran Disney World I’d make all the restaurants fill their hamburgers with glitter so later you’d actually poop glitter and it would be a magical surprise. 

7.  Everything in Disney World is shaped like Mickey Mouse’s head.  Sandwiches, plates, pancakes.  I was honestly afraid to ask for a tampon.

8.  At the “It’s Tough To Be a Bug” show everyone in the audience got acid sprayed on us and we were all farted on.  This is part of the fucking show.  Farted.  On. 

9.  We stood in line for hours so Hailey could see Mickey and he didn’t even talk.  Like, he just stands there and waves like some kinda incompetent mime.  Next time I’m bringing my own Mickey costume and right when Hailey gets out of the car I’ll jump out and be all “Hey!  It’s me, Mickey!  And not the shitty mime Mickey…the real Mickey.”  And then I’ll be all “Nice to meet ya!  Now get on those rides and if you see a long-ass line to meet me you can just skip it because that’s the crappy deaf Mickey and (redacted).”  Then Hailey will probably cry but either way she won’t want to see Mickey again and we can jump straight to the teacup ride which was awesome in that kind of way that will give you whiplash if you ride it with your husband who doesn’t seem to remember you spent all morning throwing up bad clams.

10.  Tigger was awesome.  Unlike that asshole Mickey who bonked my kid in the noggin with his big, fat nose. And then when Victor was all “You trying to give my kid a concussion, Mickey?” and he didn’t even respond at all, which I’m pretty sure is an admission of guilt.  We’re totally gonna be millionaires.

Update: It’s come to my attention that I’m kind of an asshole and pretty much all of my awesome readers have had a make-a-wish-kid at Disney and they are all very nice about it but honestly for this post and this post only, ask me to take it down and I totally will.  No questions asked.  This must be what it feels like to grow a conscience.  It feels like hell.  Is this how you guys feel all the time?  That must sucks.  I feel like the Grinch when he realized what a bastard he was except that I don’t have any toys to give back.

Comment of the day: There’s nothing wrong with a Mickey shaped tampon. Especially if you have a Mini Shaped Vagina. ~ Marinka

215 thoughts on “Disney World is a lie (now less offensive)”

Read comments below or add one.

  8. Are you sure there isn’t glitter in the hamburgers? I saw several little girls in the park just today with glitter coming out of their PORES. There must be SOME glitter in the food. Give it a little more time. I’m sure your shit will be magical too.

    Sprite’s Keeper’s last blog post..The Short Bus Stops Here

  10. Dude, you know I took my bald, cancer-ridden kid to Disney World for her Make A Wish trip? Oh hell yeah I did and I pushed my way to the front of every line and used my magic sick-kid pass to say “Screw you, healthy people, to all the folks who’d been waiting for 2 hours to get on a 4 minute ride” HEH.

    I also made sure my kid LICKED every single costumed character she came across…double HEH!!

    Also, we were at Disney World last week as well, waiting on the damn parade shit to get over with and had to GO GO GO…Hannah Montana can suck it! As can all the old people who pushed my kids around trying to get a view of Regis.

    Anissa@Hope4Peyton’s last blog post..Ok, now I’m starting to get in the mood

  13. I’m thinking #7 was the best. I would hate to be so desperate as to have to resort to a Mickey shaped tampon. Do you suppose it would have glitter on it? And wouldn’t it be weird if THAT’s when Mickey decides to finally speak?

    SugarJones’s last blog post..Here’s the Deal…

  16. I remember the last time I was at DisneyWorld. My young cousin had been really sick and had gotten all of these special privileges but most of the time Goofy was pretty busy trying to get as many hugs with me in as possible. I was looking pretty good, but I was 16–which in reality I was probably a little to “adult-like” for his liking…Lucky I have a thing for dogs…

    gingela5’s last blog post..Really Short…

  18. Dude I just went in November on a press junket. I saw the Christmas Parade and it was lame-o, like gay reindeer dancing and prancing and shit.

    All I obsessed about while there was how many people in scooters there were, how much waste was being produced, and how it couldn’t be good to have unnatural vegetation at every resort to simulate the intended environment. (I have mega eco anxieties.) They even import French people to the French pavillion at Epcot (OK, I kinda found that hot.) Also, the Bibbidy Bobbidy Boutique was vaguely Jean-Benet-esque.

    That Sucks to be a Bug thing made me need therapy.

    scarbiedoll’s last blog post..Star Wars: Whoremone Wars

  19. When we go to Disney you’re gonna totally have to come with us to help avoid all the pitfalls of the park. I never would have known about the shitty mime Mickey if not for you.

    Anna’s last blog post..Finally!

  20. I’m suspicious. First you claim you visited Disney World. Then you switch to Disney Land. Be honest — this whole “trip” was staged for your fraudulent attempt to litigate, wasn’t it?

    I totally don’t work for Disney, either.

    Carrie’s last blog post..Unscheduled Haircut

  28. 7. Everything in Disney World is shaped like Mickey Mouse’s head. Sandwiches, plates, pancakes. I was honestly afraid to ask for a tampon.

    That is freakin’ the funniest shit ever! That line should be put on flippin’ t-shirts and sold on a sidewalk outside Disney Land and Disney World. I’d buy every damn color!

    Akilah Sakai’s last blog post..Colin Farrell and Brendan Gleeson

  29. I’ve totally taken my sick kid to Disney too! Me tooooo!

    Okay, not really. I just wanted you to suck in your breath for a second.

    I’m never going to a Disney, and I have three kids. You couldn’t pay me money to go. Really. Happiest place on earth, my ass.

    Kelly’s last blog post..Random Tuesday thoughts

  30. Dammit Jenny. You know I love you. You also know I’m way freaking bigger than you and could wrestle you to the ground as though we were both wearing bikini’s and wrestling in a vat of green jello for money and adoration of sleazy men.

    Ahem.

    Anyways.

    Bug was on his way to Disneyland for his Make A Wish dream.
    He had both butt cheeks. But he drooled a lot.

    But you know, he DIED before he got to bump noses with Mickey Mouse.

    So Disneyland is kinda sacred to me when it comes to sick kids. Screw the healthy ones, they should only let the little germy diseased ones in. You know?

    Why don’t we argue over this in a vat of jello? What say ya?

    You know you want to.

    Grin.

    Redneck Mommy’s last blog post..The Journey…Part Three

  32. First, this gives me two more reason to worship you: Xanax and inappropriate sex scenes in front of your man’s momma. Loves it!

    Next, fucking bad clams, too? My kids are never going.

    shonda’s last blog post..As Good As It Gets

  34. Uh, I’m pretty sure you didn’t see any magicians because they were using all their magic to be invisible. I mean, if you had to hang out at Disney and kids were all up in your shit, you know you’d do the same.

    Joey’s last blog post..Trust me

  36. Seriously, I got $10 bucks on Tanis!! Cause she’s all bragging how she’s bendy and stuff, could be a very confusing wrestling match.

    OH, you know what? My cancer kid’s not a cancer kid anymore, remission + no more chemo = FUCKING ROCKS!

    But yeah, my kid had both butt cheeks too, WTH kind of disease did THAT kid have?

    I totally promise this is my last comment.

    Anissa@Hope4Peyton’s last blog post..Ok, now I’m starting to get in the mood

  39. Ha! We were there too. Except we heard about the parade and stayed far, far away from the Magic Kingdom on Friday and Saturday.

    My story? It’s the Year of a Millions Dreams where they give random crap away. We were on a ride and all won free Mickey Ears. We were like totally hot shit and psyched, even though everyone around us has them. We were the big winners!

    Then SIL called us (her family was in town too.) They got picked to stay in Cinderella’s Castle. You know- the big one that the fireworks go off over every night? And lead the parade. And have an escort lead them around all day getting them to the front of every line they wanted. And eat with Cinderella for every meal. And have a personal butler while in the castle. And so on.

    I won ears.

  40. I get it. You don’t mean to be hating on the the one butt cheek kids. You’re still cool in my book.
    My husband works in construction management for Disneyland. He says people wave at him all the fucking time. He doesn’t even wear a mime mickey costume. He wears slacks and collared shirts. I’ve asked him a trillion times if he likes it cause he’s always telling me about the wackos that wave at him. He says no. He says it’s really fucking weird to be waved at when you’re just trying to tell some worker what to do. So here’s my tip for the day: “when you see some guy wearing regular work clothes inside of Disneyland DON’T FUCKING WAVE AT HIM. he’s just doing his job”
    lol

    Mz. Nesbit’s last blog post..You better watch out cause I’m telling you why

  43. This really just expresses all of the reasons I don’t want to go to Disney landworlduniverse. Less the sick kids, though, and more me realizing that this is what our culture has set up to be the greatest thing EVER to these kids, sick and otherwise.

    When actually it is so very scary.

    Which really makes me want to throw sporks at the whole Disney corporate machine from hell.

    Bene’s last blog post..Stop the Hollywood Boat, I Want to Get Off

  44. Want to feel better? Last time I went to Disney was with a high school drill team. They made us all dress alike for “safety”. Yeah, we ran into gay pride week when they all dress alike too. Never been hit on by so many lesbians in my life. Also never felt so good about myself, LOL. 🙂

    Houston Honey’s last blog post..If I Die, Tell a Friend

  47. Ok, let me catch my breath….
    First: I wanna poop glitter. Damnit, you’ve made it a Must Have.

    Second: OMG, mickey mouse tampons, that sounds really painful!

    Lastly: The most spectacular thing on this post- I can just imagine- “It wasn’t porn! REALLY! Why won’t you believe me?!”

    You’re my freakin HERO!

    Brandy’s last blog post..OGD: Obsessive Gaming Disorder

  48. I’ll take that bet Anissa.

    I could totally take Jenny. As long as she kept her McGuffies hidden from view. Because those boobies are magical; known to slay magical creatures like hobbits and dwarves.

    But now I have the mental image of a disabled kid with one butt cheek and glittery snot in my head and I’m thinking “OH MY GOD, I COULD TOTALLY ADOPT THAT KID”.

    Damn you Jenny. If I end up with yet another kid cuz of this post you are in big dog doo doo.

    Redneck Mommy’s last blog post..The Journey…Part Three

  57. I hate that this country makes you feel like you are a bad parent if you don’t subject your family to Disney World. I have finally succumbed to the pressure and we have reservations to run the gauntlet over Spring Break. I now know it will be ten times worse than I expect it to be.

    Thanks for the heads up to avoid the shellfish, though! (And to bring the valium.)
    😉

    amysprite’s last blog post..Thousand Word Thursday

  58. This is the greatest post ever. I was laughing so hard, I had to make a conscious effort not to pee in my pants.

    I love Disney. But only because I don’t have any children to take with me there.

    tutugirl1345’s last blog post..Stolen Meme

  59. SO very true about Love Actually. One of my favorite movies ever, so I always want people to watch it with me and I ALWAYS forget about the porn scenes. Makes for some lovely and awkward times.

  62. Hey!
    I *was* a sick kid at disney land/world getting my wish which i didn’t wish for *twice*!
    see, i lived in one town where they shipped all the disabled kids off in a private plane to florida and back in one day.
    and then i moved and the organization didn’t know i’d already been so they sent me again! hee hee hee.
    I never considered that on both of those days I may have been freaking everybody *not* disabled out. I still don’t consider it, actually, and it probably is still happening.
    back to my drooling.
    🙂

  63. I went to DisneyWorld about 12 years ago when my daugher was 8, at this time of year. For a northerner, it was weird to be on a waterride in December. What my husband and I liked best was sneaking out at night after our daughter was asleep to the area with nightclubs and music – we heard some decent jazz and blues. It was OK, but the Kennedy Space Center was way more interesting.

    Anita’s last blog post..I finish grad school. With a speedbump at the end.

  64. Now I know to cut off my kid’s butt cheek before we go to Disneyland next year. I serously hate standing in those lines.

    True story, I sent both my mother and my MIL copies of Love, Actually when it first came out on DVD. I totally forgot about those porn scenes.

    P.S. You are funny 100% of the time.

    blissfully caffeinated’s last blog post..And I pushed and pushed for like 20 hours until finally the doctor said, “Congratulations! It’s a healthy baby blog.”

  66. I fucking hate Disney World. And after staying at one of their resorts for a week, road kill would’ve been an improvement, cuz at least it has flavor. (Not that I have ever tried it, but still you know what I mean)

    Tracy’s last blog post..Who?

  68. “Winter Oreos” with the red filling turn your poop red. Which isn’t really fun or magical since your first thought is that you must be bleeding to death internally. You know, until you remember the whole been-eating-red-oreos-since-Tuesday thing.

    Glitter poo sounds like way more fun.

    Awesome post. I laughed my ass off. That’s figurative, by the way. My ass is still there. Both cheeks. Damn.

    Cathy’s last blog post..Badge of Honor: Guest Blog

  72. Now I’m laughing at Marinka…

    Anyway, I went to Disney last year and I had the flu so I was literally a contagious person wandering the park. I have to agree that the characters do look lecherous when you’re ill.

    Kylie’s last blog post..Drinking in the Afternoon

  74. “7. Everything in Disney World is shaped like Mickey Mouse’s head. Sandwiches, plates, pancakes. I was honestly afraid to ask for a tampon.”

    Read to husband TWICE… he looks at me with a dumb face, wondering why I’m laughing so hard I have ice cream splatters on my laptop. He’s all “That’s so NOT funny”. I’m all “YES IT IS”. He’s all “Nope”.

    However he does find the concept of glittery poop delightful. He’s a weird, weird man.

    Cheers!

    Polkadotmommy’s last blog post..Everyone is Giving Stuff AWAY! Happy Holiday Freebies!

  75. All I need to know in life I learned from the Bloggess…

    At least now when I go to “happiest place on earth” I’ll have an itinerary.

    Fucking awesome.

  76. “You know we flock to you because you’re just so damn comforting and nurturing. You heal some gaping hole in our make a wish souls with huge doses of WTF? ”

    What she said. 🙂

    When Maddy chose her make a wish, she chose a frickin’ big screen television. It’s mammoth, and much better than schlepping her wheelchair, feeding pump, diapers, formula, etc. etc. etc. to FL to see the scary mouse.

    Although I am not a huge Disney fan, I definitely respect what they do for wish kids and for sick kids ~ I’ve heard about the passes to the front of the line and the wheelchair accessible everything, and I think it rocks, if your kid is into that scene. 🙂 Thankfully, my kid is wayyyy more into watching football, baseball, and movies on her seriously huge-mongous television. 😉

    Love you, Jenny!

    Kim’s last blog post..What a beautiful day it was…

  78. Mime Mickey, bad clams, public farting, rude employees, tuberculosis…are you sure you weren’t at Euro Disney (or whatever the hell it’s called now)?

  79. No magicians? Well obviously there was no magic. The lack of magicians is obviously the cause for your bad clams AND the loss of glitter poop. Your disillusionment is legit. Damn Disneylandworld needs to get those magicians off strike NOW!

    Also, if I had a kid who was sick and went to Disneyworldland I wouldn’t care that you were complaining about it, I’d be all “Haha sucka I went for FREE AND took your spot in every line and you, you’re just broke and disillusioned.”

    Of course I would say it with love.

    Simply Jenn’s last blog post..Yay!!!! I have an interview for a position I really want

  80. I think you might belong to the other side … the Looney Tune side … it’s best to just come out.

  82. K, it’s official.

    I want to be like you when I grow up.

    You’re one of the funniest people that I don’t really know, but say “there’s this lady I know, okay, I don’t really know her but I read her blog”.

    My friends all think I’m insane, by the way.

    Natalie’s last blog post..AF likes to torment me

  84. 1) You have to try the adults-only version of Disney, which includes drinking your way around the world at Epcot. By the time you get to the saki in Japan, you won’t even recognize Mickey.

    2) On said adults-only trip to Disney, we decided that what would make it perfect is if there was a strip club. Some suggestions for the name of said strip club? Ariel’s Grotto or King Triton’s Clam Shack. (we were obviously in a “Little Mermaid” mood that night)

  85. I’ll let the wheelchair moms handle all that shit. I can’t believe you called Mickey Mouse an incompetent mime. Who the fuck do you think you are?

    Black Hockey Jesus’s last blog post..Larry

  87. i think your xanax was really LSD. check your prescription. but dont you dare delete anything.

  88. You are a sick fuck. You give a kid glitter hamburgers and they start with the magical crap, you know they’re going to want to share it with everyone. My daughter’s class has show and tell every week. I’m just saying.

    And while you may have perfectly mature and civilized siblings and adults in your life, there are adults out there like my brother who would have the same mentality as the kids, only worse, because not only would he want to show everyone his sparkly shit, but he’d want to up everyone else by seeing what interesting things he could swallow to further enhance the crappy experience. Blinking, multi-colored LED lights would certainly add a festive touch at the family Christmas party, wouldn’t it?

    Thanks a lot, Jenny. I really appreciate it.

    BTW, what’s your address? I’m sending out Christmas cards.

    mrtl’s last blog post..Vindication

  89. Awww man! I didn’t get any glitter burgers either! And sure as hell didn’t have any glitter poop! Those bastards!

    Katrina’s last blog post..WWLD?

  90. The idea of a Mickey shaped tampon might be something you should patent… For those less than magical days…

    Joey’s comment on the Mickey condom, though? Made me nearly pee.

    tracey’s last blog post..Ladybug Shoes!

  92. The last time I went to Disneyworld, my sis was 7 months pregnant – we took the two older boys by ourselves. We lost my (then) youngest nephew in the dinosaur digging park for about an hour. I think he was about 3? Finally found him chatting up one of the food vendors eating Cheetos. We never paid for them.

    Meredith’s last blog post..Election Day

  93. Know how else to get moved up in lines and free desserts at Disney? Bride and groom Mickey ears. We wear them every time we go even though we’re not exactly newlyweds anymore. It’s not like they require proof.

    Actually, now that I think about it, do they require a dr’s note for the 50%-less-buttcheek kids to go to the front of the line? Just sayin’…

    Call Me Cate’s last blog post..More than two

  95. Are there homeless people at Disney World? Or did Disney euthanize them during his Reign of Terror? Seriously – DW is a simulcasium of a world that cannot exist. For people to get their panties in a wad over this post…I just can’t relate with them.

    Spamboy’s last blog post..The Friendly Skies

  96. Side effects of Xanax may include:
    Constipation, decreased libido, depression, drowsiness, fatigue, impaired coordination, memory problems, mental impairment, nausea, sedation, sleepiness, speech difficulties, weight changes

    Just saying. The lesson may be that Disney World and panic disorders are an ill advised cocktail for certain disaster. It’s clear to me that your in-laws have a hidden agenda, likely with a code name like “asylum” or “told you the bitch was crazy”

  97. No. 7 is a classic.

    When I was a kid I pulled on Goofy’s tongue trying to get him to make some noise and he wouldnt.

  99. My WHOLE family went to Disney World for my grandfather’s 70th birthday 24 years ago. My brother yanked on the Big Bad Wolf’s tail and he jammed my brother’s thumb. My dad tracked the Big Bad Wolf down and jammed his thumb. We spent the rest of the time trying to dodge the Cast Member police.

  101. Even if I had a sick kid, I’d think this was hilarious. I mean come on… CLASSIC Bloggess! You are my tonic of hilarity in this crazy, depressing world.

    And I’m totally gonna try the glitter poop thing on my dog.

  104. That bug’s life movie not only farts on you, but also drops giant spiders down from the ceiling – which sent my (then) 4 and 2 year olds SCREAMING up the aisles and out the emergency exit.
    Apparently, the scarring of preschooler’s pysches is business as usual, because there were sadistic Disney workers just waiting around for the mass exodus of toddlers, so they can shine a flashlight on the floor so you don’t bust your ass and sue them.

    Katie’s last blog post..Happy Birthday, Sayde Loo Hoo, who’s 4 more than 2 hoo

  105. I’m going to start carrying glitter with me to sprinkle on all of my food before I eat.

  106. My kids will have to use their inheritance to go to Disneyworld as that is the only way I will agree to fork over any of my cash towards the Den of Evil.

    I am v. afraid for you, Jenny. To speak ill of St. Mickey may bring on the trolls. I have been bashing Pink Plastic Disney Princess Crap as of late and wow, I have gotten some nastiness – from a FRIEND, no less.

    cagey’s last blog post..Is he real?

  107. You can pretend to not have a conscience all you want, but you did give the Wii Fit to some kids so they could use it for physical therapy. I have your number. You secretly one of those lovey mushy people.

    Oh and you totally had me with the porn on the plane. I love that movie.

    SparklieSunShine’s last blog post..CMHS: Kitchen Swap!

  108. Yeah, I rode those damn teacups 5 days after having a spinal tap. Not smart. And The Kitten threw up all over the bed after spending the day at Disneyland. I’m right there with ya.

    Catazon’s last blog post..The Week That Wasn’t

  110. ROFL!!!!!!

    Shut up. It takes some seriously funny shit to make me laugh at my computer screen. I mean, if you’re not funnier than me, you have no chance.

    You, however, achieved greatness, as TWICE I made the kids around me raise their eyebrows! lol

    The tampon part was priceless. epic. amazing.

    the farting. wonderful.

    However, I’d HATE to poo glitter. glitter’s SHARP!! lol like, tinsel, on the right..er…wrong angle, can create paper cuts!!!

    *don’t start me on my Christmas in Disneyland. I spent 3 days in the children’s hospital with my child. because of someone ELSES pooh. grrrrr. (it wasn’t even sparkly!)

  111. My friend used to work at Disney World and almost everyday she would come home and tell me how another person got decapitated in the park. It wasn’t the happiest place on earth for those people. Unless they had some twisted, Faces of Death-like death wish. Even then you probably wouldn’t want to be decapitated because then at your funeral you would have to wear a turtleneck to hide the Frankensteinish stitches in your neck, and no one looks very good in turtlenecks. Also your death would never even be shown on Faces of Death because Disney uses a gestapo-like force of lawyers to hide the evidence so that people still feel safe bringing their kids there.

    That’s probably why they like to bring so many Make A Wish kids in because people are too distracted feeling uncomfortable happy for those kids to notice the decapitated heads lying all over the place.

    Lemish’s last blog post..The Slanket- because a simple robe would make too much sense.

  112. OMG, I had the same Love Actually thing happen to me on a plane ride last week. Except… I had it playing on a LAPTOP! I kinda freaked, didn’t know what to do. Eh.

    Erin’s last blog post..Well well!

  116. Bagging on sick/dying kids goes to far. You should take that part out. Totally inappropriate. Funny? at whos expense? I pray you never have a sick and dying child with a wish to go to Disneyland/world.

    The rest? REAL funny.

    But come on. Inconvienced by DYING children?
    WRONG

  117. Disney World is my least favorite place on Earth. I know exactly what it feels like to puke on Main Street USA. Thank you chocolate cake at Cinderalla’s palace restaurant. Yuck. You are cracking my ass up!!!

    Oh and I LOVE Love Actually. I wanted to slip it in to our Christmas movie rotation last year… until the porn scene popped up and my dad was all.. Ummm… and looked really uncomfortable. Like when we were kids and a sex scene would come up in a movie and he would fast forward. Thanks, Dad, but that just makes them do it faster. [shudder]

    Don’t take it down. Love the post.

    http://www.butterflyliz32.wordpress.com
    http://www.adivorcestory.wordpress.com

    Elizabeth’s last blog post..Sticks and Stones

  118. I wish I had your talent to write. I was laughing while I was reading your blog and all the comments after.

    I’ve decided to stay home and not make the trek to the magical kingdom, because 10 minutes at home with my husband should be enough. It will also make me very very happy.

  119. Don’t feel bad about this post – it was fucking hilarious! I have many relatives’ and friends’ kids who’ve gone on Make-a-Wish trips to Disney. And you know what? I wouldn’t want their glitter snot on a Mickey I’m hugging either.

    Keep on rockin’ the inappropriate and politically incorrect posts, Jenny. They’re why we love you so 🙂

    A Lil’ Irish Lass’s last blog post..Next Week, I Will Ruin "Frosty The Snowman" For You

  120. My cancer-ridden niece wanted to be a guest star on Sesame Street and meet Ernie and Bert. That was her wish. The bastards said no and so she was shipped off to Disney instead. How be you take the piss outta Sesame Street next? Now, that would be su-weet.

    Mad’s last blog post..Who let the dogs out?

  122. Ohmygod. All the parents of make a wish kids flocking to your comment section right now are almost as good as the post. Oh, you poor thing. Oh, those poor things. I love you all so much.

    Maggie, dammit’s last blog post..Princess Picasso

  123. Oh my God, Jenny, do you sometimes just sit back and grin at all the comment havoc you cause?

    I woke up my sleeping husband with my laughing at this!

    (And now I’m on Elizabeth’s comment (#115) and….and I have to pee…)

    daysgoby’s last blog post..i consider myself a kind person

  124. So. The post is still here Grincho.

    I never went to Disney anything as a child because my parents hate me, and when I went to Disneyland when I was 18? It freaked me out. And I hated it.

    Miss Grace’s last blog post..BOOK CLUB FAIL

  125. Yes, but she didn’t ask me to delete the whole post. Just the part about the sick kids. So technically I’m still in the clear. Except for making jokes about sick kids. That part I’m still going to hell for.

  126. )I have to admit, I googled the title of this post, and through a cache link, obtained the redacted #2, I HAD to read it.)

    I love the way you make me laugh, alwyas when I am drinking so the soda come out my nose! I really must learn that to read your blog, I must not have liquid refreshment anywhere near my mouth.

    You did also give a me a great idea for my annual Christmas soiree-glitter food! I am totally putting glitter in all the food, and telling me guest within 24 hours, they will have the most awesome Christmas present from me. Lets see if they can top glitter poop!

  128. I agree with tutugirl. Going to Disney without kids is the way to do it. Sleep in, stay out late, enjoy sin pleasure island. Although, I heard they just closed the night clubs. Bummer.

  130. I say screw them all. don’t let your audience goad you into not being true to your own voice. yes, you write a different animal than i, but once you start pandering then you are only admitting that you are not secure enough with your own ideas. you are amazing. it saddens me to see self-censorship like this. it homogenizes the process and destroys the intent.

  131. i happened to agree on original point #2 – it’s a sad fact of life but a fact nonetheless and sticking our heads in the sand won’t change that.

    and no fear of TB – disney puts fairy dust in their bleach so you’re only inhaling pure sweet goodness and cheer.

  132. Dude… on my last trip to Disney Land? I had a raging ear infection that made it hard to stand up, let alone walk. I totally got to spend the day in a wheelchair (which we actually had for my then-boyfriend-now-husband’s knee problems) and skip the lines. Rad.

    also? I totally feed my babies glitter everyday for breakfast. sprinkle it on their toast, in their cereal, on their eggs… makes changing diapers much more entertaining.

    churchpunkmom’s last blog post..The Boy Scout (Part 7)

  133. In your defense Jenny (not that you need a defense, and not that I should be the one defending you because I have less morals than you do, but this is actually about you having morals, but I’m no moral authority, just saying.)

    What?

    Oh right, In your defense, I read #2 as more of a commentary on your anxiety riddled neurotic reaction to sick kids, more of a slam on yourself than the kids.
    As per usual.

  135. When I was 12 I went to Disneyworld on a school trip and Goofy grabbed my ass while we were taking a picture. I had a skirt on and it took considerable effort for him/her to do so. All I know is that now I my husband has to wear cartoon hands before we do it. And by ‘it’ I mean everything.

  137. Awwww, Jenny. You’re just too damned sensitive. If you can’t make fun of kids missing a buttcheek, who CAN you make fun of?

  140. OMG, I had such a similar experience at WDW when we went in October this year! You are completely friggin’ right. My best “are you fucking kidding me” moment was when we went up to the line to “Meet the Fairies” and saw it was 45 minutes long. We said, “forget that” and turned to go and an employee, er “cast member” told us that we should wait b/c 45 minutes was nothing. The day before, parents and kids waited for FOUR HOURS to meet the fairies. I personally think they should’ve had a cage at the end of that line that captured all those idiots and shipped them all off to some remote island where waiting 4 hours to see some B-rate characters seems normal.

    I liked Epcot though. Epcot has alcohol.

    Fairly Odd Mother’s last blog post..Go Ahead, Make My Day

  142. Um. I’m 23. I hate Disney World. I feel exactly as strong as you do if not freaking stronger. Fuck Disney World and it’s long lines and dumb rapists in costumes trying to hold kids on their laps. I remember the first time I was there……6 years old – hated since then. I don’t find this post even remotely offensive…after the fat lady next to me almost sunk our boat on the “it’s a small world after all tour” and I almost fell out of my ET bike on the ET ride…I decided I’d had enough…(Want to see the redacted parts! Can you email me them?! PUH-LEASE?!)

    Jessica’s last blog post..Shuttle Train

  146. Tigger is indeed awesome. Pooh, not so much. At the character breakfast, Tigger works the room and greets guests. Pooh stands next to the breakfast buffet — you come see him — and bitches under his breathe about the pictures he has to pose for. Total sham. (But I still waited in line. And I don’t have kids. I know. Sue me.)

    Re: your comment, yes. All blogging evil can be traced back to Mickey.

    Kathy’s last blog post..Do You Hate Me?

  147. I read The Bloggess because there is no filter between your brain and your mouth (much like my 94 year old Grandma). So I’m really disappointed by the censorship. I’m disappointed that you did it but massively annoyed at the person (people?) who asked you to. I makes me think of the years I spent teaching school and the whiny parents who were never happy. You’ll never make ’em happy, Jenny. Just be yourself.

    The Cotton Wife’s last blog post..Why Oh Rye …And A Contest!

  149. Are the people who complained about #2 new to your blog or something? I mean, you don’t read this blog if you are sensitive about… well, anything!

    I’m totally bummed that the PC people complained and I didn’t get to read #2, even though I’d probably go to hell if I laughed, which I’m sure I would.

    I want to read #2. I want you to un-redact it!! Come on. Pleeeeeeeease.

    Melissa’s last blog post..Christmas Survey

  150. Oh, man!! I am so bummed that I missed out on the redacted part by only a few hours! That is super-lame, and is probably the reason I didn’t have to wipe spit off my screen, as I usually do after a bloggess post.

  151. When I was young, our dog got into a box of neon crayons and ate them all on the day before Easter.

    Easter morning, it was clear that the Easter Bunny had shit all over our lawn!

  152. As a blow for liberty, and so Jenny won’t go to hell alone, I submit the following:

    Q: What’s better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?

    A: Not being retarded

    I feel I have brought balance back to the world.

  153. I’m actually more offended that you let people censor you. Like Melissa said, sensitive people shouldn’t be here!
    I still love ya though, you make me laugh as always.

    Lula’s last blog post..Ha!

  155. So I went to Disney World with my mom and little brother when I was 16, which was fun until i wanted to get my picture taken with the Winnie the Pooh characters (I know, I know, I was a smidge old for that kind of shit, but Jesus, people, LET ME RELIVE MY CHILDHOOD). Winnie was nice, but then I got to Eeyore Oh, Eeyore. Lets just say that he took a liking to me, or at least I assume that’s why he wouldnt release his firm grip (impressively firm for a hoof) from around my waist. The Disney helpers had to wrench me away from him and as soon as they did, he fell to the floor, limp. And wouldn’t move or respond. Even with promises of delicious oats. Can I tell you how it feels to have 4 and 5 years olds looking at you with accusing eyes because you just killed their favorite donkey? Some actually cried. I went over to try and coax this fuzzy beast up and as soon as I got close he grabbed onto my leg and wouldn’t let go. Tigger had to intervene. I wish i was kidding.

    But turns out Tigger was kind of an ass because as soon as he got me away he began hugging on me just to taunt poor Eeyore. Eeyore came at him, fists swinging. I didn’t hang around to see who won.

    Oh- and my mother has photographic proof of all this. As does Disney World. Who should probably look into hiring someone other than horny college kids and/or sexual deviants.

  157. I’ve totally done the first one, except it wasn’t “Love, Actually,” it was Actually Porn and it wasn’t my in-laws, it was just a couple of old people we didn’t know on their way to Florida to visit friends. And I never did get the chance to tell them it wasn’t porn because (a) I didn’t know them at all and never saw them again after the plane landed and (2) it actually WAS porn so I would have been lying. And I never lie about porn.

  158. I love you people. Even the woman who felt comfortable enough to ask me to remove it.

    This is the first (and probably last) time that I’ll be censoring myself. I just felt like everyone needs to have a here-there-be-dragons-line across which things are sacred and not to be mocked and I realized I didn’t have anything over that line, which I think makes me a psychopath. So from now on I have one thing across that line: Dying children at Disney World.

    Dying children not at Disney World are completely fair game though.

    PS. That was a joke.

    A horrible joke.

    Honestly, I can’t help myself, y’all.

  159. Dying children not at Disney World are completely fair game though.

    That’s the way it’s meant to be.

  160. I’d just like to say that I was not offended by this post at all. In fact, I shared it on my Facebook page. Unfortunately, my fiancee WAS offended by the post, because she loves Disney World and she hates when people talk shit about it. So I redacted it from my Facebook page, and now I feel kind of shitty, too.

  161. Dude. I totally missed the original post! That’s okay I guess, since the rest was pretty hilarious too.
    I haven’t been to Disney(World) in a long time, and I’m pretty sure that I won’t be going again until I have kids. And then only because it’s like..some sort of obligation or something.

    Dawn’s last blog post..Photoblog 4: Let it snow, let it snow

  162. 1. Now I am justified in my fear and hatred of clams.
    2. Does being ill or the parent/spouse/sibling of someone ill mean you can’t take, make, or be the brunt of a joke? If so, just shoot me (says I after sitting with my husband in the hospital for 7 days)
    3. It’s all Mickey’s fault.

    kristin/kwr221’s last blog post..BITE ME!

  163. I loved your first unedited post.

    This is a blog. People who are easily offended really should stay the hell away from blogs. You know, because of the fact that (a) this is the internet and (b) this is the internet.

    But anyway, onto my real comment(request.) Can you send me your first version because I just made an ass of myself going on and on to my boyfriend about how great the original post was and then when we both sit down to read your blog, I see the whole flogging yourself intro and I have to say something to him like “nevermind.”

    PS. My email is verysturdygirl@hotmail.com

    sturdy girl’s last blog post..

  164. i loved this article the way i first read it – you’re killer and shouldn’t let nay-sayers censor you from being honest in your own blog! best wishes.

  165. Thanks Tracy B for comment #126! Now I know wtf all the fuss was about.

    Two points:

    1) My son died of cancer, but while he was still mobile he took a very long-haul flight to the place of his dreams.

    2) Disneylandworld? Are you fucking kidding? Australia.

    3) You rock, Jenny. I love you.

    4) I can’t count.

    Mr Farty’s last blog post..Farty’s Friday Chart

  168. 1. I totally forgot about the porn-scenes in ‘Love Actually’….until I watched it with my mom…. and my grandma. I feel your pain on that one.

    2. was redacted before I got a chance to read it, damn. 🙁

    5. Having seen my fare share of… interesting… things at the Houston Zoo, I’m gonna have to totally agree with you on that.

    6. Hell yeah! But not just at Disney….how about everywhere? Everyone needs to experience the magical surprise pooping glitter at least a dozen times. That’s what I think, anyway.

    7. Or a condom.

    8. Yikes, that sounds kind of like the “Slump” show that we have in Houston every year.

    9. Can’t come up with an articulate response; too busy laughing.

    Just found this blog, and I gotta say that you? Are fucking awesome. And you’re in the same city as me, which is even more awesome. Major kudos.

  169. Did you know Disney is a popular hand-off point for child traffickers? I heard that somewhere. Somewhere authoritative, I think.

    It makes sense. Who’s gonna notice?

    Carrie’s last blog post..Unscheduled Haircut

  171. Great, so you remove the best part of the post before I get around to posting my comment, which is totally not going to make sense to anyone that didn’t get to see the whole post. But I’ll post it anyway.

    According to Google there is quite the market for “cheap children” so, you know, if you’re looking for a way to get rid of those that get in your way should there ever be another visit… I’m just saying…

    Jay’s last blog post..The police will be knocking on my door any minute now

  172. Just when I was all ‘that Bloggess chick has gone too far and I am totally not reading her anymore’ Which I know would just totally mess up your numbers- being a whole ONE click down per day from your millions…but I come back to see….you edited the really…not right…parts. And this gives me HUGE respect for you. HUGE.

    I am only sad I DON’T have a minnie shaped vagina and poop glitter.

    The Glamorous Life’s last blog post..What Santa drives on his day off.

  175. What is there left to be said?

    You are my fave. I read the damn post too late so now I must find a way to read it the way you wrote it. Dangsies I hate censorship.

    No one in my circle knows what a blog is and or why I have one. I MAKE them read yours. And it usually ends badly for me, because they are all “wait…why aren’t you as funny as her?”

    I won an Osh Gosh B’Gosh photo contest and the prize was a trip to Disney! Luckily I was too young to remember it. My parents don’t get to say as much but I think I can now pin point the moment they started loving me a little less now. Thank You!

  177. Haha, I toally get that you wouldn’t fall for the fuzzy lurve that is Disney whilst under the influence of bad clams. Alcohol works much better.

    You’re making me jealous that the nearest theme park to me is about 1000km away (Luna Park doesn’t count since it’s a wannabe Coney Island and has no costumed people).

    Argh, I have to stop watching this documentary about man-eating tigers. Did I mention I have a short attention span?

  178. OH SHIT!

    Jenny, I respect you for taking it down if that’s what you felt was the right thing.

    But you know what? I am a sick-kid mom, I did the Disney World wish, I let my kid sprinkle her fairy funk all over each and every ride and guess what? I LOVED #2.

    Was funny and I’m damn glad I got to read it before you conscience got the better of you.

    *NO MORE COMMENTS, I swear it!*

    Anissa@Hope4Peyton’s last blog post..Chunky is NOT the new black

  180. Farted. On.

    I haven’t laughed out loud at something on the computer monitor for a couple of weeks. Thanks for the much needed belly laugh!

  181. i am truly dissappointed that i did not get to see this entire post. i dislike whomever asked you to edit it…very much…

    ugh. well, the first time i ever got to go to disney i was already well into my teenage years, and the only girl over four feet in the princess line. but whatever.

    i remember it sadly similar to your edited version, the only difference was a few obnoxious characters who stepped in front of me to take the pictures. i mean, i know i am not the most attractive woman, but please, i didnt need disney to tell me.

    huh. sometimes i wonder if this is not all an elaborate plot to get back at me for calling someone names in elementary school…

  182. That’s so awesome about the clams. I’m so happy for you. So clever of you to eat bad clams. Did you finally lose a lot of weight?

    Also:

    1.I think you are damn lucky that DPS (Disney Protective Services) did not take custody of your child. I don’t see any theme wear on that kid. Child Abuse! I have a custom made, custom embroidered minnie mouse/princess outfit for Amberleigh to wear each day we spend in the park. With matching plate sized hair bows.

    2. Sorry about the parade. It must suck to have things closed off to you. Since we always get to ride on the floats with the characters, I would not know. But still

    Maybe next time you could dress your daughter better (but skip the hairbows, they won’t make for a convincing chemo story) and push her in a wheelchair, and demand that she gets some service. And glitter hamburgers. Cause she made a wish about sparkly burgers. If she complains just give her one of your xanax. It will help sell the sick story.

    Good luck with that!

    PS. I hate that I missed the redacted stuff. Good thing you took it out. I am easily offended. Especially by your daughter’s appalling lack of decent hairbows.

    Queen B’s last blog post..Holiday Cheer: Cocktails to Keep Your Mother-in-Law Liquored Up & Tolerable

  184. I googled just as comment #126 mentioned and read the whole post. I thought it was funny. I must be going to hell or something. Then again, I already figured that so whatever.

  185. The Blogess has censored herself!?! This is one of the signs of the apocalypse isn’t it? Shit! I’m not ever ready for Christmas yet… let alone the end of the world!

  187. OH WHAT THE FUCK MAN NO WAY I need to see the redacted parts. Reading it now is like watching scrambled porn and you totally know there’s genitalia there but you can’t see it and all you can hear is the moaning OH THE MOANING and it’s just torture.* Please don’t torture me.

    *Torture is probably worse, but I have no basis of comparison.

    P.S: What the hell is up with CommentLuv? I wrote “Unfortunately, Pants” like a month ago, but it’s the one that always comes up on Havi Brook’s site too.

    Johnny Truant’s last blog post..Unfortunately, pants

  188. long time reader, first time commenter… I LOVE your blog, it makes me very happy… and when I read your edited version of this page, I didn’t laugh…too busy wondering what you’d left out… I retrieved the cached version as per the idea of one of the other commenters, read the original post #2 and laughed my ass off.

    If you worry about offending people you might as well just curl up in the corner of a room with tape taped over your mouth and your hands and do kinky bondage porn for the rest of your life (you’re going to rank for kinky bondage porn now too).. anyway, keep blogging – the world needs you

  189. # Lesley says:
    December 11th, 2008 at 10:29 pm

    M-I-C…K-E-Y….O-M-F’ING-G!

    My nomination for Funniest Post. Glitter almost came out my nose, AND I WASN’T DRINKING GLITTER.

    Kari’s last blog post..Winter(ish) Wonderland

  190. I had my own fit at Disney World once – not a happy morning. Make no apologies for your own experience. You’re an adult and are alowed to not be taken in by the “magic” (besides, you have the reputation for being snarky, so people being offended by that should go visit a different blog).

  192. No Disney charater has EVER talked because sometimes Mickey has to be played by a girl and no Goofy could replicate Goofy for real.

    If there wasn’t a sign saying half was closed, you should have asked for a refund.

    I would never ask my readers if they were offended and take down something. I PLAN on being offensive. I took down a friend’s request once then 5 months later put it back. God that was fun.

    Suzy’s last blog post..It’s Everyone Can Bite Me Friday!

  193. Totally agree with another silent commenter #188.

    Put ’em back up. I’m terribly, TERRIBLY sorry for the folks living with cancer. I know it’s a bitch. I’ve lived through it. I kicked cancer in the nuts not once, but TWICE.

    And I laughed all the way through (in between vomiting). If you can’t be happy with what life dealt you, then you’re not living.

    Deal with it and move on.

    Stop making The Bloggess feel all guilty and shit.

    Srsly.

    thedemigod’s last blog post..Five Questions

  194. Uh. I do not have or have I ever had cancer. Neither do my kids. But I still love Disney and want to live there forever even though it cost a million bucks. Maybe try again and take more meds, drink more alcohol or eat more seafood.
    Ps..we met many, many people the 4 days we were there, but by far our favorite couple were these middle age gay men that were crazy drunk no matter what time of day we would run into them. Plus I am drunk right now so I am so not mad at you. Merry Christmas!! daphne

  196. I just read the redacted version. It’s kinda like hearing any rap song that has been edited for radio play. All bass and no eff words.

    Balls.

    P.s. Is it wrong that I’ve printed this blog as a parenting guide?

    Cause I totally am/did.

    I’m going to/may already have laminated that shit and put it on my coffee table right next to my Amy Vanderbilt’s Complete Book of Etiquette.

  198. I have a similar post about Disney World (complete with a naked photo of me in Minnie’s house!) that three years later STILL creates a stir among those who feel that Disney World is a temple at which we all should bow down and worship.

    Nakedness and Disney? Blasphemy! Unless, well, you’re one of those people who is searching for Naked Disney, and then, well…I’m not sure what exactly those people want to find, but I’m their number one hit!

    I wish I had seen the redacted parts. I’m sure they were totally tasteful!

    nakedjen’s last blog post..Naked Jen’s Delicious Revenge on Brangelina!

  199. hehehe. This is so ironic. I have never been on this site before, and got here from googling Make-a-wish Disney, because our trip with my step-son is is 2 weeks. BTW, I would have loved #2, we laugh at our cancer kid all the time, and can’t wait to use it to our advantage and be line-breakers. He does have a butt though.

    Doodlebelle’s last blog post..holiday busyness and vomit

  200. I am so sad that I saw this **after** the edits were made 🙁 <-that is my sad face.
    I love me some Disney World, but I’ve never been there with children, I think that would change things dramatically.
    It looks like you didn’t make it over to Pleasure Island. I think you would’ve enjoyed your trip much more if you had 🙂

    Erin’s last blog post..The Magic of Christmas …Or Macy’s

  201. Alas, I am late to the party! I tried to get the google and yahoo cached pages and could not get to the redacted stuff. And MSN had a cached page from December 2. Slackers.

    But I read every single comment and have to say, how do those kids sit in wheelchairs without butt cheeks? Doesn’t it hurt?

    BTW, I was in WDW just the week before you and my kids totally stayed clear of the oversize animals. We missed the bug farting show, but we did get farted on at the Honey I Shrunk the Audience and at Test Track.

    Angela at mommy bytes’s last blog post..The Little Mermaid rises from my DVD player

  202. just got back myself. love your perspective of things. luckily just missed the parade taping by a day. freakin’ cheatin’ bastards.

    mickey tampon….. mini vagina….

    makes my first monday back bearable. thanx.

  207. A)are you in Houston, because I lived there and all the animals whack it or hump each other, all year long.

    B)I swear I didn’t read this before my post today.

    C)The last time I went to an amusement park I chomped so much Xanax, as the day went by I was licking the crevices of my molars for a contact high.

    traci’s last blog post..You vacation your way and I’ll vacation mine.

  208. re: your update
    you are no asshole. you are the sane-ist person I (don’t)know. (…perhaps those two attributes are not mutual exclusive)

  209. Comment to Steve above– it seems you, like most people, have completely repressed the memories of the storyline about the porno lighting stand-ins.

    All kinds of nudity and simulated sex there– I would have loved to see the look on Jenny’s in-laws’ faces.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..The weather inside is spiteful

  211. I am a day late and a dollar short commenting on this post. Either way, I was going to leave a long ass comment about how I had to search every crevice of the magic kingdom for a maxi pad (so 80’s, i know). But I think I’ll just blog about it, because it would take too damn long to write the whole story.

    Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy’s last blog post..Thank You

  212. OH MY GOODNESS !!! I nearly woke my husband up (he works nights) laughing my ASS off at this post !!! HAHAH… What a riot.. I loved the tampon remark… aw, heck — I loved the WHOLE THING ! 😀

    Thanks for the grins today…

    🙂

    hahahah

  213. the reason i hate disney is because of all the ass holes that like to push and shove and have no manners. i like disney. i hate all of the people who go there.!!!!!

  214. PEOPLE ARE RUDE DICKS WHO HAVE TO PUSH AND SHOVE JUST TO GET AHEAD OF EVERYONE ELSE! PEOPLE LIKE ALL OF YOU MADE MY TRIP THERE MISERABLE!!!!!!!

  215. I’m right in the middle of Disney hell right now. Our first time here, and I freaking hate it. HATE IT. I want to run screaming from the place. But, hey, it’s not about me, right? My son, obviously, loves it, so……..

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