This is one of those posts about how you can make money off your blog but instead of money you get a coupon for a burrito

Victor says I can’t stay home and drink myself to death until I’m making more than $100 a month on my blog so this week I sent out my first real business proposal and Victor was all “So how goes the blog sales?” and I’m all “Awesome.  I’m in discussions with a mucky-muck at Chipotle” and then he looks over my shoulder at the email and is all “WHY ARE YOU DISCUSSING MIDGET PORN ON A BUSINESS PROPOSAL?” like that never happens to him.  It happens, people.  In fact, if you plan on getting private ads this is totally going to happen to you too.  My current negotiations:

Dear Chipotle,
I have a blog that is about ninjas, sasquatch, vagina mittens and other pressing issues.  Shockingly, it is quite popular and is in the technorati top 2,800 which is very impressive but only to about 2800 other people. 

I love your burritos so much so that when I don’t go to Chipotle the people there worry that I’m sick.  It’s kind of awesome if by “awesome” you mean “embarrassing in front of other people”.  If you sponsor my blog I could create some amazing ads, much like the one I have up on my blog right now, which claims that your burritos cure polio.  Also, thank you for curing polio.  Also, I have no fact checker.  And I’m a little drunk. 

Have you ever considered advertising on bizarre blogs that make people laugh and go “WTF?” all at the same time?  Because you should.  In fact, if you paid me a shitload of money it would probably make the NY Times and all the bloggers would be talking about it and you would get so much publicity for supporting the blog arts you wouldn’t even know what to do with it.  And I don’t know what “a shitload” is because this is the first serious business proposal I’ve ever written but I think $100,000 for a year seems totally “shitloadirrific”.  $110,000 and I will even write you into my book, which is going to be awesome and will sell well according to my agent who is not imaginary.  $115,000 and I will throw in a nude photo of myself.  It’s only “mostly nude” though because I want to be able to run for congress one day.

Hugs,
Jenny, the Bloggess

 Jenny,
Thank you for writing us, and it’s great to hear that you are such an amazing fan. I noted your mention of “sasquatch” in its singular sense. Is there more than one sasquatch, and if so, would the plural be “sasquatches,” or is there only one, in which case, should it be capitalized as “Sasquatch?” Or is it more like “fish,” where singular and plural are the same? In any case, as the saying goes, give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day, teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime. Or something like that and blah, blah, blah…. Also, that’s good to hear about our burritos curing polio. Jonas Salk would be thrilled, if he were alive today. And while unfortunately we probably won’t be able to advertize on your blog at this juncture, we can at least appreciate your fandom. I’d like to send you some free burrito coupons for your support.  Please don’t send me any nude photos. We get enough of those already. We hope to hear back from you soon.

Sincerely,

Joe Stupp
Chipotle

Dear Joe,
 I didn’t get the whole “teach a man to fish” thing at first but now I think I understand. You’re saying that you’ll teach me to counterfeit money so I don’t have to rely on you for sponsorship, right?  Because I’ll be honest with you Joe, I’m intrigued.  And by “intrigued” I mean “appalled”.  Unless you can prove to me you aren’t an undercover cop wearing a wire.  Then I’m back to intrigued again. Also, I’m a little insulted that you are rebuffing my naked pictures and even more unsettled that you seem to be implying that you have enough naked pictures of me already.  Those photos are not of me, and also those midgets were photoshopped in after I had already left the motel room. Also, you aren’t supposed to call them midgets, Joe.  You’re supposed to call them “little people”.  Or “Bullet McCoy and Big Todd”. Those might not have been their real names.

I am very disappointed that we were not able to reach a business agreement but I hope you’ll remember me in the future if you decide to try blog advertising because I’d love to be all “Well now the price is ONE MILLION DOLLARS, JOE.  And every second you wait it doubles!”  And God help you if it’s a long weekend and you don’t respond to me for 3 days because then you might as well sign the deed over to me. But yes.  I’d love a coupon for a burrito, Joe.  You are one tough negotiator.

~Jenny

PS.  The sasquatch are a peaceful group of creatures and are cool with being called either “the sasquatch” or “the sasquatches”.  They’re like the Cherokee.  Only hairier.

Jenny,

I can’t technically prove that I’m not an undercover cop wearing a wire and my counterfeiting skills are slim to none (more closely approaching the latter), so I don’t think I could help you there. And the implication was not about naked pictures of you per se, but more about what other people have sent. I was trying to say that it didn’t move us or persuade us. We are immune to your potential wiles. Besides, you said “mostly nude.” What fun is that? Also, grammatically speaking, aren’t periods and such supposed to go inside and not outside the quotation marks? Additionally, is Bullet McCoy nice?

Finally, if there is more than one sasquatch, would they be called Big Feet instead of Big Foot? And you know what they say about big feet, right? Big shoes…. I am always intrigued by herd names.
 -Joe

Dear Joe,

I think it’s very unprofessional of you to distract me with midget porn inquiries when I’m trying to negotiate a contract.  But yes.  Bullet McCoy is very nice when he’s sober.  If you ever see him in person after 10am though you should stand at least 20 feet back because he will be drunker than a pirate and will pee all over you.  Honestly, I’ve seen it happen.  He calls it his “golden autograph”.

Also, I think the quotation mark thing goes both ways (much like Bullet McCoy).  Is that why Chipolte is not considering my advertising proposal? Because of my haphazard punctuation?  Because I happen to know of a best-selling book that has no quotation marks whatsoever.  It’s called “The Bible”.  True story.

Love, Jenny

Next post…selling your plasma to supplement your income.

Comment of the day: Let me tell you about selling plasma. The wind will knock you over when riding your bike home, only to go to sleep and wake up with blowned up arteries so that you can’t move your arms and you look like a robot. ~ Shannon

147 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I totally read that you were proposing supporting the ‘blog farts’ and got all excited. Cause capturing farts is truly an artform.

    Especially when they contain glitter…

    Kelley’s last blog post..Happy New Year! Early. Cause I am all about being first.

  2. If this is what it takes to make $$$ from a blog, I give up. Can I live with your “Sasquatches?”

  3. Wouldn’t the plural sasquatch be sasquatchi?

    I also think I need to add “shitloadiriffic” to my everyday vocabulary. Am currently thinking right now how to incorporate it in my lesson plans at school. Will let you know how it goes.

    Also, how much do you charge to write business plans? I might need some help… ;)

    Happy New Year!

    Shash’s last blog post..The Year That Was

  4. I thought I was lame because I’m in my mid 30′s and I’m home blogging on NYE, but then I came here and realized I’m not the only one.

    In the time it took me to type this shit on my iPhone you probably got 67 comments.

  5. Dearest Jenny-the-Bloggess,

    So, we’re having a riveting NYE party (yes, I know YOU know this is NOT a NYC misspelling because I just saw your tweet), and I just showed your blog to my friends Paige and Stephanie while the husbands watch football or Dick Clark or Bullet McCoy vs. Joe Stupp in lawn bowling.

    Thank you for living up to the hype with this spectacular display of Bloggessness at its best. They laughed even though they didn’t know what the heck you were talking about.

    I, on the other hand, laughed because I knew EXACTLY what you were talkin’ about.

    xo

  6. Better not let the newsies see this or they’ll misquote it.

    “Burrito eating Sasquatch Run for Congress Ruined by Nude Photo Session with the Bloggess.”

    Jim’s last blog post..Spin Cycle: New Year’s Resolutions

  7. “supporting the blog arts”

    Wow maybe this is why I never get coupons for burritos. I blog but not at the art level as The Blogess.

    Condo Blues’s last blog post..Re-Nest Puts Condo Blues in the Best of 2008 Creative Reuse Club!

  8. Hey, I’ve sold plasma! You get real lightheaded and if you drink that night (or ok, later that day) you get shitfaced much more easily. Just don’t get drunk and get tattoos. Then you’ll have to wait 6mos to donate again cause apparently dying people have something against inked up winos. Assholes.

    Joey’s last blog post..It’s funny cause they’re for children

  9. OMG. WTF.

    Rhea’s last blog post..Pause

  10. So, are you ghost writing for the next “Letters from a Nut” book?

    Seriously, thanks for making me giggle in the last few minutes of the year. I like to end things on a good note.

    Grey Street Girl’s last blog post..Wishing you…

  11. Happy New Year, Jenny The Bloggess. I enjoy the hell out of your blog more than I can ever tell you. Thank you for the constant, wonderful worth-a-gagillion-dollars-yet-I-get-it-for-free entertainment. And you should be nominated for the Most SUPER-GINORMOUS Blog award. F that “Very Large Blog” thing. And while we’re at it, F theblogess and thebloggress. They’ve got nothing on you.

    Much love to you and your family. xoxo

    Lesley’s last blog post..2008: The Year In Photos (None of Which I Took Myself, Of Course, Because What Do I Look Like? A Photojournalist?) (I HAVE NO IDEA, ACTUALLY)

  12. I’m half-retarded. Is this real or are you just humoring me!?

    Erika Jean’s last blog post..FYI: Great Big Humongous Giveaway

  13. I can’t explain it, but reading your posts gives me an anxiety attack, and I like it.

    Betsey’s last blog post..Lofty Aspirations

  14. I’m a little drunk, and I just wet myself reading your post. My husband asked what my problem was and I tried to explain about the sacquatches and he just stared at me. Hilarious.

    Malibu Niki’s last blog post..but I’m not gonna let ‘em catch me, no

  15. Now why didn’t it put my blog link at the bottom when I typed on my phone?

    I’d buy you an automatic starter for your toaster if I found one.

    Lisa Walsh’s last blog post..It’s Too Bad We Can’t Charge A Hummer

  16. In order to get into your book, would I have to submit a nude photo or give you coupons for burritos?

    A Cowboy’s Wife’s last blog post..What Will 2009 Bring for A Cowboy’s Wife

  17. this is a really timely post for me. im so glad you shared. now i wont have to waste my time sending only partially nude photos with my business proposals.

    JOE, call me….

  18. I think I peed my pants a little reading that! Or I caught some spray from the golden autograph…one of those.

    Katrina’s last blog post..Protected: Oh Pukemas tree, oh pukemas tree, how many are thy branches?

  19. Vagina mittens now? Was that the hot stocking stuffer of ’08?

    I miss out on EVERYTHING.

  20. After you’re richer than shit from your own blog, will you help me get some better advertisers for LT? I have no midget porn of my own, and I think that’s why Federated Media won’t reply to me.

    Or maybe it was the “porn with limes” that made them take out that restraining order….

    Either way.

    Cole’s last blog post..100 most popular baby names of 2008

  21. I wonder if Sasquatchi (the proper pluralization, by the way) even like burritos.

  22. Midget porn and nude pics. Oh, and there was that whole “spermophile” thing. And the sarong and snake incident…

    …where was I? Oh, right. What I’m saying is, your blog, y’know, it doesn’t exactly scream “Chipotle”. Oh, sure, it screams something; just not “Chipotle”.

    Have you considered a sponsor more in tune with the subject matter?

    Steve’s last blog post..Happy Whatever

  23. Wait, you can get burrito coupons for blogging? DAMNIT.

  24. I brought the New Year in by doing the following. I took a shower, clipped my finger nails, and read your blog. I am not going to be coy about it, reading your blog was a tie for first.

    My wife is passed out asleep next to me, exhausted, pregnant, adorable.

    Seeing as how you are now rolling in free burrito coupons I was wondering if you could maybe throw some my way to help feed the baby since we are so poor we share one can of mini beef ravioli a week.

    Speaking of ravioli, I think Chef Boyaredee should be who you hit up next they like to laugh. They must. They invented mini ravioli.

    Ryan’s last blog post..There Goes The Fear

  25. Well, I, for one, cannot understand their hesitation in sponsoring you! Other than maybe the fact that the guy you were talking to was named Stupp. I don’t know what that name means but it weirded me out a little that all he seemed to care about was your buddy Bullet. I’m thinkin’ Joe has a few different meanings for “spicy” if you know what I mean. And I know I just used quotes and had no idea where the period was supposed to be after reading his letter…

    Mr. Noodle

    Mr. Noodle’s last blog post..Heroic Block Party…

  26. Now I’m happy this was the first blog post I read in 2009. Way to set the tone. Can’t wait to see what’s next..

    veep veep’s last blog post..Getting Ready for 2009

  27. Damn you got the first laugh out of me for 2009, you win.
    hehe
    amazing

    Ian MacLellan’s last blog post..Woods + Snow

  28. they don’t know what they’re missing out on.

  29. I have to look for a new job this year. I’ll pay you a $100 for a resume and cover letter.

    Captain Dumbass’s last blog post..A Tale Of Two Sicknesses, or The White Plague

  30. Jenny, I must say… you definitely put a bang in the beginning of my new year. (:

    However, I’m curious as to how the sasquatch population would feel as to the unauthorized use of their kind in this business proposal. Hmm… hope they don’t have a good, asshole lawyer.

  31. I think perhaps you should try this in reverse. Perhaps you could convince them to pay you not to blog about them.

  32. You made me Smedley-laugh with this one, you whore.

    HAPPEH NYOO YURRS, Teh Jenneh!

  33. I call it my Golden Signature.

    Oh and I got your favorite burrito right here.

    Bullet McCoy’s last blog post..Warning

  34. I’m thinking if you posted the heavily photoshopped midget porn on this site you’d make plenty of dough from your existing ads. The comments might get a bit dicey though….. Happy New Years.

    clickmom’s last blog post..surprise!

  35. Happy New Year Bloggess. Don’t spend your coupon all in one place.

    katie ~ motherbumper’s last blog post..warped flashbacks with soundtrack

  36. I love that the ad in the sidebar states that people with mental illness can get better. Apparently your current ad company thinks you might be mentally ill.

    I don’t, though. Happy New Year! Enjoy that coupon.

    Heather’s last blog post..The Cast of Characters

  37. Dear Bloggrreess:

    I wish to make money off my site. Please forward to me the nude photos you offered Burrito Boy, so I can post them on my site instead.

    Regards,

    Desperate for Beans

  38. I so hope that’s real. I hope there really is a Chipotle Joe out there responding in a funny manner to The Bloggess. Because that would be awesome.

    Carolyn Online’s last blog post..I heard Kathy Griffin say "nipple" and "dick" on CNN last night and that has nothing to do with this post.

  39. This is totally and completely the real correspondence between me and Chipotle Joe. Honestly, I couldn’t even make this up.

    Here’s his bio: http://www.rockymountainnews.com/news/2008/jul/25/chipotles-loyal-employees-wrapped-in-success/

  40. You should come do the local triathlon with me next year. Free Chipotle burritos. Best part is that after all that swimming, biking, and running, you can eat like twelve of them and still be at a caloric deficit.

    mothergoosemouse’s last blog post..No hangover. Definitely a good start to the New Year.

  41. i didn’t think any public exchange could get more random than the Blagojevich -Burris press conference on the last day of 2008. You topped it! Offer Joe a senate seat in illinois. That’s the currency, Bloggess. Nude photos are like victorlas! So last century!

    nin’s last blog post..Landing the Wild Geese

  42. I hereby boycott those burrito people. I don’t even like burrito’s much, but still…

    juliejulie’s last blog post..Starting Something Big – Preparing for my Oprah Moment

  43. As a fellow Chipotle addict (Located in Tucson, Arizona) I can only hope they get what a mark ($$$$$) they could make advertising in the blog world (on your blog only. Fuck the other “bloggers” who failed to ask them for a partnership). Hell, we are their clients. Who else but us with our asses pinned to a desk chair (comfy deep cushioned sofa) all day can in good conscience eat one of those 27.35 pound gut bombs, er…I mean from the hand of God burritos? We don’t have to see people so who cares what we look like? And, so many cool clothes come in stretchy fabrics these days. Chipotle I challenge you to be “remarkable” in the Seth Godin sense of the word and give this midget porn watching, not afraid of the word vagina writing, mega influencing (Top 2800 on something that counts these things) hottie (Woman) some cash. Momma needs some bourbon!

    Feel free to add .03 cents to each steak burrito bowl to recapture the investment you make in this medium call the The Bloggess.

    Cha Cha Cha!

    Bryant

    P.S. I can provide my address for Free Burritos when you need to up your store traffic count.

  44. So if Chipotle Joe changes his mind and puts his ads in your blog, will you be obliged to mention burritos in every post, or just when you write about midget porn or sasquatch?
    Happy NYC, Jenny!

  45. Once again, I am left speechless by your wack-o post. Hilarious! FYI: I think Bullet McCoy’s comment above is a winner!

    amysprite’s last blog post..One Morning a Week….

  46. See I assumed you were already sponsored by Chipotle and that’s why there was a picture of smokey the bear where the ads go.

    Also, why did Mr Farty wish you a Happy New York City? Is that what we’re doing now? I knew that! Happy Minneapolis to you !

    xoxo, Amy

    ShallowGal’s last blog post..Suburban Dictionary Word of the Day: FLUcation (1)

  47. I’m still trying to figure out what the collective noun is for “moms.” My husband suggested “rack of moms” or “herd of moms.” I’d ask what Joe thinks of this, but he obviously doesn’t have a brain for advertising. Why are you sending business proposals to their menu writers, anyway?

    mrtl’s last blog post..Going Out with a Bang

  48. Okay that was hilarious! Does Joe have a blog, website, soap box? If he doesn’t, maybe you can push him into setting one up.

  49. 49
    Dick Dirgler

    I suppose they’ll be saying it’s really Nick “NOTLE.” Chipotle…pfff!

  50. Strange how curious he was about the “sasquatch” nomenclature. Only leaves one explanation – he is one. He was baiting you! Bastard.

  51. Joe totally needs to get a blog.

    Momo Fali’s last blog post..#11 Stop Reading Magazines.

  52. Can you send a couple of those free burrito coupons my way? Thanks.

    kel’s last blog post..Predictable New Year’s Post

  53. Oh, thanks for the tip. Perhaps I’ll start discussing midget porn in my business proposals and it will increase my revenue this year. I’d totally go for a free burrito at Chipotle.

    Wanda’s last blog post..Good Bye 2008. Don’t let the door hit you in the backside on your way out.

  54. First of all, if your husband would simply become an engineer (I have one of those) or something equally lucrative, you wouldn’t have to sell your blog to fast food empires however tasty the food may be. But that is a moot point, right? You can’t send Victor back to university at this late date. That would just mean he would get to stay home and study, and you would have to get a second job.

    Maybe you are on to something with the midget porn? Porn sites generate lots of money because people will pay you just to get a look. Otherwise, there are ponzi schemes – it worked for that Madoff guy – oh, but you have to have something to sell. Do you have something to sell other than plasma? I don’t think that would lend itself to a good ponzi.

    annie’s last blog post..Ringing in the New Year

  55. I wonder how many people are now emailing joe offering him nude photos for free burritos! And if you can’t get advertising on your blog then there’s no hope for any of us!

    gingela5’s last blog post..This is Why I Can’t be a Stay At Home Wife…

  56. See? This is the kind of post that I read and then wish I had written it. And then go grumbling back to my site, delete all my drafts, and turn off the computer.

    Please change your title accordingly.

    wordnerd’s last blog post..A Truly Happy New Year

  57. These ARE your people. Really. You’ve finally found where you belong.

    Enjoy the burritos…

    V-Grrrl’s last blog post..Everything

  58. That’s it, I’m going to start writing companies and tell them about all the catholic nun sex that I write about. Like nuns who eat snatch, except I didn’t really write about that until someone found me through google with that. So, then I had to, right?

    shonda’s last blog post..Auld Land Syne in 2009

  59. [...] links to their favorite blog posts of the year, which was a lot of fun. I would do the same This is one of those posts about how you can make money off your blog but instead of money you get a… – thebloggess.com 01/01/2009 Victor says I can’t stay home and drink myself to death until I’m [...]

  60. I hope they are paying you for this post, because now I really want a burrito from Chipotle. I’ll have to wait until my husband leaves, though, because I don’t want to get into the whole “Chipotle is just a Freebirds knock-off” thing.

    Hey, you should write a proposal to Freebirds – probably more your crowd anyway.

    Katy’s last blog post..A Year in Review

  61. Huh, apparently I’m not the only one who keeps sending nude photos to Chipotle. Maybe we should form a club.

    jess’s last blog post..For Christy. Epic win: Spirograph

  62. I’ve been told I was funny but after reading this post, I seriously considered giving up writing altogether. Hilarious. I’ve now gone from “funny” to “my stuff is cutey/funny”.

    I’m a fan forever.

    Jessica Bern’s last blog post..Dumb and Dumber and DUMBEST.

  63. “Little people” porn ftw!

    Brandy’s last blog post..Resolutions Require Solutions…Blah!

  64. 1. I LOVE that this is real.

    2. I’d love Joe too, but he’d have to take those sandals off first.

    Elizabeth’s last blog post..Things

  65. I bet you totally have an FBI more than an inch thick.

  66. file

  67. I was wondering WTF an FBI was for a moment.

    Mr Farty’s last blog post..Computer Terms Illustrated #16

  68. Well, obviously the reason they didn’t accept your proposal is that you misspelled “Chipotle” in the last letter. That is SO unprofessional.

  69. Fuck, I kind of have a small crush on Joe Stupp. I could never date him though. I’d make one too many stupid jokes about his “burrito” and he would dump me.

    Cory’s last blog post..no fish were harmed in the making of this blog post…wait…scratch that…YES THEY WERE!

  70. Joe misspelled “Advertise”. Why would you want to do business with crackpots like that anyway?

    The Cotton Wife’s last blog post..A New Season. Warning: Don’t Eat While Viewing. Also… It’s Not Really Two-Headed. It Just Looks That Way.

  71. Have you ever considered opening a burrito company and advertising on your blog and then pay yourself for it? everyone wins.

    Georgette’s last blog post..Here’s to 2008.

  72. How on earth did I ever miss your post on vagina mittens? Are they anything like cock socks?

    Jeff’s last blog post..Thank you… I’ll be your entertainment for the evening.

  73. you just reminded me that i need to make a stop at chipotle before i head back up to canada on sunday. thank you.

    and holy crap this was hilarious. i love them so much more now because your email exchange. i’d like to meet joe someday. she seems swell. even though he’s a jerk for not paying you what you obviously deserve.

    happy new year, jenny!

  74. I bet if you sexually harrassed emailed Chipotle Joe 100 times a month, he’d send you a 100 coupons. You can eat yourself to death instead.

    That sounds way meaner than I meant it. I only meant it to be a little mean. Most likely because I’m jealous that I never sweet talked my way into a free burrito, even when I show up with naked pictures.

    Katie’s last blog post..Peace Out, 2008

  75. Clearly this Joe guy is in the wrong profession. You simply don’t pass up an offer this good if you’re in the marketing business and his weird fixation on midgets and Sasquatch name plurals leads me to believe that he’d be a much better fetish porn magazine editor. Or veterinarian.

    bejewell’s last blog post..Why This is NOT a New Year’s Post

  76. I really think you should’ve stopped after you got the free burritos. And, their corporate office is right by my house – so if you want to flash Joe in person, I’ll let you crash at my place.

    Anglophile Football Fanatic’s last blog post..The 5th Horseman of the Apocalypse

  77. 77
    Just A. Reader

    I have a Big Foot!

    It makes buying shoes a bitch.

  78. Hmmm … I dunno … I think you should stay journalistically pure and thumb your nose — theoretically, of course, because can you do that with your finger disease? — at crass commercialism and common money-grubbingness. That’s my excuse, uh, I mean, my plan for not making big blogging bucks.

    Cathy’s last blog post..New Year Countdown

  79. Maybe Joe will give you a bunch of coupons for a blog giveaway–and you can Ebay them for extra income. It’s got to pay more than BlogHer Ads, huh? :)

    Jaci’s last blog post..I Blame It On the Quail

  80. Dear Jenny,

    Now that you have managed to work midgets, sasquatch(es) and The Bible into one blog post, we see what a tremendous force you are, and we we indeed like to advertise with you.

    Will we get free quotation marks with that?

    Love,
    Chipotle

    MommyTime’s last blog post..Happy New Year! (Now, Let’s Get to Work…)

  81. You are so wrong, I love it.

    flutter’s last blog post..My new job

  82. GODDAMMIT, Jenny. I was just about to safely, squarely, and cleanly bust Joe down for his shameful misspelling of the word, “advertise,” which is different than his jazzy, upbeat, “advertize.” Then you went and fucked it up by misspelling “Chipotle.” Why did you have to do it, “Chipolte”? Goddammit, and that whole punctuation and comma issue is really messing with my head. It’s New Year’s Day, Jenny. Stop causing me trouble.

    liv’s last blog post..Half empty? Half full? Hmmm..

  83. That Chipotle Joe is spicy.

    janet’s last blog post..Anticipation

  84. Clearly, m’dear, you have a team of writers locked up in your basement. How else is all this possible?

    Mad’s last blog post..The Year of the Blog

  85. What if you ran a thing like a readathon, but instead we pay by the word for you to stay home and blog drunkenly?

    I’m not sure how long I’d be able to continue to pay though, because I think after the first few days of laughing uncontrollably, I would have done myself an irreversible injury and would no longer be able to work, so wouldn’t be able to pay you by the word to blog drunkenly any longer. Unless I could find someone to pay me to read drunken blog posts by the word….

    Unless I pull an eyeball muscle, in which case I’m just all sorts of fucked and will just give up now because I think that will hurt.

    Don’t make me laugh anymore please, my health insurance isn’t that good.

    Also, I’m Australian. WTF is chipotle? And why do they advertise in midget porn?

  86. I think you had the right idea with the Chipotle guys, but maybe the wrong victim. Chipotle doesn’t need Jenny as much as Jenny needs Chipotle, capisce? So maybe you start a little smaller with the guys who make the foot pads that suck the nasty shit out of your body or more perfect is the perverted John Waters looking guy on the infomercial about cleansing your colon.

    On a side note, I am glad that I am back at work today because I can catch up with your neuroses because apparently I am too busy to read your blog unless I at work.

  87. Hilarious!

    Mara J.’s last blog post..Happy Fucking Hanukkah

  88. [...] The Bloggess negotiates with Chipotle – in an effort to make money off her blog, The Bloggess emailed Chipotle about sponsoring her blog – and they responded. More than once. [...]

  89. First of all – JESUS, when do you post these, because I’ve never been in the comments any earlier than about 99th (okay, this time I was 87th, but that’s just because nobody is awake at 8:30 a.m. the Friday after New Years).

    But, I digress (even though I don’t know what that means.) One day I told Chipotle that I had come in for the second day in a row because I love their veggie burrito bowl so much, and they gave it to me for free, so I’m not so sure they have a very good marketing group to begin with. But I wouldn’t give up on the business proposal just yet, because you obviously have mad skillz to impress a “mucky muck” like Joe. Of course, “Joe” probably works in the mail room, and, by the way, he is right about the punctuation.

    Side note – I can’t wait to see what kind of hits you get on the blog for mentioning Chipotle, Sasquatch AND the Bible all in one post. YOU RULE.

    P.S. Just so you know, I love you and want to be you in my next life.

  90. Loverly. Made me hungry for a burrito.

    PS: You can made TWO hundred a month by selling your plasma. And you can lay on the bed and blog all at the same time!! Of course *I* can’t. I am now on “mood stablizers” that disqualifies me as a donater… go figure. They only wanted my “crazy-ass” blood product.

    PSS: I LOVE “quotation” marks…

  91. So if a lot of Sasquatches/i are together and maybe roaming around some suburbs or viciously charging a Chipotle, are they a herd? A gaggle of Sasquatch(es/i)? A bevy? A shitload? A school? An army? The burning question remains…

  92. Oh my word, how have I not found you before now!?!?! Thanks so much for the visit to my little slice.

    I’m so thrilled to also find such a perfect proposal template. Hubs has threatened to cut off the wireless unless I start pulling in some Benjamins with my “waste of time.”

    Ingrate. He should be happy I blog to get rid of the voices.

    I’ll be back!!

    Em’s last blog post..F.F.F.T. – Marriage. It ain’t just a river in Egypt.

  93. Let me tell you about selling plasma. the wind will knock you over when riding your bike home, only to go to sleep and wake up with blowned up arteries so that you can’t move your arms and you look like a robot.

  94. I would like to negotiate a contract to advertise on your site. I do not have burrito coupons, nor do I have $115,000 (of course I’ll want the nearly-nude photograph).

    However, I am willing to offer two volumes of Midgets: Mingle & Moan, as well as my world-renoun licking abilities.

    I’ll be waiting for your counter.

    Cat’s last blog post..The Trouble With Being Proactive

  95. Note to self: Never read the bloggess at work. secretly. while trying to listen to a conference call. with my boss.

    thedemigod’s last blog post..Just Perhaps

  96. And I am thusly inspired to try Chipotle.

  97. You’re awesomeness personified. Thanks for the laugh!

    Mistress Mom’s last blog post..My Therapist Is on Vacation

  98. [...] sing Creedence Clearwater Revival’s Midnight Special. Well, you wake up in the mornin, you hear the work bell ring, And they march you to the table to see the same old thing. Aint no food upon the table, and no pork [...]

  99. That is fucking awesome!! I love that he spoke your language.

  100. I have read your blog numerous times but have always been too shy to comment because you get so many of them. But I just have to say that your writing is better than naked-midget-sex-on-late-night-TV-after-a-night-of-drinking-and-gallivanting-around-NYC.

    This is AWESOME.

    Kristina Brooke aka Mom on the Rise’s last blog post..Looking Back on 2008

  101. I have wild monkey sex with chipotle burritos on a fairly regular schedule…those may be the photos he’s referring to.

    mama’s losin’ it’s last blog post..Reasons I Love My Husband

  102. “WHY ARE YOU DISCUSSING MIDGET PORN ON A BUSINESS PROPOSAL?” like that never happens to him. It happens, people. In fact, if you plan on getting private ads this is totally going to happen to you too.

    It totally happens! I can vouch for that.

    -Shortly Hung (aka Hung Shortly)

    slag’s last blog post..Bush’s Brain on Books

  103. Burritos give me gas. Otherwise I’D be begging those damn chiptole burrito people myself.

    (I can always tell who had Mexican for dinner when teaching Kindergarten. ALWAYS…)

    Vodkamom’s last blog post..Start the Year With a Laugh

  104. Is it bad that I immediately went, “Wait, you can sell your plasma?” And then realized that I don’t exactly know what the fuck plasma even IS… but am still kind of wondering how much mine goes for.

    Mama needs to pay some bills.

    Kimmers’s last blog post..Your standard list of resolutions

  105. I am pleased, yet disturbed, to find out that this is all 100% true. I mean Joe actually speaks Bloggess lingo so well I thought for sure you were having an email conversation with yourself. Which would still be cool… in a disturbing way.

    Summer’s last blog post..Happy 2009!

  106. I am completely sold on Chipotle now. This is what it took, true, but it worked.

  107. Okay, point blank, this is hysterical! Love that you e-stalked Chipotle and their response kicks ass.

    katie schwartz’s last blog post..08 WASN’T GREAT. 09 WILL BE SUPER FINE

  108. Chipotle ranks way up there with Things I Miss From The States.
    * sigh *

  109. I think your barking up the wrong advertising tree here. Shouldn’t you be schmoozing the makers of Xanax or Captain Morgan or something. I think you are much more up their alley than guys who sit on trash cans to show how “hip and fun” they are. Just sayin’. I mean the man doesn’t even know it is their beans that cure polio, not their burritos. No wonder he is not enlightened enough to want “little people” porn staring TheBloggess!

  110. I laughed out loud and showed my teeth several times reading your dialogue with Joe. I think you are my new favorite blogger! Enjoy your free burrito!

    pinkandgreenmama’s last blog post..Happy New Year!

  111. Hey there. Just because Chipotle doesn’t want to see you naked doesn’t mean that there aren’t old geriatric men who are willing to give you prunes and support hose for you to show your wares…

    BTW… Just because I haven’t been around lately, here is a DRIVE BY SQUIDDING!

    Houston’s last blog post..Merry Christmas

  112. Oh Shit. I was laughing so hard the tears were pouring down my face. And shaking. And holding my hands over the words “Midget porn” when my kids came into the room to see why the hell Mommy was shaking and laughing so loudly that they couldn’t hear their Star Wars Clone Wars…

    Damn. Can you just imagine the guy’s face as he read your emails? And the time he must have taken to make sure he was equally hysterical as you are?

    I love you. Really.

    tracey’s last blog post..Debauchery. DeeeeBAUCHeriiiiieeeeee!!!!

  113. Your blog is the best hangover cure.

  114. Methinks you ought to negotiate a smokin’ deal with the midget porno stars. They would be all over that like flies on a pile. Not that I’m suggesting your blog is a pile…because it’s totally not, and it would be totally weird and awkward and out of line to suggest such a thing. But if your blog were a pile? I’d so be a fly.

  115. Holy shit.

    I’m happy to know there are others like me who can survive on Chipotle alone. When I am gone from my nearby Chipotle for too long, the hardcore lech who works there also thinks that I am injured. But it’s ok because when I show up again, he gives me free shit. Which is awesome even if he is a total lech.

    Come to think of it, he sort of looks like Sasquatch. Well – more like if Sasquatch reproduced with ET.

    Yes, he’s one sexy biotch.

    trannyhead’s last blog post..While You Say Goodbye, I Say Hello

  116. Aw, man! I thought when I read your title that we all got Chipotle coupons. What a ripoff.

    Lunasea’s last blog post..

  117. I think maybe I’m not going to win this blog award thing.

  118. I really like how you signed the first email with “Hugs” like you were enveloping the man at Chipotle with your proposition of love and naked photos.

    And additionally, I’ve never eaten at Chipotle, can I have your free burrito coupon? Or better yet, I can email Joe on your behalf and let him know that you are truly generating revenue and then maybe he’ll give you TWO coupons.

    I just doubled your ad revenue. I’m practically a marketing genious.

    Overflowing Brain’s last blog post..Guilt(y)

  119. Who ironically can’t spell the word genius.

    Frick.

    Overflowing Brain’s last blog post..Guilt(y)

  120. You made me laugh out loud with that. We seem to conduct business negotiations in the same way.

    Joely Black (@TheCharmQuark on Twitter)’s last blog post..Because I can’t bake cookies

  121. According to this thing, your site is worth $30 per day in ad revenue. That’s $900 a month. I’d say slap some Google AdSense ads on here and see what happens.

    Steve’s last blog post..Happy Whatever

  122. Just curious – why do you discuss midget porn on a business proposal!?

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..You find the most interesting stuff at the Museum gift shops

  123. nice.

    btw: is there such a thing as a midget sasquatch?

  124. Surely they’ll pay you now. The polio cure will help dispel the nasty rumor that their burritos are Tay Sachs carriers.

    stackhats’s last blog post..Bubble Gait

  125. I asked a Sasquatch. He confirmed that plural is Sasquatch. There are no dangling s’s.

    pamela’s last blog post..Heron on The Roof

  126. I just think it’s awesome that you have “vagina” in the first line of your first business proposal. Huge props!

    Also, I think Joe should start a blog. Especially if he’s into herd names. That’s cool shit.

    Haley-O’s last blog post..A Cheaty Little Holiday Stalking (and More…)

  127. $115K was selling yourself a little short, I think. How many of these franchises do they have anyway? You have to think relative when you’re selling your body…

    Ooooh, plasma! Hold on, let me grab my notepad!

    (Nice blog.)

    Greg’s last blog post..Musicforthemorningafter

  128. [...] This evening we took a break from the video games and world peace cookies(I have become addicted to baking them) to head out to Harvard and Kendall square for Dinner and a movie. For dinner we went to Wagamama near Harvard, by Heather’s suggestion. I think she read about it in the Boston Globe Magazine or G as it is called now. It was very unique. The waitstaff carry digital devices to take orders and have the ingenious idea to write the number of the items, drinks, food, and sides, on the placemat of each customer so any waitstaff member can place the food correctly, without too much hassle. They also had a wonderful fresh fruit drink selection, I had a Apple-Lime juice that somehow worked. I ordered it mainly because I didn’t think those flavors could go together. Emily and Heather both ordered some melon juice mixed and their drinks looked and tasted very different. Both were good, but if you are a person who wants perfect consistency, Wagamama might not be for you. Also say that name out loud, Wagamama, it’s a sweet name, I approve. I got ginger chicken udon, which came with the largest noodles I have ever known. Overall a great experience and I’d highly reccomend visiting. I didn’t realize this before, but looking at their website, they are everywhere, so check out their website and go visit. They didn’t pay me to say that, but they should. The bloggess has a really good post about trying to get money from Chipotle for advertising, but ending up with just …. [...]

  129. You make me wish I had never learned tact.

    Undomestic Diva’s last blog post..I met Katy Perry and I liked it

  130. Dood, I’ll advertise on your blog. I have two McDonald’s coupon books, a tin of stale cookies, a few sausage logs and cheeseballs, and a totally gnarly xmas ornament in which Jesus appears as a hologram. These were the gifts this Jewish blogger got this year. I think Victor might forget about the $100 rule if he had a port wine cheeseball.

    Jane’s last blog post..I Can’t Live If Living Is Without You

  131. I keep coming back to read the comments. Just the commentluv titles coupled with the comments left make for an interesting read…

    tracey’s last blog post..Debauchery. DeeeeBAUCHeriiiiieeeeee!!!!

  132. I love burritos but I’ve never been to a chipotle. Knowing that they’re run by people like this I want to go to one more than ever.
    When I do stuff like thar I generally don’t get replies, I just get the bewildered/disturbed look of my bf, “why are you talking about hentai again?!?!?!”
    I told him I’m not the only one that has this type of material on my mind but he says it’s ok for you because you have a blog and are semi-internet famous.
    I’ll show him…

    Angelita’s last blog post..I’m a Whiner…

  133. Jenny, if I sold Burritos I’d totally pay you to advertise them on your blog. Also, I’d be interested in that Little People Porn. Which is odd since “Little People” is a toy line for children. And now I’m thinking you should totally contact the Little People folks and threaten to make porn out of their little dollies in the barns and Noah’s ark setups if they don’t sponsor your blog. Then? You could get more burritos!

    Kim @ Ponytaildiaries.com’s last blog post..2008? You’re welcome

  134. Well that’s it! We are officially going on strike against Chipotle until they either give you their advertising dollars, or accept your nude photo, whichever comes first! Which might work better if we actually HAD a Chipotle, but don’t worry about the details right now. We’re on strike!

  135. PLEASE tell me that Chipotle really wrote those email replies, because that would further cement their place in my heart as coolest company ever.

    I mean, I already love them, but this would really clinch it…

  136. Chipotle really wrote those email replies. True story. They haven’t replied to my last email though. Or the one I sent today with a link to this post. I can only assume they’re busy pulling together a hefty contract to offer me.

  137. Can I say I love you even though I do not? Anyway, today I have been drinking Flor de Cana and a “shitload” of cervezas. (I live in Costa Rica) and your blog is so fucking funny. It’s funny when I am sober, but it is Fucking Hilarious when I am drunk!

    ~Cheers

    Jim Gaudet’s last blog post..This is Way too Personal…

  138. When I visited my cousin at Ohio State his roommate sold some plasma to buy whiskey. He got drunk extra fast. So you might want to look into that.

    meredythbyrd’s last blog post..In France, cooking is a serious art form and a national sport. – Julia Child

  139. So my friends and I went out for sushi tonight, and not only did I tell them you lived in Houston and all I wanted for my birthday was for you to come out and party with us (it’s in October-get ready), but I also pulled out my friend’s iphone and read this post to them…and they laughed and laughed (although others in the restaurant were bothered by all your cursing-shame on you!) and when we had our next saki bomb we actually did our “cheers” to YOU! Ok, I’m going to regret telling you this once the saki wears off….

    Cory’s last blog post..no fish were harmed in the making of this blog post…wait…scratch that…YES THEY WERE!

  140. Totally not cool, Jen!!! I woke up the baby in the next room and the hubby down the hall, and threw out my back, and wet myself a little and I’m in my new Christmas present computer chair so now it’s broken in like a new puppy bed all cause you can’t keep your funny to yourself!!! ~ Thank God!

    Aria’z Ink’s last blog post..Blah Tea and Sowhat Cakes

  141. Hmm, would they send me a coupon for a burrito bowl?

  142. I have been squirting out golden autographs just reading this – to whom – I don’t know. Congrats on your award from Oh, The Joy.

    Merrily’s last blog post..A Chip off the ole Atomic Disintegrator

  143. [...] and I cry laughing (or is that laugh crying?) whenever I read their posts.   I mean go read: This is one of those posts about how you can make money off your blog but instead of money you get a… and tell me you don’t start laughing your ass off.  I’ll just have to remember not to [...]

  144. [...] Then when I was going through a extended quiet period at work that was rapidly eating through my sanity, I came across this post [...]

  145. [...] This. Well, this is just funny. 7 Comments Spotlight [...]

  146. It’s ‘Sasquatchages’ like the plural of coccyx is coccyges.
    However, when they unite to form a resistance, it is a ‘glaring’ of Sasquatch.

    We all know that now, after the Sasquatch Resistance of 2010.

  147. 147
    Lady Penelope

    It’s ‘Sasquatchages’, like the plural of coccyx is coccyges.
    However, if the Sasquatchages unite to form a Resistance, then they are known as a ‘glaring’.

    We know that now from the Great Sasquatch Resistance of 2010.

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