This dog’s broken

This is not a real post.  It’s just an update on my last one.  Real post coming…

So apparently there’s already a famous pug named Chester and another one named Truman and Victor hated “Mr. Pickles” so I brought up Anissa’s suggestion that we name him “My Vagina” because it would be awesome to hear our (male) vet be all “Someone hook an IV up to My Vagina”.  “My Vagina looks lonely.”  “Who gave My Vagina a squeaky toy?”  “My Vagina is extremely overweight.  What are you feeding it?” and then there would be some much-needed levity one day when the vet has to say “I’m sorry, but My Vagina has terminal cancer” and we’d all laugh and laugh.  And then, many years from now, we’ll have a tiny gravestone that says only “My Vagina:  In our hands for a moment, Now with Jesus forever.”   And then I couldn’t stop giggling about all the adventures I’d have with My Vagina and Victor was all “I don’t think you’re mature enough to have a puppy”.  So instead we named him Barnaby Jones (Pickles). 

So I took that mock-up I made of Barnaby Jones with his dreidel earrings and emailed it to the piercing hut to see how much it would cost and they didn’t respond at all.  Probably because they’re anti-semitic.  So then I emailed them again and said “Okaaay, how about a belly ring?” and I haven’t gotten a response but I guess that doesn’t even matter because right after that I rolled Barnaby Jones over and discovered HE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A BELLY BUTTON.  And I called Victor and I’m like “This dog’s all broken” but then I went online to look at pictures of other dogs’ stomachs and it turns out that none of them have belly buttons which doesn’t make sense at all because almost all animals have umbilical cords so why is it that no animals have belly buttons except for dolphins and now that I think about it I’m not even sure that that thing on the top of a dolphin is even a belly button?

Then later I took Barnaby Jones to the pet store and I was all “Where do you keep the collars with the kegs on them?” and the clerk just looked at me and I was all “You know?  Those little whisky kegs that St. Bernards carry arround in the Alps?” and the clerk was like “Uh…we don’t have anything like that” and I was all “You don’t have it in small sizes for pugs or you don’t carry them at all?” and he was all “Uh…both?”  So I guess it must be seasonal?  Then I thought I would make one myself by filling Hailey’s Monkeys-in-a-Barrel game with whiskey and then threading it through his collar but then I realized that the first time Barnaby Jones rolled over on his back the whiskey would drain out of the holes I poked in the barrel to thread the collar though.  Except it wouldn’t be real whiskey because I wouldn’t waste actual booze until I had tested it and so instead I’d use water mixed with yellow food-coloring and then Victor’d see the stains and yell at Barnaby for peeing on the floor and I’d be all “Don’t yell at him for peeing!  He just rolled over for a tummy scratch and spilled all the whiskey.  Yell at him for that.” And then Victor’d get all mad at me and I’d assure him that it wasn’t real whiskey because I was just testing it to make sure it worked and he’d be all “If it was just a test then why wouldn’t you just use clear water?  Why the hell would you purposely add dye to it?” and I’d be all “Because then he would have known it wasn’t real and wouldn’t have taken it seriously.” And then Victor’d threaten to take the dog back and I’d be all “It was a full dress rehearsal!” but Victor totally wouldn’t get it and he’d get all shouty and I’d be all “If anything you should be thanking me for not wasting all our whiskey.  Asshole.”  Oh my God, I am so mad at him.

Comment of the day: Perhaps you could just get him an holster for those little airplane bottles of booze. That seems more size appropriate. Plus you could have a selection!  “No My Vagina, I said Vodka! Not Tequila! Bad My Vagina!”  I can totally see Quiet Asian neighbor now. “Did she say ‘Come my vagina.’?  Orgasm on demand, like Tivo?  Why we not have that yet?” ~ Evening

184 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I don’t know how you do it, Blogess. You obviously have your hands full with Victor and Barnaby Jones.

    Hilarious post!

    Lyssa Ireland Thomas’s last blog post..Cooking Mama

  2. What’s the return policy on a broken dog? Did you remove the tags already?

    Sprite’s Keeper’s last blog post..HASAY: Weak Week

  3. Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?

    Have you called in a dog psychologist yet? Because your dog is definitely going to start exhibiting bizarre behaviors. It might be the whiskey, but I’m leaning more towards the emotional trauma of multiple piercings. If he wants his ears pierced, he’ll take himself off to Claire’s when he’s 16 like everyone else.

    a’s last blog post..To continue the mailbox theme

  4. Sheesh, not only has your dog broken, but he shrank in the wash.

    You could call him Shrinky Dink.

    Rhea’s last blog post..It might be a good time to invest in bubble wrap.

  5. Since when are posts about dogs not real posts?! Man, if that were the case I’d be screwed.

    Erin’s last blog post..Horrid Teenage Years Picture Day (Late-ish Edition)

  6. I don’t even know what to say… Wow. And I thought I was nuts for making my dog wear a top hat.

    Libby’s last blog post..One Last Lie

  7. this post just made my morning. I’m gonna threaten my boyfriend with something sharp and make him buy me a puppy.

    I’m Jo. And I’m awesome.’s last blog post..wash that weave and put it right back in that bitch!

  8. When my brother and I were younger we made prank calls asking for “Barnaby” in an English accent. (We’re Canadian.)

    Bente’s last blog post..She is one whole hand now*

  9. All you need it some duct tape to fix that dog. I swear, duct tape fixes everything.

    Rhea’s last blog post..It might be a good time to invest in bubble wrap.

  10. and I hate to say this, but that was totally a real post.

    Rhea’s last blog post..It might be a good time to invest in bubble wrap.

  11. More great dog humor. Trust me, your pup will be a seemingly endless source of blog inspiration.

    IB

    IB’s last blog post..3-Dog Nightmare

  12. I do love My Vagina.

    And your dog too…

    the Constantly Dramatic One’s last blog post..A Lesson from Animal Planet

  13. I always wondered about the belly button thing… all mammals would have the same umbilical cord, so why not have belly buttons?

    TheresaG’s last blog post..Subway and toddlers?

  14. Have you ever considered a stuffed animal?

    groovehouse’s last blog post..Cockfight Skateboards: Brett Roper Pro Model

  15. How is a stuffed animal going to bring me booze in the morning? Think, groovehouse.

  16. I like this idea of putting the dog to work carrying booze…

    M.J.’s last blog post..Goals for the New Year

  17. I think the most important fact from this blog is that whiskey will be made available in the event of a crisis. I just made you my emergency contact at work. And they were all “But what is her real name?”, so I scissor-kicked them and ran away.

    Kurt’s last blog post..Righteous Fury!

  18. I called my Cat Johnny K after Johnny Knoxville because I thought that if I did that I’d get to sleep with Johnny Knoxville. Turns out that’s not a ‘rule of the universe’ and now I’m left with a cat with a name that no one can remember. People are lazy/don’t listen enough.

    And he’s gay too. He tried to get off with the Irish setter yesterday.

    bbkf’s last blog post..USA and South America does not constitute a world tour.

  19. You. are. hilarious.

    Kyla’s last blog post..Creep

  20. Dan “The Keg Man” Jordan is your man.

    http://saintbernardbarrels.com/

    Tell him I sent you

  21. 22
    Aprylsantics

    Your dog is too small to carry enough whiskey. You’ll need to get the St. Bernard.

  22. When my dog has her puppies I am so using “my vagina” as a name for one of them (if you don’t mind).

    Kat’s last blog post..Anger- Sometimes It Gets the Best of Us

  23. Once upon a time in Boonville, OK, I had a friend. We were both nine at the time. My friend lived way out in the country in a tiny trailer that eventually got soldered to a half-finished house. But, I guess I’m getting off topic. Except, that I’m really not.

    My friend’s mother raised Weimaraner puppies. She used to breed the moms and then deliver the puppies at home. They were really cute, sleek little taupe-colored balls of warmth.

    At a certain point after the delivery, she would grab up each puppy, slap it down on the tailgate of an old pick-up trunk and cut off its tail with a razor blade. Please bear in mind that there was absolutely nothing wrong with the tails. They were long and pointy. Kinda of what you would imagine a dog’s tail should be like for wagging and disturbing flies and bushes in the woods.

    Thus, it is quite clear to me that you are surrounded by a bunch of pussy veterinarians, tattoo artists, and purveyors of doggie retail debt. Pierced ears for fashionable dreidel earrings, tummy tattoos, and diminutive nightcaps got nothin’ on tail amputation. Speaking of which, if your pug’s tail is too curly, you could have it amputated.

    And, now that I think of it, if you would prefer that Barnaby Jones, look just a bit tougher, you could have his ears “docked” (just a euphemistic way of saying “partially amputated”) but you could mitigate that toughness–presto changeo!–by having his balls “docked.” I’m just sayin’…

    Christ! I hope you have a CARE CARD from GE to pay for all that a/esthetic intervention or you are going to have to get a second mortgage… In this economy… In Houston…

    You. Are. So. Screwed.

    La Framéricaine’s last blog post..Like A Bridge Over Troubled Water…

  24. See, if you were in Germany with me right now I bet you would think that “ausfarht” is a funny word, too. I keep giggling like I’m a 12 year old boy. heeheee, ausfarht.

  25. Granted, I would have really enjoyed waiting for the day you wrote to say, “Hey, Tom, I’ve just posted some new pictures of My Vagina for your viewing pleasure!” Still and all, I am happy to know there will always be a little BJ dribbling on your carpet.

    Forget the whiskey cask, though. He’ll need a shot glass version.

  26. When are you going to take pictures of him in a fetching pair of dog pants? Dog sweaters are for pussies, but pants? That’d be hawt.

    Miss Grace’s last blog post..We are Five

  27. Since he’s so small, and therefore can’t carry enough whiskey to get the job done, you need to teach him to carry cocaine. And stick the barrel to the collar with hot glue, because you can stick anything to anything else with hot glue.

    Karen’s last blog post..PROMPTuesday My Awesome Things

  28. *Where do you come up with this stuff?

    Do you ever have normal conversations like, “Should we buy Raisin Bran or Honey-Nut Cheerios?”, or “Honey, did you take out the trash?”.

    No? Hmmmm.

    How about Parent-Teacher COnferences? How do those go?

    kristin/kwr221’s last blog post..I have a dilemma

  29. Holy Lord that made me laugh out loud! You rock.

  30. If you teach Barnaby Jones how to bring you liquor I’m totally bringing my dog, Astro, over for a play date so you can teach him how to fetch me liquor too.

    Greis’s last blog post..Quickie Update…

  31. Well, you could get those little bottles of whiskey and put that in the barrel. That would totally solve the spilling problem.

    Or, improvise, and skip the barrel and just strap a large bottle of whiskey to his neck. Pugs are kind of small, but he could handle it.

  32. Maybe you could shave My Vagina (Barnaby) and have him do puppy porn videos? Then Victor would be so drunk from the money that he wouldn’t care because he could pay someone to put new carpets in.

    I’m sorry…It’s this blog…I swear…

    Angie Haggstrom’s last blog post..10 Surefire Ways To Fail At Being A Freelance Writer

  33. I think you should be totally jealous that I had a dog with a tattoo and he looked like he had a belly button too.

    I’m not sure what that was though.

    Betsey Booms’s last blog post..I’m Kind Of Funktified

  34. This post made me laugh so hard that I had to share it – by reading out loud – with the people around me at the moment. Unfortunately, I was in my Constitutional Law class and I’m sure everyone now thinks I’m even more inappropriate and crazy than they already thought. This might be worse than that time in Civil Procedure when I corrected the professor when she said the founder of penthouse was Larry Flint – we were reading a case about Hustler – and I went on to identify all the major porn mags and their founders and the history of conflict between. At the end of this I realized everyone was staring at me and there was an awkward silence, and I hate awkward silences, mostly b/c I get them a lot, so to ease the tension with humor I announced to my professor and 60 members of my law school class that “I know my porn!” People seriously refer to me as the porn girl, I’m the class VP and that’s still what everyone remembers me for.

    Angelita’s last blog post..I’m OK/ You Have That Effect On Me/ But I Need You Desperately

  35. 36
    Just A. Reader

    Just tattoo a picture of a belly button on him. Or better yet, tattoo a picture of a vagina where his belly button should be and change his name to My Vagina.

  36. Why would you want to put a whiskey barrel on a pug? He wouldn’t be able to carry more than about a shot’s worth. Get a Rottweiler and let My Vagina Barnaby Pickles handle something smaller like a nickel bag.

    Oh and my cats are going to be very pissed at you after I get done chasing them and holding them down to look for their belly buttons. My poor older cat. Its bad enough he doesn’t have balls, I don’t know how I’m going to break the news to him that he doesn’t have a belly button either.

    April’s last blog post..Quick update and a video

  37. I had to go redo my mascara after reading this post!

    Meryl’s last blog post..Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?

  38. If you can’t even get your dog to carry around booze for you, what’s the point?

  39. yelocrab totally has your back! How awesome is it that you can actually order them?! I love the internet!

    If my Yorkies can’t handle the ‘small’ size barrels, I’m thinking my 12 year old daughter can pull it off. Except she does go to a Christian school, so she’ll have to kind of hide it under her white button-down shirt…

    Babybloomr’s last blog post..It’s National De-lurking Day!!

  40. You have made an art of rambling. There should be an award me thinks.

    The Glamorous Life’s last blog post..And the winners are…..

  41. Someone asked me the question about dogs and belly buttons a few weeks back and I “googled” it up. Turns out that puppies rip their umbilical cords off and have little scars that fade quickly rather than belly buttons.

    My Vagina prolly wasn’t a good idea. Think about it:
    My Vagina just crapped in the corner.
    My Vagina just chewed up my shoe.
    Mom, can I take My Vagina to school for show and tell?
    My Vagina has fleas.
    My Vagina needs a shock collar.

    andy’s last blog post..Childhood Xmas Memories

  42. Lord Jesus. My husband sent me over to you, saying that he think’s HE’S funny, and then he reads your stuff and is all, “Where does she think of this??” and is impressed and humbled and inspired all at the same time. Now that I think of it, maybe he sent me to you because he i confused and overwhelmed by this rush of emotion, but whatever. Awesome. Awesome stuff. Totally coming back for more, dude.

  43. Oh, hell–stray apostrophe. The shame!! That’s “thinks” not “think’s.” I’d never hang out with someone who utilizes poor punctuation, and I don’t think you should have to, either. My bad, dog.

    Pretty Jane’s last blog post..Have you clicked yet?

  44. ” Don’t put things in My Vaginas’ Mouth!”
    ” Stop playing in the house with My Vagina!”
    ” My Vagina is tired and needs to go to bed!”

    My lord, the possibilities are endless!

    Trista’s last blog post..Two-Freaking-One

  45. All I can see when you say “Barnaby Jones” is Buddy Ebsen’s old ass, trying to get in and out of that Ford LTD….in his leisure suit.
    Hey – maybe BJP needs a leisure suit?? Since you cant get him pierced or tatt’d.

  46. I am crying over the last two posts and then I reread your letter to your husband sleeping in the other room and nearly passed out.

    You are just not right and I thank God for that every time you put a new post up.

    Jarrard’s last blog post..Merry Christmas!

  47. I have learned that My Vagina can only carry a shot worth of whiskey- what a disappointment!

    tena’s last blog post..Hold tight- this really isn’t all about me

  48. uhg, men are such jerks.

    MommyNamedApril’s last blog post..A Tribute to the Science Center.

  49. ROFLMAO!!!!!! This post made me laugh and laugh! you funny!

    My vagina. That’s the best thing of the day. Everyday, I’m going to put it into a sentence. Like with fortune cookies when you put ‘in bed’ at the end. Only, “in My Vagina”.
    My fortune cookie today read:
    It’s not advisable to leap before you look, but that may be all you have time for IN MY VAGINA.

    Truer words were never spoken.

    Debbi’s last blog post..Tuesday Tunes Returns in ’09

  50. yeah i’d be mad at victor too!

    by the way my vagina is so cute!

    natalie’s last blog post..Taste Test – Adult Edition

  51. I will totally pierce your dog’s ears. Not that I know what I am doing but how hard can it be? I mean, have you seen the people working at those piercing places in the mall?

    And thank you for the new post. It totally took care of my withdrawal symptoms. You’re the best!

  52. You write like I think.

    You are marvelous!

  53. There was a guy on my dodgeball team last season named Barnaby and someone commented that we didn’t need to try that hard as winning didn’t matter, since we had a guy named fucking BARNABY on our team. Automatic win.

    Georgia’s last blog post..Remember That Time I Called An Animal A "Fucking Jerk"?

  54. Had your husband spent more than five minutes with you before you got married or was it an arranged marriage? Does he spend most of his time saying “What? No, wait… huh?”? Or do the meds help?

  55. My dog has a belly button.

    Oh, that’s just where I poked him with the stick he wouldn’t fetch…

  56. If finding a dog named My Vagina funny is immature, I don’t want to be mature. Then again, even if it not’s immature I don’t want to be mature. Bottom line, My Vagina is f-in’ funny and maturity is totally overrated.

    Law-Talking Guy’s last blog post..Movies

  57. Why didn’t you go with something more discreet? Like: The Vajayjay, The Poontang, The Cooter…. those could have passed undetected…possibly?

    Ashley’s last blog post..January 10th Cookies

  58. I think you should get his nipples pierced. All 8 of them. And take pictures and put them on Facebook. Does Facebook have rules about dog nipples? And you could totally shave some cool design into his belly fur.

    Ariel’s last blog post..Torn

  59. 60
    michaelbolton

    dogs have belly buttons, it’s just they look more like long, thin scars down the middles of their underbellies than fleshy sinkholes in the abdomen.

    you probably just never noticed because while humans only use theirs to carry lint the canine naval is the anatomical center of lies and obfuscation.

  60. Can’t. Stop. Laughing.

    Laurie | Your Ill-fitting Overcoat’s last blog post..More Than a Paragraph, Part III

  61. You need to just divorce that mother fucker. And marry me. Don’t laugh – I’m dead serious.

    Maria’s last blog post..I love the internet more than my husband.

  62. “It’s ok! My Vagina doesn’t bite. He’s just being friendly.”

    Captain Dumbass’s last blog post..Gasted Of Flabber*: Random Tuesday Thoughts

  63. “Someone needs to take My Vagina for a walk…..”

  64. Well, I guess it is a good thing My Vagina didn’t work because then you’d have to say “My Vagina needs a bath”.

    Sheila’s last blog post..Does anyone remember these guys?

  65. Please join me in reluctantly swallowing our fully justified hateful bile and trying to be the bigger person… you can’t hold it against that asshole that he wasn’t born with our appreciation for The Theatre.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..A conversation between M- & D-: Just after eleventeen

  66. 67
    Marion in Savannah

    Another sublime post. I find that not only do I follow your lines of thought, but they make sense to me. I’m getting a bit nervous — what medication should I be on?

  67. Barnoodle! Barnyard! Barnstantinople! And when you need some puppy lurve, you can say you need a little BJ action. I love the potential. The beeeeeeej!

    Clearly I like to call my animals anything but their actual name… (as attested by my fat cat Olive, or more commonly known, Oliveloaf).

    And P.S. I like the “this isn’t a post, but it really is.”

    Katematch’s last blog post..YAY Hot Chocolate

  68. It would be even funnier if the husband had to say “My vagina….” You should name him that and always make the husband take him to the vet…

    Ariel’s last blog post..Torn

  69. oh and dogs DO have belly buttons.. just not like human belly buttons. There should be a tiny scar on his tummy from where the umbilical cord attached.

    I’m Jo. And I’m awesome.’s last blog post..the golden girls are my life.

  70. Can you please make one of those keg collars for my dog too? I’ll give you the 4.99 for the Barrel O’ Monkeys.

    Petra’s last blog post..No More Poop Under My Fingernails. And How is This Sad?

  71. I pierced this guy’s ear in college at a frat party. I supply the apple, an ice cube and a needle. You must provide your own dreidles.

    I just want the honor of being able to say “I pierced The Blogess’ Vagina!”

  72. Wait, first Victor got you a broken puppy and then didn’t thank you for not wasting the whisky? You should be mad at him.

    xoxo, SG

    ShallowGal’s last blog post..How to Compain, ShallowGal style.

  73. If you want your dog to carry your booze, just get him one of those doggie camelback things. Bonus is that there are extra compartments to hold other drinking essentials, like Peeps and Combos (eat them together = YUM!).

    mrtl’s last blog post..I was going to write a post on how I got Jem to use the potty today, but now it’s late and I’m tired and the bed’s still not made, so I’m going to give you a happy pancake instead. K?

  74. You are a truly insane freak. Your husband must be some kind of saint to put up with you. And your little dog too! (that’s a Wizard of Oz reference, psycho..)

  75. Is the name Barnaby Jones from the show “Frisky Dingo”? If so, i love that freaking show.

    If not, it’s still a sweet name.

    “…people let me tell you ’bout my new best friend – Barnaby Jones!”

  76. That is TOTALLY where it comes from. And I’ve been walking around singing that for days.

  77. If there is a funnier female blogger than you, I haven’t found her. (And that KILLS me to say as I’m a humor columnist.)

    I love your stuff!!!!

    Sher’s last blog post..Oh 2009. You’re such a sassy bitch.

  78. Men don’t understand ANYTHING, do they?

    Twenty Four At Heart’s last blog post..Calling All Couch Potatoes

  79. @andy has a point…

    My Vagina bit the mailman.
    My Vagina has worms.
    My Vagina is drooling on the couch.
    My Vagina has dog breath.
    My Vagina is dragging his ass across the carpet.
    My Vagina is licking his balls.
    I sent pictures of My Vagina to Chipotle.

    and finally

    Hoping someone eats My Vagina tonight.

    deanj’s last blog post..Royal Hawaiian Hotel’s Mai Tai

  80. Or when other people’s dogs jump up on me and they’re all “Get down, dogs” I’d be all “Oh, it’s okay. They probably just smell My Vagina.

  81. 83
    Alonso Quijana

    I am confused as a general statement, but here, specifically: You would be okay with Hailey running around talking about My Vagina, but not Penis? Is this a double standard?

  82. I would not want my four-year old talking about My Vagina. That’s why we would have named the dog Myva and only used his middle name (Jyna) when she wasn’t in the room. Because I’m a good mother.

  83. Your last cmoment just killed me dead.

    How about “Don’t touch My Vagina while we’re eating. It’s just not sanitary” or “My Vaginia needs a bone”?

    ktjrdn’s last blog post..Branson, MO

  84. You crack me up. But the barrel from the Barrel of Monkeys game would be FABULOUS. Just fill it with something that can’t leak. Like Tums or little tablets of acid. Because honestly? If I was stuck in a snowdrift and a Pug was the only one to save me? I’d be thankful for a couple of Tums before I dropped…

    tracey’s last blog post..I’m sure we’ve ALL faked it once or twice…

  85. 87
    Aprylsantics

    My vagina is shedding all over the couch.
    My vagina is snoring again.
    My vagina needs to be groomed.
    What the hell did my vagina eat?
    I wish my vagina would quit farting like that.

    I just couldn’t help myself. It’s so fun!

  86. you seriously make me pee my pants.

  87. Pickles may not have a belly button, he does have nipples. I think you need to contact Piercing Pagoda again and ask them what it would cost to get his nipples pierced- yeah,all of them. See if you can get a bulk discount. Then you could string them all together with a chain, like those whores who wear belly rings with a belly chain around their waists. And then you could walk Pickles around by his nipple chain. And then he’d be the hottest Pug in town, all the ladies would want him. And then you could pimp him out and make money off of the puppies. Stick with me, Jenny. I’ll make you rich.

  88. I think the name Barnaby Jones (Pickles) is cool…good choice. But that would be totally awesome to hear your male vet say, “Ah, My Vagina looks lonely and is extremely overweight.” Dude!

  89. Barnaby Jones can TOTALLY have his very own custom made whiskey barrel. . .

    http://www.saintbernardkeg.com/keg.htm

  90. Barnaby FTW! So if ya’ll didn’t remember, that was one of my choices…until I saw My Vagina. But I should still credits for it…..

    Brandy’s last blog post..Are my pelvic thrusts making you uncomfortable?

  91. Everyone in my office totally approves of Barnaby Jones (Pickles). However, think of how much fun it would have been to run after the dog calling “My Vagina…slow down. Quick, someone grab My Vagina.” Or, if the dog got lost one day, you could go around town stapling photos of My Vagina on telephone poles and asking strangers, “Have you seen My Vagina?” Yeah, that’d be fun.

    Laurie Ann’s last blog post..Photo from home

  92. I’m sorry your dog is broken. I am trying to convince my boyfriend to spend some of the money that he has saved for an engagement ring on an “engagement puppy”, pretty catchy, eh?

    I think engagement puppies are the wave of the future.

  93. Myva Jyna is shedding like crazy.
    Myva Jyna loves to eat off the table.
    Myva Jyna needs her claws cut, yowtch!
    Will you give Myva Jyna a treat please?
    …and here’s a picture of Myva Jyna when she was little.

    GAH, it could go on and on….

    Katematch’s last blog post..YAY Hot Chocolate

  94. I hate it when my husband is an ass in imaginary hypothetical conversations. You think Victor would have appreciated you not using real whiskey. Cripes, now I’m mad at him.

    katie ~ motherbumper’s last blog post..breakfast of truffles

  95. My dog totally has a tattoo! She got hers from Animal Control before I got mine (not from Animal Control). Also, if your dog really wants to be a badass, I think his badass gang name should thusly be Da Stanky Hoo-ha. Get him a bandana, some bling, some knuckle/paw rings and a 40.

  96. A lot of dog owners ask me why their dogs eat their own waste and how do they get the damn dog to stop.

    (Not random dog owners, clients actually, who pay me for training advice. Though, sometimes random people come up and ask me that. Funny, never thought it was weird until just now).

    Wouldn’t it be funny if you actually did name your dog My Vagina and he ate poop? And you’d email me and ask, “Tania, how do I get My Vagina to stop eating sh*t? My Vagina is starting to smell really bad.” That makes me laugh just thinking about it.

    What? Did I cross the line?

    Chicky Chicky Baby’s last blog post..December ROFLs – The last of ’08 edition

  97. What if you just tied the little mini bar bottles of booze to him? Or like the tiny ones you get on airplanes?

  98. You should’ve held out for My Vagina,really. But I am curious. Whiskey keg? He’s a Saint Bernard? How did I miss that?

    annie’s last blog post..911

  99. No, he’s a pug but I firmly believe in the potential of all dogs to bring you cocktails.

  100. My Vagina won’t stop humping the mailman.

    ROFLMAO!!!

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Tuesday Trivia: Animals

  101. Dogs totally have belly buttons, but you can only see them when they are very little. As the puppy grows they kinda go away.

    Curious about my dogs belly button when he was smaller, I discovered that he has nipples on his penis. It’s true. Two nipples. On. His. Penis. Still there.

  102. It is really important, that the dress rehearsal not go smoothly. That would jinx the show. At least that is what we believed in my theatre days.

    Wanda’s last blog post..Jump Start

  103. I think it would work if you put rubber bands around the monkey barrel thing then threaded the collar through that… :-)

    Della’s last blog post..Hair-editary Trait

  104. Goddamn it you are funny.

    Christy’s last blog post..I suck

  105. This is really funny.

    Too bad I already voted for The Comics Curmudgeon.

    Oh well. So sad to be you!

    Ewald.

  106. Wait. Dogs don’t have umbilical cords do they? They just pop out. There’s no cutting of anything when they come out . . . So how do they get nutrition in utero? Now I have to stop working (surfing the internet, whatever) and go research.

  107. when i was REALLY young i used to call puppies “buppies,” this was back in the days when i was also calling escalators “alligators.” so later my parents thought it would be clever to name the family dog “buppy.” then he ran away and we just let him go because none of us could work up the stones to go wandering around in public yelling “buppy!” over and over again.

    i carry a lot of pain inside.

  108. I wanted to name our dog Cheese but I was out voted by my kids. Now I every day I walk an all black dog named Sunny. Pass the vodka please.

    clickmom’s last blog post..today I am appreciating

  109. I was going to suggest a name for the dog – “My Dildo” but then that could get confusing for the dog, your favorite neighbors and the husband. If you get upset like I do and just let it fly, no one would know to whom you are referring when you call for “My Dildo”.

  110. So let’s say you take Myva to the vet to get a microchip put in him, because “what if Myva Jyna gets lost or stolen?” Then the vet whips out some enormous microchipping machine and you yell, “Hey! You’re not sticking that thing in Myva Jyna! I’d rather just get Myva Jyna tattooed, thankyouverymuch.” Yeah.

    Mr Farty’s last blog post..Computer Terms Illustrated #18

  111. I read this and then both my husband and I broke into song of, “people let me tell you ’bout my new best friend!” Absolutely great dog name.

    Genie’s last blog post..All you need is love (a project in living out loud)

  112. I totally understand your confusion over the missing belly button. I once had to call my husband home from work in the middle of the day because I discovered our youngest son has two tongues.

  113. Dear Blogess:

    I want you to watch my dogs when I go have my shot gun wedding. I can think of no other person on earth that I would trust more with my furry kids. Btw, you won an award…

    http://www.leblahg.com

    It’s well deserved, you are coffee through the nose talented.

    Kisses,

    Miss B.

  114. Real heroes don’t waste whiskey.

    The Cotton Wife’s last blog post..Biscuits ‘N Gravy

  115. “Myva” reminds me of some friends of mine who had a cat named “Oshi” because when the wife brought home a new kitten, hubby’s first words were “Oh Shit! not a cat!”

  116. If you don’t start dressing that pug in horrible, embarrassing clothing I’m going to fly the fuck out there and steal the thing.

    Sarah’s last blog post..Old Maid Metamorphosis

  117. I am crying over My Vagina. Please reconsider.

    I have a picture of my husband (the one that’s totally in love with you) looking for our cat’s bellybutton. The internet assures me she has one, but he has not, as of yet, found it.

    If he ever leaves me and the two of you hook up, I’m sure you’ll have a long, happy life searching for mammals’ belly buttons.

  118. When we play shoot-em-up games on XBox, we all come up with names like that. My friend plays as My Boner.

    So when you kill him it says things like “You assassinated My Boner.”

  119. Also, “An Emo Kid.” If she blows herself up with a grenade, for example, the screen says:

    An Emo Kid Committed Suicide

    Maria’s last blog post..skip hop to it

  120. I just called my mother to read her this post.
    You are way funnier then I could ever hope to be.
    My Vagina – that’s awesome and I am totally stealing it.

  121. I think you’re really goign to regret not going w/ smuggy..

    that girl’s last blog post..Out of the Closet

  122. I’m so glad you like My Vagina, Jenny! I truly never thought I’d ever have the chance to say that.

    Anissa@hope4peyton’s last blog post..Fashionably late to the party

  123. In fact, My Vagina appears to be quite popular on your site!

  124. I definitely think you should go with My Vagina, it’s a winner!

    Anissa@hope4peyton’s last blog post..Fashionably late to the party

  125. Oh mah holy fucking hell. I just bit a hole through the palm of my hand trying not to laugh out loud. Now I’m bleeding all over the kitchen table and my husband is looking at me, all like, “What the fuck are you doing chewing on your hand?” and shaking his head sadly and walking away.

    It’s like I’m in one of those Jenny The Bloggess animal traps and I can’t get out without, y’know, the chewing and shit.

    Ree’s last blog post..Graduation ‘81 – Past in Polaroids 19

  126. Perhaps you could just get him an holster for those little airplane bottles of booze. That seems more size appropriate. Plus you could have a selection!

    “No My Vagina, I said Vodka! Not Tequila! Bad My Vagina!”

    I can totally see Quiet Asian neighbor now. “Did she say ‘Come my vagina.’? Orgasm on demand, like Tivo? Why we not have that yet?”

  127. Jenny,

    You never fail to crack me up!

    Thank you.

    TamiW’s last blog post..The Jason Show Interview

  128. i hope your barnaby jones gets to keep both his ears.

  129. What you need is a “barrel flask” like these. Then you just glue it on to a collar and you’re all set.

    By the way, have you thought about teaching Pickles to talk? You could teach him to say “awesome”. It’d probably sound like “waufwum” or something but it should be enough to take out a few kittens.

    Steve’s last blog post..Carpe Ovum

  130. OMG

    My Vagina just shit in the neighbor’s yard!

    Great post!

    Six’s last blog post..Searching for Utopia

  131. I can try to convince you change BJ’s name to Meatwagon?! My husband wouldn’t let me name our Pekinese Meatwagon and I think that small dog need names that say,”Don’t mess me with punk or my humans because they are totally SCREWED UP!”

    Oh and once our vet totally shaved all of the fur off our Peke and he looked like a mutant Pug for one summer. But no one messed with him because he has one eye and is named Blitzkrieg – for real.

    You’re right dogs should be trained in the art and science of alcohol retrieval.I love saying,”Blitzkrieg bring me a martini” and he does. OK it’s a martini toy, but it’s a start.

    Instead of trying to find a pug sized wiskey barrel you could clip a keychain flask to My Vigina/Barneby Jones/Meatwagon’s collar. http://www.cellphoneflasks.com/wholesale-mini-keychain-flask.html You wouldn’t have to worry about him spilling your booze or stealing it from the flask because dogs don’t have thumbs.

    Condo Blues’s last blog post..How to Make a Braided Fleece Pet Toy

  132. This is my brain on Jenny.

    Congrats on the puppy!

    Carrie’s last blog post..I Do Not Negotiate WithTerrorists

  133. You should change his name from Barnby Jones to Meatwagon. No one would mess with a dog named Meatwagon.

    Take it from me I named my one eyed Pekingese Blitzkrieg – for real.

    Oh and instead of a tiny whiskey barrel how about clipping a key chain flask to his collar instead?

    Condo Blues’s last blog post..How to Make a Braided Fleece Pet Toy

  134. Dear God, Barnaby Jones, good luck.

    BOSSY’s last blog post..Bossy’s Favorite Things.

  135. So I’m just writing to express my annoyance that you always get over 100 comments per post and really, I have absolutely nothing redeeming to add to this conversation at all other than my self-centered irritation that I never get that many comments, and that I need to find a way to do it for the sake of ego.

    Actually, I’m considering creating a bunch of alter-egos with names like “Jed Wilkerson” and “Donna Reed’s uvula” and using them to add dozens of pointless comments to my blog so that everyone will think I’m awesome, which, really, if I have Donna Reed’s uvula commenting on my blog, I must actually be, because who the FUCK else has any uvulas (or perhaps uvulae) commenting on their blogs, let alone those of famous people. And I’m thinking the uvulas could just comment “Uuuuuuugggllluuuh,” except for Donna Reed’s, which would probably say “Uuuuuuugggllluuuh Carl Betz!” And if it didn’t say that, then we’d all know there was some backstage shenanigans going on because what kind of fucking uvula wouldn’t mention a TV spouse when commenting on a blog in this day and age unless there was pent-up resentment, or lust, or likely both.

    I totally got all of 7 responses on my last post, proving that uvulas don’t like AC/DC. Fucking lame uvulas don’t know how to rock.

    Johnny Truant’s last blog post..For those about to shop

  136. You need another comment like your dog needs a belly button, but fuck that was funny!

    Stephanie’s last blog post..You should also know I have a slight obsession with all things Disney.

  137. 139
    Alonso Quijana

    I’m sorry this comment has taken so long, but for some reason, they expect me to work while I’m at work. So, referencing comment #84, his full name would have been Myva Jyna Pickle?

  138. You can’t name your dog My Vagina, but you can name him B.J. hmmm Calling Doctor Freud, Calling Dr. Freud.

    Cedarflame’s last blog post..

  139. Dude, I totally voted for Barnaby…. I knew you had good taste :)

    Courtney at Blogging Matilda’s last blog post..Back in the Saddle Again

  140. Moses The Cat doesn’t have one of those drink kegs either, so he’s forced to walk around balancing my extra dirty martinis on his head.

    Lesley’s last blog post..This Post Has Moses The Cat, Brain-Eating Zombies, My Friend MC And A Ridiculous Amount Of Hats (It Also Has NEXT TO NO POINT AT ALL) (Seriously…There’s No Reason To Even Read This)

  141. You seriously talked to a clerk? Whoa!

    Kile’s last blog post..Better than television

  142. Apparently dogs do have belly buttons – they just heal by the time they’re a week old.

    http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080111100235AAHExWS

    Also REI’s gotta have some sort of dog collar with water bottle attachment. Hell, those people put camelbacks into anything.

    Being married to a wildlife biologist has its benefits.

    Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas’s last blog post..Maybe a drink would have been a good idea.

  143. 145
    Procrastinateher

    Hahahahahah you should totally call the dog My Vagina anyway :)

    I bet that after the whiskey barrel thing that people won’t trust you with their dogs. My friend won’t trust me with her (non-existent) children now because I walked like two steps away from the table that I’d left her new bunny on. I was still watching her…

    If they can desex a rabbit they should pierce your dog’s ears. You should get a dog tag identifier thingy on one ear (cos if it’s a boy, then two ears = homo I think? Not that there’s anything wrong with a homosexual dog…) and make it um, ‘decorative’.

    Interestinng fact: the rabbit that was just desexed, a malle, tried to hump the younger newer girl rabbit, and he was so big and fat that you couldn’t even see her under there I kid you not.

  144. This is not a real comment.

    Whit’s last blog post..Have Fun Storming the Castle

  145. Couldn’t even get past the “My Vagina” paragraph because I peed in my pants laughing.

  146. I think it’d be great fun at the park calling “My Vagina! My Vagina!” And if he got lost, you could ask random people “Have you seen My Vagina?”

    Kylie’s last blog post..For Piglet

  147. Oh my god, seriously! Where are the animal belly buttons? I’ve seen pigs born, they’re all attached like some kind of crazy pink octopus, but then WHERE ARE THE BUTTONS? I’m totally freaked out right now.

    Cat’s last blog post..Is It Just Me? Or Was It a Bad Day?

  148. I’m a little sad that Snugglepants the Death Bringer didn’t make the cut. Although My Vagina would have been awesome.

  149. I’m disappointed that My Vagina didn’t make the cut, neither did my personal submission of MonkeySpunk… He just looks like a MonkeySpunk to me, but hey, it’s your dog… Hope your enjoying your whiskeyless, tattooless, piercedless, non MonkeySpunk Vagina dog… Sounds like a total drag to me…

  150. I have to admit that after that last post I was all, “WTF? That can’t be right.” And I Googled “dog belly buttons.” I didn’t see a dog belly button but I did see a picture of a hamster with an infected belly button. And now my kids will never have a hamster for a pet because, ew.

    blissfully caffeinated’s last blog post..Why, God, Why???

  151. I can’t get over how envious I am of the conversations you have in your head. Where can I get conversations like that?? I bet Wal-mart doesn’t sell them just as the pet store doesn’t sell those damn keg collars…hmmm. maybe I can google it…but i have a feeling it’ll just lead me back here and i’ll read again and the cycle will continue. But I can’t quit you. :)
    Dana

    Dana’s last blog post..Unsettling

  152. Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

    [gasp]

    Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

    A simple “LOL” was not enough for this not-real post. If My Vagina could talk…

    http://www.butterflyliz32.wordpress.com

    Elizabeth’s last blog post..Quick Update

  153. I’m so glad you went with Vagina as opposed to some of those slang words for the region. I think this is much classier.

    shonda’s last blog post..Are You Breaking Child Labor Laws if the Kid Really, Really Wanted to be a Maid? Or Cook? Or Personal Assistant?

  154. My Vagina. funny. Think of the therapy that dog wouldn’t have needed. A boy dog named Vagina.

    Damn, I thought a Boy Named Sue was bad. Johnny Cash will never sound the same to me. Next time I hear any of his tunes I will instantly think, A Dog Named Vagina.

    And…
    Pugs are from England, you need to put Gin in the little keg. Get you booze right.

    reeky’s last blog post..Commission is Completed

  155. It’s funny, how many different ways there are to use “My Vagina” in a sentence. Although y’all missed the one about “jumped out of the pickup and broke a leg, we had to put it down”

    I didn’t see any reference to “chased a seagull off the dock, we had to fish it out with a net” either, maybe I missed it.

    but this is the most fun I’ve had during lunch for a long time. Thanks!

  156. I understand that pugs always travel in pairs, so Victor’s gonna have to get one, too. You could call it “Little Woody.”

    “My Vagina” and “Little Woody.”

    Think of the possibilities…

  157. Maybe his full name should be: Barnaby Jones Pickles My Vagina. A wicked awesome sentence or a wicked awesome name? You decide…

  158. I’m worried, Jenny. What happens when your dog actually starts sniffing crotches ?

    Do you shout “my vagina stop sniffing my vagina”

    Don’t you think he’ll end up becoming mentally unstable and confused beyond belief ? I don’t hear good things about the doggie sanitarium

    WM’s last blog post..Don’t Give up on Me…

  159. If I named one of my dogs “My Vagina”, I would totally be telling people “My Vagina licks carpets!”. Because they both fucking do that all the time.

    Last night one of them ATE part of my carpet.

  160. My Vagina has fleas? My Vagina is shedding? I think your commenters might have out done you this time! You and your fans are hilarious.

    Katy’s last blog post..Princess or President?

  161. Are you SURE dogs don’t have belly buttons?? Cause mine does and it’s an out-y so if your sure WTF is on my dogs tummy?

    How about “You can’t say the word ‘bone’ around My Vagina or he gets super excited and start to drool”

    Gah… awesomeness..

    Christina’s last blog post..Damn you, Max Factor for not making crystal powder extra blinding

  162. I want to rename my cat My Vagina, so then I can say my pussy’s name is my vagina, but isn’t that redundant?

  163. Sorry, the last comment was mine, I should probably keep my crazy to my own website. Sorry I leaked my crazy on your website. I still want a Pug however.

    Lori’s last blog post..I Are Cold

  164. That is hilarious! Seems to me that, since Victor gets so ballistic about the content of the keg, maybe he should take responsibility for the pup–then he could name him “Dick”!

    Scott’s last blog post..THE CPS AND MENTAL HEALTH RECOVERY

  165. Holy crap.. tears running down my face. You are so damn funny. Where have you been all my life? We have to get you a TV show.

    Lizulfisa’s last blog post..Let me tell you about my nose……….

  166. Wait, he doesn’t have a belly button? Now I want to go roll my cat over and check him, because I did one day find nipples hidden in his fur, so if a boy cat can be sporting a full set of nipples, there must be a navel in there somewhere.

    kittenpie’s last blog post..Welcome Wagon

  167. So couldn’t you tattoo the dog: They wouldn’t let Barnaby Jones be my Vagina? Granted, long tattoo, little dog, but it could work!

    Teresa Hall’s last blog post..Boost that Client Count!

  168. Man, I was supposed to tell you that Adrienne sent me to offer that tat suggestion!

    Teresa Hall’s last blog post..Boost that Client Count!

  169. The best name I have ever heard at the dog park was “Bueller”. Only because every freakin’ time the owner called him he would say: “Bueller. Bueller. Bueller.” Just like whats his name before he became a right wing freak show…

    Paida’s last blog post..Introducing Bartholomew T. Lynx

  170. 173
    I can't read my nametag

    Based on the popularity of your last two posts, it seems clear to me you need to change your subhead from “Like Mother Teresa, Only Better” to “A Pug in Every Post.” Then, of course, you’ll need to mention BJ in every post from now on. And you’ll probably want to go back into the archives and retrofit him in all the previous posts, too.

    Your “about me” won’t need much editing, though. Just abbreviate “blow jobs” and you’re all set.

  171. My vagina. Now that is an hilarious name.
    My Vagina, come. (sing song)
    My vagina! Stop barking! (Emphatic)
    My vagina, did you eat that sausage? (baby talk)
    My vagina, do you need to go out for some fresh air? (falsetto)
    My Vagina, off the furniture! (Emphatic)
    My Vagina, do you want to hop on Mr Olesons lap! exuberant
    My Vagina, you really need a bath. (weary)
    My Vagina, have you moved once today?
    Could you help me, I’m looking for a cute collar for my Vagina. (Russian accent)
    Yes, I’d like to purchase a liscence for My Vagina. (Business like)
    What do you mean the animal control officer is looking for My Vagina!? (suprised)
    Yes, I would like to make an appointment for my vagina to see the vet. (Pleasant)
    Mr. Smith, My vagina did not make doo doo on your lawn! (indignant)
    And of course the all time classic. Victor, don’t you think you were a little hard on My Vagina last night?

  172. 175
    Procrastinateher

    Oh, so the 100+ times vagina is mentioned is actually in the comments section, and not in your post? I see…

    Maybe you should name him My Penis, to spare him from the indignity of having such a feminine name. Plus, you know you want to have a slightly legitimate reason to walk up to people and say “have you seen My Penis?”.

    In other news, a recently born kid was named Ocean Forest. I am totally getting her? some toilet spray for her/its first birthday.

  173. I think for a pug it might be more prudent to make him one of those hats with the straws coming out of the top to go to his little whiskey barrels. You know, ’cause of the big square head.

  174. “Someone hook an IV up to My Vagina”. Snort!

  175. I’m late to the party. In fact, I checked ‘The Bloggess’ out for the first time only a few days ago because of the awards thing. What an inspiration you are!

    I changed my dog’s name to My Dick and have all ready called the vet to make an appointment to get My Dick fixed.

    The next appointment will be about My Dick’s allergic reaction to his flea collar.

  176. I am in shock over this!!

    You know you should have called him “My Penis” and your hubby would have gone for it. What were you thinking? LOL!

    Great post, you crack me up;-)

    Amy @ Living Locurto’s last blog post..Hooked on Fridays

  177. I should have named my dog My Vagina. He ate my kids’ new parakeet. You know, the one Santa gave them? The one we named Richard, after their grandpa?

    So, next year, will they say “Santa? Why did My Vagina eat Richard? Grandpa will be so mad at My Vagina now!”

    If you were Santa, what would you say to that?

    All these pets makes my head hurt…maybe we should just get fish.

    Wait, that could get complicate if My Vagina eats fish. Ick.

    juliejulie’s last blog post..So Much Depends on the Dogs

  178. I love the name “My Vagina” but have you considered this… Haley would go to school and say something like, “My mom taught My Vagina to sit up and beg. My Vagina does great tricks!” …and then you would probably be arrested.

  179. WOw! That was hilarious… Hope Jesus is taking good care of your Vagina

    a.kichu’s last blog post..Flowers For My Girl!

  180. My Vagina loves dog treats. My Vagina loves it when you rub his belly (why is your vagina male?)

    My Vagina ate my homework. So I hit it with a rolled-up newspaper.

    Sal’s last blog post..Country was a dictatorship

  181. I now feel SO MUCH better about the cat we named Beaver. I have two others, Maggie and Figgy, which I affectionately call Magpie and Figpie. My sweetheart decided the new cat should also have a “pie” name. Since this one is a very long haired furball, or “Fur pie,” it followed that his proper name should be Beaver. LOL. I. Love. This. Man!
    Incidentally, since my “rescuing” of this stray (assuming he would bond with me), the cat has wholeheartedly claimed his creative namer as his human, and vice versa. I can truly and honestly say that my boyfriend is madly in love with my Beaver.

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