Did you know that “righteous” doesn’t have a “ch” or an “sh” in it even though it sounds like it should? Thank God this blog has spellcheck.

Shit that happened this week:

1.  Hailey recovered from scarlet fever and then I got it except the guy at the readi-clinic was all “You just have a cold, ma’am” but I feel like shit so I’m pretty sure it’s the plague and also why the fuck are you calling me “ma’am”? I realize you’re only 25 but you are a doctor and ma’aming me is just rude at this point.  I know, you’re all younger than me and you’re already a doctor and never have to eat ramen noodles BUT YOU WORK INSIDE A GROCERY STORE.  And also, you made me have to look up the spelling of the word “ma’am” and that shit totally doesn’t look right.

2.  I gave out professional advice about p0rn and how to fake giving birth to the Messiah.

3.  I changed the background color of my blog 90,000 times and every time someone would say “Ew”, so I changed it to the lightest color of pee I could find and so far, no complaints.  I think that’s because light-colored pee is healthy and means you’re drinking just enough and so you feel all self-righteous and you think about bringing in your coworker because someone needs to appreciate this but he’s in a meeting and no one else understands you there and then you think that it probaby wouldn’t work anyway because he’s a boy and this is the ladies room but we could totally sneak him in when there wasn’t anyone in there but you know as soon as you got him in there you’d be stuck because your boss would walk in and then you’d both have to hide in the stall and try not to laugh and you’d be pointing at the pee and mouthing “LOOK AT THAT.  IT’S AWESOME” and he’d be all “WHY THE HELL ARE WE IN THE BATHROOM?!” and he’d be screaming but silently and then you’d be mouthing “I HAD 9 GLASSES OF WATER THIS MORNING” and then he’d try to tell you that that’s actually unhealthy because of something about how it throws off the sodium in your body and you could die and I’m all “FINE, DEBBIE-DOWNER.  I WAS JUST TRYING TO SHARE MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS WITH YOU” and then he’s all “WELL I’M JUST TRYING TO SAVE YOUR LIFE” and then you quit work but you come back two weeks later to visit and he’s all pissed off that you haven’t called or anything but he still tries to hug you and you’re all “No, don’t hug me.  I just got molested by a giraffe and I smell like urine”.

3.  I got molested by a giraffe and smelled like urine and then had to go to my old job to pick up my final paycheck and I was trying to be all “Oh, my new life of unemployment is so glamorous!  Don’t get near me though, because of all the giraffe piss”.  This is probably the entry that needs the most explanation but that second point was way too long and by now most of you are all “What’s for dinner?”, “Is something burning?”, “I wonder who’s on twitter now?”, “No, seriously.  *Is* something burning?” but for the four of you still here I will give you the story:  I was molested.  By a giraffe.  And I smelled like urine.

4.  Wait.  I just realized I didn’t really explain anything there.  Basically I went to the zoo for a social media outreach thingie with 3 other writers and first of all we ran the golf cart into a fence and it got so caught we couldn’t even lift it and had to abandon it.  Then the zoo people were all “Wanna get in the giraffe pen and feed the giraffes?” and I’m all “With all the urine?  OF COURSE I DO.”  Oh wait.  No.  I think I said “Oh.  I guess so?”  So then I got in with the giraffes and the zoo people were all “Oh, look…the male is doing a urine test to see if she’s in heat” and basically the giraffe stuck his face in the butt of the female giraffe and she peed on his face and I’m all “Ew. …I mean ‘Oh! The miracle of nature!’” and right then the male giraffe swung his uriney face around and totally hit me with his snoot!  And his face was totally as big as a dinosaurs.  Like, from a distance they look like they have tiny dog heads because they’re so far away but up close their heads are like the size of 80 canteloupes.  Then he grabbed ahold of me with his big neck and pushed me up against the wall and the zoo people were all “Giraffe guy! (I can’t remember his name because I probably blocked it out from the trauma)  Let her go!” but they were saying it very playfully but then he pushed me over to the other side of the fence and pinned me there and I’m all “I’M ON THE I.U.D.  I’M NOT EVEN FERTILE.” but the giraffe was like “Oh, I don’t speak English” and then I smelled like giraffe and urine and on the way out I mentioned that I wanted a rape kit and the zoo people laughed but I was only partially kidding and then one of them was all “It was probably your dress.  He likes blue” which is the equivalent of “Well she was totally asking for it.  Did you see what she was wearing?”  Then they brought us back to the zoo office and this lady told us about how the Houston Zoo is all into conservation and she started talking about yellow-spotted-mountain-tree-toad-fungus that’s killing frogs and I stopped listening but then she said something about how there was a frog with juices 100 times stronger than morphine that’s also non-addictive and I was all ” We can not lose morphine frog” and I asked her to describe what it looks like and where I could find one and she totally wouldn’t tell me and she started talking about how there’s another frog that if you inject pee into it and you’re pregnant the frog will lay eggs immediately and the girl next to me is all “Like EPT.  And you can use it over and over” which is cool but get back to morphine frog but she totally wouldn’t and said she was kinda out of it because she hadn’t slept for 5 days because of “toad issues” which I think means she’d been on a toad juice bender.  Then she started talking about “what a cotton-tree sounds like when you are lying in the grass” and I was all “This lady is high right now“.  So basically I’m going to start licking a bunch of random frogs just in case one is the morphine frog.  Not that pee frog though.  That’s disgusting.

5.  Oh I almost forgot!  The zoo sent me photos of our jaunt except they only included pictures immediately before the attack where I look all happy because probably their legal team was all “You can’t send her those pictures but let’s pin them up in the office so we can laugh at them all day.  Is that giraffe urine dripping off of her?  Awesome.”

giraffeattack

6.  I wrote this entire post while drunk.  True story.  If I were you I probably wouldn’t read it.  Also, I love the zoo in spite of the whole giraffe rape thing and they did not pay me to say that although they did give me a stuffed panda bear which my dog is chewing on right now.  Bad dog.  Is this the longest post I’ve ever written?  I’m pretty sure it is.  It’s so long I don’t even know how to end it.

The end.

UPDATED: 7.  Yes, I know I look crazy in that picture but I think maybe it’s partially because there’s a giant giraffe head right next to me but then I just took another picture with my phone to prove I don’t look that weird in real life and I totally still have crazy eyes.  I probably have some sort of giraffe VD.

me-not-crazy

Comment of the day: Okay, I’m going to feel like a bastard for saying this, but I feel like I have to: the giraffe picture is pretty much what I would imagine it to look like if Helen Keller went to visit the zoo. Don’t get me wrong, she was an AWESOME human being, but homegirl couldn’t pose worth a damn.  ~ Michael

147 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Did you know the plural of vagina is vaginae? Because spellcheck doesn’t recognize vaginas except in the possessive (my vagina’s new car).
    Just in case you needed to talk about multiple vaginae.

    Yellow Trash Diaries’s last blog post..I Have Frodo Baggins Feet

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  2. God, you look so happy. Are you sure you weren’t the one who was high on that zoo trip?

    The Cotton Wife’s last blog post..Things Are Different In The Country

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  3. You. Medication. Now.

    Like

  4. I always feel like a tard when I read your blog in public. Here I am giggling behind my mouth with my chest trying to suck in the massive amount of air so my simian brain can release this massive bunch of laughter, and there’s just no fucking way any of these tools are going to understand any explanation I could give them about “what’s so funny?”.

    Christ woman. I kind of hope your DNA goes viral, transmitting your personality bents like airborne herpes.

    Like

  5. Totally true Fargo! I am cackling like a toad-licking hyena right now. Bloggess, you are my favoritist person that I don’t know, ever.

    Like

  6. That giraffe head is huge! You could totally sit on it and ride around on his giant head and he we would be all lopy because that’s how giraffes run and you would be all falling off the side of his head screaming and the giraffe would be all “ha ha, this is great right?” because everyone knows giraffes are assholes.

    I may be a little bit drunk myself right now.

    Miss Yvonne’s last blog post..Miss Yvonne’s Secret Wish

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  7. I think it’s kind of harsh how you are playing with Giraffe’s emotions. First you are all, “Of COURSE it’s okay, check out my blue dress while I innocently look away, hee”, and then you are all “GIRAFFE MOLESTATION!” and now you are tormenting Giraffe by dedicating your website background to the color of pee.

    Poor Giraffe is probably eating about 3.2 tons of Ben and Jerry’s calling his mother, “I just don’t understand her!” but it sounds more like “eeeeeeeauuughaiighgieeee eeaaahu eea”. And that, my friend, is the sound of heartbreak. Or indigestion. Either/or.

    Like

  8. Man, that giraffes head IS big. And I had an IUD too until I decided to get Essure. When my OB pulled the IUD out, I asked if I could keep it. At first, I think he thought it was weird, then ee said, “Let me clean it off for you.” I told him he didn’t have to. WTF!?!? So, now I have my dirty used six-year-old IUD in my kitchen cabinet.

    And yeah, big giraffe head! But sounded kinda fun!?

    Manic Mommy’s last blog post..Condom Talk

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  9. So, my husband just walked by and asked what the hell I was laughing at. I choked out “Bloggess” and he looked over my shoulder at the pic of you with the giraffe and said – “Is that her? Yeah…she LOOKS crazy…”

    …I think that was the point where the level of my laughter increased to pants wetting status. Thanks for that. Now we’re BOTH covered in pee.

    Ri’s last blog post..Miss me?

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  10. I think 3 was my favorite. 4 would’ve been, if not for the WALL OF TEXT. (… But seriously, sorry about the giraffe pee.)

    Like

  11. Basically, I’m thinking that a giraffe peeing on you is a sign of love.

    I’ll Google it and get back to you.

    Jamie Varon’s last blog post..ignore the critics and do whatever the hell you need to do

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  12. http://lmgtfy.com/?q=giraffes+peeing+on+you&l=1

    Well, didn’t confirm it but at least there’s a YouTube vid!

    Jamie Varon’s last blog post..ignore the critics and do whatever the hell you need to do

    Like

  13. Crap. I just noticed I have two number 3’s. What the hell is wrong with me?

    Like

  14. 1. This entry had me laughing … a lot. A lot a lot. And I’m not drunk.
    2. “Yellow Trash Diaries” made me laugh so hard I choked on a Tropical Dot. Vaginae? Really!?!

    Sarah’s last blog post..Heartbreaking

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  15. Funniest shit I have ever read.

    Keep blogging drunk. It works for you.

    Like

  16. I don’t think you’re drunk, I think you licked the right frog. Or maybe the giraffe did, before hitting you with his snout.

    Swistle’s last blog post..So Many Potential Posts About Deodorant

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  17. Your blog has spellcheck? Cool. I like the new pee colour, which is worrying. I like blue too – does that mean I’m a giraffe? I’m only 5’6 but I do have a big head. I promise not to put pee on you.

    Drolgerg’s last blog post..10 More Ways to Annoy People on Twitter: A Celebrity Special!

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  18. once again, i nearly wet myself 🙂 I need to read it over, i think i missed some bits through crying with laughter. I will tell my friends, ‘When the next giraffe attempts to rape you, it will be your fault for wearing a colour he liked. That’s karma.’

    so vagina is vaginae – do your readers know if it’s penises or penii? (They seem very on the ball… or something)

    Sheila’s last blog post..you’ll have to speak up, i’m not home

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  19. I was staying at a friends house for Jazz Fest one year and this really strange dude was there and we started talking about the psychedelic frog licking and he totally admitted that he licked a frog once because he was staying at his grandparents farm and was jonesing for a buzz so bad that he decided to take the chance. Just sayin’, you’re not the only frog licking experimenter out there. Good luck. Hope you find one, or seven.

    momranoutscreaming’s last blog post..I have no clue what I am doing

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  20. i was about to tell you that you had two number three’s.

    the giraffe head is huge.

    sorry about the pee.

    what idiot said “hey, let’s inject this frog with pregnant pee and see what happens?”

    erin’s last blog post..did i ever tell you about new year’s day?

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  21. Who knew giraffes were into golden showers?

    Like

  22. 22
    Just A. Reader

    Admit it. You led giraffe guy on. Tease.

    Like

  23. My god, his eye is like the size of your HAND! Your giraffe-rape must have been like King Kong and the screaming girl in the dress. Maybe she was also wearing blue?

    Malibu Niki’s last blog post..dance a little stranger

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  24. HAHAHAHAHA You are hilarious. I was peeing on myself as I read this. Something about you deserving the rape.

    Stephanie’s last blog post..Sara Bareilles is Awesome and I Suck

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  25. Y’know, maybe giraffe urine is a folk cure for scarlet fever and the giraffe was just trying to help but then you went and washed it off so you got sick anyway. Yeah, I bet that’s what happened.

    Steve’s last blog post..Inorganic

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  26. The Bloggess : makes me laugh :: swine flu : makes me stockpile canned goods
    (ie: compulsively a lot)

    Also, the size you think a giraffe head is : the size of an actual giraffe head :: my uncle Tom’s facebook quiz saying he should be a Hobbit : 14 hobbits

    Kari’s last blog post..She’s at it again

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  27. If I didn’t know better, I would say that you photoshopped that zoo memento because I have NEVER seen a giraffe head that large, and I know from giraffe heads.

    On the other hand, perhaps there was a witch doctor shrinking heads there, and you just got really tiny? It’s possible.

    MommyTime’s last blog post..Of Elephants and Verbs

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  28. I know you wrote this post while drunk (allegedly), but it’s one of my favorites of yours ever. So you should get drunk ALL THE TIME, IMHO. For my amusement.

    Also, “No, don’t hug me. I just got molested by a giraffe and I smell like urine”.” might be one of the best things I’ve ever read. Can I use that as my facebook status update? I’m not even kidding.

    Like

  29. Apparently the plural of octopus is octopodes. Even though 8 pus is still just pus. But the plural of pussy is pussies. Don’t know why; it’s all Greek to me!

    Drolgerg’s last blog post..10 More Ways to Annoy People on Twitter: A Celebrity Special!

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  30. pee colored blogs are my favorite.

    because a blog that looks like urine and speaks of urine can’t be anything but good!

    Like

  31. Thank you–I needed that. I’m too tired to get drunk and besides if I get drunk I’ll be all hungover staining the deck for the second day.

    Turnbaby’s last blog post..This is Too F****** Good Not To Share

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  32. Holy crap! That giraffe could have fit your whole head in its mouth. You’re lucky to be alive.

    Captain Dumbass’s last blog post..Remember When Super Man Flew Around The World Really Fast And Made It Turn The Other Way And Time Went Backwards?

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  33. Um, that giraffe’s head is effing huge. Also, you commented on my blog which made me have to write a new post because I suck and hadn’t written in forever, and therefore it’s your fault that my blog post sounds drunken and incoherent because that’s what I am. Thanks. And you’re welcome. I think.

    Like

  34. I’m drunk, too, and I love you now. But you’ll regret your decision to follow me on twitter because I’m colossally boring. Except a recent exchange referencing Eagles lyrics. I can’t decide if it was deliberate or a happy accident. But it was damn cool.

    Like

  35. I laughed until I shitted my pants.

    Like

  36. OMG, who knew that The Drunk Bloggess is even better than the Usual Bloggess?!?!?!

    That giraffe does have a huge fucking head.

    Amy’s last blog post..Happy Birthday Kathryn!

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  37. Wait, goddammit, I forgot to put up my linky. F*ckin’ giraffes and wine. Though, not together, well, kind of they are, since I’m drinking wine *hic* and reading about giraffes. Wait, what?

    Janey’s last blog post..And so it came to fisticuffs…..

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  38. If you ever do find out what morphine frogs look like, you should totally post it a picture. Or just e-mail me. Maybe twit-pic.

    The world needs to know. Also me. Because I have shin splints like a mofo and I’d be ALL OVER some morphine frog right now.

    Oh, and hey, do you know how you eat a frog? One leg over each ear. Maybe that’s E-frog. But, you know, speaking of frogs, sex, and drug references.

    Like

  39. I’m sorry, but how can you look so clueless when there is a HUGE HEADED probably fire breathing giraffe breathing BREATHING down your neck?! You MUST be on something chick.

    AmyAnne’s last blog post..In Support of Madlyn Primoff

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  40. Also, HAVE YOU SEEN A GIRAFFE’S TONGUE???

    Three words:

    LONG and PURPLE and BENDY.

    OK< I gotta go now. Man. Saturdaynight and too much Auxerrois. Jeebus.

    Janey’s last blog post..And so it came to fisticuffs…..

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  41. You look so pretty in that picture—you should always wear a giraffe head on your shoulder; it’s a good look.

    Fairly Odd Mother’s last blog post..After this week, I could use a laugh

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  42. If your pee is the color of this blog’s background, I’m guessing you drink a lot of water.

    apathy lounge’s last blog post..Go ahead and bury me in an extra large box, because I’m taking all of this stuff with me…

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  43. Are you sure you didn’t lead him on? You look pretty giddy. Just saying.

    anna see’s last blog post..The SAG Awards

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  44. Psst. You have nice teefs.

    Janey’s last blog post..And so it came to fisticuffs…..

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  45. Wow, raped by a giraffe and stricken by swine fly (if it’s not Scarlet Fever it has to be swine flu because you do live in Texas and I’ve read that’s like next door to pandemic ground zero).

    If we traded lives, I would be … more famous (which is relative really), possibly suffering from PTGiraffeS, and potentially dying of a mutant viral flu. And you gave up a real job for that too.

    annie’s last blog post..The Devil You Don’t Know

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  46. At the pond, my kids were catching mating spring peeper frogs, only they didn’t recognize the mating part. They believed that the mommies were carrying babies on their backs to keep them from drowning. A child near us was pulling them apart, insisting they keep their bodies to themselves. We are about to have a steep decline in the local frog population. Send morphine frog and maybe that egg laying one too, just in case my IUD doesn’t work at the zoo.

    Karen’s last blog post..7 Quick Takes Friday (vol 3)

    Like

  47. You look too normal to be this funny.

    Of course, I am reading this while drunk.

    Libby’s last blog post..Not Quite the Spanish Inquisition

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  48. I have no idea how I’ve never been here before. But, I don’t think I’m going to leave.

    Abra Leah’s last blog post..Tweeting for a Cause

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  49. I love that “my eyes are unfocused from drinking, not craziness” is a good thing. I can relate.

    Just say no to toads.

    Nan W’s last blog post..Taqueria Me, Por Favor

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  50. I couldn’t help but notice you mention writing about Ninjas in your about me section. Yet I don’t really see anything about Ninjas. Then again I was too lazy to really search, but making this comment has turned out to take much more effort than searching for a post about Ninjas. Damn.
    Oh well. My whole point is, as much as I do enjoy reading about sexually offensive zoo animals I’d like to see more Ninjas. There’s not enough out there about Mommy Ninjas. Or Mommy’s who blog about Ninjas. Or Ninjas who blog about mommies. Thanks.

    Meghan’s last blog post..The City

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  51. Megan, I just checked and there are 16 recent posts on the bloggess that mention ninjas. http://thebloggess.com/?s=ninja I agree though that we need more. I’ll get right on it.

    Like

  52. Jamie #12 — The pee video was purely lame! This one is far better:

    Even has ‘Ass’ in the URL. We’re really clicking on all three cylinders tonight.

    Like

  53. OMG do you have any idea how many videos there are on you tube of Giraffes drinking pee? WTF is up with these people. If I were a giraffe I’d totally be like “get out of my snatch I’m trying to piss on my mans face!” What does a chick have to do to get some private fetish time at a zoo?

    Maybe they were all geeked out on frog jizz

    Like

  54. Hilarious. The only thing that took my attention away from Graham Norton.

    Like

  55. I was totally a little drunk while I read this. And my boyfriend was a lot more drunk. Wonder twin powers ACTIVATE! Form of…SANITARY GIRAFFE!

    Samantha’s last blog post..Selling my soul for 40 hours a week and insurance

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  56. That may be the funniest thing I’ve read. At least in a while.

    And I wasn’t even drunk.

    Thanks.

    Laura’s last blog post..Review: Dead Ex by Harly Jane Kozak

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  57. Goddamn, girl.

    When you find the frog, give me some sort of top-secret sign on Twitter and you can lick half and I’ll lick the other half because, like, GERMS.

    Dr. Ding’s last blog post..Smell Ya Later, Houston

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  58. 58
    Just A. Reader

    Your eyes are beautiful. Zoo slut.

    Like

  59. I think this is the longest post you’ve written. It keeps going. And yet I was not bored. Not once. Hence, blog more drunk. Or high. You’re also really funny doped up. And send me some of whatever it is you’re on. Well, maybe wait until you’ve gotten over the plague.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Grey’s Anatomy S5ep18

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  60. Uhm… I’m not sure about the healthy urine color…
    Actually, I just said that since apparently every other color of the rainbow has been “eeew’ed”.
    You probably should have warned us by putting #6 first, ya think?
    Just reading about the giraffe urine made me feel like I need a shower.
    And now, I’ll go back to lurking.

    Kay’s last blog post..Discipline, my ass.

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  61. You are awesome.

    Karen’s last blog post..Facts about me

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  62. I had to read your first point 3 probably 15 times before it eventually started to make sense to me, and then another 12 times just to be able to figure out how the whole sequence went down and the order in which it all happened. And then, I figured out that the scenario only actually occurred in your imagination. Which is awesome. But I’m still kinda mad at myself for spending that much time reading your drunken imaginings when I really should have been studying. But I just desperately needed something funny to read tonight, so it was probably all worthwhile. I don’t like my course very much anyway. And I doubt I’d absorb that shit either, since I’m drunk. Which is all to say that I probably shouldn’t read when I’m drunk. Or when you’re drunk. Actually, we should have some kind of schedule.

    Also: I too posted about pee earlier today. So maybe we already have a schedule; it’s just not the right schedule.

    Momma Trish’s last blog post..Proof that urine is acidic

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  63. “She was totally asking for it. Did you see what she was wearing?” is just inspired. You should get drunk more often, but only if you promise to write on the Internet while doing it.

    Except, if it becomes a problem and anyone asks? I sternly frown on this, and caution you against it. And please make sure to delete this comment if that happens.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..A conversation between M- and D-: Tra-la-la-LA-la-laaa

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  64. I think I have been too shy to comment until now even though I’ve been reading forever because your blog is awesome, but now I must face my comment fear, because the plural of “penis” is “penes.”

    You’re welcome. And thank you for blogging drunk.

    sarawr’s last blog post..Your mama warned you there’d be days like these.*

    Like

  65. You are so lucky to be in the presence of a giraffe. Not the peeing part but maybe he was marking his territory. Any person that’s peed on by my favorite animal is a friend of mine. How do I sign up for one of these giraffe tours at the zoo? You are so funny.

    Like

  66. We should totally start a support group because I was molested by a giraffe as a child. It. Was. Horrifying. Yet my family took a picture as the giraffe stuck its tongue down my shirt. Assholes.

    By the way, I think you should have showered BEFORE you posted this because I think the pee got all over your blog. Either that or someone is trying to use your blog as an EPT frog because they’re pregnant with triplets.

    Morphine frog and pregnancy test frog, really?! I think that lady was totally baked and I’m now concerned for the animals.

    LB’s last blog post..Mother Nature says to be green! She’s even more important then that Simon guy that always tells us what to do!

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  67. Getting pissed on by a girraffe—most awesome thing ever, but only because it didn’t piss on me. I googled the toad thing, and found out a guy in Kansas City, where I live, was arrested for possessing one of these toads. KC has the hook-up. yo!

    Young Mama Rae’s last blog post..Why?

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  68. His name is Kiva. He’s a total horndog. I had a group of kids with me and we went to visit the giraffes and he had a giant giraffe erection – they had no problem figuring out which one was the male…

    Like

  69. You had me at morphine frog.

    They look like this http://www.amnh.org/exhibitions/frogs/vivarium/pharming.php

    Also, did you ever think that the giraffe reads your blog, and was perhaps planning the molestation in order to get featured here?

    I mean, I would TOTALLY pee on you if that would get me on your blog.

    Just saying.

    Jelly’s last blog post..Apparently it’s not just Mondays that hate me. It’s the universe.

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  70. Light colored pee isn’t always a good thing. Mostly because I think I am going to have kidney failure soon (I have OCD and am a hypochondriac by the way) and I looked up the symptoms and it says that light colored pee can mean kidney failure.

    Not to freak you out or anything, but seriously, I think someone should suffer with me in my panic attack, and who better than you?

    Also, I’m pretty sure that the giraffe did speak English, because he stated, “I don’t speak English.” Giraffes are liars. If it’ll make you feel better I could send you those pictures I took at the zoo of the kangaroos that exposed themselves to me.

    Untypically Jia’s last blog post..Gas Gave Me Migraines

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  71. So glad to hear that Hailey’s recovered from the scarlet fever. Who knew that it still existed. When Q-ster came down with the croup, I said, “Croup? What is this? A Dickens book?”

    Try to stay away from giraffes.

    Lady M’s last blog post..Hopelessly Geeky, Even in Bling

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  72. That’s so weird- I just blogged a few hours ago about blogging while drunk, and then I cam e here and read this and it says that you’re blogging while drunk, and guess what? Now I’M drunk. This has to mean something.

    LS’s last blog post..WUI

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  73. I can’t believe blue gets you molested by a giraffe- I’d figure giraffe print would. But maybe he sees that all day long, like a gynocologist or something, and when he saw your blue dress he was all, “DAAAAYUM! Now THAT is different!” and then proceeded to try and get him some.

    I just re-read this and realize that I just said that gynocologists see giraffe print all day long. They probably do, but they also see vaginas all day long, too, and probably don’t rush home to see one more, which was my original point.

    The REAL Kari’s last blog post..Lunch Conversation

    Like

  74. 74
    Call me Jenn or Jennifer, but never Jenny

    Jenny, It’s too bad and all that you almost died from scarlet fever, got molested by a giraffe, or that your pee is so awesome that it must be gazed upon in awe… Blah blah blah blah… morphine frogs… whatever… I just simply MUST KNOW where you got that awesome blue dress!! No wonder the giraffe couldn’t keep its hooves off of you!

    Like

  75. oh give me a break, we all see that come hither look in your eyes …

    Kimberlee’s last blog post..I love the Dordogne in the spring time …

    Like

  76. so while the rest of us are enjoying the swine flu, you have to go and get giraffe VD, don’t you?

    Marinka’s last blog post..Wearing the Ulysses Dunce Cap

    Like

  77. Do you think that if giraffes eat asparagus their pee smells funny too?

    And would their man be all, “You need to wash that thing…oh wait, is that asparagus?”

    Maybe this is a question for the ask the bloggess column instead.

    amo’s last blog post..The Voices…I haz em

    Like

  78. OH! That’s probably the frog that Paul Simon is singing about in “Senorita with a Necklace” Look –

    There is a frog in South America
    Whose venom is a cure
    For all the suffering that mankind
    Must endure
    More powerful than morphine
    And soothing as the rain
    A frog in South America
    Has the antidote to pain

    Jill/Twipply Skwood’s last blog post..Death by Entanglement

    Like

  79. i have eggs. in case anyone was worried.

    Like

  80. If you are going to drive an innocent animal into a sexual frenzy you should at least ask him his name first.
    Perhaps his sharing of his girl friend’s urine on his face was his way of asking you if you did threesomes?
    I feel sorry for the girl giraffe. She finally says yes and the guy runs off with the first blue dress he sees.

    Like

  81. We so need to have a support group. Me, you and the chick whose face was ripped off by the monkey. St. Louis Zoo once had a baby camel roped off in this building where you could pet it. There were hundreds of people trying to pet this poor thing. When it was my turn to pet him, the baby camel let out this horrible “Uughooo!” noise, and rammed his head into me and tried to latch onto my breast! My husband announced to the crowd, “He wants her milk!” Somebody owes me $10,000 for that video, thankyouverymuch.

    Like

  82. I hate when someone calls me ma’am. I’m only 22 years old until i’m like 80 don’t call me ma’am. Actually even then I don’t think I would like being called that. One time I drank so much water that my pee was clear. Then I was stopped drinking anything until it went back to being a light color because I didn’t want to like die from drinking too much water. I actually told my boyfried about it on the phone that night because it was wierd for it to be completely clear. It actually happens kind of a lot and then I get all worried about my pee being clear too much and so I try to stop drinking, but then i’m still thirsty so I drink some more and then I just continue to pee clear and also having to pee every 5 minutes isn’t fun. And I think this is the most I have ever written about pee in a comment.

    Zandor’s last blog post..You could probably use your time a little better.

    Like

  83. I don’t think you look crazy in the photo. Well, not in the first photo, anyway. I think you look like you just had an epiphany or were Touched by God or something. Of course what makes that picture truly great is what we know you were touched with right afterwards.

    Sallyacious’s last blog post..Good-Bye, Bea Arthur. You, I’ll Miss

    Like

  84. Maybe your readers just like golden showers.

    Miss Grace’s last blog post..That’s Superman

    Like

  85. Good heavens! What an ADVENTURE your day was!

    Coast Rat’s last blog post..2009 – Week #8 Mississippi Gulf Coast Blue Bird Trail Update

    Like

  86. you are so hilarious…as someone who met you first and then read your blog, i gotta say your wit bleeds through your writing beautifully!! and btw, i would think you would remember Kiva’s name after all the necking and heavy breathing you both did!! 🙂

    sara’s last blog post..Protected: Around the world in 80 clicks (..or for the love of the boy)

    Like

  87. Are you sure it isn’t Giraffe VD, drinking AND the crazy?

    Nah. probably just the GVD.

    Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah’s last blog post..Turn, Turn, Turn

    Like

  88. scary. I was totally molested by a dolphin once when I was 10. My parents were all “he wants to swim with you!” but the trainer guy was all – “grab onto that other one’s fin and get the hell outta there,” which is what I did. I just don’t care that much for dolphins anymore. You can’t trust them.

    Katy’s last blog post..Romans 9

    Like

  89. 89
    Jeannette or Xjaeva

    Wow!
    You have really nice teeth. I wish my teeth were that nice.

    Like

  90. Jeez, if the giraffe is going to involve it in all of its kinky mating behaviors, it should have at least told you what the safe word was, which it clearly did not since it doesn’t speak english.

    Dani’s last blog post..If this is part of a "blog carnival", i’m pretty sure i’m the freak show…

    Like

  91. In some parts of the world, giraffe urine is considered sacred. So much so that some people believe it’s a miracle cure for Scarlet Fever, which is probably why you only have a *cold*. I’m just saying …

    Like

  92. Thank god I’m not the only drunk blogger….

    Like

  93. So, wait, are you now color coordinating your blog to your subject matter? I think that was the point of all of this and all that crap about ex-coworkers and giraffe molestation and drunkenness was just distraction…

    a’s last blog post..I love the news!

    Like

  94. It’s understandable that he was confused – who *doesn’t* want some good old-fashioned giraffe lovin’?

    Sarah’s last blog post..according to the internet…

    Like

  95. Oh please please please don’t stop . . . you just kill me every time!

    Elaine at Lipstickdaily’s last blog post..They cleaned my garage for FREE!

    Like

  96. The First Step is admitting complete defeat.

    Black Hockey Jesus’s last blog post..Mountain Girl Silver

    Like

  97. Holy crap that giraffe has a huge head.

    I’m the up side of down today.

    Rhea’s last blog post..The Up Side of Down

    Like

  98. Have you seen that SNL sketch about giraffe’s and how they are crazy? There’s a song and EVERYTHING. Well, clearly it wasn’t just a sketch and was more in the way of a PSA.

    Like

  99. Wow, 80 cantaloupes? That’s some measurement system you have!

    P.S. I like your pee. Well, how it looks, not how it tastes or anything. Not that I would drink it but… I’d better stop now.

    Like

  100. Thoughtful, insightful post as always, Bloggess.

    I always heard the giraffes’ favorite song is “Piss On Me And I’ll Be Urine”—–so it’s true after all…
    SEE! –This is why your writing is so important: you keep us informed about the fauna.
    You’re just like David Attenborough if he was bombed on cough syrup, mescaline and angel dust.
    You could start a whole new career of weekly public service informationals on the status of animals and shit . . . the world needs animal facts.

    Like

  101. Be happy it’s only Scarlet Fever. I think I have Red Tide, which means I’ll soon be a single celled organism and that’s going to make it a real bitch to type. However I’ll be able to reproduce asexually, so I have that going for me.

    Tim Ford’s last blog post..My Top 5 SQL Server Indexing Best Practices

    Like

  102. So. you still got insurance even though you are not working right? So you can still get your meds? I will take up a collection if not.

    Cedarflame’s last blog post..Books On Demand

    Like

  103. I love you, Cedarflame. Luckily, Victor just got a new job that gives the whole family insurance. If you want to to take up a collection for booze though that would be fine. His company never pays our booze allowance.

    Like

  104. Well, if I were raped by a giraffe I’d be drunk too. Hey, you’re gonna need that EPT frog. Rape makes babies too, ya know.

    Like

  105. Oh, don’t post that other comment!!! I forgot you had an IUD. Wait. How big is giraffe sperm? Would it just obliterate your IUD?

    Like

  106. O…M…GOSH

    I ❤ you. Really. I do. You made tears come out of my eyes from laughter. And now The Man is coming in here to see what I’m laughing at.

    Dammit… busted.

    Like

  107. I could totally hear your voice when I was reading this. It is a SIGN. Or I’m drunk. Either way, you should read this post aloud at BlogHer this year.

    Like

  108. Okay, I’m going to feel like a bastard for saying this, but I feel like I have to: the giraffe picture is pretty much what I would imagine it to look like if Helen Keller went to visit the zoo. Don’t get me wrong, she was an AWESOME human being, but homegirl couldn’t pose worth a damn.

    Wait, maybe you look more like Eleanor Roosevelt…that wouldn’t be as blasphemous.

    Like

  109. Okay, so this is my first time here. Which is probably some sort of blog ethics violation all in itself. You ARE The Bloggess, after all. You are, I think, also known for ridiculously awesome entries like this.

    And I have to say that I couldn’t think up a better entry to get me hooked. This was perfect on an otherwise colorless Monday morning. 🙂

    Like

  110. I am glad your blog matches the giraffe piss color. Otherwise, I might not believe you.

    Like

  111. Girl, I hate to say it, but you totally look like you were flirting with that giraffe.

    The Dental Maven’s last blog post.."Just wanted 2 say IMS. BFN – Clare"

    Like

  112. I’m just wondering what the babies are going to look like. 🙂

    Like

  113. My mom used to tell me I was going to get raped because I dressed so slutty (t-shirts with words across the chest!!) and it was going to be my fault. True story.

    Prosy’s last blog post..4-D Porn

    Like

  114. I’m glad that you posted that pic of your and your giraffe boyfriend because I was starting to think that you’d been licking A LOT of toads and this whole post was a big, big LIE.

    So, what are you and the giraffe doing for your second date. I’m not sure that I want to know what a giraffe considers second and third base. Oh what they hell, I do wanna know.

    Vikki’s last blog post..Weekend Bonus Shot

    Like

  115. Big deal. I mean, kinda lame move on the giraffe’s part, just looking down your shirt like that. Yet you and the crazies here think it’s all cute and shit. When I do that in the sports bar, everyone shakes their heads and requests the old man just leave.

    Like

  116. *sigh* Like I was trying to tell you when we were in the ladies room stall… Once you go giraffe…. hence still your eyes in comment #7… sheesh you NEVER listen to me, it’s always about urine and your life! LOL

    Like

  117. Oh and BTW – I would hug you even if you were still wet with giraffe urine… now we may have to talk if it’s sperm, but that’s another story for another time!

    Like

  118. You are too funny! I really laughed out loud. For real.

    Sapphire’s last blog post..Parents Say the Darndest Things

    Like

  119. I cannot tell a lie: I paid that giraffe to stick its tongue down your blouse.

    Like

  120. If you look really closely at the picture, you can totally see the giraffe is calling you his “hoe”.

    Cat’s last blog post..Stroking the Shift Key

    Like

  121. Morphine Frog. Throws a whole new light on what Miss Piggy sees in Kermit.

    Like

  122. Giraffe pee… a pee-colored blog… Bossy is sensing a theme. And she likey.

    BOSSY’s last blog post..Bossy’s Absolutely No Spoiler Movie Review: Broken English.

    Like

  123. Does giraffe piss smell different from other piss?

    I imagine, if anything, it would smell kind of grassy or leafy? You know how sometimes your pee smells like coffee if you drink a lot of coffee or asparagus or whatever the fuck you eat that makes pee smell weird? Don’t giraffes just eat grass and leaves?

    If my pee was the color of your background I would immediately call 911. Pee is not supposed to be BEIGE, WOMAN!!

    Well Read Hostess’s last blog post..Sunday Panic

    Like

  124. Oh, crap, you are funny! Elisson was right!

    I don’t think the giraffes at the Portland zoo are so cute now. I’m so sending this to my daughter, who loves giraffes. I think it is a common thing for some male animals to pee on themselves. I know elk do it. Billy goats absolutely reek of it. Ima wondering if you bottled pee, could you sell it to men as cologne?

    Also, would it make you feel any better to know that the MGM lion peed in my brother-in-law’s mouth once? That’s what happens when you open your mouth big to say, “Hey, Mom! Look at the li-(gurglesplutter)…”

    Like

  125. I went to the zoo last week and while I wasn’t molested we did happen do catch the orangutans doing it doggy style.

    Or I guess it was orangutan style really.

    Then I saw this one animal called a tapir’s penis drop and holy shit this thing hit the ground.

    I was wondering if I hadn’t gone to some alternate reality where like zoo porn is really popular.

    WM’s last blog post..Hacked,Jacked and feeling out of whack

    Like

  126. Sometimes I just comment so you know I’m reading you because after a while “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAH” gets old:)
    P.S. The comment of the day is priceless!

    sabrina’s last blog post..If You Need Me, I’ll Be At Mime School

    Like

  127. I found this for you. I figured Frog juice is a hellauvalot better than meth. AAANNNDDD- Lot’s more fun than Mopjuice! If you want someone to go on a morphine frog quest with you, I’m totally game. Look me up. k? K? OKAY??? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epipedobates_tricolor

    Like

  128. I can’t believe someone called Helen Keller “homegirl.”

    That bitch is totally cheating on me.

    LiLu’s last blog post..Here’s How Last Night Went.

    Like

  129. You wore blue in a giraffe cage? Why didn’t you just put on some fuck me pumps, hike your skirt up and back in while singing “Me So Horny?” You can pretend like you didn’t want it, but no one walks into a giraffe cage wearing blue, ESPECIALLY when there’s a urine test in progress. That’s just common knowledge.

    mayopie’s last blog post..Bathroom gravy

    Like

  130. PeggyU – Actually they do bottle pee and sell it. Hunters wear deer piss so that the deer don’t smell them. It would be funny if girl deer in heat pee was in the bottle. The deer would be chasing the hunters up the tree stands trying to do them. The deer already get crazy in rutting season, that would be the last straw!

    Like

  131. Remoind me to never post another picture of myself on my blog, because if yours is considered bad, mine would be illegal.

    Beth’s last blog post..I am a Stubborn Empty Nester

    Like

  132. Damn, I love you. Probably just as much as that giraffe did.

    Kyla’s last blog post..Dear Future Kyla,

    Like

  133. Fabulous post…. but the comment of the day? I nearly peed my pants.

    I wonder if I did…. would it have been this lovely a shade of yellow

    Colleen – a madison mom’s last blog post..Grace in Small Things – 44

    Like

  134. Oh, Bloggess. You make me laugh. I’m pretty sure that I smell like urine now. But it’s ok. Maybe I’ll get hit on, by a giraffe.

    js’s last blog post..About What Was Lost

    Like

  135. Holy CRAP……….thats a big Giraffe Head!!!

    I wouldn’t be randomly licking frogs………………G.R.O.S.S…………….go have some kinda surgery, they give you drugs for that.

    jp

    Like

  136. There should be warnings on your post because now here I am laughing really loud at work around elementary school children and they come up and ask why and I have to tell them “giraffe urine.” And their parents get weird about that stuff.

    bri’s last blog post..privacy lines

    Like

  137. Every self-respecting blog needs a drunk entry every now and then. I do them myself.

    http://spazz.me’s last blog post..Why Marriage?

    Like

  138. My posts aren’t posting? Did I get banned or something? I love this blog…

    http://spazz.me’s last blog post..Why Marriage?

    Like

  139. Blue dress? I wonder if Bill Clinton has giraffe blood in him? If that were the case, we should have made a bigger fuss over his inauguration as the first Giraffriacan American president. I think he got stiffed.

    Like

  140. Do you have ANY idea how difficult it is to explain “What’s so funny?” when you can’t breathe from laughing? And the thing that IS funny is a post about giraffe molestation? And then to have to explain why I would be reading a post about giraffe molestation? And then to have to explain why I think it’s okay to be doing this on company time with company resources?

    Ehem.

    Lori’s last blog post..Breathing again.

    Like

  141. I changed the background color of my blog 90,000 times and every time someone would say ”Ew”, so I changed it to the lightest color of pee I could find and so far, no complaints.

    Ewwwwww…

    EdT.’s last blog post..Mono-a-Mono

    Like

  142. Okay, MY FACE HURTS from laughing. I am crying and laughing while reading about giraffe urine and my husband is looking at me all weird because I’m interrupting his ice cream eating. And then it took me like 12 times to correctly spell interrupting because I don’t understand his Macbook and how to use spell check. He’s like, “What are you doing?” and I can’t even talk because I’m still reading and I know I have a retarded laughing dolphin face. Anyway, you are hysterical and your advice column is way better than Dear Abby. Isn’t she dead? Then you are definitely better.

    jessie pingle’s last blog post..Congratulations, now what are you doing with your uterus?

    Like

  143. I recently discovered your blog and I this has to be one of my new all-time favorite blogs. Funniest part – morphine frog! I aspire to write like you. Keep it up!

    Holly Hamann’s last blog post..How to get teens to school on time (and secretly have fun doing it)

    Like

  144. you are awesome!

    Jeannie’s last blog post..The Backstory…

    Like

  145. Um what happened to your eye brows? Perhaps letting them grow closer together than the current 6 inches and not over-plucking would lessen the “crazy eyes” effect and reduce your appeal to horny giraffes. Just a chance.

    Like

  146. Just be glad it wasn’t a dolphin. Those motherfuckers are rapists of the deep. You don’t walk away from a dolphin encounter. You limp!

    Or swim. It sort of depends on where it happens, and how deep the water is.

    Cat Lincoln’s last blog post..New Starbucks Ad Campaign is Full of Shit

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  147. 147
    Lady Penelope

    Mrs. Doolittle, I think this explains how you got parvo …

    Like

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