Shit that happened this week:
1. Hailey recovered from scarlet fever and then I got it except the guy at the readi-clinic was all “You just have a cold, ma’am” but I feel like shit so I’m pretty sure it’s the plague and also why the fuck are you calling me “ma’am”? I realize you’re only 25 but you are a doctor and ma’aming me is just rude at this point. I know, you’re all younger than me and you’re already a doctor and never have to eat ramen noodles BUT YOU WORK INSIDE A GROCERY STORE. And also, you made me have to look up the spelling of the word “ma’am” and that shit totally doesn’t look right.
2. I gave out professional advice about p0rn and how to fake giving birth to the Messiah.
3. I changed the background color of my blog 90,000 times and every time someone would say “Ew”, so I changed it to the lightest color of pee I could find and so far, no complaints. I think that’s because light-colored pee is healthy and means you’re drinking just enough and so you feel all self-righteous and you think about bringing in your coworker because someone needs to appreciate this but he’s in a meeting and no one else understands you there and then you think that it probaby wouldn’t work anyway because he’s a boy and this is the ladies room but we could totally sneak him in when there wasn’t anyone in there but you know as soon as you got him in there you’d be stuck because your boss would walk in and then you’d both have to hide in the stall and try not to laugh and you’d be pointing at the pee and mouthing “LOOK AT THAT. IT’S AWESOME” and he’d be all “WHY THE HELL ARE WE IN THE BATHROOM?!” and he’d be screaming but silently and then you’d be mouthing “I HAD 9 GLASSES OF WATER THIS MORNING” and then he’d try to tell you that that’s actually unhealthy because of something about how it throws off the sodium in your body and you could die and I’m all “FINE, DEBBIE-DOWNER. I WAS JUST TRYING TO SHARE MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS WITH YOU” and then he’s all “WELL I’M JUST TRYING TO SAVE YOUR LIFE” and then you quit work but you come back two weeks later to visit and he’s all pissed off that you haven’t called or anything but he still tries to hug you and you’re all “No, don’t hug me. I just got molested by a giraffe and I smell like urine”.
3. I got molested by a giraffe and smelled like urine and then had to go to my old job to pick up my final paycheck and I was trying to be all “Oh, my new life of unemployment is so glamorous! Don’t get near me though, because of all the giraffe piss”. This is probably the entry that needs the most explanation but that second point was way too long and by now most of you are all “What’s for dinner?”, “Is something burning?”, “I wonder who’s on twitter now?”, “No, seriously. *Is* something burning?” but for the four of you still here I will give you the story: I was molested. By a giraffe. And I smelled like urine.
4. Wait. I just realized I didn’t really explain anything there. Basically I went to the zoo for a social media outreach thingie with 3 other writers and first of all we ran the golf cart into a fence and it got so caught we couldn’t even lift it and had to abandon it. Then the zoo people were all “Wanna get in the giraffe pen and feed the giraffes?” and I’m all “With all the urine? OF COURSE I DO.” Oh wait. No. I think I said “Oh. I guess so?” So then I got in with the giraffes and the zoo people were all “Oh, look…the male is doing a urine test to see if she’s in heat” and basically the giraffe stuck his face in the butt of the female giraffe and she peed on his face and I’m all “Ew. …I mean ‘Oh! The miracle of nature!’” and right then the male giraffe swung his uriney face around and totally hit me with his snoot! And his face was totally as big as a dinosaurs. Like, from a distance they look like they have tiny dog heads because they’re so far away but up close their heads are like the size of 80 canteloupes. Then he grabbed ahold of me with his big neck and pushed me up against the wall and the zoo people were all “Giraffe guy! (I can’t remember his name because I probably blocked it out from the trauma) Let her go!” but they were saying it very playfully but then he pushed me over to the other side of the fence and pinned me there and I’m all “I’M ON THE I.U.D. I’M NOT EVEN FERTILE.” but the giraffe was like “Oh, I don’t speak English” and then I smelled like giraffe and urine and on the way out I mentioned that I wanted a rape kit and the zoo people laughed but I was only partially kidding and then one of them was all “It was probably your dress. He likes blue” which is the equivalent of “Well she was totally asking for it. Did you see what she was wearing?” Then they brought us back to the zoo office and this lady told us about how the Houston Zoo is all into conservation and she started talking about yellow-spotted-mountain-tree-toad-fungus that’s killing frogs and I stopped listening but then she said something about how there was a frog with juices 100 times stronger than morphine that’s also non-addictive and I was all ” We can not lose morphine frog” and I asked her to describe what it looks like and where I could find one and she totally wouldn’t tell me and she started talking about how there’s another frog that if you inject pee into it and you’re pregnant the frog will lay eggs immediately and the girl next to me is all “Like EPT. And you can use it over and over” which is cool but get back to morphine frog but she totally wouldn’t and said she was kinda out of it because she hadn’t slept for 5 days because of “toad issues” which I think means she’d been on a toad juice bender. Then she started talking about “what a cotton-tree sounds like when you are lying in the grass” and I was all “This lady is high right now“. So basically I’m going to start licking a bunch of random frogs just in case one is the morphine frog. Not that pee frog though. That’s disgusting.
5. Oh I almost forgot! The zoo sent me photos of our jaunt except they only included pictures immediately before the attack where I look all happy because probably their legal team was all “You can’t send her those pictures but let’s pin them up in the office so we can laugh at them all day. Is that giraffe urine dripping off of her? Awesome.”
6. I wrote this entire post while drunk. True story. If I were you I probably wouldn’t read it. Also, I love the zoo in spite of the whole giraffe rape thing and they did not pay me to say that although they did give me a stuffed panda bear which my dog is chewing on right now. Bad dog. Is this the longest post I’ve ever written? I’m pretty sure it is. It’s so long I don’t even know how to end it.
UPDATED: 7. Yes, I know I look crazy in that picture but I think maybe it’s partially because there’s a giant giraffe head right next to me but then I just took another picture with my phone to prove I don’t look that weird in real life and I totally still have crazy eyes. I probably have some sort of giraffe VD.
Comment of the day: Okay, I’m going to feel like a bastard for saying this, but I feel like I have to: the giraffe picture is pretty much what I would imagine it to look like if Helen Keller went to visit the zoo. Don’t get me wrong, she was an AWESOME human being, but homegirl couldn’t pose worth a damn. ~ Michael