If you have a choice, don’t get rheumatoid arthritis. Or testicular cancer. I heard that one sucks too.

in "Bloggessed" is the new puce, "Kawasakied" is the new black., blogging about blogging again, functions I shouldn't be allowed to attend, If I was a dog I'd be dead by now, Letters from Nancy, Post that people who don't twitter won't get

A series of things that should be separate posts but they aren’t:

1.  Paraphrased conversation between me and my rheumatologist yesterday:

Me:  My feet are ouchie.

Him:  That’s because you have a degenerative disease, dumb-ass.

Me:  Yes, but I thought I’d be better by now.

Him:  I think you don’t know what “degenerative” means.  Let’s up the chemo drug that makes your hair fall out  to 10 pills at a time and if that still doesn’t work then next month we’ll start doing IV therapy and self injections.

Me:  Yay!

PS.  That “yay” was sarcastic.  I know it’s hard to see sarcasm on paper but probably the context should have given it away.  

PPS.  Honestly, I’m fine and can still totally function.  It just feels like when you’re wearing really uncomfortable stilettos that are two sizes too small and you can still pole dance but you know you aren’t as effective as before because you keep grimacing but you’re trying to at least grimace “sexily” except you know it’s not working because that stripper with the bullet-holes in her thigh is getting bigger tips than you.  And that’s exactly what rheumatoid arthritis feels like.

2.  For those of you that are new, Nancy W. Kappes is a paralegal from Indiana who never comments but sends me these long, fucked-up emails that are shockingly similar in tone to the emails I send to my idols who never respond to me and now I know how it feels to get an email screaming about failed abortions and Jesus-Christ trucker hats.  (It feels awesome.)  (That’s not sarcasm).  And Nancy fans keep yelling at me to share more of her letters so here are the latest two (starting with her take on Cinco de Mayo) and I swear to God she is real and not me and might even come to the Blogher People’s Party in Chicago so stop doubting me, non-believers:

CHACHACHACHAJENNNNN

Hey! A Holiday celebrating mayonnaise. I’m gonna totally protest and eat some Miracle Whip. Once for a party, I filled this huge piñata with M&Ms. Just plain ole colored M&Ms. Lots of fucking boxes of M&M’s. Like tons of M&M’s. Okay, so the kiddies are blindfolded and the grown-ups sneak off to smoke crack watch their little faces light up. Elizabeth (who would grow up and be a rugby star—all 95 lbs. of her—but she could run like her mother, and once she grabbed those tree-trunk legs of the other players, you had to saw her head off to get her to let go.) Anyway, she’s about 7 and a twee little thing, but she takes that stick and knocks the motherfucking piñata into the next county. Okay. So now we are knee deep in GODDAMNED UNWRAPPED M&M’S AND THREE DOGS AND EIGHT KIDS START GOBBLING THEM UP AS FAST AS THEY CAN. Fuck me running, no one told me the shit had to be fucking wrapped. So there’s dogs pooping up huge rainbow turds and the kids are all eating a % of 1/1,000 (one being the number of M&M’s and the other being the amount of dog hair.) Then their Guatemalan housekeeper who has wet her pants and passed out laughing gets on the phone in her room where she no doubt  was laughing her ass off to her friends in Guatemala about  the fucking-dumb-ass gringo who totally didn’t wrap the candy. Muy loco chica!!!

So the hell with it.  I’m drinking jello-shots tonight.

Gotta run. I’ve scheduled a conference call with Life, God and Jesus at 4:00pm. It ain’t gonna be pretty.

Nancy W. Kappes

Paralegal

**************************

HOLY MIGHTY FUCKING BALLS, JJJJJJJEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNN!

Come to Indiana where all the viruses, bacteria, people with an I.Q. in double digits, anything interesting, moved out long ago with all of the goddamned fun. When I would take the grrlz to school in the am [driving 145 mph–we looked like our faces had been put in one of those 90-mile an hour wind tunnels; Claire used to claim her face didn’t return to normal until 3rd period] we would pass “Conner Prairie” and, yes, it is as hokey as it sounds—makes Rock City look like the Louvre. One bleak, cold, pitch dark morning in winter, there was an atypical lack of joviality and witty banter until we passed C. Prairie and Elizabeth bellowed, “You stupid shit-heads! What the hell kind of drugs were you on when you decided to stop here?” We still don’t know. People say “Oh, but it is such a great place to raise your children”. Bollocks. It’s difficult for tha grrlz to get products for their meth lab. 

Okay, so this thing that is in Chicago in July or whatever—no wigs! Roller wigs! HA! Totally like your photo! How motherfucking awesome would it be to look out over a crowd of people and they are all totally wearing roller wigs! Sweet! Actually, if I wasn’t a lazy bitch, I would make some for you to pass out, but maybe a shit load of the Jesus Christ hats where we cross out Jesus Christ with a fucking sharpie and write in“The Bloggess.”

Well now I can’t get this goddamned font off my computer. Motherfucker, I hate these things.

I can’t stand this fucking font—it’s like “Letters to God.”or some ‘Reader’s Digest’ shit. Plus, considering the content, isn’t that an oxymoron?

Nancy W. Kappes 

Paralegal

 

3.  Neil Gaiman direct messaged me on twitter.  Seriously, that happened.  And yes, sadly, it happened because he read my post about strange-looking guys I’d totally do if I wasn’t married but still…NEIL-fucking-GAIMAN, y’all.  I own 27 of his books.  Swear to God.  Then I told my friend Laura that Neil Gaiman had DMed me and she was all “NEIL DIAMOND DMed YOU?!?” and I’m all “No.  Neil GAIMAN.”  And she’s all “Oh.  Who?”  Then I drowned her in a fountain at the mall.  

4.  I’m going to spend the night on an aircraft carrier with a small group of internet-famous people next week, including Guy Kawasaki and some guy who was on Dancing with the Stars.  I think he also invented the internet.  I’d write about it here but all those people probably have google alerts set up for when people mention their name and I don’t want those people to find this blog before I meet them because I’m the only non-famous, weird girl going and I plan on pretending I’m someone else.  Like maybe Neil Gaiman.  So instead I’m gonna video blog about it later today or as soon as I can figure out how to work this new fucking computer that is trying to destroy me.

5.  Neil Gaiman, y’all.

Comment of the day:    Mmmmmayonaisse. Europeans don’t refirigerate it and they put it on their fries. That’s all I really know about them and also where my curiosity ends. ~MayoPie

103 thoughts on “If you have a choice, don’t get rheumatoid arthritis. Or testicular cancer. I heard that one sucks too.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. I had to go score some m&m’s after reading this. I am eating them right now.

  4. I have an excellent pole dancing tip I’ve developed over many years of drunk bar dancing. If (and when) you fall off the pole do a little shimmy on the ground like you fell off on purpose. If you’re drunk enough you’ll think that no one noticed and your friends will get a kick out of it. win-win

    Maxie’s last blog post..500

  6. p.s. Not that you’re actually talking about pole dancing, I just feel like it’s a necessary bit of info that everyone should know. you never know when you’re going to end up on a pole in front of 100s of people. It can happen.

    Maxie’s last blog post..500

  8. Neil Gaiman … sweeet. I’m a fan. He reads some of his own books on Audible, and it totally shocked the shit out of me to realize that being British means you have an accent! Ok, not really. I’m not that far gone.

    When you’re hip-bumping all those Web celebs, make sure you send the whole thing to Twitter. You’d totally win against that astronaut dude (@Astro_mike) who’s tweeting from orbit.

  10. As usual, funny as hell; full of wit, sarcasm and serious stuff. My wife has RA…and went through breast cancer. I can’t say what it’s like to have it, but I watch and help her everyday. You know what’s cool? She can tell me when it’s going to rain by how her RA begins flaring up. Okay, that’s not really that cool, but it does help me know when to pull the firewood inside!

    I got my own issues, but you can read that boring stuff on my blog if you’re ever so inclined. I can say that sleep apnea can turn an aggressive, thrill-seeking dumbass into a weeping ball of mouse fuzz sometimes.

    Hang in there, Bloggess! You’re a beautiful soul.

    BTW, your rheumatologist sounds way cool. My wife might like to see him. Any chance he practices in South Texas?

    Seriously, my thots and prayers are with you (if that’s okay).

    How does an unknown like me get in on the aircraft carrier gig? That sounds like a rockin’ good time!

    Nancy Kappes rocks, too!

    Mr. Nuggets’s last blog post..Benny the Race Car

  11. oh, i feel for you on the health front…i could have a whole separate blog on the topic, but seriously, it would probably be the most depressing thing…and therefore, no one would read it. anyway. i hope you don’t have to start with the IV therapy. been there, it blows. i mean, the chemo drugs are awesome too, don’t get me wrong…but probably still better. plus, people really freak out when you tell them you’re taking chemo drugs. it’s kinda fun to watch 🙂

    feel better!

    shoppingsmycardio’s last blog post..the “worthy splurge” how-to

  13. Maybe you should pretend to be Nancy W. Kappes, paralegal. . . And tell them the M&M story. Then when you’re done and they’re looking at you like you’re crazy, you can be all “Actually, I’m Jenny the Bloggess” and tell then the Haulocats story.

  15. NEIL DIAMOND DM’ED YOU?

    Color me jealous. Only thing that would have been cooler is if it’d been Rod “The Bod” Stewart. Don’t knock Rod, dude. Just don’t.

    Becky’s last blog post..Now THAT Was Awkward

  16. Dammit, I need to get me some fanmail. Ain’t nothing more boosting to the ego than a scary stalker. I used to pay a guy to leave dead animals on my front step but it wasn’t the same. I couldn’t kid myself. He’s buried in the park now.

    Sorry to hear you have a degenerative disease. That sucks. At least it’s not that one that eats away at the skin. I hear that’s the worst.

    Fuiru’s last blog post..Heavy Metal Music Round-up

  17. That is awesome that you got a response from Neil Gaiman (even if it was in exasperation over being a weird dude that people would still plow). Especially considering you are a fan and all. It just goes to show you that when you stalk celebrities, eventually they respond, especially writers. I’ve been stalking a knitter recently (I know, my life is sad) and eventually got a response from her. Now we are Soul Mates (although I’m not sure she knows that yet). I guess she will find out when I take her class in a couple of weeks. The plan is to kidnap her and stash her in my basement to entertain me and knit and show me all sorts of neat knitting trick.

    OK…that was weird, wasn’t it? Stepping away from the computer now.

    melistress’s last blog post..The View From Here

  18. Neil Gaiman!!!111!!!eleventyone

    I’m so so so jealous. He’s one of my pretend boyfriends.

  20. I absolutely hate when the stripper with the bullet holes in her thigh gets bigger tips. I mean really. That shit didn’t even heal properly.

    And Nancy is clearly correct (about life in generaly but specifically), a holiday about mayo is ridiculous. Can’t we just make it a month about a decent roast beef sandwich so we can combine the need for bread, roast beef and mayo holidays?

    Tell the people at the mall that your friend was trying to steal the wishing change and they should be more than willing to look the other way about the whole drowing incident, by the way.

    Dani’s last blog post..If you can’t say something nice, hopefully someday you’ll be able to…

  25. Any word on how that conference call came out? I really would like to know what Life has to say to Nancy W. Kappes, as she has plenty to say about it!

    Sorry about the ouchy feet. I’m thinking someone who reads Neil Gaiman should probably be able to comprehend the word degenerative (and I’m sure he’s used it a time or two, but maybe it’s too close to degenerate and that’s where the confusion is coming from).

  26. I didn’t know whu Neil Gaiman was so I went to his website and he is HOT — you know, kind of like the guy in Lord of the Rings hot. And he writes. Wow.

    Meryl’s last blog post..Oddities

  28. So I know it’s not Steve Jobs, but the guy who invented the internet and was on Dancing with the Stars totally invented the Mac…you could throw yours at him. Or at least make him show you how to use it.

  30. Neil Gaimen. Very cool. If you remember, remind Guy that he promised me a shirt. I know I live in Canada and all and the US postal system seems to have issues with us, but he promised it to me a LONG time ago. Thanks!

    P.S. sorry about the hair thing. and you really wouldn’t want mine – it’s turning white at an alarming rate.

    annie’s last blog post..Biological Clocks

  31. If I thought I’d get away with it, I’d totally come out with it and finally confess that *I* am in fact Nancy A Kappes, Paralegal. I would.

    Since I won’t get away with it, I’ll instead focus this comment on the sheer genius behind the Roller Wig. Especially the mental picture I got of some ballroom in Chicago packed with women wearing Bloggess Roller Wigs – some of course wearing clown noses, holding a hairdryer in one hand and a stiff drink in the other. It’d totally be like that movie Honeymoon in Vegas with all the Elvises only way better and no one would need to jump out of a plane.

    Oh, and please have Nancy send me a Jesus Christ hat. I need one.

    Karen’s last blog post..Did you keep your receipt?

  32. I had that problem, too (the one where everyone thinks I’m talking about Neil Diamond, who is also awesome, but who is mostly just the lion, even though I’m actually talking about Neil Gaiman who doesn’t look weird at all but would totally do if he wasn’t married even though I am, my husband would understand). Until I learned that it’s not “kneel guy-mun” but “kneel gay-m’n”. If that helps.

  33. I follow you and Mr. Gaiman on Twitter … I just thought, when he mentioned you, of course you must be friends. That’s logical, all the people I follow on Twitter know each other through me. Makes sense. I’m the center of the universe (or so it seems when I have 2 Excedrin and 2 Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Peppers and a Cherry Coke Zero before 10 am).

    Mrs. B. Roth’s last blog post..Sometimes You Might Get Trapped in a Laundry Basket By Your Crazy Mother

  34. You need to hook up with Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal (if she exists, which I still doubt) if only to score some of whatever the fuck she is on. Because if those chemo drugs aren’t making you feel better then maybe Kappes can whip something out of her pill case. I would almost bet money that she has some oxycontin, or morphine patches that she cuts open and sucks on like Otter Pops.

    blissfully caffeinated’s last blog post..This is why I hate hamsters. Well, this and the whole Richard Gere thing.

  40. But you’d do Neil Diamond, too, wouldn’t ya?

    If you need someone to shoot you up with meth (uh, methotrexate), ring me. Since they took Thing 1 off it a few months back, I’ve got all these needles, syringes and alcohol wipes but no one to puke on me.

    always home and uncool’s last blog post..How Dorothy Parker Got Started

  42. damn, I’m all tingly in my No-No-Spot. I actually read the blog of someone who got tweeted by Neil Gaiman.

    When you see Guy ask him if he’s hiring for any jobs that will make me (us – I got no problems with kick-backs) a bajillion effin dollars.

    Kthanx

  43. When you’re doing the overnight internet thingy on the aircraft carrier, show them your three breasts and I’ll bet you’ll be famous after that!

  44. yeah, i don’t know who Neil Gaiman is but i did an image search of him on yahoo and i got a picture of a caiman. it was great. and i’m pretty sure that wasn’t him.

  45. One of the funniest things about Nancy W Kappes, Paralegal is that she still signs her emails that way. You’d think since her salutation to you is “Holy Fucking Balls Jenneee (or how ever many e’s and n’s were in there). she’d sign it: Love, Badass, motherfucking Nancy. Or maybe Fuck, dude I’m out. – Nance.

    Unless that’s just an auto signature that you’re including …um …then nevermind.

    WM’s last blog post..With a little bit of salt, this foot might taste a right bit of good

  46. That Neil Gaiman /Neil Diamond mix up happens to me all the time. I’ll be telling someone (usually in my husband’s family) about this amazing book that they should all read and they just stare at me funny and say, “Neil Diamond wrote a book? About a bunch of gods in America? That’s weird.” And then I sigh and have to start over because they stopped listening after I said the title and Neil Diamond. So I tell them that his name is Gaiman, and they just look at me as if I made that name up and then I quit.

    Angela’s last blog post..The Big Bad Fall

  48. My favorite part about those letters is that she signs her name and then, “paralegal.” Like that’s going to explain it all.

    Have you seen the united state of Tara about the split pesonality mom? Because actually, I think that’s you. Nancy A Kappes Paralegal is the paralegal part of you and you write those letters yourself you just don’t know it because you’re, you know, being the paralegal.

    Only possible explanation.

    Well Read Hostess’s last blog post..Go With the Flow

  51. Ok I’m a perfectionist and I noticed that I got Nancy’s middle initial wrong in my earlier comment and it’s killing me that I can’t edit it. I can’t let it go either, no matter how much I tell myself that no one will notice? Not that this new comment actually *fixes* my mistake, because I’m really just drawing more attention to it aren’t I? Sort of like that time I pointed out to my husband that my boobs are slightly different sizes and he’d never noticed before but was like “holy shit! that’s freaky..” and points it out like all the time now.

    For the record though… you yourself got Nancy’s initial wrong (see item 2 in your post) it’s where I got the wrong initial from in the first damn place – I thought I was being all ‘journalistic’ and checking my sources. So yeah… thanks for making me look like a mismatched boob.

    Mind you I suppose you have an excuse… with the degenerative disease and everything. I suppose you have other things on your mind than to worry about A’s and W’s… What excuse do I have?

    Karen’s last blog post..Did you keep your receipt?

  53. 1. Yay for Nancy letters!!!

    2. I AM SO FUCKING JEALOUS!!! Neil Gaiman!!!!!

    3. Please say you own Good Omens (Neil & Terry Pratchett) because that is my favorite book of all time and is probably the best book ever written and I always lose my copy of it cause I borrow it to people because I think that every single person should love it as much as I do so I have to keep re-buying it and I think I’ve bought 7 copies in the past 4 years.

    4. Sorry about the run-on… I got really excited. And I’m too lazy to fix it now.

  55. Neil Gaiman *sigh* Love him. I just finished The Graveyard Book. It was great. Stardust is one of my all time favorite books, audiobooks and movies. NG isadorable on “the making of Stardust” on the DVD extras. Love all of teh other books of his I have read, too.

    So, what did he say?

  57. I was all, “Uh huh, uh huh, HA HA HA HA HA, uh huh” as usual, until I thought, “Wait. I have NEVER GOTTEN a crazy email from The Bloggess; therefore I am not one of her idols.” And then I was all, “Sadness. Woe. Uh huh, HA HA HA HA HA OMG HAHAHA!” again.

    Swistle’s last blog post..Two. TWO! (Nearly)

  59. OK, the greater Indianapolis area now has both Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal and James B.S. “Doghouse” Riley. However screwed up Indiana might be in however many ways, they’re doing *something* right.

  60. I couldn’t figure out how to get this on “Ask the Blogess” (because I’m apparently dumber than I appear- I know, hard to believe) Anyway, I just saw the news headline, “Real Soldiers Love Their Robot Brethren” and was wondering if the soldiers weren’t confusing robots with inflatable dolls.

  62. That’s brilliant. Neil is in fact tremendously cool, and put a link to my review of Coraline on his blog.

    But…

    I have to just wonder…

    If someone mistakenly thought you said “Diamond”… you might be pronouncing his name wrong.

    🙂

    Marc Eastman’s last blog post..Glee – TV Review

  63. Wow. Neil Gaiman. I am impressed. Now I am like 60 comments(degrees) of separation from Neil Gaiman. Good Omens is my favorite book of all time and when i read Bloggess It has the same feel.

    William’s last blog post..Swing Set for Sale:

  66. Ok I had no idea who Neil Gaiman was either and clicked the link, isn’t that the dude who played the sheriff of Rottingham in Robin Hood, Men in Tights? If not than that is really unfortunate…

    Olivia’s last blog post..Looking Forward

  68. Nancy scares me a lot, and I live in California. I guess I should check out Neil Gaimen if all these people know and like him and I’ve never heard of him. Feel better with the RA and please keep writing because you are a splendiferous bright spot in my day.

  71. Neil Gaiman DMing you is almost, almost, as good as the time Wil Wheaton commented on one of your posts. Yes, I remember that, because I was so effing jealous. 😉

    catnip’s last blog post..even the downhills hurt

  73. Conner Prairie is NOT hokey if you’re a history nut and for whatever reason LOVE 1859! It is an interactive history park. I have a handmade pie plate from there. Wait. Did I just contradict myself?

    ChimaeraLaurie’s last blog post..I’m all of a Twitter

  76. I just finished Neverwhere and just before that, The Graveyard Book. I LOVE Neil Gaiman. If I didn’t already think you were awesome, the fact that Neil Gaiman DMed you would totally have put you over the edge.

    Cara’s last blog post..Tickling The Ivories

  77. Jen,
    Seriously.
    Get away from pharmaceutical medical approaches to what is essentially
    A) an energetic phenomenon &
    B) one also demanding an alteration to diet.

    Big Pharma wants your ass. Not in the good way – – – In the Inquisition way.
    Rheumatologists, for all their training, don’t know what most cases of RA are, and the fact that it often resolves regardless of intervention makes their efforts even potentially hazardous to health, since the pharmaceuticals induce side effects that can be dangerous and sometimes chronically so.
    Change your diet. NO booze. Go vegetarian for a while, avoiding the nightshade plants. Herbal teas.
    Just get the fuck away from the medical establishment that doesn’t know what’s wrong with you—-
    I am serious.
    And I had RA as I told you.
    I know what I’m talking about.
    Doctors once told me I wouldn’t be able to walk.
    And I am perfectly fine. No arthritis. No issues.
    Just get help before the synovial membranes become too roughened.
    Seek a competent nutritionist, and an acupuncturist or skilled energy worker.
    You’ll be fine again in months

  79. Listen to RDC.. RA can be beat. Do your homework on this. You’re a smart woman, and you can learn for yourself what to do. Not kidding here!
    And yeah, Neil is sooo hot…. (not kidding there, either, I just put a picture of him in my book journal)

  81. I was still stripping when I first got married. My sciatic started acting up because of the new mattress I bought as a wedding present. (Nothing says, “I love you, let’s fuck!” like a new pillow top.) After a few hours at work I would get drunk and start to feel guilty that I was a married woman dancing naked in front of a room full of strangers. To top it off, my newly acquired step-son gave me ringworm.

    So, I’m limping and wincing…mascara like a train wreck…with a suspiciously round, occasionally itchy red mark just under my right boob. There are many fetishes and varieties of kink in this world, but “Fungal Freak” aint one of ’em.

  82. I’m not at all jealous that my boyfriend Neil Gaiman DMd you and he hasn’t DMd me back after that Very Witty Comment I left him regarding the weather and why the fuck hasn’t he called me? I mean, it’s not like we haven’t spent HOURS together. It’s not one-sided at all. It’s not! Anyway, yeah. So whatever. It was probably just that he wanted to make me jealous because he didn’t like the Wintergreen mints I sent him. I mean, who the hell doesn’t love wintergreen mints?

    cenobyte’s last blog post..Please, God, send them to me.

  83. ZOMG maybe Neil Gaiman is a reason to actually use my Twitter account? For then I will be a communicator and not just a consumer of the internets.

  84. Um P.S. What did he say? Was it, like, a proposition? Or a statement of awkward? Or . . . or what, exactly?

  86. I think you are so intelligent, hilarious and fantastic! Thank you for making me laugh! Also, I live in Indianapolis (where Ms. Nancy Kappes, paralegal is from) only minutes away from Connor Prairie.

    It’s a small world after all….

  87. I’m actually pretty excited for Rock City to get a shout out. Lord knows there’s enough fucking signs around here for it. If you ever come to chattanooga you should check it out. There’s an underground glow in the dark wonderland with little gnome things with soulless eyes. I’m fairly certain they randomly eat small children and pop tarts.

  88. 1. Sorry to hear about your RA, I’m pretty new to your site. I’m set to see a rheumatologist in a few weeks for issues, though RA has been ruled out. So yeah, look for my story coming to Mystery Diagnosis on TLC soon. *rollseyes*

    2. I live in Indiana, close to Connor Prairie in fact. Blah. But there are some cool people who live here. *ahemMEahem* And Nancy. I’m not too far from Indy, you need me to do some stalking by proxy?

    LizzB’s last blog post..Mom, I’m Not a Pacifist

  89. Neil Gaiman, y’all! Awesome! I’m taking Neverwhere on my next bidnez trip.

  90. I think it’s pretty awesome that she gave a shout out to Rock City, personally. Not that it really needs it, what with the smattering of signs along the way to Chattanooga.

    By the way, if you ever do come to Chattanooga you should totally check out Rock City. It’s a city with rocks in it, but really it’s actually pretty neat and has all sorts of trees and shit, and this one place called Fat Man’s Squeeze which I don’t think is very politically correct but oh well. I always wonder if a really big person wanted to try it and got stuck what they’d do?

    Anyway it’s cool until you get to the “underground fairytale place” which is like, inside a cave and it’s a bunch of glow in the dark scenes from nursery rhymes and the scenes are behind bars, and there are also these really strange, creepy gnomes placed randomly about that stare at you with their dull, soulless eyes and I swear to Christ I saw one move once. I might have been drunk though, I don’t really remember.

    Anyway, it’s fun for the whole damn family, unless your kid happens to be afraid of glow in the dark Satan gnomes.

    Natalie’s last blog post..Vampires, Vomiting, and Spreadsheets

  91. You should definitely open with the Holocats story, whatever wig you end up wearing. Your goal should be to make them very nervous about having you on board with all the weapons and whatnot.

    I can only assume that now you and Neil Gaiman are best friends, and Neil Diamond is extremely jealous. A shower of flowers and cards is sure to follow. And maybe Neil D. will even send you HIS confidence wig, as a show of devotion.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..I’ll just say I’m not home right now

  92. I would have been that person that would have gone “Oh, who?” in reference to Neil DIAMOND. Neil GAIMAN’s A FRIGGIN LIT GOD. I’m not supposed to be reading Marvel Comics at my age but i just read 1602 and loved it (spite of the haters).

    By the way, love your blog. it makes me squirt milk randomly when i read it, even from this side of the Pacific.

  93. Do you always work blue?

    Listen, there’s only so much a woman like you can bring to the navy . . . and what they want most ain’t the G-rated .
    So you’re perfect.

    I am taking bets that the next Secretary of the Navy is a be-wigged wigster with the scientific name of Bloggess Bloggalicious.
    To be on the safe side, just wait until the official appointment before taking control of the vessel ..

  94. Dear Blogess, you are very witty. Even when talking about an awful disease which I used to have. The rhuematologist told me that I would be a cripple unless I took the immune suppressing drugs like methotrexate that kill your liver etc. Luckily i did not listen to them, and took to the internet for research. This was about 4 years ago before they had the Marshall Protocol in Australia. I took antibiotics for years before they brought the other drug you need for it to Australia. Anyway, I am back in high heels after not being able to wear normal shoes for 2 years, and only being able to wear flats for another 2 years. Whilst being 90% cured, you have to do it once a year to keep the nasty mycoplasma away. Check it out at http://www.marshallprotocol.com/ there are lots of US doctors that follow Marshall now. Just be diligent in cutting out Vitamin D and wearing zinc sunscreen every day. And be ready to do it for a couple of years at least. But you can be cured.

    Tiphereth’s last blog post..Social Media Club Sydney plays nice

  97. I apparently have RA and I got it when I was 18 and I’m 23 now… it blows

  98. DId you know that Neil Gaiman is a close friend of Tori Amos. That puts you in a whole new stratosphere of awesomeness! Someone that knows Tori Amos knows who you are.

  99. So what did he say?….Neil Gaiman that is. I know it was a year ago, but I know you still have that message saved. Would he do you back?

  100. Pingback: Dear The Bloggess, | Thank You Skittles

  101. Hello ,
    have a nice day for you dear admin.Thanks for sharing your informative post. However….

    Having online legal services experts to discuss your problems is a great achievement. In this world of fast pace, it is very tough to get in touch with such experts, who will have a great knowledge about the legal field and help you to solve the problems.

    Best regards
    Angelina Jukic
    Look about: licensed paralegal

  103. I had herpes type 2, I have been taking too many drugs, but sometimes i wish i could make it go away forever, my world was gradually coming to an end but i keep hoping thing will be better than this. I saw a post in a health forum from miss woman on how she was treated from Diabetes type 2 with the use of Robinson Buckler herbs and she also wrote Robinson Buckler cure all kind of deadly diseases including Herpes, HIV, ALS, HPV, HSV1&2, MND, Epilepsy, Leukemia, Asthma, Cancer, Diabetes. At first i doubted if it was real but decided to give it a try and i contacted this herbal Doctor on email ((robinsonbucler@gmail. com)) and explain my problem to him and he told me that he is going to prepare a herbal medicine for me which he did and he sent it to me through UPS service, when i received this herbal medicine, he gave me instructions on how to use it, after taken the medicine as instructed, i went for check up and the result shows negative and i was treated of this deadly disease within a 2 week, I am now free from Herpes. You can contact him ………………………………….

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It\'s like I\'m stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

Discover more from The Bloggess

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading