Letters from Nancy

As regular readers know, Nancy W. Kappes (Paralegal) is my favorite fan in the entire history of the world and she sends me these bizarre, rambling emails that I print out and tape to my refrigerator and she won’t start a blog in spite of my prodding but she’s too awesome to keep to myself so I occasionally share a little wisdom from Nancy.  Today is one of those days.  You’re welcome:

JENNIFER ARIEL LOUISE LAWSON! GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE NOW!

Okay, I got some shit to run by you. There is this douche bag at work who is a complete tool and she follows this mommy website and this chick is all like, “Ohmygawd! Here she is with her new baby!”  Then she shows me photos of her (apparently older daughter) who is downright motherfucking scary-ass! And SHE’S looking at the baby all like “I’m going to totally eat your fucking head the first chance I get, you bitch.” *

So now I’ve been doing nothing (ha! literally!) all week except trying to figure out this “mommy blog” bollocks. All I want to know is WHO GIVES A RAT’S ASS ABOUT YOUR KID??? It’s like my Claire’s [uh-oh—child mentioned] bugger it, she’s 20, and her new motto is “NOBODY CARES!” yes, you answer all questions put to you with “NOBODY CARES” and give them fierce stink-eye when you do it. Highly effective in a work environment.  Okay. I can tell stories about my grrlz all day, but “NOBODY CARES!” However, if they were of a mind to be entertained, it’s all good.

We went thru a bad patch years ago when we had no money. I mean, really; no. fucking. money. We had to eat “Hamburger Helper” but couldn’t afford the goddamned hamburger, so we ate “Helper.” But it was worse the next night when we had mother fucking as-god-is-my-witness-where’s-that-damned-turnip “LEFTOVER HELPER.” So bite me, you sanctimonious bitches.

Another tale. We’re at the grocery using our food stamps that happened to save our lives, thankyouverymuch, when this fucking cunt behind us in her little designer track suit and her jewelry lets out this big sigh like “oh, what an inconvenience.” I get the groceries and the grrlz in the car and say, “Mommy will be right back.” Elizabeth yells out the window, “Hey, mom! Don’t kill her.” I assure them I won’t, march up to the bitches’ BMW who by this time has locked herself in the car and is shitting in her designer pants. I calmly tap on the window, which she finally rolls down a crack and I say in my sweetest voice, “My dear, I want you to go home tonight and get down on your knees and thank the good lord above you have some man to leech off. In fact, I’d suggest a blow job while you’re down there, because you could not survive one motherfucking day in my world. Hey! That felt kinda good remembering those days. Mayhaps there’s something to this shit after all.

Oh! Now I’m on a roll—I gotta call all mah bitches just to say ‘hey,’ but here’s a parting thought. Claire was about in 4th grade and was having a friend over to play. Her friend looked around and said, “Where’s your T.V.” And my sweet little girl gave a shrug and simply said, “In the Pawn Shop.’ Like, duh.

Well, what a strange and different missive from the Psychopathic Paralegal, I must say. So if you can explain how all this shit got started and—well, fuck! You hardly ever mention your daughter, so what is the deal? Colour me all kinda confused.  

* And that’s something else that bugs the piss outta me. “Oh, you’re going to have a new baby brother or sister! Isn’t that exciting?” yeah, right, mom. How about if Dad came home and said, “Oh, Honey, guess what! I’m bringing home a younger girl and you will have to share all your toys and vie for my attention, and she’ll get all in your stuff and isn’t that wonderful?! Aren’t you excited???!!  Fucking fuck that fucking shit. I actually saw my psycho neighbor kid—about 5 or 6 years old [years ago—where the fuck are you Douglas Bence?] try to actually cut off his little baby brother’s head with a pair of hedge clippers. Dude, I kid you not.

Nancy W. Kappes

Paralegal (at least for now until these women come with axes, torches and rakes. Or an explanation.)

Okay, it’s me again.  Just wanted to clarify that I do have a mommy blog, I talk about my kid probably too much, and my name is not “Jennifer Ariel Louise Lawson” but now I’m kind of considering changing it because it totally sings.  Also, Nancy W. Kappes is insane and also kind of my hero.

125 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I still don’t know if she’s real or not, but I love her.

    Tell her to come to BlogHer.

    Maria’s last blog post..Girl Talk Thursday – Wistful Thinking (Talents)

    Like

  2. Wait maybe not. There’s a lot of fucking mommy bloggers there.

    Like

  3. She’s real. And she’s thinking about coming to the People’s Party the night before Blogher. True story.

    Like

  4. Oh My! Don’t make me laugh like that…not a good thing. Just bloody awesome!

    Like

  5. “you could not survive one motherfucking day in my world” = my new mantra. I love Nancy!!!

    Like

  6. I’ve been reading this crazy lady on your site for awhile now and I agree – she rocks. I have this picture in my head of her, you know? I wonder what she really looks like? If she comes to the People’s Party – I want video. Seriously.

    JenniferG’s last blog post..Inspiration Thursday…A little Yoda, A Dash Of Immorality And Some PMS

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  7. Please tell me she lives down there in Texas with you so I can still sleep at night up here in Massachusetts, k?

    gurukarm (@karma_musings)’s last blog post..Prop 8, Gay Marriage, and Sikhs

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  8. Is it sad that I’m kind of proud that she’s from Indiana? I love that there’s a possibility I could run into her. Like every time I walk by a law office I always wonder if Nancy W. Kappes (Paralegal) and her crazy self are housed behind the glass.

    Just Shireen’s last blog post..I Don’t Know Much

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  9. You are quite the magnet for rambling lunatics, eh?

    Mike’s last blog post..If You Like Rants…

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  10. I’m not a blogger, but would totally go to BlogHer just to meet Nancy at the People’s Party. She’s one bad ass chick.

    Like

  11. I think I love Nancy. I do hope to meet her at the PP.

    Karen Sugarpants’s last blog post..Little, Part Four

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  12. She’s real? I was kind of hoping she was your Tyler Durden.

    Damn. Now I wish I was going to blogher because I have lots of little bottles of ketchup I’ve stolen from hotel trays and they’re not even opened and they would totally make that left over Helper partially edible and I would give them to Nancy.

    Because I’m nice like that.

    Miss Thystle’s last blog post..Holy Roller

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  13. 13
    Rachelteehee

    I just read all of Nancy’s letters – and I guess this all started because of a review she did for a Rage Against the Machine concert?? How random and awesome is that…no wonder she’s your favorite. I mean, Bulls on Parade, right?

    Like

  14. I needed to hear her words today … NOBODY CARES! Indeed.

    I practically trip over myself to get here to read Letters from Nancy. Thanks for sharing her crazy-ass rambles. 🙂

    Prosemonkey’s last blog post..A call to … not panic?

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  15. Whoever Nancy is, she’s saying everything I wish I could, but can’t due to professional constraints. I can see the T-shirt sales: “Nancy Kappes Paralegal Effin’ ROCKS!” Hey, this would be a great blog post and a coup for the world of paralegal journalism, if she’d deign to grant me an interview…email me, Nancy! 🙂

    Lynne J. DeVenny’s last blog post..Washington Paralegal Charged with Assault During Flight

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  16. I would so totally go to the People Party just to meet her too. I had “Helper sans Hamburger” many nights when I was a kid.

    Shawna’s last blog post..True Blood

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  17. Thank you.

    Like

  18. I need Nancy to tell off my sister-in-law, who apparently I’m fighting with because she thinks I hate babies because there’s this awesome website called “STFU, Parents” which is just a spin-off on “STFU, Marrieds” and I fanned it on Facebook and she snapped and called me hateful and told me I should stop hating babies. I don’t hate babies. Never has there ever been such a tender meat. I could pay Nancy. Not money, but like, mad props or something.

    emvandee’s last blog post..Invoking Korea: I am madly in love with all pancakes.

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  19. Nancy is going to the People’s Party? THAT is all kinds of awesome.

    OHmommy’s last blog post..An organic recipe for chaos

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  20. I am totally on board for some Nacy W. Kappes (Paralegal) T-shirts! Plus since we’re in the same state, I might run into her while wearing it and she can yell at me for not being her. And that? Would be so awesome!

    daisy’s last blog post..She will cut you She is very skilled in combat

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  21. I blog about doing stupid shit when I drink. But I have no kids. Nancy would probably love me! Or get pissed about “drinking bloggers.”

    shine’s last blog post..I went to the Denver Zoo!

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  22. Nancy is wonderful.
    And my name is not Jennifer, but it is Ariel Louise- It was supposed to be Ariel Christine, but my asshole spermdonor father threw a fucking fit because my older sister was named after my mom’s mom and so the second kid had to be named after his bitchy scary asshole mother. So Instead of Ariel Christine I’m Ariel Louise and I hated it for years except that I’m getting married in 23 days and my soon to be mother in laws middle name is Louise and she’s wonderful and I don’t have to see my scary bitchy grandma anymore (by choice, not cause she’s dead, although I guess she could actually be dead cause I haven’t seen her in 3 years) and so I can just pretend that somehow or another my mother named me after my mother in law because she’s psychic.
    So go ahead and change your name, cause that would be cool! Also? Lawson was my bitchy scary grandma’s maiden name and my great grandma was actually sweet and I’m not sure how she managed to fuck up my grandma, although I’m of the opinion people are perfectly capable of messing up their own lives.
    So maybe we are related somehow? We should drink together someday. Except you live in Texas and I live in Idaho and I’m getting married instead of going to the Peoples Party and I’m pretty sure I’m getting the better end of the deal cause I really love the guy I’m marring in 23 days 🙂
    But hey! Maybe next year?

    Ariel’s last blog post..Ian

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  23. I’d do anything to be that kind of insane.

    Cat’s last blog post..Hickory Smoked, Please

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  24. Oh my god, but I love that woman!

    Like

  25. I kinda don’t want Nancy to come out of hiding because I have this awesome fantasy of her looking like an evil Meryl Streep character, but chain-smoking cigarettes from one of those long cigarette-holder things. It would totally ruin it if she was harmless and nice.
    She should be a sitcom– love her.

    Yellow Trash Diaries’s last blog post..This Is Not Good

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  26. I LOOOOVEE Nancy Days at TheBlogess!!!! She is fucking hysterical!!!!!!! Where do I get one for my very own? Does she have a really tightly wound little sister in training looking for her very own blogspot?

    mysuestories’s last blog post..Jon & Kate Plus 8-1 + The Mountain Man?

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  27. NWK is my hero!! She is officially “one of those people I would love to sit down and drink with”.

    Like

  28. LMAO @ “In the pawn shop” duh. Bless you Nancy for making me laugh so hard I almost peed my panties.

    Cassie’s last blog post..WW: Drag Show

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  29. I feel like I’m sinning when I read your blog.

    Melissa’s last blog post..Yes, I’m Still Alive

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  30. I find that Hamburger Helper actually tastes better without the hamburger.

    Also, Nancy kind of scared me this time. It might be time to up her meds a little.

    blissfully caffeinated’s last blog post..Three words that are seared into my brain forever: Mammoth. Russian. Sunflower.

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  31. This is fantastic. Crying because I am laughing so hard, and I AM AT WORK TOO!

    Love it, and your blog.

    stephanie’s last blog post..Not Just A Pretty Plant!

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  32. Leftover helper sounds pretty bad. Reminds me of college when we were down to leftover PB&J sandwiches, except we couldn’t afford the PB and I wasn’t too keen on the J, so it basically came down to leftover bread, which sucked. But we had beer, the really filling kind, so that helped.

    Tell Nancy she rocks for me.

    HA Guy’s last blog post..First Dates, Friends With Bad Taste and Subsequent Apologies

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  33. She’s my hero.

    Like

  34. This was hilarious, as always! She seriously needs to write a blog. I don’t know how you can convince her but YOU HAVE TOO! Just use your magical bloggess ways and create a miracle. No, not like a child miracle because that’s your own business just the kind that makes Nancy obey you’re every command. Just please use it wisely.

    LB @Wait, She Said What?’s last blog post..My husband had an epiphany basically about crap and liverwurst. Seriously.

    Like

  35. “In fact, I’d suggest a blow job while you’re down there, because you could not survive one motherfucking day in my world.”
    word.

    Like

  36. “We had to eat ‘Hamburger Helper’ but couldn’t afford the goddamned hamburger, so we ate ‘Helper.'” OMG I almost peed my pants. And I can relate, because just a couple of weeks ago, I stocked up on Ramen, but ran out of water.

    The Introvert’s last blog post..what i like about texas

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  37. Whenever I get ready to read your blog I have to get a wad of kleenex or toilet paper and put it in the leaky area, snuggled right up to the curlies…I don’t need this ALL the time, mind you, just when I read your blog.

    lindasue’s last blog post..MAKE GROOVY MOTTLED PAPER tutorial

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  38. Life would be so much better if everyone had a Nancy W. Kappes. I, for one, would always be drunk.

    Yellaphant’s last blog post..Wednesday’s Song of the Week

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  39. This woman NEEDS to rule the world. ASAP. It would be like putting Mo’Nique in the White House, which would be AMAZING, and pretty much exactly what America needs.

    Michael’s last blog post..I’m much better at taking things apart

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  40. Um, I’m obsessed with Nancy. I would kill to have her come to the next neighborhood party, where I’m one of the only moms who work and everyone is tsking about the fact that my poor kids have to go to camp during the summer because I don’t have the only accceptable mom job–teacher–so I can be home all summer.

    And I agree with blissfully caffeinated–either the alcohol isn’t mixing well with her meds or they are in some other way failing!

    Maggie’s last blog post..

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  41. I can describe Nancy in just one word……….AWESOME! I so wish I was going to BlogHer. But then NOBODY CARES! LOL I’ll be saying that all day today for sure.

    uthostage’s last blog post..I am gonna need a whole lotta ????? to get through tomorrow.

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  42. The funniest shit is how her kid says, “Mom, don’t kill her!”

    Nancy needs a fuckin’ holiday or street named after her.

    Akilah Sakai’s last blog post..Don’t Bug Me

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  43. I wonder what color the sky is in her world.

    Carolyn Online’s last blog post..This is just totally inappropriate but I meant it in a good way.

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  44. Oh my gawd, I think Nancy W. Kappes works with my aunt. Because my cousin is as fugly as a person can be (unibrow + crooked teeth = fuh-uh-gly, ya’ll!)

    Andi’s last blog post..How I Got Mud In Places I Didn’t Know I Have

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  45. please never stop posting her emails.

    the two of you should do something together. a blog, a sitcom (via Yellow Trash Diaries) or rule the world (via Michael).
    it would truly be awesome!

    Like

  46. I kind of couldn’t stand her before, but now I’m afraid she might be the smartest person on the planet.

    The implication is that society should educate its women so they don’t have to leech off some man to survive. I didn’t expect this kind of profound social commentary from her, maybe she got her meds adjusted, I like this new cocktail!

    Like

  47. so the blogger that nancy was talking about is probably Dooce who is hilarious (almost as funny as the bloggess…ALMOST).

    http://www.dooce.com/

    …and heres the pic she is probably referring to:
    Meeting her little sister

    Like

  48. I love The Bloggess and Nancy. Why? Because you say the crap I think. Seriously, I’ve HAD THAT CONVERSATION before….. Maybe y’all have the other half of my brain.

    Like

  49. Why do you ruin your blog with this crap?

    Like

  50. I was rapidly scrolling through my Google reader and just skimming to catch up because there are too many things in there and when I saw Nancy W. Kappes I stopped cold and got up and got me some Oreo Cakesters and read her letter twice. She is one wacked out Mofo and you are so lucky to have her as a correspondent. Unless she drives up to your house one day. Then you should run out the back door and hide in a sewer pipe like those fugitives on Dog the Bounty Hunter always do.

    Like

  51. Somebody get this woman a blog!

    Mr Farty’s last blog post..Fathers of Invention

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  52. I’ve passed on the Nancy W. Kappes e-mail blog about the picture of her mother with “A FUCKING COIF!” many a time…

    Harna’s last blog post..Yoga With A Twist

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  53. If I had as much crazy in one freckle as Nancy W. Kappes (Paralegal), my world would be so much more colorful. I’m so glad that you don’t keep her all to yourself!

    Like

  54. “Oh! Now I’m on a roll—I gotta call all mah bitches just to say ‘hey,’ ”
    Oh to be one of Nancy’s bitches.

    Like

  55. ooh i love nancy so much i would love to cuddle in a sleeping bag with her in the wilderness just to hear her rant. as for mom blogs, my next quest is to remove them discreetly from my follow list..because really I DON”T CARE. I have my own kid and all of his shit to deal with. admittedly i do post him when he does something brilliant which is not as often as i would hope. i know this lady who posts her kids videos on facebook and our moms forum.. shit like, she walked, she said da-da, she took a dump in the potty..she thinks this kid is way ahead of the rest of them..and i am like honey get over yourself…she is not a genius, she is the same as everyone else’s kid, i can’t wait til she turns into a whore. WHO CARES, really.

    dina’s last blog post..food is the focus

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  56. Jenny Ariel Louise Lawson, I want you to know that all my new heros say F**k awful lot. You and Nancy top the list.

    I used to be a grocery store cashier. One time a chick came in with a cartload full of vodka (for which she paid cash) and regular groceries (for which she paid with food stamps). She was wearing Aignier (SP?) boots, a london fog trench coat, a (real) coach purse and was loaded down with expensive jewelry. My guess is she paid her poor, single-mom maid ten cents on the dollar for each food stamp coupon. What a b*tch. I gave her a deep sigh AND an eye roll. I mean, if you are on food stamps, at least have the decency to look like you need them.
    Sincerely,
    Never been on Food Stamps but seriously love that government cheese.

    Like

  57. At first I pictured her like Erin Brokovich. But then I wondered if she was more like Wanda Sykes. And THEN I realized that I was wondering if she is black or white. Is that racist? Or double racist, because I didn’t consider any other ethnicities?

    She’s good people.

    Like

  58. I liked the reference to Jenny’s “Tyler Durden.” I liked the idea of a Nancy Kappes tee shirt. I like the idea of Nancy W. Kappes existing as a stand-alone blog entity, but I think the combination of Jenny and Nancy, like yesterday’s meatless Helper and today’s Ramen noodles, is the best.

    I’d not pretend to speak for the rest of your regular, addicted readers, but I believe your timing is impeccable. Just yesterday, I was thinking, “Ain’t it about time for a Nancy Kappes post?”

    Blessings, Jenny…on you and Nancy. And thanks for always making our day (I AM speaking for all your readers, now). Don’t change a thing.

    jeff’s last blog post..Countdown to whupass…

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  59. I was wondering what kinda psycho stalker fan knew your middle name(s)! But if she just made ’em up, that’s koo. I think I’ll call you Jennifer Spanks Lawson. Because then it sounds like a headline. A dirty, dirty headline.

    Miss Rosa’s last blog post..14-Year-Old Me Would Be Rolling In Her Grave …

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  60. Love me some Nancy!

    I’ll look for her in the restroom at the PP.

    amo’s last blog post..I couldn’t love you more than this.

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  61. Nancy sounds like one fun broad.

    the mama bird diaries’s last blog post..you and bradley cooper made me feel better

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  62. I changed my mind about hiding from Nancy W. Kappes. That would be very bad and foolish. First because she totally rocks and second because if you did and it pissed her off your body might never be found. And your loyal readers would never know if that spider they squashed was you trying to get a message to Victor.

    Like

  63. I couldn’t decide between commenting NOBODY CARES (cause seriously, NOBODY DOES FUCKING CARE) or that Nancy is straight up my hero too, so you get both. It’s like a present. You’re welcome.

    Like

  64. What’s scaring me is that on some level I can total relate to Nancy W. Kappes. Well it’s scary and it’s awesome.

    WM’s last blog post..Not a real blog post but worthy (like contest giveaway worthy) info just the same

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  65. At first I read that all, “We ate turnips with Hamburger Helper” and then I read what it actually said and I felt guilty for not being more sympathetic.

    And psycho neighbor kid had BALLS- I stopped at cutting all the heads of my sister’s Barbies. WHO’S PRETTIER NOW, BIATCH?!?

    LiLu’s last blog post..TMI Thursday: WAR PAINT.

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  66. OMG! thats gotta be the most fucking hillarious thing i’ve ever read!!! LOVES IT!

    Cyn D Alvarado’s last blog post..F*CK THE FUNK

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  67. The only crazy emails I get are from my mom and they are just to warn me about all the penises out to get me in the world. That’s not her made-up nickname for men, she means actual free-standing penises. According to my mom they roam the land looking to assault unsuspecting women.

    Lemish’s last blog post..And if they continue to displease me I shall throw dirt in their tank for 40 days and 40 nights. I smite thee, Sea Monkey sinners!

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  68. I think Jenny is Nancy, its your slightly more twisted alter ego.

    One Love.

    Eddie’s last blog post..A Hero’s Gift

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  69. Nancy-One day I want to be as cool as you!!! I bow to your eternal rightness.

    Like

  70. Should this person come to the people’s party, please make sure she does a vlog. I won’t be at blogher, and I hate that of all people to miss, I will be missing the crazy ass paralegal. Also, you didn’t seem like a person that would keep ownership of the middle name Ariel under wraps.

    Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy’s last blog post..My Baby Daddy

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  71. You can find Nancy on google. Creepy.

    Like

  72. Seriously? I want her to move in with me. Because I love being doubled-over and barely breathing because I’m laughing so hard that my Kegel muscle is all “What the fuck?” and there’s pee everywhere.

    Dude.

    Coal Miner’s Granddaughter’s last blog post..What? What Did You Say?

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  73. This could so be my friend Tina except that she isn’t a paralegal and she doesn’t have kids other than that totally the same person then again NOBODY CARES!

    Like

  74. sorry but Dooce is nowhere near as funny as blogess. And her pimping her kids put is not that cool

    Like

  75. Nancy seems ideal candidate to be spokeperson for one of the reformed financial institutions as they try to salvage and restore major reputation damage.

    I’m not saying she’d re-establish credibility or consumer confidence for them—–I’m saying she’s the type of spokesperson they ought to have:
    “You think we’re underwriting this SHIT, people!!!!?!!? Get a fucking life, bitches—-you ain’t rich, this money ain’t for you, and you KNOW it!! You give us your cash, and we’ll figure out some way to fuck it up.
    We’ll say one thing and do somethin’ else completely. Bet your a$$ on it !!!!”

    God, I wish.

    Like

  76. 76
    SpaceCasie

    FUCK!! I want to go to BlogHer now, I need to meet this chick in person. Any chance the People’s Party wants to change the venue to somewhere on the island of Guam?

    Like

  77. “fucking fuck that fucking shit” is the best thing I’ve read all day. I can’t stop saying it now!! This is awesome.

    Kelly’s last blog post..If you think it’s about you, it is.

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  78. That is my first time reading anything from Nancy, she is awesome and thanks for not keeping her to yourself.

    Mik’s last blog post..Wedding cake

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  79. 79
    Twisted_Colour

    Ariel is a boys name.

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  80. It’s almost midnite, and Nancy hasn’t emailed me yet. Ratz. I can’t sleep thinkin’ about what a great bleepin’ Paralegal Profile she’d give and wonderin’ if her practice tip for paralegals would include scissors, a toilet bowel and/or Valium. Be sure and get her pic at BlogHer for the Nancy Kappes Paralegal Effin’ ROCKS T-shirt!

    Lynne J. DeVenny’s last blog post..Robert Half Legal’s New White Paper: Law Offices Face New Challenges

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  81. She is like sarcasm, wrapped in hate, covered in bitchy. I crave her.

    Like

  82. Holy balls. She never fails to amaze me. If she ever DOES Start her own blog, it would rocket up there in that category of “blogs that you read but never really understand but can’t look away from because the blood! The broken bones! The bits of SUV scattered across the highway!!”

    tracey’s last blog post..I Am.

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  83. I swear to God that my only remaining motivation to finish law school, is the tiny thought that one day I can afford to hire Nancy as my very own Paralegal. I adore every single word from her….

    Courtney at Blogging Matilda’s last blog post..Insomnia can cause extreme sleeplessness…

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  84. I love the way she assumes 4 year olds say things like “Fucking fuck that fucking shit”. Oh yeah.

    blueskies2day’s last blog post..“It’ll be you soon”

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  85. Jenny,
    Thanks so much for sharing Nancy’s insights with us once again. She sounds like an extremely brilliant woman!
    I linked to it from my blog and I really hope all three of my readers come over here and check it out.
    Love,
    Bic

    bic’s last blog post..News From The Bloggess

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  86. Am I the only one worried that Nancy W. Kappes is Tyler Durden?

    Like

  87. What are the odds that there is another mommyblogger with a girl newborn and a significantly older daughter right now?

    abdpbt’s last blog post..Bane

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  88. I can think of three in the last month. Four if you include my sister. Except she doesn’t have a public blog so it’s probably not her. Probably.

    Like

  89. Chick is off her nut. I like that about her.

    Kyla’s last blog post..A bit of everything.

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  90. Awesome! Thanks for sharing Jenny!

    And PS, fans of The Bloggess who happen to read my little posting here, check out the link on my blog to a Best Humour Blog contest that someone nominated The Bloggess for… and VOTE FOR HER!

    Natalie’s last blog post..All Hail The Bloggess!

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  91. I love her because she makes up long fake middle names just like I do! From now on, when I look at the moon I will wonder if Nancy is looking at it too.

    LizzB’s last blog post..Farewell to Fat Friday! Week 1

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  92. I love this woman, Nancy W. Kappes (paralegal). I want to be her friend. I want her to send me emails. How do I work that out? Actually, I’d probably just be that woman cringing inside her car being given a talking to about dissing food stamps. Though I’d never be caught dead in a designer tracksuit.

    Jennifer Ariel Louise Lawson is clearly a 14 year old girl who was actually named Jennifer Louise Lawson by her parents, but has taken Ariel as her confirmation name because she is her favorite Disney princess.

    Gretchen’s last blog post..Guffman

    Like

  93. New favorite thing (I re-read)… Is Nancy W. Kappes british? Because she TOTALLY put a “u” in color. Which just is awesome given that it’s the same email as the phrase “mah bitches”… 🙂

    Like

  94. oh thank you. I needed that. Everything is sideways in the way that only a fucked up endocrine tumor can make things. If I could be that crazy and that together at the same time … well… most of my problems would probably be solved!

    Like

  95. Originally I clicked the link on Mike T’s twitter post regarding your page. Being my typical self I skimmed one in every three sentences and made a snap judgment thinking that your entire blog consisted of complete tirades about consuming children’s heads. I would like to formally reverse my conclusion because in fact your blog is very entertaining and contrary to prior belief, contains very little about eating kids.
    In addition, I saw the post about the surprise box of Star Wars books and laughed my ass off because I read those too ! (not the bounty hunter ones, the young jedi ones)
    Anyway, you’ve been entered into my google reader now.
    And thanks for comments on my blog !
    They caused me to come back to yours and realize the mistake I made !

    John Z’s last blog post..Garage Top

    Like

  96. “Fucking fuck that fucking shit!” Nancy now has a new fan – it’s official. She better write that fucking blog right fucking now. God, that felt good. Love your blog too, Bloggess. Rarely miss a day and it’s always right on the money.

    Scribe’s last blog post..Trading my stapler for an uzi

    Like

  97. Holy F! (inside my head): Nancy’s a 5′ nuthin’, dark hair, chain smokin’, ebayin’ sum’ betch. She could be my disgruntled ex-best friends divorcee mother or just pure undercover Jenny. Either way, she’s all I live for. And being all the way up here in MA means I wont get the chance to meet her- But what I wouldn’t give for the chance! Bitchin’!

    Like

  98. Nancy W. Kappes is a fucking gem of a woman. Bollocks is a particularly English word but as a Brit I don’t have a fucking clue what a ‘Hamburger Helper’ is. This was my first visit to this site. Nancy has made an everlasting impression on me .

    Troutie’s last blog post..Lazy Cow

    Like

  99. 99
    Doris B. Day

    remember the time you realized you really were probably too drunk to be out alone, especially in that part of new york and you sort of prayed a little or a lot that you would make it home and behind a safely locked door and how you knew you would never get THAT drunk and find yourself alone again? Or when you went out with that guy you didn’t know and went home with him and then left after seeing his place because…well, your cat was sick and you don’t want him to ralph all over the fauxpersian rug your Aunt Enid left you, but it was really because your gut was telling you you were either going to end up being filmed for porn or hacked up into pieces or both. remember? remember pushing those envelopes? crossing those lines and living through it. reading your blog feels like that. Like I am falling down the rabbit hole.

    Like

  100. OMG!!!! YOU TWO SHOULD HONESTLY TAKE OVER THE VIEW!!!! I CRACK UP EVERYTIME YOU POST SOMETHING FROM HER

    Like

  101. Screw it. I can not compete with N.W.K. for your love and attention. All I can do is offer you a Fuddruckers receipt with “Wolverenes” scrawled on it.

    Like

  102. And? Why didn’t this thing show MY last blog post? It’s because I’m unable to compete, isn’t it?

    tammigirl’s last blog post..This One’s for You, Bloggess

    Like

  103. Nancy showed such restraint. I figured she would at least key the bitch’s car.

    Vikki’s last blog post..A Bee

    Like

  104. Nancy, my curiosity is plain gonna kill me, which is a fine attribute for a paralegal and future National Enquirer reporter.

    Lynne J. DeVenny’s last blog post..Nancy W. Kappes (Paralegal) T-shirts

    Like

  105. Okay, so Nancy W. Kappes (Paralegal) needs to see this:

    if only because it took me 45 minutes to find it and that would be the polite thing to do, but also because it perfectly represents those “Aren’t you excited to have a new brother/sister?” moments we’ve all been guilty of. Unless, of course, you’re parent to only one child and not planning on having another.

    alison @ cluck and tweet’s last blog post..How Can I Top This? Dying, Affairs, Divorce, Father’s Day. All Wrapped Up in One.

    Like

  106. Thank you for making me laugh so hard at 7:15 in the morning! LOVE your blog!

    Melissa’s last blog post..My Sister’s Keeper.

    Like

  107. I love Nancy! She’s totally inspired me to get in touch with my real feelings and never hold anything back. And go buy a box of Turnip Helper. Thanks so much for sharing — reading this was so worth staying home from church for.

    Cathy’s last blog post..Craft Shows

    Like

  108. I can’t decide whether I love Nancy or whether I’d actually be scared shitless of her if I ever bumped into her in real life. I’m afraid she’s the kind of person that would cut your head off if you like took too long sorting through your coupons on line at the grocery store. But she’d do it in a funny way so that no one else on line felt bad for you and just gave each other the “I know, right?” eyes in your general direction.

    Diana V’s last blog post..6 Online Dating Profile Red Flags

    Like

  109. She so needs to start a blog. She would have a fanbase like nobody’s biz if she does! Go Nancy!

    Manic Mommy’s last blog post..FRee BooKS: THe DiVoRCe PaRTY, THe oPPoSiTe oF LoVe, aND MoRe!

    Like

  110. Thank God someone said what’s in my head – only not in that awesome Fucky Fuckerson kind of way this chick did. There is one mommy blogger – the mommiest of all mommy bloggers – that I challenged to a cage match. She did not respond. I took that to mean she fears my mad cage match skillz. Which she should. Cause they’re mad and what not.

    Sher’s last blog post..The OCD Chick vs.Wild PT 2

    Like

  111. Jenny, I do not know if you actually read your comments. I think you do,
    because I think I remember you posting about how your readers leave
    the most insane comments…maybe I remember that.
    Anyway, I’m not leaving a super entertaining crazy comment, but I am watching
    Frisky Dingo Season 2 while reading your blog. And I think the two are a match
    made in hell. If you have not seen this show, you must. Since I know you so well,
    I know you will love it. My favorite episode

    http://www.adultswim.com/video/?episodeID=8a25c39214b602990114b7275b720026

    And my favorite clip

    http://www.adultswim.com/video/?episodeID=8a25c3921888baf5011889ddcabb0040

    Do it, for the kids.

    Like

  112. She really should do a blog. I need crazy people like that. Nobody messes with her I bet.

    Coco’s last blog post..MOVING DAY & ANNIVERSARY

    Like

  113. I want to tattoo Nancy’s face on one arm and “Nobody Cares” on the other.

    Dingo’s last blog post..How I Spent My Summer Vacation

    Like

  114. I totes love Ms. Kappes. I wonder how she says her name. Is it like “caps”, or is like “cap-iss”, or is it like how I like to say it in my head, “cap-ezz”. That last one’s got the drama.

    schmutzie’s last blog post..A Wedding Weekend At The Lake

    Like

  115. Pass on the message to Nancy that the proper name for it is “Hamburgerless Helper” and we love it in our house. We were made to be poor. Also, WalMart jeans fit my ass better than any other. God knew what he was doing…

    Like

  116. Nancy W. Kappes is what made me fall in love with this blog and is the exact reason I check it daily. She is my lifeforce. She is my sun. She is my imaginary best pill-popping friend from outer space. Jenny, she HAS to start a blog.
    .-= Rob´s last blog ..Justin Bieber is Going to Cause a Lesbian Uprising =-.

    Like

  117. I hate when people in the grocery aisle get annoyed at people using stamps. Or even goddamn checks. Are you that hungry that you can’t wait two more minutes to get your cheetos home?

    Good for her. I don’t get Mommy Blogs either. I mean, either you have a good blog, where sometimes you write about your children and sometimes other stuff. Or you have a crazy blog whereupon you reveal your entire life revolves only around your child, in minute detail. I have no problem with people who love their kids. But have a little perspective in your life as well. Your child is not having any favors done for them by you not being interested in anything else.
    .-= Bridget´s last blog ..Yay Questions! ( the post formerly known as "If I didn’t like you so much, I’d call this Formspring Friday. What? Right.") =-.

    Like

  118. Nancy W Kappes (paralegal). I would love to shake her hand anf here her introduce herself that day. i wonder if she has business cards with swears on them.
    .-= Homemaker Man´s last blog ..Wednesday Night Fights =-.

    Like

  119. OMG…I used to feel so bad for hating those mommy blog sites. I wanted to shake those stupid fake sugar won’t melt in my mouth and my kids are perfect and I totally don’t live in the REAL world mothers. I feel so vindicated now 😀

    Like

  120. How the hell did schmutzie comment from the past? (#114) Oh wait almost everyone is commenting from the past.

    I am so hungry I think leftover helper sounds divine right now!
    .-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..And I Ran…I Ran So Far Away…(not really) =-.

    Like

  121. There is part of me that is hugely curious what her legal advice sounds like. I can’t help thinking that perhaps she would advise that shrieking is an adequate form of mediation.

    And, honestly, I’ve used that particular technique a lot. But maybe she could help me refine it to the art form she has certainly raised it to.
    .-= Lori´s last blog ..I’m just like Van Gogh. =-.

    Like

  122. “Mommy! Don’t Kill Her!” Oh, If I had a dime for every time I’ve heard that. I’d have $0.40.
    .-= Julie´s last blog ..It’s Whoreticulture Friday! Issue 23 =-.

    Like

  123. If there is a “Send Nancy to BlogHer” fund, I’ll totally contribute.
    .-= The Queer Next Door´s last blog ..Julie is Singing to You, Buddy =-.

    Like

  124. […] remember Nancy W. Kappes (paralegal), right?  If you don’t you need to go here and catch up. Back?  Awesome. Well, she was out […]

    Like

  125. 125
    Lady Penelope

    When confronted by assholes I often ask myself “what would Nancy do?”

    Like

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