This is too long for one post but I’m too lazy to do two.

This is a really, really long post and I should probably break it into two parts but I suck so I’m going to tell you when part two is, and you can walk away and come back tomorrow if reading more than 10 paragraphs bothers you.  Except I just made this longer by adding this prelude.  Awesome.  Also, if you’ve never read me before, don’t start now because this will confuse the shit out of you.

You know what’s awesome?  When you write a bunch of posts about something but never fully explain it and so your 4th post in you kind of have to start from the beginning and answer all the questions that you should have answered the first time, except you realize it really doesn’t matter because your readers all have ADD too so they’ve forgotten what you posted before anyway.  That’s what’s awesome.

So…the whole Navy trip.  Many of you have asked how I got to go fly out and land on an aircraft carrier in the middle of the ocean and the answer is that I gave Guy Kawasaki a hand job.  Kidding.  I don’t like Asian men.  Kidding again.  Ha ha.  I just pissed off my husband, Guy Kawasaki, and also 4 percent of my blog readers in one paragraph.  So “yay” me, because this is an improvement.  Technically I’m not sure how I got invited.  All I know is that the Navy brings out people all the time to see what it’s like at sea because (according to them) “It’s your Navy because you as a taxpayer pay for it” and I’m all “Hell yeah, I do“, and then I remembered that I don’t pay taxes.  Kidding again, IRS.  Please don’t audit me.

So I was with a bunch of other bloggers who are all professional and awesome and some were ex-military and all were very smart and well-respected, and then there was me.  And I was even worse than normal because I am so terrified of water that I was on a ton of xanax the whole time I was there.  But I also had a lot of caffeine so it evened out like when you take speed and heroin together.  I assume.

We went all over that damn ship from stem to stern (even though I don’t know where the stem of the boat is because you never hear people say they’re there).  We met Charlie Brown the first day and I know I said that he was like the head of the ship but turns out that I was wrong and he’s all “I’m totally not the head dude and you’re going to get me fired”, except he said it in Naval-ese so it sounded more professional.  Also I showed him a bunch of sex toys I’d brought along and mentioned the inflatable sheep and he visibly paled.  It was adorable.  Also, I was really relieve to hear that Charlie Brown was not our Admiral, because although I absolutely adore him he does not have a name that instills trust, but then we actually got to meet the Admiral whose name is “Fozzie”.  Like the bear.  I am totally not kidding.  Also we met the Captain whose name is “Nasty”.  Like, that’s embroidered on his Captain’s chair.  Nasty.  

img_1354

Then I mentally cursed Victor for convincing me that the Navy was uptight, because Fozzie and Nasty and Charlie Brown were all kick-ass and so was everyone else on the ship except for the one enlisted guy who looked anxiously at our group when we came in like he was looking for someone famous and it turns out he thought Hannah Montana was with us and was very disappointed.  True story.  But after that I made sure to stand next to this guy because he looks exactly like Clint Eastwood, and I thought I could pretend to be in his entourage and it would be less disappointing for the military people.  On the second day on the ship I confessed to him that I was standing next to him all the time because he looked exactly like Clint Eastwood and if we got attacked he would probably be the only one who survived, and he kind of grunted just like Clint Eastwood would do and then someone else was all “Seriously, you do look EXACTLY like Clint Eastwood” and he admitted that he’s Clint’s body double and stuntman.  Also I think he’s like the Mayor of Malibu and he has a Grammy.  Or an Emmy. Something cool.  I was a little high.

img_1500

And then I said that I also planned on sticking next to Lex too because he used to be a fighter pilot himself, but admitted to him that my hopes were really pinned on Not-Clint-Eastwood because Lex just looked too nice to survive if we were attacked by Russians.  But I assured him that in my head he’d die heroically trying to save me, and I could tell that he was cool with that or that he’d just stopped listening.

Then we had a briefing with the Captain and a “shooter” whose name was “Freakshow”.  This is the part where I just nodded because everyone else was asking important questions about fuel consumption and political ideologies and I’m all “How many Cylons do you think are on this ship?”, “How many mermaids and/or UFOs have you spotted?” and “What’s the biggest secret that you’re not supposed to tell us?” but the answers were something like “What’s a Cylon?”, “None.” and “Nuclear blah blah blah” I can’t really remember because I lost interest.  BUT THEN!  Freakshow (so named because he used to work in the circus – I shit you not) took us out onto the aircraft carrier to watch jets take off just feet in front of us.  We had to wear earplugs and headphones since it was so loud so Freakshow told us to pay attention to his hand signals or we would get blown off the ship by a jet, and he said that when he got down on one knee we needed to do the same because we were ducking from the exhaust of the jet engine and that if we stood up we’d burst into flames or something.  So we went out and I. was. floored.  Honestly, it was amazing.  Even with the headphones on it was so loud it felt like it could stop your heart.  I was utterly in awe and that’s why I didn’t notice Freakshow take a knee until I felt the heat and then I quickly took a knee, except I’m naturally clumsy and the hot blast coming off the back of the jet blew me completely over and so I just sat on my ass while Freakshow laughed at me and the others looked like they were proposing to him.

This is the end of part one for people with short attention spans, or who can’t read books or who actually have work to do.

Then we met the XO (who is like the Spock of the ship, I think?) and I told him that I’d heard that our Governor recently said that Texas might consider seceding from the rest of America and I asked him if they had the accuracy to bomb just his house or did I need to just move out of Texas altogether?  He assured me that they could hit a single house with accuracy so I told him to get on that, and he kind of has to because they just said that it was *my* Navy, so if they don’t bomb our Governor it’s like peeing on the constitution.  Or something.  Then I begged Public Affairs to let me go to the brig and they were all “Uh.  That’s not really part of the tour” and I’m all “So what do I need to do to get thrown into the brig?  Because I have an inflatable sheep and I know where the captain sleeps” and they kind of looked at me, and I’m all “It makes real sheep sounds too!”  Then they said, “We’ll see what we can do” and next thing you know, I was behind bars and for the first time ever it was not for prostitution.  Kidding again.  I’m not a prostitute.  Although while I was there I totally pitched my idea for my Navy Hooker Business Proposal (Remember?  I was gonna call it “Captain Hookers”?) and all the Navy people looked a little stunned and told me that it was illegal and that “pirate law” was something that I’d apparently just made up, but I think they just said that because they realized it’s an awesome business model and wanted to do it themselves.

Then, toward midnight they took us to Vulture’s Row where we watched the jets land and take off in the darkness.  We were outside and even from the balcony the noise was extraordinary and I could feel the engines in every part of my body, almost cutting off my breathe with the sheer vibrations and power.  We all wore our earplugs and noise-canceling headphones on top of the earplugs, so we were essentially deaf as we each listened to our own pulse in our ears, watched the smokey haze settle over the tarmac and took in the smell of the jet fuel.  The blackness of the ocean stretched into a dark sky as we were forced to watch in silence while we all experienced our own unique moment, untainted by others.  And in the stillness I realized that I could fart as loudly as I wanted and no one would ever know.  And it was very freeing.

We went over ever inch of that ship, and when we finally got to bed at 1am (3am Texas time) I was exhausted.  Then a few hours later they woke us up and told us we had 20 minutes to get ready.  Then I considered calling in a bomb threat but I couldn’t find a phone and also since technically the whole ship is covered with bombs I didn’t think they’d be distracted enough by it to let us sleep in.  After more exploring we got ready to leave the ship and were told that the take-off would make us shit ourselves.  Or that it would be “dynamic”.  I think they mean the same thing.  Basically you can’t get up enough speed to take off before plunging into the ocean so they catapult the plane over the edge of the ship with a giant slingshot and then it flies off.  This is when I started taking xanax.  Then I took another one.  Then they said “dynamic” again and I went to the bathroom because I was going to pee myself with fear because honestly, I am terrified of the water.  I’ve always had a feeling that I will die drowning, and when I was in the bathroom with the other chicks I apologized to them in advance because if we ended up hitting the water it would probably be because I was onboard.  They were very understanding and supportive and assured me that we would be fine so I sucked it up and took another xanax got mentally prepared.  Then the Captain came in and opened up a certificate.  We would each get one back on land, but by chance this one was mine and he read it out loud:

tailhooker

And I sat there, kind of beaming stupidly, because I realized that “TailHooker” was even better that “Captain Hookers” but also because for the first time in a long time I was really proud of myself, for pushing past what I thought my boundaries were, and for (with a little medication) taking hold of my anxiety disorder and gaining a little more control of my life.  After the plane catapulted off (which felt a little like God grabbed you by the neck and threw you into another State) and when we finally landed I felt like I could breathe again and I suddenly realized that in facing my fears I’d loosened some constraints I didn’t even realize were holding me so tightly until they were gone.  And it was beautiful.

PS.  There isn’t a joke there.  Sometimes there just isn’t one.  I’d suggest going back and reading the fart joke again if you really need it.

Comment of the day: The real reason you could fart as loudly as you wanted is because when on board a naval ship such as yours, when you fart, it magically sounds like “Highway To The Dangerzone” by Kenny Loggins. ~HA Guy

Updated: Related unflattering video from my second day on the ship with no shower or make-up.

137 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Saved and christened a TailHooker! Poetry in motion.

    Deb on the Rocks’s last blog post..From Milk Maid to Dairy Drag King: The Celebrity Journey of Suze Orman

  2. I was laughing so hard reading this I had tears in my eyes. Now that is story-telling.
    And during the experience you faced some pretty tough fears — way to go!

    Lori Hoeck’s last blog post..Signs and traits of emotional predators

  3. Knowing first hand how debilitating anxiety disorder can be let me tell you how proud I am of you and how proud you should be of yourself. Good job! I’m glad you had a great time. You earned your new title well.

    melistress’s last blog post..Yes, Melistress…There IS a Yarn Harlot

  4. I would like some heroine, please. I’m bored with this regular old heroin. Get up my nose, Wonder Woman!

    Joey’s last blog post..Since I’ve been gone

  5. I would like some heroine, please. I’m bored with this regular old heroin. Get up my nose, Wonder Woman!

    Joey’s last blog post..Since I’ve been gone

  6. Oops double post. What can I say? It’s the drugs.

    Joey’s last blog post..Since I’ve been gone

  7. I was all “aww her writing is really beautiful she usually is not quite so poetic but I sure am enjo– oh wait then there’s a fart joke”.

    Thanks for keeping me on my toes.

  8. No, I didn’t just fart. I just got back from being on an aircraft carrier and you are smelling the awesomeness of jet fuel and turbine exhaust.

  9. I’m still not sure whether to laugh or be in awe. I think I’ll just cover my bases and do both.

    And seriously, Captain Nasty?

    Auds at Barking Mad’s last blog post..I Need a Vacation After My Mini-Holiday!

  10. Hilarious.

    Captain Hookers = way better than tail hookers though, tail hookers isn’t a pun based on a popular childrens character.

    Tom’s last blog post..Sesame / Sociology / America

  11. It sounds kinda like you were abducted by GI Joe but didn’t realize it, and then Victor paid the ransom but he’s too proud to admit it. Get Off Your High Horse and Admit it, Victor! No one likes a martyr. Except for the millions of people they inspire.

    Kurt’s last blog post..Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka > Therapy

  12. I couldn’t believe that practically no one on the ship knew anything about Battlestar Galactica, because it was just like it. You were awesome, loved that you got us all thrown into the brig.

    Charlene Li (fellow blogger @ sea)’s last blog post..Microsoft Bing’s focus on decisions is smart — but not a Google killer

  13. Captain Nasty used to be my stage name.

  14. Very proud of you! You punched your anxiety in the face!

    Lula’s last blog post..Step away from the Lula

  15. I’ve been told that your experience is much like the experience of having sex with me.

    Avitable’s last blog post..Top 10 Things Your iPhone Won’t Do

  16. i love how you are able to write eloquently what you’ve observed and end it with a fart joke. That my dear takes brilliance.

  17. I’m really surprised you didn’t spot the “blow the whole world to shitandgone” button. Very pleased. But surprised.

    ~EdT.

    EdT.’s last blog post..New York Style or Chicago Deep-Dish? The question is now somewhat of a moot point

  18. Awesome story! And I made it almost to the end (like 1 sentence left in the last paragraph) and I realized I needed to call my husband. But I finished it when I got off the phone! So glad it was a good experience for you. Also, great nickname.

    Go Jenny!

    Beth’s last blog post..lost in the woods

  19. That sounds like an awesome trip – but are the Navy people really that humorless? Oh yeah, I used to work with one. They are. Unless they’re telling the jokes – then they think they’re hilarious.

    Anyway, send me one of your “Jenny Lawson, Bloggess, Tailhooker” business cards when you get them printed out.

    I wish I had earplugs and noise cancelling headphones when I was a kid – my mom was quite flatulent. Add in a gas mask, and I would have had a much happier childhood.

    a’s last blog post..Show and Tell – Spring

  20. Wow, that sounds awesome. I am totally going to do that. (I am, of course, referring to the fact that you took 3 Xanax. I can’t wait!)

    Fuiru’s last blog post..Concert Review: Freestyle Open Mic Night at the Royal Conservatoire

  21. This is for part one, I have ADD. What were we talking about? Right. Bagels. Wait… let me go back and read it again. Actually, can we just talk about bagels? I hate the ones with raisins. Withered fruit in a bagel? That’s fucking retarded.

    MayoPie’s last blog post..I’m glad I don’t have a vagina

  22. Tailhooker has a different meaning than I would have thought. Thanks for enlightening me!

    shine’s last blog post..Closets & Basements

  23. 23
    Jim Porter

    Awesome adventure, AND awesome certificate!

  24. You forgot the disclaimer that says, “If you haven’t read me in weeks, this will confuse you.” Because I was all, “what in Sam Hell (is that a person or a place?) is she talking about?”

    And then I realized I’m pregnant (no wait, I remembered I’m pregnant, I found out months ago), and sometimes my brain misfires and things don’t make sense.

    Or maybe that only happens when I read your blog.

    Either way, I love the Sam Hell outta you.

    Dana’s last blog post..My Doodlebug

  25. Oh no! The secret is out now. The terrorists know that the Navy’s afraid of inflatable sheep.

    Steve’s last blog post..Novel Ideas

  26. Please tell me you plan on hanging your certificate in your office. No, on second thought, you should hang it in your front room so that you can show it off to anyone who visits. Like “oh that, yeah that is from when I went on board a US Navy ship with Clint Eastwood and Charlie Brown. What? You’ve never gotten to do that?”

    Summer’s last blog post..Hola! Me amos es I’m going to Mexico Bitches!

  27. As a military wife I’m in awe of your experience. My husband is in the Navy and let me say your Navy is much different from MY Navy. Yours seems like a hell of a lot more fun. I might try the inflatable sheep and sex toys the next time we visit the ship. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before! I’ll let you know how it goes.

    Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy’s last blog post..General Motors: Preventable or Inevitable?

  28. Hm. Captain Nasty is what I call my husband during our alone time. I’m kind of miffed that someone else is using his nickname so publicly.

    blissfully caffeinated’s last blog post..Stuck In A Box

  29. Found on Twitter (U do NOT suck on Twitter) but I have been waiting for the Navy tale..and WOW Not disappointed! I laughed until tears rolled down my face! Thank you! U R an amazing storyteller! Big pat on the back TailHoooker! U RoCk!!!

    GoogleJuice’s last blog post..Twitter Mosaic – This is why I Twitter

  30. I think my next Cracker & Cochise song will be called “Captain Nasty”: http://www.myspace.com/crackerandcochise

  31. Are you sure? Are you absolutely sure there isn’t a joke there? Because it sorta seems like, maybe…? Really? No joke there?

    hmm.

    Well Read Hostess’s last blog post..Boom Boom Boom

  32. this is my first time reading you (yes I read despite of your warning at the begining) and boy, you made me laugh out loud several times. your blog is going straight to The FEED sista.

    leatitia’s last blog post..25e Tour de l’île de Montreal

  33. “NAFOD”! I’m totally working that into casual conversation.

  34. I’m pretty much just jealous of this entire experience and subsequent post.

    Mommica’s last blog post..Weekend List: Things I’ve learned in six years of marriage

  35. That is some good, good stuff. Wow. I’m kind of pissed that I’m right here in San Diego and have never been told that all this navy shit is MINE. They have been hogging some awfully nice beach front property. I”m going to print out your post and bring it with me when I show up there tonight with my tent. I hate sleeping in tents though, maybe I should buy an RV. Hey, I bet the Navy has some bitchin RVs that are MINE. Oh, this is going to be awesome.

    Congratulations for not dying out there, Tailhooker. I assume you left the sheep?

    Jacquie’s last blog post..Interesting

  36. Man, you are all kinds of awesome. Here I am having trouble with leaving the house, and you’re out getting catapulted off of boats. So maybe I’ll leave the house today tomorrow, and probably horribly embarrass myself or someone else, and then I’ll think, This is all Jenny’s fault. Which would be kind of cool, if you think about it.

    Also, that certificate is made of win.

    sarawr’s last blog post..Hello time bomb, I’m ready to go off.*

  37. Tailhooking with you on the Nimitz was simply the best.

    And watching your water-anxiety-dreams-xanax-certificate story unfold was actually one of the most powerful cosmic/spiritual/goodness of the universe experiences I ever had. And you know that I do wacky things like sit with my husband’s relatives in teepees and hang out in the jungles of Peru with Shamans. You looked your anxiety in the eye and said “You ain’t taking me baby, I AM THE COMMANDER OF THIS HERE SHIP!”

    It was glorious.

    You rock.

    Love and hugs,
    -Pam

    Pamela Slim’s last blog post..Lessons on fear, focus and career from the crew of the USS Nimitz

  38. I loved the last paragraph. Well done you. Let’s go have cake for lunch to celebrate.

    Also, on an unrelated note, I want this tshirt in my size: http://tr.im/nVsY

  39. You lost me after “I don’t like Asians”.

    Hmph.

    I had a ring all picked and was gonna get on one knee and ask you to cum on my face!

    Wait… what? LOL

    The Demigod’s last blog post..Today in Ass-Whooping

  40. You are brilliant! Seriously. You are crazy, neurotic, spacey, drugged up, and seem to have a tenous grasp on reality, but it all combines beautifully to form hilarious, snort-inducing, shoot-soda-on-your-keyboard, get-in-trouble-for-not-working, laugh-out-loud, make-everyone-wonder-if-you’re-having-an-asthma-attack brilliance.

    Oh, and Ben Bailey shouted “Wolverines!” on Cash Cab last night.

    WOLVERINES!

  41. You were my hero before this, and now even more so. But, you forgot to mention if you gave the finger to that other pilot while you were flying inverted over the MIG.
    BTW, I toured a destroyer once and all I got to do was fire a basketball out of a torpedo launcher. Firing a plane off the deck is so much cooler.

    Tom’s last blog post..Cars are cheaper in Michigan. The grooviest car of all time.

  42. Hey, I don’t have – ooohhhhh…… shiny…..

    daniel’s last blog post..The Strange One

  43. The real reason you could fart as loudly as you wanted is because when on board a naval ship such as yours, when you fart, it magically sounds like “Highway To The Dangerzone” by Kenny Loggins.

    Great Story!

    HA Guy’s last blog post..I’m 25 And Pills Make Me Gag

  44. You do realize that while he’s Captain Nasty now, since it’s the Navy at one point he was Seaman Nasty?

  45. I read every single word. And I remembered all the names and references you were making from past posts. Does that make me your stalker? I think you should seriously consider changing the name from The Bloggess to The TailHooker. Awesome. Pure awesome.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Tuesday Trivia: Fruit

  46. I heart you so hard right now.

  47. 47
    *star.mama*

    Good for you, Jenny! You take your life by the balls and squeeze all the fun out of ‘em you can. Wait that didn’t come out right. Hmmm, maybe I should stop now…

    Congratulations on facing that situation head on!

  48. 48
    *star.mama*

    Plus, that fart joke totally rocks!

  49. Holy crap this is long. I totally have work to do, but I’m going back up there to keep reading anyway.

    Jennie’s last blog post..Air Guitar

  50. Awesomely long post — well worth the read.

    Marion’s last blog post..Week 1 060709

  51. Yay for you. That’s really all I can think of to say, as my heart (and my Xanax) is in my throat right now just thinking about being catapulted off a ship. I would seriously shit myself over and over again, I think. But you, YOU! You are a Tailhooker. And for that I salute you.

    Elizabeth’s last blog post..It’s MINE.

  52. Ok, I read the 2nd half. My husband and I need to boost our sex life. I am totally stealing “Captain Nasty” and “TailHooker” for some kind of bedroom role play. You are so the bomb. That was an awesome post.

    Jennie’s last blog post..Air Guitar

  53. Fozzie, Nasty, and Charlie Brown kind of sound like an awesome children’s rap group.

    emvandee’s last blog post..Fish wrapped in grape leaves: Better than fish not wrapped in grape leaves. (Fact.)

  54. Gah!! You Effin Rock Girl!! I’m totally diggin you were able to down all that Xanax and still stand!! Impressive.
    No really, thats some cool shit and I’m totally jealous of you. My kids in the Navy and she’s aircrew. She gets to do that shit all the time and I’m jealous of her too. lol.

    Hooyah Jenny!

    peedee’s last blog post..It Figures

  55. Congrats on the breakthrough!

    But seriously, the fart thing? That’s completely awesome. It’s like when you’re in space or something. “When you’re in space, no one can hear you fart”. Wasn’t that the tag line for an alien movie?

    CLD’s last blog post..Men will be Boys

  56. Boy do you know how to tell a story. I LOVED it! It’s like I was there with you. Excellent!

    castocreations’s last blog post..Someday When I Grow Up…

  57. I’m so very, very proud of you.

    Art’s last blog post..Bits and Bobs

  58. WTF? I say I’m proud of you and I get “Your comment is awaiting moderation”? Dude, how fucked up is that?

    Art’s last blog post..Bits and Bobs

  59. Best. Story. Ever! Ok, maybe not as good as the Difference Between Midgets and Dwarves or the Thanks for the Zombies Jesus..but pretty effing good. So how long do I have to wait for the explanation of how your Father-in-law killed a whole family of cats? I’m still dying to know. This must be some sort of blank spot in my ADD. Thanks.

  60. If I had been you on that ship (and there’s no way I could ever be you, but if I could), I would have hung out with Freakshow the whole time. Coolest nickname of all time. And he was in the circus! Could it get more awesome than that?

    Did you ask him if he’d ever done any porn?

  61. Wow yeah, that guy really does look like Clint Eastwood :)
    xp

    Princess of the Universe’s last blog post..Wounded Soul

  62. 62
    Dirk Legume

    Great Story. And +1 on the facing your fears thing. So the next time you see someone with anxiety, you can tell them “I faced mine down and now I am a Tailhooker”. Then just walk away and let ‘em think what they want.

  63. What? No Giant squids?

    William’s last blog post..Testing the Internet

  64. 64
    steverino

    Aww… “Nasty” is just his nickname, like all the cool airedales get:

    “…Captain Michael “Nasty” Manazir assumed command of the Nimitz on 16 March 2007…”

    I was on submarines, myself: much cooler but not as flashy.

  65. it’s always a good feeling knowing you can fart. it just opens up your life to more possibilities. you never know what could happen if you are that comfortable and free.

    awesome story!

    mylittlebecky’s last blog post..i maded you a gifty

  66. Comment #44 earns my vote for Comment of the Day:

    You do realize that while he’s Captain Nasty now, since it’s the Navy at one point he was Seaman Nasty?

    Purely AWESOME!!! I love it!!!

  67. Awesome, hilarious and inspiring. Also, even if know one could hear it, someone would have smelled the fart, yes?

  68. 68
    katherine quinn

    I still have tears in my eyes after reading that!!! thanks…

  69. NAFOD would be a good name for a band. That spits fire. And catapults into the audience.

  70. 1. Holy crap that dude does look like Clint Eastwood. Like a lot a lot.

    2. Holy crap that was damn funny. From stem to stern. And I know what that means because my dad was a competitive sailor.

    3. Holy crap go watch this and learn where to put your periods in quotes.

    http://www.greeblemonkey.com/2009/06/lunch-chat-5-top-3-pet-peeves.html

    Aimee Greeblemonkey’s last blog post..Angie Stevens – Queen of This Mess

  71. awesome adventure, tailhooker!

    Katy’s last blog post..Day 30 – We have walls!

  72. If I am ever on the boat watching the planes go off – I will fart and think of you.

    You will be forever remembered.

  73. YOU ARE AWESOME. That whole post was awesome & I am completely jealous. What a fantastic experience for you. Plus a great opportunity to take a lot of xanax. Cause who doesn’t want a legitimate reason to take a lot of xanax.
    I think I’m gonna stare a little longer at the picture of the guy who looks exactly like Clint Eastwood. Delish.
    Ciao

  74. I am also terrified of water, and heights,so I am in awe that you were able to get through something like that!

    Ps. At first I really thought you had made up all of those people’s names, until I saw Nasty embroidered on the chair…then I was like OH!…then…wow…weird..haha.

  75. She’s simply…. awesome. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo… (Billy Ocean… get it!?!)

    Jill’s last blog post..A peek inside my head

  76. Wow. You’re a NAFOD exhibitionist.

    opera betty’s last blog post..La Traviata, round one

  77. I know it would ruin your schtick and all to do this in every post, but I love those little moments of no jokes from you, when I get a glimpse into your head. Facing a fear is a HUGE accomplishment, and you deserve a giant certificate (and probably also some prizes I’m not qualified to give). Congratulations!

    MommyTime’s last blog post..Perfect Fried Chicken

  78. i read the entire post (*claps abound*) because i just ADORE your writing style. thank you!

  79. Oh my word, I laughed so fricken hard, but I’m so proud of you! Way to go :)

    Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting’s last blog post..My Kelly Ripa Interview

  80. 80
    Tina@MonroeWI

    Awesome adventure brought to us by Captain Nasty’s favorite Tailhooker….also starring Not-Clint Eastwood, Charlie Brown and Freakshow. :) You rock Jenny.

  81. Do you consider the comments that do nothing but stroke your nuts in adoration as unimaginative as I do? I like the rap group one, though, but they definitely wouldn’t have to be kids to have those names. Also, I would never call out your improper punctuation. Besides, all your actual quotes had correct punctuation.

    But what I really want to know is…did Scoble cry and wet his pants like a little bitch, or what? Cuz that would be awesome.

    WazNeeni’s last blog post..It’s Just a Fucking Bird, You Stupid Morons!

  82. zzzzzzzz…*snortsnort* huh what?

    I kid, I kid. You are either braver than I, or have a stronger xanax Rx than I.

    LizzB’s last blog post..Two In One Blow

  83. I meant to read this whole post. But I got up to the Clint Eastwood part and stopped.

  84. So I see in Guy Kawasaki’s pictures you used your hoodie as a confidence wig. How very innovative.

  85. TailHooker? TAILHooker?! Best. Name. Ever. I keep imagining a guy in a bar with a shepherd’s crook swiping at chicks as they pass by.
    Oh, and the meaningful part was quite lovely as well. You have a real voice for storytelling, even when they don’t involve ninjas.

    MonsteRawr’s last blog post..How I Ruin Other People’s Meals or Don’t Dick With Hockeytown

  86. Now that was beautiful. And please face some more fears, I won’ miss the fart joke.

    You are brave. And I don’t mean the navy blend of brave.

    The fart-joke was nice, though.

    gerd’s last blog post..Links for 2009-06-09 [del.icio.us]

  87. 89
    Thunderhowl

    If he was Captain Nasty, were you Miss Lawson?

  88. I love that the certificate praises you for sustaining “less than mortal injury.”

    So if you’d died, no certificate? Bummer.

  89. I am very proud of you.

    Not the least of the reasons being that I am convinced that the ocean is filled with prehistoric sea monsters that have no problem coming up to your ship when you are in the middle of nowhere. I’m also fairly sure that the aliens have taught the prehistoric sea monsters to make witnesses sign non-disclosure agreements, so I know that you can’t confirm or deny that you saw some.

    Megan {Velveteen Mind}’s last blog post..The 3rd Annual People’s Party 2009

  90. That fart joke jumped right out at me. In all your brilliance, that still got me. Geez.

    You are one brave tailhooker. And an official one at that. Great on ya!

    Karen MEG’s last blog post..Know Your Enemy

  91. I am ROFLOL! My brother was in the Navy – I’m totally sending him this article link. LOVED it. SOOOOo funny and sooooo cool you got to do this. All I ever got to do was tour his ship while it was docked…

  92. I read every word withoutneesing a break. To they have any of this stuff on toe?

  93. omg I can’t believe that submitted. iPhone autocorrect linked from twitter is so screwy when I try to comment…. I meant I read this without needing a break -and did they happen to get any of it on tape?

    Steph

    Adventures In Babywearing’s last blog post..What Are You Wearing?

  94. Dude, you are a fearless and intrepid birdman. That’s one of the weirdest things I have ever heard. Even fro your blog.

    BTW, Capt. Nasty? HOT. (This is where I’d make the cougar growl but I can totally not pull that off, so… as you were.)

    Elisa’s last blog post..Home is where the heart is – but where’s your heart?

  95. Dude, that is awesome!

    Kyla’s last blog post..First Day/Last Day

  96. I like that the certificate commends you on landing with “less than mortal injury”. Do you still get a certificate if you splatter all over the side of the ship or do they just squeejie you off and go about their day?

  97. Well, I’m a little disappointed you forgot to bring the octopus doll and the sailor moon costume. But still, well done. And that Clint Eastwood look-alike is pretty much better than the real Clint. Also, hotter.

  98. You forgot to mention Satan was on the ship as well (look at the plane in the picture of “not Clint Eastwood”) and apperantly his name is Scott…who knew?

  99. I wanted to thank you. I’m newly pregnant (14 weeks) and just peed myself for the first time laughing.

    Also, you rock! Tailhooker is awesome and way to face your fears and not die.

  100. I may have disturbed the peace at work with my giggles and laughs. “captin hookers” gl with that!

    Mommyhood & Weddingbells’s last blog post..Just one of THOSE days

  101. Way to waste our taxpayers money. I’m in the Navy and have been hoping since you first talked about your trip that your post would actually touch on life in general for a Sailor who is deployed. Did you even talk to any Sailors? You could have informed so many people as to the daily lives of our servicemen and women, but no, you write this crap about blow up sheep and farting in Vultures Row (not nest by the way). I know you’re a “comedic” blogger, but do you realize how disrespectful your post was to all of the service members onboard the NIMITZ?

    By the way, “Nasty” is a call sign for when he is piloting, it’s not his real name. Just like Goose and Maverick in “Top Gun”.

  102. I still keep in touch with a lot of the sailors I met on board and they were all awesome and adore my stories. In fact, the official Nimitz twitter account tweeted this post. I spent time with enlisted and officers and met extraordinary people. A peril of reading just one post is that you miss all the others. There were a dozen other bloggers with me, all getting different perspectives. This is the fourth or fifth post I’ve written about this. If you want something less “disrespectful” I suggest that you check out the other bloggers posts or even one of mine that was a little more poignant: http://blogs.chron.com/goodmombadmom/2009/06/graduation.html

  103. yeah, i’m gonna have to read part 2 after lunch. not because you’re not completely captivating, but because if I sit too long without typing, people start poking their heads in my office and i have to pretend i’m reading a really important email. of course, the super quick click over to email from internet explorer totally doesn’t give me away. shut up…

    also? is not-clint eastwood single? does he need a younger woman on his arm?

    Biddy’s last blog post..Has It Already Been Two Weeks?

  104. I cannot believe that the Navy——your Navy ——wouldn’t oblige you and bomb the gubernatorial mansion in Texass!!?!???!!!?!!?

    How lame is THAT ?!?!?!??!?!?!?
    Thankfully they will come to their senses once they reflect on how right you are about things, and they will take out that successionistic bastard in Texas.

    Actually, getting rid of ALL politicians from Texas sounds like an even BETTER idea——call up your Navy friends and have them get on that lickedysplit, ‘K ?

  105. I will read eleventy-billion paragraphs, so long as you write them. Sounds like a fun experience!

    Lost Artist’s last blog post..The Worst Has Happened

  106. I have GOT to get my hands on this Xanax you speak of. Benadryl makes me too sleepy. And also makes my nose run. And I want to be a tail hooker, dammit.

    Congratulations, Jesus is very proud of you right now. That’s what my mom told me to tell you from Jesus. Also, that you’re going to hell, but 4 Xanax actually kills the “fire and brimstone” feeling, too, so you should be all set.

    See you there.

    Cat’s last blog post..The Trouble With Facebook…

  107. Bossy wants a Hooker award! Wording not important.

    BOSSY’s last blog post..Fetish Wednesday.

  108. OBVIOUSLY they’re all Cylons if they “don’t know” what Cylons are! I can’t believe you got out of there alive… #yesiama25yoscifidorkdontjudgeme

    LiLu’s last blog post..Let’s Get Our Kvetch On! Blogging Style…

  109. That was beautiful – thank you.

  110. do they give tailhooker certificates to Canadians or just Cylons ?

  111. […] little too swell, basically he’s correct on all counts.  Of course you might want to read the Bloggess account just for balance. June 12th, 2009 | Category: Uncategorized | Leave a […]

  112. “so I just sat on my ass while Freakshow laughed at me and the others looked like they were proposing to him.”

    I’m pretty sure this is the opening line to a really awesome screenplay or book. Do you mind if I at least borrow for a poem?

    Freaknasty or whatever his name was and all those names are so priceless that I would call you a damn liar if I didn’t trust you with my life completely.

  113. I don’t usually comment because you just get way too many, But I want you to know that I freakin love you …
    umm.. In a, you know totally platonic sense( because my wife reads you too) :D
    And seriously, did you make up pirate law?

  114. […] to The Bloggess for becoming a “Nimitz Tailhooker”. It’s way better than it […]

  115. So, basically this post is freakin awesome. You’re hilarious and very well written. I wasn’t bored at all…but than again I real novels on a regular basis. Anyway, I would marry clint eastwood right now (expect he’s married and I’m in a committed relationship and blah blah blah) so I would have LOVED to see his double! Sigh. And did you really bring a sheep? Really? Disturbing? Very. So, did they take any of your sex toys? But yeah, that sounds fun but I think I’d be too afraid that some enemy Aircraft would pop up thinking we were the real “s***” and try to sink us or something!! Sigh. That might be a little dramatic but…you know, I was never normal. Okay. Peace.
    Oh, and I found you on 20sb!

    Yet’s last blog post..12 Days Until Quebec!

  116. I really like how in that picture you’re the only one who knows where the camera is.

  117. What an incredible experience to be able to spend time on and tour the Nimitz! I am so jealous! Thanks for sharing.

    Ken’s last blog post..Fast Techniques To Lose Weight That Work

  118. Hmmmm…I bet Victor loves the fact you feel more free and have “loosened some constraints” of yours. Party on, Jenny! Glad you had a blast and hope you always remember it!

    Byron’s last blog post..Driving

  119. […] my friend Andy Sernovitz (who I met on the aircraft carrier a few weeks ago) mailed them too me.  Which is kind of weird.  And what’s even weirder is […]

  120. My husband’s in the navy, read this, and says he knows Freakshow. Although, I think he was a little disappointed that you only talked about the jets cause he’s an E-2 Hawkeye guy and they hardly get any recognition. Cause they’re slow. And therefore, not as cool. So if you could, next time you wind up on a carrier, give some of the Hawkeye guys hand jobs or tail hookers or whatever, I think that would make him feel lots better. Thanks!

    Jen@HappilyEverAfterLand’s last blog post..Be Thankful This Thing Doesn’t Have Smellivision

  121. Awesome! I am SO fucking jealous. A catapult take-off from an aircraft carrier, experience of a lifetime!

    I know what you mean about facing your fears: I don’t like heights (altho flying has never bothered me – go figure) so I deliberately took the glass-bottomed cable car over Singapore harbour at night, alone. Scared the crap out of me, but it was also exhilerating & it definitely helped.

    I’ll say it again: Awesome

    Drolgerg’s last blog post..The Twitter Drinking Song

  122. you needed a naughty navy uniform. Maybe then people that criticize your “respectful” blog post would’ve been too enamored with your boobies to notice.
    .-= heather´s last blog ..Buffalo Hot Wings. I mean Legs. Yep, Buffalo Hot Legs. =-.

  123. Great post! I haven’t smiled or laughed this much at a post in a very long time.
    .-= Tom Baker´s last blog ..If I Knew You Were Coming… =-.

  124. Great post. Very funny.

  125. […] to be Clint Eastwood’s stunt man and body double.  You remember him.  I met him that time I landed on that aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific ocean and accused everyone of being cylons and then ended up getting locked in the […]

  126. […] in an experience that forever changed the way I look at our service men and women. I know I write ridiculous nonsense but today I salute the brave men and women who fought, and who fight, and who gave their lives in […]

  127. 132
    Melijean

    Love this post. LOVE. IT. I am so proud of you for facing your fears and keeping your chin up. I wish I could have been there when you mentioned the inflatable sheep. It takes a hell of a lot to make a Navy shipman pale!

    I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Jenny, you SO rock. xoxoxoxo

  128. Wow.
    That’s all I can really say.

    Just… Wow.

    HNtG recently posted My Beauty Will Always be Animated… or Digital.

  129. Funny ass shit right there. I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my face from laughing so hard.

    Stacy recently posted Updates.

  130. Im currently at my states mental hospital. Working, not “visiting”. This has given me vast entertainment during my overnight shift.

  131. 136
    Lady Penelope

    ‘Kay, time to fess up – what d’ya ‘liberate’ from the ship?

    It’s been a couple of years since this post so I’m guessing you’re in the clear as far as any charges are concerned.

  132. Then, publication those businesses and even though reservation point out that moreover, you may require providers associated with loading and shifting bins. Approach ahead of when and publication this moving firm well in advance to enable you to keep on being straight forward. Obtain the no cost estimations and online quotes from those moving firm and you may find them as a result of their very own sites.
    is that u first time in china http://bbs.vista123.com/

10 trackbacks

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s