Craft time with Nancy W. Kappes

I usually don’t do Nancy W. Kappes posts so close together but the Blogher Conference is coming up and that means the People’s Party is only a few weeks away and (partially to prove that she is not my own personal Tyler Durden) Nancy W. Kappes (Paralegal) is driving to the People’s Party and I take no responsibility for whatever she tries to sell you or put in your drink.  “Get a lid” would be my advice to you.  I actually have several bizarre posts for you but right now I’m driving back to Houston from West Texas and I can’t download my pictures because I can’t find my camera cord because that would be dangerous.  So without further ado, letters from Nancy:

Okay, motherfuckers: listen up. It’s Time for Arts and Farts and Crafts with Nancy W, Kappes, Paralegal.

Today we are going to make our Roller Wigs® for the Soiree in the City of the Big Shoulders, Hog-Butcher to the Nation, Where You Freeze Your Fucking Ass Off All Year Round—Chi-ca-gooo!

WHAT YOU WILL NEED:

                Rollers (Size-Bloggess)

                Plastic cap

                Nitrous Oxide

                Needle (ha! gotcha!—not that kind)

                Strong thread

                Morphine Suppositories

                Sharpie

                Large Bottle of Grey Goose

 

DIRECTIONS:

    Go to the Dollar Store and get the rollers. Go over to the hair colour section and pretend to look at the “Frost and Tip” kits. Snatch the cap with the little holes out of it and put it in your purse. Drive home and assemble ingredients.

  First off, get a large tumbler out of the cupboard and put 4 ice cubes in it. Get out the vodka, and put the glass with ice in the sink. ?  BECAUSE YOU DON’T NEED IT, YOU ASS-HAT!  Now take about 10-12 large gulps from the bottle. Wasn’t that fun? Now, insert your morphine suppository or ten [GET BACK HERE AND WASH YOUR HANDS, MISSY!] Then take a bit hit of the nitrous oxide. Set aside twenty minutes or so for incapacitation due to hysteria because ha! you just totally put your finger in your butt! [and yes, I AM in 2ndgrade.]

Now mark the level on the vodka with a sharpie. Don’t they smell good? Take another hit of nitrous oxide and immediately bring the level on the vodka bottle down two inches. Whoa! Now we’re ready. Take the cap with the little holes out of your purse, and open the bag of Bloggess-size rollers. Take another hit off the nitrous because your hands will need to be very steady. Now, try to thread the needle. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! How many tries did it take?? So, what you’re gonna do is, thread the string thru the appropriate holes in the cap (oh fer chrissakes, use your fucking head. Just do it the way Jenny has it.) Then, push the thread thru the rollers (I am using those funky Velcro rollers, just cause I like to stick them on myself.) Okay. Take another 2 inches off the level in the vodka bottle and a hit of nitrous and continue to “sew” the rollers on the cap a la Bloggess. Now laugh your ass off and think of just how much fucking fun we/me/you (only the Bloggess knows…) are totally going to have in the middle of July. 

Good job boys and girls! Tomorrow we will learn how to make a syringe out of a needle, eyedropper and rubber band! See you next time!

Nancy W. Kappes

Paralegal

Then like 10 minutes later I got this email from Nancy: 

FUCKITY FUCK FUCK! I totally forgot to include the drawing that goes along with the instructions for the Bloggess Roller Wig®! Hold off till tomorrow if you can because it’s 4:15AND I HAVE BEEN WORKING SINCE THREE O’CLOCK! WHEW! I am beat!

I swear (no shit) I will send it tomorrow!

And, please dear God, let up on the pain and the vomiting already! Jesus Christ. Well, yeah, you too.

Nancy W. Kappes

Paralegal

Then the next day I got this email which still does not have any picture attached but is still awesome even though I don’t really understand it and I think she might be yelling at me and also I voted for Obama and now I’m worried about him taking my drugs away because I need them y’all:

Jenny, Jenny, Bo-Benny, Banana fanna fo funny..JENNY

Fuck. I forgot  how that dumb-ass song goes. So how is the pain today? Mine is INTOLERABLE!!!!! 

ALERT! ALERT! ALERT! AAAAUUUGGGGHHH! THEY WILL HAVE TO PRY MY VICODIN AND PERCOCET OUT OF MY COLD, DEAD HANDS! NO! ACTUALLY, THEY’LL HAVE TO SAW OFF MY HANDS! WHOA! WAIT! MWHAA! WHEN I SEE THEM COMING, I AM GOING TO GOBBLE THEM ALL UP.

   I mean, Christ in a rowboat here while fuck me running! If THIS is the kind of bloody, buggery bollocks this Ass-Hat President is gonna start…well…they just better make laudanum for an over the counter medication. And bring back the Opium Dens. I LIKED this guy! Why him wanna make us all pain-y and shit??

Damn. Now THAT is some sad motherfucking news. I’m more upset than Farrah Fawcett’s publicist. DO NOT be fuckin with the pharmaceuticals, bitches. I’m totally buying a safe. I refuse to be subjected to the humiliation of giving blow-jobs for opiates. Nuh-uh.

Okay. Anyway, I hope I didn’t offend any mommies out there with my rant. Sometimes I am unable to fold my napkin and things get a little fucked-up.  I knew at least not to raise a child like a veal calf. Only once did I smack my kid (just one, and just the once.) She had moved out for college, got an apartment with a friend, blah blah, yeah, friend flaked out, so she came home to live with me again. One Saturday as she was still sleeping (at 1pm) I woke her up to tell her I was going into work. She mumbled something, something, bitch and  POW! I cracked her upside her head like a mofo. We looked at each other like “Damn! I can’t believe that just happened!” Then, I said, “You know what? That felt really, really fucking good, so I suggest you get your act together and straighten the hell out!” Problem solved.

Okay, I’m almost finished. I do know that I raised my daughters well (even with no dad, support, anything) because I see what kind of mother my eldest daughter is. She makes the Virgin Mary look like Leona Helmsley.

I’m done.

Nancy W. Kappes

Paralegal

 

 

Comment of the day:  I’m out of vodka. Please ask Ms. Nancypants if tequila will work?    Fuck. This is why I hate crafts. ~ amo

52 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Whenever I read the letters from Nancy W. Kappes I feel like I just took whatever she’s taking. And I don’t even do drugs.

    Awlbiste’s last blog post..GOOD NEWS EVERYONE

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  2. The good news is, Obama himself isn’t actually trying to take the drugs away, so you don’t have to go back in time and change your vote or anything. The bad news is, people who abuse the painkillers (and iIdon’t mean, like, the minor abuse we all are kind of guilty of- like, ten Tylenol in 2 hours kind of stuff…and yes, I’ve witnessed that) are going to ruin it for the people who need them, which is very sad. And now I SO wish I was going to BlogHer. I can’t wait to hear about it.

    Jessica’s last blog post..The Day the Music Died

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  3. I’m eating this unbelievable concoction of okra, black-eyed peas, BBQ beans, and weenies that my San Antonioan wife put together without even being fully awake yet. The Buffalo Wing tater chips aren’t really needed here. What I mean to say is that you are my favorite mid-afternoon dinner read. It sure beats watching this stupid Lifetime movie where this Fred Savage guy beats his girlfriend to death, or something. No really.

    Chef Keem’s last blog post..Chef Keem’s Internet Income

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  4. I wish I was a blogger so I could attend blogher and the People’s Party. You and Nancy Kappes in the same room would/ is going to be awesome! Some one, any one attending please video tape.

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  5. She is surely the Hunter S. Thompson of paralegals.

    Like

  6. I hate it when laws are created to cater to the lower common demonenator.

    Like

  7. This makes the guy in the cell look normal… I love her!

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  8. I have learned in my short life that morphine suppositories, sharpies and hits off a nitrous oxide bottle can only lead to incredibly good times that may or may not end up having you sit next to lady in a jail cell that may or may not have those airplane size bottles of vodka on her person, somewhere.

    Just sayin.

    Kim’s last blog post..It’s my birthday!!!

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  9. she is a woman and a scholar, that Nancy

    flutter’s last blog post..Dreamless

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  10. Good, harmless fun – from a distance. (Thanks for keeping life interesting!)

    Mary Ellen’s last blog post..Fireworks on the Stone Arch Bridge

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  11. God. I’m SO glad Nancy reminded me that I must create a Bloggess-style headpiece for the People’s Party. Can you imagine how EMBARRASSED I’d be if I walked in an was the ONLY PERSON without a head full of rollers?

    Whew.

    And I didn’t know there were such a thing as morphine suppositories. Good information for all mommies to have for those Target-toy-aisle-induced temper tantrums.

    Lynn @ human, being’s last blog post..Wedding Planning: Accessories

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  12. Somehow or ‘nother I got a suppository stuck in the neck of the bottle of Grey Goose, so I think I *really* need a diagram. Some of the best ideas I ever forgot were had while under the influence of nitrous, which’ll make a gal giddy with delight about having inherited poor dental genes.

    Ennyl’s last blog post..The Paralegal Voice, a New Monthly Podcast at LegalTalkNetwork

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  13. I want Nancy W. Kappes to be my mom.

    Like

  14. I *need* to see the diagram.

    Like

  15. I hope no one is offended at the People’s Party if I walk up to them and eagerly ask, “Are you Nancy?”

    Fairly Odd Mother’s last blog post..Red, White, Blue and SUN!

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  16. I JUST LOVE her!!!

    Cyn D Alvarado’s last blog post..Reflections…

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  17. Yes, I admit the news coverage on Tylenol and prescription painkillers made me the teeniest bit paranoid. Like I should start stockpiling my daughter’s pain meds just in case because I cannot STAND to see her in pain. But we have no other Tylenol in the house besides that which is in her Rx meds so I KNOW it’s not us doing this crazy shit that is causing the government to get all uptight.

    Pop and Ice’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Lost and Found in Allegan

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  18. Okay, I am incredibly amused by Nancy, but I think I might prefer to enjoy her from a distance.

    alison @ cluck and tweet’s last blog post..Earning Freedom…to blast the heck out of each other

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  19. Oh, Nancy W. Kappes, you are so sneaky. You want everyone to wear the rollers a la Bloggess so we won’t be able to tell which one is you!! Well, you actually might be the one going around pointing fingers at everyone saying, “HAHAHAHAHAHA! I made you stick your finger up your butt!”

    Dingo’s last blog post..How I Spent My Summer Vacation

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  20. Is there really such a thing as a Morphine Suppository? Why is it suppose to make people less of a pain in the ass or something?

    Like

  21. I’m out of vodka. Please ask Ms. Nancypants if tequila will work?

    Fuck. This is why I hate crafts.

    amo’s last blog post..Last Week in Pictures

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  22. WoW. That lady is a trip.

    And instead of hiding out in the bathroom (cause she knows that shit now)….you should hide in the kitchen or coat check.

    peedee’s last blog post..Days Gone By

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  23. Reading her letters makes me feel like I need a dose of ritalin!

    LB @Wait, She Said What?’s last blog post..Road trips are just like insane asylums – they’re better when you’re drugged.

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  24. I cannot even try to comment intelligently, but please, when you see the tall chick with bad hair tailing Mrs Flinger, give her a smile, it’ll be me giving that constipated scared-shitless smile as I ponder how to introduce myself.

    amanda’s last blog post..Independence Way

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  25. they have no idea what a bunch of people in pain without their meds will do to them – stupid twats – Obama must die – wait, that’s the morphine suppository talking… can’t u guys get morphine patches? much easier than suppositories

    Sheila’s last blog post..Too Cranky To Blog…

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  26. Can I use a swim cap instead of stealing a frosting hat from the dollar store? I feel really uncomfortable about that instruction because now a bunch of poor little old ladies out there are going to buy their frosting kit and go home and open it only to find that the frosty cap is missing and they have to go all the way back and return it, and then for the rest of their lives they’re going to be all paranoid about buying frosting kits and they’re going to have to open up the box every time they buy one to make sure the cap is there. I know, I just bought a yoga ball and brought it all the way home only to find that the pump was missing so THANKS A LOT, NANCY W. KAPPES. Or should I say, Nancy W. Steals-Frosting-Kappes?

    Sawing on a Jawbone’s last blog post..When Toes Ruled the Earth It Smelled Really Bad, The Love of My Life is a Drag Queen, and Other Tales from the Unemployed

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  27. How is it that the world can give us awesome things like Nancy and yet still we haven’t solved the cure for cancer. Boggles my mind.

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  28. Dude I would totally show up at blogher, but I could not do a whole party in the bathroom. I need a xanax just to use a public bathroom, wait I think I found one in the bottom of my purse, i may need two though.

    mountainmomma18’s last blog post..The Sister-in-law Saga Part II: Like Hemingway but with more swearing……uh, well it’s just like Hemingway cause there are crazy people.

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  29. What illegal drugs is she taking because there is more going on then the legal ones that she mentioned? And where can I get some?

    Are you really from Houston? I relatively new here so i am not privy to this information. I am from Houston too and I refuse to believe that there is this level of funny in the city and i didn’t know about it.

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  30. She seriously said Asshat! That is my best friend’s husbands nickname! Totally cracks me up!

    Ginger’s last blog post..Never Take A Stroll in the Rain in Flip Flops

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  31. 31
    ctina1973

    Why are we wasting that first pour of the vodka? Nancy! I’m surprised at you!

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  32. Nancy needs a blog. Stat.

    cagey’s last blog post..Are these truths that evident?

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  33. Someone take a picture of Jenny and Nancy together just to prove they are indeed, hopefully, two seperate people.

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  34. Thank christ for Nancy because I was fixin to show up with rollers in my actual hair, and that would have been embarassing.

    Cat’s last blog post..Proud To Be An (Drunken) American

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  35. I actually feel nauseous from trying so hard to stifle my hysterical laughter. Notice: reading letters from Nancy Knappes, paralegal at work is hazardous to your health.

    Operation Pink Herring’s last blog post..Hi.

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  36. I am so jealous of everyone that is going to get to meet Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal at the People’s Party!

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..Hello from New Orleans

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  37. OMG she’s someone grandma. Wow. And heh.

    Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritas’s last blog post..Mediterranean Ravioli

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  38. Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal is a national treasure.

    Brutalism’s last blog post..No One Wants That

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  39. I am nominating Sawing on a Jawbone (#26) for comment of the day –

    “THANKS A LOT, NANCY W. KAPPES. Or should I say, Nancy W. Steals-Frosting-Kappes?”

    I love me a pun.

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  40. Wow. They’re not taking away any drugs; they’re just forcing the separation of the narcotic and acetaminophen parts of the acetaminophen+whatever ones (e.g. Vicodin) so that your liver will survive many more inches of Grey Goose.

    That is all.

    Like

  41. NWK is awesome. You are awesome. I would SO trade wild sexual favors to meet you two, but alas, my stupid husband would frown upon it. Asshole.

    Jess’s last blog post..Girlie bits are confusing.

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  42. I have morphine lollipops. No lie. They were my dad’s and he had cancer and then he died. They came in a GIGANTIC bag, like they look like they are from muthafucking Sam’s Club. I think he used 4.

    Also, I am bringing back ‘Fuck Me Running’. Thanks, Nancy. I heart you.

    ZDub’s last blog post..Weekend Review: Giving My Children Reasons To Google Emancipation Of Minors

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  43. 43
    JustCallMeMary

    A) I feel totally uncool because I don’t have a website, so now I’m thinking that I’m going to create a website just so I can say “I have a website.” B) I literally spent ALL of today reading every single Bloggess post, the Sexis column, the advice column, and *even* some of the mommyblog, even though I’m not a mommy and mommyblogs are usually outrageously sappy or talk about planting placentas and poop (http://tinacassidy.blogspot.com/2008/05/placenta-puzzle.html AND http://stfuparents.tumblr.com/) . I mean poop and planting placentas, not planting placentas and also planting poop. C) I had like a boatload (that’s a lot) of work to do today, but blew it off to read all this business, so on one hand I feel like you stole my WHOLE day from me (how dare you) but I might have been worth it because I nearly peed myself more than once. We’ll see tomorrow if it actually was worth it because I *might* be in trouble. D) Lastly, I’m not totally sure the significance of bracketing a word with *’s other than it’s meant to show emphasis, so sorry if I offended anyone.

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  44. wise words woman!

    bea’s last blog post..As if you needed proof that I am a genius.

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  45. I have pilfered AND USED with reckless abandon, the phrase Fuck Me Running. Dear Gawd, it is like rainbows with attitude coming out of my mouth.

    Bless you Nancy. Bless you.

    Janey’s last blog post..Oh, the things kids do.

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  46. There is no picture, is there? Worldly disappointments never cease.

    BOSSY’s last blog post..Ten-Word Tuesday. The Summer Game Edition.

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  47. Can Nancy direct me to the closest store to buy Morphine Suppositories and Nitrous Oxide. For some reason my local Michael’s craft store does not stock these craft items.

    Like

  48. If you don’t produce pictures of her from blogher doing weird shit, I’m going to have my crazy Aunt Rose put a hex on you. (Not that I have a crazy aunt rose, but if I did, that bitch would be hexin’.)

    Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy’s last blog post..Redhead Girl

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  49. Oh my GOOD LORD I LOVE YOU!!!
    And it may be the Vodka talking…or the other stuff…I needed that laugh.
    And the choir says “Amen”.

    Like

  50. I started working on this project and in walked my Hubster with his parents (earlier than I expected). Now the people in white coats have showed up. Thanks for nothing, Nancy!!

    Akilah Sakai’s last blog post..Out Loud Is Back

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  51. My husband has lived in fear of what would happen if you and I ever found ourselves in the same place. “You’re SURE she lives in Texas, right???” But after reading this post, he now fears for the safety of the universe as we know it. Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal… and The Bloggess… I think he’s out back digging an underground bunker. At the very least, he says Victor should get the bail money ready.

    Lori’s last blog post..The Dreaded Crosspost

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  52. Considering how awful my actual human hair is looking I think the Rollers could well be my confidence wig.

    Rainsinger’s last blog post..HairDoom since 1987

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