Nancy W. Kappes (paralegal) is real and I have witnesses

So this weekend at the Blogher conference I co-hosted the People’s Party and it was very nice because everyone there had to apologize for accusing me of making up Nancy W. Kappes (paralegal) because SHE FUCKING CAME.  This is where you should go read all the “Nancy W. Kappes is not my personal Tyler Durden” posts if you are already lost because this is about to get confusing even for me and if you don’t know the background you’re fucked and should probably just skip this and instead just read about the time I scared Blair from “Facts of Life.

So Nancy shows up at Blogher carrying a big bottle of water which was actually straight vodka and carrying pictures of her kids, grandkids, and a trucker hat she’d had made for me.

Me, Nancy, hats.

Me, Nancy, hats.

Also, she brought her “Judy Garland Trailmix” and dumped it out on the bed so I could have first pick, which was very generous and ladylike, and I didn’t actually have any of them because I’d been drinking but she made me a doggie bag and called me a bitch, but in a really nice way.

Nancy's Judy-Garland-Trailmix

This is totally for real, y'all

Then she started yelling about what tiny crap-hole hotel room me and my roomie were staying in and insisted we go to her giant suite across town but I reminded her that I was supposed to be hosting a party in a few minutes but then everything got kind of fuzzy and I can only assume she slipped me a roofie or I got a contact high from standing too close.  At one point she got lost and I was hiding in the bathroom having a serious conversation with a bunch of chicks and I can’t remember what it was about but I think it was about how someone’s pet llama had cancer or something  and then Nancy walks in and I can’t see her but I can tell it’s her because she’s all “OUT OF MAH WAY, BITCHES!” and then she sees me on the bathroom counter and waves offhandedly at me and then she kicked open the door to a stall and is all “Move, bitches!  I gotta take a piss”.  Then everyone in the bathroom got all quiet and kind of looked at each other all shocked like “What the fuck just happened?” and I’m all “By the way?  That? Is Nancy W. Kappes, y’all” and they’re all “NANCY W. KAPPES PARALEGAL?!” and I’m all “Totally” in kind of a smug, I-fucking-told-you-she-was-real sort of way and everyone got all wide-eyed like they’d just seen the ghost of Ringo Starr and then Nancy walks out of the stall and pulls out her trail-mix bottle and is all “Alright, line up, bitches! Who needs dope?” and some chick is like “Uh…you’re selling us pot?” and Nancy looks at her with aghast pity and is all “No, honey.  POT IS FOR FUCKING AMATEURS” and that’s when I wanted to put her in my pocket and take her with me everywhere.   Then I got pulled away to meet the sponsors and I told Nancy to stay there because our sponsors were pretty kid-friendly and I felt a little concerned about the people I left behind in the bathroom but then 10 minutes later they had formed like a giant Nancy-entourage and were following her everywhere and it was obvious that they were genuinely won over by her awesomeness because not enough time had passed for whatever pills she gave them to have kicked in yet.   Then I look over and see Nina from The Goodnight Show on PBS and she’s dressed in her signature pajamas and it was cool but very weird.  It was like if you threw a dinner party and suddenly you looked over and Captain Kangaroo was there.  Back when he was alive, I mean.  Not the decaying corpse of Captain Kangaroo.  That would be even more fucked up.  Then I look behind me and Nancy is assaulting our Crocs sponsor but he actually seems quite delighted about it and that’s when I was very glad that I hadn’t taken any of the pills she gave me yet because the whole thing was so surreal I would have suspected it was some sort of weird drug hallucination.

About 2am Nancy left for her hotel and I was kind of concerned that she wouldn’t make it back safely but she pulled out a card that already had her name, and the address of her hotel printed on it and pinned it to her shirt.  On the bottom of it was a phone number explicitly “for bail”.  True story.

nancy1

Then she winked at me and placed her finger on the side of her nose and it was kind of like when Santa Clause goes up the chimney in that poem except I think maybe she was gesturing that she was going to snort something in the bathroom first.  Then she left and my roommate was all “Dude.  What…the fuck…just happened?” and I’m all “I have no idea.  But I think maybe it was awesome”.  And she’s all “Yeah.  I think it actually was awesome”.  And then we passed out.  The end.

PS.  Also, I asked PBS’s Nina to sign my boobs and she refused and then scampered off like a frightened bunny.  I totally forgot that even happened until now because of all the other shit that was going on.  That’s kind of the sign of a good party.  Or a terrible one.  Probably both.

PPS.  For real, y’all.  I’m not making this up:

Phone number pixelated to protect both Nancy and those who would contact her.

Phone number pixelated to protect both Nancy and those who would contact her.

Comment of the day: Here’s my Nancy story: met her in the bathroom, exchanged some exchanges, we chatted with the housekeeper who was getting off soon. Nancy rooted for a few bills and graciously tipped the housekeeper, who then left. Seconds later, someone broke a glass in the bathroom. I had to fetch the housekeeper, who seemed more than happy to come back. I think Nancy is psychic and knew that was going to happen and pre-tipped. To ensure promptness. Nancy is the new Chuck Norris. ~ Deb on the Rocks

156 replies. read them below or add one

  1. praise beelzebub!!! ive been waiting for this. I was introduced to your blog through Nancy W. Kappes (paralegal) btw. The first round of letters you posted were passed around my job like WHOA and ive been following ever since.

    Viva la Nancy!! I love that she is actually all she says she is plus a big ole bottle of Judy Garland Trail Mix!!

    Like

  2. My favorite part? “Then she winked at me and placed her finger on the side of her nose and it was kind of like when Santa Clause goes up the chimney in that poem except I think maybe she was gesturing that she was going to snort something in the bathroom first.”

    You’re just twisting the knife of this giant missed connection, aren’t you?

    And you might want to blur out the rest of Nancy’s phone number, because you don’t want to tip off her state AHEM about such a roving supply of questionably legal pharmaceuticals.
    .-= LiteralDan´s last blog ..Classic quotes, Vol. 18 =-.

    Like

  3. Whoa. You guys kinda look alike. Well, not really, but if you told me she was your mom I’d believe it.

    Also, Nancy’s bail money phone number has the same first 5 digits as my phone number. That means she’s close. Real close. Whoa again.

    Like

  4. That Nancy W. Kappes is one smart broad. The card is flipping ingenious!
    .-= Zoe Right´s last blog ..Friends and friends of friends. =-.

    Like

  5. I think I have a contact high just from reading this post. Pot IS for fucking amateurs. I bet if you smoked some of Nancy’s hair you’d be high for years. Or dead.
    .-= jenni´s last blog ..RTT: I’m Getting my Ass Kicked Over Here =-.

    Like

  6. 6
    stalkerkaren

    dude, I can totally identify half of those pills! Too bad my “barefoot” little acquiantance refused to smuggle me along. I could have provided community service……you know, these are the uppers, these are the downers, these get rid of the headache tomorrow, these will cure your syphilis…..your loss

    Like

  7. That trail mix is in dire need of some M&Ms.

    And by M&Ms, I mean Peruvian Goofballs.
    .-= always home and uncool´s last blog ..Libraries Plot Against Our Economy =-.

    Like

  8. THIS makes me the saddest when I think about what I missed by not being at BlogHer. I don’t think I would have missed the whole: “hit me bitch and I’ll cut you” I would have to do over the swag. But this, missing out on meeting Nancy W Kappes (paralegal) makes my eyes a little misty.
    .-= Amanda ´s last blog ..….And We Have A High School Kid =-.

    Like

  9. 9
    stalkerkaren

    ps, glad nancy the paralegal really isn’t your alter-ego :o)

    Like

  10. Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal, is the fucking gold standard. The only thing that owuld have made this better would be if she was wearing the Bloggess wig….. I was really hoping for that photo op.

    I actually don’t know if NYC can handle Nancy, but I hope to God she’s there next year. With trail mix. Because she and I are going to bond like gorilla glue.
    .-= Daffodil Campbell´s last blog ..Itchy and Bitchy =-.

    Like

  11. My friend Cec (uppercase woman) posted a pic of you with her from Blogher, and once I could see again after the red fog from the jealous rage lifted, I thought, “Not only do I now have only 2 degrees of separation from The Bloggess, but I’m only 3 degrees from Nancy W. Kappes Paralegal!” And based on this description, that last one sounds like just about close enough for my own safety. I’d have to be safety rated, carry ipecac, and wear asbestos PJs or something to move up a degree there. Anyhoodle, Kevin Bacon, eat your heart out.

    Like

  12. It’s amazing – she looks EXACTLY the way I pictured her.
    .-= Malibu Niki´s last blog ..cause I’m alive, so alive now =-.

    Like

  13. just one question. are you wearing a shirt in that first pic??? 🙂

    Like

  14. I had no idea what you were missing when you told me that Nancy W. Kappes was in the bathroom at the very moment that you were talking to me — but now I feel totally lucky that I managed to find you outside the bathrooms at all. Also? I’m a little glad that you declined the trail mix, which looks a little terrifying.
    .-= MommyTime´s last blog ..The Real Question: Who Will Tie-Dye Whom? =-.

    Like

  15. Wow! I am impressed with the trail mix. Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal, I wish I had been there to meet you!

    Like

  16. “Judy Garland trailmix” That is so funny! Nancy did not disappoint. She is clearly awesome. The name tag is sheer genius.
    .-= amy2boys´s last blog ..Five Hundred =-.

    Like

  17. I love that she wrote ‘Chicago’ on her ‘cry for help’ badge. How fucked up would she have to be to make it out of the city limits??

    Like

  18. Judy Garland Trail Mix. I am stealing that right now. It’s one of those so funny because it’s true. I’m thinking that I can only name a few of the trail mix, like vicodin, darvocet, tylenol 3, and mebbe flexiril but I’m not sure 100% of the color in your pic. Chronic pain has changed my whole world view, yo. I wanna know what else I’m missing out on in that there little bottle of magic and fancy.
    .-= Sam´s last blog ..The Truth About Gay Marriage =-.

    Like

  19. I cannot believe I missed Nancy. The fucking airline industry can kiss my ass.
    .-= amo´s last blog ..So You Think You Can Dance, Dorkfish? =-.

    Like

  20. I’ll pixilate you dearie. Is that techy for rubbed out…….oopsie. I always forget you American’s use the word eraser rather than rubber : )
    Cheers
    .-= Maddy´s last blog ..How to make your own mouse =-.

    Like

  21. That is so fuckin’ cool!! I never, ever thought she was an imaginary friend. Do you know how much money you can make if you have a booth (non-kissing, naturally) where people can take a pic standing besde her?!!!!

    Did Nancy at least sign your boobs??
    .-= Akilah Sakai´s last blog ..Guffaw! =-.

    Like

  22. She is just what I imagined. Glad she came, but what I am really dying to know is- is she really gainfully employed as a paralegal? It seems like an employer may frown on being permanently, yet delightfully, pickled.

    Like

  23. I’m totally bummed that I didn’t get a Nancy W. Kappes experience.
    .-= Miss Grace´s last blog ..I wrote this on the Airplane (BlogHer09) =-.

    Like

  24. jesus christ in a sidecar. she is a force, unleashed!
    .-= flutter´s last blog ..Tick tock, tick tock, KABOOM! =-.

    Like

  25. Nina from the Imagination Movers would have signed your boob.

    For some reason I always pictured Nancy wearing something made with a Bedazzler.
    .-= William´s last blog ..Apologies =-.

    Like

  26. AWESOME.
    .-= Stephanie´s last blog ..Not-Etsy Vintage – THE Dress and DSW =-.

    Like

  27. “Pot is for fucking amateurs”

    Dude. I just snorted so hard I think I bruised a rib.

    By the way? Awesome meeting you. I would have kissed your feet but DAMN that room was packed. 🙂
    .-= Coal Miner’s Granddaughter´s last blog ..The Wall =-.

    Like

  28. So, I saw you at the Tide Cocktail party and NOW I totally wish I would have followed you around all night! This is HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Like

  29. This made my entire year. Possibly my entire life.
    .-= Maria´s last blog ..BlogHer Part Two – joy =-.

    Like

  30. I was witness to 90% of this and I’m honored and was slightly afraid but in the good amused high on xanax way. ‘Lisa’ is the one who asked Nina to sign your boob (not knowing who she was) and I found it funny that she harped on it all weekend that she asked a girl with a puppet to sign your boobs and felt that she corrupted her in a satanic way. It was actually Nina’s publicist that put the kabash on Nina and your boobs- Nina was really intriuged- if I’m being honest! Girls and puppets are kind of freaky- at least that’s what I hear.

    You were seriously a highlight and as soon as I get my lazy ass around to it, I will send you the picture of us because I think it’s a safe bet that you have no idea who I am, but it’s all good.
    .-= tena´s last blog ..First Blogher Wrap up- oh yeah, there will be more! =-.

    Like

  31. me and Carolynonline? our weekend was made at your panel.

    we sat at your feet. coincidence?

    you are so adored. piles of drugs and all.
    .-= ms picket to you´s last blog ..As Seen on TeeVee =-.

    Like

  32. Words cannot express how disappointed I am at not meeting Nancy W Kappes (paralegal) at the People’s Party! I was too busy sitting in the corner with the other Green Moms testing our purses for lead – because we know how to party.

    The vibrator in your swag bag in lead free too. Because we know you’d want to know.
    .-= Condo Blues´s last blog ..EcoSmart Organic Insect Repellent Giveaway =-.

    Like

  33. Dang. You two are so adorable together that I’m making your picture my screen saver in part ’cause Nancy W. Kappes is a paralegal rock star whose lovely face doesn’t show a trace of the physical ruination my parents said would come from drinking and drugs, and partly ’cause you look like Nancy-Grace-if-she’d-ever-had-Judy-Garland-trailmix in that wig, and I can tell that Nancy W. Kappes totally would’ve have licked the top of your head if she could’ve reached it…and partly ’cause the hats together say, “Raised by Wolverines, Jesus Christ”. Amen.
    .-= PracticalParalegalism´s last blog ..What Does the Future Hold for Ex-Offenders with Paralegal Degrees? =-.

    Like

  34. P.S. Okay, what Monkey said above, too. Other paras want to know.

    And the title of my last blog post looks sort of dopey in this context.
    .-= PracticalParalegalism´s last blog ..What Does the Future Hold for Ex-Offenders with Paralegal Degrees? =-.

    Like

  35. I’m feeling a lot of love for that Kappes woman, my god.

    I used to have a friend who used to pin a note to herself just before she passed out, and it usually said something like “give me water when I wake up” or “I know kung fu”. Nancy’s bail number would probably have been much more helpful.

    Like

  36. I’m sorta disappointed. Having one’s own personal Tyler Durden would have been an effin’ cool thing in a scary in-need-of-meds kind of way.
    .-= annie´s last blog ..Tuesday =-.

    Like

  37. Not only did I also meet Nancy myself, I got her card, and she told me that she had me “on her thingy.” I wanted to post the emails she sent me about her “thingy” that has only two sites on it–you and me–but I felt like I was plagiarizing you. Or her. Or both. Not sure. So I didn’t. But I will tell you that after telling me she had me “on her thingy,” she whipped out a water bottle from her bag and said, “I brought my own vodka.”

    Awesome.
    .-= abdpbt´s last blog ..Give a Blogger Enough Velvet Rope And She Will Hang Herself: (Very) Extensive Notes on BlogHer 2009, Social Niceties, Social Media, and Branding The New Web Order =-.

    Like

  38. Could everybody see her, or just you? Because that picture at the top, it’s just you and on the other side all I see is a flaming cowboy hat. And it’s moving.
    .-= Kathi D´s last blog ..Mom, monkey bread, and the scary can =-.

    Like

  39. Dude, I am totally fucking stealing Nancys card idea except I’m going to have a dogtag made like you get from the machines in front of Petsmart because with my luck I’d spill my drink on the ink one and then the number would be blurred and I’d be stuck in jail forever.

    Also – so PISSED at myself for not going to Blogher and meeting you AND Nancy! I may not have partook of the Judy Garland Trailmix, but I totally would have drank a shitload of martinis and then heckled that chick when she wouldn’t sign your tits.
    .-= Vanessa´s last blog ..Equal Opportunity Snarker =-.

    Like

  40. PS – I think I want to be a paralegal when I grow up now.
    .-= Vanessa´s last blog ..Equal Opportunity Snarker =-.

    Like

  41. OMG! You actuall met Nancy W. Kappes Paralegal in the FLESH!!! That has got to be the BEST story of BlogHer!
    .-= Shoegirl´s last blog ..Interesting Things This Week =-.

    Like

  42. So totally excited that I finally met you in real life! Like, you weren’t just a figment of my imagination or a dream or anything of that sort. Really bummed that I don’t have a picture for proof, because everyone should have a picture with The Bloggess.

    I’m sad that I missed out on meeting Nancy W. Kappes. I had no i dea she was even at the party until the next morning. Hell, I was a non believer, I thought she was pretend.
    .-= AmazingGreis´s last blog ..3 days… =-.

    Like

  43. Wow… just wow. Not precisely what I expected – I imagined more polyester – but she delivers. She seems like a good friend to have – she’ll pump you full of illegal substances, then file the paperwork to get you moved to a prison with less security. I’m guessing she’s the business development wing for her legal firm.
    .-= Rob Z.´s last undefined ..If you register your site for free at =-.

    Like

  44. This is like the reverse of being told santa is fake. Instead someone we thought was a voice in your head is an actual living person and it’s freaking me out. I now have to re-evaluate everything I thought about her. Weird!
    .-= LB @Wait, She Said What?´s last blog ..My birthday is on Monday and I feel old and young at the same time. =-.

    Like

  45. Too fabulous. The two of you need a sitcom…on showtime where you won’t be bleeped out. LOVE the hats.
    .-= Lesley´s last blog ..Find Your Money Honey! =-.

    Like

  46. So.. your mention of her harassing the Crocs guy caught my attention – she’s not the one described in this incident, is she? Because that would mean that Nancy W. Kappes (paralegal) has a blog that we are unaware of.

    http://consumerist.com/5324719/dont-try-to-use-your-blog-to-extort-a-pair-of-crocs

    Like

  47. this is fucking sad and disturbing that you would even encourage this type of shit… big ass bottle of fucking pills= ADDICT and death.. death is just inevitable… makes me wanna fucking puke you thought it was funny and cool and dumb ass shit like that,,, but I guess your 21 year old sister didn’t DIE from a JUDY GARLAND COCKTAIL! I am never reading your fucking ass again!
    .-= mojavi at Simple Things´s last blog ..what does age mean anyway… =-.

    Like

  48. I think I got a contact high too! I can;t remember ANY of our conversation beyond, “Do you have a lipstick? Come with me.”

    Next time I will bring a darker lipstick, and it was lovely to be ushered into your “office”.

    Let’s do it again next year. 🙂
    .-= Shash´s last blog ..BlogHer ‘09 – Coming Home Again =-.

    Like

  49. NWK is hotttt! And this was the kind of story I was looking for! I totally would have bowed down and kissed her feet. So was she the one who accosted George for the pair of crocs tha thas everyone in a hissy? Probably not, because she would have come up with something wayyyy snarkier to say. I am so glad we all got to meet her. And now, it just makes me wish I HAD been there. Damn it. Only because I really could go for a good roofie right about now. Hell I’d even give a viagra a try.
    .-= So Not Mom-a-licious´s last blog ..Important Message to all Blogher attendees! =-.

    Like

  50. Geez, I wish I had first pick at the trail mix… sounds yummy.
    .-= Cyn D Alvarado´s last blog ..Blessings =-.

    Like

  51. man, i’ll totally have EVERYTHING she’s having.

    just once i wish i’d have kicked in a door and yelled, “move out of the way bitches, i’ve got to pee!” i’ll try this at the next party i attend.
    .-= gorillabuns´s last blog .."I love him so much!" "I know you do, honey." "I love him so much!" "I know you do." =-.

    Like

  52. Here’s my Nancy story: met her in the bathroom, exchanged some exchanges, we chatted with the housekeeper who was getting off soon. Nancy rooted for a few bills and graciously tipped the housekeeper, who then left. Seconds later, someone broke a glass in the bathroom. I had to fetch the housekeeper, who seemed happy to come back. I think Nancy is psychic and knew that was going to happen and pre-tipped. To ensure promptness. Nancy is the new Chuck Norris.
    .-= Deb on the Rocks´s last blog ..BlogHer 09: Everybody Let Go, We Can Make a Dancefloor, Just Like a Circus =-.

    Like

  53. Well, Jesus Christ in a fucking row boat!
    .-= Harna´s last blog ..Dodging a Bullet =-.

    Like

  54. Holy shit! Not only is Nancy W. Kappes (Paralegal) real – she’s a goddamn force of fucking nature!

    Nancy W. Kappes (Paralegal) makes Hunter S. Thompson look like Pat Boone.

    I’m beginning to think that maybe you are a figment of Nancy W. Kappes’ (Paralegal) imagination – made manifest through the power of sarcasm and schedule 3 narcotics!

    Like

  55. So Nancy W. Kappes (Paralegal) is the Crocs blackmailer, right?
    .-= Stephanie Smirnov´s last blog ..BlogHer Round-Up: Swag is the New Black =-.

    Like

  56. I never doubted she wasn’t real, sounds like fun was had by all. I had to check after reading the “…ghost of Ringo Starr…” fuck, did he die? Phew.
    .-= Mik´s last blog ..It’s the bloody heat =-.

    Like

  57. Like when everyone else was going “Nancy W. Kappes (paralegal) isn’t real” in my head I was going “who is Nancy W. Kappes and what’s a paralegal and why does she need one?” Which is exactly the same as thinking “I’m sure she’s real” because if she wasn’t I would have been wondering if she could fly like unicorns or horse flies. But now I can see she’s not a horse fly because of your photos so thank you for clearing that up for me.
    .-= JL´s last blog ..My kids will be deformed which is okay because I’m a Holy Roman Emperor =-.

    Like

  58. NWK (paralegal) lives!!! I’m impressed. I cant wait for her follow up letter to YOU!! That should be a brain burner!

    You rock as usual. =)
    .-= peedee´s last blog ..Ashton yer hOtt =-.

    Like

  59. I’m struck by the fact that my life is INCREDIBLY boring. I don’t know someone like NWK (paralegal), and I don’t go to wild parties.

    It’s official. I’m middle aged.
    .-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..Take my diet. Please, TAKE it. =-.

    Like

  60. That had to be the highlight of the entire convention. And how thoughtful and well-planned is Nancy? She brings her own party favours and bail card. Awesome.
    .-= witchypoo´s last blog ..HoHoHo =-.

    Like

  61. My plan is always to tell the cops that I’m illegally here from Jamaica, that I don’t have bail money, and that I need to be deported. Oh yeah, and I’m a white chick from Texas….. Totally thinking I can pull this off….

    Like

  62. I absolutely LOVE the card clipped to her with her information AND the number to call for BAIL. She’s obviously been through this BEFORE….. AND that she just offers up her bottle of “stuff” to anyone it seems. Wow. Wow.
    .-= Jules´s last blog ..Out of Tune Tuesday – Katy Perry and a Ghost…. =-.

    Like

  63. I have never been so sad I didn’t go to something. I wonder if she’s still staying that suite. I could fly to chicago and hang out with her.
    .-= Maxie´s last blog ..Would You Rather Wednesday =-.

    Like

  64. Okay, this whole story was nothing short of amazing, but the capper for me was “the ghost of Ringo Starr.” That is funny on so many levels, it just made me spit my water out on keyboard!

    Glad to hear the party went well. I think you and Nancy W. Kappes (paralegal) now need to go on a Thelma & Louise-like (or more like Hunter S. Thompson-like) roadtrip across America, you know, without driving off the cliff. I’d pay to see the pics or video from that!
    .-= R in CT´s last blog ..dsp18.jpg =-.

    Like

  65. I have to admit .. I fully expected the whole meeting of Nancy W Kappes, Paralegal to manifest itself as a really strange but totally undertandable “Fight Club” scenerio .. where Jenny Lawson, Blogger Extraordinaire finally unravels the mystery and has the truth revealed to her that OH MY GOD Jenny Lawson is: Nancy W Kappes, Paralegal.
    Impressive work, ya’ll.

    Like

  66. Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal, and her Judy Garland Trail mix are my sunshine.
    .-= Brutalism´s last blog ..Workin’ Blue =-.

    Like

  67. Damn, I wish I’D have been clever enough to go to BlogHer & say that I was Nancy W. Kappes (paralegal).
    .-= kalisa´s last blog ..Tuesday: Golden Baked Pork Cutlets =-.

    Like

  68. Hells yes she was real and I’m so damn glad I walked in the bathroom when I did because she? totally made my night, bitches. And, all of those quotes of her you wrote? I was in the bathroom for, and I just want to tuck her in my pocket and bring her home with me. 3 plastic water bottles full of vodka and all.

    So nice to meet you, too Jenny! See you next year in NYC hopefully!

    Like

  69. Please, please, please get Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal to host a party next year.
    .-= Dingo´s last blog ..That’s Not In The Script =-.

    Like

  70. Dude I knew she was real all along. I figured even you couldn’t make up all that crazed awesomeness. Tell me something though, this whole time I’ve been reading about her I’ve pronounced her last name “Cap-es” when really it’s probably pronounced “Caps”. I hope not though because somehow it being “Cap-es” makes her so much cooler then if it was just plain old “Caps”
    .-= WM´s last blog ..Thanks folks, they’re here all week =-.

    Like

  71. I always believed that she was real! And I’m so happy to finally see her — but I’m really scared of Blogher now because in 5th grade I was in Just Say No, which was that club for kids who were going to “just say no” to drugs. And now that I”m so much older than 5th grade, I feel like I have to do drugs to be as cool as Nancy — and you — except your drugs are prescription, even though sometimes I can’t understand if your Xanax stories are real or not because you’re seriously so awesome and hilarious, I don’t understand how on earth YOU could have anxiety because if anything, you should make other people feel anxious when they’re around you because of your sheer awesomeness. Also, by any chance are you related to my old dance team coach from college? She’s from Dallas, and her name is Sarah, and I know that doesn’t really narrow it down, but I think her maiden name was Mallord, or Willard, or Mallard. You guys look so much alike it’s scary, and I thought that the first time I came to your site, but the more pictures you post of yourself, the more I think you look like her. She also has a ladybug tattoo on her foot. Now do you know her?
    .-= sabrina´s last blog ..“Allah” means God, and if you didn’t already know that I’m glad I just told you otherwise this post wouldn’t be funny =-.

    Like

  72. She is everything I imagined. And more. Somehow. Damn. How I wish I could have been there.
    .-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Hump Day Humor: Simon’s Cat =-.

    Like

  73. I had to go back and re-read this again today because I just can’t believe that SHE actually was there. WOW! I would have loved to have met her. I am so going to BlogHer next time.

    My totally favorite part that made me laugh and I read it to my husband but as usual he never gets my humor. Or your humor. Or Nancy W. Kappes’ humor for that matter. “About 2am Nancy left for her hotel and I was kind of concerned that she wouldn’t make it back safely but she pulled out a card that already had her name, and the address of her hotel printed on it and pinned it to her shirt. On the bottom of it was a phone number explicitly “for bail”. I laughed so loud!
    .-= Shoegirl´s last blog ..Umbilical Hernias, Fear of Pain and Death =-.

    Like

  74. Ok, I’ll admit it. I thought Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal was your Xanax-induced friend. Because seriously, no one is that awesome. Although now I know she’s real, I’m kind of inclined to put an extra lock on the door and buy a big scary dog for protection. Hell in a handbasket, y’all.
    .-= Merritt´s last blog ..It’s my blog and I’ll quote Popeye if I want to =-.

    Like

  75. Can I have Nancy’s phone number? I want to invite her to my birthday party. And then to live with me.
    .-= miss thystle´s last blog ..They Grow Up SO Fast =-.

    Like

  76. 76
    AprylsAntics

    Nancy W. Kappes is like the Ed McMahon to your Johnny. Everyone should have a sidekick with Judy Garland trail mix.

    Like

  77. what does the trail mix bottle say? also? is it bad that i recognized and named 4 of the pills immediately?

    i think i’m in love with Nancy. she could totally start a “trail mix” business with my grandmother.
    .-= Biddy´s last blog ..I survived =-.

    Like

  78. Okay, seriously. Am I the only surprised that she managed to get herself there AND have any idea at all where she was or what she was doing??

    I really think you SHOULD put her in your pocket. She’d be much safer there.
    .-= Lesley´s last blog ..The Post Where I Answer Fan Mail On Account Of I Have Tons Of Fans!! (OH, OF COURSE I DON’T) =-.

    Like

  79. So Nancy W. Kappes (paralegal) was being sponsored by Merck?

    Like

  80. I think I read the “Judy Garland TrailMix” on Twitter. And I am all HUH? I didn’t get it. Now I do. I get it. I really do. Sounds like such a good time. So much fun.
    .-= Coco´s last blog ..IN LIMBO =-.

    Like

  81. That is NOT how I pictured Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal to look like. In fact, she looks like the complete opposite of what I imagined. Wow. From the crazy ass emails she writes, I thought she’d look crazy ass scary.
    .-= s.i.´s last blog ..Relapse =-.

    Like

  82. I still can’t believe that I was there for all of that awesomeness. I can’t believe that I actually found the tweet (http://twitter.com/perksofbeingme/status/2811066995) “Pot is for amateurs, shoot demerol” Life lessons from the great Nancy W. Kappes One of the best parts of the weekend.
    .-= Luna´s last blog ..Rock of Ages- 80’s love. =-.

    Like

  83. The Greatest night of my life.

    Here’s my blog post about it – albeit a short one because I couldn’t find the words to capture her:

    http://nosenseoftime.org/2009/07/spank-me-nancy-w-kappes-paralegal-or-how-i-stopped-caring-and-learned-to-love-my-blog-again/
    .-= George Smith´s last blog ..The Real BlogHer =-.

    Like

  84. I was totally in the bathroom with you and Nancy except I didn’t know it was Nancy, I thought she was some crazy-ass bathroom attendant because she was shoo-ing everyone away and trying to pick up a shattered martini glass from the floor. I was scared. And I really had to pee. And I was scared she was going to open the stall door when I was peeing to get more glass shards. So I hurried and left. After I said hello to you, of course. I didn’t want to be rude!
    .-= Snarky Mommy´s last blog ..Halfway to insanity =-.

    Like

  85. fucking.
    awesome.
    seriously.
    LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    .-= crazyassmomma´s last blog ..GOD IS GREAT, BEER IS GOOD……AND PEOPLE ARE CRAZY =-.

    Like

  86. I’m a paralegal at a downtown Indy law firm so I never doubted NWK’s existence but now I really, really want to switch firms to work with her – she is only more fabulous after a real life account!! And that trailmix looks NOM NOM NOM what trailmix?

    Like

  87. Vanessa- I am pretty sure we could market those and become millionaires.

    So does a combo of pot and Xanax still make you a fucking amateur? Ask Nancy for me, ‘k?

    I just love how NWK is totally a term now and I can’t stop laughing at the hater comment above. Snarking the Bloggess for endorsing RX med cocktails. Too fucking funny!

    Like

  88. I love her. Do you think she’d adopt me?
    .-= Mo´s last blog ..Grace Face =-.

    Like

  89. Totally not how I pictured Nancy W, Kappes (Paralegal), and yet, somehow just how I pictured her. If that makes no sense, well, good.
    .-= –V´s last blog ..I thought that was called "messing with someone" =-.

    Like

  90. That is so fucking awesome I almost peed my pants! You win the internets and Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal wins at life.
    .-= Chibi Jeebs´s last blog ..Some thoughts =-.

    Like

  91. “Nancy is the new Chuck Norris.” – with added Judy Garland Trailmix.

    NWK – please start a blog, y’all.
    .-= Mr Farty´s last blog ..East Fortune Air Show =-.

    Like

  92. You have no idea how happy it makes me that Nancy W. Kappes (Paralegal) is both real and does not resemble Tyler Perry.

    Like

  93. What I love is that NWK was recognized and had more followers that some people who actually blog. Hell yeah, NWK is famous. Hope there is a BlogHer in Seattle someday and that you and she are there.
    .-= ms martyr´s last blog ..I can’t help myself =-.

    Like

  94. Apparently I was talking to the wrong people.
    .-= Whit´s last blog ..The Middle of the Moon =-.

    Like

  95. I love me some Nancy W Kappes Paralegal. If she had a blog I would be all over that shit like white on rice. No doubt.
    .-= Martie´s last blog ..Oh, Cranberry, Please Cure Me… =-.

    Like

  96. Dude. Ringo is not dead.

    Like

  97. Please bring Nancy to England – not the soft London experience but the gritty Midlands experience – you can both stay with me – I’ll kick my husband and son out for the duration – or make my husband stay so he totally appreciates me. I’ll make pancakes, coffee and/or herbal tea.

    Like

  98. I had no idea there was doubt as to the reality of Nancy. I figure it’s one of those things you just can’t make up. My only shock would be if she wasn’t a native Texan, because I’m pretty sure we hold the TM on The Crazy and Funny in this state.

    Speaking of, my God, what speed does Blair PR Project person Holly drive to make it to Dallas from Houston is UNDER FOUR HOURS?
    .-= Julie Pippert´s last blog ..…and that’s why it made perfect sense that the cats peed on my business suit. =-.

    Like

  99. I’d like to note that I ALWAYS believed that Nancy was real.
    .-= Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy´s last blog ..Patchypus(s): NOT about BlogHer =-.

    Like

  100. I pictured Madea, too, but,the reality is even better. I’m so glad she’s real and, more importantly, exactly like she presented herself. It’s like proving the existence of a heretofore mythological creature. NWK is the damn saskquatch of the internet. Amazing.

    Like

  101. I’m not sure if I want to make out with you or Nancy In The Sky With Diamonds more right now. Both of you would be the best option, I guess.
    .-= Coco @ Mommyhood and Life´s last blog ..I Want To Hold These Moments In My Hands =-.

    Like

  102. I’m glad she was just like you’d imagine her from her letters. There’s no bull shit with this woman. I dig it.
    .-= Mommica´s last blog ..Possibly offensive =-.

    Like

  103. NWK looks a lot like Debbie Fucking Reynolds in that first photo.
    Make that ” p-HO-to, bitches! ”

    What I love about Nancy is her reserve, her tact, her taciturn demure quiet and ladylike demeanor.
    Especially in bathroom etiquette:
    “You skanks get the fuck out!!—–A woman’s got to take a real shit!!”

    So glad you two were able to hook up at the event. Perhaps from now on Nancy won’t be so shy . . .

    And Nancy, if you’re reading this, I love you dearly.

    Like

  104. Jesus Christ my life is boring. We need to hang out.

    Like

  105. Also, why are you topless in the picture with Nancy?
    .-= torrie´s last blog ..Cupcake Buffet =-.

    Like

  106. Wow. She looks surprisingly normal – right up until the brilliant card part. And Judy Garland trailmix, also awesome. Can you imagine this woman’s brain if she weren’t drug-addled?! I thinks hse needs a comedy stage. Or a tv show – on latenight.
    .-= kittenpie´s last blog ..Post for my Friend =-.

    Like

  107. I want to be Nancy when I grow up!

    Like

  108. My goal in life is starting to become something like “I wanna be a combination of The Bloggess and Nancy W. Kappes when I grow up.” In other words, drunk, disorderly, and passing out the trail mix Karen Walker style, but without debilitating diseases.
    .-= Samantha´s last blog ..I’m only complaining about this two days later because I’m hoping it will get it out of my head permanently. Good for laughs,too. =-.

    Like

  109. I knew in my heart she was real, I knew it.

    I don’t beieve in Jesus, I believe in NANCY.
    .-= ZDub´s last blog ..It’s Like The Deer Hunter. But In Colorado. And No One Plays Russian Roulette. Actually, Nevermind. =-.

    Like

  110. If some sly producer doesn’t make a “Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal” reality show and/or sitcom, there Is. No. Justice.

    Like

  111. And that shit was Fun-neeee, I don’t care who you are!
    .-= Tracy L Jones´s last blog ..New Blog =-.

    Like

  112. Wow. She lives. Not only that, but if you didn’t know better you might look at her and think, “Hi nice lady. Will you watch my kid while I step into the bathroom?” And then your child would never be the same.
    .-= Jen´s last blog ..Now You Know How Much I Love You…An Open Letter To My Children =-.

    Like

  113. Bloggess- you totally DO NOT look naked in that first picture. Some people are just fucking blind. I noticed that NWK (Paralegal) has rings on every finger except her left ring finger. Interesting.

    Seriously, that area code is very close to me… and she looks oddly familiar…
    .-= Denise´s last blog ..It would be so much easier if dogs could talk. =-.

    Like

  114. OMG! I watch Sprout with my son every night! Nina is tainted! Nancy w. Kapps makes my day!

    Like

  115. Okay, I want to know what the warning label on the bottle said. Please???

    Like

  116. Holy shit, she looks so normal. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t someone who looked like they may have been in line in front of me at the grocery store. Stripes, maybe? Claws? Wow.
    .-= LS´s last blog ..Ouch =-.

    Like

  117. Judy Garland Trailmix wins for funniest concept.
    .-= BOSSY´s last blog ..Ten-Word Tuesday. The Packing Edition. =-.

    Like

  118. Whatever happened to “I swear this isn’t a tube top, ya’ll”? Hmm?? Nancy is EXACTLY what I imagined!

    Like

  119. Mmmmm… drugs. Posts like these reaffirm my decision to hang out in women’s bathrooms. Guys never walk in and say, “Hey, want some dope?” Well… sometimes they do. But then you have to… forget it.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Don’t forget the Grabies =-.

    Like

  120. You are so fucking cool!
    .-= TexasRed´s last blog ..My Favorite Chicago Restaurant. =-.

    Like

  121. THAT is Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal? But, but, but…she looks pretty normal. I guess I was expecting gold teeth and a pink wig or something. That she looks so straight kinda makes it all the more awesome. Also? I wish “Judy Garland Trail Mix” was available at CVS.

    P.S. I still miss Melanie from The Good Night Show. Nina sucks.
    .-= blissfully caffeinated´s last blog ..Vacate is the word =-.

    Like

  122. I can’t believe that beautiful hair you were sporting at BlogHer isn’t yours!! And to think I was actually admiring it for the better part of your panel… you were great anyhow. 🙂
    .-= Jill – The Daily Grind´s last blog ..Ode to BlogHer by Telling Dad =-.

    Like

  123. I so totally wish I had my own Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal who brought me pharmaceuticals and called me “Honey”. Kind of like a Mom, but more useful.
    .-= Andi´s last blog ..Your Turn =-.

    Like

  124. There are no words for how friggin hard I just laughed. OMG mega-love. Judy Garland Trailmix. Holy shit I love it. What does the warning label say, by the way?
    .-= Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting´s last blog ..Diet-o-versary, Update and Pictures =-.

    Like

  125. Wow, that is straight up shock and awe, I’m in!
    Me = new to blog world, but you are my kind of girl.
    Would LERV you to check out Conquerthemonkey,
    latest posts on: What to do when your dog drops a deuce and you have no bags (multiple choice)
    keep it up, you are badass
    xo
    Cameron
    http://www.conquerthemonkey.com
    .-= Cameron´s last blog ..The Etiquette of Cleaning Up When Your Dog Goes "Number 2" and You are Out of Bags =-.

    Like

  126. How did you get a picture of a prescription cabinet????
    .-= Aimee Greeblemonkey´s last blog ..The Jokers =-.

    Like

  127. 1. I actually never read the warning label on Nancy’s prescription bottle but this chick did and she got pictures of some of the stuff that I think I’d blocked out : http://www.allybspeakin.com/2009/07/best-night-ever.html

    2. I miss Melanie from the Goodnight Show too. She totally would have signed my boobs.

    3. It was not a tube top. It was a tube *dress*.

    4. Nancy W. Kappes is a Golden God.

    Like

  128. You know… I LOVE me some Nancy… but I am worried?? I looked at the photo… one of the pills says “M357” it is: Hydrocodone – M357. Ummm, Nancy… we love you…. ummm… uncomfortable………..so, anyway. Thanks for the post. Wish I was there.

    Like

  129. Also…are you NUDE in that first picture? You look completely NEKED in your chestal area.
    .-= Samantha´s last blog ..Why old people shouldn’t be allowed to have credit or debit cards. (It’s because I have to deal with them at the end of the day.) =-.

    Like

  130. Awesome. I’ll keep an eye out for her on my next ER shift.

    Like

  131. 131
    MyWifeThinksI'mHot(After3Margaritas)

    Wow. Thank god I read that Guy Kawasaki Navy post. The thought that I was missing out on this dysfunctional (and strangely familiar) discourse is almost too much to bear. To think I was not keeping up (and 2 or 12 beers will do that) on other parenting techniques that are as weird and effective as my own (Let’s face it, kids are more durable and aerodynamic than we give them credit for.) I thought I was just another irresponsible (It’s not wasting time on the internet, it’s social networking, boss.) technical community member and I’m actually educating myself on proper child development. Good for me! Jennie made me better at my job and bolstered my confidence as a parent. Apparently. My Wife & Munchkin thank you.

    Like

  132. Seriously, hilarious! Oh Jenny The Bloggess you make me giggle! And Nancy W. Kappes (Paralegal) does too.
    .-= Deidre´s last blog ..Do you see people and immediately associate them with animals? Like that tennis player who is a horse/turtle? =-.

    Like

  133. Now I HAVE TO go to Blogher2010 now. Thanks a lot.
    How the hell is this milf from Canada going to get her ass to NYC?
    You guys should really consider partying up here sometime, Blogher11 Kelowna BC, the Cali of Canada, think about it…

    http://themilfreport.blogspot.com
    .-= Legs´s last blog ..Are you still watching? =-.

    Like

  134. Oh my god I have just found your blog and I think I’m in love. I’m utterly disappointed I didnt know about you when you were in Chicago. Nevertheless please come back and lets rob the local animal shelter or something and then give the puppies to the Obamas?!
    .-= Julian´s last blog ..The Crow Paradox =-.

    Like

  135. This is hands down the BEST Blogher story ever in the history of Blogher 2009.Much better than my experience.
    .-= Lynn @ human, being´s last blog ..Days of Grace: 143/365 =-.

    Like

  136. Dude, this whole post is made of WIN! And I’m totally stealing the card w/address and bail # thing.

    Like

  137. Oh, My Heroes…
    .-= Aria’z Ink´s last blog ..LMFAO Friday ~ Post I’m NOT At BlogHer ’09 Edition =-.

    Like

  138. Holy Shit.. I can’t stop laughing!!
    .-= sage´s last blog ..Off to see the Wizard… =-.

    Like

  139. Nancy (P) makes Hunter S. Thompson look like a wuss.
    Ether my arse… This woman’s serious…

    Like

  140. I would just like to point out in a nerdy 12-year-old-boy-obsessed-with-sex aka an EmmySuh sort of way that you opened this post “AND SHE CAME.”

    haahhahahahah

    Like

  141. Wow, that’s one party I wish I had attended lol
    .-= Sarcastica´s last blog ..September =-.

    Like

  142. Whoa! Nancy looks exactly the way I pictured her in my head.
    .-= Mir´s last blog ..It’s Smartifying: The Rorshach Test Part II =-.

    Like

  143. Oh my God. I love that woman so much.
    .-= Jessica´s last blog ..A Rather Convenient Truth =-.

    Like

  144. “No, honey. POT IS FOR FUCKING AMATEURS”

    THAT is awesome.

    Like

  145. […] them for actual pain. Unless you count the pain in my soul. Where’s Nancy W. Kappes and her Judy Garland Trail Mix when I need […]

    Like

  146. […] take some kind of pill. It will certainly add to the entertainment value of this post. Please See Nancy W. Kappes, paralegal for […]

    Like

  147. […] Bloggess – Nancy W. Kappes (Paralegal) is Real and I Have Witnesses – “…She brought her “Judy Garland Trailmix” and dumped it out on the bed so I […]

    Like

  148. […] dose. The Bloggess will always recommend that you should avoid knocking back handfuls of the Judy Garland Trail Mix. And, there you go, a little Bloggess humor for you on a tough […]

    Like

  149. […] remember Nancy W. Kappes (paralegal), right?  If you don’t you need to go here and catch up. Back?  Awesome. Well, she was out of commission for a long time due to […]

    Like

  150. Nancy Kappes just past away on Friday October 1st – 2010.
    In Indianapolis-Indiana of a Heart Attack.

    Like

  151. I’m reading this after learning that Nancy has passed on, and this makes me fervently wish that I’d met her in person, even though I feel like I know her from reading her letters here…*sigh*

    Like

    Zandria recently posted I Said I Wasn’t Going to do Anymore of These….

  152. […] dose. The Bloggess will always recommend that you should avoid knocking back handfuls of the Judy Garland Trail Mix. And, there you go, a little Bloggess humor for you on a tough […]

    Like

  153. […] 8,000+ unread emails this morning and I stumbled upon an unread email from our late, great friend ~ Nancy W. Kappes, paralegal.  For those of you new to the blog you should know that Nancy was the greatest letter-writer in […]

    Like

  154. 154
    Abby Dunlap

    Why the FUCK don’t I have friends like this? I completely suck.

    Like

  155. 155
    June Clever

    Why isn’t Nancy W. Kappes (paralegal) a big black woman? Am I the only one that totally pictured her that way?

    Like

  156. 156
    Lady Penelope

    Nancy is a little white woman?

    Who knew?!

    Like

7 trackbacks

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s