The time I scared Blair from the Facts of Life.

First of all, let me clarify that all of this is completely fucking true.  Like, word-for-word.  Secondly, this might not be funny to anyone else but me but honestly this is my favorite marketer that I’ve ever dealt with in the history of the universe.  Remember Blair from Facts of Life?  Well her publicist contacted me and asked if I wanted to interview her.  Fucking, for real y’all. This is that story.  But kinda paraphrased because the publicist is kinda long winded and uses too many caps.

To: jenny @thebloggess.com

From: Holly

Sent: Wednesday, July 08, 2009 12:00 PM

Subject: Re: TV STAR MOM WHO REVEALS HOW SHE DOWN-SIZED & RAISED FAMILY ON A BUDGET

STAR OF NATIONAL HIT SHOW “FACTS OF LIFE” LISA WHELCHEL WHO WALKED AWAY FROM HOLLYWOOD, FAME & FORTUNE & DOWN-SIZED HER LIFE TO BECOME A MOM & A PASTOR’S WIFE SHARES HER TOOLS & TIPS FOR MOMS FOR RAISING A FAMILY ON A TIGHT BUDGET IN THESE TOUGH ECONOMIC TIMES

Lisa Whelchel’s story started out like a Hollywood fairytale but reality hit when she lost her lavish home and had to come up with creative solutions to stretch a tight household budget to raise her family on a pastor’s salary: She left home bound for Hollywood at just 12 years old, landed a coveted spot as a Disney Mouseketeer for “The New Mickey Mouse Club,” and then catapulted to national fame at just 16 years old as the star of the hit National Television Show “The Facts of Life” and became America’s sweetheart – but found herself suddenly thrust into the spotlight facing harsh criticism for her weight at a young and vulnerable age. She now reveals that producers brought scales out onto the set to weigh her and threatened that they would not film the show and would fire her if she didn’t lose weight. She and co-star Nancy McKeon responded by going out to lunch for hamburgers!

With her trademark sense of humor, optimism, and confidence, Lisa Whelchel stood up for herself and proved that she could overcome anything. She thrived and came out on top earning her place as America’s darling, successfully maintaining her role as Blair Warner for 9 years on “The Facts of Life” from 1979 to 1988.

Then, in a startling move, she walked away from it all and from Hollywood to become a pastor’s wife. She filmed the last episode of “The Facts of Life” in March 1988 and just 5 months later, she got married – to a young man she had met at church 2 years earlier, Steve. 10 months later she was expecting her 1st child – and would go on to have 3 children, 3 years in a row. Lisa has found being mother and a wife the most fulfilling role of her life – and has written more than 10 books jam-packed with tools and tips for busy moms to help them make the most of their lives and to make every dollar count.

Lisa Whelchel is currently on tour with the Nation’s Largest Women’s Conference – “Women of Faith” which has attracted nearly 4 Million women since it launched in 1996.

Lisa Whelchel is so committed to living a downsized life as a mom that she even passed on JENNIFER ANISTON’s Role on “FRIENDS” which was offered to her. That role made Jennifer Aniston’s career and she earned $25 Million in 2008 and was ranked the #8 highest earning celebrity in Hollywood on FORBES 2009 Celebrity 100 List. It’s difficult to imagine a more dramatic contrast to living on a pastor’s salary!

I hope you will consider an interview with LISA WHELCHEL for any Parenting Stories you may be working on or Trend Stories on how Women & Moms Are Helping Each Other Cope in this Recession. I look forward to hearing from you and to working together.

Holly

*****************

From: Jenny @thebloggess.com

Sent: Wednesday, July 08, 2009 1:22 PM

Hi Holly. So are you offering me a personal interview with Lisa or is this one of those mass interviews with a ton of bloggers and press?

Thanks!

~Jenny

*****************

From: Holly

Sent: Wednesday, July 08, 2009 3:23 PM

Jenny:

Please let me assure you this is not a mass interview by any means.  I can arrange an Email Interview for you with Lisa Whelchel — If you can share your Questions with me, I can secure direct, personal Answers from her. If you would prefer a phone interview, please let me know and I can explore that as well.  I look forward to working with you.

Holly

*****************

From: jenny @thebloggess.com

Sent: Wednesday, July 08, 2009 3:38 PM

Thanks, Holly!

Email works great for me. Here are my questions for Lisa. Depending on how things turn out these might be on my Houston Chronicle blog or one of my other columns.

1. Lisa, I adore you and you were my favorite girl on the Facts of Life (except when Molly Ringwald was on there that first season) because you always seemed more aware of your personal flaws even when they were most flagrant. So my question is, do you have Molly’s number and can I have it?

2. My four year old has a special name for her “private area” and somehow she decided it was called a “Tootie”. Being an avid watcher of Facts of Life, this disturbs me. Should I just let it go or insist she rename it? I want her to call it “vagina” because I think kids should use the proper terms for their body parts but my friend says it’s technically a “vulva” and that by calling it a “vagina” I am perpetrating a common misnomer. I just have a problem with a four-year-old saying “vulva”. Who’s right?

3. My sister is an avid homeschooler and I know you are a strong proponent of homeschooling but just between you and me, my sister is not really that bright. I mean, she’s street-smart, but I don’t think her kids really need to know the best way to buy dope and also my sister hasn’t done dope in years and so she probably wouldn’t even know the best way to buy dope now anyway. I don’t even think it’s *called* dope anymore. This is how little we now know about dope. My question is, don’t you have to be super smart to homeschool, and also what’s the new word for dope?

4. What’s the square root of 81? Just checking to make sure you’re qualified to answer question 3. If you have to look it up please note that in your answer.

5. What would you say is your biggest attribute besides your hair?

6. Your song, “Cover Me, Lord“, is very pretty but I think it would be more mainstream if it was something about getting shot at by radical non-Christians and you’re all “Cover me, Lord!” and he picks up a bazooka but in the end all the people he killed would be up in heaven with him because it’s a “Bazooka Of Salvation”. And then they’d all be like “Ah! You got me, Lord!” and point at him like those Mentos commercials. That would be awesome. This is less of a question than a suggestion, I guess.

7. Who do you like better…Jesus or God?

8. Trick question. The only acceptable answer is “both”. Although technically I have a soft spot for Jesus because you never see God’s hair in the pictures…just his hands sticking out of clouds. It’s weird.  What are the hands attached to? Am I not supposed to wonder if there’s something wrong with his face? Like maybe he has a bad scar or two noses. It’s unsettling. But I’d still love God even if he did have two noses.  Or maybe that’s a test to see if you really love God even if he has two noses. In fact, I think I’d probably love him even more because I would feel so bad for him because you know when people get to heaven and they’re all excited about seeing God and then he looks down with his two noses they’re all “Um…what…?” and he’s all *sad sigh*. That sucks for everybody. Except me because I don’t care how many noses God has. That’s how I roll.

9. But if Jesus and God were both trapped in a burning building and you could only save one, which one would you choose? I think I’d choose Jesus because he hasn’t lived as long. Except he’d probably feel guilty about his dad but technically he’s already died once and I think that’s probably enough for anyone except for Lazarus who had to die twice. I always wonder if Lazarus was ticked off the second time he died because he was all “Crap. Again?

10. Do you think Lazarus was ticked off he had to die again?

11. We have a lot in common. We’re both Texas girls. You’ve written a lot of books. I’ve sat next to a lot of books. We both wore sweaters in the 80′s. I think we should be friends. But you have to be cool with my sense of humor. And with my sister who may or may not be able to buy us dope. Also, I don’t really do dope now that I’m a mom so if you do you have to do it outside because I don’t really need a contact high because I’m already on a lot of xanax and I have to be able to drive.

12. Your husband is a pastor. Whenever people talk about pastoral paintings I always think they’re talking about a painting with a bunch of pastors in it but usually they’re referring to pastures. Why don’t they say “pastural”?

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and answer my questions, Lisa. You really were an inspiration to me growing up and I wish you success in all you do. Now I’m going to go sing The Facts of Life theme song in my head for the rest of the night because it is completely stuck there now. Seriously, it is the most addictive theme song ever. Except maybe the WKRP song. That’s one’s worse.

Crap. Now I have the WKRP song stuck in my head.

Love,

Jenny

Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle & The Bloggess.com

*****************

From: Holly

Sent: Wednesday, July 08, 2009 7:09 PM

Jenny:

Thank you — I will forward your Questions to Lisa Whelchel and be back in touch with her Responses –

FYI — Lisa has called Dallas home for a number of years so she is based in Texas as well — and she will actually be appearing at the “Women of Faith” conference in Dallas on Aug 21-22 to share her story,  Although I realize that Dallas is nearly a 4 hr drive from Houston we actually generally do see ladies drive in from hours away for the conferences and stay at local hotels overnight — so that could be a local angle for the Houston market.

Either way, we would sincerely appreciate it if you would include a mention of Lisa’s involvement in “Women of Faith” in your article — and if possible, a link to our website www.womenoffaith.com

Thank you — I will be back in touch soon!

Holly

*****************

This is when I thought that surely this chick must be shitting me but I waited patiently for a response.

Then, many, many days later I got this:

From: Holly

Sent: Monday, July 13, 2009 5:32 PM

Jennifer:

I hope you’re well –

I would like to thank you for your interest in Lisa Whelchel –

Unfortunately, after reviewing the questions, we regret that we will not be able to provide responses from her.  We had offered an email interview with her on the subjects of how moms can down-size in this tight economy and her involvement in “Women of Faith” inspiring women across the country with her story.  I hope you can appreciate that as the questions don’t focus on either of these topics, we will not be able to provide responses.

Thank you for your understanding.

Holly

*****************

From: jenny @thebloggess.com

Sent: Monday, July 13, 2009 7:15 PM

Is this because I wouldn’t let her smoke dope in my house? Because I’m flexible on that.

She has to bring her own dope though.

~Jenny

*********

So far there has been no response from the Whelchel camp. I can only assume that means she’s thinking about it.

PS. Just wanted to clarify that I think Lisa Whelchel and Holly are both extremely nice people, and that my sister is actually really smart and is more than capable of buying dope. Also, I feel a little of bad about this whole post but I’d feel worse if they didn’t make it so fucking easy.

Comment of the day: Square roots are entirely over-rated. Also, I can start an IV on you full of horse tranquilizers. Who’s the smart one now? ~ my sister

227 replies. read them below or add one

  1. She’s probably trying to get the conference moved to Huston so she can hang with you

  2. Hi Jenny,
    Funniest interview (or non-interview as the case may be) EVER.
    Question – the last 2 emails are dated Wednesday, July 13th, 2009.
    Im pretty sure tomorrow is Wednesday, and that yesterday (Monday) was July 13th. Am I in some parallel time zone up here in Canada?
    Good day!

    (Fixed. I suck at cut and paste. ~Jenny)

  3. Only you.
    Crap now I have that song in my head.

    Karen Sugarpants’s last blog post..We Never Have Any Fun Around These Here Parts

  4. Dear Jenny,

    You are my hero. You are my hero so much I kinda wish I had a womb too except, come on, where would I keep it?

    fondest regards,

    Ryan

    Ryan’s last blog post..secretsquirrel: Final company-wide email will mention my ‘new job as Captain of a steamer in Cleveland’.
    "Keep in touch! Just google me!"

    Little victories.

  5. hahaha! seriously, they did make it easy. too bad she wasn’t willing to answer your question, a lack of humor and self-irony is very unappealing. Who wants to hang out with people who take themselves to seriously?

    Elisa’s last blog post..No way, baby.

  6. I think it’s because you made fun of Tootie. You probably should have talked about Jo instead.

    Jules’s last blog post..Out of Tune Tuesday – Coldplay

  7. ROFL. I love how apparently she couldn’t pay attention when you sent the questions the first time. And besides, a bazooka of salvation is totally relevant to women of faith, right?

  8. Holy crap. Blair??? FOR REAL???? The fact that you got approached by her people, and then scared her and her people away….you lead a supremely charmed life, that’s for sure! :)

    MeredithElaine’s last blog post..Music makes the people come together

  9. Best interview questions ever.

    corrin’s last blog post..Best Picture Ever

  10. Awesome! Genius!

    Hmmm! Since her meeting will be in Dallas maybe I could go and repeat your questions. I mean it is kind of rude to just blow off the publice like that. maybe the personal touch would help.

    Houston’s last blog post..The Master Plan

  11. Sigh…when will they ever learn? However, if they do, it will cut out tons of entertainment that you provide to me, so…go stupid marketers!

    melistress’s last blog post..Never Say Goodbye

  12. If I did dope, do you think your sister could get ME some?

  13. way too easy. I love it. I fucking love it.

    Brittany’s last blog post..Car wreck….

  14. Hysterical.

  15. While Holly may seem extremely nice, keep in mind a couple of things:

    1) God likes to tempt the faithful every once in a while, just to keep them on their toes.
    2) God most likely is using you to tempt Blair with dope (don’t feel bad – getting used by God isn’t like getting used by that asshole in 8th grade).
    3) Holly prevented Blair from being tempted; in other words, she’s a “god-blocker.” He’s not big on that.

    Holly is going to hell.

  16. Whoa, KG, that’s trippy.

    And Jenny, you REALLY think this marketer is cooler than the family movie site marketer? weird.

  17. You probably made a nice edition to her wikipedia page that was emailed to you in the first email;
    LISA WELCHEL COULD HAVE BEEN INTERVIEWED BY THE BLOGGESS BUT SHE HAD TO STAY TRUE TO HER MISSION OF BEING HOLY AND SMUG ABOUT WALKING AWAY FROM HOLLYWOOD. LET’S SEE JENIFER ANISTON DO THAT!

    Rachel M.’s last blog post..whoa

  18. I think you both won. You (and we) got some laughs and they got the information out about her conference and the website. They should thank you because it was more interesting than what they wanted you to do.

    Stephanie’s last blog post..Etsy Vintage Day – Bachelorette Party

  19. It is posts like this one that is the true reason Al Gore invented the Internets.

  20. You can bet your ass she was cursing God after Friends got big.

  21. I’d totally answer those questions.

    Kyla’s last blog post..Summer fun!

  22. If you talk with her again can you please ask her what it was like to have that steamy love affair with Joe/Nancy McKeon behind the scenes and also ask her if Joe is still a tomboy and if Joe knows she was a crush for young lesbians everywhere but all of us thought she was too good for Blair because Blair was a snob. But she really understood Blair underneath it all so part of me was ok with it. And also if she has Joe’s number. Thanks.

  23. Oh, and my ex-brother-in-law remarried a Tootie. Sweet justice for my sister-in-law.

  24. I’m thinking that “Women of Faith” and “BlogHer” should unite into one conference. Except then we might all have to hide in the bathroom.

    Brutalism’s last blog post..Smut Peddlers

  25. Have you ever seen those sites where the guy fucks with those “Ill send you 1 million dollars from Nigeria” emails….you remind me of that guy.

    Only cooler.

    And probably in less danger.

    ~Trisha

    trisha’s last blog post..JVC Everio Finalists

  26. Jenny, you balls like the ones that they shoot out of cannons.

    You know, cannon balls? It just felt weird saying you had balls like cannon balls, but they do always trump melon balls which I assume Women of Faith eat a lot.

    I don’t know why.

    Betsey Booms’s last blog post..Friday Night Live Or Like You Have Anything Better To Do?

  27. Ha ha, it appears that Holly the publicist just forwarded your insane questions to Blair without reading them. I would have loved to have been there when Blair called her up in a rage, demanding to know what the fuck Holly was thinking, forwarding this filth. (Although she probably didn’t say “fuck.”)

    jfruh’s last blog post..Metapost: Looking for the COTW

  28. Holy crap that is funny stuff right there. I live here in Dallas and have seen Lisa on TV and in person. She…. would have NO idea what to say to those questions. Its sad really. I always hoped Blair had a sense of humor.

    *sad sigh*

    And yeah, now I have that song in my head…

    T’s last blog post..A Lovers’ Retreat

  29. uhm. she’s downsized? and has a publicist?

    wowzers.

  30. Priceless…

    You should definitely let Hailey call her vagina/vulva whatever she wants. LOL

    AmazingGreis’s last blog post..I &hearts Faces – Week 27

  31. ok…now THAT was funny!!

    melissa’s last blog post..OverWhelmHer @BlogHer

  32. hahahahahahaha! I can’t IMAGINE why she wouldn’t want to answer those questions.

    Crystal’s last blog post..As Much Fun as a Broken Leg

  33. You just made my day. LOVE your blog (and your advice column, and following you on twitter). You are awesome.

  34. No witty response here, I just had to tell you yet again how much I adore you and your blog. I’m sure this has nothing to do with the fact that some magazine paid Lisa Whelchel to drive around in an RV for a year while she homeschooled her kids which I would love to do, but have no magazine sponsor and am not likely to ever because sadly I was not a child star, am not a high profile Christian mom (that whole Mormon things really gets their panties in a bunch), and can’t make cute scrapbook pages. (If I remember correctly, Memory Makers magazine was her sponsor.) I am, however, street smart and book smart enough to homeschool my kids-but they turned me down when I suggested it. If they’re old enough to do that, you probably waited too long to start homeschooling.

  35. She should have answered them – that would have been so cool. She always was the dorky one though.

  36. PS I was going to scoff, loudly, at the notion that Blair was ever even remotely considered for a part on Friends, but then did a tiny amount of Wikipedia research and was shocked to see that ultimate ’80s cultural touchstone Facts of Life and ultimate ’90s/early ’00s cultural touchstone Friends were actually only separated by 6 years or so. (FoL ended in ’88, Friends started in ’94).

    It still seems extremely unlikely to me — Blair has done exactly zero TV work after Facts of Life ended (barring two Facts of Life reunion shows) and she was 31 when Friends started as opposed to Aniston’s 25, which is a huge gap in TV starlet terms. But I was startled at how close the two shows were in time, as in retrospect they seem to be from totally different centuries.

    jfruh’s last blog post..Metapost: Looking for the COTW

  37. geezus Jenny.. you are surely going to hell for the shit you come up with.. especially when you involve others outside your reality zone.. which is cool with me cause I’ve got standing reservations and I’ll need the company.. of course.. they bring it on themselves which is what makes the whole fucking thing so awesomely fucking hysterical.. the only thing that would have been funnier is if holly had really sent the emails directly to lisa.. then we’d be reading hate emails from holly who would now be unemployed.. but.. the total silence from lisa would have been less gratifying.. keep the shit up dude.. let the fuckers bask in their stupidity!

  38. Dear. God. (Cover me!) I love this post so much.

    I’m not sure this was the main point of her press release, but what I mostly learned about Lisa Whelchel is that, apparently, “downsized” is code talk for I’M ANNOYING, PLEASE PUNCH ME IN THE FACE.

    User tip: The theme song to Reba will immediately and completely erase any other song, ditty, etc. from your head. Let me know if you need any help with anything else.

    Lesley’s last blog post..Updated To Add Useless P.S.: This Post Is About My New Cat So You Might Want To Just Skip It (Unless You’re Totally Into Cats) (Or Crack Houses)

  39. My last comment made no sense. It’s because my brain is borderline bursting out of my head today.

    But I mean you have balls. I don’t even know what “you balls like” means.

    Betsey Booms’s last blog post..Friday Night Live Or Like You Have Anything Better To Do?

  40. You should try to get an interview with Tootie, and ask her how she feels about your daughter naming her hoo-hah after her…
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kim_Fields

    Also, speaking as a college student who was homeschooled through middle school and high school, unless your parents are into dope, probably the art of obtaining dope is something you figure out when you move out of your parents house (read run screaming from their house, anxious to taste the sweet sweet air of freedom). …NOT speaking from experience, haha; and actually, given my inherent social awkwardness, I’m pretty damn grateful for having been sheltered from the evil halls of high school.

  41. High-frigging-larious!

  42. You are my new interviewing-by-email hero. Not that I had an old one. But if I did, you would replace him/her.

    Shawn’s last blog post..His dick is on HBO, your dick is on cable access: Mickey Avalon

  43. Maybe she she was simply unable to detach from her Blair character’s self-absorbed, hair-flipping nastiness, but I have wanted to slap Lisa Welchel ever since I heard about her proclivity for “hot saucing” her kids.

    http://www.religioustolerance.org/spankin9.htm

    Tiny Mantras’s last blog post..Baby’s first punch in the head

  44. That was like shooting fish in a barrel. Except when I try to shoot fish in a barrel, they usually turn out to be armed and start shooting back. But that gives me the opportunity to use the line, “Cover me, Lord!” which obviously works because Jesus loves me and I’m still alive. So THANK YOU for this post.

    Louise’s last blog post..Land of O’Keefe

  45. There isn’t anything funnier. Wow. Love that the questions were just passed on without being looked over. Either that or Holly just seemed to think the questions wouldn’t be minded. That’s great either way!

    Kelly’s last blog post..Sporadic Shindig

  46. uptight, much, Lisa?

    I’m knitting us matching sweaters and I will be hunting you down at BlogHer if my paralyzing anxiety gets me from the train station to the hotel.

  47. 48
    BookGeekGrrl

    So, I shared the part of your post about your version of her song with my co-worker and she came up with a brilliant suggestion, which is to do your version of the song in a round with “Cover me lord” sung by the saved on the north side of the church, and “I got your back, lord” sung by the redeemed on the south side. Or something like that.

  48. I was TOTALLY going to say that you’re my hero, but stupid Ryan and his stupid non-womb self beat me to it. Stupid. But you are my hero. And I feel like, as a pastor’s wife myself I should be really really offended by all that, so when I stop the hysterics and clean up this puddle I just made, perhaps I’ll find time for that too. After all, I’d hate to be a stereotype breaker and actually find your crap funny. But it is SO freaking funny. And no, they don’t call it dope anymore. Sheesh. You should know that.

    Mikki’s last blog post..We survived!

  49. …do it in a round with “Cover me lord” sung by the saved on the north side of the church, and “I got your back, lord” sung by the redeemed on the south side.

  50. Maybe you should send the questions to Tootie or Jo – it’s a waste to leave them unanswered…

  51. Heh, so now I want to interview you, because that would be the most awesome thing ever. And I’ve met some famous people (like the Queen and former England football player Bobby Charlton – no lie!) but that would probably still be even better than both. Because Bobby Charlton only said hello for a few minutes and I’d been led to believe that he would be giving me football training all afternoon but instead he got some minions to do it, so I was disappointed. And the Queen was nice but I used to see her every day when I lived in England: on the coins, the notes, in the sky, on the stamps, etc. But I only ever see you on this website which is about twice a week (if I’m lucky) and I’d have no preconditions except that you have the rollers in your hair when being interviewed or I’m a no-go.

    Fuiru’s last blog post..The Imaginary Reviewer Takes on England!

  52. First off (and this will determine the future of our friendship, so no pressure): Was she *really* your favorite on FoL? Seriously? Or were you sucking up at that point?

    Because if she *really* was then I don’t know if I can look you in the eye anymore Jenny. What non-sense about her being America’s Sweetheart, I know she’s in PR, but can she simply make.crap.up? Natalie was America’s Sweetheart. The short, chubby gal with the pleasant sense of humor. Much like moi.

    If she *really* was your favorite on FoL, it’ll be hard to get through this, but I’d be willing to give couples counseling a try?

  53. To be honest, Blair was the girl I would have skinned so I could have her hair but Jo was who I’d have hung out with. Natalie was a close second.

  54. If I was Blaire from The Facts of Life I would’ve answered. Oh wait. If I was Blaire, I’d be a Woman Of Faith, so maybe not.

    Miss Grace’s last blog post..Pre BlogHer Post

  55. My only goal in life is to grow up and be JUST LIKE TheBloggess. I think that’ll be pretty kick-ass. I’m already Texan and that’s like 78% of the transformation, right?

  56. I bet Tootie would have answered those questions. Real Tootie, not vagina tootie, I mean.

  57. The Time I Scared Blair from The Facts of Life: The Blair Bitch Project. Because she was annoying on the Facts of Life and every After School Special type show she’s ever been in.

    She turned down “Friends”? Riiiiiight.

    Dingo’s last blog post..This Week’s Short List of People Who Piss Me Off

  58. 59
    Karen Aptekar

    You are fucking hilarious !

  59. OMFG, I love you!
    Those were the ONLY questions anyone could ever possibly ask a pastors wife. You messed up though- you didn’t offer her a cherry flavored penis sucker. I gave one to a mormon missionary Saturday night at my bachelorette party and he totally wanted an interview.

    Ariel’s last blog post..Slowly going crazy but surfacing soon

  60. I can’t even breathe I’m laughing so hard. I mean REALLY. And also I have this picture of Lisa Whelchel’s house in my head and it ain’t pretty. I see…lots of math posters on the wall and some hands-only paintings of God.

    Elizabeth’s last blog post..Why he should have just married his mother

  61. No doubt she wrote those ten books for free and her publicist volunteers so she can remain committed to living a downsized life on just a pastor’s salary.

    Laurel’s last blog post..Don’t like my potty mouth? Fuck you.

  62. I am not worthy of blogging anymore.

    Kim Røen’s last blog post..Toilet-credit

  63. So…. you never got Molly Ringwald’s number?

    Shawna’s last blog post..Mopping Up Malaria

  64. Twitter is my Xanax, yo. (Xanax muffins work nicely too.)
    I’ve never smoked dope but I once passed out from a 3 foot bong. With my parents right there (they were chill like that). Now I’m a mormon, go figure.
    Yeah, they pretty much handed you this post. Would be nice if people actually READ your stuff beforehand but it makes for our entertainment. So I guess it’s good they don’t.
    PS: in my humble opinion, I believe Jesus has Yanni hair that swishes and bounces as he floats around.

  65. did they really expect anything different from you? honestly. in my opinion … those are THE best interview questions EVER. honestly. i would feel privilaged to be interviewed by you. (by the way … i’m not sure that i spelt/spelled privilaged write/right … whatev.)

  66. Did you ever get Molly’s number? If so could you pass it on.

    And thanks, now I’m going to have to sing Barry Manilow to get the WKRP song out of my head.

    Dijea’s last blog post..I’m pissed and I don’t care who knows it

  67. I believe in your sister.

    So, can I have her number?

  68. You should tell Hailey that she needs to call her “private area” Blair now

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Tuesday Trivia: Advertising

  69. You should have taken the phone interview.

  70. BWAHAHAA!! they have obviously not ever read your blog if they thought you were going to ask questions about coupon clipping, and homemade church snacks. unless they decorate their churches and churchy-meetings with bobcat carcasses and bone necklaces. then MAYBE.
    plus- i’ll be the one to say it- BLAIR SUCKED!!! even i knew that and i was 8 years old when that show went off the air. and molly ringwald is still awesome.

    britt’s last blog post..aisha tyler thinks i deserve $100 but is too busy directing films to play online scrabble with me

  71. I love when people name their “down-there-parts” after movie/T.V. characters. My friend Kristen calls here “Cooter”, after the tow truck dude form Dukes of Hazzard.

    Also, I’m pretty sure there was an episode where Natalie was giving all the boys handjobs, so I’m pretty sure that she is the most popular one on the show.

  72. My daughter calls her vulva her “body.” Because when she asked me what it was, I didn’t really look at where she was pointing and thought she was pointing to her torso. True story. I have tried to get her to rename, but she’s stubborn.

    I think you should go to the conference in Dallas in your confidence wig and tell everyone you are Lisa Whelchel…

  73. That was the awesomest thing I have read in forever. And I think Jesus is my favorite too.

  74. Someone in this post was clearly smoking the dope. Hint: Not you, not Lisa, not your sister.

    Fearless’s last blog post..

  75. So, this Lisa Wheelchair, who loves the burger but is keen on downsizing and attending the Largest Women’s Conference, just how much does she weigh?
    When I’m a poor pastor’s wife, I want to be interviewed by Jenny From The Blog.

  76. If she writes back and you get to do the interview, can you get me Nancy McKeon’s number because – as a big lesbo – Jo was of course my favorite character on Facts of Life. Maybe we could write companion pieces – you could do the Christian Lisa one (because I’m clearly not qualified to get into a discussion about heaven given that I am a godless dyke) and I’ll do the Wish Jo Had Been Gay Nancy piece. Sound good?

  77. I seriously love you. Seriously. And I want to be your friend. You are hilarious. How do you have the guts to just write that and send it in an e-mail????
    Oh, and that song was AWFUL btw — I couldn’t even listen past 20 seconds.
    And why did Holly call you by your government name in that last e-mail?

    sabrina’s last blog post..ON THE PHONE WITH LITTLE BFF

  78. And speaking of Jesus… You should have asked – “If I have to find Jesus, does that mean he’s hiding from me”? Because you know, if he is… that just clears a lot of stuff up and stops wasting valuable time for all involved.

  79. Crap! My almost 4-y-o calls it vagina. Which made my mom and aunt nearly pass out when DD looked up at them sweetly when they were babysitting and said, “My vagina hurts.” Or, more likely at that younger age, “My bagina hurts.” I should have taught her to say, “My vulva hurts.” Or, more likely at that younger age, “My bulba hurts.” Which is probably more likely than her vagina hurting. Seriously, that story still brings tears to their eyes. Which word is funnier: vagina or vulva?

  80. Fuck that. I remember reading that Lisa Whelchel said that she gives her kids a choice between holding her hand or her holding their hair when they cross the street. Could you please verify that? And what, does she have leprosy that her kids don’t want to hold her hand? Not that there’s anything wrong with leprosy, of course.

    Marinka’s last blog post..Remedial Blog School: How to Write an Excellent Blog Post

  81. hahahah … ok … obviously Holly doesn’t know a THING about you. See at least when we talked to you about guest posting we KNEW you. People are DUMB! Seriously … DUMB.

    Earlier this year, we went to see the best play in West Hollywood … all in DRAG – The Facts of Life – the LOST episode. OMG Jenny, you would have laughed you ass off. My friend Lisa’s friend Jamie was the lead and he was hilarious as Mrs. G. I did a post about it here: http://www.wheresmydamnanswer.com/WP02/2008/12/12/facts-of-life-the-lost-episode/

    Here’s an excerpt featuring … the drag Blair and Mrs. G – enjoy:
    MTVMusic VideosMTV ShowsCelebrity News

    kristy – wheres my damn answer’s last blog post..My Therapist Lexi & Her BFF

  82. gah … video didn’t work … here’s a link to the page with it:

    http://www.wheresmydamnanswer.com/WP02/2009/02/09/the-big-gay-sketch-show-casting/

    kristy – wheres my damn answer’s last blog post..My Therapist Lexi & Her BFF

  83. So, what if I tell you my parents named me Blair after the character on Facts of Life? This is true. Not jokes. I’m okay with this because it is not like many of my friends who are named after Soap stars.

    After I heard that Mrs. Whelchel thought “hot saucing” was an effective way of discipling children, I stopped telling people (for a while) what inspired my parents to name me Blair. I think your one and only question should be about this “hot saucing” method of discipline. Hot sauce is cheap; therefore, this maybe part of her family budgeting skills during hard times. Just a thought.

  84. omg, you are so evil.

    annie’s last blog post..Feels Like Summer Rambling Thoughts

  85. Holly is the interviewer version of cockblock. a real downer.

  86. wait that didnt come out right….

    If the interviewee is the vagina and the interviewer is the cock then………
    Holly is the cockblock of the interviewer….which is you. So to be clear, your not a cockblock Holly is.

  87. uh-oh- for a moment I actually thought you had gone to the dark side! All believing in pastoral Lisa thang and promoting her love affair with Lord,”cover me, hold me , protect me though I am unworthy”…kind of a sick relationship if you ask me but necrophilia has never appealed to me much…Oh me of little faith- I appologize for ever doubting you!

  88. OMG OMG, freaking Blair Warner! That would probably be more awesome than the birth of my kids if I got to talk to Blair. Of course, there’s no way that Jo would have refused to smoke dope in your house. She could probably teach you how to buy it and where to hide it. Over Our Heads was totally filled with Jo’s dope hiding places. And as for Edna’s Edibles, why do think Mrs. Garrett’s baked good were so popular?

    LS’s last blog post..The Tale of the NCA

  89. [...] In this case, it was clear that the publicist really didn’t have a clue as to who she was contacting and that Lawson found the idea of interviewing Lisa Whelchel, AKA Blair from The Facts of Life, irresistible. Jenny Lawson is bawdy and snarky and Whelchel has made her name in the years since she was on the 80s sitcom as a kind of avatar of Heartland-style, Jesus-approved motherhood, as well as a wannabe Christian pop star (hence the video above). It would have been an interview for the ages. The following are some of the questions Lawson sent to Lisa Whelchel’s eager publicist, known only as Holly: [...]

  90. Fucking Brilliant!

    mysuestories’s last blog post..It Shoulda Been A Drive In

  91. Also, you used to be my hero but too many people on your blog call you their hero, so now it is Ryan Seacrest. He’s overcome so much since the first season of American Idol.

    Shawna’s last blog post..Mopping Up Malaria

  92. Thank you for this. just. Bless.

    Just Shireen’s last blog post..The One Where I Ignore My Blog Because I’m Boring

  93. it’s been a while since i told you how much i love you, so now seems like a good time to say it again: i love you.
    and i am crying because i won’t be able to hang out with you in the bathroom at blogher this year.
    also, i want to be email interviewed by you.

  94. Shit! You’re from a distant planet, aren’t you? It’s okay to admit it here, out in the open. So am I!!

    In all seriousness, I’d give up one of my (practically nonexistent) boobs just to have the opportunity to crawl around in your brain for a few hours. Must be like an acid trip … only more fun and totally legal.

  95. I actually met her at MOPS conference in Nashville at the Gaylored Resort 4 yrs ago and she def takes herself way to seriously but I respect her as a mother. I totally would have loved to see her answer those questions LMFAO

  96. Jenny–You are the funniest person ever, in the whole history of funny. Your posts always make me laugh, but this one made me cry it is so funny.

  97. Natalie would have answered the questions, I’m sure of it.

  98. Wow. Wasn’t Holly professional. How do you keep getting contacted by people for things like this when if they read your different blogs they would believe you were the spawn of satan? You are absolutely, seriously, unbelievable twisted. I love that about you. You totally rock it you little evil spawn of satan.

  99. This is the first time I’ve read your blog, and I think you’re hilarious!

    Jaime’s last blog post..It’s so sunny out, but I feel overcast.

  100. Ahh, Jenny, as usual you had me laughing until I cried with this post. And Holly was totally wrong – OF COURSE your interview was right for “Women of Faith.” Look at all your questions on Jesus and God and Lazarus and buying dope and stuff. Obviously, Holly can’t read. I wonder if that’s a qualification for being a celebrity publicist. Hmmm.

  101. This may be the best fucking thing I’ve ever read. I think Lazurus was pissed, I like Jesus better because I believe he actually existed at some point, and I have no idea how to buy dope. But I don’t think they still call it dope.

    shine’s last blog post..Care Burden, y’all.

  102. ah crap, I just peed my pants. I bow to your awesomeness and still jealous that you get xanax, I need to try harder but you would think that anyone that breaks their foot doing Wii Active should get something better than NSAIDS, fucking doctors.

    Shmoo’s last blog post..Always gotta be something

  103. I don’t know how you come up with these things, but I’m so glad you do. Even more perplexing is how these poor agents keep it all so boring and professional while you’re quietly sitting there yanking their chain.

    Heidi’s last blog post..August 4, 2008

  104. Yeah, I don’t think they read your blog much. They noticed it said something about Mother Teresa and that, “Now here is a women of faith!” I think you are a woman of faith and I love the Bazooka of Salvation idea and I love Jesus (is there a bumper sticker I can get or something?).

    Mrs. B. Roth’s last blog post..PocketMod Saves the Day

  105. My four-year-old calls it her vulva, which we taught her from the get-go. Not only is it more accurate, but in my opinion, “vulva” sounds nicer than “vagina,” just from the way the sounds of it go. Also, I always loved Facts of Life because it was set in Peekskill, N.Y., my hometown. In fact, there was an old convent / boarding school that looked over the river (not too far from my elementary school) that i always thought was probably where the show took place. You know, if it had been real, instead of just a show.

  106. Blair was my favorite because she had the best hair, and I always wanted to be her, but I identified with Jo, because in actuality my hair sucked.

  107. Lisa Welchel babysat my husband when he was a kid. She also rode the bus to church camp with him so he wouldn’t be afraid to go by himself.

    True story. I swear to Jesus AND God.

    Miss Yvonne’s last blog post..Who’s Your Daddy? I’m Pretty Sure It’s Not This Guy.

  108. Jenny, are you totally sure that YOU’RE not Jesus? I’m beginning to suspect.

  109. Now that IS some funny shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  110. Natalie would have totally answered your questions.

  111. You are so funny! My granddaughter calls her vagina “body” . She told me mine was gross because it had hair on it. Fucking brat.

  112. I have a friend from childhood whom Ive recently reconnected with on Facebook who is a talented singer and performs with Women Of Faith also!
    In fact .. until I joined Facebook last year, I had forgotten that I was raised Catholic and attended a southern Baptist school.
    In forgetting this I also forgot that 99% of the people I grew up with were also either southern Catholic or southern Baptist .. which basically means that they are all very jesusie and very churchie.
    Then theres me. Everyone remembers me (for reasons I wont to into here .. but lets just say that every single childhood friend on my Facebook has held a prayer vigil for me at one point or another for good reason).
    Sometimes I forget that I have all of these very jesusie very churchie friends on my facebook and I do things like link to The Bloggess and say FUCK and MOTHERFUCKIN .. a lot.
    Then I get all red in the face when I get an email from one of the jesusie people telling me that they are saying a prayer for me (happened yesterday .. swear to GOD).
    But today .. today I am TOTALLY linking this blog to my Facebook and Im gonna tell everyone its about God ..
    wait for the collective GASP coming from Central Florida, ya’ll.

  113. ps. all of the typos above are because Im at work. and drunk.

  114. also .. Actual Transcript of an Instant Message between me and hubby that happened right now:
    Hubby:
    The Always Infinity pad is pretty impressive.
    Me:
    how so?
    Hubby:
    It’s huge flexible and extra absorbant, but extremely thin.
    Me:
    and how do you know this?
    ***Ive been waiting for over 10 minutes for his reply … stay tuned … Im sure the delay with delight us all***

  115. aaaaannnddddd … here it is:
    Hubby:
    I’ve been researching so I can share in your interests.
    Me:
    the fuck?
    Hubby:
    Now we can talk about pads, I’m going to research plugs.
    Me:
    I got nothin.

  116. That. Was. Awesome. DO IT AGAIN!!!

  117. When you and Lisa W. become BFFs you two should take a road trip and visit Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal. I’m sure you all would have so much in common. I’d like two tickets to that please.

  118. I remember it like it was yesterday. The day that Lisa Whelchel shocked the world by tossing aside her Hollywood fame for the humble life of a Pastor’s companion. Where were you when you heard? I had just left third period and all the kids were crying. I frantically asked what was wrong but no one could compose themselves long enough to tell me. Then the announcement came over the loudspeaker and I understood all too well. That day turned into a half day, but we still flew the flag at half mast for the remainder of the week.

  119. I don’t find much inspiration in Lisa Welchel’s martyred story about choosing God over “Friends.” But you, Jenny, and your willingness to call BS on promotional fluff, restore my faith in humanity. Plus you’re just damned funny. Thank you!

  120. Pure pure awesomeness.

    Also. Watch out, Lisa might come stab you in the ankle.

  121. Okay, am I the only one who read that she was part of the “Nation’s Largest Women’s Conference” and thought, “Oh, she’s still overweight …” ? Not that there’s anything wrong with it …

  122. Hysterical! :)

    LA Cochran’s last blog post..Assorted Flotsom

  123. 124
    Cedarflame

    When I read some of the stuff you write I think WOW, they let you on a Naval Nuclear weapons ship…and that makes me feel maybe there is something wrong with our security program in this country after all and then I take two Xanax read you again and laugh my ass off. If I run short of Xanax because of you can you call your sister for me?

  124. i think the answer to “5. What would you say is your biggest attribute besides your hair?” is so obvious…

    of course, it’s her tootie.

    monica’s last blog post..glenmorgan tea estate

  125. R in CT — No, you’re not the only one. And then they talk about her “downsizing” and I’m thinking, “Does that mean she lost weight?”

    –V’s last blog post..So it turns out I like jazz. And blues.

  126. and, I just squirted diet mountain dew out my nose. thank you, that was hilarious.

  127. My answers to the questions:

    1. Holly Crap … that was Molly Ringwald? How did I not know that? Since I’m sure you couldn’t post her number on the WORLD-WIDE-WEB could you just give her a shout out for me!

    2. A tootie sounds too much like gas. Perhaps you can compromise and have her call it a Vootie!… Read More

    3. Once an avid home schooler always and avid dope smoker … no matter what you crazy kids call it!

    4. Instead of finding the square root of 81 couldn’t we just blow up 81 with the “Bazooka of Salvation?” It would really keep that whole math thing in it’s place and out of my Vootie!

    5. Big Love … right … lots of women married to religious men … right???

    6. Horns up for the Bazooka of Salvation!”

    7. I like Jesus better but only if pronounced hispanically … like how Bruce Willis thought Samual Jackson’s character’s name was “Jesus” when they kids were yelling “Hey Zeus” … You know Mount Olymus, lightening bolts up your ass! So who would you most like to see play Jesus in the movie version? Bruce Willis or Samual Jackson?

    8. Of course God has multiple noses … he can’t really be “all-smelling” with only one can he??? And yes … I said it … HE … it’s a guy … c’mon … only guys would make some of this crap?

    9. Lazarus Long is one of my favorite fictional characters … and he isn’t even in a porn movie … I know … weird huh!!!… Read More

    10. Oh yeah … he was pissed!

    11. Damn greasy hippies always trying to smoke dope in my house!!!

    12. So was the husband Luis Pasteur? I didn’t know this woman was so damn influential!

  128. I nearly peed my pants over the entire homeschool-dope-square root of 81 section….and when I got to Holly thanking you for your questions, I flashed back to my days of yore when I worked for “da man” and how STUPID most govt employees are and how they thank you for shit without even reading it
    first.

    Thank you for the first belly laugh I’ve had in days. I’m going to go change my pants now.

    Nikki’s last blog post..Because I Said So…

  129. That bitch doesn’t have Molly Ringwald’s number.

    Black Hockey Jesus’s last blog post..Sometimes, Your Real Life Accrues Meaning From A Fictional Context And That Is Cool

  130. Jenny the Bloggess (if that is in fact your REAL name),
    As a young girl I would pretend to be Blair from the Facts of Life, so let me just say, I am offended.
    And perhaps you didn’t know this, but I’m sure Holly wouldn’t allow “Blair” to answer your questions because of her past dope addiction. It would have been too painful for her. You see, the reason she was *heavy* back then was because of her Jack-in-the-Box problem. Which was a direct result of her dope addiction.
    What I’m trying to say is dope leads to weight gain. That’s why it’s illegal. Duh.

    shauna’s last blog post..If I’ve learned anything, it’s that it’s easier to deal with a gnat than have to remodel your kitchen.

  131. “Madness July 14, 2009 at 1:20 pm”

    Where the fuck is your blog?? If you dont have one you need one. Your funny as fuhk…..and so is your husband.

    peedee’s last blog post..Ahhhhhh, Softball

  132. I loved your interview questions and would also love to see Nancy W. Kappes, paralegal, interview Lisa W.! And then pour hot sauce on her tongue.

  133. Her sense of humor is trademarked? Is that even possible?!

    PricklyGirl’s last blog post..What are you doing Saturday night?

  134. I wonder if she ever actually READ your blog? Because anyone who actually thinks they’re going to get an interview about what THEY wanted must be out of their minds… I loved the questions. I would have TOTALLY answered, after peeing my pants.

    tracey’s last blog post..Weekend review

  135. Just when I thought I couldn’t laugh any harder after Hotty Hubby & I read through all your “Sexis” articles, here you come with this stuff. That was the funniest interview ever!!

    Mad Woman’s last blog post..Random Tuesday

  136. *snort* *giggle* I think this way is BETTER than an actual interview. =)

    castocreations’s last blog post..Exhaustion Ensues

  137. In which Jenny induces bewilderment, fear and possibly intense paranoia in yet ANOTHER publicist who failed to read her blog. May such people continue their publicity-farming ways for our edification and delight.

  138. All I have to say even though I found your blog by accident, I stuck around becuase you are effing hilarious!!

  139. Too.Freakin.Funny!

    I can’t believe she didn’t have the guts to answer those questions. Must have something to do with the women of faith thing or something. I bet she laughed a little though, maybe, or not. Who cares? I laughed so it’s all good here!

  140. Ha! I bet Natalie would have answered the questions!

  141. Can I forward all my PR emails to you? I’m completely serious.

    maggie, dammit’s last blog post..A good honest venting.

  142. In about five years of reading blogs, that is probably the funniest ever post.

    EVAH!

    And I’ve no idea who any of you are.

  143. I’d save Jesus. Seems like the right thing to do since he saved all of mankind and all..

    juliejulie’s last blog post..Running Around with a 25 Year Old CEO

  144. If Blair has any balls at all she will answer all your questions? But I want to know what dope she was on when she hallucinated someone offering her an acting job on anything in the 90′s.

  145. People do really go to Conferences and stay at out-of-Town Hotels. Dallas or Bust. To make sure it goes well, I’m going to link to Women in Faith in all that I do from this point forward.

    http://www.womenoffaith.com

    See.

    Deb on the Rocks’s last blog post..A Case of the Wimbleton Grunts

  146. Don’t feel bad if they don’t get back to you, she’s nuts. You know she advocates forcing your kids to drink hot sauce as a punishment? Freakin’ crazy. And your questions are awesome. She won’t have the spine to answer them.

    followthatdog’s last blog post..Flat on my back

  147. Holy Shit…you are kidding me! This is great.
    My daughter calls her “private” area the same thing…only in Spanish, which is Totie (the o is a long o).

    Staci Z’s last blog post..Hurricane Carlos

  148. Why the heck do you feel bad?? You’re totally shilling for their conference and website. I feel used! (and dirty, but I always feel a little dirty after reading your blog..)

  149. I am simply shocked and deeply disturbed to hear that Women of Faith don’t do dope, or buy it from the sisters.

    And, it’s one thing when they retire from the limelights but really another when their publicists reach out to genuinely sweet naive and innocent girls like Jenny in an attempt to convert them to Hollywood Satanism.

    Wholly Fucking Jesus, Martha, & Stewart on Toast !!!!!!What is this world coming to????!??

  150. Lisa? Has a stick up her ass. A stick called *regret* because? She didn’t get a piece of young George Clooney, in his mullet prime. Frankly, who can blame her.

  151. Jenny, I love reading your blog. When the world never seems to be living up to my dreams and I realize it’s time I started figuring out what everything is all about, I come here. I mean, you take the good… you take the bad. Seriously, you take them both and, somehow, you have the facts of life. And suddenly I’m finding out the facts of life are all about me… me.

    Thanks!

    andy’s last blog post..Random Thautz for the week 2009-07-12

  152. 153
    Christina

    You are freaking hilarious. Thanks for making me laugh. XO

  153. that was fucking AWESOME! somehow I knew they were gonna flake out on you. phuck ‘em.

    Sissy’s last blog post..What Am I Gonna Do With This Kid?

  154. You pull no punches.

    Obviously, working at that Christian place you used to work at (unless I’m remembering wrong) gave you some mad sacrilegious skillz.

    See, I would have asked her all about that ‘budget’ and what was the budget? Did they eat margarine sandwiches? Did they shop Goodwill? But you worked the religion angle very well.

    ozma’s last blog post..Crazy Dictator Month: Depressing Edition

  155. Actually, I’m wondering why Lisa didn’t just marry Kirk Cameron and go all apocalypse with him, I imagine we will all be living very sparse lifestyles after the rapture. With or without dope.

    Cathy D.’s last blog post..About the end of the day

  156. If Lisa ever gets over herself and conducts the interview could you add a question for me. Can you ask her if she (as Blair) was totally pissed that Natalie got laid before her?

  157. My mom once tried to get me to stop sucking my thumb by dipping it in hot sauce. Kinda back-fired though…I thought that’s how you ate it. I’m tempted to go to the conference and try and get someone to switch her speech cards with these questions on cards. You know they don’t pre-read that shit before they go on…she’d just be counting on Holly to make sure everything is on the up and up..them BAM!! Cover me, God!!!

    Dorsey’s last blog post..Hard workin’ holiday!

  158. Square roots are entirely over-rated. Also, I can start an IV on you full of horse tranquilizers. Who’s the smart one now?

  159. Oh seriously. This has to be the funniest thing ever, Jenny. And I’m a Christian. I’d gladly answer your questions any day.

    Steph

    Adventures In Babywearing’s last blog post..Theme From The Bottom

  160. Lordy geez… I hope she’s as prudey as her character on TFoL was. Considering that she married a pastor and endorses “wholesome family values”, she is.

    In that case, I hope she fell off her chair reading those questions. What I wouldn’t give to have been there to see it, haha. Yet another virginal mother… deflowered.

    Rob’s last blog post.."In the Bloggess-Style"

  161. OMG even my Tootie is laughing.

    How to Party with an Infant’s last blog post..10 Alternatives to My Day Job

  162. That is the most hilarious “non-interview” I have read.
    Unfortunately, I was taking a sip of tea when I got to #2. It ended up coming out of my nose & onto my keyboard. Thank God it is one of the spill-resistant ones.

    Mandi’s last blog post..Man, I Feel Like A… Mommy.

  163. Why I’m going to Hell:

    Because I read things like Cover me, Lord and Bazooka of Salvation and after I am finished laughing I go and make dirty sexgame scenarios out of that.

  164. You are too funny!

    Lynn from For Love or Funny’s last blog post..Tricking kids ain’t easy

  165. 166
    Sir Didymus

    I just wanted to say when I first read “Lisa Whelchel is currently on tour with the Nation’s Largest Women’s Conference,” I read that as the conference with the nations largest women and then – lightbulb – I got the correct meaning. The first way is funnier to me? and brings up some weird questions.

    Also, when i was younger Blaire was the one I disliked the most because she was so uppity but i was torn because i really wanted to see her naked. Now? I think i am even more “I would so do her” because she is all pastoral and stuff? Which makes me think she is a natural hellcat with a lot of repressed sexual energy.

    Probably just me on this.

  166. OMG! You had me snortin’ and laughin’ in a most unbecoming fashion! I think the “cover me, lord” thing almost had me losing bladder control!!! THanks for the laughs. I bow to your blogging greatness!

    Ungirdled Passion’s last blog post..I’ve Fought The Lard, And The Lard’s Won

  167. Holy crap who knew “Hot Saucing” actually existed as a church sanctioned punishment. BY the way I know it’s been a good couple of years since I picked up the good book, but I don’t remember the Bible saying, Be good, don’t kill or I’m going to make you eat a volcano taco.

    My pyscho insane, super-religious SAHM friend does this to her kids. They confided in me the other day- sometimes they get into trouble on purpose cuz they’re now hooked to vinegar. Maybe I should give ‘em your sister’s number- dope might be healthier.

  168. Well, i don’t know about Lisa/Blaire but I don’t think Holly should be homeschooling.

  169. Greatest. Post. Ever.
    Glad I found you and not surprised you’re considered one of the top 50 bloggers out there.

  170. if i ever find myself in a fight, i’m going to start screaming “cover me lord with your bazooka of salvation!”. if nothing else, it will leave my attackers stunned long enough for me to run away.

  171. If i used to be famous, or even still was famous (i’m obviously NOT famous), I’d only allow you to interview me.

    Shanna’s last blog post..call it like it is

  172. I’m pretty sure I’m developing a crush on you.

    Katie’s last blog post..Maybe Britney wasn’t crazy, y’all.

  173. You know, I think the Holly lady was just intimidated by your awesomeness and awesome questions so she couldn’t pass it on to Lisa because she didn’t come up with them herself and she might get fired because you’re so much better at asking interesting questions.

    That’s totally it. Or you might have creeped her out but I’m going with the first option.

  174. dammit… i should have stuck with reading the blog post… because now i have barry manilow singing ‘i can’t smile without you’ stuck in my head!

    ugh.

    loved this potential interview… you ask the best questions!! lol

  175. [...] 15, 2009 This made me laugh this morning. Posted by mryoureonfiremister Filed in Uncategorized Leave a [...]

  176. Don’t feel bad. She’s MEAN. She’s written parenting books where she talks about pulling her little girl across the street by her hair because she wasn’t prompt enough and putting hot sauce on her kids’ tongues. She had a story about how her daughter was being raised so well that she came and asked to be beaten because she’d been bad and knew she wouldn’t feel better until she was punished.

    Ew.

    I’m with you about mothers not smoking dope, but there are worse things. Being a sanctimonious troll towards your kids, for one.

  177. The “Bazooka Of Salvation”. Holy crap, there are a lot of images one can conjur up hearing those words – did you visit the FLDS compound while you were in West Texas? Is that where you heard this?

    The world wonders.

    ~EdT.

  178. 179
    Cuz_I'm_The_Mom

    Oh, girl, you crack me up. If it weren’t for Carefree Panti-liners, I would not be able to read your blog.

  179. I wish your sister would comment and be all “Bitch, I KNOW how to buy dope!”

    Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy’s last blog post..Redhead Girl

  180. Jesus freakin’ H ..well you get it (don’t know if the publiscist did).. I can’t stop freaking laughing, and that’s not good considering I’m having tummy bug (aka crap-a-palooza) issues today.. TMI? I’d personally LOVE to see an interview with a stoned Blair. It would sure lend her more mommy cred in my book. And um if she could just help me figure out how to downsize my ass, and leave my freakin’ life out of it, that might help too. Maybe this should read more like “Lisa Whelchel, who has suffered from the Facts of Life curse, loosing her career, home, bling and reason for living… has found refuge in telling the rest of us how to better live our lives. After all who better to dole out the advice than someone who once had it all and now has to resort to hocking God on the internet for profit?” GREAT post.. I’m going to Hulu to set up a Fact of Life marathon.. cosmos at my place.. bring your own dope though!

  181. I think you should sue her for misrepresentation for making an appearance at “Nation’s Largest Women’s Conference” because I’m pretty sure that Lisa Whelchel is NOT among the world’s Largest Women.

    That’ll teach her for trying to get you to smoke dope in front of your kid.

  182. I bet Joe would have know where to get really Good dope. Tootie as well cause there was that One episode when Tootie pulled out like 4 bongs and Mrs. Garrison was all *gasp*. But, you know, Mrs. Garrison was a big Pothead. She started that bakery as a cover for her Growroom, I’m sure of it.

    As far as the Jesus/God/burning building thing……Like they need my help. That’d be like Superman saying, “hey. could you give me a hand lifting this Schoolbus off theses burning Children?” Of course, I’d be all..”Again, Superman, really?”

    Plus I’d be high.

    cIII’s last blog post..Incident, or….Classin’ up the Local Market

  183. Amanda @178 – read all the comments above yours. Jenny’s sister’s is in there somewhere. Probly.

    Mr Farty’s last blog post..Computer Terms Illustrated #30 – Updated

  184. Very true. She’s commenter 158. The one offering to get me horse tranquilizers.

  185. That would have been the greatest interview of all time. Clearly Blair is hiding something because you asked totally valid questions.

    Jessie’s last blog post..Grill or Be Shunned, Birthdays, and Life After Teenagers

  186. I bet Holly laughed her ass off. You know its printed near her desk and everytime she thinks about how stupid her client is, she reads it again. you should have your own barbara walters special, except without bawbwa.

  187. Jo totally would have answered the questions. She was a bit butch but dude, she da F.O.L. BOMB!

    rockin post; you rule.

    You take the good, you take the bad you take em both and there you have..

    marymac’s last blog post..Maryland Mommyblogger Madness

  188. My sister’s worthless. She’s never offered me horse tranquilizers.

  189. Okay, I don’t know if she can even get horse tranquilizers, but still.

  190. After teaching in the inner city for a few years, I can vouch for the practicality of having “dope” knowledge when teaching kids. It covers fractions, weights and measures, money, percentages….the possibilities are endless. I think your sister’s kids are getting a real “school to work” kind of education!

    Loved the post! (Was hoping you’d ask her about that whole hotsauce in the mouth controversy)

  191. DEAD. I’m dead from laughing. HARD. Thank you. :)

  192. Please tell me the square root of 81 is 9. If not, I’m going to have a helluva time getting through algebra or whatever.

    Fairly Odd Mother’s last blog post..What’s Your Bar Name?

  193. 194
    EveEnstler'sTwat

    Ohhhh, just for the record, the TV show “The Facts of Life” sucked so much it caused a sinkhole in China the size of Arkansas.

    Class AA piece of shit.

  194. I will be giggling myself to sleep. “COVER ME LORD” *gunshots – rang out like a bell* Holy crap. You are so damned funny. And inspirational (not really – don’t get a big head – sheesh – now Lisa Welchel…SHE is inspiratio…oh who the hell am I kidding? she’s not inspirational either).

    THANKS FOR THE FUNNY HONEY!

  195. There is a conference for the nation’s largest women! Is that discriminatory?

  196. fucking hilarious. i am a pastor’s wife and would totally have answered these questions for you.

    i think i like God better, because Alanis Morrisette played her in Dogma, and that is just badass.

    Emily’s last blog post..Masturbation Talk

  197. Phew- One more reason I”m glad I’m Jewish. No need to choose between God and Jesus!
    I laughed so hard at your questions but am not surprised little miss stuck up Blair refused to answer. Now Jo, she would have given you the business!

    Dating Trooper’s last blog post..Everything in its Place

  198. I just *might* have a small girl crush on you – that’s what happens when people make me laugh out loud like you just did. Priceless. I will now officially be stalking you at BlogHer. Just sayin’.

  199. i have the song wind beneath my wings’ in my head. cause you are so my effing Hero. awesome.

  200. So wait, you basically passed on the chance for the interview in exchange for laughs? I love you. But it’s good you did that to Blair and not Jo, because Jo would cut you for that.

    kittenpie’s last blog post..Lost Boy

  201. Holy crap! I wore sweaters and smoked dope in the 80′s too. I think that I also had ‘Blair hair.’

    Maybe if you offered her a few Xanax then she would have done the interview.

    Stacie Haight Connerty’s last blog post..How Obsessed with BlogHer are YOU?

  202. [...] Why you need to know who you’re marketing too.  It’s almost as bad as the whole Blair debacle. [...]

  203. OMG Thank you for this – I think I may have tinkled a bit in my undies but I’ll be smiling all day!

    fiona’s last blog post..Rockin’ Blogher ’09

  204. That was the best interview EVER.

    Jenni’s last blog post..Not so Wordless Wednesday: Boo Boo, the Story

  205. that was a pretty well rounded batch of interview questions, the only thing missing is probing her position on douche. You know, I bet had you asked about douche, they would have happily forwarded the questions on

    fidget’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Meet Tommy

  206. …(Fixed. I suck at cut and paste. ~Jenny)…
    Oh, please, sweetheart… don’t sell yourself short! ;)

  207. You are such an inspiration. When I think about all the fun I could have had with the weirdos who email me via my blog…. oh, well, next time.

    Jul’s last blog post..Drag queens, Jesus freaks, and lots and lots of artists

  208. I was laughing my ass off when I read this. One of my coworkers is a devoted Lisa follower. She also hotsauces her kids. She thinks hotsauce is ok, but I teach a 6 yr old the recipe for a Tom Collins and I am a bad mom. Cocktail mixing is a life skill people! (The Women of Faith did not buy this, at all) I wish she would have answered your questions. Then I could have hung it at my desk for all to see.

    PS- My daughter calls her vagina Bubbles. Reminds me of the green Powerpuff Girl, but whatever, I’m just jealous because I wish my vagina had superpowers.

    PPS- My favorite character was Jo, cause she was a badass. My husbands favorite was Jo, apparently she looks like she would give head. She would most likely know where to get killer “dope” from.

  209. holy christ you are fucking hilarious

    wheezy’s last blog post..Hi-Ho the Friday-O

  210. Now, that was some funny shit, oh can I say shit?

  211. Are you also running dontevenreply.com? Or is this just the male version of you? If this is you…you are awesome!!!!!

    Horse Farm
    Original ad:
    I am a 18 year old looking for a summer job. it is hard for me to find work and I just want a job so I can afford a car for college next summer. I can clean, babysit, answer phones, pretty much whatever as long as it pays!!
    From Mike Anderson to ***********@***********.org
    Hey,

    I saw your ad looking for work and I think I have a job for you! I am looking for an assistant on my farm for the summer. It will involve working outdoors. Let me know if you are interested.

    Mike

    From Stephanie ******* to Me
    Hi Mike! I am interested in your job! I love animals and used to ride horses so a farm would be great! what kind of work would I be doing, and where is your farm located? it needs to be close to ******** so my parents can drop me off and pick meup

    From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
    Stephanie,

    It is very close to **********. I’m glad to hear you are familiar with horses, because you will be primarily working with horses.

    My farm gets all the old horses that other farms don’t need anymore, and they are starting to take up a lot of room in my stable, which I want to turn into a garage for my new truck. Therefore, the horses need to go. As my assistant, you will be in charge of killing the horses and dumping them in the lake behind my farm.

    I used to have a captive bolt pistol (cattle gun) that I used to put them down, but it broke when I tried to use it to tap a keg. You’ll probably have to use my 12-gauge shotgun to put them down. Sometimes they don’t die right away when you shoot them, and will start freaking out. You just have to stay calm and keep shooting. Don’t worry, I’ll show you how to use the shotgun if you aren’t familiar with one.

    You then need to use my chainsaw to cut the horses into smaller parts that you can carry down to the lake. It can get a little messy, so I suggest wearing some clothes that you don’t care about, or some clothes that the horse blood would compliment.

    The lake isn’t mine, it is my neighbor’s. He gets kind of angry when he sees me dumping dead horses in his lake, so you have to make sure he isn’t around when you do it. I have some cinderblocks you can use to weigh the horses down so he won’t see them.

    I have a lot of horses, and each horse takes about an hour and a half to dispose of, so you should have plenty of work. The job will pay $15 an hour. When can you start?

    Mike

    From Stephanie ******* to Me
    omg that is HORRIBLE! That is truely awful and sick!! Why cant you just give the poor horses away? sorry but I am not helping you slaughter horses!!!

    From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
    Stephanie,

    I’m sorry if you are a bit surprised, but this is how farms work. You can’t give away old horses, you have to kill them. I thought about it, and if you don’t want to use the chainsaw to cut up the horses, you can just use my truck to drag them down to the lake. Do you have your license or permit? If not, this could be good driving practice for you. You don’t want to pass up on this great job opportunity.

    Mike

    From Stephanie ******* to Me
    No that is not how farms work you are just SICK! I am NOT interested

    From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
    Stephanie you are going to regret this some day when you try to get a real job. I think this would look great on your resume.

  212. Good God I laughed so hard I almost snorted coffee. Mega-love!

    Damn theme songs. Totally stuck in my head now, too.

    Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting’s last blog post..Kids Strange Sleeping Positions, Take Two

  213. I just tootied I was laughing so hard.

    Aimee Greeblemonkey’s last blog post..Mixed Feelings About Harry Potter & The Half Blood Prince

  214. you’re mean, and you made me cry..tears of laughter.

    You’re a genius, an evil one, but a person of indisputable cognitive supremacy.

    daphne’s last blog post..little-pp001.jpg

  215. thankyou.

    frogponsdrock’s last blog post..Half written posts,tears and fatty lumps.

  216. Just came across your blog from Someday Syndrome and I just about spit out my coffee laughing at this. Hilarious…you’ve got a new follower in me. I even sent it to my mom, who, even as a former Catholic nun, though this was the best blog post she’s seen yet. Anywhere.

  217. I love you. I miss you. I might have to “practice loss” in my daily routine so I can actually read you again.

    You’re brilliant. I’m not getting to see you at BH this week and I’m so sad not to share bathroom stall time with you. And I’m mad at you because you gave birth to Hailey during the Type-A Mom conference, so the one time we COULD meet, you’re choosing your kid over me.

    BTW, WHO THE HECK DO I THINK I AM?

    {{one who knew you before you were officially The Bloggess…a blogger with a determiner before her name…;) }}

    Robin ~ PENSIEVE’s last blog post..Blog Hop ’09…Be there or be square!

  218. [...] So this weekend at the Blogher conference I co-hosted the People’s Party and it was very nice because everyone there had to apologize for accusing me of making up Nancy W. Kappes (paralegal) because SHE FUCKING CAME.  This is where you should go read all the “Nancy W. Kappes is not my personal Tyler Durden” posts if you are already lost because this is about to get confusing even for me and if you don’t know the background you’re fucked and should probably just skip this and instead just read about the time I scared Blair from “Facts of Life“. [...]

  219. I call my Tootie a Natalie, because it wins the Kosher hot dog eating contest every year at spring break.
    .-= “Jo” Polniaczek´s last blog ..The Dad From "Uncle" =-.

  220. I was in a movie with Lisa Whelchel. I was an extra and the movie went straight to video. If you desire to see me, or Lisa, in the movie it is “Where The Red Fern Grows Part Two.” My husband was able to find a copy of the movie for me in a video store in Iceland while he was there on a military assignment. The guy at the video store sold him the barely rented movie for a whopping ONE BUCK.

    Lisa was rude frankly. She had left her shoes under her chair, I noticed and brought them over to her. She gave me a look as if I had offered her my own poop. I thought it odd, and very unChristianlike. A thank you would have been great.
    Chad McQueen on the other hand was a riot. He was also in the movie and took time to talk to all the extras. When I told him I was in school to become a social worker, he said, “When you get out, look me up. I always seem to need therapy.” Wilfred Brimley was also in the movie, but his character had died by the time my scene was filmed. I am in the funeral scene, standing directly behind Lisa Whelchel, In case you have a mad desire to go rent it on Netflix or something.
    .-= Parentopia Devra´s last blog ..Mommyblogger Product Review Guilt Syndrome =-.

  221. Holly needs to learn not to randomly Capitalize things.
    .-= Christine´s last blog ..Did I mention my calfs are full of spider bite welts? =-.

  222. Holy shit. Shame on me for not reading this sooner! And yes, the Facts of Life Song is now stuck in my head. Thanks for that. PS – I’m born in the 70′s (so don’t hate) xo

    Wendy recently posted Earplugs are condoms for the mind.

  223. I don’t understand…those are are very valid life questions! Even I had an answer for a few of them…

    Jess recently posted Give Me Your Thoughts- PLEASE!.

  224. 225
    who would have thunk

    The actors of the facts of life were in my life much longer than the hit situation comedy on the visually telegraphed network. While I can relate to your affinity to Lisa due to your *almost* interview here is my list of the top two cast members listed by the first name of the character they played on said hit TV show, a chording to ME :

    1) Blair and Jo
    2) Jo
    3) Blair

    and the list above reflects the facts of my life where spot #1 means the most number of times I thought of the character(s) with each subsequent ascending number representing the next most thought of character by ME.

    And this Jenny, is for the most part my situational thoughts in my head in reference to the majority of times I masturbated in my life’s entirety.

    sincerely,
    the one who went to the wrong address to get soap for holly

  225. 226
    Anonymous

    Lisa Whelchel had some problems tying her tie.

  226. I’ve always loved Lisa W on FOL. Your questions were immature and disrespectful.

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