I’m going to sell a ton of books as long as I don’t actually have to write them

Lunch conversation I had with Victor yesterday:

Me:  So my friend Rob says he’s having problems selling his book because no one’s buying anything unless it has teenage vampires in it.

Victor:  Huh.

Me:  So I’m going to add a whole chapter in my book about sexy teenage vampires.

Victor:  You’re going to add a chapter about teenage vampires in your memoirs?

Me:  Sexy teenage vampires.

Victor:  That’s pretty much the dumbest idea ever.  Besides, teen vamps are big this year but your book won’t be done this year.  You’ve been working on it for like five years now and you still haven’t finished it.

Me:  I see your point.  So  I need to come up with what will be hot in like 2012.

Victor:  That wasn’t my point at all.

Me:  OH MY GOD!

Victor:  Uh, we’re actually not alone in this restaurant.  Could you maybe keep it down?

Me: I JUST TOTALLY CAME UP WITH A GREAT IDEA FOR A BOOK.

Victor:  People are staring at you.  Seriously, how does that not bother you?

Me:  Okay, so this year it’s all about vampires, right? And next year it will probably be werewolves.  But I’m totally going to write a book about cereal box monsters.

Victor:  Wha…?

Me:  But set in the past BACK WHEN THEY WERE SEXY TEENAGE CEREAL BOX MONSTERS.

Victor:  This is exactly why people don’t like to go to lunch with you.

Me:  No seriously, like Count Chocula, and Frankenberry, and that mummy guy that I can’t remember the name of.  Except, were there any girl cereal monsters?  Because I definitely need a love interest.

Victor:  I think the Cocoa Pebbles thing was a girl.

Me:  What?  Ew.  Cocoa Pebbles was a baby caveman.  What the hell is wrong with you?

Victor:  Oh, I meant Cocoa Puffs.  That bird who was always cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs

Me:  Okay, first of all?   You can’t have Count Chocula screwing a damn bird. And secondly I’m pretty sure the bird was a dude.  No one’s going to be able to relate to a romance between a corpsey chocolate vampire and his gay bird lover.   I’m not even sure if that’s legal in America.

Victor:  I don’t even know why we’re having this conversation.  Could you please use your inside voice?

Me:  Wait, what about Frankenberry?  Frankenberry was a ghost, and ghosts can be girls, right?

Victor:  Frankenberry was a Frankenstein.

Me:  No.  I don’t think so.  I’m pretty sure it was a ghost.

Victor: Who’s the last ghost you saw that had bolts sticking out of the side of its neck?

Me:  Oh, right.  Well then who was the ghost?  Wasn’t there some asexual ghost cereal?

Victor:  No.

Me:  BOOBERRY!

Victor:  Seriously, I will walk out right now.

Me:  Sorry.  Booberry. That was the ghost.  I wonder if she was related to Frankenberry?  Like maybe she’s his little sister?

Victor:  Booberry was a boy.

Me:  No way.  Boo is totally a girls name.

Victor:  What?

Me:  Like Boo Radley.  Beloved female character from one of the best books of all time?  And also apparently the name of my main character from my upcoming book about cereal box teen angst.  It’s like the ghost of the chick who wrote To Kill a Mockingbird is ASKING me to write this thing.

Victor:  I’m pretty sure that’s not happening.  Plus, Boo was a guy in To Kill a Mockingbird.  Scout was the girl.

Me:  Are you trying to destroy my book?

Victor:  You know, I always thought the count from Sesame Street and Count Chocula were the same guy.

Me:  No way.  Sesame Street’s Count was all fat from sucking blood but Count Chocula was skinny because he didn’t want to eat you and would rather starve himself than drink your blood.  And he wanted you to have a healthy breakfast.  That’s why I loved him.  Because his angst was so palpable.

Victor:  He wasn’t really “skinny” as much as he was “pointy”.

Me:  He was pointy with LOVE. …Oh my God, that would make a great title.

Victor:  I’m not eating lunch with you anymore.

Me:  It’s going to be a sexy teenage cereal box character coma-drama-rama.  That’s my new word for something that’s half comedy, half drama, half romance.

Victor: (with his face in his hands)  That adds up to one and a half.

Me:  I KNOW it adds up to one and a half.  THAT’S HOW BAD-ASS THIS BOOK IS GOING TO BE.

Victor:  I’m going to be supporting you forever, aren’t I?

Me:  Probably.

Comment of the day: Booberry is totally a girl – the word boob is in her name. ~ Jessi

178 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I think you are on to something here….really, I mean it. I can’t wait until the movie version.
    .-= elizabeth´s last blog ..gilded sprinkles flat post earrings =-.

    Like

  2. I’m sure your book will be Grrrrreat! (Said in my most tigery voice…)
    .-= sadira´s last blog ..Chasing Summer… =-.

    Like

  3. so basically we just learned that victor is an enabler?
    .-= erin´s last blog ..open letter to sandy and tricia mcilree =-.

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  4. Maybe Rob could add a cereal monster chapter to his book, like in the epilogue, and that could be a prequel to your book, sending readers (and money) your way. And, it would introduce all the pre-pubescent girls who will eventually read your book to the world of cereal box monsters. Yes? Yes.
    .-= muskrat´s last blog ..my three-year-old can’t spin a yarn for shit =-.

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  5. That is actually an awesome idea!

    Like

  6. You know, not only would I have lunch with you, I’d buy that book.

    Let me know when it’s done. I might have a buck or two by then!

    Like

  7. OMG that was probably the funniest blog entry that I have read in the past MONTH… I was sitting here laughing my guts out and my kids babysitter was staring at me like I had lost my mind…. I so totally understand how you feel now!
    .-= Mamacakes´s last blog ..Most Embarrassing Email You Ever Sent? =-.

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  8. Tell Victor I’d pay to read your cereal list! You know, once you actually finish the *writing*, you’ve already got a huge freak base (fan base, whatever). You’re sort of an editor’s dream. As long as they don’t have to do business lunches with you.
    .-= Lori´s last blog ..Is your writing too hot for your computer? =-.

    Like

  9. Sneak Elvira in, if anyone could convince the entire populace that Elvira started as a sexy-teen-cereal-box-monster, you can.
    .-= Aria’z Ink´s last blog ..Hubby’s Ex-Boss Needs A Kick In The Crotch and I Predict Best Buy Will Be Going Out Of Business If They Don’t Change Their Ways =-.

    Like

  10. I totally thought you were going to right about wolves.
    .-= Marie´s last blog ..Downtown =-.

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  11. I will totally buy whatever you write even if its crap. I support you. It still counts if I wait until it’s in paperback right?

    Like

  12. I’d read it! LOL.. Oh, Fruity Yummy Mummy!! and the cartoon werewolf Fruit Brute.. but that one’s gone now.. Yummy Mummy is too for that matter.. but scary.. I knew the names of the ones you were talking about… ugg..
    .-= MommyBrain´s last blog ..Kenmore’s Crazy Cleaning Confessions =-.

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  13. Could you please come to Vancouver and give me and all my writer’s block-afflicted Creative Writing department failure friends a lesson in writing? Because, seriously? Your ideas in THIS ONE POST are better than anything I’ve had in years. So I imagine you could probably get super rich helping people discover their own unique stories. Except by “rich” I don’t mean “rich with money.” It’d be more, “rich in high self-esteem and maybe also roofies” because we’re creative writing grads and we don’t have shit to our names and we kind of hate ourselves. For taking creative writing. Also, Boo is totally a girl’s name. It was the name of the kid in Monster’s Inc.
    .-= emvandee´s last blog ..Fried green tomatoes, and I think it’s a sign. =-.

    Like

  14. Do some sort of twist with the Rice Crispy Boys.
    I would read that. Plus they’re ELVES so that’s entertainment all on it’s own. Fuck. This book is going to write itself!
    .-= Amber Mc´s last blog ..Birthday Watch 2009 =-.

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  15. The Rice Krispies characters look kind of fem, but I guess they aren’t really monsters, are they? Maybe just divas.
    .-= Jane´s last blog ..Personas =-.

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  16. Haha I think this might be my new favourite blog! Thanks for the laugh 🙂
    .-= Nayes´s last blog ..You Twit Face =-.

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  17. I think it’s safe to say that Cereal Box Lust from impressionable teenagers is waaaay more healthy than Young Stupid Vampires Lust.

    Like

  18. Am I the only female human totally mystified by the sexy vampire (teen or not) phenom? Ick. Give me cereal monsters, or cereal for that matter, any day.
    .-= leolabeth´s last blog ..Dear Senator Snowe: =-.

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  19. And also in reply to Amber Mc — the Rice Crispy Boys (elves, technically but it’s not like this book is high on accuracy in the first place), I’m definitely thinking we need a Rice Crispie Boys threeway…thing. OK. Well, I didn’t think this thing through but threesomes always catch people’s attention.

    Like

  20. Bwahahahaha. Fucking hilarious. What about the Leprachaun from Lucky Charms? He could be female under that green suit with luxurious, long red hair under the hat. Love interest!

    Like

  21. OK, so what you’re saying is that the whole children’s cereal industry is one big SAUSAGE PARTY??? Where are the female role models? Or is it that females are too smart to use cereal boxes as their role models so The Industry knows that and just ignores us and carries on with the sausage party. I’ll bet that’s it.

    I shouldn’t be all that shocked, I mean the same thing was happening down at Smurfville.
    .-= harmzie´s last blog ..For all the good this does… =-.

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  22. OMG, I would totally buy that book. Also, you could totally add a donate button onto your blog page. That way if people really enjoyed your blog they could show their appreciation and donate. Or if they thought Victor was being particularly mean they could donate to your getaway money fund. Or if they just wanted to show Victor that you could support yourself, then they could donate for that . . .
    .-= Cheryl´s last blog ..Awesomely Good Stuffed Shells =-.

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  23. I don’t think there are any girl cereal characters. How wrong is that? Unless you count Snap, Crackle, and Pop. We all know they were a little fruity. Along with those weird Keebler Elves, but now were just jumping aisles.
    .-= Jaci´s last blog ..It’s Official. We’ve hit the Poop Joke Stage. =-.

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  24. You could always add in a scene with a leprechaun, they know how to have a good time. And they can drink you under the table while stealing both your gold, lucky charms, & your heart (or maybe not your heart but your panties, they definitely know how to do that–wait that went over the line didn’t it?).

    And you know what I’m thinking that cereal boxes are sexist. I mean why aren’t there girls selling cereal in cartoon form?
    .-= beth aka confusedhomemaker´s last blog ..Step Right Up, My Breasts Do Amazing Tricks =-.

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  25. This is nothing short of brilliant. You know, I’m having trouble writing a personal statement for PA school…. maybe I should have you write it for me. It would be way more awesome that way.
    .-= Sarah´s last blog ..23 years in…. =-.

    Like

  26. I’m pretty sure Grease II was the original coma-drama-roma.

    Coma-drama-rama-ding-dong, or something like that
    .-= Katy´s last blog ..Pork Chops like Grandma Used to Make =-.

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  27. Um – now you have to hurry up and write it before some @sshole steals your idea and writes it in like a month – you see? Don’t TELL your ideas! That’s a new genre of literature now, the choco-drama-rama – heheh

    Go Write! Hurry!
    .-= Vennie´s last blog .. =-.

    Like

  28. LMAO – that is the best book idea EVER – I will totally buy it…but only if you at least mention the Count Chocoula Bird Love thing….
    .-= Jesse Jo´s last blog ..Join the Impact/Prop 8 is bullshit and here’s another person who agrees with me on that… =-.

    Like

  29. Add the Keibler Elves for the gay drama. They are not about cereal, but that is what makes them… queer.

    Like

  30. I did a post about what statues/monuments would bone, but cereal characters could be SO MUCH BETTER. If this chapter takes off you could branch out and write memoirs from their POW. Kind of like that creepy commercial where the vlasic pelican eats dinner with the jolly green giant and a bunch of other food mascots. or do they only show that commercial in WV?

    Anyway, it’s my favorite commercial and I think that this has endless possibilities to be awesome.

    Tony the Tiger making Captain Crunch snap, crackle, and pop?

    In one word: Yes.
    .-= Maxie´s last blog ..They Call Me Mellow Yellow =-.

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  31. The Daver wouldn’t let me name the baby “Boo.”

    Jerk.
    .-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..Strange (under) Currencies =-.

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  32. THAT WAS AWESOME!
    .-= Erika´s last blog ..New Grist!! =-.

    Like

  33. I think you’re ready for the world of “serial novels”.

    Someone had to say it.

    Like

  34. I love it when you make me laugh so hard I have to leave the room so my boss doesn’t catch me. You rock. Also, Booberry is totally a girl – the word boob is in her name.
    .-= Jessi´s last blog ..Not a Meme – But Still Friday =-.

    Like

  35. My husband and I have conversations like this all the time, but we try to keep it in private because we don’t want to be thrown into the looney bin. Straitjackets are so NOT stylish or attractive! Although, I’m pretty sure my husband would have a grand old time wearing one while bouncing around a padded room. I think most men would. What were we talking about again?
    .-= LB @Wait, She Said What?´s last blog ..I survived the spider attack and now people are asking me masturbation advice. =-.

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  36. Stephanie Meyer’s got NOTHIN’ on you. Seriously. You should totally become a young adult novelist! It’s the latest craze amongst authors anyway.
    .-= steen´s last blog ..Shiny and New =-.

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  37. Trix the Rabbit? Was that a dude or chick? They just always said “Silly Rabbit…”

    Anyway, not only would I go to lunch with you, I’d buy your lunch. And your margaritas! Unless you wanted Cocoa Puffs and Kahlua. Which, by the way, rocks. 🙂

    Like

  38. Hell, I’d buy it … as long as it’s packged with a FREE box of cereal. A girl’s gotta eat.
    .-= Akilah Sakai´s last blog ..Johnny Testicles =-.

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  39. If you are going to do cereal monsters, do you remember that cereal that was called Kaboom? It had a picture of a clown on it and was shapes of different colors with marshmallows in it. I swear the best cereal EVER. and clowns are scary in kind of a creepy way so I totally think this would fit into your cereal monster theme. I can’t seem to find that cereal anymore, not sure what happened to it. Maybe too many kids crying about this off brand cereal with scary clowns. Who knows.

    Like

  40. Seriously, just record your lunch conversations and have someone transcribe them into a book. It’ll at least sell enough copies to help pay for Victor’s therapy.
    .-= Steve´s last blog ..#76 Dumb Luck =-.

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  41. I think your on to something here…who doesn’t want to see how their favorite breakfast cereal characters, reacted to thier first time and all those other awkward high school firsts.. 🙂

    This might help you out (even tho I couldn’t find any VaJJ’s)
    http://www.freebase.com/view/base/breakfast/breakfast_cereal_mascot
    .-= Lil’ Woman ´s last blog ..My Little Man! =-.

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  42. I just read this out loud to my fourteen-year-old son. I’m pretty sure this makes me the worst mother ever, but that’s not my point. My point is that when I get done he says, “The Bloggess is made of WIN.”

    I would have to agree.
    .-= laurie´s last blog ..Because I Can’t Just Write "Eating a Sandwich Now" =-.

    Like

  43. Wow. When are you going to admit that you drove Victor batshit crazy and into an asylum years ago and that now the role of “Victor” is played by that voice in your head? Poor guy…

    Like

  44. victor know too much for his own damn good.
    .-= mylittlebecky´s last blog ..vacaaaaay she on (sound it out) UPDATED!!! =-.

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  45. I can’t wait! I’ll plan on getting a box of Depends. It’s going to be awesome.
    .-= sabrina´s last blog ..This is What Happens When You Try to Give A Bride Advice =-.

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  46. wow. you are the best story idea-er ever.
    .-= sour´s last blog ..for those of you i don’t know in real life =-.

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  47. That could TOTALLY be a comic strip!
    .-= Jules´s last blog ..Summer Favorites…. Oh how I Miss Summer Already…. =-.

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  48. Victor,
    I’m with ya. If you need a couch to crash on till this all blows over, like that’s gonna happen, you’re welcome at our place.

    Like

  49. I’d read it. Don’t forget to include Quisp and Quake.

    Sue
    .-= Sue´s last blog ..New Product in My Amazon Store – Summer Camp Memories All in One Place =-.

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  50. Maybe Beyonce will revamp her hit single for your soundtrack.

    I can’t stop singing it now. “Lookin’ all pointy in love, got me lookin’ got me lookin’ so pointy in love…”
    .-= Steam me up, kid´s last blog ..The third rule of cookies is I didn’t even notice any cookies. That’s how much I don’t care about cookies. =-.

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  51. Please tell me you have seen this.
    .-= LiLu´s last blog ..B Is Psycho, AKA We’re All Moved In! =-.

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  52. I’ll totally have lunch with you. What about Toucan Sam from Froot Loops? You could hook him up with the Cocoa Puffs bird, you know, if you’re trying to remain in a species. Though I’d be down for some intra-species coma-drama-rama
    .-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Just a Little Stress =-.

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  53. 53
    theblueskye

    i would totally read that book…but only if you keep the part about the gay bird lover cuz that cracked me the hell up

    Like

  54. I was totally SCREAMING, “ITS BOOBERRY” at the computer screen while I was reading the post. And I’m all like, I’ll save the day when I put it in a comment. Then you took all my thunder and remembered the name of the ghost. I’m totally depressed now.

    And Victor is right. It was a boy ghost.

    #ba rocks.
    .-= peedee´s last blog ..My Other Half =-.

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  55. Hell, I’d buy that book.
    .-= Liv´s last blog ..“If it tastes good, you should eat it. You should make it… =-.

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  56. you could have the trix rabbit in a murderous rage “TRIX ARE NOT JUST FOR KIDS DAMMIT!”.

    i demand 10% of the profits for my idea.
    .-= erin´s last blog ..open letter to sandy and tricia mcilree =-.

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  57. peedee (#53)…i totally read that as BOOBery. and i was wondering what in the hell you were talking about, and then i remembered these were comments for the bloggess’ blog and all was right with the world.

    /taking hits from the bong.
    .-= erin´s last blog ..open letter to sandy and tricia mcilree =-.

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  58. I totally want to have lunch with you now. I’m always using my outside voice and people are always telling me to shut up. Clearly they don’t understand the complexities involved in creative thinking….you must be loud.

    Pointy with Love…sounds like a good cereal box monster vampire teen angst dramedance to me.
    .-= MadWoman´s last blog ..Randomly Ridonculous Tuesday =-.

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  59. I would TOTALLY eat lunch with you any day.
    .-= Jaime | Fast Times´s last blog ..some monday jibberish and a lolz@ “too much boob” =-.

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  60. I got nuthin. Our cereal box monsters just rip off Noel Fielding. Badly.

    Wasn’t Boo-Boo a boy bear?
    .-= Mr Farty´s last blog ..No Representation Without Taxation =-.

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  61. i love you.

    love you, love you, love you, love you.

    the end.

    Like

  62. i love you.

    love you, love you, love you, love you.

    the end.

    Like

  63. I read Christopher Moores book, “You Suck” this weekend and I thought about you because I thought if you were to write a book the sort of characters that Moore has in his books would be the sort of characters you would have in yours. One of the Characters who self named herself Abby Normal because she was all Goth and stuff would talk like, “Then I was all, and then he was all…” and that is so you. Really.

    If you write a book and sold millions of copies you could so OWN Victor…well more than you do now anyway.

    Like

  64. P.S. if no one mentioned this…Strawberry Shortcakes had a cereal I think, but she wasn’t a monster or a ghost.

    Like

  65. Um… I don’t think Harper Lee is dead yet. So you should totally call her and see if she wants to collaborate. Don’t feel bad if she says no; she hates publicity and it is clear this idea will rock the literary world.

    Like

  66. You know…I was only reading this blog for the last two years because I wanted to be the “comment of the day”…But NOW I KNOW you are a literary genius.
    .-= Kerrie´s last blog ..1827 Days =-.

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  67. ummmm inside voice?? wow. i dont think i ever realized there was one. humf.

    we should totally have lunch together.

    it would rock. (and be loud).
    .-= Amanda´s last blog ..Single Mothers Have No Money =-.

    Like

  68. True conversation. Husband and I were discussing “running away” and living somewhere besides Minnesota, aka “The Land that Summer Forgot.” To me, Texas is the obvious choice, despite the plenitude of Republicans, because Cross Canadian Ragweed is based near Austin and play a LOT in TX, as opposed to MAYBE once a year in MN, and we LOVE them, and if I’m ever rich I will either follow them like a Dead-Head or hire them to play private concerts for me once a month. However, hub said, “No, as perfect as it would be, we can NEVER live in Texas.” I said, “What, is it the Republicans?” He said, “No. The Bloggess lives in Texas.” Me: “Yeah! Isn’t that awesome??” Him: “No. The two of you must never meet.”

    I have no fucking idea what he meant by that, but if you see a phone number with a 763 area code on Victor’s phone, suspect a plot.
    .-= Lori´s last blog ..Accidental Movie Reviews =-.

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  69. 69
    moonshine molly

    Well if you can’t find any girl cereal monsters you could always just have gay cereal monsters. That’d be totally hot.

    Like

  70. Dude, not to kill the buzz of this kick-ass post, but Boo wasn’t the “beloved” anything in To Kill a Mockingbird. Scout was the beloved little girl, Jem was her cute older brother, and Boo Radley was the creepy mentally handicapped creeper dude that lived in the scary house next door to them. Just sayin’.
    PS–not all mentally handicapped people are creepy. Well, they sort of are to me, but I’m a huge bitch, too, and I get creeped out easily.

    Like

  71. I’m with Victor, that whole thing would have been better if you said it in a whisper.
    .-= Molly´s last blog ..Tiger Inn, Loreauville, Louisiana =-.

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  72. Glad to know I’m not the only one who has to be told by her husband to use her inside voice in public. And stop talking about her crotch.
    Oh, wait, that second part’s just me.
    .-= MonsteRawr´s last blog ..Fuck you, Universe! =-.

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  73. Has it really taken 70 comments for one of your readers to realize Boo Radley was a developmentally disabled man? geez people.

    Like

  74. I would totally buy that book. Screw the teenage vampires and werewolves…I like that you’re thinking ahead! LMAO!

    Like

  75. I never realized how sexist cereal was…damn you General Mills…DAMN YOU!

    Like

  76. perhaps, the cocoa puffs bird seeks out Count Chocula as an act of rebellion from the parents who promised him to tucan sam…. maybe save that for the spin off fan fictions 🙂

    Like

  77. I just spent the last several minutes laughing my ass off….

    Like

  78. i would love to have lunch with you if victor wont go. Would that trix rabit be considered a monster cause that rabit is a crazy stalker.
    .-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Easy like sunday mornnnnning =-.

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  79. The only thing I can disagree with in your whole thought process is the fact that Harper Lee is still alive. I’m taking myself off to the psych ward tomorrow morning.
    .-= a´s last blog ..Show and Tell =-.

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  80. a short lived career in vanity cereals, “yummy mummy” didn’t have as long a shelf life as his cereal counterparts.

    some inspiration for your chapter…. follow the link:

    i have a print of this painting hanging in my kitchen. it’s part of a balanced breakfast.

    Like

  81. My husband sorta laughed when I read him the part about Victor lamenting having to support you forever because … he can relate.
    .-= annie´s last blog ..10 Films a Stolen Meme =-.

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  82. I read through all the comments and I can’t believe that no one mentioned Breakfast of the Gods, which is like your book except that it’s already written: http://www.webcomicsnation.com/poyorick/botg/series.php?view=archive&chapter=10960

    Like

  83. oh gawd, jenny, i love you… in a totally NOT screwing the gay bird kind of way – not that there’s anything wrong with that. probably. i have these conversations with people, but i never remember them later so my attempts at recreation go along the lines of “then i said something and he looked at me weird and i laughed” and it doesn’t flow nearly as well.

    have you seen dr. horrible yet? omg, it made me laugh like your posts do! you should check it out – it’s on hulu.
    .-= Ericka´s last blog ..Treasure =-.

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  84. If you let Count Chocula have sex with the Cuckoo Bird, Pat Robertson will be right. You don’t want that, do you?

    Like

  85. I totally need to take you with me to the 5 star hotel that just screwed me over.

    Scare the bitches into compensating me for the housekeeper walking in on us TWICE while we were like reading the bible and stuff. Naked.

    Or just stand at the door warning people about impending cereal monsters.

    Like

  86. Just print this post and all the comments and snap, crackle, pop your book is totally done.
    .-= Jenny Rebecca´s last blog ..Please Stop Apologizing… =-.

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  87. The alien from Quisp cereal. Anal probes. Just throwing that out there.

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  88. They totally stole your idea. Retrospectively. Which is Latin for ‘Dibs’.

    http://www.webcomicsnation.com/poyorick/botg/series.php?view=archive&chapter=10960

    Like

  89. I would totally buy your book if you threw in the guy from Lucky Charms ! I love that guy!

    Like

  90. Just wanted to say hi, regular lurker here. I read these wonderful little conversations to my husband over the breakfast table (better than newspapers) and I have to thank you. It totally makes our marriage feel normal and not nearly as screwed up as we worry it is sometimes.

    Love to you and Victor,
    Strange Mamma
    .-= Strange Mamma´s last blog ..Check out the Strange Fit =-.

    Like

  91. I fully support Pointy With Love. What’s better than a coma-drama-rama? Especially with cereal box monsters? We have movies about PLASTIC TOYS, why not a book about cereal box monsters?
    .-= Lyndsy´s last blog ..Lyndsy: 1, Tiger Mountain: 0 =-.

    Like

  92. My general rule of thumb is to never pay for a book written by a blogger, but for you I will make an exception. Even if it’s crap. For some weird reason I’d like learn more about you and see you do well. Don’t fuck it up by being a serious bitch. I’m serious. I don’t have a ton of money to drop on unproven authors. Thanks. No hard feelings, right? So I guess this is more of a begrudging exception.

    Like

  93. Victor needs t understand that people love it when other people talk loudly in a restaurant. Then they don’t need to strain to hear their conversation. And this as definitely an interesting conversation – it’s like hearing Spielberg share his ideas on a new movie. back when Spielberg was still making good movies.
    .-= Elisa´s last blog ..Missing you. And you and you and you. =-.

    Like

  94. Oh and you could make Cap’N Crunch the antagonist of your book, but only he would be younger so he would be more of a Priv’t Crunch. But wait he is in the navy, what do they call the lower ranked Navy people? Ens’n Crunch? Or would it be Seam’n Crunch? Seam’n Crunch , wow the sound of that would totally NOT sell cereal unless they added P’nut Butter because P’nut Butter Seam’n Crunch would make it easier to swallow.
    .-= William´s last blog ..Model =-.

    Like

  95. Now if only I can talk my hubby into $upporting me!
    .-= tokenblogger´s last blog ..Get this hat with your paid FORBES subscription! =-.

    Like

  96. 96
    Anthony Dalby

    Hells bells, if someone can put a bolt through Frankenstein’s neck, giving him a sex change should be as easy as baking a fruit cake!!!, you just got to decide what to do with the bits left over…….that could be the start of a whole new book!!

    Like

  97. Not only do you have the best and funniest blog around, but your comment section is brilliant! I generally get at least as many laughs as from your post!

    Thanks again
    .-= truestarr´s last blog ..August is speeding to a close =-.

    Like

  98. why not sexy teen age ninjas?! btw, saw this recently and thought of your ninja stories…http://ninjerktsu.blogspot.com

    Like

  99. Speaking of sexy vampires, have you seen this one? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-Wd-Q3F8KM You’ll never see the Count in the same way again!

    Like

  100. omg where do you guys eat lunch i have to go there and listen to this for myself i was laughing so hard they almost had to call security to net me and haul me off to the looney bin b/c after all nobody would laugh so hard so early in the morning and maybe you can answer a question that has been bugging me for a long time IS THE QUISP CHARACTER A BOY OR A GIRL AND IF IT IS A GIRL WHY DO THEY CALL IT QUISP AND NOT QUISPETTE!?

    ~EdT.
    .-= EdT.´s last blog ..Hell’s Kitchen: Two Steps Back =-.

    Like

  101. Please finish your book soon. I must buy it. Now.
    .-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..Quality time gut check =-.

    Like

  102. As a huge fan of all things cereal AND reading, this could potentially be my favorite book of 2012.
    .-= doahleigh´s last blog ..I need a nap after that weekend. =-.

    Like

  103. the Mayans think the world is going to end in 2012 (you know the whole Mayan calendar ends there) and if they are correct, your book may never come out, so please shoot to complete and publish the book by 2011. I am also a slow reader so early to mid 2011 so I can finish it by the end of the world.
    .-= William´s last blog ..Model =-.

    Like

  104. I would stand in line over night to buy a book about a chocolate vampire and his gay bird lover…just saying.
    .-= Buggys´s last blog ..I Love This Award! =-.

    Like

  105. I don’t think there are any female cereal box characters…but that’s ok because the gay dramas will be so in by 2012. Make it a political coma-drama-rama and have all the characters give their view of Prop 8. Because gay cereal box characters diserve equal rights to love too!
    .-= Lauren G.´s last blog ..Marlowe Monday ~ week 5 =-.

    Like

  106. I’ll release a companion music CD. It’ll be like Morrissey meets Bette Midler meets Marilyn Manson. But blues. The cover art can be the Scream done in cereal (Froot Loops would be good for the mouth going O). Hailey can make you a wig made out of a cereal box. and you can be in the video we’ll release on YouTube.

    Like

  107. I’m suddenly curious as to what kind of protection Cereal Monsters would use during sex.

    Also? Corn Porn. Is there a market? Probably.

    Fuck.
    .-= JChevais´s last blog ..The Audacity =-.

    Like

  108. The Honey Nut Cheerios bee *must* have some kind of supporting role. Like it could do the bidding of the cereal monsters by going to sting their prey. And get some of those mini-shredded wheat things with the stick arms and legs to be like the cereal mob. YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!

    Like

  109. I will so totally have lunch with you. And you don’t need to use your inside voice. 🙂

    Like

  110. Victor’s right. Baby Leprechauns will replace teen vampires by 2012. I read about it in a dream. In a magazine about bagels. Talking bagels. My dream periodicals are way better than the rags at the grocery store. Oh, and I read your book on baby leprechauns, too. Fucking genius.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Why I love the UFC =-.

    Like

  111. OMFG that was awesome! I nearly peed my pants. I decided I HAD to read this to my husband…not that I had to read it to him because he is illiterate but because he is too busy playing Xbox 360 (ASS). He didn’t laugh once! Maybe that’s b/c he totally realized it was a conversation that he and I could potentially end up having and didn’t want to encourage me. Too bad for him that it got the wheels in my head turning and I went on like a 10 minute rant about gender inequality in the world of breakfast cereal (with examples of cereal icons) and then my Mom called and she wanted to know what I was up to so I explained and she seemed a bit concerned for the well-being of my six month old daughter..which is totally stupid b/c she doesn’t even eat regular cereal yet, just baby rice cereal and I have been assured that the Gerber baby is in fact a girl so SCORE! Really though, it would be totally wrong to make the Gerber baby girl a romantic interest unless you were going to age and then bring in her angst about the entire world seeing her baby picture all the time. OH you could make her all goth and scary as 20 something rebelling against her baby cuteness and put her in some May/December romance with the Quaker Oats guy. I think it’s time for me to go take some of my sparkly meds…they are regular pills but I roll them in glitter to make them pretty :oD

    Like

  112. “coma-drama-rama”

    When Victor divorces you, I’ve got a room waiting.
    .-= Robin~PENSIEVE´s last blog ..Southern Living magazine. FIVE DOLLARS!! Giddy up!! =-.

    Like

  113. Your friend Rob thinks this idea is genius.

    Like

  114. You’re moderating comments?

    YOU’RE MODERATING COMMENTS?!?!

    Oh, my…now THAT’S funny!
    .-= Robin~PENSIEVE´s last blog ..Southern Living magazine. FIVE DOLLARS!! Giddy up!! =-.

    Like

  115. Hate to throw in a monkey wrench here, but I’m pretty sure you may have clouded several different cereal manufacturers in your quest for a scoop (get it? “cereal scoop”?) Anyway … I think you may have a legal battle on your hands before you get the go ahead for the book idea. And by then, you may have to change character names. Count Chocula will now be called Duke of Cocoa. Kinda loses it’s appeal, doesn’t it?
    .-= Em´s last blog ..Wedding Planning = Trial & Error =-.

    Like

  116. The cereal mummy’s name is Yummy Mummy. And the mummy was pink. I am pretty certain Yummy has to be a girl being rapped up in pink cloth and all.. But then again, look and frankenberry. I think these marshmellow madness cereal monsters suffer from serious identity crisis’s.
    But at any rate.. I think this cereal monster epic novel idea is great. You can tie in your teen werewolf easily with Fruit Bruit. He too was a cereal monster. You know, For all the kids who didn’t get there fill 20 years ago with Michael J fox in Teen Wolf.
    .-= http://www.therantsofrian.blogspot.com´s last blog ..Everything you want to know and then some plus 37 =-.

    Like

  117. Good Lord, woman! Your blog is sensory overload! I’ll have to refrain from reading it at work because my co-workers were eyeing me suspiciously as I tried to contain myself.
    .-= EB´s last blog ..XLIF One Year Post-Op =-.

    Like

  118. Ok…first of all that’s the best idea for a book I’ve heard all day. Granted it’s the only one I’ve heard today, but still…I’ll buy it.

    Second, I never noticed how sexist the ceral industry was until this post. All of the characters are male. I’m boycotting cereal. Actually, I’ll just continue to buy store brands because they are cool and not sexist and I’m too poor to afford to have characters on my cereal box anyway. But in my mind I will be boycotting the cereal industry for their sexist ways.
    .-= Jen´s last blog ..Munchie Mondays – Tangy Cauliflower =-.

    Like

  119. I’d totally buy that book — and watch the movie, too!
    .-= cryitout!´s last blog ..A very public experiment: Part 9 =-.

    Like

  120. I cannot belive how hard this post made me laugh. Thank you so much for that!
    .-= Jody´s last blog ..My animals are making me nuts =-.

    Like

  121. I wasn’t allowed to eat most of those ‘monster’ cereals. But I really needed a laugh and you came through with flying colors. As usual. Thanks!
    .-= castocreations´s last blog ..Just Two More Days! =-.

    Like

  122. Count von Count from Sesame Street is NOT FAT. He just has a really round head. Sorry if I seem defensive about that but I have a round face myself so I know what it’s like when people make that mistake. I would hate for the Count to develop some kind of eating disorder because of something you said. That would be tragic.
    .-= Bejewell´s last blog ..We Got a New Refrigerator But Our House Rejected It Like a Bad Kidney =-.

    Like

  123. Cocoa Pebbles was a cereal – it was Fruity Pebbles’ chocolate version. Not to be confused with Cocoa Krispies.

    I guess I should go ahead and share that I’m *kind of* a big deal in the cereal industry.

    Like

  124. am I the only one who read Booberry as BOOB-ery? and I was all “Boob-ery is totally a girl – hello – BOOB!” and then I was all “Oh, Boo-BERRY” but that’s still pretty feminine, unless maybe they spelled it “boo-Barry” then he could be a jewish ghost. I think Victor is just jealous of your book. men are total assholes when it comes to awesome ideas they didn’t think of. they are also total assholes when it comes to putting the fucking toilet seat down. but that’s another book…

    Like

  125. Who’s Rob Kroese?
    .-= bubbajambs´s last blog ..It’s the trees….THE TREES! =-.

    Like

  126. Is there any room for Pebbles in the array? I’m pretty sure she grows up to be a slut. WHO happens to sleep with cereal box monsters! I’m pretty sure that’s the best idea I’ve ever had.
    .-= Motherofthemonth´s last blog ..Blogging: The New Passive Agressive =-.

    Like

  127. Do you know how lucky we are to have men who will listen (sometimes until the very end) to our crazy babble? I get a kick out of embarassing mine. It makes me laugh and laugh.
    .-= Martie´s last blog ..That Vacation That We Just Went On Wasn’t So Bad After All… =-.

    Like

  128. The little leprechaun from Lucky Charms is totally down for a three way.
    .-= ZDub´s last blog ..What In The Damn Hell. =-.

    Like

  129. Now I can’t get “They’re magically delicious” out of my head….thanks.

    Like

  130. I think you should throw in a chapter about Diggum the Sugar Smacks Frog and how he is really a she but had to dress up as a boy frog to get hired in the male-dominated cereal mascot world. You could show him taping down his frog boobs and stuffing a frog sock in the groin area of his frog pants. It’s gold I tell you. GOLD.

    Like

  131. I will buy your book, and re-publish said chapter as an excerpt on my blog to get more people to read your book, if you and Count Chocula have sex.

    I’m just sayin’.
    .-= Coal Miner’s Granddaughter´s last blog ..Investigating History =-.

    Like

  132. I think this To Kill a Mocking Bird ghost might be a real thing. For no reason, I’ve found it impossible to fight the urge to shout, “Boo Radley” at all times of the day. Then I read your posts and see you’ve been plagued by Boo as well. Hmmm… just seems odd. What is Boo up too?!!

    Like

  133. I always thought that Count Chocula and the Sesame Street Count were the same too!
    .-= Prosy´s last blog ..Things I Hate Today =-.

    Like

  134. Wow…it’s like you’r reading my mind. I just finished the Twilight books and was thinking that someone should really corner the cereal box monsters market. It’s a veritable goldmine! Good luck with it!!!
    .-= The Suburban Life´s last blog ..Suggestions please…How to Keep a Little Boy Busy =-.

    Like

  135. If they had a cereal sponsored by True Blood, you could have vampires and whateverthehell Mary Ann is. Because she causes people to join into orgies just by doing some weird dance.
    .-= WineWonkette´s last blog ..It’s a Small World After All… =-.

    Like

  136. Don’t forget to throw Captain Crunch in there to round out all the fun! He’s not really a cereal box monster, but if you squint just right he’s scary enough.
    .-= Angi´s last blog ..Passage of time =-.

    Like

  137. If I had been eating cereal while reading your post I would have snorted the milk out my nose. Remember, if the whole cereal box monster thing doesn’t work out, you could write something about the President, just in time for his reelection: a ‘Bama-coma-drama-rama.
    .-= Elizabeth´s last blog ..A Legacy He’d Like =-.

    Like

  138. I SO have to use coma-drama-rama in an everyday conversation! You are brilliant!

    You’re probably too young to remember Quisp and Quake? Quisp was an alien (an adrogynous alien?) and Quake was a miner. Creepy little dudes. Quake got voted off the cereal island and went to live in obscurity somewhere in Australia. There’s a story in there somewhere…

    And Boo is too a girl’s name. Monster’s Inc. Sully’s favorite little human.
    .-= Mamasoo´s last blog ..NaBloPoMo #25- Stuck on You =-.

    Like

  139. Brilliant idea! I loved Count Chocula and have always wanted to know more about his life. I would absolutely buy a book about SEXY TEENAGE CEREAL BOX MONSTERS. Who wouldn’t?! Except for Victor…
    .-= Vikki´s last blog ..Lesbian Merit Badges =-.

    Like

  140. I totally had this idea first!! I can’t believe you stole it from me. 😛

    Like

  141. Oh my God! Your blog always makes me laugh, but this one? I had tears streaming down my face and was trying to stifle it–my work is pretty uptight, laughter is not authorized. How hysterical! The thing is, I can totally hear myself having this conversation with my husband or best friend. Way cool!!
    .-= Janie Woods´s last blog ..I think I’ve seen this guy before….. =-.

    Like

  142. You must call the book CEREAL KILLERS, and Tony the Tiger should be on the cover wearing like Hannibal Lecter’s mask. And you’re right– what’s up with the chick discrimination in cereal? You may have to have like Smurfette, Aunt Jemima and Little Debbie come by and kick some ass just to represent.
    xoxo and you rock so hard it makes me want to quit blogging and just run a link to your blog three times a week!
    .-= marymac´s last blog ..Attack of the Killer Mombies =-.

    Like

  143. You could go brokeback with the cereal box monsters.

    “Count Chocula, I sure wish I could quit you.” –Captain Crunch
    .-= LA Cochran´s last blog .."’Cause I don’t believe you" –Crack the Sky =-.

    Like

  144. I think I love you. I am sitting in my own personal flash back to “cereal of the 80’s.” And I found a website: http://www.inthe80s.com/cereal/

    Dude. Remember Cookie Crisp? And Captain Crunch? I think you could TOTALLY take this somewhere – ala Ghostbusters.

    I’m just sayin’
    .-= shelli´s last blog ..boom! =-.

    Like

  145. For the record… BOOBERRY was my FAV cereal growing up. I even collected enough box tops to get the towel to prove it… AND I believe my Mom still has it!

    I’d do lunch with you if you still loved me… or still worked here. But now your famous and one of those demented writers……. Alas I’m the dejected work lover.

    Like

  146. Should I be scared that I was right there with you the whole way? I’m a little scared right now…
    .-= Nap Warden´s last blog ..No Internet! =-.

    Like

  147. I’ve always thought that dining out was underrated for how dangerous it can be . . . . . .
    Thinking, too.

    Combining the two could be lethal…!.

    Like

  148. I’m always bummed when I’m late in here. It’s like 150 people already got to laugh and I’m coming late. Yeah, it doesn’t have to make sense.
    .-= Carolyn Online´s last blog ..Ding. Dong. =-.

    Like

  149. I am literally laughing my ass off. Oh, well not literally because then my ass would be smaller, and it would shrink every time I read your blog. But you get my point. “coma-drama-rama” is hilarious. I love it.
    .-= Mandi´s last blog ..Concerts, Contests, and Sleeping Through The Night =-.

    Like

  150. You really are crazy! And you make me laugh everytime I read your blog.

    Like

  151. Cereals I can remember with girl characters on the cover: Cabbage Patch Kid cereal, Strawberry Shortcake cereal, and my husband said Mary Lou Retton was on a Wheaties box…..
    .-= Stephanie´s last blog ..Yup.mmhmmm =-.

    Like

  152. You are so right! It has to include sexy teenage vampires and probably Michael Jackson. Definitely best seller. 🙂
    .-= hiphophippie.com´s last blog ..Summer – You Hot Bitch =-.

    Like

  153. Did you know that there’s an actor named BooBoo Stewart and he’s going to be in one of the sexy-angsty vampire movies? I only wish I was kidding. http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1559927/
    .-= Just Shireen´s last blog ..Time the Fuck Out =-.

    Like

  154. I think you should make your first chapter be the prize inside the cereal box for marketing purposes. Tie-ins are big now. Plus Frankenberry turns the milk pink like very anemic blood. It’s genius.
    .-= ajnabi´s last blog ..Lamhe, or, Celebrate the Moments of Two Lives… =-.

    Like

  155. I honestly think people would buy that.

    “coma-drama-rama.” sounds like it would put you in a drama coma.
    .-= Angie´s last blog ..Project– Evil Kitty Tattoo =-.

    Like

  156. Victor is a patient man! Wasn’t there a cereal monster called Victor? Had no idea there were so many; only 1 I can remember is a friendly Tiger. Looking forward to this book, assuming I live long enough!
    .-= Drolgerg´s last blog ..Agony With Aunty Drolgerg =-.

    Like

  157. I love how your conversations with Victor always seem to detour into Kafkaland. Except I thought BOOBERRY was going to be the sexy teenage girl vampire character with cleavage. I’ll look for you on the NYT bestseller list!

    Like

  158. I would so buy that book!
    .-= Karen´s last blog ..I may be bad at math but uh =-.

    Like

  159. With regard to Count Chocula, are you sure it was his angst that was palpable? I always thought it was his obvious addiction to marijuana……
    .-= HA Guy´s last blog ..How To Know It’s Time For Rehab =-.

    Like

  160. I see a screen play for the book already! Are you going to have a John Hughes version of this post. He’s the master of making screen plays fueled by teen angst. You know…I wonder if he ever ate Cookie Crisp while writing his movies?
    .-= Kenmore Social´s last blog ..‘Fess up to win a Kenmore Appliance! =-.

    Like

  161. Oh My God! I just found you, randomly, and you’re so F-ing funny! I had to put my hand over my mouth so I wouldn’t spit my coffee out while reading! Great job, I’m subscribed and following on twitter!
    .-= Megan Dorsey´s last blog ..Sinewy Muscles =-.

    Like

  162. Great book idea Bloggess, I’m behind you all the way! Have you thought of working in Capn Crunch? He’d make a great tragic villain don’t you think, or the Trix rabbit who was never able to have any cause apparently Trix are not made for rabbits even though some evil son of bitch in marketing thought it would be funny to have a RABBIT hawking the stuff on TV! That’s injustice.
    .-= residuetiger´s last blog ..Potentially Annoying Words =-.

    Like

  163. Sesame Street’s Count was all fat from sucking blood.

    Nah, he didn’t suck blood–he ate “ala peanut butter sandwiches!”
    .-= MaNiC MoMMy´s last blog ..aFTeR You BY JuLie BuXBaum =-.

    Like

  164. […] reminds me of the time The Bloggess decided to write a story about sexy teenage cereal monsters. Only different. This all makes sense in my head, but it probably doesn’t sound that good in […]

    Like

  165. Holy shit!! I am just now reading this and did you realize your book idea was TOTALLY hijacked by those people who make those damn “Monster High” dolls!!! DUDE!!! You should SUE!

    Like

  166. Just googled corpsey chocolate vampire and found this hilarious post from before I started following you. I always liked Booberries as a kid and now I’m worried that means I’m a lesbian and I never knew it.

    Like

  167. Damn it, now I need some count chocula..

    Like

    Angelina recently posted crap.

  168. “No one’s going to be able to relate to a romance between a corpsey chocolate vampire and his gay bird lover.”

    I may not be able to relate, but I would read the shit out of that book.

    Like

  169. “Victor: That’s pretty much the dumbest idea ever. Besides, teen vamps are big this year but your book won’t be done this year. You’ve been working on it for like five years now and you still haven’t finished it.

    Me: I see your point. So I need to come up with what will be hot in like 2012.”

    You are officially a Prophet. Seriously, you predicted the exact year your book would come out. AND IT TOTALLY CAME TRUE.

    Like

    Jody recently posted And then I changed my mind again. Y'all should be used to that by now, right?.

  170. Jim, they are amazing, but Im becoming less in love with them for racing. Theyre never spot on with the mile markers (at least where I live), so I just use it as a watch, hitting the lap button at each clock. Then I play with the splits afterwards in SportTracks (excellent free program!) where you can adjust any errant gps points.

    Like

  171. You may not realize this but you preditcted the year your book would come out in this post. I think you can now officially put psychic on your resume.

    Like

  172. 174
    Lady Penelope

    I smell a conspiracy. I am totally going to look in the cereal aisle for female characters now.

    Like

  173. 175
    Lady Penelope

    Okay, so I’ve now looked down the cereal aisle (and yes, I do know this is a really old post and no one is reading this but me – as is made evident by the fact I was the last comment and 2 weeks later it’s still me … and I’d like to point out that I have actually been to the supermarket a couple of times since the first comment but I forgot to look down the cereal aisle; I am not a hermit who only goes to the supermarket once a month. Also, whilst I am writing an ‘aside’, I am aware this entire venture does not help my OCD. But thanks. And stop judging me)
    and I have the following to report;

    The closest I found to any sort of female character was a body made out of oats on a cereal for digestion.
    It was stretching in a yoga position and I’m not even sure if it was supposed to be female.

    The hell cereal company advertisers? The HELL?

    Like

  174. Cool! I too just noticed you are psychic in addition to being hilarious. After finishing the book (in 2012) I set myself the lofty goal of reading the entire blog, from start to finish. Imagine my shock to see you predicted when I would read it, to a T!

    Like

  175. Brilliant.

    Like

    Girl to Mom- Heidi recently posted Mommy, We Can Do Anything.

  176. […] the left mean?’ ‘Oh, um. I think it means he wants to rim you while you eat a bowl of Booberry and watch Scooby-Doo […]

    Like

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