This day is filled with holidays I don’t really understand.

So today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day and I don’t really have anyone to talk piratey to because Victor’s not into it and Hailey is too little to understand so instead I thought I’d piratize my blog for the day and so I put the first paragraph of my last post through the Post Like a Pirate Translator and it came back with this:

So ’tis mornin’ I went out to to check on th’ miraculous boobie mushroom ‘n it was fuckin’ gone. ‘n I was a wee upset because I’m pretty sure me neighbor stole it to sell on ebay but I just said a wee prayer (in th’ form ‘o me flippin’ off me neighbor’s ship) thankin’ God fer lettin’ me spy wit’ ye eye th’ miracle boobie if only fer a short the hour. It’s like it was a sign that life be fragile, or that I’m waterin’ th’ lawn too much. Then th’ really weird shit-barnacles happened. Yesterday several ‘o me readers pointed out that th’ miracle boobie was probably a sign from St. Agatha, who be best be knowin’ fer bein’ th’ patron saint ‘o breast cancer after she dedicated her life to God ‘n then had her boobs cut off by some jerks fer not whorin’ around ‘n then God healed her. But then she died anyway. Tis complicated.

And that was kind of awesome but then I was all “Hang on.  This totally sounds like a leprechaun wrote this”.  And that’s when I realized that leprechauns and pirates sound exactly the same.  And they both are obsessed with their treasure.  And also, most of the time when you see a leprechaun they’re squinting one eye like they lost it EXACTLY LIKE PIRATES DO. What the fuck? It’s like when a pirate dies he gets turned into a leprechaun and loses his eye patch.  Are pirates from Ireland?  My head hurts now.

PS. Apparently today is also Rosh Hashana.  Poor planning on the part of my Jewish friends, I think.  Did you even look up Talk Like a Pirate Day before you planned this?  It’s like you’re trying to get oppressed.  You should probably change the date next year so this would be less confusing for the rest of us.  Have a grog-filled Rosh Hashana, me Jewish mateys.

Long-ass Comment of the day:

Original:  “I just gave a handjob and at least twice during the handjob I had to try really hard not to throw up. It’s not that I was grossed out by the goings-on, it’s just that I have been feeling sick of late and David really wanted a handjob and I was being a good girlfriend. So I had to finagle him a couple of times into not kissing me because I really didn’t want to throw up into his mouth and the more he kissed me the less control I could excercise over my esophagus. Also, at least once I needed to sneeze. So, yeah, he owes me lovin’s after that.”

Pirate:  “I just gave a handjob ‘n at least twice durin’ th’ handjob I had to give a go’ really harrrd not to throw up. ’tis not that I was grossed out by th’ goin’s-on, ’tis just that I have be feelin’ sick ‘o late ‘n Dave’o really wanted a handjob ‘n I was bein’ a jolly girlfriend. So I had to finagle him a couple ‘o times into not kissin’ me because I really didn’t want to throw up into his mouth ‘n th’ more he kissed me th’ less control I could excercise over me esophagus. Also, at least once I needed to sneeze. So, Yo-ho-ho, he owes me lovin’s after that.”

Conclusion:

Pirates are probably really bad at telling funny stories. It makes my handjob thing sound like a fable that we should all learn a lesson from and tell to children. Which is not cool. ~ CyraEm

By the way, I didn’t tell him I was feeling sick or pukey. I didn’t tell him until after the handjob. He wants you all to know so the internet doesn’t start hating him. ~ CyraEm (again)

67 replies. read them below or add one

  1. The leprechauns wish you to stop talking about this. They also called you a scurvey bilge-rat, and mumbled something about a porthole, but I told them that that was impolite.

    Cheers!
    .-= Mo´s last blog ..Unemployment: Tales from the Dark Side =-.

    Like

  2. har. (translation…thank you)
    i’ll be eating a lot tonight while i join my in-laws in our new year festivities. i’ll be thinking, in pirate language of course, that i wish my mother in law would walk the plank.
    .-= melissa´s last blog ..On Being Jewish =-.

    Like

  3. Talk Like A Pirate Day makes me happy. I have no idea why. I had the perfect photo for the occasion from DragonCon, though, so I blogged about it today.

    But you’re right about leprechauns and pirates. I’d not thought about it before.

    Hey! Maybe I like pirates so much because my birthday is St. Patrick’s Day, a day in which we often talk about leprechauns!
    .-= Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba)´s last blog ..Pirates make me smile… =-.

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  4. Happy Rosh Hashana, bitchim & sons of bitchim!
    .-= Tim Thraeryn´s last blog .."District 9": A Brief Review =-.

    Like

  5. I hate it when shit-barnacles happen. Just ruins me day.
    .-= country mouse´s last blog ..it’s FLAN, g**dammit! =-.

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  6. you’re probably one of the smartest ladies I know, because you’re totally right about the pirates and leprechauns. They’re both obsessed with gold. Coincidentally, just like my grandma. She must be a pirate. That explains a lot.
    .-= Hippo Brigade´s last blog ..Zombies Kill Bunnies. =-.

    Like

  7. Eureka! My mind has been doing circles ever since I ran into a leprechaun with an eye patch and those funky johnny depp braids. This explains everything!
    .-= AmyBloob´s last blog ..Is Formaldehyde part of your bath time routine? =-.

    Like

  8. This is what I have been telling people all this time. Have you ever seen a pirate and a leprechaun in the same room? Have you? Huh?

    Like

  9. Why are pirates so mean?
    They just ARRRRRRR!!!
    .-= Sharkey!´s last blog ..My Relationship to God =-.

    Like

  10. I think leprechauns are Catholic pirates.

    Like

  11. Why does it seem like talk like a pirate day happens 6 times a year? I could have sworn I read a blog post elsewhere a few months back talking about celebrating it…

    I could probably use that translator to make boring news stories a lot more interesting.
    .-= C.B. Jones´s last blog ..Mindful List:: What possibly could/should have been. =-.

    Like

  12. What type of leprechaun? The cute one from the Lucky Charms cereal or the freaky looking one from those D horror Leprechaun movies?
    .-= katiebabs´s last blog ..Love Advice From Love Doctor Mho Fho =-.

    Like

  13. I found a whole field of the booby mushrooms at work yesterday! I made some photos, but haven’t gotten around to posting them anywhere. I’m too lazy/unpopular to have a blog. I wonder if the titty fairy has been more active lately. I think my actual boobs are a little larger, but it could just be the carbs.

    I hate to rain on your big breakthrough, but I think leprechauns usually talk with a sing songy lilt. Pirates growl. Ever heard a leprechaun go Arrrrr? Nah. Maybe pirates are the bad boys of the leprechaun world.

    Like

  14. Avast, me didn’t know ’bout yorn pirate talk day. Yet, me keeps the theme anyway. Yo ho…

    Like

  15. Yes but aren’t leprechauns small people? And pirates like regular size people? I don’t see how they could be the same. Unless the pirates get washed in hot water and then they shrink. Though now that I think about it pirates are known to be stinky and leprechauns don’t really have body odor. So the theory about the shrinking pirates could be true.
    .-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Hump Day Humor: Family Guy =-.

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  16. Dude, the entire time I was reading your piratograph I was thinking, “This bitch is making fun of th’ Irish. *realization*: I have red hair. She’s offending ME! AGAIN!” First the perky mushroom boob and now all this “you’re ancestors were a bunch of raping and pillaging piratochauns searching fer th’ booty an’ follerin’ rainbows”. How do you sleep at night?
    .-= Joy (www.freckletree.com)´s last blog ..SNAPS september 14, 2009 =-.

    Like

  17. Ahoy, Matey. Wish you would have explained the whole ‘”Ross ash Hana” thing, *that* one confuses me…
    .-= Martie´s last blog ..The Richard AKA The Dick, A Fairy Tale… =-.

    Like

  18. Only you could find similarities between leprechauns and pirates. 🙂

    Depp’s signed on for Pirates 4 (“On Stranger Tides”) so maybe you could give him artistic direction to take Jack Sparrow to a whole new level.
    .-= Akilah Sakai´s last blog ..Butt Juice =-.

    Like

  19. I don’t know so much about the shrinkage thing, but in defense of my people (the leprechauns, not so much the pirates) we are a pretty short bunch to begin with so I’d have to say that steam probably wouldn’t be helpful. I do know that through out history their have been a lot of Irish pirates though.
    .-= Kaylynn´s last blog ..Excuse Me =-.

    Like

  20. I bet those leprechauns are all, “And jus’ where de fuck is our bloody ‘oliday? We don’t even ‘ave ourselves an Irish ‘oliday, yet alone a bloody international ‘oliday! That’s just pure shite! Next thing ya know, they’ll be startin’ an International-Talk-Like-A-Geico-Gecko-Day and dat’s when we’ll be takin’ our rainbows away forever.”
    .-= Momish´s last blog ..What’s Your Time of Mind? =-.

    Like

  21. The first thing that popped in my head was “Ohmygod this sounds like a leprechaun!” So I think you made a huge discorvery that pirates and leprechauns are exactly the same thing. Maybe it’s like a day job/night job thing just like Ellen Degeneres now. According to her everyone as two jobs now (I don’t but I guess I’m not up on the trend) so maybe pirates/leprechauns are the ones who started the whole thing. She should thank them for her new American Idol job.

    What was this post about again?
    .-= LB @Wait, She Said What?´s last blog ..Cosmo magazine thinks we’re all acrobats or gymnasts and I think they’re freaking nuts! =-.

    Like

  22. ROTFLMAO 😀

    This is SO hilarious, I just hope my Twitter-friend @IMJackSparrow isn’t TOO offended by it LOL 😀

    #smilesandhugs

    Like

  23. Everytime I try to talk like a pirate, I always sound like a lepruchan and vice versa! Finally, someone who knows what I’m talking about! Argh!!!
    .-= Graygrrrl´s last blog ..Dear University, better late then never =-.

    Like

  24. LMAO. You go places I’d never think relate in a million years — and yet, I get it. When I go on a tangent, I’m the only one laughing. BTW, linked my sister to your Ask Bloggess column and now she reads it every other night on the phone to her BFF and they laugh like they smoked a bowl. But they didn’t. I guess your advice is so awesome it’s better than pot.
    .-= Genevieve´s last blog ..My daughter is more than her virginity =-.

    Like

  25. Check out my blog for yesterday — aye, I snagged me th’ best 10 pick up lines from those wrenchin’ pirates’ website.
    .-= M´s last blog ..Public Service =-.

    Like

  26. ‘Tis all about yer scabbard and how well the sabre fits! We’re all thievin’ wenches deep down inside, so quaff your rum and boff yer bums…There be ships to pillage and spoils to divvy up!

    (oh dear God! shoot me before i pirate talk again. is an exorcism is order?)
    .-= Linnnn´s last blog ..Anne Bonny, Pirate Bitch: Misbehavior Understood =-.

    Like

  27. Ha ha, today is my friend’s birthday. I bet she didn’t know that she was born on “International Talk Like a Pirate Day”. Oh she is going to hate me tonight!

    Like

  28. There is one crucial difference. Leprechauns can be trapped in boxes — or so I’m told by my son’s elementary school teachers. Surprisingly, we have yet to trap a leprechaun despite the ingenious trail of mini footprints we create leading the trap (DECOY) and the dazzling array of fake plastic coins inside (BAIT). Maybe next year we’ll stick a whore and a cask of rum in the trap, see how that goes.
    .-= Stephanie Smirnov´s last blog ..Mom Blogging Goes Hollywood =-.

    Like

  29. Yarr… I think that translator needs to throw in a few “arrr”s and so forth to really sound like a pirate. It be pretty hard for text to growl properly.
    .-= Stephanie´s last blog ..When Should You Work? =-.

    Like

  30. If pirates know that when they die, they turn into leprechauns, it explains why they are always in such a bad mood. They’ll still have to protect their treasure forever after they’re dead, so there’s no rest for the wicked. Plus, the whole getting really short thing. That’s got to be the worst, because you know how guys are about shrinkage.
    .-= Barbara´s last blog ..Stupid Is =-.

    Like

  31. ITLAPD must be pretty popular – – everyone is talking about it. . . but I want to hear more from you about “If I could complain about things I’m doing illegally I’d probably post a lot more” from Twitter!

    Like

  32. My son’s initials are ARG, so yeah, every day is sorta like Pirate Day around these parts.
    .-= cagey´s last blog ..Miscellaneous Miscellanea =-.

    Like

  33. You do realize that everything you “know” about pirates is a lie, don’t you…

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flying_Spaghetti_Monster#Pirates_and_global_warming

    Like

  34. I feel like I’ve been going through my whole life (and that’s a really long time, now that I think about it) with my eyes closed — how did I never see the pirates = leprechauns thing? Now I’m left to wonder, what other completely obvious things have I not noticed? I will probably spend the rest of the day glancing around nervously, wondering what things are going zoom! right over my head. Or drinking.
    .-= dotlizard´s last blog ..Who ARE These People, cont’d. =-.

    Like

  35. Yours is the only blog my husband actually enjoys “reading” with me. I drag him along on other blog rampages but he’ll actually stop what he’s doing, peer over my shoulder to read along if I mention it’s YOUR blog. And he’s a huge pirate fan, so this post was a big hit! We were laughing until our sides hurt. Thanks, matey!
    .-= Jane´s last blog ..What Do You Do With A Goofy Sailor? =-.

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  36. To complicate matters further, tonight is also the beginning of Eid ul-fitr, which marks the end of Ramadan. Which means that both the Jews *and* the Muslims are horning in on Talk Like A Pirate Day. I bet the pirates kick BOTH their asses!

    ~EdT.
    .-= Ed T.´s last blog ..Happy Birthday, Intarwebz! =-.

    Like

  37. I guess it is all in the accent whether it is a pirate or a leprechaun, why am I picturing Pirates of the Caribbean done in Irish accents by little short blokes in green hats?
    .-= Mik´s last blog ..Riding ON the bus =-.

    Like

  38. finally! some public recognition of the irish/pirate link!! i’ve been saying this for years, based on the fact that my own attempts at an irish accent always ends with me talking scurvy and land lubbers. but the patch is to hide a well known irish/pirate condition called “cuminuritis”. if you’ve ever taken a hit, you’ll understand.
    .-= mab397´s last blog ..Lars Rasmussen talks Google Wave =-.

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  39. Why don’t leprechauns have their own holiday, too? What, the pirates are SO MUCH BETTER than the leprechauns? That’s bullshit. Leprechauns are super cute and pass out luck and rainbows and marshmallows and stuff. Last time I checks, pirates never gave anyone anything but some wee scurvy.

    I guess someone might argue that St. Patrick’s Day is for leprechauns but I’m pretty sure that’s just for St. Patrick. I don’t know if he was a leprechaun.
    .-= bejewell´s last blog ..But Seriously, What Happened to All the Forks? =-.

    Like

  40. I’m devastated that I didn’t know it was Talk Like a Pirate Day. I used to be a pirate. Ah, I remember the days. When I would tell my stories, my son of five would look skeptically at me with one eyebrow up, then he started rolling his eyes as he got older and poof! I was a pirate no more.

    There is no way leprechauns and pirates are the one in the same. Maybe distantly related like Romulans and Vulcans.
    .-= Ellie Belen´s last blog ..Introducing Great Aunt Ellie =-.

    Like

  41. I just got back from Rosh Hashanah services. You need to write our rabbi’s sermons. PLEASE.

    Like

  42. I didn’t bother talking like a pirate today. Fuck that.

    I just gave up me booty.

    (I’ll be here all day)
    .-= Candice´s last blog ..The advances in healthcare today are just amazing. No really.. =-.

    Like

  43. On top of all that, my friend got married today AND it’s my sister’s birthday. I think I’m on holiday overload!
    .-= a´s last blog ..What’s wrong with people? =-.

    Like

  44. Did you know that apparently the reason pirates wore eye patches was not because they lost an eye, but because then when they went below-deck they could just pull off the eye patch and used their already-acclimatized-to-the-dark eye to see well in the dimmer lighting?

    I know, I was disappointed too.
    .-= Sarah´s last blog ..MLIA #607334 =-.

    Like

  45. Original:
    “I just gave a handjob and at least twice during the handjob I had to try really hard not to throw up. It’s not that I was grossed out by the goings-on, it’s just that I have been feeling sick of late and David really wanted a handjob and I was being a good girlfriend. So I had to finagle him a couple of times into not kissing me because I really didn’t want to throw up into his mouth and the more he kissed me the less control I could excercise over my esophagus. Also, at least once I needed to sneeze. So, yeah, he owes me lovin’s after that.”

    Pirate:
    “I just gave a handjob ‘n at least twice durin’ th’ handjob I had to give a go’ really harrrd not to throw up. ’tis not that I was grossed out by th’ goin’s-on, ’tis just that I have be feelin’ sick ‘o late ‘n Dave’o really wanted a handjob ‘n I was bein’ a jolly girlfriend. So I had to finagle him a couple ‘o times into not kissin’ me because I really didn’t want to throw up into his mouth ‘n th’ more he kissed me th’ less control I could excercise over me esophagus. Also, at least once I needed to sneeze. So, Yo-ho-ho, he owes me lovin’s after that.”

    Conclusion:
    Pirates are probably really bad at telling funny stories. It makes my handjob thing sound like a fable that we should all learn a lesson from and tell to children. Which is not cool.
    .-= CyraEm´s last blog ..21 =-.

    Like

  46. Shana tova umetukah matey!
    Don’t forget to blow yer shofar!
    If you’re a goy, blow your chauffeur or the man down…
    .-= John Pazzesco´s last blog ...: Pirate Day Pastafarianism Primer =-.

    Like

  47. Today is also Eid-ul-Fitr for the Muslims … or at least it is now. 🙂
    .-= Christine´s last blog ..Comment on Awesome Video Of The Weekend #5 by Christine =-.

    Like

  48. We saw like 15 slutty pirates/wenches today and when my husband told me it was ‘Talk Like a Pirate Day” I thought he was full of shit and just trying to legitimize why some girls were whoring themselves out. Guess I owe him an apology. He’s not getting it though bc there’s no need for pIrate whores, in my opinion. I may give him a blow job though. We’ll see, it is Saturday afterall.

    And I’m off to google St Agnes. Guess this a busy Saturday for me.

    Like

  49. I love the pirate flare in this post. It’s very Jack Sparrow with just a hint of Black Beards ghost. Really though Pirates from Liverpool would sound a lot like the Irish thus have that leprechaun vibe. Boobies, Saints and pirates…oh my 🙂
    .-= Jenn´s last blog ..No More “Light” =-.

    Like

  50. I bet if you traced the genetics of pirates and leprechauns you’d find they had a common ancestor who really liked beer.
    .-= Katie´s last blog ..Rosecut Black Diamond Pendant – $750.00 =-.

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  51. I think that you might be on to something … Pirates and Lep’s … do we know if Lep’s like Rum too? If so, then it’s a definite! If not, then maybe Pirates are simply evolutionized into Lep’s … for some reason, they felt that their burly selves weren’t getting the job done and that if they evolved into a smaller, red-haired, version of themselves they’d get WAY more treasure.

    Just a thought.
    .-= Rachel´s last blog ..Feeling him move inside me =-.

    Like

  52. By the way, I didn’t tell him I was feeling sick or pukey. I didn’t tell him until after the handjob. He wants you all to know so the internet doesn’t start hating him.
    .-= CyraEm´s last blog ..21 =-.

    Like

  53. Uhhhhhhhhhh……. now that you mention it……..
    I think the correlation between the Jews and the pirates was the selling point of the social reform movement in Germany about 75 years ago….
    Their “Don’t Talk Like A Jew Day” didn’t go over so well.

    Like

  54. Leprechauns=midgits, only Irish. And pirates help prevent global warming, as it is written in the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I think Tom is really onto something.

    May ye be touched by His Noodly Appendage, Aaarggghh! The top of the mornin’ to ye!
    .-= Mr Farty´s last blog ..Updated: Ezee-Keyzee =-.

    Like

  55. I wonder if you ingested that mushroom would you hallucinate boobie inspired trippiness scenes. Like naked people or a lot of different fun bags floating around? I would try it, but I don’t have any boobie shrooms in my yard, and also it will probally just make me loose my lunch. Rats!

    Like

  56. the jews and the pirates hijacked my fucking birthday wtf? if you’d made it bloggess day i would be less mad. Actually, I’d probably be really fucking pissed but then I’d take a xanax or three in true bloggess style and send you a bottle of wine for your new day. And then I’d make you send it back to me for my birthday present from you to me. And then I’d open it and throw the corks at the bicycle mormons who are obviously the reason that I don’t have boobie mushrooms growing in my yard. Arrrrrrrrrr! (pirate speak)

    Like

  57. you were sleepwalking. and ate the mushroom. now you will be cursed.
    good luck with that.
    .-= lydee´s last blog ..Easy Recycled Quilts =-.

    Like

  58. OMG, the pirate thing is way too funny. I cannot imagine who comes up with this shit. LOL I’m totally filing this information that I can piratize (yes I just made up a word that doesn’t to my knowledge exist) a future post. I’m way too excited about this.
    .-= Jeni´s last blog ..If you can’t hold your liquor…. =-.

    Like

  59. I saw on the news this weekend that the William Shatner twitter account is a fake. So was your fued with an imposter Shatner? Oh the horror.

    “Star Trek star William Shatner told an interviewer who asked him about his hugely popular Twitter account: ‘I don’t even know what Twitter is.’ But 116,000 people still follow the fake William Shatner. ”

    Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1214734/Trick-Tweet-Twitter-launches-crackdown-millions-duped-fake-accounts.html#ixzz0Rk9T2jUl

    Like

  60. I think this article is wrong. This was published in September but back in June he went on the Conan Show and did an entire bit reading Sarah Palin’s tweets as spoken word poetry. In fact, I’m pretty sure he did it twice. He has to know what twitter is. Or possibly I’m in denial.

    Like

  61. Of COURSE we put Rosh Hashannah on Pirate day on purpose. You haven’t lived until you’ve heard the Torah read in Pirate!
    .-= HannahBanana´s last blog ..It’s on like Donkey Kong!! =-.

    Like

  62. Leprechauns do have a strange affinity for rainbows and pirates do seem to be vaguely gay. Coincidence?
    .-= Zoey´s last blog ..Discipline and the Mighty Toddler =-.

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  63. There is a difference between Leprechauns and Pirates. True Pirates are obsessed with rum. Not because they are alcoholics but because the water in a ship’s hold turns green and slimy within a week or so out of port. Pirates drink rum as a matter of survival. Leprechauns drink rum because they are lushes.

    My eyed dog played pirate and hijacked my blog for Talk Like a Pirate day http://condo-blues.blogspot.com/2009/09/talk-like-pirate-day-and-flip-flops.html but I didn’t make him walk the plank. It would hurt his self-esteem.
    .-= Condo Blues´s last blog ..HairZing Giveaway! =-.

    Like

  64. Leprechauns have comedy Irish accents, whereas Pirates have comedy Cornish accents, which are totally different. No kidding, I met this Cornish guy in France, and after twenty years there, he still had his Cornish accent. Except, now I think about it, when he spoke French he sounded like an Irishman. Damn, that blows my theory out of the water like some kind of pirate analogy.
    .-= Slippy´s last blog ..I uploaded a YouTube video — video 2009 09 08 14 07 12 http://bit.ly/emt1f =-.

    Like

  65. You must see this post: “Ahoy Vey! The story of Rosh Hashana / Talk Like A Pirate Day”

    http://sometimeslizwrites.blogspot.com/2009/09/ahoy-vey.html
    .-= Lady M´s last blog ..Best Toy Ever =-.

    Like

  66. 66
    Amanda Whittier

    So this pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender asks, “What’s up with the steering wheel?” Pirate replies: “Arrrrrrrr, it’s drivin’ me nuts.”

    Like

  67. Everytime I try to talk like a pirate, I always sound like a lepruchan and vice versa! True Pirates are obsessed with rum. Leprechauns drink rum because they are lushes.

    Like

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