It’s called a skill because you have to work at it.

Screenshot from an actual ad that a nearby sailing school sent me:

like invisibility

“Sailing, like invisibility, is a skill that can last a lifetime”.

Baffled.  I’m just baffled.

PS.  I showed this to Victor and he pointed out that they did say that invisibility is a “skill” rather than a natural talent,  so technically if I haven’t mastered turning myself invisible it’s obviously because I don’t want it bad enough.  Awesome.

PPS.  Victor just read this and insisted that he never said that I didn’t want to be invisible, but that I was just “not applying myself, as usual“.  And when he said “as usual” he lifted his eyebrow and stared at all the dishes in the sink.  Then I’m all “Sorry. I guess I’ve been too busy focusing on levitation and defending myself from dark wizards, asshole” and then he stopped talking to me because I was “being ridiculous”.  Then I used a powerful spell to get rid of all the dirty dishes.  And by “powerful spell” I mean I opened up the backdoor and threw them all out on the yard.  I’m like a goddamn sorceress.

Comment of the day: I specially liked the part where sailing leaves you in such a posttraumatic stress state (much like when you come out of an invisible spell -I suppose-) that you will “find yourself spending afternoons wondering about wind direction, hoisting makeshift mainsails in the garage”. Do they provide the hard, brain damaging drugs during the lessons too?
Sailing –you will let yourself go and walk around your soiled pajamas all day after this shit. Come try it! ~
Esther

159 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Dear Sorceress,
    Please come clean my kitchen.

  2. You should totally start a sorcery school. Now THERE’S an idea. You’re very welcome.
    .-= dubiousMa´s last blog ..I’d Suggest Decaf Before Attempting This =-.

  3. Quite so. And I’ve always known that if I could just apply myself my flying skills would get much better. In my defense, it’s a bit difficult between castings to work on said skills.
    .-= AmyAnne´s last blog ..Baby’s First Haircut =-.

  4. This is awesome. I didn’t realize that invisibility is something that I can try towards. This gives me more hope that someday I will be able to go to Hogwarts. Even tho I am over 17…is that allowed? Maybe I can teach invisibility there.
    .-= Whitney´s last blog ..Personal Loans With No Bank Account Required =-.

  5. Who the fuck wants to sail anyway? Dumb ad. Dumb dishes.
    .-= Susan Mercedes´s last blog ..Rule Breaker =-.

  6. So, Victor is calling us all lazy then, is he? Oh, it is so on.
    .
    .
    .
    Except that…well, I’m kinda tired now because I just spent the last 3 minutes willing myself invisible and I’m pretty sure my pinky finger went missing for like .3 seconds.
    .-= Just Shireen´s last blog ..Are You Ready For Some Football? No, No I’m Not. Please Go Elsewhere With Your Pig Covered Ball* =-.

  7. This is a picture of me sailing:

  8. You can’t turn yourself invisible? What an embarrassing thing to admit online.
    .-= devolute´s last blog ..Oh the Humanity! in 25 words or more =-.

  9. I find the “pulling cleats and winches out of your pajama pants’ drawstring more than you usually do” a bit alarming, too. Or maybe that’s the trick. MAYBE — just maybe — invisibility (the skill!) is somehow linked to the keeping of cleats and winches in your drawstrings. But wait, how can you keep anything IN a drawstring? If I taught English, which I don’t and never will, I’d use this paragraph as an example of how you should not write paragraphs on any topic while you are really really high.

    Hang on, what kind of boat is normally powered by a NUCLEAR REACTOR?

  10. Haha. This made me laugh.
    I need to start working on my powers, I totally didn’t realize that if I just really wanted it badly enough & focused hard enough it would happen. If I was required to do the dishes, I might try that sorcery move of yours but alas someone else does those (and it’s not the dishwasher)…

  11. Invisibility is a skill? Damn, I must have been doin’ it wrong all these years.

    I’m off to go practice my “mad skillz” that I don’t possess yet. Oh but I will.
    .-= Audrey at Barking Mad´s last blog ..Hello Autumn! Can I Just Say, You Look Beautiful! =-.

  12. Who the hell wants cleats (or winches) in their jammie pants? I’m picturing golf shoe or football cleats here. Who do they think I am, Dominatrix Whiplash’s slave?
    .-= mrsbitch´s last blog ..Hey, the Republicans are working on health-care reform! =-.

  13. So invisibility is just like riding a bicycle? AWESOME! I have only mastered invisibility to some extent, i.e. it only works on certain people, such as my husband when I am doing household chores. He can see the TV through me which makes it very convenient since I don’t block his view when I am invisible. I’d like to learn the dish spell. Please let me know how I may enroll. Many thanks.
    .-= submom´s last blog ..Why does the smiley face look like a pervert? =-.

  14. Now I have yet another unrealistic expectation to heap upon my child. Awesome.

  15. Oh, you’ve just made me so happy. I thought invisibility was a power one was born with. You’ve given me hope. No longer will I have to lock myself in the bathroom to hide from my children.
    .-= Jen´s last blog .. =-.

  16. i’d ask for references. and see if they have an invisibility school. is an invisibility school actually invisible? probably not, if you’re just learning.
    .-= mylittlebecky´s last blog ..fuck you defensive driving! but also? thank you. but most importantly: fuck you to HELL! =-.

  17. If it’s so easy for Victor, I demand a how to YouTube of it. *waits impatiently, tapping foot,*

    Oh, I see. Your time would be better applied doing dishes so they don’t break when Jenny flings them out the back door? Yeah.

    I’m off to try to find a way to make this invisible thing happen. There are ALL KINDS of awesome things to be done when no one can see you. Like spying on your kids at school to learn what they’re REALLY saying. Or messing up your hateful coworker’s stuff and watching her try to explain it. Oooh, yes. Invisibility has become a top priority now.
    .-= Andrea´s last blog ..The Ass End of Friday =-.

  18. I have totally mastered “INVISIBILITY”…You can’t even see me right now.
    .-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..I’m An Alien Host. =-.

  19. It’s not enough he makes a mockery of you, he also must mock us!
    And hey, why doesn’t he apply himself to those dishes, eh?
    Gosh, if only I’d known I just wasn’t applying myself hard enough….All the wasted years.
    .-= Ariel´s last blog ..Take you me for a sponge? =-.

  20. NO…the classic line in the ad is “Turning the boat to port or starboard is pretty good, too.” I am sold.
    .-= theCTA´s last blog ..Traveling Tip: How to Pack a Suit =-.

  21. I specially liked the part where sailing leaves you in such a posttraumatic stress state (much like when you come out of an invisible spell -I suppose-) that you will “find yourself spending afternoons wondering about wind direction, hoisting makeshift mainsails in the garage”. Do they provide the hard, brain damaging drugs during the lessons too?
    Sailing –you will let yourself go and walk around your soiled pajamas all day after this shit. Come try it!
    .-= Esther´s last blog ..cine ruso =-.

  22. I often wish my mode of transportation didn’t require a nuclear reactor…Because, yes, it would be sublime. But at the end of the day I would MUCH prefer to have a super power. I caught the last 30 minutes of a truly horrible movie called something like Super Power High…or something equally ridiculous…and there was this one girl who could get plants to eat people. Actually I think it was a kid’s movie…so the plants didn’t actually EAT them. But if I had that power, I would train my plants to actually chew. But good luck with that sailing Jenny.
    .-= Minivan Soapbox´s last blog ..Anxiety Is Just Another Word For Crazy In This House =-.

  23. If I can’t will my husband to put stuff in the garbage I’m not even going to try invisibility. Or sailing.
    .-= lorchick´s last blog ..ShopRuche =-.

  24. “pulling cleats and winches out of your pajama pants’ drawstring more than you usually do” The fuck? This sounds like a highly contagious venereal disease and you should stay away from this supposed sailing school for the rest of your life unless cleats and winches are really sailing terms for nautical knots or sail types or something.

  25. Makes me wonder who the hell approved that ad. Someone who is obviously now trying to make themselves appear invisible.

    I think that if there was some sort of invisibility “school” instead of sailing school they wouldn’t even have to advertise. Every mother in the world would want in. Can you even imagine what you could do with that skill set? FREAK YOUR CHILDREN OUT. That is what! We are talking FUN FOR DAYS HERE PEOPLE.
    .-= JenniferG´s last blog ..How I Depressed Myself And Inspired Myself All In The Same Moment And Why You Should Care =-.

  26. please tell me this ad was taken from hogwarts?
    .-= Maddie´s last blog ..Project: I’m a hot mess =-.

  27. Dear Bloggess: What on earth I was doing with my life before I stumbled upon your website–I mean, BESIDES practicing invisibility, duh, which should be the first thing they teach you at Mom Camp, never mind the whole “open cervix, flower of life” groan chant–it wasn’t worth it. Thank you. No, really.

    Off to pitch dishes into the garden,

    Lorraine
    .-= Lorraine´s last blog ..Cleaning tips =-.

  28. Much like in parenting, nobody ever notices the demons you HAVE overcome – like, my children were *actually fed* supper last night, and *no Dark Wizards* got through. They just notice the things you don’t accomplish, like “is your son wearing his sister’s ‘B.U.M. Girl’ t-shirt?” and “why can’t you invisiblize yourself yet?”
    .-= harmzie´s last blog ..Open letter to Stone Fox about Twitter… =-.

  29. How does one identify a boat powered by a nuclear reactor… I’d like to avoid one if I see one.
    .-= LM´s last blog ..No We Are Not Keeping Them =-.

  30. Sailing, like invisibility, is a skill that can last a lifetime? WTF? First, invisibility doesn’t last a lifetime. It comes in short bursts and never works at Target (where they also frown on naked people shoplifting.) I do however have to agree that turning a non-nuclear powered boat to the right or left is as difficult as turning invisible.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Killer robots: Can they get any scarier? Uh huh. =-.

  31. Screw invisibility, I keep starring awkwardly at women hoping my x-ray vision will kick in soon.
    .-= justjp´s last blog ..Come on, go for the extra point! =-.

  32. I will buy you a million messenger owls if you apply your magical skills to all the work on my desk. And also to the assistant sitting behind me who’s supposed to be helping but is playing Farmville instead, which I don’t really get but basically it’s the new Mafia Wars, I think, so if anyone’s going to be sympathetic it should be you.
    .-= LiLu´s last blog ..Holy Sprinkles… I’m The Angela Of My Office. (Without The Affair And All.) =-.

  33. A lot of married woman claim they are invisible to their husbands. Consider yourself lucky that you are not invisible to Vic. Then again maybe Vic should consider himself unlucky

  34. Invisibility never seems to work out the way you want to. Did you ever notice how when people become invisible they always seem to become visible at the worst possible time? What if you really had to go to the bathroom and you were driving and driving and driving, and you came up to this really nice house that looked like it belonged to a rich family, so you know their bathroom is clean, but probably so rich that they’re kind of stuck up and wouldn’t let you use their bathroom if you went up and rang the doorbell and asked, even if you were doing the peepee dance? So you think “Oh hey, I’ll just walk up to their house (invisible of course), go inside, to the bathroom, and then sneak out before anyone notices.”

    So you put your perfect plan into action and you’re just about to their bathroom when you turn back to being visible and their five year old catches you peepeee dancing your way into the bathroom, screams, and you have to climb out the bathroom window and down a tree, all while peeing because you never got time to use the bathroom, and now you have to drive home with no pants or underwear on, twigs and leaves in your hair, and when your boyfriend notices all of this, acts like you were out cheating on him with some guy who is apparently like Tarzan and likes to do it in the woods. And he loses even more respect for you because you smell like urine.

    See, invisibility is totally an over-rated skill.

  35. I love you.

    The end.

    PS YOU are my role model!
    .-= Thursday Lane´s last blog ..Little "Red" =-.

  36. I’m Sailing!

  37. How about SELECTIVE invisibility of other objects, meaning your dishes may or may not actually be there? Then you can tel ol’ Victor, “What, are you looking at the INVISIBLE dishes again?”
    .-= SupaCoo´s last blog ..I Believe… =-.

  38. I too, have a huge issue with “find yourself spending afternoons …pulling cleats and winches out of your pajama pants…more than you usually do'”…FIRST OFF – I don’t ever pull football shoes or pirate sluts out of my pajama pants. Ever. Can you imagine the stench that would come from that combination? SECOND – who does? I want to meet said people and punch them in the neck. Twice.

    Also, I have a dog who can make himself invisible. Example:
    Me: RUSTY!!! Did you just fuckin’ barf on my chair?
    Rusty: *closes eyes*
    Me: Damnit, where the fuck did you go you little bastard?
    .-= Jenn´s last blog ..I’ve Never Posted About… =-.

  39. Sorry — I couldn’t concentrate on your post because I was too distracted trying to figure out when and how invisibility became a skill. Were you saying something?
    .-= feefifoto´s last blog ..Try Just One Bite. I Promise You’ll Like It. Come On — Just One Bite. =-.

  40. Shit, now I really have no excuse for dropping out of shape-shifting class.
    .-= Miss Grace´s last blog ..Mira. =-.

  41. I’ve been working on my invisibility skills like 3 and half years. So far I have managed to make parts of myself invisible which is disconcerting at best. It sucks when I’m walking around thinking I’m invisible and it turns out only my thigh is missing and people just look at you like some sort of half-wit ghost and start saying hail-Mary’s. Not really the reaction I’m going for.

    Once my penis disappeared for two whole days and I was like, WTF!! But that was after I joined the Polar Bear club that one winter so it may not have been my invisibility powers at work but the worst case of shrinkage ever—the point is the only person it managed to freak out was me, which isn’t cool cause I thought at least my wife would be concerned but she went all, “Don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll be fine, you’re such a baby…blah blah blah.”

    So yeah, you can see I need to get this sorted out, so do they give classes on invisibility too or just the sailing?
    .-= DreadedRafifi´s last blog ..Aliens, the Bible and Enoch—Oh my! Part Deux. =-.

  42. Invisibility? Wouldn’t mind reading be better?
    .-= Miss Rosa´s last blog ..What I Really Think of Self-Help Mumbo Jumbo (Or: What’s He Really Thinking?: A Review) =-.

  43. I think the ad was created using Mad Libs. You know? NO! I don’t mean angry liberals, but Mad Libs … the word games that we used to play as kids? Remember?
    .-= Em´s last blog ..Life Lessons Transformation Challenge =-.

  44. Hmmm, this insight about your housekeeping methods may shine some light on the mystery of the Boobie Mushroom.

  45. It’s like playing peek a boo with and adults. Dumb…
    .-= Josh Bezdek´s last blog ..Comment on Taking HTML Email Campaigns Farther by joshbezdek =-.

  46. because this has *everything* to do with your post today, I just wanted to inform you that “whore” is the buzzword for today. Like, I’m getting a lot of satisfaction out of using it. it’s almost as good as “skank”. but “skank” is like heroin. you have to be careful you don’t use it too much and o.d. “whore” is more like weed. safe for everyday use….and by safe I mean, mildly offensive and bad for you, but satisfying all the same.

    I just thought you of all people would appreciate this.

    Actually, now that I think about it, this *does* have everything to do with your post. Because using the word “whore” is much like invisibility because it too requires skill. The skill is what separates the $5 bjs from the $50 bjs…the walmart fishnets from the fredericks fishnets. So really, I’m totally on top of things and this comment is VERY appropriate.

  47. I once took a class in invisibility but the professor never showed up.
    .-= Steve´s last blog ..#84 Sealed For Your Protection =-.

  48. It just takes until you are wrinkly and grey to fully develop that skill. Old women have been invisible for ages. Just ask one the next time you catch a glimpse of her trying to get a seat on a crowded bus…
    .-= La Framéricaine´s last blog .."Un petit voyage à travers le gris, le vert, et Le Blanc…" =-.

  49. wow.

    im not sure which one makes my jaw drop farther… victor or the total douchebag that wrote the ad??? lmao.

    i agree with Miss Rosa tho….. mind reading would be way better.

    let me know when you apply yourself enough to actually master invisibility. ;)
    .-= crazyassmomma´s last blog ..i need to vent =-.

  50. Jenny, please, please, please go take sailing lessons with these people? If this is what they can do with one paragraph, just imagine…..
    .-= Katie´s last blog ..He’s a *#$@% Buddhist, got it? =-.

  51. Silly me. I always thought invisibilty was a genetic thing, like homosexuality and having razors for claws.
    .-= blissfully caffeinated´s last blog ..Stand back while I freak the f%$# out. =-.

  52. Paper plates and plastic ware. No shame here, babe. No shame.
    .-= Freak Magnet´s last blog ..Yeah, yeah, yeah. =-.

  53. Come work your magic on my dirty dishes please. I hate dishes. HATE THEM.
    .-= Jaime´s last blog ..Empty. {NaBloPoMo 22} =-.

  54. Oh man, can’t wait to take some classes for invisibility training. Someone should pursue this avenue of monetary development. Set up shop right next to a psychic. Or maybe incorporate them into one big B.S. shop. Anyone wanna collaborate?
    .-= Jenny´s last blog ..Three 20-Somethings and a Baby =-.

  55. I hate to break the news to you, but invisibility isn’t a skill — it’s a gift that you’re born with. You wouldn’t know it to look at her, but my wife is invisible. And invisibility isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. If she’s standing at a counter, the people behind the counter look right through her. When she attends a workshop, the presenters hand out papers to everyone but her (even if she’s jumping up and down to get their attention). I didn’t believe her when she first told me this, but it’s true. I’ve helpfully offered to paint her so that people would be more likely to notice her, but she says she’d rather be invisible. Go figure.
    .-= Steven Brewer´s last blog ..Super busy =-.

  56. Screw French lessons, I’m learning Invisibility lessons!

  57. I also like that I will be making cleats and winches out of drawstrings MORE than I usually do. I hope they are better sailors than copywriters! By the way, my buddy has an invisible girlfriend, either that or she refuses to meet us!
    .-= Chas Underwood III´s last blog ..#60 – Foie Gras =-.

  58. I don’t think I have ever commented (maybe I have, but I don’t think so). I noticed that you haven’t had as many comments as you normally do so I thought I would leave one. So here you go.

  59. Long ago, when I was a chubby high school teen, there were many times when I really thought I was invisible. But I can honestly say it does NOT last a lifetime, because now that I’m older and minus 20 pounds and clean up nice, I am NOT invisible even when I want to be. So that school is false advertising. I don’t know that I’d take lessons from them….unless they are free. I’d take anything if it’s free.
    .-= Jessica´s last blog ..We’re All Just People, Except Kanye West =-.

  60. At first I thought at first it said ‘invincibility’ which would be WAY tougher than invisibility to master.

    Although, I guess once you’re invisible, you can pretty much get out of the way of anything.
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Motivational Filler – Consequences =-.

  61. I dont get it…why are we “ridiculous” when we just state true facts, such as their fantastic ability to be an asshole, when ridiculous is asshole sitting on the couch eye pointing to the dirty dishes. Retards…
    .-= Levon´s last blog ..Why cant i have a friggin talent?? GAWD! =-.

  62. I don’t know about everyone else, but I think this ad is pretty effective. After I read the first sentence, I had to read the entire ad to figure out what the fuck the person was talking about.

    Now I’m considering signing up at this school just to meet the mad genius who wrote the copy. It sounds like locating him or her is going to be quite difficult on this temporal plane.
    .-= Bryan Sharp´s last blog ..Nature Accidentally Advertises To Nerds With “Spider-Man” Lizard =-.

  63. So my 16 year old son actually took up sailing this summer. I swear I haven’t seen him pull any winches or cleats out of his pj bottoms though. And I don’t think they taught him how to make himself invisable. Wait…I’ll go ask him….uh…where’d he go?!

    ♥Spot
    .-= Spot´s last blog ..Just to prove… =-.

  64. And I thought I needed a cloak damn you Harry Potter paraphrenalia website
    .-= habanerogal´s last blog ..It’s been a month now =-.

  65. Powerful spell indeed. You’re my favorite sorceress plus, if it’s raining there like it is here (Tow, rhymes with ‘cow’, in central Texas) then nature will tend to your dishes. That makes you a Green Sorceress and anybody who’s been paying attention knows that you’re a genuine Super Mom and Sex Goddess. My mind is all gang agley at the marvel of your dazzling diversity. If you were my daughter my friends would be sick to death of your name. As it is, they just raise their eyes heavenward and sigh whenever you’re mentioned, well, those who don’t get a lecherous grin but when most of your friends are musicians you expect such things. They’re totally intimidated by women who’re their own age. It’s sad really, but that’s another story…
    .-= eldergeek´s last blog ..eldergeek: Cooked breakfast, sent a book to Oregon http://www.paperbackswap.com/ Now headed for Corpus Christi. The adventure continues… =-.

  66. P.S. My wife, Lisa, says “When you lose your estrogen, you grow a spine. That’s why men don’t like women their own age.” She may be onto something *shrug*.
    .-= eldergeek´s last blog ..eldergeek: Cooked breakfast, sent a book to Oregon http://www.paperbackswap.com/ Now headed for Corpus Christi. The adventure continues… =-.

  67. I think they meant buying the cloak that makes you invisible is a skill. You have to haggle the socks off of retailers to get a reasonable price for the thing.
    .-= C.B. Jones´s last blog ..Sh*t just got serious, for real y’all! =-.

  68. I flunked out of sailing school when I kept hollering, “How do make this fucking thing turn left?!”

    Also. Invisibility. Doesn’t everybody just use a cloaking device? It worked for William Shatner.

  69. But if you become invisible then how can anyone see you peeing behind the pope?

  70. You’re channeling Jack Handy, that was quite the Deep Thought…

  71. anything that I think of at night, whether in PJs or not, MUST have batteries. So, their whole ad had me until that moment.
    .-= Debbi´s last blog ..Fall has Fell =-.

  72. I cracked up when I read that one too. And to be fair, the ad did accomplish its goal for me, except for the fact I have nearly zero disposable income right now, I’d be taking sailing lessons this weekend…
    .-= Shawn K. Quinn´s last blog ..2009-09-22/28 Weekly LOVIEE =-.

  73. I love you. That is all.
    .-= melistress´s last blog ..Beginning Lots, Finishing None =-.

  74. Well, the dark wizard regine WAS rising there for a while. I’m glad you’re taking steps against it.
    .-= Blondie´s last blog ..blondemonde: http://twitpic.com/ipiw9 – The Daily ‘Drobe is back! A nice day and we’re business casual to the max! =-.

  75. Who needs Harry Potter when we have you? Victor just doesn’t understand your powers, clearly.
    .-= LB @Wait, She Said What?´s last blog ..Men will wish they had a penis like the banana slug, but will quickly change their mind. =-.

  76. Sometimes if I drink enough, I like to think I’m invisible.

  77. I lived with a guy who put his dirty dishes in paper grocery bags under the sink. When he ran out of clean dishes, he would drive to the beach to wash them.

  78. Just shot water out my nose… Thanks for that. ;) Water shouldn’t burn right?

  79. *Turning the boat to port or starboard is pretty good, too*

    UM……Clearly this is actually a porn ad. ‘sailing’ is obviously bondage and ‘invisibility’ is blindfolded oral.
    .-= Hay´s last blog ..Facing Facts =-.

  80. What invisibility is a skill? I’ve totally been applying myself in the wrong direction!

    GO WITCHES!

    What?
    .-= Toe´s last blog ..Reason Why I Stay =-.

  81. Invisible- easy- it comes to all – grow fatter and older- poof- invisible! No skill involved.
    .-= lindasue´s last blog ..Ch-ch-ch- changes =-.

  82. So, I’m guessing that the cups and sorcers in your sink went sailing?

    ~EdT.
    .-= EdT.´s last blog ..Message of the Day =-.

  83. Random: “Water shouldn’t burn right?”

    It will if it’s FIRE water!

    ~EdT.
    .-= EdT.´s last blog ..A BIG Kettle of Crazy… =-.

  84. I love messing about in boats. Where “messing about” means lounging with a cool drink and “boat” means beach.

    Has anyone done the “cups and sorceress” joke yet?
    .-= Mr Farty´s last blog ..Updated: Ezee-Keyzee =-.

  85. For true invisibility you need a nuclear reactor – – – – – they obviously know nothing at all.

    But as for invisibility being a skill . . . . . not really. You’re either born with it, or you aren’t.
    My cousin was invisible. No one ever saw him. I thought I did, once, but I was not sure.
    He was really good.

  86. Awesomness. Can you show me the trick that gets someone else to go pick them up out of the backyard and wash them? Thank you.
    .-= Martie´s last blog ..The Curves And Bends… =-.

  87. The invisibility “skill” is not the part that initially baffled me. The part about “pulling cleats and winches out of your pajama pants’ drawstring more than you usually do” got me scratching my head. WTF? Maybe I’m not smart enough to get into sailing school.

    Sue

    http://www.lifeasaworkathomeinternetmogul.com

    .-= Sue´s last blog ..Spent My Anniversary With Guy Fieri =-.

  88. i KNEW it. at least all this trying to be invisible stuff wasn’t a complete waste. i must not be applying myself enough. i’ll keep working on it and let you know how it goes.
    .-= Kristen´s last blog ..Thank You’s =-.

  89. Now that is a special brand of magic I can get behind. The throwing of dishes, seems like it solves to problems. First, the unsightly pile of dishes and second, the aggression I’ve been building all day. Wait, there’s a third. One more way to piss off my neighbors.
    .-= followthatdog´s last blog ..Living in the projects =-.

  90. Well who the hell would want to go to sailing school now that we know about being invisible? Sailing seems like such a ridiculous and mundane thing now. We have INVISIBILITY! Screw sailing!
    .-= Angel´s last blog ..The dream that has me wondering. =-.

  91. Shit. I wish I’d seen this before I did the dishes. I just finished, but it would have been a great excuse to tell my husband…”The Bloggess is giving sorcery lessons now. Today we learned how to make the dishes disappear!”

    What’s the next lesson? I’ll make sure to mark it on my calendar.
    .-= Headless Mom´s last blog ..I was just sitting here minding my own business… =-.

  92. Sailing and invisibility last a lifetime? What good is invisibility if you can’t become visible for the rest of your life? And who the fuck wants to go to a school that teaches you to strand yourself in the ocean until you die? No thank you, magic sailboat school.

  93. wait a minute! A sailing school in Texas? Is that right next to the Texas of Constitutional Studies?
    .-= Marinka´s last blog ..Taxi! =-.

  94. Dishes? Now done.

    Got anything for laundry? The hubby just called on his way home asking what I did today and I’d love to impress him with my mad house cleaning magic skills….
    .-= Kendra´s last blog ..George Bernard Shaw? Seriously?? =-.

  95. My husband mentioned separate bank accounts today. I was just about to poison one thing in the fridge when I happened upon this post. I think throwing the dishes in the backyard would piss my husband off more and make me feel better. Killing two birds with one stone awesome!

  96. If I had to choose, I’d choose invisibility over sailing, you stay dryer that way and don’t need no expensive equipment, like a yacht.
    .-= Mik´s last blog ..I had a dream – matey =-.

  97. Did I mean drier?
    .-= Mik´s last blog ..I had a dream – matey =-.

  98. When you throw your dishes out back, do your neighbors steal them and wash them for you? Because THAT would be a superpower!

  99. I can’t HANDLE that ad. “Sailing, like invisibility, is a skill that can last a lifetime” – they HAVE GOT to be kidding. Like…, OMG. Too funny! Also, you need to start a School for Bloggess Sorcery. And sign me up now, please, because I have a sink full of dirty dishes and I’m stuck to my couch.
    .-= Haley-O´s last blog ..We Interrupt The Emmys to Bring You FREAKISH SUNFLOWERS =-.

  100. I’ve been working on my invisibility skill ever since the kids were born and I’m not making any progress. What am I doing wrong?
    .-= Jane´s last blog ..Tunes for Tuesday – Without You (Rent) =-.

  101. I want to live at your house. You’re like the audible version of all the bad thoughts in my head.
    .-= Undomestic Diva´s last blog ..Candy Ass, The Blogger =-.

  102. You throw dishes in the backyard?! That’s genius! I can’t believe I didn’t think of that. I just throw them in the trash.
    .-= The Undomesticated Housewife´s last blog ..Hello I am an American, and No I am not an Actress. =-.

  103. Slackers. My kids mastered invisibility years ago. All I have to screech is “Who did this?” and all 3 disappear.

  104. 106
    Charlee Brown

    I put this ad in the Pirate Translator you posted awhiles back and this is what came out

    “Sailin’, like invisibility, be a skill that can last a lifetime, ‘n a jaunt on th’ Gulf be th’ perfect way to get started. Don’t be surprised if, after ye lesson, ye find yourself spendin’ afternoons wonderin’ ’bout wind direction, hoistin’ makeshift mainsails in th’ garage, ‘n pullin’ cleats ‘n winches out ‘o ye pyjama knickers’ drawstrin’ more than ye usually do. Glidin’ gracefully ‘n quietly across th’ ocean in a boat that needs no batteries, engine, or nuclear reactor be a sublime experience. Turnin’ th’ boat to port or starboard be pretty jolly, too.”

    For some reason…this unbaffles me. Maybe because if I spent conversation with a person who spoke pirate and said this to me I’d sit there with ‘Present Face’ and go…’Yeah….like, Totally…..I agree.’

  105. I just got several wigs on ebay. Now I can change my look, lickety! Does that count for invisibility status/talent?
    .-= Gabrielle Valentine´s last blog ..The Top Ten Reasons I Will Not See My Grandmother Again =-.

  106. Perhaps you haven’t applied yourself because he is supportive enough.
    .-= annie´s last blog ..Awarded =-.

  107. You have to read between the lines, Jenny. This add is just another salvo in the ancient “Pirates vs. Ninjas” war that’s been plaguing our society for generations. You see, the pirates (a.k.a. “sailing school instructors”) are trying to recruit people away from the ninja schools, where invisibility is taught in sophomore year. If freshmen can be convinced that sailing is just as valuable a skill as invisibility then maybe some of those undecideds will choose Pirate School, and the balance of power will shift in the pirates’ favour.

  108. Dangit, I meant “isn’t” supportive enough. Well, now the whole reply is ruined and worthless. Nevermind.
    .-= annie´s last blog ..Awarded =-.

  109. I went that as pulling wenches out of your pajama pants…..kind of gave it a whole different post for me. It was Yar.
    .-= Cedarflame´s last blog ..The Longest Move Ever…(and other ramblings about a gay guy with a green sticker on his head…oh yeah it is that kind of post.) =-.

  110. I would love to be a fly on the wall just once in your house….but then you’d probably be a bitch and squash me.
    .-= “Seattle” Heather´s last blog ..Trying to hang on to Summer as long as possible: Another Must Have =-.

  111. PS. I love your work…you make me laugh OUT LOUD at inappropriate times at work. ITS AWESOME!
    .-= “Seattle” Heather´s last blog ..Trying to hang on to Summer as long as possible: Another Must Have =-.

  112. Funny, that’s exactly what my husband says while raising his eyebrows towards the sink of dishes. I scoff at him and stay planted in the chair. The kitchen always gets cleaned … somehow.
    .-= Rachel´s last blog ..When I think about … =-.

  113. I can be invisible…all I have to do is turn the television on football or wrestling and my husband doesn’t see me if I’m buck naked with a dildo in my hand.
    .-= Grace Matthews´s last blog ..Happy Birthday! =-.

  114. It’s that bloody Harry Potter. Until the movie of the last book comes out we will all have to live with references to invisibility and wands and hexes and horcruxes and griffins and a host of other silly things.
    I guess the sailing club wanted to appear ever-so-British-upper-class-private-school, so they made the Harry Potter reference.
    Here’s my idea of sailing:
    A boat that’s so big that you can’t feel the swell. A chef. A hot tub. A crew. A helicopter. A man you walk up to and say “Take us to the Bahamas, Captain.”
    I dont care which side is port and which side is starboard.
    No room service, no deal.
    .-= ittybittycrazy´s last blog ..Couch Potato – Sick TV =-.

  115. Hey, Harry Potter didn’t have to apply himself.

  116. I’ve got a really cool invisibility cloak. I picked it up at a yard sale. So you just need to yard sale more :)
    .-= Jenn´s last blog ..When Baseball Turns Stressful =-.

  117. I’ve mastered the skill of invisibility. If by skill of invisibility you mean the ability to blend into the wallpaper. I mastered it in high school.
    .-= Zoey´s last blog ..Dust Storm =-.

  118. I had to come back because of the “pulliing cleats and winches out of your pajama pants’ drawstring more than you usually do.” This suggests that I already pull cleats and winches out of my pajama pants and taking this class will make me do it more frequently. Well, Mr. Copywriter, I’ve allotted all the time I can to pulling winches out of my pajamas. 15 minutes a day. Any more than that and I get behind in my other invisible sailing duties, like hoisting my mainsail shirt and turning my computer steering wheel. You may be able to sail a real boat, but leave the imaginary sailing to the professionals. If I listen to you, I’ll never get to Unicornland.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Killer robots: Can they get any scarier? Uh huh. =-.

  119. Personally, I think the term should be “Sauceress”. But, you know, whatever floats your plate. Though, I think you should invest in a dark mark tattoo, that way Victor can learn to fear you.

  120. I’m pretty sure that this ad was created by Prestige Worldwide.

    Boats and Hoes!
    .-= Kari´s last blog ..Swine Flu And Other Excuses For Not Blogging =-.

  121. Have broom will follow.

  122. OH YEAH, VICTOR??? YEAH??? MAYBE it’s YOU who doesn’t know how to apply yourself!! YEAH!! WHADDYA THINK ABOUT THAT, WISEGUY?? YEAH!! Maybe it’s YOU! ‘Cause you know… it… the…. you know…. the invisibility thing… and the whole trying…. or lack thereof…. and then…. you know…. wind direction. and dishes. And… well….

    MAYBE VICTOR’S BUTT SMELLS LIKE A FUCKING FART FACTORY WORKING OVERTIME!!! YEAH!! How ’bout THEM APPLES?? Yeah. That’s what I thought.

    And Victor? You’re so lucky you spell your name with a “C” and not a “K”. ‘Cause then I’d REALLY have to call you out.

    And watch this. After I click “Submit”? I’m going all invisibility on Victor’s smelly, fart-factory, non-applied ass.
    .-= Hercules Charnas´s last blog ..My Hippie Commie Days =-.

  123. I can’t make myself invisible, but I can get small (w/apologies to Steve Martin).

  124. I’m trying really hard to figure out what word they meant instead of invisibility. I got nothin’.
    .-= Fantastic Forrest´s last blog ..Life is Not Fair =-.

  125. Wow! I wonder if this same school teaches invisibility and that flyer just hasn’t landed (or magically appeared) in your mailbox yet. I would totally sign up for that class except it sounds expensive
    .-= Graygrrrl´s last blog ..How I Spent My Sunday Night, or The 61st Annual Emmy Awards =-.

  126. What’s funny is that the site you link to includes more “interesting” phrasing in their sales pitches, including one or my favorites:

    “At just 28 years old, fresh-faced youngster Kenny Basil has earned an amazing distinction: the world’s youngest person to circumnavigate the globe solo who is also a doctor.”

    Who knew the globe was a doctor? And read on to learn that Basil actually _wasn’t_ a doctor, but become one after the fact…. um… yeah, right. I want to sail with you guys!
    .-= pvz´s last blog ..cry, baby, cry… =-.

  127. Mrs. Bloggess,

    If I throw my dirty children out, that will keep the house clean.

    ….. Stroke of genius..

  128. I’ve been working on my powers of invisibility, but I’m not quite there yet.

    I HAVE, however, been successful developing my powers of indivisibility.

    Well, except for the multiple personalities.

  129. I so thought invisibility was a natural talent! I guess you learn something everyday …
    .-= Nydia´s last blog ..Open Letter to God … =-.

  130. When I think of all the hours I spent NOT practicing my invisibility based on my assumption that it was a gift reserved for the genetically mutated or delusional, only to now learn that it’s a skill and I could have been invisible when I wanted to if I’d only tried harder to perfect this skill, I want to scream.

    I can think of at least ten instances off the top of my head that I should have been invisible for: big zit at prom, cheating on geography quiz in 8th grade, losing my virginity…you get the idea.
    .-= Well Read Hostess´s last blog ..Let Them Eat Reform =-.

  131. I totally want to be invisible, so when my 3 year old is having a moment and screaming “MOMMYYYY MOMMMYYYY” for me, I can instantly go invisible and see what he *really* wants, and whether or not I actually want to be found.

    Also, levitating would save me a lot of time. I’m rather short and I always need a stool to reach anything, it’s rather annoying and time consuming. If I had to choose one, I’d probably go with levitating… but I’d rather have both, please.

    Also, I’d of thrown the dishes *at* Victor, not on the lawn. Like, the dishes I’d whip at him like a frisbee and be like, “Hey, see that? I *do* have magical powers.”
    .-= Megan Erwin´s last blog ..Pandas. =-.

  132. Jenny,
    I surely hope you’re earning a good living from this blog. You know Dooce and Mr. Dooce quit their day jobs when she had roughly this amount of traffic, this number of comments to a post.

    You’re hilarious but you scare me a little. Which makes your blog even more entertaining.

    And if you aren’t using fifties as kindling and seeing how far you can blow cocaine into the air with a single fart, you should hire someone to re-do your layout and get some ads. Or post about some cool product and pretend the product didn’t just arrive at your doorstep in a box filled with cash. Kinda like Dooce does.

    And really, my reasons for my wanting you to be rich are self serving. I want to see what happens when you have more money than you can spend. I think it would make your blog even funnier.

  133. OMG I can learn how to be invisible?! Why the fuck didn’t anyone tell me?! I place the blame for this squarely at Victor’s feet, because obviously he already knew about this and didn’t share the news. Not cool man. And nobody likes passive agressiveness, sir. If you want to tell Jenny to do the dishes, don’t raise your brows, just do them yourself. Lead by example my friend, lead by example.
    .-= Jeniel´s last blog ..Homework/My Mother-2, Mommy-0 =-.

  134. You are like the June B. Jones of grownups.

  135. 137
    Oba Chandler

    How does your blog make it past my work firewall when it won’t let perezhilton thru? Curiouser and Curiouser.

  136. The last line is priceless…..oh, and by the way, in case you didn’t know, turning a boat is pretty good, too.

  137. I’m still working on my invisibility skill. I can do it, but I have to take a lot of acid before hand.

  138. Still looking for xokie’s sailing picture. It’s not showing up. Maybe it’s my browser.
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..First You Have to Collect Chics =-.

  139. Really? Because Bossy is still sort of stuck on the Pajama pants’ drawstring part. They shouldn’t feed their copywriters mushrooms.
    .-= BOSSY´s last blog ..Just A Little Internet Romp With Frances Ethel Gumm =-.

  140. I’ve spent my entire life being invisible…must be the lack of symmetry in my face…nobody notices me at all.
    .-= Brian O’Mara-Croft´s last blog ..Of guys’ guys =-.

  141. Maybe you could teach me how to conjure up some toilet fairies… I hate cleaning that thing.
    .-= Adrian´s last blog ..Word of the Day – Cockamamie =-.

  142. 144
    EveEnsler'sTwat

    I’m just sorry they didn’t focus more on “the little man in the boat”……..

    …….you know, the one who’s invisible to all the dickheads deckhands…..

  143. Black arts belong in the kitchen.
    .-= Daphne´s last blog ..Happy Birthday, Baby =-.

  144. First of all, that is one of the best ads EVER.

    Second of all, thanks for teaching us your magic spell for doing the dishes. I will practice that when I get home.
    .-= Jen @ lifelove’n’wine´s last blog ..How I came to embarrass myself in front of 500 people or the time I kind of got hit on by Bill Clinton =-.

  145. This weblog is being featured on Five Star Friday – http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2009/09/five-star-fridays-edition-72.html
    .-= schmutzie´s last blog ..Five Star Friday’s Edition #72 =-.

  146. I can assure you that my invisibility skills are a very hard-earned prize for years of effort. Look at how skillfully I accidentally eluded you at BlogHer! My abilities are unrivaled.

    I’m willing to teach you if you’ll share the finer points of your dishwashing technique with me.
    .-= LiteralDan´s last blog ..Huggy Bear’s House of Coffee =-.

  147. You really are like a goddamn sorceress and I worship at your feet and hope to one day be half as powerful/funny as you! And my significant other would be so awed if I ever did the dishes in any way, shape or form that she would probably worship at your feet too. You’re my hero…
    .-= dkatzazz´s last blog ..I Shouldn’t Laugh About This but… =-.

  148. I never thought I would find a blog that I liked more than my blog.

    I thought I was the best blogger ever, but I was wrong! Now I don’t know what to think…

    Right now I am experiencing a mix of amazement, delight and crushing insecurity. It’s weird. My entire identity just crumbled into a vaguely feta-like mound on my floor. I find myself wondering “who am I? Was I ever funny? How unhealthy is it to eat cheese off of a floor? What if the floor had meat juice spilled on it last week and no one ever cleaned it up?”
    .-= Allie´s last blog ..Dating For Hopeless Dummies, a Post for My 100th Follower =-.

  149. I just nominated you for a Kreativ Blogger award because of your mad skilz, and one of the rules of the nomination is you have to nominate 7 other bloggers, and the Kreativ blogger people enforce their rules. They have guns. I’m sorry I’m passing this curse onto you, but I have kids, too. Okay, I have cats, but whatever. I want to live! Okay, they’re glue guns, but I don’t want to be sticky!

  150. I don’t actually know what a cleat is, but I know I don’t want access to one in my pyjamas.

    I wish invisibility was a skill of mine, if only to liven up the ‘Other interests’ section of my CV. The tedious CV stalwarts of ‘swimming’ and ‘reading’ would pale in comparison.
    .-= Baking Mad Mama´s last blog ..Reward =-.

  151. Actually gliding across the ocean in a boat with a nuclear reactor is pretty f’in amazing. ESPECIALLY in your pajamas whilst invisible…Not that you NEED pajamas whilst invisible. Unless you just chill easily.
    .-= Cece´s last blog ..Its not willpower! It’s the ice cream I had stored in my butt! =-.

  152. [...] It’s called a skill because you have to work at it. [...]

  153. See, I’m was so invisible just then, you couldn’t even see MY COMMENT.

    I rock.

    On an unrelated note, I need to ask you a little sumpin’ sumpin’. Email me, hoser. You know, please and all. ;-)
    .-= Mr Lady´s last blog ..At Some Point, I’m Going To Have To Admit That The Frog Brain Conversation Is Actually The Easiest One To Have, And Give Up =-.

  154. I mastered invisibility a long time ago… turns out the real trick is turning back to visible…. if you knew how many fucking times I’ve jabbed myself in the fucking eye brushing my teeth!
    … But what I wanna know is what the fuck are they pulling out of their pajama pants again? … Although I must point out that when your invisible you can pretty much let it all hang out… talk about Casual Fridays!

  155. Ok, seriously, I have an anatomy professor (Hey, I’m 42 and just went back to college!) who INSISTS we will be hearing about invisibility on the news very soon. I asked him if “very soon” was in biblical time or REAL time? He gave me a dirty look cuz I wasn’t taking him seriously. Really! He also says there will be an elevator to the moon IN OUR LIFETIME! I wonder how much this professor gets paid, and where they found him? Hey, as long as he can teach me anatomy, I guess it’s not up to me to care!
    .-= Leah´s last blog ..A boobie kind of blog =-.

  156. Wait, when did I EVER pull wenches out of my pajama pants?

    Oh… “winches”…

    But still…!?

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  1. Other Stuff Saturday 9-26-09 September 26, 2009

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