UPDATED! An open letter to the King of Germany who might actually only be a Prince. I didn’t really research it. But we’re at war now so you’ll probably hear about it on the news.

in bizarre, I'm not really full of mosquitoes, important stuff, Posts that will get me hate mail, Random Crap, Sometimes I get Top Gun and real life confused in my head, terrible titles

Dear Mr. King of Germany:

It has been brought to my attention that your daughter is either impersonating me or mocking me in her royal portrait.  Exhibit A:

princessnot princess

I’ve been rockin’ this look for years so I can only assume this is an act of aggression on her part.  That’s why this morning I declared war on Germany.  I try not to judge people for their parenting skills but I can’t help but think this is kind of your fault for not reigning your daughter in (Get it? “Reigning”?  Because you’re a king?  I kill me.) but lucky for you, I am a kind and merciful person and I have not called for an assassination attempt.  Mostly because my minions can’t even manage to kidnap Tim Gunn properly.  And also because I’m a pacifist.  Sort of.  Although I do believe in stabbing people if necessary.  Like when my husband gives me that look.  You know the one.  The one that implies I did something questionable.  Then he’s getting stabbed in the leg.  But no one else has to.  This is totally going to be a bloodless coup, probably.  Unless you count nose bleeds, which I don’t.  I can’t control nosebleeds.  I’m not, like, telekinetic.  If you get a nosebleed it’s probably because you need a humidifier, not because of me.  I’m just a normal Texas girl who may or may not have threatened to dethrone your daughter.  I guess it depends if threatening to dethrone a princess is legal.  If it isn’t then I never said that.  But it’s still going to happen anyway because I assume if I take down the German princess I get to take her place as the new princess and that would be totally kick-ass.  Plus, I’m half-Czech so I’m kind of bringing together the world by joining your royal family.  So basically I’m solving complicated diplomatic foreign policy situations AND I’M NOT EVEN TRYING.  Does your current princess do that? No. She just steals my hair-roller idea.  Which I own. (Patent-pending.)  Anyway, I’m not sure how we need to do this.  Perhaps some sort of cage match, or maybe I steal her shoe, or her husband?  I don’t know how this Princess shit works.  Please send me directions.  In English, please. I don’t speak Dutch.  Also, I apologize for saying “shit” to a king but you should probably get used to it because when I replace your daughter I’ll most likely say fucked-up stuff all the time.  It’s kind of what I do.

Hugs,

Jenny, the bloggess & future Princess of Germany (and also probably Switzerland by the time this is all over)

PS.  Please don’t be alarmed.  I’m very diplomatic and open to suggestions if you have them.  If you want to just make me an honorary Princess that would be cool.  Or we could throw the current princess in jail and make her wear an iron mask so no one would know who she is.  Except no one in jail wears an iron mask so it’s going to be conspicuous. I don’t know if you’ve been in jail recently but there aren’t a lot of masks around.  They frown on that sort of thing.  Especially iron ones because you can use the metal to make a shiv.  Don’t ask me how I know this.  Also, I’m assuming there isn’t a rule in Germany about not being allowed to be a Princess if you’ve ever been in jail.  If there is we need to fix that shit before I get over there.  And also I really like Houston so I’m going to have to telecommute.  Please get me a laptop and a German interpreter.

PPS.  I’m going to Japan in a couple of days so please get back to me in the next few hours or I might be tempted to do something drastic when we fly over Germany.  Like maybe I’ll flush the airplane toilet a whole lot right over Germany.  Or maybe I’ll moon you.  Depends on if I have a window seat.

PPPS.  My husband just told me that we don’t fly over Germany on the way to Japan because Germany is in a different direction.  Clever move, Germany. You win this round.

PPPPS.  I’m really serious here. I want to be a princess. Please send over some sort of royal decree and a dozen white horses.  And a coach.  And some glass slippers.  But they need to be flats because I have arthritis.  And also I need arch support.  Plus, how are the slippers supposed to bend when I walk if they’re glass?  Fuck that.  Just send me some clear jellies.  Do they make jellies in Germany?  Is there a word for “jellies” in German?  This is exactly why I need a German interpreter.  Arg.  These. These are what I need:

Like these but fancier, like a princess would wear. Maybe get me some with glitter in them.
Like these but fancier, like a princess would wear. Maybe get me some with glitter in them.

PPPPPS.  My husband just told me that you don’t speak Dutch in Germany and that “Deutsch” is just German for German.  That is so fucking confusing.  This is the first thing I’m going to fix as Princess.  None of that “Deutsch” crap.  My second decree will be “free beer for everyone”.  I’m going to be the most beloved dictator ever.

PPPPPPS.  Did I say “dictator”?  I meant “Princess”.  The dictator thing comes later.  That’s part of my 5 year plan.

PPPPPPPS.  Am I supposed to call you “daddy” when I get Princessed?  Because that seems awkward.  Can I just call you “sir”?  You don’t have to answer that now.  We can work out all the details after your daughter is in jail.  Then?  Party time! For us, I mean.  Not for her.  Prison is no party.  Trust me on that one.

UPDATED:  Kick-ass Hitler video by Telling Dad, who I’m totally going to knight just as soon as this princess thing comes through:

159 thoughts on “UPDATED! An open letter to the King of Germany who might actually only be a Prince. I didn’t really research it. But we’re at war now so you’ll probably hear about it on the news.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. you are an american hero. i may have said that before? but it doesn’t matter because it’s true. thank you for keeping the world in check. please also “take care of” japan while you’re over there. and i don’t mean like a beejay i mean like fix any problems while you’re there because i’m pretty sure you’re the only one that can. fix problems. i’m pretty good at beejays.
    .-= mylittlebecky´s last blog ..fun with vomit! wait, is vomit ever NOT fun? (tmit) =-.

  3. You are so freaking hilarious. I’m supposed to be working, but I got a tweet about how you’ll probably be arrested so I had to drop everything and read this post. I’m so glad I did. I needed a good laugh. Not that you becoming a princess is a laughing matter. It’s genious. And then Victor would be a prince. You’d probably get a private jet because princesses have to make public appearances and you could totally tell the pilot to fly over Germany on the way to Japan even if they’re nowhere near each other. ‘Cause you’re the freakin’ Princess.
    .-= Katie´s last blog ..My Two Year Wreckiversary or "Food Could Have Saved Me" Night =-.

  4. I can be you interpreter. Worth noting that I took 9 years of German & I speak about 4 words (one of which is a swear word) of German. I think we can call that the definition of pathetic. I can however speak in the guttaral tones that make it *sound* like I’m speaking German, unless of course you speak German, and then, well, I sound like an incompetent American butchering their language & then some. Anyway, the good part is I’ll just interpret everything as an order for more white ponies, diamonds & castles, so uh, that seems like it might work out in your favor. Just saying.
    .-= Daisy´s last blog ..Man versus Woman =-.

  8. If the title of that cable TV series had been PARTY LIKE A PRINCESS IN PRISON, instead of OZ, that shit would still be on the air. it’d be all, “Woo Hoo! Victor Friedrich von Schaumberg zu Oldenberg DROPPED THE SOAP, bitches! Let’s all invade his Low Countries with our Polish Corridor!”*

    *Authentic Imperial German convict sex slang.
    .-= Scott C.´s last blog ..Dr. Mike is Jonathon Swift, if Dr. Swift Produced Premium Ham Instead of Satire =-.

  15. I actually thought you photoshopped in her curlers to try and bolster your position. I see now that they are indeed legitimate royal curlers. War justified. Congress not needed. I can see them all now in their palace…smugly drinking their Oktoberfest bier, munching on shnoggins, and eating potato salad that quite frankly smells like bile. If you do show up in Germany, blog it, it would be poetic justice to hear that a rich King bounced a Czech.
    .-= Greg – Telling Dad´s last blog ..The Magic is Gone =-.

  16. What is up with that chick’s picture? Cause even if she wasn’t trying to BE YOU then WTF? Is that some sort of “royal portrait?” Is she the German version of Paris Hilton? Cause Paris WOULD NEVER BE SEEN in curlers. So I am kind of confused as to why that picture exists. Unless of course… she is mocking you. Which is clearly the case here.
    .-= JenniferG´s last blog ..EMERGENCY Tips For Surviving The Halloween Candy Deluge =-.

  20. I hope they put that princess in jail in Germany. Jail in Germany is no picnic. I know this from watching that reality show, Fringe. Also, she’ll try to escape using her lawyer as bait and a teleportation device and then she will be cut in half trying to teleport to the other dimension where 9/11 never happened. Fact.

  25. Actually, as a princess, you’d have some fabulous custom-made “glass” slippers made of some new space-age polymer that is flexible, comfortable, and non-sweaty. Jellies make your feet sweaty. Princesses cannot have sweaty feet.

  27. Clearly she is mocking you. Seriously girl, have you looked at yourself in that pic? Actually I think she is mocking all Americans for their obsession with a clearly neurotic, geographically challenged, Kate Spade purse swinging chick who has mostly likely been to jail because she knows how to make shiv.
    .-= Toy With Me´s last blog ..Dear Redhead, What’s The Deal With Women? =-.

  29. I didn’t think this stuff went on any more except amongst the way-out wacky Windsors. These people actually have an ancestor named “Albrecht der Bär.” He was a bear. They passed the privilege of being “der Bär” down through the line. And they admit proudly to being descended from Catherine the Great! I know you know what Catherine the Great was famous for, besides being apparently “great.” No wonder the Princess thinks nothing of wearing rollers in her portrait…Too isolated a gene pool to pull up sane in the 21st century.
    .-= Linnnn´s last blog ..Pearl Earring =-.

  30. How is Germany not on the way to Japan? The world is fucking round. I guess if you go the other way around the planet then you wouldn’t cross over Germany. But there is definitely at least one way to get from Houston to Japan and fly over Germany. I think. I’m not entirely sure. I suck at geography.
    .-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Hump Day Humor: Giant Bat =-.

  32. WTF! She is totally ripping you off! Who wears rollers in their official royal portrait? Also, the first line of her bio pisses me off. “Julia Eilika received a cosmopolitan education.” Sounds like they couldn’t keep her in a single school. A misfit princess who was shuttled around European boarding schools, tormenting all the regular, non-princess kids. Wait. That kinda makes me like her. Nevermind. Fuck her.

  33. If you ask Germans for shoes, I’m pretty sure you get Birkenstocks. Kind of the opposite of jellies…

    Perhaps, once the war is over, and you win Princess, you could abdicate and Hailey could be the princess. I think she’d like that.

    Also, when you win the war, the King/prince can adopt you. See below (from your link):

    In Germany, adoption law basically allows the adoption of adults without certain requirements. Therefore, there are numerous persons bearing the name “von Anhalt” who are no descendents from the House of Anhalt-Ascania. Only the persons listed here are actually descendents from the House of Anhalt-Ascania.
    .-= a´s last blog ..Working out =-.

  36. OMG jellies!!!! They were my FAVE, except when teeny little pea rocks got in there,which happened like every day because I grew up in the woods. Woods and jellies are not a good combination. Did I mention my mom tried to make me wear socks with them? I’m pretty sure I did a few times. They might have even had ruffles.

  38. My husband is half German, or maybe Irish, I can never remember, but I think it’s a country somewhere in Europe, so I’m sure he could get his family to support you in this taking-over-Germany-one-bit-at-a-time project. Not that I can speak for them, of course, especially if they’re German because I don’t speak the language.
    .-= Barbara´s last blog ..Ableism =-.

  42. Like I said I am the Queen of Spain. If you wish we can discuss over tea our plans to dominate Europe. I am looking into pawn shops to buy tiaras cheap. If you could please find out if jellies come in dog sizes that would be fantastic. I am a medium sized dog. I would prefer my jellies to be pink or purple. I will try to grow out my wig so I can wear big ass hair rollers like yours.

    You rock,
    Sadie.
    .-= Sadie Petunia Queen of Spain, RN, Dr Philian Therapist´s last blog ..SadiePetunia: @SirBarley are you working hard today? Is Linda giving you enough treats to sustain you? =-.

  43. Too bad Germany doesn’t have a king anymore (that went out with WW1) and they have a woman chancellor (don’t worry, your fashion sense is 100% better than hers).
    I’ll be your translator! I’m even German! 🙂 Does that qualify me? (Ok, wasn’t born there, but I’m eligible for dual citizenship) DAS BOOT! DAS BOOT! Hol uns mal ein Bier! Bier, bier, bier! DAS BOOOOOOT!

    See, I’m totally qualified as your translator. 🙂
    .-= Meandering Mel´s last blog ..Oh The Weather Outside is Frightful =-.

  44. Seriously, I can’t believe she stole your look. What a whore. And you can’t be a whore and be a Princess so that’s just one more reason to de-throne her.

    Maybe if you talked to the pilot, he would fly over Germany for you. I’m sure if you explained the situation, he would totally understand.
    .-= Kendahl´s last blog ..Weight Watchers Review =-.

  46. I had a pair of jellies with glitter in them when I was six. I called them my Cinderella shoes. My mom got them for me and I threw a fit once I found out they weren’t glass, because Cinderella shoes ARE NOT plastic. She had a tough time explaining to me why glass shoes were basically impossible. I still don’t really see the problem.
    .-= SteffanyF´s last blog ..Recipe: Peach Cobbler =-.

  47. That is great that you have a 5 year plan. My ex is dating this really old dude and his 5 year plan is to stay alive. Yes…that IS an Adam Sandler joke but it works better in the first person (see Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting). I think I need to visit Broadway more often and the video store less often!
    .-= Chas Underwood III´s last blog ..#68 – Mounting Animals =-.

  48. Can I just say, totally unrelated to this post, that the guy on your Sex Column? Kevin? I think I’m sleeping with him. I mean, maybe its a totally unrelated Kevin, but… sure sounds like something he would say.

    If he comes over tonight and wants to “radish” me, I’m going to totally laugh until I pee.

  49. OMGoodness……U R the absolute BOMB…..figuratively speaking of course. Even though my maternal grandfather’s surname was Kaizer…I am all over yr being a German Princess….I mean who better? I mean you have the ‘being organized to a sickenss’ thang down to an art…..oh I am so excited…Princess Bloggess…has such a Germanic ring don’t you think? And I mean…who knows more about sausages that you?

  50. I might have declared war on German accidentally at some point. I studied it once in college and the first thing I did in the class was make a sound like a dying cat getting out its last hairball. It might have been a declaration of war, or might have been me making known my intention to eat the fish of my uncle. I don’t know and I still don’t. German is a confusing language.

    Then again I’m pretty sure they all speak English better than the average American high school grad so whatever happens, the only threat is that they might talk shit about you behind your back, but if you only learn the dirty words you can pick that up.
    .-= Kay´s last blog ..What the hell? Zombie post? =-.

  54. Oh, c’mon! Fight back like the xanax-laced-blue-blooded princess that you were meant to be. Send them a photo of you in your finest lederhosen (which I am horrified to report, may be bought at Target), deep-throating a bratwurst or some kind of weinerschnitzel, while wading in a kiddie pool of dark beer. Out-German the little snot to gain your rightful place!
    .-= mrsbitch´s last blog ..You limp-******, mother-*******, ****-sucking, pussified, retarded, sons and daughters of rotten-******** bitches. =-.

  58. This totally made me laugh out loud! I needed it too, since I’m going through a really shitty breakup right now. Thank God for you, Bloggess, I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t have a laugh once in a while! 🙂

  59. This post is made of awesome. And if you get to be the princess, I hope you DO change the language. My distant ancestor Mark Twain (for real, we’re related) wrote a book called “The Terrible German Language” or something like that because he hated it so much. It does sound a little harsh.
    .-= Jessica´s last blog ..Practicing What I Preach =-.

  61. This German foreign exchange student we had in high school was WORTHLESS. I kept asking her how to say certain things and all I can remember is “Ich bin eine liebesmaschine- I’m just a love machine.” Joke’s on her though because now I have an aunt who lives in Germany and can teach me all the German I want- except I think she might still be in the village idiot stage because she had to go to the doctor and she was trying to explain a condition in her “private area” except she kept saying “private office.” Dammit! Now you HAVE to become the princess because I will not let that German foreign exchange BITCH have the last laugh.
    .-= Christine´s last blog ..Daily Dish: Don’t Feed the Hipsters =-.

  64. While I’m not certain that you have the authority to declare war on Germany… Belgium or New Jersey, maybe, I totally have your back. If you are looking for lackies for your new dictatorship, I would like to be coronated as the Asshat slapping Czar. Basically, my job would be to randomly slap stupid people. I could wear huge mits that emit a loud, cheesy slapping noise when I smack somebody. I would do that now, but, ya know, unpleasant repercussions, etc, etc.

  65. The real question is what the fuck is her hair going to look like after it’s in 3 curlers on the side of her head? The answer is not good. not good at all.
    .-= Maxie´s last blog ..I Want Your Sex. =-.

  66. I believe proper protocol here is a WWE-style Ladder Match, where the Princess’ shoe is suspended over the ring. Winner walks away with the title of “Princess of Germany,” as well as the husband (if one exists), who is tied up in the trunk of Triple-H’s car.
    .-= -J.´s last blog ..Indebted to: Ray B. Browne, 1922-2009 =-.

  67. Please put me on your vistior list when you arrive at Leavenworth for threating a foreign leader… Seriously dude, you are my hero.
    .-= Eric´s last blog ..Busy =-.

  69. woman,i mean princess, let me unworthy serve as thy interpreter! you are hilarious!

    and …by the way. “the hoff” is definitely no king in germany..whoever wrote that in the comments. the hoff is fucked up and noone even likes him here…i am sorry, i just had to get that off my chest…

  72. I think when you invade the German royalty, it might help to bring Nancy W. Kappes, paralegal. First and obviously, for help with your international diplomatic etiquette, and secondly, she could distract the king while you make off with the crown. And third, because it would entertain the sauerkraut out of the rest of us.
    .-= R in CT´s last blog ..carwash9.jpg =-.

  74. I might have just laughed up my internal organs out of my body. Thank you for this – it was desperately needed. You’ve won yourself a lifelong reader and train holder (Princess dress train, not choo choo train, in case you needed that clarification).
    .-= Jendeis´s last blog ..Donor Insemination Research Project =-.

  75. Your “free beer for everyone” decree would pretty much launch you from beloved German dictator to King of the World.

    Or at least, MY world.

  77. In unrelated news, how do you have time to write a blog and be insane and find boob mushrooms in your yard and get in catfights with Twitter when you could spend all week just reading the comments on everything you post?

    I think you should write an entry that has one single word (but not coliary) and I bet you get at least 48 comments.

    You’re more powerful than this German bitch. Don’t lower yourself to her level. But if you do, will you send some jellies back for me?
    .-= Love´s last blog ..I’m so excited. And I just can’t hide it. I’m about to lose control and I think I like it. =-.

  78. My grandma fled Nazi Germany during WWII and ended up in Nebraska. I guess she wanted us to remmember our heritage or legacy so she taught us how to say “shit” in German/Dutch/Deutsh (scheisse, but sounds like shiza) and also taught me how to say “Ich springe mit mein nackt arsch in dein gesicht” which may or may not translate as “I will jump with my naked butt in your face”. Oh dear sweet Oma and her nackt arsch.

  80. Achtung! I drinken to das bloggess fur her laughinmaken und princessbekomen und free bier fur alles der men und womenkinder und I wishen her goodlucken in das Japanen.
    .-= Monkey Kurt´s last blog ..monoface =-.

  81. I think a (former) princess warrants putting *all* the criminals in iron masks so you can’t tell the regular criminals from the princessy ones. But just remember that her curlers would stick out, so you should probably make everyone where iron-helmets, with full-facial-iron-masks. I don’t think you could make a shiv from that, but as a guard, you’d have to watch out for the head-butts. Maybe make the guards wear iron helmets too, for their own protection. Ones with shiny badges on them so that you can tell the good guys from the criminally guys.
    .-= harmzie´s last blog ..Out of Water =-.

  86. Good news everyone. I’ve found the Princess on Twitter. @PrincessGermany (Mwoohoohahahaha) So… you should definitely follow her… because… you know… it’s her. And I have a feeling the source of much entertainment for me for the next 48 hours. Meanwhile, you should just be God of Germany. I don’t really see you in a subservient role.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Really? ‘Cause I think you’re the odd one. =-.

  91. Your hair is going to be SO curly if you ever take out those damned curlers, girlfriend. And I know you said I couldn’t call you girlfriend in public, but this doesn’t count as public.

    You’re what the German’s call: Der GerBoobenCurlerComedianBitchzger. It means, “Beloved Princess” or something. It’s cool how everything is just one word in German.

    When you become Hitler, can I be your Eva Braun?

    I don’t know.

    Hello, Jenny the Bloggess.
    .-= scott´s last blog ..The Set of All Things Belonging to The Set =-.

  92. Your hair is going to be SO curly if you ever take out those damned curlers, girlfriend. And I know you said I couldn’t call you girlfriend in public, but this doesn’t count as public.

    You’re what the Germans call: Der GerBoobenCurlerComedianBitchzger. It means, “Beloved Princess” or something. It’s cool how everything is just one word in German, isn’t it Der GerBoobenCurlerComedianBitchzger?

    My point is this: When you become Hitler, can I be your Eva Braun?

    I don’t know.

    Hello, Jenny the Bloggess.
    .-= scott´s last blog ..The Set of All Things Belonging to The Set =-.

  94. I thought you were Queen of Texas? Texas is a country, right?…have you seen how big it is? It’s way bigger than Luxembourg and they speak English and Spanish in Texas which is way more awesome! Your country is like bilingual which is bitchin’.

    p.s. if you decree “free beer for everyone” the population of your country will grow exponentially which is to say wicked awesome large!

    All hail the Bloggess, Queen of Texas, Giver of Free Beer!
    .-= Jenn´s last blog ..A-Rod Who? =-.

  96. PPPPPPPPS. Is your soon-to-be-former-daughter a lesbian? In which case parties in prison are totally possible. Just thought I’d throw that out there. How much do you really know your daughter anyway?
    .-= Leesh´s last blog ..Mennifying Products =-.

  98. Our little Obama girls are practically princesses (What. It was them or the Kardashians. But they’re a different TYPE of princess), and they would never fuck with foreign royalty like that. Have some damn respect, German Bitch.

    The Bloggess has an ARMY of STABBY, JELLY-WEARING BITCHES over here that are all high on Judy Garland Trail Mix and ready to do some cutting. Think of THAT the next time you try to be cute.

    Das Whore.
    .-= TxtingMrDarcy´s last blog ..Halloween for Wusses =-.

  100. Also you forgot to tell him you’ll need better clothes, because her dress is ridiculous. Maybe a nice 1983-ish pink prom dress would work. Molly Ringwald could possibly design it. But otherwise, I’m sure he’ll do what you say, since it’s war.
    .-= juliejulie´s last blog ..Twist Pop Media Goes to Vegas =-.

  101. Sometimes I forget why I love you so much. But then I read stuff like this and I remember.

    It’s only fair to warn you, however, that I will forget again pretty soon. I’m very forgetful.
    .-= Lara´s last blog ..Rediscovering Lara =-.

  102. “PPPS. My husband just told me that we don’t fly over Germany on the way to Japan because Germany is in a different direction. Clever move, Germany. You win this round.”
    This cracked me up!
    .-= Diana´s last blog ..What Can I Write for YOU? =-.

  103. Crazy thing is, as I read this post? I totally got a nosebleed. And I am 50% German. And it was only one nostril.

    Coincidence? I think not.
    .-= Jamie´s last blog ..Some of us. =-.

  104. Is it just me, or does Princess Julia Eilika look an awful lot like Casey/@mooshinindy? I seriously thought it was her at first glance, before I read this entry. Fascinating. Maybe you should BOTH get princess’ed for that beeyotch bogarting your thing.
    .-= cindy w´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: living room edition =-.

  107. How have I not seen your blog before? You are so freakin’ FUNNY! Okay, so I know how to decide the Princess….THE THUNDERDOME!! Two man enter-One man(uh, woman) leaves!!! You can use anything- hairdryers(rigged with propane), high heels (filed to a point), and hair rollers!! Good luck my dear. I will be the one waiting far from the Dome in line for my free beer.

    Cheers!
    .-= mybumpyjourney´s last blog ..Show and Tell =-.

  108. ‘Scheisse’ means ‘shit’ in German, ‘Fuhrer’ is ‘leader,’ and ‘I am’ is ‘Ich bin.’ Now get someone to teach you to say “free beer,” “please,” and “thank you” (because manners are classy), and I think you’ll be set.

    Oh. And “Do you speak English?” would probably be handy.

  109. It’s actually “Deutsch” because it’s “Deutschland.” Where did we get “German” and “Germany” from is what I wanna know.

    I can be your interpreter, since I’m living in Germany and all. My deutsch sucks, but I can just make up things and you’ll never know the difference. Oh, but wait, since I’m living here, doesn’t that make me a spy? A true war criminal? No offense, but being a spy is WAY cooler than being an interpreter. Just let me know what I should spy on and I’ll get to work!

    BTW, it would be “frei bier” auf deutsch. Fancy, huh?
    .-= SupaCoo´s last blog ..Mistaken Identity, Revisited =-.

  110. I still maintain that you don’t want to be a princess because of all the inbreeding. Look at that photo of Princess Julia. She definitely looks like she’s missing a few screws (and that’s not a reference to the hair curlers for an official website (seriously, WTF PEOPLE?)

    Then again, in terms of the inbreeding, that may not be a problem. I’ve never visited Texas, but I’ve heard the stories…
    .-= JChevais´s last blog ..Baby Tripping =-.

  115. I hear that the Princess of Germany is in charge of not only all beer production, but chocolate as well.
    Position yourself carefully and you can have the world by the balls by holding the German Beer and Chocolate supplies! MUH HAH HAH HAH HAH – COUGH HACK GAH HAH HAHA HAH!

  118. Fuck.
    Does this mean we have stop buying wienerschnitzel?
    Fuck.

    And the princess is too happy to be a sour Krout.

    At least you didn’t say “Take me to your Leder Hosen”—–although you were working your way around to it, part of the 5 year plan for sure.

  119. Girl…i hope someone told you how to use the japanese style toilets. They usually have both styles but I think for the sake of your blog, you really need to experience Japanese style firsthand. Purely for research purposes, of course.
    .-= JenJenK´s last blog ..Santa Monica =-.

  121. Is this why FB kept asking me if I wanted to speak to my friends in Deutsch? This princess is insidious. Quite the gorilla marketress, if you ask me. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s the reason Twitter is molesting you. Be careful, Jenny. This woman has her sinister tendrils everywhere.

  123. If you wanted princess protocol I could have given it to you! I’m the princess of the Universe in my Head…! You’re thinking if it’s in your head then why wouldn’t you be the queen right?? Aha! People hate queens, they like prinesses and shit a lot more! They think they’re all innocent and feminine…! Shiiiii, not me…I know for a fact that the princess of Poland is a douche in a skirt! I’m a secretly evil princess too…who am I kidding it’s no secret!
    I’ll send you the princess protocol, just a list of shit that you can get away with…like snatching lollipops from toddlers and screaming “terrorist” at any passerby…(<—this gets them beheaded, so use it wisely)!
    .-= BlackBird´s last blog ..Ignoring People is Fun…Try it! =-.

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  127. All hail Princess Jenny!!!

    OMG! This is hilarious.

    And I could have kidnapped Tim Gunn for ya if I had been at Blogher. (I’m good at that shit. Trust me.) But I wasn’t. Cuz I suck and can’t get sponsored.

    And where does this chick get off stealing your look? What, she thinks she’s royalty or somethin’? Oh, wait, she IS a princess and shit. Oh, well.

    I think your plan will work. Let me know if you need any help. I have some pent up aggression I need to release…
    .-= Shan @ Last Shreds Of Sanity´s last blog ..Just Another Wordless Wednesday… =-.

  128. Okay so you can count me in on the coup. Growing up, everyone thought I was German because of my last name. Except that came when my Grandfather came to America through Ellis Island and the jerkwad at the desk said – What’s your name – and when my Granddad said his name (in Russian), the twit said “this is your name in America”…

    But because of that craptastic governmental nonsense, I was convinced I was German for sure. And when I was in the army, I even went to Germany for 18 months. So I know the layout pretty decent.

    You could make Munich the capital, and that oh so famous Hofbrau haus (beer capital of the world) be the palace where all your worshipers come and grovel at your feet. And if the jellies make them sweat, you could just make the grovelers lick them clean for you. total time saver.
    .-= Alan Bleiweiss´s last blog ..Six Rules for Custom eCommerce SEO =-.

  129. Could you please take my two year old daughter with you when go to rule Germany? She is stubborn and we call her Princess Poopalotta (she shits like a fiend). It would be nice if you could knight her or something like that or even make her a real princess. She has the tiara, shoes, dress, sparkly purse and the attitude. Let me know if you need my address to pick her up or I could just mail her to you.
    .-= Stacie Haight Connerty´s last blog ..Mamavation – The First Week =-.

  134. I actually think that the princess looks much more sophisticated than Princess Bloggess. Don’t you think?
    Also, as you seem to research the internet thoroughly, you should have noticed that there is art (older than you) which already portrays your so-called stolen look. I recommend RESEARCH RESEARCH RESEARCH PRINCESS BLOGGESS!
    FYI:
    http://www.hannahwilke.com/id5.html
    http://www.brooklynrail.org/2005/04/art/diane-arbus-revelations-beyond-shock
    http://www.artknowledgenews.com/Santa_Barbara_Museum_of_Art.html
    http://www.pasadenaweekly.com/cms/story/detail/this_side_of_paradise/6140/
    http://www.modernindenver.com/modern_article.php?aNum=27

    However, I’m aware that it might be difficult to hear about these kinda things in Texas….

    I would suggest to change your look entirely as the competition is enormous.

    With kind regards,

    The Princess Supporter

  135. Honest to gawd…My BFF’s, wife’s Dad {following?} was the treasurer for Switzerland.
    Not sure how that applies, but in your plan, if you should need an ‘in’ with Switzerland, I could hook you up…
    and for free of course – I mean, I’m Canadian…and like Switzerland – we’re neutral…so I’d hold no hard feelings – whatever devastation may come {especially with the free beer} …. speaking of which, I am so THERE for your free beer plan. I’d vote for you…screw the King and Princess idea – BLOGESS FOR GERMAN PRESIDENT!!! You could order everyone to wear Jellies…YA!!
    Hey, and I’m half Czech too!! They will NEVER suspect us!!!
    SHHHHHHH…..
    .-= Tammi @ My Organized Chaos´s last blog ..Custom T Couture ~ $200 Cash Giveaway =-.

  136. i couldn’t be bothered reading through all the comments, but after reading a few i felt a dose of clarity could help:

    there is no king/prince of germany. nobility was abolished in germany after WW 1. the whole “princess this” and “prince that” just became a part of their name. the former noble families still haven’t coped with that and produce big webpages with all their crests trying to hold to the past

  137. I regret informing you, that there is no royal family in Germany, Stealing Princess Julias “throne” would not make you Princess of Germany, since she is only Princess of Anhalt which is probably the size of New Jersey – and seriously, who would want to have New Jersey??? Anyway, the Anhalt family doesn’t even live in Anhalt, because no one in Anhalt wants the Anhalt family. The poor bastards have to live in Munich – that’s no fun, I assure you, Munich is the place where we keep all the stupid, annoying, unloved and unloveable individuals that call themselves the “rich and beautiful” and those few retarded that actually like lederhosen. And we lure innocent American tourists into viviting the Oktoberfest in Munich with reality-bending articles in traveller’s guides, who then think they know something about Germany *resignated shaking of head*

    Crap, I totally zoned out… Where were we? Ahh right, your noble cause to get rid of that princess, from whom I’ve never heard in my entire life.
    To become Princess of Germany you would have to defeat about 40 princesses in combat – and that is only a rough number of the royal houses in Germany. But if your first decree after that somewhat tiring exercise is “free beer”, I’m pretty sure the German people would cheer you on. Yeah, we’re that corrupt. We can’t help it, we just love beer. If you’re unable to understand that devotion, you probably never had a good beer. Oh, you’re American – you certainly never had a good beer.

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  141. Alright so I’m posting a comment on this WAY after the fact, because I may or may not have gone back to the start and started reading from the beginning to stalk you. Stop judging me.

    ANYWAY, I just had to comment on the jellies, because one time I was in a store and they had jellies and I didn’t really notice them but then I was looking at something close to them and I smelled them and it smelled like my childhood (because I was a kid in the 80’s, so naturally I was all about the jellies) and so I kept casually walking by that part of the store and sniffing in so I could keep smelling them… it was all I could do to stop myself from grabbing a pair and snorting them.

    That is all. I should really get back to work. And by “work”, I mean “reading all your blog pots and ignoring my boss”.

  143. I’m not saying I do approve of a coup against the German princess, and I’m not saying I don’t approve – all I’m saying is, the van will be waiting.

    I think you know what I mean.

  145. Can’t help but notice in the comments how many people are reading your blog instead of working. This is fabulous news to me as an unemployed old codger. Soon, I can only hope, you will have reduced American (and potentially German and Japanese) productivity to the point where employers will have to hire more workers to get the jobs done, and there may be some hope then of me actually returning to work. Thank you. Thank you, Oh Princess of mine. I remain ever your loyal subject.
    .-= Jonah Gibson´s last blog ..Day 132 – Betty Boop and the Witch Queen =-.

  146. If you make us all your advisors, we can rule Germany from H-Town.
    Germans like wearing cowboy hats anyway…we’re half-way there.

    (one question…who is going to curl the ex-princess’ hair when she’s in the clink?)
    .-= The Queer Next Door´s last blog ..LOST…That About Sums It Up =-.

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  150. Okay, so I never comment on blogs and probably you won’t even read this because it’s like a year later…I’ve been reading your blog from the beginning because I was sick and it cheered me up. And now I’m addicted. But I HAVE TO TELL YOU that I am wearing clear jellies RIGHT NOW!!! And I was so. fucking. excited. when I saw this post, so I had to diffuse the excitement by commenting before it made my head explode.

    I haven’t finished reading your blog, so I don’t know how this princess thing worked out for you, but if you are now princess of Germany, I will happily donate my jellies to the cause (is that gross? probably). And maybe you could superglue some crown jewels on them to give them a more royal look, because mine aren’t glittery–sorry.

  151. I am heading straight to the hospital to have my sides stitched back together. I thought I would die while I was reading this princess post and THEN I watched the video. OMG…I have a headache….lol

  152. OK she totally ripped off your picture. But they speak German in Germany, not Dutch. Trust me, my Polish grandmother still spits at those fools for what they did to her farm during WW2.

  154. Watch out for the jellies when it’s hot out, I had to wear them with my dance troupe at a street fair (in the 80s) and they melted and fell off. Stay safe!

  155. The Dutch word for Dutch is Nederlands. Which is even more confusing. Also, I live in Germany and I have NO IDEA who she is. She ain’t my princess. What with not having a king and all.

  156. haha this is brill. although i must say i am surprised you didn’t know that Dutch is what the Dutch speak… you know, people from Holland lol. it is confusing though when in Germany they refer to German as Deutsche! (and the languages sound kinda similar even though they’re very different: they’re both Germanic. in my opinion, dutch sounds like a funny/parody version of German, and i’m allowed to say that because i’m half dutch and i think German is beautiful) 😛

  157. I am sloooowly catching up on your and Greg’s (Telling Dad) posts. I have been laughing for two days and for an over 40 woman, we all know what that means. My husband now calls me “Puddles” but in a sweet, “I love you” kind of way.

    ~ Dr Brassy

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