Twitter will molest you.

Conversation between me and twitter, who is kind of an asshole:

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And that’s the reason why I don’t like twitter.  Because it’s judgemental and it never goes away.  It’s like your junior high boyfriend when you’re all “You hang up the phone first” and he’s all “No, you hang up” and you’re like “No, you hang up” and he probably thinks he’s being all romantic by not hanging up but you really want him to hang up because you have to pee and you don’t want him to hear you peeing.  And that’s basically what twitter is all about.  This is like a tutorial for people who are new to twitter.  You should send new twitterers here so they won’t be all freaked out when twitter starts molesting them because if you’re not expecting it it can be very confusing.  Like getting your first period.  Basically this is the “Are You There God?  It’s me, Margaret” of the twitter world.

PS.  If people try to tell you that twitter doesn’t occasionally talk to you they are lying to you.  Or perhaps they just aren’t observant enough.  Or drunk enough.  I don’t know.  I’m not here to judge those people.  I’m here to help you. You’re welcome.

Comment of the day: Thanks for the mention, poodle-muffin. What are you doing? ~ Twitter

156 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I knew something was up yesterday when Twitter asked to check my package.
    .-= always home and uncool´s last blog ..Conditions May Be Slippery =-.

  2. Wow, twitter sounds bitter. I was similarly stalked by a hotmail account that kept calling itself a “hot male” and winking. Very creepy. I feel your pain.
    .-= Makya´s last blog ..A Starr is Born =-.

  3. Omg LMAO

    What are YOU doing?

  4. ROFL! I’ve never been molested by Twitter, is there something wrong with me? :(
    .-= Sarcastica´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.

  5. I can only imagine the conversations in your head that you don’t write about. Fuck, you’re funny. Or crazy. Or both. Love it!
    .-= Susan Mercedes´s last blog ..A Site That Makes Me Smile =-.

  6. Yet another reminder that you’re much, much, much funnier than me. Thanks for further fueling my inferiority complex.
    .-= Daddy Scratches´s last blog ..Get real =-.

  7. Wow… you probably put way more effort than was necessary into this… but it was probably worth it…or not… I’m not sure. Twitter leaves me feeling sexually confused.
    .-= Rob´s last blog ..BITCHFACE IS THE NEW EVIL EYE… pass it on =-.

  8. Marvellous. You’ve captured the whole ethos of Twitter – including the amazing bladder control that is needed in order to keep up! Still chuckling.
    .-= Karen Redman´s last blog ..How to Have a Really Good Evening =-.

  9. Twitter says I’m gay. It also makes fun of my shoes. Not my good ones, though. I’m not sure I could take that.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Really? ‘Cause I think you’re the odd one. =-.

  10. What are you doing?!

    Yeah. Sorry. I couldn’t help myself.

    OK. I lied. I’m not *really* sorry.
    .-= Amy @ Taste Like Crazy´s last blog ..Used To Be Me =-.

  11. Oh holy hell, this was funny. Twitter totally tries to fuck with me all the time. It’s a bit ridiculous, honestly.
    .-= Kendahl´s last blog ..I Almost Forgot! =-.

  12. Keep it up, Twitter. We have her just where we want her.
    .-= bea´s last blog ..office gossip: he’s just not into it =-.

  13. What about facebook? It harasses too

  14. Poodle muffin. Something about how those two words sound when smooshed together makes me want to laugh, but for some reason it’s stuck between “actual laugh” and my brain saying “you should laugh now.” I bet that’s what a stroke feels like.
    .-= Imnotbenny´s last blog ..I saw a sign on the side of the road yesterday that said "Lost: Canoe." =-.

  15. OMFG. I can’t type because I’m still laughing.
    .-= Jessica @ How Sweet´s last blog ..Carmelized Pear, Figs, and Gorgonzola. =-.

  16. Maybe it’s meant to be some type of existential question… it’s the question that will always have an answer, “What are you doing?” I’m typing this comment. See!
    .-= Marisa @ Where’s The Party?´s last blog ..Has anyone else wanted to wear one of these lately? =-.

  17. WAHAHAH that was amazing. And oh so true. Except my twitter has never called me poodle muffin. And if he did, he’d probably win me over.
    .-= carissajaded´s last blog ..Just trying to be helpful =-.

  18. Jenny. Jenny. Phone MUTE BUTTON.

    If you ever get access to a time machine, dude, you, your middle school boyfriend, and your bladder can all thank me.
    .-= That Kind of Girl´s last blog ..The Kind of Girl Who …. comes on waaay too strong =-.

  19. I once had a similar but less coherent conversation with a chatterbot. Of course you realize now people are going to start calling you poodle-muffin.
    .-= The Great Joe Bivins´s last blog ..Unpopular Blog: Across the 8th Dimension! =-.

  20. Awesome.
    .-= Kyla´s last blog ..This week, I… =-.

  21. You had a boyfriend in junior high? I didn’t even have one in high school. Thanks for making me feel bad, Jenny. Now I need to go back in time and get a girlfriend in high school.
    .-= Neil´s last blog ..Exciting World Series Publicity Stunt =-.

  22. Damnit, now my side hurts from the laughter. You remain the funniest woman I know (well, sorta know. I guess I don’t REALLY know you, and certainly not in the biblical sense, since you’re married, I’m married and that would be so very wrong on so many levels, but damn, you’re good, and and perhaps I’ll just stop now and resume my afternoon).
    .-= David´s last blog ..I get by with a little help from my friends (with tentacles) =-.

  23. What all of a sudden you have *morals* now? Right. You’d make out with Twitter in a red hot second. ADMIT IT.
    .-= AmyAnne´s last blog ..A Letter: Your Vagina, The Highway of Life =-.

  24. If Twitter was a girl it would so give you more that 140 characters to speak your mind.
    .-= William´s last blog ..Inspiration and Intimidation =-.

  25. I’m pretty sure you suck at PhotoShop.
    .-= Toy With Me´s last blog ..I Think Police Are Sexy =-.

  26. I was molested by blue painters tape yesterday. It’s was horrifying. I think it has a foot fetish because it would not leave my feet alone. It also grabbed my ass. Totally creepy. My hubby showed it who was boss though and violently threw it in the garbage. He really showed it. My hero.
    .-= LB @Wait, She Said What?´s last blog ..We should all stick a tea pot up our nose. Apparently. =-.

  27. Apparently, I don’t use twitter enough because it has never called me poodle-muffin. Wait, no one has ever called me poodle-muffin. That’s probably a good thing.
    .-= C @ Kid Things´s last blog ..100 =-.

  28. I think you should probably lay off of Nancy W. Kappes’ trail mix for a little while. Clearly your other medication is not counteracting the paranoia side effects of the trail mix. Good luck.

    What are you doing?
    .-= a´s last blog ..Working out =-.

  29. You’re all kinds of awesome, Jenny!

    This is exactly why I’m NOT on Twitter. Thanks for justifying my decision.
    .-= Scribe´s last blog ..Workin’ the net =-.

  30. This was really hard to read. While driving. And laughing part didn’t help either.
    .-= elle dubya´s last blog ..What’s In My Pantry? =-.

  31. Sweet mother of christ, that may have been the funniest thing I’ve ever read.

    I gotta go blow my nose, snot’s flying out
    .-= Scott Stratten´s last blog ..By: mahalamazerov =-.

  32. When I first started using facebook, it still had that thing where the update box started with “Jacquie is…”, so I’d feel compelled to finish the sentence referring to myself in the 3rd person. And then I didn’t notice when it changed so I’d still be updating with lines like: “Contemplating the impact of global warming on her automatic ice cube dispenser”, and then my so-called friends started to inexplicably drop off of my list. I just checked to see what the update box asks right now, and it says “What’s on your mind?” But I think it already knows.
    .-= Jacquie´s last blog ..pumpkin patch, cali style =-.

  33. If twitter could see you murdering that clown, I am really worried that it just saw what I did in my powder room. Oh Fuck!
    .-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..Pillow Talk =-.

  34. Reminds me of that web site with a red button and says don’t click on the red button. But you click and click and click even though it tells you not to and the button starts to harass you and before you know it you’ve wasted 15 minutes when you should be working. Not that I’ve ever done that. Twice.
    .-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Hump Day Humor: Giant Bat =-.

  35. You know, I think you should give twitter some credit, S/He is just asking you what your doing, It’s interested in your life, it wants to know, it has taken a genuine liking to you (as evidenced by the massage offer.) If anything, I think you should be flattered. I would love someone to be that persistent in expressing interest in my mundane activities. I think you should apologize to Twitter, and maybe take it out for a nice dinner. Because that is the proper way to apologize a person.

    Twitter likes Italian…. Just putting that out there.

  36. Twitter’s insistence on being informed of all the details of your daily life is kind of like that friend who just got a cellphone so she calls you all the time to ask you what you’re doing just because her life is totally boring, and you don’t have time to talk to her, but you were brought up to use proper etiquettte, so you always have to ask her what she’s doing, which is nothing, and she really just called so you’ll entertain her, and if you say you have to go because you’re busy, she acts all hurt like she’s not important enough for you to talk to, so then you feel guilty and talk to her for way too long because you’re sure that if you don’t, she’ll just call again later with the same question.

    Yeah, twitter is just like that. What an asshole.
    .-= Barbara´s last blog ..How to Get Fewer Followers on Twitter and Why This is a Good Thing =-.

  37. Okay. Now I know I can’t twitter (or is it tweet), because I don’t need anymore anxiety added to my day.

    BTW you’re fucking hilarious!
    .-= Summer´s last blog ..The Day I Decided To Get A Life. Kinda. =-.

  38. that’s a twitter.
    .-= kelliegonzo´s last blog ..mamma mia! =-.

  39. It’s when Twitter tells me “I couldn’t give a shit what you’re doing” that my feelings get a little hurt. So really, consider yourself lucky.

  40. LOL!!!
    .-= Michelle´s last blog ..&hearts:Costumes. =-.

  41. Fuck. Twitter *never* talks to me. Damnit, now I feel like I did I high school.
    (fuck you twitter!)
    .-= Amber McN´s last blog ..Walk This Way =-.

  42. Gosh she’s complaining… Lady, I will be happy if somebody will be interested so much in MY life.
    .-= Aleutie´s last blog ..What’s Hot, What’s Not Wednesday =-.

  43. best. post. ever.

    pushed over the mark by the “are you there god, it’s me margaret” reference.

    you are so my hero poodle-muffin
    .-= txsjewels´s last blog ..do you see a pattern here? =-.

  44. That’s about the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time. What am I doing? I’m sitting here laughing trying to explain what I’m laughing about to the guy who doesn’t actually know what twitter does and failing…

    Bravo. :)
    .-= ShredderFeeder´s last blog ..Politics: What I’ve learned… =-.

  45. Wait a second, you mean Twitter tricked me into showing it my boobs? Mother. Fucker.

  46. People whose Twitter doesn’t fuck with them obviously get too much sleep. If I get more than four hours a night for three nights in a row, my Twitter is very, very stoic and refuses to engage me in the witty repartee to which I’ve become so accustomed.

    Twitter is very passive-aggressive. And it’s all, “Haha, Jett, I’d like to see you *try* and gouge out my important bits, you silly bitch.”

  47. Twitter and I had to go start communicating via a mediator: Tweetdeck.
    .-= Miss Grace´s last blog ..The Worst Happy Birthday Post EVER =-.

  48. Thanks for the mention poodle-muffin. What are you doing?

  49. so i shouldn’t tweet so it can’t hear me pee?
    .-= erin´s last blog ..not me! =-.

  50. OMG I saw none of this on Twitter, did you block me???? Am I the clown you murdered? Am I the wheat that originated the poodle-muffin? What have you dooooooneeeeeee?????

  51. This is EVEN FUNNIER to me because I 1) just joined Twitter and 2) blamed you for it. (I even @’ed you and stuff.)
    Yeah…my sense of humor is obviously warped.

  52. I’m pretty sure I can hear Twitter peeing. *While* it’s telling me I’m a horrible mom for giving my kids the H1N1 vaccination AND a horrible mom for NOT giving my kids the H1N1 vaccination AND that it has H1N1. But it’s still less confusing than some real-life conversations.
    .-= harmzie´s last blog ..Very Small Rocks =-.

  53. OMG, I can’t stop laughing… Twitter has been acting weird lately.. now I think I know why…
    .-= MommyBrain´s last blog ..Imagination Movers on Tour! =-.

  54. Ah! I gets called cutesy names by Twitter also. Although, instead of calling me “poodle muffin”, Twitter tends to call me “Mr. Dumpasaurus”.
    Wait. That may not be cutesy. Also, instead of “Twitter”, I may mean “fiance”.
    .-= Monkey Kurt´s last blog ..Bon Jovi Surprise =-.

  55. Huh, between the Judy Blume reference and the revelation that Twitter might be a woman, I can’t get the sentence “Twitter bleeds once a month from its vagina” out of my head.

    Eep.

  56. Holy frickin hell – that was hilarious! Twitter is a whore just so you know. She gets around to everyone!

  57. TWITTER IS NOT A WOMAN

  58. Jenny, don’t you know Twitter is deaf and blind and on the Spectrum and that’s why it repeats questions and shit? Twitter had to overcome a lot to get where it is — like Stephen Hawkings or Cher — and so your whole post is just a slap in the face to the deaf, blind and Spectrumed. Shocked.
    .-= Deb on the Rocks´s last blog ..Hoarders is a Mirror You Want to Give Away on Freecycle =-.

  59. Not only was that totally hilarious, but I think you’re seeing a different twitter than I am. My twitter just keeps pestering me about why I’m not doing “real work” all the time… maybe my twitter is actually impersonating my mom instead of my dad? ;)
    .-= Nathalie Lussier´s last blog ..3 Halloween Treats for the Raw Curious =-.

  60. LOL. Funny post. I like twitter asked what you were wearing. That made me LOL.
    .-= Rob´s last blog ..DreamSacks® Short Wrap review and giveaway =-.

  61. Well, this explains why my twitter is so tame. Chicks *never* hit on me- I think it’s a boob thing cuz I’m stacked like a broomstick.
    .-= Christine´s last blog ..Bravo TV Video – Coming Undone =-.

  62. Oh, man. I needed a good laugh today. Thanks for providing!
    .-= Katie´s last undefined ..If you register your site for free at =-.

  63. For all I know, it *is* saying all sorts of weird things on the prompt but I’ve gotten so used to it that I just filter it out. But then I’m a guy. We’re good at that.

    …What were you saying again?
    .-= Steve´s last blog ..#94 Fryed =-.

  64. You just made me happy all over. Not in a pervy twitter way.
    .-= Kaylynn´s last blog ..Okay, Now You’ve Done It! =-.

  65. Amazing. Twitter is such a bitch.
    .-= Kirsten´s last blog ..My Awesome New Powers! =-.

  66. This reminds of that old school DOS “game” called Eliza. You know, the freaky one that would “talk” to you based on whatever you typed? You know the one? Of course, you do.
    .-= cagey´s last blog ..OCD Babies Wear Garanimals =-.

  67. Thus proving that twitter is indeed female, because no bloke would show that much persistent interest in what you are doing. Or be so nit-picking. Or call you poodle-muffin without snorting laughter.
    .-= jay´s last blog ..Because I said so, and because he couldn’t.* =-.

  68. I joined Twitter this morning because of all those posts of yours I keep missing & just as sign up to follow you I get linked back to your Blog au Awesomeness! It’s like one of those ‘when the moon is in the 7th house and Jenny aligns blogs with Twitter’ scenarios.
    .-= Leesh´s last blog ..My brain is TOTALLY named Brian =-.

  69. I was sure that twitter once asked me what I was thinking. But never what I was wearing.
    .-= pixielation´s last blog ..Chinese for one =-.

  70. I tell Twitter to MYOB all the time. I think Twitter is DEAF.
    .-= Lihsa´s last blog ..Live Streaming Conferences — Learn From My Mistakes!! =-.

  71. *Dead* Bury me in a lace onesie with KSwisses and a faux fur shrug. Give me a nice eulogy and say how fierce my shoe collection is. Then tell my Mom I loved her.

    FUNNIEST ish I’ve read ALL day
    .-= Luvvie´s last blog ..BET Hip Hop Awards was Wack (it didn’t disappoint) =-.

  72. Ok. Story time…

    Definitely on par with that whole dude, you really need to hang the fuck up. No. It’s not cute that I said fuck in a high pitched voice. It’s because I just had to squeez my labia shut with a set of crampons…

    Why is the relavent? Well, (this is the story part) I was once on the phone with my husband while he was driving somewhere for work and wherever it was, was a long ass way away from wherever he started…so I ended up on the phone for fucking ever. And fucking ever is a long, long time to hold your pee…so finally I just marched myself to the bathroom and did my thing while he was going on about…traffic, probably.

    He stops talking all of a sudden all, “are you peeing?!?”
    And thanks to modern technology, he’s got one of the cars where the phone comes through the speakers…freakish, I know.

    Anyway, I was like, “Ummm. Yes?”

    Then he’s all, “Uhhh….Joey’s in the car….too.”

    THE. FUCK.

    What the hell happened to speaker phone etiquette?
    .-= Jessica´s last blog ..being a bitch is way better than being prom queen. =-.

  73. I wish that I had discovered Twitter while I was single. Even if it is gender confused, it would have been nice to be called “poodle-muffin” once in a while.

    I wonder if my boyfriend would be into that kind of role-playing… “Ok, now you be Twitter.”
    .-= txtingmrdarcy´s last blog ..Women are from Venus, Men are from Assholeville =-.

  74. Great post, Bloggess. I wish I could think of something witty to contribute, but I’m reeling from making stupid Halloween costumes.
    .-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..The vultures are circling =-.

  75. Very funny! Until twitter comes. . . in the dark. . . in the night. . . when no one’s around to hear you scream. . . (Wait. Did you hear that?)

  76. And….This is the reason I will try to be a bit more active on twitter. It may try to attack lurkers like myself one day.
    .-= C.B. Jones´s last blog ..SpookyDrivel: Special Halloween Sale – half off all severed anuses =-.

  77. You just connected Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret to Twitter…I. I’m impressed.
    .-= Just Shireen´s last blog ..What Are You? HE’S A VAMPIRE! DEAR GOD HE’S A VAMPIRE! =-.

  78. It’s HAL, only so much, much more.
    You are such a great writer. Thanks for making my day, my week….

  79. Feckin’ hilarious!

    On a serious note, beware, people. After a night of debauchery, Twitter left my friend with a nasty rash.
    .-= Akilah Sakai´s last blog ..The Human Body =-.

  80. Oh Poodle-Muffin tell Twitter it can’t be a woman until it reads Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret.
    .-= Aria’z Ink´s last blog ..I Was A Cross Between Pretty Woman and A Compton Gang Member So We Went To Galveston =-.

  81. You’re muffining a poodle ? I’m pretty sure that’s illeagle in Alabama.

  82. Your posts don’t scare me but your readers do. If I were you, I’d get out of the country a while. When’s that sex-Japan thing happening?
    .-= Robin ~ PENSIEVE´s last blog ..Old dogs, new tricks & mighty revelation =-.

  83. I guess Twitter and I are not too stalker/creepy stage of our relationship. Maybe Twitter is just unsure of my level of commitment to him? Her? It? Whatever.

    You totally crack my ass up and my honey totally doesn’t get it, and that makes me laugh even harder.
    .-= Ms Batman (Becky)´s last blog ..Some days I make my mother so proud. You’re welcome Mom. =-.

  84. You are freaking hilarious. And I don’t care that I’m the 87th person to tell you that, just today. You deserve every damned accolade you get. Even if you won’t tell us what you’re actually doing. What *are* you doing?
    .-= Naptimewriting´s last blog ..I’m sorry….what? =-.

  85. THIS is exactly why I never use Twitter! I have had bad experiences with crazy women in my life…but srsly, you always rock it, Jenny. Thanks for the giggles.

  86. If I witnessed you murdering a clown, I would say something more along the lines of “Yes! Let me help you with that knife/gun/bow and arrow/scythe” because clowns are just so fucking scary. Kind of like twitter when she gets flirty, which usually only happens to me after I give her a few drinks (she likes girlie ones with umbrellas, BTW. Just in case you wanted to get her drunk later or something, I don’t judge).
    .-= superblondgirl´s last blog ..Back on the internet again =-.

  87. I am probably the biggest loser of twitter. I have maybe 50 followers. A handful of them aren’t real people and the others never respond to my tweets. So…Twitter doesn’t harass me or molest me…I sometimes harass Twitter–trying to get a rise out of him (mine’s a him) so that maybe he WILL molest me.
    .-= Martie´s last blog ..Wine, Rain, Trash And A Tiny Headache… =-.

  88. OMG! This is so funny.
    Hail to the Bloggess!

  89. i knew it! this is just like the time i found out this other person was tweeting my tweets. because i got so mad at twitter that he didn’t immediately zap them off the face of the earth because that’s just mean. so i thought about canceling twitter and never going back but then i didn’t because then who would i tell that my nose is stuffy, right? so i went to the help section and i asked twitter to help me and twitter didn’t do ANYthing. and that whore (or robot whore) is still there. WITH MY PERSONAL DRIVEL! all over her whorey page.

    apparently twitter was involved in a mind game with you. and couldn’t help me. and my nose is stuffy. the end.
    .-= mylittlebecky´s last blog ..open mouth, insert ballz =-.

  90. I need to upgrade to a premium Twitter account. Mine isn’t anything like that.
    .-= Marinka´s last blog ..Brow Beating =-.

  91. This is so true! I thought I was the only one twitter was subtly flirting with! Though she got pissy when I missed our 2 year anniversary.

  92. The *Twitter* comment some where up there, now I know you TheBloggess are just Fucking with us…. I say us because if I said ME that would sound insanely egotisical…and there is no way your twitter wanted anything to do with mine. I may have to rethink my relationship with you though??
    .-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..It Is Sunday @ 5:00 PM =-.

  93. This one freaked me out a little. Poodle-muffin sounds exactly like something my 15-year-old daughter would say. So right now I’m about 78.647% sure my daughter IS Twitter.
    .-= Masked Mom´s last blog ..Escalating Acts of Randomness* =-.

  94. Please tell me that you’ve heard of (and subsequently had long conversations with) cleverbot.

    Because cleverbot needs to know about this poodle-muffin business. I’m just sayin’.

  95. I find Twitter isn’t quite as bad as my Facebook account. Today I had, among other appalling things, a person from my past tagged in a photo posted by a complete stranger. The photo was of a Renaissance Fair, and the most disturbing, has-to-be-a-child-molestery person in the picture? That would be the guy I slept with. We’re only facebook friends so I have an easy list of people to contact just in case it ever turns up I have VD.

  96. This is almost as bad as that creep Facebook that always wants to know “what’s on my mind” or asking me to update my status. DO NOT let facebook and twitter hang out together. Next they’ll buy a “vintage” camero and grow mustaches!
    .-= Chas Underwood III´s last blog ..#67 – Honorary Degrees =-.

  97. I now know what it is like to drop acid….thanks for that.

  98. Also it seems everytime I go to comment it is either at 69 or 96 are you fucking with me?

  99. Wow and I thought Tweekdeck’s submarine noise when a new tweet comes in was bad. Twitter needs a xanx upgrade.

  100. Well, Twitter pointed me towards this post, so clearly you made an impression ;)

  101. Great to start the day with a laugh. That twitter’s a nosy bitch, huh? Still don’t what you are doing though
    .-= Drolgerg´s last blog ..Daily Twitterscopes (Scorpio): October 2009 =-.

  102. OMG, tooooooooooooo funny.

  103. Twitter is among us.

    No, seriously, Twitter commented on this post. You have such power!
    .-= Dani´s last blog ..Crime Watch Wednesday: Some Like It Hot =-.

  104. [...] post Jenny from The Bloggess wrote about Twitter molesting people. Thank you Jenny, it’s good to keep my guard [...]

  105. My Twitter just keeps asking me:

    “Why did you do that?!”

    ..and..

    “Jesus H. Christ…what’s WRONG with you?!”

    Note to self: Remember to turn off webcam before logging onto Twitter.
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Watching "Paranormal Activity" with Randy Jackson =-.

  106. That post was bloody hilarious.

    Thank you.
    .-= Inner Pickle´s last blog ..high chai =-.

  107. I always thought Twitter just wanted to hear me pee. It’s like some sort of sex perversion. Your post today only confirms what I’ve already suspected that and you don’t like clowns. But I’m with you on that.
    .-= beth aka confusedhomemaker´s last blog ..My Martha Stewart Confession =-.

  108. Twitter is definitely a girl.

    TRUST ME.

    I have first HAND knowledge.
    .-= Ed Adams´s last blog ..Wednesday….WYR, Whatnot, and Whatever =-.

  109. Twitter’s kind of a weirdo.
    .-= Jenn´s last blog ..A-Rod Who? =-.

  110. Lol, sometimes it’s just like that.
    Oh, btw, what are you doing?

  111. My Twitter doesn’t speak to me yet. I barely visit – maybe it’s mad at me?
    .-= Holli´s last blog ..Girl in the box =-.

  112. Twitter is totally the obscene phone caller of the social networking universe.
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..Basking in the glory… =-.

  113. Thank you for demonstrating the ‘nasty man behind the curtain’ at Twitter. Or is it a nasty girl. Either way – quite hysterical!
    .-= Twitterfools´s last blog ..Sound Off: Sex on Twitter =-.

  114. Twitter: What are you doing?
    Me: Cleaning up the macaroni that just launched through my nose. Word of advice: DO NOT read @Thebloggess at lunch hour it will only result in d
    Twitter: 140-character limit, wordy.
    Me: Suck one Twitter.
    .-= katie´s last blog ..You know you’re NOT from a small town when… =-.

  115. Maybe Twitter needs a gender test?

    If athletes need them… Testosterone levels and all that jazz.
    .-= Raz´s last blog ..A Not-To-Do List, also known as Raz’s Adventures into Homesickness =-.

  116. What Twitter are you on?!

  117. A muffin…. made of poodles…

  118. Sounds like your average 4 yo: “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? How about now? Now? ARE WE THERE YET????”

    I want to join YOUR Twitter, Jenny…
    .-= gurukarm (@karma_musings)´s last blog ..arrgghhh =-.

  119. Whoa!That sounded a lot like Waiting for Godot. hmm or wait that must just be my interpretation of the blog.
    .-= Mariya´s last blog ..I’ve Got the Blues =-.

  120. How drunk are you? WERE you? Are you? It’s rhetorical, never mind.
    .-= Petit Elefant´s last blog ..how to: make caramel apples. =-.

  121. Ha! I KNEW there was a good reason that I don’t tweet or twit or twat or whatever it is. I have enough stalker(s) thank you very much. Ok, I guess my husband isn’t a stalker, but he’s around me all the time. Asking me how I am, what are you doing, blah blah blah, so that could technically be stalking. Or at least stalker-ish. Right?

  122. Am I the only one who thinks its a-okay to call someone poodle-muffin?…or puddle-ducklin’…or love-duck?…Jeez folks, I wouldn’t want to live in a word without ridiculous pet names.
    .-= Dani´s last blog ..It’s like swinging but for bloggers… =-.

  123. LOL this is my first time here… Off to read some more.

  124. I tell Twitter what I’m doing and it’s all “Who gives a shit what you’re doing, biznatch. Fuck off.”

    Which I take as a sign of affection.
    .-= Nona´s last blog ..Oh come, all ye eligible enrollees… =-.

  125. This was funny.
    .-= annie´s last blog ..Dad’s Family =-.

  126. Poor Guy Kawasaki. There is no hope for him now that Twitter is totally hitting on you. Talk about world domination. Twitter is HAL. And you, m’lady, are going to be more than the Princess of Germany soon. Germany should be pissing in its pants now.
    .-= submom´s last blog ..Play the Sad Trombone: I can’t sew to save my life =-.

  127. I tried to talk to Twitter but I got blocked. Then there was the restraining order. Twitter moved to another state.

  128. thanks for the laugh!
    .-= Melanie B´s last blog ..Uprinting.com Vinyl Banner Winner! =-.

  129. This is one of my favorites, Poodle-Muffin.

  130. I met Twitter about a month ago and now I feel like i’m in one of those obsessive relationships that never lead to anything good.

    Remember that part of Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret when she stalked the tall, pretty girl all the way into church? And then the girl called her a filthy little pig…that was funny.
    .-= Erika from The Pastry Chef At Home´s last blog ..Creamy Pumpkin Mousse with Maple Caramelized Pepitas =-.

  131. I think my Twitter is Joey Tribiani. I get, “How YOU doin’?” and I know it’s staring right a my boobs instead of looking me in the eye.

  132. LOL, this is so true, “your blog is trainwreck.”

  133. i dont understand you alyssa not wanting me in your mafia and adding cindy , not right , i guess you feel im nobody , ok i get it im a guy right , from steven , you use to say hi

  134. This is hilarious stuff LOL! couldnt have a better start to the day :D
    .-= Saad´s last blog ..BULUE.. =-.

  135. follow @_ilyxo :) xo

  136. I think Twitter people didn’t have any friends in reality so they ask random people, “What they’re doing!” Eff-off Twitter, why do you care!

    Really funny :)
    .-= Tanuj Lakhina´s last blog ..Video : Football – Guitar Hero style! =-.

  137. 139
    Tremendous News!

    Great job!

    Poodle muffins taste gross.

  138. [...] Bloggess (h/t: Robb Alllen) has the proof. Meanwhile, I’d like a little grammatical help from you, the [...]

  139. you rock.
    .-= tracy´s last blog ..Giuliana & Bill =-.

  140. Ok, thank you… you just made my crappy day hilarious!

  141. One of the best Blog post I have read this week!!
    .-= Christian´s last blog ..Meteor or Something Else? =-.

  142. omg THAT’S AWESOME. Psychotic episode on Twitter! As a psychology major (who is high on vicoden that I got legitimately) I would like to thank you for the laugh, and I hope that I find this as awesome later today when the drugs wear off as I do now. :D

  143. hehehehe…:D…totally awesome!..:D…
    .-= Hemanth´s last blog ..Cinema Quiz-16: The Man and his Hero =-.

  144. Very funny.
    .-= Larisa´s last blog ..Perfect Persian Kitten =-.

  145. [...] Hahahahahahaha! Here is just another example of why I love this woman and her brilliance. I’m so not worthy. And using expressions for a [...]

  146. Brilliant! I’m jolly jealous. I shall tweet this immediately. It’s not often one finds a blog of such high quality. I’ll be back. Thank you. Best regards, P. :)

  147. You make it hard to nurse my resentment towards you when you are so good at what you do.

    Then again, it’s because you are so good that I resent you.

    @serenebabe is me and I’m not yet willing to chill the fuck out and follow you. :-)
    .-= Heather Denkmire´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday #4 =-.

  148. IT WORKED!
    .-= Canucklehead´s last blog ..Motorious Update =-.

  149. I’m not exactly sure where this transmission is going … in the time machine now. I just finished it this afternoon out of stuff I picked up at Radio Shack years ago. I hope this works. Anyway, just going to go back a few minutes this first time to test it … wish me luck. Oh, tell my family I love them.
    .-= Canucklehead´s last blog ..Motorious Update =-.

  150. You make my life a little better every day. I peed reading this.
    .-= annie´s last blog ..Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Cupcakes =-.

  151. Can I adopt you to keep me entertained? I would even marry you. Oo wait I’m already married. But hey what are you doing later? ;) Brilliant as always!
    .-= Gabriella´s last blog ..The Real Deal on Link Building =-.

  152. Thanks for that poodle-muffin, made me laugh. I’s so good, I’m going to tweet this link on twitter!!!
    That’s what I’M doing!!!

    PS: If Twitter was Joey from Friends, do you think it would keep asking “How you doing?” ;-)

  153. I’m totally #FollowFriday-ing Twitter
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..Snow Day =-.

  154. ROTFL, totally awesome, died laughing :)
    .-= Kusum Rohra´s last blog ..Messing Around =-.

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