Japan. Part 1 of I-don’t-even-know-how-long-this-will-be

I just got back from Japan day before yesterday and my head is mush but if I don’t write about Japan now I’ll just forget to because that’s kind of what I do so I’m going to just retype the stuff I wrote  in my journal.  It’s probably not going to be even more confusing than usual.  Consider yourself warned.

**************************

Victor and I in the car on the way to the airport:

Victor:  Why aren’t you talking to me?

me: I’m too busy thinking about all the ways I could die.

Victor:  Why are you always so panicked?  This is a vacation for God’s sake.

me:  It’s what I do.  I panic.

Victor:  What’s the worst thing that could happen?

me:  I could get rats in my brains from some sort of Japanese spider bite.

Victor: The fuck? Rats can’t fit in your brain.

me:  They’re very small rats.  Like…rat-worms. And they’ll eat the part of my brain that lets me remember stuff like algebra and how to swallow and then I’ll starve to death.

Victor:  Huh.  You know what?  Changed my mind.  You don’t really need to talk to me.

me:  And also I feel all fat and  Japanese girls are tiny and adorable and so I’m going to feel even fatter as soon as I get off the plane.

Victor:  But you have big boobs though.  That’s the good thing about you.

me:  THAT’S the good thing about me?

Victor:  Well…it’s one of them.

me:  *glare*

Victor:  What?!  I gave you a compliment. You’re welcome.

**************************

On the plane:

Somehow we ended up upgraded to first-class at the last minute, which is awesome because it’s a 14-hour flight but I assume it’ll be like the only other time that I flew first-class when the stewardess refused to butcher a live pig for me even though I totally requested it.  Turns out going first-class isn’t like having a genie.  It’s pretty close though.

**************************

I just saw a guy who looks exactly like Woody Allen get on the plane with us.  WTF?

*************************

Just asked Woody Allen if he was Woody Allen. He says he’s not. Woody Allen is a damn liar. Also he has a Texas accent. Weird.

************************

I just ordered the pot roast from the flight attendant. He raised an eye and said “Do you mean ‘the osso bucco‘?”. Clearly I don’t belong here.

***********************

Not-Woody-Allen just ordered the chicken. Correctly. Or maybe the attendant was too intimidated to criticize Woody Allen.

**********************

Not-Woody-Allen totally thinks he’s better than me.

***********************

I need to tweet something poignant and profound before they ask me to turn off my phone just in case I die in a plane crash and that’s all anyone has to remember me by.  I’ve got nothing.  I asked Victor for something to tweet as my last words and he just stared at me.  Probably because that’s too much pressure to put on someone who doesn’t even know how to use twitter.  I’m all “THIS IS THE KIND OF SHIT I GO THROUGH EVERY DAY, DUDE.”  He looks impressed.  Or appalled.  I can never tell those apart.

***********************

What I was planning for my last tweet: ” Love is everything.  We are all connected.  Be good to each other.  Don’t forget to floss.”

My actual last tweet before my phone died: “THEY ARE OUT OF POT ROAST. MOTHERFUCKER.”

Awesome.

***********************

The stewardess just gave us a form to fill out for immigration that lists all the things we aren’t allowed to bring on the plane.  Stuff like rice.  And cobras.

Cobras.  Not for planes.

Seriously, y'all. Cobras. You can't bring your machine gun either, by the way.

me:  The hell?!  Shouldn’t they have given us this list before we got on the damn plane?

Victor: It’s not very clearly written either.  Are we not allowed to bring cobras with us at all or just not in our carry-on luggage?

me:  Fuck. Don’t open your bag until we get this clarified.

Not-Woodie-Allen looks terrified. This is the best flight ever.

*******************************

Victor:  You know we have to have sex on the plane, right?  It’s kind of a tradition I have whenever I fly to Japan.

me:  This is the first time I’ve ever gone to Japan with you.

Victor:  Oh.  Right.

This is probably exactly why they don’t want you to bring your cobras on the plane.

*******************************

Oh my God, they will not stop bringing me food.  Victor says they do that so it breaks up the flight and you feel like time is passing faster.  I feel like fucking Hansel.  I said that to Victor and he just looked at me with revulsion.  Probably because he didn’t understand that I meant “fucking” as an adjective and not a verb.  I don’t want to actually have sex with the kid from Hansel and Gretel.  I shouldn’t even have to explain this kind of shit.

*******************************

They brought me a shitload of silverware.  I’m on the 3rd course and I still have 4 forks, 3 knives and a spoon left.  Victor says it’s because I’m not supposed to dip my bread into the butter dish.  Apparently there’s a whole knife just for butter now.  Fucking rich people…

******************************

The stewardess just wheeled out a fucking sundae cart and asked “Who wants ice cream?”.  Who does that?  Is this what it’s like for rich people all the time?

Me:  Where do you keep the golden unicorns?  Are they hiding in the bathroom?

Stewardess:  Pardon?

Me:  You heard me.

Victor:  She’s just kidding.

I’m only kidding about the “golden” part.

*****************************

The stewardess just brought me empanadas and I’m all “They’re free?”  Victor says he’d appreciate it if I’d stop asking that every time they offer me something but if I was an airline I’d give you everything for free at first so it’d lull you into a false sense of security and then on the way out I’d hand the traveler a bill for $8,000 and the person would be all “But you said it was free!” and the flight attendant would say “Yes, it was all free until the 8th diet coke which was $8,000.  That’s the rule.  It was in your immigration contract.  Right after the part saying ‘no cobras’.  We just put that part in there to freak you out so you wouldn’t notice the $8,000 coke thing”.  And then you’d be screwed.  If I was the owner of this airline I’d totally do that.  This is why the airline industry is losing money.  That and the free ice cream sundaes.  That’s just fucking ridiculous.

******************************

Victor just yelled at me for not using my knife on the salad.  Who uses a knife on a salad?!  It’s already cut up for you. THAT’S WHAT MAKES IT A SALAD. Otherwise it’s just a head of lettuce.  Victor just pointed out that he’s now down to 1 knife and I still have 3.  I didn’t even know we were keeping score.

*****************************

Victor is accusing me of being a silverware hoarder.  I mean, he didn’t say it out loud but I can see it in his eyes and he keeps huffing at me when he looks at all the knives I still have.  I DON’T EVEN WANT THIS SILVERWARE.  But I do rather like the salt and pepper shakers.  They’re like the size of a prenatal vitamin.  They’re fucking adorable.

See.  They look like studio apartments for ants.

See. They look like tiny terrariums for ants.

*****************************

I just stole the salt and pepper shakers.  I told the stewardess that I accidentally inhaled them.  I meant it as a joke but she looks really freaked out.  I’m all “It’s okay though.  I’m not going to sue or anything.”  She doesn’t look as relieved as I expected.

******************************

me:  Hey, you should tell the flight attendant who’s serving the food that we’re kind of in a hurry.

Victor:  We’re on a plane.

me:  I know.  That’s what makes it so funny.

Victor:  No.

me:  Oh!  Tell him we’re in a hurry because we have a flight to catch.

Victor:  Why would I do that?

me:  Because I can’t keep a straight face when I say shit like that.  It’s a problem.

Victor:  It’s a problem alright.

I don’t think we’re talking about the same thing.

*********************************

The plane just landed.  It’s like 4am Texas time. My head feels all mushy.  Probably because of too much opium.  Or not enough opium.  Which one makes you all sleepy?  Victor says it’s just “jet-lag” but I like “too much opium”.  I’m putting it on my answering machine.  “Can’t come to the phone right now.  Too much opium.”  Except that I can’t even figure out how to check my voicemails so Victor will have to do it for me.

********************************

Victor is refusing to change my voicemail message because apparently it would cost a million dollars since we’re roaming in Japan.  What. an. asshole.  I wonder if it’s a problem that I’ve been twittering all this time?  I’m not going to ask.

Part 2 coming soon.  Probably.  I just wrote an enormous post about Japan and I haven’t actually mentioned Japan until right now.  Awesome. I am a terrible blogger.

Comment of the day: If you’re rich and fly first class all the time the flight attendants can smell that, and they generally leave you alone unless you give them the Gimlet Eye or the Single Interrogative Brow (ask a rich person). But if you’re bourgeois Texans suddenly bumped up to First Class like the Beverly Hillbillies, then they like to have a little fun by piling mounds of superfluous silverware on your tray and watching you try to figure out which utensil goes with which course. The fact that Victor used one of his knives on the salad just proved out socially out of his depth he was, and some flight attendant probably won five bucks (you may have noticed snickering and high-fiving in the galley). The fact that you had silverware left at the end of the meal and didn’t desperately try to fake it like Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman” means that you won. Congratulations! You should be receiving a certificate in the mail in 6 to 8 weeks, good for One Free Upgrade to First Class. But you’ll have to leave Victor back in Coach next time, because he obviously can’t handle the strain, and you’ll have to sit there while he tries to use escargot tongs on his complimentary KitKat. ~ Scott C.

136 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I am totally coming with you the next time you go to japan. I am not crazy. Well. #thatisall
    .-= Elizabeth Potts Weinstein´s last blog ..Do It With Your Eyes Open & Be Awesome: Post-#Shine Wrap Up, pt 1 =-.

    Like

  2. I want to travel with you. That is all.

    Like

  3. My husband won’t allow me to go on a plane.

    Because he knows I would not be able to stop myself from exclaiming ‘SNAKES ON A PLANE’ over and over again.

    And apparently if I am arrested he will have to pick up his own underpants. And we cannot have that now can we?

    Like

  4. I love you. But you already know this.

    But it bears repeating.
    .-= Chookooloonks´s last blog ..where i spent my formative years =-.

    Like

  5. hurry up with the second part.
    .-= Nancy´s last blog ..Going Green, One Step Further. =-.

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  6. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    As everyone else, I need to go to Japan with you!
    .-= Miss Vintage Vixen (Future Famous Crap Blogger?)´s last blog ..Looking Beautiful and Mysterious At Any Place: How Does It Happen? =-.

    Like

  7. I’m glad I’m at home where nobody can hear me laughing hysterically.

    You misspelled terrific in the last sentence.

    Like

  8. Just started following you on Twitter…this is the first I’ve read from you. SOOO worth it. =)

    Like

  9. I wish my blog entries could be half this funny. I lost track of how many times I laughed, but my favorite has got to be:

    My actual last tweet before my phone died: “THEY ARE OUT OF POT ROAST. MOTHERFUCKER.”

    Awesome.

    That and the whole being in a hurry exchange. 🙂 Both times I snorted stuff out my nose. 🙂
    .-= scribblegurl´s last blog ..scribblegurl: Hagan Daas will donate $1 to save bees for every tweet using the hashtag #HelpHoneyBees Spread the word http://tinyurl.com/yhmpwqp =-.

    Like

  10. Wow. I would seriously love an invite next time too. I work for a Japanese company and hear people’s tales of Japan trips all the time. THIS was something new. I can’t wait to read part 2!
    .-= Rachel´s last blog ..Queen’s Louisiana Po’ Boy Cafe =-.

    Like

  11. You know, good thing you didn’t pack Monopoly to like, pass the time on that 14 hour-fucking-forever flight… Not only does it have “imitated bank notes” and questionable material all, “GO TO JAIL NOW” but I’m pretty sure there’s a cannon…and I think that qualifies as a weapon.
    .-= Jessica´s last blog ..a breakout? one day. =-.

    Like

  12. Inhaling condiments is actually a major fetish in Japan. Or was that “condoms?” Great, now I have to fly first-class to Japan, and it’s not even a month til Pearl Harbor Day. Thanks, Jen.

    Like

  13. i’m glad you made it back in one piece. my question is, how did you bring the cobra back without declaring it? oh wait…
    .-= melissa´s last blog ..If At First You Don’t Succeed, Try, Try, Try, Try…Again =-.

    Like

  14. You are hilarious! I had the same thoughts about the sundae cart the first time (and only time) I sat first class!
    .-= Sarah´s last blog ..OMG =-.

    Like

  15. Oh man, jealous. That sounds like so much fun.
    .-= Maria´s last blog ..but I don’t mind, no I don’t mind =-.

    Like

  16. Omg, I’m so glad that you’re back. And hysterical as usual, so the rat ants haven’t done any damage. Yet.
    .-= Marinka´s last blog ..Shh, the Genius is Working! =-.

    Like

  17. If you’re rich and fly first class all the time, the flight attendants can smell that, and they generally leave you alone unless you give them the Gimlet Eye or the Single Interrogative Brow (ask a rich person). But if you’re bourgeois Texans suddenly bumped up to First Class like the Beverly Hillbillies, then they like to have a little fun by piling mounds of superfluous silverware on your tray and watching you try to figure out which utensil goes with which course. The fact that Victor used one of his knives on the salad just proved out socially out of his depth he was, and some flight attendant probably won five bucks (you may have noticed snickering and high-fiving in the galley). The fact that you had silverware left at the end of the meal and didn’t desperately try to fake it like Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman” means that you won. Congratulations! You should be receiving a certificate in the mail in 6 to 8 weeks, good for One Free Upgrade to First Class. But you’ll have to leave Victor back in Coach next time, because he obviously can’t handle the strain, and you’ll have to sit there while he tries to use escargot tongs on his complimentary KitKat.
    .-= Scott C.´s last blog ..Thanks for the Ipecac =-.

    Like

  18. I like that the flight attendant acknowledges the existence of unicorns, or would have, if Victor hadn’t interrupted. In fact, I bet if Victor HADN’T interrupted, you wouldn’t have had to clarify the Hansel situation. And she would’ve given you the silverware, s&p shakers AND $8000 for educating her on ‘Cutlery and it’s uses 101’ because really, that’s what you do.

    No one uses knives with a salad.
    Damn you poncey rich people.
    .-= Leesh´s last blog ..Spears, Hilton and Angus. =-.

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  19. You’re such a rube. They never let the cobras in first class.
    .-= witchypoo´s last blog ..Open Mouth Insert Foot =-.

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  20. I am *so* of your luxurious flight experience… Food and drink every 20 minutes? Fawning attendees? Stacks of needless cutlery? You’re right up there with the other rich bitches and I now I’m forced to hate you a little bit. Man, when I travel the only freebie I get is a cold when the fat dude next to me sneezes all over my shoulder…

    Like

  21. someone just sent me a link to your blog – it’s…just…amazing. thanks for being exceptionally clever!!
    .-= Jamie the Very Worst Missionary´s last blog ..Perspective and the Hairy Grease Monster. =-.

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  22. I’m so jealous of your upgrade. I never get upgraded, and I dress nice and all that crap. My fiance is also 6’9″ and doesn’t fit into normal seats. All we ever get is an exit row. First class sure beats the last time I flew overseas next to a random kid who drew pictures of exploding planes the whole way. “This is United THE FIRE PLANE.”
    .-= Brooke´s last blog ..A Few American Sunsets =-.

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  23. You make me feel normal. Thanks.
    (and you can celebrate my 234th birthday later, in case you’re tired. I’m a former US Marine, so we kind of think alike)

    Semper Fi.
    🙂
    .-= Meadowlark´s last blog ..PS… =-.

    Like

  24. Damnit, I wanna marry you woman. Tell Victor. One time I kleptoed a spoon from a place that hosted our banquet dinner because it was all tiny and adorable and i think maybe the jet lag opium was an issue there too.
    .-= Molly´s last blog ..Blog Change =-.

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  25. You know, cobras are only RESTRICTED, not PROHIBITED. You totally missed your chance at a travel cobra.
    .-= Swistle´s last blog ..Shipping Furniture =-.

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  26. When i went to Japan i never got offered no sundaes!
    I didn’t get upgraded to first class either…

    Already, your trip seems way better then mine… Sigh.
    .-= Red´s last blog ..Motivatied – Smotivatied =-.

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  27. Domo arigato, The Bloggess.
    And now I will have a Styx song stuck in my head for a week. Great.
    .-= Daddy Scratches´s last blog ..OK, so I guess I won’t write about meeting the doubleyoo i gee gee ell e esses after all =-.

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  28. LMAO. This was great!
    .-= Ms_Hayward´s last blog ..Wrapped Up in my Own Head =-.

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  29. Victor obviously doesn’t understand the severity of the problem with not being able to keep a straight face when saying things that freaking funny.

    Also, could you stop trying to kill me with laughter? It may be fun, but only until I run out of air. Air is good. I like air. I don’t think I could live without it. >.>
    .-= Mireyah Wolfe´s last blog ..NaNo: Day 9 =-.

    Like

  30. I totally stole my salt & pepper shakers AND my silverware when I was in first class. I don’t get out much.
    .-= Laurie Ann´s last blog ..My Farm is possessed =-.

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  31. my kids think i’m insane sitting here laughing at my computer… thanks for that!

    Like

  32. Dude. I thought they gave you skin bleach and stuff in first class too. I hear all the Japanese women are into that stuff. Maybe they gave it to you and you ate it? Like it was mayo? Did you ingest anything that you could have used on your face? This is important. THINK. Oh, I know – did Woody Allen spread anything on HIS face? Those funny Japanese…
    .-= Love´s last blog ..I’m not dead. I’m just bored. And fighting MJ for my son’s soul. =-.

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  33. You are awesome. But you knew that.

    Here is MY cobra, surely they’d allow this cutie thing on the plane! SNAKES ON A PLANE YO!

    http://thebeautifulkind.com/2009/06/26/sex-toy-box-femblossom/
    .-= The Beautiful Kind´s last blog ..Speaking of Addictions… =-.

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  34. I’m so glad you made it back home safely. If you stayed in Japan and started blogging in Japanese characters, I’d have to learn Japanese just so I could still read you.
    .-= Fairly Odd Mother´s last blog ..So far, so good =-.

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  35. I’m pretty sure Victor was impressed not appalled because well you’re totally impressive. And I’m also pretty sure Not Woody Allen is going to make a movie about that flight and some gorgeous actress like kate beckinsale or sandra bullock will play you and we will all be so amazingly jealous. I’m going to get a jump on everyone else though and start being jealous right now. Mmmmk?

    ♥Spot

    PS~ I may or may not have laughed so hard I scared my cat and spit sweet tea all over my monitor.
    .-= Spot´s last blog ..Like nanny-nanny-boo-boo. Only for writers. =-.

    Like

  36. I like the fact that you’re not allowed to bring your knock off handbags on the plane. That’s what #6 means, right?

    Like

  37. I wish I was sitting on the other side of Not Woody Allen, so we could have laughed at you for 14 hours straight. And if you were getting the right kind of attention, you would have ramped things up a bit! Victor probably would have had to leave the plane mid-flight, though. He can swim, right? Or did you take the long way – over Germany?
    .-= a´s last blog ..Show and Tell =-.

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  38. Actually,
    Having big boobs should be *two* good things about you.

    Come on Victor, WTF, do you think she has a uniboob?

    Cheers,
    Shawna

    Like

  39. If this is really how you wrote in your journal, then it could totally be published. Too hilarious! Can’t wait for part 2!
    .-= LB @Wait, She Said What?´s last blog ..Moronic Monday – Giving away her virginity wasn’t good enough; instead she put it up for auction. =-.

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  40. whatever. i travel internationally with musk and cacti all the damn time.
    .-= jenni´s last blog ..RTT: This is Mostly About Facebook =-.

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  41. Although I have an unsettling feeling that I am one of only 3 other guys that read this blog I think your stuff is hilarious.

    I am off to get some more guy mates to join me so that I don’t feel quite so alone here.
    .-= Jonny | thelifething.com´s last blog ..Your Blog Is Awesome and I Am A Shameless Whore =-.

    Like

  42. This is one the funniest things that I have read in forever – thank you for making wine come out of my nose!
    .-= TUWABVB´s last blog ..That’s What I Love About Texas! =-.

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  43. I had to read almost all of this to my friend on the phone, not because she can’t go to your site and read it herself but because it was hilarious. You are awesome.
    .-= Randaroopoo´s last blog ..Wishing for Anonymous Unsolicited Advice =-.

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  44. Maybe the stewardesses keep the golden unicorns up their asses and that’s why they don’t have a sense of humor. They can’t laugh. Can you imagine laughing with a unicorn up your ass? My butt clinches just thinking about it. And that is why I could never be a stewardess.

    Like

  45. You crack me up. I would love to spend an afternoon in your head.
    .-= julie@MommySaidWhat?´s last blog ..Home Alone =-.

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  46. I do not think it’s at all ridiculous to think that a rat could be in your brain. Don’t you remember that story where the pine tree grew in the lady’s lung? That was like 6 months ago and probably in Japan.

    Completely feasible.
    .-= Maxie´s last blog ..Country Roads =-.

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  47. You don’t ever cut your salad with a knife. It bruises the lettuce. Or something.
    .-= Trout Towers´s last blog ..molting =-.

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  48. It’s probably not going to be even more confusing than usual. Consider yourself warned.

    Why would you warn us that it’s not going to be even more confusing?
    .-= Michael VanDeMar´s last blog ..Video Games Requiring Physical Action Burn Calories – Duh =-.

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  49. I just had a good laugh – this was so good.
    .-= Lea White´s last blog ..How to guides =-.

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  50. Okay.
    I don’t need to go to Japan anymore.
    Your trip so far was so fun to read about…the bar would be to high now, and the stewardess’ would all know all my questions and antics.
    Hope you’re happy.

    🙂 -Tony
    (apparently the 4th guy to read your blog)
    .-= Tony´s last blog ..Make a wish come true for Noah =-.

    Like

  51. Even without opium and all jet lagged, you are hysterically funny

    Like

  52. fuck. do we have rat-worms in america? because i don’t think i can ever sleep again. fuck.
    .-= mylittlebecky´s last blog ..buses. not just for school. =-.

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  53. Hysterical. I am glad I’m not the only one who annoys the shit out of her husband on the daily.
    .-= Amanda´s last blog ..Publix BOGOS: Are you tired of hearing about it yet? =-.

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  54. “Victor just pointed out that he’s now down to 1 knife and I still have 3. ”

    Perfect response would be “Hmmmmm, I’m feelin’ kinda stabby. Change my voicemail.”
    .-= Paula´s last blog ..That smells great! =-.

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  55. OMG. Write every post about Japan like this. Seriously. Word for word from your journal. This is hilarious and I want a golden unicorn!
    .-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Tuesday Trivia: Television =-.

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  56. Love you and your blog! I found your blog recently and started following it. But this is the first time commenting. Well, hello. Don’t let Woody Allen fool you with his fake Texas accent. He is a tricky one. Ha!
    .-= Tara´s last blog ..For Business, Not Pleasure =-.

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  57. i think you married my husband! Is that where he’s been?? That is so damn hilarious!! I can’t wait for you to write a damn book… is that too much pressure? well… i gotta tell you, i know when i’ve had a painful day with my fibromyalgia, i just go to your blog and it cheers me right up.

    Never fails, i laugh OUT LOUD each and every time i visit. You are the best medicine for chronic pain.

    Thank you!
    .-= tamiko´s last blog ..i have faith. i will overcome this disability! =-.

    Like

  58. Will you marry me ?

    Like

  59. But….you DID mention Japan before the end. Remember, the part where Victor was all “You should do me on the way to Japan like all those other girls did every time I went to Japan” and you were all “I spell “divorce” C-O-B-R-A-S-T-R-I-K-E-T-O-Y-O-U-R C-R-O-T-C-H ?” That part. You mentioned Japan.
    .-= Backpacking Dad´s last blog ..Backpacking Dad Recommends: The Universal EveryTool =-.

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  60. So how come “Cobras” is capitalized and “Turtles” is capitalized but “crocodiles” isn’t? The fuck is THAT about? Is that like how there’s a difference between Champagne and champagne because the one with the big C is from the actual Champagne region and the one with the other C is just any carbonated wine? Wait, carbonated wine? Or sparkling wine? Is there a difference between carbonation and sparkling? Probably not. Probably it’s that sparkling is a nicer word for carbonated and they’re trying to be classy. Yes, “they.” The rich people. The same ones who get ice cream whenever they want and give us regular people too much silverware on purpose, to throw us off, and then run and snicker about it behind the curtain while rubbing each other with blocks of gold.
    .-= nicole antoinette´s last blog ..daylight savings time, regrets, and the search for the country’s best mac & cheese =-.

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  61. That is funny.

    Thank you for taking the time. You are really an excellent person.

    Happy Wednesday
    .-= Junior Rodrigues´s last blog ..Never giving up =-.

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  62. Great post! I love what your blog does to me, always a great ride.
    .-= Ellie Belen´s last blog ..Random Germ-y Family Affairs =-.

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  63. I would absolutely have stolen those salt & pepper shakers! (I steal spoons, usually. Seriously. If you looked in my cutlery drawer — and consider that an open invitation to come over and hang out and go through my cutlery drawer anytime you want to — you would find at least 3 dozen mismatched spoons. And maybe 4 or 5 forks and knives. Maybe I should start stealing forks, too…)

    I leave for London in 10 days — wanna come with? (Only if you can get us bumped up to First Class, though. Deal?)
    .-= Miss B´s last blog ..Storms & Silence =-.

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  64. What really gets me is that the “Prohibited” list includes “Obscene or immoral materials, and Child pornography”. What’s with the “and” in there? Apparently, this airline finds nothing obscene or immoral about child pornography? They’d just rather you didn’t bring it with you for other unknown reasons? Sickos!
    .-= Trish´s last blog ..My apologies =-.

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  65. 65
    Brittany Garrott

    Victor is totally wrong about the bread-&-butter situation. I actually had to sit through an etiquette lesson the other night; turns out you and my eight-year-old nephew have had it right all along.

    Like

  66. 66
    The Original Lisa

    Victor was just mad that you wanted to sleep with Hansel and not him.

    Like

  67. All this talk of golden unicorns and free sundaes is exactly why I hate people who fly first class. You’re an exception, though it’s partially because I always steal cute spoons and salt shakers. I won’t be slipping cobras into your carry-on.

    Like

  68. Glad you are home safe. I can not imagine what it is like to be in your head for one minute Does your mind ever stop? You are to funny and quick on your feet. I would love to meet/hear Woody Allen with a Texas tang though
    .-= alyssa´s last blog ..Big News Big Ideas for the Holidays =-.

    Like

  69. Am I the only one who thinks “golden unicorns” is some sort of weird sex preference that would probably gross me out?

    Oh, and my poor husband is going to have to listen to me call him at work and read all of this to him over the phone while I am laughing so hard he won’t be able to understand a word I’m saying.
    .-= TheExpatresse´s last blog ..TOGA! TOGA! TOGA! =-.

    Like

  70. I liked all of this post, thank you.

    Wanted to comment on the tell them we’re in a hurry part because I was laying on the backyard grass this afternoon with my kids. I pointed up at a jet zooming overhead (pretty far up, but not so far up that you couldn’t see how fast it was really going) and said to my 7 y.o. boy: Hey, look at that. He said: yeah. I said: I wonder why they’re in such a hurry. He said: Huh?

    Anyway. I still like your humor! Even if it *is* first class.
    .-= Greg Haas´s last blog ..Sign Of The Times? =-.

    Like

  71. I would totally have stolen those salt and pepper shakers too. The motherfucking pot roast ran out they probably saved it all for fake Woody Allen
    .-= habanerogal´s last blog ..Remembrance Day =-.

    Like

  72. OMG you kill me! So funny.
    .-= Kathy´s last blog ..One Year Blogiversary =-.

    Like

  73. So glad you’re back, Jen. I missed you. Can’t wait for part dieu! We got bumped up to first class once but the seat I was in broke. Wouldn’t lock upright and if you think I was letting that motherf___g jumbo jet take off with my head in the guy’s lap sitting behind me…well my husband was with me after all! So they had to call in the repair guys which delayed take off by about 1/2 hour and while I stood watching this really nice looking guy in the tool belt fix my seat, I happened to look back to the low-lifes sitting in the slum section and they were ALL leaning into the aisle looking at me with like intense hatred in their eyes! It was really scary, Jen and I made the attendant close the curtain on those have nots toot sweet! Brrrr…scary shit. First class was nice, warm hand cloths and lemon bowls for your fingers. Me likes first class. Must win lottery.
    Luv you, really glad you’re back!
    .-= Cher´s last blog ..Songs Written About Elvis – “Back to Tupelo” by Mark Knopfler =-.

    Like

  74. Love this post, bring on episode 17.
    Did you get the silverware home or swap it for a cobra on the way back?
    .-= pixielation´s last blog ..a mechanical threesome. (hoot) =-.

    Like

  75. Ok- I SO want to travel with you the next time I have to go by plane. I am frickin terrified of them, but now I know why… I was travelling with my husband, who obviously has no idea how to travel with the right attitude… so next time I have to go somewhere on a plane, I’ll contact you and then I can travel with someone else who thinks like me! ( oh and you’re right about the cobras— ‘Snakes on a Plane’ could have been real! )
    .-= Dawn´s last blog ..Veteran’s Day… a lesson and a Thank You… No,Really! =-.

    Like

  76. I think “immoral” objects is really kind of ambiguous, don’t you? I mean, a conservative Christian might think my vibrator is “immoral.” And I CLEARLY don’t. Is that prohibited? Just wondering.

    Like

  77. Perhaps Fake-Woody-Allen was really an undercover flight marshall. Did he have a gun?
    Can’t wait to read more!
    .-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..Surprise! Where’s the remote? =-.

    Like

  78. Oh my god I felt like I was reading a screen play of the next Kevin Smith film. It was great thanks for sharing your random thoughts. I particularly like the conversation revolving Cobra’s. Hope your return flight is just as entertaining.
    .-= Jessica´s last blog ..Proud To Be A Bag Lady =-.

    Like

  79. Fun fact:

    The number one cause of death in a plane crash (besides the obvious “ground + gravity” thing) is death by First Class cutlery.

    If they’d give people in First Class plastic forks and paper plates, there would be a 100% survival rate in plane crashes because a paper plate flying into your face at 270 miles per hour does a lot less damage than a ceramic butter dish.

    Except for Chinet paper plates. Those fuckers are totally fatal.

    This has been proven in several scientific studies that may or may not have happened while I was dreaming and taking opium.
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Doodler Dandy =-.

    Like

  80. You traveled all that distance without even once thinking about bringing a cobra along? That’s just crazy. There’s a great deal to be said for never leaving the house (or the country) without one or two of your better venomous snakes with you. It’s just common sense, girl!

    Keep up the great work. I follow you on BlogCatalog and Twitter, and you keep me laughing.

    Cheers,
    Brian

    Like

  81. You should have told the stewardess that your Cobra ate the salt and pepper shakers.

    Like

  82. when I went on first class, I freaked out and wouldn’t stop messing with the chairs. Like, I spent the whole 16 hour flight, pressing the buttons on the chair. And then I found out that the squeaking noise I kept hearing everytime I went to far back was a really old guy. Yeah. I was slamming my chair into an old man. For 16 hours. I’m an awesome bitch.

    Like

  83. I totally get you way better than Victor — does this mean you would totally get me, too? ‘Cause that would be awesome!
    .-= tokenblogger´s last blog ..This time it was different… =-.

    Like

  84. so i’m working on a stat holiday because i am a totally dedicated government employee.

    no, not really. i just want a free day over the christmas holidays.

    thank you for making up for the fact that starbucks totally effed up my triple shot non fat peppermint white chocolate mocha this morning. laugh-y goodness:)

    and i SO would have inhaled the salt and pepper shakers also. miniature stuff is TO DIE FOR.

    plus, i’m glad i’m not the only one who feels like she has to clarify the use of “fucking” as an adjective or verb. if people could just hear my thoughts as i do there would never be any confusion.

    or they’d kill themselves…either or.

    andrea
    p.s. glad you didn’t die in japan. or a plane crash. seriously, you complete me.
    .-= andrea´s last blog ..probably this is still preferable to being that guy in the lab who processes poo samples. =-.

    Like

  85. You need to meet my sister! She took 5 ativan to get her hiney to Thailand last month, she hates flying that much! Huge mistake on her part… She ended up running up and down the stairs of her guest house (fucking) naked a few times til her husband came and rescued her. Thank God, no one walked out of their rooms while this was going on. Long plane rides can be a real bitch! LOL
    .-= MiddleAgedWomanBlogging´s last blog ..Hold Your Children Tight =-.

    Like

  86. Oh, YOU AND VICTOR must be the jerks who got my seats when we got kicked off for having SWORDS and SAUSAGES in our carry-ons.

    How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy my meat products without a sword?! And one time, they had a cutlery shortage and didn’t give me the 14 required knives to eat my meal. I was just being PREPARED, airline jerks.
    .-= txtingmrdarcy´s last blog ..You Know You Have a Blogging Problem When… =-.

    Like

  87. The sad thing is that you KNOW someone has tried to smuggle a cobra onto a plane before…otherwise, why would they specifically mention it? Oddly enough, though, it’s only listed as “restriced” and not “prohibited”. Does that mean that you’re okay to bring a few cobras, but not, like, a whole cobra family?

    I used to work at the ticket counter of a major airline and had a guy try to carry on a chain saw once. No lie. It look, like, ten of us and a good hour worth of time to explain to this guy why it was so not allowed to have a chain saw on an airplane.

    Like

  88. Victor didn’t tell you about the spiders in Japan that lay eggs in your skin on the areas you can’t see with a mirror?

    No? Well, don’t worry your pretty little head about them. They won’t hatch for weeks. But if you notice any unusual itching under your big boobs, make Victor tend to them. That will teach him to say they’re one good thing about you.

    One good thing, Victor? Really? Because boobs is plural. Treat a girl right. Acknowledge both boobs next time.
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..What Gives them the Right to put That There?! =-.

    Like

  89. I would totally have told the stewardess that you shoved the salt and pepper shakers up your pooper. It would have made her feel much more at ease.
    .-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..And Now You Are Two =-.

    Like

  90. Japan sounds like so much fun. But I’m sad about first class because I really wanted a genie that butchered pigs, that & I’m pretty sure that cobras shouldn’t be restricted. Glad you had a good trip 🙂
    .-= beth aka confusedhomemaker´s last blog ..Raking Leaves =-.

    Like

  91. –>That just had me chuckling to myself the whole time.

    We got upgraded to first class on a 6 a.m. flight a few years ago. When my husband I ordered our second mixed drink before 6:45 a.m. I got the evil eye and he didn’t. I said not too quietly, “What’s the big deal? I’m not flying the plane!”

    Like

  92. OMG, you are SO funny! I’m almost crying from laughing! I can’t wait for you to go on another trip! And I can’t wait to read about the rest of this one!!! Keep ’em coming! (Does Victor have a blog? That’s gotta be hilarious, too, cuz he’d be writing all about you!)

    Like

  93. Love this! Love you! You never fail to make me laugh right out loud. Usually I try to hide it but I’m on my lunch hour and I hate my co-worker who sits next to me. She’s a miserable bitch and I envision my laughter just making her all the more miserable because someone is happy despite her trying to spread her misery venom. So thanks!
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..The Great Plan, no The GREATEST Plan, EVER =-.

    Like

  94. So THIS is where my funny went. I’ve been looking for it everywhere! You absolutely kill me.
    .-= Candy´s last blog ..A-ba-dee A-ba-dee, Th-That’s all Folks! =-.

    Like

  95. I was supposed to go get sushi, but I sat down, saw your new post, and the rest if history. BEST TIME SPENT ON A DA Y OFF! But, where is friggin’ Japan?! You are not even there (in this post) are you? Is this going to be long saga like LOTR or something? Because if it is, I need to go to Costco to get popcorn. So that’s what first class across the pacific is like. No wonder whenever I ask my husband what it was like, he’d say, “Oh. It’s nothing.” Friggin’ bastard. He’s afraid he wouldn’t be allowed to complain about traveling too much again if I knew he was served hand and foot through the 14 hours. By the way, the form totally says “No obscene or immoral materials” also… LOL
    .-= submom´s last blog ..Forget glue guns: Metallic Permanent Pens are the only things you need… =-.

    Like

  96. I have something more to say. I am sitting here, reading this post again. “WHY do I, or anybody else, even bother keeping a blog?!” That’s what I’m thinking as I freely laugh out loud, like Ha Ha Ha (no shit!) ’cause I have a day off and the kids don’t. Ha ha ha!
    .-= submom´s last blog ..Forget glue guns: Metallic Permanent Pens are the only things you need… =-.

    Like

  97. No Narcotic Drugs? Crap, Jenny get off the plane. No Hunting Guns, Air Guns, Swords etc? Damn, Victor you gotta go too (and swords were the whole point of this trip!). No Obscene or Immoral material? Shit, not even your notebook can go. Three Bottle of Booze ok, trips back on!

    Like

  98. So so funny.

    Can’t write more. Too much opium.

    Like

  99. Nobody uses a knife on their salad, that’s why you only ever hear of salad forks. Being British, I know this sort of thing from birth, like which way round to hang the toilet paper and how to pronounce aluminium.

    Can you hurry up with part 2, only I’ve got a flight to catch and don’t want to miss my turn on the golden unicorn?

    Pip pip!
    .-= Mr Farty´s last blog ..Keep Your Shed Secure =-.

    Like

  100. ” Apparently there’s a whole knife just for butter now. Fucking rich people…”

    is fucking an adjective or a verb in this sentence?
    .-= William´s last blog ..Exposure =-.

    Like

  101. everything about this blog makes me want to love you forever.
    and what is wrong with victor? i’d screw you on an airplane, if i were victor, of course.

    Like

  102. “I just stole the salt and pepper shakers. I told the stewardess that I accidentally inhaled them.”

    This line almost got me fired from my job. I literally exploded in laughter and had to pretend like I was choking and run to the bathroom.
    .-= Nel´s last blog ..Will Prostitute for More Cardigans =-.

    Like

  103. Very excited that you were able to use that word COBRA so much in one blog. Love that word. I totally want to go on a plane with you, and see the magical unicorns.
    .-= Sadie Petunia Queen of Spain, RN, Dr Philian Therapist´s last blog ..SadiePetunia: @SirBarley I bite her mole and pee on her foot. Dougal hold her still! Barley punch her in her ovaries! =-.

    Like

  104. 104
    CherBearBlue

    best. last. tweet. EVAR.

    Like

  105. VICTOR!!!!! Coke Zero is not the same thing as Diet Coke not even close! Jenny I am sorry sorry you had to suffer without diet coke while in Japan. If Victor gives you anymore grief then divorce him.

    Like

  106. My son wants to know why I am crying.

    Perhaps you could explain.

    We’re kind of in a hurry…

    OMFG Does this man know the value of you???

    Like

  107. 107
    PunsKillPeople

    “Too much opium”.

    Have you seen the Captain Kirk/too much LSD mashup? This, and your Twitter debacle with Shatner totally reminded me of that.

    Here’s a link. Alternatively, just youtube search Kirk+LSD.

    Like

  108. I want to marry you. Is same-sex marriage legal in Texas? Or Japan?

    Like

  109. You’re gobsmackingly hilarious. I’ve been to Japan, but you’ve just made me see the Land of the Rising Sun through fresh eyes, albeit kinky ones. Amazing.
    .-= Blamethebubbly´s last blog ..Running makes me… =-.

    Like

  110. Now you are into Cobra importation, let me point out that you need to go to the Texas Parks and Wildlife office and buy a Nonindigenous Snake Permit. It’s $20 if your snake is just for recreation, or $60 if your snake is for a commercial purpose.

    http://www.tpwd.state.tx.us/faq/business/permits/nonindigenous_snakes/index.phtml

    Like

  111. This totally reminded me of the time I took a trip with my best friend and there was a male stewardess and I called him “captain” the entire flight.
    .-= Gabi´s last blog ..Mi libreta me engaña conmigo misma =-.

    Like

  112. I think Victor was confused about salad because that whole wedge on iceberg with blue cheese dressing thing that has been in vogue for a few years has completely fucked up the salad paradigm.
    .-= Homemaker Man´s last blog ..This Sucks =-.

    Like

  113. The tweet about Woody Allen ordering the pot roast correctly is what got me to follow you on Twitter, and then find your blog. I am EXTREMELY happy I found that tweet.

    Like

  114. After this trip, is Victor willing to travel with you ever again? Especially out of the country? I’m sort of guessing no especially after the whole love hotel thing. That would have horrified my hubby and his response would be, “I’m never going with you anywhere ever again.”

    Also, I hope your parents don’t see your love hotel post on SexIs, especially the picture of you on the sex pony with the whip. Fathers were never meant to see their daughters in that type of situation. EVER.
    .-= LB @Wait, She Said What?´s last blog ..Why yes, I would like a free in-home estimate and you’re a total douche. =-.

    Like

  115. And I apologize for not being funny with my comments like everyone else. My bad.

    Like

  116. Maybe you couldn’t get rat-worms in your head but you could definitely get worm-rats in there. Or mole rats, whichever is the real animal. But you would probably get naked mole rats because you’re all hot and dirty like that.

    Like

  117. I just peed myself. If the Diet Coke was $8,000, how much were the salt and pepper shakers?
    .-= Amylynn´s last blog ..Your Reward =-.

    Like

  118. You totally “get” flying in first class. Those people have no sense of humor. I flew first class from Kansas City to Dallas and drank a bunch of free Jack Danials. There was no food, but it was totally worth it to sit in the comfortable seats.
    .-= Spanishmedievalist´s last blog ..On hit and run =-.

    Like

  119. *tears* of joy, thanks!

    Like

  120. Both you and Victor have a lot of patience for each other.

    It probably wards off the “hacked-up-body-disposed-of-down-the-garbage-disposal-and-the-bones-buried” . . .

    “It’s a good thing.” (Martha Stewart}

    I’m hoping Japan doesn’t retaliate. They have nukes, you know.

    Like

  121. Excuse me!!! i use a knife to cut up my salad all the time, coz for one it auto mixes in the dressing, and for two i get all tastes in my mouth at the same time when the bits are all small and mixed together… i don’t like eating a salad when it’s a big hunk of iceberg lettuce with a glob of salad dressing on it…. awesome 😛
    .-= Elaine-´s last undefined ..If you register your site for free at =-.

    Like

  122. Why would someone ask google why there’s a dead pakistani on their couch?

    Only you can prevent dead pakistani’s on your couch.
    .-= Paula´s last blog ..Wayne’s World =-.

    Like

  123. oops…that comment goes on your other post……unless their was also a dead pakistani in first class….then it totally applies
    .-= Paula´s last blog ..Wayne’s World =-.

    Like

  124. Well, crap. After reading about your first-class experience I’m starting to think that my one and only first-class upgrade was all a lie. There was no salad. There were no empanadas. And there definitely was no damn pot roast. We had chicken-salad sandwiches and Sprite. Shit. I paid that $50 upgrade fee for freakin’ nothing. Fool me once…you get the picture.
    Mindy
    http://www.thesuburbanlife.com
    .-= mindy@thesuburbanlife´s last blog ..What’s the deal with sick men? =-.

    Like

  125. Everyone knows not to bring cobras. I mean cobra (cobra-i?) are like a sushi ingredient in Japan, right? God forbid you bring a FOREIGN cobra to Japan and mess up their pure cobra lineage. You should have brought a corn snake. Or a rattler. You can just say you have maracas (marac-i?) in your luggage. No one would be the wiser.

    Like

  126. “fucking hansel” bwah ha ha anyway you look at it.
    .-= XUP´s last blog ..People is Odd =-.

    Like

  127. I can’t eat when I’m reading your blog. I inhale things and it’s not good. Expect my doctor’s bill in your mail by Thursday.

    Next time you fly to Japan, can I come?

    Like

  128. This is my first time reading from your blog. Everyone says how funny it is and they were not kidding. I think I just peed a little I laughed so hard! You rock!

    Like

  129. LOL. Love the post. You and Victor sound like me and my wife. I am the one always cracking stupid jokes (stupid to my wife but funny as hell to me) and she is the one giving me the eye like Victor gives you.

    I also love how you were effing with the stewardess during the flight because that is the kind of shit I do everywhere we go. if we go to dinner I mess with the server, the store I mess with the sales associate, you get the picture.

    Great post as always.
    .-= Rob´s last blog ..Sunday MckLinky Edition =-.

    Like

  130. So what airline were you flying on that doesn’t consider child pr-n to be “Obscene or immoral materials”?

    I agree with you, they should have given out that list before you boarded the aircraft.

    However, you never did tell us… did you and Victor have sex while on the airplane?

    ~EdT.
    .-= EdT.´s last blog ..Your Tax Dollarz at Work =-.

    Like

  131. Have you ever heard the Australian song ‘eating on a plane’? I suggest you look it up on youtube, even though it’s very 80s/early 90s, and there’s no video that actually came with the original song on youtube (but it is online somewhere.) but there is a fanvid for Lano and Woodley. They mention the tiny salt and pepper shakers, but I have never seen them! So that’s where they go, to first class! Boo. I was always jealous of the lies the song told me as a kid.

    Like

  132. I am absolutely SHOCKED you were not detained by airport security. LOL WHAT is wrong with those people???

    Kidding….sort of.

    My favorite part of this post was:

    Victor: You know we have to have sex on the plane, right? It’s kind of a tradition I have whenever I fly to Japan.

    me: This is the first time I’ve ever gone to Japan with you.

    Victor: Oh. Right.

    If my husband had said that, he would have lost a nut. And I would have been arrested. It would have fucked up the whole vacation.

    Of course if I had had a cobra in my carry on, I could have just let it bite my husband in the balls and been done with it.

    Well that’s what I would have done anyway.
    .-= Shan @ Last Shreds Of Sanity´s last blog ..Shan’s Week ~ End Wordles =-.

    Like

  133. […] where was I?  We’d just landed in Japan and luckily I was still using my journal at the time because I’ve already drunken most of […]

    Like

  134. […] thanks to The Bloggess' trip to Japan we almost won!  See the very strange contest […]

    Like

  135. Great article, thank you again for wriitng.

    Like

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