Nice girls finish drunk.

People always tell me I shouldn’t give money to homeless people because they’ll just buy booze with it and I understand that but I’ve been giving money to the homeless for years and if  we all stop giving hobos money then the liquor stores lose and that’s what causes a recession.  Then we’re all fucked.  Nice work, homeless people. Now I can’t get a car loan because you ruined the economy.

That’s why now I just give my money straight to the liquor stores.  And I get liquor in exchange for that money.  So now I’m stabilizing the economy, saving the homeless from themselves, and I can make wine slushies.  It’s kind of a win-win except now I think I might be an alcoholic.  I blame the homeless.

PS.  I wonder if this is how those drunken homeless people get started?  Maybe they’re just trying to heroically stimulate the economy and then a year later they’re living under a bridge talking to themselves because they’re too drunk to use twitter correctly.  Those people are fucking saints.

PPS.  I just took that online test to see if I’m an alcoholic.  Turns out I’m a cocker spaniel.  That’s fucked up.

PPPS.  Victor says I accidentally took the “What kind of dog are you?” test.  Still, you hardly ever see drunken cocker spaniels so I’m pretty sure that proves something.  Victor says it proves something too.

PPPPS. Fine.  I took the “Are you an alcoholic? test” and it says I answered one too many of the questions “yes” so I “might have a problem” but technically one question asked you drank because you were shy and another asked if you drank to increase your confidence and THOSE ARE TECHNICALLY THE EXACT SAME QUESTION.  So I’m pretty sure this is a trick test and that only real alcoholics would be so drunk that they wouldn’t recognize that they are totally answering the same question twice and that if you’re sober enough to realize that this test is fucking with you that means you probably aren’t drunk enough.  So, yeah.  I win.  And I’m a cocker spaniel.  This is the best day ever.

Comment of the day: I just took the test, only I pretended it was about drinking lemonade.

Apparently I’m totally addicted to lemonade. ~ CyraEm

146 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I wanna be a cocker spaniel
    .-= KatjaMichelle´s last blog ..I Am… =-.

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  2. Jenny: Making the intertubes a way better place since…you know, whenever you started this blog. (My lack of details on this front doesn’t diminish the love behind this sentiment.)
    .-= Lesley´s last blog ..And The Part Of The Waiter Will Be Played By Chris (Also, At One Point I Think Maureen Dropped Her Teeth) =-.

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  3. Age old adage: You are a drunk only if you drink more than your doctor.

    -DrC
    .-= Dr. Chako´s last blog ..WPBT 09 – Trip Report – FINALE =-.

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  4. wine slushy? sign me up.
    .-= bea´s last blog ..home again, home again, jiggity jig =-.

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  5. Hi. I am a long time listener and first time caller.

    I do not think you are shy or inconfident. That confirms the answer. Definitely. You are a cocker spaniel.
    I hope that helps.
    .-= ThePeopleGeek´s last blog ..thepeoplegeek: Have you ever looked at a clock at exactly 12:00am and just wondered why you saw an ugly hairy man at the mall in a skirt? =-.

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  6. I want a wine slushy. And a cocker spaniel. You can keep the homeless drunk though…I’m kind of a germaphobe.

    Like

  7. I gave a homeless guy some Whole Foods scones today and bought myself some booze. Something’s either really wrong or really right about that.
    .-= califmom´s last blog ..The Questions I Don’t Know How To Answer =-.

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  8. >I do not think you are shy or inconfident

    I read that as incontinent. It still made sense 🙂

    Like

  9. No joke, I am an alcoholic. I used to drink Bacardi 151 by the shot glass. And I carried a flask of it to pour into my drinks. I could have died. I had some fun times, though. In the end I’m glad I changed. I don’t judge those who don’t cause I know it’s fun and flat out hard to stop when you’re stressed out. Not a day goes by I don’t long for a drink.
    Anyway, I went to rehab and relapsed many times. Then I became Mormon. Now I’m too afraid to drink, lol. (I sneak some Mt. Dew here and there)
    .-= Gabrielle Valentine´s last blog ..Why I’m a Mormon Democrat: A Manifesto, if you will, by Gabrielle Valentine =-.

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  10. So which saints are these homeless people fucking? I’m not a catholic but I’m pretty sure that screwing homeless people is not regarded as proper saintly behaviour. Or maybe it is?

    Bet it was St Suspiria. She’s such a floozy.

    Like

  11. oh gawd. I love wine slushies. we made them by accident this one time in my best friend’s boyfriend’s parent’s basement…yea you can see where this is going. We hid the box o’ wineage in the freezer -cause apparently parents don’t look in freezers? -and we forgot it in there. later that night, we busted open that bad boy and ate the wine with sporks right out of the bag. best discovery ever!
    .-= KG´s last blog ..I don’t wanna be bear food {Part I} =-.

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  12. i need an online quiz to figure out if I am drunk.

    Like

  13. Uhm I tried to make rose popsicles and it wasn’t a success… but the slushy rose definitely tasted good. I feel sad for homeless people because in summer they can’t make alcoholic slushies, they can only do it in winter and that’s not nearly the same. I’m not taking the test.

    Like

  14. I just took the test, only I pretended it was about drinking lemonade.

    Apparently I’m totally addicted to lemonade.

    Like

  15. I can’t tell if “ThePeopleGeek” is a spammer, just fucking with you, or made that you gave cocker spaniels so much airtime because HE’S a an English Springer Spaniel and damn if they aren’t sick of watching those cocker spaniels hog all the spotlight.
    .-= LiLu´s last blog ..I Thought I Never Wanted to Hear the Name “Tiger Woods” Again… =-.

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  16. *mad, even.

    (I’m drunk too. Or a Dalmation. WHO’S TO SAY??)
    .-= LiLu´s last blog ..I Thought I Never Wanted to Hear the Name “Tiger Woods” Again… =-.

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  17. Oh, I like cocker spaniels. And wine. And champagne, too. And, since there are no visible homeless in the back…er….tiny town in Wales, I get to buy all the alcohol for me.

    I love the way your mind works…it sounds like the inside of my head, only funnier.
    .-= Jenn´s last blog ..An afternoon in Hay =-.

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  18. Jenny Jenny Jenny…it is perfectly clear to me that:

    a. You are just kick starting the alcoholidays

    and/or

    b. You are consuming “tolerance juice” so that you can spend time with your family without anyone getting rabies because you bit them [after all, you ARE a cocker spaniel].

    There is no reason to be concerned about how much you drink. The “Are you an alcoholic” quiz is another example of Victor fucking with the interwebs to feed his desire to be right about everything.

    Like

  19. My best friend in high school had a cocker spaniel and it was always pulling her Mom’s pads out of the trash in the bathroom and eating them in the living room. The dpg’s name was Mickey. Mickey died a few years later from eating a bunch of cleaning products.

    Or maybe it was anti freeze.

    They also had a potbellied pig named Liza Minnelli.

    There house was a whole lot of AWESOME.
    .-= Zak´s last blog ..Deck The Hallz =-.

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  20. I’m not sure which one it is. Do I read your blog too much? Am I too drunk? I dunno…all I know is Drunk Cocker Spaniel makes PERFECT sense to me.

    Dear Santa, these christmas holidays I’d like to be a drunk cocker spaniel who doesn’t just fall over in the gutter and ask you for money, also marks her territory on the nearest fire hydrant and chases her tail on the dancefloor.

    Totally epic.
    .-= Leesh´s last blog ..The next game = FAIL =-.

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  21. You are waaaayyyyy too cool to be a Cocker Spaniel.

    As for alcoholism, I’d also say no. And I am typing this comment, drunk, on an iPhone… so if I can type on that keyboard drunk, I ought to know from alcoholic. Or something.

    You got nothing to worry about on either count. 🙂
    .-= mivox´s last blog ..mivox: @DaveNaylor Ahh. Very good point. Really never thought about film that way. 🙂 =-.

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  22. I got 45%. That’s a failing grade as far as I’m concerned.
    .-= LS´s last blog ..Gifts for Writers =-.

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  23. “Maybe they’re just trying to heroically stimulate the economy and then a year later they’re living under a bridge talking to themselves because they’re too drunk to use twitter correctly. Those people are fucking saints.”

    And I bet if they took the “which dog are you” test they would be Saint Benards. With a barrell around their necks. And on the barrell would be three little X-es which in cartoon language means alcohol but we all know that barrell is filled with porn.
    .-= William´s last blog ..Almost Done =-.

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  24. alcoholidays !!!! I love it …
    Thanks for helping stabalise the economy, I feel we must all do our part, bring on the alcoholidays 🙂
    .-= Briggsy´s last blog ..anatomicals =-.

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  25. Tell Victor to back off because “the Cocker is known to be a sensitive dog, mentally and physically. He has a “soft” personality and does not respond well to harsh treatment, sometimes turning to growling or snapping when he’s in pain or afraid.” It’s not your fault. You’re just choosing to drink instead of snapping and growling. I’m pretty sure you qualify as a saint at this point.

    Source: http://dogtime.com/dog-breeds/cocker-spaniel/personality Because plagiarism is just bad manners.
    .-= Lori´s last blog ..I Read Banned Books =-.

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  26. Woof!
    .-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..Health Alert: Cookies are good for you. =-.

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  27. What sucks is I used to be really nice to panhandlers, but since I’ve been working like 70 hours a week, I get all flustered when they ask for money. I start wanting to lecture them on the virtues of hard work and buying your kid all kinds of crazy-ass presents and being broke and tired but happy so no you can’t have any damn money dammit, i just blew another grand at amazon.com. again.

    Sigh. I should go back to being nice. This new hard-working me sounds like such a bitch. But I’m pretty drunk too, so there’s that 🙂
    .-= dotlizard´s last blog ..world history, with the pope =-.

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  28. Why else would people drink except to increase your confidence? I mean, are there people out there who drink because it tastes good, like cookies? If so, wouldn’t they just eat a cookie? That’s a stupid test.

    Like

  29. As it happens, the company that owns almost every high-street off-licence in Britain recently went into administration (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/8382221.stm). I see now that it was all our fault.
    .-= garic´s last blog ..Angry walruses and cats =-.

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  30. You are the Mother Teresa of libations, and, frankly, that’s something you should be proud of.
    You’ve inspired me.
    .-= Theresa Milstein´s last blog ..Not the Same =-.

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  31. The fact that you actually TOOK the test while under a bridge kind of proves that you’re an alcoholic be default.

    Either that, or you’re an alcoholic’s pet Cocker Spaniel.

    Either way, you’re living under a bridge and how fucking cool would THAT be?
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Tis the Season – You are a Dick =-.

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  32. I. Am. THE. Cocker. Spaniel.

    My hair proves it.

    End of story.

    LCM (no ‘x’, I am that offended)

    Like

  33. Just…make sure you clean your ears. Cocker Spaniels get like, rotchy-crotchy ear since they flop over and there’s no airflow or something. Yah, I’m pretty sure that’s a boneafide technical term…
    .-= Jessica´s last blog ..Courtyard Surprise =-.

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  34. If homeless people ask me for money for a bus ticket or a cup of coffee, I assume they’re lying. But if they ask me for money because they say they need a drink, I give generously, because I can relate to that.

    Like

  35. You’re rite. A cocker spaniel? My best day Ever, too.
    .-= BEau´s last blog ..It’s like Witnessing the First Death Trial… =-.

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  36. You wonder how those drunken homeless people get started? I strongly suspect it all starts in the men’s restroom at blogher.

    Like

  37. At least Cocker Spaniels are cute! Alcoholics, not so much. You have to ignore those online tests though. I once found one that was supposed to tell you if you had swine flu or not and it said I totally did. And then it congratulated me. For having swine flu. What the hell is that?!

    It was completely wrong by the way. I didn’t have swine flu.
    .-= LB @Wait, She Said What?´s last blog ..Moronic Monday – Did he steal a donut too? (Hubby as guest writer!) =-.

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  38. You didn’t say anything about wine in a box. Or, as some of my friends refer to it…”Mommies juice box”. Well, it’s made from grapes, so it’s a fruit serving. It’s a health food! And you can slush-a-tize it! Why is that bad? Oh wait…grapes and raisins aren’t good for dogs. In fact I am pretty sure I read they will cause death. Therefore I believe the two would be mutually exclusive. You could not be a cocker spaniel and drink wine slushies…and be alive. So maybe if you were a zombie cocker spaniel, we would buy in. Otherwise, you are just being rediculous.
    .-= Lookie Lou´s last blog ..Angels Among Us =-.

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  39. I was going to take that test but I fell asleep next to my secret boyfriend, vodka and cranberry juice (which might technically be two boyfriends-not so secret because clearly they know about each other), and when I woke up my laptop battery was dead, under a bridge, and a cocker spaniel was peeing on it. I give up.
    .-= juliejulie´s last blog ..The One About the Book Deal =-.

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  40. I should also mention that I took a similar test about what type of dog I am or should own or something, and found out that I’m a cat or should own a cat or something.
    .-= Theresa Milstein´s last blog ..Not the Same =-.

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  41. You have confirmed my suspicions that this blog is really written by a cocker spaniel, see I’m like a genius because I knew all the time. Then again I still give money to homeless people, particularly if they say they are going to by liquor with it, but I’m selfless like that.

    And as always thank you for making me laugh as a way to start the day 🙂
    .-= beth aka confusedhomemaker´s last blog ..Handmade Snowflake Soap =-.

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  42. 1. You know the results of the Are You an Alcoholic quiz don’t really count if you take it while drunk, right?

    2. Stop taking those Facebook quizzes – some teenager in Singapore writes them.
    .-= a´s last blog ..Turns out, I’m not as good at complaining as I thought I was =-.

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  43. I think with a few inexpensive pieces from Ikea and Wifi, ‘Under the Bridge’ could be a totally cool place to live, and I’d love to hang out there and drink/blog with you.
    .-= @marymac´s last blog ..Fo Shizzle, Virgizzle =-.

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  44. I agree with Brant, if a homeless person just straight up tells me they want some booze money I am three times as likely to give them real cash. In fact one time after a superbowl party I was moving and had a whole fridge of light beer that I was never going to drink so we put it all in a big black garbage bag and gave it to some hobos that lived around the corner. Happy superbowl, homeless people!
    .-= Jamie´s last blog ..#34 on the life list… check! =-.

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  45. And I totally forgot that time we lived downtown still and I was drunk and hanging out my second story window and some hobos walked by and asked me for beer so I started throwing them out the window! Man, I apparently have a lot of hobo booze stories.
    .-= Jamie´s last blog ..#34 on the life list… check! =-.

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  46. I keep taking the IQ tests online. The results are never good. I’ve tried to become a mensa member more times than I’d like to admit. Online tests are the devil, and I’m pretty sure he’s an alcoholic… therefore, if online tests are the devil and the devil is an alcoholic than all online tests have their basis in alcoholism. So your result of being positive for being an alcoholic cancels out with the fact that the test itself by its very nature is an alcoholic which leaves you with your original result of being a cocker spaniel. But if that test is alcoholic in nature as well… then you’re just fucked and apparently, a grapefruit. And I’m a fucking genius.
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..Do men actually use this? =-.

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  47. I totally love The Bloggess. No joke!!

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  48. I am pretty sure every cocker spaniel I ever met was drunk. They pee anywhere and all the time.
    .-= MidLifeMama´s last blog ..Light… =-.

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  49. Dude, I answered 3 questions yes and it said my drinking is harmful and possibly related to alcoholism. OF COURSE I DRINK BECAUSE I’M SHY but I answered no the one about confidence because I knew it was the same question and I said “fuck you quiz, you’re not double-jeopardy-ing me.” But I also said drinking messes with my sleep but there is no follow up question saying “If yes, did you stop drinking during the week because you like your sleepytime?” Because I did.

    So now we’re all drunks and I’m probably a chihuahua. A lazy one.
    .-= Just A Girl´s last blog ..Flashback Week Day 3: I’m a Little Nuts =-.

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  50. I’m sure cocker spaniels like eggnog — laced with bourbon!
    .-= tokenblogger´s last blog ..… and now my Dad has a crush on The Bloggess … =-.

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  51. If nice girls finish drunk, then it’s proof positive I am a nice girl…. except for when I am a snarky bitch…. which is most of the time…. although, I am frequently drunk as well….

    Hmmm…. clearly I am one of those confused dogs that chases it’s tail, catches it, then looks all pissed off at the cat like it was his fault.

    Woof…. or cheers…. whichever.
    .-= Jamie´s last blog ..Email to a friend. =-.

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  52. I just watched Intervention last night, and now that I am an expert on alcoholism, I believe it is safe to say that alcoholics wouldn’t seek out and willingly take a quiz to see if they are an alcoholic. But, they MIGHT accidentally take a “What Dog Are You?” Quiz when attempting to take another one … I’ll get back to you after I watch next week’s Intervention.
    .-= Veronica´s last blog ..An Ode to SNL =-.

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  53. Homeless people smell like Cocker Spaniels
    .-= Eric´s last blog ..Not Much =-.

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  54. If you have the mindset to take an online quiz, you don’t have a problem.
    So yeah…
    .-= WildlyBland´s last blog ..And I Wonder Why No One Wants To Go…. =-.

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  55. Bahahahhahahahhaaaaaaa! Effing hilarious!
    .-= Court´s last blog ..Place Holder… =-.

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  56. OK You know how like a ton of years ago people were having babies when they were 15 and it was normal? And now people are like 40 and still in college? I think drunk stuff is like that. LIke THESE days it’s totally ok to be like almost an alcoholic. It’s not like it was in the 1800’s.
    I may not be making sense now but I’m staring at a bottle of gray goose ON my desk AT the office.
    .-= Martinis or Diaper Genies?´s last blog ..B said it was a FAKE Blizzard. Part 2. =-.

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  57. Oh, and I forgot to mention, the only reason you’d have to worry is if Mad Dog 20/20 starts to seem like a good idea.
    .-= WildlyBland´s last blog ..And I Wonder Why No One Wants To Go…. =-.

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  58. I’m going to need that sobriety test in T minus 48 hours and counting. Of course, I am hoping that it tells me that I am a rockstar rather than a cocker spaniel, but if I am drunk enough I will probably be reading it that way. Have happy alcoholidays if we don’t see you post before then!
    .-= melistress´s last blog ..Let it Flow, Let it Flow, Let it Flow… =-.

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  59. Jenny, you are single-handedly pulling us out of the recession. Don’t let them tell you you’re an alcoholic until you’re pantsless and sleeping in a restaurant.
    .-= Sarah´s last blog ..Happy Holidays!! =-.

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  60. I read somewhere that Cocker Spaniels cause the most dog bites. Make sure you dont start biting people. Although, you could use the drunk excuse and not the “I am a cocker spaniel” excuse. Although, both are good.

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  61. Wow. Just took the stupid quiz. 3 questions yes out of 20 and I have a drinking problem. Pfffft. I guess we should all just be teetotalers.
    .-= Robynn´s last blog ..Almost Famous…. =-.

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  62. I want a wine slushy!
    .-= Michelle´s last blog ..?Weekend Update. =-.

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  63. Oh, and another thing. The quiz SHOULD have ended thusly, at least for me:

    If you answered “only because my husband is an asshat” to more than one of these questions, you TOTALLY DON’T have a drinking problem.

    Is drinking making your homelife unhappy? Only because my husband is an asshat.

    Does your drinking make you careless of your family’s welfare? Only because my husband is an asshat.

    Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily? Yeah, when the asshat gets home from work.

    You see where I’m going with this…
    .-= Robynn´s last blog ..Almost Famous…. =-.

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  64. A Drunken Spaniel…I LOVE IT!
    .-= Dayla´s last blog ..Goats =-.

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  65. “Do you crave a drink at a definite time every day?” Fuck yeah. Whenever I get home from work! Actually, when I get on the train, I crave a drink. What kind of stupid questions this test asks? “Does drinking affect your reputation?” Well, drinking does make me popular. NOT when I was in high school, but NOW. Screw the test. I am surprised it told you you are a cocker spaniel. Probably the word COCK is in it. I for one, if asked such a dumb question “what kind of dog do you think The Bloggess is?” and after I clobber the ask-er with my beer bottle, I would say a Tibetan Mastiffs, ’cause baby, you are worth it. Plus, you are like Mother Teresa, right? So you must be like the Dalai Lama too… Just doing some free word association…

    http://www.usatoday.com/life/lifestyle/pets/2009-12-20-china-dogs_N.htm
    .-= submom´s last blog ..Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas: Jackal & Hyde Style =-.

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  66. I think the homeless people should pay us money.
    .-= Shawna´s last blog ..Year in Review – April Part 3 (The one where I become a soccer mom. And coach.) =-.

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  67. If just once you could write a really, really unfunny, flop-sweat inducing post, it would make me feel like maybe I’m not a total hack and I shouldn’t give up writing and become a drunk homeless person. Because your consistently hilarious posts? That’s how they make me feel. Are you happy now, you evil bitch?
    .-= Daddy Scratches´s last blog ..Well, at least it’s not a dog =-.

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  68. I find it more resourceful to steal from the homeless. That way, I’m not spending my own money AND I’m saving them from themselves. I’ve also taken the alcoholic test, but I took it when I was drunk and don’t remember the outcome – I have my suspicions though.
    .-= *uncorked´s last blog ..Sandwich and a Lunchtime Crush =-.

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  69. I took the alcoholism screening test – and I’m a cocker spaniel too!

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  70. Oooh. Wine slushies? You have MY attention.

    My son just finished up and on-line course and the final exam was 79 multiple choice questions, many of which featured “All of the Above.” He soon discovered that whenever “All of the Above” appeared, that was the correct answer. The screwy part of this was that “All of the Above” was not always at the bottom of the list. In fact, it showed up as option A at least twice. Now THAT is a tricky test. And one question actually asked what form of cocaine was more popular because it gives you a quicker high. My tax dollars at work.
    .-= Michelle´s last blog ..Why do our Brain’s go There? =-.

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  71. As a long time fully functioning alcoholic I just want to say I’m proud of you Jenny and welcome to the elite.

    By the way, I’ve been studying for that quiz for many years now but I still lack the confidence to take it. Maybe I should have a few rum and cokes first. Just to settle the nerves of course.

    HEY!I CAN STOP WHENEVER I WANT!! GIVE THAT BOTTLE BACK TO ME!

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  72. Suck one, homeless.
    .-= katie´s last blog ..Cruel and unusual punishment: deer hunters beware =-.

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  73. What a stupid test.
    “Do you ever feel remorseful after drinking?”
    REALLY?! What’s the point of drinking if you don’t do crazy effed up shit?! It’s called Texts from Last Night… I guess they should all be in AA too?!
    Pshhhhh Whatever, about.com. You know nothing ABOUT it.

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  74. So I took the test, and there needs to be more than Yes/No. How about “A Little Bit, sorta sometimes when my husband is an ass or I’m in a bitchy mood to start with?” Because I kept saying “No,” even though it was kind of yes, which I think means my denial is pretty serious, and I probably am an alcoholic after all.
    .-= Lori´s last blog ..Nothing Says "Festive" Like a Giant, Balding Boar’s Head =-.

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  75. You make me so happy. Soo incredibly happy. I would pass out right now if could from drunkeness, but since I’m shamefully sober, I’ll just try to have seizure instead.
    .-= Ruth´s last blog ..Toilets and the low down dirty flow =-.

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  76. I get that, too. “He’s just going to buy alcohol with it.” Duh. That’s why I’m giving it to him. And not giving it to him does not a non-homeless, non-alcoholic make. My refusal to give him money will only make him sober AND homeless. That’s no way to live. Buy the man a beer, people. Buy the man a beer.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Love me, love my butthole =-.

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  77. I just took that quiz. I answered “yes” to 5 out of 20 questions. According to John Hopkins, I might be an alcoholic if I answer “yes” to 3 questions or more. Dude, I get drunk maybe 4 times a year! Still, better go see the health professionals!!!

    I think the real problem is that I said yes to the question about drinking alone. That’s because I had a rum ‘n’ eggnog at dinner last night. It was just me and my kids, age 6 and 7. So they weren’t drinking rum. So I was drinking on my own even though I wasn’t technically alone. Online quizzes about alcoholism should understand these subtleties, shouldn’t they?

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  78. That must be why Guiliani wanted to get rid of all the homeless. He didn’t want them sucking the New York economy down. It would be an interesting discussion in an economics class for sure.
    .-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Tuesday Trivia: Trademarks =-.

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  79. Every time *I* take one of those fucking quizzes, it tells me I’m an asshole. WTF?
    .-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..Tattoo YOU! =-.

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  80. wine and slushy. amen.

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  81. Now I want a wine slushy. I blame you. Because you’re a homeless cocker spaniel. Also: I’m not nearly drunk enough. Please send wine.
    .-= Trish´s last blog ..Because mouse poop is funny =-.

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  82. I’m just a cock who drinks a lot.
    .-= muskrat´s last blog ..desperately seeking schlong =-.

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  83. Please to link to the dog quiz. Am too drunk to get on facebook and find it myself.

    Shit. My boyfriend just informed me that “drunk” doesn’t mean “lazy”. He’s an asshole.
    .-= txtingmrdarcy´s last blog ..Txt of the Day- Holiday Cheer Edition =-.

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  84. I try not to judge the homeless either, but then I recall one incident that makes it extremely difficult:
    This homeless guy was begging on the corner and I, in a moment of generosity, waved a dollar bill (the only cash I had) out my window for him. He walked over, frowned, snatched the dollar and said “You people are really nickel-and-diming me today.” The fuck? I dollared you asshole! I dollared you!
    .-= mommica´s last blog ..Weekend List: Drowning =-.

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  85. This? Explains EVERYTHING I didn’t understand in that Econ 100 class back in 1987.
    .-= Lynn @ human,being´s last blog ..Best of ‘09: Restaurant Moment #bestof =-.

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  86. You had me at “nice girls finish drunk”
    .-= harmzie´s last blog ..Girly Bible =-.

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  87. I’ll always remember this one homeless guy I emptied my coin-filled coat pocket to. He looked down in amazement and then asked me if I was sure I wanted to give all of that. Then he tried to give some back! He was concerned if I was going to have enough change to make it through the day (maybe I looked homeless myself? talk about bad hair days and what not to wear..) I’ll also remember him because he looked like Santa Claus. No joke. Even if they lie about why they want the money – I still give it to them. Sure they may go buy drinks. If I was homeless I’d sure as hell want one (or more). Why is my drinking more respectable than theirs? In fact, Drunk Homeless Person, I owe you some respect. You’re holding up the economy..er, sort of.. you’ve got more reason than most of us to take another sip…and you’re far less likely to be behind the wheel of a car when you do.

    Like

  88. YAY! I took that a couple of weeks ago because I was bored at work. I got 11 right!! I was so proud. I wish they had these kind of quizzes in school…I would have kicked ass. But I am pretty sure the xanax I take cancels out some of the questions…which is awesome.

    Like

  89. Forget the friggin test… I want to know how to make wine slushies !
    Oh… and the homeless lady with a kid whose bus ticket I offered to buy for her so she could get to her mom’s house so the baby wouldn’t be out in the cold without a real coat or anything… John may have been right… she might have been using the baby to get crack money… but I gave her the 20 anyway… or I made John give her his 20… same thing… and I bet she did buy a bus ticket after she got her fix cuz she really did have a kid and I hope she really did have a mom… That’s what Christmas is all about anyway, right?
    Don’t forget the slushie recipe… some of us with 6 kids — most of them snowed out of school for the week so we have to have them at home with us — could REALLY use one… for us or the kids… either way it works!
    .-= Dawn´s last blog ..I just love the Great Pumpkin… Oh, Wrong Holiday… =-.

    Like

  90. And here I thought I was a bad girl ’cause I was drunk, turns out I’m a NICE one! WooHoo. Go me!
    .-= Martie´s last blog ..Tis The Season To Work Your ASS Off And Be Alone, Fa La La La La, La La LA LA… =-.

    Like

  91. At least you don’t have a silicon cup in your vag. Seriously, how long do you have to “try” something before you can give up and still say you gave it a fair shake?
    .-= Elly Lou´s last blog ..Fuzzy on Reconnaissance =-.

    Like

  92. I love you….(not “that”way, though)

    Like

  93. when faced with homelessness AND sobriety, maybe it’ll scare the hobos straight? so we’re actually helping them get back on their feet? i feel better about not giving them money. thank you, bloggess!

    Like

  94. Jenny did you know that even though I’m not an alcoholic, every time I get drunk everyone thinks I am. Apparently, when normal people casually drink, they don’t pee in parking lots of bars or even worse: Pee themselves when they ‘re vomiting.

    Also, I love when quizzes do that bullshit “YOU MIGHT HAVE A PROBLEM” but really they’re silently judging you for being too mean to others (or apparently drinking too much) but think you’re too fragile to handle the truth.

    People who write these quizzes are the worst sort of people.
    .-= Rook Ie´s last blog ..Bloggers do it in front of a computer at 2:30am – or between loads of laundry. =-.

    Like

  95. It scares me that your logic sounds completely sane to me.

    How do you make wine slushies? Please share this little bit of genius.
    .-= Dual Mom´s last blog ..Houston…We Have Liftoff!!! =-.

    Like

  96. Dude, wine slushy recipe STAT!

    Like

  97. Wine slushies do sound delicious. Although that’s probably because I’ve got a drinking problem. Or so says that dumbass quiz (who hasn’t regretted a night of drinking? or had a drink by themselves?) I think you’ve got a drinking problem if you DON’T get categorized as an alcoholic. Stupid quiz. I need a drink.
    .-= Karen´s last blog ..Boobs & Christmas Trees =-.

    Like

  98. Cheers!

    Like

  99. Wine slushy?

    That’s a whole separate drink?

    I think I need to adjust the temperature on this wine fridge.
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Greek Mythology, Jews, and Yet Another Reason I’m Going to Hell =-.

    Like

  100. 100
    Kevin MacNutt

    When I was a kid my parents had a cocker spaniel. I wanted a real dog, but we got a cocker instead. We did not have this one very long because she was impossible to potty train and we had just moved into a new house. Everytime the dog would get excited she would pee and wag her tail causing a “sprinkler” effect. Needless to say this absolutely ruined the carpets. I can see a drunk person acting much the same way, except for the tail part, unless they are a drunk freak or something and actually have a tail, then it isn’t so bad because you could put them in the circus and make money and that would stimulate the economy. Problem solved!

    Like

  101. alcoholics have a problem with their drinking;
    you have no problem with it…right? Right..this would then qualify you as a functional alcoholic…way better.

    the most prevalent forms of alcohol posioning in dogs is actually from bread- you see the yeast not only gives them infections; but it actually gets them drunk; I think that you need to stop eating bread and passing out because those homeless dogs are drinking your drinks and pretending to be you – wigs n all.

    sober up puppy love, loves the blog – it continues to get better every day! i hope you have happy alcoholidays!!!

    Like

  102. I’d rather be a pug.

    Like

  103. crap …. wine slushies.?!?.. alcohol can freeze!?!?
    …… I gotta go get my hidden wine-I-dont-have-a-problem stash into the house……

    I always learn the best tips here! Thanks!
    .-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Only in Milwaukee …… =-.

    Like

  104. You are so giving. How do you stand it? Just saving the economy like that, poof! And with your liver and penchant for boxed wine and fizzy coolers, no less. Marvelous. Simply marvelous.

    Gawsh. I wish that someday I can use my powers for good (like you) and not evil.

    God save the Queen.
    .-= sandyb´s last blog ..Oatmeal to die for. =-.

    Like

  105. I dunno, a drunk Cocker Spaniel might be fun.

    Like

  106. Hm, Frankly I’d much rather take the “what kind of dog are you” than the alcoholism test (my score was zero…BORING).
    .-= Deidre´s last blog ..Then the doctor said "shake dat ass for me, shake dat ass for me" =-.

    Like

  107. You make me want to be a better drunk.

    Or a cocker spaniel.

    I can’t decide.
    .-= Ed Adams´s last blog ..Vasectomy report and randomness =-.

    Like

  108. Wine slushy sounds so… cold? for this time of year, I prefer something warmer. Like tea, maybe – I rarely ever drink alcohol, it’s just not as available where I live.
    .-= Anne from Most-Amazing.com´s last blog ..Amazing Sand Art Video =-.

    Like

  109. I don’t drink. One sip of red wine is the maximum voluntary contact I have had with liquor.
    So how drunk does that make me? A labrador? 😉
    Loved your post.
    .-= eternaloptimista´s last blog ..The Excess Baggage =-.

    Like

  110. I love you – don’t go changin’
    .-= Karin´s last blog ..Merry Christmas =-.

    Like

  111. PS I may or may not have been a bit cocker spanieled when I posted that
    .-= Karin´s last blog ..Merry Christmas =-.

    Like

  112. I find that the more I drink, the less I think about whether or not I drink too much, and the more I think about what I should drink next.
    .-= Christina Bell´s last blog ..Why I Love Tokyo and The Old Blind Cat =-.

    Like

  113. At least you do not have prostate issues. When I see those ads about If You Answer Yes, Talk to Your Doctor About Your Prostate! I always end up with what sounds like the prostate of a cranky old man. Interesting because I am a peri-menopausal woman.

    Oh, and HEY! I was flying from Moscow to Columbus and all hell broke loose because of the snow in DC and I got rerouted through JAPAN, and while I was there, when I wasn’t humming that Vapors song, I thought of you!

    Could you tell?

    Like

  114. Mmmm, wine slushy. Now I think I know how my new Ninja Master Prep (food cutter-upper) is gonna lose it’s virginity.

    ~EdT.
    .-= EdT.´s last blog ..Here’s looking at you =-.

    Like

  115. And I’m right there with you – as a cocker spaniel, that is. I’ll never admit to anything else!
    .-= Jane´s last blog ..A Blast From the Past =-.

    Like

  116. “Cough, cough.” Why is it I feel a little bit like a TheBloggess stalker lately?
    .-= tokenblogger´s last blog ..I am not even a drunk cocker spaniel… =-.

    Like

  117. I inadvertently discovered wine slushies a few weeks ago. mmmm, now I’m thirsty.
    .-= Kate @ ParentTrend´s last blog ..Last Minute Gift Ideas =-.

    Like

  118. Wow, never knew I was a German Shepard.

    Now I need to order this book How to Teach Physics to Your Dog and learn physics. Or maybe have a wine slushie. Such decisions.

    Like

  119. I’ll take this online test, too, but only if there’s a companion “Are You A Pirate?” test, because I’m pretty sure that I hold my liquor so well that I’m well-qualified to be a pirate. That’s the working alcoholic who took to sea instead of bridges and I’d also look excellent in tattered stripes and swimming in piles of gold coins.

    Like

  120. I am dubious of any test where if you answered totally randomly, you would have 70 to 80% positive rate. It looks too sensitive and very non-specific .

    Like

  121. Did you know that every time I read your blog I start talking like you for at least an hour afterward? I realized this because I’m currently visiting with family for the holidays, and I was reading your blog and then 20 minutes later my mom was all, “Why are you talking about alcohol and using the f-word all the time? And what do cocker spaniels have to do with anything anyway?” And I’m all, “Will Smith was right – parents just don’t understand.” And she was all, “Understand what?” And I was all, “Exactly.”

    She didn’t talk to me for a good 3 hours after that, which would be great, except I’m one of the few women in the world who actually loves my mom a lot and we normally get along really well. So I was kinda sad. And I thought maybe I should stop reading your blog so I wouldn’t talk like you anymore, but then I realized you’re awesome and I love it when I talk like you, so instead I just decided I would only read your blog when I knew I wouldn’t be seeing my mom for at least two hours.

    I thought it was very important you know that story.
    .-= Lara´s last blog ..A Cold Slab of Stone =-.

    Like

  122. I think for the holidays, I will follow your lead. I will support our economy as well and go kick some homeless ass for fucking everything up and for turning you into a cocker spaniel.

    ps~i totally heart victor!!
    .-= magda´s last blog ..Bah Hum Bug =-.

    Like

  123. If you give your cocker spaniel money, they too will use it to buy liquor. Fuckers.
    .-= Julie´s last blog ..No, CH, There Is No Santa Claus =-.

    Like

  124. I took the What Dog Are You? test and it told me I was a drunk whore. But so did the What Disney Princess Are You? test, and the What Does Your Day of Birth About You? quiz. So I’m pretty sure Facebook is broken. Or just incredibly intuitive.
    .-= Bejewell´s last blog ..The Ornament Exchange (Alternate Title: I Suck Big Hairy Balls) =-.

    Like

  125. My favorite question in the alcoholism quiz: Q: Do you turn to inferior companions and environments when drinking? I mean, how fucking judgmental is that? Quiz, why are you calling my friends and environments inferior? What the fuck does YOUR trailer look like?
    .-= Sean´s last blog ..Punch drunk at Smuggler’s Cove =-.

    Like

  126. And? I love that your blog called me out for my last post being about drinking. Hello, mirror.
    .-= Sean´s last blog ..Punch drunk at Smuggler’s Cove =-.

    Like

  127. Does that mean you have to do it doggie-style with Victor now? I’m getting a visual…Jenny lapping wine slushies out of a doggie bowl while Victor…ewwwwww, make it stop. Don’t tell him this or let him read it. You will give a very good man very bad ideas….spiked collars and all.

    Like

  128. I am so totally laughing my drunk ass off right now. At the post, Jenny, and the comments. @Sean I agree about th inferior friends and places…wow, its like if you drink ANYTHING you must be hanging out in the gutter.

    Also 3 that would be THREE yes answers…I scored a 50%….so yup…alcomaholic here! Stupid Tests.

    And the DR. at the top who said something like you are only an alcoholic if you drink more than your DR. Well My DR. probably wrote that judgmental question that Sean mentioned because he does all these gay iron man thingy’s and when I say I had a box o wine last night he raises an eyebrow and stamps my folder with the big alcoholic stamp.

    That test sucks.
    And I am totally drinking a glass of wine right now.
    .-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..HO HO HO…Secret Santa Can Suck It! =-.

    Like

  129. Holy shit that was a long comment. Sorry.
    .-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..HO HO HO…Secret Santa Can Suck It! =-.

    Like

  130. If anyone told me I was a cocker spaniel, I’d freakin’ hunt them down and make them take it back. But that’s probably because I’m something more persistent and less cuddly than a cocker spaniel, like a rat terrier or a mangy cur.
    .-= followthatdog´s last blog ..Why we do it =-.

    Like

  131. Well how retarded. You got Cocker spaniel…? I would have guessed poodle or at least a Pomeranian .

    My husband says there’s this “homeless” guy that guilts people into giving him cash outside of where he works but apparently he always has new clothes on. That’s fucked up.
    .-= Levon´s last blog ..Always weigh yourself on carpet =-.

    Like

  132. as an alcoholic, I thought “Nice Girls Finish Drunk” was really funny. Even if I wasn’t an alcoholic I would have though it was funny. Plus, I always thought it was ‘lamblasted’ too. Lamblasted sounds better and does make more sense.

    Like

  133. you keep the economy balanced down there and I will up here and Texas will probably never slide off into the ocean.

    How is James Garfield? Does he have on a Christmas vest or anything festive? He may be too badass just like he is.

    Ho to the third
    .-= Bj in Dallas´s last blog ..Dont’ Google Ugly Christmas Sweaters =-.

    Like

  134. No one at AA strikes me as a shy drunk. They strike me as rambling drunks who can’t use Twitter because nothing they have to say can be said in under 140 keys. Nothing.
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..Gift Giving – It’s the Thought that Counts =-.

    Like

  135. If you replace drinking with tweeting in that quiz, I am such a twitterholic. Stop judging me.
    .-= Mr Farty´s last blog ..Advent Calendar =-.

    Like

  136. that quiz is totally fucked. why isn’t there a “sometimes” button? i’m totally drinking while i type this because i’m not taking this sitting down. ok, i am actually sitting down, but you get the point.
    .-= ineedatrustfund´s last blog ..murderous designs =-.

    Like

  137. My cocker spaniel hardly EVER drinks too much.
    Definitely not more than once or twice a week.

    Like

  138. Turns out I’m a huskey…

    …and an alcoholic? I blame the Irishman in me.
    (Even though I’m a woman.)
    (I now blame the Irish-migit-man in me.)
    (Fucking leperchauns.)

    Like

  139. Laughing my ass off. Love James Garfield, Jr. is going to eat your drunk cocker spaniel ass for lunch if you’re not careful!
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..Is… =-.

    Like

  140. lol great post. First vist and have to say I will def be back for more. mullet, alcoholic good times..lol
    .-= John Paul Aguiar´s last blog ..Happy Holidays and My Personal Thank You =-.

    Like

  141. I did an online career quiz that told me I should be a dog groomer…
    Judging by the looks of my dog, I’m pretty sure I make a better alcoholic.
    .-= Jennifer June´s last blog ..Aaaaaaand scene! =-.

    Like

  142. I’ve taken that test before. I’m pretty sure it’s designed to make you seem like you have a problem. Like if you answer EVERY question negatory, it’ll still say, “you answered one too many questions ‘yes’, you’re a drunkard. Seek help.”

    plus I totally noticed that the questions are redundant and thought that was some bullshit!

    To be honest, though, I never took the test while drinking… That just seems like it’s asking for trouble!
    .-= Kevin´s last blog ..I Just Haven’t Met You Yet =-.

    Like

  143. I never understood that whole thing of not giving money to homeless people because they’ll only spend it on alcohol. If YOU were homeless, wouldn’t you want to get drunk?
    .-= Zoey @ Good Goog´s last blog ..The Magic of Bubbles =-.

    Like

  144. I’m late to the party on this post, but what the hell does this question mean?

    Q: Do you turn to inferior companions and environments when drinking?

    So if you are hanging out with me while I’m drinking does that make you an inferior companion? So by drinking I get to make people inferior or do they do that on their own? And by inferior environment, is that when I drink in the bathroom instead of the living room? So if I keep drinking in the same place with the same people, I don’t have a problem?

    I also don’t understand why it didn’t ask the most important question– Have you ever awoken after drinking and been unable to find your pants? That more clearly indicates a problem– like that you don’t wear a tight enough belt. Or maybe you are just a slut. Or you got too hot. Okay, so that question doesn’t help anything either.
    .-= jcaroline´s last blog ..Digital Designs =-.

    Like

  145. I answered three questions yes, and it told me I need to see a medical professional. I’ve had one drink since last january.

    Like

  146. I answered zero questions yes because I’m 15 so can’t drink and apparently I have a drinking problem. I think the test has been rigged by the medical professionals I have now been told to see.

    Like

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