If I wake up as a puddle of blood tomorrow he’s going to feel really bad.

in conversations, I swear to God I donate to Doctors without Borders, Just sad, Random Crap, rants, sickness

me:  I’m dying.

Victor:  You’re not dying.  You have a cold.

me:  I have hemorrhagic fever.

Victor:  Did you just make that up?

me:  No, I’m deadly serious.  First of all, I have a fever, and last night I had a nosebleed, and now my teeth are bleeding.

Victor:  I’m pretty sure teeth can’t bleed.

me:  My gums then.  Whatever.  The point is that I’m hemorrhaging internally.  Probably to death.

Victor:  I think you’re confusing hemorrhagic fever with gingivitis again.

me:  I don’t have gingivitis.

Victor:  Well you also don’t have hemorrhagic fever.

me:  It feels kind of like the Ebola Virus.  But like, totally worse.

Victor:  Where are all the forks?

me:  I think I’m bleeding out of my eyeballs.

Victor:  Try to do it over the sink.  Seriously, why don’t we ever have any clean forks?

me:  My nose just fell off.

Victor:  Why are all these dirty dishes in the washer?  Why would you go to the trouble of loading the dishwasher and not just start it?

me:  I can’t feel my legs.

Victor:  Great. Now we have no forks.  Way to go, hon.

me:  My heart just stopped and now I’m craving brains.

Victor:  And of course we don’t even have plastic forks.  If you use all the damn plastic forks you need to tell me so I can buy more.

me:  …braaaaaains…..

Victor:  How the fuck am I supposed to eat spaghetti with a spoon?

me:  *gurgle* * associated sounds of decomposition*

Victor:  Motherfucker.  So I guess I’ll have to go buy the forks since you’re too sick?

me:  …braaaaaaai-

Victor:  Fine. I’m taking your car.  I’ll be back in a bit.

me:  *sigh*

Disclaimer: Only the first few sentences of this post have actually happened.  The rest is a reenactment of what I assume will happen later this afternoon when Victor realizes that we don’t have any forks and I die of spite neglect whatever made those Nazi’s explode at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.  I’m pretty sure that was hemorrhagic fever too.

Comment of the day: Just be thankful it’s not *Hemorrhoidic* Fever.  Cleaning up exploding brains would be the LEAST of your worries. ~ moooooog35

103 thoughts on “If I wake up as a puddle of blood tomorrow he’s going to feel really bad.”

Read comments below or add one.

  8. That’s definitely hemorrhagic fever. I saw it on the interweb. And also on TV.

    You’re probably contagious. You’d better quarantine yourself now, before your face melts off.

  9. Oh man, you totally have the same thing the Nazis had in Raiders of the Lost Arc! I hope that doesn’t spread electronically and get us all sick.

    Good lord, that would be a massive zombie uprising… Of really weird people…

    Ah well, if it happens, it happens. I’ll start carrying a flask of A1, just in case I start craving people meat.
    .-= KeepingYouAwake´s last blog ..KeepingYouAwake: My first performance singing in the car today shall be Billy Joel – For the Longest Time. Be glad twitter doesn’t have sound. =-.

  11. Sounds to me like you’ve acquired the dreaded Mexican pig AIDS.

    You will be dead soon.

    Can I have James Garfield? It’d be best if you shipped him now before you die.

    Thanks,
    Ira

  20. Gosh I thought I was the only one who craved brains. And fresh placenta.

    Just thank your lucky stars you weren’t bleeding out of your anus. That’s never a fun time. Never.
    .-= BrilliantSulk´s last blog ..The Aftermath =-.

  22. you might remind victor that forks are *more than* suitable for stabbing people. “walk softly and carry a big fork”, that’s what i always say. well, ok, i rarely say that at all, but you get the idea.

    next time, though, could you please die from a disease i can spell? or maybe get a “the h-fever from h-town” kinda thing going. if not for me, do it for the children: they can’t make get well cards for diseases they can’t spell. oh! and please don’t be a nazi. that’s problemly not good for children either.

    get well soon, being sick sucks.

  23. Big Forking Deal!

    Next time Victor gives you grief about dying, tell him to Fork Off.

    I should say, “If” since he didn’t actually give you the doubt on the first occassion.
    .-= Ed Adams´s last blog ..Tuesday Quickie… =-.

  24. I had that SAME F%*&ING COLD last week on MY birthday. We must be cursed. Thankfully, I didn’t explode but it sure felt like I was going to.

    We don’t have any forks either even though I”m “technically” done being sick. Tell Victor to dig one out of the dishwasher and hand wash it. duh.

  31. This is my “week off”. Actually more like “MY week ON”. I reevaluate who I am, what I can do, what I’m not doing, where I want to go, who I want to be. I read, listen to music, write, reconnect with myself. I haven’t read blogs for months and months, and I haven’t blogged myself in at least that long… So, I was deleting lots of blogs off of my list of those I follow… In order to stay, this year – it needed to be a blog that after reading it, I feel more creative. I read until your nose fell off. You are SOOOOO on the list that stays…

  32. Tell Victor to pick up some dental floss while he’s out. Couldn’t hurt. Might help the tooth bleeding but probably not the eyeball bleeding. It’s a start.
    .-= Andrea´s last blog .."Vagabond" =-.

  33. Damn it Jenny, what have I told you about having hemorrhagic fevers without any clean forks in the house?! And who the hell told about those Nazis having it? That’s what happens when Nazis have hemorrhagic fevers without any forks in the house. They get killed by magic boxes and turn into Zombies who crave brains. I have to wonder why they don’t just crack their own heads open and eat their own brains, though. I mean…they’re dead already, it’s not like they’ll DIE without their brains. And now I want to find a zombie and see if they can eat their own brains.
    .-= Mireyah Wolfe´s last blog ..This is the Year that…uhm…is ending =-.

  41. You’ll be glad for those forks when you can no longer resist the urge to eat brains. You know, cause, it would just be rude to eat brains with the wrong utensil. Now MY brains hurt.
    .-= Elly Lou´s last blog ..A Plea for Brandy =-.

  52. I’ve waited patiently for you to turn over that magnificent pigboarweregoat head that you call James Garfield.

    You have an hour to initiate the shipping process – your eminent death notwithstanding.

    I am not above coming over and stealing him myself but then you’d have to tell me where exactly it is that you live and being the worldly-inner tube expert-blog type person that you are you probably won’t tell me and I’m too lazy to figure out how to web-stalk you and I really hate the cold so I probably won’t go outside today unless of course the ice cream truck rolls by but I doubt that’ll happen so perhaps it’d be best for all concerned if you just gave in and mailed me that damn pig thing.

    There isn’t some sort of “else” coming. I just really really really want James to live with me. Don’t tell my wife she said no already but I’m certain once she sees him in person/pig/weregoat she’ll change her mind.

  55. If you are having a migraine too…..then, I got’s what you gots problemly. Seeing double is good when it concerns wine slushies.

  56. Fork? Spoon? Didn’t Victor ever learn to eat with his hands? I’m CERTAIN he knew how at a very young age – just ask his mom. No, forget it, that sounds too much like work. Tell him that dishwashing is a unisex function, and that you need some TLC, besides.

    You do make me laugh, even when you’re sick. Thanks!
    .-= Peg Cherre´s last blog ..Christmas Weaving Revealed =-.

  59. Way to give away the end of Raiders in case I hadn’t had a chance to watch it yet (in the last 30 years).

    You can totally kill someone / stab yourself in the eye with a dirty fork, but that would be unhygienic.

    PS – Happy Birthday! Maybe Victor got you forks for your birthday. Or a cleaning person to press start on the machine.
    .-= My Baby Sweetness´s last blog ..Quote of the day =-.

  61. Please tell Victor to make you a Wine/Nyquil slushie. You will be up throwing forks and knives, I mean washing forks and knives in no time.

    Feel better. 🙁
    .-= Lookie Lou´s last blog ..Have a Heart! =-.

  64. Yeah, you’ve got like one of the best husbands in the world, but for godsakes man it IS way faster to wash a fork yourself, AND to start the dishwasher while you’re standing there looking at it and complaining. I mean, God, what are going to do, Victor, when Jenny’s gone from the hem-or-a-gicky thingy fever? Buy plastic forks by the case? YOU’RE KILLING THE PLANET VICTOR!

  65. Oddly enough I had to eat spaghetti and a salad this weekend with a spoon because we also ran out of clean forks and were out of plastic ones. It can be done but what a challenge. BTW, I wasn’t at your house was I?

    Hope you recover soon. The blogosphere would be ever so dull without you. 🙂
    .-= Michelle´s last blog ..GAS =-.

  66. If it makes you feel any better, most people have gingivitis. So you probably do too. Happy birthday.
    (and feel better!)

  70. Don’t get sporks!!! My sister brought those evil utensils of destruction back from a land down under years ago, and they have mutilated everyone that attempted to eat with them. They look all cute and shit, but one side of the “spoon” part has a knife ground into it. You’ll get all Joker-faced from eating with them!!!
    I, too, have the ebola virus thingie, and my doctor gave me codeine cough syrup to keep me compliant while my brains explode. There are worse ways to die.

  71. I seriously had tears running down my face. This shit is hilarious!
    My house is similar to this, I could fall off my death bed and everyone would just step over me….. while complaining that they don’t have clean underwear.
    .-= Larissa´s last blog ..New Years Resolutions… =-.

  72. That would be so cool if you turned into a zombie and then all of your blog posts were from a zombie’s point of view. Then we could make a movie out of it. It might be kind of boring though since all you’d say is “braaaaiiinnnsss” and we’d have to tie you to a chair so you wouldn’t bite Victor or you child.

    On second thought, bite Victor. Go ahead. James Garfield will look after your kid.
    .-= Stephanie L´s last blog ..Dinosaur Ninjas =-.

  75. Whenever I read the word “gingivitis” (ha! or type it, too!) I hear it in an booming echoey deep dark Wizard-of-Oz-Before-He-Comes-Out-From-Behind-The-Curtain voice. Or James Earl Jones.

    So I “hear” Victor saying it like that, and then “hear” you being all feeble and all except when you get to “GINGIVITIS”.

    Oh my gawd. This makes less and less sense the more I type. End this…
    .-= harmzie´s last blog ..And to all a good night… =-.

  77. Man, sounds serious – get well soon, girl! I LOVE your blog. When my fella hears me giggling randomly on the web, he’s getting to know it means I’m checkin out the bloggess! But please tell me, seriously, you guys do actually know you can wash a couple of forks by yourselves, right? The default ‘oh crap, I forgot to set the dishwasher running’ response doesn’t have to be to buy plastic forks! It’s called a sink, and it takes less time than it takes to put them in the dishwasher and press start. Yep. We Europeans are soooo retro-eco-cool!
    Happy 2010 to you, Victor, Hailey. And James Garfield.

  78. People who leave one word comments like, “yay!” or “LOL” deserve hemorrhagic fever. It’s douchebagy to leave useless crap like that on other people’s blogs JUST so you’ll get a few mercy clicks over to your neck of the woods. (that’s why I’ve left like, 40+ words here… that makes me less of a douchebag by about 40%. Now THOSE are great fucking stats.)

    PS, for your doting husband- you can totally eat spaghetti with a spoon- two words: chop n’ scoop.
    .-= sandyb´s last blog ..Resolutions are for people who can’t figure out that Cindarella is ruining your life. =-.

  79. We (hubby Don Crowder and I) made you a favicon for your site. Here’s where to go get it and what to do with it.

  81. Oh no. The only thing worse than zombies is zombies with gingivitis…

    Just a thought, but maybe start the dishwasher and then you won’t have to struggle with Victor as much through the throes of your hemorrhagic fever.
    .-= Robynn´s last blog ..I Am Horrible. =-.

  82. Damn girl, you got the H2N2 virius … aka Zombie-itis …

    Try Lookie Lou ‘s Nyquil/wine slushies …. sounds like that may be a winner!

    Chugs and Cheers! Feel better soon!

  92. Holy crap! Hemorrhagic fever is scary. You should probably be in isolation, not loading the dishwasher.

    Tell Victor when he is out buying plastic forks he should probably get some gloves, gowns, shoe and leg coverings, and a faceshield or goggles. You don’t want him to get it, otherwise there won’t be anyone to wash the forks.

    Good luck. Hope you feel better.
    .-= OhSweetSara´s last blog ..It’s Because No One Ever Told Me When Stuff Would Happen =-.

  93. I was SOOO going to do the Body Electric exercise thing AFTER I read your blog, but I almost peed my pants from laughing- not at you, at Victor- or Future Victor, so strenuous exercise – not a good idea.
    And then I realized that my family is exactly the same… only worse! I have 4 adult-like people living here with me and NONE of them ever hit the on button on the dishwasher… but they all eat with those dishes, right?
    The lesson is: IF you get sick, make sure the dishes, and the laundry, are clean BEFORE you die… or it could be that your family is a thankless, spoiled lot (like mine) but then you have to admit you are the one that made them that way in the first place… so never mind.
    Feel Better soon… and drink more wine slushies… I hear they counteract the Zombie-Effect of the mutant virus.
    .-= Dawn´s last blog ..Why am I thinking up New Year Resolutions I know I will never keep when I could be eating a big slice of pie? =-.

  94. Well, the good thing with ebola is you die quickly so you’d only have to hear about Victor and his fork drama for one round, rather than his beating of the dead horse.
    .-= traci´s last blog ..TFLN take 2 =-.

  95. The scene where the Nazis melted freaked me out when I was little, and I thought my own offspring would be scared, so I’m all, when this happens, it’s fake, they are clay or something, people don’t really melt that fast, etc. They weren’t the LEAST BIT freaked out out about it. So I guess, I kids today- gross melting people is no big deal, but leave the water running while you brush your teeth and they freak out like you wouldn’t believe.
    .-= LS´s last blog ..Preparing for Resolutions =-.

  96. PS: I once used my ex husbands tooth brush to clean the baseboards in my kitchen. He got sick 2 days later with a cold. He recovered quickly but I felt great thinking I had something to do with his misery. I then washed his toothbrush in the dishwasher to sanitize it. That time.
    .-= Martie´s last blog ..Making Up Is Hard To Do… =-.

  98. Your afternoon sounds a lot like my New Year’s Eve last night but without the acid to validate it. And you’re in the northern fricking hemesphere so your New Year’s Eve is still, like, days away. You’ve got *that* to look forward to. Fuck.

  100. Ha! I had a similar experience once where he thought I was not sick so I drove myself to the hospital in the middle of the night! I was SO THANKFUL to be able to say I had been diagnosed with a diseased gallbladder. I showed him!

  101. I have had this conversation. Verbatum I believe… and on multiple occasions. Then my mother decided she was sick of hearing my husband bitch, and she bought us forks. Like, 500 of them. I can’t even fit them all in my silverware drawer. But, I’m completely thankful because it keeps me from being bitched at for not starting the dishwasher. Or for that matter, even touching the dirty dishes. I’m lazy. And my mother is an enabler. I love her… A lot.

  102. Pingback: EuroBlogess » Blog Archive » This sounds like one of my con…

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It\'s like I\'m stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

Discover more from The Bloggess

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading