You know that guy who sings the “Baby Come Back” song? She should totally not come back. Because first the guy is all “Any kind of fool could see I was wrong” but then right after that he’s all “You can blame it all on me” like he’s being so fucking noble for letting her blame him but he just said he was wrong. OF COURSE WE’LL BLAME IT ALL IN YOU. YOU WERE WRONG, ASSHOLE. If he truly wanted to accept responsibility then instead of saying “You can blame it all on me” he’d sing “You and everyone you’ve ever met should blame it all on my stupidity” which totally rhymes just as well, except maybe it has too many syllables. But technically if he really wants to make amends that’s the kind of shit you have to do. You have to write songs with too many syllables. So basically what I’m saying is that I’d tell the girl that Hall & Oates was singing that song to back in the 70′s to not ever go back to him. And also to buy stock in Microsoft when it’s invented. And not to buy the Vanilla Ice CD when it comes out even though it’s really tempting at the time because you’re going to be totally mortified 10 years later when your boyfriend finds it in your closet.
These are things I’d tell anyone dating Hall & Oates in the 70′s.
PS. Victor says Hall & Oates didn’t sing that song and that Hall & Oates is actually two guys. And, supposedly I also got all the words wrong in that song and so now this whole post is pointless except to allow Victor to tell me how wrong I am and to be all “Really? Are you joking or are you being serious? Because you could not have screwed this up any more.” And then I scoured the internet to prove him wrong but the internet is broken. And by “broken” I mean “apparently written by Victor”. This whole thing was like an elaborate ruse to get me to admit that I’m wrong and to delete this post. Well, guess what? It’s not working.
PPS. If you came here googling “Didn’t Hall & Oates sing that Baby Come Back song?” then yes, they totally did. The internet just said so. In the form of me. Also, potato chips are good for you and surfing the internet cures childhood cancer. Feel free to use that however you like.
PPPS. Yes, I am aware of the irony of me not accepting responsibility for being wrong in a post yelling at someone who never actually wrote a song about not accepting responsibility which apparently only existed in my mind. Also, I’m aware that it’s a little pathetic that I’ve been carrying this anger around for the last 20 years. I blame myself Hall & Oates Victor.
PPPPS. Remember in my last post how I said that if 9 of you would buy a James Garfield xmas card I could justify buying him and Victor would maybe stop rolling his eyes every time he walks by James Garfield? Well, as of this moment James Garfield has sold a shit-ton cards. I’d give you a number but I’m bad with math. But a shit-ton = way more than 9. Which is awesome. And also totally overwhelming. I will be signing holiday cards until 2014. Also, Victor refuses to let me scream “I FUCKING TOLD YOU JAMES GARFIELD WAS THE 8TH WONDER OF THE WORLD” without pointing out how much of a “wonder” it is that James Garfield is making more money than I am. And then I’m all “It’s a wonder I don’t stab everyone in the face all the time”. Then Victor stops talking to me. I think I’m going to have to go back to therapy.
Comment of the day (from Jules): You totally need to go watch Yacht Rocks on YouTube immediately. It will give you the WHOLE Hall and Oates story. Plus it’s just awesome. And made by college students who eventually got famous people to be in them. Here’s the first one: