Let’s vow to never have 2009 again.

Tonight I’m sitting here at home reflecting on the success of my last year’s New Year’s Resolution, which was to never, ever come up with New Year’s Resolutions again.  It worked out well, if by “worked out well” you mean “failed to accomplish anything of value at all”.  Which I do.  So, yay me.

This New Year’s Eve I’ll be home with my family, thinking about all the people who bothered to put up a Christmas tree and who will spend all day tomorrow lugging decorations back into the attic and I’ll wonder “What is wrong with those people?”  Then I’ll tuck Hailey in bed and drink enough to dull the pain of my shoulder, which I’m fairly certain I dislocated trying to do the “new cough”.  FYI…the “old cough” is the normal one that’s totally worked fine for the last thousand years.  It’s the one where you cover your mouth with your hands when you cough.  The “new cough” is the one where you cough into the crook of your elbow because apparently that spreads less germs except when I try to “new cough” into my elbow I’m not actually flexible enough to do without pulling a muscle and then even when I do make it, my elbow isn’t big enough to contain my mouth so spit flies all over everyone nearby.   I’m honestly not even sure how the rest of the world is doing the new cough unless they all have arms like flying squirrels or possibly everyone is just fucking with me and I’m the only one actually doing it.  Also, I’m getting lipstick all over my sleeve and  I guess I’m not stretching enough before because now my shoulder is all sore like I have Polio.  Also, I might actually have Polio.  That’s the kind of year this has been.  The kind where you may or may not have Polio.  I guess what I’m trying to say here is can we go back to the “old cough” in 2010?  Because my shoulder hurts like hell.  Plus, when other people do the new cough I automatically think they’re raising their arm to backhand me and so I involuntarily flinch and raise my arm to hit them back and then everyone feels awkward.  Or maybe we can compromise and the “new-new cough” can be coughing down the inside of your shirt.  Which is kind of awesome because then your shirt becomes an automatic hanky and the lipstick stains will go inside the shirt so they’ll be less visible.  Plus, all the contagious germs stay on your boobs so if you get molested while you’re sick you’ll totally be able to identify your attacker later by his cough.  Or by his dislocated arm in case he doesn’t get the word about the “new-new cough”.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m pretty sure I have Polio.  And that I wish you a wonderful New Year.  Mostly the last part.

Happy New Year, my sweet friends.  I love you and your flying-squirrel elbows.

Comment of the day: Ok, absolutely true story of the new cough gone awry. Last night I’m at a Chinese restaurant–not that the cuisine type matters here–and this kid of about 9 or 10 does the new cough thing. Only instead he sneezed. Snot ALL over his sweater. He was at a table with his entire family, grandparents, whatever, and he was covered in snot. The entire table stopped eating and just stared at him. He looks at his mom and said, “I just did what they told us to in school!” and she said, “Yeah, ok, in the future, if you have a napkin RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU, sneeze into that.” Words to live by. ~ etain

137 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Bloggess, you are adorable and if you were at my house, I’d just hand you a tissue and let you cough however you wanted. Happy New Year!
    .-= Voix´s last blog ..Please go read this! =-.

  2. Maybe the new national health care will offer flying-squirrel elbow implants for free! Or at least, yanno, with a deductible.

    Thanks for being your regular amazing self this year, and for always putting a smile on my face. /schmoop
    .-= LiLu´s last blog ..Ringing in the New Year, Riot-Wine Style =-.

  3. My nephew got a new bike awhile back. He was very excited about it. I came over for a look-see. We played outside him riding in circles, showing me how he was SO good at riding his bike. I asked could I have a turn? (I weigh about 120lbs) He said, “Sure Auntie” so I got on the bike and rode it around some.
    Turns out bikes for 4 year olds are not meant to hold more then like, 65 lbs or so. The frame was all kinds of fucked up. My sister exchanged his bike for one with an undamaged frame.
    The next time I saw my nephew he asked me if I wanted to look ONLY at his new-new bike?
    And my point is that the new-new biked worked for our family. Why can’t the new-new cough?

  4. If you have polio, we’ll all decorate some pretty crutches for you and you can write about them. And maybe do a contest. I’m not saying I hope you do, I’m just saying we’ll all make the best of it. Because that’s what you’ve taught us to do. Which is why we love you so. Happy New Year!
    .-= juliejulie´s last blog ..My Costco, My Life =-.

  5. I agree. Let’s stop doing the “new cough” and go back to (or continue) coughing into our hand again, and instead of shaking those hands with others, we should also bow to one another. It’s a nicer gesture anyway. Happy New Year!

  6. My nephew does the new cough, modified. He puts his arm over his forehead and then coughs all over your face. I second bringing back the old cough.
    .-= Lindsey´s last blog ..Mind = Blown =-.

  7. Happy New Year! I will try to bring the new-new cough into fashion in my area of the world.
    .-= Awlbiste´s last blog ..awlbiste: @TemerityJane aw shit, typo in comment =-.

  8. The new cough blows. Sorry you pulled your shoulder. 10 years ago no one did the new cough and we weren’t as sick. Who invented the new cough anyway…stupid doctors and their degrees. Superior fucks. Soon we’ll be coughing into our knees -the new new cough- and we’ll be all, ‘hack hack, haaaackckkggghkkckch’ and just going to the doctor’s office because we’re hurt from being coughing-impaired. Hope worker’s comp cover’s the new new cough…
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..It’s Like My Eyeball’s Stuck on Replay =-.

  9. I hate the new cough. People brush up against walls. And they hug you.
    People are so gross.
    The new cough should be the one where you KEEP YOUR MOUTH CLOSED.
    .-= Bridget Callahan´s last blog ..Oh 2009, how very unaware I was of you, until it was too late. And then I didn’t care anymore. =-.

  10. You have made me laugh, cry and momentarily, confuse me. Sometimes in the same post. Happy New Year.

  11. I think the “no cough” is the way to go for 2010. Because now that we are all immune to the diseases currently making the rounds, those people will just not breathe when they need to cough.

    Yes, they might die. But the cold virus will die, too. It also means that on the Eve of a New Year, I came up with the cure for the common cold. You’re welcome, 2010.

    In the meantime, feel better, Bloggess.

  12. Happy New Year to you and your germy bewbies!!!!
    .-= Grey Street Girl´s last blog ..Fly Away Little Friend =-.

  13. Bridget, we posted simultaneously. We will take joint credit for the cure.

  14. This time around I’ve gone the rebel route. I just keep a tissue on hand. But at least it’s the fancy new anti-bacterial tissue, or sumthin. It’s fancy. This way I can cough like I’m used to but without the germy wet hand.
    .-= Dangerous Lilly´s last blog ..Lilly is Impatient =-.

  15. omg. thank you for covering this. i mostly just end up coughing somewhere between my hands, the place i have been coughing since i can remember coughing , and my arm now. both embarrassing and disgusting for all. so, i just tried coughing down my shirt and it works. also, it is comfortably warm & cozy. so i vote for the *new new* cough in 2010. can you put this on your official list of things work on? That would be awesome. Think of it as Public Service. You could make an official Announcement. Please?

  16. I just traveled with someone who happens to be married to a nurse. He had a cough throughout the trip and he impressed me with his mastery of the cough…but he has a personal trainer (nurse/wife). I’m just glad I didn’t catch whatever he had because I’m pretty sure I don’t have a handle on the new cough at all. And in China, if you can’t do the new cough you have to wear a face mask. Or if you’re with people who can’t do the new cough you have to wear a face mask. I wasn’t too keen on the face mask so it all worked out. And by that I mean, “Happy New Year!”
    .-= Fran´s last blog ..Bo’s Cafe – a Book Review =-.

  17. if you Polio your arms will be locked into crutches so you won’t be able to any of the cough variations. you’ll have to get one of those michael jackson face mask things. and those are super cool for 2010.

    happy new year. thanks for the laughs.
    .-= Simone´s last blog ..Television shows that will change your life =-.

  18. I’m so glad I’m not the only one having difficulty with the “new cough”!

    Happy New Year!
    .-= jo(e)´s last blog ..The weather outside is frightful =-.

  19. Consider yourself lucky. When they were voting on the new cough, “the crook of your arm” narrowly beat “a cat”.
    .-= Steve´s last blog ..#115 Libel =-.

  20. I just rolled three dozen meatballs with my hands, and then I washed them but didn’t use soap or wipe them off really, and now I’m using the keyboard, so it doesn’t matter who comes in contact with me when I’m coughing this year, my hands are spreading E.Coli and whatever the fuck else is all over everything in this apartment I don’t do a very good job of cleaning and then leave frequently to mingle with the general population. Moral: Worry less about coughing and more about the people who have meat hands and who blatantly disregard the rules of basic hygiene because they’re lazy and whatever.
    .-= emvandee´s last blog ..Winter minestrone. =-.

  21. Also, Happy New Year!
    .-= emvandee´s last blog ..Winter minestrone. =-.

  22. a super fabulously happy new year to you. may you be cough free, ridiculously healthly, wealthy and happy.

    I approve the new-new-cough. i have ginormous boobs & hiding germs in them would give purpose to hauling these back breakers around all day.

    cheers!

  23. (Ummm… This post is rated R for language and coughing. If this offends you, well… shit. I don’t know. Tough?)

    You know… Fuck the new cough. For thousands of years people have been hacking on each other and we got over it. Now we have to cough into our elbow. Fuck that. If somebody can’t cough into their hand, they’re perfectly welcome to cough into the crack of my ass.

    Personally, I’m willing to cover my mouth when I cough. But that’s it. If you roll your eyes or give me attitude, or tell me how we’re supposed to cough into our elbows, I’m not going to cover my mouth around you. In fact, I’m going to search you out when I feel the need to cough and then cough ON you. And then probably spit on you, to boot.

    If I have to be surrounded by stupid people and suffer their inane rants and wails, then they can just take a chance of touching something my coughed on hand touched (Oh noes!!!).

    — James Garfield read and approves of this post. He channeled part of it. —

  24. I can only pull off the new cough ’cause I’m super bendy. I like your idea of the new-new cough better, because I’m lazy and sneezing down my shirt is way easier than pulling my elbow across my face. I mean, really, I wear baggy shit anyway so all I really have to do is turn my head downward, it doesn’t get much more lazy-bum-friendly than that.

    I hope you have a wonderful New Year and that your polio gets better.

  25. polio? cool. cause if you have polio, you could get into one of those iron lung things and just think how you can milk that. just be sure to get one with the little rearview mirror attached (there’s a pretty good chance that’s the only kind of mirror you can get, considering the layout).

  26. The thing I don’t really understand about the New Cough is…how much are you actually spitting when you cough, anyway? Because if you’re really involving a lot of saliva while coughing…well, shouldn’t you just be at home in bed (or locked up in a hospital or something?).

    Also, I second the No New Year’s Resolutions plan.

    (I will admit to doing the New Cough, though, even though I find it confusing. So I guess all of my sleeves are gross and infected-y. Hmmm.)

    Happy New Year to you (and your polio)!!!
    .-= Miss B´s last blog ..Year’s End =-.

  27. Is the new cough like new math because if it is I had better sleep with my teacher now. If it isn’t please disregard and know that I was nothing but perfectly appropriate with all of my teachers. And their respective penises.

  28. Ok, absolutely true story of the new cough gone awry. Last night I’m at a Chinese restaurant–not that the cuisine type matters here–and this kid of about 9 or 10 does the new cough thing. Only instead he sneezed. Snot ALL over his sweater. He was at a table with his entire family, grandparents, whatever, and he was covered in snot. The entire table stopped eating and just stared at him. He looks at his mom and said, “I just did what they told us to in school!” and she said, “Yeah, ok, in the future, if you have a napkin RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU, sneeze into that.” Words to live by.
    .-= etain´s last blog ..Subs and Dungeons =-.

  29. Thanks for a great year of blogs, Jenny. I hope you get to feeling better soon!
    .-= SillyJaime´s last blog ..Oh. My. Goodness. Becky, look at her… =-.

  30. My son’s preschool teacher dubbed this–and so he calls it–the Vampire Cough. Totally makes sense, looks like Dracula holding up his cape in the old B&W movies. So anyway, now instead of being afraid of people backhanding you, you can worry that they’re about to drink your blood. Or watch you while you sleep. Or engage in bad CGI.
    .-= momtrolfreak´s last blog ..My Husband: Putting the "C0ck" in "Hancock Building" =-.

  31. I’m so impressed you bother to put on lipstick when you’re sick. I forget to wear lipstick when I’m dining with the king of prussia, or the spice girls, or whatever random celeb fate might thrust into my social calendar.
    .-= BugginWord´s last blog ..The Vibrator Play =-.

  32. If you hate the New Cough, you’ll REALLY HATE The New Sneeze.
    .-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..What Tender Days We Had No Secrets Hid Away, Now It Seems About 100 Years Ago =-.

  33. Hahahaha!!!To hell with the new cough and the new sneeze! Wait till you try the new and improved environmentally friendly fart!

  34. the new cough sucks. how are we supposed to build up an immunity to anything if people keep protecting us from their germs by coughing into elbows, down shirts or into tissues??! Virus free-for-all: it’s the only way we’ll survive.
    Now, please, save us all this New Year and cough it old school!

    (and happy New Year!)
    .-= jenn´s last blog ..obligatory year end post in which I look forward =-.

  35. Christina? Deal. Except I think I got the much better part of that deal. Like sharing the Nobel because I happened to be on the same research team.
    .-= Bridget Callahan´s last blog ..Oh 2009, how very unaware I was of you, until it was too late. And then I didn’t care anymore. =-.

  36. Happy New Year. I remember that dumb ol’ Ragu lunch at BlogHer and getting to hang out with you as one of the brightest spots of the year for me. Which says a lot about how crappy my year was, I suppose. (Not that you’re not totally awesome, just that the lunch was pretty mediocre all things considered.) Here’s to a fabulous 2010!
    .-= Lara´s last blog ..Forgot and Never Brought to Mind =-.

  37. Thank you, Jennifer, for bringing comic relief to my crappy 2009. I hope you can continue to entertain me in a much better 2010!

    Heather Rasmussen
    Salt Lake City, Utah
    .-= Heather Rasmussen´s last blog ..Cheers to the human spirit =-.

  38. Happy new year, Jenny. I’m so bloody glad 2009 is almost over.
    .-= Robynn´s last blog ..I Am Horrible. And I Suck. =-.

  39. Ah Jenny, your bloggessing skills have really brought my 2009 to a whole new level. Extreme! I dunno but anyway thanks for being silly on the internet so I can read it sometimes!
    .-= miss. chief´s last blog .. =-.

  40. Why don’t we just go back to coughing in our hands and bump high flying-squirrel elbows to say hi? Shaking hands is soooo 2009 anyways…..

  41. I think the new cough should be cough into your hand and then take that same hand and wipe it down the side of the person’s face standing next to you or in front of you or wherever. It could be called the “share the love cough.”

    If your polio gets so bad that you have to stay in an iron lung, can I sign your lung? You know, like one of those autograph dogs.

    And my New Year’s Resolution is to say the word Crap-Head as much as possible. It’s a great word, Crap-Head.

    Happy New Year and thanks for all the laughs this year! You did a great service to many, in such a dismal year.
    .-= joann mannix´s last blog ..Resolutions That Will Stick To Your Ribs Like Swallowed Gum =-.

  42. Happy New Year! I hope tonights medicine works!

    Shane
    .-= Calgarydaddy´s last blog ..2 Days Until Baby Due Date! =-.

  43. Happy new year darling… and I hope you don’t have polio… I mean what would a new decade be without your dry humor and bitching… I would be oh so bored!! Nothing to look forward to that makes me feel better about my horrible situations, than your “MORE” horrible situations… That made no sense, but whatever…. Love ya!!!
    .-= allison´s last blog ..Random… =-.

  44. Happy New year and try doing some warm-up stretches and callisthenics before each time you need to cough.
    .-= Swistle´s last blog ..Last Day of 2009 =-.

  45. Oh, thanks a lot spellcheck: it didn’t highlight calisthenics until AFTER I hit submit. It’s the new cough of spelling.
    .-= Swistle´s last blog ..Last Day of 2009 =-.

  46. Drink more whiskey, honey, peppermint mixed together and warmed up–you will cough less. Or so my Great Grandmother used to say (before she died an alcoholic–JK she was 101 when she died!)! Of course when you are passed out from whiskey you may not even cough…unless you cough while unconcious! Happy New Year. And happy NEW cough.
    .-= Martie´s last blog ..Making Up Is Hard To Do… =-.

  47. Happy New Year to you, too! Polio and all (didn’t you get that circle shot? Yah. Me either.)
    .-= Jessica´s last blog ..Courtyard Surprise =-.

  48. The new-new cough strategy of going down the front of your shirt works beautifully for sneezes too… unless, of course, you hock a loogie. Then you’ve got boogers in your bra.

    Merry New Year Blogging Goddess and may blessings be bestowed upon you and everyone you love in 2010!
    .-= Aria’z Ink´s last blog ..Facebook and Universal Timing =-.

  49. I just found out last week that those crazy kids are calling the new cough/sneeze “the Vampire Cough/Sneeze,” further proof that Twilight will be the death of us all. First sparkly vampires, now snotty, infested arms – when will the madness end?

  50. I totally cough down my shirt… I also pull up the shirt to cover a sneak attack sneeze. Been doing it for years. The Huzband thinks it hysterical and says “good catch”. My boobs are WAY more contagious than yours.
    .-= Stitch´s last blog ..When This You See Remember Me =-.

  51. I love you, Jenny. I hope 2010 is completely amazing for (and to!) you.

  52. 52
    AnotherMom from long, long, ago

    I was all so fine with the new cough, or the old one, or whatever, until I looked up Wikipedia for polio and found the description as: “an acute viral infectious disease spread from person to person, primarily via the fecal-oral route.”….so I’m thinking coughing into your boob should probably protect you. And yes, I’m nerdy like that. I Wiki everything. But, seriously, Jenny, please don’t letting that whole fecal-oral route happen, really, that would just be gross. Gawd I really hope it’s not polio, for your sake, and Victor’s and Hailey’s. Really, Jenny? Polio? ok, ew.

  53. yeah, I do the down the shirt thing.. Have for years. I do change it up with the elbow thing sometimes. When all else fails, I’ve got a small bottle of hand sanitizer in my purse.

  54. I am TOTALLY all about the down-your-shirt cough. I knew there was a reason I read your blog. You’re my coughing twin.
    .-= Caroline´s last blog ..Thursday Wake up Tactic =-.

  55. Maybe the new cough is giving you problems because your arms are really short? Or your muscles are all tightened up and you can’t flex as much? I think that’s a sign of Polio. It sounds like a cyclical problem.

  56. My kids do the “New Cough.” They’re indoctrinating our children and teaching them at school the “New Cough” and the “Proper Way to Wash Your Hands.” People didn’t used to get sick before they knew how to do these things. I think it’s a Doctor’s conspiracy to keep them all in business.
    .-= Donna Hansen´s last blog ..New Christmas Stockings =-.

  57. or you could screw it all and just cough on eveyone…

    just stumbled on your blog. love it. happy new year!
    .-= Tiffany´s last blog ..Love & All the rest =-.

  58. I am all for the cleavage cough.

    The H1N1 just became the H1N136C
    .-= William´s last blog ..Priceless =-.

  59. Wow, that new cough thing has really fucked you up. Actually, it was hard getting everybody together, but it is a joke and no one is doing it but you. Sorry about the shoulder. I think I may be getting ALS or MS, but I didn’t think about the polio thing. Do your nerves twitch with polio?

  60. and Happy New Year! I’m really glad I found your blog, you always make me laugh.

  61. haven’t you heard? polio is the new black. you are so ahead of your time. happy new year, bloggess!

  62. Happy New Year! I hope it is incredibly wonderful for you and your family. If half the smiles you bring to us are returned to you, it will be a joyful year!

  63. You obviously don’t teach in a classroom full of small germ-ridden children with horrendous hygiene if you aren’t on board with the new cough cover. Watch a bunch of small tikes pick their noses, wipe their snotty faces onto their sleeves, and cough into their hands all day, and your hypochondria will reach unprecedented levels. Mine did.

    I suggest you use your other (less broken) arm.
    .-= Theresa Milstein´s last blog ..Battle for Fiction =-.

  64. We actually are fucking with you. We had a big meeting. “Let’s tell Jenny about this NEW cough and see if she does it! Won’t that be hilarious? Next on the agenda is James Garfield. Is she serious about this?” Happy New Year Jenny.
    .-= Kerrie´s last blog ..Year End Close Out! Everything Must Go! =-.

  65. My mom had polio when she was nine. Although she spent nearly a year in the hospital, she got a lot of presents. Simple math tells me that presents = awesome, thus polio also = awesome.
    .-= Erin´s last blog ..Ten Before Twenty-Ten =-.

  66. Apparently I am ahead of the curve cuz I have been doing the new-new cough for years… I would rather cough into my own shirt than my elbow… I mean that spreads the germs to your shirt then you bump into someone online at Wal-Mart and then they put their faces into thier elbows and get your germs all in their faces… sounds like a conspiracy by the OTC medicine makers to make us all sick so they can sell us more drugs… which is only OK if it is the makers of Nyquil Slushies,,, which should so be a real medicine…
    So you use the new-new cough and I will too, that way when everyone else gets the palque and dies, you and I will RULE THE WORLD… or something like that.
    Happy New Year… 1 hour 30 minutes to go for 2009… thank god!
    .-= Dawn´s last blog ..Why am I thinking up New Year Resolutions I know I will never keep when I could be eating a big slice of pie? =-.

  67. also seems I have had a fuzzy navel or 5 too many and have some typos that I did not catch… thought I had gotten them all in the above post- guess not… my bad, fuzzy navels good.
    .-= Dawn´s last blog ..Why am I thinking up New Year Resolutions I know I will never keep when I could be eating a big slice of pie? =-.

  68. I am certain that you don’t have polio. You don’t cough with polio. I saw a movie about FDR once. He was a president back in the Greatest Generation and he ruled 12 years. Republicans still cower and cross themselves when they hear his name. Anyway, he had polio. I didn’t see him cough at all.

    You could have TB. Verdi gave it to all his operatic sopranos and they coughed themselves to death on stage. I was that in Pretty Woman and in Moonstruck. TB though means they will quarantine you. I don’t think they’ll let you bring the pig head thing. I hope Victor doesn’t sell in on eBay while you are away. It could be years. Coughing into your elbow is a good idea if you’ve got this.

    Of course, the lesson in this is that you need to watch more movies or you’ll never be able to competently self-diagnose yourself well enough to use Google to find a cure.
    .-= annie´s last blog ..Flying into the United States =-.

  69. I’m not resolving anything either (resoluting, resolutioning?). Good Riddance to 2009, I say! And the new cough is ridiculous. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mv2AeGZ7mVA
    .-= melistress´s last blog ..Ringing in 2010 With a Side of Proroguies =-.

  70. Maybe it’s me but every time I stop by your blog there are 69 comments.
    .-= Pauline´s last blog ..History: Superstitious To The End =-.

  71. Since it’s been 2010 here for nearly a day already, I can tell you that it looks like being a good one, so just go with the old cough, it’s not going to matter.

    I love your brilliant blog and I’m looking forward to whatever you give us this year. Happy, happy New Year, and just keep doing what you’re so good at.
    .-= Pam´s last blog ..It was a good one (for me) =-.

  72. Happy New Year to yon & Victor & James Garfield & your human kid.
    .-= Ed Adams´s last blog ..My Truck is a DINOSAUR…….RRAAWWWRRRR!!! =-.

  73. Happy New Year! I wish you and your family every blessing!
    .-= Cynthia Yockey, A Conservative Lesbian´s last blog ..Comice pears — the supreme pear is now in season =-.

  74. I’m pretty sure the new-new-cough is the one most people will prefer, because all the guys will think they’re about to get a free show. Or they will enjoy you checking out your own boobs.

    Happy New Year!
    .-= a´s last blog ..Visiting the past =-.

  75. I’ve been coughing and sneezing in my shirt for years. I don’t understand why it hasn’t caught on…

    Oh, yeah. Well there is that…
    .-= tokenblogger´s last blog ..My nephew is here… =-.

  76. I’ve spent my life in the field of comedy. So when I tell you that you’re one of the most original voices I’ve heard in the last 23 (really 24 but it’s hard to admit that) years, I mean it. You’re so funny that I spend my time reading you and wishing I had written just a fourth (maybe three-fourths but it’s hard to admit that) of what goes through your brain.

    Jenny, I wish you the most success a polio ridden person can have in this day and age.
    .-= Suzy´s last blog ..We Have A Winner In The Guess The Amount Of The ER Bill Contest =-.

  77. That rocks as usual.
    I’m sending it to my mom even though she’s really, really old and probably shouldn’t laugh at this shit, she totally will which makes her awesome. Plus, she hates this last year and needs a laugh. Unless the laughing makes her cough since she’s so old and she smoked for so long and then she’ll do the new cough and sue me for dislocating her shoulder. Or giving her polio.

  78. 2009? What is that?

    See how I did that? It like NEVER HAPPENED.

    I am magic like that. You are welcome and Happy New Year

  79. 2009 seems to have been a bad year for everyone, all-in-all! Here’s to a much more happier, more prosperous and altogether better 2010!

    *raises imaginary glass in imaginary toast*
    .-= Dudge OH´s last blog ..DudgeOH: Is it me, or has 2009 been, all-in-all, a s**t year?! Seems like everyone is saying so, on their tweets, blogs and status messages… =-.

  80. Fuck 09 and new cough and people who cough and people who blog about coughing and people who respond to blogs about coughing. Fuckers

    Happy New Year. Really, I mean that. I do. Now I feel all awkward because after going on about how sincere I am, it looks as if I am trying to hard. But seriously. Best to you in 2010. And I really do mean THAT.
    .-= magda´s last blog ..Happy New Year =-.

  81. I just heard my 16 month old coughing in his crib. He is not a fucker though.
    .-= magda´s last blog ..Happy New Year =-.

  82. I just tried to do the new cough and I think I have polio in my neck now.*sigh* So I am going to try the new new cough instead so I will just have germy boobs and a soggy bra instead. Yay me.
    .-= frogponsdrock´s last blog ..May all your mirrors be magic. =-.

  83. Happy new year!

    i hope that this new year will hold some wonderful things to all of us.
    .-= Palabuzz´s last blog ..Tiger Woods Loosing another Sponsor =-.

  84. I think we should have a new vaccine for “new cough shoulder.” I’ll alert the authorities…
    I loved reading your posts in 2009 – can’t wait to see what happens in 2010!
    .-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..I resolve to stop cleaning =-.

  85. My husband says it might be poliosis. Which is way worse than polio. You should be quarantined. I also want to be quarantined because that means I don’t have to leave my house and nobody else is allowed in. I don’t know how I’d know the difference, though, because that’s what I do anyway.
    .-= Lori´s last blog ..I’m Only A Grinch Till I Get Stuff =-.

  86. Happy New Year! Thank you for not spreading polio. I appreciate as do most other Americans.

  87. Happy New Year you wild woman of Texas! I look forward to 2010 and James Garfield’s new fashion trends.
    .-= Jenn´s last blog ..Bring It On! =-.

  88. I have spider-monkey arms so the new cough is a cake-walk for me but every time I see someone else doing it I can’t help but wonder if the aren’t just trying to check to see if their deodorant has worn off.
    .-= Michelle´s last blog ..GAS =-.

  89. My Mom had polio.
    (long awkward pause)
    I am tired of getting gobs of phlegm on the sleeves of expensive sweaters.
    And Mom would have thought your post was funny.
    .-= TheQueen´s last blog ..Festive! =-.

  90. Well it’s a damned good thing you aren’t a Square Dancer! Square Dancers aren’t allowed to do the “New Cough” because they’re sure to spread colds every time they swing their partner.
    And just think if Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz had a cold and had to do the “New Cough”. The minute they were “Off to See The Wizard” for a cure for the common cold, they’d be spreading it by locking arms!
    Yuck!

    However, whatever cold meds you are taking, are doing wonders to keep your sense of humour at above par!
    .-= Aunt EVolity´s last blog ..Red Leather =-.

  91. 92
    doug richardson

    In return for all the yuks you’ve provided, you may slobber all over me any time you feel the need.

    Cheers.

  92. Happy New Year!!! I resolve to not even acknowledge 2009. … ;) Cheers!
    .-= Jennifer´s last blog ..IT’S FRIDAY!! Watch the products you market in 2010! =-.

  93. You cough into the crook of your elbow?

    Why cough on him? Wouldn’t you rather just ask him for your elbow back?
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Dear 2009, Don’t Let the Door Hit You on the Way Out =-.

  94. The new cough is just an elitist construct designed to make the rest of us look bad. And let me tell you, it’s totally working. Thank you for many hours of entertainment in 2009, my dear Bloggess. All the best in 2010.
    .-= Mark´s last blog ..Documenting the Decade =-.

  95. Personally I think that resolutions suck big hairy donkey balls. Resolutions remind me of an ex-douchebag of mine who was constantly pointing out what was wrong with me…as if there is ANYTHING wrong with me!

    I was wondering do you get percocet with polio because I really enjoy spending New Years Day rocked off my ass but this year all we have are sedatives for my dog who just had an $800,000 knee surgery and I am not so sure about dabbling in dog meds.
    .-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..Its My Party and I’ll Get Drunk and Cry if I Want To. =-.

  96. 97
    Mindy (one you don't know...not the one you know)

    Is this where you hang out when you’re sober?
    I’ve been wondering….

  97. 98
    Apryl'sAntics

    The new cough also has an ugly sister: the new sneeze. They should make elbow covers like those lint rollers where you can just pull off the first layer and have a new layer underneath. Why am I not a millionaire, yet?

  98. Happy New Year!

  99. It’s 2010 and I don’t have flying squirrel arms or polio. FML.

  100. I’ll admit it, I do the new cough. But I would rather have polio then try to sneeze that way! I don’t mind doing laundry, as long as it isn’t covered in boogers and snot. Feel better
    .-= Marie´s last blog ..My first Muslim =-.

  101. I’m with the no cough brigade. Let’s just all not cough anymore. Ever. No more lung butter ending up in the crook of your elbow when you’re really really sick (or on your boob if you’re a “new new cough” participant).

    I’m a stage 5 fanatic of this plan.

    Also, Happy New Year! Can’t wait to see what words you make up this year or where you happen to travel. Get well soon!
    .-= Kallay´s last blog ..What a Decade! What a Year! =-.

  102. My kids do the “new” cough. It’s more wrist action with them, and less crook of the arm action. Maybe they are just learning it wrong though…our public schools here are pretty shitty. If only I could homeschool, then they too could have flying squirrel polio and I could finally catch the opossum (Blossom the opossum) that eats the cat food.

  103. HAPPY NEW YEAR! Good riddance to 2009, and don’t let the door hit you in the ass! I by the way can’t do the new cough because I’m pretty sure I have cancer of the elbow, it’s sore and won’t bend, rather that than old age.

  104. Happy New Year, Jenny.
    .-= Kyla´s last blog ..2009, the year that rocked. =-.

  105. Wait, you’re supposed to cover your mouth when you cough? Oops.

    Happy New Year, Polio Lady!
    .-= Mr Farty´s last blog ..Snow, Snow, Thick Thick Snow =-.

  106. hope you get feeling better and have a great new year
    .-= lorrie´s last blog ..Staring out 2010 clutter free =-.

  107. That “new-new cough” shit is the smartest fucking thing i’ve ever heard. Shitty part is that my boobs are so damn small my disease would probably fly right past and land on my gut, and molesters dont usually have belly jiggling fetishes, do they? So my molester would never be found. Or i probably wouldnt be molested anyways since they just hate fat girls…The fuck? Now i cant even get any from a molester. You’ve ruined my whole year already, just so you know.

  108. i am with you, sister, on the crippled shoulder thing. In my case it’s because my doctor tried to kill me by giving me several vaccines at once. Is it normal to lose the feeling in your arm after a vaccine? I’m pretty sure I’m going to lose my right arm and I never even said “I’d give my right arm to never have pneumonia again”…
    .-= Leigh´s last blog ..angels =-.

  109. Dude, I can’t believe you’re showing off about your slender elbows. What about those of us who look like we’re wearing rollerblading pads 24/7, huh? We can’t help it if we’re not sylphlike.

    [Oh, great. I just spit on my new Christmas sweater. So this is how it's gonna be, eh, 2010?]

    Anyway, Happy New Year.

    XO

    A.
    .-= Anna Lefler´s last blog ..We’re Saying Shine To 2009. =-.

  110. I seem to remember a few months before the new-cough became all the rage I read an article by Miss Manners (I like to laugh at them… not try to be more proper) and someone was asking her about how to handle someone at work who corrected him with instructions on the new cough saying it would spread less germs. Her recommendation was to ignore this person reasoning that if germs are the problem it is much easier to wash your hands than to remove your shirt at work to wash the germs away from the sleeve. She concluded that the best option would be to just carry a tissue. — Your new-new cough sounds like the best option when you can’t get to a tissue in time. Anyone sticking their hands down my shirt deserves the germs or probably already has them anyway.

  111. I am wishing you also a Lovely and Polio-free New Year, Jen, and all your wonderful commenters the same.

    As far as that coughing thing goes, I believe that a handsome goalie mask, like the one Jason wears in all his movies about teen love gone wrong, might become the New Fashion and Hygiene Accessory for 2010. Maybe not.

    Actually, now that I think about it, the Health Burka is a viable concept . . . . damn.

  112. We actually made a co-worker wear one of those surgeon masks at work when he was hacking a lung non-stop. Maybe you need to start making personalized face masks like that…we could bedazzle the crap out of em. People will buy anything that’s personalized and bedazzled.

    Happy New Year to you and yours and James Garfield!
    .-= Rhea´s last blog ..Doggy Latte =-.

  113. I bite my nails, which I’m told is even more disgusting and filthy than the old cough. So I probably have Polio too. Awesome.
    .-= Nicole The Intern´s last blog ..google maps, frosting, and oh yeah i have an apartment in san francisco and it’s so cute and and and fuck me i love the universe =-.

  114. Happy New Year to you, too! – from one of those dummies busy taking the tree down, with dried out needles littering the floor and attacking our feet. You’re absolutely right. What WAS I thinking?
    .-= Jane´s last blog ..It’s Award Time – Lemon Scented And Sprinkled With Sugar! =-.

  115. FYI the new-new cough…leads to titty-cheese!
    Do NOT ask!

  116. Happy New Year to you, too, Bloggess.

    ~EdT.
    .-= EdT.´s last blog ..Reexamining my faith: When Stuff Happens =-.

  117. I old-coughed the other day in front of one of my students. He immediately tried to correct me by showing me the “new-cough.” I immediately thought about punching him the face. Oops.
    .-= LittleMissEnglishTeacher´s last blog ..Resolutions =-.

  118. Maybe the new new NEW cough could be coughing into the back of your knee. Just think, 2010 could be the year of increased flexibility, and some really strange looks.
    .-= statia´s last blog ..Attempting. =-.

  119. Happy New Year. Thanks for all the laughs. Sounds like it’s time for me to break out the old Iron Lung.
    .-= Kelly Duffy´s last blog ..The Great Interview Experiment =-.

  120. THey’re calling that new sneeze the “Dracula Sneeze” because you’re sneezing as if you’re Dracula hiding behind your cape.

  121. So I’ve been sick for a week now and have totally been using the “new cough”. I’m not as limber as I used to be and I also recently have spent way too much time playing Wii so my *good* arm is sore. Needless to say, the “new cough” is challenging and at times I’ve had muscle spasms and accidentally punched myself in the face while trying the move. It’s totally overrated as far as I can tell.
    .-= Stephanie L´s last blog ..ASL =-.

  122. Dear Jenny,

    If Nicole and I get married will you be my mother in law? She says you’d have to adopt her but I’d like her mom to stick around too, she seems pretty awesome. Anyway let me know, I’ll be at the jeweler’s tomorrow.

    Love,
    your favorite honorary-if-not-quite-official-son-in-law

    (see how I just declared myself your son in law? Nicole and I have so much awesome in common.)

  123. i didn’t even know about the new cough. where was i, under my rock? yeah, probably.
    this year i want to be on top of it.

    this is the first time reading you even though i know you’re popular and i like the way you write!
    .-= floreta´s last blog ..An Interview With the Panda =-.

  124. I tried finding you on Facebook and I ended up finding this women named “Thel Boggess” who doesn’t look or act like you at all. So if you’re on Facebook, let me know please. Also, I want you to meet my friend, Thel Boggess.
    .-= Ryan Kiefer´s last blog ..The thanksgiving cake is GONE =-.

  125. Also, James Garfield needs his own Facebook page. Maybe even two. Because he’s that awesome.
    .-= Ryan Kiefer´s last blog ..The thanksgiving cake is GONE =-.

  126. PS. I nominated you for an award. Stop by -a-
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..New Year’s Award =-.

  127. See, this is why I need to have a baby. Every time I needed to cough or sneeze, I would just say “Ooh, you are so cute!” and bury my face in its tummy for zerberts. Everybody would be so focused on thinking what a doting mother I was, they wouldn’t notice the jerking convulsions of my body as I cough-zerberted into his tummy.

    Babies love zerberts.

  128. ok I’ll say it. What the F is polio anyway? How the hell do you really know what it is? Polio was around when girls wore like bonnets. You don’t have it. Cured.

  129. Yeah, 2009 can fuck right off. Finding your blog was one of the rare highlights though.

  130. So…either my little brother reads your blog (which might be a little weird since he’s 9) or you guys are eerily in-sync. All week he’s been telling me how this coughing into your elbow is crappy and soon we’ll be coughing into our shirts.

    You guys might have a good idea there.
    .-= Cass´s last blog ..Happy Christmas…and extended weekend. =-.

  131. Cough into your crotch. The mucous may require creative explanation though…

  132. Happy New Year! I cough into other people’s elbow pits. That way it doesn’t get on me at all. Spitting on yourself is gross and not very classy.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..There. I said it. Someone had to do it. =-.

  133. Kids are being taught this new cough in school. It Does Not Work. I mean the not spreading of germs doesn’t work. Because now, instead of being able to wash the kids hands repeatedly throughout the day and getting rid of germs, the germs and buggers are now stored in the crook of the kids elbows. On their clothes. And it’s not just the cough. It’s the sneeze too. My daughter comes home with crunchy elbow crooks every day from sneezing her buggers all over her sleeve. It’s horrendous and we need to retaliate against whoever decided to start this new germ spreading nightmare.

    Happy New Year!
    .-= becca´s last blog ..The Bright Side =-.

  134. just discovered and fell in love with you. you seriously crack me up. love your posts and your tags. ps: i have a husband, child, and a pug too. people who know me shouldn’t read my shit either, but i aspire to be as brave as you someday.

  135. 137
    Shirls2010

    This is the best laugh I’ve had this year. The new cough hasn’t hit Africa yet – is it real? Just discovered I can’t get near my elbow. It’s either boobs or yoga, I guess.

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