What’s really sad is that this isn’t a joke at all and that my mom actually was subjected to all of these emails

in I'm an idiot, Just sad, mixing medications, Random Crap, Sometimes I get Top Gun and real life confused in my head

A series of inappropriate emails I sent to my mother which she has not responded to at all.

(This is all totally true, by the way.  That’s what makes it so very awful.  FYI: Lisa is my sister.  Gabi is my niece.  My mother is a saint.)

To: Mom

Sent: 2:02pm

Weird. I can’t even get my cat to wear a condom.


~me

**************************************************************************

To: Mom

Sent: 2:04pm

Crap! I meant “sweater“.  I can’t even get my cat to wear a SWEATER. Why did I say “condom”? What is wrong with me?

Pretend Lisa sent this.

~me

****************************************************************************

To: Mom

Sent: 2:10pm

Also, I just remembered that you said your computer won’t play videos so this whole thing is pointless.  Just trust me that the video was adorable and didn’t have anything to do with cat sex at all.

~still me

****************************************************************************

To: Mom

Sent: 2:12pm

OR ANY TYPE OF SEX.  It’s a video of a kitty getting wrapped up in Christmas paper.  OHMYGOD! SHUT UP, ME.

~ugh

*****************************************************************************

To: Mom

Sent: 2:15pm

Hi.  I apologize for being your daughter.  But really you brought this on yourself.

~ me Lisa

*****************************************************************************


To: Mom, Lisa

Sent: 2:22pm

Hi mom!

You’re going to see a bunch of emails from me in your inbox but you shouldn’t read them because they’re all infected with a terrible virus.  Which I got from Lisa.  You should really just avoid her and also any emails from her.  She’s not with you right now, is she?  Because if she is you should push her down.

~me

PS.  I found Gabi’s jacket in my car but now I’ve lost it again.  I need Lisa’s address in case I find it again.  Oh hang on, I’ll just CC Lisa on this so she can tell me.  Duh.

******************************************************************************

To: Mom, Lisa

Sent: 2:26pm

Oh.  I have made a horrible mistake.

You both should not open the emails from me in your inbox.  They are infected with a virus.  Which I got from daddy.

I love you both very, very much.

~me

PS. Lisa ~ What’s your address?  I may or may not have something to send to you but if you don’t get anything it’s your mailman’s fault and totally not mine.  You have a terrible mailman.

*******************************************************************************

So far?  No response.  Except for my sister who simply responded “You are an idiot“.  Hard to argue with that.

Comment of the day: I just sent my mom a picture of a house in Ohio where we spent 2,475 days growing up. She wrote me back and said, “Oh look, it’s that house in the Hamptons we spent the afternoon at.” ~ Suzy

121 thoughts on “What’s really sad is that this isn’t a joke at all and that my mom actually was subjected to all of these emails”

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  8. my family just yells at each other. this is way more fun. please ass me to (oops i meant add…. i’ll leave that one to your imagination) the list of people to random email. xoxo

  11. My sister would do that, though she would probably be drunk! Wait…

    Anyway, Lisa doesn’t know what she has! Though I suspect your mother does. Know what Lisa has.

  12. I have the oppostie problem. My dad has just become proficient at emailing in the last couple of years and for some reason old people (or maybe it’s just his friends..) really, really, really, REALLY like to send horrible forwards that no one wants to read. However, he seems to think that I will be interested in reading them. I’m not, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’ll open my inbox to find 32 messages from him, 2 from an old friend telling me about MaryKay deals even though her and I haven’t talked in years, and 1 telling me how to enhance the size of the penis I don’t have.

  14. Of the many things there are to laugh at in this video for some reason it’s the wrapping of the tail that has me in seizures on the floor. Am not sure how I’m even able to type this, fortunately one set of toes is still functioning.
    .-= Stephanie Smirnov´s last blog ..Outgrowing Star Wars =-.

  16. this is why people “don’t have email.” which really? you don’t have email. weird. one time i texted my brother and sister from my mother’s phone saying that i was, in fact, her favorite. she’s sixty four, she doesn’t text but i got those fuckers good. then my mother panicked because “I DON’T EVEN HAVE TEXTS ON MY PHONE!!!” that really didn’t work because she does and she did and i’m her favorite, the end.

  17. That is brilliant! Why haven’t I thought of the whole “virus” and/or sent by someone “else” thing when I send a screwed up email?

    I blame the public education system. Or Al Gore for inventing the internet. Either way.

    This comment is totally screwed up now. I’m pretty sure it was written by a chimp.

    Pete Bubbles
    .-= Pete´s last blog ..Khmer a Minute =-.

  19. ha ha ha!! I’m glad ‘Cat’ recycles…..next video with her in a protest against thrown out Chrstmas paper w/ paw/ arm up…..”SAVE THE PAPER…SAVE THE PAPER!!!” and maybe burning gift bags b/c ‘Cat’ is confused about how to save the RainForest…..GiftBags are still paper….
    Cooks Chamapagne: no say more stupid shit
    Me: I know that made no sense but I am going to stop there….
    Cooks: Pussy
    Me: we will pick this up later
    .-= NinjaDragonFly´s last blog ..Dallas Cowgirls/ Boys…… =-.

  22. I’d send my mom emails, but she’d just call me and ask me to walk her through *exactly* how to check her mail. At least your mom’s not a luddite!

  23. I just sent my mom a picture of a house in Ohio where we spent 2,475 days growing up. She wrote me back and said, “Oh look, it’s that house in the Hamptons we spent the afternoon at.”
    .-= Suzy´s last blog ..The Shorty Awards =-.

  25. OMG! Can your post emails between you and Victor. Better yet can you write a book about everything. You crack me up. I also like reading the comments people leave you. Its like we are all on the same page. Sorry I took lots of ativan tonight so I better stop now. Bye

  26. I would love to receive email from my Mother. Unfortunately she’s too “challenged” to get my email correct. In the past, she has gotten gmail and blogspot confused, therefore sending all email to my gspot account that I don’t have.

    Yes, that is a true story.

  27. I was going to make some joke about the emails starting with a condom and ending with getting a virus from your father, but then I realized that I just couldn’t make incest and questionable sexual abuse funny. Well, I could, but I would be ashamed of myself. Well, not necessarily ashamed of the joke, because the ones I thought of were pretty funny, and I would only be ashamed of them if they weren’t funny, but slightly embarrassed, way later on, when I realized that it was probably inappropriate and nobody else thought that they were funny. Mostly not the inappropriate part, though. And now I am not funny in paragraph form. FML.

    What? I didn’t say anything. That was her. I was too busy trying to figure out how I could be Neil Gaiman and Amanda Palmer’s wife. Apparently, a position is open. Yum.
    .-= Rachel´s last blog ..heiferness: Why isn’t there a Dr Pepper and ice cream delivery service? =-.

  29. Ok, I kind of wish someone would send me emails like that because all I get lately are random spam. I also think you’re sister really meant, “you are awesome.” Lets just go with that.

    Oh, and I loved that video! Seriously awesome cat. All yours does is sit on your head. You should totally wrap your cat in Easter bunny paper (Christmas has already been done) and then let it sit on your head. That way you can top that video. Your intern should totally get on this. You’re welcome.
    .-= LB @Wait, She Said What?´s last blog ..Moronic Monday – Riot shields are meant for riots, not sledding down a hill, you Bobbies! =-.

  30. That cat looks exactly like my cat, who had to be given to my Ex’s mom when she went psychotic ninja on my kid when she was like, just learning to walk and tried to sever her achilles tendons. And her son, my ex’s brother is just weird enough that he might wrap up a cat in wrapping paper. And youtube it. Except instead of traditional Christmas music, he would have had some traditional Chinese music because in addition to just being a cat-wrapper-upper sort, he’s also become Chinese since 2001. And he was here at Christmas time, from China, so it totally could have been him.

    Which is what I hope my ex and his mom’ll understand when they hear the voicemail I left them, accusing their family member of being a dirty cat-wrapper.
    .-= Zoeyjane´s last blog ..On moving on up, part 2 =-.

  32. I have the reverse problem, those emails would be coming from my mother, which is why I’m not allowed to write about her anymore on my blog.

  35. I am fairly sure that my cat wouldn’t stand to be wrapped. In paper, a condom or a sweater (is a sweater a jumper? I’m always confused by that) without freaking the fuck out and murdering me.

    Actually, my cat looks at me like he wants to murder me all the time. It’s a little creepy. I think he’s in cahoots with the baby. I mean, the baby likes to snuffle in his fur, how I am to know that they aren’t plotting my demise?
    .-= Veronica´s last blog ..Weeding =-.

  37. I like sending my mother email from random accounts with specific information I know about her saying that I’m from Nigeria and will give her “the sum of $10m dollars US trusted benevolent euros” if she’ll give me access to her bank accounts or else the puppy gets it!

    Sure it’s mean, but so far I’ve paid for two years of my kids’ college tuition out of it.
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Family Circus and the Day I Got My Ass Sued =-.

  38. My mom would love to get emails. Unfortunately she still lives with my dad, who refuses to have a computer that’s “hooked up” to the internet, cause then “they’ll get in”. I keep telling him for $29.95 anyone can find out anything about him, but he refuses to believe it.

    Then he comes over to my house and tells me what to look up for him on the computer.

    Cause it’s okay if “they” get in over here.
    .-= CaroleM´s last blog ..Day 187/365 A Deal With the Devil =-.

  39. I send similar type emails to my Mom but she actually responds with her own nonsense which will keep us going and giggling for hours. Also? I know a cat around here that is going to be wrapped up in something if he doesn’t stop growling at the other cat that is “looking at him.” Actually, I think that cat plans on killing all of us when we sleep. I already woke up once to him on my chest staring at my mouth. He took some of my breath, I just know it!
    .-= Dani´s last blog ..My Name is Dani and I Must Kick Your Car. Its a Problem =-.

  40. I’ve been trying for decades to get my daughter to say, “I apologize for being your daughter.” So, how do I forward this email to her?

  42. That right there, sadly, is my typical day of what I say outloud. The other day my boss comes in to my office, which I share with some other ladies that won’t let me live this down, ever. And he looks all coifed and I say – “hey did you get a hair cut or something?” him: “no just took a shower” me: “well it looks good on you, keep it up!”

  44. Am I the only one worried that the words ‘condom’ and ‘sweater’ appear to be interchangable in your mind? I’m not a psychiatrist or anything, but…

  46. You know that strange filter that you have if you’re a teacher and you know you can’t curse in front of your students even though you swear like a sailor? Oh wait- you’re probably not a teacher. Anyway, THANK GOD I have one of those filters. So far in 15 years of teaching I haven’t sweared in front of my students. Except that one time when one of my first graders dropped a heavy chair square on my big toenail. I said “SHIT” out loud and then ran/ hobbled out into the hallway to cry and vomit. And then two days later I lost my toenail.

    Well somehow that filter has carried over to sending fucked up stuff to my mom on the internet. Again, THANK GOD. Because I really really want to.

  47. I’ve had email conversations like that with my husband. I mean not about cat sex or kitty condoms but just rambling one after another emails from me to him. I guess they weren’t really email conversations… he didn’t respond either. It’s so aggravating when people we love have more sense than us, isn’t it??
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..Well, I woke up this morning… =-.

  49. too funny… If I could have a cat, I’d call it “slippers” I can’t explain why, except to say that it wouldn’t be wearing them… But, I can’t have a cat, I’m seriously allergic to them.. which would mean that I couldn’t have slippers made out of soft kitty fur.. DAMN! I wasn’t supposed to say that..
    no kitties were harmed in the writing of this comment… or ever… I was talking about weaving shed kitty fur into yarn .. oh I’m going to shut up now..
    .-= Monica´s last blog ..Christmas: The AFTERMATH =-.

  50. That cat had to have been drugged. It’s a big problem here in NYC. Kitties go out to bars, get drinks from strangers, then end up wrapped in holiday paper. *shudder*

  55. Your emails are awesome. E-mails my family send me usually include a pasted-up list of jokes or LOLcat-like images that they find funny and pass around until it reads FWD:FWD:FWD:RE:RE:FWD:HILARIOUS CATS! I always somehow resist the temptation to tell them that there’s another place they can find collections of jokes and pictures and just share the links, called the INTERNETS.
    .-= Vicki´s last blog ..Riding a horse is like blogging, except you can’t become a parapalegic if you blog =-.

  56. I want you to adopt me. Or maybe your mom. Wait. I don’t want you to adopt your mom. That’s redundant. I think.

    Hell, I’m allergic to cats anyway. More of a basset hound kind of girl. Well, I’m not actually a basset hound. Oh never mind.
    I think I love you.
    .-= Dara´s last blog ..Father’s Day =-.

  57. The first email is ridiculous on so many levels… I wish some psychologists would break down all the Freudian craziness that is bursting through in those eleven words…

    I don’t know who to feel sorry for: You, your Mom, or you Cat…
    .-= Ryan Hanley´s last blog ..Branding Your Business =-.

  58. We have a bad mailman. I think I’m going to give him a wrapped cat next Christmas.

  59. This is where your mom tells you you’re adopted. Then you’ll never know if the address for your ‘real’ mother that she gives you isn’t the real one or that girl in high school she hated.
    .-= JChevais´s last blog ..New Year, New Beginnings =-.

  63. I am in love w @Mayopie’s comment. I would propose if it weren’t patently obvious she is experienced sexually, which makes the comment dirty and whorish. SO JUST FORGET IT.

  64. Also, next time use a lubed condom. Makes the cats slimy, but it makes it easier to slide on.

    And do you think wrapping paper, a sweater, and a condom (especialy all three) would help to make the cat-towel facelift thing more suitable and practical for public? Because I do. A sweater for warmth, a condom for its spanx-like properties (it would flatten the cat out, you see, so he blended better), and the wrapping paper with the bow could make it look like a normal hair accessory. In fact, if the cat didn’t meow, I don’t think anybody would be able to tell. I am not sure how you would get it to stay on. Bungee cords? Ribbon? You cold make him look either like a bonnet or like one of those amazing winter hat things with the strings that tie under your chin, that you aren’t really supposed to tie, but you do, and the huge poof ball on top. Depending on the season. Or not, I guess. You could wear the bonet version year round, I suppose. But you might have to dress like you are Amish.

  65. If this was sent to my mom, she’d ask if I was alright and maybe if I should start taking some medication. Then when it got to the point where the sister gets blamed. She would agree, then tell everyone my sister sent her some rambling emails and needs an intervention. My mom’s cool like that. Thanks for the laugh on a day that I needed one. You rock!
    .-= Shirley´s last blog ..I Think He’s Better =-.

  66. It is like you are part of my extended family! Me, Mom, Dad and one of my brothers had an all day e-mail fest about mooning people in the military. Brother is in the military and it started out with us making up military names for mooning people i.e. bringing up the rear. It went downhill from there.
    .-= Jess´s last blog ..New Hairs! =-.

  69. i feel your pain. my kitty won’t put in her diaphragm in before she heads out for the evening. and my mom still sends me 10 year old jokes everyday. there should be a contraceptive device to block them from entering my inbox.
    .-= Patty Punker´s last blog ..Pristiq Depresses Me =-.

  71. I bet Al Gore sure is glad he invented the internet just so we can share videos like these. Am slightly embarrassed to say I laughed like a hyena. …I think, I’ve never actually heard a hyena laugh.

  75. Funny. I have no mom, and no siblings, and I wish I had both so I could torture them with goofy, borderline inappropriate, hilarious emails. This is why being a motherless only child fucking sucks. SUCKS I TELL YOU! (I mean, okay, that’s ONE of the reasons it sucks, really there are plenty more but they have nothing to do at all with this post so I’ll spare you.)

  76. So, I would totally have this one-sided conversation with my mom, but she’d be too drunk to notice we were talking anyway. Love that video though, I wish my cat wasn’t the devil so I could wrap him. Have you ever tried to wrap the devil in Christmas wrap? Not a good idea, trust me.
    .-= Kendahl´s last blog ..EcoStore USA Review and Giveaway! =-.

  80. My sister’s name is Lisa too, so I feel for you. I have one of those cats as well. A Ghandi cat. His tolerance and patience are endless. He just sits there and takes it all with a look of pity on his face, as if to say I am but a bumbling human fool who sadly doesn’t know The Way.
    .-= Momish´s last blog ..In A Word =-.

  84. I wish I could have an email conversation like this with my Mom. Actually I wish I could just have an email conversation with her, she doesn’t even have the internets! Which means when I go home for a visit, I damn near go insane, I have to take drastic measures like reading books. Crazy I know, but true. And I wonder what it would take to convince my cat Scribble to let me wrap him up? Probably an unspecified, but large amount of tuna in non-sequentially marked cans…
    .-= residuetiger´s last blog ..Conan, Bay, and the Twilight Zone =-.

  88. Lisa is a saint….and HOT! Also her kid is cold since her aunt stole her jacket. Please send a sweater.

  91. I don’t remember the last time Mum & I exchanged emails. We do, however, trade messages on FaceBook on occassion, which is probably the saddest thing one can admit to, except maybe you follow each other on Twitter. Or you trade messages on adultfriendfinder.com…

    Oh. My. God.

    I was trying to be oh-so-humorous, but I just grossed myself out so much I almost threw up!
    .-= Dudge OH´s last blog ..They’ll Be Dancing In The Streets of Heaven Tonight… =-.

  94. Oh this reminds me of that scene in Swingers where the call call the woman for the first time and has a converstaion that ultimately leads to him breaking up with her. Except he hasn’t gone out with her yet and the conversation is all by himself on her answering machine.

    One’s own mind can be a dangerous neighborhood.

  95. Ahahaha. Hahahaha. YES! I am glad I am not the only one that does this kind of stuff.

    Just be thankful your mom does not have a Facebook account. Mine does, and I made the mistake of posting that she looked like an up-right corpse in one of her pictures. The entire Facebook world collapsed on me soon after.

    Except replace entire Facebook world with all of my mother’s friends and you have a better approximation of what actually happened.

  96. I laughed SO hard I cried. My dogs enjoyed as well. My mom would probably never speak to me again. She’s not this much fun. Thank you for making me laugh like this every day!

  97. As I’m reading this, I’m on the phone with my dad, walking him through how to attach a file to his email.

    Again.

    He’ll never send me a kitty condom video.

    Although, he did used to ask why anyone would want to look at “kitty porn”.
    .-= Amo´s last blog ..The Stronger Sex =-.

  98. I find it odd that people are still wrapping cats to begin with…don’t most people use gift bags now? You know, “Don’t let the cat out of the bag!”… until Christmas. Isn’t that where that saying came from anyway?

  104. My mother has just aboot mastered email.

    However, thanx to my brother and nephew being forward-everything-and-the-kitchen-sink email-tards, she rarely uses it.

    I also made the mistake of telling her where my blog wuz.

    However, I didn’t mention that I didn’t use my real name on it, so I’m hoping she got confuzzled and fergot aboot it…
    .-= Andrew Ironwood´s last blog ..Found Poem From Someone Else’s Random Text Generator Output/Filler =-.

  105. Gmail has a function you can add that cracks me up. You know how we sometimes get drunk and send e-amils we shouldn’t have- not that Jenny was drunk when she sent these, I’m guessing it was more fun sober- BUT you can add a “drunk guard” to your e-mail account that makes you solve simple math problems before the program will let you send. How awesome is that?
    .-= Christina Bell´s last blog ..I Can’t Seem to Think of a Title That Doesn’t Include "Delta" and Various Profanities…… =-.

  109. I end up doing stuff like this all the time too.
    Only I have no siblings, so I have to blame it on one of my Mom’s dogs.
    It works better than you would think.

  110. Don’t kill the messenger but your mother doesn’t reply because your emails go directly in her junk mail.
    Your sister may be partly responsible.

  111. Oh, and another thing. I’ve been reading this blog since the last decade and this is the first that I’m hearing about a sister. I’m afraid that I’m going to need to see her birth certificate. And perhaps a few tax returns. Just the federal, I’m not some kind of a freak.
    .-= Marinka´s last blog ..Other Things Admitted by John Edwards =-.

  112. I just found this blog via the blog awards and I am CRYING with laughter at this..you are definitely added to my daily reads!

  114. My mom would just respond to me by saying, “I don’t remember raising you—a psycho of a daughter :)” No joke. That’s her being kind. And yes, she’s even cool enough these days to do the smiley face.

  117. you’re lucky.
    if I had sent all these weird mails,
    my mother would have sent over my sister to make sure
    I haven’t hit my head on the nightstand again or something.

  119. I was really hoping you were going to tell us that your sister and niece were the ones wrapping the cat. I wanted to know how many times they had to rehearse that because it seems like it was down to a science. I don’t even wrap things that aren’t alive that precisely. (Uh, like, inanimate objects… I’m not saying I wrap dead things….)

  120. Pingback: Bloggess | Aeonn

  121. That’s gold!

    My Mum takes weeks to respond to anything I send her but when she finally does, she hits ‘send’ so many goddamn times it blocks my email.

    You win this round, Mum.

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