Suicide is never the answer. Even to word problems.

in important stuff

Today is Sunday which means that it’s time to do a wrap-up of everything I did this week but I’m going to put that off because today  I got an email from a friend of mine in the hospital.  His name is Jon and if you read the comments then you kind of know him.  He’s funny, and smart and a hysterical man who sends nude Christmas cards of himself to his grandmother (who only complained because they’re both Jewish).  He’s one of us and a few days ago he tried to kill himself.  Why?  Because he’d fallen down a black hole.  He emailed me because he knew I “can understand how it gets when we suddenly become overwhelmed by the hostility and inhumanity of the world“.  And I can.  I wish I didn’t.  But as I emailed Jon back I thought about how lucky I am that I’m able to email him and yell at him for doing something so stupid.  The world would be a colder place without him.  If you’re considering suicide, know that your loss will be one that leaves a hole in the lives of so many people, including mine.  You are important.  You are special.  You are not replaceable.

Jon said he’d be reading the blog if he could bribe his nurse to access the internet again and so I’m leaving a copy of my email to him here because I want him to see it, and I want you to see it too because it’s important:

Oh Jon, You made me cry. I do understand. Completely. And if I was there I would hug you and then slap you. Because suicide isn’t an option. If I don’t get to do it then no one does. Those are the rules. And also, when people commit suicide I get suicidal so next time you even think of it you need to remember that I have a whole host of drugs here that I shouldn’t even be allowed to be by. I’m dangerous so I need you to be sane. No pressure.

You bring light and laughter into the universe and there is far too little of that here to begin with. Remember that picture you sent me of you as a naked reindeer wearing only a single Christmas sock? I still have it. I don’t keep all my emails. Only the funny ones. You are special and I’m not just saying that.

This too shall pass. I promise. And if you try to commit suicide again I will cut you. Unless you tried by cutting your wrists. Then I’ll just punch you and yell a bit while I wrap your favorite shirt around your wrists. There. You just ruined your favorite shirt with your blood, Jon. This is why suicide sucks. We all lose. We lose our favorite shirts.

Love,

me

PS. This is the worst letter ever but I know you’ll understand it. And this is exactly the reason why you must get better and carry on. There are far too few people in the world that I can send sarcastic emails to while they recover from a suicide attempt in a psych ward.

Don’t let me down, Jon. The world needs you.

That goes for the rest of you people as well. There aren’t enough misfits in the world. Let’s stick together out there. After all, we’re all we have.

Comment of the day: The Black Hole engulfs many. I spent 3 hours one afternoon when I was 53 years old, trying to figure out how to commit suicide without my children knowing it was suicide. The younger one was still in high school. What saved me? Anger. To be hoodwinked by the liar that is major depression does not make you a lesser person. It can happen to almost anyone in the right circumstances. Get mad enough to blow up the world, and then get silly, and then get joyful. You have the right. Love to all who have been down this road and who know others who have been down it. There IS a way out. ~ Beth

214 thoughts on “Suicide is never the answer. Even to word problems.”

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  4. thank you for sharing jon’s story and your email. i hope he finds the strength within himself to heal. he is also very lucky to have you to help him in the process. take care.
    .-= kiki´s last blog ..Blame it on the Alcohol =-.

  7. Oh Boy! You are so right. I actually don’t have anything to bring to the table and I am usually full of useless crap to comment about. But the misfit thing…yeah the misfit thing!

  12. Fuck. Did you really have to post and tweet this right now? Was it *just* to poke at my guilt for thinking of it or am I finally, truly paranoid? There was I thinking I’d spent my last night here helping make #kickcancer a top trending topic and then, there was you bringing the ‘we all lose our favourite shirts’.

    Fuck.

  16. This is by far my favorite post…not bc Jon tried to off himself (stop that Jon) but because it hits home….I too know of this “black hole” you speak of (yeah yeah thats what she said) I remember this one phrase “Depression tells lies” which really hit me too…in a major way considering that line was spoken by the minister who was speaking at my friends funeral. My friend who I was so fucking pissed off at for a long time for falling for those lies….my friend who I still visit to this day…especailly on really bad days…I go there to remind myself that shit is not that bad….yeah life blows goats sometimes but big woop…this too shall pass.

    The lies of depression can be loud….it takes a lot of work to be louder…..I come here to read this nonsense and before I know it Im like “wait what? why am I laughing?! Im was mad damnit.” So I guess technically–you save my life lady. Thanks:)
    .-= singlemomma_cc´s last blog ..Being pregnant can be scary enough =-.

  17. I don’t comment often (and by “not often” I mean “once”) but I just wanted to say that this reminded me of why, several years ago, I didn’t kill myself when I thought it was the only way to get myself out of depression. You’ve said it better in that email than I’ve been able to since then, and I may have to bookmark this and come back to it when times take a turn for the worst as they are so apt to do.

    I’ve got a headache, so I’m probably not phrasing this in any sort of coherent way so I’m just gonna sum it up and move on — Thanks for making so much sense, Jenny.

  19. Jon, listen to Jenny. Jenny: your humor AND heart warm the cockles of my heart. I always wanted to say that. You crack me the hell up.

  21. Thank you so much for posting this, and for sharing your own experiences. The hole is a terrible place to be. I liken depression to that fungal parasite that turns ants into zombies: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/08/090811161345.htm It takes them over and forces them to climb up high, where they die. Now, this is rather ghastly, but anyone who has ever felt suicidal will understand the feeling of having no other choice. The illness drives.

    My friend Erik died by suicide in late November 2009. Surviving the suicide of a friend is unbelievably painful. I realize that he truly felt that was his only option. The pain he felt was in his body as well as in his mind, that physical ache in the solar plexus. But someone told me that if you are able to interrupt a suicide, by the end of three days they will no longer feel suicidal. Three little days. So, people who are suicidal need to go check themselves in and allow themselves to be medicated or distracted or whatever so they can get through those three little days.

    I’ve never rock climbed in my life, but sometimes life is like what I imagine rock climbing to be: each moment you are just focusing on the next hand hold, and when that hand hold is no longer moving you forward, you have to find and use the next one. And so on. It’s a lot of work, and it can be exhausting, but if it gets you out of that hole, even for a little while, it’s worth it.

  22. All the times I’ve fallen down The Hole, the biggest thing that’s kept me from any permanent damage is the (sad?) fact that I’m a bajillion times more terrified of trying to {insert dramatic music here} End It All and _failing_ than I am of, you know, actually dying.

    But this letter is now being added to the list, so thank you for that, beautiful.

    Also, Jon? I don’t know you, but I’m very happy to know you exist somewhere. Keep existing, please.
    .-= Miss B´s last blog ..Woven =-.

  23. I thought you’re email was really sweet. I had a friend/roommate who killed himself almost two years ago. It was the worst thing I’ve ever endured and I’ve had one those lives that you only hear about on Oprah and the Lifetime channel. He was such a special person, totally one of a kind.

    A month or so before he died, he asked me how I kept going, b/c if he were me he would of killed himself a long time ago and so he needed to know my secret so he’d keep going. I told him I didn’t know, that I was convinced that I the pain I felt inside would never go away and that I couldn’t guarantee I wouldn’t end my life eventually , that I was just running blind in the mean time. Even though it was the truth, it’s quite possibly the worst thing I’ve ever said/done in my life. I wish I told him something more like what you’re telling Jon.

    I hope Jon gets better soon.
    .-= Angela´s last blog ..My Dreams Are Way Too Real =-.

  24. Jenny, as usual you were right on with everything you said – best fucking post suicide letter ever. Except I have to make a tiny addition to your third to last sentence.

    “There aren’t enough HONEST misfits in the world.”

    Every damn one of us is screwier than a box of Fusilli Pasta, but not enough of us admit it. Thank God you do, and that you stand by the rest of us nutbags. Prayers for Jon, and for you. xoxo

  25. A friend attempted suicide while we were in college in Oklahoma. The fact we were living in Oklahoma explains the suicidal tendencies, ha ha ha. I visited him in the psych ward where they had confiscated the shoelaces in his sneakers. I bought him tape so he could tape his shoes to his feet and fit in with the psych patients who are hallucinating and hearing voices. And I contacted the school to let them know why he was late for the start of the semester. And I went to the powers that be at the psych hospital and begged for them to let him have his watch back because it had been his dad’s and his dad had died and he really NEEDED that freakin watch around his wrist. And then I went to the police station to get the lowdown on exactly what had happened because he couldn’t remember, and I discovered ATTEMPTING suicide was against the LAW in Oklahoma and if you survived, you had to get a lawyer and show up in court. This is why I moved to Virginia. I *think* we can attempt suicide and not be sent to jail. What a relief.
    .-= V-Grrrl @ Compost Studios´s last blog ..Perfect match =-.

  27. Jenny you are right …. we ARE all we have. Us nutbags need to stick together, like, sweaty nutbags.

    Dearest Jon …… suicide sux. Why? Because on the one of many occasions I tried it, I got transferred to a pysch ward in an ambulance …. and I realised that I went to school with the paramedic in the back with me. AWKWARD. That’s why you shouldn’t try to kill yourself, man. It’s a real conversation downer. “So, what have you been up to since school? Wait – don’t answer that.”

    My real father killed himself by drinking like Nicholas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas. My stepfather killed himself by buying a hosepipe and attaching it to his car exhaust. He even brought crossword puzzles to do, but apparently it didn’t take *that* long because he didn’t even start any.

    There’s another reason ….. you’ll miss out on crosswords.

    Seriously mate, as you sit in your hospital bed feeling like a piece of shit, know this ….. you are NOT a piece of shit!! I promise, it is not the way. You’ll miss the ending! I have found that life can be filled with good shit – even without heroin! (But that’s a total nother story …)

    Blessings and peace to you. Hang in there. Get help. Get meds. Grow back down again, don’t grow up.

    XOXO Eden
    .-= edenland´s last blog ..The Rhythm of Life =-.

  28. Indeed a moving and heartfelt “share”. However, for some of us, *it* is a genuine, real, tangible, answer. Call it selfish, but it is the most difficult cause we sometimes must take on. Ironic timing, your post. All the best to you, and yours.

  29. STOP TRYING TO FUCKING OFF YOURSELF, JOHN! There aren’t enough good Jewish men out there for us, and you just tried to limit my dating pool! Have you SEEN JDate recently?!?! You OWE it to us to stay alive, man!! Otherwise, my friend could end up with some schmuck named Ori, or Uzi, or Slappy or some crazy shit.

    I get it. I’ve had depression all my life. Now that you know what you have, learn how to manage it so that I can have hope for the male Jewish population of the world.

    Cuz frankly, it’s really about me here. 😉
    .-= HannahBanana´s last blog ..Welcome! To a protest in DC!! =-.

  30. If I’m ever recovering in a pysch ward you are welcome to send me a sarcastic email.

    Jon, seriously man, don’t make her hunt you down and cut you. Jenny will just end up getting committed and then she wont be able to write her blog and then we’ll all end up getting committed and the world will be swallowed up in a big giant anti-funny black whole.

    Yeah, I don’t really know where I was going with that either.
    .-= Jelly´s last blog ..And now for something COMPLETELY different =-.

  36. I think we should all send a naked Christmas card of our respective selves to Jon in the hospital. How could that NOT make him feel better?

    Several times the only thing that’s stopped me from giving in to the depression is the thought of what it would do to the people who love me. We love you, Jon.
    .-= Jess´s last blog ..I loves me some Ricky Gervais =-.

  37. Jon…..if you are such good friends w/ The Bloggess that is reason enough to carry on….and if you can come up w/ stuff like taking pictures of reindeers with only 1 sock on then we need MORE people like you in this world to make us laugh……
    By the way…..where did you get that sock, b/c I was missing a sock & I posted “Have you seen me” posters ALL over the neighborhood but never heard back…..It’s ok if you took it b/c the reindeer needed it WAY MORE than me….and I am NOW used to wearing socks that don’t match, anyway….
    Ok…lots of love and feel better 🙂
    .-= NinjaDragonFly´s last blog ..Yiska lays an egg!!! WTF?! =-.

  45. As a survivor of multiple suicide attempts & a person sensitive to the woes of the world, I stand & applaud The Bloggess for this post. And to Jon, thank you for being alive. You’re needed here. Even if you’re just kicking rocks, the world is a much better place with you in it. Stay strong & laugh!

  46. Jenny, you really know how to support someone! That’s why I love you.

    Jon – permanent solution to temporary problem – that’s what we call suicide in these parts. I hope you’re getting the support you need in the hospital. I know you’re getting the love you think you don’t have right here. Get well.
    .-= a´s last blog ..Show and Tell – Farm Life =-.

  47. I wish everyone had a Jenny to send them sarcastic emails. Maybe then the world would be a happier place. I know I’m only here because of similar indignant intervention many years ago. My town is having a suicide awareness walk tomorrow, and I’m going to share this post on the group page.
    .-= SilverMoon´s last blog ..Psst, want a sneak peek? =-.

  48. My father (Dr. Reid Wilson) is a world-renowned psychologist who specializes in anxiety disorders and panic attacks. He and I are currently in Vancouver, where he is teaching his technique to other psychologists. My dad and I found your blog a few days ago and laughed hysterically at your other posts, doing dramatic readings of them that had us rolling around on the floor, laughing. And now this. I read your post about your depression aloud to him, and he was right there with you. Brought us both to tears, and it is all too familiar to him and his work. He wanted me to reach out to you because he wrote a very well-known book called Don’t Panic (the third edition of which was just released last year) and you can find it on his website http://www.anxieties.com or in any bookstore. He told me to tell you that the book is not going to cure you, but if you take to the work, it can bring you to a higher platform from which to see another perspective. It will be a much easier place to work from and you won’t have to live in that black hole that you dread. You may also find his website helpful, as he offers lots of free self-help tips.

    In any case, please stay strong and if you want to reach out to him directly, you can contact myself or him via his website. He is in North Carolina, but could possibly offer support via email or phone. Keep on writing your hilarious blogs and all our best to your friend Jon.

  50. Jon, get better. if you haven’t yet, you will find some really good (professional mental health care providers) people out there who can help.

  51. I tried killing myself three times in the past. So I have experience in that it gets better. Jenny’s email is a bit harsh, but there is so much compassion underlying it. I didn’t really know compassion until only a couple of years ago. The thing that is constant in life is change. And now that I get to experience new things, I’m so glad I failed in my attempts. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t always feel like this. Sometimes I do wish that I had succeeded. Sometimes I think of trying again. I think the biggest factor in my not trying again is having friends like Jenny. Jon, you are so lucky to have her and I really hope that you cherish that friendship enough to not want to leave it by something that is your own choice. I know it sort of seems sometimes that it isn’t your own choice but it is in reality. Things don’t always seem as they are, so you just have to hold on.
    Sending love and peace your way, yvaine

  52. Jenny,

    I read the blog often, and follow you on Twitter, and while I enjoy your crazy antics, I am always glad to see this real you, shining through, the real you which says that you are crazy in a way we all love, adore, and feel close to.

    I, too, suffered from the black hole. For many, many years. I attempted suicide several times, the worst of which I took an entire bottle of Valium (what doctor prescribes Valium to a 16 year old to combat his sleeplessness? Really?), then woke up in the morning (!), put on some pants (but no shirt) drove my car to pick up my one friend to drive to school, and by the time I picked up my second friend, they said I was hallucinating and yelling. My first friend – only 15 – convinced me to let him drive the rest of the way to school and they called an ambulance.

    I spent a week in the hospital (I remember the nurse – big, male nurse – doing some sort of compressions on my stomach or chest), and another week in a psych ward with kids who were *way* more messed up than I was. It was an eye-opening experience, and even though I understood the impact of what it meant, and who it would hurt, and how I *didn’t* want to do it, it was many, many years before the urge to drive my car into a tree, or jump off a building, or take lots of pills went away. I was afraid it would never go away, but it did. For some people it doesn’t, but I somehow was one of the lucky ones.

    And to those who say drugs (anti-depressant drugs), or music, or God, or anything else will help – it won’t. Having supportive people who understand what you are going through, who are willing to listen, and who are willing to get a letter from the hospital after you try to off yourself and are willing to *still* support you – that’s what got me through it. It wasn’t God (I was a drummer for a Christian punk band), and it wasn’t drugs. It was time, support – and love.

    So Jenny, thank you for publishing the letter, but thank you even more for creating a persona that people from everywhere can truly bond to, and trust, and feel support from. Way more than hits, way more than ad money, way more than silly internet awards – those friendships and relationships (as screwed up as they may be) I hope reward you far more.

    And to Jon – I don’t know you, but I’m glad you were willing to reach out to Jenny. It’s not easy being green, or trying to commit suicide, and to be willing to face that – you’ve got some cojones my friend.

  54. I sometimes think I will reach a day where I feel like giving up and taking massive amounts of drugs, jumping off a bridge, slicing my wrists beyond repair, maybe all of them at once. I made myself a promise, though: If i ever feel like that, I have to see/call my friends first and see what they think about it.

    I know that they just simply won’t allow it.

    And i’m glad that you won’t allow your friend to do it, either. We need MOAR MISFITS!

  56. P.S. After reading your letter to Jon outloud again (I promise, my dad can read, but it’s more fun this way), my dad said, and I quote, “She’s my hero.” So there.

  58. How strange–I just went to a funeral yesterday for a friend who hanged himself. He left behind a wife and small child. I know he had some problems–he was the guy who always found the fun in everything, but part of that was a false front, a way to hide from a darkness that finally consumed him. I wish someone had written him an e-mail like this.

    Thank you for posting this and for showing that you can seem irreverent but actually care deeply at the same time.
    .-= die Frau´s last blog ..Your Feel-Good Friday =-.

  59. Have you never actually WATCHED “It’s a Wonderful Life?”

    that is what i would make myself watch when i was in the black hole. I would cry and tell myself the “lie” that no one would miss me and that i had made no difference in anyone’s life.

    but now, years later with a new life and a new family and new friends, i know differently.

    I always used to say the only thing that kept me from killing myself was the curiosity of “what happens next?”

    I am very glad i stuck around to find out. i had no idea my life could become so amazing and fulfilling and wonderful. that i could actually be loved by someone who loved me back without hurting me. physically & emotionally.

    now i have a beautiful, intelligent, talented teenaged daughter, who would not be here if i had given into the blackness.

    so hang in there and wait and see what happens next. and mind your thoughts. you get back what you send out. i know this to be true. thoughts have mass. work on making your thoughts about what you DO WANT, not what you DON’T want.

    we love you, even though we do not KNOW you, Jon. We want you to be well and happy and smiling and making others smile. we know you are good at it because jenny told us so.

    Peace.

  60. Wish I’d had that letter when I was recovering in the psych ward. Sometimes the time and space to really focus on the problem and get help is the best thing for it – wish Jon had been able to find that before the attempt. And thank you, endlessly, Jenny, for being honest about how much it sucks sometimes to walk that line between sarcastic and cynical, sanity and that black hole.

  61. Thank you, Jenny. Suicide is never the answer. I’ve had a family member do it. We’ve had real life friends do it. And one of my twitter friends did it, recently. It’s the wrong decision. Life has ups and downs, and things always turn around eventually. But suicide hurts too many people. We miss our friends and family members so much. We’d give anything to have them back. But now, there is nothing we can do, and it sucks on so many levels.

    Jon, I am thankful your attempt was unsuccessful. There aren’t enough good people in this world; don’t take one of them away from us. The world would be a darker place without you. xo
    .-= Trish´s last blog ..Deck the halls with your questionable photos?? No. I don’t think so. =-.

  63. Only someone who has been in that black hole could have responded the way you did, Jenny. For that I am thankful and I can only hope Jon is to. It’s why I know I don’t have to feel pity because only the brave know that there’s a bottom to that hole, it’s just that for some, it’s deeper than others’.
    .-= Yo-yo Mama´s last blog ..Definition of Bravery =-.

  64. My cousin who I grew up with committed suicide two and a half years ago. He was one of the funniest and most genuine people. To this day we don’t have a definite answer of why. He’s missed every day and it breaks my heart to see how it’s affected my aunt and uncle. He was 20 years old.

    I’m glad that Jon’s friends and family haven’t had to endure the heartbreak of losing him.

  65. Not one to comment usually but also know of that Black Hole Bitch.

    I try to keep in mind these words by the Indigo Girls…”Darkness has a hunger that’s insatiable, and lightness has a call that’s hard to hear…” Darkness is loud 🙁

  66. I come here to be amused (shocker), but today I’m feeling sobered at the thought of a suicide attempt, and inspired by your meaningful letter, Jenny. I’m sure it’ll have an influence on people out there—and Jon, I hope you take it to heart. You sound like a great guy. Stick around. I don’t think Jenny will send naked pictures of herself to your grandmother in your absence, you know.
    .-= Ellen´s last blog ..Sabrina’s 5th birthday party: Nobody called the cops! =-.

  67. It’s so difficult to find the right words in a situation like this, and yet Jenny manages while remaining upbeat and funny at the same time. That’s talent.
    Our family was touched by a suicide attempt recently as well. It never fails to strike me how the funniest, most poignant people are the ones the ones who truly understand the mental state that leads to a desire for an end.
    Life isn’t easy. And for those who recognize its difficulty, it’s even more difficult.
    For me, finding the humor in life’s incongruities and difficulties makes it easier to carry on. That, and having friends who care.
    No one who sends naked Christmas cards should remain in the black hole. I admit to being familiar with it myself, but there are ways out. Family, friends, kindred spirits and laughter…that’s the way to go.
    I’ve never met you, Jon, or even seen your face, but God bless you, whether you believe in a God or not.
    The hole often seems to stretch forever, but I can tell you it doesn’t. And laughter, I’ve found, is the most efficient way out.
    Love and strength,
    Stormy

  68. I stopped taking my prozac in november. Because I’m a dumbass. I’ve been feeling myself falling back into that black hole these last few weeks, and this post has made me decide to start taking my meds again.

    Thank you Jenny.

  69. I love this letter. I have been in that black hole, and I can tell you that this is the sort of letter that would have helped me see some light.
    To me, the most beautiful thing about it is that there is not one ounce of judgment. Even when people mean well, that creeps in. And the truth is, we are all *this* close to the edge many times in our life. No one can truly say they would never attempt suicide. People do, but I truly believe that we can all tip into that black hole when one loss becomes two, and the ride is all downhill.
    And Jon, I have been where you are. Exactly. In that hospital after the fact wondering so many things. Know that it can and will get better, but you are not all the bad things you are thinking about yourself. You are human. And real. And important. Take care of yourself.
    Jenny, thank you SO much for sharing this letter and for being the friend that you are to Jon.
    .-= Kim ´s last blog ..Family =-.

  70. Not only do your friends and family suffer because of suicide… so do the professionals who work suicides. My boyfriend went this very afternoon to work one. He also worked one 2-3 weeks ago, not to mention all of those that came before these two recent ones. It impacts him, he has to try so hard not to let it, but it does. Someone we never knew impacted our lives, and made us sad today.

    Jon, I hope you are on your way to finding the path out of that dark place. Even not knowing you, I care about you. I’m glad you’re still here to see that so many people do sincerely care about you.

  71. Jenny

    Thank you so much for posting this. Jon is one of my closest friends and I know that he adores you and will be flattered that you actually took the time to write this. He could use uplifting things right now. I’ve just texted him to go search for an internet connection.

    ps: Jon is a great guy and everyone who meets him falls in love with him instantly.

  72. I’ve been in that black hole a few times myself. You, Jenny, have helped to pull me out. Thank you.

  73. That letter is great. I’ve been in too many dark holes to count and due to one especially deep, dark one, I ended up in the looney bin because I fucked up an attempt at offing myself. I know someone said that letter was “harsh”, but I thought it was fantastic, and just the type of thing I would have loved to read after my “failure”. I also love the line someone else said: “Depression tells lies.” Jon – I hope you’re reading all of these and taking them to heart. And if you can’t do that yet (take them to heart, that is), I hope you can one day. All of us “misfits” need to stick together.

  74. Jon, if you ever fall into the hole again, I’m pretty sure Jenny will tie together all her wigs and then hold them into the hole so you can climb out, like Rapunzel. So, please reach out to her if it ever gets so dark again. She seems like a super sweet person, even if she might punch you once or twice too. It’s called tough love.

    Hugs to you and to Jenny.
    .-= Fairly Odd Mother´s last blog ..Lucy =-.

  75. John, you better be reading these comments, b/c I tried to commit suicide, too, once. When I look back over my life and see all the stuff I would have missed and all the people I would have missed, I am really glad that I failed. Sure, life sucked for a while. Kind of a long while. But it got better again. Hang in there, John! We really want you to stay here with us.
    .-= Mikki´s last blog ..The first, The best, The only: ROGUE =-.

  78. Ah… Wowsa. This post really hit me hard. I know people who have committed suicide and others who have tried. I wish Jon the best on his road to recovery!! I swear this isn’t spam, but I just googled Juaquin Pheonix to see if he was still doing hip-hop music, and I found a recent video that he made promoting a group called “To write Love on Her arms” or TWLOHA. They are dedicated to finding help for victims of depression, suicide and addiction. It seems like a really cool movement… I spent some time on the site then headed over to my reader to see this post, and I dunno… it’s all in my head right now. The site is http://www.twloha.com

  79. i don’t think it’s a horrible letter. in fact, i think it’s a beautiful letter.
    it’s so sad. my mom used to always tell me that this too shall pass. i make sure to tell my children the same thing. because it does.
    my best friend in high school tried to kill herself by overdosing on coumadin. she almost succeeded.
    jon, it will pass. things always get better. they do!! and you have all of us nutjobs here on the internet for support. hang in there. this too…shall pass.
    .-= melissa´s last blog ..Facebook Friendship Suggestion Fail =-.

  81. This post gives me hope.

    You give me hope.

    Thank you for inspiring me.

    Also, get well soon, Jon. We know what it’s like. You are not alone.

  82. Jenny… before I started blogging I ffelt completely alone in my depression. I thought it made me a bad person. A crazy person. I wanted so badly to be kind and funny and smart… but I didn’t think I could be anything more than ‘depressed’. And then I discovered all these great blogs of people who shared my (sick) sense of humour. People I admired… people I wanted to be like. People like Danny and Megan and you… and Jon. And then I found out that I was like all of you… in a way I never imagined possible. After all, how could such wonderfully awesome people struggle with the same feelings I felt? That there existed people who could understand. And not just any people… the best people. Finally instead of my depression being something of great shame it became something that connected me to such remarkable individuals. Instead of being a burden it became a badge of honour. And instead of feeling like I was constantly letting everyone down I found a group of people I wanted to make proud.

    Thank you… for being so wonderful in every way… even the really hard ones.
    .-= The Last Girl Standing´s last blog ..A Day of Rest… indeed =-.

  83. Beautifully written! And Jon, Jen is so very right. My sis committed suicide and has left a huge hole in the world. I watch her grandson daily and think how much joy she would have had knowing him as I do.

    I attended a funeral yesterday and will be attending another on Feb 6, whom also succeeded in leaving a hole in the world.

    It will pass, I promise, there is nothing that is not correctable, nothing.
    .-= Diana, The Doggy Mommy´s last blog ..Reflections Of A Small World =-.

  86. that’s the best suicide response letter in all the land. seriously, i’m so GLAD that you posted it here b/c i’m guessing someone read it that needed to.

    and jon, knock that shit off b/c like our beloved bloggess wrote, you really you are not replaceable. there’s a reason you’re here, and your time isn’t done yet b/c if it were you’d know and wouldn’t have to test fate like that. as a bloggess fan, and a fellow crazy person i’m rooting for you and i don’t even know you. but i know the pain you’re in, that i know about a lot.
    .-= leah ´s last blog ..thyroid medicine took away that weird bloated thing i had going on in my face. =-.

  87. WOW just WOW! You never cease to amaze me. Thank you for being you.

    ps. I hope Jon knows how lucky he is to have a friend like you. Hang in there Jon.XO

  88. Dear Jon, please stay around. The world needs naked Jews with socks on.

    I’ve been in the hole. I take brain candy, which keeps me out of the hole, though I still come up to the edge of the hole and look in from time to time. It’s a horrible place, and I’m always fighting to keep from falling over that edge. With the help of my dear husband (who is Jewish and occasionally gets naked,) I’ve been able to stay on level ground.

    The hole is still there, still within sight from time to time. But I am determined to stay away from it. FUCK YOU, HORRIBLE BLACK HOLE. Fuck you. Right in the ear.

    Thank you, Jenny, for writing that letter. You’ve helped more than just Jon today. You are a Weird National Treasure. Sue me, you’re awesome. And love to James Garfield.
    .-= Keith´s last blog ..Rifftrax Live =-.

  89. I wish to hell I’d never been in that horrible black hole but I have so I sat here and had a good cry (which really screws up my masculine self-esteem). Jenny, if your dad ever lets you down and you need a substitute I hope you’ll let me apply for the job. I cook, do laundry, hate football and know how to fix stuff. I raised three independent, assertive daughters who can give references. I love you and think everything you say and do is wonderful. Jon, what a shitty way to treat people who care about you. cutitthefuckout.
    .-= Don Guitar´s last blog ..Oh, Will You Just Shutup About Illegals =-.

  91. where were you when i was suicidal years ago? you, your sensibilities, your humor, etc. would have inspired me even while trapped in the blackest hole. you are hope, jenny. ps: if you wanna cut me, you can.

  92. This is going to sound like a joke comment, but it’s actually totally serious:

    When I overdosed and ended up in a psych ward three years ago, I wish I’d had someone like you to send me a snarky, sarcastic email to make me laugh. I would have totally appreciated that.

    I bet Jon did too.
    .-= Lara´s last blog ..A Wish List – In Four Parts =-.

  93. Thank you for your comment Jenny, I have no idea how you manage to keep up with all the people that like you and all the people you like. No wonder you quit your job.

    Someone above said something about sending Jon naked x-mas cards and I think it’s a great idea. Although I plan to have a career in politics, I will totally send one. Actually, I happen to have a sexy elf costume (my boyfriend has a thing for elves) and that works too, right? Unless he really needs to see some titty right now. We can have a titty telethon which would just be people texting Jon pics of our areolas.
    .-= Angela´s last blog ..My Dreams Are Way Too Real =-.

  94. My life has also been touched by suicide. I would have really like to have shown my cousin this blog, or been the one to email him something similar when he was going through his issues.

    I really do hope Jon gets to read this, and if you do Jon. You can do it. Like Jenny said, if we can’t do it, neither can you. There are way too few of us out there.. too many “normals”. Keep your head up man.
    .-= Dora´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.

  95. A friend of mine was once cooling his heels in the Psychotel after a suicide attempt. I brought him a quarter sheet cake that I had the bakery write “Get Sane Soon” on. The charge nurse was APPALLED. My friend? Thought it was the. GREATEST. cake. EVER. And laughed and showed it to the fellow “inmates” who also laughed and though it was The. Greatest. Cake. EVER.

    Nurse frowned at me and said “Well, that is HARDLY appropriate” and I remarked “Do you see his reaction?”
    and she said “Yes” and I said “He’s been here 2 weeks. Has he so much as cracked a smile before today?” and she said “No” and then turned on her heel and left him to enjoy his cake.

    And this post is more timely than you may ever know…thanks
    .-= msdarkstar´s last blog ..formspring.me =-.

  96. To Jon and anyone else who finds themselves in that black hole, please PLEASE reach up your hand, turn to someone and say I NEED HELP.

    I went to a funeral this weekend for a wonderful, joyful, talented, bright, beautiful person whom I loved very much. The funeral home was busting at the seams. Friends spilled out into the hallway and onto the front lawn. We all stood there with tears rolling down our faces disbelieving that this had happened, that our dear sweet wonderfully awesome friend fell so far down that he took his own life. Had he made one call, said one word, he would have had an army there to help hold him up- it’s something he would have easily done for any one of us.

    Being there, clutching my new baby that he never had a chance to hold, felt like being punched over and over again. His mom was hysterical, his friends bewildered, & the priest was an asshole saying things like “maybe” he’s in heaven now. I know the church doesnt cope with suicide but way to make everyone feel worse. There was this huge grandfather clock that rang every 15 minutes. Coincidentally, every 15 minutes I wanted to go over and smash the glass case of that clock for reminding me that 15 more Steve-less minutes had passed.

    Worse then the grandfather clock, the asshole priest, and the tidal wave of snot from the sobbing crowd was the PTSD reaction threatening to suck me down into a xanax buffered spiral of sadness. 10 years ago I was doing the exact same thing.. only it was my boyfriend and I found him.. he had shot himself in the head. I had to touch him, to search for his pulse and Jon, my life has never been the same since.

    For years I was plagued by nightmares of that scene, nightmares so strong and visceral that I could smell that blood, the rot, and feel my hand pressed against his cold bloated flesh (just typing this is making me shake and sweat). Just writing about it… I can smell his cologne, feel the ants in his front yard bite me because i fell to the ground in acute pain from the sound of his voice on his answering machine all while crime scene investigators stepped over me, gathering evidence.

    then came the guilt… the guilt almost swallowed me whole. I spent a lot of time in therapy trying to drop kick the guilt out of my life. I flunked out of college, I had to move (i could see his house from my front door), I had to learn how to function in a relationship all over again

    This has to stop. I can not go to another funeral.

    So Jon, and anyone else, please, i beg of you PLEASE, ask for help. Love yourself enough to know that you are worthy of help, that someone or many someones that care for you will die inside without you in this world. Know that you are so loved that our lives will be permanently altered (for the worse) with you gone and instead of hurting yourself reach up, reach out and ask for help.
    .-= fidget´s last blog ..Tell me a story =-.

  97. Jon, I don’t know you, but I just wanted to let you know that I read this and that I am thinking of you.

  99. The Bloggess,

    I bought Joanna’s dad’s book. It’s in a box in France where I will no doubt need it when I catch up with it because moving to France would make anyone panic.

    I’m really glad that you posted your email to Jon here so that misfits around the world could unite behind it (it’s not easy to get them to unite behind just any old thing), support Jon in continuing to live, share their own experiences of having attempted suicide and lived to be glad that they did not succeed, and share their experiences of having lost friends and loved ones to completed suicide attempts.

    My mother shot herself in the right temple on 3/31/91, almost 19 years ago now, and died in her studio apartment in San Francisco. My sister has tried on more than one occasion to kill herself. My father drank himself to death–a subintentioned death (per Edwin Schneidman, “The Suicidal Mind”) if ever there was one–as did his brother. Suzanne at “Liquid Illuzion” killed herself on Christmas Eve in 2008, leaving behind 2 young children, a brother, and her elderly parents. The loss of each of these individuals diminishes us all and the collateral damage is unimaginably far-reaching.

    I happen to believe that there are as many variants on the reason to kill one’s self as their are individuals contemplating or completing suicide. I don’t think that there is only one reason. It is a great accomplishment to get people discussing the matter openly and honestly. I’m glad that you wrote back to Jon and that you shared your email with all of us.

    Amitiés,
    .-= The Pliers´s last blog .."What Ever Happened To What’s ‘er Name? =-.

  103. Hey there Jenny. And Jon. I’ve tried twice, over nine years ago, and I’m so glad I’m alive — even though the black hole beckons to me more often than is really fair or reasonable. Suicide stops one person’s pain and starts pain for countless other people. Getting through a suicidal patch, though, makes a person stronger than any fucking superhero *I’ve* ever heard of. Nothing much is scarier than the worst lies depression and anxiety tell us — and facing those down and saying “FUCK OFF” to them makes us ROCKSTARS.

    Jenny, you’re more than welcome to send sarcastic/funny/fucked-up emails to me if I ever end up in a non-voluntary vacation situation again. Jon, listen to your lovely, brilliant, crazy pal Jenny.

    And PS to Jenny — Doooood, ZOMG, joking about you on twitter got NEIL FUCKING GAIMAN to @ reply me. But I wasn’t joking — you two are going out, right? 🙂
    .-= Rose/yarnivore´s last blog ..yarnivore: @yatima I don’t know how you manage. I really don’t. That all sounds so lovely I could cry. =-.

  104. Can I just say thank you, from the bottom of my heart. This post has led me to other posts of yours about your struggle with anxiety and depression, and reading your letter to Jon has helped me see some light in my current black hole. I’m 17 and just started feeling like this. It’s been coming and going for about a year and a half, and I honestly feel completely ridiculous. The scary thing is, not too long ago, someone I knew committed suicide, and it got my mind running. I think the worst thoughts have subsided, but I’m so afraid of them coming back. And the Panic Attacks so so embarrassing and I worry about them so much that I end up getting one and ughhh. I haven’t learned how to deal with this.

    LeSigh.

    Jon, I’m extremely happy to know that you’re still here. Like Jenny said, us misfits need to stick together.

    Love.

  106. 1996. Four friends lost. One of whom had tried before.

    I remember how it felt the first time, sitting, waiting, bawling my eyes out like some crazy lunatic wondering if she was going to make it.

    I remember visiting her once she had stabilized. She told me, “Sometimes all it takes is someone trusted to sit there quietly in that big old empty space, and occupy my void.”

    I remember holding the parting gift she gave me when they released her and she told me she was moving away. I remember holding that stuffed dog four years later, pushing its belly, listening to it play “It’s a small world” over and over again until it no longer worked, tears streaming down my face at my broken heart over her broken promise that she’d never try it again. I remember hating myself because I wasn’t there with her to sit quietly in her dark tunnel. I remember making a vow to never EVER make anyone feel the way I felt at that moment.

    Suicide isn’t the answer. And in cases like this, words aren’t either. But no matter how bad it gets or how empty things seem, there are others out there who KNOW.

    And until the world seems right again, there is always someone who cares enough to occupy the void. Don’t be ashamed to ask them.
    .-= Ms. Heather aka ScribbleQueen´s last blog ..Sudsy Sunday: Stories~The most faithful of friends =-.

  108. I have nothing to add here except that I know and I also know it passes.

    Please don’t do it again. Hold onto life. In the end it’s the only thing that matter. Bloggess obviously needs you and I’m not above needing you too if it helps any.

    Roses. They do smell. Stop and stick your nose in them. Often. It tends to keep the garbage out. Hugs.
    .-= Spilling Ink´s last blog ..New Masterplan =-.

  109. someone once told me that depression and anxiety were the *normal* reaction to all the bad things we see/experience in the world and that it was all those “sane”, “happy” people who were crazy. for some reason, that made me feel *immensely* better.

    as did this post. thanks for sharing once again.

    jon, you are clearly loved. by people with sharp knives. you are *lucky*. remember that. and whatever you do, don’t be sane, that’s crazy 😮

  111. Everyone is telling you how awesome you are and as much as I’d love to be different I can’t be because you *are* that awesome. So instead I have to be like EVERYONE else and say I love you. You’ve been there for me when I was in the hole (I’m very lucky that it wasn’t too deep… I was able to climb out). You’re kind words and advice helped me realize that I was actually okay… thank you. This is my community, and you are our fearless, dysfunctional, fucked up leader… thank god for that.
    .-= Ally B´s last blog ..Stop Being a Stalker Day =-.

  112. Jenny…

    thank you.

    This touched me today, and the comments brought tears to my eyes and made me smile.

    No, I’m not *that* Jon, but I thought it very odd that my character is also Jon in SL.

    came here through dailycoyote on twitter.

  113. The Black Hole engulfs many. I spent 3 hours one afternoon when I was 53 years old, trying to figure out how to commit suicide without my children knowing it was suicide. The younger one was still in high school. What saved me? Anger. To be hoodwinked by the liar that is major depression does not make you a lesser person. It can happen to almost anyone in the right circumstances. Get mad enough to blow up the world, and then get silly, and then get joyful. You have the right. Love to all who have been down this road and who know others who have been down it. There IS a way out.

    Thanks, Jenny.

  114. I don’t know you Jon, but yes, you must stick around. My partner killed herself two years ago. she was an amazing “misfit” and your friend is right, we need all the misfits we can get. Suicide sucks. There are other options, there truly are. there is no need to leave a wake of tears when you can make one of love. you are needed here in ways you can’t guess or imagine. trust that and do whatever you can to stay here.

  115. Jon,
    The very fact that you send nude christmas cards, simply sent a huge bright spark to my morning! Oh why would such a crazy mind think suicide is the answer? We need more nutjobs like you Jon, which is exactly why Jenny loves you the way she does. I hope you get better soon x

    Jenny,
    Omfreakin’gawd I love you woman! Best support email ever. You really are the bestest 🙂
    .-= mesina´s last blog ..How to make his Valentine’s memorable =-.

  116. p.s. (pre-script) — Jenny… thank you. I needed that.

    Dear Jon,

    If you see a light at the end of the tunnel STEP AWAY. DONT GO TOWARDS THE LIGHT! Unless you’re trapped in a cave or something, in which case that’s the only way out so, do go towards the light. But that is besides the point; in actuality, please know that this passess for I am living testiment. Jenny is proof.

    And besides, if you died now, you’d miss out on the zombie apocalypse later.

    That’s a lot of fun to give up. Remember that.

    Hoping happiness–or at least a cute kitten–finds you,
    Rids

  117. I’ve known the pain of gut-twisting depression & considered suicide once. The pain of losing a loved one to a terminal illness was more than I could bear (we were *very* close). I never believed in drugs before that, but they saved my life, and I’m so glad that they did.

    Things do get better Jon, maybe not as quickly as we would hope, but they do.

    I love that Jewish Jon sends his grandma a nekkid Xmas (aka “the arrogant Xian holiday”) card. I’m with Angela, I would totally text Jon a pic of my aureola (erm, soon as I can figure out how to make my phone pic-sending thingie work).

  118. jenny,

    thanks. so, so much.

    i’ve felt this – like, almost there, so close to there – and your post, which i found randomly in the middle of the night, poking around the internet – may, honestly and completely, have saved my life – not now (tonight was ok, honestly,) but on some date in the future, when i will be so close to giving up (i always am!) but i remember to check to see what the misfits say, what jenny says.

    i can’t imagine the good that it did for jon, and i thank you, for humanity, for that. and of course for myself. and also for a friend of mine, who was very recently in this place – i sent it to her too. for everyone, for all of us. i know this is dramatic but i can’t seem to be effusive enough to express myself, here. thank you. you’ve changed the world, here. for serious.

  119. Jenny, this post and the letter are just all kinds of awesome. Been there, tried that, and wish I had more friends who could approach such a difficult topic with humour and a very particular type of grace. Thank you.
    On another note, it was a big step for me a few years ago when I took suicide “off the table” for myself. The logic may seem odd to some, but as a Christian, I reasoned that I had given my life to God, and it was no longer my own: I had no right to take it. For some reason, in some way, that was very liberating. It’s just not an option.
    Something else very enlightening was when my mum’s best friend’s son committed suicide a couple years ago (we just passed the anniversary) and I saw just how brutally it rocked his family; Auntie Wendy (Mum’s friend) is doing a lot better now, but it’s still just not the kind of thing from which a family ever, ever entirely recovers, and as dark as the hole gets…I try to remind myself that I love my family far too much to do that to them.
    .-= Heather´s last blog ..Quote of the Day =-.

  121. Dear Jon,
    Exactly a year ago,I hit rock bottom and I was busy planning my death.
    I gave a friend my e-mail and password for my facebook and blog and that was when she knew something was wrong.
    She called me, we talked. She told me the same thing Jenny wrote in her e-mail (only I don’t have any naked picture as a reindeer, ahem).
    And today, a year later, I could not be more grateful and happy about my choice to stay alive.
    Yes, life sucks.
    Yes, I do get suicidal at times.
    But, I don’t know how to explain this.
    Maybe I just don’t have the heart to upset those who care about me and love me.

  122. That is the best, most beautiful response letter I’ve ever read. How could we ever want to end our lives, when there are people so good and so filled with love and humor like you and Jon? Like so many others, I have had friends who were suicidal, and I so wish this is the letter I could have sent them. You are amazing for letting the world see this, because it’s obvious it will affect everyone in the most positive way.

    And Jon–listen to Jenny.

  123. Jon,
    Please stay strong and please stay alive. Life is full of so many wonderful things, and there is always something new to find around the corner. I’m in the 2nd year of depression, and while the “blackness” is seductive, and even sometimes reassuring, it DOES lie! The “blackness” does nothing but lie to us.

    This is my first time to this website, but not my last, and while I don’t know anyone who has commented here, I’m sad at the thought of losing any of you. The world needs people who still have feelings, who can be affected so deeply by the world around us, because there are too many people in the world who have no feelings at all anymore. The world needs people like you, Jon, to shout and scream when the world is unfair and heavy on our shoulders, someone who can laugh when the world is being ridiculous, someone who can help a friend when they are feeling low.

    When I’ve looked into the black pit, the darkness scares me more than the world I live in does, and I slowly walk away from the pit, make myself forget where I found it, and go the opposite direction. It’s not always easy, and it’s not always immediate gratification, but if I give it a bit of time, things always do feel better. If nothing else, the thought of my brother having to explain to my 4 year old niece why Aunt Angela can’t come over anymore, wrenches my brain back from the pit.

    Jon, please stay strong and please stay alive. We need you here.

  124. Thanks for this, Jenny.

    Jon – you’re not alone. I’m glad we didn’t lose you. I’m glad you’re a survivor.

  125. Being the contrarian that I am (I actually get payed to play Devil’s Advocate), I respectfully submit that there are some people this world would indeed be better off without: Osama Bin Laden, Adolph Hitler, carnies. And because those people don’t contemplate removing themselves, it’s even more incumbent upon the good ones to stay around filling the world with light. So, Jon — and the rest of you beautiful people — you owe us. And I am one bad-ass debt collector with an uncanny knack for fitting concrete boots. Don’t mess with Mommy.

  126. Oh Jenny, this was a tough one today. You are a good person and Jon…not many people have good people, and look at all of the good people! Misfits rock …feeling at home, whoot!

    And Jenny, before we even read this post you were our honoree today in our ongoing blog series , “You know you are/are not a cat person when…” Jon, since you sent a reindeer card, when, I guess that makes you a bit of an animal lover too. Welcome to the club. Should anyone else care to join, just send a picture on over and we will post it.

    If anyone else is having a bad time of it…just say so. I’m sure we can collectively virtually cheer you up!
    .-= LookieLou´s last blog ..You know you ARE a “Cat Person” when… =-.

  128. Having been in the black hole before, I know the last thing anyone needs is more guilt and more sadness. So, think of the awesome t-shirts you’ll never be able to wear because you’ll be worm food!

    T-shirts are the answer. Besides, if your brain is going to tell you ridiculous lies – make them good ones. Instead of “I’m a terrible _____ and if I wasn’t here my family could move on and find a better _____” say “I am the world’s most awesome ______ and it doesn’t matter that I’m fucked up. All my family would get is a more fucked up _______ if I weren’t here.”
    .-= Cyndi´s last blog ..going to Kindergarten =-.

  129. God I hate that damn black hole. I call it the Celtic Well because I thought it was related to my wild Irish genetics. Seems it cuts across much more than genetics. But many times handholds have magically appeared and lifelines have spiraled down from the distant white circle above my head and I have crawled out, slimy and blind, into the arms of loved ones who would be crushed beyond recognition had I left this plane of existence too soon, by my own devices. Keep climbing toward that circle of light no matter what. Jenny, you have done so much for your bloggy friends. Those wings are getting huge!
    .-= Linnnn´s last blog ..Breaking Up Is Hard To Do: The Tumor Speaks =-.

  130. thank you. thank you for writing that. it’s actually the first time i enter your blog, and really, i though it was just coincidence because joy the baker recomended it. but after reading this post i already subscribed to it.

    i cutted myself last week, not with suicidal incinations, but still, i was hurting so much that i considered killing myself, and that was not the first time in my life that it happens, but was the first time in my life that i had the courage to stop and say “ok no, that’s not a good idea”.

    but thank you again for the post, i too feel like a jon now.

  131. Long time lurker here, but I had to comment. I’ve been there. The black hole. You can come out again. You can. And thank God Jon gets to try. He will come out again, I’m sure. God bless.

  133. You know how when you’re putting a puzzle together and there are all these pieces and some of them are turned over and all they show is a blank side but then you flip them over and it’s all colorful and interesting and so you assemble it and when you are almost done, you notice there is one piece missing and you’re sooooo annoyed by that, because it ruins the Thomas Kinkade monstrosity (if it is even possible to ruin something that is already horrible) so you lift the boxes up a thousands times and shake them and then you sort of half-ass look on the floor, but you don’t see it, so then you actually get down on hands and knees to find it, because come hell or high water you’re going to finish those fuzzy-glow elf huts, and you start to stare at that hole and think if you had the right kind of cardboard maybe you could make a replacement piece but you know it will never fit exactly right, it will be all warped and wobbly, and the half of a lantern you draw on it with the two crayons you found under the rug while you were looking for the puzzle piece won’t look like all the other lanterns and nothing is going to be right without that piece and you feel cheated and you’re so pissed off you want to put the whole thing in the bathtub and pour vodka on it and set it on fire, but you can’t because your Grandmamma gave you that puzzle the Christmas right before she died and it’s all you have left of her because you already used up the giant jug of bubble bath?

    Jon, you’re that piece.
    .-= Lynne´s last blog ..Welcome to The Peach Pen! =-.

  137. Bloggess – It’s nice that, every once in a while, you remind us that amidst the void of your mind that includes James Garfield, Diet Dr. Pepper and – for some reason – Twitter “what are you doing?” questions, that you do indeed have a good heart and soul. This is where you and I differ, but whatever.

    Good luck going forward, Jon.
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Doggone Excuses =-.

  139. Damn straight. Jon? If it’s not completely ridiculous, we feel like we know you just from the comments you leave here. And we would miss you. Please know that even people you’ve never met are rooting for you, and maybe even kicking your ass mentally a tiny bit. But out of love.

    Jenny’s right. Misfits unite! If the blog world has given us anything, it’s the knowledge that we’re not alone. Well, also porn.
    .-= jenn´s last blog ..I’ve Decided That This Makes Me a Trophy Wife =-.

  140. Jon, if you see this, please note that I’d like a christmas ecard as well. Or an easter ecard, as christmas is like 11months from now. And animal nudity is compulsory. In return, I would send you a new shirt IF the bloggess ruins it because she loves you too much (I hope it won’t come to that again).

  141. Suicide is a gapping wound that never ever heals, The permanent solution to a tempoarary problem. My beloved 15 YO daughter chose to end her life one night after a bad day, A fight with her best friend, her boy friend, she did make the drill team and had a bad report card, Minor stuff but to a 15 Yo a tragedy beyond imagining. It left us, all of us her dad and I , brother sister friends all broken bleeding and scarred for life. We picked up the pieces and went on, we had to , but life lost so much of it’s joy. Today nearly 9 years later my youngest has graduated high school but my son shattered by his inability to protect his beloved baby sister never completed college. My husband ‘s health failed due to diabetes, stress does that. I taught a fews more years but retired easly to care for my husband. Suicide still touches us everyday.

  142. Sometimes I describe it as “the Thing that thinks behind my thoughts.” But you’re stronger than that, Jon. Get well or I’ll punch you, too.
    .-= Cat´s last blog ..IS =-.

  143. Only once in my life I have felt that way. Like there was no where else to go but there. Luckily someone made me lean on them. Its amazing to find out how strong other people can be for you when you find you have no strength left. Good luck Jon.

  146. Suicide only hurts you for a second – but it hurts the ones that love you for eternity! This can not be the legacy you want to leave….we dance on this cosmic stage called life for but a second – so when you stumble – JUST MAKE IT PART OF THE DANCE! Chin up brother!
    -Rob

  148. I am so glad that you were able to email him – that he didn’t succeed in ending his life. I hope he sees how much pain he’d leave behind.

    Often it’s the people who seem all light and fun that are holding dark thoughts and secrets. I wish more people realised that if you share your fears it’s not a weakness. Let others help you. Because suicide is so final. There isn’t a do-over. And things CAN always get better. Just because you can’t see the light, doesn’t mean it’s not there.
    .-= pixielation´s last blog ..Pants on the floor? No star for you! =-.

  150. I’m a suicide survivor…and now I can’t use it as an option, because my asshole ex-husband continually molests our daughters, but has REALLY great lawyers and tends not to leave physical evidence. I’m the ONLY person who’s watching him, monitoring what he’s doing, and therefore my girls’ only hope for escape. Sometimes, the black hole makes me want to curl into a ball and die, too. I see my 2 year old coming home with fingerprint bruises on her hips and lower back and I want to SCREAM and CRY and yes, DIE, because I’ve tried everything, everything, everything to stop him and I can’t. I just can’t. But if I die, he wins. He gets unfettered long term access to them. And that I cannot have.

    I have a reason to live, even when I want to die. Find yours, Jon. You can do it. Find a reason.

    Also, @Jess and in re naked Christmas cards to be sent to Jon…seriously, you must have a better body than I do, because I think that would totally prompt another suicide attempt. It’s NOT pretty. 😛
    .-= Jennet´s last blog ..Fun with Transsexuals =-.

  151. My friend says that suicide is just transferring the pain to someone else. You leave it for the people who are still living. That helps me. And yes, it is true that if someone commits suicide it gives the rest of us permission. Not Good. EVERY thing is temporary. Now I just sleep. Sleep and dream and do everything that redirects my thoughts.

  152. This is the first post on your blog I’ve read and can I just say that I love you? Hehe.
    This is the kind of thing I wish I’d had the chance to say to my good friend who killed himself in August.
    Listen to her, Jon, please.

  153. Thank you for still being real about it. Most people try to sugar coat thier feelings and just say that everything will be better, blah, blah, blah.

    Don’t let suicide be the reason you find out so many people love you. If you are having a hard time…reach out. Someone will be there to take your hand.
    .-= Cara´s last blog ..Video Monday – Axe Detailer =-.

  155. Why does no one ever stop to consider that their emotional blackmail encouraging someone to resist the temption of suicide is an arrogant conceit that is virtually always based on how upset that person will be if the suicide is successful?

    There are many ‘reasons’ for considering suicide; only one reason for refraining from it.

    Life is only worthwhile when there is something of value to make it worth living otherwise it’s empty and meaningless drudgery. Yet those offering support against suicide don’t experience that person’s life 24/7; sometimes living for the sake of living alone isn’t enough to keep a person wanting to live.

    Sometimes there are no feasible alternative future prospects so that continuing a life devoid of any meaningful content is unbearable. Sometimes you don’t need a crystal ball to work out that the future is going to be a process of deterioration, whether that’s for health or lifestyle reasons, becoming an ever more tenuous absurdity before it eventually collapses beneath you. At what point does someone say ‘enough’?

    I sincerely wish Jon a long life full of value and meaning.

  156. I’m glad Jon is still alive! I had a friend who succeeded on his first attempt, after returning from a deployment to Iraq. Turns out a disproportionate number of young males in the military are, especially after a deployment. I still feel like I should have been able to do something, and I still miss him 7 years later.

  159. Jon – wherever you are, you are not alone. Feels like it, yes, but that is a lie. Sending love and prayers.

    Jenny – thanks for sharing this experience. It’s a wonderful reminder that we are all responsible to reach out to others.

    Simone – stop being so mushy.
    .-= Simone´s last blog ..Award show season is in full swing =-.

  160. Jenny,
    The dark place isn’t the end. It’s where people go to hide with no intention of being found. Once you’ve been there, it’s actually harder to interact normally because you’ve ostracized a part of yourself. Relating to people is a greater challenge. Most people find their way out without actually ever having to speak to a shrink and without dosing themselves up with anti-depressants. But sometimes, a few people don’t understand why you leave that dark place. In a fit of despair, he or she may only see one or two options. In giving your readers a chance to contribute, you’ve given Jon a gazillion shining examples of how and why he is neither alone nor without those that empathize from experience. Pat yourself on the back, because you rock 😉

    Jon,
    Proof that you have no business dwelling in a dark part of your mind is right here. Aside frolm the reasons stated above…I am pretty sure I’ll be POed if I dont ever see another Christmas Card…my Mom even likes them 😉 Christmas cards aside. There is no situation mandating that decision, there is only learning how to find your way out of a dark shitty place, and right now you have a whole buttload of people willing to help 😉

    Be well. Smile….and pretend everyone isn’t wearing pants, and you’ll always find time to smile 😉

    -Tony
    Sorry for the long post 😉
    .-= Tony´s last blog ..How to lose control of your country… =-.

  161. I think the black hole sucks at all of us. It sucks some of us in more deeply than others and some people just do a better job of reaching over and flipping on the light when the blackness gets too dark. But I challenge you to find anyone who’s never thought it would just be easier to not be here anymore. Easier for them maybe but certainly not easier for the ones who are left behind. It’s hard to keep putting one foot in front of the other when you can’t find the light, but if you do eventually you’ll start to see that first small glimmer of brightness and then the walking gets easier. Reach out and someone will be there to help you along. I forget who posted it above, but depression, darkness whatever you want to call it DOES lie.

    Jon – Glad you’re still with us. The world would miss you terribly if you were gone. I don’t know you personally, and I don’t always read all the comments here (I know, I know, I slapped my own wrist and put myself in a timeout for that), but I think this quote sums up what a lot of people ahead of me have written. It is of course from Rent, because apparently I am incapable of quoting anything other than Rent. Ever. It’s a sickness. I’m sure there’s a 12 Step program for it somewhere. Anywho, the quote: “You always said how lucky you were that we were all friends. But it was us, baby, who were the lucky ones.”
    .-= Yet Another Jess´s last blog ..Insert a title without a curse word here….because I can’t come up with one that doesn’t include fuck. =-.

  162. We ARE all we have.

    Jon – you’re wonderful. Let us creeps & weirdos & misfits guide you out of your next black hole, & don’t ever forget we’re all pulling for you…for eachother. We love you!

    Jenny – you’re wonderful, too, in so many bizarre, twisted, lovely ways. You’re unending sense of humor & compassion for all people makes me proud to know of you…gives me some faith in humanity. You’re a slice of sunshine for so many of us misfits, & I’m sure I can speak for us all when I say we adore you, & thank you!
    .-= Ambry´s last blog ..OH HI!!! =-.

  164. Ahhh you totally made me cry at my desk. I hope Jon is able to read it, and thank you for posting it. Even when everything is dark, eventually, it will get light again. And we all need to hang in there and remind each other of that. xoxo.

  165. My cousin comitted suicide and my great-grandmother who raised him and me both never got over it…she was always a little sad from then on….

    thanks for being here
    .-= Tatyana´s last blog ..Dejected =-.

  166. Nine weeks ago, on the Friday after Thanksgiving, the woman I was in love with and had been seeing for seven months killed herself by taking an overdose of what we believe were her antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication. She had suffered from bipolar and anxiety disorders for 30 years, and the “hole” of which you speak finally caught up to her. She had attempted suicide a few times before, but never with such determination and lack of warning or cry for help.

    I wish your friend all the luck in the world in staying out of the hole. You and he should know that while those of us that do not suffer from these disorders cannot ever understand what you feel, when we love you we will always be willing to deal with the issues that arise. Hiding your condition and feelings will only isolate you from whatever help might be available. Use the support from your loved ones.

  167. in october of 2008 i lied to my doctor about being suicidal, or ever having feelings of suicide. you know, that questionnaire where they have to ask you all that pointless shit before they medicate you?

    lucky for me i was not in that place of *ick* and was sound enough to know that this was the point where i needed some massive intervention.

    because i have 3 + 2 kids (another story, another day)…i mean, wtf?! what was wrong with me? that is what i was so ashamed of: that even though i KNEW that i would devastate so many people, and so many futures, i still had THE thoughts.

    so these are stories that i will hold in my heart, if there ever comes a time when i fall far enough down and lose the desire to come back to the surface.

    jenny. you and your humour reeled me in…and your transparency softens my heart…through you, and the people who surround our corner of crazy…i do not feel alone. or ashamed.

    and i no longer hesitate to share with people the fact that i take medication and therapy for my depression and anxiety disorder. fuck them if they don’t get it. i refuse to stand with my head hung for that which i cannot rid myself of.

    at least i’m not humourless. then i would be so totally fucked.

    *to everyone who commented here…and this is the first time i’ve made a point to read you all…you are brave for sharing your stories. i envy your ability to hold fierce to not feeling shame.*

    and to jon, who brought so many of us forward…do you have to eat with sporks? i can’t find them anywhere. i think sporks are kick ass. because when you can’t choose…specifically for rice dishes…sporks would be awesome.

    find some peace, dude. the world is a better place with you in it.

    andrea

  169. John needs to get better and give you permission to share that photo with the rest of us, because it sounds like something that needs to be seen. And he sounds like someone that needs to keep on keepin’ on because he has so much to offer to the world.

    There is so much hope in this world. Never lose it.
    .-= Erin´s last blog ..Zoe’s Story =-.

  170. JON!!! There is no internet in the afterlife!! Therefore, there is no daily Bloggess fix. You don’t want to go down like that, man.

    Jenny, you are an angel. A twisted, perverted angel.
    .-= LizzB (@hereslizz)´s last blog ..The Big One =-.

  172. Please stay alive. Something good might happen next, you might finally get to the easy part and it would be a shame to miss that after all the shit, eh?

  173. Jon,
    If you do manage to exterminate yourself . . . . . could I borrow the reindeer sock for my Christmas card photographs next year?
    I’ll give it back to you when I’m done ——– Oh, ….fuck. That won’t work so well, will it…?
    Maybe you should just give it to me, in case I can’t find your … . . . forwarding address.

    Warmest regards,
    RDC

  174. I so wish I would have known you almost two years ago. And I hope Jon knows that there is always someone that cares and will hurt if he’s gone. We should all be fortunate that his attempt was unsuccessful. Not all of us have been lucky enough to get a second chance.
    .-= Margaret´s last blog ..Nothing too new =-.

  176. People who never get depressed are are too dumb to live. Maybe they’re the ones that SHOULD consider suicide. Meanwhile, the rest of us have to fight our way through those black holes – mostly with the help of humor and friendship. I was hospitalized with a serious post-partum depression when my son was born. I didn’t think I’d ever smile again, until some friends stopped by the loony bin with a game of scrabble, and insisted that I play. When I found myself laughing, I realized I was going to get better. Which I did – and ended up becoming one of the world’s all-time-greatest moms. If I do say so myself!

  180. Jon, I don’t know you, but I don’t need to in order to tell you that even if you don’t feel loved, wanted, worth anything, etc., you’re wrong. There is always someone who wants you alive, just because you’re you. The most selfish thing you can do to the world is to take yourself out of it.
    Best of luck on the recovery. 🙂
    .-= Jessa´s last blog ..A Brief Letter =-.

  181. Thanks Jenny.
    When I get together with people, I am always the weird one. I’m not good with people even though I want to be. I try. I even try to not try too hard. No matter what, I feel like I am the one no one likes. It’s sad, and I’m lonely. Most times the only thing that keeps me trying is thinking that there HAS to be someone that gets me. I don’t know….Just thanks Jenny, for this post and for always making me laugh.
    I’m glad Jon is still around. He’s really lucky to have a friend like you.

  183. Ms. Bloggess, you are as wise as you are funny. And for Joanna, the daughter of Dr. Reid Wilson, I hope you see this so that you can personally thank your father for me. I have a very well-used old copy of Don’t Panic, and of all the many (many!) self-help books I tried to help myself out of debilitating panic attacks, this is the one that really helped. True, I did end up at a psychologist’s office, and started taking anti-anxiety medication, but if not for that book, I never would have had the courage to even try. I can’t even remember when I had a panic attack last–it has been years. There was a time that I thought that statement was impossible. It has been so long, in fact, that hearing your father’s name and the name of the book (or The Book as I think of it) was like hearing something from another world, a long time ago.

    If any of you reading this suffer from anxiety and panic, buy the book. I see there is a new edition, and although (thank heavens!) I no longer need it, I’m going to buy it as a thank you, and maybe there will be a day that I can hand it to someone who needs it right then and there.
    .-= KathiD´s last blog ..More shopping ops! =-.

  184. Jenny, you are so strong to be able to be so strong for him. Because laughter isn’t always easy, you know? But I’m certain he laughed as I laughed and remember my friend, Tim. ah, god.
    .-= just-beth´s last blog ..Twiddled =-.

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  187. Jenny, it’s a beautiful thing you’ve done for Jon, an irreplaceable person.

    I fall down that hole too sometimes and when I do, I volunteer my time. I might be feeling worthless, but they find value in me and after a while, I see the worth too.

  189. i would actually nominate that for “BEST letter ever” in the category of “the exact right thing to write to a dear friend who almost lost their way”. funny, sincere and heart felt. what better way to let someone know how you really feel?
    we should all be so lucky to have a friend like you. all the best to jon…
    .-= steff´s last blog ..‘Cause it’s the little things… That do us harm =-.

  190. I think I’m coming late to this post, but I need to share this…

    My 17 yr old cousin took her own life last May. Her mother came home and found her. My family is still reeling. There is now a monster who lives in my head who will most likely never move out. My son has been thru counseling at Stein Hospice and is still not ok. He’s 13, they grew up together basically like siblings. He will never be okay either. There aren’t even words for what my aunt is going thru – and will be going thru for the rest of her life.

    Suicide is NOT an option – ever.

    If anyone who reads this post needs a reason to stick around, email me – I’ve got a big ol’ list I can share with you. I don’t have to know you for it to be relevant. More people love you – ALL of you – than you can even begin to imagine. That hole may seem dark and bottomless, but I *guarantee* there is light if you let it be.

    ((BIG HUGS)) to Jon. I’m so glad you didn’t leave!! I hope you’re able to feel the love you need to get thru this!!!

  191. Send him the picture of the baby chicken with the penis coming out of its sternum! That’ll cheer him up.
    Won’t it? Or maybe not.
    Because it’s disturbing and violent.
    I’m inappropriate, aren’t I.
    Shit.
    Maybe?
    It would sure as hell make me laugh.
    Then again, in a hospital full of psych doctors, laughing hysterically at a baby with an alien penis with teeth poking out of its chest probably isn’t the best indicator that treatment is working.

    So. No on the chicken?

  192. I’ve been where Jon is and… it sucked. It really did. Then something wonderful happened. I had a friend who figured it out and told her mother. She rescued me and made me see what I had missed… I am worth loving – warts and all… and man do I have warts!

    This too shall pass and it won’t be easy…but anything worth having/being seldom is.

  193. I’ve been to that precipice myself, and lost a best friend and an aunt (and almost a father) who decided to take that leap. Jenny, you are so right about how suicide effects the loved ones left behind. Depression shits the bed. I’ve struggled with it for years. We have to make light of what we can, keep ourselves and each other laughing, and never be afraid to reach out when we really need help (I’m still working on that one myself).

    Holding Jon in thoughts and prayers….

  195. Jenny – Thank you for not tip-toeing around with shmoopy words of rainbows and glitter and unicorns. Sometimes we need to be told to “Straighten the fuck up!” Thank you from all of us that have been there.

    Jon – Dig in. Grab hold and don’t let go. There are good and bad cycles and if you hunker down and don’t budge, it will run it’s course. Listen to the doctors, and most importantly, listen to Jenny. She’s a wise weirdo.
    .-= dawn´s last blog ..Picture Day! =-.

  196. Great email Jenny. That’s what I would want to hear from a good friend.

    I too fall into that black hole, I’ve spent a lot of time in there. Disturbing as it is, it feels like home. Like who I am when I’m that way, in there, that’s the real me. But that’s the lie I suppose. I’ve considered ending it all so many times I don’t even know anymore. It’s sad yet comforting to know so many people struggle in the same way. You just have to hold on, hope for and make better days happen.

    Jon, so glad you are still with us.

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  201. This post hit home pretty hard and at a pretty appropriate time. My stepson just came home from the hospital where he spent a week and a half because he didn’t think he could deal with a life time of feeling so sad. And we’re lucky that he’s fine physically, and now for the long term of keeping him stable emotionally, so he never feels suicide is his only option.

    Amazing post, Jenny.

  203. This past August my son’s father (my ex) committed suicide. He called his parents (who lived right down the street from him) and told them that he loved them and that he couldn’t take the pain anymore. (He injured his back in a horse riding accident) As they were running to his house they heard the gun go off. His Dad went into the house and found his body.

    I can’t begin to express the pain, hurt and anger that all who loved him feel. My heart aches for him, knowing that he was in that kind of pain, in that dark of a place that he felt like suicide was his only option.

    I hope that John recovers and realizes that his life is worth living and that he has people (like you…that letter was AMAZING!!!) in his life who love him and are willing to hlep!

    I hope he realizes what kind of a friend that you really are!! I want to thank you for writing him that letter! You might have been responsible for (helping to) saving his life. I also hope that your depression gets easier to deal with!

    God bless you both!
    .-= Dionne´s last blog ..Let me rephrase that………. =-.

  204. Jenny, you are awesome and I want to meet you and be your BFF and I’ll even massage your feet despite having this weird thing about feet and toes where I find it difficult to even say the words “feet” and “toes”. I’ll do it anyway. For you.

    I too have been down this road waaay too many times, and I now try to remember that I am not alone in this. I think your email is going to help many, many people.

    Jon, I hope you’re getting better.
    .-= Mary @ Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..Family Night =-.

  205. I know it’s almost a month later but I had to visit this post again because my uncle committed suicide just last week. It shocked all of us so much. Apparently, he was facing impending legal problems (also a huge shock to everyone who knew him) and wanted to spare his family the pain and embarrassment of a trial, possible jail time, etc. As if that were the worse option.
    People, please: there is NO problem you’re facing that is so horrible that the only way out is the Only Way Out. The circumstances behind my uncle’s death were Awful and Horrible. But we’d still want him here. Instead we have to sit around and continually wonder, “Why?” And it sucks beyond the telling of it.

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  208. I know I’m about as late as it gets. But I wanna say thanks for trying, Jenny. I know too well how hard it is to walk the line between appropriate and not when trying to talk to a suicidal friend. I know how you want to cheer them up, but you’re afraid that maybe they just don’t want to hear it, maybe you’re just making things worse. I always take the same approach you did, and it never feels like it’s enough. So when I next need to help my friends, I’m sending them here to all you beautiful people. Because you’re a much better help than I think I could ever be. Thank you.

  209. I’m teetering on the edge of that fucking black hole again. I don’t want to fall in. I’ve been there before and I hate it, so I’m reading your words and reminding myself that someone who doesn’t even know me thinks I’m special. I’m irreplaceable. That will be my mantra this evening. I am irreplaceable.

  210. Thank you for this. You are wonderful. The people who comment here are wonderful. I feel safe here, especially when I am teetering on the edge of the Black Hole myself. I was able to step back from it once again this week. It’s still there though. It’s always there. Stay strong . Keep fighting.

  211. I used to live in the black hole. I feel ya, seriously. Suicide Sucks, mucho big time to the third power. No, scratch that, to infinity and beyond. I’ve been on both sides of the suicide equation, wanting to die (for years) and losing friends. I’m about to release a free resource for people who lost someone to suicide. The pain of depression and the pain of grief after suicide is so real, so harsh. But there is hope. The fact I’m still walking, talking, cursing and laughing is proof. Cyber hugs to all of you in pain or coping with loss. Peace.

  212. There are times that I just scream without no reason and feels like my mind is going to explode any second.Later On, I discover that I’m suffering from anxiety.Its really hard to have this kind of mental illness ‘coz you cant predict when will it attack.

  213. When I was 32 and in the throes of withdrawal from pain meds I decided that my family would be better off without me. We had recently had the miracle of twins after six years of infertility, and I was horrified that I couldn’t be happy all the time (hence the drugs). My husband is handicapped and couldn’t help physically, and I was exhausted and freaked out and hated myself. I went out to the garage and turned the car on. What saved me was that I could hear our 14 month old girls screaming and banging on the door for Mommy and it broke my heart, but in a good way. I got out of the car, got help, went to treatment, and got strong though NA and all the courageous people out there dealing with life without drugs and alcohol. That strength has now taken me through the wonderful world of incurable, debilitating disease, but now I know how to fight it when I think my family would be better off without me. I love everything you wrote during this crisis, and again – as I have many times – I thank God that you are in the world because you touch so many people. Love you so much.

  214. Yesterday I was on my way out into the woods to get it done. I was as deep in my black hole as I’ve ever been. But you saved med, and compelled me to call my mom, who managed to talk med down. Today is better. Not much, but I’ve been reading the words of others in similar situations, and it helps. And this blog helps. So, thank you. Thanks to your words I get to keep it up. 5 minutes at the time. You keep it up, and keep it together, and I will too.

    (Sorry if the English is strange. Norwegian, and tired, and still under the effects of seroquel..)

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