Dear Google: Stop trying to help. You’re making it worse.

in bizarre, Just sad, mixing medications, Posts that will get me hate mail, Random Crap, stuff better left unpublished, why the terrorists hate us

This morning someone asked me why there are 12 days of Christmas.  And honestly, I have no fucking idea.  So I decided to google it and then I stabbed myself in the head.  Why? Because I don’t want to live in a world where so many people are asking Google ridiculous questions that Google is all “Oh, stop right there.  I already know exactly what you’re going to ask”.  And you know what, Google?  You obviously don’t know what I’m going to ask if you’re jumping to these conclusions:

Um...what?

And yes, Google, I realize that this is less of a judgement that you’re making about me and more of a result of the hordes of dumb people using you but maybe you could wait until I finish the question before you jump to some horrific conclusion about what I’m asking.  Or not.

Not. Helpful.

Honestly, at this point I was a little offended.  But I kept going, thinking that this would eventually have to stop.

Are you fucking kidding me?

And now I’m just baffled.  Where on earth are there so many ostriches that we need to google it? I honestly don’t know.  But what I do know is that after reading that all I can think of is that it would suck to live there and I couldn’t concentrate because I couldn’t stop wondering why this was even a suggested question and so then I had to google “why are there so many ostriches” just to see what would happen.  And then *BAM* I just became part of the problem. WTF, me? And you know what I learned?  Nothing.  It took me to this web page about ostriches where I learned that ostriches have been clocked going really fast.  Direct quote:

“It had probably just huffed a cheetah kitten (sends you through a psychedelic wonderland at like a kajillion mph and ur not even halfway there. Despite this ability to run like the wind, the ostrich cannot lay claim to performing what any fast running bird-like creature ought to be able to do – take-off.  They have fat asses and abnormally small brains but they are kinda smart. This inability to pass from the running stage to the take-off mode is considered to be a design fault that may lead to the eventual extinction of this oversized dodo. They are kinda smart, but DO NOT, DO NOT, let an ostrich kick you, it will completely FUCK YOU UP.   IT WILL SHATTER ALL THE BONES IN YOUR BODY AND MAKE YOU BE PITYED BY MR. T, THUS INCREASING THE INJURY. DO NOT GET KICKED BY AN OSTRICH. I AM TELLING YOU, IT WILL FUCK YOU UP.”

So yeah.  There’s that.

PS.  I still don’t know why there are 12 days of Christmas.  I don’t even care any more.  I’m going to lie down and cry now.  Someone fix Google.

Comment of the day: I started to Google ‘I like’ and the following came up:  “I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger”.  Preaching to the choir, my friend. Preaching to the choir. ~ moooooog35

260 thoughts on “Dear Google: Stop trying to help. You’re making it worse.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. There are 12 days of Christmas because Something Special happened on each day. Or rather, throughout the span of days. I rewrote that bit of the gospels on my bournal over Christmas. I neglected to mention the bit about the ostriches, though.
    .-= cenobyte´s last blog ..And another thing. =-.

  5. “They are kinda smart, but DO NOT, DO NOT, let an ostrich kick you, it will completely FUCK YOU UP. IT WILL SHATTER ALL THE BONES IN YOUR BODY AND MAKE YOU BE PITYED BY MR. T, THUS INCREASING THE INJURY. DO NOT GET KICKED BY AN OSTRICH. I AM TELLING YOU, IT WILL FUCK YOU UP.”

    Girl, you have competition.

  8. Since I have absolutely zero solution on how to fix Google, and if you’re not part of the solution you’re part of the problem, I’m going to have to Google and find out why exactly there aren’t cats in the Bible. Curious, very curious.
    .-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Tuesday Trivia: Books =-.

  10. “Why are there school?” Because there is problems with your language skills.

    The 12 days of Christmas are the 12 days between Christmas and Epiphany (on January 6) when the Magi show up and give those gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh to baby Jesus.

  11. The thing that bothered me most about that paragraph is that there was no closing parenthesis. IT JUST LEFT ME HANGING IN THE INCOHERENCY. Gah.

    And the answer to “why are there school” is clearly “so people can learn and not write their questions so grammatically incorrect.” obviously. It’s a self-perpetuating cycle, really.
    .-= Kelly L´s last blog ..no romance > bad romance =-.

  15. I had to go find out what it said about why are blacks so loud. Living in the South and personally having many black friends, I have asked this question to them. The answer, in not so many words, was because the loudest gets heard. Most of them were from large families. Makes total sense to me!
    .-= Jess´s last blog ..Random Tuesday Already?! =-.

  16. WOW! I have seen your links on twitter for a while but have never clicked until know. Hysterical. I’m going to use this to procrastinate now…LMAO

  22. Wow, Bri, why didn’t we all know that? In Spain, they do gifts on Jan. 6th instead of Dec. 25th. Makes more sense for the gifts to go with the gifts of the magi than the birth of Jesus, right?

    As usual, you made me laugh, Bloggess.
    .-= Rose´s last blog ..Is My Baby a Picky Eater? =-.

  23. Ok, I’m just dying here at the “why are black people so loud”! I can’t fathom how that’s been googled so many times that it suggests it for you. Though now that I think about it…I kind of want to know why.

  25. No cats in the bible = God hates cats.

    My ex-boyfriend hates cats = my ex-boyfriend is God.

    Wow. That’s what he kept trying to tell me.

  29. I was going to feel cool for once and give a smart, correct answer, but Bri beat me to it. Now I have to go take my frustration out on a small animal. So look what you’ve done Bri, you’ve killed a kitten.
    .-= meghann´s last blog ..A homeschooling blip =-.

  30. Google’s number one under “why does…” is “why does my vag smell”. I think I’m going to burn my computer now.

  31. I’d like a pet ostrich… and I think I’ll say it loud…b/c I’m black and I’m proud. ….. …..Yuup. <that JUST happened.

  32. Why are there so many songs about rainbows? And why is “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” the only one that I can actually think of?
    .-= Marinka´s last blog ..Bagel Half =-.

  36. Am I the only one who totally wants to make out with Kermit right now? I don’t mean that in a Lady Gaga way, ps. That’s just weird. Besides, Lady Bugs rule. Now where is that frog tongued fiend?
    .-= Elly Lou´s last blog ..FrankenBarbie =-.

  37. If you type “how to” into the google search box, the first suggestion that comes up is, “how do you get pregnant?” If you have to look up how to get pregnant on google, please, for the love of god, do NOT get pregnant.

  38. Google is the epitome of stupid. And I am pretty sure it is racist. They sent someone to my blog when they searched “Jesus take me now.”
    Google… I am pretty sure if they are looking for jesus and you sent them to me… you are fail. Fail google, fail.

    Thanks for the great post.
    .-= mepsipax´s last blog ..Hey dj one more time =-.

  39. This is the first post of yours I have read. Thank you for being so hilarious. 😛

  41. There are no cats in The Bible because Bible-people masturbated a lot. And everytime – and I mean EVERYTIME – someone masturbates, God kills a kitten. I learned that on the internet. Not in school. So “Why are there school” is a legitimate question.

    Another reason there are no cats in The Bible is because The Bible does not take place in Narnia.
    .-= Bad Guy Zero´s last blog ..I’m Pretty Sure This Is How The Swiss Do It… =-.

  42. I had to try this myself so I typed “why” and the first two things I got were “why do men have nipples” (fair question) and “why does my vag smell”. It’s a little scary that enough people are Googling (Googleing?) “why does my vag smell” that it beat out “why is the sky blue”. I also got “why can’t I own a canadian”.
    .-= Jennie´s last blog ..There’s Comfort in Routine =-.

  45. That “why are there school” question pretty much answers itself, doesn’t it?

    Oh, and there are 12 days between Christmas and Epiphany.
    .-= Steve´s last blog ..#122 Intangible =-.

  49. i think it might be specific to each person. i am pressing manfriend for a ring (i am almost thirty. i want a g.d. wedding) so when i start asking google a question i get “why did i get married”, “how to make my boyfriend propose”,”how to get pregnant” (um really?)…so i am pretty sure google is just rubbing my little nose in it.

    it is a spiteful google.
    .-= jessalyn´s last blog ..lesson learned. =-.

  52. It has dropped out of the top suggestions, but a month or so ago one of the top suggestions as you started typing ‘why’ was, “Why won’t my parakeet eat my diarrhea?” Only the parakeet knows.
    .-= Andy´s last blog ..It Only Took 12 Years =-.

  53. I’m in love with the “why are there two l’s in Google” question. I want to meet the person that actually managed to make it on to the Google site but still managed to ask that question.
    .-= Jessalee´s last blog ..Faulty Plumbing =-.

  54. I think what Jett is trying to say, is that the ostrich is like the fucking Chuck Norris of birds.
    .-= statia´s last blog ..Wood =-.

  55. Awesome post. If you want to be really angry at Google, try typing in “How can”. The first search option is something I would hope no one searches, let along a whole bunch of people. World, what is wrong with you?
    .-= Mary´s last blog ..Seismologist Dr. Qinya Liu =-.

  56. I just tried it and ended up wandering away from the original Christmas question by things like “why are anadians afraid of the dark” and “why are the montreal canadians called the habs”

    Jenny you give me an endless supply of things to make me look busy at my desk and for that I thank you. Even though I don’t think you’ll read this. Cause I’m a Canadian. Sorry.

  60. I played this game for an hour and a half at work on Friday. My favorites is “why” becomes “why can’t I buy a Canadian?”, and “why does my vag smell?”. There are no words. THERE ARE NO WORDS.

  61. Oh ma gawd. This… this had me in tears, I was laughing SO hard at work where today I totally need it. Then I promptly flipped open Google and started typing. Seems some of your readers are trying to help you out because when you get to ‘why are there…’ you see ‘why are there 12 days of Christmas’ but HOLY CRAP the other things?! I mean really!?
    .-= Christina´s last blog ..GO Little Baby Horsies =-.

  62. Of course there were cats in the bible, but they ate them all on that 20 years trip through the Sinai desert with Moises. But they edited that part out. Would YOU follow a religion that eats cats?

  63. Your 12 days of Christmas question was answered on this very website by “Simone” (comment 59) after your blog on using lamb-blasted UNcorrectly and your 12 days of christmas carol video.

    why do i retain this sort of information? geez. help me.

    well, i remember reading it and commenting on it to my family without checking to see if it were true (then i would have found all these goofy googLLy questions out for myself a month ago), so i had to go scour your previous posts until i found it to tell you about it.

    now it is between you and simone. hope simone doesn’t not send an angry ostrich after me….

  64. So, since I now had to know much, I went to Google – and the suggestions now have Why are there 12 days of Christmas. So, you fixed Google!

  65. ‘where are there school’?!!
    So many people have googled this question with a glaring grammatical error?
    This is what’s wrong with the world.
    That, and the gratuitous lack of cats in the bible
    .-= Prosy´s last blog ..Only In The South =-.

  66. Most puzzling at quick glance “why are there two ls in google?” That’s super extra puzzling.

    I promise not to pay attention to google suggestions. Clearly the google-bot doesn’t get it.

  67. I would suggest bing, but their commercials are unclear. I don’t want you running around shouting “Twelve Days of Christmas! Twelve Angry Men! Angry Video Game Nerd! Video of Snooki Getting Punched! Snooki’s Cookies! Cookie Monster talking to An Alien! Alien-Penis Impaling Chicken-Baby!”

    Seriously though, what is bing trying to sell here? Cuz they can put it away…I don’t want any of that.
    .-= Christine@ The Dishy´s last blog ..Daily Dish: Takin’ it 2 da Streetz =-.

  68. Now I’ve got “The Rainbow Connection” song running through my head. Love you Kermit the Frog! It starts out “Why are there so many songs about rainbows.” Check it out – it’s a great song from “The Muppet Movie.”

  71. Well, that settles it: I need to take kicking lessons from an ostrich. Because I need to be able to break every single bone in a person’s body with a single kick. And then of course I would stand over them and be all like “You know Mr. T? Yeah, he pities you. Don’t take my french fries without asking.”

  74. Where on earth are there so many ostriches that we need to google it? Well if you are a professional ostrich racer it is an important question that has to be answered. The last thing you want to do is find out that you are unnecessarily losing races to people who have access to better Ostriches. And don’t get me started on the drug testing for the birds. Damn ostrich jockeys are always trying to get an edge.

  76. Wait. Why are there so many songs about rainbows? I mean, why the hell would there be? And excuse me, but I don’t think there really are that many to begin with. There’s only one I can think of so far and I’m concentrating so damn hard that my brain feels like it’s going to explode. So thanks for that Google and Bloggess and Kermit and John Denver. Fucking frogs.
    .-= Miss Yvonne´s last blog ..It’s Not Gay If No One’s On Top =-.

  79. Have you tried finishing the “why are there school” question? It actually makes sense now.

  80. I freaking LOVE Google’s “helpful” suggestions, and they just get better the more words you type in! Like, if you type “I like to…” you get “I like to move it move it,” which is cool and all, but pretty predictable. (And now I have that song stuck in my head. Curse you, Google!) But if you type in “I like to t…” the first thing that pops up is “I like to think of jesus as a mischevious badger.” I’d never thought of Jesus that way before, but from now on, I WILL.
    .-= Smoochagator´s last blog ..I’m sure this topic won’t inspire any strong opinions AT ALL. =-.

  81. The two ll’s in google question comes from the day where they actually had an extra l in the logo to make an 11, because it was there 11th birthday or something like that.

    Yeah, I spend way too much time online.

  82. You are the queen of the build. Except this time Google did it for you… I mean, it’s like the perfect blend of taboo and random, stuck into an aggregater and spit-shined with, well, ostrich spit. It’s almost like Google started wearing curlers…

  84. This gives me a great reason to stay on the computer all day and search crap so I don’t have to do my household duties.
    I searched why I can’t own a canadian, it actually makes a lot of sense to me. Haha.

  85. um, i wish that there was a constant stream of your blog to my ipod so that instead of sitting here at work entering timesheets to Lady GaGa and laughing (not at the music, but at remembering your post on the Little Engine and the cat on your head) and then hoping that people don’t a) think i’m nuts for laughing at music even though i’m not, and b) that i must be listening to bill engvall instead of music, then i really could be laughing really hard to what i actually was listening to on my ipod and then work would be that much more entertaining. except for the days when Cecil Horace the fat man visits and tries to pick up my coworker. but then you’d have to know that the fat man is a character that i invented to keep myself entertained at work… wow. i guess i should have just said thanks for being funny.

  86. I love google. Partly for the joy of seeing those great suggestions. They make great conversation. A friend and I will sometimes play a game where we start out asking a seeminly innocent question, then see who gets the Best suggestions. clearly best is crazy shit like you had.

    Though my mind is still a little confused by the two l’s in google. My brain can’t wrap around that, ESP since they didn’t even misspell it to have two l’s. Thank you for sharing that about ostriches. Now I will tell people and quote you quoting them.
    .-= Kandace´s last blog ..Laughter is Grand =-.

  87. What that site *should* be telling you is to beware of ostriches making sweet sweet love to your car. True story (with pictures to prove!) – my husband and I went to the African Lion Safari 2 years ago (the Canadian one…not the real Africa – that’s too rich for our blood), and one of the ostriches was lusting over my 1990 Subaru so much so that it threw it’s body onto the hood and was writhing it’s long, skinny neck all over the hood and windshield of my car…*for half an hour*. Naturally we couldn’t drive anywhere without taking out the ostrich, and of course being a nearly 20 year old car we were lacking air conditioning in the middle of summer. I secretly suspect the ostrich knew this and the Subaru love-making was just a show so he (?) could watch us sweltering inside the car, dying slow, hot, sweaty deaths. So yeah, sure, a kick from an ostrich may hurt, but their mind games are what will *really* fuck you up.

  88. 1. Ah, an Uncyclopedia article! If anyone doesn’t know, Uncyclopedia is a Wikipedia parody where people make up the weirdest possible shit about any particular subject.

    2. I believe “Why are there so many ostriches?” is a direct quote from a Family Guy cutaway gag about a film called “Too Many Ostriches” starring Don Knotts.
    .-= The Great Joe Bivins´s last blog ..PITCHER: Unpopular and Undead =-.

  89. “why are there school” – so that we can answer all these other questions? But google does that for us now. So we really don’t need schools at all because we have google. So, oh great google gods… why are there STILL school? Must just be to learn grammar…

    There are 12 days of Christmas because the epiphany (when the wise men brought the gifts, I believe) is 12 days after Christmas and the end of the Christmas season. Or it used to be, but apparently the Vatican has now decided to keep the nativity scene out till Feb 2nd. So there’s like 40 days of Christmas now making it on par with the number of days of Lent – which I guess seems fair.
    .-= My Baby Sweetness´s last blog ..Moving to the country, gonna eat a lot of peaches. Because I joined Costco and they are only sold in 10 gallon drums. =-.

  90. I didn’t see this response yet, but… I’m pretty sure “Why are there so many ostriches” is a reference to a Don Knotts line in a ‘Family Guy’ episode.

    …checking internets…
    yup. thar she be:

    “There’s way too many ostriches. Why are there so many ostriches? The brochure said there would only be a few ostriches. This is a terrible vacation!”

  92. Why are there two ls in google? There are, in fact, two ls in google. The second l is not only silent, but is invisible. If it were both pronounced and visible, the word would be spelled thusly: gloogle. Just remember, children, L sounds like ell except when preceded by g and followed by o, in which case it is silent and invisible. You may now return to your regularly scheduled lives.

  96. ha ha – I took my own screenshot at work today when google gave me “why can’t black people swim” – I was horrified!!!! Will post about it before too long!

  101. I made this exact same mistake (and did a blog post on it actually…are you stalking me?). I Googled “is” and the first thing on the list was “is Lady Gaga a man.” Are there really that many people asking that question? But then, just like you, I selected it just to see what would pop up and BAM. The vicious cycle continues. We have no one to blame but ourselves.
    .-= Karen´s last blog ..You Look Just Like… =-.

  102. So, I was planning on stopping by my local ostrich farm today on my way home from work to get kicked by an ostrich. I thought it was a good idea. But you know what? Your ridiculous Googling has led me to believe that would be bad. So I am going to refrain. Thanks for the help!
    .-= Kendahl´s last blog ..Tropical Traditions Winner! =-.

  103. I REALLY think the first “Why are the” question should be “Why are the Kardashian’s famous?” Because well, I wanna know. I haven’t figured it out yet. And I’m tired of seeing them in Quick Trim commercials because I can never find the remote to change the channel before I have to vomit.

    Anyways, I just wanted to also say thank you because I’m now singing The Rainbow Connection in my head despite the fact that my iPod is playing “Another Night” By the Real McCoy. Kermit rocks!
    .-= Shirley´s last blog ..Sorry, It’s Empty! =-.

  104. LMAO That is hillarious! “Why are there two l’s in google”? Really? *heads over to google (or is it googlle) to play. 🙂

  106. If you Google “why are” in Canada the #1 is “Why are Canadians afraid of the dark”.

    I didn’t realize we were. But I’m thinking maybe I should be… Really I’m more afraid of the type of people who made “why are there school” happen.

  107. All I can think about is “why are there school?” What. The. Fuck. My 3 year old speaks better than that. Hell, my 3 year old conjugates better than most adults.

    School is for learning, fools. 🙁 Especially learning how to properly speak. You might want to spend a little more time working on your English homework, you thousands of googlers out there that made that a top question for Google to even suggest.
    .-= Mommy’s Blend´s last blog ..On a serious note. =-.

  108. So, Bri, if there are twelve days of Christmas and my “true love” (cheating bitch) gave me 363 gifts (I believe that’s what it comes out to) and Jesus is supposed to be this uberfamous guy, why did he only get 3 presents? Have the people of today really become so selfish and self absorbed as to feel the need to deserve more presents than Jesus? But, then again, why are they giving presents to Jesus like stinky stuff and stuff you give dead people (dude, that whole thing TOTALLY gave away the ending)? Shouldn’t they have given Mary and Joseph a sawed of shotgun, chainsaw, and duct tape so they could survive the aftermath of the second coming of the great zombie lord?

    And ostriches are only dangerous if you’re not Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats ostriches for breakfast. Chuck Norris doesn’t do push ups, he pushes the earth down. And yet, Chuck Norris still doesn’t understand google. I expect google to quickly get a round house kick to the face.
    .-= Uriah´s last blog ..A tail is a tail, people, whether it’s a tail or not! =-.

  109. This is likely why google is the most used search engine. You go to search one thing then an hour later you realize you still haven’t figured out exactly why Michael Jackson’s kids are white and you also haven’t found why there are 12 days of Christmas, plus you have to find out if there really aren’t cats in the bible. So you google again. It’s a vicious cycle.
    .-= Brianna´s last blog ..Free TV =-.

  112. Ok Jenny my apologies in advance – my intent is not to turn your comments in to some heated racial debate but seriously a couple of commenters indicated that they actually wondered why black people were in fact so loud. To that I say , are you kidding me !? Of all the ridiculous generalizations.
    I understand you were simply pointing out what your attempt to do a Google Search showed you.

    But those individuals seemed to seriously be pondering that question as if they believe it to be true.

    It kind of makes me angry enough to kick an ostrich.
    There. I’ve said it.
    Carry on
    .-= Stacey´s last blog ..A whole lot of Why =-.

  113. I just realized that there ARE cats in the Bible. Hello, Daniel. he was thrown into a lion’s den. Tada. Cased closed.

  116. google’s been smoking…

    “why are there school”?

    Obviously to teach all you dumbasses that “are” would be followed by a plural noun, “Is” for the entity or singular. Der.
    .-= adulterousellie´s last blog ..Costume shopping IV =-.

  117. The google suggest option is pretty annoying, but I think there’s a way to turn it off. I’m too lazy to look it up and do the ol’ copy and paste, but telling you’s just as good hopefully.

    This post did quench my curiosity though. Why aren’t there cats in the bible? I’ll ask my religion teacher tomorrow. I wonder what his facial expression will be…

  119. Great, now I have to go find out why there aren’t any cats in the Bible. Cats were still big in Egypt at the time. You’ve just snagged me into your lair and made ME part of the problem too.

  121. “Why are there so many ostriches?” is from Family Guy, part of a clip where DOn Knotts is in a field of ostriches looking confused.

    My concern lies in “Why are there two l’s in Google?” when clearly the people asking were only using one to ask. They, of course, are the “Why are there school?” people, since these questions go hand-in-hand. I would rather have seen “Why are there so many Kardashians?” personally. I think Google is overlooking an entire section of its users by omitting that one.
    .-= adrienne´s last blog ..NaNoRevisMo, or How Adrienne got her groove back. =-.

  122. A few weeks ago I blogged about a conversation with my 4 year old where he asked how many days there are til next Christmas…post title is “Countdown to Christmas 2010.” I am APPALLED at how many independent, direct hits from everywhere that I have gotten this month (JANUARY!!) where people googled the words “countdown to Christmas 2010”
    .-= Paula´s last blog ..Chee-burger! Chee-burger! Chee-burger! =-.

  126. Like fortune cookies, you need to end every google suggestion with the phrase “in bed” it all makes sense.

    Why are black people so loud…in bed.
    Why are the Kardashians famous in bed.
    Why are there no cats in the bible in bed

    Why are ther so many ostritches in bed…kinky mofo…

  128. Google? Seriously? Wikipedia is the source of all knowledge!

    Here we go: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twelve_Days_of_Christmas and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Twelve_Days_of_Christmas_%28song%29

    As others have pointed out, there are twelve days between Christmas and Epiphany, but I’ll add that in 1800 the difference between the Julian (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Julian_calendar) and Gregorian (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gregorian_calendar) calendars became 12 days and the song originates from the mid- to late-eighteenth century, so I guess there could be a correlation there, too.
    .-= Mark (Dudge OH)´s last blog ..dudgeoh: Do we really need tv chefs for #burger recipes? Its just ground meat, s & p and whatever other seasonings go w/ meat &/or your taste. =-.

  129. “why are there two l’s in Google”
    *sigh*
    I keep telling people, there’s no cure for stupidity.

  131. Ooh! Ooh! I know some of these!

    “Why are there no cats in the bible”: All cats are evil & are banished from anywhere holy.

    “Why are there school”: This is an example of an inadvertantly rhetorical question. If you went school you might know what that is.

    “Why are flamingos pink”: They eat shrimps & other pink stuff. And they’re FLAMINGOES. There are school so you can learn how spell *flamingoes”. And know that they eat pink stuff. And that ostriches can FUCK YOU UP.

    I hope I’ve been able to be of some service. Good night.
    .-= Drolgerg´s last blog ..“Whiskey For Aftershave”?! What are you, some kind of tramp? =-.

  132. I just Googled Google and went back in time. And, in that time, Google had two l’s and only one o. Weird.
    I also noticed that, in this time space continuum, that the world was populated with morons that asked stupid questions and they spelled continuum with one u.

    Side note: To Emily – I Googled “Why doesn’t Emily laugh at Lady Gaa Gaa?” The only thing that came up was, “She should”. <<<<<<< notice…one L!!
    Jus' sayin'. 🙂

  133. OMG! Really? My husband thought I was going to pee my pants I was laughing so loud! Thank you for making a rainy Tuesday a little brighter!

  134. Supposedly, google being an idiot is the reason why God invented BING…but i hate Bing so… And there are NOT 2 l’s in google, are there?? cuz the fuck is that??
    .-= Levon´s last blog ..Another WTF, Ya’ll =-.

  135. See this is EXACTLY why I avoid learning. It can only lead to stress and eventual questioning of the motives of ostritches and their rapid re-production.

    NO GOOD CAN COME OF THIS.

  141. The cats were in Egypt being worshipped. They problemly had a bible about them. Being worshipped is cool, I would think.

    I would “Gloogle” it; but Gloogle.com just won’t come up. “Sorry, we have no information about http://www.gloogle.com. gloogle.com is delegated to four nameservers, however all four delegated nameservers are missing.” WTF, all FOUR of them are missing. Delegated sounds like a government thing.

    I would go hide my head in the sand but now I am scared of the ostritches.

    Now I don’t feel good.

  142. That’s not google doing that, that is people actually typing that stuff in to google.. yes, there are some stupid people out there… just ignore it… it will go away… 🙂

  143. I Googled, ‘What the f…’ trying to Google ‘What the future holds,’ though I’d find an internet psychic website, but no, it gives me your sight? I need some help, sure, but then again I read some of your stuff here, and well, looks like you kinda need as much help as me. But anyway, I’m wanting to know should I quite my job? Sell my Nova? And move to Reno? And what about my heavy drinking…

  144. Okay so…1) Google needs to work on her/his grammar because that last one “Why are there School” No. Just No. Google it’s either “Why is there school” or “Why are there schools” You see the difference?

    And

    2) Why are black people so loud? Honestly it’s kind of ridiculous.

    (I’m black, so it’s hardly racist)

    And WTF? Google is not spelled with two L’s. Who the hell asked that?! Because I’d like to personally slap them.

    ps. Your google is better then mine because when I type stuff it waits for me to type my question. It doesn’t just jump to conclusions. *sigh*
    .-= Rebekah Mae´s last blog ..One of these things doesn’t belong… =-.

  146. I didn’t know people cared that much about Cats to ask about them in relation to the Bible. However, asking why there are so many ostriches makes perfect sense to me. I mean seriously those things are freaky looking, why do we need more than 1?
    .-= beth aka confusedhomemaker´s last blog ..Ch-Ch-Chia Breast =-.

  149. Someone has probably already mentioned this, but I am far too lazy to read 147 comments. I am surprised you didn’t mention the “why are there school” suggestion… it’s the question that answers itself.

  151. I just want to know who is asking why there are two l’s in Google, and then typing it without two l’s. Shouldn’t the question be, why are there two l’s in Googlle? And then perhaps, is dumb contagious? because if it is, we should all worry
    .-= kate´s last blog ..Hello My Name Is =-.

  152. Pardon my not scrolling through 148 responses before mine to verify why there are too many ostriches, but I learned this answer many moons ago because ostriches are predators and eat smaller animals… which is a reason why many gourmet restaurants and Whole Foods supermarket chains, etc. offer ostrich meat (which is high in protein and lower in cholesterol than beef).
    .-= Ari Herzog´s last blog ..Happy That Summer Camps Use Social Media =-.

  155. I want to know why so many people googled “why are there two l’s in google” when there are neither two Ls in Google, nor it a proper question, syntax-wise. Since when can a letter possess anything not referring to its typography?

    And I mean, the freaking name is at the top of the freaking page. How many idiots couldn’t have put two and two together, there?
    .-= Zoeyjane´s last blog ..On photography =-.

  156. I just typed in why in google because I didn’t believe it gave you all those crazy suggestions and here’s what it gave me:
    why do men have nipples / why does my vag smell / why is the sky blue / why is my poop green /why did I get married too / why do dogs eat poop / why are people posting colors on facebook / why do cats purr / why can’t I own a Canadian / why are black people loud.

    so i believe you now. i have always wondered why i can’t own canadian.
    .-= Rebekah´s last blog ..Birth Story – Part 2 =-.

  159. Damn you Blogess.
    Now the Wombat’s got that song about rainbows in her head for the rest of the day.
    PS Kermit the frog is so NOT all that.
    The Wombat should have got that role. The Wombat was perfect for it. The Wombat can sing. The Wombat can do news bulletins. The Wombat would even have kissed Ms Piggy, if she’d brushed her snout first …
    .-= Wombat Sushi´s last blog ..The Wombat goes global =-.

  160. To be fair, “Why are the Kardashians famous” is a good question.

    Though it probably says something that that’s one of the better questions there.

  161. When you try to do the same from sweden the first thing that appears is: “Why are swedeish girls so beautiful”, and I am acually offened, I’m not beautiful..
    And the next one is “Why are swedeish girls som good looking”. Well, apparently we are, according too google
    .-= Stina´s last blog ..Lycka är: =-.

  162. I’m not even going to try to be funny here. I blog about substitute teaching, and have been checking out other educator blogs. Apparently, there are teachers ENCOURAGING their students to set up blogs. I know we all have rights to blog, but I wouldn’t be surprised if that ostrich excerpt was written by some underachieving teenager forced to blog about ostriches by a teacher who didn’t even bother to proofread the mess.

    Not everyone has something important to share with the world wide web.
    .-= Theresa Milstein´s last blog ..Book Arsenal II =-.

  164. I’m sorry. The fact that ‘why are there school’ is even searched enough to be an automatic google listing makes me weep for humanity.

  165. I dunno. I kind of love Google. Especially when they dress it up for holiday’s. Also? One time I had a weird reaction after eating an apple, so I googled “Apple Itchy Tongue” and found out I’m allergic to the skin on fruit. So, yeah. I *heart* Google.

  166. I started to Google ‘I like’ and the following came up:

    “I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger”

    Preaching to the choir, my friend. Preaching to the choir.
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Doggone Excuses =-.

  172. So can we assume that the google searches are like Twitter threads? If we ask a question A LOT, eventually it will make the top of the list? We should all ban together and create a question and see if we can get it to the top of the “Why is”….Much like our Shatner protests – or like the time I screamed WOLVERINE out at the Starbucks…and everyone thought I was crazy. Except for everyone here that is. But you guys weren’t there….At the Starbucks…You were, well, where ever you live. Anyway.
    .-= MinivanSoapbox´s last blog ..Going Public =-.

  173. Great. I was happy before, but now *I* need to know why there are no cats in the bible and why turkeys are called turkeys. You’re making me a part of the problem. So, thanks.

  174. The fact that these questions not only exist but are prevalent enough to appear at the top of google’s suggested list terrifies me. Who asks why google has two l’s while spelling it with one l? And the others… wow. Just wow. Though I’m comforted to know I’m not the only one confused about the Kardashians. When I first heard the show’s name I thought it was a bad Star Trek DS9 spinoff until I realized it wasn’t ‘Cardassians.’ I won’t lie, I was a little disappointed to learn the truth. Maybe more than a little.

    I am also distressed to discover that lions no longer qualify as cats. Has anybody told this to the lions? Those bastards are all over the bible. Maybe that’s what got them kicked out of the cat club. I mean, they were always a little weird, hunting in packs and being all ‘fuck solitary hunting, this is easier’–which I sort of agree with, but I think the other cats were probably a little insulted by. So I guess what I’m saying is cats are a highly exclusive club and you shouldn’t piss them off, even if you got to be in the bible and they didn’t. I’m looking at you, Jesus. You knew they had an in with the Romans and you just didn’t care, did you?

    Also, the twelve days of Christmas are supposed to track the time between Jesus’s birth and the arrival of the three magi on Epiphany (January 6th). That’s right, they didn’t give him any gifts at all on his birthday. They say “fashionably late” but I say “forgot to buy decent presents and/or hanging out with bitchy cats.” They pretty much made up for it by giving him gold and whatnot, though.

  175. Pingback: I love funny people

  176. Of COURSE I just spent way too much time on google, googling all the things written about above. I prefer Dr. Google, myself. Telling me a spot means cancer and all that happy stuff!
    .-= MommaKiss´s last blog ..Dating =-.

  177. And yeah… why aren’t there any cats in the Bible? I CAN HAZ RELIGION NAO? Maybe Jesus was allergic…

  178. Tested in Sweden:

    Suggestions for the phrase “why ar”:
    why are swedish girls so beautiful
    why are all the black kids sitting together in the cafeteria
    why are the simpsons yellow
    why are swedish girls so good looking
    why are americans so stupid
    why are you wearing that stupid man suit
    why are americans afraid of dragons
    why are swedish people so good looking
    why are you wearing pajamas do you live here
    why are michael jacksons children white

    I draw 4 conclusions:
    1. The suggestions depend on region.
    2. Sombody at Google is mental (and/or racist).
    3. Swedish people think they look good.
    4. Swedish people think americans are stupid (and/or believe in dragons).

  179. Pingback: Effortless Effervescence » It’s my birthday, and I have a present for YOU.

  180. aren’t lions cats? So there are cats in the bible, big fucking christian eating cats yes, but still cats.

  181. Why are there no cats in the Bible? Who would search for that? Who cares if there is no cats in the Bible. Oh wait, why are there so many ostriches? It’s not like they are running around all over the place. (As a sidenote: Google rocks my socks off.)

  184. Sweden got me wondering, so I tried Canada. Apparently Canadians are afraid of the dark, into hockey, are philosophic, have cold hands and have trouble spelling the word colour (This Canadian thinks OU makes more sense). Otherwise, they are pretty much like Americans.

    Why are Canadians afraid of the dark?
    Why are Montreal Canadian’s called the Habs?
    Why are Michael Jackson’s kids white?
    Why are yawns contagious?
    Why are there school?
    Why are people posting colors on Fabebook?
    Why are we here?
    Why are people posting colours on Facebook?
    Why are polar bears endangered?
    Why are my hands always cold?
    .-= Abigail Carter´s last blog ..A Hallmark Moment Exposed =-.

  185. You need to follow @searchoftheday to really see the scary stuff people are searching for online…..

  186. That reminds me of something my son showed me. If you do a Google search for “white people stole my car,” Google responds, “Do you mean ‘black people stole my car’?” Tsk, tsk, Google. Tsk, tsk.
    .-= s.i.´s last blog ..Good Grief =-.

  187. I’m sorry, that question should really be: Why are Mixons so loud? Jess is right, it is because we are a large family. And we’re not black. We’re whites from the Deep South.

  190. I don’t know about all Southerners. But I do know that I still yell over people when I get worked up, which has caused comment in more than one area.

    As far as foreigners—hey. Have you ever stood on a street corner next to a family of Italians? I went into a Bank of America in Florence once because the ATM wouldn’t give me my money, and I got yelled at by the manager. Bank of America? Yes? Shouldn’t they at least speak enough English to give me my money?

    Of course, I didn’t know then that it was originally Bank of Italy. I don’t know if that would have helped or not.
    .-= Victoria Mixon´s last blog ..Gobsmacked! the Carolyn Cassady interview, Part 2 =-.

  194. i totally just went to google on this…..i thought (HOPED) you were making funnies again. i got as far as “why” and saw “why does my vag smell?”

    the world is in deep shit ppl.

    i did not read the article on said vag….however, i may have to now.

  196. The Kardashians are famous because they have beautiful butts and giant tatas that they use to point with – like if they want to say, “Hey! What’s that over there? Is it an ostrich? ” instead of pointing with a finger, they point with their whole chests.

    And if I could figure out a way to explain to my students why there are school, my life would be SO much easier.

    That and if someone could please take care of all these fucking ostriches everywhere.

  200. even more importantly…..WHY aren’t there cats in the bible? now i need to know.

  202. WHY ARE THERE SCHOOL? Do that many people really search for something so obviously plural in an obviously singular way? And don’t they realize it’s because they need to be educated so they can learn the difference between singular and plural? The bigger question google should be asking is how do you get people to stop talking in a movie theater. That would be something useful.

  204. I’m still figuring out why Google asks why there are 2 “l’s” in google? wtf, am I spelling it wrong!

  205. I just found you today! While I’m squirming a bit in my chair over some of your conversations – I find you totally hillarious and voted for you on the blog thing! I’ll be around for some time to come….

  210. Y’know why we have schools? Because of the fucktard who thinks “Why are there school” is a proper sentence!

  211. Oh! I forgot to ask… No, wait. Wait. I see that three other people have mentioned it.

    (But in case you missed it: autocompleteme.com totally rocks.)

  212. This is so weird that you’ve posted this. Because just yesterday I was sitting, having coffee and pondering shit like ”Why is one toe bigger than the other?” and ”How much ear wax do I produce in a year?” and then it dawned on me. Holy shit, I do not know WHY there are so many freaking ostriches! Needless to say, I didn’t sleep. I didn’t have time to google that shit right then and there, I was drinking coffee. That was so much more important at the time.

    So know I know, Ostriches will fuck you up. Do NOT let them kick you, cos they will fuck you up. Damn. I can finally get some fucking sleep….

    Google, ffs seriously, fix yer shit. I agree with you on this one, it’s gettin’ pretty bad isn’t it…who the hell wonders this sort of crap anyway?!
    .-= mesina´s last blog ..Growing your own =-.

  213. Okay can I just point out that when you click on the link for the lovely Ostrich page the first picture that comes up of it is a bloody EMU…I would know they are native to my humble land (Australia).

    And yeah there is a difference between and Ostrich and an Emu…Emus are kick-ass, having the adorable accent and all.

  215. PS. I still don’t know why there are 12 days of Christmas. I don’t even care any more. I’m going to lie down and cry now. Someone fix Google.

    Someone did fix google and they call it BING. The above post is exactly why I don’t google I BING.

  218. well, for goodness sake, don’t start off your google search with “Why do”. it’s just disturbing. don’t do it. i know you want to now, but i’m helping you. really.

  220. I once googled “how do you…”…and up popped “how do you kill your baby”…that’s nice, google.

  221. This is absolutely hilarious and have found myself wondering the same thing a few times after googling. Especially when I google questions about feminine issues. WOW. Some women need help with their…china closets.
    .-= Adia Belle´s last blog ..Raving Lunacy =-.

  223. Why are Black people so loud? Why are people of other ethnicities so loud? I’ve heard groups of White, Asian, and Latinos being loud, especially when there are 3 or more people. Go to a restaurant or the lobby of a movie theatre, you’ll hear it, too. I think that the people who perceive Black people as being loud think this way because of prejudices that need to dealt with. MAYBE these people unknowingly want them to be gone or hidden like back in the day, so when Black have the “nerve” to make themselves known or noticed, it is unsettling and more noticeable. Open your eyes and ears to reality.

    Nevertheless, I thought this post was hilarious!!! Congrats on your nomination; I hope you win!

  226. I’m pretty sure “there are school” because people do not know how to correctly speak English. Holy crap. Drives me nuts.

  228. My favorite thing about Google is when sometimes I type kinda fast and Google thinks it’s helping me by FINISHING MY OWN THOUGHT with the first (or third – wtf) auto-search-thing (because I guess it knows I’m in a hurry), so then when I hit ‘enter’ in all my typing frenzy, I really do end up searching for things like why turkeys are called turkeys. I think it’s some sort of internet conspiracy thing…like the creators of Google were all like, “Let’s see how many people we can get to search for this shit just by prompting them and maybe even sometimes forcing them to do it. That would be a worthwhile investment of our time, since we already invented everything else. Remember Google Chrome? You’re welcome.”

    Coincidentally, I did ask someone why the Kardashians were famous the other day. I don’t even know who they are. But I asked a real person, not Google. Google is a lying douche canoe. And their maps suck, too.
    .-= Amelia Witherspoon´s last blog ..Twilight: The Graphic Novel =-.

  229. I am astounded. I’ve seen google do some crazy things but that tops the charts. I can say I’ve heard the question “why are there so many ostriches?” prior to this day. Family Guy is to blame. “Why are there so many ostriches? The brochure said there would only be a few ostriches! There’s way too many ostriches!”

  230. Okay, I admit…I added to the trouble and began wondering why there were no cats in the bible and why barns are red…and there are 2, 500,000 explanations for red barns (which have to do with pigments and fashion and things) and 604, 000 answers in regards to cats and religion–they purport to have their own bible (hav u redz it lolcat??). Fuck me. Unbelievable.

  233. what the hell are ladybugs?? ladies who are also bugs or bugs who are also ladies? and since when did we begin gender(ising) our bugs…. check the damn program, already! you cant have bugs in your program, is the RULE!

    oh wait… was google talkin about biology here or zoology or whatever stream of science that covers Species… i hated Species by the way, blue women…. nahhhh!

    jus that, i thunk since google is in computers n stuff… ! ah well, its jus me…

    oh by the way, HAIL BLOGGESS! (since you are the queen… arent you??)
    .-= neers´s last blog ..sum of now and then some…. =-.

  234. i am laughing and laughing and laughing and laughing. a lot. so much! ostriches! but what about “why are there school.” i mean.. that’s not even a question.. that must be a result of foreigners.
    .-= brittany´s last blog ..scary ice weather? really? =-.

  236. Google recapitulates ontology.

    Everyone knows this.

    All right, . . .maybe they don’t . . . . . . . . . .

  237. HIlarious! I am laughing my *ss off right now….*why are there so many ostriches*??? hahahah I want to click on it!

  238. I have read this post at least a dozen times today, and I can’t get to the end of it without laughing so hard I cry. My kids keep asking what’s so funny and it’s getting embarrassing. I am so glad I finally know about your site!
    .-= Korinthia Klein´s last blog ..Today I bought… =-.

  243. I wish I had some mad drawing skillz, I would love to take that “Leon the block cheddar” thing and make a comic out of it. But I don’t, so I can’t, so instead I’ll just sit here and laugh at the pictures in my head.

    Not that I don’t do that already. It keeps my colleagues on their toes. Tiptoes. Past my cubicle.
    .-= Vee´s last blog ..Pinball Wizard sea chanty? =-.

  244. Just to let everyone know, the “Why are there so many ostriches?” question comes from a Family Guy gag where Don Knotts stars in a movie called “Too Many Ostriches”.

  245. Pingback: Mama Needs a Cosmo » Blog Archive » Is There Anyone Out There With the Power to Silence a L.O.U.D.?

  246. ok – now you started it. I am now spending the afternoon googling partial words to see what comes out. YAY!
    so if you just type why… it says Why can’t I own a Canadian? good question – do you think they clean the house?

  247. Pingback: Featured | Carmen gets what she want
  248. Pingback: You DESERVE this. — TheBloggess.com

  249. Everyone knows why you can’t own a Canadian. It’s because there aren’t enough to go around. There’s roughly one Canadian for each illegal alien in the USA. If we could own Canadians, the illegal aliens would steal all of our Canadians, leaving no Canadians for the Americans. So, basically, we can’t own Canadians and it is Mexico’s fault.

  251. It used to be called Google Suggest and was based on web results they had, and then it just got integrated into regular old Google. Now it’s a mix of things: “suggestions are drawn from searches you’ve done, searches done by users all over the world, sites in our search index, and ads in our advertising network.”

    So it just may be showing you “why are black people so loud” because it’s… gotten to know you. Of course, they “try to filter out suggestions that include pornographic terms, dirty words, and hate and violence terms,” but you may be just be THAT dirty and hateful. Who knows?

    If you really want to see the crazy shit that other people are definitely looking for, check out searchoftheday.com or @searchoftheday.

    (the link to Google’s page about this is http://www.google.com/support/websearch/bin/answer.py?hl=en&answer=106230)
    .-= I Know What You Search For´s last blog .. =-.

  252. Googling:

    dear google please help me i need to get off the internet

    return this;

  254. Okay, so I know this post is like a year old, but I’m new to the scene, and I’m reading my way backwards (It’s the way I like to do everything…except eat. Gross!) and I just got here. Several of the google searches that it guessed you were making were either pop culture references or song lyrics. So I’ve decided that all of them are song lyrics. I don’t know all of the songs yet, but somewhere, someone is singing about “Why there are school?” and the music video that accompanies it probably is a crappy flash animation with photo cutouts collaged together.

    P.S. I’ve decided we need to be together. I know this is sudden and terribly creepy, but I’ve thought about it for a week and it is pretty much so.

  255. Ah, the girl in the elevator who ‘been done did that’ strikes again.

    In the words of Charlie Brown; Good Grief!

  256. Chicago pizza is usually meaty (some variants come stuffed with cheeses and meat layers) and it is eaten with a knife
    and fork. After you’ve got the crust rolled out, transfer it to your pan or pizza stone. I tried dozens of different recipes for pizza crust, and none of them were satisfactory.

  257. Hey there, You have done a fantastic job. I will certainly digg
    it and personally suggest to my friends. I am sure they’ll be
    benefited from this web site.

  260. I asked which year did the rule on new cars not needing a mot for 3yrs come into affect

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It\'s like I\'m stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

Discover more from The Bloggess

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading