An open letter to the people sitting next to me at the movie theater who won’t shut the fuck up

(Disclaimer: There are no real spoilers here because *I’m* not an asshole.)

Dear woman sitting next to me while I watched Avatar:

What.

the fuck.

is wrong with you?

I can only assume that your husband is both deaf and moronic because I can’t think of any other reason why else you would feel the need to loudly state what’s going on during the movie WHILE WE’RE ALL WATCHING IT HAPPEN ON THE SCREEN. And it was weird because you both seemed perfectly fine when you first sat down next to me, aside from totally ignoring the unstated “there-must-be-one-chair-in-between-all-strangers-in-bars-and-theaters” rule.  But then you started loudly remarking unimportant bullshit about the commercials using your normal speaking voice.  I mean personally, I stop talking as soon as the previews begins but I know there aren’t any formal rules about this so I tried to just ignore you.  You made it really hard though when the Clash of the Titans preview showed Zeus yelling to “Release the Kraken!” and you said, “Wow. That cracker looks like a bad-ass.”

Really? Did that just happen?  I know it did because my husband looked at me with these wide eyes like “Holy shit did you just hear that?” and technically I was actually fine with that because I knew we’d have a good laugh about it later.  Just like years ago when we were watching the trailer for Malcolm X and the dude behind us said “Who the fuck is Malcolm Ten?”  That kind of idiocy is almost worthwhile because it’s 11 years later and we’re still able to mock that guy, but sadly you peaked early and I had to watch the rest of the movie with a built-in commentary of what I now refer to as “What-Stupid-People-Are-Thinking”.

And guess what?  ShutTheFuckUp, THAT’S WHAT.  Yes, I know the main character is in a wheel-chair.  We all do.  WE’RE ALL FUCKING WATCHING IT.  It’s on a huge screen happening right in front of us right now. YOU AREN’T ADDING ANYTHING.

Just a few examples of you ruining my willing-suspension-of-disbelief…

Actual scene: A character says they’re about to seeing the famous floating mountains.  Then we see floating mountains.

You: Are those mountains floating?

Scene: Character wears a shirt.  It’s the same shirt that’s been in all of the commercials.  None of this is a surprise.

You: He’s wearing a shirt.

Scene: A three second black-out signifies the end of a big scene.  The scene takes place in broad daylight.

You: It’s nighttime now.

Scene: Incredibly-obvious villain does evil villain stuff.

You: I don’t trust that guy.

Scene: A character dies.  Every. single. person onscreen acknowledges that the character is now dead.

You: Oh.  I don’t think that person’s gonna make it.

How am I supposed to willingly lose myself in a movie when you won’t shut the fuck up? Did you know that I’ve never told anyone to be quiet in a movie theater?  True story. I just sit in silence, glowering and sighing audibly.  So last night when I turned to you and said “Really?!” it might have seemed anticlimactic but that was the equivalent of a normal person stabbing you in the head.  Honestly, even my husband was a little shocked at me.  Then when the movie ended you scurried out, probably because you guessed I was pulling Victor out after you so that I could follow you to your home and loudly explain everything that’s going on on your TV to you.  And you’d be all “Who are you?” and I’d be like “I’m here to help.  Oh, this is a good show.  It’s funny because everyone doesn’t love Raymond.  That’s the irony of this show” and you’d be like “Why are you in my house?!” and I’d be all “But then in the end you see that everybody DOES actually love Raymond.  Even though they yell at him a lot.  That’s where they trick you.”  And you’d be all “I’m calling the police” and I’d be like “THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE FOR THE REST OF THE WORLD, YOU FUCKING IMBECILE”.  Then Victor would probably make me leave.  But while he was pulling me out to the car I’d steal all of your silverware to make up for what everyone in our theater spent on their wasted movie ticket.  Then I’d kick a hole in your wall and throw a dead cat in there.  Your cat. And then we’d be even.  Mostly.

This is where I normally put the “comment of the day” but I can’t even narrow it down because they’re all so fucking awesome. Congratulations.  You all win.  (And a special thank you to Ridley for sharing this gem.)

319 replies. read them below or add one

  1. That happened to me when watching Sherlock Holmes. I truly thought her boyfriend was blind from how much she described the movie. When I found out he wasn’t, I wanted to stab him and make him blind to have it make sense the next time it happend.

  2. Whenever I go to the movies, I always manage to sit next to those people. Obviously the curse has passed to you because I’m at home letting a baby suck the life force out of me instead of seeing Avatar.

    Sorry about that. But if you want to baby-sit, I’ll take the curse back.

  3. Waitaminute, that’s what Everybody Loves Raymond is about?! Dang, dude.

  4. But if they had a stuffed boar then you’d actually OWE them.

  5. It’s totally okay to sit next to someone like that and try to OUT-ASSHOLE them. Of course, it’s best to do it at a movie that isn’t one you really really really want to see.

    In fact, I believe that little piece of information is written on the ticket stubs.

    “Go ahead and run over the ENTIRE PLOT of the movie with the loudmouthed jackass sitting next to you, provided the loudmouthed jackass starts it.”

  6. Stop making me laugh. Don’t you know I have a bad cold and a cough and everytime I laugh I start coughing, and then, thanks to multiple pregnancies (with multiple outcomes), I end up having to run to the bathroom. So, yeah. THANKS.

  7. I think there is a special place in Hell for people who talk during movies. And I think you should have sent this lady there. Really. She’d be happier with people of her own kind.

  8. You put into words the exact things I think somedays. I hate movie talkers almost as much as I hate people who stand over my shoulder while I’m on the computer and comment on whatever I’m looking at in the most annoying way possible. What the fuck is up with that? I think I’m going to start standing over their shoulder while they’re on the computer but instead of commenting on what they are actually looking, I’ll act like they’re looking at really twisted, perverted p0rn and comment loudly and disgustedly so everyone else thinks they’re perverted.

  9. Those are the worst. I also hate the people who won’t stop asking questions during movies because they don’t understand common knowledge.

    The only really valid question to ask during Avatar is why don’t I have tentacles coming out of my braided pony tail too.

  10. I can’t stop laughing at this ridiculousness! Love the part about … oh i love the whole thing!

  11. dude. it was me.

    sorry.

  12. So don’t kill her cat, but I call any metal sporks the twitsicle has. I’ve been looking for one for forever. I don’t think I was in YOUR movie theater per se, so I don’t believe I am owed any compensation, but I would like some anyway. This has happened to me… more forgivable because the offender was, like, five. But still. Free silverware.

  13. Do you know what’s worse then stupid people? Stupid tweenaged Twilighter movie go-ers. Instead of repeating everything that is on the screen they sit there and perfectly qoute the exact page the scene happened on and then compare the differences.

    It made punching them in the back of the head all the much sweeter.

  14. ::raucous applause::

  15. I love you.

  16. I know where you can find a shaved cat. (Hint my blog). Also, I fucking hate people like this. Stupidity makes me so fucking angry. Seriously, that is how I am going to die.
    Either A: I will pop an aneurysm because of something stupid.
    Or B: I will fucking go on a killing stupid spree and be killed in a hail of gunfire.

  17. Awesome…can I come with you to her house because I think she went to a play I was in when I was a famous actress and I want to put a ball gag on her…”he’s not really blinde, I can tell’ (really dumbass, because I was wondering how he was able to read and memorize his lines) “ohhh look at how pretty her hair is’ (its a fall you moron!) and

  18. When people annoy me in the movies I just turn my whole body to obviously face them and stare at them until they make eye contact and then stare at them some more until they shut up. And if that doesn’t work the person is totally a serial killer and we have to leave.

  19. omg you should have stabbed her in the head. worth it.

  20. oh look at me…blinde? WHAT THE FUCK…it is blind.

  21. Hey you know… I think those people are blue. ;-P

  22. I am unsure as to how the significant other has not already slaughtered them. I get aggravated at my girlfriend for asking me, “What happened!?”, right about the time they are going to explain what happened. I am all like, “I am watching it at the same pace you are…!” And then she gets mad and hits my arm, but hell, she is quiet the rest of the show! :)

  23. I love you. And I hate them. You win.

  24. This is why you should only go see movies at Alamo Drafthouse. I think they have a couple in Houston now. They have an adamant no talking or texting policy (backed up by the likes of the ghost of Ann Richards, no less) and all you have to do is tell your waiter if someone is bugging everybody.

    Also, yummy food and beer during the movie!

  25. True story… my husband and I live in a small town in Southeast Texas. We went to the local movie theater to see Ironman when it came out. Two men, probably in their 50s, dressed in overalls, plaid shirts, and hunting caps sat down in the row behind us. Everytime, and i mean EVERY.TIME. something would show on the screen with writing on it, the first man would turn to his friend and say “that there says Stark Industries”. Mike and I determined after the movie that maybe he was just proud that he could read. But you wanna know something? Even though I don’t remember much about that movie? I remember the name of his company, I will never forget it. And it will always be heard with that country redneck accent saying “that there says Stark Industries”. I promise, no part of this story is made up or exaggerated.

  26. Wow, I have to admit that the thing I find most upsetting is that this person ruined the wonderfully climactic moment in the previews where they “release the Krakon!” This is something that I hope some dumb fuck does NOT ruin for me during the pre movie entertainment. Avatar was okay though.

  27. bahaha, I’m with you, except I’m a lot meaner at the movies. I’ve gotten up before and marched right up to someone and said ‘excuse me, but you really need to STFU’….it worked…i was proud. dead cat through the wall? genius.

  28. And…. you crack me up as always.

  29. it’s only because i don’t live in your town that i can be reasonably certain it wasn’t me you were seated next to. i’m easily that annoying. plus, i suck my thumb when i get particularly nervous during a film that is beyond a G rating. i do it loud. i’m pretty sure it sounds squeaky. i never realize i’m doing these things until the end of the film when a) i’ve lost my voice from yelling at the characters in steadily-increasing volume because they never fucking LISTEN to me, b) my thumb is all pruney, and c) my husband has permanent bruising on the forearm that was nearest to my squeezing hand, the one that wasn’t in my mouth.

    i think it’s time to form a support group for those of us who shouldn’t be allowed in public, is really the only conclusion to be drawn, here.

  30. Not to be prejudiced against the Olds, but was this person old? Because in my experience this is an old person thing. There’s a movie theater near me that I sometimes go to for afternoon matinees that is literally across the street from an assisted living facility, and some of the more spry oldsters like to take in matinees too, which is fine, except they treat the place like it’s their fucking living room. “WHO’S THAT?” “IS THAT A GOOD GUY OR A BAD GUY?” “WHAT’S HE SAYING?” Jesus.

    But it’s not just the extremely old! On Monday we went to see “Crazy Heart” and it was the day after Jeff Bridges won the Golden Globe for it and the theater was suspiciously full of baby boomers who appeared to have not gone to the movies at all lately and they were irritatingly chatty.

    So, old people, I don’t know how they did things in your day, but this is my day, and we DON’T FUCKING TALK DURING THE MOVIES.

  31. I hate it when people don’t know the “empty seats between strangers rule”. It is like those freaks that use the stall next to you in the bathroom when every other stall is open. Also, I hate bathroom talkers. Especially if they are giving any kind of play-by-play. That should outlawed.

  32. They weren’t even old. 40 at most. At least “old” would be an excuse.

  33. I’m a magnet for these assholes.
    That is why I don’t go to movies that often anymore.
    I mean, that is why I don’t go to movies sober that often anymore.

  34. I salute you!
    Another fantastic post and incredible self-control (not killing her shows amazing restraint).

  35. oh, dude. we went to see “the lovely bones” with apparently EVERY SINGLE teenager in the city. shut the fuck up is right, man. those little fuckers were up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down… and up. i almost got to trip one of them but i wussed out at the last second imagining blood and broken teeth and such. seriously, one girl with a tinkly necklace went in and out of the theater FIVE TIMES! FIVE! TIMES! what the fuck are you doing?

    in conclusion: slow clap, lady. *sincere* slow clap. you. are. an. american hero!

  36. Ho-ly Crap. I have no tolderance for that crap. My husband and I go to the movies about once a week if finances allow and I don’t put up with that shit at. all.

    The whole thing of following her to her home and narrating her TV did almost make me pee. I’ve told myself so many times not to read your blog at work, but I just can’t help it. Your blog is the flame… I’m the moth. I just. can’t. help myself.

  37. I HATE movie talkers. I thank you for that last paragraph, because it sums up everything I’ve ever wanted to do or say to people who have ruined the experience for movies I wanted to see.

    The worst I do is I huff in their direction or, in the really serious cases, get all passive-aggressive and loudly talk about how absolutely trashy it is to talk during movies as we walk out of the theater when the movie is over, but it’s always gratifying when someone else tells the offender to shut up for me. During one movie I saw, there was an entire group of loud, obnoxious college kids on the back row, and about 20 minutes into the movie, a guy towards the front of the theater got fed up, stood up, turned around, and literally BELLOWED, “Shut the FUCK up!” The rest of the audience clapped loudly, one person cheered their support. That person may or may not have been me. The entire group of movie talkers slunk out of the theater, terrified.

    IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

  38. What really sucks is when you unknowingly go to the movies WITH this imbecile. First and last time!

  39. Maybe she said, “That Kraken looks totally bad ass.” Would that make up for it all?

  40. Malcolm Ten.

    Pure awesomeness.

  41. So no official stance on “Dances with Smurfs” then, eh?

    Just don’t kill your cat and throw her in their house. Then you’d have to get botox.

  42. Oh, geez. I HATE when this happens. I’m also the type of person who won’t say anything, but I’ll sigh loudly every time they say something to try to get them to stop. The worst is that all of my in-laws do this (from my brother’s wife to my parents-in-law and my hubsand’s sibling & family). I now refuse to go to the movies with them anymore or even watch a movie at home. All throughout The Dark Knight, they kept asking what was going on during dramatic moments and then the others would describe it to them. Argh.

  43. We call this “Chronic Commenting Syndrome” or “How Rachel Gets Arrested for Punching People in the Throat.” Also, “Remember that time we went to the movie and this annoying girl got punched in the throat for talking too much and then suffocated from an inability to use her windpipe? Yeah, that is going to be you if you don’t shut it” rule.

    I had this friend who, no matter if we were going to a showing of the movie, as it was viewed for the first time by anybody outside of the people who made the movie, approximately 3 seconds into each and every single movie we would ever go to together, would start asking questions. “Who is that guy?” “Why is he doing THAT?”

    We are no longer friends.

  44. There is a magic beacon in my skull, cos the people who suffer this affliction always manage to hone in on it –NO MATTER THE THEATER– and sit right the fuck behind me.

    “Hey buddy, perhaps you are not aware, but we’re not in your LIVING ROOM.” generally works a treat. One time I even got applause from roughly a third of the theater.

  45. And you’re awesome, by the way.

  46. That sounds just like my aunt’s brother! We had to watch The Departed with him and he described everything and tried to predict (very very wrong) everything that was going to happen. I wanted to stab him over and over and over again.
    There was only one movie where I actually yelled at the movie and that was Stephen King’s Dreamcatchers when the guy just HAD to get his stupid ass tooth pick while sitting on a toilet with an ass worm in it. Yes I yelled at him…and my brother was horrified. I apologized later.

  47. When we went to see one of the Harry Potter movies (I won’t reveal which one cause Spoilers I guess) keeping in mind that I haven’t read the stupid books, we sat down and ten minutes in the kid behind me says to his friend, “That’s the one that dies at the end.”

    WTF!?!

  48. “Just like years ago when we were watching the trailer for Malcom X and the dude behind us said “Who the fuck is Malcolm Ten?””

    11 years later and not only do you still get to mock him, but we get to mock him WITH you. It’s like a two-fer. And then I get to walk around saying “who the Fuck is Malcolm ten” in my head and then laughing so hard that I’m crying. Again. Look at that, Jenny, you make the world go round.

  49. Years ago, My husband and I went to see “Sleeping with the enemy”. Toward’s the end of the movie, Julia Robert’s had just shot her creepy ex-husband. A fellow movie goer shouted out, “I hope he be dead”!! Everybody in the theater laughed, including me! I’ll never forget that!

  50. I’m laughing over here…but only because it didn’t happen to me. I HATE people like that!

  51. Never have I been so glad that I really can’t go to movie theaters anymore.

    Of course, sitting and watching a movie with my husband isn’t a whole lot better. We’re watching at precisely the same time and he’ll look at me and ask “Why did he do that?”

    Um, I don’t know, I’m watching it, too. Maybe we’ll find out together if you’ll just SHUT UP.

  52. this happened to me years ago when i went to see richard iii with ian mckellan. some guy, i’m guessing to score points with his girlfriend, spent the entire movie explaining the movie to her. unfortunately he was a couple of rows back, so my climbing over them to punch him in the nuts would have been a little noticeable. it also made my turning around and glaring giant daggers at him ineffective.

  53. True story – if people are talking during a film I lean over to them and, politely and apologetically, explain that my anti-psychotic medication is wearing off and it’d make it a lot easier for me to get through the movie without having a violent episode if they’d just stop talking, thanks very much. Staring at their right ear while you say this enahances its effectiveness. Also blinking lots.

    The fact that I’m 6’3″ and look like a gorilla doesn’t hurt either.

  54. I actually DO tell those people to SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.

    My husband feels he needs to talk through movies and TV shows when we watch them at home. “Who is that character?” he’ll say. How the fuck should I know? We’re both just watching this show for the first time. Now shut up. He does that stupid predicting thing, too. Damn, he’s lucky I love him.

  55. I work at a community theater and that couple comes to our shows. Here’s news for them. Even if you tell a live actor who can hear you that they shouldn’t trust the bad guy, they still trust him! Actors are stupid that way. Unless they are so thrown by a loud comment from the audience that they forget their line. Then they have to trust the bad guy to help them say their next line. So, in short? The talkers are not helping.

  56. Do you watch seinfeld? Remember the episode when George is doing everything the opposite of how he’s always done it, and he’s in a movie theatre and there are two big obnoxious guys behind him being really loud, and George stands up and yells at them. And then they’re quiet.

    You should have done that.

  57. Jenny, another post that made me laugh until i cried.

    then “i hope he be dead” has caused me to rupture some sort of laughing gland in my brain and the combination of the 2 caused “the silly giggles” and now i can’t stop crying.

    plus, my teenaged daughter tells me that laughter adds years to your life, so now i can live so long i can go to the movies across the street from my future retirement village and treat it as my living room for many centuries to come.

  58. This is the very reason I haven’t stepped foot inside a movie theater in over 20 years! Years ago, theaters hired ushers who would shine their flashlights into the faces of stupid people to get them to *shut the fuck up* – kind of like spot-lighting deer. But nowadays, the theaters leave it up to their patrons to enforce movie manners, and I’m far more inclined to just beat them to death with my flashlight.

  59. Sarah and I must have the same in-laws (well mine are ex-in-laws, thank God). That’s what I kept thinking as I was reading: this is one of my in-laws! Until I started laughing too hard to think. How did you restrain yourself, Jenny?!

  60. OMG this same thing happened when my friend and I went to see New Moon!

    The whole movie the people next to us were talking or laughing at inappropriate places. Then she literally yelled “What the..!” when Jacob turned into the wolf. This was in the trailers people!!!
    Along with that woman there was some one behind us who we refer to as “Mr. Cellophane” because the entire movie they were trying to open a bag of something. My friend and I couldn’t leave the theater because we were laughing to hard when the movie was over!

    Good times… : )

  61. Where have you been all my life.

    I just discovered you this week and you have yet to fail to make me laugh. Of course, when you do I’ll let you by kicking a hole in your wall and filling it with dead cats. No pressure.

  62. This entry should be turned into one of those little announcements that they make you watch before the movie about “Turn your fucking phone off, douchetards,” and “hey, there’s food out there.” Except in the theater version you SHOULD stab the woman in the face. It would have greater impact. Like those anti-smoking adds with the black tarry lungs.

    Every theater would play your public service announcement and it would be translated into every language and you’d be a billionaire and probably win the Nobel Peace Prize for solving the world’s “Fucking Annoying Movie Talker Problem.” Which is right below global warming on the committee’s list of important shit that should be fixed.

  63. Don’t feel bad, hon. I never tell people to shut up, either…and I think your sarcastic “Really?” comment was pretty bad ass.

    You know. For a cracker. :)

  64. I will be laughing about Malcom Ten ALL DAY.

  65. I find leaning over and screeching in their ear like a pterodactyl is particularly effective.

    OR…I scoot down and sit on their lap. When they protest, I tell them “since you’re pretending I’m not here, I decided to pretend that you’re not here.”

    My daughter is a Twilight fan so I’m familiar with the species. If you went to the Twilight movies, you were just asking for it.

  66. Make sure you take her some Diet Dr. Pepper. That’ll really confuse the shit out of her…and then she’ll have something to do while she’s looking for her dead cat.

  67. Funniest thing I’ve read in AGES. I’ve done the “Really?!” – it typically ends in a fight, with me being bitch slapped, but Please!

  68. HOLY SHIT THAT WAS HILARIOUS in one of those “I am so glad it didn’t happen to me because I would have accidentally spilled my drink on them so as to make them move over and not be by me anymore” kind of way.

  69. Conspiracy theory! The other person was a blogger who wanted to write about what would happen if she was an asshole in the movie theater for a huge Blockbuster and followed you to see what your reaction would be.

    Maybe … she goes by “Blogette” or something.

    Or maybe I should lay off the LSD.

  70. I SO relate…

    I used to date this girl who would take the ‘explain the movie’ thing one better. We’d be watching a movie, and some character – a non-speaking, walk-on roll – would appear for 15 seconds. My Girlfriend would say something like, “That 7-11 clerk looks like this kid I knew in fourth grade.” and then proceed to tell me a ten-minute story about this person she knew twenty years ago. Like I care! Then, when she was done, look at the screen and say “Wait – what’s happening now?”

    The best part? She’d stop talking if commercials came on, then pick up with her story when the movie was back. Just to make sure I couldn’t follow the plot.

    Argh.

  71. This is why I love the Alamo Drafthouse. If someone like that is next to you, you can alert your server and they will kick them the fuck out of the theater.

    BTW…Malcolm Ten? Priceless!

  72. Omg, that is my biggest pet peeve ever! Apparently I have passed it on to my daughter who is still pissed about the old lady who wouldn’t shut up while watching “Did you hear about the Morgans” about 3 weeks ago. I’ll have to keep and eye on her now and make sure she doesn’t stab people in the head, because she’s young ya know & not all full of self control yet. Now that I think about it, I wish I wasn’t all full of self control & just sit there and suffer these fools. Damn, growing up sucks. I think I’ll go to the store now & buy my daughter a switchblade AND take her to the movies. Boo-ya!

  73. Or you could be really passive aggressive and continuously kick their chair. Not that I’ve ever done that or anything.

  74. I wish they would scroll this post across every big screen, just before the movie begins, like the opening crawl in Star Wars:

    Along time ago, in a galaxy
    called Shut the Fuck Up…..

  75. I went to see Hostile in the theater with my husband. This chick and her friend sat next to us (with a seat in between). They were really quiet, until the movie started. I usually prejudge people when they sit next to me by how they act during the previews. I thought it was gonna be a good match. Finally I was all, “Are you FUCKING kidding me?”… it shut them up. For a while at least…. Bitches!

  76. the avatars look just like their humans. i think it you sat next to my mom who also starts up a conversation with strangers while waiting in line. really? do you think these people are waiting in line for the opportunity to forge new friendships?

  77. Confession.

    If you were in the movie theatre to see “Book of Eli” a couple days ago, I was the one that yelled FREEDOM at the end of the new Mel Gibson movie trailor.

    But only because I thought it was highly relevant and he hates my people.

    It won’t happen again…promise.

    David

  78. You crack me up. I’m really hoping they were old. Please tell me they were. It doesn’t make it any better but, seriously, you just can’t be THAT dumb. Hopefully.

    (Malcolm Ten. Tee-hee!)

  79. My personal favorite is whiSSpering guy with a liSSSp becauSSe even though he’SS whiSSpering all you hear iSS hiSS SSSS SSSoundSSS he juSSt won’t SSStop and OMG OMG FOR THE LOVE I CHRISSSST WILL YOU PLEASSSE CHEW ON SSSOME KRACKENSSS FOR A WHILE JUSSST TO MAKE IT SSSSSSSTOP?!?!?!?

    Thankssss.

  80. Holy crap. I thought I had it bad when I saw Avatar thanks to the incredibly bright couple behind us who brought their nine month old. To a show that started at 9:30pm.

  81. Everything you just wrote is exactly what goes through my head whenever I’m in this situation. Also with the glowering and the not saying anything.

  82. Bloggess, this is precisely why I stay at home most of the time.

  83. Grab a good stabbing knife when you’re in their silverware drawer. No point in blooding up one of your own.

  84. I went to a movie with my dad a couple years ago for his b’day. I was mid-30’s, him mid-50’s.
    Dad: blah blah blah
    Dad: blah blah blah
    Me: shhhhhhhhh
    Dad: blah blah blah
    Dad: blah blah blah
    me: I know it’s been a loooong time since we went to movie together, but really don’t remember you being a movie-talker.
    Dad: I’m not!
    Me: Dad, you haven’t stopped.
    Dad: yes I have!!!
    Dad: blah blah blah
    He keeps asking why I don’t want to go again! I love him, but I agree with you, I just cant deal with the telling me what just happened in front me.

  85. Ah, I think we sat next to them for Pirate’s of the Caribbean, Dead Man’s Chest. Where the woman [Is she still blond now? She was then!] asked, “What’s in that chest they are all looking for?”

    Seriously. What chest?

  86. I never used to say anything to people at the movies. Then we moved to a town with only a 4-screen theater. The next cinema is 50 miles away, so we stay in town 99% of the time. I am now on a quest to make people shut the fuck up in the theater. It’s mine & I’m taking over. We’ve been to the management in about 50% of the movies we’ve seen here to have them haul someone’s ass out. We’ve perfected the art of shusssshhhing and looking menacing. I figure 1/4 of all the Friday night movie-goers will be in our movie on any given Friday. It should only take me 4 years to teach them all to sit in silence, right?

  87. Are you sure the mountain wasn’t levitating?

  88. We had this happen when we saw The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover and finally when someone in the group said very loudly, “SEE I TOLD YOU THE COSTUMES CHANGED COLORS!!!!!!” my friend turned around and across 15 rows said, “This is NOT you’re fucking living room, shut the fuck up!” It was the most satisfying sentence of my entire life. My friend blames the invention of the VCR and the ability to watch movies in our living rooms for the downfall of civilization now everyone thinks they’re still in their living room.

  89. I tell them to be quiet, then I tell them to shut up, and then I point to my husband (6’5″ and 260 lbs.) and say that he’ll make you shut up. That usually works, though my husband would NEVER say “boo” to anybody about anything. I can’t help it that I grew up to be an average lady size; if I was as big as my hubby, bloody heads would roll down the theater aisles as a warning to everyone else. My favorite time at a movie was when I took my nephew to see “Live Free or Die Hard” on opening night. The theater was packed, only 2 empty seats in different locations left. An enormous hair fat man came in, of course he sat next to me, and he farted for the entire movie! He even leaned over to apologize once. He had eaten Chinese food. I could tell exactly what he had eaten.

  90. The Cat????? really??? Why’d ya go there. Kill her and stuff her in the hole, not the cat.

  91. when hubs and I went to see Avatar we had the same problem, only it was two separate groups, and both of them were right in front of us! I finally got irritated enough to “sshhh” them, then twice. The third time I just said, “shut up!” really loudly, which did get one group’s attention, but the other group just kept talking…

    since my first three tries failed, and since hubby was about to climb under his chair from embarrassment, I just gritted my teeth for the rest of the movie…

  92. I once told a group to be quiet during a movie. Then spent the rest of the movie worried I was going to get shanked for it.

  93. Funny. I sat behind them when I saw Schindler’s List. As you can see, I’m still not over it.

  94. We saw it last night too and there were some seriously irritating people. Like, seriously. ARGH. I feel ya, girl.

  95. That cracker looks bad-ass. That’s my new tagline.

  96. I love that we both seem to be non-confrontational people [I know I am, but I don't want to go assuming things willy-nilly about someone I don't know personally, that's why I say "seem", just so we're clear]. You probably felt pretty badass when you turned to her & said “really?!” all incredulously, like it was the most vicious & stabby “really?!” ever. & it probably was. Because non-confrontational people like us [well me...possibly you] get really good at saying things that sound stabby so we don’t actually have to kick a hole in someone’s wall & punch their baby, or whatever they truly deserve for their injustice. Good on you, lady.
    Also, I’m dying @Patty Punker…people standing in lines to forge new friendships…golden!

  97. So this one time? We went to see G-Force? And there was this kid a few rows in front of us who kept doing pretty much what your lady was doing? So when the movie was over I had my kids pull the fire alarm to create a distraction and we abducted him. He now lives in our basement and whenever we get pissed (or bored) we hook him up to a car battery and squirt him with a hose.
    So the next time you’re in a movie and somebody’s really loud? Just picture little Willy or whatever the fuck his name is squirming and crying and carrying on, and smile, knowing that somewhere justice is being served.

  98. Really?! “It’s night time now”? Oh, that is some golden material right there. *audible sigh*

  99. To which she would respond, for the edification of all the invisible friends who follow her everywhere but cannot see or be seen, “I get the feeling that woman is mad at me. And I’m not sure our cat is going to make it.”

  100. Know who I love? The guy who’s already seen the movie and has raved about it for weeks insisting that WE should all see it too, and then finally we go with him to see it but he’s already seen it so that frees him up to watch US watching the movie, leaning way forward when something exciting’s about to happen so he can be sure to see our reaction when said exciting thing does happen, then laughing loudly at our reaction and saying shit like “I TOLD you this flick was AWESOME! SEE?!?”

    And by “love” I mean “Will you please come and stab him in the head, too?”

  101. I think movie talkers deserve their own circle of hell. It would be one step below people who talk on cellphones in elevators.

  102. I just discovered you today. I have spent the last hour reading your stuff, and have not stopped laughing. ( My cat now thinks I am insane).

  103. Funny – until someone gets their eye poked out for not taking a big dose of shut-the-fuck-up!
    In reality, the lady reminded me of something my sister (another thebloggess fan) and I make fun of my mom for. She is famous for waiting until you are on the other side of the house – or doing something important and calling your name. When you are like – yeah mom whats up- she is silent. Again, you are like “what do you want mom?” (now a bit louder and with a bit of tude for not answering at first) and she is like – “Um, —(long pause) what are you doing?” Or “Um, — (long pause) are you going to eat dinner next month?” Or something else completely irrelevant. Seriously – she calls your name to hear herself. Then she has to think of a reason she might have wanted to call you and makes the shit up as she goes along! I think that little old lady was like that. She wanted to hear herself talk – to the annoyance of the rest of the universe – and needs to put a filter over her mouth so THINKING doesnt come out as TALKING!

  104. When people like that sit near us, we get up and move. And I try to step on them and spill a little Diet Coke in their laps on my way to the seats farthest away from their moronic mouths.

    Oh, and to Ed (commenter #98): My neighbor is very sorry she sent little Willy to the movies by himself that day and would like to have him back please. As far as I’m concerned, you can keep the little monster. Give him a jolt for me. BWHAHAHAHA

  105. LOVE Malcolm Ten.

    When we saw Juno, a challenged teen behind us asked his mom, loudly, “WHAT’S AN ABORTION!?!” and mom helped us all out in rows 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10 by explaining, loudly, what exactly an abortion is. Mmmm. Pass the Milk Duds!

  106. I commend you for not stabbing her.

  107. I’m sorry you had to sit next to my mom. She’s actually worse if its’ a movie she’s already seen and you haven’t. She’ll keep telling you what’s GOING to happen. And she hits you. Like smack smack “look – don’t miss this! OMG I can’t believe she’s going to run over him”.

    And I totally hate my parents’ cat. But so does my mom, so you’d really be doing her a favor.

    I’ll email her address to you anyway.

  108. Good stuff.

  109. The worst is when that person was my own 14 year old niece who I had actually brought to the movies. At least I know to never to do that again.

  110. I think I’ve got my new blog idea: I’m going to repeat everything you blog about. It will be a major hit! Or, half as good as yours.

    Signed, The Bloggess X (Ten)

  111. A-effing-men.

    I just had a similar experience and will probably never go to the movies again. Unless you’ll go with me, then I’ll go again.

    Good job not stabbing people!

  112. There seems to be an epidemic of this lately. Maybe it’s an alien conspiracy to insight all of us who are capable of going postal to show ourselves. Then they can round us up, send us to reconditioning camps and have their way to turn all the complacent into slave labor.

    Dumb, I know, but surely there’s some explanation as to why a movie I just paid $10 to see is so often spoiled.

  113. Darlin…. those are the people I like to call Fucktards. Big reason why I do do the movie theater much (once every 5 years LOL)

  114. Malcolm Ten??? Do you mean I missed the first 9???

  115. When I sat down to watch Sherlock Holmes, I had to smash in next to a teenaged boy. Within five seconds of the movie started, he brought out his phone to text. I looked at him and said, “Dude. Please. No.” And he put the phone away.

    It was just like your “Really?” head-stab. It totally worked though. Some people just need to be called the fuck out.

  116. Ohhhhh that was like one time, I was watching the “others ” u know the ghost movie with Nicole Kidman, that everyone was like “omg the ending is crazy” so I sit down, and these ladies sit down next to me and right at the begining she says to her friend “BITCH, they’re all DEAD” I was fuuuuckin. PISSED!

  117. You are a genius.

  118. This is the #1 reason why I’m glad that my job has a flexible schedule. Whenever I want to see a movie I go to an 10am/11am screening on a weekday. Even if it’s the movie’s opening day I pretty much have five rows to myself. Plus I like to sit close enough that the screen fills my peripheral vision. Lots of people like to sit in the back which makes the screen look about the same size as a television. And that’s why home video has ruined to moviegoing experience. Too many of these assclowns think they’re at home.

    I used to carry a small Maglite with me and if some douchenozzle or twatwaffle talked incessantly I shined the flashlight in their face. They usually stopped talking after that.

  119. Last time I went to the movies I had to sit by 2 teenage boys. They weren’t bad for most of it but about halfway through, they were texting and starting to chatter. I usually just do the seat shifting thing and glance pointedly over at people when they disrupt but without thinking, I made the noise that I make to my dogs when they are doing something they shouldn’t be. It’s kind of the sound the dog whisperer guy does, sort of like a hiss. It shut them the hell up though. Either because I freaked them out by making weird noises at them or because children and pets aren’t really that different.

    An annoying thing my friend does is if we are watching something she’s already seen, tv show or whatnot, when something is coming up that she thinks is funny and thinks I’ll think it’s funny, is she’ll turn and watch me to see if I’ll laugh. Then I have to fake laugh because I’m annoyed that I’m being stared at like a chimp in a zoo and I probably would have found it amusing, but it’s ruined now, but she is expecting me to laugh and will take it as a sign that she’s being ridiculous if she thought it was funny and I didn’t. I love her, but she makes me tired.

  120. Okay, so I’ve been reading and silently crushing on you for years. But this time, I finally had to comment. Did we see Avatar at the same theater? I know you live near me (sorry for the light-weight stalking) so it is a real possibility. Was it at the 10:10 PM showing? And did she bring her little girl to whom she promised it was a cartoon, and who then slept and snored the entire movie? And did she answer her cell phone and proceed to carry on a conversation at a perfectly normal conversational volume, as if she were not in a movie theater? If so, then yes. We saw it at the same time.
    On another note, I think my dogs went to the same kennel as Barnaby Jones. I asked them how it felt to meet a celebrity dog, but they kept quiet. I think Barnaby Jones swore them to secrecy.

  121. That was actually the lady recording the audio commentary for the DVD release.

    Malcolm Ten. Heh.

  122. This happened to me when I went to see King Kong. Except the woman was explaining the entire movie to someone on the phone. In Spanish.
    I died a little that day.
    Imagine the following conversation, but in Spanish:
    Hey dude. Did you see King Kong?
    See it? No, but my girlfriend described it in detail over the phone so I could save $8. Word.

  123. 125
    BookieBookie

    None of this behavior would be quite as irritating if the annoying neighbor’s head was not 12 inches from your ear. RESPECT THE BUFFER SEAT, PEOPLE. IT’S THERE FOR A REASON.

  124. This post is hilariously funny, but I do have to say, please, people, when someone is talking during a movie, do us all a favor and ask them to stop. People who don’t say anything to these assholes and then complain about it are almost as bad as the a-holes themselves. I do understand letting them go on a little while so that you can mock them later, but come on! By the way, they do shut up if you ask them to. And if they act like you’ve done something wrong by asking them to shut the fuck up, say, “Why are you acting as if I’ve done something wrong when you’re the one acting like a douchebag?” There are rules to living in a civilized society, people. Enforce them!

  125. Dude, that’s nothing. I saw Avatar BY MYSELF on some tiny screen in some seaside town in Puerto Rico that didn’t even have stadium seating. While the previews were starting, the guy behind me asked if I could sit lower because he couldn’t see over my head– except I don’t speak Spanish so he was kind of motioning it, and when I still didn’t get it he actually physically pushed my shoulders down to show me, so I had to sit there all scrunched and fuming because heaven forbid that guy just MOVE, right? But no, I was not going to move, I was going to win this battle and stay slouched and horribly uncomfortable and I got angrier and angrier at the people next to me who were talking in non-hushed Spanish and would just stare at them, and then- THEEEEEN, the people in front of them turned around and conversed with them as well. People were carrying on conversations across the aisle! It was like watching a movie in someone’s freaking living room, except everyone was speaking Spanish and I was still squished down willing the man behind me to die a horrible death.

    The only positive of the whole experience was that there were Spanish subtitles and for a few brief shining moments after the movie, I thought I could speak Spanish. This was short-lived, however, when a woman outside the theater said something to me and I wasn’t sure if she was complimenting my hat or trying to steal it. *sigh*

  126. I had to suffer through Avatar with the two gals next to me texting all night long, and then conversing with one another about their texts, who they were going to meet afterwards, and when and where. Dear God! Why did you even come to the movie if you really wanted to be out gabbing with your BFF?! Go away!

    I feel your pain…

  127. Loved your blog about movie talkers. Hate movie talkers BUT I do more than shush, or give the evil eye. THose are the first steps I do to initiate my hatred for LOUD movie talkers. Then, If I decide I don’t want to move MY seat which was chosen with precision and always with an aisle seat, I just say “CAN YOU PLEASE STOP TALKING?” Why be so indirect and just glance at them with the evil eye? Obviously they don’t get it or are basically annoying you on purpose because you interfered.
    Ever since I was little and was taught about littering I’ve hated anyone doing it. When I lived in Boston (poor Ted Kennedy would roll over in his grave) I saw this big, husky guy dump his cigarette package to the floor. There was a garbage pail two feet away, if that. So, without thinking, (that’s what gets me in trouble) I pick up the garbage and in a sweet voice say “Oh sir, I think you dropped something” and handed it to him. My sister thinks I will get beaten up one day. She could be right.

  128. ‘Cracker’?! Does anyone really say that anymore? That is kinda funny though.

  129. WOW.

    I mean…..just…..WOW!

    I can’t believe it.

    Even you love Raymond.

  130. If I get fired for reading your blog all the time instead of working would you support me? The responsibility would have to fall on you. When you really look at it it would be YOUR fault for me getting fired.

    Just something to think about…let me know if that’s an option.

  131. 133
    Cuzimmablonde

    Today is my birthday :). You made me laugh. Thanks. I see you.

  132. Too much! Sometimes I use the sneer – you know the one…’if you don’t shut the mutherfuck up right now, i’m going to jump over this seat and rip your fucking head off’ but this never seems to work. One time two ladies were talking like they were out at dinner and NOT IN A MOVIE THEATER, I turned around and politely said, “um, just a reminder that this isn’t your living room, please stop talking”. And they shut up. Stupid people are used to others yelling at them or being mean so they don’t make an effort. I tend to have more luck when I’m nice about reminding people how much they suck.

  133. Up here, we throw back bacon at people like that.

  134. Talking during a movie deserves public ridicule. Also not ok: clapping and/or cheering at a pivotal part or the end of a movie. Because really? Who the fuck are you cheering on or congratulating?
    The only time I have ever actually appreciated someone blurting something out at the screen was after a preview for Glenn Beck’s holiday yuletide jesus partytime rightwing or whateverthefuck celebration reading show. An apparent newfound friend yelled “I FUCKING HATE YOU GLENN BECK” and even though I know that Glenn Beck couldn’t hear him, I’d like to think that somewhere, somehow, Glenn knew. He knew.

  135. you totally gave away the floating mountains.
    the movie is ruined for me now. I can never watch it. :(

  136. boy, A LOT of us have “anger @ stOOpid people” issues.

    this is why we are all awesome.

    also, i HATE going to the movie theatre…even though i want the experience of the big screen…because i fret and freak prior to our arrival over who is going to be the fucktard in the theatre this time.

    so usually i medicate in anticipation.

    but my boyfriend is an asshole to the max…see: newfie…so usually he shats my shit for me.

    probably this is the main reason i give him blowjobs.

    <3andrea

  137. I LOVE Bad Guy Zero’s idea of shining a flashlight in their faces. It’s shocking without stabbing.

  138. movie talkers are the worst kind of people.

  139. OMG! Were you sitting by my sister-in-law or father-in-law? They do that even watching TV! Freaking TV! It drives me INSANE!

  140. Again, laugh out loud hilarious.

  141. Can you BE any funnier?

  142. I want to punch her in the vagina.

  143. That’s why they recommend seeing eye dogs instead of people. Dogs know not to talk during movies.

  144. I don’t go to movies anymore because of this. It’s been nearly 2 decades, but the worst for me was at “Pulp Fiction” I sat next to a butane freak who got high on his lighter the entire time. Loud click, deep breath, noxious fumes wafting over, druggie sigh of contentment after a hit, a loud click as the lighter closed. Repeat every 10 seconds through a 2 1/2 hour movie. Not that there haven’t been talkers, and I’ve had my head kicked and hair pulled by people trying to slouch in their seats and kick their feet up like the back of my chair was their fucking ottoman. Still, Butane Boy was the worst.

    I can’t even imagine what it was like during silent movie days. A chorus of dipshits probably read the cards out loud through the whole movie.

  145. I once went to the movie theater and then this homeless (I assume he was, he smelled like cats and urine. Also probably cat urine) and HE SAT RIGHT IN FRONT OF US!!! IN THE HANDICAP SEAT!! I wanted to puke the whole movie long. I’d take the talking idiots over the cat urine man. Unless the cat urine man IS ALSO TALKING NON STOP LIKE A PSYCHOPATH!! Then I would just probably call my legion of zombies to eat his brains. Except I hear cat urine man brains are definitely not tasty.

  146. See? This is why you have a blog. Because otherwise, I bet you would have spent a lot of time contemplating how to stab her.

  147. PPPPPSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTT!!! People! I think Jenny the bloggess is mad now. I don’t think she really killed that cat tho.

  148. I think it might be something about the way the movie Avatar affects people’s brains. My sister-in-law had almost the exact same thing happen to her at Avatar. Her boyfriend even got semi-fondled by the man after the movie. I really don’t know what’s wrong with people. I always seem to sit close to “that lady” too.

  149. Years ago, my husband and I went to see Bad Santa (my excuse for paying to see that in the theatre is that it was before children, thus we weren’t at all choosy about what we saw). The woman sitting behind us spent the entire movie exclaiming, “Oh, my gosh, he is SO BAD.” Because she apparently didn’t get that from THE TITLE.

  150. This will help you recap everything you missed during the movie because you were in a haze of rage. http://asset.soup.io/asset/0619/0013_6430.jpeg I swear on my cat it is a real link to nothing bad. Just pure awesome.

  151. I tell people to shut up at the movies all the time. I usually start out nice, but I will take things firmly into hand if the offender won’t quit it.

    And this is even AFTER the punch-throwing FIGHT I got into 14 years ago over some people who wouldn’t SHADDUP at Romeo+Juliet.

  152. BLOGGESS! Your stupid thing wont let me leave you comments!

    After all that, I brought you this awesomeness, in which to fix your movie viewing expereince.

    Real link, I swear. Nothing creepy. Well nothing creepier than Avatar already is.

  153. Jenny, seriously I think that she was just practicing her recapping skills. Or committing to memory what she planned on writing in a blog post afterwards. Or, maybe she was just being a dick (can women even be dicks?)

    Anyway, next time she does that, you are cleared in hot to stab her in the head. Just be sure to use a plastic knife. A dull, blunt plastic knife.

    ~EdT.

  154. You know, you could avoid people like this by eating beans before going to see a movie. Farting will definitely give you elbow room you need to avoid people like this. Of course, then she would have probably asked, “Who’s farting?”

    Okay, maybe that wouldn’t work. Nevermind.

  155. 157
    Lisa Wieninig

    I feel your pain! I used to go to the movie theatre at least once a week — but now I dread going because of the inconsiderate idiots who go to the theatre. Years ago I went to see Heat. A few minutes into the movie a couple started talking, discussing what was going on in the movie. I glared at them for awhile, which did no good. So I got up and sat in the seat in front of them, turned around and folded my arms on the back of the seat, stared at them and said “since I can’t enjoy the movie because you insist on talking then I guess I’ll just sit here and talk with you”. They were stunned and not a word came out of their mouths so I said “oh, so now you don’t want to talk?”. Went back to my seat and never heard a peep out of them. A friend of mine was at a movie and a couple were talking loudly. An elderly woman stood up and held her coat open. The talkers started yelling at her to sit down. She told them “I can’t hear the movie so now you can’t see the movie”. People aplauded.

  156. it’s incredible how many morons there are in the world isn’t it! I hate when people do this! I just had a similar experience. went to see THE BOOK OF ELI and there was a couple sitting right next to me and this dude was translating the entire fucking movie into Spanish!!!! Now, I’m hispanic myself, but fuck …. go to a spanish film then!!!!!!
    p.s. you’re hilarious!!!!

  157. Oh, gosh. I love you. This is exactly what we all wanna say.

    You know the only thing worse? When you’re WITH that person. Ugh.

    (Well, I guess the worst-worst would be BEING that person, but then you’d lack the self awareness to be upset about it.)

  158. 160
    greyblue_eyes

    They’re right up there with the various yahoos near me at an acoustic concert of my favorite performer (Dave Matthews), in Vegas (and I hate Vegas) in $275 dollar seats (but he’s worth it) who talked about nothing related to the beautiful song being played/sung on stage, or who yell out nonsense in the middle so much that the performer on stage actually calls them out on it and says maybe you folks should go out to the bar if you want to have a conversation, and if he were sitting near them would tell them to shut the fuck up. Yup, you know you’re a douche canoe when mellow Dave cusses you out from the stage.

  159. This is why you should only attend movie premieres. Then no-one knows what will happen. Also, carry a gag.

  160. This blog? FULL of win.

    I don’t take any passive approach. If you’re talking during my movie, I WILL call your bitch ass out.

    Crowd applause?

    Your cue. :)

  161. Same thing happened to me a FACE/Off, but they were behind me. But it was worse: the woman was actually fucking NARRATING everything that was happening in the first couple minutes. She READ THE CREDITS OUT LOUD. Then it was “ooh, that’s his son” when the kid is on the screen, playing with his father, before he gets killed (if I remember the beginning right). Then it switches to a scene of somebody’s dinner table, laden with food — “Oh, they’re having spaghetti.” At which I turned around and was all, “Would you mind please being quiet” or shushed them or something, which is very unlike me, and it’s New York and you can get killed. So the guy – who was this big guido, is all, “Hey, YOU shut up.” And then he turns to his girl, “Baby, you say whatever the fuck you want.” Ah, young love.

    Happily she was embarrassed enough to shut up through the rest of the film. Pretty much.

  162. The last movie I saw in the theater was Sweeny Todd. I KNOW!!! Clearly, I’m not missing anything.

  163. That same shithead must have gone to see the movie again (obviously he didn’t get it the first time) because I’m pretty sure he was sitting one row down from me when *I* went to see Avatar.
    Before the picture started, the big screen told him to switch off his mobile.
    He did not.
    His phone rang IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MOVIE.
    He answered it and started a conversation.
    The conversation did not consist of the single sentence “I’m in a movie, call me later.”
    It was an ACTUAL CONVERSATION.
    At this point, in my mind, I was inflicting Dexter-like torture on him; in reality, I sat there like a coward and did nothing.
    Why don’t cinemas enforce a policy of kicking people out if they misbehave like that? That would soon solve the problem.

  164. Okay I am the person still using AOL and I felt badly when you made fun of that, but YOU are from badass TEXAS and you let ASSHOLES talk during movies. I am from Seattle, grant you via New Jersey and if someone anywhere near me in the movie is talking I will say very loudly and firmly, ” Hey this is not your living room shut the hell up, Please (please is what I learned living in Seattle).” Usually everyone applauds or says yes and the rest of the movie they shut the hell up. If they actually say something back to me I tell them there is now medication to control turrets and offer to meet them after the movie and I will give them a name of a doctor to see. Usually it ends right there. I do not pay 10 bucks for a movie 5 – 7.50 for popcorn and a gold crown for Malted Milk Balls to listen to some inconsiderate shithead talk during it. I thought you carried a shiv? WTF.

  165. I’m sorry you had to sit next to my dad and step-mom.

  166. I share your pain. Once, I was watching a movie, and a guy sitting behind me took out his cell phone and started chatting AT A NORMAL TALKING LEVEL! Then, he had the audacity to stay for several minutes, talking in a normal cell phone talky voice, ignoring all the rude stares and “shh”‘s from neighbors. Finally, my husband stood up, turned around, and kindly asked him to shut the f*#! up. It worked. People are rude.

  167. It’s official. I want to be you when I grow up.

  168. “Rude stares”. For “several minutes”. You all are too funny.

    I once told a guy twice my size to cut the play by play commentary. His woman looked at him like “oh no he didn’t.”
    Guess what? He shut up.

  169. I used to love to go to a cinema to see a film. Now, for the most part, unless it’s 9/10ths empty, I hate going because it costs, for two, more than it would cost me to own the DVD a bit down the road when I could watch it over and over without assholes-on-cellphones, assholes-who-flout-the-one-seat-between-strangers-rule, assholes-who-come-in-late, assholes-with-big-hair, assholes-with-noisy-candy-bags, assholes-slurping-soda, and assholes-who-talk-during-the-film. Did I miss anyone?

    My idea of revenge is to squirt some really revolting bad small paste or liquid on the revengee. You should be able to make him/her start puking with a really good one. I’m still trying to by the product. U.S. Military?

  170. Wait. She called Zeus a “Cracker”? She deserves to be shot. Not only for that ridiculous comment but also for saying stupid things throughout the movie.

    Ps. You showed great restraint. I saw Avatar for the second time with my friend Tom (his first time seeing it) and he leaned over and was like..”Yo what happens to them when they die?” And I was like “DUDE SHUT THE FUCK UP! IT WILL ALL BE ANSWERED. and if you talk again I will punch you.” Needless to say, he asked one more question. And I punched him.

    in the arm.

  171. No, she didn’t call Zeus a cracker. She called the Kraken a cracker. Because she thought that’s what Zeus said. “Release the cracker!” Or I could be wrong. She might be calling Zeus a cracker. Doubtful though since she was whiter than me.

  172. This is one of the reasons that I don’t like going to the movies. I’ve decided I have ADHD or something because I can NOT block out people talking. I have been with other people who obviously are not as bothered by conversations going on around them but it bugs the hell out of me.

  173. I think that was MY mom. Oh no, wait. If it was my mom, she would have been asking you questions the whole time about what was going to happen, like you wrote the damn script or had seen the movie 50 times already. I think I prefer the Master of the Obvious you sat next to to the person that thinks you’re The Amazing Kreskin.

  174. I applaud you for not stabbing her. No, wait, I’m ashamed of you! This happened to me when I went to go see Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day. Some asshat brought his girlfriend who OBVIOUSLY had never seen the first one because she was loudly asking questions and at one part the entire theater laughed except her, because she hadn’t seen the first one, she didn’t get it. So she whined to her boyfriend and he tried to explain and it didn’t work because she is obviously a complete and utter idiot and then she whined loudly “I don’t GET IT!” So I turned around and told her that what she was going to get was my fist in her face if she didn’t SHUT THE FUCK UP. I’d never, ever, ever had said that if it weren’t for my company, 8 of my big ass guy friends who are covered in tats. Not a peep came out of her from then on. Maybe they should make ball-gags a requirement to see a movie!

  175. Whenever something like that happens to me I think “hmmm, maybe they’re on acid?”

  176. I just … I just laughed so hard I cried. I hope in recompense I can take you to the movies sometime.I adore you.

  177. My best friend’s mom fell over dead while they were in a theater watching the shitastical “Vanilla Sky”. She said, “I have a headache” and was gone. We like to joke that Tom Cruise and his Scientology voodoo killed her. Because we are horrible people. My other suspicion, movie talkers.

  178. 180
    EveEnsler'sTwat

    Jen,
    You meet the most interesting people !!
    Why did you not get her phone number so you could call her up next time you get your period and explain to her in great detail at 3:30 AM how heavy the flow, and whether there is any clotting or unusual cramping and how happy you are you have someone with whom you can share…….?

  179. God invented Blu-Ray for just such this manner of self-important jack-ass. All hail Blu-Ray… I mean God. I mean God for making Blu-Ray. I mean God for making Blu-Ray so we don’t have to sit next to jackholes like that anymore… and so we can watch Wizard of Oz whenever we fucking feel like it; even when it’s not Easter. Yeah, that’s what I meant.

  180. People like that should just be stabbed in the vagina.

  181. Fucking humans.

  182. Yeah… that’s why I don’t go to movies with my mother. I’m fine with her talking through the movie at home, but when we’re at the theater, I’m acutely aware of the glares, so it ruins it for me as well.

  183. i love the movie theater but have recently had a run of bad luck and have ended up sitting near total asshats. one of my girlfriends and i went to a movie the other week, and some girls came and sat in the seats directly next to us (even though there were plenty of seats elsewhere) and proceeded to whip out their iPhones and start texting everyone they knew.

    good for you for saying “really?” by the way. i teach 3rd grade and that is what i say when i catch a kid cheating, destroying something or being mean to another kid. i find it more effective than yelling.

  184. OMG! I just spewed my water all over the computer screen. Malcolm Ten? It’s nighttime now? It’s amazing – you don’t even have to make this stuff up!

  185. I went on a date with a guy who kept trying to make witty observations about the movie the whole time. Of course, I couldn’t tell if they were clev er or not because I wasn’t fully engaged in the movie because he was talking to me about the movie I was trying to concentrate on. And really, fake half-hearted chuckling gets exhausting after a while. I’m too nice…D:

  186. My God I’m laughing so hard. You make my day buttercup!

  187. When Lord of the Rings Return of the King came out (and yes, I liked it), this idiot behind us had to comment on everything. “Oh damn, the trees are going to get em” etc etc. I looked back at them glowering several times but it did nothing. Why the hell is it always the woman too?

  188. There’s one in every damn theater. And. For some reason. I ALWAYS sit next to the asshat. Wouldn’t it be great if we could fill a theater with all of the “movie talkers’ and let them just go at it. Do you think any of them would even notice?

  189. OOOOmg you seriously make me literally laugh out loud. Malcom Ten?! hahaaaaa. I love your layout, too!!!

  190. I seem to always sit by these types of people.

  191. Dear Bloggess,
    You are some kind of wonderful. You took the words out of my mouth…
    Keep on Rockin’

    http://www.Insatiablehost.blogspot.com

  192. My husband likes to insist that he doesn’t want to watch chick flicks with me. In reality what he mean is “I don’t want to watch the whole movie. I actually like to come in about an hour late and then ask you all sorts of annoying questions over and over again until you describe, in detail what has happened so far. Except that I have ADD, so I only hear the first 3 words, then I zone out so I’ll keep asking you ridiculous questions over and over again until you get pissed and turn off the movie so I can watch football.” Yeah…at least he’s not a movie talker. Unless he doesn’t understand something, which is a lot. Then I have to explain to him that if he doesn’t shut the fuck up and watch the movie I’ll punch him in his junk. That usually works.

  193. Oh I would have killed her. I once got a round of applause from a theatre full of people for telling some asswipe to shut his pie hole before I shoved my popcorn bucket up his ass. I was never so proud of myself.
    Personally I think everyone should have to wear a gag while watching movies, but that’s just me.

  194. My claim to fame is, during the third Pirates of the Carribbean movie when this lady’s phone started ringing and the person holding her phone (sitting, no joke, EIGHT SEATS AWAY) called down to her “your phone is ringing” and then they had a “no it’s not” “yes it is” argument at regular speaking volume until I screamed out at the top of my lungs “Your phone is FUCKING RINGING!”

    And then the rest of the theater clapped.

    It was kind of awesome.

  195. Yeah, sorry about that. You were sitting next to my mum. (And everyone wonders why I don’t watch TV or movies anymore.)

  196. “THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE FOR THE REST OF THE WORLD, YOU FUCKING IMBECILE”.

    Laughing til weeping.

  197. Picture this: Harry Potter movie #1. Moron in back row, commenting incessantly and loudly on the British accents. For reals – “Damn, why they sound so stupid?” “Shit, I can’t understand anything they sayin’.” etc…And all this, between cell phone rings, and answers of “Can’t talk now, I’m in a stupid f&**% movie.”…then talking for another 30 sec. or so…I wish I would have had a dead cat handy to stuff in his pie-hole.
    Just more evidence that theater-morons are not just populating TX.

  198. Lesson to all: Always move. In the movie theater. When anyone ever sits down near you. Always. Don’t worry if you think they will think “jeez what’s wrong with me can they smell the falafel on my clothes again?” just move. I didn’t do this during “Spiderman.” The first Spiderman. A hoarde of ten year old girls sat all around me. I thought, “Aw, girls. They’ll be good.” I was mistaken. They talked the entire time and ran back and forth between each other and the adult supervision that was sitting FIVE ROWS BEHIND THEM and on the OTHER SIDE OF THE AISLE. I was so furious afterward that I went up to the grown-ups and said calmly “Excuse me, in the future I’d appreciate it if you sat with your children. I did not enjoy having to chaperone them for the entire movie”. And the woman who looked well-dressed and respectable and clean and all that said simply “f&$% you.” At which point I realized that I was a full foot taller than she and could really easily take her right there in the aisle at the Lowe’s. But I didn’t. I didn’t even get all slapsticky on her and dump popcorn on her head. I left and seethed about it the rest of the night…that was, what, ten years ago?
    Yeah. Always move.

  199. While I was watching Paranormal Activity, I was seated in front of these five movie-talkers- one of whom had apparently seen the movie before, and INSISTED on saying, “OH THIS IS THE PART WHERE-” right before just about every single scary scene. Even after we asked them to shut up- my friend kicked their chair and I wanted to applaud- they still kept talking. Granted, at least now it was at stage-whisper level as opposed to conversation level… The worst part was that even if we had gotten them to shut up, it wouldn’t have shut up the rest of the rude cuntcakes in the movie theatre. My friend and I emerged from the film- not frightened out of our wits, as we were supposed to be- but in a fuming rage.

    I’m not old enough to remember when movie theatres had ushers who kicked out rude bitches- but they seriously need to bring them back. I’d do it. I’d do it for free.

  200. My fav is this scenario:
    The cell phone of the moron in front of you starts ringing “Ice-Ice Baby”. Of course, they answer and the glare of the cell phone burns your right retina. They don’t promptly hang up. Oh no.
    This is what you hear:
    “Yo dawg! Sup?”
    “Me? Nah dawg, I ain’t doin’ nutin’. Wat choo doin’?”

    Then you get to hear all about how “dey ain’t shit” and “girl be trippin”.

    Ironically the film was about the end of the world and I understood why the Mayans didn’t have cell phones.

  201. This reminds me of a youtube video:

    If the link doesn’t work–or my computer posts this a zillion times–i recommend searching ‘whitest kids u know’ along with ‘abe lincoln’.

  202. OK – if you were in the UK you could have just farted really loudly in her direction, complete with bum-cheek-lift, to ensure she would either a) be so distracted to change her commentary, or b) move seats.

    Easy really.

    Personally, I would have taken out my mobile and started to have a REALLY LOUD conversation with a fictitious person (phone being tactfully switched off, of course, because I am respectful… unlike your movie neighbour) saying how this annoying bird was ruining the film for me, so much so I that I was better served making good use of my wasted time/effort/money by catching up with friends while I could.

    Actually that’s a lie. I would have just slapped her and told her to shut the fuck up. Or else.

    LCM x

  203. I wish you’d come to my house and explain things on TV for me. Especially those shows on MTV that the kids are watching.

  204. Jenny, if I hadn’t been sitting in NC watching Avatar I would have sworn we were sitting next to the same freakin people. They sat in the seat next to me…even though the entire row was empty and talked through the WHOLE movie. I think I kicked the guy once……

  205. I swear people only go to the movies once in their life. The time they irritate the living hell out of everyone there…

  206. Malcolm Ten is the best idiotic thing I’ve heard in a long, long time.

    I behave myself in the movies (kind of), but my husband hates watching suspenseful TV with me—-I will ask, “is he going to die?” about a character, even though I know he hasn’t seen the show either. I get up and leave the room (hide around the corner) when it gets intense. Then I ask him to tell me what happened. I can’t believe he’s never smothered me with a pillow while I sleep.

  207. One of my top moments was when I turned to the phlegm snorter who repeatedly sounded like a garbage disposal in the movie theater and said
    YOU ARE DISGUSTING.
    and the whole theater laughed and clapped.

    thank you world.

  208. What I dislike almost as much as movie talkers are people who, in a relatively empty theater, sit directly in front of my 5-year-old. At that point I will move us to the row in front of them and sit directly in front of them.

  209. My husband and I have fond memories of the time we were in line for some (very forgettable) movie and the woman in front of us marched up to the ticket agent and screamed “Two for Ana-CONDO”. Man. We still call condos “anacondos”.

  210. Sadly, I seem to be a magnet for these kinds of people. I refuse to sit next to my sister at a movie because she does the same thing. After years of tolerating it, I maneuvered my brother into the seat next to her once. He looked over with wide eyes was all “Is she always this way?!?”. Yup. Always. Sigh.

  211. So did you at least get a good treat at the consession stand?
    .-= Eric´s last blog ..Skiing finally =-.

  212. As always, comments are half the fun here. But I had to stop reading to stick my 2 cents in too.

    About an eon ago hubs and I lived in Amsterdam for awhile, and in those days theaters in Holland didn’t sell popcorn or much else for snacks. So, popcorn addict that I am, I used to take rice cakes to eat during the movie. One time, during the pre-flick ads & trailers & stuff I was happily munching away when some guy a few rows in front of us jumps up, starts flapping his hand in front of his mouth at me and yelling in Dutch to STOP CRUNCHING!! Ulp!

    And, I do like making snarky comments during films. Really, only once or twice per movie tho. I’ve been trained out of it, mostly. So, I guess, yeah, I am that person. But I do whisper – does that get me off the hook at all? Because I seriously would not like our poor litte cat stuffed into the wall.

    Also, when I went to Twilight w/some co-workers, during the scene where Edward & Bella are sort of flying thru the top of the trees, my friend gasped and said loudly “That was Doug and me on our honeymoon!!” Best line of the whole flick :-)

  213. Husband and I sat behind a woman and her 10-ish year old son during ‘The Perfect Storm’ who talked at a normal volume through the whole movie. Himself finally tapped her on the shoulder and asked her if she could please stop talking. Her response? “Maybe we will….and maybe we won’t”. I thought my punch-a-stranger career was going to start right there.

  214. I think that lady’s clone was sitting next to me at the New Moon showing I saw last weekend! She kept saying ” Oh look that guy is a wolf!” and ” I think that Vampire Guy glows in the sunlight”… WELL DUH! Jacob had just turned into a wolf on the HUGE ASS screen and Edward WAS GLOWING in the Italian town square scene…. problem was her friend was just as bad commenting on how HOT that Vampire Guy was and how HOT the Wolf Guy was… Okay- they are HOT, but comments can wait til the car ride home!
    Maybe we should open a movie theatre for people who like to talk thru the movies… segregation can be a good thing!
    .-= Dawn´s last blog ..Time in a bottle, All this time, Time is on your side… well, yeah if it’s in a bottle it is! Sometimes music says it all =-.

  215. I actually hate Raymond. And I totally didn’t see Malcolms 1 through 9, so I’ll need to get on that STAT.

  216. But how was the movie?? :OP
    .-= Jen E @ mommablogsalot´s last blog ..six months =-.

  217. Found this web site. Thought it kinda fit here…. with your blog I mean. Not so much with This Particular Topic… Tho he does say inappropriate things out loud… why it fits. Now you see…. I hope. http://sleeptalkinman.blogspot.com/

  218. I have sat next to this EXACT person before. Unfortunately, she’s my mother.
    .-= Michelle´s last blog ..Barbie is a Physical Therapist? =-.

  219. omg I hate those people in the theater! You know while the world is inventing stupid shit, like, I dunno, CURING CANCER, they could be out putting real attention on stuff like CURING MORONISM. Or at least you know, a fucking idiot radar that you had to pass through theater security or something. *sigh* We so need to sort our priorities.
    Sad too, cos Avatar was a kick ass film, too bad you had to sit next to that lady. On the bright side, I so laughed my ass off at you knicking her silverware and throwing dead cats in her hole in the wall. HAHAHA
    .-= mesina´s last blog ..How to make her Valentine’s Day unforgettable =-.

  220. This is just one of the reasons why I hate going to the movies. The idiots in the theaters. UGH.
    .-= MeredithElaine´s last blog ..Hot and Sour! =-.

  221. 223
    pinatasgotthebat

    Careful Jenny… The last time I turned around to politely ask a young girl to ‘please be quiet’, she pulled a knife and stabbed the back of my seat. Thankfully the blade was about a quarter inch shorter than the thickness of the padding, but what with the ruckus of security dragging her out while shouting “HOW ‘BOUT I SHUT YOUR MOUTH, BITCH?!” and the other movie goers being all “gasp!” and “OMG, WTF”, I still couldn’t hear a damn thing.

  222. I am KILling myself laughing right now. Thank you :)
    .-= Shauna´s last blog ..January is Walk Your Pet Month (Unless You Have a Snake) =-.

  223. I stopped going to the theater to see movies after this incident: A man sitting directly behind me, in a mostly full theater, burped and farted through the entire movie like he was sitting in his recliner at home.
    Now I just wait for the DVD to come out.
    Melinda

  224. Hopefully, she was talking on her cell phone also. I think it’s required during movies now.

  225. Amen, sister! Good for you! I HATE people like that. Grrrrrrrr.

  226. I hate that so much, i have actually told a person to stfu, after which she decided to whipserloudly to her friend how much of an asshole i was :( sigh!
    My 13 year old daughter does a neat trick as well, she can sit down anwatch a tv show or dvd and watch a scene and then ask really basic questions about what just happened , like “did that man punch that door ?” yes dear we just saw a man punch the freaking door , this goes on till i get the shits and send her to do somthing in another room ….
    But yeah you would totally be rightous in throwing a dead cat in here wall cavity.. :)
    Cheers

  227. I think that’s the Bloggess herself in the banner.

  228. Word really can’t express how much I love you for posting this. Especially today. Where there were several instances of such obvious stupidity and dumb questions. Thank you for not being the only person whose head is about to explode because people like this are allowed to breathe air.
    .-= Windsor Grace´s last blog ..Is this true? I have always thought yes. =-.

  229. I seriously love you!

  230. I went to see Avatar a few days ago in a theater with reserved seating. The people next to us wouldn’t move. The woman said, “this is my seat and I’m not moving”. After some coaxing, she agreed to move one seat, but not the two that were necessary. “This is as far as I’m going,” she said, noting that, “I bought my tickets in advance”. I did, too, asshole. I bought my tickets three days in advance.

    But the movie was awesome, wasn’t it?

  231. Ugh, don’t you hate when that happens? While watching Spiderman 3, a small Hispanic boy had to translate the entire movie to his mother.

    I’m an uber bitch when it comes to theatre’s though … there is this one theatre out here in Spring that no one ever goes to. So, you can watch a brand new movie and there are maybe like 10 people in a HUGE theatre. So, there’s normally never the issue of someone sitting in front or right behind or right next to you. Except for this one time. My husband I were watching Marley and Me, the movie is about to start … and this group of STUPID teenagers (or textagers as I call them in theatres) come into the theatre, look around, see all the empty seats, and decide to try and sit RIGHT in front of us. They sat down and I go “REALLY!?!?!? OUT OF ALL OF THE SEATS IN THE ENTIRE PLACE … YOU WANT TO SIT HERE!??!?!!?” They turned around and quickly got up and moved. Honestly, it was the best movie going experience ever … Aaron (the husband) was sure that they thought I was going to throw milk duds at them if they whispered or flipped open their cellphones at all, so they were perfect little angels!
    .-= Littlemissenglishteacher.blogspot.com´s last blog ..Early Labor? =-.

  232. Oh yeah, and I should also mention the time that I nearly got in a fight with a bunch of “tweens” during Twilight. The movie started and they immediately started screaming … so I missed the opening monologue. Fine, I tell myself, they’re really excited. But then, when The Cullens come into the cafeteria for the first time … they started screaming AGAIN. So, I turned around and go “THAT IS ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

    They were silent the rest of the film. Thank God … I’d hate to have to go to jail over something like that.
    .-= Littlemissenglishteacher.blogspot.com´s last blog ..Early Labor? =-.

  233. GREAT!!! I loved this one.. my favorite part “now I know What-Stupid-People-Are-Thinking”!!!
    .-= Randomgiggles´s last blog ..Fun times..and peeing in a park =-.

  234. Years ago my girlfriend (wife now) and I went to a movie with an old Navy bud of mine. She and I turn off our cells when we walked in but he did not. Of course he gets a call AND ANSWERS!!! Me being who I am and seeing what I have seen in life just laughed but she would have died right there if possible to die from embarrassment. He said and I quote “I’m in a movie, no, I’m in a move”. Shortly after the Brother Bear thing came out for turning off your cell in the movie. First time she and I saw that we about wee weed ourselves, and every movie I do not miss the chance to say “I’m in a movie, no, I’m IN a movie”.

  235. Oh, god. This is why I don’t see movies in the theatre. I can add my own commentary from the privacy of my own home without feeling bad about it.
    .-= hip_m0m´s last blog ..Home Sweet Home =-.

  236. 239
    doug richardson

    You should have chopped her head off and mounted it next to Mr. Garfield. The Stuffed Boar next to the Crashing Bore.

  237. I’ve never eaten a bad-ass cracker. Mostly I think of them as a way to give my cheese a little crunch. Maybe if the cracker had a jalapeño pepper in it.
    .-= Theresa Milstein´s last blog ..Longing for No Longer? =-.

  238. Hilarious…I know how you feel and love how you put it into words!

  239. I was wondering what happened to the rest of my comment all the way up there at #17, I am quite positive that the rest of it was brilliant..because I am a brillionare and problemly was the cure for morbid stupidity.

  240. 243
    Randomly G-Licious

    HI! Came here straight from Twitarded because they said I HAD to read your blog. OMG they were right! It’s like my conscience disconnected herself and started a blog! I, too, seethe silently in theaters and feel your pain. “…a normal person stabbing you in the head.” AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And the dead cat in the wall – my neighboring empty apartment had one of those a few years back. They had to rip open the wall. It was bad. Love your blog!

  241. I must lives a completely charmed life, because I have never, in all my days, heard of such an atrocity.

    I understand the magnitude of saying, “REALLY?” because it would be equally monumental for me. Bless your heart.
    .-= Camille´s last blog ..If This is Life, I’m Off to a Real Bad Start =-.

  242. I always seem to get stuck sitting next to the Obnoxiously Loud Laughers. You know, the ones who won’t stop laughing after they start and who “HA HA HA HOO” so loudly that I eventually start being embarrassed FOR them because hi, that wasn’t even a joke, the dude is DYING, and no, he’s not dying in a freak gasoline fight accident so WHY ARE YOU STILL LAUGHING?
    .-= Kerri Anne´s last blog ..Because My Brain Is Otherwise Occupied =-.

  243. I was sitting behind her at the ballet last night. She and her date talked through the entire first half, blocking my view in the process. They looked like they were ready for more of the same as the lights dimmed for the second half, so I leaned down and said “If you continue to talk during the numbers, I may hit you with my rolled up program.” They said “That’s not very nice”, so I said “Neither is talking through a dance concert that the person behind you is trying to enjoy.” He said “that’s a good point” while She said “We can agree to disagree on that” and “I may hit you back”. He kept Her quiet – she was a total douche canoe.

  244. Hey asshole, guess you forgot about the whole “Little Women” thing already, huh?

  245. When I saw Avatar last weekend….half way thought the movie all I could think was….these stupid 3D glasses are bruising my ears. And them when we got home, my dh told me he wanted me to dye my skin blue and grow a tail. Lovely.

  246. My boyfriend just had to ask what was wrong with me I was laughing so hard… Malcolm Ten. That stupidity is worth it!

  247. I´m so sorry; my sisther does the same thing. I´ve told her, were all watching the same as she is..but for some reason she has to talk the excitement out of everybody..

  248. The whole “i hope he be dead” thing was so funny.
    I also have been in the theaters with these moronic idiots i waited three weeks after the whole craziness of the opening to New Moon to go see it and it wasnt all that packed so i figured ok no big deal wrong..five minutes into the movie this girl behind me started talking about how she couldnt wait until Jacob would take his shirt off and this went on and on so finally i just turned around and said “hey douche canoe i am here to see this movie for the first time unlike you obviously but if you dont stfu i am going to strangle you.” and i stared at her for a few minutes she not only moved but shut up as well! it was fantastic.

  249. Saw the movie this weekend….it was awesome BTW. I usually wind up in a theater with screaming babies, kids who think farting in close proximity to someone just to get a kick out of the first person they notice holding their nose or fanning for fresh air, or folks who sit directly behind me and KICK MY EFFING SEAT during the entire movie….
    .-= Roschelle´s last blog ..Be Strong…and I Love You =-.

  250. When my buddy goes to the bathroom he announces that he’s “OFF TO RELEASE THE KRACKEN!”

    I need new friends.
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Buggin’ Jesus =-.

  251. I had that happen to me while watching I-Robot. It was the first time I ever asked someone to be quite because I am the same and usually say nothing.
    .-= Invader_Stu´s last blog ..Weed Plantation =-.

  252. Whomever wrote, “We just throw bacon at them”? You are now officially fucked. Because I am going to find you, find where you live, follow your ass to the movies every time you go and talk and talk and talk and talk.

    I love bacon.

    Also, Aunt Becky? say what now?

  253. JJ and STY rec’d you on Twitarded and I’m glad they did. BTW they want to have sex with you!!

  254. 257
    Schat-ur-Pantaloons

    have you been reading my mind? i think i just fell in love. and i’m a girl…..but i’m not gay. i just like funny things…and pointing out the obvious to stupids. WHO ARE EVERYWHERE. you are now being added to my list of people i wouldn’t karate-chop in the throat. you’re welcome.

  255. flying dead cat….heehehee…hehehehhee. :)
    .-= Tatyana´s last blog ..Dejected =-.

  256. OMG you have GOT to check out this sleep talking dude!!! http://sleeptalkinman.blogspot.com/

  257. This reminds me of my experience at “The Sixth Sense” in an area of town where few white folks go to the movies, and the teens on my row responded to my frustrated pleas to shut the hell up with, “black people like to talk at the movies. Just get over it.” Only I didn’t.
    .-= muskrat´s last blog ..my spoiler-filled review of costa rica (part 1) =-.

  258. just came across your blog and I just laughed my ass off! :D I wouldn’t be so patient as you were. :D
    .-= Vesna´s last blog ..Beauty preporuke za vikend! =-.

  259. We think we know the people you sat next to. I used to work with one of them…I am sure of it!

  260. I just came across your blog, too! Funniest thing in the www!
    .-= Pineapple Princess´s last blog ..How to Enhance Eyelashes in Photoshop Elements =-.

  261. Nothing says Fuck You like a dead cat in the wall.

    Brilliant.
    .-= Miss Spoken´s last blog ..Latex Gloves and Vomit: It’s Not As Fun As It Sounds =-.

  262. Um, yeah, I actually told some teenagers to “SHUT THE FUCK UP! I DID NOT PAY $10 TO HEAR YOUR POINTLESS CONVERSATION!”

    They, in turn, probably went home and told their parents, “Mooo-oooom! Some lady said ‘Fuck!'”

    Yup. That’s me. Badass.
    .-= Coal Miner’s Granddaughter´s last blog ..My Father-in-Law Hates Me =-.

  263. Wait… so does everybody love Raymond or not?…
    .-= Jennifer June´s last blog ..Are you on fire? No. Are you Bleeding? No. Then it can wait. =-.

  264. “the unstated “there-must-be-one-chair-in-between-all-strangers-in-bars-and-theaters” rule”
    BWAAAAAHAAAAHAAAAAA.

    This is almost as fun as when my parents spend the whole movie trying to figure out which other movies the characters have been in. Nothing breaks cinematic immersion like “Oh – wait, that’s that actress who’s normally really pretty who played in the Italian Job.”

  265. 268
    baldheadeddork

    Sounds like every matinee Mrs. Dork and I saw during our time in South Florida. Ruined some movies, but packed house of confused elderly New Yorkers did add a je ne sais quois to the library masturbation scene in The Squid and The Whale.

  266. Oh wow. That’s totally my mom. That’s why I don’t go to movies with her anymore.

  267. You really shouldn’t take your blind neighbor and his drunken mate to the movies. it’s a waste of good drinking funds.. Movies are so expensive.. booze is so cheap!

  268. You are my hero…and you make me laugh till I cry. Here’s a link my son gave me that kinda explains the whole Avatar thing quite well, I think…

    http://www.dump.com/2010/01/06/proof-that-avatar-is-actually-pocahontas-in-3d/

    Enjoy.

  269. You put my thoughts into wonderfully crafted words. I have no problem telling folks to SHUT the F up. Though once when I man answered his phone and talked during a movie. I walked down the aisle and just stared at him. Phone went away. Then after the movie I did a passive aggressive move- and said to my friend, ” How old do you have to be to not use your phone? ” Well the man got up and was 6 foot something large and chased me out of the theater screaming at me. The security man had to get him away from me.

    We all need to say something and stop the MADNESS!!! We can’t live in world where the asshole who miss behaves gets to feel they have more rights then those of us who play by the rules and live in respect.

    SPEAK up about those who SPEAK out during movies!!!
    I’m a huge fan of your blog.

  270. Place: Movie Theater
    Year: 1994
    10 minutes into “Priscilla, Queen of the Desert” my 75 year-old father turns and shouts in my ear, “All these fellas in this movie are gays! I can tell!!”

    Keen gaydar, my father.
    .-= Steam Me Up, Kid´s last blog ..I’m too sexy for my penis =-.

  271. I don’t why, but this one made me cry until tears came out. I had to walk away and get a drink. Now i am back and I am still laughing. Have I told you I love you lately?

    yeah, I totally stole that line from what’s his face.

    “there-must-be-one-chair-in-between-all-strangers-in-bars-and-theaters” Please. Preach it please. And also the rule: “On a 2-seater train, you are not allowed to sit down next to somebody IF there is an empty 2-seater. Unless you are HAWT. Then come on, sit by me. Male and female welcome.”
    .-= submom´s last blog ..Trouble Maker? You talking to me? =-.

  272. Yeah, well, manners and common courtesy mean shit these days and such things can’t even be taught at the sharp edge of a standard brick.

    That said, what the fuck where you thinking trying to watch Avatar at a movie theater at this point ?!? Here’s the thing … by the time you find a ‘polite’ theater, you are so far out in the sticks that “Gran Torino” is still headlining.

    People suck. There is no way around this. The solution that I have found is watching movies in the suburbs on Tuesdays at noon.

    That said…. I have no desire to watch Avatar. If you want me to watch a CGI movie that’s not actually a cartoon you really need to come up with a plot that hasn’t been done roughly 857, 372 times already. Sorry, James, it might have been watchable a decade or two ago.

  273. I once knew this woman who was a delightful combination of batshit crazy and dumb as a rock. She was annoying enough in every day life that I would duck into stores if I saw her on the street, but she was completely lost to me forever once when she complained about being yelled at for talking in movies. “I mean, I went WITH people so of course I’m going to want to talk to them, GOD.”

    That was pretty much my only close brush with a murder charge.

    Except for that one guy in DC. But that was different.

  274. Wow. How much do we all love to complain?
    .-= adulterousellie´s last blog ..Parents: instruments: listen! Part 1. =-.

  275. It should be legal, no mandatory that people like this trick gets punched in the throat with a crow bar.

  276. Next time offer the talking some ju ju bees…you can’t talk while you’re trying to pick that shit out of your teeth.
    .-= Buggys´s last blog ..Baby Colton =-.

  277. I think it was James Cameron in disguise.

  278. Oh shit! I am TOTALLY changing the name of my blog to “Bad Ass Cracker”.
    .-= LizzB (@hereslizz)´s last blog ..The Big One =-.

  279. I hate movie talkers. I’m the one that disrupts the movie even more because I loudly chew them out after I can’t take anymore. The last movie talker I had to chastise was discussing where the exit was and the movie wasn’t close to being over. I told him to shut up, pointed out the exit to him and asked him to leave. He didn’t leave, but he did STFU.
    .-= pineapple´s last blog ..I’m no reporter, ya’ll =-.

  280. Bloggess…I need to apologize! I had no idea you existed and used your Name, appealing to the Bloggesses and Bloggasses that read me!! I can go back and let everyone know that there is only one bloggess if you like. I don’t want to step on toes. Thanks MODG for pointing you out. In other news…I also live in Houston…as an FYI…or if you are ever looking for another writer, coffee buddy or whatever…And no, I am not a weirdo, just in case you were wondering. Love your blog…just let me know if you want me to change that on mine!
    .-= Lee the Hot Flash Queen´s last blog ..Bloggesses and Bloggasses =-.

  281. I don’t have anything insightful to add. I just wanted to say I came across your site recently and it’s too damn funny. Thanks for making me laugh today! If you’re ever in Milwaukee I’ll treat you to lunch.
    .-= Korinthia Klein´s last blog ..Friday Night Movie Night =-.

  282. Maybe… the guy he/she sat next to was blind?

  283. I feel your pain…

    Best comeback I’ve ever witnessed in a movie theater was when I made the mistake of going to see ‘Romeo & Juliet’ when Leonardo DiCaprio was obviously at his teen-dream height. One group of teenage girls went through the whole film squealing and giggling whenever he appeared on screen, and making a wide variety of stupid comments about how they were so much better than Clare Danes. When they got to the point where he’s just about to kill himself over Juliet’s “body”, they started crying out “No! Leo, don’t do it!!!”. Some woman in the front row stood up and yelled back, “Read the book, you fucking morons!”

    She got a standing ovation for that one.

  284. ugh – I read the cracker comment and I lost!
    .-= Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic´s last blog ..Love 101. =-.

  285. Dude, i was totally THAT annoying when we went to see Paranormal activity. Except, i didnt really tell everyone what obviously just happened, i was all…”did you just see that shit? ” “That thing is totally in her fucking bed!” “Omg, he better quit calling that thing out! He’s gonna die!”… But everyone else was pretty much just as annoying cuz that movie was just fucked up.
    .-= Levon´s last blog ..Why you should never spill the ashtray when you’re naked =-.

  286. Ummmm . . . would it be wrong of me to admit that now I want to go to a movie and HOPE that I have a talker next to me so I can think back to your AMAZING post and giggle until a little pee comes out? It could be awkward if I happen to be in the middle of a very sad movie – but screw it. I like laughing at others more than cinematic drama.

  287. By far the funniest thing I’ve read all day. I’m sorry it wasn’t a great experience but just think of all the laughter you are bringing to the rest of us! xxxooo
    .-= Pamela M. Kramer´s last blog ..Freebie Friday – Link Up #contests and prizes every Friday =-.

  288. I loved Kiki’s comment. There’s nothing worse than literary ignorance, huh?
    .-= Brian H.´s last blog ..World Class Tahiti Hotels =-.

  289. A woman in the UK told a boy to be quiet in the cinema and he poured a bottle of bleach on her.
    So maybe you should all keep your cake holes shut haha

    google it.

  290. I’ve lurked over your blog for a good while now, Jenny, but you definitely HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD with this one, and I just had to comment. You had me at “Malcolm Ten” and your idea about going to her house to comment on her tv shows was full of awesome. I think I love you.

  291. the LAST TIME WE EVER WENT TO A MOVIE THEATRE ‘fargo’ was playing, and there was about 72 brown boys DRENChED in cheap awful man cologne, and i got sick… but there THIS GUY who laughed at everything in the movie, and you KNOW there’s alot of unfunny stuff in that movie, funny stuff too, i’ll admit, but he didn’t laugh at those, just huge bellowing laughter at everything unfunny, i know he was mentally ill, and it’s a good thing i wasn’t on acid or something coz things could have gotten ugly…. ever since then, my husband downloads movies and watches them on his computer and i haven’t seen a movie in years…. bah….
    .-= Elaine-´s last blog ..in glass… =-.

  292. MAN, that totally sucks but you should have seriously leaned over and really politely said with a happy face, “if possible, could you shut the fuck up?, appreciate it. thanks.”

    Try that next time because you are well within your rights considering how much it costs to go to the movies these days.

    Sadie at heymamas

  293. ok, I almost fell off my chair while reading this! seriously, I can’t stop laughing.
    first time I read you, and I would definately stick around!

    you made my day/ night!!!

    cheers

  294. This sort of behaviour annoys me a lot too, but I guess the culture of behaviour in cinemas has changed with time and therefore I stick to watching movies at home. But when I do go out and experience something like this, I started to experience that a clear and respectful communication often works as sheer magic:
    “I would really like to enjoy this movie but your loud comments prevent me from that. Would you be willing to lower down your voice so that we all can have a enjoyable experience?”
    It really works.
    Now, of course, if I go with: “Fuck you”, I get a “fuck you” right back and id does not help a bit…

  295. I actually just wrote a post about people sitting next to me during Avatar in a near empty theater. No lie, right fucking next to me!! But you showed more restraint than I would have for the chick talking. I would’ve elbowed her.

  296. I can’t stand that! I never take my kids to movies, either, out of respect for people who pay the already way-overpriced price of movies. Heck, a movie night these days is like $50 with popcorn and drinks. Until my kids can sit still and be quiet enough, I’m not ruining date night or family night out for anyone. Too bad others don’t have that sort of control or respect.

  297. AAAARG. Why don’t more people understand the one-seat-between rule? I get there early to get a good seat. Don’t come late and sit next to me. Also, don’t try and take the armrest. Ooh. And don’t ask me to move down one seat -so there are two seats together- when there are perfectly good seats all over.
    .-= Tikki´s last blog ..Children’s Books =-.

  298. I live in a country where everyone does this.

    “Oh, she looks really angry…”

    Fun.
    .-= Andrew Lightheart @alightheart´s last blog ..The danger of being less certain =-.

  299. Um,

    Never watch a movie with my mom. One priceless moment was during New Moon, my mom (who hadn’t seen the first movie but decided to join me just to keep me company – gee thanks) waits until the scene where Jacob is about to lean and kiss Bella, turns to me and makes loud dog slurpping panting noises! Sigh..

  300. These are the same morons who shout all their personal business into their cell phones no matter where they are or how many of us are a nearby captive audience. One such phone abuser at the manicurist disrupted the silence by announcing that she had just gotten her period. I decided to join the conversation. “What a coincidence! I was just thinking about MY vagina!” That shut her up real fast.

  301. This happened to me during Cheaper by the Dozen… I already wanted to stuff popcorn in my ears… because lets face it… Steve Martin should never have that many children. There is nothing funny about 12 children, it’s terrifying. But to make things worse the big smelly man behind me felt it necessary to explain a children’s movie to the back of my head, plus breathe his stink my direction.
    .-= The Undomesticated Housewife´s last blog ..Filipino Billboard =-.

  302. At highschool me and my boyfriend went to see Free Willy (I know!), and these, um, disabled people were behind us. Every five minutes one of them stood up and shouted Free Willy!!!
    .-= Hay´s last blog ..Alone =-.

  303. I gotta ask – where on earth do you people live? I go to the movies all the time, and this almost never happens to me. The last time it happened was Terminator 2, where the guy behind me said “Whoa, Silver Surfer, dude!” EVERY SINGLE TIME the new and improved terminator came on the screen. That was supremely irritating, but it was also quite a while back, and hasn’t happened since.

  304. [...] you a laugh out loud break in your day. If you’ve ever ever been ready to kill at the movies, this post is for you. (It is NOT G-rated). She also writes a parenting column for a major [...]

  305. So my pastor told the story during church one day about how he’s usually very patient with people (a qualification generally held to be valuable in a pastor, I think) and rarely loses his temper with strangers. But he went to see The Passion when it was in theaters, and the women next to him kept whispering. He said he tried to ignore them, thinking they’d stop, but they didn’t, and he kept trying that whole “take a deep breath” thing (because seriously, how does someone talk while Jesus is being whipped?) but got more and more mad and more and more convinced that he had every right to be mad because who the hell talks through a movie, especially a movie about Jesus dying?? (He didn’t say hell really, I added that for flavor.) So he finally leans over and says something like “Seriously, do you mind? Some of us are actually watching the movie” and then the one chick apologizes and says “We didn’t realize the movie was going to be all in subtitles and my friend’s blind” and then my pastor went from feeling totally justified to feeling like a big jerk.
    I don’t think YOU’RE a jerk. I actually think that you could probably be my best friend if that weren’t kind of stalker and the list of people wanting to be your best friend weren’t longer than the line to see Avatar. And I don’t think your offender was blind, despite the normal speaking volume. Really this isn’t totally related at all. Unless you think we need to crucify people who talk during movies.

  306. Oh my god I love you. this made me laugh so much, and its quite late here and everyone will wake up but I DONT CARE!! Oh ,dear, now need a tissue to wipe my eyes.

  307. Unfortunately, these people are everywhere. I don’t think I’ve seen a movie in years that didn’t have someone sitting directly behind acting completely insane. I don’t know what that’s about.
    .-= Kid In The Front Row´s last blog ..They Are To Blame For Everything That’s Wrong With The Film Industry. =-.

  308. NO WAY. Sending this to my girlfriend who commentated like a sportscaster for the entire 2hrs and 30 min of Avatar to her 10 yr old as if it was the NHL playoffs…
    .-= Heather´s last blog ..Lowfat Blueberry Yogurt Muffins. (Agave instead of Sugar) =-.

  309. Avatar is so boring, no wonder people feel the need to talk through it. And does nobody else think a human essentially having sex with a big blue alien is just a little bit wrong, bestial even?
    .-= akaScarlet´s last blog ..Avatar is boring =-.

  310. We all have been through similar experiences – unless of course some of us are doing the yapping! The real question is why do we take it?

    Excellent post.
    .-= Joseph @ Avatar Film Review´s last blog ..The Funniest TV Commercials: Ads That Will Definitely Make You Laugh =-.

  311. I was too captivated by the movie to hear the people around me.

    Funny Pictures recently posted Funny Indonesian Video Clips.

  312. [...] giggled a lot at these two posts: the first from Steam Me Up, Kid and the second from the Bloggess (how did I not know about her earlier!!). Both are funny. Both were obtained through links from The [...]

  313. A few years ago we took our two little girls to see “Grinch”. The theatre was packed and it was winter (in Alaska) so we pulled up our coats and one of our girls sat on them. Suddenly I realize that my youngest daughter is snuggled up to me so I look over and her and see a strange child sitting next to her IN HER SEAT! WTF?! I ask my child where the hell the kid came from and she points behind her. What?!! I stand up and turn around only to have this woman with about 20 fucking kids look at me and say “oh, you don’t mind, do you?”. Fuck yeah I mind! She snatched her kid back while giving me the stink eye. I couldn’t believe it. This was like 10 years ago and I STILL think violent thoughts about her.

  314. 317
    Lady Penelope

    That shit needs to be on a t-shirt.
    That I would then wear to the cinema.

    Until then, I will print this entry and hand out a copy to everyone in the cinema before the previews start.
    So they have been warned …

  315. 318
    Lady Penelope

    Oh, and *seriously* leave a goddamn empty seat between people! WTF? That is like social interaction 101 dude.

  316. 319
    DarkDisneyPrincess

    My boyfriend & I have walked out of many movies because of these douche bags; from the teens on their cell phones during Underworld: Evolution to the asswipe who SAT ON MY JACKET (which I placed to “save a seat for my friend who always runs late” [a.k.a. to insure the space between strangers] & then just doesn’t show)…to add insult to injury he had his TWO kids on his lap! It was opening weekend for Thor, so some responsibility is on the theatre to check tickets, but still…

    We always sit in the back row because I can’t stand to have people behind me…and if I sit too close, I get motion sickness.

    The worst was when I had gone to see King Kong with a friend and his parents. We were somewhere in the middle, which meant I had to close my eyes a lot. But theme there was a 4-year-old TRANSLATING the movie for his family next to me!

2 trackbacks

  1. Linky McLinkLink « In Limbo September 13, 2010

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s