Why? Remember back in January of 2009 when I invented kitten-mittens? Remember? And you said it was awesome? Fuck. Hang on. Here’s a snippet of the post to jog your memory:
…I also came up with another idea to re-purpose used breast-pumps to suck dead kittens inside out because then…TA DA!…fur-lined mittens for homeless people. I told my friend Kregg about it and he was all “That’s…weird” and I’m all “It’s weird that no one’s ever thought of it before. Because no one wants dead kittens or used breast-pumps so this way we’d be keeping them both out of the landfills and we’d be helping the homeless. It’s practically carbon zero!” Then Kregg mentioned something about PETA and firebombs and I was all ”I’d only use kittens that were already dead from non-communicable diseases, Kregg. I wouldn’t just go around haphazardly turning live kittens inside-out. I’m not a monster, for God’s sake” and frankly I’m a little insulted I even had to clarify that. I’m doing this to help the homeless. Not for my own personal kitten-mitten collection. I live in Texas, y’all. I don’t even need mittens.
And then I applied for a grant to make the kitten-mittens but they haven’t responded so all the kitten-mittens I’ve made have come out of my own pocket. Because I’m a fucking philanthropist. (Also, in the interest of full transparency I haven’t actually made any kitten mittens yet but I did once scalp and dismember a stuffed rabbit to make an Easter outfit for my kid and that’s pretty damn close.)
Bottom-line? No grant funding. Homeless people are still freezing. Cats are still being wasted. And I can only assume that all of this happened because I’ve been lost in the shuffle since so many people ARE STEALING MY IDEAS.
My ten-year old niece who won a Young Inventors competition for inventing “Crazy Climbers”, which are gloves that sounds suspiciously like “kitten mittens” and are actually mittens. YOU COULD NOT BE MORE OBVIOUS, GABI.
It’s going to hurt me to sue her but it’s still going to happen. I love you but this is what happens when you mess with family, Gabi. Go watch The Godfather.
When you google “kitten-mittens” I’m not even on the first page. Instead it’s just pages of links to this video from “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia”.
And you can see how they tried to avoid a copyright issue by spelling their kitten mittens as “kitten- mittons.” I’m sorry but no. No one’s falling for it, assholes.
This one hurts the most because I actually really like Natalie Dee. And also because it’s sort of brilliant. I mean, why stop with kitten-mittens when you can move to kitten-booties? It was the next logical step and I failed to make it. So I guess this one’s on me. But still, I’m suing Natalie because I bet she’d be fun to hang out with in court. Do you get sit next to the people you’re suing? Because that would be awesome.
Also, I just want to point out that I do understand that sometimes people can come up with the same idea without it actually being “stealing” because once when I was eating peanuts I invented peanut-butter. Because basically that’s how you get peanut butter. Just by chewing up peanuts. I bet when the first person was all “Hey everybody! I just invented peanut-butter!” and spit out a big wad of peanuts he’d been chewing everybody else was all “Are you fucking kidding? We’ve been doing that for years, buddy” and he was all “Yeah, but I just named it. I win.” And that man’s name was Peter Pan. Or possibly Jiffy. I don’t know. We didn’t study peanut-butter history at my school.
Comment of the day:
Hiawatha killed the noble Mudjokivins.
Of the skin he made him mittens,
Made them with the fur side inside,
Made them with the skin side outside.
He, to get the warm side inside,
Put the inside skin side outside;
He to get the cold side outside
Put the warm side fur side inside.
That’s why he put the fur side inside,
Why he put the skin side outside,
Why he turned them inside outside.
It’s been done. Sorry. ~ Smiley (And also Longfellow)