So day one at the Mom 2.0 Conference went off pretty much as planned. Too busy to write a real post so instead I’m just going to transcribe the notes I was taking since I arrived.
Arrived and was discussing porn that was supposed to be delivered to my hotel room while waiting for the elevator. Then I noticed that the person standing next to me and my friend was Heloise from “Hints from Heloise”. Then I’m all “I mean, it’s not for me. It’s to give out to whoever wants it” because that somehow makes it better, apparently. Awesome. I’ve been here 10 minutes and already I just discussed porn in front of an American icon. In her defense though, she seemed nonplussed. She’s pretty famous so she probably gets porn delivered to her hotel room all the time. That’s how you know you’ve made it.
Got dressed for the 1960’s Mad Men cocktail party…
…and I made it for about 20 minutes before I started having a panic attack and I realized I needed a drink but the bartender wasn’t paying any attention to me so I went back to my room to bring down my own bottle of Strawberry Hill that I’d brought in my suitcase because obviously I’m not going to pay for overpriced hotel wine while I was there. So I go to hide in the bathroom and it’s just me twittering that I’m hiding alone in the bathroom and about 10 minutes later two chicks show up with a margarita and sedatives. But not together. Like, one of them offered sedatives and the other one offered booze. They weren’t trying to kill me. They were trying to be nice. I just wanted to clarify that. And this is why I love social media. Because people care that you’re mentally ill and they won’t let you overdose by mixing drugs and alcohol. So I nixed the sedative and had the margarita but I still didn’t want to leave the bathroom so I just sat on the sink and talked to strangers as they came in and about 20 minutes later I thought “I need to get out of this bathroom. I’m being ridiculous” and so as a chick shut the stall door I hopped off the sink, except that my wine bottle was apparently on my petticoat and so I basically smashed an entire, mostly full bottle of Strawberry Hill on the floor. Glass everywhere. Then the chick in the stall was all “Um..what was that?” in this slightly terrified voice and I was “Uh, nothing. Don’t come out!” but it was too late and as she opened up the stall door I panicked and pointed the broken bottle at her and said “I’m not afraid to cut you”. This is when I realized that things might get misconstrued and that I may have fucked up my whole “Don’t cause drama or I’ll stab you rule” myself but she was all “You’re Jenny, right?” which was a relief because then I knew that she’d know to not to take me seriously but it was also a little insulting because I think I just got recognized for brandishing a broken wine bottle in the bathroom.
Then she very sweetly helped me pick up most of the pieces and even took a picture and then I very responsibly went straight to the concierge desk and told them that there had apparently been some sort of horrific fight in the bathroom and they were appropriately shocked and very thankful that I was such a responsible person who would alert them to someone else’s bad behavior who was not me at all. I felt a little bad about that but then this morning they forgot my wake-up call so I think we’re even.
Comment of the day: Can I borrow the kimono, wig, the two people in the background, and broken bottle for the Erma Bombeck writing conference I’m attending in Dayton OH in April? And some coke and a monkey? ~ Julie, The Wife