WTF, me? (UPDATED)

in If I was a dog I'd be dead by now, Just sad, Random Crap, when dogs attack

I can barely even type this because my hand is all swollen but I was just putting Barnaby Jones to bed when he suddenly did this flip which almost broke my flipping-off finger and then he ran in between my legs and I fell so hard that I couldn’t even move and the dog was jumping on my head and I yelled for Victor and I was laying on my stomach and he was all “What.  the fuck.  did you do?” and he started to call an ambulance and I was all “DO NOT CALL AN AMBULANCE” and he came back and was all “If you don’t move your legs I’m going to call the ambulance.  Except that I’m probably going to get arrested for domestic battery because what the hell happened?!” and I was all “The dog tried to kill me” and Victor was like “OUR DOG?  Our little dog did this to you?” and I was all “HE’S LIKE A NINJA!” and he was all “He’s a fucking pug, dude” and I was all I’M VULNERABLE, ASSHOLE” and he was like “Where is all this blood coming from?”  And that’s when I noticed I had a long, shallow gash on my hand and I was all “How the hell did that happen?” and then I realized that I was bleeding BECAUSE I’D BEEN STABBED BY CHICKEN.  And this is when I realized that no one would ever believe this and that Victor was definitely going to jail because who gets stabbed by chicken?  I do, apparently.  But it was a dried chicken breast that I was going to feed to Barnaby Jones so it was totally sharp and apparently quite stab-able with enough force but I’m still pretty sure I’m the only  person in the world to ever get stabbed with chicken.  I win.  Or lose.  And then I told Victor I got stabbed with chicken and he started to call the ambulance again because he assumed I had a concussion but then I grabbed the chicken breast in my good hand and made a stabbing motion and he stopped threatening to call the ambulance because he understood or maybe he thought I was threatening to stab him.  Then he said that he was afraid to call the ambulance anyway because there’s no way anyone would believe that a dog did this sort of damage to me and he said it in a really condescending way and I was all “YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT HE’S LIKE” and Victor was all “Barnaby Jones? Our dog?” and I was all “He would have pushed me down the stairs if we had stairs!” and then I realized I was overreacting and probably in shock.  I shouldn’t even be allowed to type this right now.  I should be wrapped in a warm blanket and not be allowed to go to sleep.  Or I should be made to sleep.  One of those.  Or maybe I need a hot toddy.  I probably knew the correct procedure before the dog tried to kill me with chicken.

PS.  Victor totally owes me because he would have gone to jail automatically because he was only wearing a half-shirt and if you aren’t wearing a whole shirt when the police come you go to jail.  That’s how jail works.

PPS.  It’s a half-shirt in that it’s sleeveless.  Not that it ends under his nipples.  Victor can’t really pull that sort of look off. I don’t know if you go to jail for that kind of shirt.  I’m going to go lie down because I don’t think I’m making sense.

PPPS.  How do you know if your pupils are dilated?  What are they supposed to look like normally?  Why is Web MD so complicated?  Why can’t I stop reading about cancer when I’m trying to look up concussions?  Great. Now I have cancer.  Thanks a lot, Barnaby Jones.

UPDATED: Went to the ER this morning.  Explained the situation.  They wrote “Stabbed by chicken” on my chart.  Then they asked if I had any “psych issues” and I thought they said “psychic issues” and I was all “Like, can I read your thoughts?”  Then they put me in a private room.  Lesson here?  If you fake mental illness you’ll get better service.  The good news is that my finger is not broken but the bad news is that it’s still pretty fucked up so I have to wear a splint until it heals and I have to keep it elevated.  Me, driving myself home:

Stop honking at me. I'm *disabled*, you bastards.

Awesome.  The people in my neighborhood are lucky to have me.

Also, several of you indicated that Barnaby Jones was probably  just acting in self-defense because you’re not supposed to give dogs chicken bones but these are filleted, boneless chicken breasts.  Meanwhile, I’m eating ramen noodles and his sweater cost more than my entire outfit.  Way to blame the victim, people.  I may never play the ukulele again.

No one's falling for it, Barnaby Jones.

UPDATED AGAIN: Okay, so apparently people are finding this post when searching for real concussion advice.  I’d like to apologize to those people. But here’s a comment that my friend left me that might help you: “Here is what dilated pupils look like. Well on a cat. Well on 2 cats. Well on 2 cats that I drew in MS Paint. Whatever. ~ MODG“

See?  Totally helpful.

297 thoughts on “WTF, me? (UPDATED)”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. This is like a magical combo of two stupid things I did. A. slamming my own head in a linen closet door and B. losing a rotisserie chicken for two weeks only to find that my fucking cats had buried in a basket of dirty laundry.

    I’m glad you’re okay(?).
    .-= Maria´s last blog ..I am a tomato =-.

  5. I do believe a hot toddy is the traditional treatment for a dog attack. Unless your genitals get mauled, then it’s straight tequila time.

  7. Dogs are wiley little animals when you anger them. Mine was displeased with me when the hubs was out of town and broke my finger. It swelled OVER my wedding rings and I had to have them cut off. It’s a good thing I like him…well, both of them.
    And my dog HAS pushed me down the stairs. He’s 100 pounds and there was cheese involved. I was merely an obstacle.
    .-= Amy Mayfield´s last blog ..So we all know how I LOVE THE Spanx. =-.

  8. I was totally picturing Victor’s shirt ending under his nipples. I’m glad you set me straight.

  10. My dog tried to kill me once–well actually they both did–it’s a gang thing. It was with ground beef though. They didn’t get very far once they realized they didn’t have opposable thumbs. It was quite sad actually. But now I’ve always got to keep my eye out for them because I can sense they’re constantly plotting against me. Great, now I have schizophrenia (spelled it right the first time!)…thanks dogs.
    .-= gingela5´s last blog ..A Little History Lesson… =-.

  14. Dogs can totally do that kind of damage. No joke. Our dog once bit the ear off a puppy. Only that was dog-to-dog damage, so I’m not sure if it really counts.

    P.S. The puppy totally deserved it. He was trespassing. Sort of. Please don’t hate my dog. He’s actually really sweet. Except when it comes to trespassing puppies.
    .-= Kate´s last blog ..Paint It Black =-.

  16. Isn’t it like really easy to get food poisoning or botulism or lysteriosis or something from chicken? You need to soak that hand in bleach. No not that. It will melt your hand off. You need to do something though because I don’t want you to get sick or worse from something so random.

  17. OMG, I can NOT believe you have a pug. IN YOUR HOME. Everyone knows that those dogs are bred to be aggressive and guard junkyards and whatever and I don’t care HOW WELL you have him trained, my sister in law’s cousin’s pug who was an acclaimed speech writer and who won an Emmy for an episode of The West Wing that he wrote while boarded at the kennel once totally snapped and caused $1,100 worth of damage to a PARKED CAR because he thought the car was the mailman.

    It’s your own fault. Those dogs are dangerous.

  18. See, this is why I have cats instead of dogs. At least with cats you know they’re trying to kill you, so you’re prepared. Dogs lull you with their cute puppy-love act and then BLAM, all of a sudden it’s ninja chicken-stabbing time.

  19. How come you got stabbed by a chicken and I’m the one crying?!?!? Seriously, I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my face trying to read this out loud to my husband and I’m pretty sure he’s on the verge of calling an ambulance himself – except he’s not talking about having them take me to a REGULAR hospital – more of a mental hospital.
    I’ll write more once they remove the straightjacket.
    Meredith

  20. Oh Girl, I understand. My cats try to kill me all the time but no one believes it. Like the whole sleeping on my face so I can’t breathe thing. And being underfoot when I have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I keep telling them that I don’t have any life insurance and they’re gonna end up in the pound if I die but they don’t seem to care about the consequences…
    .-= msdarkstar´s last blog ..Screws fall out all the time, the world is an imperfect place…(3) =-.

  21. One 4th of July, I had to get 10 stitches in my forehead, because my cousin Quinn and I ran into a tablecloth that was hanging on my grandma’s clothesline at the same time, creating a crazy tow-headed collision. His mouth was open, so his tooth sliced straight through my forehead. I staggered over to my parents, bleeding profusely, bawling violently, and my dad was all, “She doesn’t need to go to the hospital, she’s walking. Let’s get some iodine and a band-aid and call it a day.” (Luckily, my mom was all, “Start. The. Car. Now.”) And then my cousin tried to steal my hospital bracelet when I got back. Alex is kind of an asshat.

    Anyways, my point was that I though that was a pretty epic story until now. Congratulations, you just trumped the most epic injury of my childhood. You should get a badge or metal or something.

  22. during the last e. coli outbreak, I diagnosed myself with that (thanks, Web MD!). after all, I had eaten a whole bag of tortilla chips and an entire tub of salsa for a light nosh, just the night before.

    at any moment, I expect to be diagnosed with this new snack food salmonella because I eat cans of Pringles like it’s my goddamn job.

    I also starred in a commercial and was an extra in a movie when I was young, so I am likely to be diagnosed with a tragic overdose soon.

    when that happens, know I loved you.
    .-= thecheckoutgirl´s last blog ..Glad I Didn’t Waste ‘Don’t Cry For Me Avocado’ On Such A Grouch =-.

  23. My mom always said to us kids “It’s all fun and games until someone gets cut with a chicken breast.”

    She was SO right.

    MOM – I TAKE IT ALL BACK. That wasn’t fucked-up crazy mother-talk! You were just way ahead of your time.

    ps: Did you ever feel like maybe you didn’t belong to your mother?? Maybe there is some crazy story whereby you and I got switched at birth in the hospital and perhaps that wisdom my mom kept trying to sell to me was always meant for you, cosmically. Maybe if only we hadn’t been switched, you would have learned that chicken breast lesson YEARS ago and then would have been spared this.

    pps: Also, if we were switched at birth and you grew up in my family, you’d be ridiculed for having a Pug. Trust me on that.

    Signed,
    Linda <— current owner of toy poodle, grew up in a house with a collie.
    .-= JustLinda´s last blog ..Where did FIVE go? =-.

  24. About the half shirt thing… They definately had sleeveless shirts in Con Air.

    take a look ==> http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118880/mediaindex

    And I’m not positive but I think there was a scene in Con Air that included a dude dancing to Sweet Home Alabama in the kind that ended under his nipples. (what are those called?) Can’t find a pic of that though so there is no proof. Though we do have the DVD so maybe I have an excuse to watch Con Air now.

    Get well soon.

  25. Dude. My cats make me fall and hurt myself all the time. The ER people are well aware of this.

  26. You put your dog to bed? What does that even involve? Do you tuck it in? Read it a bed time story?

  28. When I was about fourteen, I was playing steal the flag and slid on the grass in my friends back yard where her dog had been chewing on a chicken bone. The chicken bone had broken off and was really sharp and it stabbed me clear through my hand and I had to go to the hospital and have it removed. It was scary, riding into the emergency room with a chicken bone through my hand.
    .-= angryyoungwoman´s last blog ..happy =-.

  29. If your pupils take up most of the space of the iris (coloured-part) while in normal or bright light, they are dilated.

    Check for a concussion by getting Victor to shine a flashlight into both your eyes in a dimly lit room, then move it way, then shine it in your eyes, then move it away, etc. Shining in = pupils go small, move it away = pupils go bigger. That’s normal. If not, or if pupils don’t do the same thing together, then you probably have a concussion.

    P.S. You are funny.

  30. My mother was almost killed by a FROZEN chicken once. She was a manager at Wal-Mart and this woman tried to return a chicken months past it’s expiration date. When my mom wouldn’t go for that the rather large woman grabbed the frozen chicken and went to jump over the counter to attack my mom. Needless to say, security was called and someone left in handcuffs… and it wasn’t the chicken.

  32. OK, you just can’t make this shit up! Thanks for making me laugh. And, laugh. And, laugh. Good times. Good times.

  33. Little dogs are EVIL! I inherited my grandfather’s dachshund and that little monster trips me down stairs, tries to take fingers and toes off…This would be why I never feed him anything that he could stab me with.

  36. dont feel like you are all alone on your 16th birthday…its ok..there are many of us who have had stupid shit happen…
    one, in band camp..Inot really I never went to bandcamp) but I was cooking in my kitchen and you know those big fork things that you use on a roast…ya that fucker…well it jumped outta my hand and stabbed me in the ankle…

    who the eff gets stabbed in the ankle??? Me…my friend…me!!!

    I see your chicken stab and raise you and stab in the ankle….

    Danon

    http://www.insataiblehost.blogspot.com
    http://www.pantypyramid.blogspot.com
    .-= Insatiablehost´s last blog ..Gratitude with Attitude Tuesdays =-.

  38. as long as both of your pupils are the same size, you will probably live.

    this i all because barnaby jones is jealous of james garfield. you know that, right?

  39. Dude – *everyone* who reads WebMD has cancer by the time they leave. Don’t sweat it. Anyway, the salmonella poisoning and samurai pug will likely do you in first.
    Probably.

  41. You think you have problems? My wife just told me next year that when I make hotel reservations, I can compare my AAA rate to my fucking AARP rate. I do not feel old, and since I have had several glasses of wine and lots of water ’cause we finally got the conditioner fixed so it is not trying to poison me with lots of iron, I will piss on anyone who says differently. And do so easily. Even though I am old.

  42. Your dog reminds me of this little dickhead I went to elementary school with who would get on his hands and knees just behind you and then have some little accomplice of a dickhead push your chest, so that you fall. If your dog is like the dickhead from elementary school, putting a snake in his lunchbox will fix your problem.
    .-= muskrat´s last blog ..the unartistic conception (and, a fisher price sex toy!) =-.

  43. So I just discovered this blog last week, and added it to my RSS and then kinda forgot about it (since it’s in RSS.. you know?) So I’m looking through google reader before I go to bed, and I see this. And I’m like “what the hell is this? What blog is this even from?” But I’m also laughing the whole way through. This is hilarious! Then I clicked through and remembered.

    But the BEST part about my first read-through before I realized what the hell it was was that I didn’t know you had a dog named Barnaby Jones, and until way too far in I thought you were talking about a baby! Which made it that much funnier.
    .-= Alison´s last blog ..Apple Cupcake with Worm – How cute is this?! =-.

  44. Oh. My. This can only be fate.
    BACKSTORY: Ian, my boyfriend, was supposed to get off work early yesterday, at 2. Woop! This gave us 3.5 hours alone in the house before my son came home from baseball practice. You’re a smart woman, and I know you can do the math here. I took the opportunity to get all pretty, which doesn’t happen much during the week because I work at home in my pajamas. A lot. And I like flannel. I put my super fun Pirate porn dvd in and waited, in an appropriate state of mostly undress on the couch, to surprise Ian.

    SHARED FATE: So Ian walks through the door, sees me, does the math pretty quickly (because hey – it wasn’t a story problem) and drops his stuff on the floor. With a huge grin on his face, he throws me over his shoulder caveman style and heads for the bedroom. He’s slamming doors closed on the way – just in case my son comes home early, he says. Whatever. He throws the last door closed. Only the door doesn’t close. Because my head, which is behind him, gets in the way. He actually slammed the door into the right side of my head. It hit me so damn hard, that when he set me on my feet to see if I was okay, my knees buckled and I hit the floor. Clearly, I was fine.

    “Hi, honey. How was practice? How did I hurt my head? It’s not important. OH MY GOD – PUT THE DVD REMOTE DOWN!!!!”

    So my question is this: Does your food taste funny now? Because mine does.
    .-= Lisa D. Jenkins´s last blog ..Let My People Talk ~ a guest post =-.

  45. Hoy, dogs. Yes they are really highly-skilled ninjas. Ours were from some alternate universe where they learned many esoteric techniques for inflicting pain and damage while looking like bumbling fools. The dog I raised from a puppy, Keeva, learned at an early age how to straight-arm (straight-paw?) me in the junk with Jedi-like accuracy. I’m talking weekly here, not just the occasional accident. Bock, who weighed 65 pounds, would jump into my lap unexpectedly and then launch himself off using my right testicle as his jump-off point. And the head-butts, oh dear gods the head butts.

    You’re lucky that Barnaby Jones is only a pug, Jenny; you might have one less limb or something if he was a larger dog!

  47. Hunter, who DOESN’T put their dog to bed? Of course you tuck him in and read a bedtime story! Sheesh.

    And I once had a conversation with myself debating whether I needed to go to the hospital after slicing open my thumb. Seriously, blood spurted all over my kitchen, and I had to debate whether I needed stitches or not. Really?

    And being OCD, I had to clean up the blood before I left for the ER.
    .-= Jen´s last blog ..Why I Write =-.

  48. I wept for you. Well, actually I laughed so hard I wept. Is that the same thing?
    I think that might make me a bad person.

  49. This whole post gives me a great idea that maybe I’ll share with Obama to solve the health care crisis in the US.

    Here’s my thought – it’s in rough-draft format now, so sure, I still have to work out some of the kinks:

    If WebMD made everyone think all they needed was triple-antibiotic ointment, which is available at CVS for 99 cents, then we could drop insurance altogether, just have everyone get diagnosed on WebMD, and then do some collective bargaining for Triple-Antibiotic ointment (I suggest we get it from Canada). Voila’!!

    If I get a big prize for my idea, I’ll totally give you a finder’s fee. I think $10 is fair.
    .-= JustLinda´s last blog ..Where did FIVE go? =-.

  50. Reading this made me realize that, if all the planets had correctly aligned, you would have probably married my husband. I mean a woman nearly killed by a pug wielding a chicken breast is just about the perfect match for a man who lopped off the tip of his middle finger with a yard waste bin.

  51. We just got a pug a few months ago and since day one he’s been giving me weird looks. Everyone’s been telling me that it’s because he’s cross-eyed, but now I know the truth. He’s plotting to stab me with a chicken. Great.

  53. So it’s YOUR fault The People Who Make Decisions keep thinking reality television is a good idea! Because I’d totally watch a guy in a wife-chicken-stabber trying to ‘splain things to the EMT.
    .-= harmzie´s last blog ..Chicago =-.

  58. the other night, i got out of bed to go pee. i stepped over the dog who was laying on the floor…so clearly, i knew she was there. on my way back from peeing…keep in mind that this is the middle of the night…my foot got trapped under the dog (because CLEARLY she moved) and i feel ON MY FACE into the laundry basket. no bruises.
    damn dogs.
    .-= melissa´s last blog ..Oh Business Law, How You Fuck With Me On So Many Levels =-.

  59. You know, last week I cut myself on cheese. I almost wrote a blog about it, but then I thought who the hell cuts themself on cheese. Yes, it was hard and crusted on a dirty plate and it hurt like hell when it lodged itself under my fingernail, but I figured no one would even get it if I tried to explain that cheese can wound you. I am thinking now, you totally would have got it.

  60. I was totally picturing Victor standing over you wearing a shirt that ended at his nipples.

    Now I’m disappointed and feeling shame for being disappointed.

    (P.S. You and Victor should totally come hang out with us April 30th thru May 2nd in St, Louis at the Tornado Alley Roundup. It’s a get together for awesome bloggers who live in Tornado Alley.)
    .-= Ed Adams´s last blog ..Disney Is Effing With Me, Some Not So Tragic News, and They Tried To Warn You… =-.

  61. Hopefully you sucked at the wound and spit out the poison, cause otherwise I’m pretty sure you turn into Big Bird. Slowly. It’s what happened to Bjork, it’s why you never see her anymore.

    On the upside, once you’re a giant bird, you can totally scare the crap out of any dog ninjas.
    .-= Bridget Callahan´s last blog ..True Story =-.

  62. Pugs are the best dogs in the world! What the hell are you talking about woman. Either way, this made me LOL real loud. Thanks, I needed that.

  63. You can NOT make this shit up, those ninja dogs are all over the news! It’s totally not your fault at all! They are striking fear in the hearts of millions!

    Also that “half shirt”? It’s actually called a “wife beater” Not kidding!
    .-= Steph´s last blog ..What to do? =-.

  64. Sometimes I want so badly to comment on your posts because of their awesomeness but I hold back and think, “But… what do you even SAY to that?” This is one of those times. This is a good time to consider going vegetarian… not for health, for safety. 🙂
    .-= Jessica´s last blog ..I Want You To Be Happy (Really) =-.

  65. Barnaby Jones would not have stabbed you with chicken if you had named him My Vagina like you were supposed to. Just sayin’.

  66. I want a little dog, but not a pug. They totally look like Marty Feldman reincarnated, and if Marty Feldman came back as a dog, he’d probably be pretty pissed about the demotion, so it’s only natural he’d lash out with a chicken when the time is right.
    .-= Barbara´s last blog ..A Year of Fail (part 1) =-.

  69. Wow. You cut your hand on chicken, AND Barnaby Jones gave you cancer. I would say that qualifies as a bad day.

    Also, my cats have totally tried to kill me before with their ninja powers. Stumbling out of bed in the middle of the night to go potty… they’ll meow in cute little voices. I’ll reach down to pet them, and normally, they’re very sweet and purring. But once they were just out of reach, so I stepped toward them (and the top of the stairs). I couldn’t find them so I walked a little closer, but I thought I was still far away from the stairs. It was fine until I went to pet the one and the other went between my feet and tripped me and the stairs were RIGHT THERE. I caught myself just in time, but still.
    .-= Peaceandskittles´s last blog ..I win! =-.

  70. At least you were assaulted with a relatively sharp food. My friend cut himself on a clove of garlic. I’m not sure I even believe him – but he has a little dog too, so maybe he’s just protecting the real culprit…
    .-= Domesticated Gal´s last blog ..Dear 18yr Old Me – Suck It =-.

  71. I’m delirious with fever and laughing my ass off picturing Victor wearing a half shirt that ends just below his nipples, index finger in his belly button fishing for lint (like that freaky chicken fucker from Devil’s Rejects) and asking if he should call an ambulance.
    Shit. If I wake my hubby again because of laughter, I’ll get stabbed with an expired Ballpark frank. Last thing I need is to die of frank poisoning!

  72. Go into a really brightly lit room and look at your eyes in the mirror. If your pupils are still really big (larger than a half centimeter across) then your eyes are dilated. Try to get the room as bright as possible but don’t look at the lights.

    This is seriously what you should do. I’m not playing around. If your eyes are dilated really big even after all the lighted room stuff, you should go to a hospital because you may have a head injury. Try talking to Victor, if you’re more incoherent than usual (or actually make a lot of sense) get to an ER. Please. I don’t want to look on your blog one day only to see a note from your editor saying you died of a concussion because you were afraid Victor would go to jail. They can’t arrest him unless you say he did it to you.

    How hard did you hit your head anyway? If it’s not too bad, at least put ice on it (and your hand). Oh lord, getting stabbed with chicken is not at all sanitary. I hope you used some ointment. I’d hate for you to get a disgusting chicken borne infection in your hand.

    But, I really am serious about the hospital. You should go anyway just for hitting your head. If it starts to hurt really bad, like “GIve me a vicodin and vodka tonic” bad, go to the ER!! We love you and don’t want you to be all head-injured.

  73. If you’re able to read about cancer instead of concussions, without randomly passing out, I’d say you’re fine. Only wait, you wouldn’t know you were passing out would you. Maybe concussion is like narcolepsy and you don’t realise it’s happening until you see that bright light coming for you.

    My advice, check your face for keyboard marks. If there is a keyboard imprinted on your face, you should probably see a doctor about your concussion induced narcolepsy.

  74. Yikes! I just finished reading this in google reader and at the bottom it said “add star” and I thought, yes. Jenny definitely deserves a gold star! If I could transport to Texas or wherever your super-secret hideout is, then I would give you a star sticker. Or a sticker of a cute kitty cat. Or a hug.
    As for Barnaby Jones, I would suggest talking back to him in his own language of snark-snuff. He’ll get really freaked out and think that you’re on to him (or that you’re batshit insane and not to be trifled with, which works too.)
    Finally, I just wanted to share that some how for some really strange reason, I always pictured Victor being an angry asian man. I still do when I make movies of your posts in my head. It makes things very entertaining!

  75. Basic Life Support Treatment with Transport: $712.00
    Mileage of 3 miles: $47.25

    This is the bill I got from the fire dept after they told me not to worry as I lay bleeding on the corner of my street. They said there would be no bill. Apparently No Bill means Joke’s On You in Firelandia.

    They put a bandaid on the cut. A BANDAID is not basic Life Support although I may be wrong about that since I didn’t go to MED SCHOOL like firemen do. I’m pretending I never got the bill because I don’t exist. They can’t prove I do because NO PICTURES OF ME BLEEDING Suckers.
    .-= Suzy´s last blog ..L.A. Sign Of The Times #54 =-.

  76. I’m kind of speechless over the fact that not a single person has expressed any confusion/disbelief/open-mouthed disgust over the very concept of Dried Pointy Chicken Pieces. Because…blargh. Seriously. Ick ick ick. No wonder Barnaby Jones has nefarious stabby plans for you! I would too, if you were trying to feed me stabbily-pointed dried chicken bits.

    (Also, I hope you are okay and do not die of stabbing or chicken cancer — but mostly, I am just totally squicked out by the pointy dried chicken image.)

  77. The stupidest way I ever got hurt was when I put on panties. I was already wearing shoes. Shoes with a high heal. One leg was already in my panties, and I lost my balance at the exact moment of putting my other leg in. I put my foot back on the ground so I wouldn’t fall, but my heel got stuck in the panty hole.
    My one leg yanked the other one from under me and I landed flat on my back. With my bare ass. And although it really hurt, I couldn’t stop laughing.
    And that is why people shouldn’t wear panties anymore, they attempt to murder too. And they don’t even need chickens to do it.

  78. Well, it’s good to know that one can make a shiv out of dried chicken if one needs to. Either that or chicken is your kryptonite.
    I’ve been attacked by my Shi Tzu puppy. Sometimes, when he’s excited and licking my face, he’ll headbutt me. It’s not that bad, except that his muzzle fits neatly into my eye socket. Let me tell you, getting a slimy puppy nose right in the eye like a punch? Not much fun.
    I’d like to point out that jumping on your head is puppy CPR. He was trying to save you. Probably out of guilt. Puppies only hurt us because they love us, and we make them so mad sometimes, but we can change them because they are always sorry afterwards.

  82. I’m sure Barnaby Jones saw you coming at him with the weapon chicken breast and was just protecting himself. That said, I’m sorry the dog gave you concussion-cancer, but I hear that it’s got a great rate of success with treatment.
    .-= Theresa Milstein´s last blog ..Operation Write =-.

  84. ya know, that would never have happened if you had gotten that taxidermied squirrel. I hear they are great at fighting ninja dogs. This decision is going to haunt you for a long time.
    .-= Fuegita´s last blog ..Wordless =-.

  85. Oh my! All this on a day a special Snooki is a “Cat Person” post just went up on our site just for you. Well, you now have just earned yourself a second post in the “You know you are NOT a dog person when…” section but this is going to be hard to explain.

    Does your dog spy/work for Morgan Freeman?
    .-= LookieLou´s last blog ..Dear Bloggess! Snooki is a CAT PERSON! =-.

  86. Oh my God! That’s awesome. I mean, as in, awesomely hilarious! But more for me than for you probably. Given that I’m the type of person to literally walk into a wall, and then people are all looking funny at my husband because I’m saying I “walked into a wall” – but I really did – this just resonates. I’ve never been stabbed by crusty chicken though. That’s a new one. Feel better!
    .-= Sam´s last blog ..All of These Things I Said to You…. =-.

  88. Seriously-Barnaby Jones was doing this out of self defense! Chicken bones are hollow & shatter into tiny splinters way easier than other bones & can be choking/pointy thing in stomach hazards. To prove this point to you, Baranby Jones made a shiv out of the chicken breast & showed you just how pointy it was. A bit harsh in my opinion, but I mean the dog has names for his arm muscles-he’s from the school of Hard Knocks & that’s just how he rolls bio-tch.

    Maybe you should have gotten a pit-bull if you wanted points proven written in cursive script on pink flowery stationary “While one apprciates the generosity of this delightful chicken dainty, one does request that this delicacy be excised of these offensive portentous bones. One extends their gratitude in advance to your acquiescence to this behest.” That’s how mine told me he didn’t want chicken bones anyway.

  90. I forgot to write my name in the pugs are hard knocks/pit bulls write real pretty comment-do you accept anyon comments? If not, can you add Kelter to the name? I fail at the Internets.

  92. OMG – I’m glad I read this in the morning. I have now laughed enough that the rest of the day can suck it and I’ll still remember this post.

    I hope your hand is okay. 🙂

  93. OMG- Victor so would have gone to jail– I mean, because of the shirt AND because something similar happened to me once– I was lovingly mauled by the puppy I adopted from the shelter who had no regard for me saving it’s life. And by mauled I mean she bit me on the back of my arm and my whole arm turned purple, so when I went to the doctor that week to get allergy meds they started asking me questions about domestic battery and giving me pamphlets and trying to get me to talk to cops.

    And I was all, ‘yo, it’s my dog.’ And they were all ‘yo, that’s what all the battered women say.’

  95. *shakes head* Jenny, Jenny, Jenny…

    I totally believe you! And chicken is totally stabby. I think that’s why you’re not supposed to feed it to your pets. http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20061019072043AASzIGu *ahem* Maybe Barnaby Jones thought you were trying to kill HIM and only freaked out in self-defense. Chicken is also bad for your cell phone. http://madmothwhat.blogspot.com/2010/02/cell.html

    Just sayin’.

    To cheer you up I will let you know I have:
    almost flipped myself over the upstairs railing while vacuuming the hallway.
    broken a toe on my right foot by standing up (going to get snacks while watching tv).
    sprained my thumb pulling down my pants to go potty.
    almost removed my thumb while using a hand saw to get firewood.
    almost removed my thumb while doing dishes (big sharp chef’s knife!).
    gotten a slight concussion going to the store.

    Again. Just sayin’.
    .-= Elisa´s last blog ..It goes so fast. Or not. =-.

  96. Barnaby Jones is like the best dog’s name ever. “Like” is not used in to indicate metaphor there. Fyi.

  100. Holy crap. And I thought I was having a bad sort of day when my son told me I was stupid because I didn’t understand his question, because all he had really asked me was, “Urgh agba quack quack,” and then I made chicken wings for dinner, and THEY BURNED ME, and then my contact lenses got stuck to my eyeballs and I chew my fingernails because there is oh so much stress in my life, so that I could not pry my lenses off my eyes. But obviously, your day was worse than mine. Although there’s obviously some similarity between our days because I too was holding chicken! It’s like we’re twins.
    .-= Mary @ Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..Scoop on the Poop =-.

  101. I’m really glad you clarified the half shirt part because I was picturing the kind that ends under the nipples and I don’t picture you married to a guy that can pull off that look because those shirts make me think of Hank Azzaria in The Birdcage as Hagadore Spartacus, perhaps his finest role, and btw that’s why they call the kind without sleeves “wifebeaters.” And brandishing a chicken breast is truly inspired.
    Anybody a bit xanaxed down and liquored up can brandish a broken bottle in a bathroom stall, but only a really original & twisted broad can brandish a chicken breast earn some respect for that foul tittie.
    Love love love and envy your blog.

  102. I was just thinking, and I have a theory about why Barnaby Jones may have done that initial flip, which caused all the furor in your household. I think you stabbed him with the chicken. So, in a way, it’s all your fault. I hope you’re okay, by the way.
    .-= Mary @ Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..Scoop on the Poop =-.

  103. dude, not only are you a comic genius, but you also bring out the crazy-funny in all of your readers. that’s some kind of crazy power you have. obama should know about you, so that you’re not tempted to use your powers for evil. i mean, so that you’re not kidnapped by terrorists or something. maybe the state department can find a place to hold you, so that your mind can’t be tampered with.
    i’m only concerned for national security, asshole. (OH FUCK, now it’s happening to me – somebody stop her!)
    .-= Catherine´s last blog ..Independence, inter-dependence =-.

  104. I have put a comb through my hand, been head butted by my corgi (who thinks she’s a seal and I was a penguin in need of being eaten), fallen UP a flight of stairs and sprained my ankle and gashed my chin, split my eyebrow open under the bed (weird story), set my hair on fire while on the phone to Alaska, and numberous other acts of shame. Barnaby Jones will only continue to add to your list of crazy accidents. I’d switch him to kibble. It will be much more plausible for you to have slipped on it or choked on Iams, and less likely to lead to a Darwin Award. Victor or Hailey will get the blame when Barnaby Jones slits your throat with a dessicated chicken breast. Which, can I just say, eeeww. Why dried, and not fresh?

  105. Still alive. But I think I may have broken my finger and my doctor won’t return my calls. Motherfucker.

    Also, the dried chicken breast is boneless and it’s like a crunchy jerky. It’s made for dogs and costs more than real chicken breasts that I would eat if I ate chicken breasts. There is no excuse for his murderous actions. Stop blaming the victim, y’all.

    PS. Best comment thread ever. I love you people.

  108. I can’t believe that it took almost the entire comment thread for someone to come up with the name of the guy I was picturing in my head when you said that Victor was wearing half a shirt. Hank Azaria in The Birdcage! Yes!

    Your commenters may be concussed today too – usually they’re much faster at reading my mind.

    Hope your finger isn’t broken.

    I got stabbed by a vodka bottle once. It was Christmas Eve, and I’m pretty sure they were considering taking my mom to jail because I was only 13 at the time. (It was quite the comedy of errors – my sister fell down the basement stairs and knocked a bottle of vodka off the shelf onto the concrete floor. Mom made me come and help clean it up [like it was my fault or something – I had nothing to do with it – I was 2 floors away from the whole debacle] and I slipped in a vodka puddle while holding a handful of glass. I got 4 stitches in my middle finger {which made for spectacular Christmas pictures} and A LOT of questions about what happened.)
    .-= a´s last blog ..Show And Tell – Stealing Mel’s idea =-.

  109. I don’t think Barnaby Jones is responsible at. all. He might have a female puppy daughter who can help him investigate this mystery, ultimately finding Victor guilty. Because MEN ARE ALWAYS TO BLAME.

    I think you should get checked for chicken pox. But only on your breasts.

  113. lol @ the chicken-stabbing
    Seriously though, I used to work at a prison and a couple times a year we’d have a church or volunteer group bring in KFC or Bojangles for the inmates’. When that happened, there was always at least one officer per unit assigned to go around and count/collect the chicken bones, to be sure they couldn’t be made into weapons. Evidently,. the DOC believes in stabbing by chicken too. Now the question is – has your dog been watching Lockdown?
    .-= Raine´s last blog ..WARNING: I Fight Like A Girl! =-.

  114. Soooooo Glad that you posted this……because I was just entertaining the thought of getting another puppy….I am rethinking…..maybe a pet rock will do just fine.

  117. I just have to wonder about how often your doctor returns your calls “Hey Doc-I got stabbed with a chicken breast-I’m probably gonna need some stitches & maybe something for salmonella. Oh yeah-I might also have a concussion-same incident invovling tucking in a ninja dog named Barnby Jones. Hello Doc-you there?” See-that’s why I never even call the doctor. They just never get it.

    Also-you should pack some of those doggie treats with Barnby Jones next time he has to stay at the kennel since they’ve proved their shiv-worthiness. He can totally own cell block D, I mean the east wing of the boarding facility.

    Sorry for blaming the victim, but from the pics you’ve post of that dog, he’s just too damn cute to imagine him maliciously hurting someone. Maybe he disapproved of your bed time story choice?

  118. Yeah…according to WebMD my side pain is colon cancer and I have 2 days to live. Time to break out the “People I have to mame before dying because they really pissed me off: aka: my sisters in law.” There are eight of them and I only have two days. Can I borrow that chicken breast?
    .-= Kadi Prescott @DigitalKadi´s last blog ..Girly Gourmet: Prejesnas =-.

  119. I once got hit in the face with a box of frozen peas.
    Actually I once hit myself in the face with a box of frozen peas because I was reading the box and misjudged the distance to my face.

    I also once kicked a snow shovel.
    that one required a tetanus shot.

    I love weird injuries.
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..If only I had time =-.

  121. OMG ‘WTF’ is right. I don’t even know what to say. Um, sorry about your chicken-stabbed, blood-gushing finger.

    I know he wouldn’t have liked it, but Victor going to jail in a “chicken beater t-shirt” (LMAO @sims!) accused of stabbing you with chicken would have been F’n hilarious.

    I think you should call the ambulance/cops anyway. He’ll get over it. Eventually. But think of the great writing!

    Love your work! You rock 🙂
    .-= Kernut´s last blog ..I’m a State-subsidized Cube-Dweller =-.

  125. And people make fun of my household injuries? Next time the vacuum cleaner or the clothes hamper attacks me, I’m directing the people that laugh at me here. Thank God I don’t have pets.
    .-= Catazon´s last blog ..No News is Bad News =-.

  127. I’m sure BJ didn’t intentionally try to kill you. He’s probably just pissed because you’ve been paying more attention to the cat. Sounds like he needs some extra special attention. Also, he might be trying to tell you it’s time for steak. Dried chicken doesn’t sound that appealing, plus it’s obviously a household danger.
    .-= Simone´s last blog ..Some of us don’t need additional madness =-.

  128. My wife and I don’t call those shirts “wife-beaters”, but rather “wife-pleasers”. That’s probably because we don’t stab each other with chicken.

  130. HAHA. I actually DID break that finger, and had to wear a stint like that for 6 weeks! It was pretty funny walking around flipping everyone the bird for 6 weeks.

  132. How fortunate that it was your middle finger that needed splinting! Once I slammed my favorite finger in a boat door. Okay, actually it was a sliding door on a boat, but still! It hurt and I had to go to the hospital and have them reattach my finger nail. It was very traumatic. So, it could have been worse.

    PS- I am totally telling people I was attacked by chicken whenever I injure myself. Much better story than being clumsy
    .-= Graygrrrl´s last blog ..Chez Gris: Who Loves Curry? =-.

  133. Your finger injury was way funnier than mine. I hacked a hunk out of my thumb with a mandolin. Not the kind you play, the kind you slice fennel bulbs with. I was slicing fennel and I whacked off a chunk of my thumb. Healthy eating is dangerous. So are pugs. You’ve been warned.
    .-= Nona´s last blog ..It’s a new day =-.

  134. I think Barnaby Jones has a concussion. He has those giant alien eyes in that picture. AND THEY”RE BLUE! Just makes them weirder.

    I’m going to propose that you weren’t stabbed by chicken. You were wounded by the laser beams that Barnaby Jones is able to shoot out of those giant, blue, alien-ass lookin’ eyes of his. I’m certain of this because I’m psychotic.

    Oh wait…I mean psychic.
    .-= Bad Guy Zero´s last blog ..ATTENTION NERDS: Our Leader Is Hittin’ The Road =-.

  135. Suddenly I feel like I’ve met my spiritual twin – I am the most accident prone person I know! I broke my toe with the hairdryer, broke my wrist carrying a coffee pot (really!) and broke my ass on the Christmas Tree!! OK, the bottle of Prosecco and loud 80’s hair band music could have contributed to that last one (it was totally my sister-in-law’s fault and I only broke one gift). The splint is a classic! Karma is giving you permission to flip off the rest of the world – enjoy it!

  136. Barnaby Jones looks like he’s doing his best to be concerned. Fortunately with all those face wrinkles it’s easy for him to pull it off. Maybe he’s hiding some chicken bones in those wrinkles to stab you in the other hand later. If he’s fat and happy and full off of chicken bones then he won’t be interested in your finger, unless he’s a zombie. In which case maybe he’ll stab you with the chicken bones that are hidden in the folds of his skin and then gnaw off something else, like a toe or a nose or something. Either way, he probably has big plans and hopes you sleep well tonight. Zombie dogs can be so selfish and yet so tender all at the same time. Such enigmas.
    .-= Jessalee´s last blog ..Simple pleasures =-.

  137. A cabinet door has tried to kill me on several occasions.
    I don’t know if it thinks it has some kind of inheritance coming from me or if it is just a malicious shitty-ass cabinet made from evil trees.

    Jokes on it.
    I’ve no inheritance.
    Unless you count shoes.
    BUT IT’LL NEVER HAVE THEM!
    NO ONE WOODEN TOE WILL TOUCH THEM!
    .-= WildlyBland´s last blog ..Thoughtful Thursday: Without Thinking =-.

  138. I have this uncle with no frontal skull plate and no roof over his house so that his chickens can live more authentically. I wish I knew why your post reminded me of this. I’m pretty sure there’s some horrific trauma I’ve buried in the recesses of my brain that your pug has just unlocked.

    Thanks a lot, Barnaby Jones.
    .-= Mr Lady´s last blog ..We’re Short A Girl, But We Have The Cup =-.

  140. I think Barnaby Jones has a concussion. Check out those pupes, peeps

  141. The picture of your hand placed on your car door, keeping it elevated as you drive made me choke so bad on the soup that I was drinking that soup came out of my nose. That was disgusting! The whole soup incident, not your hand. I must remember not to eat or drink while I read your blog.

    P.S.- I still don’t get where the chicken came from. If you were going to put Barnaby Jones to bed, why were you feeding him chicken? Does chicken breasts help dogs sleep? Is it like humans going into a turkey coma on Thanksgiving Day? I don’t have a real dog at the moment, so I wouldn’t know.

  142. OMG, STOP!! My stomach hurts & I am crying from laughing! I think this may be the singularly funniest thing I’ve ever read. And I pretty much think that every time I read you, so this is really fucking funny! The only thing NOT funny is that Victor made you drive yourself to & from the hospital!! WTF, Victor? What if she’d been medicated & couldn’t drive? What then?? You need to step up, dude. Even if you are wearing half a shirt(or is it a half-shirt??) & at risk of going to jail. Which you totally should. Fashion jail, any way. And let’s face it, that’s way more dangerous for a guy than regular jail!!!

  143. At least when he begs for food, you can point to your finger with a frowny face and be all, “I wish, dude, but instead of feeding you, I’m forced to give you the bird.
    “You could have had chicken if you weren’t such an asshole.”
    .-= Sarah p´s last blog ..Contest ends today =-.

  144. He sleeps in his crate but I always give him a dried chicken breast to chew on because it helps him settle down. Also, for some reason the chicken breasts are sliced in such a way that they are shaped like knives. I have no idea why this is.

  145. Oh dear lord! I do not believe I have laughed that loud or that hard in quite some time. I do not even know how i found your blog, but I am so very glad that I did. I can tell your blog will certainly brighten my days!!
    And the half shirt…so true, I think that’s an instant ticket to jail with the label “wife-beater” But so glad to know it wasn’t just under the nips!
    Thanks again for a great laugh!

  146. I broke that finger in the back door of the car while trying to lock the front door of the car. I still am not sure how I did it. But I got the FTW splint for a few weeks, which made up for it. A bit.
    Also, couldn’t you just buy your own chicken breasts and put them in a food dehydrator, if Barnaby Jones’ are so expensive? Or, you could put them in a bird cage and hang them out to air dry. My boyfriend’s host family in Ukraine did that with fish, which is horrible and gross, especially since they were downstream from Chernobyl. Plus, they did it with whole fish, heads, scales and all, and then ate them like jerky. My boyfriend SAYS he declined to taste this local delicacy, but I have my doubts.

  147. I think Barnaby Jones’ pupils are dilated! Get him to the vet!

    And why is he wearing a SWEATER in TEXAS in MARCH?

    Speed dialing PETA. You are SO in big trouble. And don’t wave your fucking finger at me, all right.
    .-= V-Grrrl @ Compost Studios´s last blog ..Wild Womans Wanted =-.

  148. According to WebMD, I had a gallbladder infection almost two years and nine months ago. My stomach started swelling and on May 15th 2008 I expelled my gallbladder. Little known fact: Gallbladder’s are baby shaped. We named it Olivia.

  149. Not that I doubt your story, but how did you get stabbed by a boneless chicken breast? Also, you should probably not take pictures while driving one-handed. And on pain-killers. Maybe you only thought people thought you were flipping them off.
    .-= Chris´s last blog ..One is the loneliest number =-.

  150. Jenny,
    I think you should stab Victor with chicken and then make it look like an accident. What kind of husband is he? Not even driving you home after the hospital almost took you away to the crazy room. The good news is, if you do stab him with chicken, you probably won’t go to jail because apparently they think it’s a perfectly valid excuse.
    .-= Stephanie´s last blog ..It’s Water Weight Wednesday Y’All =-.

  153. I’m so glad you went and got checked out. I was super worried about your head wound and the possible chicken-borne infection.

    If you had a head wound, you may have ended up acting like a normal person and we can’t have that.

  154. The chicken breasts are sliced in a knife-shaped way because not only are they made FOR dogs, they’re made BY dogs. Dogs who hate crates. Dogs who in fact get pissed off at the mere thought of being put into a crate. They really are shivs for dogs who get crated or kenneled so that they can try and escape. You might be safer just giving Barnaby Jones one of those stuffing-free supposedly indestructible dog toys soaked in chicken broth or something to chew on. He might be able to destroy it but he won’t be able to stab you.

  155. I really like your new bracelet. It totally makes the outfit. And by outfit I mean splint. Not “stint”, splint. I’ll let the spelling error slide this time as I’m sure it was just the psych meds they had you on.

  157. Those chicken things are like prison shanks. My girlfriend brought a bag of them home and i went to give one to my dogs before deciding they’re like shards of glass. I threw them away, and now I know why: My dogs were going to shiv me in the shower and my girlfriend planned the whole thing. Well, little does she know I know how to make a gun out of a toothbrush and ass hair. It’s on like donkey kong.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Save up To 50% on words. Hurry! Sale Ends Soon! =-.

  158. Um, it’s a good thing you totally clarified what type of half shirt Victor was wearing. Cause if it was truly a half shirt, like under the nipples, he should have been arrest. Maybe for life. I’m pretty sure that’s the sentence for wearing one of those. Either that or they find a time machine and ship you back to the early 80s. Which is equally as bad.
    .-= The Bare Essentials Today´s last blog ..How I got the shaft from books, TV and movies. =-.

  160. Dude, I have totally been stabbed by a chicken!! well, not stabbed per say, more like attacked. Brutally. And it was a Rooster. but that’s the same thing, right? And it was my Rooster. And I was trying to feed it. It flew feet first at me when I opened up its little barn door. An actual barn door, that is not a euphemism for something. you people are sick! anyways, yeah. It was attacking me and it had a hold on my arm in it’s legs and I was screaming for my husband to help me me. I finally got it off me and I can running into the house and slammed the door and I was all bloody and out of breath from fighting a rooster, which is actually illegal in our state and my husband was on the couch sleeping but woke up with the door being slammed and all he said was “Get in a fight out there?” Yes asshole. I did. An illegal one. with a barnyard animal.

  161. i’m still unclear on the chicken. can we have a photo of this obviously diabolical weapon?

    p.s. that dog is evil. baby blue sweater? hello….

  162. Oh those damn dogs….How perfect which finger it is though – that made my day! I broke my thumb twice with a field hockey stick. Hurt like hell and my thumbs are two different sizes now, but got me out of FH practice for a couple of weeks so I thought it was a fair trade off. Love your blog!

    highheelhijinks.blogspot.com

  163. Dear The Bloggess,
    I’m pretty sure you mean that they put a splint on your finger, as stint could mean a short span of time
    as in “Barnaby Jones did a stint at the penitentiary for his heinous act.”
    But he probably deserved it.

    Good catch! Fixed ~ Jenny

  164. Never read WebMD…you always have cancer. And halfshirts do always equal jail. I told my fiance that one day when we were at his moms and well she lives in the country and he was going to work in her yard and he was wearing a half sleeveless shirt and I was all like “if anything goes down and the cops come you’re going to jail for it” and he was all “but I didn’t do anything wrong” and I was all “doesn’t matter, the half dressed man always goes” and he wanted to argue…but i was totally right!

  165. My almost 45# cat got startled the other night and lept off my lap, kind of almost accidentally but maybe a little on-purposefully almost poking a cat-paw sized hole in my femoral artery, but instead nicking my left testicle instead.

    Want to see the splint?

    Seriously though, fucking animals. Can’t live with them, can’t serve them for thanksgiving dinner. 🙂 Hope they gave you decent pain-pills, and if they didn’t you forgot to use the words “It’s a radiating throbbing pain and I can’t even think it hurts so badly, give me Vicodin or I’ll bring my dog in here next time.” which usually works.

  166. My St. Bernard tried to kill me while I was sunbathing last summer. She ran over me. Gave me a concussion and crushed the cartilage in the top of my ear and left a gash in the side of my head. I swear dogs are trying to overthrow humans. Except both of mine think they are humans. And that they’re my boss.

  167. damn I thought dropping the bottle of shampoo on my foot, then hitting my head on the wall was bad…. This is a whole new level of uh awesomeness. Thanks for the laugh. Sorry you were stabbed by a chicken. (ha ha ha)

  169. I cannot keep up with you. When I first read that you were putting Barnaby Jones to bed I forgot that he was the dog and thought he was the pig, who is actually James Garfield, and I about flipped the fuck out when you said he ran between your legs and made you fall. It would make my life easier if you could change the dog’s name to something like Fido or Dog. Thanks.

  171. Okay, cause when you said half-shirt, I was all, “I guess she’s never seen Cops.” Cause that’s the dress requirement for jail–Half shirts with your man-hair and the bottom of your nips peeking out and bare feet. Was he barefooted?

    I’m glad to see I’m not the only one with an asshole dog. Yesterday, my puppies, who are morons by the way, got out of their crates while I was gone and proceeded to shred every single used tampon they could find throughout my house. (I have 3 daughters who all cycle the same. God help me. I also have a septic tank, thus no flushing of the feminine hygiene. And yes, I am sorry. I know this is too much TMI.) I happened to come in the door at the same time my husband did with a guest he “forgot” to tell me was coming over. I told the guest over and over again, that we do not dispose of our tampons in this way. I didn’t want him to think we were freaks or anything.
    .-= joann mannix´s last blog ..Lessons I Am Learnin’ You Today—You Are Welcome =-.

  172. All I can say is “wow”. Oh, and I hope you don’t get chickancer. That would suck.

  173. I’m no expert, nor am I a veterinarian, nor a cat owner, but I am pretty sure a cat’s dilated pupils would still have somewhat of an almond shape, regardless of how dilated they might be. I think you need to Google “dilated cat pupils” and figure this out once and for all, because you might confuse a lot more people than just those looking for concussion information.
    .-= Mary @ Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..Scoop on the Poop =-.

  174. I just looked at your chicken shiv, and I’m thinking you’ve got yourself a possible business in the works. Namely, making shivs for prisoners. You see, visitors could bring in these “chicken breasts”, explaining that they’re food for their imprisoned loved one, but in reality, they’re these amazingly wicked weapons! You could make millions! You could probably even sneak some cigarettes in them, or maybe drugs, if you wanted to.

    Just a thought. You’re welcome.
    .-= Mary @ Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..Scoop on the Poop =-.

  176. Thanks for the clarification on Victor’s half shirt. I was totally envisioning a mesh, under the nips, 80s style shirt that accentuates the male happy trail. I am so glad to know his midriff was covered and just his armpit muffs were exposed. Because that is so much better. Regardless, both of these styles = automatic jail time.
    .-= Alice´s last blog .."Writing Is A Struggle Against Silence" =-.

  177. oh good god. poor barnaby is trying to kill you because you make him wear obnoxious sweaters. no court in the world is going to find him guilty.

  179. OMG I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time both from your story and from the comments! And I too was totally picturing a nipple shirt *shudders*

    One of my childhood injuries – puppies jumped at me and I hit my eye on a telephone pole – still have the scars and once a cat gave me ‘the look’ and I fell down the stairs and broke my tail bone – I could barely sit for 6 weeks!!

  180. dammit all to hell. Now I can’t ever own a pug for FEAR OF MY FRIGGIN LIFE. Or at least out of fear for my middle finger, which basically screws up my life because then I’d be unintentionally flipping people off when I’d much rather do it on purpose. SEE THAT?!
    Plus, Barnaby Jones looks totally evil. I mean sweater wearing dogs are pretty much always mass murderers. Pfft everyone knows that. Except you, but now see it’s a lesson learned.
    On a side note: I can’t sleep now due to the scary kitties. You’re pretty much screwing with my love of animals here.
    .-= Mesina´s last blog ..Ask Me: Blog tips and Gift ideas =-.

  181. I just want the dog. I will take him off your hands and save you, ok? I love pugs. Like LOVE them. I have had 3 and I miss them so much. Cutest dogs ever, even when they are trying to kill you. Oh and I can contest to this because my female Mei use to run up the stairs under me and totally try to trip me and push me down the stairs, I swear to it. 😉
    .-= Kel – rewritingkel´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – My Rob =-.

  182. Ok. So Victor got pneumonia from wearing a wife-beater (according to your latest tweet) and now you are going to be expected to “take care of him?”

    i say, you take the chicken shiv and cut the pneumonia out of his lungs. Then he will be well and have to take care of you LIKE HE WAS SUPPOSED TO IN THE FIRST PLACE.

    and make him put Barnaby Jones to bed tonight too. just for good measure.

    PS: your dog does not look a thing like Buddy Ebsen….

  183. That’s a shame about you never being able to play the ukulele again; I was hoping to maybe hear you play the ukulele on YouTube someday; Barnaby Jones sucks! That is neat that you have a medical excuse to give people the finger, though 🙂
    .-= Jon Pear (a.k.a. NeuroAster)´s last blog ..The Tree and I =-.

  184. I went to the eye doctor earlier this week (not for any chicken-related eye injuries; just a check-up) and they used those drops that make your pupils HUGE and then I went to the grocery store and walked around and squinted at stuff and scared people with my ginormous black eyes. I looked like an alien. Or someone from the x-files who had an alien IN them but didn’t know it yet. And wanted steak.
    .-= Snarkier Than You´s last blog ..It’s Time, It’s Time!! The Eclipse Trailer – Spoiler =-.

  186. I have a pug, too, and those dogs go MENTAL for those chicken breasts. And I go mental when I read this blog entry over and over. Tears. Streaming. Laughing. Ass. Off.

    Thank you. Enjoy being disabled and parking right next to the door of the grocery store for a while.

  187. Vegetarians/vegans all over the world are pumped right now because your chicken breast story is proof that one day our (delicious) meat will rise up and get us back for all of the cheeseburgers and McDonalds fish fillets we have eaten over the years. I’m a little worried, especially since we’re having pork roast tonight.

    Mrs Amanda´s last blog ..Mrs Amanda Recaps Criminal Minds (http://www.weareheretotellyouyouropinion.com/2010/03/mrs-amanda-recaps-criminal-minds_11.html)

  188. This is exactly how the pre-quel to Planet of the Apes started, except it was apes instead of pugs. Pugs are trying to take over the world. Have you seen Men in Black? Pug in that movie…and it talked! I think he’s the Head Pug of this conspiracy.

  189. I have a french bulldog who routinely plots out ways to insult/injure me. I’m sure she’d build a shrine in Barnaby Jones’ honor if I told her about his behavior.
    I can hear her snoring now, so I think I’m safe.
    This post was absolutely hilarious.
    .-= Ryan Christen´s last blog ..Parisian metro =-.

  190. Have you ever considered that James Garfield has brought a curse into your house and it’s not Barnaby Jones’ fault? Huh? Have you? (I have a scar from cutting myself with a butter knife, so what do I know?)

  191. oMg! This is completely hilarious!!! Everyday I suspect that my dog will murder me in my sleep, but then again, my dog has ADD, OCD and a random number of other alphabets-stringed-togethered-diseases, so yeah, I guess we are in a similar but completely different situation. I’m still alive now because I’ve been soaking his BONELESS chicken breasts nightly in some form of gin AND making sure he snores before I do.. so there.. that reminds me. the gin is running low.

    p/s : yes, BJ, you are right to only demand for BONELESS CHIcken. Chicken with backbones will completely destroy you and take over the planet.

  194. I cut off part of my thumb the day before Thanksgiving and when I walked in dripping blood everywhere, the nurse rolled her eyes and was like, “Oh, a baking injury. The day before Thanksgiving. HOW CLICHE.” And then they made me sit in a chair in the corner for two hours before anyone saw me, so next time? I’m going with the stabbed by chicken story.
    .-= Erin´s last blog ..A Follow-Up Letter to the Fine People at International Delight =-.

  196. Dogs CAN push you down the stairs! My mother has a tiny (less than 10 pounds) minpin who has freakish skill at jumping and pushing her tiny paws hard into the backs of yor legs behind your knee so that your knees buckle. Same dog once killed a rabbit bigger than her. Crazy evil!

  197. I just read the update and the last 20 or so comments and is it just me or are there no normal people left in the world? Everyone’s all “ohmygod your poor finger and your dogwillcutyourjugularwithabutterknife later” and not one person notices a fucking NAVY BLUE-EYED pug?

    I really blame you for this but can’t think of a good reason why. Let me just leave it at “YOU KNOW WHY.”
    .-= Suzy´s last blog ..L.A. Sign Of The Times #54 =-.

  200. Here is proof that chicken bones are in fact like knives. This (probably) serious youtube clip says that knives are like chicken bones:

    Therefore, if knives are like chicken bones, then chicken bones are like knives. It’s science. You should just be glad there weren’t any in your chicken. You’re welcome.

    Also: Hope your finger gets better. 🙂
    .-= Kate´s last blog ..Paint It Black =-.

  201. I love you more every time I read your blog-you totally write like I talk-do you enjoy your visits to ADDville? I do , but I have never seen you there-wave next time so I know who you are 🙂

  202. How. the. hell. did you get stabbed with a filleted, boneless chicken breast?

  203. you might ought to reach out to some minimum security prison – you know, where they spend gi-normous amounts of our tax dollars on keeping people who sold a dime bag to their retarded cousin, who couldn’t keep her pie-hole shut about where she got it? – anywho, these chicken shivs could be the next big thang. And Morgan Freeman could do the Big House info-mercial as himself from Shawshank Redemption, getting the instrument of escape into the hands of Victor, who shouldn’t have been in the slammer but for his unfortunate wardrobe choice on stabbing day, with Morgan thereby redeeming himself for the unfortunate cat incident. And you take the dough and start a production company called “Splinted Bird” with your poor swollen, trussed hand, screaming double entendres at every turn and before and just after the credits.

  204. Alert James Garfield (I’m hoping the photo shows up instead of just the HTML):
    see more Lolcats and funny pictures

    Also, when you call 911, you are allowed to be wearing different clothes when the EMTs show up than you had on the moment you called, assuming you don’t have to be focusing on, oh, I don’t know, applying pressure to a wound or performing CPR. So, God forbid you have a problem like this again, but if you do … Victor has at least five or 10 minutes to lose the wife beater shirt and slip into something more respectable. Assuming it’s Victor who has to slip into something more respectable, that is.
    .-= Cynthia Yockey, A Conservative Lesbian´s last blog ..Did Dan Rather tell Chris Matthews Obama couldn’t sell watermelons? =-.

  205. I’d say “Hey, at least you didn’t break a hip, right?” Alas, however, when I said that to my mom she fell and broke her hip 2 months later and had to have it all McGuivered back together (no lie, chica, that’s what the surgeon said when he explained the surgery to my dad) with plates and bolts and such. I don’t think you’re daughter wants to have a half bionic mother, although I think it’s pretty neat, only I wish it was her arm that broke so we could have replaced it with a chainsaw ala Ash, but then I might have to wipe her butt and stuff and I’m not so down with that. I do hope they remembered to use the NICE china on her hip and not the plastic plates because the Texas summers and plastic don’t really go together but I guess I should say “Hey, Jenny, totally fall and break your hip next” because then you totally won’t fall and break your hip and that’ll be totally awesome because then you won’t have a walker although it’ll also totally suck because then you can’t partake in the awesome wheelchair race we had at the hospital between me rolling my mom and the nurse rolling my dad when he had his stroke two weeks ago. Dude, why couldn’t you have done this two weeks ago when we could have had that awesome race? My mom would totally have smoked you. Stupid Barnaby Jones is always late. NEVER TRUST A PUG! YORKIES FOR THE WIN!
    .-= Uriah´s last blog ..Rant, Rave, and then tell a story that has nothing to do with anything =-.

  206. I came back to read the update and laughed until I cried.

    And I have a cold, so it was really messy.

    I’m so glad you are here . . . hope the finger gets better soon. But not too, too soon because it is priceless in the splint.
    .-= The Expatresse´s last blog ..Those Darn Kids and Other Stories =-.

  210. Thank you so much for sharing this hysterically tragic story. It totally brightened my morning.
    My cat tripped me a couple of months ago and I went flying into a door frame, badly bruising my forearm. I felt so compelled to explain what happened to people at work because the injury looked like someone had grabbed me or I had blocked a punch. The same week my husband had a box fall on his forehead and bruise him over his eye. Seriously , really. We almost didn’t want to go out of the house together.
    Thanks again!

  211. That was hilarious!

    I don’t have time to read all the comments, so someone may have mentionned this, but that article of clothing (half-shirt) is called a wife beater by some. Which is why they arrest you, I guess!

  214. Stabbed with a chicken breast? That is so last year. Just ask my dog. I win!

  216. My husband and I were “fooling around” when I fell over and broke my wrist. He was so worried that the hospital workers would think that it was spousal abuse that he kept LOUDLY explaining to everyone (maintenance workers included) that WE WERE HAVING SEX! So much for discretion.

  219. oohhhhhh my god I was laughing so hard. How do these things happen to you? It’s like you’re blessed with ridiculous stories to write ab out. Yes blessed; I’m sure you agree! But I guess that’s kind of a hard concept to agree with when you’ve been stabbed by a delicious boneless chicken breast. Did Barnaby Jones try to knaw it off your hand post-injury?

  220. Was this a raw chicken breast? Because if it was, you probably have salmonella poisoning as well. Just saying…

  222. Crying. Crying laughing. And on one of the mornings I chose to put on eye makeup. Thanks alot.

  223. I started laughing at the title and I’m only half way thru the comments and I”m laughing so hard I’m crying too.
    Y’all are the funniest people on the planet. Thank you Bloggess and fans/friends/commenters/stalkers..I needed to laugh pretty desperately today.

  224. Your injured finger pic made me fist pound my desk. I found it that funny.

    Sorry to laugh at your pain (yes “at” not “with” because, let’s be honest, you’re probably not laughing but I sure as hell am) but flipping off every driver and pedestrian you pass because of your disability? Well, that’s just the best disability I’ve ever seen.

  227. epic! i’m crying too. i have this weird hives cluster on my neck and i’m convinced it’s some rare viral thing that will take eons to diagnose but will eventually leave me totally paralyzed. wtf. barnaby jones is too damn cute.
    .-= Patty Punker´s last blog ..i’m in big trouble =-.

  228. Okay, I really don’t have anything interesting to add to the conversation here, I just wanted to say how much I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this post. I was crying from laughing so hard. Thank you for your wit! You brightened my day. 🙂

  229. Well. Even more reason for me to never ever go into the kitchen! See…should live by my motto “If I didnt birth you from my loins, Im not responsible for feeding you” TAKE THAT Baraby Jones! Good luck feeding yourself ninjabeast.

    PS–I think that you should drive with that finger out all the time just so people are aware of the dangers of chickens & ninja pugs
    .-= singlemomma_cc´s last blog ..Domestic what? =-.

  230. I have a pug, and while they look all sweet an innocent they can get vicious and turn on you in a heartbeat. My own pug is too fat to be considered a ninja, but she’s got some chompers on her. Once she was chewing on a rawhide (a rare delicacy for my dogs) and stared to choke, so I reached in her mouth to dislodge the rawhide from her throat and she bit down on my finger so hard her tooth actually went all the way through my fingernail and into the nail bed underneath. I realized that she would rather DIE than for me to take her rawhide away.

    Now I have a funky dent in my nail. I guess that is what I get for trying to save her life from the time the rawhide bit back. It’s a good think she’s cute and lovable most of the time. My bloody stump of a finger still hasn’t quite forgiven her though.

  231. I think you need to get another dog. Maybe one that would defend you from Barnaby, and hopefully not take his side and help with the finger thing.
    .-= Joeinvegas´s last blog ..New layout =-.

  232. um….Jenny, I hate to break this to you, but Barnaby totally stabbed you with something other than chicken. Filleted, boneless chicken is a singularly poor stabbing instrument. Apparently, he was feeling stabby and that sentiment is not relegated to angry humans. Were you not feeding him fast enough or something?

  233. And why is there NO photographic evidence of Victor wearing a sleeveless half shirt? Come ON. You can’t describe something like that without explaining WHY he would own, much less WEAR, such and thing and then show pictures.

  234. This is the first time I have ever read your blog. I like you. I like your dog. I thought things like this only happened in my house. I also like the lady who lost the rotisserie chicken in her laundry. I once lost a huge bowl of penne pasta in my car.

  236. If I was your dog and you made me wear that sweater I would lure you with cute puppies looks to a place that actually had stairs …really Jenny WTF is up with the sweater? I will give you a hundred bucks to take the dog to the dog whispering so she can ask him how he feels about the sweater and he will whisper in her ear….I want to bite her throat and it’s not even my color.

  237. Hey, I totally believe you. Pugs are kamikazes. Mine swept my then 2YO daughter’s legs out from under her right into a side table. Trip to the ER, stitches in the head, the whole thing.

    Pugs are dangerous, people.
    .-= NaysWay´s last blog ..iPlay: Blue Öyster Cult =-.

  238. This is how little dogs get their revenge because people make them ride in purse or wear silly clothes. My Peke Blitzkrieg is missing an eye, which they tried to tell me was because he was abused but I don’t think so. I’m sure it happened when he tried to take out some one who tried to make him wear a sweater and started a bar fight to get out of it. Don’t believe me? Whenever I try to take him to a bar they tell me he’s not allowed in. BECAUSE THEY KNOW.

    The best part of the story is you injured your middle finger. You can give them the finger without giving them the finger, which is you know. very third grade.
    .-= Condo Blues´s last blog ..His and His Embroidered Towels =-.

  239. God, did I need this. Between hormonal issues (menopause) and deep depression, I haven’t been near the computer for a few days. This really made me LOL! I needed this big laugh. Thank you Jenny!

  242. You don’t understand. He NEEDS the sweater. It’s more of a girdle. It’s like spanx, but for dogs. Without the sweater he’s horribly self-conscious and mopey. Honestly, it’s hard to watch.

  246. Yeah, so I know you already fixed the Stint typo, but a stint actually can be medical. It’s something they put in the heart valve or something… Although, it’s spelled “stent” so I don’t even know what kind of doctor you saw that thought you needed heart valve repair with a stint because of a dog-related chicken stabbing.

    That is called malpractice and I’m sure you can sue for that.

    Maybe.

  247. I just found your blog and am furious I have been missing out all this time. I laughed until I pee’d (damn pregnancies…never used to happen) when I read about your chicken bone accident. My husband is an optometrist and I showed him that cat’s dilated pupils. He said they look fine, a little crazy but probably fine.
    .-= Briley Ryan´s last blog ..To Spank or not to Spank =-.

  249. So, I read your latest post and started choking with laughter (I’ve had a chest cold, I’m a little fragile!). I went to my boyfriend in his office playing video games cause I just had to explain how funny your post was. “So, chicken bone…tiny dog…MIDDLE FINGER BUSTED!!!” apparently isn’t enough to show how funny you are. But he just doesn’t know. And you’re still my hero Jenny.

  252. i got woken up @ 5am today by my asshole cat and have been really pissed off ever since. i was still brooding and i had the thought to read me some bloggess… totally feeling 62% better, like, i may not even stab my cat today for her transgressions. so now you can truthfully say your blog makes people 62% happier AND possibly saves the lives of cats. so what i’m saying is, THANKS!

    cheers!

  253. I raise your stabbing with a chicken breast with my slicing my thumb open on a hamburger patty. An uncooked patty. It was those frozen ones and I tried to separate them and I guess they are sharp so I sliced my thumb open and it wouldn’t stop bleeding for a while. Team Cutting-Ourselves-on-Meat FTW!

  254. OMG you can totally get James Garfield on a bag. Or pillow. Or whatever. You could make a purse and have him with you all the time. You could have your James Garfield confidence dress for conferences. Dang. http://www.spoonflower.com/fabric/92609

    Sorry about your dog and his homicidal tendencies — I’m a veterinarian and I’m here to tell you people, your pets…they are plotting. Seriously. But its true, cats are worse, cause they are sneaky and well armed.

  255. “Ma’am, there’s no need to be afraid, you can tell the truth.”
    “No, seriously, it was completely my pug stabbing me with chicken.”
    “Domestic violence is a terrible thing ma’am.”
    “Do you arrest dogs for that these days?”
    “Ma’am, we’ve read your blog. Victor seems like a very angry man.”
    “You’ve read my blog … ?”

    And so on.
    .-= Ninja´s last blog ..High rolling risk and low rolling reality =-.

  256. I don’t know where I have been, lost, I suppose, but I just found you and I think you are very funny!
    This is a great story, sorry about the finger though.
    .-= Annie´s last blog ..Random Thoughts… =-.

  257. Wow… just wow. Now I know why I’m a vegetarian. Chicken is dangerous!

    And I’m happy I’m not the only one who thought “half-shirt” was a midriff baring one, and I was wondering if the horror of the ninja-dog chicken-shiv attack was being compounded by a fashion faux-pas. I’m also happy to hear that it was not, in fact, midriff baring so much as shoulder baring, therefore tough-guy.

    But seriously, I hope that your finger gets better and that your doctor calls you back. Maybe Victor should wear his half-shirt and go “talk” to the doctor about the etiquette of returning phone calls. It’s not like your doctor needs to be following any Rules on returning phone calls (“What if she thinks I’m too eager to see her injury again? I can’t seem desperate to give her medical attention… I’ll just wait a few days, play it cool…yeah, then I won’t seem like some sort of doctor-geek eager to see patients again…”)
    .-= jenny gee´s last blog ..Free time =-.

  259. My youngest kid (he’s 4) fell of the back deck and managed to inhale a sweet gum tree ball (you know, those prickly things that get all over the yard in the fall) INTO his throat. The only reason I knew about it was because he came inside and opened wide to show me the laceration marks on his tonsils. SERIOUSLY!!! I mean, how the hell does that even happen? Was his mouth wide open when he walked off the deck? And why did he walk off the deck? And why didn’t his hands break his fall? I just can’t explain it…

  261. Yeah, I’m thinking that if I was Barnaby Jones and I was being forced to wear that sweater, I’d be in the mood to attack someone too.

    Just kidding, get well soon.

  262. this friend of mine got this wicked bad infection in his thumb that spread into his pointer finger on his right hand and they had to operate and then keep it elevated and his splint had his hand making an “L” and he had to stay in bed with the traction thingy that kept it elevated and the elevation had it just over his head so he looked like he was giving himself the “Loser” L all day long – not as portable and useful as yours, but pretty, pretty, pretty funny

  263. I’m pretty sure Barnaby Jones was just mad at you because your manicure is way nicer than his. I mean, look at your lovely set of nails with the middle one classily elevated and shiny-fied, then look at his. They’re pointy! And all black! And there’s no shiny splint! If you would have taken him to the nail place more often this never would have happened. *And* you made him wear a Ted Bundy sweater. Animal cruelty doesn’t pay, Jenny.
    .-= ajnabi´s last blog ..The Collection Thus Far, or, Your Advice Needed =-.

  265. Oh my, I have complete sympathy for you as I wipe the tears of laughter from my eyes. You see, I’m a dog trainer by profession and therefore can understand the “stabbed by chicken” predicament. I too have suffered grievous injuries in several humiliating dog related incidents. The chicken is a new one on me though. Hey, at least you have a reason to shamelessly give everyone the finger for the next few weeks!

  267. See the heights of humor to which you inspire your commenters? You should totally give classes in this stuff.

    And? Yes! How DO you put a dog to bed? Urgent need for relevant instructions over here since LucyHound has decided to take over our bed. She’s pushing hubs out his side even as we speak…
    .-= gurukarm (@karma_musings)´s last blog ..I’m Not Going to BlogHer’10 =-.

  268. You totally said Ninja. Again. I will lick you when I see you. Your hand looks sore. Hope it gets better really soon so you can do your Sunday roundup on time so I’m not refreshing all day waiting for it. But I know, you’re not well… so that’s okay. Totally. Maybe you need to keep it elevated. Not just one finger? Maybe all fingers? Just a suggestion. Meanwhile as of 12 hours from now, I’ll be hitting refresh. But, no pressure.
    .-= Jo (Mediamum)´s last blog ..How to avoid people using location-based social media =-.

  269. I don’t know what this says about you, but if this happened to anyone else, I wouldn’t believe them. But I actually believe you. I guess, like me, you are a victim or living by Murphy’s Law. However, because you are wicked funny, you are more doomed than those of us with only reasonable senses of humor.

    Feel better. Have a restful Sunday. That is quite a picture of your finger. (You know, there is a saying that some people just come out of the womb with their third finger pointed at the world. Hmmmm……)

    My most appropriate post from the week to post here? Women talk about sex and intimacy…

    http://anonymous8.com/women-talk/women-talk-about-sex-and-intimacy/

    Thanks,
    Sarah Baron

  270. I think I have a stich from laughing so much. So, yeah thanks for my new injury. I’m going to have to go onto WebMD (or CancerMD)and get told I have cancer on top of everything else now. Cheers for that.

    How awesome is it that it was *that* finger that got screwed up? You have an excuse to just randomly swear at anyone now. I hate you.
    .-= Forgetful Girl´s last blog ..Do I get a certificate? =-.

  275. Love, love, love your blog. I can relate to getting stabbed by a headless chicken scrap – In dog terms, before my younger brother’s wedding, my Dad decided to play frisbee with our chocolate lab, Bailey, and since her sole purpose in life is to get her frisbee and bring it back to you to throw it again and again, she got to0 overzealous in her retrieval and came at my Dad full force and took my Dad down at the knees. He ended up with a broken leg. The next day at the wedding he was hobbling down the aisle. In stupid people land, I once broke my pinky at work because I tripped going up the steps….then I had to get drugged tested because who really trips going up the steps and they had to make sure I wasn’t up to no good (which I wasn’t)……good times, good times.
    .-= Kristin ´s last blog ..Cincinnati Fashion Week Logo Launch Party is almost here….. =-.

  277. WOW and I thought I was the only one to have a crazy weekend….my 90-year-old mother-in-law body slammed me…somehow – we’re still unclear on how it happened though my husband watched the whole thing. He can’t seem to articulate exactly what occurred yet because every time he tries he just ends up laughing too hard to get any real words out. All I’m aware of is I was on lying on the floor, a safe distance away, reading a magazine when suddenly something slammed into my back HARD! I’ve heard him sorta call it WWF Smackdown??? does that make sense?

    You win though because you actually have a wound to show for your ordeal.

    feel better soon!
    .-= Lita (Jen)´s last blog ..Everything’s Bigger in Texas =-.

  278. Best. Injury. Ever. =D

    I totally think you should win some lifetime achievement award or something.

  279. I would have commented earlier when first posted. But I am number 279 so I have been standing in line for a freaking loooooooong a** time. Hey have you met my BFF Suzy from Hollywood :-)) I think you have soooo don’t tell her I was here and manage a laugh sssssh!
    .-= dar´s last blog ..Through Moms Window / I am Nobody Special =-.

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  285. Once I was hit in the back of the head with a frozen cat.

    Yep. You heard me. Frozen cat.

    This is a true story, I swear! Came home from vacation and found that our 19-old siamese cat had died. So my idiot boyfriend stuck him in the freezer. A couple of weeks later we were on our way to a friend’s place to give the poor cat a proper burial. But the boyfriend, being a major dickhead, started a huge fight while speeding down the interstate. I called him an assmunch or some other colorfully accurate name and he slammed on the brakes causing the frozen feline to fly from the back seat and smack me square in the noggin. Then he kicked me out of the car so I had to walk a mile to the next exit. Luckily, the headrest was just high enough that it kept me from getting a concussion (whew!). Try explaining that one to the emergency room staff.

    Kel

  286. I just read this again and it may very well be my favorite blog post of all time. Seriously.
    I knew pugs were cheeky bastards.
    .-= Wynn´s last blog .. =-.

  287. I too have a dog named Barnabe Jones! I just fund out about your blog from a friend and laughed my A$$ off until I cried! I can picture this happening with my Barnabe too! Must be a name thing! I’m addicted to your blog now!

  289. I’m totally late to the party, but I’m bored at work waiting on media lines, so I’m playing backwards catch-up. Anyhow, I once stabbed myself with chocolate, so I totally believe you can stab yourself with chicken. It was the most tasty injury I ever had, but still sad.

  290. The poor pug just wanted to dance with you, you two-left-footed ballerina. OK, the chicken was a guy, and well, sorry on behalf of all of us. We poke whatever.

  291. Ohhhhh my gawd that was funny!

    I am one of those 911 operator aliens that gets totally grumpy when Daylight Savings rolls around and on night shifts I gotta work from 6pm to 6am and sometimes on days where there is no saving of the daylight ie abducting and probing dumbass humans…snicker snicker….I get really really bored and then I found your blog and laughs galore and I just wanted to say thank you and I will be in touch with my 911 compadres in Eastern Canada and you will be spared a probing come next daylight savings. Unless of course you want it. You seem like that type.

  292. Okay. So I’m re-reading all of your old blog posts. You’re welcome. But I have a question *which you may never answer because this is a year old post*

    I have one pupil that is larger then then other. *All the drs tell me and ask: Did you know that? I answer: Yes, because you ALL TELL ME THAT. So I knew since the first eye dr. You guys are weird* So does that make me half alien and half human?

  293. I once was stabbed by a potato. Unfortunately, I got blood all over the potato. I had assumed that because it was a potato stab that hurt me, i would most likely not bleed. That is not true. Potatoes will cut you so fast, you won’t have time to staunch it before you bleed out. And then you will ruin the scalloped potatoes you were trying to make.

  294. A ‘half-shirt’ *is* a crime punishable by imprisonment.
    The fact you have both Victor and Barnaby wearing them is quite disturbing…

    However, I do love that Victor can request “Jenny give me the little BJ” –

  295. my friends dog once stabbed me with his eye, so I think the point is that DOGS are out to kill us. Or they’re just not as good at hiding it as cats are.

    (here is how it is possible to get stabbed by a dogs eye:
    have a shaggy dog
    let him go outside
    make him run through the thorny part of the yard, ensuring that the grass is taller than him
    try to clean the hair out of his eyes, and discover that he had donned thorn shields in his bangs)

  296. Oh wow, I just read that someone got stabbed with a potato, and I believe it, because I almost put out my eye with a chunk of raw potato once! And everyone I tell the story to thinks I’m crazy. So it’s good to know that I’m not the only out there possibly terrified of potatoes. I swear, it flung out of the pot of (thankfully not yet boiled) water, straight into my eye, and scratched my cornea. It was the worst/stupidest injury I had ever had.

  297. So several years later and I come across this blog 🙂 I love that I’m not the only weird injury person! One time I was hurrying around trying to help my hubby get ready for a big job interview and had just finished ironing his tie. Being young, excited, and silly, I took to running through the hall to give it to him so he could be on his way out of the house. Somehow, the tie sagged down and tripped me causing me to fall into our vacuum cleaner. I fell just right and just hard enough for the triangle cord wrapper/holder thing to impale itself in my side….my husband had to pull it out of me before he ran off to the interview. (He offered to stay home and miss the opportunity, but I insisted it was mostly my pride that was wounded!)

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Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

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