So last weekend Victor’s company had a family retreat on a cruise-ship, which would have been nice if I wasn’t terrified of water, giant squid, flying and fucking everything else involved in this trip. Still, you can’t say no to a free family vacation (because Victor wouldn’t let me) so we packed up and headed to Miami. Then when I was getting on the plane Hailey said “Look. A pirate” and I started to shush her because last time she did that she was pointing at an elderly woman who had a hook for a hand but then I looked up and there was a motherfucking pirate on the plane. Then I tweeted that out because how do you not share something like that with the rest of the world and of course no one believed me so I tried to take pictures but he’d already sat down so when we hit Miami I planted myself in front of the airplane doors so I could get a shot of him and Victor was yelling at me to hurry up and I was all “PEOPLE ARE QUESTIONING MY INTEGRITY ON TWITTER SO BACK OFF, DUDE” and he sighed grumpily but just then the pirate came out and I got a blurry camera phone picture of him. Then a lot of people on twitter apologized for doubting me but several pointed out that he was more likely dressed as a patriot for a Tea-bagger convention and then I just felt betrayed and I was all “Fucking Republicans ruin shit for everybody” and Victor was all “You know what would be nice? If just one family vacation didn’t end with you blaming Republicans” and I was all “This is why nobody trusts Republicans, Victor” and then he made me promise not to talk to anyone at his company about anything ever. Apparently he forgot about that because as soon as we got to the hotel he asked me to go help his coworker stuff notebooks for the retreat which was just a horrible suggestion. Victor’s coworker and her husband asked if I’d gone down to the ocean yet and I said that I couldn’t really appreciate it because I kept thinking about all the dead bodies in the water and they both got really quiet and I was all “You guys do watch Dexter, right?” And they were all “Oh, yeah. Dexter’s great.” But then later I found out that they don’t have cable and they thought I was talking about Dexter’s Laboratory. True story, y’all. Victor’s coworkers thought I was freaked out about a cartoon character dumping corpses in the Miami bay. Awesome.
When we were done I walked back downstairs to our hotel room and if you looked out our front door and to the left while you stood on our suitcase you could almost see the ocean, so yeah, it was a pretty great room. Also, the walls were paper thin and around midnight Victor and I were still working on our laptops while Hailey slept when suddenly the room next to us was filled with the voices of four drunken men who were so loud it was like they were in the room with us.
Loud drunks next door: “SHE DOESN’T DESERVE YOU, MAN!” “SHE’S A DAMN SKANK, DUDE.” “YOU ARE THE MAN!”
Loud drunks next door: “YOU ARE SO MONEY AND YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW IT, MAN!”
me: Awesome. I’ve just entered the set of Swingers.
Loud drunks: “YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO? WE SHOULD BE BEST FRIENDS FOREVER!” “ROAD TRIP! WOOOOHOOO!”
This is when I called man at the front desk and asked him to tell the guys in 112 to keep it down and also to tell them that everyone in room 110 agrees that that skank does not deserve him except for the 5 year old who now wants to know what a skank is and the front desk guy said that he’d call the room immediately and tell them that but then he totally didn’t and do you know how I know? Because I can hear their phone, Best Western. You guys are fucking liars.
The next morning we boarded the ship and I had a mild panic attack as we got ready to be called to our muster station for an emergency drill, because there’s nothing more calming than acting out a scene from the Titanic as soon as you get on a ship. Hailey loved it though and carried around her lifejacket yelling “This mustard is awesome!” and I didn’t say anything because I didn’t even know where to start correcting her. Then the person doing the drill assured us that there were plenty of lifeboats which were made out of a material that makes them “unsinkable” and first of all you shouldn’t say “unsinkable” on a cruise ship because didn’t you learn anything from the Titanic? and secondly why didn’t they make the cruise ship out of the same material? No one had an answer. Then they showed us pictures of stuff to do on the cruise and one of the things was to get your picture made in front of A BACKDROP FROM TITANIC and I was all “Are you fucking kidding me?” and no, they totally weren’t. Then we sailed off toward the Bermuda Triangle. None of this is made up.
This is where I would type the rest of the story because it involves bloodloss and penises in boxes but I can’t because my finger hurts and I think it might be broken so I’m going in for more xrays in the morning. Also, I’m on a lot of painkillers. Have I mentioned that? To be continued. Probably.
Comment of the day: Why, exactly were you “fucking everything else involved in this trip”? I can understand why Victor was upset. ~ Mojo