I honestly still don’t know what the answer is. UPDATED: Wait. Yes, I do. But I think I was happier when I didn’t.

Conversation with Victor at iHop:

me:  Ugh. I hate it when they don’t give you enough spaces to write the answers.

Victor:  What?  Why the hell are you doing the puzzle on the kid’s menu?

me:  Because you’re too busy playing with your phone to talk to me and also because puzzles help stave off early dementia.

Victor:  But you’re not even doing them correctly.  You don’t draw in extra lines in fill-in-the-blank.

me:  I realize that, but it doesn’t fit otherwise.

Victor:  Are you fucking kidding me?

me:  I know, right? I thought it was inappropriate too.  I mean, this is supposed to be for children, for God’s sake.

Victor:  I’m reasonably sure the answer is *not* “Hiding the sausage”.

me:  I tried “Bury the bacon” but that didn’t fit either.  “Grasp the links?”

Victor:  I don’t know what’s more tragic.  The fact that you’re doing the child’s puzzle, or the fact that you can’t figure out the child’s puzzle.

me:  You now, you could help me instead of making fun of me.

Victor (going back to his phone):  If I help you you’ll never learn.

*long silence*


Then Victor made me leave because I was “causing a scene” but I think it’s more likely he was just embarrassed that he couldn’t figure out the answer either and now I’m worried that we both have early-onset dementia.  This has been haunting me for weeks, y’all.

PS. Okay I just googled “take the breakfast meat” to see if that gave me a non-smutty answer and this was the most relevant thing that popped up:

Yeah. It's a link to an extremely raunchy video about...um..."playing hiding the sausage".

Awesome. I rest my case.

UPDATED: After many impressive guesses (Ham and Go Seek, Grand Ham Theft, Swipe the Tripe, Pound the Sausage, Pilfer the Pork, Hide the Salami) several people finally insisted there was an actual game called “Steal the Bacon“, which I’ve never heard of and doesn’t even involve real bacon.  It’s basically a variation of “Capture the Flag” but instead of a flag it’s bacon.  Except the bacon is actually an eraser or a mitten or something.  Why?  No one knows. So it’s basically the shittiest game ever.  Thanks for wasting everyone’s time, IHOP.

Comment of the day:  Steal the Bacon? Really? Huh. Never heard of it. Probably because I was raised Jewish, and the only thing we hide is matzo. Oh, and Anne Frank. ~alonewithcats

186 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Ham and go seek?

  2. i can’t help. i’m gonna go with your answer being the right one and the people that printed that kids menu just screwed up with their line count. dumb menu printing people.
    .-= melissa´s last blog ..It’s Completely Obvious That I Am NOT The Alpha (Fe)Male =-.

  3. There is a game called “steal the bacon.” Which fits. But I have no idea how to play.
    .-= Edgy Mama´s last blog ..Weekly parent: Where were postpartum doulas when I was popping offspring? =-.

  4. I am sad for you!

    You never played “steal the bacon” as a child?
    .-= JulieFrick´s last blog ..Tim and Annabel are Good Folks =-.

  5. Everyone knows that “Take the breakfast meat!” is what Jimmy Dean yelled at his mistresses right before he delivered the Grand Slam.

  6. @TheBloggess Steal the Bacon. For rules: http://bit.ly/bOMYUn
    For laughter: http://www.bloggingdangerously.com
    .-= Kit´s last blog ..Carmen Electra =-.

  7. To pour more salt in your wounds, I don’t think it’s written “iHop”.
    .-= Marinka´s last blog ..How to Give Your Wife The Perfect Birthday Gift (During the Recession) in 16 Easy Steps =-.

  8. I too am a little bothered that you can’t work out the child’s
    puzzle. Where is your inner child? Did you suffer a schizophrenic break??!!

  9. Dude! I was totally on the phone ordering flowers for a funeral when I read this and I almost spit into the phone when I read “hidin’ the sausage.” Try and explain that to the sympathetic florist!!
    .-= Jill´s last blog ..Gratuituous Cute Baby Video in 5…4…3… =-.

  10. Yeah I’d have thought of “hide the sausage”, too.

    Also, you have the most insanely neat & tidy, yet child-like, handwriting. ever.
    .-= Dangerous Lilly´s last blog ..e[lust] #10 =-.

  11. Unfortunately I think I know this answer. But hidin’ the sausage is so much better.

  12. Umm. Steal the Bacon? Is that an actual game? I don’t believe it.
    I prefer “grasp the links” myself.

  13. takin’ the bacon

    it fits BOTH!
    .-= jannypie´s last blog ..My New Apartment =-.

  14. I have never heard of “steal the bacon”. I can only assume you people are making this up to fuck with me.

  15. Hide the sausage has always been my favorite outdoor game. As an adult, that is. I don’t want you to think I meant as a kid, because that would just be creepy.
    .-= Jenn´s last blog ..And Then The Dog Totally Frenched Me =-.

  16. I, unlike Victor, LOVE that you added extra lines. Why be constrained by conformity?! Spoken by the girl whose mother was told by her first grade teacher that she colored like a kindergartner.

    IHOP once served me garbage – actual garbage – bobbing at the surface of my hot chocolate. My darling husband wouldn’t let me return it or complain about it for fear of ‘shaming’ our senior citizen server.


  17. “Bring the Bacon”? It fits, but earning a decent wage isn’t exactly child’s play…at least, not in this country.
    .-= Genevieve C´s last blog ..The Best Granola Bars, or, Love Will Make You Sleepy =-.

  18. Just googled “steal the bacon.” Seems to be real.
    .-= Katy´s last blog ..Good Things =-.

  19. I never heard of “steal the bacon” either. They are SO making this up to fuck with you!

  20. Pull the sausage!!

  21. Jenny, I’ve never heard of “steal the bacon” either. I bet these jackholes are just trying to drive you insane. You can’t trust blog commenters. Except me.

  22. So what is the answer!!???! I must know!
    .-= carissa´s last blog ..If I had a Hot Tub Time Machine… =-.

  23. I have also never heard of “steal the bacon”. But I’m Australian, so unless it’s a drinking game, it doubtful it would hold our interest. Although it the name does sound like it could be a interesting drinking game…

  24. 26
    Just A. Reader

    Seize the weeny, Jenny. Don’t ever let anybody stop you.

  25. 27

    I wasn’t aware “hidin’ the sausage” was an outdoor game. Will it become an Olympic event soon?

  26. 28

    So I tried to google a list of kids’ games to see if there really is a game called Seize the Bacon, and I got this: http://victorian.world.sw.tripod.com/id4.html
    Cupid’s Coming? I Have A Basket? Do kids even wear clothes outside?

    And honestly, half of these sound wrong too: http://www.gameskidsplay.net/default.htm

    Steal the Bacon doesn’t even have any bacon in it! Boring. Besides, I think in Oz we have that game but we’re dogs getting a newspaper or something?

    What kid nowadays knows the word punt? Unless they know that word it rhymes with.

  27. For some reason this reminds of the closing credits of “Grumpy Old Men.” It’s the only part of the movie I’ve seen. My dad was insistent that I watch the closing credits so I could watch Burgess Meredith say things like “He’s takin’ the meat to the butcher” and “He’s givin’ the log to the beaver.” Maybe the answer to the fill-in-the-blank is contained is uttered by Burgess during that portion of the movie.

  28. grabb the bacon?
    .-= megryansmom´s last blog ..Make Room for Bella =-.

  29. not sure if i’m too late with this, but my hub said it’s “steal the bacon” and then told me to go to wikidpedia… and this is what i’ve got… apparently there are game rules and all… http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steal_the_Bacon
    .-= nic @mybottlesup´s last blog ..open invitation for taye diggs… sort of… =-.

  30. Why do they always play on their phones instead of talking to us and then blame us for being weird? How else am I supposed to get you to talk to me when you pay more attention to the phone?
    .-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Hump Day Humor: Chat Roulette Piano =-.

  31. I still don’t know what it is…

  32. Very neat printing, yes, but what about that vicious scrawl on the puzzle above? That suggests another personality altogether. I’m thinking of that Sally Field movie, but I can’t remember the title because I’m way ahead of Jenny with that early-onset dementia thing.
    .-= Pam´s last blog ..Not just playing possum =-.

  33. Um…not sure if this has been said before, but “steal the bacon!” *rolls eyes*

  34. Bwahahaha… “Ham and go seek”

    WTF is the REAL answer?

  35. I’m with you Jenny, I never heard of ‘steal the bacon’ either. I think you should write an adult games page and put it on the web. People could visit it from their favorite fast food establishment via their mobile computing device of choice. Of course I don’t own a mobile computing device so I’d have to print it out from the house and take it with me but then my wife has food sensitivities (to wheat, corn and dairy products) so we don’t ‘do’ fast food restaurants (where everything is suspect, even the french fries because they’re often cooked in corn oil). It’s possible to buy terrific BBQ which is free of wheat, corn and dairy products from Inman’s Kitchen in Llano so, if you do the page, I can print it out and surprise Lisa to a dinner out with a fun games page too. The also have free wifi so I suppose we could just have dinner there while we read your blog on her laptop. Not as much fun but less stressful for you. Ok, I’ll settle for that. You’re the best. xO (little kiss, big hug)
    .-= eldergeek´s last blog ..eldergeek: wut? The spel chuck ony werks wen yur payin attention. So there. =-.

  36. Oh come on. You can’t possibly think that Victor knows this! It is like third grade “If you don’t already know, I’m not going to tell you.” Which really means that they don’t know either but want to look smarter than you which drives you absolutely mad and make you consider bringing out your bazooka for the next game.

    Or, maybe that is just me.
    .-= melistress´s last blog ..Food Revolution – Saskatchewan Edition =-.

  37. Steal the bacon? Really? iHop (along with your commenters, apparently) are trying to encourage my children to commit felonies and dressing it up to make it look like it’s FUN?

    This is why the nation is going to shit.
    .-= Miss Britt´s last blog ..On Building Walls. Or maybe promoting a World Tour, it’s hard to tell at this point. =-.

  38. Obviously, the _correct_ answer is Grand Ham Theft. Come on, people! It’s one step below Grand Theft Larceny, it is. Check any legal…encyclopedia, or dictionary, or whatever sort of reference book one might use in that situation.

    Grand Ham Theft.
    .-= Miss B´s last blog ..Impulse =-.

  39. Swipe the tripe?

    Hilarious. I did a spit take too.

  40. It’s like Capture the Flag, basically. They probably renamed it to motivate the fat kids. God bless America.
    .-= Steam Me Up, Kid´s last blog ..Super private feminine issue, just between you and me, Internet =-.

  41. “Emily is having a hard time remembering the names of her favorite outdoor games…” – ummm, by the look on her not-so-innocent pancake face, I think she’s definitely remembering her last round of Hidin’ the Sausage. I bet she does pancake porn.

  42. I have always lurked and never commented. But you yelling out “SEIZE THE WEENY!” was just priceless. Now I will be laughing like a slightly demented person and trying to control myself from ripping the kids menus from my daughters hands to so that I too can have my own “SEIZE THE WEENY!” experience.

  43. All I could come up with was “eat the meat,” but I doubt they would use meat in both the question and the answer.
    .-= Gretchen´s last blog ..Command Central =-.

  44. Ugh ! I am now having very nasty thoughts about spotted dick and custard.
    Why are you doing this to me?
    .-= cathy´s last blog ..Getting back into the swing of things. =-.

  45. Re: Steamy’s comment–I’m a little ashamed to admit it, but I would defend my bacon much more vigorously than my flag. In fact, you’ll only steal my bacon when you pry it from my cold, dead hands. Same goes for my scrapple.
    .-= beta dad´s last blog ..Random Tuesday Thoughts =-.

  46. I haven’t read the comments, but someone said it’s Steal the Bacon right? The great wastebasket/eraser game of speed and agility?
    .-= Miss Grace´s last blog ..Diptych – Loud =-.

  47. Pork Pilfering?

  48. If steal the bacon is a game then I want no part of it. Sounds almost as questionable for children as hidin’ the sausage but at least that one I’ve heard but it was for adults only.
    .-= beth aka confusedhomemaker´s last blog ..Food Revolution =-.

  49. pinch the patty!

  50. I have never played Take the Bacon or whatever, but Hide the Salami… that’s another game altogether!
    And that kid in Java… no one explained to him that he was supposed to take out his anger or whatever, on the girl, or her other boyfriend???
    Certainly NOT on his own penis and then innocent people of the village by throwing said body appendage INTO the village well!!!!
    Puts a whole new slant on blood sausage for me…EWWWW
    .-= Dawn´s last blog ..Can I have some IceCream…. PLEASE!? or WHY DID I GIVE UP ICE CREAM FOR LENT????? =-.

  51. I was going with “Grasp the Bacon” at first simply because it fit and I was concerned about a children’s game being called “Hidin’ the Sausage” and I surely have never heard of “Steal the Bacon.” Who the heck thought up THAT pointless variation of “Steal the Flag?”

    So don’t let conformists hold you back Jenny! I think your final answer is totally on track and iHop needs to make their children’s menus more age appropriate. Seize the weeny, Jenny. SEIZE THE WEENY!

  52. In Jenny’s defense, I’m old enough to a mom or granny for most of you and *I* never heard of “steal the bacon”. And we played some pretty weird games back in the dinosaur days.

  53. RE: Jen at Cabin Fever Bacon Sandwich

  54. THAT is totally inappropriate for kids! WHICH of course means you should take your daughter there as often as possible!

  55. “steal the bacon”??? Is that like capture the flag or something….?
    .-= Emilia´s last blog ..French People Are Controlling Our Minds =-.

  56. Bloggess,

    I like that you ‘color outside the lines’. That’s just like me.

    And you’re a pervert…umm…Just Like ME! :-)

  57. I busted a vein reading your blog…I might be in love with you in a Desperately Seeking Susan kind of way.
    I don’t believe in stealing bacon…I would just borrow it and leave a sticky note that said IOU.
    .-= SumSum´s last blog ..ADD in full effect; I could really use the H today… =-.

  58. So on a totally different note, I found out why google is playing these Jedi mind trucks on us! (as in when they fill in what they think were going to type, but its actually something totally ridiculous)
    They are in a full scale BATTLE with Yahoo!
    Kids from all across the nation have been typing in random words and comparing what googles suggests to what Yahoo suggests. *Apparently*, Google is winning.
    p.s. try the “my milkshake”. HILARIOUS.

  59. I’m far more concerned with that creepy little Emily character. Is she supposed to be some anthropomorphic pancake thing? And why the hell does it have hair… is that so when I find creepy Hispanic guy hair in my short stack, they can be all like “Hey, did you EVEN LOOK at the kid’s menu? We tried telling your ass!” And perhaps, most importantly, for the love of Aunt Jemima, can somebody please tell me why that abomination of breakfast science is wearing Crocs?!
    .-= Jay´s last blog ..Are You There Internet? It’s Me, Jay =-.

  60. I imagine a young Jeffrey Dahmer entering in ‘kidnap Lyle Jones.’
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog .."Ray Bans Still Hostage – Film at Eleven" =-.

  61. Well, well…I originally noticed you on twitter when you posted the scarface video. The video wouldn’t play for me so I clicked away and moved on. But through my deplorable blog grazing I kept seeing your name pop up again and again. I was all who is this blogess and what? is that like hostess? and why the hell is she everywhere?

    And then I came back to your site. And I stayed long enough to scroll around. And I realized, its because you are fucking awesome.

  62. Okay?! Seriously?? I’m letting you know next time I come home to Houston – cause you and I? Could have a LOT of fun at the local IHOP!
    .-= Gigi´s last blog ..Okay, okay! I got your message. =-.

  63. “Bopth eba loney” fits.

  64. Steal the bacon??? Never heard of it. I was born in Texas and have lived in Louisiana and Mississippi. And around here if you stole anyone’s bacon you’d get your hand chopped off. So that must be a Yankee game. Seize the weenie sounds a lot more fun. Seriously, I need a boyfriend……………
    .-= watercolor´s last blog ..Two in the water, one long one on the grass =-.

  65. The answer is obvious. And it was obviously written by a male. It’s Hide The Salami, natch.
    .-= Mary @ Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..Paying It Forward =-.

  66. I think you might have accidentally walked into the International House of Prostitutes. I heard they were bought out by Apple, hence the “iHop”

  67. (… and the dirty references to processed meats)
    .-= harmzie´s last blog ..Influence =-.

  68. Have you ever watch nickalodeon? It’s riddled with inappropriateness. I laugh at stuff and my 4 yr old cousin just stares at me like *I’m* the crazy one.
    .-= Beckles´s last blog ..Optimism is for People Who Don’t Work with Jerks and also Why is it Monsoon Season? =-.

  69. Looking at Ihop’s menu I see they have a signature dish called the Thick Cut Bone In Ham and Eggs.
    Seems like that is a way to say hide the sausage. Well so does Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity.
    .-= William´s last blog ..The Condom Theory =-.

  70. “Steal the bacon”? What the hell? I can’t believe how many of us would have failed that placemat. The world must be ending. *rolls eyes*

  71. I’m more concerned about the anthropomorphized breakfast food on the side, there. Is that a pancake? Wearing crocs???

    And she’s totally leering at the “breakfast meat” entry.

    Who the hell designs this stuff?

  72. I wonder if “slam the bacon” or “pound the sausage” fits.

  73. take the breakfast meat . . . between your grits?
    how is this on the kids menu?

  74. I agree that Victor didn’t know the answer either. The nerve of that man!
    .-= a´s last blog ..An open letter to Kodak =-.

  75. “Steel the bacon??” Is this a variation on “Hide the Saltine?”
    .-= Curiosity´s last blog ..And they play it on my radio station all the time. That’s a lot of crazy hair. =-.

  76. 80

    The answer is “In my neighborhood, you could get killed for calling ‘capture the flag’ by this name.

    Maybe that’s the question, not the answer. But the puzzle was very Jeopardy style. I’d say “What is hide the sausage, Alex?” and win the goddman game.

  77. This post turned me into a vegetarian.

  78. I’m feeling pretty bad about myself right now. I had no clue.
    .-= Angel´s last blog ..The Heifer =-.

  79. And The Wet Spots? That has to be the best band name ever. Wish I’d thought of it. And had a band.
    .-= Lori´s last blog ..Boring Actually Has A Lot Of Stuff In It =-.

  80. Have I told you lately how awesomely funny you are?! Thanks for making a crappy day, good! :)
    Now, about hidin’ the sausages – been so long since I played I can’t quite remem…. Oh, right, were talking about a kids game.
    Never heard of it. I think they’re making it up, too.
    .-= Kernut´s last blog ..The Time I Learned Golf Carts Don’t Float =-.

  81. Steal the Bacon! What’s WRONG with you people? That’s the obvious answer.

    We used to play that in Boy Scouts.

    Wait, what?

  82. Could it be Easter Egg Hunt?

  83. At least you know you’ll be one of those sassy, foul-mouthed, kick arse, dementia ladies. You’ll be one of those ones grabbing packages, hoarding sausages, and dropping F bombs left right and centre. When I worked with dementia patients watching some little old lady who looked like Rose from the ‘Golden Girls’, swearing like a sailor, just made my day.
    .-= Rusty Hoe´s last blog ..A Word From Our Sponsor XI =-.

  84. omg those are ACTUALLY pretty tough. I couldn’t figure out ANY of them.
    .-= Mamma M´s last blog ..Could it be? A Few Words on the Accuracy of Negative Pregnancy Tests =-.

  85. Takin’ the Bacon…at least I think, but hell, “Dodgeball” would’ve had me stumped so who am I kidding.

  86. Man, I’m really hungry now. I love me some crepes down at le ole IHop. I said CREPES not CREEPS.
    .-= Martie´s last blog ..Twitter is a Twat… =-.

  87. ‘Steal the Bacon’ – it must be real, I saw it in your comments and then verified it on Wikipedia.

    I learn something every time I visit here. Your site is educational. You are Sesame Street for adults!


  88. Steal the Bacon, of course! Although hiding the sausage brought to mind a guy at college that I worked at the dining hall with, who one night stuck a sausage in his pants and left it sticking out through the zipper.

    Rumor has it he became an OB/GYN – my nightmare is someday walking in for an annual appointment and seeing him there, white-coated and ready to go…
    .-= suburbancorrespondent´s last blog ..Oh, To Be In England… =-.

  89. OHHHH HAHAHAHAHA, do you guys EVER get along?

  90. I was trying to flesh out an answer using the words “bangers” and “wang,” but they just kept rattling around in my head, colliding into things that had nothing to do with taking breakfast meat, even though they sounded super classy and sexy.
    I read the comments. I’m gonna go with “steal the bacon” even though I’ve never heard of it.
    Mostly because it sounds better than “wang banger.”
    .-= Sarah p´s last blog ..Because of You, Kelly Clarkson =-.

  91. To number 5…


    .-= Kerry´s last blog ..Oh HELL Naw! =-.

  92. Steal the Bacon? Really? Huh. Never heard of it. Probably because I was raised Jewish, and the only thing we hide is matzo. Oh, and Anne Frank.
    .-= alonewithcats´s last blog ..Jihad the time of my life, and I owe it all to Ellen DeGeneres and The Bloggess =-.

  93. “SUCK MY BIG DICK” would have been my answer. Great schoolyard game.
    The trouble was the teachers thought it wasn’t an officially-sanctioned game in the school.

    Yet it was TEN TIMES BETTER!!! than dodgeball. . .?
    Go figure.

    And besides, those nuns were terrible teachers.

  94. i’ve NEVER heard of ‘steal the bacon” but then again…i’m jewish. how about “hide the salami” does that even fit or do we need to add more lines?

  95. I read that wikipedia entry about “steal the bacon”… Wikipedia is screwing with me, right? I mean, this must be some elaborate conspiracy to mess with my head, right? Or maybe I am drunk and I don’t know it?

    That can’t be a real thing… Can it?
    .-= Life of a Doctor’s Wife´s last blog ..Who Knew Dinner Could Be Such a Mine Field? =-.

  96. Really Jenny? My disappointment is overwhelming right now. The woman who taught me how to reduce fractions using Canadian BACON doesn’t know how to play Steal the BACON? Steal the BACON is THE foundation of BACON long division !!! Did you not pass BACON 101???

    For shame.
    .-= Toni´s last blog ..Lately… =-.

  97. 101
    Canadian Bacon

    I have to go initiate sex with the husband now, just so I can whisper “I want to take your breakfast meat in my english muffin.”

    If only I was English…

  98. Has anyone pointed out the fact that Emily might have early on-set dementia?
    .-= Ash´s last blog ..The one where I (seriously?) compare my blog to Smallville =-.

  99. 103
    Auntie Stalking Guy

    It’s clearly Bangin’ the Wife. It fits too! I mean, in the blanks, without adding extra lines. Not fitting in the wife. Well, umm… Yeah, I guess it’s gotta fit in the wife too, but’s that’s kinda personal, don’t you think?

  100. I actually remember playing Steal the Bacon in elementary school. Something to do with chalkboard erasers and running, but the rest is foggy, and I am too lazy to read through all the comments to see if someone else already explained it…

    Didn’t participate in “hidin’ the sausage” until high school. Nothing to do with chalkboard erasers.

  101. Wish we had International House of Pancakes. Sigh.
    Can’t say I’ve heard of ‘hide the bacon’ either – but then again – I am from the other side of the globe.

  102. The sad thing about this post is that Victor has no idea how mentally ill he is. I’m going to pray for him. And that means I’m going to have to pray to @MorganFreeman. And you know what that means.
    .-= Suzy´s last blog ..How You Can Tell If A Dog Likes You =-.

  103. Steal the bacon?? Seriously? This must be some early April fools thing, because gods help us if there is such a game. Who gives their kids bacon to go out an play pretend-juvenile-delinquents?
    .-= jenn_d´s last blog ..Things You Probably Love … But I Don’t =-.

  104. iHop is trying to make our children gay! Or confused! Or cheaters! Or terrified of anthropomorphic pancakes!
    .-= Bridget Callahan´s last blog ..ANTM Cycle 14: I swear to god, I hope vampires are real out of spite =-.

  105. It pains me to say this, but Victor can be a real killjoy, can’t he? It good that you are almost Mother Teresa.
    .-= faye´s last blog ..Fun Monday — Springtime in Kentucky =-.

  106. “If I help you, you’ll never learn–” What the hell kind of a remark is that?????? Smack him! He sounds like an arrogant prat! Smack him again!
    .-= Judie´s last blog ..THE MONSTERS THAT MADE US =-.

  107. Heck, I even had my husband trying to figure it out. He finally found “Steal the Bacon” on google. But we have no idea how to play that…never heard of it. I totally think your “Hide the Sausage” was the better answer!
    .-= Heather´s last blog ..The Story of Zac Smith =-.

  108. I was born in Arizona and have lived all over the U.S. and have never heard of “Steal the Bacon.” Ever.

    And, “The Wet Spots” are an awesome group. I now have, “Do You Take it in the Ass?’ going through my head. Awesome group and very educational, too.
    .-= akshelby´s last blog ..Moving: I think I’ve lost my marbles =-.

  109. see, now this is totally pissing me off lol. i wanna know the damn answer. shouldn’t it be at the bottom of the page? haha. you have to post us the answer.

  110. Ooh, I have an IHOP story… my boyfriend from Australia who had never gone to an IHOP before, let alone the one we decided to go to, so he didn’t know where the bathroom was. I got up and showed him, and went back to our table. My intestines did that sort of rumble that means you have to fart real bad, and I had been doing those all day. I saw my sister sitting there on the edge of the booth seat, and pretty much in one swift motion I sat on her lap and farted on her. In public. We all pissed ourselves laughing (thankfully for my sister, I wasn’t sitting on her lap), and then my boyfriend comes back, and wonders why the hell we’re laughing, and he gets almost offended that he wasn’t there to experience it. Then, my mom says to my sister, “You know, you can get her back with something big now.” The good thing is that she hasn’t gotten me back yet. The bad thing is that now I’m in Australia… and she has about 8 more months to plan something worse than me farting on my own sister in public.

  111. 115

    Presenting for your amusement…. actual video of people playing Hide The Sausage. Outside. Not safe for work. Not even actual people or an actual video either, but the song is one of my favorites and the season is coming up in about a month, so there’s still time for emergency dieting. http://iLike.com/s/2TaH – look for the second animated video of the main song for even more fun –

  112. When I think of sexy, breakfast meat is the first thing that comes to mind.
    .-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..The silent battle =-.

  113. “Hidin’ the sausage” made me laugh out loud. You have a gift for filth and humor.

  114. I believe the answer you’re looking for is “pushing da pork”.
    .-= Chris Illuminati´s last blog ..Internet: calming neurotic parents for over a decade =-.

  115. Okay, I didn’t know what the answer was either. And “steal the bacon” does NOT sound like a fun game. Why would I want someone taking my food? I love me some bacon. I do not love me some theives.
    .-= Dani´s last blog ..Sometimes I Can Only Process One Thing in My Brain. That Makes it Monotastic Time! =-.

  116. Aaaaaaaand now I want some sausage. I’ll leave it to you to determine my meaning.
    .-= Leslie´s last blog ..Tapped out(ish) =-.

  117. i saw the steal the bacon king of my high school. although they liked to say queen for some reason
    .-= furiousball´s last blog ..Earth.Sun.Moon. =-.

  118. Who knew a trip to IHOP could be so educational?
    .-= LookieLou´s last blog ..Yeah Ellen! Halo Donates to Shelters & Postage Stamps Raise Adoption Awareness =-.

  119. I’m glad your husband supplies the right reactions to further spur you on in your actions. It has enabled you to build a whole empire. When I say things like to my husband there is no reaction whatsoever thus sucking all of the joy out of things. And thus we have no empire.

  120. I suck at puzzles, child or otherwise, so when I guessed ‘steal the bacon’ and THEN saw it in your comments, well, it was a PERSONAL VICTORY. I’m breaking out the champagne as we speak. Then I might look at a sudoku puzzle just to see if I can not vomit.

  121. How awesome that yesterday they declared breakfasts with bacon and high fatty content could for you and you are talking about hiding the sausage. You are so awesome with your being topicalness.
    .-= Jenn´s last blog ..Hey Annie…The Sun Did Come Out Tomorrow =-.

  122. It seems like a perfectly reasonable answer to me, I mean they’re always putting adult stuff into kids cartoons right? Remember the Animaniacs? Definitely not for kids. And what about Strawberry Shortcake, I don’t even want to talk about that…

  123. I will never look at a kid’s menu the same again. Thanks for that. *seriously*! :-)

  124. I think it’s wrong that IHOP is encouraging meat theft, but I’m even more disturbed by the game above it. Why have you X-ed out the faces of all those people? Is that some kind of serial killer game? I know you like Dexter and all, but I don’t think pancake houses should be encouraging kids to kill! I’d expect that of MacDonald’s but I hold IHOP to higher standards.

    Honestly, what’s happening to the world??

  125. Wow. I wanted to laugh about it, until I sat here for a few moments and could NOT figure out the answer. *hanging head in shame*
    .-= Tisha´s last blog ..Things I Learned… in Dublin =-.

  126. I have no idea what this answer is. no idea.
    .-= MODG´s last blog ..MODG changing lives and people’s butts around the USA. Big big big news. LIKE BIG. =-.

  127. Hiding the sausage is infinitely more fun than stealing the bacon any day.

  128. It’s “Spank the Patty” Duh.

  129. Is it just me or does anyone else find the questions at the bottom of the menu frightening? Considering the topic and all.

  130. I hate men who sit there playing with their cell phones and act like WE’RE the assholes for entertaining ourselves. SERIOUSLY. If you’re too absorbed in your blackberry-fantasy-baseball or some shit we’re going to find something else to do. I think there should be a support group for those of us who are constantly ignored because of our males’ expensive data plans.

    (And I remember playing Steal the Bacon. There are two lines of people facing each other, each with an equal amount of people, and everyone has a number and the numbers match up so when the person in charge yells SIX both sixes run and the first one to grab the ‘bacon’ [an object in the middle of the two lines] tries to get it back to their side while the other person chases them and tries to tag them. If they tag them, the round is over and nobody gets a point. If the first person gets it back to their base their team gets a point. And then you do it again with a different number. It…wasn’t very fun.)
    .-= Edana´s last blog ..I’m making a garden! =-.

  131. Well according to all ^those people, it’s steal the bacon.
    Never heard of it either, don’t worry.
    I was gonna say TAKIN THE BACON. Which rhymes and sounds way cooler.
    .-= Taylor´s last blog ..Life List =-.

  132. “Sink the sub” and “Park the porpoise” have got to figure in here somewhere. Just ask Mrs. Doubtfire.

  133. Two friends and I were once stuck in a Pizza Hut where service was taking a long time so we started playing a Candyland-type game printed on the paper placemats. We soon discovered that this was the Jean Paul Sartre version of Candyland, because you could not possibly get past some stupid combination of Go Ahead and Go Back spots. After 45 minutes we gave up. Then we discovered that our server had finished her shift and left without turning in our order to the kitchen.

  134. But, Dahling, your manuscript is lovely!
    .-= tokenblogger´s last blog ..The opposite of Matzah… =-.

  135. Steal the bacon!?!? WTF is Steal the Bacon!?!? I have NEVER heard of that…although, I totally gotta admit that I have been known to steal bacon, that’s more of a mantra…not a game. Not having bacon is not funny dude. It’s a tragedy.
    .-= michel´s last blog ..HOLY CRAP!!!!! This is Totally Going to be a Bit Awkward…. =-.

  136. Is anyone else disgusted not by the pornographic undertones but by the horrible grammar??? It’s takinG not takin’ and hidinG not hidin’!! Ack! Text speak has infiltrated IHOP! Geeeeez we’re fucked.

  137. and if anyone stole my bacon I’d fucking cut that bitch. Bacon is one of the few things I can eat! That whore would fucking burn for that. Takin’ the bacon. Fuck you motherfucker!
    .-= CherBearBlue´s last blog ..Never thought this day would come. =-.

  138. Ok, I am 55 and I have never heard of this game called “Steal the Bacon”. I was born and raised in Florida. You just didn’t steal anyone’s bacon there or you drew back this bloody stub. No stabbing…just your basic amputation. I have also lived in OK, NC and now in Canada. No one seems to know this game that IHOP is referring to.

    I think Target is getting back at you through IHOP and Google(AKA as Topeka..Let me Topeka that for you).

  139. Really? Really?! “Steal the Bacon”?

    I really want to know where the people that have heard of this game are from… I’m bamboozled!

  140. 144

    I cried reading this for a number of reasons: A) we went to the HOP this weekend, and I hit my head on the light fixture above our table, which made a HUGE clangy noise and everyone in the room looked at us. Plus, it really hurt. This post brought the pain back. B) You misspelled wienie, and who loves a bad speller? C) I wouldn’t have guessed that answer either, and I’ve played steal the bacon. D)All of these comments are brilliant. I shouldn’t read this at work. I make too many muffled snorting sounds.

  141. I loved playing Steal the Bacon as a kid. Oh, the memories…you were deprived and totally missed out on the awesomeness!
    .-= AmazingGreis´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – Busted… =-.

  142. Um. Takin’ the bacon?

    Sometimes…I don’t understand Victor either. The weeny thing just killed me. :)
    .-= Elisa´s last blog ..Did You Know? =-.

  143. I think a strongly-worded letter to the iHOP people is in order.
    .-= Jane´s last blog ..Why I suck at tag and have month-old hotel chocolates at the bottom of my purse =-.

  144. I love you because somehow, its always about bacon, be it Kevin or an ihop menu game.

  145. My roommate says it is Steal the Bacon and I have to believe her because she is mormon so she isn’t allowed to lie or make up funny adult games.

  146. I never heard of “Steal the Bacon” as a child. We played boring games like hopscotch and duck-duck something. Man, I got screwed!
    .-= Motherofthemonth´s last blog ..My shopping list for Thanksgiving dinner a la Eric =-.

  147. The Wet Spots (the band you found in the search) are AMAZING! If you ever get the chance, you should totally go see them. I happened upon one of their shows, and now I’ve seen them 4 times!


  148. I’m pretty sure stealing bacon is one of the five early warning signs of dementia.

  149. I think you might be setting yourself up for another Dr. Pepper incident. Ihop will have to issue a statement and then they’ll block from the corporate Twitter page.

    But if they do issue a statement, maybe they’ll tell us the f’n answer.
    I thought of ‘take the bacon,’ but it seems a little cheap to use the same word in the clue in the question and in the answer.
    .-= Christina Bell´s last blog ..The Penis Festival =-.

  150. I wouldn’t have gotten it either. I think you’re right but I like the ‘steal the bacon’ suggestion. Mmmm…bacon. BACON!

    .-= Amy´s last blog ..Um, I Ate A Pepper =-.

  151. “…..do you take in the ahhhhss”…..lovin’ me some Wet Spots!!

  152. Solution to this problem: You should sue IHOP for not offering a vegetarian form of child’s menu game. Claim you’re terribly eco-conscious and that you believe that if your child learns that you can play games with dead animal carcass, she will grow up to own a slaughterhouse or a lot of undernourished gerbils. In fact, you’re secretly growing tempted yourself. Do they want to have the doe-eyed expressions of dead cows haunting their dreams? I think not.
    .-= Kate´s last blog ..Enemies of the People, **** =-.

  153. I admit I couldn’t do it either. Although it may have been due to the fact that you already “planted the pepperoni” in my head causing me temporary dementia.

    We didn’t play “Steal the Bacon” as kids.
    .-= One of The Guys´s last blog ..Moves that paralyze =-.

  154. We called it “Snatch the Bacon” and I’m pretty sure it involved two people racing to a tennis ball [or bacon], a quick stand off, one person “Snatching” said bacon then everyone falling on their faces before we all said fucki it and played “Tip the Can” [Irish children clearly aren’t as violent and thieving as you Americans.]

  155. If anyone tries to steal my bacon I will fucking stab, stab, stab, stab!

    Does ‘swallow the sausage whole’ fit?
    .-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..Birthdays, Clown Porn & Wine Funnels =-.

  156. what kind of kids breakfast menu doesn’t have the puzzle answers on the backside, printed upside down in tiny print? I do not believe in “Steal the bacon”. It never existed.

  157. I think it had no answer. it was a subliminal message. “Here kids, puzzle time (order bacon) look! Kick the can (tell your parents you’ll die if you don’t get hash browns). You get what I’m saying. Victor doesn’t see anything, ever.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..My One Year Anniversary: Vagina Faced Bear =-.

  158. I would have been laughing my butt off if I had been there and saw what you had written (I’m trying not to laugh now b/c I’m @work)….. but I’ve never played ‘steal the bacon’, I never heard of it until now…. Excellent guess!

  159. I had to use a few extra brain cells to help out on this one. Although, I’m totally down with your answers. IHOP has just been elevated a little bit in my mind (which is hard to do considering where I live, ya know?). Except for the fact that our IHOP doesn’t have those awesome games, so that drops them back down again. Let’s just call it a wash, ok?

    The only thing I remember about steal the bacon is putting a chalkboard eraser in the middle of a floor with teams on either side of the room. Then there’s a big free-for-all to get the eraser. And then I have no freakin idea what happens after that. But I think you run across a level jumping on toadstools & evil turtles while breaking blocks to get the gawd damn gold coins & save the princess. No? Shit. I’m at a loss then.

    And on top of it all, I think I mixed up steal the bacon with dodge ball. Crap. I knew I was gonna miss those brain cells.
    .-= uthostage´s last blog ..If this isn’t a good enough reason to start exercising, I don’t know what is. =-.

  160. Um, just an FYI – the next time I decide to pick up some dude, I plan on winningly grabbing his thigh and asking if he’d like to grasp the links. It’s either this, or slather myself with bacon. Either or, really. Either or.

  161. New reader, yay!

    And I am SO doing this next time my dear husband takes me to IHOP. Classic.

    Maybe the answer was “yankin bacon”? That’s my vote.
    .-= Shannon´s last blog ..Random Excitement =-.

  162. I have never heard of Steal the Bacon, either. How OLD is that game? Or am I the one that’s old?

  163. Hahaha … Steal the Bacon -is that an actual kids game? Now we now what else we missed by growing up in Europe…

  164. I’ve never heard of steal the bacon either!
    .-= laanba´s last blog ..The Kindle Era =-.

  165. What the fuck was the game above the puzzle?
    X the black people?

    Sausgage and ball were in the same puzzle. Awesome.
    .-= Fivehead´s last blog ..How my sucide bomber date lost her teeth. =-.

  166. I would just like to suggest something totally off-the-wall… I really think you should watch a movie called “Sweet Movie”, by Yugoslavian direction Dusan Makavejev. The first 2/3s of the movie were fantastic and strange, the last third downright disturbing. I thought this kind of thing could only come out of a mind such as your own, but… someone beat you to it, I guess.

    And don’t let your kid watch it, for the love of God. Totally inappropriate for anyone under 20. You might get some interesting stuff for your sex column, though.

  167. The name still makes absolutely no sense to me. Steal the Bacon? Seize the Weeny and Hidin the Sausage – well, the rules are obvious, and everyone wins. Sounds like an awesome game to me.
    .-= Plano Mom´s last blog ..Random 7 =-.

  168. –>I have never heard of Steal the Bacon. DUMB IHOP!
    .-= WebSavvyMom´s last blog ..April Fool’s Day =-.

  169. Do you think it is possible they know who you are and gave you a special edition of the puzzle? None of the IHOPs or Danny’s for that matter that I have been to provided such titillating games! I always knew that life is different for the famous. ;-)
    .-= subWOW´s last blog ..Hope springs eternal =-.

  170. When I was young (a lonnnnnnng time ago), we played Red Light, Swing the Statue, Mother May I, and when we could find the kid with the ball, we played dodge ball, and kick ball. Occasionally we would play baseball in the big grassy area in the middle of Andrews Circle, which was an area of housing for professors and their families at Emory University in Atlanta. I can see today’s kids playing Hide the Sausage, because my husband coaches girls golf at a local high school and ALL THEY TALK ABOUT IS SEX!!
    .-= Judie´s last blog ..My Other Life =-.

  171. You speak of my favorite breakfast game… move the table cloth
    .-= Vodka logic´s last blog ..Flash Friday 55 =-.

  172. I too have tried on more than one occasion to figure out those kids word games and also have not been able. Don’t feel bad…. ;)

    Sadie at heyMamas
    .-= Sadie at heyMamas´s last blog ..America is generous =-.

  173. hahaha! hiding anne frank… damn to be witty. ive never heard of “hiding the bacon” and im from the south… yeah that doesnt really mean anything.

  174. i stand corrected… “steal the bacon.”
    .-= mollie´s last blog ..weekend scenes =-.

  175. it has nothing to do with real bacon? kinda like chicken fried steak has nothing to do with chicken?
    I had to Google “chicken fried steak” yesterday after you posted the pic…btw. I didn’t want to look stupid. oh well too much for that since I just admitted it. Did you finish it?

    (I finished half. And underneath it was a huge mountain of potatoes. Texas wants me dead, I think. ~ Jenny)

  176. 180

    OMG – thank you so much. I can’t stop laughing. And right now, that’s exactly what I really need to do. LOLOLOLOL
    .-= thinkingtoohard´s last blog ..Goodnight, spring =-.

  177. Steal the bacon? For real? Never heard of it. I am obviously culturally deprived.
    .-= msdarkstar´s last blog ..I’m not ready… =-.

  178. Steal the bacon? Steal the FUCKING bacon? Oh shut the fuck up. Really, if I wanted unlikely lies from a mental woman who endangers the stability of the WORLD ITSELF I’d go listen to Sarah Palin.
    .-= Ninja´s last blog ..Open Europe: the Eurosceptic group that controls British coverage of the EU =-.

  179. Hilarious! I couldn’t figure out for the life of me what it could be either. Thanks for clarifying at the bottom of the post!
    .-= CatLadyLarew´s last blog ..The Egg: A Magpie Tale =-.

  180. Thanks for the update! Now that I look at the picture – no kid would have guessed ‘kick the can’ either – given the clue…. Tin????

  181. 185

    This reminds me of when I was waiting at the gyno office and the only thing I could find to read was a Highlights magazine. After 10 minutes of staring at the Hidden Picture, I had to give up. But you have given my hope that one day, I will succeed.

  182. […] As Easter was winding down, I was sitting alone in my apartment with ice cream in my belly and a cat in my lap, procrastinating on writing my next blog post by accusing at least one of my Twitter followers of being a vampire. Then I noticed that Jenny “The Bloggess” Lawson had linked to my site again, this time choosing my remark as “comment of the day.” […]

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