I have a weird sort of life

in functions I shouldn't be allowed to attend, I am totally overrated, no one thinks this is funny but me, Random Crap, Sometimes I get Top Gun and real life confused in my head

I just got an email inviting me to the inauguration of the Mayor of Malibu, who also happens to be Clint Eastwood’s stunt man and body double.  You remember him.  I met him that time I landed on that aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific ocean and accused everyone of being cylons and then ended up getting locked in the brig.

Actually, not the worst jail I've been in.

So I responded:

“Congratulations, J!

FYI, when I was inaugurated as Czar of Texas I got to keep my crown and my scepter but then some baby tried to steal them. True story.

Get your baby-kickin’ shoes on, Zuma Jay. They’re fucking everywhere.”

But apparently I accidentally did a “reply all” so that response went to all of the people who’d landed on the aircraft carrier with me and I know this because I immediately got a form-letter from Robert Scoble explaining that he did not have time to reply to all his emails and that if I wanted him to review a product I’d have to give him notice and so I decided to respond because I’d had too much to drink and no one was here to tell me this was a bad idea:

Dear Robert,

I completely understand your busy schedule but I know that you will be excited when you hear that I have a great product for you to review. It’s like a boombox, but smaller and you can use it to listen to your cassette tapes privately. It’s called a “walkman”. I call it that because a “man” can “walk around” while he uses it. Pretty awesome, right? I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “But isn’t that sexist? Will you make ‘walkwoman’s’?” And no, Robert, I won’t, because you and I both know that chicks aren’t into tech gadgets and I don’t want to waste my time and resources.

At only 8 pounds, the walkman is light enough that you can use the built-in plastic tab to hang it from your belt. HANDS-FREE, ROBERT. This is the wave of the future. Also, in the future everyone will need to be wearing belts all the time because if you’re wearing sweatpants the walkman will just pull them right down. I’ve personally solved this issue by wearing sweatpants with a belt. That way I can exercise AND listen to music. I’m not sure why no one has thought of this before.

If you are interested in reviewing it, please let me know so I can send you a walkman. I only have one so you’ll have to send it right back but I’m including my own mix-tape of cool songs I taped off of the radio, including the first third of “My Sugar Walls” before the tape ran out. That’s my only copy but if you give the walkman a good review I’ll see if I can make a copy of the mix tape for you. No promises, Robert.

Hugs,

Jenny ~ Inventor of the Walkman

Then Robert Scoble told me that he was not interested in reviewing my walkman but he put a smiley-face at the end of his email so I think we’re still cool.  Also?  Aside from the fact that I didn’t actually invent the walkman, every single part of this post is true. That’s the really fucked up part about this whole thing.  That, and the fact that I can’t afford to go watch Clint Eastwood get his crown and scepter, which is doubly disappointing because he’s the rare kind of guy who could totally pull that kinda look off.  The man is striking, y’all.

Comment of the day: Seriously. I have a Walkman. The little hinged door that covered the cassettes is gone and this thing still works. And. There is a mixtape in it. I think I just realized I’m a hoarder. ~ Apryl’sAntics

94 thoughts on “I have a weird sort of life”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. So now you’re friends with Guy Kawasaki and Robert Scoble? Woman you are taking over the Interwebs! You’ve definitely earned your czar title and I bow to your awesomeness.
    .-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Revenge =-.

  5. I have a Walkman and use it at the gym because my workout mix tape is awesome and really gets me “pumped (clap) UP.” Sometimes I get strange looks which I don’t understand. I’ve had to replace the shoulder strap with a leather stud belt but it still works for me.
    .-= Bejewell´s last blog ..A Weiner Dog’s Life, in Pictures. =-.

  6. The weird thing is I think I’m more messed up by coming here and reading this blog, but I can’t help myself. I leave here thinking, “Did that just happen?” I bow at your feet, my lady.

  11. I think you could make a special Walkman/Sweatpants belt prototype, have Christine Lu (she knows Scoble, and everything about China) help you make a prototype of it in China, and then sell them from your blog and maybe Nike could pick them up in their new spring line too, and then…boom. You’re a gazillionaire. Just let me know if you need help. I’m pretty good with belts.
    .-= juliejulie´s last blog ..Chunking It Up with "Run Like a Mother’s" Sarah Bowen Shea =-.

  12. Solution to sweatpants/walkman issue? Wearing tights as pants. As my own eyes have recently let me know, apparently this is completely socially acceptable, and even encouraged amongst younger members of society. Given their tightness, clearly the walkman would be unable to pull them down, and if the worst case scenario should occur, hopefully most observers would assume it was a continuation of the fashion trend.

  15. HAHHAHA ANd this is where I nearly pee myself in my dress slacks and awesome smart looking work-appropriate cleavage-hinting blouse. And then I get to go home for the day. Thank you. :o)
    .-= Charisse´s last blog ..*SIIIIIGH* =-.

  16. What I don’t understand about this is: Who would tell you that your email was a bad idea? I think it’s fabulous, and I won’t be starting my drinking for hours.

    Also, doesn’t whatever town you’re czar of have a travel budget? I’m sure you’d be their best goodwill ambassador ever! They should send you to as many inaugurations as you can handle.
    .-= a´s last blog ..An open letter to Kodak =-.

  17. The Jenny – A Discrete Walkman: An internal, hands free bullet-shaped device allowing you to truly own the music from the inside out. Now THAT would blend all of your interests in to one nice insertable package. I dare anyone to try to jack one while in use!

    (Did i say that out loud?)

  22. I can do without the Walkman, but SWEATPANTS WITH A SEWN-IN BELT?? Where have you been all my life? Enough with the elastic waistband – I want form AND function! Nothing spells comfort like sweat and nothing adds a touch of class like a belt, particularly the skinny ones with rhinestones that I see the kids wearing these days. I will be your beta tester. I’m sitting in worn out elastic as we speak.

    In a related note, my father looks eerily like Clint Eastwood, which results in Chinese tourists asking for autographs. Always the pleaser, he’s happy to comply.

    http://www.imgonnakillhim.com

  25. I think you actually just invented the Babyman, where you clip a baby on your belt next to your Sugar Walls, and the baby belts out tunes when you pinch its toes.

    But that could land you in prison too.
    .-= Julie´s last blog ..The Big One =-.

  28. I wish I could accidentally be included on an e-mail chain from you. I can only imagine the type of fun that may ensue from it.

    What if the smiley face was his way of telling you he thinks he is better than you? I always wonder that when people put smiley faces after they’ve totally rejected me. That’s pretty rude, if you ask me.
    .-= Kendahl´s last blog ..SkinMD Discount Code! =-.

  32. not to be critical, but a few years ago when Mr. Eastwood was on the cover of EW, my Harry Potter obsessed child pointed to it and asked me, “Is that Lord Voldemort?”

    just sayin

  36. If I lived in Malibu I would totally pay to fly you t/here just to be able to bask in the glory that is Jenny.

  40. I moved all the way from SoCal to central France and your shit still makes me burst out laughing. That has to be some kind of StarTrek-style space/time/humor accomplishment. But your commenters make me bust a gut, too, and always have.

    Speaking of which, have you ever thought about changing the name of your blog from “The Bloggess” to “The Blogess and the Rat Pack” or “The Pied Bloggess of Hamelin?” Just wondering…
    .-= The Pliers´s last blog .."It’s Monday In Rural France…" =-.

  41. I live in Malibu. Are you coming or not? Congratulations, J! is not exactly an acceptance or decline…..

  43. Can’t you EVER write a blog post where I can just phone in my comment? Where I can maybe just tell you I nearly laughed until I cried like a girl, instead of having to beef it up with mentions of “laughed until bile was produced” or, say, “laughed until I vomited onto my son’s head,” or “laughed until my uterus shot out across the room and hit a feeble, old man in the nads” or whatever?

    (Great. Now I’m stuck on the image of my uterus hitting an old man’s nads, and whether the nads or the ute would gain the upper hand, *although we both know better than to discuss hands in this unique battling scenario,* and now I’m sad. Because obviously a nads/ute cagematch is going to HAVE to happen, and I feel sorry for the eventual loser. Losing sucks.)

  45. Isn’t Clint Eastwood mayor of Carmel? Or was, at some point?
    And now his body double is mayor of Malibu?
    I smell conspiracy. *steely look* *cowboy movie whistle* *tumbleweed*
    .-= Sarah p´s last blog ..I am Georgia O’Keefe =-.

  46. I totally think you invented the Walkman and are just being incredibly modest like you always are. I would absolutely review your Walkman invention on my blog that does not deal with technical gadgets but does deal with awesome ideas like people giving birth to their own pet dogs or horses and stuff. I know there is room for something like a Walkman review in there someplace. And I would send you a better icon in my reply message to you, even though the smiley face was invented in my hometown by a marketing guy who smoked way too much pot when he was working on a campaign for a local insurance company so it’s almost not patriotic to not use the smiley face where appropriate but I would do that for you. Because you rock.
    .-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Now how I do I go about telling my elderly neighbor I’m not *actually* deaf? =-.

  48. I don’t think I’ve told you this week that I love you. But this whole Navy boat at sea visit really has me pumped. Now I want to go! Right now! Maybe we could all pitch in to send you to Malibu for the inaguration…Just an idea!

    hugs,
    Susie

  49. Wait, I live like 20 minutes from Malibu. Can I go watch him get his crown and scepter? Or is there another Mailbu other than the one with the Pacific Ocean and the movie stars?
    .-= Cassie´s last blog ..wordless wednesday =-.

  50. You’re coming, right? To Malibu? Because I really need for you to come to California. YOU KNOW THIS.
    .-= Y´s last blog ..In Shock =-.

  51. I really can’t call anyone Czar until they decide if it’s “Czar” or “Tsar.” C’mon Russia, make up your mind. And while we’re at it, I’d like to add that this is the same reason I refuse to wish anyone a Happy Chanukah, or Hanukkah, at least in writing. It’s been like 5000 years, pick a spelling and go with it. We’re fine with it either way, trust me.

    So, basically, if you’re a Jewish Zarr (HA, there’s a new one) you pretty much don’t want to write to me, at least during Festival of Lights time.

  52. Clint Eastwood would be so worth selling a kidney to pay the airfare.
    But then I would have to be healthy enough that someone would actually want one… and pay for it, too.
    Then I’d only have one, and drinking would have to be curtailed to ‘save’ the remaining one and probably I would have to worry more about hepatitis killing THE KIDNEY…
    So, never mind.
    Now, if it was Sean Connery… now THAT”s a totally different story!
    I’d sell one of HeMan Hubby’s kidneys !

  53. Why aren’t you going? Is it a money thing? Can we start a telethon or Webathong or whatever? Seriously, people, let’s ante up …

  54. Ok, I MEANT to say “Webathon” not “Webathong” which is a whole different thing. Yeesh. Need more o.j. in the mimosa. I think.

  57. Is he allowed to be the mayor of Maui after having been the mayor of Palm Springs or wherever he was the mayor of?

    Also, you do understand that Maui and Houston are separated by like ONE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS– er, miles of water and you’d actually have to take a plane and we all know how you feel about air travel and didn’t you use your allotment of air travel anxiety when you flew to Japan? So really it’s just as well you didn’t got to Maui to see Clint Eastwood inaugurated as mayor, even though I’m sure it would’ve made his day, punk.

    Wow, even I’m a little embarrassed and ashamed of my mixture of probably not right movie references and general trivia.
    .-= Kevin´s last blog ..The Heart of the Matter =-.

  60. If you’re going to be in Malibu, I will totally take the 3 1/2 hour drive to be there.
    You’ll know it’s me because I’ll be the one dressed like Barbie. Because really? How can you go to Malibu and NOT dress like Barbie?
    .-= followingtheroad´s last blog ..A Head to Toe Check-Up. =-.

  63. Oh Jenny, I’m so disappointed to discover you *didn’t* invent the walkman. Are you sure you didn’t invent it and then maybe just forget? ‘Cause that could totally happen if you invented it while you were drinking and writing to Robert Scoble.

    I occasionally travel down to Malibu (used to live there) and would be totally honored to watch the coronation of Mayor Hotty for you, and take copious amounts of pics. I’ll see what I can do to get him drunk and naked before taking the pics. I would totally do that for you Jenny. I’d even sleep with him. Just for you Jenny.
    .-= Kernut´s last blog ..Sex in Carson City: My Trip to The Brothels =-.

  65. The walkman and the baby that tried to steal your crown and sceptor weigh the same. Someone put a hook on that baby and wear it on a belt with sweatpants. See what it steals then…
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..It Finally Happened =-.

  67. I love your blog. I’m so jealous my mouth is dry. envy/love confusion. I want to do what you do. I am just writing to send a heap of gratitude as big as a pyramid of benjamins for being there, being you, being. thanks, woman. keep it up!!!!!!!!!

  68. totally disappointed you’re not coming to malibu. we have some really interesting characters here that i am SURE you would love.

  70. Your ideas around the invention of the Walkman are very interesting, I wonder if my own invention, of a small square of yellow paper with adhesive on the back, would appeal to you? Please email satirically if so. With thanks, RTS

  72. I really like this “the walkman” you speak of. If it ever goes into production I’m fully ready to invest. As such I think I should have a say in growing the business. The next product to roll out could be the “walkboy” or “walkman/child”…I’ll let marketing fine tune that….it will be a smaller version and the mix tape can only hold 2.5-3 songs. You know kids and their lack of focus. It’s like Short Attention Span Theater with these youngsters.
    .-= Sara´s last blog ..I do not remember THAT from 8th grade health =-.

  76. You’re totally going to Malibu aren’t you, but you’re pretending like you’re not, so you don’t have to come see me huh? I’m on to you.

  77. I don’t even know where to begin on this post. I had to read so many backposts my head is hurting. It is a good thing you are funny….or else. Muhahahahaha
    .-= mepsipax´s last blog ..Looking for love =-.

  83. Did you know they actually make Mp3 Walkmans now? True story. I recently bought one, even though I felt kind of blasphemous buying a tiny, red modern-looking device that calls itself a Walkman. Plus it doesn’t even have the plastic tab. I didn’t think of that when I bought it. I think I should ask for my money back.

  84. You made me kind of jealous of spammers, if they are receiving personalized letters from you. Just saying. Of course not suggesting that Robert S. (Srly. I can’t spell his name even though his name appears on my Twitter stream like every 5 minutes…) is a spammer. That would totally get me ostracized from the Twitter community. No? Anyway, if you still have a Walkman, I would think that everybody here would want to send you a mix tape. Ah. The good old days.
    .-= subWOW´s last blog ..Teaching Kids Simple Words: Part 1 =-.

  85. Mr. Scoble has inspired me. I am going to do an auto reply that says I do not have time to respond to emails and if you would like a response, you have to give me notice. Then I am going to do an auto reply to the notice emails that says I don’t have time to read about notices and if you would like me to recieve notice, you have to send an email. Whoever can break that circle will win a prize. It will probably just be a cookie.
    .-= Dani´s last blog ..It is Like the Movie Pay It Forward But No One Dies. I Think. =-.

  86. Holy crapogeezeyologist! I have been sick with mono for over 3 months. I find your blog entertaining, but with my limited access to the outside world, I worry about the damage it is doing to my comprehension of reality. I actually made it out of the house today for groceries and on my way home there was a guy on the bus, LISTENING TO A WALKMAN! Which is kinda freaking me out because it’s like God confirming your influence on my reality. The only real conclusions are that you are so freaking awesome, you are actually manifesting your blogs in my life, or your blogs are so freaking awesome they channel so much of my psychic energy I make them come to life. Either way, I don’t know if I should fear or embrace your influence over me. Given your proven powers, I would really appreciate you writing a blog about how you had mono, but woke up one day feeling all better and were able to get back to work so you could pay your mortgage. Thanks!

    Also, my last tape recorder broke, so if you want the last of my cassette collection for your invention, let me know.
    .-= Shakes´s last blog ..Some People Think it is Fun to Make you Wet Your Pants =-.

  87. gee… I can’t afford to go to BlogHer and not be your roomate (because you already have one) but I live close enough to drive to Malibu! I look nothing like you… but I could pretend to be YOUR body double and stunt woman!

    (it sounded really good in my head anyway…)
    .-= Stitch´s last blog .. =-.

  91. Who is Robert Scoobydoo? Forget it I will just GOOOOOOGLE his name. Um I was going to wright something that was brillionarish and would eventually become the COMMENT O’ THE DAY but I saw April had already done that and now I think I have a tick crawling on my and I need to go.

    wine.
    .-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..Mongolian Death Worms and Shankings =-.

  92. Vapid, WHO the F is April? You know how I used the Ctrl-F function to search for the said “April”. Well, do you know what month we are in? Do you realize how many APRILs I had to click through on the webpage to find NO April?
    p.s. Yup, i read all the comments too. I scare myself too.
    p.p.s. I am sorry The Bloggess for communicating with the other bloggers on your comment section. I am not well. But I love you. I hope you will forgive me. xxoo
    .-= subWOW´s last blog ..Teaching Kids Simple Words: Part 1 =-.

  93. Seeing as I was there with you on said aircraft carrier, I am laughing even harder.

    And Zuma Jay is striking.

    🙂

    Your pal in the Navy,

    -Pam

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It\'s like I\'m stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

Discover more from The Bloggess

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading