Motherfucker.

in I am totally overrated, International incidents, Just sad, mixing medications, Random Crap

I just went to brush my teeth but we were out of toothpaste so I pulled out this tiny little travel tube that the stewardess gave me when I went to Japan and it’s the size of a hamster femur so I squeezed it all out onto the toothbrush and then I started to feel really sorry for the people who live in Japan because that shit is awful.  Then it got worse and worse and it started making my mouth all dry and sticky and when I tried to spit it out it was sticking to my teeth and  and I wondered if maybe toothpaste can go bad in Japan so I looked at the tube to see if it had an expiration date and that’s when I realized that I had just brushed my teeth with FUCKING EYELASH GLUE. No shit, people.  Like, the glue you use to keep fake eyelashes on.  And then I panicked because I was afraid that I was going to die or that my teeth were going to get glued together and so I opened my mouth as wide as it would go and looked on the internet for “Will eating eyelash glue kill you?” and the internet was all “Um…maybe?” so I went on twitter and asked them and everyone was like “This is twitter, dude.  Not poison control.  What the fuck is wrong with you?” and they had a point but I didn’t want to call poison control, both because I’d have to explain that I just ate eyelash glue and also because I didn’t know if I could talk on the phone without accidentally closing my mouth and then I started to worry that if I went to sleep I might wake up dead or with my teeth permanently glued together and then I’d have to pretend that I somehow caught contagious lockjaw because there’s no way in hell that I was going to confess to Victor that I’d accidentally brushed my teeth with glue.  So then I called the ASPCA because they were very helpful a few months ago when Barnaby Jones Pickles ate that bottle of homeopathic cold meds but they told me that they didn’t give medical advice to humans and I told them that that seemed vaguely racist and they insisted that I call poison control.  So I did.  And they were dicks.

I mean, technically they were very nice but I had to explain the problem like three times before they finally seemed to understand the situation and then they assured me that eyelash glue was non-toxic and that I’d be fine but they kept asking me why I’d done it and every time I’d explain they’d say that they didn’t understand and I assumed they were making a tape of all of this to play to their friends later or possibly  they honestly just couldn’t understand what I was saying since I wasn’t using my lips so that they wouldn’t get glued to my teeth.  I tried to explain that to them but there was a lot of silence on their end so I finally just hung up.  It’s bad enough I just ate a bunch of glue, poison control.  I don’t need your damn judgement.

PS.  I just woke Victor up to tell him what happened so that he could check to make sure I’m still breathing every few hours and Victor rolled over and said something about how I brought this on myself because “who the fuck confuses glue with toothpaste?”  Well, obviously *I* do, Victor.  Way to blame the victim, asshole.

PPS.  For real y’all.  They look EXACTLY ALIKE.  ANYONE COULD MAKE THIS MISTAKE.

PPPS.  This post is probably full of typos and run-on sentences and I’m sorry about that but I JUST GOT FUCKING POISONED, Y’ALL.  It’s kind of heroic that I’m even able to write this post at all, you guys.  If anything, I deserve a goddam medal.

Obviously Japan is trying to kill me. Probably. This is exactly like Pearl Harbor, but worse because I got vaguely poisoned AND I'm out of eyelash glue. So it's like a double tragedy. Plus, I don't even know where the fake eyelashes this glue goes to are but when I do find then they'll be totally useless. Worst. Day. Ever.

Comment of the day: You’re right. Medical professionals are often nosy and judgmental. I almost cut my hand off with a skilsaw one time (severed 3 tendons), and after the surgeon assessed the damage, he was like, “and what’s with this?” as he motioned toward his own eye. I was like, “With what? What the fuck is this?” motioning toward my own eye. “The black eye,” he says. I forgot that I had gotten a black eye a couple days earlier when my dog headbutted me while we were wrestling. I explained and he gave me that look that says, “I know your game, you goddamn shiftless tweaker. You’ll do anything to get on disability, won’t you? Well, you’re not gonna get away with it this time, buddy boy.”   But I totally did. ~ beta dad

233 thoughts on “Motherfucker.”

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  4. First – Jenny, I love you and would never be all judgy like those poison people.

    Two – so, out of curiosity, how have you gotten rid of the glue? Do you have some kind of something to keep your lips from sticking to your teeth in your sleep? Did poison control have any kind of useful suggestions like that?

  5. Dear Jenny–I just woke up my 7yo laffing hysterically at this post. You may be a hero but you have also totally effed up tomorrow morning for me. Little man is up and asking for cereal and probably a pedicure. Which I will try not to give him using eyelash glue. He also wants to know what “I JUST GOT FUCKING POISONED Y’ALL” means. Please try to keep the hilarity down to a dull roar. Thank you.

  6. Don’t feel too bad, Jenny. My younger sister has a habit of doing dopey things WAY worse than that. Like, one time, she wanted to see what the crushed red pepper that comes in those little tiny foil packets with your pizza order looked like. Instead of dumping it out onto a plate or something, she opened it, and tilted her head back, trying to direct the light inside with her mind or something and ended up dumping red pepper flakes into her eye.

    There was also the time she was convinced that nail polish could be used as lipstick. According to her, it was your *fingernails* that made it dry so hard, and if you put it on something soft, like your lips, it would dry soft.

    On second thought…. my sister might have some mental challenges that go beyond being a klutz…
    .-= Val´s last blog ..Wrestling with Religion =-.

  8. Omg… this is my best friend. She does this stuff to herself all the time. I about fell out of my chair… i mean OMG I am so sorry that happened to you. they should label these things better!

  9. I’m always calling poison control. Someone around here is always ingesting something vaguely poisonous. I remember the first time I called poison control IN 7th grade when I had gotten into my mom’s sherry and was on antibiotics and got real dizzy. Good times but man, were they snotty.

    Poison control are smug bastards. They love to lord it over you and ridicule you just because the juniper berries in the backyard pass through the body unharmed etc. It almost makes me wish I had a real emergency. I’ll show them someday!

  10. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my many years of watching television, it’s that “in Japan, the hand can be used like a knife.” Is perhaps the same true for eyelash glue and toothpaste?

    I’ll grant you, the visual isn’t quite as impressive…

  12. Could have been maybe sort of worse: you could have used the Japanese toothpaste on your eyelids to glue your lashes on and then your eyeballs would have been all minty fresh but you would also be blind probably.

  15. You sound just like I felt when I fell on my butt rollerblading and got a hematoma the size of a grapefruit on my “hip” and starting getting all lightheaded and… Yeah. YOU try to explain that to the doctor in a way that will get you even an iota of sympathy.
    .-= laurie´s last blog ..Things My Dog Doesn’t Understand, Part 1 =-.

  16. I’m pretty upset that Poison Control was judging you. It was an emergency and they should be dispensing useful advice like to drink milk or make yourself throw up or get an amputation or something. NOT playing Jr. Detective.

    I feel for you with the mix up. It could be worse. I glued my eyelid shut with eyelash glue while trying to put on a pair of false eyelashes for a show. Then my eyelids swelled because apparently I’m sorta allergic to eyelash glue. Why is this worse? Because I don’t which person or country to out to get me. At least you do.
    .-= Condo Blues´s last blog ..Six Ways to Use Leftover Shampoo =-.

  18. Okay, great! Now I feel bad for thinking you licked your eyes. But in my defense it totally *seemed* like some thing you would do. It’s like the boy who cried wolf. Except you probably really were crying. Were you crying? Great, now I feel worse. Damn you. Tomorrow I am mailing you an English-Japanese dictionary.
    .-= Janis @ Sneak Peek At Me´s last blog ..Scavenger Hunt? – Wordless Wednesday =-.

  20. Okay — when I was in 2nd grade, I stapled my thumb. Not _to_ anything, but I got a staple solidly halfway through my thumb. I calmly went up to the teacher’s desk and told her that I thought I needed a band-aid or something, and she asked why, and I held out my hand and said I had stapled my thumb. And she was kind of horrified and asked me how on earth I had done that. And I remember very clearly looking at her like _she_ was the idiot, and explaining “Ummm…I put my thumb in the stapler and pressed down?” Because somewhere in my skewed little head, I thought that staplers could magically tell the difference between paper and…anything that isn’t paper?

    And yes, that was a long time ago and I was just a kid when it happened — but my point is (yes, I have a point) that I still sometimes do things that are just as illogical (read: totally fucking dumb) because in my still-skewed little head…they totally make sense. At the time. In some way or another.

    In conclusion, you didn’t even do that on purpose, and those tubes _are_ very similar in size/shape/&c. So you shouldn’t feel too badly about it. (Also, if I had done that, I would have been immediately rinsing my mouth with the strongest alcohol I had in the apartment — with the idea that alcohol is a sort of glue solvent. So, maybe just get drunk?)
    .-= Miss B´s last blog ..Overheard =-.

  23. Esoteric as this may be, do you usually floss before or after brushing? Yeah, kinda negated that whole thing, didn’t it… Anyway, I never read the labels on those tubes so I’m probably just lucky it hasn’t happend to me yet. So *thank you* Jenny, for being the example for us all. You’re all czar in my book.

  25. Oh, and also, so you don’t feel bad, one time in high school, I was miming a stabbing motion with my left hand, which was holding a sharpened pencil at the time. I was, no doubt, making a joke and interrupting class. Anyway, I stabbed myself. Deep. In the thigh. With a PENCIL. I still have a graphite tattoo.

    Not that you’re dumb like I was. Oh, now I’ve put my foot in it. *sigh*
    .-= Malkah´s last blog ..True History: a Macabre Tableau =-.

  26. You’re right. Medical professionals are often nosy and judgmental. I almost cut my hand off with a skilsaw one time (severed 3 tendons), and after the surgeon assessed the damage, he was like, “and what’s with this?” as he motioned toward his own eye. I was like, “With what? What the fuck is this?” motioning toward my own eye. “The black eye,” he says. I forgot that I had gotten a black eye a couple days earlier when my dog headbutted me while we were wrestling. I explained and he gave me that look that says, “I know your game, you goddamn shiftless tweaker. You’ll do anything to get on disability, won’t you? Well, you’re not gonna get away with it this time, buddy boy.” But I did.
    .-= beta dad´s last blog ..RTT: Asian Mommies and Slacker Dads =-.

  27. When you do find the eyelashes, you will find ONE of them. And because you find ONE of them on your makeup surface, and you don’t have your contacts in yet, you will immediately strip off your slipper and kill it KILL it KILL IT!!

    Or at least that’s what I did.

  28. I accidentally brushed my teeth with my daughter’s trial size shampoo once. Same size bottle. Totally different colors.

    I didn’t notice til the next morning. I just thought the German toothpaste was strawberry flavored.

  29. Seriously, this was one of the funniest posts I’ve read in quite some time. Honey, I can relate: my husband has a bad habit of leaving his anti-fungal cream on the bathroom counter, right next to the organic toothpaste. And I have the very bad habit of brushing my teeth san glasses–

    You guessed it: I’ve come THIS CLOSE….

    Thanks for making my night.
    —Josie Brown
    author, SECRET LIVES OF HUSBANDS AND WIVES
    (Simon & Schuster: Release Date June 1, 2010)

  30. @Condo Blues

    You should never, ever throw up after ingesting poison. It makes it go through your system again, something you really don’t want to happen.

    Also, you poor thing. Can’t you get eyelashes which are self adhesive? Or are you also allergic to that glue?
    .-= Caillin´s last blog ..!!! =-.

  31. I once used some of that hair remover and it has this skin deadening stuff so you don’t scream in pain when you rip out the hair. I somehow got some on my face and we were at Sam’s Club and my face went all numb. Rich thought maybe I’d had a stroke or something then we figured out it was the deadening gel but he was all like, “Are you sure you don’t need to go to the ER.” And I’m all like, “Nope, it’s that boo hair skin deadener.” Hilarious and so sad that I can’t share it with the world because that’s darn funny. Almost as funny as yours. 🙂
    .-= Karsun´s last blog ..A warning of sorts =-.

  33. uhm … just woke up (too many evening beers – damn, I’m old) … the other guy’s asleep, and he sleeps hard. Couldn’t help but think that Victor must be a lighter sleeper than you (hey … you ARE a mom).
    Be a damn shame if he got a little taste of eyelash glue … but that’d be mean-spirited, dangerous, and potentially divorce-inducing…
    Best ignore this post.
    .-= The Queer Next Door´s last blog ..Hopscotch Days / Dodgeball Days =-.

  34. Did you show Victor both tubes? Because the mixup made perfect sense to me. Toothpaste tubes should be 4 or 5X the size of eyelash tubes, not tiny tubes with tiny tiny letters.

    But more importantly, I think you should be concerned about Kesha’s (second above) comment about the ebola paste. That’s some weird shit. I’d make sure the seal on your next tube is intact, if I was you. I’m probably going to get flagged now by Homeland Security….
    Beware the paste.
    Les

  35. You know, I hate to say it, but it does say on the toothpaste “toothpaste” — with a bunch of Japanese characters. On the eyelash glue, in English no less, it does suggest that you: “Wait 30 – 40 seconds for adhesive to become tacky before applying lashes.”

    That said, I’m not in any position to talk. I once applied fake fingernails, had the glue stuff leak out and wound up sticking all but one finger to my computer keyboard. I was able to message all my friends, but it wasn’t much help since most of them were overseas and the ones who weren’t, wouldn’t come save me, because they were laughing too hard. Everyone suggested the whole “use acetone nail polish remover thing,” but that’s stuff all use when your fingers are all stuck to your keyboard.

  36. next time, take those lemons and make lemonade. glue some eyelashes to your upperlip and make a day of it.

    one time i had to call poison control bc i was making my breakfast oatmeal and had just put a big pat of butter on top (don’t judge.). of course, i licked my fingers clean bc no butter shall go unwanted around me. i noticed that it tasted kinda weird… kinda sour… and gross… and then i remembered i has just been petting the cats. and also remembered that my mom had just put their flea and tick medicine on the back of their necks.

    lesson: if your butter tastes like Advantix, you will go three months without fleas or ticks.
    .-= You’re Lucky I Don’t Have a Gun…´s last blog ..Profile =-.

  37. I laughed really hard on hearing your story – but if you look closely at the tubes both have English on them telling you what each is. If you are not sure check again! I’ll bet you’ll read labels in future.

    And for all the others out there blaming the Japanese for thsi – I do not quite understand your logic here. The stewardess was kind enough to provide some toothpaste in a standard airline size to this lady – it is a common enough size, it has Toothpaste clearly written on it in English – so how can then they be misconstrued as to place the blame with the Japanese. I think if anything the blame is with the user – in future read the labels before ingesting. Good lesson to one and all!

  38. Jenny, darlin’…I was all on your side and ready to kick Victor when I looked at your picture. The glue is in English. And, ok…so I don’t always read anything first either. Or look at it. (This is how I tried to finish the last of my Pepsi only to discover much too late that Matt had thrown a cigarette in it.)

    The bad news is that everything will taste like glue. And…I’d be afraid everything would stick together. Cheeks to molars, lips to incisors, tongue to backs of teeth or roof of mouth. And I’m REALLY HOPING YOU WAKE UP NOT STUCK!

    And, I’ll tell you a story. In a poor country in Africa the US medical people doled out nifty US supplies and medical supplies to the locals. One family, after taking their baby to the dr with an eye infection was given a tube of medicine to put into his eyes. The parents lovingly held the boy, held his eyes open, squeezed out the tube….and were told my medical people later on that they had mixed up the eye ointment with Superglue.

    Your eyelash toothpaste incident sort of pales in comparison, don’t you think?

    ((hugs))

    Elisa
    .-= Elisa´s last blog ..RANDOM with an E =-.

  43. not your fault at all, the pictures tell the whole story. you had a very valid reason to stab someone, i wonder why you did not! by the way its proven that you wear fake eyelashes and i’m already waiting to see ’em on you, your eyes i mean.

  45. It was anchovy paste for me. The disguised tube was cleverly placed next to my toothbrush by my brothers who were torqued that I was getting to go do something they weren’t. Think it was cruising in my Dad’s convertible car on the Ft. Lauderdale Strip during Spring Break (when it was cool there). But without my contacts in the morning, it’s all by feel. So…fish face.
    .-= Linnnn´s last blog ..License to Drive: The Photo, The Papers & WWBOD? =-.

  46. I’d mark them with BIG BLACK MARKER. Just think what will happen if you go to put on your fake eyelashes with that Japanese toothpaste???

  47. A friend of mine in high school once used my mom’s Fixodent to brush his teeth. He said it felt like concrete. He didn’t die from it, but we still make fun of him for it 10 years later. Also – do the Japanese use so much eyelash glue that they give it away now? I’m concerned.

  49. “…they kept asking me why I’d done it and every time I’d explain they’d say that they didn’t understand and I assumed they were making a tape of all of this to play to their friends later or possibly they honestly just couldn’t understand what I was saying…”

    Or, maybe they had to keep bringing a new person on the line to the replace the one who fell out of his chair ROTFLHAO when you told him what happened. Which means you might have been responsible for disabling the entire Poison Control Center – all because you couldn’t read Japanese.

    Seriously, you crack me up. They ought to do a teevee series about you.

    Oh, and btw did you see Nick Anderson’s latest cartoon? Looks like the Chron, or the Governor, is using your image in vain.

    ~EdT.
    .-= EdT.´s last blog ..Is This Sign REALLY Necessary!? =-.

  50. Ya know, you could have told Victor you were brushing your teeth so they would be nice and clean and white for the BJ you were planning on giving him that night, and ask him if he was still interested. Then just sit back and watch his head explode.

    That would teach him to not be more sympathetic to your problems.

    ~EdT.
    .-= EdT.´s last blog ..Congress Summons Volcano Gods to Explain Themselves =-.

  52. Why didn’t you just glue your eyelashes to your teeth? Then every time you talk you would be “batting your teeth” at someone, which is friendlier AND sexier than baring your teeth, with the added bonus of being able to say, “I’m thorry I than’t hear you, I have a mouthful of eyelathes.”
    .-= Julie´s last blog ..George the Superpet can be The Pet of the Week! =-.

  53. Wow. I have no idea what to write but I couldn’t NOT comment, you know? So:
    Holyfuckingshit-thankGODyou’realive!
    .-= Leslie´s last blog ..Grizzle =-.

  54. Yeah, people who are supposed to help you out in these situations are always totally judgey. I have a friend who thought his glue gun wasn’t working so he looked at the tip and ended up with a glue gun stuck to his eyeball which he was afraid to try to pull off himself for fear of losing his sight altogether. After several hours of waiting in the emergency room, the doctor finally comes in and says, “What are we here for today?”
    .-= Deana Birks´s last blog ..Learn to like it soggy =-.

  55. My mom’s friend once accidentally confused a tube of acne ointment with yeast infection cream. That shit burns, apparently…

  56. Absolutely fucking dying here!! Too funny, but right up my alley of some shit I would do! I feel you pain, I feel your pain!!

  58. Even if you did speak Japanese, that would be an easy mistake. I could see some groggy Japanese woman waking up and using the wrong tube. I’ll bet you’re not the first person to do that. (Maybe that’s why it’s non-toxic.)

    Either way, yuck! I feel sorry for you still.
    .-= Cole´s last blog ..Tuesday 4/20 =-.

  59. Victor seemed suspiciously blase regarding the entire incident – has anyone verified his whereabouts before said eyelash glue “mysteriously” ended up in the place previously occupied by the Japanese toothpaste?
    .-= Megan (Best of Fates)´s last blog ..New York City =-.

  60. Stupid poison control.

    I’ve called them several times over the years, and the most annoying thing is when they ask the age of the person who was poisoned [or, to be honest, NOT poisoned, but just panicked because her husband cleaned out the inside of the microwave with toxic Lysol type cleanser and did not tell his wife, who then used it and was worried about ingesting soup poisoned by a cloud of Lysol, which, I believe, is WORSE than mustard gas] and you have to tell them 40.

    Glad you are o.k. I think you need several drinks after that. I know I do.
    .-= Suniverse´s last blog ..You don’t know me =-.

  62. My mom’s friend once confused a tube of acne medication with yeast infection cream. That shit burns, apparently…

  63. I once confused my Dad’s Brillcream with toothpaste. Nasty stuff. You are a hoot. Love your blog. My husband just started the food blog referenced above.
    .-= Mary Beth Hale´s last blog ..Trinity Burger =-.

  64. I am slightly confused as to why eyelash glue was included in the kit in the first place. I mean, I can probably count on one hand how many times I’ve flown overseas only to arrive and say to myself, FUCK. I TOTALLY LEFT MY EYELASH GLUE AT HOME.

  65. I think you probably came out ahead in this deal. Based on the fact that all the Japanese stuff I’ve ingested has some sort of fish flavor, it’s unlikely that the toothpaste would have given you that minty fresh mouth you were seeking. On the other hand, if you do use the toothpaste in the future (because throwing out both tubes so you don’t confuse them again would NOT be something you’d do), you won’t ever have to worry about morning breath – it’s just toothpaste breath. (Actually, same goes for the eyelash glue, since you’ll probably glue your mouth shut next time – no morning breath!)
    .-= a´s last blog ..An open letter to Kodak =-.

  66. Oh great. We’re supposed to be going overseas this weekend, and now I have to worry about this as well as the damn volcanic ash that keeps spewing its shit into my air. When does the unfairness stop?????!!!
    .-= Mary @ Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..Excitement Abounds =-.

  71. Wait, you wear false eyelashes? Like, all the time, or just at blog conferences? Expensive ones or drugstore?
    I’m going to need some time to absorb this.
    .-= Babybloomr´s last blog ..Sundays =-.

  74. why the fuck don’t you know how to read Japanese? This could have all be avoided had you bought Rosetta Stone Learn Japanese! for eighty badillion dollars. I’m pretty sure you have to go do that, like now, so you can call the toothpaste customer service hot line and cuss at them in Japanese for putting their tooth paste in such tiny tubes.
    .-= fidget´s last blog ..8 =-.

  76. My husband almost brushed his teeth with my hemorrhoid cream. Sooo many jokes can be used right there….use your imagination. His mouth would have been puckered for days! hahahahha…I still laugh when I think about it…and yes, husband IS the reason I have hemorrhoids…..that, and I sit in this damn chair way to long working and surfing the web…but I prefer to blame my husband….
    .-= Erin´s last blog ..The nut doesn’t fall far =-.

  78. yes they *totally* look alike, i mean, minus the different sizes and japanese writings which is probably the expiration date anyways, that you can’t even fucking read. good one united airlines flying the friendly skies my ass. i am glad to hear that your mouth didn’t get permanently glued shut cuz there’s lots of good stuff to taste out there and that would suck never to eat again, but maybe a good diet hum, you’re so onto something. what was the name of the glue I won’t use it.

    i cant get my last blog post to show up, but i assure u i have one.

  82. I totally did something like this before. One time I had a sinus infection and I kept using what I thought was my prescription nose-spray. The stuff hurt like HELL, I mean really burned and I didn’t like using it. After using it for 3 days, when my eyes started working again, I noticed that I had in fact been using a spray bottle of GLASSES CLEANER. For fuck’s sake! Who makes glasses cleaner that looks exactly like a nose-spray bottle?? People who use nose spray are people too sick/allergic to read fucking labels!!

  84. I totally would’ve done what you did. Little tube with Japanese writing? Nobody would be thinking, “Better not mix this up with the eyelash glue I remember buying just as I’m looking for toothpaste.”

    Once, I put “Abreva” in my mouth and thought I was going to die, but that’s another story.

  85. I keep accidentally washing my face with hair gel so I can’t say anything. I’ve also super-glued my hands together, cut my neck with scissors while joking about cutting my neck with scissors, accidentally stepped on the bottom of an old rake and had it hit me in the face (just like in the movies), the list goes on. I feel your pain. And yes – my dog too. I’ve had to get his stomach pumped before. Don’t even ask.

  87. People like you – and I say this with the greatest of respect – are the reason there is a label on my chainsaw that says “WARNING: Do NOT try to stop moving blade with bare hand!”.
    .-= Nils´s last blog ..Allie and Fred =-.

  89. They hand out eyelash glue on airplanes in Japan? Really? Like, just in case you have a fake eyelash emergency? Those people ain’t right.

  90. Man, I got to bed last night thinking everything was good. And Now I read my fav person nearly poisoned herself to death. Really sucks. Glad you are Okay.

    One time I grabbed a bottle of wintergreen alcohol thinking it was mouthwash. I was minty fresh with a burning sensation and like you wouldn’t believe for about 2 hours.

  91. This has nothing to do with eyelash glue (which was friggin’ hilrious, mind you) but you MUST CHECK THIS OUT. —- The first-ever Mom Idol™ competition, hosted by Electrolux and American Idol®. Now through April 30, nominate your mom (or yourself, if you’re a mom) online at electroluxappliances.com. America will vote for its favorite of five finalists May 4-13. The mom who gets the most votes wins a trip for two to the American Idol® finale in Hollywood, a $5,000 donation to the charity of her choice, a VIP makeover, and a suite of Electrolux premium appliances. I KID YOU NOT!!!! WTF???? APPLIANCES!? Go get ’em girl…. ; >

  92. The Illinois Poison Control Center has a blog of all of the calls they took in 1 day: 282 calls. And while we shouldn’t laugh at other’s pain, I offer this as a way to make you feel better:

    A caller ate a sandwich with lunchmeat and only after eating it, realized the meat expired 7 months ago.

    You’re welcome.
    .-= Lindsey´s last blog ..Vanessa Redgrave and the Broom Game =-.

  93. The oddest part of this story for me is why in the name of god did your stewardess give you eyelash glue? WTF? Now I’ve got to somehow stop laughing in the next ten minutes so I can seem at least vaguely professional on my upcoming conference call. Thanks, Japan, you may have just inadvertently fucked up the financial foundation of this country. AGAIN.

  97. When I was a young child, my mother decided to give me a dose of Fletcher’s Castoria. So she reached into the medicine cabinet and pulled out a bottle and then proceeded to force me to take a couple of tablespoons of the stuff. I bitterly complained about the awful taste. She reprimanded me and said it didn’t taste bad at all and to prove it she tried it. At that point she made an awful face, looked at the bottle and then realized it was shoe polish.

  98. I’m sort of stuck on the whole deal where you got EYELASH GLUE in your travel kit. Really? REALLY?

    I’m picturing the committee that made that decision.

    Bob: Well, sure, toothpaste, lip balm, lotion. What else?

    Sue: Cheap socks. They’re going to need some cheap socks. And maybe a blindfold so they don’t realize we gave them cheap socks.

    Bob: Is that it then?

    Mike: No, we’re missing something. Think, think, think.

    Sue: How about an ascot? Or those Biore pore strips? Dried sea monkeys? FLOAM?

    Mike: No, those things aren’t right. Something everyone needs. Something no other airline gives. I GOT IT!! Eyelash glue!

    (I think they should have gone with the dried sea monkeys myself, but no one ever consults me on these things.)
    .-= JustLinda´s last blog ..OK, something’s gotta give… =-.

  100. I once had to call Poison Control because I MISTAKENLY took canine medication instead of my human one. They interrogated me and suggested I was attempting suicide. I’m pretty sure I could have devised more expedient ways to kill myself than pills meant for a Brittany Spaniel.

  101. The stewardess gave me toothpaste but I didn’t use it so I threw it in my make-up drawer, which is the same drawer that I’d thrown the eyelash glue that I used two Halloweens ago. I just saw the tiny white tube and assumed that was it. Because I’m an idiot who can’t be bothered to read.

    Also, I now have a tremendous ear ache and I assume I’ve given myself cancer. Going to the doctor in a few hours. I’m sure he’ll enjoy this whole story.

  103. I put tinactin in my eye thinking it was contact lens solution. Same shape container. Stung like a bee in the eye, or maybe like eyelash glue on the teeth, but worse than Pearl Harbor for sure (not really).

    No one believed I could be that stupid, either.

  104. My uncle shot through his hand with a nailgun. So my dad drives up to the emergency room to see him (since they’d taken him in an ambulance for some reason).

    Dad: “I’m here to see the idiot.”
    Nurse: “Nailgun?”
    Dad: “Nailgun.”

  105. i am curious as to why eyelash glue in your mouth gave you an earache…perhaps from holding your mouth open too widely in fear of gluing your teeth together? I sure hope the doctor explains it all to you and cures you completely (yeah, when has THAT ever happened?).

    i came very close to brushing my teeth with sunscreen this wk because both products were in those new stand up tubes and side by side on my sink…fortunately i caught myself in time.( but my husband DID take my epileptic dog’s meds once) and i am TOTALLY in sympathy with you and understand why you would mistake the 2 tubes…i hope you threw them BOTH out!

    breath deeply and try not to worry. and put some super glue in Victor’s hemmoriod cream…

  106. A few years ago, I broke my nose getting into bed (yeah, I’m that clumsy). My hubby drove me to the ER…yeah, medical people look at you with very judgy eyes at midnight with that story. And my husband had the nerve to make fun of me after the 3rd nurse left after asking how it happened. My answer to him “Watch it! I can tell them ANY story I want. And they’ll believe ME. Not you.”

  107. I once accidentally brushed my teeth with my grandfather’s hemorrhoid cream. I swear it looked *exactly* like toothpaste (I was 6 years old people). Tasted horrible, but what was even more bitter than the taste of hemorrhoid cream was my grandmother laughing uncontrollably at my mishap. I’m scarred for life…thanks Grandma.

  108. A few years ago, I broke my nose getting into bed (yeah, I’m that clumsy). My hubby drove me to the ER…yeah, medical people look at you with very judgy eyes at midnight with that story. And my husband had the nerve to make fun of me after the 3rd nurse left after asking how it happened. My answer to him “Watch it! I can tell them ANY story I want. And they’ll believe ME. Not you.”
    .-= Paula´s last blog ..No crayons for you! =-.

  109. wow that was hilarious. i one time, in a state of grad school delirium, brushed my teeth with stick deodorant. yeah, i dont really know how i didnt notice until it was in my mouth. something about taking the top of the deodorant, clicking it up, and then rubbing it on my toothbrush didnt cue me that something was wrong with the situation. tasted awful as well.
    .-= mollie´s last blog ..mid-week jam =-.

  110. I once accidentally drank (DRANK!) some liquid dishwasher soap and the people at the ER INSISTED i had been trying to kill myself, even going so far as to suggest that sometimes you DON’T KNOW that you want to kill yourself but that your subconscious knows you want to die. “Well,” I said, “My subconscious IS pretty smart.” For the next three days I was all Girl, Interrupted. Which was nice because I have two children and, like, NEVER get time away.
    .-= Fuck Yeah, Motherhood!´s last blog ..On Sundays, They Are DoubleHilarious. Must Be Because It’s The Lord’s Day. =-.

  111. I used to work for a company that made artificial nails and nail glue. I cannot tell you how many panicked calls we got from women who put nail glue in their eyes while driving thinking that it was eye drops. There should be a law that glues come in remarkably differently shaped containers than anything else. I mean, if you are having trouble seeing, thus need eye drops, well, one you should probably pull over, but two, it totally makes sense that you would confuse your eye drop bottle with a bottle of super glue!

  113. I laughed so fucking hard about this. Like the scene from American Pie. Muahahahahaha.

    Also, way to post this on 4/20. We really know how this happened.
    .-= mepsipax´s last blog ..Random Rant =-.

  115. I have two kids and have only called poison control once. Once. That’s right, cuz I’m a GOOD MOM. Anyway, I called them because my 1-yr. old had eaten a cat turd. Oh, whoops, did I say I was a good mom? Anyhowsies, she was chewing on it with her face all scrunched up sort of like she does with green beans except worse. She won’t put a green bean in her mouth, just looks at it and makes that face. Why a cat turd made it through that mental barrier will remain a mystery. So poison control asks me about the turd: is it from an indoor cat? from YOUR cat? is the cat sick? (Answers: yes, yes, no) and they say, don’t worry about it, she’ll be fine. What the fucking fuck?? So I have been cleaning my house like a slaving freak because it’s OK if my kid eats a whole turd? Seriously. So now I almost never clean and have way more fun with my kids on our dirty floor and the cat is dead anyway. I guess in a way poison control gave my kids’ their mom back. That was so not the intent of this comment. Crap.

  116. And they totally sell everything all jumbled up together so you can’t freaking tell what’s what. And why can’t they put a picture of an eyelash on it or something?
    .-= Plano Mom´s last blog ..My Son =-.

  117. After I stopped laughing so hard I peed myself, I took my eyelash glue out of the drawer in the bathroom and put it in with my nail polish. I don’t know why I didn’t just throw it away, because I only used it once at Halloween to stick fake lashes on the dog to go with her princess costume. Please don’t tell the ASPCA.
    I have sprayed hair spray under my arms (who of us hasn’t?), but I would never try to glue on lashes because i would probably end up glueing my eyes shut.
    .-= rogueartistsspeak´s last blog ..A SECRET LIFE EXPOSED!! =-.

  118. I am fairly certain the Japanese DO use it for brushing their teeth.

    They warn their young to avoid brushing with blowfish livers, but eyelash glue is okaydokay.

    I know this is true because I saw it on Glenn Beck.

  119. The next time you put that stuff on your teeth, go ahead and glue some eyelashes to your entire two rows of teeth. Then wake Victor out of a sound sleep and pretend you’re gonna bite him. It will scare the shit out of him and serve him right.

    Let us know how you make out.

  120. Haha, wow. I really feel for you, but at the same time this made a really funny anecdote. I was forwarded here from someone else’s tweet. Thanks for the fun story. 🙂
    .-= Amanda´s last blog ..I’m in KOREA! =-.

  121. Goddamn, Jenny. I was snacking on this spicy trail-mix stuff and nearly choked to death when I got to “fucking eyelash glue”. I mean, Jesus…my workmates nearly called 911. Could you maybe put warning up? No eating or drinking while reading your shit (especially NOT the spicy stuff)? Christ. You’re a fucking choking hazard!

  122. That could totally happen TO ANYONE. Those two tubes are probably BOTH made in Japan. I’d be careful of any imports right now, if I was you. But I’m not. But it would be cool to be you. Just like for a day. A day you go to a Japanese Pleasure Hotel.

    The same thing happened to my boyfriend. We had an unplanned stay at a hotel. The concierge gave us little IDENTICAL tubes of toothpaste and shaving cream. (You can totally see where this is going.) Next morning the BF is brushing his teeth and I’m next to him, blabbing on about nothing important, while we are both facing the mirror. He starts making this FACE and I’m thinking – Hey, what I’m telling you IS IMPORTANT. But I can tell he’s not listening (again). Then he looks at the tube and realizes he’s been brushing his teeth with shaving cream. I laughed for days. He did not find it funny. I still do.

  125. 3 things. 1st, you are awesome. 2.Upon seeing the tubes, it’s a totally honest mistake anyone could make, if they couldn’t read Japanese, and yet you made it into this post that’s both hilarious and makes us worry that you’ll be ok at the same time. Skillz. and finally, 3. DON’T DIE JENNY! DON’T DIE!
    Um. I think that about sums it up.

  127. So. Damn. Funny. For me, clearly not for you. I would be freaking the hell out too!

    This reminds me of a story about how this guy I knew went to a church camp retreat thing with this other guy. He forgot his toothpast so Guy 1 asked Guy 2 if he could use his. Guy 2 said sure, it’s in my bag over there. Guy 1 grabbed what he *thought* was toothpaste and then proceeded to brush his teeth with acne cream!
    .-= Katherine´s last blog ..I suppose we’re doing something right… =-.

  129. Totally could happen to anyone. My step-dad once grabbed a tube of Green Warming Gel out of the medicine cabinet and proceeded to glob the goo all over his hair, thinking it was hair gel. It was actually a Pic N Save version of Icy Hot. He screamed like a 4 year old girl as soon as it heated up. It. Was. Awesome.

  130. If it’s any reassurance, my friend’s mother once brushed her teeth for three days straight with anti-itch cream for “down there”.

  133. Which leads one to the obvious question: would the toothpaste work as eyelash glue? I really think you owe it to us to try. I’m mostly sure that it’s perfectly safe to put fluoride in your eye. Probably.

  134. I would suggest going to the dentist so that they can teach you techniques for brushing your teeth. Something about swallowing and spitting. Now that just sounds dirty and I’m going to go wash my mouth out.

    You should stick jewels to your teeth for the day. Fancy!
    .-= Jana´s last blog ..Something in the way =-.

  135. I drank some water that had bleach mixed with it and I didn’t call poison control because I know what douche canoes they can be.

    Also, I stabbed myself in the stomach with a pencil once and got a “graphite tattoo” like someone else mentioned. This is why you don’t walk on ice with a pencil in your jeans pocket with the point upward. I could totally have gutted myself and I still wouldn’t have told my mom because she would have been all “see what happens when you carry your pencil in your pocket?” and “why don’t you think about these things first?” and when you’re gutted by a pencil and lying on an icy sidewalk with school buses full of kids pointing and laughing at you when they go by and throw slush all over you, the last thing you need is your mom getting all judgemental on you.

  136. I’m sorry, but that is hilarious. And you are hilarious. But lest you think these things only happen to you, I smell a meme: Post about your weirdest poison control call.

    It wasn’t exactly poison control, but mine would have to be the time I had a two month old, and as a treat on my birthday, I took a nice long bath with one of those Lush bath bombs. Except, unbeknownst to me, it turned out to be a “glitter” bath bomb? So I was covered, head to toe, in a lovely sheen of twinkly fairy dust. Which I couldn’t get off. And then I had to nurse the baby. You do the math. The guy in customer service got a good laugh off me. Apparently, it’s fine for babies to eat glitter. (Which is good to know in a pinch.)

  138. Stupid Poison Control… they think they’re *so* great. “Look at me… I know what I should and should not ingest.. la de dah”. La. De. Dah, Jenny… La. De. Dah!
    .-= The Last Girl Standing´s last blog ..Love Bites =-.

  139. The whole time I was thinking, there’s NO WAY those two things look alike. BUT THEY DO. It’s that tricky japanese writing. Those bastards.

  141. But… wait, what if the eyelash glue is better? I mean, maybe having that crap coating your teeth will actually make them STRONGER and eventually can develop super teeth that are strong as steel and shit.

    …it could happen.
    .-= Beth´s last blog ..Finally Excited Again =-.

  142. A Vapid Blonde-
    But just think of the wonderful story your family and friends will have to tell!

    “….and THEN! Thinking the jar of chocolate flavored anal lube was chocolate dip, she dipped all her strawberries in it and proceeded to eat them all!”

  143. So in a poison related story…I was at the store Friday and they were being overly helpful to the point of annoying. I mean if I am reading the first chapter of a book I obviously don’t need help finding anything. Or if I’m reading the back of a DVD, or if I’m waiting to get in the dressing room, or if I’m grabbing a bag of chips. So; when I was walking down the center aisle and an employee had to stop me *ACTUALLY STOP ME* to ask if I needed help finding anything I said ” Sure, where’s your poison?” Scared looking idiot “Huh?!?” I said it slowly ” pooissoonn.” Idiot ” I’m pretty sure we don’t carry that.” Me ” Yes you do. So where is it?” Idiot looking ready to run away “I’m sorry but we don’t carry poison.” I start to walk off and say ” Well then how am I supposed to kill the ants?”

    That was fun for me and the people watching.

  144. I once grabbed the tube of Preparation H out of the bathroom drawer, slapped some on my toothbrush and went to town. The tube is green like Crest and the shit is minty and foams pretty well. I also feel like my insides are less inflamed, probably.

    I didn’t even think to call poison control.

  145. You saved your face by not closing your mouth, however. I went to a cheap dentist once who placed a mold over a broken tooth & then left to see another patient. I waited. & waited. & waited. Finally she came back. She had to ask a male assistant to help get my jaw separated from the damn mold. The bruises on the left side of my face should have won an Oscar. You did the right things.

  146. Well I have to jump in and share a poison story. My friend’s husband was making dinner for the two of them plus guests. I believe it was a stir fry. Anyway, he was putting in some of those dehydrated mushrooms that you rehydrate before using. However, he included the “DO NOT EAT” moisture absorbing packet into the stir fry because he thought it was seasoning. My friend, after taking a bite, realized that something was off and asked him what he put in the food. Once they figured it all out, they called poison control and as it turns out they were all fine. But dude, the package says DO NOT EAT. What is wrong with people? Oh man, maybe it was written in Japanese like your toothpaste. I sense a conspiracy!

  147. I once confused a bottle of that horrible tasting stuff you put on your nails to stop you biting them with a bottle of Lipcote that you put on over your lippy to keep it on all day. Bad Times Bad Taste!
    .-= The DHW´s last blog ..Le Bien La Mal =-.

  148. The fact that the contents of each tube are CLEARLY WRITTEN IN ENGLISH, VISIBLE IN THE PHOTO hasn’t stopped everyone from saying “I’d totally do the same thing [because I can’t read Japanese (or English)].” How are you people entertained by the blog if you can’t read English?

    On the other hand, given the way memory works, when you’re looking for toothpaste it’s easier to remember having a mini-tube of Japanese toothpaste than it is to remember that you also have a mini-tube of Japanese eyelash glue. So the story still works. I’d totally do the same thing, even if the tubes were labeled in English (which they are).
    .-= BrianMPLS´s last blog ..samstuffgorilla: @SweetStitches Will try, and will discretely direct you to her shop for a peek. =-.

  150. That’s like the insurance lady trying to convince my mom that sepsis is a pre-existing condition and getting pretty riled up on the phone when we tried to explain to her what sepsis really is (it being a wicked infection that she got, which usually kills people in a few days). I think people are judgey more because they are trying to cover up the fact they have no idea what they are doing.
    .-= anne´s last blog ..Reason #3 to buy a house. =-.

  151. Pediatricians are the worst with that judgment shit. They look at you like you’re beating your kids for not going to buy the cigarettes you sent them to get. I mean really, Camel Lights, is it really that hard to remember?
    .-= Holmes´s last blog ..How You Do It* =-.

  152. I’m so glad that I’m not the only one who does shit like this. Not that it’ll make you feel any better, but I totally would’ve done the same thing.

    Just last week, instead of putting leave-in conditioner in my hair, I used spray-n-wash stain remover. I’m still not sure how I managed that – the bottles aren’t on the same shelf or even remotely the same size. Stuff burns like a bitch! Still, it’s better than the time I thought I was working conditioner through my hair with a hairpick…except it was really a razor.

  153. I once used toothpaste for muscle cream, thankfully not the other way around. And also luckily I wasn’t even putting it on myself. I would wish you the same luck, dear Jenny, but as history has showed, you’re far beyond that. Far, far, far beyond.

  156. When I was a freshman in college my boyfriend, who was a senior and therefore older and supposedly wiser, put Icy Hot on his balls. I’m pretty sure it was intentional–we were both injured and had a tube around so we were using it to make my leg and his arm feel better, and I got up to go to the bathroom, and when I got back he was curled up whimpering and I laughed really hard and tried to figure out how to clean it so he’d be in less pain.

    A few years later I was talking to a friend who also dated the same guy in college, before I did. Apparently he’d put icy hot on his balls while he was dating HER and decided it made a good party trick or something, so he repeated the stunt with me. At least you’re not doing this shit on purpose.
    .-= Edana´s last blog ..Best Basic Cupcake Recipe =-.

  157. OH ALSO people look at me weird when they see that I have Poison Control saved in my phone. Like it’s completely irrational. Now I can just mention my Japanese cousins and point out that my toothpaste could actually be eyelash glue and what would I do then. Thank you for making it easier to explain this stuff.
    .-= Edana´s last blog ..Best Basic Cupcake Recipe =-.

  158. I’ve got a poison control story but it’s just scary instead of funny.

    About five years ago my son (he was about 7 at the time) stepped outside to play while I was working in the yard. It was a really nice summer day so the bugs were really out. I told him to put on some of his kids’ bug spray. He grabbed the wrong bug spray (the aerosol strong stuff that you aren’t even supposed to put on kids’ skin) that had been sitting in the sun all day. As soon as he pressed the button the pressure sent a ton of spray straight into his face. I mean a ton. He had only pressed it for a second and he came screaming towards me with his face completely drenched in bug spray. I called poison control and flushed his eyes out for like 20 minutes and he was fine but I was so scared shitless that he was going to be blind or something.

  160. Poison Control really is judgemental until you get to know them. When you have them on speed dial and they know you by name, they really warm up a bit. One time my son tried to brush his teeth with “white-out”, which kind of makes sense because it makes things white and it’s got that tiny brush in the lid, and I had to call them. Turns out it’s not poisonous. After that I just called them alot because I was bored. Okay, and he kept eating stuff he wasn’t supposed to. And no, I don’t think that if I wasn’t so busy talking to poison control, I could have kept a better eye on him. Don’t judge me.

    ♥Spot
    .-= Spot´s last blog ..18 and NOT pregnant…or the one in which Lu scares the crap out of me… =-.

  161. Want to feel better? I was more than halfway through this post before I realized that part of the issue was that Japanese toothpaste would be labeled Toothpaste IN JAPANESE. Because in my mind, I thought it was totally viable to confuse the normal tube labeled eye lash glue as toothpaste.

    But then, I live in a Ben Stiller movie apparently. Which is why I’m typing this covered shoulder to ankle in grape drink.
    .-= KLZ´s last blog ..I Need My Ears Cleaned =-.

  164. Yikes, girl. One time I put ear drops in my right eye. Everything went black and I felt like I was descending into Hell. I washed my eye out for what seemed like the next 3 days. It’s been at least 5 years since and my right eyelid still doesn’t open as wide as my left. And I have small eyes to begin with for crying out loud.

    It was totally my fault because I just grabbed the little white dispenser bottle that looked EXACTLY like the eye drops bottle without looking. Now I’m very very careful about what I put in my eyes
    .-= Ginny´s last blog ..Weekend Feature: “Ask Dr. Doggett” =-.

  165. I know I already commented on this post on twitter, but damn, reading it again on a 24″ screen (instead of sucking even more eyesight out of my poor old eyes reading shit on my iPhone), I am once again peeing… Though I’ve never actually brushed my teeth w/ eyelash glue, I DO think it’s plausible to mistake the one tube for the other. I mean really, is Victor THAT blind that he can’t see how you could have died, or gone blind, or something?

    Sigh. Men.
    .-= Cheryl´s last blog ..Easter Sunday 2010 =-.

  166. One, time I superglued the inside of my nostril. I was trying to jimmy an American Girl doll’s leg that had gotten torn off in a fight between two of my daughters, because we’re bar fighters like that, and I didn’t want to pay the exorbitant fees for the American Girl doll hospital which are more jacked up than real hospitals. As I was supergluing, I sneezed violently, causing my hand with the superglue tube in it, to automatically fly up to my nose. Not only does that shit stick, it burns like a mother. Just a little tip, in case you’re thinking of huffing, stick with the airplane glue.
    .-= joann mannix´s last blog ..I’m No Picabo And Who Names Their Kid, Picabo? =-.

  167. Maybe they aren’t trying to poison you but are testing you to be Empress Bloggess of Japan? Maybe surviving eyelash paste poisoning is equivalent to fighting off a hundred Ninjas?

    I hear they swapped Heidi Klum’s salt and sugar and now she’s out!

    It’s a very good thing you didn’t accidentally lick your’s or someone else’s eyelash because that’s when the glue locks in you know! Screw those amateurs at Poison Control! You’d be at the ER trying to explain with your tongue glued to your’s or someone’s freaking eyeball!

    “atha-neeth! oi-thon! ooth-ath!”

    Victor should watch out!

    I bet the ER would think you were Siamese twins and would try to separate you.

    I bet your teeth are REALLY clean now.

    I hope you think of us when you’re eating sushi in your secret, Empress moon base.

  168. Did you go to the same doctor you went to for your hand? Because they might just decide you have some sort of Munchhausen syndrome on yourself – “stabbed by a chicken” and “ingested Japanese eyelash glue”
    within a 45 day period might generate a look-see from the psych people, and they REALLY get judgey. You ain’t seen judgey till one of them decides they might could get a paper in “Science” or “Psychology Today” out of grilling you about these things.
    And I am kind of new, so sorry if you’ve covered this already, but could you see your way clear to renting out a large venue for all of these waaaaay funny people who comment to get together and partay? There is so much potential in a party like that, I can’t even think about it right now. You could invite the poison control people too, just to mess with them.

  173. Pingback: I’m sorry, I spaced out again. | Inane Chatter

  174. I accidentally ate a ladybug just now while reading your comments. They taste pretty bitter.

  176. So get this. The nurse at the walk-in clinic that I go to (b/c the regular dr. makes you wait for-freakin-ever to get in) told me in no uncertain terms to stop it with the home repairs already and hire a professional. The nerve! Just because it was the third time in two months that I’d been in to see her and because it was the second time that actually probably should have put me in the hospital but miraculously didn’t. Sheesh. All I did was drop a hammer on top of my head. Anyone could do that. Just after putting their hand through a window and slicing off a few pieces. It’s not like no one does that either. Oh, and I electrocuted myself that one time with the stove and the dishwasher. Ok, it was two times.
    .-= Mikki´s last blog ..Chili’s =-.

  177. I’m somewhat interested in how you know the exact size of a hamster femur. There should be another story about that. I bet it’s interesting!

  178. I once had to call Poison Control because my then very young son had eaten who knows how many diuretics. And you’re right – they are dicks. They kept asking me “how many did he eat?” And each time I would tell them I didn’t know. They kept pressing me for the right answer and I was all, “How in the fuck should I know how many he ate? Do you think I fucking sat there watching him and tallied them up before I called you?” That was before the days of innernets so I was pretty much at their mercy. It was pathetic. I have been so thankful for Al Gore and his inventing the innernets ever since so I never have to deal with those bastards at Poison Control again.
    .-= Bleach Blonde´s last blog ..Hillbillies =-.

  179. This reminds of one time when I was using toner on my face and was also wondering why it smelled so strong. Turns out I had just toned my face with nail polish remover. That’s right. And let me assure you, that shit stings when you wipe it all over your face with a cottonball. Also, the smell could kill a cat.

  180. Someone I love once accidentally bounced a chainsaw back in his face, causing permanent scarring with his metal face shield. Years later, he and another guy were talking about their bucket lists, and the other guy pointed at the scar and said, “Hit self in face with chainsaw–CHECK.”
    .-= Victoria Mixon´s last blog ..Selling world rights in a cloud =-.

  182. I miss your happy posts. Like when you got James Garfield. Although this one is kinda happy because you didn’t die and apparently your jaw isn’t stuck closed because we’d TOTALLY have heard about THAT by now. So yeah… this is a happy post. So just disregard this. But how is James Garfield?
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..Ya’ll… I’m flippin… =-.

  183. When you call poison control ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS say that your **kid** ate the poison. Because when you say your kid decided to brush his teeth with battery acid or whatever, they don’t question it for even a second. Kids are famous for being random, impulsive, and illiterate. Does not matter whether you really have a kid, they aren’t going to check. Tell them it was a teeeny amount to account for the difference in body mass and just find out if you need to drink milk or go to the ER or etc.
    .-= Electric Boogaloo´s last blog ..The big why =-.

  186. I’m just glad to be in such great company with all these other people who pee themselves while reading your blog. I wonder if any of them laugh so hard that they fart too. Not that I do.

  187. I’d like to tell you a little story about the effect this post has had on my life.

    I’m the assistant manager at a pub, so I work a lot of nights, which is usually a good thing seeing as how mornings and I haven’t seen eye to eye since I was a small, small child.

    I’ve just started a new job and this first week is all day shifts.

    This morning, I stagger out of bed, switch on the kettle, dump half a jar of coffee into a mug and get online so I can find out all the important interweb stuff I missed while sleeping.

    I read this post and almost had to change the couch covers, I laughed so hard. I get up, put bread in the toaster (which doesn’t automatically switch off any more and I am too cheap, uh, thrifty, to buy a new one).

    At this point, I sit down with my coffee waiting for the toast to read the comments.

    A while later, I’m wondering why my house smells like a bush fire.

    Yes, I was so wrapped up in the comments on this post, I forgot the toast and it started to burn. Not singe, but burn, clouds of black, acrid smoke wafting through my house. AND I had to make more toast. Which tasted like bushfire smells.

    I’ve just gotten home from work, and despite the windows being open all day, my house still smells like a bushfire.

    Japan has so much to answer for.

    Just quietly, my cats worming cream looks just like that miniature toothpaste tube, or the eyelash glue.

    I’m just hoping I never apply the glue to the cat.
    .-= Sally Megan´s last blog ..aloggla: wonders at what point do they stop being jeans and start being iron on patches with some denim attached? #thriftybitch =-.

  188. Lol!

    I’ve had a good experiences with Poison Control. My first phone call with them went something like this:

    Lady: poison control
    Me: um, hi. My daughter just ate dish soap and…
    Lady: I’m sorry, did you say she ate dish soap?
    Me: well, she drank dish soap
    Lady: dish soap?
    Me: yes. She drank like, half the bottle.
    Lady: she drank HALF A BOTTLE of DISH SOAP? That must have tasted horrible.
    Me: well, it was apple scented.
    [Lady laughs hysterically, she let’s me knw my kid will probably poop – but not produce bubbles – DAMN!]
    Lady: so just makes sure she stays hydrated. We’ll call back to check on you tomorrow.
    Me: thank you
    Lady: I also suggest you buy non-scented soap now.

    The second time I called them:
    Lady (number 2): poison control
    Me: um, my son just ate a live bug. He puked it up, but I don’t know how long it was in there.
    Lady: I’m sorry, what did he swallow?
    Me: a bug. He puked it up, I’m looking at it. But, I don’t know if its poisonous
    Lady: do you know what kind of insect it is?
    Me. Its a cicada. I’m positive. I googled it
    Lady: they have hard shells that can affect the throat and stomach when chewed up and s—
    Me: he swallowed it whole
    Lady: I’m SORRY?!?! He- He uh – How old is he?
    Me: one year
    Lady: and he swallowed a live cicada, whole? Are you sure?
    Me: yeah, I told you, I’m looking at it
    Lady: ok [some qs about vitals and shit] they’re not poisonous. I’m sure he’ll be fine
    Me: does it make any difference if the bug is still alive? Its twitching. Like, that’s not normal. To swallow and puke up a big bug without killing it, right?
    Lady: I don’t think so…
    Me: …
    Lady: if you don’t mind me asking, how did he even catch it? They’re fast!

  189. Well, Victor was pretty nonchalant about the whole thing. Husbands. You would think your husband wouldn’t get mad at having to help you put a bandaid on the finger HE JUST CUT trying to use the new shredding scissors someone gave you. Apparently if it was an accident, you aren’t to blame so you can’t help? I call bullshit.
    .-= Dani´s last blog ..Of Birthdays, Gas Cans and Limited Internet =-.

  190. I have to limit my calls to poison control because I’m pretty sure I’m on some master “watch list” – so if I get too many calls, the Child Protective people will raid my house. So even if I ate glue, I’d be taking a metaphorical bullet for my kids. Kids, they’re so selfish.

  191. You had me at motherfucker.

    I really need to stop reading your blog at work because I always end up sounding like I’m choking on a sandwich or possibly having a seizure and then the boss lady gets all mad.

    If it makes ya feel any better I once sprayed my entire body down with hairspray instead of sunscreen. But I don’t have any other excuse except that I was totally oblivious. Oh, and drunk.
    .-= Jenny Jerkface´s last blog ..Dr. Cullen, Can I Be Your Beck and Call Girl? =-.

  192. i can totally see how you might have confused the one tube for the other. come to think of it, that little tube also looks suspiciously like the anti-fungal vag gel that they put in the boxes of yeast infection treatments. not sure if that stuff is as toxic as eyelash glue but i doubt you’d want vag cream in your mouth either.
    that came out so filthily.
    sorry…
    .-= steff´s last blog ..Don’t Put Marbles In Your Nose/Put Them In There/DO NOT PUT THEM IN THERE (or anything else for that matter) =-.

  194. and i mean the comic specifically for April 22. i think the link just goes to the general page for the comic strip. (just in the crazy wild deluded chance that you aren’t eagerly waiting by your computer at every second of the day, waiting for comments (i mean, only crazy people do that, right?) and you happen to get this a day late and the comic for April 23 or 24 in no way whatever pertains to you. although it is a really awesome comic strip pretty much most days. but yeah. April 22 in particular.)
    xx x
    .-= Anise´s last blog ..having thought time was linear, i was in for a surprise. or watching too much X-Files. hard to say. =-.

  196. Hmmmm… I don’t know what to say. I once took a sip of my brothers tobacco spit crap. He was using a Coke can to spit in. Sat it right by MY Coke. I picked the wrong one up. Similar? No. No it’s not, both cans said “COKE”. Your toothpaste clearly says “toothpaste” in tiny, microscopic letters. So? Maybe get glasses? Stronger ones?
    .-= Martie´s last blog ..My Earliest Memory… =-.

  197. Every time I see my husband’s nasty-ass cream (literally ass cream, as in hemorroid cream) out on the bathroom counter, I think “I hope you mix it up with toothpaste.” Cuz he’s groggy as hell in the morning and it would make me laugh like hell. Did I mention how he doesn’t care that he leaves his ass cream out whether we have guests or not?
    .-= Swedishskier´s last blog ..Beautiful Spring =-.

  198. Oh Bloggess, please don’t hate me for laughing at you and your predicament. I’m so glad that you’re okay, but Im doubly glad that Im not the only one that does this sort of thing.

  199. OMGGG! Okay, first of all..it’s my first time over here & I think I’m in love! You are freakin hysterical! I’m trying not to laugh…but holy shat…I’m just imagining it all going down! Glad you’re okay…you crazy tweaker you! 🙂
    .-= J´s last blog ..HAPPY EARTH DAY! Ecobags Review & Giveaway =-.

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  206. I just bought some Japanese toothpaste that’s “Banana Monkey” flavored. The description is quite accurate – the nose and the front notes are fresh banana and the finish is pure monkey.

    In regard to using eyelash glue, it’s acutally the friction from brushing that cleans your teeth and not the dentifrice itself. So you’re totally fine.

  208. Feeling so much better about mixing up my blood pressure pills and the Colace. Also, if you think poison control is judge-y you should try calling the Clairol hotline. They kept expecting me to answer all sorts of hard questions like, “What is your natural hair color?” etc. And a friend of mine called the Alli hotline to ask how to clean “leakage” stains from your car seats and they were COMPLETELY unhelpful. Customer service indeed.

  209. This is the most tragic yet hilarious story ever. You win. Well, not really since you just ate glue but still. It’s impressive.

  210. You didn’t tell us how you got the glue off of your teeth! Did you just gargle a bunch of times with Listerine or something? Were there any bad side effects? Finish the story please!

    Also, this one time, when my husband and I were getting busy, he reached into the nightstand drawer for the tube of KY and instead grabbed a tube of Dr. Scholl’s foot cream. There was an unexpected and not pleasant tingling sensation before we realized his mistake.
    .-= Elizabeth´s last blog ..Secrets of the Mountain Giveaway Winner =-.

  211. I remember hearing about a woman who was serving on a jury in DC – they had to stop the trial because she reached into her purse to get eyedrops but ended up squirting nail glue into her eyes. True story. It happens!
    .-= Meg´s last blog ..Iron On =-.

  212. Something else to not get confused – hand sanitizer and KY Jelly. Don’t ask. Yes it stung.

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  214. LOL… thanks so much for the laugh!! This so reminded me of the time that, as a kid, I brushed my teeth with my little brother’s diaper rash cream… yuck!

  215. You are so not alone! Well, maybe in mixing up the eye glue, specifically. My sister did that once but she mixed up the toothpaste with shaving cream. Needless to say she was monitored for rabies for a few hours.

  216. you are a breath of fresh air!!! HAHAHA!! I am the same way…shit like this always happens to me and when I tell people what happened they don’t believe me…except my Husband!! I love your personaility!! Keep on Bitchin’!!

  217. You were wise not to call poison control. They would have made fun of you. I had a boss who accidentally confused his multi-vitamin with his dogs heart worm medication, so naturally he made his assistant (that was ME) call them to see if he would die. They started laughing hysterically and told me to WALK HIM THREE TIMES A DAY AND MAKE SURE HE HAD ACCESS TO FRESH WATER. Then they hung up, ON ME. What they didn’t understand is that this is the kind of thing that gets a lowly publishing assistant fired in New York City. It’s cut throat!
    x
    Paula http://www.adhocmom.com
    .-= adhocmom´s last blog ..Yo Stonyfield Farms! I am Going SO Jamie Oliver On Your Ass! =-.

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  220. Glad you didn’t die from the glue…I bet Elmers would have tasted better. Just sayin’…
    WTF are you glueing eyelashes on anyway? Were you born without them or just out of mascara? I can’t imagine adding glue near my balls, eyeballs that is. No glue, tape or pointy things go near my eyes, except tweezer. I just gotta yank those Albert Einstein hairs out – caterpillar eyes detract from my red lipstick. Don’t even get me started about my moustache…
    .-= GiggleOn´s last blog ..Say No to Camel Toe, Yes to Playfulness =-.

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  222. Ahhh, once I tried to take my eye makeup off with nail polish remover! Also totally not my fault – I was multitasking while trying to get through law school reading…. and I also freaked out and thought I was going to go blind…

  223. You don’t need to explain how it’s possible to brush your teeth with things in tubes other than toothpaste. When she was six, my sister brushed her teeth with A-5 3-5, this muscle rub stuff that my dad used after playing hockey. The shit of it is, that the stuff smells minty, so it took her a while to figure out what she had done. It made her mouth burn like fire, but not like the type of fire that makes you not able to scream bloody murder. She lived. But it does make you wonder why companies are even allowed to make bathroom-related products in toothpaste-shaped tubes. Pharmaceutical fail. I’m sure that if one of the pharmaceutical RD guys’ kids brushed their teeth with sore muscle rub, the packaging issue would be solved pretty damn fast.

    PS–love your blog.

  224. It’s an easy mistake to make. Those tubes look exactly the same.

    Oh, PS, in case any glue-related incidents ever happen again (or for anyone else who’s still reading comments from a post from April) – lemon juice. That shit’ll dissolve glue (and lost of other stuff) and you won’t die. Maybe.

  225. I can beat this story…..unfortunately. I wear contacts so my eyes are constantly dry (not sure if this is normal but I blame it on the contacts…probably not their fault. I don’t change them enough.) so one day my eyes are driving me CRAZY so I go into the bathroom and grab some eye drops…put them in one eye, do the blinky thing, and without looking grab the eye drops again and put them in my other eye. Except this time it doesn’t feel right…I look down and OH YESSS I accidently grabbed glue for acrylic nails…and put it in my eye. I was fairly positive I was going to die. I was alone and too scared to call poison control because I didn’t want them to tell me I was going to die, so instead I spent hours squirting water in my eye with the spray bottle I use on our cats to keep them off the counter or from eating each other’s barf – and held my eye lid open for what seemed like an eternity to avoid gluing my eye shut-I would have no way to explain that to boyfriend, and he just COULDN’t find out about this. I am ALWAYS screwing things up.

    A couple weeks later we had some friends over and like always I got a little too drunk and starting telling stories, and of COURSE this one came up. Boyfriend looked at me like WTF!!! He was disappointed, but not surprised, and then took everything out of the bathroom that I might confuse with my eye drops.

  226. I did the same thing. I put eyelash glue in my mouth thinking it were abesol for a tooothache. I pulled it out my purse not looking. they are the same size in the same type of tube. I have been sick, that’s how I found this post googling to see if I were going to be poisoned or not.

  227. I feel your pain. One time I thought I was putting Ambesol on a cut in my mouth, but it was really Preparation H. So gross! My husband laughed so hard and then he made me call my family and tell them because he did not want them to think he poisoned me!

  228. I know its retarded to comment on a post from two freaking years ago, but…(what, I’m catching up)…….your post makes me feel so “not stupid” for accidentally putting nasal spray IN MY EYE because it looked like eye drops and I needed eye-drops because I couldn’t see in the first place. And if they don’t want you to put nasal spray in your eye, they shouldn’t shape the bottle like eye-drops. Anyway, I got a fungus on my eye from the nasal spray which had apparently once been up my nose, awesome! So they prescribed me EYE-DROPS for the fungus……really?

  229. My husband brushed his teeth with Desitin Baby OIntment numerous times. And I once approximated your situation my Super-gluing two objects together and then putting it in my mouth to hold it while I did something else….I’m so poor at multi-tasking…

  230. Hahahahahaa oh god. Look at the GOOD size I guess. At least it was not poisonous and you learned an important lesson. If it looks like a chicken it doesn’t necessarily means it is one. Don’t go around brushing your teeth with random products that might or might not be toothpaste

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