Your zombie armor has some serious design flaws.

My friend Shauna sent me a link to this:

It’s basically a nightstand that doubles as a shield and bat for fighting zombies.  And it will totally fucking get you killed.

No. Just no.

I mean, I applaud the concept but as soon as you pull out the bat you’re left with a giant exposed nail sticking out of the floor which you will immediately step on because it’s night-time and you can’t even walk across the room without stubbing your toe on something even when there aren’t zombies all over your house and then you’re going to bleed all over the floor and then you’re doubly fucked because you know when someone asks if you want the last orange and you say no because you aren’t hungry but then as soon as they cut into it you smell the citrusy juices inside and then you decide that you totally do want that orange?  Exactly. You just became the orange. Plus, now you’re distracted because you have a nightstand base stuck in your foot like you’re some sort of terrible shish-kabob. Honestly, it’s like zombies fucking designed this table.

And even if you do manage to kill the zombies and run out of your house you’ll still have blood pouring from your shoe and then I’m totally going to shoot you with my riot gun because I can’t see that well from my roof and I’m going to assume that you got bit in the foot and I just want to put you out of your misery before you turn into a zombie because I’m thoughtful that way. And then I’ll yell out “STOP SCREAMING.  I’M DOING THIS FOR YOU.  YOU’RE WELCOME” and that will be the last thing that you ever hear.  Plus, then I’ll probably go to hell because I’m pretty sure you get forgiven for shooting an almost-zombie from your roof but I think if you shoot someone who just accidentally stepped on a nail that counts as murder no matter well-intentioned you are.  I don’t know.  I haven’t gotten to the zombie part in the Bible yet.  I imagine it’s probably a mortal sin though.  At best it’s hard to defend.  So basically now we’re all fucked.  Nice job, asshole.  Maybe stop being so inconsiderate with your poor choice in zombie furniture and instead keep a riot gun strapped to your roof like the rest of us.

PS. I think I’ve had too many energy drinks today but this is all still valid advice.

Comment of the day:  Yeah…No. I’m just going to continue sleeping with a chainsaw under my bed. Also, there’s a surprise twist in the Bible. Turns out *Jesus* is a zombie. That’s why we have Easter. ~ Beckles

142 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I agree – energy drinks do not detract from the validity of your advice. Nor do alcoholic drinks, carbonated drinks, or lemonade-y drinks.

    PS
    You ARE a rock star.

  2. So I check with my friend who is a cop and she said that unless the person is a full fledged Zombie it’s murder. But like how the hell are can you tell from the roof and it’s it always to be safe not sorry. At least my Mom says so.
    .-= Jenn´s last blog ..On The Verge =-.

  3. The zombie part of the bible must be in the second half because I don’t have a second half to my bible and I’ve never read that part either…
    .-= tokenblogger´s last blog ..So the interviews… =-.

  4. I think a table resting on a shotgun would probably be more effective. Just sayin’.
    .-= Daniel´s last blog ..Back Before the Days of Twitter =-.

  5. I forgive you for shooting me.

    I mean “Thank you?”

    BTW don’t you hate it when you set a zombie on fire and then they just keep walking around setting crap on fire in your house? I’m all like, “Stop drop and roll you undead thing! That’s Grandma’s drapes, GET AWAY FROM THERE!” So then you have to go put out the burning Zombie to save your house and what thanks do you get?

    A bite on the neck.

    Yeah, I ordered two of the tables.
    .-= Houston´s last blog ..Caption This =-.

  6. Also, the designers have totally underestimated a zombie’s intelligence. They will see that’s no nightstand and use it to bludgeon you to death in your sleep. Even zombies realize the importance of tenderizing red meat before eating it.

  7. Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live – Exodus 22:18. Pretty sure the same goes for zombies.
    .-= mr farty´s last blog ..FO Condemns "Despicable Cult" =-.

  8. That is awesome….until you notice the piercer left on the floor. Good catch. I feel I missed out on the twitter zombie thing and that makes me sad. Only time I ever wished to be caught by zombies.
    .-= mepsipax´s last blog ..Fuck you breeders =-.

  9. Um, what about the exposed nail under the shield? Even if you managed to miraculously avoid stepping on the base nail in the dark, you’d totally get speared in the jugular with that bad boy when you accidentally bumped into the door frame trying to make a hasty exit. So yeah, totally designed by zombies. Probably Amish zombies because lord knows the Amish love making furniture.

  10. First of all, they say you should never drive barefoot. Maybe you should sleep with your shoes on. I do. And that’s all I have on. I digress. I am thinking that if we get to the point where we are taking up arms against zombies – all the rules about murder go out the window. I mean, it’s a good excuse to shoot some people you’ve been wanting/needing to shoot FOREVER! It’s not like a non-zombie coroner is going to be able to determine that the cause of death was *NOT* zombie related, right?

  11. I’m pretty sure you don’t go to hell for killing someone you think is a zombie under those circumstances. Actually, I’m thinking you’d get rewarded. I mean, you’re saving them from being viciously devoured by Satan’s brainless minions* by shooting them.

    *I am in fact referring to zombies even though it sounds like I’m talking about anyone associated with Fox news.
    .-= Katie´s last blog ..In Creative Writing =-.

  12. Again, I’ve been having terrible nightmares about zombies thanks to my increase in medication, and now this will give me even more fodder for my f***ing subconscious. I can’t even trust my FURNITURE during a zombie attack… it wasn’t enough that my weapons consist of a) an overly large flashlight and b) a bag of pennies. THANKS.
    .-= K´s last blog ..I have a lot of things to do tomorrow, so I’m distracting myself from thinking about it at the moment through this entry =-.

  13. I was going to say something really cool about the bible and zombies but my husband said I should stick to offending Twilight fans for a few days, and see how that goes. So, sorry, you’re missing out.
    .-= Sandrine´s last blog ..Portraits =-.

  14. I’m not as worried about defending myself as I am about escaping successfully.
    I’m hoping that any intruding zombie will be confused by the number of pets in my house and the amount of dirty laundry by my bed … offering me the chance to flee the house from my 2′ x 2′ bathroom window … wish me luck…

    (I just said “flee” … I’m such a dork.)
    .-= The Queer Next Door´s last blog ..The Texas-Shaped Tortilla Chip Says It All =-.

  15. Shouldn’t the designers have come up with something that doesn’t make you have to be so close to the zombies to defend yourself? Seriously, build a bow and arrow system in that table because I’m not getting close enough to bang zombies over the head with a club. I’m running fast like a rabbit and NOT sticking around like a turtle.
    .-= Tammy Camp´s last blog ..Video Post: Charity Trip to Dominican Republic with the DREAM Project =-.

  16. Killing zombies is a pretty serious sin since Jesus was one and went around making them, raising people from the dead and such.

  17. Um… I’m sorry, are you arguing that we’re going to stand a chance against the zombies? I mean, maybe if they turn out to be Nazi zombies and we’ll have this moral righteous anger to work with, but clearly we’re gonna lose anyway.

    And if we can’t lose while using awesome furniture, well then, I’m not sure I even want to fight the zombies in the first place.
    .-= Megan (Best of Fates)´s last blog ..Enron =-.

  18. 18
    HexingThoughts

    Whoa whoa whoa… There’s such a thing as “too many energy drinks”? Say it ain’t so!

    Also, that table would make a great gift for someone you don’t really like. It makes it look like you want to protect them, but if you’re really handy, you can beef up the nail and make it so they get stuck. Hmm… Wonder if I can get a bulk deal on these?

  19. If the design is that shoddy, just think how shitty the materials must be. One whack on the zombie and you’ll be stuck with a splintered nub club.
    Zombie fuckers.
    .-= Average Jill´s last blog ..Someone! Quick! Talk me off the ledge! =-.

  20. Actually, on closer inspection that looks like a screw, not a nail. Yeah, like that’s gonna work. “Hang on there, Mr Zombie, while I unscrew this table into its component – aaaarrrrgghhhh! Stop biting me!”
    .-= mr farty´s last blog ..FO Condemns "Despicable Cult" =-.

  21. This totally happened to me. I bought one of those during your last zombie apocolypse on twitter. I totally stepped on the base and it got stuck to my foot and then you’re running around the house with the base of a table as a shoe, and it’s not easy to be quiet that way. It’s like a huge fucking cymbal attached to your foot. As if the blood spurting everywhere wasn’t bad enough. True story.

  22. i’d still use it. i would just chew a piece of Bubble Yum super-fast and put it on the “exposed nail” while i’m preparing myself mentally to fight the zombie intruder{s} and practicing my high kicks. it seems like a lot more fun to use than the hunting knife i have hidden under my mattress.

  23. This design is like that stupid movie where they kill the aliens by throwing water in their faces! Let’s just throw water on the zombies. That should work!
    .-= Deana Birks´s last blog ..Tell me I’m not the only person who does this! =-.

  24. Now, you said that they would have blood pouring from their shoe. Do you really think that this person would have the time to put THEIR SHOES ON during a Zombie Attack? If so – I think THAT is reason enough to shoot them. Unless of course they sleep in their shoes just in CASE Of Zombie Attack…In that case, they are better prepared than I. I haven’t made it that far in my Zombie Attack Manual yet.
    .-= Kerrie´s last blog ..So Many Things Wrong With Me =-.

  25. OK I called several religious authorities and they all said don’t worry about the “going to hell thing” your already on the distinguished guests list.” Then I called a cop I know but he was out on a call and had to beat someone up. So I called my lawyer friends and they all swam over to the speaker phone near their shark tank and 9 out of 10 agree they could totally get you off from the charge since it was sudo implied self defense and they would in turn make you a friggin hero in the story. I checked with my dad who has legal and religious back grounds, he said, “Always shoot first and ask later, but if it’s a zoombie, double tap.” So your totally covered on the hell/jail thing. I got your back, unless you turn into a zombie, then it’s double tap, cause daddy said so.

  26. i suppose if you have another person in the room with you at night, and the zombies attach, the other person could pick up the table base and turn the exposed nail side toward the zombies. I think if i were a zombie and i caught a glimpse of my own reflection, i would totally turn and run in the opposite direction. Because, let’s face it, that is not a good look for ANYONE. (and in the picture, the base looks reflective like a mirror). PLUS, that other person could bang the exposed nail into the zombie’s head (or whatever).

    I am not well-schooled on zombies. i just thought i should admit that now before people start picking on my total lack of zombie-eruditeness/scholarshippyness…

  27. I don’t need a transformer table, which clearly makes the job easier for zombies. There’s a sword and shield right NEXT TO my beside table. This way I can ward off zombie attacks without worrying about a nail skewering my heel.

  28. Jesus, I just sent this to my Mother-in-law for her birthday. ANOTHER reason for her to hate me.

  29. “You just became the orange” – love this line! I plan on working it into my regular vocab. , whether or not the person I’m talking to knows what I’m saying.
    A post from you without the word “asshole” in it is like a day without sunshine – so glad “asshole” made it into this post, even if you’re not referring to Victor this time. No offense to your Hubz, but I crack up every time you use my favorite Bloggess word towards him.
    Rock on, Zombie Warrior!

  30. Um, ok…I’m just wondering when a club and shield became weapon of choice in a zombie attack. That won’t stop zombies. If you cut off their legs they still crawl after you. Everybody knows that you have to take the heads off, and you can’t do that with a flimsy club and shield. Talk about a false sense of security.

    I too will stick with the knife under my mattress.

  31. Also? Where am I supposed to put the empty liquor bottles?

    What?

    Please tell me I am not the only one who has a nightstand littered with liquor bottles. No?
    .-= cagey´s last blog ..Raging Arizona. =-.

  32. “…blood pouring from your shoe…”? I had no idea Texans wore shoes to bed. I swear I thought you guys always slept in boots.

  33. Seriously, in paragraph one you have the person stepping on a nail and embedding it in their foot. In the following paragraph you have said person with blood coming out of their shoe. Clearly there is a gap in the story. Who edited this piece? A zombie? Victor? Wait…is Victor a zombie blog editor? You’re going to have to come clean with answers to all of these questions. We, your loyal readers, have a right to know!

  34. I totally agree! What the hell were they thinking, with a sharp point still sticking out like that? I mean, really. And do you have to unscrew the table/shield from the club/leg? That allows some serious time for zombie attacks.

    Very poor designing.
    .-= Kendahl´s last blog ..DigitalRoom.com Cards Giveaway! =-.

  35. Well obviously you would fight off all the zombies first in your bare feet but before you actually wandered outside to look for other survivors you’d put on your shoes and probably stick a sandwich in your pocket because God knows if a Burger King is going to be open. Honestly, it’s like you people haven’t even thought this through.

  36. I’m sitting in this old farmhouse and I think my only chance of survival is to get to the damn truck and re-fuel OR get a hold of this zombie armor you speak of…WHERE IS JOHNNY!?!
    .-= SumSum´s last blog ..Random Tuesdays…I’m in! =-.

  37. I have the walls of my home insulated with KFC Double Downs, it’s like friggin’ zombie kryptonite.
    .-= furiousball´s last blog ..Girl seen in tire swing =-.

  38. Haven’t thought this through? Please, I always try to keep “The Zombie Survival Guide” with me at all times. Same goes for my ninja handbook. True story.
    .-= Katie´s last blog ..In Creative Writing =-.

  39. I am pretty fucking sure that when faced with dire circumstances you would not be charged with murder… and if I am NOT mistaken, once dead – the zombies would have turned the person anyway, and after that – well there is no way to prove they weren’t a Zombie BEFORE you generously blew their head of… now is there!
    Also – I agree that Amish Zombies make horrible furniture for defending yourself against them.
    That’s why I keep the sawed off under my pillow – NO freaking way zombie furniture is gonna get me killed.
    Also – you are a ROCK star! ;)
    .-= Elizabeth´s last blog ..Sadness and Grief =-.

  40. I don’t know, Jenny, it looks more like a screw than a nail and I’ve stepped on screws and while painful, they don’t actually pierce your skin. And if you’re fighting off zombies than your adrenaline is all going anyway and you won’t even feel it. You’ll be all hyped up on zombie killing power.

    On the other hand, if my eyes deceive me and it IS a nail… you’ve got got yourself a third weapon. Cuz you could totally step on it, have it stick in your foot, which you won’t feel due to the aforementioned adrenaline and should you lose the bat at some point you can just lift up your foot, grab the base and BOO-YAH!! zombie decapitating flying disc. It’s like a frisbee, but leathal. To zombies.
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..I guess I should say SOMETHING… =-.

  41. I bet those Gideon assholes are involved in the Biblical zombie cover-up. I mean, seriously…those fuckers are smart. They always figure out where I’m traveling and sneak in my hotel room before I get there and stash a Bible in a drawer in my room. I’ll be looking for a phone book or a pen and that’s how I usually discover the evidence of their room invasion. Although when I was in Cleveland last month I never found a Bible. So perhaps I’ve figured out some method of eluding their eternal gaze. Or they’ve just given up on me. Good riddance!

  42. Wait. Doesn’t a riot gun shoot beanbags? Will beanbags really stop impendening invasion by zombie hordes?
    .-= thepsychobabble´s last blog ..10 year plan =-.

  43. Having spent the last three days fighting my way through zombie infested Northern England, I can assure you that the armour in question would not have been very efficient in despatching the beasts. It is much better to throw books at them as you are driving your horses at full speed. The shield may be useful for protecting your gown from the spattered zombie brain, though.
    .-= Mary Wollstonecraft´s last blog ..Portraits =-.

  44. ‘I haven’t gotten to the zombie part in the Bible yet.’

    Awesome.

  45. Zombies aren’t getting across my spike and acid filled moat…
    .-= lanned´s last blog ..Procrastination sucks balls =-.

  46. But you do know that gun fire draws them like a dinner bell right?
    .-= lanned´s last blog ..Procrastination sucks balls =-.

  47. I don’t know…I think you guys need to stop pooh-poohing this zombie table. It really is a stylish piece of furniture that can hold several cocktails and decorative knick-knacks. Let’s all just order them to be on the safe side, but still sleep with large machetes under the bed (those are also useful against the evil leprachauns).
    .-= angela´s last blog ..Picks of the Week…the Drugstore Edition =-.

  48. Once, when driving home from the hospital a year or so ago, I saw a tree-doctor truck. And in the bed of this truck there was a device shrouded in holy light. It was a small chainsaw, mounted on the end of about a 6-foot pole, meant for cutting off branches and whatnot. I feel this is the best zombie-fighting tool of all, and have claimed it as my own. It’s gas-powered, and the starter-pull is enclosed in the handle. Imagine… all the zombies are trying to get at you… piling up against the door that you can’t quite get shut because of their protruding arms. You can’t fire a gun, because you’d have to open the door. You can’t swing a bat, because it’s too close. But you *can* poke a chainsaw-on-a-stick through the opening and fuck up some heads. Awesome.
    .-= Val´s last blog ..Doldrums. =-.

  49. the only way that contraption *might* work is to let the zombie step on the giant protruding nail. still, chances are the zombie wins this time.
    .-= Simone´s last blog ..How do you know when you’re trying too hard to be a coolass mutherfucker? =-.

  50. Also – ALSO! If this was REALLY an anti-zombie table, the leg would be a gun, like Rose McGowan’s leg in that one movie I totally didn’t see. But I bet she killed a whole fuckload of zombies with it. And probably a few zombie sympathizers, Mel Gibson. But I digress. When in the piss-soaked hell have you ever seen a zombie horde get beaten back with a weak-ass Louisville Slugger knock-off bat and a lame-o shield that looks like it came from the “Legend of Zelda” toys catalogue? AND! You KNOW after a week you’d just be hanging your shower towel and panty hose off the rungs underneath the table, so now not only is the table not protecting you from zombies, it’s protecting you from getting laid, too.
    .-= Nathan´s last blog ..The Challenge =-.

  51. You know what armor would be handy for the zombpocalypse? Those mesh suits that are shark bite proof, the kind they wear when they go in the water with the sharks to film them because they’re batshit insane. BITE PROOF, GUYS.
    .-= vevice´s last blog ..Dear Self, =-.

  52. Wouldn’t it be MORE sensible if the table’s base were heavy and had a hole IN it, so when you unscrew your little bat and shield there’s a little pointy bit at the end of your bad that you can use for poking/gouging the survivors who will ultimately go hysterical and will be grabbing onto you while you’re just trying to save their lives because WHO KNOWS if you’re going to live through this because UH HELLO THIS IS A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE and you might as well score some brownie points with Jesus, that way when you have to pass the written exam to get into Heaven your hands will still have zombie blood as you fill in the question that asks “Why do you think you deserve to go to heaven?” and you can smear your hand across the answer and you can just write over it “Because I saved 50 people, duh. Asshole.”

    Though I don’t know who grades the tests up there so you might not want to say “duh” or “asshole.”
    .-= Rook´s last blog ..All About Knowledge – Boobquake: Showing your boobs for science! =-.

  53. How about what happens when you step on the damn nail and it gets embedded in your foot and you’re left dragging it behind you in, you guessed it, zombie fashion causing the other zombies to think you’re kind of cute and make untoward zombie advances at you which let’s face it, we really don’t want to even think about.

    Ain’t enough zombie defense furniture in the world to handle that scenario my friend.
    .-= zenmomma´s last blog ..The Journey of a Lifetime =-.

  54. @Katie “*I am in fact referring to zombies even though it sounds like I’m talking about anyone associated with Fox news.” – awesome!!

  55. This is definitely not practical at all. Like someone else mentioned, the last thing I want to do is attempt to club a zombie to death when they’re trying to attack me. Money would definitely be better spent on a nice gun that can be stored in your regular nightstand.

    However, I’m in the “Jesus was a zombie so zombies are probably his true chosen people and you’re gonna burn in hell should you kill one” camp.
    .-= Tiffany´s last blog ..Start the Jew Jokes Now =-.

  56. This is a perfectly normal topic of conversation, I just told my husband (Victor II). Zombies–the new weather.

  57. I don’t know, I think it would be useful for tripping the zombies themselves. Maybe when the leg comes off, it should expose a guidewire attached to the nail that you can pull across the room.
    .-= Bridget´s last blog ..Sometimes it feels good to know my people were all over in Europe when this happened, eating potatoes and making pierogis. =-.

  58. wait! My blood isn’t citrusy! Is it supposed to be?
    *long pause*
    Jenny… how do you know that body juice smells citrusy? Should I be afraid of you? How can I decide if I can ever trust your answer to that question…. *throws clementines in the opposite direction and runs er… stumbles away.* :)
    My partner would want multiples of that table, but only with the shotgun mod.
    The concept is good but it needs to be redesigned. Even if they are giant screws rather than nails. I don’t want to take 5 mins to unscrew my table when I could grab the guns from a rack over the headboard. Yeah, that’s a much better plan. Head broad gun racks.
    .-= Lada´s last blog ..My collar from Kitten Cream – a review =-.

  59. Damn. If this was going to be a useful product, there would be a metal bat that had the “nails” (or screws, etc.) on it, not the shield and the stand. and there would be a wrist loop to help you keep from dropping the bat. Sheesh. You’d think they didn’t take this very seriously when they designed it. I bet it’s made of cheap plastic, or flimsy wood.

    And for everyone that mentioned guns… Guns run out of ammo, bats/clubs do not. Also, the gunshot sound will simply attract more zombies, meaning you’ll need to reload faster, and use your ammo even quicker. Good luck with that.

  60. Would the designer of this table be considered an accessory to murder?

  61. 61
    thinkingtoohard

    I love oranges. Not zombies.

  62. There was a tractor riot in Paris today. Not sure if this is related or not, but I just thought I should warn you in case it spreads.
    .-= Kate´s last blog ..The final countdown =-.

  63. When the Zombies attack, I am taking up residence on the Battleship Texas. THOSE guns ought to blow every Zombie for miles around straight. to. Hell.

    I just need to make sure I have a supply of bullets.

    ~EdT.
    .-= EdT.´s last blog ..Iranian prayer leader not satisfied, demands repeat of BoobQuake =-.

  64. *sigh* well obviously they don’t intend on you to step on it. And the reason being is because what they expect you to do is this…(this could not be shown because of their serious lack in zombies presence. And Stupidity.)

    Upon hearing zombie mumbling in your house proceed to…

    Step one: Jump up and slide your arm through the arm holders..

    Step Two: quickly unscrew the BOTTOM (which is obviously the base of your night stand) and proceed to throw (nail side forward) at zombie’s head [once they enter your bedroom] )

    Step Three: After this is done, if the screw has not penetrated the zombies head, unscrew the bat and proceed to attack the zombie in the head with your bat.

    Step Four: Run like hell. (and try not to get eaten)

    Obviously this is an Excellent design..

    The only error here is they forgot to picture a step.

    And you’re very welcome.
    :D
    .-= Rebekah Mae´s last blog ..Rebekah, Don’t let the chicken Defeat you. =-.

  65. I’m really tired, and it’s been a really long couple days…My exhausted brain is trying to piece together the orange bit.

    You’re the orange because now you’re bleeding and zombies that didn’t want you before (doest that ever happen?) smell you and now you smell soooo delicious that although they weren’t hungry before, they’re hungry now?

    Did I get it right?

    And, if you present yourself on a platter, because you just impaled yourself on one with your foot, wouldn’t you ALREADY be too irresistible?

    Really, normally I’m much quicker than this.
    .-= Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points´s last blog ..This is Only a Test. There may or may not be Awesome here. =-.

  66. Is it a bad thing that my vibrator in the bedside table could double as a zombie taser?
    .-= LadyV´s last blog ..Eat at home doesn’t mean eat crap? =-.

  67. OH, FOR GOD’S SAKE! You can’t, I repeat CAN’T kill a zombie by bludgeoning it to death! You need to decapitate it or destroy it’s brain. All this little item is going to do is piss them off.

    A brief narrative:

    *low mumbling rousing you from sleep* “braiiins, brrains, braaaiiinnnsssss”
    Like a groggy flash you’re up and disassembling your zombie defense bedside table. You hear banging, but thier rotting minds can’t grasp the concept of locks and how to circumvent them. You unscrew the club/leg from the base and shove base under bed (to prevent impalement of foot), while listening to dragging footsteps on roof (damn zombie sense of smell). You unscrew shield from base and slide shield onto arm dragging bare arm across exposed screw releasing the sweet citrusy scent of blood into the air. You waste precious time swearing before putting on shoes. A thud is heard in the direction of the fireplace as the zombies make use of the zombie hole. Fortunately the first few slide down head first and land on their heads crushing their brains and killing them while plugging up that hazard. The door gives out with a groan as zombies flood the house. You are surrounded waving a short club and wielding a tiny wood shield on your bloody arm. “brrains, braiiins, brraiiinns” They mumble. You manage to clock a few on the face or head. “BRAINS! BRAINS! BRAINS!” They scream as they rip you apart.

    I’m sorry to say that the end wasn’t pretty, you would have been better off with a damn helmet.

  68. I don’t think my insurance covers shot-with-twelve-gauge caused by proximity-to-zombie complicated by night-stand-impaled-on-foot due to poorly-thought-out-undead-defense-measures.

    I better not get one then, I guess.
    .-= Curiosity´s last blog ..Victory =-.

  69. I agree what idiots leaves something you can step on that will make you bleed everywhere.
    .-= Bobbi Janay@When did I go from a kid to a grown up?´s last blog ..Sneak Peak =-.

  70. Just think how incredible your pearls of zombie wisdom would be if you had an energy drink IV. I think this is the way to go as we need some no-shit, in your face, harden up princess, zombie info to survive the next apocalypse.
    .-= Rusty Hoe´s last blog ..Precious Things =-.

  71. Thank GOD I saw this post …. I would have never seen that design flaw until it was too late. I would have been the one you shot. I would have forgiven you though – I think that’s in the zombie section of the bible … “thou shalt forgive the zombie warrior bloggess if she accidentally pity shoots you.”

    So … thanks! You’re awesome!
    .-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Boobquake, Ginger Ice Cream and the Catholic Church =-.

  72. Zombie Amish would explain those heaters that look like fake fireplaces made by the Amish. Come to think of it, zombie Amish also explain Weird Al’s Amish Paradise video.
    .-= Condo Blues´s last blog ..Zestra Natural Nookie Giveaway! =-.

  73. Thanks for doing the due diligence of checking this shit out for the rest of this. I am crossing this item off my list. And yeah, like someone mentioned above? I firstly though the fatal flaw was the giant nail pointing at your chest. Also, what do you do about all the crap that’s resting on the table? More stuff to step on. That would be my lamp, my iPhone and charger, the baby wipe warmer I no longer use and my dead aunt’s ornate Victorian-styled lamp. Am I just supposed to swipe all that stuff to the floor before unscrewing the table top/shield? Now that I type all this, I think I seriously need to rethink my zombies-attack-in-the-middle-of-the-night plan.
    .-= Heretic Mama´s last blog ..Hola =-.

  74. O Jenny, Jenny O
    That rhymes with Kenny—NO!
    I am thinking that it is a little scary that I can follow all of the blog posts of yours that I have read… and they leave me weird in the head. Seriously, I agree with the NRA on this one. Step one foot over the threshhold of my house, you zombie farter, and I will fill your head with lead. And then you’ll be sorry cause then you’ll really be dead…but how can you really kill a zombie? They’re already dead. I guess after I ran out of shotgun shells, I would throw the shotgun at them (unfortunately I throw like a girl) and then run like hell. YOU, my dear Jenny, are THE Rock Star ;) Thanks for the follow oin twitter, btw! Almost peed my britches when I got that notification. Keep on bloggin and bitchin. LOVE IT.
    .-= jtcricket´s last blog ..….but above all: =-.

  75. you complete me
    .-= Paula´s last blog ..No crayons for you! =-.

  76. You can use the base as a zombie impeder. Position yourself behind the spiky base and lure the zombie so that IT steps on the nail/screw at which point it will start going round in circles, thereby increasing your chances of beating its head in with your club/table leg.
    .-= cathy´s last blog ..Too Irate to Celebrate. =-.

  77. what if you attach the nail to the bottom of the bat and open a hole in the floor? You could enjoy your nice melee weapon and survive because your stupid neighbor won’t have a reason to shoot you.

  78. I wish my blood smelled like oranges. I like oranges. Good source of vitamin C.

    Zombies can be fun…if they are the ones from Shaun of the Dead. Otherwise, you need chain mail, lot’s of bullets and heavy, blunt instruments to defend yourself against them. That table isn’t going to do shit but make you lose precious time trying to get away from the zombies and save your family from having their brains eaten.

    You know some 40 year old video game geek thought this up while living in his parents basement, fantasizing that his blow up doll would come to life and praying he could actually get his cherry popped by something with a pulse. And no fur.
    .-= Shan @ Last Shreds Of Sanity´s last blog ..Every Morning After I Open My Eyes…: MomDot’s Small Talk Six =-.

  79. is it ok that i’m falling madly in love with you.. more and more with every blog post?

  80. My furniture is so BORING.
    .-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..I haiku, don’t you? =-.

  81. @Veronica Thomas I totally have photographic evidence that illiterate zombies around where I live took over the local FOX station. Crazy right? I totally thought they did that years ago. I’m not sure what to think of Glenn Beck now that I know he’s not a zombie. I had no other explanation for his crazy. MSNBC though, totally run by the undead. Chris Matthews and Edward Cullen ::gag:: are tight. Oh, and Nancy Grace is a boggart.
    .-= Katie´s last blog ..In Creative Writing =-.

  82. You’re totally spot-on with the flaw in the design of this.

    Because the ONLY other thing worse than being torn apart and eaten by zombies is having to get a Tetanus shot.
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..The Talk – a Mental Poo ‘After School’ Special =-.

  83. Yeah…No. I’m just going to continue sleeping with a chainsaw under my bed. Also, there’s a surprise twist in the Bible. Turns out *Jesus* is a zombie. Yeah…that’s why we have Easter.

  84. I’m so forwarding this to my husband. We’ve been preparing for the zombie apocolypse for quite some time and I wouldn’t want him to get suckered into buying the Death-To-Zombie nightstand without knowing its fatal flaw.
    .-= Alex´s last blog ..Arizona, You Missed An Opportunity =-.

  85. Wow thanks for the review. I was just checking out on Amazon and their reviews of this product are much less helpful. I had three in my cart so that I’ll be prepared for the impending zombie attack but screw that, they can keep their cheap ass tables I’ll build a trap door. Of course with my luck I’ll fall into the trap door and be eaten by alligators because I’m going to have 4 of them just in case. Like a boy scout “always be prepared”!

  86. If you ever feel the need to kill some zombies a safer way, go to this website ? http://www.dailyhaha.com/_flash/flaming-zombooka.htm

  87. 87
    diamondcait

    Not only would I step on the nail on the base, and then leave a trail of blood leading zombies to me, I would probably bash myself in the head with the OTHER exposed nail while fending off the hungry swarms. I’m sticking with my cricket bat, thank you. It has a proven track record, as seen in Shaun of the Dead, plus mine has a wrist strap. However, mine comes in patriotic red, white and blue. Take that, foreign zombies! Wolverines!

  88. As a woman who lays awake in night, fearing the entrance of a vicious rapist into my home, I think I NEED this. The intruder will think I’m reaching over to my nightstand to get a Tic Tac when I – BAM – whack their head with the bat and defend their blows with my shield! And you’d better believe I’m knocking them down right into that fatal flaw on the floor.

    Get out my Amex card…

  89. In my town we have like the Walmart of Zombie Needs General Store. They sell everything you could imagine to fend them off.

    ANY kind of tequila, soft serve, hot dogs, napkins and get this…guns of every fucking kind you could ever want.

    Come on in and get your kettle chips and .50 caliber amunition while you kid has a slushie.

    Totally awesome store.
    .-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..Half Full. Half Bald… eh Bygones. =-.

  90. So “build a better mousetrap” (which really, who uses those anymore anyway – and the worst ones are the chemical ones that melt mousey feet which is totally bullshit even though I’m not on PETA’s mailing list – anymore) becomes “build a better zombie defense table.” Is it wrong that I’ve already started drawing some prototypes?

  91. Using a child-sized baseball bat seems like an ineffective way of protecting yourself from a zombie anyway, unless you’re fighting a child-size zombie. And if the zombie is in fact, a child zombie, then you shouldn’t kill it at all. You should adopt it and raise it as your own child and then it will be loyal to you and will protect you during the next zombie apocalypse. They’ll probably avoid your house completely because they’ll know your zombie child lives there. Because what kind of zombies would attack another zombie’s mother? Asshole zombies, that’s who.
    .-= EvilSlutClique´s last blog ..Timeline of Your Relationship =-.

  92. I can only remember 2 zombies in the bible, Lazarus and Jesus.
    I am pretty sure you would want to be nice to those guys…

  93. I just stumbled upon your blog from somewhere and found that it’s utterly amazing. Really, hats off to you!

    I can’t stop rolling on my floor reading your posts…lol…zombies…

    .-= Dk´s last blog ..A Letter from a Son to a Father… =-.

  94. Do you glue the bedside lamp, clock and box of tissues to the table or do you just knock them all on the floor when the battle starts?
    .-= Cedarflame´s last blog ..First I kill the bunny, then I come for you…big girl. =-.

  95. A member of my extended family has THE PERFECT WEAPON AGAINST ZOMBIE ATTACKS. The SBD’s. No zombie is safe with his SBD’s. After a meal loaded with gastronomical delights, he throws the covers over his wife’s head and says, “If you love me, you won’t struggle!”
    .-= rogueartistsspeak´s last blog .."HEY! WHAT’S IN HERE??" the street thief asked. =-.

  96. I had NO idea there was zombie attack furniture. I learn the best stuff from you, Jenny.

    This is THE. MOST. INFORMATIVE. BLOG. EVER.

    BTW – too many energy drinks might explain the insomniac post before this one. Just a thought.
    .-= Kernut´s last blog ..Drinking and Smoking: My Childhood Memories =-.

  97. So, i am assuming you just pull it apart. Because when i wake up out of a dead sleep my coordination is ten times worse then it is normally. So having to unscrew shit and all that is not going to happen. And i am almost positive i would impaled myself on that little metal spike for sure also!!!
    .-= Crystal´s last blog ..Robert Downey Jr. Makes me scream like a girl. =-.

  98. The arms in those demo photos look they have already been hacked off, so I’m not sure of the effectiveness of this product.
    .-= Mr. Paul Maul´s last blog ..ONE-LINE RAVE REVIEW OF A MOVIE I HAVEN’T SEEN #5 – A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET =-.

  99. Shields are for pussies. Give me a couple of golf clubs and crank up the music.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..The story of my life: Year one =-.

  100. First of all let me say that I just regained conciseness. I’ve been passed out since I laid eyes on your picture from yesterday. Very nice although when I passed out my head hit the keyboard and now I have little square indentions on my head. Gee. Thanks for that.

    Now, everyone knows that zombies don’t walk fast enough to stub their toe on the fatal table flaw and prolly wouldn’t even care if they DID stub their toe. Unless of course they come ripping across the living room like 28 Days Later. In that case who the fuck has time to disassemble a fucking table??

    Excuse me. I’m going to check the riot gun strapped to my chimney.
    .-= Fivehead´s last blog ..Why toenail flavored mittens help the economy! Or..A Monkey with a Leaf. =-.

  101. Is it fucking too much to ask to keep a switchblade under your pillow? If you don’t hear the groaning and breaking boards, you might still be asleep. Before you know it, the zombies are on top of you, and you don’t have time to go dismantle your Ikea Zombkla nightstand before they eat your brains.

    It’s called “being prepared.”

    Some people are just slaves to advertising.
    .-= Sarah p´s last blog ..Mish-mash and flash, possibly NSFW =-.

  102. There are zombies………… everywhere. Take a look at this. As soon as I saw it, I so thought of you! This soon to be zombie is on a motorcycle…. freaky shit.

    http://www.dlisted.com/node/37062

  103. If zombies are at your house, they’re probably just as hungry and at the Burger King too. Obvs. The sandwich in the pocket idea is good, but I prefer jello.
    .-= katie´s last blog ..Wedding planning: small-town simple =-.

  104. How hard would it be to get a zombie to touch my boobs? I mean, yes, I’d risk being bitten and turning into one of them (one of us! one of us!) but, on the other hand, in movies they always seem exceptionally strong and, well, a teensy bit sexy.

    Damn niche porn has ruined me for life.
    .-= Fuck Yeah, Motherhood!´s last blog ..Somewhere In Our Double Helix Is The Inability To Walk Away From A Poop Joke =-.

  105. Everyone knows the only way to kill a zombie, or ANY boogeyman, mad man, etc is to CUT IT’S HEAD OFF!
    .-= Holly B´s last blog ..Magic Wand – I Can Has One Please? =-.

  106. Holy Shit. I am one hundred persent glad someone else is just as scared and just as critical of Zombies, and the ways in which we prepare for the attack. Thank you, sincerely for this thoughtful analysis. I would have bought one of those straight away, because I’m frightened if I buy a gun it’ll only further the chance of the Zombie Apocalypse occuring, rather than protecting me. One of those guns cause more household accidents sort of theories. But I’m not going to buy this either. I am going to hire a ninja.
    Thankyou Thankyou Thankyou. xxx

  107. jenny, thank you for this warning. after reading i had to shut and lock my sliding glass door because i thought i heard something outside (zombie sneak attack. fuckers.) or im really hot and hallucinating hence shutting the door will prolly [teenage speak] make me think the zombie torture table is a good idea… i can’t decide which, but either way i’m totally fucked. please send grover cleveland i saw he has a gun (and cards we can play cribbage while we wait… oooh fun) maybe he has a silver bullet. fuck that’s werewolves… this may be my last comment. not because i dont love you but because im dead. just clarifying.

    i cant get my last blog to post but i do have one.

  108. Why reinvent the wheel? A good sharpened stake works against all members of the undead.
    .-= Essie´s last blog ..The Legend of the Loch Ness Worm: even less scary than the original AND the copy =-.

  109. Even worse hazard scenario: You get bitten by one of the zombies, and as you are transforming, you fall on the nail, and it drives into your skull, destroying your brain, meaning you aren’t even a successful zombie. It just doesn’t get any lower than that.
    .-= middle-aged-woman´s last blog ..New Toy =-.

  110. You know if you’d just check the definitive guide on zombies, The Night of the Living Dead, you’d know that this furniture sucks. Ann’s been trying to tell you you’ve gotta nuke their brains. Also, if you recall, the dude made it all the way to the end, then got shot in the head by the deputy in the end. If it was murder, they wouldn’t have stopped the movie at that point – the deputy would have been in TROUBLE.
    .-= Plano Mom´s last blog ..High Blood Pressure =-.

  111. This table set was created by zombies. That nail is the silly straw for them to suck your brains out.
    .-= LookieLou´s last blog ..Lilly Pulitzer Barnum Crackers for Benefit of Tiger Conservation =-.

  112. Frankly, I’m glad it is flawed. I always find matching bed side tables too matchy matchy, and it this thing worked I would have had to be all, “which one of us gets the zombie protecting side table?” I mean, my husband should want to protect ME, yet I am closer to THE DOOR. But would the zombie enter FROM THE DOOR OR THE WINDOW? Now such questions are simply off the table and my decor remains intact!
    Paula
    http://www.adhocmom.com
    .-= adhocmom´s last blog ..Yo Stonyfield Farms! I am Going SO Jamie Oliver On Your Ass! =-.

  113. So. MUCH. WIN.

  114. That design is totally flawed!

    I am not sure if you will read this or not (not sure if you read all of your comments). I normally do not do this but my friend is trying to raise some money. Maybe you can check out this drawing she did? If you like it maybe post it? Or not…whatever you want. I just thought if more people saw it maybe more of a chance it would sell. Thanks! Love your blog :).

    <a href=http://www.etsy.com/listing/45792908/sleeping-sweetie-original-pencil-drawing
    .-= Caitlyn´s last blog ..Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. =-.

  115. I’m totally with those who pointed out that Jesus has got to be pro-zombie. Not only did he create at least one zombie (Lazarus), but he became one himself! It’s in the Bible. True story.

    Thanks to you, I now know what my hubby’s purpose in life is… creating furniture that turns into defense against zombies! Truly, it will be his life calling. I will go tell him now, and I’m sure I’ll be rewarded over the rest of my life with survivalist tables and chairs. I wonder what he’ll come up with for the kids’ rooms…
    .-= caramama´s last blog ..Help Me, Internets! I’ve Been Oblivious! =-.

  116. My question is what is the world going to be like when it is over-run with zombies??? Are they going to be PC?? Will they work on wall street and fuck up their economy??? Will they have tattoos and ride Harleys? Will they drink mimosa’s for brunch?? What happens when EVERYONE is a zombie? Will they eat eachother?? I am so confused… maybe we should focus on this for a moment… just sayin…
    .-= Malskeys´s last blog ..Definitions =-.

  117. I love you.

  118. Hella funny. My 1st time here and I’m already loving it.

  119. You don’t need anything like that anyway if you’re properly fortified.
    .-= Keely´s last blog ..Resurrecting abysmal fashion trends since 2003 =-.

  120. Why can’t we all just build our house’s out of the shit airplane black boxes are made out of. Indestructible right? Something smells like an airline conspiracy that basically *wants* us to be eaten by zombies. Because everybody knows zombies love flying on airplanes. It’s a bullshit business strategy.
    .-= Grant ´s last blog ..Chapter 2- Tuesday =-.

  121. Totally off topic here but I ran across this today and YOU, only you, came to mind. http://www.madblast.com/funny/1493_penis-song.html

    Enjoy! *snicker*
    Momma
    .-= Momma´s last blog ..MommasCrap: RT @Iconic88: Tweet people how you want to be tweeted. =-.

  122. This book is a must read – if you don’t want to be eaten!!! =]

    http://www.thinkgeek.com/books/humor/7838/

    .-= Holly B´s last blog ..YEAHY FOR MAY ! ! =-.

  123. [...] weekly wrap-up of shit I was doing when I wasn’t here causing boobquakes, pointing out zombie furniture design flaws and being taken far too [...]

  124. [...] And finally, The Bloggess tells you that your zombie armor is ALL WRONG. [...]

  125. So, I showed hubby your post and excitedly told him about how I’d found his calling in life (as stated in my previous comment)… and he said that there wasn’t any need for furniture that turned into zombie-fighting/defending gear. Just a shotgun under the bed, which would take care of everything from intruders to zombies. I don’t know why he thinks that’s more practical, since there is no room under the bed for a shotgun. Plus, I don’t know how to shoot one. I do know how to hit something with a bat, though.
    .-= caramama´s last blog ..Question of the Week – Monster Mash =-.

  126. [...] got a good laugh from this post over at the Bloggess, but come on, what post of Jenny’s doesn’t crack me [...]

  127. [...] chose : une table stable pour tous les jours, une panoplie pour la chasse aux zombies. Bien que la Bloggess fustige le socle de la table de nuit – elle estime risquer de marcher dessus en pleine nuit – je note [...]

  128. How do you tell a zombie from a mummy? This sounds like a joke, but it is not. I’m thinking if you are designing anti-zombie furniture you could do something about the goddamn mummies. We have them in our basement and between that and the crickets they make a real racket sometimes.

  129. [...] French and I’m fairly sure it says “Bitch, if you’re too uncoordinated to not get stabbed by a fucking table then you probably don’t even deserve to live through the zombie apocolypse.”  Touché, [...]

  130. One could be well-served by a great friend who thinks of you often.
    .-= subWOW´s last blog ..WTF Wednesday: There, I fixed it (A Pictogram) =-.

  131. [...] de nuit anti-zombie. Je me moquais d’elle parce que j’estimais que si on n’est pas capable de coordonner démontage et dégagement des surfaces planes, on ne méritait pas de survivre à Z [...]

  132. [...] The Bloggess This entry was posted in Creativity, Design, Fun, Gadgets, Home and tagged Creativity, Design, [...]

  133. [...] we shouldn’t try to create new life just yet. At least, not until we come up with something better than this to fight off zombies. A giant TV perhaps, to lull the brain into complacency and stagnation? What [...]

  134. [...] p.s.  Do Zombies get sunburned if they walk about in the day time?  Just wondering…I bet The Bloggess knows…she’s  hip to Zombie culture [...]

  135. I keep coming back to this and I keep thinking the design flaw is that the zombie will squish-hug you and perforate your chest and heart with that effing giant nail…..

    Or s/he’ll just smash you against the wall and do the same thing……..

  136. [...] I’m inviting The Bloggess to Ridgway, because she’s our only hope.  Well, her and Mr. [...]

  137. [...] attack us?  I for one do not want to be caught unaware when they do attack so I’ve taken to The Bloggess for advice in being prepared for a zombie attack.  Also, the CDC is on this very important issue. [...]

  138. In my day zombies didn’t run, they walked. Uphill, in the snow. They ate what brains they could find, & they liked it.

  139. Ok, really? has no one noticed this yet? THAT ISN’T A NAIL! it’s called a peg, beveled edges, doesn’t pierce the foot unless your REALLY dim, even when frightened… however it WILL hurt like a sun of a bitch when you step on it and good luck running after that anyway…

    It’s an ok “plan” but there are so many smarter things you can do… such as just keep a baseball bat next to your bed…

  140. 142
    Lady Penelope

    ~ and *that’s* the reason my ‘Victor’ has the side of the bed nearest the door.
    He is my cannon fodder.
    My sacrificial lamb to the zombie slaughter.
    That’s right, my pretty pretty, off to sleep now …

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  1. Good Reads May 7, 2010

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