Nancy W. Kappes (paralegal) is ALIVE.

You remember Nancy W. Kappes (paralegal), right?  If you don’t you need to go here and catch up. Back?  Awesome. Well, she was MIA for a long time due to I’ll-let-her-tell-it but she’s alive, and it feels selfish to keep that kind of news to myself.  The latest from Nancy (who I’m fairly certain wrote this in the hospital on morphine while recovering from surgery.  True story. That’s fucking dedication, y’all):

MEA MAXIMA CULPA. Yes, Jennikins, I fucked up once again. As a sage once said, “I want to go to the very bottom and come back and write about it.” Yes, I went that far and by all that is holy and Christ in a rowboat, sweetie, can I be forgiven? Jesus on a stick, I feel like fuck!

Could you somehow let it be known I am back and the reason is I have been waiting on my tickets to the “Maury Povich” show where I will represent Joseph [the Holy Spirit is using a pro bono attorney – dumb ass] in the case of Paternity of one Christ, Jesus. We are going to get this question the fact OVER cause goddamn! this Baby Daddy question needs an answer once and for fucking all. It will be the Ultimate Consummate Baby Daddy Show Ever. Jeez. And if you think getting a fucking dove to stick out his tongue for a swab is easy, lemme enlighten you.

Okay, well I am back on the methadone which is lovely with brandy, along with the regulars so if you have nothing else to do [like waxing your driveway] give me a shout. I’ll be here all week and try the shrimp scampi. Plus it’s only 12:30 here. Gawd in the good old days we’d be high as a kite and trying to properly dress for the night’s debauchery.

HA! Just read about the Cleavage Day, but, Jesus Christ, move to town and take the paper.

My Trail Mix runneth over.

Nancy W. Kappes  (Now known as…fuck, I don’t know…”Larry”?)

Happy NWK Week, motherfuckers.  And in entirely unrelated news…the weekly wrap-up of shit I was doing when I wasn’t here causing boobquakes, pointing out zombie furniture design flaws and being taken far too seriously.

    This week on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche-canoe):

    This week on the internets:

    • I was on front page of AVN for 10 minutes, which is apparently a big deal (link is so, so, so NSFW) and also got a small shout out on Woman’s Day Magazine and The Daily Beast.  I honestly don’t even know which one of these is more baffling.

    This week on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

    This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

    This week’s wrap-up sponsored by…nobody.  Or possibly someone.  I can’t find my notes.  My God, I suck at this. Okay, wait.  This post sponsored by my friend Katherine Center who isn’t actually a sponsor in the slightest but who sits up with me late at night while I read her my convoluted diary and that’s kind of awesome.  Also, she just published “Get Lucky” which is my favorite of all her books.  You should totally buy it.  It smells like clean laundry.

    47 replies. read them below or add one

    1. Oh my god, I love you. And “douche-canoe” is now officially my favorite hyphenated word!
      .-= katherine center´s last blog ..NEW blog at http://www.katherinecenter.com !!! =-.

      Like

    2. I am unable to get past the idea that doves have tongues.
      .-= Bridget Callahan´s last blog ..May 1st, 2010 =-.

      Like

    3. Oh how I missed Nancy.
      .-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Why I can never be a “Belieber” or a Twi-Hard. =-.

      Like

    4. Awreeeeeet! Nancy W. is back from her rehab or coma or extended hiaital hernia or some such disappearance…. All is now right with the world. OK maybe not ‘right’ exactly… Just more reassuring in
      a “Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket” kinda way.

      Like

    5. I kinda like to think that maybe Nancy just writes that way.

      And…

      New entries on List of Important Things:
      343. DON’T get Jenny pissed at me.
      344. Find thicker skin online and purchase just in case I get Jenny pissed at me.

      Anyone know where I could buy some?
      .-= Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points´s last blog ..Oh, we’re off to see the wizard! =-.

      Like

    6. This Nancy makes me smile. 🙂
      .-= Lynsey´s last blog ..on "transitioning" from the crib =-.

      Like

    7. 7
      Cedarflame

      Nancy makes me kind of sad. Is that wrong?

      Like

    8. I think the woman with the giant vagina is wearing that hat so that when she crawls inside her hair won’t get all sticky, don’t you?
      .-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..Why I have the Ultimate Shiv =-.

      Like

    9. Oh, how I missed that dear, sweet, fucked up paralegal. Bless you Jenny, for being her conduit to us once again!
      .-= LadyV´s last blog ..I Got All Excited And Cleaned and Organized =-.

      Like

    10. the woman with the big giant vagina has been spotted… and she has an accessory now…

      http://www.freewilliamsburg.com/archives/2010/04/mccarren_park_t.html
      .-= furiousball´s last blog ..a night of sweaty Scotsmen =-.

      Like

    11. Uh, that Woman’s Day chick called you “crass.” Is that allowed? We could send Nancy over to kick her ass or something. Or send her the link to unicorn man. That’s seered into my brain on so many levels. You’ve given me nightmares…

      hugs,
      Susie
      http://www.motherhoot.blogspot.com
      .-= Susie Kline´s last blog ..I Passed My Test… =-.

      Like

    12. I hope to be as cool as Hailey when I grow up. And p.s. I laughed so hard I nearly fell off my bed while watching Before After.
      .-= Rachel´s last blog ..A taste of Soul of Athens =-.

      Like

    13. I am looking for unique cupcakes to make for a party later this month. The vagina cupcakes, sadly, may not be appropriate. (PS. I love henna; I am so jealous of the lovely artwork your daughter got. I usually end up having my husband try to copy a design from a press-on tattoo that comes with the kit and it ends up looking like crap. That stuff is harder to draw with than it looks!)
      .-= Deana Birks´s last blog ..This picture from the oil spill broke my heart =-.

      Like

    14. Since we’d not heard from Nancy since BlogHer ’09 (I think) I thought she’d been waylaid by some high school girls or sumfin.

      It was Hailey’s smile that finally won the snoots over…
      .-= tokenblogger´s last blog ..I started watching at 4pm local time… =-.

      Like

    15. I want to appreciate your candor. I want to respect your innocent encounter with Kappes’ work (although no resident of modern society over the age of 5 is capable of an encounter that is truly naive and innocent, and even 5 might be generous). The populist in me wants to acknowledge the validity of an experience untainted by paralegal world preconception and pretense. I really want to. But I cant. This post and, more so, this thread are just making me sad. I love Nancy W. Kappes’ work. I don’t love the woman. I don’t love the women (with an emphasis on momchismo) of mid/late 20th century feminimalism. But I love a lot of their work. I enjoy the precision of Kappes’ legal forms. I enjoy their scale and the way that they often make me feel neither too small nor too large. I enjoy the richness of the materials.

      It makes me sad to witness this stream of people ridiculing something simply because they don’t find it appealing. Is it so hard to approach new things with an curious mind? If you don’t understand (or simply dislike) something, why does it have to be belittled? Must everything conform to your own tastes? And must those tastes never expand and grow?

      I want to respond. I want to correct the inaccuracies proffered above. I want to argue against the mean-spirited and often dangerous logic of debasing things quickly labeled “different” or “foreign”. I want to speak up on behalf of enjoying new and different experiences. But I can’t. The petty part of me wants to ridicule back. To mock a small/simple-mindedness that has only insecure gut driven responses that have unknowingly been formed by the culture/cult of intellectual laziness that permeates our society. But I will give myself only the preceding eighteen pretentious sentences.

      This thread makes me sad. Sad for you. Sad for myself. Sad for Art (not sad for Kappes, she wouldn’t give damn what you think). This Art in particular has always made me happy. A lot of the work at the Dia Bacon more so. It is profoundly saddening to be reminded that most people feel the need to assail the things they don’t immediately understand.

      I’m glad you liked “the bearloves”.
      .-= Russell´s last blog ..Birthday Number Three Means Three Days of Partying. Right? =-.

      Like

    16. Quite relieved to know Nancy is back. Sometimes you don’t realize you think someone is dead (or institutionalized) until you discover they’re not.
      .-= Liz´s last blog ..Boobquake??? =-.

      Like

    17. LET US PRAY! O.k., enough of that crap! I can’t believe there is a person who didn’t know doves have tongues! Not only do they have tongues, but it takes fewer doves to create a culinary delicacy than it does hummingbirds. Can you spell GOOGLE?
      .-= rogueartistsspeak´s last blog ..I"M SO HUMILIATED, I COULD JUST SCREAM!!! =-.

      Like

    18. I’m not sure how to contact you directly or if that is even possible, but I thought you might enjoy this

      http://fuckyeahdementia.com/post/533363525/the-wonderful-naked-furry-family

      Well, maybe not enjoy exactly…

      Like

    19. Oh shit, a velociraptor!

      http://fuckyeahdementia.com/post/526207526

      Gotta stop now…

      Like

    20. Just got home from “Long Long Ago” (otherwise known as Louisiana) … glad to know that it’s NWK week … it’ll be golden, I’m sure … nice welcome home from where they haven’t discovered fake fender vents yet.

      And the Huffington Post had better quit ripping off my story ideas … there were about 3 days late … dopes…
      .-= The Queer Next Door´s last blog ..He’s Pissed! Oh Well…Here Comes the Hurricane, Y’all… =-.

      Like

    21. Jenny, I am sure you have been reading about what is going on in Arizona right now. If you want to read my take on the subject, please check my blog.
      Thanks,
      Judie
      .-= rogueartistsspeak´s last blog ..I"M SO HUMILIATED, I COULD JUST SCREAM!!! =-.

      Like

    22. Just caught up on NWK,P. Her letters about parenting tell me she fucking GETS IT. I really needed her in my life right now. I think she knew that.
      .-= Fuck Yeah, Motherhood!´s last blog ..Who Let The Dogs Out? I Don’t Care. Just Don’t Let Them In. =-.

      Like

    23. Nacny’s story of ‘trail mix’ brought back memories of the birthday a friend asked to see all the party favours he had civeb me earlier in the evening.When he saw the results he cried’ Wait, you don’t have some of every colour yet!’ Good times…
      .-= Boot~C´s last blog ..More Winners =-.

      Like

    24. *given, just when I think I can type…
      .-= Boot~C´s last blog ..More Winners =-.

      Like

    25. So here’s the situation up top the Priests were pretty funny but as usual the clowns creeped me out.
      .-= linlah´s last blog ..hanging by a wire on a ladder =-.

      Like

    26. The boob-quake was scary. What will happen if you wear low pants? A booty-quake?
      .-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..It’s all your fault. =-.

      Like

    27. I thought you moved to Marfa and quit blogging when your site was down this morning. We were organizing a search and recovery mission to Marfa. Thank God all is well.

      Like

    28. Drugs are bad…..m kay.
      .-= mepsipax´s last blog ..Fuck you Hollywood =-.

      Like

    29. It’s good to see NWK, PL back in saddle again! Woman people send you the strangest stuff. Although that unicorn guy…I’ve seen a variation of him at church so I wasn’t shocked at all.
      .-= Jenn´s last blog ..I Saw What He Used To Be =-.

      Like

    30. I am totally laughing at that flowers thing. I may or may not have stomped out an entire flower bed at the hospital where my grandpa was in ICU when I was 11. There was some rule that you had to be 12. I may or may not have given a false name to the cop who saw me. The cop may or may not have had anything better to do but to follow me to my parents car and wait it out. I may or may not have gotten in BIG trouble. My grandpa died btw and I never did get to see him : (
      .-= Lori´s last blog ..Pop Culture has Zero Effect on Me =-.

      Like

    31. Ok, I’ve googled everything i could think of to find out where you’re making the sunday update images with your fave on them. Please tell me where to go!

      thanks!

      Like

    32. I use photofunia.com and picnik.com usually.

      Like

    33. In the last three days, I’ve gotten HUNDREDS of hits to a page on my website. Lo and behold, it’s all because of your mention, Bloggess! Thank you! You should run fer prezident or sumptin, gurl!

      Like

    34. 35
      Heather Greywolf

      Hmmm … perhaps Nancy and her Magic Trail Mix were jointly (no pun intended) responsible for the chicken fondling man on the subway??

      “AssociatedPress — January 28, 2010 — New York City’s transit agency is investigating a video posted online that shows a man kissing and snuggling a live chicken as he lies on the subway train’s floor. Some passengers laughed, while others hustled out of his way. (Jan. 28)”

      Live chicken snuggling on the subway. Hot damn … why doesn’t cool shit like this happen in Boston??

      Like

    35. Get this. I got a gift card from a departing employee and randomly picked up Get Lucky. Simply because it sounded interesting. I finished reading it while on the train and since I wasn’t to my stop yet I read the acknowledgements. When I saw thanks to my friend “Jenny Lawson and Karen Walrond” I’m all “Holy shit, I know them” Well I don’t know you of course. But I know of you. And it kind of felt like we were all family. I then immediately got on Twitter and told the whole world that even though it’s a big huge world it is really a small world when that kind of thing happens.
      I totally loved Get Lucky !
      .-= Stacey´s last blog ..Celebrating Moms – Mother’s Day Giveaway =-.

      Like

    36. Ha! That’s kind of hysterical because my copy of Get Lucky is an advance copy and so it doesn’t even have the acknowledgements in it. Now I’m going to have to buy a real copy to see what it says. Oh Katherine Center…you are so crafty…

      Like

    37. idea: compile Nancy’s complete oeuvre and see that it is performed as a solo-show. If not by Nancy herself – which, though problematic has the potential to be awesome- than perhaps Helen Mirren. To attract a diverse crowd. Or something.

      Like

    38. Yeah! Nancy’s back!!! Woot!

      And I have been to Chinati, and I partly agree with you… and as art teacher, some of the work I really liked (for me, the art is sometimes about the process the artist went through, not necessarily the end product or sometimes it’s the feeling/memory/idea the art gives me when I look at it…), some I really didn’t get (and never will)! I will tell you though that some of the work (like the concrete blocks in the desert) it all depends on the time of day that you see them, the sunlight, and the shadows created… so it’s not really about the concrete per se… but I digress! 😉

      Like

    39. I thought Zach Quinto’s movie was funny! I love the Hostage one even more. 🙂
      .-= Sharon Rose´s last blog ..Nothing to report. =-.

      Like

    40. RIP Nancy Kappes 10/1/2010

      Like

    41. Wait…what are you saying?

      Like

    42. Damn you, Anonymous. You are scaring us. Explain yourself immediately.

      Like

      LadyV recently posted An obsessive letter to a soup company.

    43. Sadly Nancy passed away unexpectedly on Friday night.

      Like

    44. Are you sure? I just got an email from her last week. She seemed fine. I’m just devastated. Could you please email me? I want to send her daughters flowers but I don’t want to have to ask them for their address. Please, please email me. jenny@thebloggess.com .

      Like

    45. I am sure, I will pass along her obituary when it is published probably tomorrow. It should have the details you need for flowers, etc.

      Like

    46. Thank you so much for letting me know. I’ve passed on my condolences to her girls through their facebook accounts but please let them know that if there’s anything at all they need from me I’m here.

      I spent all of last night crying and going through all of our emails together. She left a hole in my life and was beloved by so many. I plan on posting my own memorial to her this morning. I worked on it last night but I had help. In true Nancy fashion she’d once sent me what she expected her obituary to be. Reading it again made me smile through the tears and I hope it will do the same for all her friends here on this blog. She will be missed more greatly than she could ever imagine. I’m sure you know that. Thank you again for letting me know.

      Like

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