UPDATED: B. I. N. G. Oh, I’ve made a terrible mistake.

in Marketing gone bad, Random Crap

Last week I was responding to ridiculous email marketing pitches with my standard surprisingly-I-work-for-money-and-not-just-for-toilet-paper-coupons-thankyouverymuch form letter but then I actually got a reply from a bingo company who was all “Well of course we’d pay you for your work.  Don’t be ridiculous.  Please send us some graphic ad samples to choose from” and then I was all “Oh.  I have made a terrible mistake” because I’m not actually that good at creating ads and also because it’s an ad for Bingo, y’all.  I didn’t even know bingo still existed (although it should because it was totally my favorite game when I was 8).   But I pretended that I totally knew all about modern Bingo because that’s how the professionals do it and I sent them 6 ads to choose from:

Surprisingly, I have not heard back from them.

Updated: Holy shit, y’all.  I just got an email from the bingo people and they actually went for it. Way to go, possibly drunken Bingo people!  If my life was an 80’s movie this is when I’d accidentally get promoted to a corner office and the guy who’s been working for the company for years would be all pissed and he’d vow to bring me down but in the end it wouldn’t matter because I’d realize that money isn’t as important as love and then I’d make out with Judd Nelson while I flipped off the establishment and then the establishment would be all “Wow.  Your honest attitude is refreshing.  You’re HIRED AGAIN!” and then they’d make the villain guy be the doorman at the office and he’d be all angrily mumbly under his breath whenever I came in and wait, why the hell did we hire him to open the door of the building? That guy is dangerous and has an axe to grind.  Why the fuck would we put him in security?  Now I have a headache.  But also?  I think I just got promoted to the head of the ad department in my office.  Except that I work at home and technically I have to open my front door for myself so I think that means I’m also the doorman.  Fuck that. From now on Victor’s gonna have to open the door.

Updated again:  I’m pretty sure you aren’t supposed to yell “I’m on a fucking conference call.  YOUR ARMS AREN’T BROKEN” when you’re a doorman.  Victor is a terrible doorman.

Comment of the day: “Bingo: Because hearing “O 69? over and over again never ever gets less hilarious.” ~ moooooog35

206 thoughts on “UPDATED: B. I. N. G. Oh, I’ve made a terrible mistake.”

Read comments below or add one.

  4. Hello … and I am trying to type while I am laughing! lol … not quite sure why they haven’t responded to you! No sense of haha is what I say! lolol

  6. Personally, I like the shark one the best. It has also inspired me to get a bingo tattoo down the right side of my torso. A drippy, red, prison-tat-looking one.

  7. These people are fools if they don’t advertise with you. I like the shark one. It makes me want to play bingo. See, you’re a natural.

  8. BINGO: It’s not just for old ladies to spend their social security checks on anymore. Oh wait. Yes it is.

  9. I’m going to have to get a “Hammerhead with bingo carved in his side” tattoo now right below my “Bloggess”tat.

  11. I actually played bingo last summer. It was frightening. So your ads all work, in my opinion. By the way, my friend who won $500 thinks bingo rocks. Go figure!
    .-= Susie Kline´s last blog ..I’m moving… =-.

  12. Did you know that you have to be trained to be a bingo caller? Bingo school. Seriously. It’s serious business. My husband volunteers for our local community bingo. Once he said “good luck” to one of the blue hairs, and I almost had a funeral to plan. But then she won. That’s my husband; he shatters stupid superstitions… Or he’s just really lucky. Now they all love him and make him rub their troll dolls.

  13. K I would love to hear the werewolf slash hamburger explanation. Then you could add an asterisk to the ad, like “explanation here”. By the way, I’m a professional so you’d have to charge them like an extra hundred bucks to cover that gem.
    .-= Christina´s last blog ..I’m an INTP. =-.

  14. I would love to see a bingo place use the bear ad. I would go there.

  15. “This is NOT* your grandmother’s BINGO anymore!”

    *still totally your grandmother’s BINGO, but she’d appreciate the chance to spend some time with you

  20. I like the werewolf one, because it has cheeseburger (and werewolves are sexy muscle machines). Cheeseburgers make everything better in my book.
    .-= La Souris´s last blog ..Châteaux-forts =-.

  21. I’m really trying to figure out the werewolf/hamburger analogy and so far all I can come up with is that werewolves are bin divers? Bin… Go? Am I close?

  23. Bingo is the new black. I dunno what the old black was but if definitely wasn’t black. Black was a long time ago. I forget where I was going with this.

    OH! Bingo: Where else are you going to use those dotty smudge pen things? Hmm…on the side of a hammerhead shark maybe. Shit. I suck at inspiring you with ideas.
    .-= AlleyCat´s last blog ..WTF is wrong with naming your kid John?! =-.

  25. Bingo is to old folks homes what orgies are to apartment complexes – you get everyone involved, communities are formed, and there’s always a risk of someone dying of excitement.

  26. When I open my own BINGO hall (right after I get my own drive-in movie lot but before I revolutionize shuffleboard) I’m TOTALLY hiring you to design the advertising.
    .-= Anne´s last blog ..Not That Final Four =-.

  32. They liked “eaten by bears”. Angry bears are now on my sidebar. Awesome.

    Also, the werewolf with a hamburger explanation: It’s like when you see a werewolf and at first you’re all “Wow…sexy werewolf” but then you think “Shit, I’m going to be murdered by this sexy werewolf” but then you see that he’s holding a hamburger and that’s how you know that he doesn’t eat people and then he’s even sexier because he’s still just as dangerous but not so dangerous that you can’t make out with him without getting you face eaten off. This explanation sounded better in my head.

  34. I love it! Especially, the last one! It’s perfect for all of those hippster granny’s dying to play Bingo. Now, it’s cool for them and their neon fanny packs!

  35. This is AWESOME.

    Because:
    1) LOVE the designes
    2) LOVE bingo!
    3) Love it that you tell people “I don’t work for toilet paper”
    and FOUR DING DING DING
    One of your drawings is Bingo+Werewolves and you posted this on what is our BIG WEREWOLF BLOG TOUR day (though you didn’t know that, and this blog has nothing to do with that tour), and I’m extra tuned into werewolves.

    Anyhoo, FUN post and FUN designs. love ’em.
    .-= Katie Elzer-Peters´s last blog ..Claire de Lune Blog Tour and Book Giveaway! =-.

  36. haha, you rock! and it came back to bit you on the ass 🙂

    a plastic surgeon left a comment with his business name as the author name on my little personal blog, I told him I can make the next post I had lined up about plastic surgery a sponsored post if he paid me 500 dollars. he so nearly went for it!

    he’s still got a few days to respond but he ruined it by asking so many questions about leads and hits and click throughs that I might just phone the plastic surgeon next door to him and offer to do it for free 🙂
    .-= Andy Bailey´s last blog ..Godaddy coupons offer extended-again =-.

  38. My 70 old aunt would love the BINGO site. Who knew there was such a demand outside of 70 year old ladies? Awesome.

  39. Ok, I think I need the bears on my page. They would give me a laugh at least once a day, and that might keep me going. I love it.

  47. Without question, B-I-N-G-O – the dog one was my fave. Although, being from Australia, the hammerhead shark one is close to my heart. Not…close enough that I should be in harm’s way…just a little close.
    .-= Jodie at Mummy Mayhem´s last blog ..BWM 2010 Video… =-.

  49. I totally want to go play bingo now. I’m probably going to get fired at work for playing bingo. This is all your fault.

  50. Hilarious post!! You guys should look up the bingo slang …One and two – a dozen, Monkey’s cousin … hahaha
    At least I will not be eaten by bears… I tried it once and won like $1200 in a couple of hours!

  55. Tragically, it took me about 4800 hours to figure out what the hell Bingo game you were talking about, probably because I haven’t played since I cheated — er — played in youth group at church 231 years ago. Or because I’m not 85. But if hammerhead sharks carve it into their sides, then I’m all over this magical game called Bingo. Because if you know me, you know I love mythical sharks.

  56. FUCK. Did not mean to write mythical sharks, meant to write HAMMERHEAD sharks but I zoned out in the middle of the comment publishing and now I just look stupid and retarded, more so than usual. TOTALLY PICK THIS AS COMMENT OF THE DAY.

  57. Well, it worked. I just clicked on the angry bear and went to the Bingo.org website: “Your #1 Source for
    Online Bingo News and Reviews!” I’ll tell you what if my Grandma was still alive and had a computer and knew how to turn it on and browse the internet …I would totally send her to that site. She would’ve loved it. Nice work Bingo.org. I wonder if the #2 source for online bingo news & reviews will be contacting you soon?
    .-= Rebecca´s last blog ..bloggers without makeup day. =-.

  59. I like the last one the best but Bingo.com didn’t email me first to ask my opinion. Bastards.

    I can just picture little old ladies seeing that ad and getting all confused on why bears are going to their bingo game. Then they would bake it a pie. Or maybe porridge. I read somewhere that bears like porridge. Just not too hot. Or too cold. The bitches better make it right, damn it!
    .-= LB @Wait, She Said What?´s last blog ..Scientists are just horny bastards. Or maybe that was just me. =-.

  60. For the record…I maaaay have just sat for a good ten minutes picturing a group of young thuggish hammerheads goading the skinny gangly one with bad skin to carve ‘BINGO’ into his side. Ah, to be young. And also a shark. Carving bingo into his side.

    ….

  62. I think you should approach Mc Donalds with the concept of the Bingo the Werewolf with a Hamburger. He could hang out with Grimace and the Frie Guys and Ronald and him could break dance together to the “Two whole beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed bun” song ( I think that is the actual lyrics AND the actual name of the song). Then Bingo the Werewolf with a Hamburger could be like “Ba-da-da-da-daaa, I’m loving it.”
    I know, I know, you are saying “What about the Hamburgular?”

    And I say to you, fuck the Hamburgular, he steals and that is not a good role model for kids. A Werewolf breakdancing is a good role model for kids.

    You, Jenny should run with this ad concept.

  63. I’m finding that “But I pretended that I totally knew all about {fill in with some random skill/ability/knowledge that I completely don’t have}…” is starting more and more sentences since I started a business.

    So I hear ya. Ads with werewolves, bears or hammerhead sharks have never been the outcome of those sentences though. So I may not be reaching far enough.
    .-= Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points´s last blog ..I’ll take my points to go, please. =-.

  64. Totally crushing on the werewolf with the hamburger.

    After your explanation, of course.
    .-= T´s last blog ..Change =-.

  65. This reminds me of the time the PHONE SEX company asked me to record some .wav files for them as a “Sample” and so I did and then I never heard from them again. But my husband found the files and he LOVED them so it was totally worth it.
    And then I may have blogged about it here: http://www.bloggingdangerously.com/2010/04/my-short-but-freaking-awesome-career-in-the-sex-industry.html
    .-= Kit´s last blog ..Top 10 Things that Made Me Laugh Recently =-.

  68. I would definitely play Bingo if I was gonna get eaten by bears if I didn’t. Because, shit. BEARS. Or even clowns. Because I quite possibly hate clowns more than I hate bears.
    .-= briya´s last blog ..My Weekend (In Pictures) =-.

  70. Laughed so hard you now have eight new readers (everyone else at work today) then misread Condo Blues (comment 18) as ‘old ladies out WELDING’ and now the copier guy thinks he and I have a date.

    Whafuck?

  71. OMFG! They got back to you?! And then Emilio Estevez came to your door, right?

  73. OMFG… if I wrote a reply like that I’d probably get sued for something. You get a job. You are gold Woman. Your ads are brilliant. As soon as I get off this stupid blocked-by-assholes-in-government server I will check out the Bingo link and look for your ad!

    PS Maybe you can help out DaddyScratches… he’s looking for work.
    .-= Kernut´s last blog ..An Exploration of the Senses =-.

  74. You forgot what you’d be wearing in your 80s movie. Tight spandex leggings with a ripped sweatshirt? Day glo? Lace like Madonna? What about your hair? YOU CANNOT FORGET ABOUT YOUR HAIR. The bigger, the better. And I’d totally make out with Judd Nelson before Emilio Estevez or Rob Lowe. Oh, yeah, and just got the dog one. I’m quick…
    .-= Michelle Zive´s last blog ..Loving Boys, Loving Men: Part II =-.

  75. You are so full of fucking awesomeness, I am glad you share with the rest of us. Absolute gratitude to you.

  76. Who still plays Bingo, other than really old people? Seriously?

    Well, we do at our family Christmas parties, but we might be intoxicated while doing it. Possibly. I love the “Bingo. It’s less boring than MahJong.” I would totally rock that on my page.
    .-= Kendahl´s last blog ..And Then It Happened =-.

  78. More important- what is the soundtrack to this movie? The crappy 80’s soundtrack sets the mood for the whole movie- also what wig will you wear and will it have mall bangs- because I would totally watch that movie- or rent it on Beta Max or something. And I think that Victor should quit whining about being your doorman if you are bringing in all that Bingo money.
    .-= mountainmomma18´s last blog ..There is a dead squirrel in my yard- that is not a euphemism. =-.

  79. I want to hear the story behind the werewolf.

    Not to mention..this is soo true. “Bingo: Because hearing “O 69? over and over again never ever gets less hilarious.”
    Thanks, moooooog35.

  84. I’m pretty sure Bingo is the only activity that appeals to both senior citizens and children all at the same time.

    …well, that and pooping your pants.

    If you get an offer from Depends, then I think we have a theme here…
    .-= MegAllen´s last blog ..Gleeker Quest: Round 1 =-.

  85. Mother of gawd, HAMMERHEAD SHARKS! Perfect. I would play bingo at an establishment with that ad out front. Think the episcopals down the street would go for it? Right next to “Halleluia! He is Risen?”
    .-= CDG´s last blog ..Homonymous =-.

  86. You can NOT go wrong anytime you can work “O 69” into an ad. Or everyday conversation.

    @Andy Bailey – if the plastic surgeon balks at the outlay of actual cash, see if he’ll do some kind of trade barter. Like, you bring in the eyeballs with the ads, he does your eyelids.
    .-= Jami´s last blog ..Miscellaneous stolen stuff =-.

  87. Wow, who knew BINGO people had a sense of humor? Or maybe it’s just excellent taste in semi-threatening advertising. That’s wonderful. I’m gonna go carve ‘bingo’ into my side now to look tougher. I heard it’s what all the cool sharks are doing.

  88. BING- OMG, you do not know about the fabulous subculture of BINGO, you truly have not lived! BINGO is awesomeness (never mind I am 31 years old and the youngest person at Bingo by 20 years at least). BINGO is crack-ish, fun, and lucrative. Please visit a BINGO hall and bask in the wonder of it all.
    .-= Naturally Alise´s last blog ..Blog Poetry Slam 49: Fire =-.

  89. Does “I’m on a conference call” mean the same thing in your house as mine? Namely “I’m in front of the computer and can’t/won’t get up”?
    Or do people really have conference calls?

    I love all the ads and now Bingo’s my new favourite sport. Well, watching it. Participating smacks of effort.
    .-= harmzie´s last blog ..Influence =-.

  91. Do you have trolls and lucky elephants on your desk? Are you starting to write with “Dobber” pens in a variety of colors? Are you spending too much time Be-Dazzling your shirts? BING OMG we are going to stage a Bingo-vention. Of course you know this only makes you that much easier to find when the Zombie Abingolypse starts. You will be all blingy and shiny and here they come…you can’t dobber them to make them go away. Final Thoughts: Oh lucky elephant, don’t fail me now.
    .-= LookieLou´s last blog ..A Newcomer’s Guide to the Term “Woofy Woo” =-.

  92. Holy crap, by the time I scroll down to the comment section, I forgot what I was going to say. Oh yeah, the Bingo with a dog thingy was funny. See it even became a lame comment, not a witty off the cuff or off the hip or maybe straight from the hip comment. Like Judd Nelson, except I don’t like him, I like Jude Law.

  93. I think those sneaky trixy BINGO people got you to link to their website! I hope at least they send you some toilet paper coupons for your effort at least. Hope I’m wrong and you rake in the $$$. If not, make off with their balls.

  94. Bingo is huge here in Alaska since gambling is illegal. Pulltabs are popular also. People seem to love games of chance.
    I still maintain Victor is a saint.
    .-= ms martyr´s last blog ..From my mailbox =-.

  95. This comment isn’t meant to be funny. My husband and I love Bingo. We actually considered moving closer to a bingo hall when we were house hunting. Well, maybe that was funny.

    And PS: You’ve had Bingo ads on your sidebar for a while but they are for another country and it just confused me.

    Lee 🙂
    .-= Lee´s last blog ..Spa Baby Eco Tub Review! =-.

  96. Man, sharks are sexy. I’d hump the shit out of that shark. Wait, do sharks shit? Oh, stupid question. Of course they don’t. They probably barf up waste when they’re done with it. Because that’s way more hardcore than shitting.

    Anyway, I guess none of that matters, because when you hump the shit out of something, you’re not really hoping it’ll shit. Unless you’re German. In that case, you’re probably all about the shark shit (which I’d call “shart” if that term wasn’t taken).
    .-= Ells´s last blog ..Everything sucks =-.

  97. Wait, didn’t you just give the Bingo people free advertising by posting this? Maybe they’re not so drunk after all. Right now they’re probably yelling BINGO! cause they won.

  98. When you do create the ad, would it be possible to mispell it as “BINGE,” so that I can use the ole “but the internet told me to!” excuse when I go on a 3-day gin-fueled bender?

  101. I had a great comment about you being Melanie Griffith and getting a lunchbox from Victor when you go to work and walk past all the working stiffs you climbed over by nailing an exec, but then I went and accidentally started a fanpage for you on Facebook. Can I have a photo? Is that illegal?

    Bloggess followers: Join this group on Facebook, and you will feel like a werewolf with a hamburger:
    A DOZEN PEOPLE WHO WANT THE BLOGGESS TO BE OUR NATIONAL BLOGGER LAUREATE
    http://www.facebook.com/pages/A-Dozen-People-Who-Want-The-Bloggess-to-be-our-National-Blogger-Laureate/127148757300649?created

  107. Old people look harmless but when the moon is full they want to revolt against the system and hit young folks with their walking sticks, they are all practicing to be zombies. Bingo was created to keep them indoors away from the moonlight but it’s a bit like giving a hamburger to a werewolf that wants to rip your throat out, you are just delaying the inevitable….
    .-= cathy´s last blog ..Blogging Without Makeup Day =-.

  111. APPARENTLY, Bingo is making a comeback in bars. Bingo For Beer. True story. Only I did not win. Not once. And it was my BIRTHDAY.
    Obviously, I need a time machine so I can have one of these beauties printed on a shirt. Surely that would make the Scottish Bingo-Pulling Guy like me better.

  112. I make my husband answer the door at our house too. And I don’t even have a pretend ad agency that I’m pretending to run as an excuse.

    P.S. GodDAMN that hammerhead shark is fucking sexy.

  113. See, I actually think these ads will work for the hipster crowd for sure. i mean, i am such a hipster, and these ads make me want to play some bingo. you make it sound cool to play bingo b/c it is all ironic. plus these ads could be made into shirts and sold at urban outfitters. just sayin’

  114. So, I was watching Undateable on VH1 the other day. And there was this other blogger chick on there. and I wondered to myself, “why can’t Jenny be on there? She’d be so good at it.”
    The point is, you should look into that, I’d so watch it.

  117. This is so National Lampoon-y!
    Next, your redneck, inbred cousins will show up with their diseased children and ruin the Bar Mitzvah for everyone, until you stand on a table and make a tearful speech, prompting the policeman to rip up the warrant, and then everyone cheers and you win.
    Basically, you’re the Clark Griswold of fucking with spammers.
    .-= Sarah p´s last blog ..Grateful blogs get Cra-zay, elbow-elbow, wink-wink =-.

  119. Yeah, was wondering how you didn’t know bingo existed when it is on the sidebar, now I’m wondering how 113 other people never noticed that. (one did)

    The dog is my fave, but how can anyone turn down a sexy werewolf with a hamburger?

    Sexy. Werewolf. Hamburger. B-I-N-G-O (no explanation necessary)

  120. Um, There was a farmer had a dog and BINGO was his name-o. See, your ad is wrong. Bingo is a dog. But the rest are cool.

  121. My Asian MIL is obsessed with Bingo. She will be on the phone with my husband and say, “Ok, I go to the Bingo now” and just hang up on him when he’s telling a story about the kids.

    Maybe she’s just tired of hearing about the kids.

    “Bingo: You will love the shit out of it just like my crazy-ass Asian MIL.”
    .-= Zak´s last blog ..Let Me Explain To You The Exact Moment I Turned Into My Mother =-.

  126. Pretty sure you need to follow up by doing another ad using the title of your post.
    Or use mine…
    “Bingo. It’s not just for old people anymore”
    And no you can not pay me in toilet paper coupons either.

    Hey how about “What happens at Bingo stays at Bingo”. But that sounds familar. so maybe not. HAs someone used that before?
    🙂
    .-= The Glamorous Life Association´s last blog ..It’s not like I didn’t believe in my own son. Well actually, it is. =-.

  127. I LOVE the mahjong one! Fantastic.

    Although I have to say that I love Bingo. We play at all the family holidays [for MONEY] and we are cut throat. It’s a great way to get out aggression. I think that’s why old people play it. At church.
    .-= Suniverse´s last blog ..So Many Thoughts, So Little Thinking =-.

  128. Dude. When I finally getting around to think of something to invent, I’m totally going to pay you to make me an ad.

    Also, you need more centaurs on those ads.
    .-= Chelle´s last blog ..Toy Joy =-.

  129. I’ve seen serious bingo players — they run at least a dozen cards at a time, buy special markers just for bingo, and are cut-throat. But with the amount of money that can be won occasionally, there may be a reason for that. Who needs poker, when you can gamble and win big bucks on bingo?

    If you were in a 1980s movie, you would get the corner office, then the boss who looked like Brad Pitt or Michael Douglas, or Harrison Ford, Brad Pitt, and Michael Douglas all rolled into one would fall in love with you, marry you and make you both fabulously wealthy and Vice President of the company (he having the President and CEO job already tied down). I’m not sure where that leaves Victor though — he and the guy whose job you just took away plot against you in the sequel….

    I liked the shark the best overall, the graphic design on the werewolf, the writing on the dog one.

  131. That “Bears will eat you” one would work great in Grand Lake, CO, where I live and where we have Bingo in the park every Friday and Saturday night all summer long.

  132. If I didn’t already LOVE Bingo, your Mahjong ad would totally sell it. Because Mahjong? Is so boring even I won’t play it. And I’ll play Bingo. Or Dominoes. Or Backgammon.

    And no, I’m not 8.

    Or 80.

    Although, once my husband realizes what a game freak he married, I may be single.

    Single at the Bingo Hall.

    Holla.

  133. You totally missed a marketing opportunity with these drunken bingo execs. But since they bought it anyway, Hell to the yeah… Next time you might wanna throw your wieght around a bit. for example lets say it’s a car company or steak company ( not the stakes you drive in a vampire but steaks like you eat) you could say , ” you should buy this car/steak or I will mention your website and it will crash for days. Cause I am that badass yall… I mean didn’t you bring that poor ghost camera buying chicks site down like my capris in highschool… just a suggestion… oh yeah Victor. GET the FUCKIN DOOR DUDE.. you work for her now, get in good before she completely takes the world over.

  134. I think BINGO is the shark’s name-o. Seriously, I’d buy anything with the word FUCK in the ad.

    I am now scared of the security and doorpeople at my office. Who know’s who their wife is…
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..Big Day =-.

  135. Hey, did you know you’re one of the specially featured “new deals” on Publisher’s Marketplace today?

    “From Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess (who counts Neil Gaiman and Jen Lancaster as fans; whom MSNBC calls an “internet rockstar”) LET’S PRETEND THIS NEVER HAPPENED: A Mostly True Memoir, about her rural Texas upbringing, pitched as Little House on the Prairie, but with more cursing, to Amy Einhorn at Amy Einhorn Books, at auction, by Neeti Madan at Sterling Lord Literistic (NA).”
    .-= Victoria Mixon´s last blog ..4 Ways Social Media Can Screw Up Your Writing =-.

  137. Victor wont get off the phone to open the door on a random whim? What the hell kind of wedding vows do y’all use down there in Texas?!
    .-= Paula´s last blog ..Aptly named =-.

  138. Oh my word… don’t know how I found your blog. through someone commenting on “no make up day?” but oh my word. I have not laughed so hard. you are hilarious. and off color, and inappropriate….and so different from me in every way. But hysterical! Thank you for making me laugh! And laugh at things that I should not be laughing at…but you are funny. You will be my guilty pleasure.
    .-= Mama Llama´s last blog ..Really? =-.

  139. Which 80s movie are you writing about? If it’s “St. Elmo’s Fire” I think this means you now have a coke habit. Bingo is sucking you into a downward spiral. Unless it’s another movie. Then you’re fine.

  140. I’ve only gone to play BINGO once (with a boyfriend’s mom), back in the dark ages when I was still single- almost 30 years ago.The room was filled with chain smoking, unsmiling little old ladies who could play 30 cards at once. I was sure I’d get lung cancer from spending just one evening in there with all of them. It was actually kinda scary in a way.

    bodaciousboomer’s last blog…Danger Will Robinson, Danger! Mother-in-law arriving soon!

  141. Does Victor not truly understand your need for concentration, or more importantly, does he not understand your position in the universe, because then he would totally serve you. Judd Nelson might be available for doorman, if Victor has other things to do.
    .-= happyhourmary´s last blog ..Trapiche Malbec =-.

  144. Two words: bingo wings. You don’t want to work for a bingo company. Trust me on this one.

  146. Ok, someday when I have an actual marketing budget for my bath products, I am going to ask you to design my ads. And they will be awesome. And I will not be eaten by Bears because The Bloggess warned me. Yay!
    .-= msdarkstar´s last blog ..Hey, Jealousy… =-.

  147. OMG!! As a good mother I volunteer once a month at the local “bingo alley” as the manager of a bingo team. A group of Moms and Dads who show up and put up with old ladies bitching and complaining to raise money for our high school.
    But of all my experiences there… my favorite story was in the bathroom. A line of old ladies with walkers and canes, and they were all bitching and moaning about another old lady who was in the only stall that had the “high” toilet and that if she knew she had diarrhea she should have taken one of the “low” toilets because the high one is easier to stand up from. I was then asked to tell the lady to “hurry up”. Like I wanted to go in there and wipe her fucking ass and throw her off the high toilet! Really? What the hell was I suppose to do? (what did I do? Nothing, I said they would have to make a decision and use one of the other toilets or go in the men’s bathroom and walked out)
    After this whole experience I was afraid of growing old for a while—but the high/low toilet story has made me shoot to always be able to SQUAT over the low toilet. ALWAYS!!

  148. I went to BINGO once. I had to pay to get in, pay for a special BINGO marker, the food was bad and it was hotter than Hades inside the hall. I think I actually lost money once all was said and done. I do not have fond memories of BINGO. But, love your ads.
    .-= Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy´s last blog ..If You Give A Mom A Mojito =-.

  149. Well that’s bullshit. I spent a year taking my husband’s 94 year old grandma to bingo and the best you can say is that it’s not as boring as mah jong, and that’s only because there’s there’s an element of the absurd in watching seniors shout, “clickety-click! O 66!”

  150. I just went onto Google to search “yoga london” but typed “bingo london” by mistake because I’d just been reading your blog… Apparently I can “Bingo in Hollywood style”

  151. Damn, these bingo people are smart. I can’t say it’s been on my radar… well… ever, and here I am, thinking how cool bingo is because you tell me it is.

    Who the hell are these bingo people anyways? Is there some national bingo association that decided you would be a good spokesperson? Who runs this bingo mafia?

  152. This one time on TV, they featured drag queen bingo. It was run by drag queens, and they say ‘fuck’ a lot, and this seems like the sort of thing you should be involved in.

  155. I am having a hard time imagining Bingo catching on. But I was also the last to know I was supposed to be wearing make-up while blogging, except on specially designated days. So, clearly I am not to be trusted on the whole trend-spotting thing…

    SK

  156. Wow. I don’t know which is wackier … the frozen waffle snack printed like a real, plausible snack for children of these Bingo Ads! But I love’em. 🙂

  157. Pingback: Damernes magasin – Der er så meget kvinder forstår » Blog Archive » … og jeg citerer!

  158. BINGO —– IT’S LIKE CLITORAL ORGASMS, ALMOST AS GOOD AS VAGINAL ONES !!!

    . . . . ’cause sex sells.

  161. HA. You’ve inspired me…
    BINGO
    A four-letter word with an extra “O” at the finish.

    You and your readers are fucking hilarious. I love your blog.

  162. You are awesomely creative! I’d totally hire you. But only if you worked for toilet paper (I think I have some here stuck to my shoe…). Cause that’s how I roll – like a toilet paper roll.

    Oh, and I’m poor.

    I wonder if I could win some bingo money.
    .-= My Baby Sweetness´s last blog ..Mother’s Day =-.

  163. The zombie ad would totally work because us bleeding edge baby boomers and out-of-work-and-our-retirement-funds-were-eaten-by-Wall-Street-huckster losers who are still experiencing periodic hallucinogenic flashbacks would absolutely want to go to a zombie infested bingo parlor just for something interesting to do especially if there might be hamburgers involved. No wonder the bingo folk are on board. Your genius is practically boundless.
    .-= Jonah Gibson´s last blog ..Day 147 – Bringing Grace and Serenity to the Oppressed =-.

  164. I just love you. There I said it. And zombie infested bingo parlors would be great, because I would always get to win.

  166. If they use the “less boring than Mahjong” one, you better sleep with one eye open. Because the only people with a bigger chip on their shoulder than the mahjong people are the pinochle people. The stories I could tell you . . .

  168. I cannot support this post because I believe Bingo belongs only at church and not online.

  169. a) Victor needs to get with the program here. The head of advertising CANNOT be opening her own door. God, Victor… what the fuck? At least try to be a little professional.

    b) Most awesome advertisement ever.

    c) Also? After 5 years of infertility I’m knocked up with what looks like our first promising, not totally disfunctional, little human tapeworm. And we nicknamed it “Bingo”. Well my husband did. I call it Tapeworm. Anyways, could I repost this on my blog with a link back to you given total credit for the awesomeness that you infinitely excrete? Because they way you present Bingo makes our kid seem like a badass rather than an old lady’s hobby. Especially the shark one. I should totally do that in real life.
    .-= Busted Kate´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: A Few Good Eggs =-.

  170. I don’t understand what all these ads have to do with dingoes. But I would totally work for toilet paper because we are always running out and I hate to go to the supermarket.

  176. I like the dog one! The Bingo people are dog discriminators! And shark discriminators but sharks get a lot of bad press and also they eat people. But then again Bingo could use the scary and edgy thing – like being a vampire.
    You should open your own ad agency!
    Also, in NYC, Victor would be a great doorman.
    .-= Tonya´s last blog ..My Head Still Hurts But Now I’m Taking a Plane =-.

  177. So does the fact that my husband just got his hammer head shark tat covered up make him more bad ass or less bad ass and do I need to carve BINGO into his are….

    Or on his penis?

    Let me know, I wait with bated breath and kind of sterilized safety pins dipped in charcoal and piss.
    .-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..Haa Haa Haa! =-.

  181. Ok maybe im slow… which one did they take…im dying to know… Thats super cool man! So did you fire Victor? if you did it could be said that your company has high employee turnover *giggle* and then how does he feel about it? You should train the cat to open the door that would be coool!
    .-= Anisa´s last blog ..My week =-.

  182. Hah. That Bingo site must be aimed at [old] people with poor eyesight? because when I went to look at it on my little iTouch here, I couldn’t get the text to size down to fit the screen – it’s permanently stuck on HUGE 🙂

    Yes, I’m old and wear glasses, people, but it’s not THAT bad yet …
    .-= gurukarm (@karma_musings)´s last blog ..Getcher Drop Caps Here – Fresh Daily! =-.

  183. Bingo is sooo not like a werewolf with a hamburger. It’s like a vampire with a hotdog…obviously.

  185. What kind of bingo team is this? Is it in Houston, because I would really want to go and avoid being eaten by bears.
    I know my comment is going to be lost among the gazillion emails you get every day, but I’ll say it anyways, your blog is fucking awesome! I’m also a Houston (really lazy) blogger and I think I originally found you through the Houston Press but I spend too much time online so I can’t remember. Anyways, you make me ROFL all the time, and it’s something I very much need because I”m usually a big ball of would up stress and they say laughter is really good for you. I’m considering putting off the call to the therapist and just making sure I read this every day. It will save me money!
    Well, brevity is not my forte, but I’ll cut this short. Thanks for blogging!

    Oh, and seriously, drunk bingo…I’m down, send me a message if it happens.

  186. Oh my gosh, bingo is TOTALLY like a werewolf with a hamburger! I was just thinking that myself this morning as I was thinking about bingo. And hamburgers. Bingo just makes you hungry to play, kind of like looking at a hot, muscle-y werewolf. And like him looking at the hamburger.
    .-= wendy´s last blog ..Happy Birthday Wolfgang! =-.

  187. So, here in boring ole’ College Station Texas, home of the Fightin’ Texas Aggies, the local (only) BINGO parlor (parlour???) has 1/2 price Bingo on Thursday nights and if you are over 21, you get two coupons for FREE BEER. You’ve never seen so many Aggie boys and girls playin’ Bingo in your life. My nephew dragged us out a couple of times and we sat with the kids and had a blast. They even have a non-smoking section for people who don’t want to die from 2nd-hand smoke. If you’re lazy, you can even rent this little bingo computer that automatically blacks out the numbers for you!!! The blue hairs were quite p.o.’ed when someone at our table split a $750 pot. Big money to be made for a measly 5 bucks (that’s the 1/2 price cost). We’ve been a couple of times — it’s so much fun — and they have these great sparkly neon colored little blobber things. I have a whole collection now == so instead of playing bingo we people watch and make art with our blobbers and drink beer. Where can you have that much fun for five bucks (believe me, College Station may be a college town but it’s a weird college town . . . )

  190. @moooooog35: You just reminded me of the time at Fremont Fair in Seattle during the Summer Solstice Parade (aka Naked Bicycle Riding Mostly) there was this woman in standing in front of us who WOULDN’T stop yelling “OHHHHH! SIXTY-NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!! OOOOOOOOOOHHHH YEAHHHHHHH BABY!” And then Jabba the Hutt came by (or someone dressed like him, I can never tell.) and she screamed it louder at him, and then he walked off to continue his parading. She then says, “Oh, I guess he didn’t get it.” What the hell was there to get?

  192. Bingo: It’s like gambling with training wheels on

    Bingo: Sex isn’t the only place you shout when you finish

    Bingo: Sex isn’t the only way to have someone play with your balls and scream
    .-= Drizztdj´s last blog ..Coming up after the plunge =-.

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  196. OMG – the last bingo ad nearly made me pee my pants. I want a bumper sticker of that one also. I’m still here, laughing about it. Epic. Absolutely epic.

  197. Pingback: I honestly thought it was Saturday until about 10 minutes ago. — TheBloggess.com
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  199. OMG that last one is PRICELESS. And you owe me a new monitor since I spit my tea all over this one and can’t see what the hell I’m typing here. And I totally want that font you used too.
    .-= SparkGirl´s last blog ..Rest in peace Lurch =-.

  200. I’ve been posting a lot about volunteering at a Bingo Parlor for my school and a friend sent me a link to this post. Dear God, you are hysterical. Bingo is totally like a werewolf with a hamburger. Thank you for the laugh.
    .-= jennielynn´s last blog ..I Am A Nutjob. Seriously. =-.

  201. OMG, I think you just described 50 percent of the movies from the 80s and about 30 percent of movies from the 90s. Movies from the 00’s? I have no idea. Aside from Harry Potter they all sucked to much to actually watch them.
    .-= LS´s last blog ..Web Writing and Business Ethics =-.

  203. In all fairness? I just tried online bingo for the first time and it was awesome. Except that they should send you watered-down booze to drink so it’s like you’re in Vegas. That was the only thing missing.

  205. First time visitor – first time caller……I think I love you Bloggess.
    I found you because I promote online bingo and well here I am …..and wondering if I can afford to hire you for your advertising savvy…..(Awesome – really.)

    I just posted a funny bingo ad – animation thingy you might like……Check out the website and click Lucky Bob’s Bingo Videos…..

    Cheers,
    Bob

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