I spent the day vaguely naked in a cemetery (more on that later) and then my sister yelled at me for not having the weekly wrap-up published and I was all “That’s because it’s Saturday” but turns out it’s actually Sunday. This is basically how my whole fucking week went. But enough about that. Now it’s time for the weekly wrap-up of shit-I-was-doing-when-I-wasn’t-here reinventing bear-fear-based advertising and getting hit on by Netflix.
This week on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche-canoe):
This week on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:
This week on the internets:
- I sold my possibly haunted, broken camera for $501. I know. I don’t understand either. But another blogger bought it and she’s quite funny so I told everyone on twitter to go see what kind of a person would pay $501 for a broken camera and a cross-dressing lego and I BROKE HER BLOG. True story. And it took her like 30 hours to get the server back up and as soon as it was up I was all “Hey, remember that girl who I told you to go read and then I accidentally crashed her server? Well, it’s back up!” and then I crashed her server again. I swear to God I did not do this on purpose. Then she was all “Stop helping” and so I did. I think her site’s back up now and you can visit it but it’ll probably crash again so maybe go in turns. If your name starts with an A you can go now. Everyone else wait until next week.
This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
“I’m having a baby. I’m having a baby. I’m having a baby.” lol
.-= Tony´s last blog ..The 6 Dumbest Things You Have (Probably) Done on Facebook =-.
re: Good Mom/Bad Mom – You are not a terrible mother. You did, however, miss an incredible opportunity to try and pass of tubes of Pillsbury chocolate chip cookie dough as a brand name for “scratch”. 🙂
Saw Karen’s blog post. You rock a mean red dress, sistah. (PS: Had a known how much publicity and traffic a $501 haunted camera and cross-dressing Lego generates, I’d have bought the damn thing myself … if I had $502 to spare, that is … but since I’m unemployed, that probably wouldn’t have been a popular move ’round these parts.)
.-= Daddy Scratches´s last blog ..Unemployed, but popular (in a completely obscure and geeky kind of way) =-.
“Had a known”? What am I, Southern? It’s “Had *I* known.” Sheesh. *bangs head into monitor repeatedly*
.-= Daddy Scratches´s last blog ..Unemployed, but popular (in a completely obscure and geeky kind of way) =-.
I probably fall into the bad mom category. Embrace the terrible, I guess.
.-= Holly B´s last blog ..A DIY Experiment With Explosives =-.
Thank God there are no more sweaty balls during my pickle surprise. The world is right again.
I HATE it when I don’t know what day it is. Everyone in the newsroom looked at me like I was nuts, well more so than normal, when I yelled out, “Oh my God-it’s Wednesday, not Thursday-that’s awesome.” It’s a good thing I cover society stuff rather than hard news.
.-= Amy Mayfield´s last blog ..Boudoir Bombshell, or everything I know I learned from Tyra. =-.
That “shit my kids ruined” website makes me ill. When I finish vomiting, I’m calling that urologist whose name and number has been on a sticky note for the past 6 months on my desk.
.-= muskrat´s last blog ..clearly maddie belongs in front of the camera =-.
Oh shit that means it’s Monday here. Must turn off lap top, throw jumper over pjs, wake up kids, dress them in slightly damp school uniforms, whilst shoving bread in their mouth (they can use their fricken imagination and pretend it’s toast), throw money at them to buy tic tacs from school canteen for lunch, drive them to school late, be given the “you are a piss poor excuse for a mother” look from judgemental school desk admin bitches and wait in the car park for child services to turn up. Thanks so much Bloggess for fucking with my mind. Sheesh. Do you think child services will take my “it’s all the Bloggess’s fault” excuse. You now officially owe me a medical/Bloggess certificate to get me out of this shit, or at least cough up the bail money.
.-= Rusty Hoe´s last blog ..Fabulous Fridays: All Hail the Mighty Geek. =-.
No, you are *not* a terrible mother. You are, however, a certified server assassin. And, according to the nice lady who bought your camera (and the Legos), “a vortex of crazy.”
Yep, that sounds about right.
~EdT.
.-= EdT.´s last blog ..A case of vego-cyber-errorism, perhaps =-.
Shit. I missed church again.
.-= Mary @ Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..Cap guns are actually pretty realistic =-.
God girl, after the batshit crazy day i had yesterday ( it would actually have made a best seller if it was written…maybe I’ll contact Diablo Cotey or someone cool…like YOU!) anyhow, I really needed to read this post today and I thank you … after the post i just wrote, I now feel great after hearing about other mothers who are fuglyhotmesses too!
as always, bowing in admiration!
Danon – The Insatiable Host
.-= Insatiablehost´s last blog ..I’m one Bitch-Crazed MommaFuhka! =-.
Okay… I’m totally down with why you haven’t given my blog a big shout out. Thanks!
Now you can add “Server Crasher” to your already over-loaded business card.
.-= Kate´s last blog ..Can we talk?…. =-.
I LOVE your response to IBTC!! I wish I had an asshole I could use that on now before my addled brain forgets it.
.-= Kernut´s last blog ..Dating Advice From The Unqualified =-.
All I can picture now is Doctor Starlight Smashhammer rubbing Fresh Balls on some merman, and then running away as he chases her with the weird octo-vibe, wearing the oral sex light. I hope I don’t have nightmares tonight.
P.S. I’ve always wanted to marry my Tivo. If you and Netflix get together, you will pave the way for us.
.-= FabuLeslie´s last blog ..Dear Ikea, =-.
I don’t know why Victor is such a buzzkill about mermaids. If crushing dreams were that cool, Mötley Crüe would have called their song “Dr. Feelbad”. I mean!
.-= Fuck Yeah, Motherhood!´s last blog ..Dream A Little Dream Of Me =-.
You know how Ted Kennedy did all these awesome things but when he died lots of people said, oh yeah, the guy who drowned that girl in the river when he was drunk and crashed his car. I feel like whatever I do from here on out, I will be the lady whose blog was crashed by the bloggess. I’m going to have to invent a flying car and even then I will never outlive this. Effing server.
.-= tara´s last blog ..Science and Reason Are No Match for Second Grade Hang Ups =-.
You crashing Bite the Bedbugs kind of ruined my life – or like a day or a couple of hours or something. My BFF was traumatized when the replacement goldfish she bought for her 2-year-old daughter in order to avoid a discussion about death while BFF was entertaining family members from out of town promptly leaped to its death in the middle of her 2-year-old daughter’s bedroom rug.
So, I was all, “OMG. You know what would make you feel better? I just read the best dead goldfish story. EVER. I’ll totally send you the link.”
And then the motherfucking Bloggess crashed the site.
Do you know how hard it is to get my BFF to read a blog I say is awesome? It takes a frigging goldfish suicide.
.-= Sarah p´s last blog ..Attack a racist and win! =-.
Douche – Canoe… LMAO !! How did I miss that the first time???
.-= Holly B´s last blog ..Last Dance With Mary Jane – Adventures With My BFF, Pam. =-.
Actually I wasn’t quite sure if today was Sunday or Saturday myself. Having an extra day off from work kinda did it, but I’m sad it’s already Monday (almost)…
I hope I’m not a terrible mother… Have a fab week!
This post is still better than the last ten minutes of Lost.
.-= Bridget Callahan´s last blog ..Several Ways Lost Could End and Should End, But Probably Isn’t Going To =-.
My husband was watching the cat thing. I yelled at him to turn it off in case there were any spoilers. That’s not a very responsible thing to post when you’ve got readers from outside America.
Also, what is a douche-canoe? Or a douche-bag, for that matter? I need to know so I can start using it.
.-= Sandrine´s last blog ..The Ex-Pat Manifesto (or Patriotism is Over-rated). =-.
It actually sounds like you’re the perfect mom!
I hope Hailey reaction was surprise (but she’s probably as sharp as her mom).
.-= The Queer Next Door´s last blog ..On Being Blue =-.
Actually it’s Monday, so you’re doubly wrong. (and it’s probably monday where you are now, so whatever. I’ll just pretend I don’t like in the future or anything)
.-= Veronica´s last blog ..Explorers Journal =-.
I LOVED your advice to the young lady in Ask the Bloggess. If only I’d known how to respond when guys made fun of my cup size in high school…
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..I don’t heed the clues, so I’m constantly mystified =-.
I tried to go to the site but nada! damn girl really? lol someone should do a post on the things that kids say because some of those things are hilarious! Thanks my monday is totally made!
.-= Anisa´s last blog ..My week =-.
First names or last names? You know – the whole beginning with A thing. Not that it matters to me, I will go with either the K or M group, which means I can’t go until next month.
.-= MidLifeMama´s last blog ..Reflecting on beauty… =-.
oh you ARE a pill!
.-= furiousball´s last blog ..the bravest people there =-.
maybe you could market your ability to destroy other people’s sites…. for competitors I mean.
or as a tool to attract attention to your site
“it’s down go look”
(look, find)
“fooled ya! now that you are here….”
I’m pretty sure that is what the bedbugs lady was trying to pull
PS I read the bedbugs lady *before* she went famous
.-= arbulua´s last blog ..Vulcano god hates me =-.
I am honestly excited about the fact that one of the weird things I emailed you made it to your top ten list. My life isn’t exactly complete, but that totally contributed to it being completed by at least .5%.
“Stop helping!” The most pitiful oxymoronic cry ever in the history of words.
.-= Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points´s last blog ..Projects, Points, Pedicures…Oh My! =-.
$501?!? Girlfriend you just need to start selling haunted stuff on ebay and call it a day. You’ll become a millionaire in NO TIME.
.-= Annah´s last blog ..Listen: Alicia Keys – Un-thinkable (I’m Ready) =-.
Found shit my kids ruined yesterday and LOVE that site! Thought of you, in fact, when I saw it. Is that kind of weird…? I’m not a stalker I swear! 😉
.-= My Baby Sweetness´s last blog ..An idea as smooth as a baby’s bottom… I hope! =-.
My husband told me to ask you if you thought you could sell any random piece of trash for that much. I told him to quit being silly. Obviously the trash would have to be haunted!
.-= Chelle´s last blog ..It’s not necessarily greener on the other side, but it sure is prettier. =-.
I think I learned something new from the shit you did when you weren’t blogging. I’m trying to figure out how to integrate it into my life and perhaps against the Red Zombie walking the dog. Hmm…she ponders.
.-= Jenn´s last blog ..New Jersey, The Garden State =-.
I just threw up a little in the back of my throat from the Shit my kids ruined site. Let this serve as a warning for those who do not want to see a poopy mess after having chili for dinner.
.-= Lookie Lou´s last blog ..Richard Gere stars in reality movie, “My Dog: An Unconditional Love Story” =-.
OMG! Where have you been all my life?
Seriously, I’ve been here all of ten minutes and I think I will never write or watch tv again. I’m stuck in the Bloggess bog.
Write on!
.-= Tammi Kibler´s last blog ..Write Now – What If Perfect Never Arrives? =-.
Your little lady looked adorable in her graduation cap/gown.
.-= Holly B´s last blog ..Let’s Be Amish For The Weekend – How I Could Potentially Cause An Uprising And Then Get Chased Out Of Town By Angry Villagers =-.
omg you broke her site??!?! And she bought your camera for 501 bucks?! Holy meatballs Batman!
.-= Mesina´s last blog ..I dream of Sophie =-.
OMG shitmykidsruined.com is a balm (and I do mean ‘a balm’, not ‘da bomb’-though I gues either would work). I feel ever so much better about the state of my house after looking at this site and laughing at these poor suckers. And I know I just totally fucked up my karma by saying that… but it’s still funny!
I bailed on lost in the first season. It’s just weird.
.-= Anna´s last blog ..Rumi =-.
I empathized with all but a few of the images/stories “Shit My Kids Ruined”…
.-= Mark (Dudge OH)´s last blog ..dudgeoh: DS1 has instructed me to tell you he said "Hi!". *s* http://mltp.ly/2Q8Xe1a =-.
That cat having a baby labelled Kate is actually Claire. You can tell by the horrid Aussie accent.
Lost was awesome, then lame, then awesome again, then ended with a big WTF – they abandoned the cool sci-fi puzzle and decided to make it about redemption and the afterlife. So aggravating.
.-= Sharon Rose´s last blog ..Farm Day, Kids Edition! =-.
“Pickle Surprise” is one of the earliest appearances (in archived video footage) of Lady Bunny, Wigstock founder and one hell of a drag queen. There’s another, even earlier, recording of her at a drag competition with RuPaul as a host. The earing-ripping climax where she brawls for the title will grant you a memory you’ll treasure for years, as well as an important life lesson: don’t get between Lady Bunny and something she wants very badly, like corndogs or first place.