I AM INAPPROPRIATELY EXCITED ABOUT THIS.

in everything in the country wants to kill you, no one thinks this is funny but me, Random Crap

Holy shit, y’all.  I just looked up and there was a fox in our yard.  A fucking fox.  I know this is no biggie to most people but it kind of blows my mind that we live so far out in the country that there are actual foxen that live in our hills.  Also, spellcheck refuses to recognize the word “foxen” although it is clearly a word.  One ox, two oxen.  One fox, two foxen.  This is all basic linguistic stuff here.  Also, Victor and I are having a huge argument about whether or not to feed the foxen and I say no because we have a fat little pug that I don’t want to get eaten but then Victor went and threw an apple at it and I was all “WTF?  We don’t feed the foxen” and he was all “I was throwing the apple at it to chase it away” but Victor is a tremendous liar and he didn’t go to pick up the apple, probably because he knows foxen love apple cider.  Also, everything I know about foxen I learned from “Fantastic Mr. Fox“, which was quite awesome but I suspect not completely fact-driven.  This is probably all obvious even without the explanation.

Fox in my backyard. Unafraid of flying apples or fat pugs.

Also?  Today the exterminator came back out to spray for scorpions again and he found an enormous shedded snake skin next to the house and Victor was kind of afraid to tell me about it but then I went to go look at it and it was a used paper towel.  Swear to God.  Then Victor was all “Dude.  That’s totally a snake skin.  Look at the diamond scale pattern” and I was all “That’s a textured diamond-weave to absorb more wetness.  You can tell it’s a paper towel because snake skins aren’t square and perforated” and I spread it out and then he was all “Huh.  That’s a fucking paper towel.”

This is all true, y’all.  We’re probably not going to survive the year.

217 thoughts on “I AM INAPPROPRIATELY EXCITED ABOUT THIS.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. A fox! That is pretty awesome. If I saw one here I’d be all HOLY FUCK, because we’re not *meant* to have foxes in Tasmania, but of course, there are like half a dozen running around the state, causing chaos and disbelief in newspaper comment threads everywhere.

    Anyway.

    The most interesting thing in my yard recently has been the dozen chooks and ducks decimating my garden. Not that exciting.

  5. The paper towel was clearly a decoy. While your backs were turned, the snake went inside and is now hiding in the vents. Have Barnaby Jones watch Riki Tiki Tavi like 10 times and you should be fine.

  6. LOL Victor, my hero and your quasi protector. I’m so… so afraid for you, the kid and the pets.

  7. Awws. He’s totes looking for the rabbit in your pug’s face. Lock the pug up and throw some chickens out there. Like, dead supermarket chickens, not the scorpion-eating ones or MY chickens. My chickens is good people. TEST chickens.

  9. LMAO at Victor and the paper towel. Did he previously make fun of you for something? I have a feeling that was the paper towel’s way of saying “ha ha gotcha back”.

    Or…something.

  10. That’s an awesome pic of that fox. I’m glad you’re camera is not currently broken due to a rogue ghost attack. Good luck dealing with the foxen and shedding Mr. Bounty’s wondering around the hill country.

  14. I cannot imagine living out in the country. Well, I can imagine it, but it generally looks like me driving away toward the city. Nature and I are not friends. We exist best in a state of detente.

  15. Foxen is so a word. Why wouldn’t it be? Um, the part about the paper towel is freaking awesome. I can’t help but like Victor a little. Of course I would mock him mercilessly for the rest of his days if I were his wife, but that’s another matter.

  16. What about a zebra? I secretly want to see a post about a zebra in your backyard. And on an adult note, at least there is no rumor of bed bugs in your area. Like in NYC.

  20. But if foxes happen to eat scorpions then you’re totally set.

    And if he eats anything that has to do with connectivity I have to warn you, the whole Internet is gonna be pissed. Just saying.

  21. The cat brought me a squirrel today. I too threw an apple at it but it wouldn’t go back outside. Can you bring your foxen here?

  22. You need to teach the scorpions to go after the foxen, or vis versa. Let them battle it out and negotiate your living arrangements with the winner. WHAT EVER YOU DO; don’t get rid of them both.

    If you do, the resulting imbalance in the local ecology will mean you’ll be over ran with paper towel snakes and you’ll be totally screwed.

    Those bastards feed on embarrassing people.

  23. I am very worried about your family. And you are afraid of squid! I think you have more to be concerned about in your yard.

    Foxen is an awesome word. I wonder how long before it starts flying around Twitter. I think if it circulates on Twitter long enough, it simply becomes a word.

    Heading to Twitter now to start a trend. Will give you credit, of course.

  24. And “Phone your Blog” was NOT *my* last blog. WordPress fucking LIED.

    You don’t have to approve that. I understand.

  25. All this article has done is remind me I need to watch Fantastic Mr. Fox again.

    I guess it has proved its worth…

  27. Cool to see, but foxes can be carries of rabies so maybe switch the apples for baseballs, hopefully no one mistakes a snake for a roll of paper towels, not sure how absorbent snakes are.

  28. There’s a fable about a fox and a scorpian crossing a river. Find a river, and tell them to recreate assop’s fable.

  29. Nice fox you got there… He does look a bit leary… (or is thinking WTF is that pug thing? )

    I live about 20 minutes outside of Toronto and for some reason we have foxes running around our streets (only in the middle of the night… at least I think they are real…)

  30. i thought the comment #1 was talking about the COCKs and ducks in her yard that werent exciting and i was all “but… well… that *is* exciting… or maybe scary” but then had to reread it bc i thought it was too good to be true… turns out it was.

  31. Well I’m not surprised that spellcheck didn’t like “foxen.” I hear Dictionary is a real asshole, and Spellcheck is his hetero life mate.

    The paper towel thing is hilars. The exterminator identified it as snake? You might need a new exterminator.

  32. Foxen? That can’t be good. You ever see that movie Wolfen? About New York Werewolves? Considering it’s a Foxen, you probably have werefoxes in your yard. Who aren’t green because they use way to many paper towels and then throw them on the ground. And then tell people it’s a snake.

  33. YOU’RE the fox, you sly vixen.

    The little-known Bounty Snake is extremely dangerous and known to carry away pugs and head-towel-cats, hence his name, “The Quicker Picker Upper”. Trust me, I am a licensed Whoreticulturist.

  34. They way it is holding its tail makes me think of a cross between a hyena and a monkey. Weird.

    We often have hawks circling overhead (3-4 at a time). I’m always a little worried one will swoop down and take off with our small Bulldog.

  35. that enormous bushy tale is fuckin with me. it’s like the head. of an anteater. i don’t even see fox anymore.

    and i’ll strangle any double-headed fox/anteater that messes with a fat pug with my bare hands.

  36. I’m pretty sure that fox is rabid. I certainly hope you still have James Garfield. Sit him out back and let him do his job. (which, apparently, is keeping foxen out of the yard).

  38. You want to hear something even crazier? We have spotted foxes–and wolves–in our neck of the woods, which isn’t so much neck OR woods as it is “smack-dab next to Dallas.” Also bobcats! And squirrels, which I’m pretty sure are worse than any of the aforementioned, what with them carrying the bubonic plague and everything. Good call on the paper towel.

  41. Foxen, run-a-way Bounty diamond weave paper towels, apple cores….you guys are doomed….DOOMED I TELL YOU!!!! (evil lil’ minion laugh)

    P.S. You are a hoot! …..seen any of those yet?

  42. My inlaws are pretty country and actually fed foxen (thanks auto correct for changing ‘foxen’ to ‘dozen’ five times in a row before I finally clicked the tiny ‘x’. *Thanks Apple*) for awhile. And although Arkansas doesn’t technically have bears or freaking mountain LIONS in the state, my inlaws have them out there. Suffice to say I don’t go to the car at night alone. Or without a gun. Like I could save myself though- I’d probably shoot someone in my husbands family and just make that relationship just that much more strained… Of course now I want to kill a bear or mountain lion, drive it down to the capital and scream LIARS!!! as the animal lay there spilling blood on the steps in a dramatic type fashion. Because how can they say they don’t exist when they DO. I guess they don’t get tax dollars for dangerous animals or maybe they deny their existence for liability. Whatever the reason, it’s totally sketch. What was I talking about?? Oh, yes, the foxen. They had a pack or whatever it’s called and started coming when my father-in-law whistled. Since my inlaws can’t keep pets alive the foxen weren’t a threat and became their pseudo pets. They had all the perks but none of the responsibility. It was kind of a party trick to whistle for them when they put food out. It got to the point though where the foxen came to expect it everyday and would loitter around. Then they got pucky about what they would eat and so the moral of the story is freaking shoot at that fox because they make horrible, demanding, picky pets that will eat your pug. OK, don’t *kill* the fox… Just obey the law where it says not to feed wild animals. Yeah.

  43. Wish I had foxen in my yard, but no, I just have vermin. And a basset hound. And big children. And illegal bottle rockets. Does that come even close to being anywhere near as cool as foxen?

  44. Good god, stay away from that thing. Haven’t you seen the Dee Wallace Stone 80’s classic WOLFEN?
    Second in line only to her 80’s classic CUJO.
    Do you see a theme? Good. Because Dee Wallace Stone did.

  46. That’s awesome. The only animals I’ve seen in my backyard have been rabbits.

    Oh, yeah… and chickens, goats and horses.

    Did I mention I live in the ‘burbs? NOT the country. And yet, I still have the occasional rouge rooster or goat in my yard.

  47. I’ll be that foxen swum over from the neighbor’s house just to look at the snake skin papertowel. Maybe he’s redecorating his den and wanted to check out what you guys had brought with you that he could “borrow”? This is purely a guess…

  50. We have wild boar in the valley where I live. No lie. Also coyotes. Parks & Rec once opened up this clearing in the woods and found a pile of, like, eighty cat collars. The coyotes had been snacking on them.

    It’s hard to get concerned about the environment when the environment regularly sneaks into your yard and tries to eat your cat.

  52. Ok, sure, NOW you like them. But wait until it’s 3AM, you’re in the middle of a dream about zombies ripping your face off and feeding it to the students in your English class, and you hear this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zk1mAd77Hr4

    You WILL freeze in terror and perhaps try to hide UNDER your husband. However, you will be unsuccessful because HE will be more frightened than you, and think that something evil is trying to EAT him through the window screens.

    Good luck.

  53. That makes me nostalgic. I used to live where there were foxen. We had a red fox and a grey fox that were frequent visitors. Ours didn’t like hot dogs. You should see if yours do. Believe me they are smart enough to stay away from dogs. They paid absolutley no mind to my Scottie even though she tried desperately to be appreciated.

  54. A fox!!!??? People around here (i.e. Chicago and surrounding suburbs) claim to see foxes when they go west of the city, but I have NEVER seen a real fox! I mean, not even, like, in the zoo or somewhere! I don’t think zoos even have foxen, but still… NOW I have seen one, via your photo! how big are they?!? it looks like a small dog…

  55. You are living in animal kingdom, as am I. But I don’t like my kingdom so much. In fact, I live in Florida on a lake and so we’ve got eagles and the eagles dive down into the lake and swoop up the baby ducklings and egrets and other swimming baby birds. We’ve got sandhill cranes who have 2 little babies each year and if the other wildlife don’t get to the babies first, from what the always correct internet says, the babies hate each other and will sometimes have a pecking fight until one of them is killed. I’ve got possums and armadillos and both those types of animals should be arrested for their vileness in looks alone. And they eat all the little creatures of the forest. And yes, there are foxeseses or foxen or foxies or whatever more than one fox really is, and they eat everybody in the forest. Then stupidly, I gave in to my daughter’s need for ducks. So, now I have 2 ducks who walk around my back yard all day, but we have to put them up at night or the foxenishes will eat them. I also have 3 dogs and 1 cat and on any given day, I want to kill one or all of them. And then of course, we have the leader of the food chain, the alligators in the lake who outnumber us all by the hundreds. They, if given the chance, will eat all of us.

    I live in The Killing Fields.

  56. Foxen seems a perfectly acceptable word.

    I quote from the Online Etymology Dictionary: (and yes, my nerd glasses are on)

    vixen
    O.E. *fyxen (implied in adj. fyxan), fem. of fox (see fox, and cf. M.H.G. vühsinne, Ger. füchsin).
    http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?search=vixen

    Füchsin! See? Just tell Victor you are getting all Germanic on him. He should be grateful you don’t go further than that.

  57. thats a big fox! the ones that live around me are much smaller. but watch out because ours will eat cats so your fat pug might be in trouble with those giant things around.

  61. Used to have some wild critters of the desert variety. We adopted two greyhounds and there was a sudden drop in the feral cat and ground squirrel population in the neighborhood. Quite mysterious.

  63. Here in England, foxes are urban, not rural.

    I think that means they dance. Though they never dance for me.

  64. i am dying laughing at the paper towel!!!! id be pretty over amazed 2 see a fox in my yards 2.. oh wait id need a yard first LOL.

  65. My crazy aunt used to buy us foxen wearing English riding costumes every holiday. If you ever look out in the yard and see that one wearing an English riding costume and drinking apple cider then probably you’re on drugs and that can be dangerous out in the country.

  66. It’s a coyote with malnutrition. Right? Like Texas, Houston, The Border, Wiley Coyote, etc.

    Looks just like the ones that eat cats and dogs in SoCal out of sheer frustration and lack of traditional prey on the outlying edges of suburban tract housing run amok.

    Fox? Coyote? What’s the difference, right? Just one more animal getting in the way of uncontrolled human proliferation. Pardon my despair…

  67. Are you sure the designer snakeskin paper towel was not used by Fantastically Fastidious Mr Fox after he saw Angry Bunny Forehead Dog? He may have shat himself. And then said to himself, “Oh, how thoughtful of these wannabe wilderness dwellers with pet scorpions to have left me a paper towel to wipe away my embarrassment … and oh, look, an apple for dinner!”

  68. I’m gonna make snake skins out of paper towels too but I’m gonna throw them into my neighbors yard. Just for a bit of fun.

  69. We have foxen living in the ‘burbs here in the UK. You do not even want to hear the noises they make at night — someone told me it’s the sound they make when they’re having sexy time but I refuse to believe it because they don’t sound like they’re having much fun.

  70. My husband got stung, multiple times, by a very pissed off scorpion. I took him, and the then dead scorpion (in a PB jar) to the ER. They admired the scorpion, gave my husband a tuna sandwich, and sent us home. Who knew that tuna was medicinal?

  71. You’re like the David Attenborough for Texas. I think your pug would confuse the foxen though. Is it a dog? Is it a rabbit-head? Are they both delicious?
    Who knows foxen, who knows.

  72. We’ve got foxen, badgers and squirrels in abundance here in the UK. Most of them are roadkill though. If they were alive we would have a brilliant zoo. I like them dead though, they are far more approachable.

  73. I’ve seen foxes twice here (Luxembourg . . . home of ANDY SCHLECK!!!!!) in the past two weeks while on bike rides.

    The first time I was on a ridge looking down over some fields, and there he was walking through the field in the middle of the day. I waved. He stopped. I waved again. He looked at me.

    I shouted, “Pensez-vous que l’hiver sera rude?”

    Okay, I did it in English because I couldn’t remember the line in French.

    The fox ran away, of course.

  74. I’m pretty sure you’ll survive the foxen AND the scorpion, but that exterminator? He can’t tell the difference between snake skin and a fucking paper towel, which means either his stupidity will kill you all or the exterminator thing is just a cover.

    Yes, I may have been watching far too much Burn Notice recently and live in the Australia of the “Come to Australia, you might accidently get killed” song.
    Make sure you send the details of that exterminator to somebody, just in case… well, you know.

  75. All I got out of this, really, is that diamondback rattlesnacks are not only deadly, but they can pick up spills better than the leading brand.

  77. We’re planning to move to a more country-like location. If we had foxen has visitors, it wouldn’t be so bad. But I suspect all I’m ever going to see in that area are cows. Not just ordinary cows either, but Zombie Ninja Cows.

    If I had the same sorts of conversations with my husband as you have with Victor, I, too, could have a great blog filled with interesting stories. Sadly, my husband plays a lot of World of Warcraft, and there aren’t a whole lot of stories one can write about that. Darn. Guess I’ll have to stick with my blog o’ artwork.

  78. When the Mrs. and I lived in rural Oklahoma we awoke one night to the sound of snakes getting it on among the paint cans in our garage. Aside from the phallic shape, it is hard to imagine snakes doing the nasty because, lacking limbs, how do they get any purchase or traction to get the job done? After witnessing it, I have to confess that I still don’t know. It was just too frenetic, and there were all those paint cans to spoil the view. I can say with certainty though that snakes, southern black racers in any event, knock boots with a great deal of enthusiasm and I will be forever enthralled with their ability to overcome what the rest of us would surely regard as a handicap. I did not throw apples at them because I didn’t want to distract them from their purpose even though, ultimately, that purpose was going to result in more snakes. Besides, if you think about it, snakes are supposed to bring apples to us…not the other way round.

  79. You know, if you lived in in Australia, you might walk outside and see a Croc. True.

    (*holding up a croc from my backyard*) That’s not a dangerous animal…THIS is a dangerous animal.

    Just sayin’.

  80. i’m pretty sure foxen is my new favorite word. these are the same lines of thinking that make meese the plural of moose, right?

  83. Yeah, Victor’s never going to survive. You are supposed to throw them with ORANGES, dimwit. Apples are the least intimidating of all the fruit.

  84. Um. Well, I’ve really enjoyed reading your blog. Thanks for the laughs! Sorry about how you’re gonna go out!!

  85. I have to get all serious here for a second.

    Foxes and cats are mortal enemies because cats will raid fox dens and kill the kits. If that fox catches your cat outside it will be on. Don’t know if the cat goes out but if so it’s not a good idea to have foxes around.

    True story I swear and I know because I live in Wyoming where there are more fox than people! 🙂

    Also I love living in the country so many cool animals visit. We have a doe and fawn deer that live behind our house, I love to watch them. My dogs not so much but I love them and the deer just give the dogs the finger now.

  86. You and Victor will survive just fine; however, I worry about your exterminator. I mean, isn’t he in the kind of business where one should be able to tell the difference between old paper towel and snake skin? Was it the worst “drum up extra business” ploy ever, or is he too dumb to come up with that kind of scheme? I’m going with the latter.

  87. I recently saw a fox with a cub (I hope that’s the appropriate term), and they were just gorgeous. I wonder if i had a camera, if I would be able to take a pic like that. Nice pic BTW.

  89. We have foxes (sorry, just can’t bring myself to type ‘foxen’) in our yard. Conveniently, we live in Fox Mill Estates – obviously the name drew them to our yard. Anyway, there are three of them (or, there were three – I haven’t seen all of them lately). Foxes are wonderful guests and bring the most delightful gifts – like headless rabbits and dead birds. Apparently, they like to bake their food in the hot sun for a day or two before consuming it. Barnaby Jones Pickles should not be allowed out on his own.

    Victor is a city boy, isn’t he? Do you finally have the upper hand in your relationship?

  91. According to Fox in Socks, you totally don’t need to worry unless the pug’s also classified as a poodle eating noodle. Then something about not talking blibber blubber and Dr. Seuss still wears a rubber.

  92. I was just going to tell you that that looks a lot like a coyote and he will eat you and your family, but Marinka beat me to it. Watch out, city girl.
    Love, Sarah

  93. I’ve lived in the hill country my whole life and have never seen one that close. Though I have seen my fair share of scorpions and cottonmouths.
    p.s. If my sister successfully stalks you like I know she is trying to do for the record I advised her against it. NOT my fault.

  94. That was hysterical! We had a fox once in our neighborhood. I wish I had known that foxen enjoy the refreshing taste of apple cider. I do know they love that taste of kittens. Needless to say, that was a crappy birthday for me sister!

  95. First the dictionary, now spellcheck?!?! Who the hell did you piss off?

    Anyway, that’s the scariest freaking fox I’ve ever seen! We have cute little fluffy foxen around here. That thing is like a mangy, flea & tick -infested, I’ll bite the heads off all your chickens while you sleep then I’m coming for you, Barnaby Jones PIckle, kind of fox.

    Between the foxen, the scorpions and the paper towel snakes, I’d move if I were you. I hear there’s a property with some lovely Cullen frontage for sale.

  96. He doesn’t look very good….Kind of scrawny and mangy. Are you sure he isn’t a Fox Zombie? Foxen Zombie? Wait….Foxenobie? Fuck. Wait. Can Foxen be Zombie or is that just the human breed. Great…Now I’m worried for you. Don’t throw apples at it!!!

  97. I live in MI and got married in Detroit, that night when my husband and I were looking out our hotel room which overlooks the Detroit river we saw a flippn FOXEN!! It was super amaze balls romantic to see a fox in the city with the full moon and the river…….then the phone in our hotel rings and it’s one of my drunk bridesmaids calling to tell me what whore bitches my other drunk bridesmaids are being. Awww memories…….

  98. I think you are lucky you have those samurai swords in the house. This place sounds dangerous. And just don’t call a fox “foxy.” They don’t like that.

  100. On a serious note, they do carry rabies. Make sure that your dog is up-to-date on his shots! What is really scary is that foxes chase rabbits, and now that we know about the bunny ….

  101. Well, I’m No.100 so you probably won’t read this one, being at the end of a long list of witty and interesting comments.

    Anyhoo, DON’T FEED THE FOXEN. They are smart-arsed, cunning little bastards that would eat a baby, given half a chance. One by one, they killed my mum’s beautiful white geese that roamed her garden.

    If you want to feed it, try arsenic.

  102. Jenny, I need to warn you that under no circumstances should you let the foxen in your house. Even if he dresses up as your grandma. There’s good reason for this. (For not letting the fox in, I mean. I can’t imagine there is ever a good reason for dressing up as your grandma. Not that she wasn’t lovely, I’m sure.) My husband really wanted a pet fox and through some very labor-intensive research (searching “fox” on Youtube…) I’ve come to the conclusion that everyone who lives with a fox lives in total squalor. Like on that show horders but maybe a little worse. DON’T LET THE FOXEN IN, is what I’m saying. It will totally mess up your Feng Shui.

  103. I would be more worried about the Saskwatch that is SO obvious in the back of the picture. MOVE AWAY! The fox was trying to warn you….

  104. “F” is for “foxen”

    The foxen swum to the end of the pool and they brung me a paper towel

    foxen

  106. I hate to tell you this, but we have foxen in Cambridge on the town of Belmont border. It’s a small city, but we still have foxen and raccoons. I haven’t spotted any paper towel snakes though. But we do have rats.

  107. I don’t mean to be all “negative nanny” here….But you need to fire the freakin exterminator.
    What kind of exterminator can’t tell the difference between snake skins and paper towels. I’m just saying.
    Last time he let in some vermin. Then apparently he didn’t do the job right and had to come back again to kill scorpions and then he thinks paper towels are snake skins.
    Just sayin – You’re not exactly a zoologist, but you managed to distinguish between Bounty and Snake Skin. The scorpion assassin is not very good.

  108. I didn’t read all 105 comments, so if I’m repeating something, please excuse me… or not. My point is, obviously foxen is a word… not only by way of the one ox, two oxen theory, but a female fox is a ‘vixen’, is it not? So foxen? Obv.

  109. I drove past some dead baby foxen on my way to work this morning. I was thinking about how cute it was even though it was dead and how cute it was not going to be in a few days. The same thing happened last week when my husband saw two adorable baby raccoons on the side of the same road. However, by the time I got a look at them they were just bloated hairballs. Not so cute. The only wildlife we see in our neighborhood is dead. I await the zombie roadkill apocalypse so I can actually see one of these critters walking around for once.

  110. There is this movie called Grizzly Man, and it’s about this guy who goes and lives with bears, and spoilers, eventually gets eaten by bears. It’s a true story, and most of it is his own footage, so I guess it’s sad if you’re not like me and don’t sit there thinking “you fucking idiot” the whole time. My point it, while living with the bears, he made friends with these fox pups and they were totally like dogs, and I think you could probably pull this off. Without getting eaten by foxes.

  112. still laughing about the paper towel snake skin

    my mil told us she found a snake skin out by her back door, next to the hose faucet … I went out to look and it was old whitish grey shaggy carpet pieces

  113. True story. I once hit a fox on the golf course. And a bunny. And some geese. Different golf outings. It’s not my fault the wandered onto the fairway and I suddenly connected with the ball. *sigh* I used to be a decent golfer until I could no longer go in the sun. I was a contedah!

  114. Oh my god, I grew up in a house on top of a hill surrounded by woods and we had a fox that would chill in our yard ALL THE TIME. It was my favorite thing growing up (especially after I read The Little Prince). And then one day my mom was going for a run and some lady down the street was all “hey be careful, there’s a rabid fox running around here!” because she thought that they were nocturnal and therefore if it was awake during the day it was rabid. And as she was “warning” my mom her husband left the house with a gun and guess what? MY FOX NEVER CAME BACK. Bitches.

    My boyfriend bought me a tiny stuffed fox a few months ago. He looks just like the one from my yard.

  116. And you’re trusting said exterminator to be able to find and exterminate your scorpians? I hope you have a money back guarantee…

    Good luck with all your wild life!

  118. Foxes are awesome. We also freaked out when we saw a fox recently — we live in a suburb in North Carolina. It ran right through across my driveway and to the other side of the cul-de-sac. Crazy foxes.

  119. I think foxens are just great. We live in a subdivision so I’ll never see one here, however we were completely overrun with opossums for almost a year. Unfortunately, possums aren’t nearly as cute as foxens.

  121. his tail looks excessively long, no? maybe he’s a hybrid, half fox, half………? horse?
    eeewwwww, now there’s a mental image for ya.

  123. beautiful picture. sadly, i drove past a dead red fox on the road last week.

  126. It’s totally a word this Foxen is. It’s like the plural of Moose is Moosen. Oxen, Foxen and Moosen…they are all over the place! You have cute foxen running around your landscape…will they eat snakes and scorpions? Then you won’t have to engage the Exterminator any more.

  127. Yo, Jenny, I dont think that’s a fox. I’m pretty sure it’s a Coyote.

    Or possibly a mountain lion. Welcome to the Hill Country.

  128. Umm… your exterminator sounds like a complete idiot. I am praying for you, except that I don’t really believe in anything, so I am praying to “Jeebus” on your behalf. Cool?

    When my family moved into their “house on the hill” they had a family of red foxens (hell yes, that’s a word) and I was way excited. They were awesome to hear howling at night, right outside the window. They took off after not too long though. Probably to retire to Florida or something.

  129. Ok, it’s totally NOT a grey fox, which are known to live in the United States, and look EXACTLY like the picture you’ve taken. It’s a Chupacapra wearing a fur coat. The fur coat of a grey fox it killed and whose blood it drank. I think you have a bigger problem than scorpions.

  130. Jenny,
    I use to love the fox but hate them now!
    A fox killed my chickens, in the middle of the day!!
    Then came back the next day climbed in my coop, 6′ high fence and killed the others!
    ………Paris, Nicole, The Supremes, Clara, RIP
    Then the bastard got my cat, his leg, he was in the hospital for a month!!!!
    He also killed my neighbors goose! Mrs. Goose, Mr. Goose was so sad he just died later in the week.
    Watch for B. Jones Pickles!
    I am now an official fox hater!!!!!

  131. Texas scares me. I had my first encounter with fire ants yesterday. I’m so glad I moved here without ever visiting first.

  132. This is exactly why I could never live on an acreage.

    I’m such a country life-ignoramus that I’d probably just think it was just a cute little dog and then I’d bring my dog out to go frolic in the woods with it.

  133. Using the Brian Regen rule of plurals, the plural of fox is totally “foxen”.

    “What’s the plural of ox?”. “Oxen”. “What’s the plural of box?” “Boxen. I bought 2 boxen of doughnuts.”

    Be careful with Barnaby Jones Pickles going outside!

  134. I have to admit I was a little disappointed that the fox wasn’t red. Aren’t all foxes red in cartoons? Maybe the next one, you could catch it and dye it’s fur before taking a picture? For me?

  136. When I lived in St. Louis there was a fox that used to run around near work. It lived in some bushes around this old historical house right in the middle of a grocery store parking lot. Crazy critter.

  137. I think everyone is missing out on the opportunity that said fox presents: Kill that fucker, stuff him and add him to your collection of taxidermy treasures.

  138. Of all the blogs I’ve read today …. this by far is my favorite!

    I had a moment last night. A fox moment would have been cooler. Last night I was running at dusk, and what do I find nose to nose trying to make out on the side of the road? Two skunks! Both with tails aimed for the sky ready to spray. Thank goodness I made it out alive and unscented!

  140. love the picture.

    at least it wasn’t a zombie fox like the one that wanted my brains at the cemetery.
    I’m pretty sure it also opened my apartment door the other day.

  141. True Story…I saw the same exact fox chasing a golden retriever, through a residential neighborhood at midnight, in Longmont, Colorado the third week in June. I am not even kidding! I am from the east coast, and on the east coast we have tiny red foxen, not huge mutant brown foxen. I am going to show this picture to my husband, who still doesn’t believe we saw a fox that big!

  142. do NOT exterminate the foxenes!
    they are probably just lookin around and want to make sure you are really married.
    I take you didn’t see the unrated adult Fantagasmic Mr. Fox.

  143. We have foxen out behind our subdivision in Katy area. used to run in front of our trucks when we went muddin. I don’t think it was out in the country though ’cause I could walk across Barker Cypress and be in houston. Technically. They’re the city Foxen, haha.
    That is very awesome though.

  144. Pretty sure Victor is my husband’s long lost brother. Also, foxen totally makes sense because a female fox is a vixen.

  148. Awesome picture! I totally understand you being excited about having foxen in your backyard. I remember when I first moved to NYC I was fascinated by squirrels and would take hundreds of pictures of them. Growing up in an island we were trained to run as fast as you can if you see anything furry that looks like a squirrel ’cause they are mongooses. And you only see mongooses when they are infected by rabies. Which always made me wonder whether mongooses are invisible when they don’t have rabies.

  149. US, TOO, with the foxes! Only you know what? Our yard fox had baby foxes as well. Two! Running about like tiny orange fiends. I haven’t seen them in a while but it was wonderful while they were scampering about. Less wonderful was the coyote we had in the yard just after that. And even less wonderful than that was the bear that showed up in our friends’ kitchen. I guess these exemplify the range of points on the quality of life scale, which goes from “THIS is why we live here!” to “WHY the hell do we live here?!”.

    I only just now thought to worry that maybe the appearance of the coyote had something to do with the disappearance of the baby foxes. Mrp.

  151. A foxen was a walkin’ through the yard
    When Victor threw an apple at him hard
    The bug-killer gaffed
    The scorpions laughed
    But the non-snake we’ll just disregard!!!

  152. Jenny,
    If you don’t feed the foxen they might find something a little more *puggier* to feast on, if you catch my drift.

  153. Dear God – please download Brian Regan right now! He is a comedian with a bit about how BOXEN is a word, much with the same logic that you use. Plus, he thinks if your going to be lazy to the point of using that peanut butter and jelly in a squeeze bottle, you should just shove some croutons in there too and have the sandwich on a spoon. Best.

  154. That’s a coyote and you only have to be afraid of them if you are a roadrunner.

  155. We have two foxen that come around a lot in the early morning and evening. This one time? I walked out of the basement and one of the foxen was right outside the fence! He saw me and said, “Yo. ‘Sup?” And I said, “You’re cute!” And he said, “Yeah, I get that a lot.” And then he ran off. What does it mean?

  156. No disrespect, but do you really think your husband is any more familiar with paper towels than he is with snake skins? That’s how rattlesnake skins look– the little perforations are how they get the skin off. Really, just think about it. How else would they do it? Zippers? Buttons? They don’t even have opposable thumbs! Of course their skins have those little perforations at the edge. That’s where the paper towel people got the idea, like airplanes and birds, and sweaters and sheep.

  157. I dont know who is likely to be my favorite today, Victor you or your fat pug. I mean Victor was smart enough to feed Fantastic Mr. Fox Boozy Cider (let’s call him Boggus); You’re pug was nice enough to pose as bait and you, I mean you are smarter than an archeologist..you knew the difference between bounty towel and viper skin!!!

    amazing.

  158. You are obviously very magnetic when it comes to wild life. But it’s not the fluffy bunnies, and baby birds, just the dangerous stuff that wants to eat you or sting you to death. Maybe you should start to worry?

  160. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Victor needs therapy. Only now I’m thinking electroshock more than just sitting on a couch talking.

    I might be wrong. But I doubt it.

  162. I think the plural of that fox is coyoten. All the original foxen in your neighborhood were probably eaten by the zombien. Now the only foxen in town are the ones living with Victorn. Meanwhile the coyoten are running scared, trying to distract the chupacabren by setting them against the scorpionender (that’s the correct German plural, because the Scorpionender were a German band) in a vermin death match. The scorpionendern were trying to throw in the towel, but the exterminator showed up and ruined it for everyone. Nice job, exterminator. Now the chupacabra is going to come into your home to try to finish off the scorpions.

  163. GAH! He’s all mangy and skulky. Please tell me that you took that picture with a telephoto lens?!

  165. Dude, you need to keep your camera ready at ALL TIMES. You said you saw a fucking fox, but I see no foxen engaged in acts of copulatory collaboration in your photo. I was, of course, very disappointed.

    ~EdT.

  166. I hope I am correct in assuming that Victor is very handsome, does all kinds of housework for you, and brings flowers home every night, because I am starting to wonder how smart he is…:)

  167. My neighbor feeds our foxen and I’m pretty sure they will one day eat out shi-tzu. However, we have more dangerous animals than that in Colorado. Last week a bear came in our open garage door, opened the freezer WITH ITS PAWS, and took a gallon of ice cream to the front yard and proceeded to lick it clean. Did you know bears are fond of dairy products?

  168. Seriously, I hadn’t read this when I sent you the post about hubby’s scorpion tattoo. Didn’t mean to add to the trauma. I’m honestly NOT that cruel 🙂

  169. “Not in a tree! Not in a car! You let me be! I do not like them in a box. I do not like them with a FOX. I will not eat them in a house…” Damn that Dr. Suess to hell.

  170. Next time I’m at the bagel store I’m going to ask the guy behind the counter what the plural of lox is.

    Funny, but earlier today I was re-reading your article about the trip to the art museum with the dead fox and the porn. You seem to run into foxes quite a bit. Porn a little bit less.

  173. That foxen is obviously rabid. Y’all are screwed unless you fregularly mark your territory with fresh human urine while singing “Sweet Caroline.”In harmony.

  174. Foxen are crafty—and you don’t have to live in the country. We had a warehouse down on the tide flats of Tacoma, Wa–and industrial district, and this cat hitches a ride on a lumber truck that delivers wood to us. The truck driver wanted to take it back to find the owner along his route, but it ran and hid and no one could catch it. It was likely feral. Then one day the guys are all excited because there are kittens. Then they start reporting seeing foxen, and the foxen eat the kittens. They called animal control to try to do something about the foxen, but were told that you can set a trap to catch feral cats, but no way you can catch foxen with traps. They suggested posting someone with a keen eye and a tranquilizer gun. Foxen live off the narrow green belts along the freeways and behind the businesses.

  176. Foxen, scorpions and paper towel snakes yo? You need to come move into our nice quiet Suburban and Canadian neighbourhood. All we’ve got are bunnies on our front lawn 😉 And the occasional baby skunk – which are really cute if you don’t scare them.

  177. One night I was coming home, in my little Honda (God rest her soul – she isn’t dead, just moved to town where she can more appropriately navigate the terrain) and a baby fox was running up our road. I slowed down because they are cute. (Actually, running over a chipmunk can cause serious damage to a Civic – they just aren’t built for the rough and tumble life of the rural scene… so, I didn’t want to rip off a wheel or something, so I slowed down) and the little bugger apparently thought I was on HIS path. He kept running up the road, zigging, then zagging (also not considered words, but eh) and then the feisty thing turned around and stomped his front feet at me to scare me away. (this is a wildlife thing, which I learned from the 3 baby skunks I once housed in my kitchen – another story.) Evidently Foxen are not afraid of flying apples, bunny helmeted pugs OR Honda Civics.

  179. you must be so proud of his ability to defend you with flying produce. I hope they were organic apples otherwise he’ll probably be sued by some sort of foxen defense organization for cruelty.

  180. I saw a fox crossing the street one night in my town and it had something hanging from its mouth and I said, “OMG, it’ like Nature!” Like, the show Nature, not just that the fox was nature. I was laughed at though because people can’t hear capital letters. 🙁 It was really cool to see the fox though.

  182. Foxens are beautiful animals but I’m not so sure I’d want to get too close (and careful with your cute lil pug!). Also, Victor is awesome with his mistaking a diamond-weave paper towel for a snake skin :p

  183. So, I came back, and still no foxen fucking. I am disappointed in you, almost as much as when you didn’t come up with any inappropriate vuvuzela references.

    ~EdT.

  187. Tell Victor not mess with it – RABIES!!

    Of course, if Victor contracts rabies you will have an excuse to lock him up in the corn crib while Ma and Arliss cry and beg you not to shoot him.

    Weigh your options here, Jenny.

  188. I’m confused about where the “inappropriate” part comes in. I would be TOTALLY (and appropriately) excited about a foxen in my yard. Granted, my yard is about 2 square feet and has a cat that I don’t know who uses it as his litter box and a boyfriend that tries to scare it away by pretending to be a dinosaur…. so I guess a foxen would be a welcome companion to my shit hole of a yard. But at least my excitement would be appropriate.

    Oh, and I just added “foxen” to Firefox’s dictionary. That squiggly red line annoys me.

  189. Ok, slow down on the excitement and go out quick and by a bag to put over the pugs head. I have a feeling that the fox will be far more interested in the rabbit on his face than he will the pug himself. Unless of course foxes only like happy rabbits and are afraid of angry rabbits. In that case, you & the pug should be ok since you are now protected.

  190. My boyfriend learned a valuable lesson in linguistics tonight. Warm is to warmth, as cool is to coolth. As in, “that AC is kicking out a lot of coolth.” Or, “I can feel the coolth of your heart, you rat bastard.” I can’t wait to teach him about foxen.

  191. When I saw that sly foxen, my immediate thought was “Swiper, no swipping!”
    ….Damned Dora Explorer.

  193. Although it is awesome to say foxen, that’s a coyote and right now he is so making plans to order some pug-roast and kitty-roast from Acme.com. Please keep the kitty and the puggie indoors or else you’ll need to have that whole “circle of life” conversation w/Victor again and it won’t be pretty.

  194. Not to be a story topper, but I saw a bear on the bike path yesterday. I was in my car so I could not get a picture of him. I would be 100x more freaked out by a scorpion than a fox. That is creepy.

  195. If I were wearing pants I would have peed them. I made the mistake once of trying to teach my daughter that a rooster is also called a cock. I’m just dumb enough that I did this in an antique store with a rooster statue. Maybe I need a swum-up bar for a drink.

  196. I think Br’er Fox would look nice, stuffed and mounted, right next to John Garfield. Once he got a look at the rabbit in the dog’s eyebrow, he’d fall over dead of fright…maybe.

  197. Now, for your next trick, get a real snakeskin, roll it up and put it in the bathroom and tell Victor it’s Charmin.

  198. I live in the suburbs of DC (northern VA), and I was shocked — more like scared shitless! — to find out we have foxen living in our freaking neighborhood!!! I didn’t believe my husband when he told me, but I’ve seen several now, mostly at night. My doxie stays in the house! He’s not going to be a foxen snack! One thing hubby would NEVER tell me is if he finds anything to do with a snake anywhere near our house. I would insist on moving immediately whether he and the dog came with me or not. I can deal with foxen. They have fur, and most importantly LEGS. I will not abide a snake. Fuck that.

  199. Um, time to get a new exterminator? Seriously. It is one thing for Victor to mistake a paper towel for a snake skin but the exterminator? Doin’t they have to take a test before they start spraying deadly sprays around? Watch your pug. God only knows what exotic pest he will mistake the dog for.

  202. Sometimes I find what I believe to be used condoms next to the my house. When I question my husband about this he tells me it’s the shedded skin of a “vixen.”

    Vixens are related to the foxens, no?

  203. Did you jot down the date and time?? When Victor finally admitted that he was wrong and that you were right all along? That’s why you need to carry a spycam pen with you all the time so you can record historical moment such as this.

    That fox is so gorgeous I am half convinced that it’s a lady spirit.

  204. Ox, oxen. Fox, foxen.
    Goose, geese. Moose, meese.
    Mouse, mice. House, hice.
    Index, indices. Kleenex, kleenices.
    Those all sound good to me.

    And out in the wilds of Fort Bend, we’ve got it all: foxen, coyotes, racoons, possums, skunks, squirrels, tarantulas, alligators, hawks, owls, bats, gophers, javelina, humans, dogs, cats, snakes – and that’s just what I’ve seen in MY yard.

  205. I was looking at your fox picture again and I’ve noticed its much healthier looking than the foxes in Philly. I’m thinking your fox has never eaten a big mac in its life.

  206. We had a snakeskin in our basement when we moved in. I am going to tell myself that it’s a paper towel. Yup, definitely a very long thin unperforated, not square paper towel.

    I totally feel better now.

    I mean not about the people we bought the house from – cause that’s just weird of them. But better for me.

  207. I live where we see all kinds of wildlife every day, but I love the fox that hang out once in a while the best. I think it’s because they are usually so shy that you hardly ever see them, unlike the deer who stand outside my door looking for handouts…

    cool pic…

  208. LOL about the paper towel!

    We have lots of wildlife in our yard here in California. Just this morning I saw two baby deer drinking milk from their mommy right outside our sliding glass door. I’ve seen a ton of coyote & bobcats too. Not to mention the potato bugs. Have you guys SEEN a potato bug? They are totally unacceptable. So big, I swear you could take their pulse. Freaky!!

  210. Wow! Foxes! I saw one in my apartment complex the other day and I live in the middle of an up and bustling suburbia.

    Please don’t mind my correcting: foxen is not a word. 1 fox, two foxes, male fox and female vixen.

    I really do enjoy your blog tho’

    Rock On!

  211. We have a red fox that trots through our yard periodically. And I live in the suburbs of Washington DC, not west Texas. The worst thing, though, is that at night we’ll hear him (Her?) yowling and it kinda sounds like a baby or a toddler wailing. Freaky.

  212. OK, Pam, I know that article about the fox munching on the 9-mo-old twins is not supposed to be funny, but it kinda is. I mean, how did that fox get in the house? The article makes it sound like he just walked in the door, up the steps & into the babies’ room. What kind of person with babies just leaves their front door hanging open? For fuck’s sake! However, Jenny, the best part of the whole article was Victor mistaking a quilted paper towel for a diamond-back snake! Seriously! Too goddamn funny! Still laughing!

  213. I’m too lazy to look at other comments right now so I hope this hasn’t been stated already but… I’m pretty sure Mary-Kate and Ashely Olsen have a song about this. You know, One Buffalo, Two Buffali? I sing it all the time.

    That and Brother For Sale.

    I feel like maybe these are things I should not admit.

  214. come out to my neck of the woods (and by “neck of the woods” i mean “reasonably urban residential neighbourhood”) and you will find foxes, coyotes and raccoons all over the place. it’s actually kind of a problem. i don’t know where they came from but they’re all fat and slow from living off of city garbage. well just the raccoons are. maybe that explains all the foxes and coyotes. oh and there’s deer. the deer here are assholes. they hide their babies in our public parks and then get all pissy when people’s dogs ferret them out of the bushes. i guess that’s what i get for living in canada. too much wildlife, not enough guns. don’t even get me started about the damned squirrels.

  216. Thank goodness the paper towel was not still wrapped around the cylindrical cardboard tubing or poor Victor would have lost. his. mind.

  217. Pingback: Salamanders Doin’ It | possumscatsthingsgnawingatme

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