Oh, Twilight. You’re ruining it for everyone.

Makes me sad for America.

PS.  I’m sick with some sort of plague.  We’re still in the process of  moving because we couldn’t fit everything in the moving van so my new house is filled with boxes of things that go inside furniture that isn’t actually here.  We’ve been attacked by scorpions.  I can’t find the box with my clothes in it so I had to go buy a mu-mu at the convenience store down the street.  I look like Mrs. Roper but even less sexy.  Then last night Victor and I were going to stop unpacking for a minute to go out for our anniversary but the mobile home/restaurant down the road was closed because they decided they “needed to start drinking early for the holiday”. They did invite us to come in the backyard and eat barbeque with them though.  This is all true, y’all.

PPS.  I’m waiting for that version of the Bible that says “As mentioned on South Park” on the cover.  When does that come out?

PPPS.  Our actual moving van:

Why, yes, that' *is* a giant squid ripping the moving van apart.

I couldn’t even make this shit up, y’all.

Comment of the day: Y’all, Edward did not even like that book. ~ Casey

162 replies. read them below or add one

  1. You have been blessed by the appendages of His Squidness, be happy!

  2. you know, one of those tentacles is his penis.

    furiousball recently posted And go play the game that you leared From the morning.

  3. That book cover is crazy. I hope it is some sort of sticker that an overzealous associate slapped on it.

    Love the squid!

    I hope you feel better soon :).

    BigGiantHat recently posted Insanity Beckons 2012 Hokum.

  4. That picture just made me spit out my food and howl at the ridiculousness. Team Bronte, motherfuckers!!

    Ms. Bitch recently posted Clean Up Your Inbox By Getting Rid of the Bacn.

  5. Anything that gets teenagers to actually READ is good in my book (pun intended).

  6. That makes my heart hurt for America’s youth. Seriously.

    Miss Grace recently posted Fifth Grade.

  7. The giant squid is a bad omen! And yes, Twilight has taken over just like reality TV.

    Naked Girl in a Dress recently posted Archery Lessons and a Test in Self-Control.

  8. So. I couldn’t figure out what the picture was on the Wuthering Heights cover. To me, it looks like an upright chicken carcass with something sticking out its arse. But when I looked away and then looked again, it hit me. It’s a rose.

  9. 9
    luna lovegood

    oh the squid just makes this amazing. you are light.

  10. That sticker is a lie. I refuse to believe Bella and Edward are literate. thought they probably enjoy staring at the rose on the cover. Maybe that’s why.

    At least you have the squid to protect you/your valuables from them?

    Sono recently posted Whats More American Than New Jersey.

  11. BRONTE SISTERS POWER UP!

    emvandee recently posted Roasting a chicken is a very good idea.

  12. Dare I ask where the hell you moved to? it’s not every day alcoholics admit it by “needed to start drinking early for the holiday” funny little town you moved to Mrs Roper. *snort*

    Gabriella recently posted Improving SEO- The Three Ts for Stronger Optimization.

  13. Favorite post yet.

  14. I’ve not even been in Texas very long and can tell you the “we’re gonna get our drink on so this here restaurant is closed… but hey! Come have BBQ in the backyard” really happens.

    Made up stuff would sound way more real than reality actually is. (That made my brain hurt, guess I have to go get my drink on now!)

    msdarkstar recently posted Glimpses of a path abandoned and other things.

  15. Wuthering Heights- far too happy and exciting for the angsty teen and her 100+ year old lover.

    Wicked Shawn recently posted Give Me The Volleyball- Or I Am Going To Arrest You.

  16. Your life is meant for TV.

  17. AHHHH! I though it couldn’t get any worse….but it did. This weekend our local paper had a very serious article that proves that George Washington and the founding fathers of our nation were in fact vampires.
    We are all going to hell.

  18. Is that how they’ll promote angst-ridden teenage moping now?

    “Bella and Edward’s favorite activity”

    Or maybe it could be used by the Red Cross to get people to donate blood:

    “Edward from Twilight’s Favorite Food”

  19. 1. The Wuthering Heights cover is just plain sad!!! WITW
    2. Scorpions?? Ummm…are you int he middle of the desert now?
    3. Trailor/Resturant? Again …desert? I have this vision now of “The hills Have Eyes”…yikes!
    4. On a more positive note Happy Anniversary :)
    5. I bet you rocked that Mu-Mu darlin’ !! You are bringin’g the sexy mu-mu’s back…oh yeah!

    Tickled Red recently posted Asleep on the Job…Literally-.

  20. I wonder what Jacob’s favorite book is.(?)

  21. I’m still not reading that book!

    Tony recently posted Sponsored Tweets- Are you selling out.

  22. I’d like a picture of you in the moo-moo, please.

  23. I would rather screw my ex husband one more time than *ever* move again.. and lemme tell you, if you’d ever screwed him.. you would know….. that is lay there and try to look interested shit.

    Holly B recently posted Race Fan Meets Race Girl.

  24. When is there going to be a reality tv show about a woman trying to find her Edward? No lie, one day while running the register this lady on her cellphone (please don’t rush to judge her too harshly, the beheamoth was merely acting according to the social rules of those upperclass folk that frequented that store, unlike us little folk who appreciate a gracious smile from the humble cashier staring down her shirt…anyway) to someone on the other end whom I could only assume was trying to set her up. “No…because I’m not interested…I’m perfectly happy with my vibrator…because I don’t have to give it a blow job, THAT’S why…no…NO…because I SAID so…dammit it’s because he’ll never love me the way my Edward loved Bella, that’s why!” and then she walked away, never to be seen again.

    The moral of this story, of course, is never be afraid to state down the shirt of a woman with a nice rack because you don’t know when you’ll see her again.

    Uriah recently posted To Apple- Thanks for Nothing- Uriah Odell.

  25. I forgot to add………… Edward Cullen needs a Silkwood scrub and a comb for his nasty hair.

    Holly B recently posted Race Fan Meets Race Girl.

  26. Dear Jenny,

    When the moving van says, “Brought to you by Cthulu.” Call me. I will drive 200 miles to see that shit.

    Tony’s Book of the Month: Bookreading for Dummies.
    ;)

    -Tony

    Tony Hunt recently posted BP’s unveils newest weapon against the tragic oil spill.

  27. What is the relevance of the Octopus ripping open the moving van? Its like they set up this moving company and couldn’t think of a brand, and one of them was watching a wildlife programme and said ‘hey! we should have a picture of an octopus ripping open the vans as our logo’. WTF?! Come to think of it, why did you choose a moving company with that as their logo? Doesn’t it make you nervous about your possessions?!

    Annie (Lady M) x recently posted Another gadget bites the dust just call me the Gadgenator.

  28. Thank Jebus — As a Canadian, after moving last weekend myself, and having to absorb nuggets of American history from my U-Haul truck, it’s nice to see the scales are balanced when you Americans are force fed Canadian infobits! Although a giant squid looks more interesting than the blurb I got on Sacajawea.

    Edutainment reciprocation!

  29. Little known fact: Emily Bronte’s favorite book was He’s Just Not that Into You.

    Bridget Callahan recently posted The Vega Colony.

  30. First, what are the chances that Bella and Edward’s favorite book is actually the same book? With him being many hundreds of years old and her being just a teenager, I am thinking that cannot possibly be true.

    Second, your Uhaul came all the way from Newfoundland? Is Newfoundland known for squids? I am confused.

    Dani recently posted It is Like that Movie Mean Girls Except No One Knows What the Hell I Am Talking About-.

  31. It’s true. As a professional bookseller, I can attest to the fact that several classics have been re-covered in maudlin red, black and white and touted as Bella and Edward’s favorites.

    And if I told you what crap teens were regularly choosing to read – if anything – you’d swallow that vomit in your mouth and be glad that at least they are being tricked into reading a few pages of something other than rich teen girls getting fingered through their expensive panties by their mom’s pool boy from the other side of town.

    Of course, there’s the whole zombie Jane Austen series.

    Why kids choose this crap over the real deal or something absolutely fabulous like Hunger Games, I’ll never know. If I were 14 years old and reading Hunger Games, my head would explode. Katniss could kick Bella’s skinny, bloodless rump through the moors and back again. Two times.

  32. I find this a very fitting thing to say here, since it fits in with two things you said/showed:

    Blame Canada!

    Alison recently posted I finally made pocket pies-.

  33. It had never occurred to me that book-burning could be a good thing… until now. Gah.

    Hi, I'm Natalie. recently posted Single-Parent Camping With Baby.

  34. The giant squid on the van is to scare off any hobos who might try to steal your stuff. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s what it’s for.

  35. The Odyssey, endorsed by Homer Simpson?
    I agree that anything that gets teens reading has to be good. But bloody hell, Wuthering Heights?

    Sandrine recently posted Its a girl thing-.

  36. Now if we fed Bella and Edward to the giant squid while they were reading Wuthering Heights—I’d seriously pay to see THAT movie.

    Lisa recently posted Wax On.

  37. Yeah squids are just in general nothing like a similar looking species commonly known as octopussy. While squids aren’t really a turn on for me, Three’s Company references really “do it” for me (even Mrs. Roper, but not the one who played as Don Not’s wife, but the other one, who played the same character I have pictured once or twice while entertaining myself)
    :)

    dirt clustit recently posted accompanying.

  38. Now Twilight is ruining the classics? Great.

    Last week I was in Barnes and Noble. I passed by a giant Twilight display on the way in. I checked the clearance tables, which included a large Twilight umbrella (I’m glad to see there are some things even Twilight fans won’t buy). I passed by another Twilight display on the way to the YA section. Of course, half the YA shelf was plastered with Twilight books. There was a woman near me who asked an employee, “Where are the Twilight books?” It took everything in me not to lose it. I try to avoid the series, but couldn’t. How did she miss ‘em?

  39. That is so cheesy of whoever decided to throw in how Wuthering Heights is Edward and Bella’s favorite book. Edward and Bella don’t even fucking exist nor do the freakish characters in the book that’s their favorite…..

    Feeding into fantasy in real life could be deadly…. Edward hunts live animals and sucks their blood. Bella’s in love with a corpse….

    What next????

    Roschelle recently posted So If This Ends Badly.

  40. Love never dies and neither do vampires.

    A Vapid Blonde recently posted This Is What Happens When You Find A Grilled Sausage In The Silverware Drawer.

  41. And I meant to add that it makes perfect sense that It’s one of Edwards fav’s.

    A Vapid Blonde recently posted This Is What Happens When You Find A Grilled Sausage In The Silverware Drawer.

  42. Had to jump down to respond to @Walkingborder (Karen)’s comment: YES!! If that kid (um, young man…) from Sh*t My Dad Says can get A) a book and B) a TV SHOW! with WILLIAM SHATNER!! , you, our wonderful Bloggess, deserve no less. Who do we write to about this??
    :-)

    Gurukarm (@karma_musings) recently posted What to Read Next… if you- or someone in your life- are 5ish – or even if not-.

  43. ” they decided they “needed to start drinking early for the holiday”. They did invite us to come in the backyard and eat barbeque with them though. This is all true, y’all.”

    I nearly DIED laughing…

  44. There was a period of time when I was a kid when I hoped to be just like Mrs. Roper when I grew up, only without Mr. Roper. I wanted to wear all kinds of bright plastic jewellery and flowing mumus and have that curly, bright red, fancy 50s bathing cap hair.

    Sometimes, it’s good that dreams don’t come true.

    schmutzie recently posted Surprise Date Night.

  45. Yes! The Giant Squid U-Haul! That one’s my favourite. I’ve always imagined that, in the event that I am finally able to move out of my parents’ house, I’ll be lucky enough the get the squid too.

    Colour me jealous.

    Jam recently posted An interlude plus Jam in America- partie une.

  46. I don’t know, dude. I wouldn’t eat the BBQ. “Fried Green Tomatoes” ruined it for me forever.

    Sarah p recently posted Morning glory.

  47. I believe you about the Squid.. but only because I saw it next to Papa Johns on Pennsylvania Ave. DC while I was on my way to the Comic Book store.

    DarkTouch recently posted Happy Birthday Caleb.

  48. Who the hell is Bella and Edward?

  49. It’s like you can’t avoid squids no matter what you do.

    Me either.

    GuiltySquid recently posted Let’s just assume I’m an asshole before things go any further I think that will make things much easier for everyone Thanks.

  50. 53
    sosocratic6

    1. Scorpions?! Wtf? 1st the blackwidow now Scorps? (take a pic)
    2.Hey, Mrs. Roper was FLY. I LOVED her style, almost as much as Maude’s w/ the flowi-ness and flowing scarves, et al. I’m sure ur rockin the mumu.
    3.Happy Anniversary BLG (BLG=Bloggess cus I know you like that;) and good luck finishing moving and the continuation of the ‘postponed’ nervous breakdown’-you’re so worth all of it BLG, just don’t let Victor brainwash you away from twitter ok?

  51. The Mormon lady who wrote Twilight says that Bella and Edward are like Heathcliff and Cathy. I really hope it turns out that way because – spoiler alert – Cathy fucks some rich dudes and Heathcliff totally kills a puppy. Just what the Twilight saga needs.

  52. 55
    sosocratic6

    WTF?!! Just read comments after I posted mine–> Tickled Red (#20) are you my comment e-doppleganger or what? If I find you have an obsession with Acronyms+Abbreviations AND numbered lists, then we have to be sure to NOT comment on the same posts.;)So funny.(Now back to regularly scheduled Bloggess love)

  53. Of course the squid was easting your moving van. It’s a CANADIAN squid. There really doesn’t need to be any other explanation.

  54. So, why didn’t you just rent another moving van? One with a picture of a big sperm whale on the side? That way they could have fought an epic battle, and you could tell some jokes that included “sperm”. Because, you know, you just want to.

    ~EdT.

    Ed T. recently posted ¡Felíz Cumpleaños- Venezuela-.

  55. I lost some respect for the publishers of Emily Bronte just now.

    That, and threw up in my mouth a little.

    You gotta watch those squids; they’re bastards. First they are ripping your moving van open and then before you know it, they are eating your popcorn and sleeping with your husbands. Slutty squids.

    Kendahl recently posted Getting To Know You- Getting To Know All About Youuuuuuuuu-.

  56. So basically, they’re saying that the items within the van are safe, UNLESS of course, you come across a giant squid, and then it is going to tear your shit up? Great advertisement, UHaul.

    Erin recently posted Pledge.

  57. Ugh that picture makes me so sad. I agree with an earlier comment though, Red Cross could really use that kind of marketing. ‘Feed the Cullens of the world!’

    It’d totally work.

    thegirlwithabow.

    Ps. You may need to call Animal Control about the squid

  58. Ugh. Twilight. I have yet to feast myself with vampires that shimmer like glitter. Never going to happen. Ever.

    I sure hope you feel better! I have to ask — Did you run into a Zombie lately and did he stab you? That seems to be the only reason for the plague.

  59. so, you should totally see this from failbook. I look at the stupid things like everyday.

    http://failbook.com/2010/07/04/funny-facebook-fails-only-win-well-ever-need/

    Besides.. in a texas backyard bbq, the rule is you smell it, you go over introduce yourself and have either beer or some good Hard alcohol to share. or at least it was on my street.

  60. I hate Twilight. I actually wrote about how I didn’t like it. Grrrr

    Melissa recently posted Sundays In My City- Moose Edition.

  61. Is Newfoundland known for its giant squids? And, if so, why is this the first I’ve heard about it? Also, they should play that shit up!!!!

  62. Seeing that book cover made me want to commit random acts of violence.

  63. love the van. does the octopus help loading and unloading?

    angelica recently posted The princess and the frog.

  64. That squid van looks like it comes from Newfoundland. Isn’t that what it says? And Newfoundland is in Canada. I know, because I’m a Canadian. Which means that, not only do squid live in Canada, but your van is lost.

    Mary @ Holy Mackerel recently posted Who knew that chemistry could suck the life out of a person like this And- while on the topic- I wonder what that chemical equation would be.

  65. OMG, your furniture is being moved by the Kraken? Legendary.

    Mommy @ stark. raving. mad. mommy. recently posted Little Specks of Autism.

  66. Hey….

    I just wanted to let you know… you didn’t have your “shit i was doing while i wasn’t here” wrap up… :'(

  67. Okay, I guess the fact that the van is from Newfoundland may be the reason for the ginormous squid. It’s a coastal province. Heh.

    BBQ in a muu-muu on your anniversary… what fun!

    Nenette recently posted weaponry for the 8th- a birthday post.

  68. This almost a insult to the novel (which, by the way, is amazing.) It’s disrespecting a classic work with a cheap nod to commercialization.

    Ryan recently posted Wikipedia Down for Unknown Reason.

  69. I thought Bella and Edward couldn’t fucking read.

    muskrat recently posted a farewell to balls.

  70. I’m still trying to figure out how Edward kept from freezing Bella’s vagina with his icy penis. And now I’m supposed to read Wuthering Heights, too?

    LisahGolden recently posted I Started Something.

  71. I was going to say that the squid is obviously *a sign,* but then I realized that it is probably *a sign* of very, very bad things to come in your new home. So probably I should just not comment at all. Enjoy your new home!

    Shana recently posted BBQ Fail.

  72. As someone who is from Newfoundland (love the moving van), I can vouch that the giant squid does exist. I’ve seen one – in person….well, it was preserved in a tank behind glass – at the Marine Studies centre (I believe that’s where it was anyway). Just imagine the calamari — then the giant squid isn’t so scary anymore!

    Sheena B (aka KanataNewf) recently posted Getting Sketchy with Jillibean Soup.

  73. I want to die in a muumuu.

  74. I feel ripped off.

    My moving van had an octopus on it.

    How much extra did you have to pay for the two extra legs?

    moooooog35 recently posted The Nifty Snowman Sweater.

  75. it’s hard to beat mrs roper in the sexy department. she’s the icon of suburban sexy.

  76. “Makes me sad for America” mad me laugh out loud; and cry a little, because it really IS sad.

  77. I have no idea who Mrs Roper is, so I googled her and got a picture of Nicole Richie. Looks sexy enough to me.

    mr farty recently posted Computer Terms Illustrated.

  78. My typos also make me sad. ;-)

  79. The thing about Wuthering Heights though, is that it ENDED. Eventually.

    harmzie recently posted Holding On By Letting Go.

  80. I used Hentai Removals too. They’re awesome.

    kyknoord recently posted The wheel of life.

  81. And not long ago my husband says, “It’s a slight possibility that I could be reassigned to Houston for a year or so on an upcoming project.”

    Shudder. Squids? Scorpions? Plague? Mu-mu suburban dress codes? (Trailer slash eateries though is totally in keeping with my Iowa upbringing.)

    But I can totally see Edward digging on Heathcliffe. Two whiny (shiny) emo-buds.

    annie recently posted The Annual Summer Purge.

  82. Feel better, Jenny! Away with the plague!

    Lena.FM recently posted Work vs sexy times.

  83. Cracking up over the book + van. Hope you get better soon!

    Esther Crawford recently posted Momversation Spin-Off Casting For Weekly Series.

  84. Moving in Texas looks way dangerous. I bet those Giant Squids are quite helpful with moving…you know in a very scary kind of way. Did any of the Zombies help you move?

    Jenn recently posted A Mood Stolen From A Book.

  85. In some ways, Twilight is the new Wuthering Heights. Only bad.

    Margaret recently posted Wait- We Cant Just Drink Until Morning Anymore.

  86. Bronte is turning over in her grave.

    Janis @ Sneak Peek At Me recently posted Just Sayin Saturday- She-roes.

  87. “From 1870 to 1880, many squid were stranded on the shores of Newfoundland. For example, a specimen washed ashore in Thimble Tickle Bay, Newfoundland on November 2, 1878; its mantle was reported to be 6.1 metres (20 ft) long, with one tentacle 10.7 metres (35 ft) long, and it was estimated as weighing 2.2 tonnes.”

    From Wikipedia. So it must be true.
    Altho: Thimble Tickle Bay–you can’t make that shit up!

    Dear The Bloggess–Love you!

  88. Moving into a new house can be fun when you meet your new roommates (scorpions). When I moved into my house I had many of these beauties, http://www.flickr.com/photos/35113172@N00/1326431383/in/set-72157600292728022/.

    BTW, wouldn’t it be so much cooler if you kept finding The Scorpions rather than just old scorpions?

  89. To coin a phrase: No, just no.

    For Christ’s sake, when will the madness end?

  90. If that’s what it takes to get teens to read the classics, then- yay!

    The UHaul near us has a truck with a huge scary green alien on it. I love it.

    emily recently posted A hard day.

  91. Don’t you have like, a squid issue? Or is that octopusses? (octopii?)

    Only you.

  92. The Newfi’s have the funniest joke anyone has ever heard, that starts:
    My Squid has no nose…

  93. 96
    Horiizzon

    Yikes scorpions?? what next locusts?? Is it just me that sees this as somewhat apocalyptic.. or just another day in the life…
    at least you have already met your new best friends ..the purty neighbour with hot mumu dress sense is bound to be the talk of the town already!

  94. I just wrote a book called “How to Tear the Metallic Uterus of Your New Human Wife with Your Teeth: Midwifery for Vampires” and there is a sticker on it that says “As practiced by Edward and Bella!”

    Go to the Regal Beagle and I bet you get all the free drinks you can handle.

  95. 98
    doug richardson

    Karen (#17) is right…you should sell yourself to Showtime or HBO. The hilarious and quirky “Weeds” has nothing on you.

    I’m serious, Ma’am…work on it.

  96. My daughter is so confused by those U-Hauls. They have a bunch across the road. The one with dinosaurs and Connecticut really bugs her. She is pretty sure that the fossil finds for dinosaurs in Connecticut is pretty low, but we have yet to research this. I guess there could be squids off the coast of Newfoundland.

    Mikeporterinmd recently posted Can’t Wait for Breakfast.

  97. oprah book club – watch out!

    Simone recently posted Real men dont cry.

  98. 101
    Britters

    i read twilight a while back and thought it was ok. then it took off as the next best thing and i’m totally confused bc SERIOUSLY?? THE SECOND OR THIRD BOOK IS ABOUT BELLA GOING THROUGH MENTAPAUSE!!! no joke. and besides that, does no one else think it’s wierd that the author chose a 17 yr old boy to be the male lead?? what weirdness is going on there? and she completely rewrote ALL pre-existing vampire lore. so really, WTH? i mean… what’s the obsession,exactly?? i just don’t get it.

    ps. the movies were utter crap. period. they suck, and not just blood.

  99. Holy crap, I saw those book covers in the store just last week, adn thought the same thing! What a way to whore yourselves out, Mr and Ms Publisher, and put those jerkwad teen vampires on to the classics!

    Oy that made me so not even want to buy those books – Bella’s favourite, said one tagline – Bella is stupid! And not a real person!

    Aaaargh!

    Brahm (alfred lives here) recently posted The All-New Wonder Woman-.

  100. That squid reminds of the time you found out about that guy who likes to have sex with dead squid and he wanted to find a girl who would have squid sex with him. Then I happened to stumble upon an erotic picture of a squid and a girl by *accident* and now the story doesn’t seem that far fetched, there is obviously a market there for it and now UHaul is on it. Then there was that awful made in Canada movie (title forgotten but it had that dude from Dawson’s Creek in it…something Van Der Beek I think) and it was about a serial killing squid terrorizing a small fishing community. The acting was horrible (much like the Twilight books). Needless to say I’m sure the next literary niche will be about squid. Maybe the squid will eat Bella and high five Edward like a bunch of times, you know one high five per tentacle and then Emile Bronte can live happily aver after but she’s dead so really… I have no point here. I’m scarred for life about the squid sex. Thank you.

  101. Next up is actually the English dictionary with a sticker “The language desecrated by Stephanie Meyer in Twilight”

    LaraLev recently posted You can pray your fat away.

  102. You can’t possibly have had that moving van.

    I visited the aquarium with the kids yesterday and thought of you a couple of times. I now have colleagues in far flung nations sending me photos of octopi knick knacks from their phones because they know I like them (at least the cute ones). We need an anti-squid charm for you.

    Lady M recently posted Sealife- the Real Kind.

  103. 106
    michellebelle

    Is that even legal? Team Giant Squid!

  104. That book cover made me gasp in horror. Really? REALLY??? Whose idea was this? You know, J.K. Rowling never whored her characters out like that. And she can actually write.

    Megan @Momlarky recently posted Stylin.

  105. Where is the pic of the mumu? (I often wonder where people buy those) This is the first time in decades I’ve not moved every 2.5 years on the dot so I am jealous of your nightmare experience… our favourite moving mishap? Oh, maybe the time I was 7 mths pregnant and driving in an ice-storm with my infant son… or maybe the time the moving van showed up and we realized it was not large enough… or maybe the time we finally made it through a blizzard to our new house but the truck got stuck on the long country driveway so we just abandoned it and walked thigh deep in snow to the door where we collapsed and slept on the floor… (that snow ended up in our basement come spring and we then learned a whole lot more about sump pumps than we ever wanted to know)….

    All the best in your new place… scorpians beat the wolf spiders we had… hope you manage to shake off the plague…

  106. The funniest thing I ever saw on twitter went something like: “Soccer is a lot like Twilight. Everyone runs around for two hours, nobody scores and its billions of fans claim you just don’t understand.” Well, second funniest thing. There was that time I said that thing about Bill Cosby. Wait… that wasn’t me. Come to think of it, it wasn’t even about Bill Cosby. I can’t even remember who it was about, but the point is, Bill Cosby is pretty funny.

    MayoPie recently posted Batman- Inside the cave 5th Edition.

  107. I think Twilight is making it *better* for everyone.

    Any method that makes it easier to discern who to never engage, I am all for. Holding that book? I’m moving on with my life.

    Unless, of course, a cursory glance reveals the possibility of a large penis. But not squid large, because I’m a lady.

    fuck yeah, motherhood! recently posted Sometimes People Pay Me To Do This Please Don’t Tell Them There Is A Whole Internet Full Of Me.

  108. I am from Newfoundland which, in addition to its giant squid population, is home to the communities of Dildo, Goobies, Spoon Cove, and Conception Bay. It is also an amazingly beautiful island with many hilarious and friendly people and a whole lot of rum – you should all come visit.

  109. Jenny. I feel for you. Happy Anniversary! Well, I am happy for you about that part, just not the moving part. If you ever run out of clothes in La Pine, Oregon: Go to the store called The Outpost. They also have cheap cigarettes.

    Kathy

  110. Mr. Farty: I don’t know how old you are, but if you can watch Three’s Company reruns, you will find Mrs. Roper (and Crissy, aka Susanne Sommers).

    Kathy Matthews recently posted .

  111. Your U-Haul looks like maybe a calamari food truck vendor…… if such a glorious thing existed.

    Naturally Alise recently posted Blog Poetry Slam 54- Gravity.

  112. Best looking M’Van ever!! – But seriously; scorpions!? I like the arctics… where they’ve got like… penguins and shit…

  113. Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear.

  114. Twilight is indeed ruining it for everyone. Don’t know if anyone else has already sent you this, Neil Gaiman is cutting a vampire character out of his next novel because Twilight made vampires not scary. :-(

    http://www.bamkapow.com/neil-gaiman-cut-character-due-to-mainstream-vampires-4613-p.html

    K

  115. Where the Hell did you move that they have mu-mus at the convenience store? Are you in the boonies now with a Dollar General being your go–to store? BTW- I really like the giant squid. Every time I’ve moved it’s had something like Williamsberg, VA on my van- just fabulous! Pilgrims are so exciting!

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted I’m in research mode now….

  116. Twilight is the delight for people.

  117. I had the plague in April. I’m sorry you have it now. It must be going around in a generally eastward migratory pattern.

    Just like the plague, wait to pounce on innocent women trying to move and make them wear mu-mu’s.

    (I wasn’t trying to move though, I was trying to make Easter dinner. Generally, the plague seems to pounce upon people who are trying to be – or seem – industrious. It’s why the mu-mu is then so effectively oppressive.)

    Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points recently posted And Somehow This is Progress.

  118. They should remake Wuthering Heights with sparkly ghosts and giant squids. Also, Giant Squid vs. Mega Shark was on scifi this weekend. It was awesome. I don’t know if anyone else suggested making Heathcliff a giant squid, because I don’t read your comments anymore. There are too many of them, and my attention span is like… OH! BUTTERFLY!!!!!!!! … p.s. feel better, killah.

    HannahBanana recently posted Kitty Repost.

  119. Well, about the book…You can not think highly of the sticker “Bella and Edward’s favourite book” (which I don’t either), but if that sticker can make young people read beautiful classics that they wouldn’t have considered otherwise, then so be it, let them knock themselves out :-)

  120. The photo of that sort of droopy-looking flower is just going to encourage more people to call it Withering Heights. I have enough of a problem with people who say “liberry” when they talk about that big building with all the books.

  121. Let me know when that bible comes out. I may start reading it again if I can say “doh!” every time I see a sin I’ve committed.

  122. As much as that makes me want to bash my head into a table repeatedly until the demons stop whispering, I also feel like “Eh… If it makes some snotty teenager who only wants to read crap written in the past three years pick up one of the best examples of Romantic literature, well, cool.”

  123. When I donated blood, they put a sticker on it that said “Edward’s Favorite Drink!!!” With a picture of him giving a hearty thumbs up.

  124. Your move came with a “side” order of calamari?

    Lucky girl!

    Lookie Lou recently posted Ooohhh La La- Hot Celebrity Gossip- Hot Hook Up Alert- Kim Kardashian and A Boxer-.

  125. That is the same exact design the U-Haul I rented last month had. When the guy handed me the keys and said my truck was the one with the octopus on it, I squinted outside at it and told him I was pretty sure it was a squid. He then said, “Umm… ok? The thing with tentacles.” Does no one watch the Discovery Channel anymore?!?

  126. Edward and Bella are ridiculous.

    What I want to know is what Peeta and Katniss are reading!!…or have you not read The Hunger Games? Because you should. Move over Edward and Bella there’s a NEW tween love triangle in town!!

    Mama Kat recently posted Your Assignment- Should You Choose To Accept.

  127. ok i didnt read the 123 comments before mine to check if anyone had already mentioned this, but do you know how much Twilight is REALLY RUINING EVERYTHING?!?! Well it really ruined one guy’s life by KILLING HIM in the movie theatre. That’s right, a 23 year old guy died while watching Eclipse.

    http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10656817

    I’m going with “died of boredom.” Discuss.

    Lusty Reader recently posted The Daughters- by Joanna Philbin.

  128. Never in my life, did I think I could hate Twilight anymore then I already did. Until now…

    Rebekah Mae recently posted Update-.

  129. I can’t wait for the Twilight “saga” to be over. I am at my wits end.

  130. I’m just glad to know I can stop worrying about you.

  131. I didn’t know you were moving to my neighbhorhood! Welcome!

    Please tell me you went to the backyard for what certainly would have been BBQ-ed cat meat and Beer+Clamato.

    Busted Kate recently posted Glad To Stop Sticking Things Up My Lady Biz Or- Welcome Back Cooter.

  132. Actually, all you non-Twilighters, it is NOT Edward and Bella’s favorite book. Edward kind of hates it. But if the publishers had instead said, “Lindsay Lohan’s or Lady Gaga’s favorite book” no person in their right mind would have believed that!

    Happyhourmary recently posted Sunbird Restaurant.

  133. There are things out there that haven’t even been discovered yet . . . or just now.

    PS As a teacher of struggling readers, The “Twilight” series has been a jumping off point for some. I had a boy who refused to read, we watched from the baseball scene (MUSE!!) to the end of the movie one day in class. He asked to borrow the entire movie. He asked to borrow the books. I could then suggest other books he might like. Hopefully someone in these students’ lives takes the opportunity to take the reader to another level. I’m truly sadden when the student just makes it to first rung. THAT is why “Twilight” CAN be a good thing?!

  134. i truly feel your pain, sister. moving is, without question, the WORST. i moved last december right before xmas and during the entire process i kept repeating “we will never move again, we will never move again”. you KNOW it’s bad when you start envying the lives of the transient and homeless despite that whole BEING WITHOUT A HOME part…

    steff recently posted Weekend Bee-ject’s 23.

  135. Y’all Edward did not even like that book.

    Casey recently posted I love summer music.

  136. It’s all clear to me now. You now what I hated before the Twilight movies? Wuthering Heights.

    Jerseygirl recently posted True Confession Tuesday VI and VII- A Special 2 Part Episode.

  137. The rose on the cover looks like an ass crack. -/

  138. 143
    Michelle

    Last time I saw pics of your new house it was a plot of land, did I miss something? Is the new place finished or is the squiddy van your new home????

  139. My husband just complained about the fictional vampire today on his blog. You are in sync. That scares me….he says that vampires are meant as a metaphor for male sexuality…..He was also appalled by the reference on Wuthering Heights. Unless it sells Wuthering Heights. Because….he likes to move books.

    Kettletop recently posted Predator.

  140. I believe that Buffy the Vampire Slayer is Edward and Bella’s favorite book because she did the whole human loves a vampire thing first. But with less angst and more stakes for annoying vampires.

    They really need to read Pride and Predigest and Zombies. Now THAT is classic literature!

    Condo Blues recently posted CSN Stores Gift Certificate Giveaway.

  141. 146
    sweetntwisted

    Please , oh, please tell me that “Predigest” is misspelled, because, really, you just couldn’t make that shit up. :)

  142. My kids catch on fire and start melting into a puddle of bile if Twilight is mentioned in their vicinity.
    On the other hand, their obsession with Russell Brand is starting to concern me.
    If not for their mental health then my own sense of competition.

    Jennifer June recently posted Born Free.

  143. I’m waiting for someone to deliver a prize to me for being the only person that has no clue and no interest in the entire Twilight series.

    That’s either going to earn me a round of applause or a nice weekend stay in our local loony bin

    jessica recently posted Humiliating Moment Number…I’ve Lost Count.

  144. 149
    Mandela'sMom

    The first two movies have given us GREAT soundtracks though.

  145. I’m going to try to forget that you posted a picture of Wuthering Heights in relation to Twilight. In fact, I’m going to try to forget this whole post. Maybe if I chugged my bottle of homamade vanilla extract it would help.

    Hettar7 recently posted Sometimes Yaks Kick.

  146. Huh. I thought The Kama Sutra was Bella and Edward’s favorite book. Oh wait…that’s totally wrong.

    Mrs. P recently posted Mrs P Is Down With The Kids.

  147. All Canadian moving vans from that company have giant pictures of some kind of animal on them. The one with the snakes freaks me the hell out.
    You’re still funny as shit!

  148. First, I want to apologize for being SO incredibly amused at your fear of giant squids. Because, seriously, have we even ever seen one alive? I thought they were incredibly elusive (correction: The first EVER image of a live giant squid was taken in 2004. See? We’ve had underwater cameras for how long and we’re only JUST getting pictures of these massive bad boys? Nothing to worry about). ANYWAY, I am an artist, on occasion, and am currently working on a mural in the 7th bedroom of a friend’s house (because it wasn’t being used, and who doesn’t love painting/drawing/smearing food on walls?). The subject matter of this painting is, you guessed it, a giant squid. He’s fighting a sperm whale. It’s an epic battle. I specifically included a photo in my latest blog post so that you could look at it and feel hopeful that one day the sperm whale may manage to eat the giant squid into extinction. Or decide you like squids, because he’s all pink and adorable.

    Slagathor. Kidding, it's Lindsey Locke recently posted In Soviet Russia- brain scatters you.

  149. […] Really, I can’t think of a better book for Bella and Edward than Wuthering Heights… […]

  150. Twihearts won’t like that book. Words are too big, characters think, and everyone is sadly just human. Also, no vampire diamond giz.

  151. Ha, ha! I’ve seen this book before, too. Yeah, it’s crazy, but I say if it gets people reading “real” literature, then so be it. (And I am not even trying to trash Twilight because I am actually a fan, but I’m also a fan of real literature. Contrary to uninformed-belief, you can like Twilight and good literature at the same time. You read Twilight for the fun – not the mind-expansion, ya’ll.)

  152. […] into the wash it all went. I may not be in Texas getting attacked by real scorpions like some other bloggers we all know, but that doesn’t mean I’m down with poser scorpion slumber parties either. After all, […]

  153. OK-
    1) I just moved last week , so I feel you. Not really feel you, becuase that might get me arrested, but you get the idea.

    2) THANK YOU. FOR REAL. I saw that copy of Wurthering Heights at the store and verbally scoffed and everyone around me looked at me like I personally killed Jesus.

  154. […] Oh, Twilight. You’re ruining it for everyone. – Just…no. […]

  155. I’m from Newfoundland and I see those moving vans all the time. In Vancouver.

  156. that van is lost !!! Newfoundland – most eastern part of North America. If you like drinking and not giving a shit then its your kinda place. If you are fast paced and high maintenance I dear you to walk our streets in heals

  157. 162
    Lady Penelope

    Oh. My. God.
    My Bloggess inside a giant squid van?
    As I live and breathe …

    The only thing better would be a van with the slogan WOLVERINES.

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