This morning my friend Kevin sent me a link to a post someone wrote about me in Danish and I was all “Oh I don’t read posts where people are talking about me in foreign languages because I always assume they’re saying terrible thing about me because I’m not on enough anxiety medication” and then Kevin was all “You have problems. And anyway, it’s partly in English so you can probably figure it out”. A direct quote from the blog:
“Listen er slet ikke udtømmende (hadehadehadeord) – så hvad er det bedste du har læst derude? Jeg beder dig tippe mig vej til de vildeste ordekvilibrister og ondeste historiefortællere. For the love of God. Og man må gerne anbefale sig selv. Just so we’re clear.”
Yeah. Totally clear. But by then I was intrigued so I did an online translation and the computer translation explained that he called me a “wild ordekvilibrister” but it wouldn’t translate it any further and I assumed that was probably because “ordekvilibrister” is a horrifically offensive slur that isn’t recognized by polite translators and then I got obsessed because what-the-fuck-does-that-word-mean? and also because I find it helpful to learn curse words in every language but then I finally found it on wikipedia and turns out…
UPDATE: Turns out that the guy who writes that Danish blog is actually a girl and I think in her latest post she calls me fat. Or nice. One of those. Way to jeopardize international relations, online translator.
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This week when I wasn’t here:
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The I've-got-something-irritating-in-my-eye edition.
This week on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche-canoe):
This week on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:
This week on the internets:
- I made this Top 50 Mommy Blog list even though this isn’t actually a mommy blog. We were all a bit confused.
- I made it onto the Twaggies for burning baby lemurs.
This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
Comment of the day: I used to wax my girlfriend’s triangle back into shape, but that didn’t make it any more ruly. In fact, it became more intractable with every rip. You don’t discipline vagina hair with pain. Maybe James Dobson’s “Focus on the Family” has some tips. I don’t know. The only thing that ever worked for me was kindness. ~ Fred Miller
Weird, I actually minored in historiefortællere.
Mmm….danish.
Do you have a Google Alert for yourself? Might be fun to see what pops up.
Yes, yes, that’s what she said. Grow up people.
I hate how if you are a blogger who is also a mom, you are deemed a “mommy blogger”.
blargh. I’d rather be deemed a Satanist.
I’m not one to bag on the vag, but isn’t it ALL “unruly vagina hair”? Now I’m worried that I’m the only one. Oh, god, please don’t look at my vag.
From Alexa.com
Thebloggess.com has a relatively good traffic rank in the cities of Hartford (#2,438) and Johannesburg (#3,627).
You’re huge in South Africa!
It means you’re a Goddess of Blogging and he worships you. Clearly.
Vagina hair just doesn’t know when to cooperate
That took an hour?
Wasn’t all that long ago I got hateful, “You’re trying to be like all the big mommy bloggers and it’s pathetic” comments on twitter.
And I was all, “DUDE. Have you READ my blog?”
Which isn’t really at all the same thing as your making the list, but most of the time I’m thinking about me.
And I never hear from anyone in Danish unless it’s porn links. So, you have that going for you.
I’ll blog for you sometime in pig-latin if you want. It’ll probably be easier to figure out and take less research. If, however, you liked all the research… I’ll write it in German. But that would require me doing research, too. Unless I can somehow relate sharpening my pencil, asking where the bathroom is and telling someone the movie theater is around the corner and straight ahead to you. Which I doubt. And I hate research. So yeah, pig-latin, if you wish. Let me know.
I’m going to have nightmares tonight about squirrels drinking all my beer and sucking out my soul while somehow managing to have nicer hair than I do. Damnit.
Those pencil tip sculptures are totally awesome. Also, it’s probably totally okay that you made the top 50 Mommy Bloggers (twice) even though this is definitely not a Mommy Blog because, if you look closely at the list, *a lot of them are not even blogs.* I mean, it looks like most of the mommy blogs are but if you look in the other sections you’ll see InStyle which is a magazine (with a website that probably has blogs but it doesn’t specify one), Men’s Health (same thing), Recipzaar which is really just a website where people post recipes and not a blog in any way at all, and Foodgawker which is a place where people send pictures of pretty food. So basically, it’s okay that they didn’t understand that this isn’t a mommy blog because they also don’t understand that some things just aren’t blogs.
Also? I’m kind of amazed that they were able to come up with a Top 20 Men’s Blogs. I didn’t think there were 20 men’s blogs out there. (Though apparently there aren’t considering they included Men’s Health and Maxim and a few other things that I’m pretty sure aren’t blogs. So I guess I was right.) (Wait–just googled a few of them. Definitely not blogs. I feel better now.)
OMG, this must be the week to talk about 70s bush! You, me, Fuck Yeah Motherhood … all of us wrote about our snatch curls! You know what this means? We are totally linked telepathically and should be BFF now. We can create a giant squid defense league. It’ll be greatness.
Maybe you should talk Victor into the “triple crown’. That’s when men get their sack, back & crack waxed. Tell him he’ll feel fresh after it.
Important things first: great impostor job on making it to the Top 50 Mommy Blogs list! It only proves your ninja powers.
And the cat and the boogers….you sound bored (but busy). Sending you love.
I wasn’t sure at all what to do with my vagina hair and then I realized –through that youtube video about being alone– that I should sit alone with it for a while and let it decide what I should do. Although I really don’t want to try the burn-it-off thing, so I’m hoping it doesn’t decide that’s the way to go. But I guess we’ll see. The vag wants what it wants when it wants it. Who am I to say no?
I would never get a Brazilian if it meant lifting my legs into the air and wrapping them around my neck so that some stranger could shave around my bunghole. What is this world coming to??! Now, on the other hand, I would totally do a Brazilian with my legs wrapped around my neck if he was cute and had minty fresh breath.
sometimes i write posts in advance and they’ll be all long so i make it like a part 1 and 2 deal, then go back and read it before i schedule it to post and i’m like ‘was i drunk when i wrote this?!’ because semi-literate Cambodian children could have written a better post and they don’t even speak english.
So she fluffs her pubes with a comb, but does she leave the comb IN her pubes, like they do in the rap videos?It would be like sex Cracker Jacks, wouldn’t it? Only instead of a plastic car you find a comb. Or I guess, instead of Cracker Jacks you get a vagina. Depends on your attitude, really.
Without exception, that is the funniest Danish I have ever read.
I used to wax my girlfriend’s triangle back into shape, but that didn’t make it any more ruly. In fact, it became more intractable with every rip. You don’t discipline vagina hair with pain. Maybe James Dobson’s “Focus on the Family” has some tips. I don’t know. The only thing that ever worked for me was kindness.
I had a comment regarding Danishes, but I got totally sidetracked/intrigued/repulsed by Betty Fokker’s comment. “Triple Crown” sounds way more fun than what it actually is.
A master of word….not bad…not bad at all – actually pretty damn impressive. You’re internationally known for your wit, charm, and humor!
If you just put his “tippe mig vej”, are you still a virgin?
Dear Jenny,
The spastic monkeys are pretending to be lemmings, and the smart water is on the floor.
All arguments are invalid.
-Tony
That picture of you in the eyeball, although plenty creepy on its own, looks like you have a huge shiner.
And? Every time I post a comment to your actual mommy blog on the Chronicle, I get a notice that it’s being held for moderation, and then it never shows up. I’m not surprised, since you never do anything in moderation.
Juuust great. I expect a server crash in the future on my blog now from all the traffic coming my way!
I’m so sorry that Danish is only spoken by 5 mio. people worldwide. Would be a lot easier if I just blogged in English. And if I didn’t suck so much at it. English, not blogging. Or, blogging, too. But people enjoy crap.
Anyway, does it help that I’m moving to the States tomorrow? No, seriously.
– Dines, Denmark.
Have you tried Google translate? It’s obviously far from perfect but it at least gives you an idea of what the post is about. We use it a lot here in Europe where we speak a different language every 100 miles. It’s a good way to communicate across borders.
You referenced “baby lemurs” and in my second to last post I suggested that I have the wine tolerance of a lemur fetus.
1. I’m drunk off of 1.5 glasses of wine.
2. WE’RE THE SAME PERSON. Please stop. Everyone is embarrassed for you that you’re copying me. Except I’m really excited. So let’s keep it goin’.
As a teacher, I adore the pencil art! If a student was doing that versus just ignoring me, I might let it slide. Actually, it would have to depend on the tools needed! “Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that,” (MLK) can not happen if broken students have ice picks even if you have a great lesson plan connected to state/national standards to support the lesson when someone loses an eye in the process.
Wow that whole Danish thing freaked my shit out. I am so glad you got to the bottom of what he said. Cos I’m still confused.
And those pencil tip sculptures? Whoa. Just whoa.
The Danes are funny creatures. I’d be careful. I have no idea why- just seems like a good ominous warning to me.
Dines (from the danish blog) is a girl. And she speaks very highly of you. And have a new blogpost on the irony of getting a lot of clicks from America, when people here don’t understand a word she’s saying.
Actually, the Danish woman who linked to you was asking for recommendations of “wild word masters” and not specifically referring to you. Dines (the Danish woman) has a very amusing blog, although not even close to as funny as you.
The best foreign language swear word I know is “gemoedsbekakken”. Literally: “to shit on my state of mind”.
I also know how to say “I am an idiot” in japanese but I’m not going to. I dont want all the japanese people who read this to think i’m an idiot.
I don’t know if I’m the only one who sent you the squirrel encased beer story, but I’m so excited to find it here that I screamed when I clicked the link and woke up my dog. Don’t worry, she doesn’t hold grudges.
I would have been up into the wee hours of the morning translating every. last. word. of that Danish post. Call me compulsive, but I’d have to know what it said. Then I’d make an early morning run for a Danish because I can’t say that word without wanting one.
I never get translations. Usually they sound ubercrazy. Like you thought someone said “Nice story.” When it was translated it was “‘May your mother sleep with a wolverine and you left toe fall off.” Hi from bayou country Miss Jenny. See you in NYC soon.
I’m glad you didn’t delete this post, though I bet most of the hour was spent just putting together all those links. I enjoyed the story more.
I have a friend from Spain who has the gall to write in Spanish on her Facebook page. I KNOW, right? So I will copy and paste ENTIRE conversations on her page to a translator (because I can only pick out 1/4 of the words in the conversation. 4 years of public school Spanish well spent!). And the best part out of all of this is that the freaking translator will only recognize 3/4 of the words in the conversation (which are usually NOT the remaining words that I didn’t know. That would be too convenient.). So, two of the most commonly used languages (I don’t really know that for sure. I’m guessing more people speak Chinese, right? But maybe not on the internet because most of them are not city folk. So maybe the need for a good Chinese translator isn’t as prevalent… I need a Chinese friend so I can translate their Facebook conversations to find out….) and I can’t figure out a simple conversation.
Yesterday her page was either ranting about the injustice of the running of the bulls or about how the government was passing a really stupid law. Both of which are very similar so I was able to just exclaim “Si! Si!” at the end and act like I had my shit together.
Danishes are so much better than Canadian Bacons.
I’m glad Danes don’t write about me. Except Claire. I like it when she writes about how sexy I am.
Well, you finally hit it big-time if the people of Denmark are talking about you.
You are too funny. Sweet Soaps sent me and I am glad I visited and who gives a flying Fuck what others think of you? LOL, be your self as I think that is probably just fine and a lot of fun to be around!
OMG! What a co-inkydink. I just wrote a post in English about a Dane. I don’t like the post very much either, but I did actual research and posted links to stuff no one really cares about like theology and accounting theory and added a bunch of Japanese words about workplace efficiency and it’s so much like a term paper except it doesn’t have footnotes, which I don’t know how to format anyway, that I have to leave it there so everyone who reads it will know what a geek I can be if I put my mind to it. If it weren’t for the inherent geekiness I would have to think we were leading parallel lives.
So I used Google Translate on the Danish blog and here’s my favorite part:
“Because I in cucumber season running around and find the fat that I can remember that my English teacher in high school drove us through idioms because he did not have anything better than rote learning and alcohol breath to offer.”
…..Cucumber Season. ‘Nuff said.
Fat cucumber?? Maybe she thinks you have a dick?
The irony of calling this a mommy blog. Really? Love that. Maybe they saw “Mother Teresa” in the tagline and thought you were doing good works for the children around the world. WHAT?? Keep up the good works. This child (my parents are still alive so I’m somebody’s child) loves this mommy blog.
Wow, you are so international!
That is good, no??
I was once sent a link where someone called me a fag (true), preceeded and followed by words I do not know and probably do not want to know. I struggled to resist googling what they hell those words mean…
Me and Google translator aren’t friends. My fortune cookie told me that people were speaking well of me so I refuse to believe it when it tells me bad things.
Also, your kid is funny. For real. And I might be deranged but I desperately want one of those beers with the animal coozies. It’s freaky and totally awesome, all balled up into one little dead, stuffed gopher. Oh, and holy shit! Those pencils are ridiculously cool. I’d try it but would totally end up stabbing myself with lead and then I’d have another spot on my arm where I was stabbed with a pencil but this one would be fresh instead of left over from the first grade.
I have kids, therefore I am a mommy blogger.
I’m sure Descartes couldn’t have said it better.
I hate Google Translator. It turns a beautiful word like agurkesæson into … cucumber season. Agurkesæsonen is what we call the dull summer months where nothing happens in the political or culture arenas because everyone who is anything is on vacation. So the papers has to report on stupid little things – like a few years back in July when all the journalists turned some supposed upcoming change in the shapes of… cucumbers… into breaking news.
It’s tough shit to be a small country, I tell ya.
And fat, Jenny, means awesome in Danish! I swear!
Being a Swede I understand some Danish… in writing… speaking they just sound like they have porridge stuck in their throat. No offence Danish people.
Wow … so I unintentionally took a quick cat nap here at work, and dreamed that I was busy taming my unruly vagina hair with a banana clip while my boss yelled at me for not tying up the dead lemurs with a tapeworm. Now I need a drink, and I don’t even CARE that it might come out of a roadkill squirrel.
My therapist bills are going to TRIPLE this week, I can tell.
(Thanks, Jenny, this is your fucking fault.)
I actually found my way to your blog via that Danish post, and have now got you on my top 10 (alongside the Danish blogger).
Keely: This ord-ekvilibrist would like it if you could call us Danes and not danishes. Thanks….
Actually Danish people sound like we choke on stuff while we speak, its our way of saying “You´ll never learn my language”.
Google translate, its gonna start a world war one of these days.
I wrote that long post too. One of these days I’ll either delete it or publish it.
You first.
Damn.
I really fecking love this blog.
I hate myself a little for how much Ilove it.
I actually look forward to reading it each day.
B*tch.
I can’t wait to read about unruly vagina hair. I wonder how they say that in Danish.
i can read some danish and i’m confused as to the random english words in there, as I’m positive the word listen translates. Then again i can read norwegianized danish so maybe it’s different. or norwegians are just smarter…….hmm i’m part norwegian so lets go with that theory.
Unruly vagina hair = utæmmet kønshår/fissehår/måtte
Listen = the list
WTF!! I take a short break from the internet for my birthday and I come back to this?! First, let me say, I wish I was one of those people who spoke like 50 different languages because I’m pretty sure whenever someone starts speaking in a language I don’t understand, they’re talking about me. Second, that pic with the eyeball is FREAKING ME OUT!! What were you thinking?! Because I’m thinking that I really wish banana clips would come back in style. Especially now that my hair is longer. The hair on my head. Not my vagina hair because regardless of what your friends my accessorize their vagina hair with, I just don’t think a banana clip would be very comfortable. Although definitely better than the slash and burn method one of your friends utilized. And while your advice about the tapeworm was very helpful, those comments were just downright … barftastic. There I was enjoying my turkey melt on a delicious pretzel roll thinking that a tapeworm would be a more effective weight loss method than giving up soda then suddenly, someone’s talking about effing pinworms and crawling out at night while you sleep. Sweet Jesus. Nightmares. I’m going to have nightmares. Not to mention, after reading that I lost all desire to finish my pretzel melt. So maybe you don’t actually have to have the tapeworm to lose weight, you just have to read about it?
@The Bloggess
About the update: she doesn’t call you fat, she’s talking about the nonsense results from online translation, as well. In this case fed (fat) means cool, but in an ironic way. The gist of that post is, how the traffic from your linking to her is useless: normally it would be great to get that much traffic, but as none of you guys understand it anyways, you probably won’t be coming back. But, she ends it, when all is said and done, she bacame totally, irrationally happy to get mentioned on one of her favovorite blogs of all time.
If you need Danish translations some other time, just let me know 😉
Best,
Leoparddrengen (= The Leopard Boy)
P.S. Speaking of long posts you don’t want to delete – well, I just realized after writing this comment, that the Infotainer had been here herself and commented on the fat-thing. Therefore, this comment is probably useless. But it was so long, so no way I’m going to delete it!
Thank you for the link to “How to be alone.” That was … gorgeous. And I have no idea why I had to watch it three times in a row, but I did. So thank you.
wow. just realized the corner of our eyes looks like an in-grown clit….thanks for that.
http://www.vaginaeye.com/shitiwishineverrealized
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‘What to do with unruly vagina hair’
‘I wouldn’t eat there’
Are you *kidding* me?